The Horror Digest

Grave Encounters: Who Wants to Pee AND Poop Their Pants?

2012-01-26T22:25:00.005-05:00

Grave Encounters is one of those very rare movies that isn't particularly fantastic yet somehow, it manages to make you pee and poop your pants at the same time. It's one of those movies you can watch with your friends and scream and cry and burn the roof of your mouth by biting into a piece of pizza that's too hot. Not that I would know or anything...

Oh by the way, Grave Encounters? FUCK YOU. I don't know why these found footage ghost stories really send me off my rocker but man. Why did I choose to watch this on a night when I'm home alone vulnerable? I wasn't even drinking wine---what the hell was I thinking? Plus, where is my cat? Doesn't she know I NEED her?!

My fascination with paranormal "reality" TV shows began and ended with MTVs FEAR. That show really scared the crap out of me. I'm still not even going to listen if you tell me it was all fake. And it's not like we ever really saw anything concrete in that show that would even remotely suggest that ghosts existed. It was really the reactions of the people and that feeling of pure terror you get when walking down a dark hallway knowing that something just does not feel right. The feeling of being trapped. That's what made that show really fucking terrifying.

Grave Encounters takes the concept of the paranormal reality show and really uses it to its advantage. The characters, especially the main one really nailed that stereotypical douche bag thing that happens with these shows today.

Like, "HI. I'M A TOUGH GUY WHO WEARS BLACK SHIRTS. LET'S FIND GHOSTS. AHH SOMETHING TOUCHED ME. NOPE NOPE, I'M COOL GUYS DON'T WORRY". You can honestly believe this guy and all the phoniness that appears to be happening behind the scenes. That's what makes the actual scare factor of Grave Encounters so good. It really spins that idea of douche head ridiculousness and it almost feels gratifying getting to see those douche bags actually get scared.

The premise is simple--a network guy shows us this final tape of a paranormal investigator show. The plan was to spend the night in an abandoned and supposedly haunted mental hospital but the cast and crew never made it out---yet, we have their footage.

I'll be up front with you and tell you that for the most part Grave Encounters follows the school of in your face terror. That really mean and unfair terror where you're all like, "Huh? What? There's a person over there?" *DEVIL FACE ALL UP IN YOUR FACE* *HIGH PITCH SCREAMS* It's a cheap shot but goddamn does it work. It gives you that instant jolt that so closely resembles a heart attack and it makes you laugh or in my case cry---because you have to get that adrenaline out somehow. See this is why I can't go in haunted houses. When things really jump out at me I freak out and either punch someone really hard or cry. Nobody wins!

Sure, Grave Encounters has its fair share of subtle scares as well. There's a really nice little part early on where the camera man puts the camera down to call his girlfriend. In the background we see the wheelchair slowly........roll a bit and the camera man never even notices. That right there is good stuff because it's dramatic irony and that stuff rocks.

Another unexpected thrill of Grave Encounters is the kind of twist that happens to our characters inside the abandoned mental hospital. I was not aware things would be taken to such a nightmarish, supernatural place. Basically what happens is you find that our characters are having a really difficult time getting out of this place. It does exactly what Blair Witch does in that it traps you as the viewer with them. We too feel pain, anguish and frustration and it creates this insane amount of tension.

Of course I will say that Grave Encounters definitely takes things and runs with it. Yes, it's all still very scary in that FUCK way but it's in that way where someone just keeps playing a mean trick on you. You keep telling them to stop but they don't! And after a while it just gets so ridiculous but you still react every time.

Oh right, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Grave Encounters gets a little too CGI happy at times. Again, it's still effective but it is at least a little bit jarring in that it kind of removes you from that intense, realistic feeling of found footage. Obviously I know that giant weird black hands wouldn't really come through the ceiling and the wall, the question is...do other people know that? I guess not.

Anywho, I will highly recommend you watch Grave Encounters if you are in the mood for peeing and crapping your pants. It's not the kind of scary movie that sticks with you long after the viewing but it's certainly the kind to keep you wildly entertained and on your toes for its total running time.

Also again, fuck you to the scene where someone in a hospital gown runs in the background and then faces the wall and............yeah......fuck that scene man! That was very upsetting and now I'm never going to go in my basement ever again. Guess someone won't be having clean clothes ever again. Oh nuts that someone is me.

Happy Birthday David Lynch!

2012-01-20T18:16:00.005-05:00

I stopped trying to make sense of David Lynch films in the moment I realized that a woman with chubby cheeks was dancing inside of a radiator. While ERASERHEAD rests comfortably in the realm of great film making, I have barely met one person that is confident of its true meaning. David Lynch is one of those infuriating director’s that keeps most of the deeper meanings of his films to himself. This is why I’ve resigned myself to believe that David Lynch composes the bulk of his films with the aid of a gigantic wheel depicting several random and seemingly unrelated phrases. The wheel is spun until Lynch arrives at the strangest imaginable description of something and then he writes the scene literally.

Ignore the misspelt Nitrous

Here are some possible results of the wheel of ridiculousness.

Old people, paper bag, smiling, purgatory, dumpster, monster.

Swollen cheeks, radiator, weird dance, uncomfortable, worms, squish.

Nitrous Oxide, humping, daddy, closet, velvet.

See? It makes perfect sense. This is why he never tells anyone what the hell his movies are supposed to mean. They mean nothing.

Of course there is another possibility. I suppose what really happens is that David Lynch is a genius. A man who thinks of things few of us will ever be able to experience. A man who probably thinks in terms of algebraic functions, or worse---knows what they mean. Yes, that must be it. The very thought that someone out there conceived of a notion where the sounds of a radiator turn into a scary woman dancing on a stage and squishing worms is enough to make my head explode. It makes me want to find a secret door and enter into his head, BEING JOHN MALKOVICH style. Would I find the inner workings of a factory, churning out Kafka ideals and existential thoughts? Or would I find a chaotic palette of random ideas and themes meshed together like one grotesque blob?

Aside from the fact that most of us have no idea what these films mean, we tend to love them regardless. While I admit to needing some time to get warmed up, I believe I have finally reached a point in my life where my acceptance swells with a bright feeling of joy. Yesterday I found myself craving the need to watch MULHOLLAND DRIVE again, and before that I was immersed in the land of DUNE—hypnotized by Kyle MacLachlan’s odd inner monologue about the spice. This is a step above where I was previously. Before this I found that I had to be in a very specific mood in order to even pay attention to a film as surreal and oddly moving as one of Lynch’s. It took me two tries to watch BLUE VELVET and I only watched half of ERASERHEAD before being so strangely disturbed that I had to take a break of 6 months before a second attempt.

This brings me to a question that has been plaguing me for a while now. What is it about David Lynch and his films that often leaves them on lists of disturbed films? Having just watched IRREVERSIBLE, I was combing through lists of what others had deemed the most shocking and disturbing films. I’m always a bit surprised however to find that ERASERHEAD almost always appears somewhere in the top five. Can I really agree that ERASERHEAD is more disturbing than a film like IRREVERSIBLE or even CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST? Strangely, I think I can. After all, I was able to watch CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST in one viewing but ERASERHEAD for whatever reason had me tripped up. If trying to figure out what David Lynch’s films really mean is impossible, then trying to come to a conclusion of what makes them particularly disturbing must be equally hopeless.

As far as I can tell, ERASERHEAD employs the Lynchian method of trapping the viewer inside a tiny bubble of confusion, keeping them cut off from oxygen and only supplying them with strange images and themes. We are kept in the dark, away from civilization and we are instead forced to watch a world in which deformed cackling cow fetuses laugh at men with fuzzy hair and where a line of pencils comes dangerously close to becoming the world’s most beautiful shot in the world. I’m serious. When I think of how uniquely perfect that shot of all the pencils is, I start slowly placing it over CITIZEN KANE inside my head. Pencils. Pencils!!!

When I’m watching ERASERHEAD I feel like I’m trapped in the bowels of a nightmare. I get worried that if I watch it for too long my head will be trapped inside of that world and that I’ll develop an eraserhead too.

It surely is one of those nightmares that you can’t wake up from. Sure, no one gets raped-- but cow fetuses get stabbed and weird shit happens. Like really weird shit. ERASERHEAD with all of its oddities then is something of a mind fuck and is a film that impairs some portion of your daily thought processes. It is perhaps one of the most disturbing films that I’ve ever seen. It’s unexplainable aura of dread and its nightmarish landscape of industrial waste is in fact something that sticks with its viewer until long after they watch it. Even still to this day, when I lay on my bed and hear those sizzling obscenities emanating from the radiator, I envision—hell.

Return of the Living Dead: Finally Talking About It!

2012-01-15T17:04:00.012-05:00

I've been asked several times by readers and Twitter followers and homeless bums on the streets, why I haven't reviewed Return of the Living Dead yet. The truth is, I've written about it a few times just not on this here blog. But because I'm feeling especially saucy today and because I realize people just don't click on links because I tell them to--I will be reposting one of my favorite articles that I wrote way back in August of 2010, on the subject right here and right now. That way we can all hold hands and sing and be happy about stuff. AND maybe also eat sandwiches. Because really, what's a Monday without delicious sandwiches?

If there is one thing I’ve grown tired of lately, it’s the fan base of everyone’s favorite horror icon, the zombie. Since my horror craze started a bit later in my life, I was late at grasping the concept that at some point in time zombies were not annoying– they were terrifying. How was I suppose to know that before zombies became memorabilia for teenage horror fans, they were vehicles of social commentary? Who would have told me that once, long ago, zombies were not punch lines but actual walking corpses that managed to chill the blood of anyone watching? Luckily it doesn’t take a whole lot to learn these startling facts. A copy of Romero’s NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, or even Fulci’s ZOMBI 2 is enough to help you understand that zombies had a history and a life before they were downgraded to a joke.

If we think back on where zombies went wrong, I think a fair assumption to make is that the addition of zombie comedies played a major role. You could also say however that the DAY OF THE DEAD zombies who clearly represented the free thinking zombie and Bub the comedic relief zombie, also had a big hand in the eventual demise of the zombie. More so however, I think I would blame the masses–

well, the zombies I guess, for eating up every single piece of zombie hysteria that was thrown at them.

One would think that being a modern day zombie hater, would mean that by default, I would hate the grandaddy of all zombie comedies–RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD. Don’t worry, I thought it too. I expected to roll my eyes at the joking and glorifying of the zombie race but instead, I grew interested. In the short time span that I’ve held RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD in my hands I have watched it about 3 times. Not because I was instantly taken with it, but because I respected it and wanted to understand why it didn’t fall victim to my automatic hate of zombies.

As far as I can tell, the main reason that RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD does not fall prey to its expected outcome is for the same reason I came to like it—it has respect. It’s quite easy to determine that the makers of the film have an appreciation and a respect for zombies that seems missed by most modern filmmakers today. Perhaps the most obvious way it does this is by keeping the zombies scary. There are moments in RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD that have me wincing with semi-embarrassed fear. My favorite being when the paramedics turn on the headlights to find an eerily motionless horde of zombies starring back at them.

It was like a swift punch to my gut which then caused me to glance around and wonder if people were taking note of my inherent loser gene by being scared of a zombie comedy. But that’s the beauty of it. RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD while at times hysterically funny, never forgets that it is still a horror movie, and that’s what I love about it. Images of creepy midget zombies, half torso skeleton zombies, cadavers hanging by huge hooks put through their ears—it’s all scary and effective and more importantly, laughing is far from my mind.

On the flip side of the respect argument, the film also does something that is extremely hard to come by today. The joke and comedic aspect never has to do with the suggested ridiculousness of zombies. Rather, the comedy comes through the character’s reactions to the terror that the zombies are creating. Do you see? The respect is more present than ever by the very idea that the zombies are not the joke–we are.

Today it is common for the opposite to happen, as people start insinuating that zombies are just slow dead people and their only threat is their large number. Yes it’s very funny when a stumbling zombie ambles through the doorway and Mr. Tough Guy shoots him in the head as a mere afterthought. RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD however gives us grown men screaming their heads off and falling apart at the very idea of sawing off a dead guy’s head. Additionally, it barely has one instance where the living people are shown overcoming the dead. It’s always the dead in complete and mass control of their surroundings.

I’m sick of these zombie contingency plans and people asking me my survival techniques when the zombie invasion happens. My plan? Sit in a corner and cry—which is what everyone else will be doing. I’m sorry, but half of you people have never picked up a gun in your entire life and a much smaller number of you have ever killed someone OR more importantly, anything. I have a hard enough time putting a lobster into boiling water without feeling guilty, so I’m pretty sure that if I had to shoot any of my family members, or even my neighbor for that matter, I would rather shoot myself.

It’s harsh man, but in my opinion–the truth. RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD exemplifies this principle perfectly. There’s no burly hero, or even a shot of someone getting the better of the zombie. There is hopelessness and of course eventual resignation which solidifies the great amount of respect that the film has for zombies. Zombies aren’t the joke at all–our false sense of strength and intellectual capabilities are.

While I may have been dubious of RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD’S appeal at first, I have eventually come to realize its greatness. Yes, Trash may dance naked in a graveyard,

and sometimes the zombies say silly things—

but through all of this, the film never looses sight of its initial inspiration-the zombie genre. Its respect is evident in more ways than one and it has me fully prepared to admit that the more realistic account of the zombie apocalypse is not NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD at all—it’s THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, as much as our inner hero doesn’t want to admit.

The Scary Face Club: January Inductees

2012-01-10T18:50:00.003-05:00

January isn't exactly my favorite month of the year. Better than that whore March sure, but January...oooh January. It has its fair share of STDs as well. Most notably devilish ones like the snow and being cold and being 31 days long. Let's hope this month's meeting of the Scary Face Club makes things better.

Skinny Thing

REC

The skinny thing in REC and REC 2 is quite possibly one of the most scarring things I've ever had to watch. When that thing starts ambling around the darkened apartment it's like a giant dump truck of filth and despair is falling on top of you. As if the terrifying face, stringy hair and skinniness weren't enough, the skinny thing also has to wave it's saggy boobs in our face too. Bleck. They should make a haunted house and have this thing sneak up on you. I'm fairly confident that people would just keel over and die.

Boy

Little Monsters

The character of Boy in Little Monsters is one that continues to baffle me. He doesn't have what I would say is a conventionally scary face but there's just something about that face that still gives me the willies. Granted I'm sure it has to do with his creepily calm and sweet demeanor and the fact that he's about 30 years old and not a "boy" but still. His face is practically scabbing and falling off around the edges so it is actually very unnerving. Not to mention when Boy reveals his actual face it is somehow less frightening than the 'mask' he was wearing.

Dead Birds

I'm not sure these things have official names, but instead of calling them "Scary Thing 1' and "Scary Thing 2" this will have to do. I'm not one to applaud CGI scares in horror films,but like I said during my review of Dead Birds, there's no way you can deny these things of their scare power. Especially when without warning they just scream and open their creepy mouths. It's one of those unfair scares sure, but I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I didn't pee my pants.

Marty

Poltergeist

There were very few things that scared me more in life then watching the face rip scene from Poltergeist. There's something about ripping your own face off that really rubs me the wrong way. Plus also? It's fucking gross! When those giant globs of skin just plop into the sink. Aside from that, I had that moment where the so obviously fake face makes this like skeletal growl. Why does that freak me out so much? Is it because the face feels fake, or because it's legitimately just a damn scary face/thing?

Old Hag

Pumpkinhead

My favorite part of Pumpkinhead, aside from the obvious doll that is suppose to be Lance Henriksen's son,

is the terrifying old hag. Honestly, have you ever seen a more terrifying hag in your life? This is like the dictionary definition of old hag my friends. Sometimes I'll just be standing around enjoying the happiness of life and then all of a sudden an image of this hag will pop into my head and I'll die a little on the inside. True story.

Dogtooth: What a Feeling

2012-01-08T21:10:00.008-05:00

I can't believe I forgot to watch Dogtooth after putting it on my "See this now" list. Nine months later after giving birth to my food baby and watching movies where CGI bees come out of Bradley Cooper's ear, I finally remembered to watch Dogtooth. What was I doing all that time? Oh right, being lazy and wearing no pants. Also maybe eating pizza, but who can say for sure?

Dogtooth is not a horror movie, but it does live in that little area of land known as Disturbia. Disturbing because of the subject matter and the weight of the situation, plus also there is cat trauma and tooth trauma! Double sad face.

You may remember that Dogtooth was nominated for an Oscar for best foreign language film. This means that I am almost certain that this is a great film and that there is a lot of nudity. It's better if you do not ask me how I come to certain conclusions in life. Trust me.

Dogtooth centers around a mother and father who have cut off their children from society. Their 3 "teenage" children live in an isolated house with tall fences and have been raised to learn the complete opposite of everything that is fantastic. For instant, a telephone is a salt shaker. A pussy is a bright light. And zombies are little yellow flowers. It is in fact, a very grim and disheartening commentary on censorship. By the way, I'll keep referring to the kids as "kids" because I'm pretty sure they are all about 30 years old.

As you may have guessed, even if all the (what are perceived as) negative aspects of life are blocked out---the violence, the hatefulness and the fun still find a way to worm their way in. Because if The Village taught us anything, it's that you can always send the blind girl over the wall if you don't want the surprise ruined and also---don't try to protect people from the real world. It's not okay.

I really enjoyed Dogtooth for the sheer amount of blatant craziness that it was exuding. It's the kind of movie that continues to keep you baffled well up until the end of its running time. You would think that after seeing the kinds of weird shenanigans these "kids" get up to, you would not be surprised when they then start doing a weird dance during their parent's anniversary dinner. But you would be wrong. You would also be wrong in saying that the eldest daughter doing her own rendition of the Flashdance dance was not the greatest thing on the planet. It is the greatest thing on the planet and you better believe it.

It's just that the levels of insanity seem to grow and grow as the movie progresses. But not in this extremely ridiculous way. More in a steady incline kind of way. The most painstaking part of it all though, is how we never get a clear cut explanation for why the parents are doing this. And I totally love that. Again, who needs explanation? The thing about censorship and those loonies that try to keep their kids away from TV is that no one ever really has a great reason. They mostly just want to protect their kids, or shield them from something they perceive to be evil or harmful to their development. What those parents don't know however, is that TV is very good for development. Where would I be in life for instance without the vast knowledge that giant pieces of meat and diapers are the most expensive items at the grocery store?

Without TV, how would I possibly know the correct way to hit a target while effortlessly dodging tennis balls being shot at me by a really scary, yet oddly attractive body builder?

Kids need these things in life. They need experiences and they need to make mistakes. Without them, the "bad' finds a way to get inside anyways. And plus, any parents that condone the slaying of a cat with garden shears should probably be killed. Just sayin'.

Dogtooth is a truly remarkable film. Despite it not being in the club of horror, it is insanely creepy and unnerving. It's almost like you feel that someone is playing a really clever and intricate joke on you. Like the actors will stop in the middle of their creepy, psuedo psychotic games and be like HAHA Andre we were just joking. But they're not you guys.

They're not.

Moral of the story is: don't try to protect your children, because in the end, you'll only harm them and cause them to bash their teeth in with a dumbbell.

Oooh also AWESOME ENDING huh? It's probably one of the most simple things you could think of, but it's so damn meaningful isn't it? People that have seen it--you know what I mean. Or do you? Tell me this, what is implied by that very last shot? SPOILER: is it that once freedom is achieved, it's too late? It's too scary to leave the confines of the trunk? Or maybe she's dead? SO MANY THINGS HAPPENING INSIDE MY HEAD RIGHT NOW.

Anyways, watch Dogtooth. You'll be uncomfortable for about 90% of the film and during the other 10% you'll be laughing at the Flashdance re-creation and the Jaws and Rocky quoting.

Bitter Feast: Too Many Dick Heads, Not Enough SPICE.

2012-01-02T16:47:00.007-05:00

If there's one thing I can say with utmost surety it's that I am awesome at watching TV shows. Well okay, who isn't? You would think that wouldn't you? But the truth is, being awesome at watching TV isn't as easy as you think it is. To use a Top Chef metaphor it's kind of like cooking an egg perfectly. Many people think they can do it, but when the pressure is on, the egg well....isn't that perfect after all. I mean how many times have I gone out to breakfast and had my sunny-side egg burned brown at the edges?

Watching TV is like an art form--which may or may not involve the ability to effortlessly slip TV show references and episode plots into day to day conversation. ALRIGHT fine you got me. I'm just using my good TV skills as a way to make myself feel better about being fat and lazy. The truth is, I don't even have cable! But I do have Comcast On Demand which doesn't allow you to do much of anything unless you subscribe to real cable. However. Bravo is one of those cool networks that lets people who have Comcast On Demand watch their shows for free. This means, that I can still enjoy my favorite reality show..Top Chef, despite not having *stupid cable.

**By stupid I mean, oh god, oh god I miss you cable TV and watching bad shows like Teen Mom and Kendra. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE ELSE AGREE WITH ME THAT KENDRA IS LIKE A REAL PERSON?

Ahem.

Top Chef is the bees knees. I remember when I first started watching it sometime back in Season 2, I instantly hated it because it was trying to be too much like Project Runway. Little did we know, Project Runway would someday be turned over to the not-enough-drama Lifetime network and Top Chef would be Bravo's new top dog. Plus, Top Chef is awesome.

Oh right I forgot I'm supposed to be talking about movies. Well the thing is. Bitter Feast combines two of my very favorite things. Well, 3 I guess. Celebrity chefs, Horror and blogging. The film is about a super dick head celebrity chef

who receives a scathing review from an equally dick of a head food blogger.

This prompts DH chef to kidnap DH blogger and torture him in various ways. I should mention DH chef has other problems that set him off besides the whole getting a bad review thing. Oh and DH blogger's kid died from cancer. Which is why he's a DH.

I remember reading about Bitter Feast and being really excited about it. It's like a horror movie for people addicted to Top Chef and the Food Network I thought--and YES it mostly is. The only problem it runs into is that it's a bit dragging. However, it does bring some zesty originality into the plot as far as food is concerned. And by that I don't mean that DH chef forces DH blogger to eat things until he pukes (this isn't Jackass 5.6 or whatever) instead, DH chef forces DH blogger to cook a steak to medium rare perfection with his hands tied!

It's like Top Chef with sadomasochist undertones...and blood! Wait.....Top Chef is pretty much already like that, isn't it?

Hmmph. Well at any rate, I give Bitter Feast huge props for doing something different but for the most part I believe it mostly falls victim to that whole.....boredom thing.

It's just that there isn't a whole lot keeping me glued to the screen. The problem with having two absolute DH characters is that we don't really give a crap what happens to either of them. So while we see DH blogger get beat up and starved to death we aren't really shedding tears. The film is also an hour and 44 minutes long which is TOO LONG for a film that only has one main thing happening throughout its running time.

Aside from that, there just isn't enough oomph. Give me suspense, give me excitement, give me something! Sure, the acting is pretty good, the camera work is nice but what are we really holding out for here? I suppose there is the whole drawing of similarities between DH chef and DH blogger..how they're both so bitter that it's almost worth it if they both would just die. I also appreciate the significance of how they both have pretty stellar lives despite the obvious depressions. For DH chef, he may have lost his cable network show, but he has 2 houses! And one of them has an elevator that opens up into his apartment!

DH blogger lost his kid sure, but he still has the love of a wife who cares deeply for him despite his insane asshole levels. Both of these men are too bitter to ever realize these good things however and so they are essentially dead before the movie even begins. I'm okay with that I guess.

I did quite enjoy how the movie ended though and I will not spoil it because it is actually kind of unpredictable in a.....predictable way. Wow that only made sense in my head. Anyways, I didn't hate Bitter Feast but I wasn't insanely crazy about it either. It did instantly make me want to watch another episode of Anthony Bourdain's latest show the Layover though.

Sigh. Tony, Tony Tone. Not only are you one cool motherfucker, but you hold the same amount of distaste that I do for hipsters, burgers cooked medium and human statues. Why can't we be together? Hey, I'd settle for a friendship here.

Creepy Ballets

2011-12-21T11:11:00.007-05:00

If there's one thing Christmas always reminds me of, it's seeing my dear sister perform in the Academy of Performing Arts rendition of The Nutcracker. And not just seeing it once mind you, seeing it about 5 times. We were a devoted family okay? Few people know that Emmy Doomas was a bit of a ballet prodigy in her day and that I lived vicariously through her by tagging along to all performances and after parties. As such, I am an expert in everything that involves ballet. Okay maybe not, but my mind doesn't have to know the truth.

When Black Swan came out I was completely blown away and secretly having brain orgasms because of how awesomely it portrayed the darker side of ballet. Not just the actual darker side of eating disorders, bad blisters and broken toe nails but in general--how it so deliciously portrayed the somewhat dark story of Swan Lake.

For many, ballet is a very frilly pink and girly thing. And to those many people I shake my head in annoyance. Ballets are often much more dark than people realize. Most likely due to the fact that a great deal were based on fairy tales, where the original versions were of course extremely dark. Cautionary tales that teach us lessons by scaring the crap out of us is how the original fairy tales usually worked. So it makes sense that ballets would also follow suite. Plus, ballets are performances on par with something like an Opera. A spectacle of drama only instead of voice the instrument is dancing.

So let us talk about a few ballets that are extremely dark. And that would make FANTASTIC horror movies, shall we?

The Red Shoes

When Black Swan came out many people were quick to draw similarities to Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger's 1948 film The Red Shoes. Itself based on a Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale, the film is another cautionary tale about how ballet often has the potential to control and take over one's life.

Although the ballet based on the fairy tale is rare to find performed these days, it still falls into the category of insanely creepy/awesome in my book. The story is about a peasant girl who gets adopted into a rich family. After lying to obtain fancy red shoes and becoming all vain and lame, the girl gets cursed by a mysterious soldier who condemns her to dance for the rest of her life (and beyond it as well).

The story is riddled with violent imagery, like the girl being forced to dance through thorns that rip at her skin and body. The girl even tries to cut off her feet hoping to destroy the curse. Plus, I just love the common theme of "dancing to death"...isn't it just the greatest!? Also, let's not forget the ill-fated Asian horror film The Red Shoes. Where the red shoes were really just pink shoes. But who's keeping track?

Giselle

Giselle is the tale of a young woman who goes crazy and dies from a broken heart after learning that her love is actually a Duke and not a peasant like she thought. After Giselle's death, the second act of the ballet takes place by her grave where Hilarion the gamekeeper who was also in love with Giselle, grieves. It is here, that Hilarion encounters the Wilis, vengeful female spirits who rise from their graves at night and seek revenge against men by dancing them to death.

Giselle is then summoned out of her grave and invited to partake in the festivities. But when the Duke arrives he begs for forgiveness, which Giselle accepts. Hilarion however, is not so lucky as he chased by the Wilis and then thrown to his death in a nearby lake. Ultimately, Giselle's kind heart allows her to separate from the Wilis and sleep peacefully in her grave. But still, poor Hilarion huh?

Naturally this ballet has awesome written all over it. Vengeful spirits that take revenge on men by making them dance to their death? YES. Not to mention that Giselle rising from the grave invites gentle whispers of ZOMBIE. Well, ghost zombie I guess.

The Rite of Spring

Many recognize Igor Stravinsky's ballet The Rite of Spring as being the music for the dinosaur segment in Fantasia but it was actually first a ballet that filled the audience with horror because of how unconventional it was. Taking place in Pagan Russia, the Rite of Spring is something of a fertility ritual where a young virginal girl is sacrificed by being forced to dance to her death.

Clearly a central punishment in many ballets is this idea of dancing to your death. Which really is kind of the ultimate definition of my favorite kind of horror--something that is terrifyingly beautiful. It also speaks largely to that whole idea of being far too consumed by something you truly love. What if one day someone condemns me to eat sandwiches or play Zelda FOREVER? Well, I guess there could be worse things.

The Internet Is DEAD To Me (No Really, It Is)

2011-12-15T14:32:00.008-05:00

Ugggh my Internet is gone! Missing! Dead! Lost! Really, it's just Comcast being a bunch of whores and giving me a modem that decided to crap out. Also who had a fun time last night listening to their own breathing on the phone while waiting for the modem to restart for 20 minutes? THIS GIRL. (Me).

I told the guy about 12 times that it wasn't rebooting properly and that only one light was coming on and he kept being like, "That's okay ma'am just give it some time" 20 minutes later... Yup. Still nothing buddy.

Just face it Comcast, you messed up, now give me something free. Preferably something called DVR and CABLE. By the way, don't be fooled by promotions offering 70 dollars for cable and internet. What they mean is, internet and basic cable, which you can get by plugging in a cable cord to your TV. What a rip!

Anyways the point of all this is to tell you that I can't do anything now except play video games and pick my nose. Oh and READ I guess. Not that this is such a bad thing, but I thought I'd inform the few of you who still read this blog despite my less than stellar performance as of late. In the meantime, enjoy this post about nothing. At some point between 11-1 on Saturday, my internet will be returned to its original form and the world can sleep soundly knowing that I can once more watch movies and talk about them and then write stuff that is important only to me. Yay!

Here are some awesome pictures I found by searching, "Dead Internet"

Scream 4: Give Ghostface His Dignity Back

2011-12-12T14:29:00.007-05:00

There was an extended period in my life where I wanted to have Scream's baby. I was smitten with Matthew Lillard's annoyingly stupid presence. I got hot flashes when Rose McGowan thought she was thin enough to go through the cat door in the garage. Most importantly however, it scared the crap out of me. So much so, that my first viewing of the film resulted in an all night awake fest courtesy of the metal screw in my ceiling light that suspiciously resembled Ghostface. I was convinced that some lunatic was going to bust through my window at any point during the night and kill me.

Some may say that this is not a healthy reaction to a horror movie. To them I say, yes probably true, although to be fair almost everything in life scares me so I'm really not a good indicator of something going too far.

What I do know is that Scream is a powerful film and certainly one of, if not the best slasher movie of the past decade or so. Because let's be honest---I still want to have Scream's baby okay? Who doesn't?

Due to my blazing love affair with the film, I did my civic duty by watching the sequels and did my best to love them. While I quite enjoyed Scream 2, I felt Scream 3 was leaning a little too dangerously close to the edge of "annoyingly self aware". Now with Scream 4, I'm pretty confident that Scream has completely fallen off that edge and ventured into face slap territory. Which isn't to say Scream 4 is a bad film it's just..............depressing because it reminds me how sad our culture has become.

Ghostface in 2011 is like that point in the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise where Freddy picks up his first dirty slang dictionary and runs wild with it. Ghostface has become too whimsy or something. He's too HILARIOUS and witty to really be scared of anymore. Before he had such a menacing and dark quality about him. There was something truly sinister behind that voice and we dreaded hearing it come out the other end of that line. Now? Now we giggle in anticipation of what Ghostface will come up with next. He's basically turned into this.

Now, we become less scared of Ghostface and more bored with him. Now he just seems like an annoying person on Facebook who thinks that yes, the world does want to know about his loneliness.

In fact, that's the whole problem with Scream 4. It's not scary. And I'm not just saying that because I am no longer a child who easily spooks. Scream 4 is just an exercise in trying to appeal to the new generation of horror fans and being annoying about it. Not that most horror movies don't do that, but there's something so infuriating about implementing Facebook and Youtube as valid plot developments in a movie. Sorry, I mean in any movie that is not called The Social Network.

I know we need to update things and make them cool and current, but didn't anyone else feel like they were trapped in a mall throughout the duration of Scream 4? Why does everyone seem SO LITTLE? It's like when you go back and visit your high school after you consider yourself an adult. The kids look about 10 years younger than you did and to top it all off....the cafeteria tables are smaller. Okay, okay I know it's all in your head but that's what I felt like while watching this. It felt weird. And creepy. Like grown men watching the little league championship on ESPN.

None of this however compares to the fact that the ending reveal of the killer is so outrageously stupid and....stupid. I'm not joking, it's the worst! I was so appalled and annoyed when it happened that I actually did an eye roll at my cat so that I could share with someone how annoyed I was. I really just don't know what to say about it.

Scream 4 isn't even that bad of a movie but that reveal really just killed it for me. There are even some decent and well done things happening throughout here. Creepy parking garage scenes, sad and brutal moments of killings, up close and personal shots of intestines. Plus Sydney Prescott will never fail as a likable and believable final girl for me.

But that ending? MAN! Terrible. Just terrible. Ridiculous. Not believable and worst of all it completely annihilates any shred of respectability that Ghostface had left. I know, I know it's supposed to be a commentary on how much importance we put on Youtube and that whole phenomena of 5 minute famers but come on. COME ON. This is embarrassing Wes.

So in closing. Damn it Scream 4. Damn you. You ruined everything and now we can't be friends or lovers.

That's Some Bad Idea Harry

2011-12-06T10:08:00.007-05:00

Guess what? There is a God, Universal Studios is finally closing the JAWS ride. I can sleep safely at night knowing that my friends won't one day drug me, kidnap me and make me go on this ride. Just kidding, I know that most of you are all weeping like children and pouring one out for the old mechanical shark in its disproportional glory.

It is rather sad when I think about it and rather telling of the state of movies in general. Replacing old classics with newer, more current and less scary (?) films. Remakes, updates, new ideas that are secretly just remakes, whatever you want to call it, times they are a changing. And if Universal Studios' recent decision tells us anything other than the fact that it will never be as popular and magical as Disney World, it tells us that the park is evolving.

While personally I have had nightmares in my past---like legitimate nightmares about being on the JAWS ride, (Usually the boat explodes and I fly into the shark's mouth--which has spontaneously turned into a real shark, and I may or may not be naked. It depends on whether or not I had a glass of red wine before bed and if I'm wearing socks or not), I know must of you have delicately placed the ride into that sweet little box that glorifies your childhood. Luckily, the one and only time I went to Universal Studios, the JAWS ride was out of order.

Which makes me wonder: was the JAWS ride often put out of order? Is it possible that the mechanical shark like Bruce, had the grave misfortune of just not working? OR is Universal Studios, truly clearing out rides to make way for more current films to be showcased?

Think of it this way. When most of us went to Universal Studios, we knew most of the films that the rides were based on and we wanted to go on them because of it. Let's take Back to the Future as the best example of this.

Most kids today? Do they hold that same esteem for Back to the Future? Do they want nothing more than to ride in a Delorean and travel back in time with crazy Doc Brown shouting things at us? Probably not. They probably want to ride on a motorcycle with Shia LeBouf and join the Transformers in an epic battle. Did he ride on a motorcycle in that? I think I'm confusing it with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. No matter, the POINT, my friends is this: remakes are made because studios need to make things relevant for the new generation of kids. Rides at Universal will undoubtedly be following this same trend and the JAWS ride closing is probably one of the first of many.

Don't go looking at Disney World to comfort you either. They do this all the time--like when they replaced the Alien Encounter ride with Stitch's great escape, or Mr. Toad's Wild Ride with a Winnie the Pooh ride. They have to keep updating things, or kids will not want to go on them.

Putting aside all of our anger and depression about this, I thought it would be fun to envision what Universal Studios will be putting in place of the JAWS ride. They claim it's something new and exciting. But what could it possibly be? Will the space be kept as a marina style, with some form of water? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm let's discuss.

I can't think of any recent Universal pictures that partially take place on or around water. Unless, you count Couples Retreat as a feasible option. OH wait I have two ideas.

Nim's Island

Ugh. This would make sense because I think......that kids like this movie. Plus it would be easy to convert the JAWs space into an island, where the patrons get ferried to it by boat. Also at some point pirates would probably attack the boat. Are there pirates in Nim's Island? Who knows.

Battleship

This trailer makes people laugh. And rightfully so. Who would make a senseless movie about a board game that becomes un-fun in less than 5 minutes? This ride would work in the place of JAWs though. Visitors ride on boats and their boat gets hit by bombs and stuff. Also, pirates will probably attack the boat. Just kidding, I just think pirates should be inserted anywhere there is water. Curse Disney World for taking ownership of the Pirates movies!

Hmmmm I'm stumped.

Other scary and depressing possibilities NOT involving water?
The Fast and the Furious: Gross. Picture converting the water into a sort of street/racetrack, where kids get to experience street racing for themselves. Probably people would love this.

Pokemon: Because kids always need more Pokemon themed things.

Cowboys and Aliens: I would be down for this if it involved being able to have sex with Daniel Craig. Wait! I mean........................this might be a cool ride, if we got to ride in a spaceship.

Rides that SHOULD be replacing JAWs?

Open Water
The Reef
Sharktopus
Lake Placid
The Raft a la Creepshow 2

Oooh the possibilities!

That's all I've got for now. What do YOU think they are turning the JAWs ride into?

The Scary Face Club: December Inductees (Old Lady Edition)

2011-12-04T12:24:00.006-05:00

I don't love the idea of themes but honestly this month, I was a little stumped when thinking of new members to induct into the Scary Face Club! Suddenly I remembered that it was the holiday season. The holidays, like them or not, always open to the door to a plethora of possibilities. For instance, I could have done the Scary Face Club--Little People edition, or the Scary Face Club: Reindeer edition (Just kidding there aren't really any scary Reindeer out there)--instead, I settled on one of my more latent fears--old women. Which is a nod to Mrs. Claus, who never seems to get any credit, besides I'm pretty sure she doesn't actually exist. (In the MYTH you guys. I don't actually believe in Santa Claus...jeesh)

It's not that I find all old women to be scary. Puh-lease, my grandmother is the sweetest of the bunch. It's just that in horror movies, old women always sneak up on you in the most unfair ways. They seem like regular old women but then something always happens that FREAKS you out. So therefore here are 5 scary old women that deserve some Scary Face Club lovin'.

Old Lady

(Insidious)

As I said in my review of Insidious, this woman (who is actually played by a man) is nobody's friend. Sure, she is mostly just a re-done Mary Shaw from Dead Silence, but for some reason her scariness gets turned up by 5,000 here. Is it because she's wearing a weird veil? Is it the backstory of her being in the background of all the Dad's pictures, and getting closer and closer in each one? Is it because she seems to hide in closets and only come out when we are at our most vulnerable? Is it because she probably smells like moth balls and old cheese? YES. All of the above.

Sylvia Ganush

(Drag Me to Hell)

Sylvia Ganush is kind of like an olio of everything scary and gross about old women. Glass eye, bad teeth, terrible breath, regurgitates bugs, is a witch/gypsy. She performs really outrageous curses on you when you're just doing your job and she breaks into your car and tries to kill you. She is kind of the worst.

She's also kind of extremely scary when you are trying to get a good night's sleep, then roll over to your other side and suddenly come face to face with her scariness. Sure, there are scarier looking old women out there. But is anyone really comparable to Sylvia in terms of grossness? I'm sorry, but an old woman vomiting bugs and mud into my mouth IS the scariest thing in the world. No contest.

Old Lady

(IT)

Naturally when I forget a scary old lady's name, I just call them old lady. Here we have that old lady neighbor of Beverly in IT who is sweet and kind one minute, and then scary and face melty and gross the next. Oh did I mention she isn't really an old lady, she's actually PENNYWISE just up to his usual shenanigans? Well now you know. And P.S. that makes her much scarier.

But honestly, that melting face, red, sores......face probably falling off in clumps. Bleck! She is one old lady I never want to see in my dreams.

Old Lady in Tub

(The Shining)

What would a list of scary old ladies be without the naked old lady in the tub? When I first saw the Shining, hiding behind a pillow in my basement, I was so unbelievably disgusted and terrified when this part happened. First of all nakedness scares me. But old lady nakedness? Old lady nakedness that involves a rotting old lady naked body? WHY GOD WHY. Plus she cackles while being naked and rotting. Ooooh the humanity.

Old Lady

(The House on Haunted Hill)

Although this lady isn't really the scariest old lady I've ever seen, she makes it on the list because of how unusually and unexpectedly scary this little scene is. It's so surprising, and creepy. Especially because of how she just rolls away on a skateboard at the end. She also has that crazy look in her eye and her hair is all wispy and gross. She's scary okay?!

The Video Dead and Other Not As Amazing Stuff

2011-12-01T20:40:00.011-05:00

I'M ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, I know I have some explaining to do. The truth is, things have been pretty crazy as of late. And by "pretty crazy" I mean that I've been extremely lazy and also possessed by the new Zelda game. Dude, you can GO TO THE BATHROOM in the new Zelda game. The toilet flushes. IT FLUSHES! Best. Thing. Ever. Of course the down side is that all I want to do is play Zelda and sleep. Which doesn't leave room for much else--like blogging, watching movies and personal hygiene. Which sadly is the whole purpose of this blog. So for that I apologize.

I mean, it's not like I haven't been watching movies. I've been watching parts of movies and then getting restless and giving up.

For example: I watched Chillerama and then wanted to kill myself. I also watched the first two segments of Creepshow 2 and LOVED IT, but then I got lazy and forgot to watch the rest. I also watched Heathers and the beginning of The Cat O Nine Tails. None of these films however inspired me or should I say...motivated me to actually write anything.

That is until I started watching The Video Dead. Just so you know, The Video Dead gives a whole new meaning to the word amazing. This is mainly because it contains the kind of zombies I love.

The skeletal, ghoulish looking zombies who laugh at blenders and stick people in washing machines.

They also favor strangulation over eating people--but most importantly they have a sense of humor. Which is insanely meaningful considering that The Video Dead has an amazing sense of humor as well.

I kid you not, this movie may have officially unseated Slugs as my favorite so bad it's good horror movie. It's just too incredible for words. Oh right the plot. Well, it's about zombies that come out of the TV and kill you!

It's pretty much where Samara got her humble beginnings from. It also makes no sense because apparently the TV zombies come out of the TV and kill the guy who lives in the house and then.........

....They kill more people. What did the zombies do during that three month period? Apparently they just walked around in the woods and waited for fresh poodles to come wandering in? It's very confusing but also---it's what makes The Video Dead so amazing. No explanation necessary. Zombies. TV. Awesome.

It's also some of the best writing that I've ever come across. For instance:

Guy: I love animals!

Girl: Me too...only I don't count poodles as animals.

Guy: I'm glad you said that...because I really hate poodles.

Later, poodle gets killed by a TV zombie.

Girl: You don't understand. He likes to chase skunks in the woods, and if he finds them he tries to mate with them. Only skunks don't like to mate with poodles, and then they spray him and he really gets turned on.

Oh, it's almost too perfect for words.

I can't really say much else because The Video Dead is the kind of movie you'll need to experience for yourself. I even tried to take a bunch of hilarious screenshots, but it just wasn't translating...I guess you'd have to be there. Which means that you should watch The Video Dead and then come and laugh with me, like a zombie laughing at a blender.

Also, don't forget that The Video Dead also teaches us many lessons. But the most important lesson of all is that you should always keep your picture of Jesus sitting thoughtfully during a sunset, next to your iron and your knitting needles.

I'd also like to take this moment to tell you that there are some fantastic movies currently streaming on Netflix Instant Watch.

House, C.H.U.D, SLUGS, Vampires, Children of the Corn---get your butt over there and watch some movies. Not that I should be talking because now I'm going to go play Zelda. If you don't hear from me, you'll know what happened. Unless I died, which would be unfortunate.

Oh wait I forgot to say:

What is this poster?

And more importantly: Where can I get one? What does it say? Let's get back to books? Why are there dinosaurs? And why is this hanging up in this old lady's kitchen? I'm obsessed with it. Okay bye.

No Hay Banda

2011-11-20T12:05:00.008-05:00

I have a bad problem with cravings. Not drug cravings unfortunately, just food, cat and movie cravings. Cravings that are so bad, they wake me up in the middle of the night and whisper evil things into my ear. Alright well maybe not--but in cravings' defense they probably try to whisper evil things in my ear but I love my bed so much that I'm dead to the world. By the way when I say "cat cravings" I don't mean that I want to eat cats. That is gross and wildly inappropriate. I just mean that I have a craving to kiss them a lot.

Lately I've being fending off an insatiable need to watch a ton of David Lynch films. Not that that's such a bad thing---why fight off pure, unadulterated awesome right? Mainly my problem is that Netflix doesn't offer many on Instant Watch which sours my cravings. It's kind of like when you really want a delicious sandwich but they are closed. That is what it was like anyways until I remembered that I have MONEY and can rent movies on Amazon and/or ITunes for the low price of 3 dollars. That is how I ended up at 10:30PM last night, watching Mulholland Drive in my bed, eating 4 dollar cookies from Trader Joes and having my head explode for the 2nd time.

Truth be told, I've been wanting to re-watch Mulholland Drive for the better part of the year. There's something about not knowing what a movie means yet being so inexplicably infatuated with it that really speaks to me. Curse you David Lynch and your tight lipped explanations of what your films are really about.

It's no matter though, because last night I realized quite simply that the key to understanding Mulholland Drive and LIFE, is Club Silencio.

No hay banda. There is no band. Yet, we think there is because we fall in love with the illusion of there being one. Is it possible that David Lynch is trying to speak to us through Club Silencio? Is it possible that David Lynch is saying...NO HAY BANDA in regards to the labyrinth of possible explanations surrounding the film?

To me, 'No hay banda' has a double meaning. The on surface easily attainable meaning of there being no band in Club Silencio, and the idea of there being no real explanation or overall "meaning" to Mulholland Drive. Well, sure there's meaning alright but I'm talking more in that burning desire to shake David Lunch and yell, "WHAT DOES IT MEAN" kind of way. It goes back to that whole idea of our human nature always wanting things explained. Why? Why do we have to dissect what is medically accurate and what is not in regards to The Human Centipede? Why does the improbability of Jason's life and human existence have to do with how much we enjoy Friday the 13th? Why does everything need to have an answer?

According to Club Silencio...it doesn't. That's the beauty of a David Lynch film and perhaps the main reason why so many people fail to really latch onto and be sucked into them. There doesn't need to be an explanation. All you need to do is sit in a darkened theater and cry.

Cry while you watch a woman lip sync a beautiful song and then collapse. Cry while you realize that there is a creepy woman (man?) in a blue wig in the balcony. Cry when you realize that the key to everything has been in your purse the entire time. Don't think---just watch and be sucked into that illusion.

You could spend hours and hours dissecting every single scene and drawing diagrams and connecting this to that and that to this---and for what? Is that really what Lynch was trying to achieve with Mulholland Drive? To force us to cry with painful exhaustion of not knowing? I don't think so.Because what is David Lynch's overall message to us by the film's end?

SILENCIO.

Be quiet. Shut up. And just watch and be affected by this 2 hours and 30 minutes of beauty, confusion and awesome. No hay banda.

Case 39: Ugh

2011-11-16T21:06:00.007-05:00

Netflix has really been slacking in the awesome department as of late. It keeps suggesting I watch movies called, "Naked Vampires" and "Zombie Whores" or some similar sounding name of sexually transmitted terror. Therefore it was no surprise when Monday night rolled around and I started watching Case 39. Although to be fair, the main reason I began watching it was because I forgot if I liked Renee Zellweger or not. Is that how you spell Zellweger? Oh well, I'm over it.

So anyways. Case 39 is pretty terrible. This isn't even going to be a real review I'm just going to talk about how ridiculous and terrible this movie was. Which I guess is no different from how I do regular reviews. Hmmph.

Emily is a social worker who has a lot of cases and she's swamped. She has 38 cases, and then her boss tells her she has to do one more. Which tada! Equals 39. Ding ding. Case 39 involves a young girl named Lily? I forget actually and now I'm too lazy to look that up on IMDB so I guess I'll just make up names from now on. Alright so Lily seems like an abused child, afraid to speak up against her extremely weird and apparently religious parents. Emily however has a feeling and luckily her feelings turn out to be right because in the middle of the night Emily catches Lily's parents trying to burn her alive in the oven!

Now with Lily parentless, Emily temporarily adopts her and soon learns that her parents may have had the right idea.

Honestly, I lost it when the parents put her in the oven. Of all the methods of quickly dispatching some evil demon child, you pick the slowest and most ridiculous way ever? What happened to slitting someone's throat? What happened to stabbing? Suffocating? Really? An oven? That's what you got? Oh yeah sorry SPOILER Lily is actually some weird and evil demon that kills people in ominous ways. Sorry to ruin the surprise.

Actually the oven incident reminded me of something awesome believe it or not--THE THING.

It's just like in the beginning when the Norwegians are trying to shoot the dog and you're all like nooooo noooooo not the dog! But then later you're all like----well shit, they should have shot that fucking dog. Yup, same deal here.

The thing is---Lily seems to turn into the evil demon that she's apparently always been seemingly overnight. There's no gradual change of her character. There are literally NO hints that we would ever think she was anything but a sweet angel. It's not until she has an insanely awkward therapy session with Bradley Cooper that her meanness starts to come out. Yes, Bradley Cooper is in this. I think his name was....Steve? No that's not right.... D......DOUG! That was definitely it.

So the skinny on Doug is that his biggest fear is wasps. Of course he tells demon child Lily this, who uses it against him. This scene is perhaps even more ridiculous than the oven incident. Doug hears buzzing somewhere and then takes a Q-tip to his ear.....

only to unearth a wasp!

Naturally the scene progresses for like 15 minutes and involves wasps coming out of just about every single one of Doug's orifices. I mean we don't see them come out of the butt, but let's just say I'm sure they did okay?

This scene gives a whole new meaning to NOT THE BEES.

Oh and they're super CGI-fied so it makes it even more ridiculous. They even swarm on his back and kind of look like an Ed Hardy shirt.

No? In the end, they fly out of his mouth and start attacking him and then somehow, Doug breaks his own neck (?) I'm still confused about it but at some point the entire sink fell out of the wall, so I guess things were serious.

Anyways the movie progresses steadily into laughable realms of insanity. I guess the main thing I can't get past, is that Case 39 in a round about sort of way kind of....encourages child abuse? I mean okay, I know Lily is the devil but you must admit there is something odd about a social worker rescuing a young girl, taking her on, and then agreeing with the maniac parents that the only solution is to kill her. It just seemed so..............what's the word I keep using? Oh yeah, RIDICULOUS. It's like Case 39 just wants to explode into all different levels of under the radar inappropriateness. There's something unsettling about seeing Emily waiting for Lily to come home from school while she hides a knife behind her back.

So yeah. Case 39? Not good. Don't see it, unless you are using it for comedic purposes only.

Here is the wasp scene for your viewing pleasure.

The Bleeding House: NOT About Periods

2011-11-13T21:07:00.006-05:00

The poster art for The Bleeding House has been slowly seducing me ever since I first saw it skulking around my Netflix suggestions.

I tried to ignore it and its mediocre 3 star rating but in the end, that cover art just wouldn't leave my thoughts. The movie certainly seems to warrant a 3 star rating---it's neither bad nor groundbreaking, but it does have something about it that interests me.

Of course like all good things that interest me, I have no real idea why. Maybe it's because it's so radically different than most home invasion type horror movies. Or because it really does have something beautifully brutal about it. Whatever it is---I don't hate it.

The Bleeding House is not about a house full of girls having their periods, much to the chagrin of my 13 year old sense of humor. Instead, it is about a broken family who one night offer their home to a strange man claiming to be having car troubles. As we soon find however, this strange man has an entirely different agenda planned and that he's religious and speaks with a twang.

I wasn't sure what to think about the uber religious Nick. I knew right away he would unsettle me because I recognized him immediately as the creepy alien in Men in Black who's alien wife gives birth to a squid. Why does he always creep me out? I blame his t-shirt and his soft and feminine features.

As Nick, Patrick Breen is okay but there's a part of me that feels he's trying just a little too hard. Maybe I find that southern gentleman thing a little cliche but also, why does every religious nut job have to have that painstaking southern twang? Ultimately the character of Nick became a major thorn in my side. I wasn't buying his motives and he wasn't giving it enough oomph to really sell it.

On the plus side, there is plenty of brutality.

In fact, The Bleeding House can get pretty bloody. There's a lot of throat slashing, a gory head bashing with a rock and the ultimate---death by the complete draining of one's blood. Here is where I think The Bleeding House really hits on something great. The act of slowly killing someone by draining all their blood is quite tedious.

It feels exhausting and carries a certain amount of seriousness with it. Of course, I do feel like that whole process could have been explained better. You never really get a strong grasp of what the purpose of all that was, and it would have been nice to see his craziness come full circle.

None of the brutality however compares to the daughter, Gloria.

She immediately poses herself as an enigma. Catching birds in boxes, tacking dead bugs to her wall. Is she the reason that all the knives in the house must be locked up? Actually, to back track---the entire family is an enigma.

We sense that something is not right but we don't get a true sense of why until much later. There's some hushed talk about a fire, and some vague form of sickness that their family carries. Gloria however is entirely too interesting to let go. Of course, we find out why eventually and it's a bit of a surprise. It's also maybe too much of a surprise now that I think about it.

I guess what I'm getting at is that the surprise about Gloria's character isn't really a surprise at all, if that makes sense. Alright you're right that doesn't make sense. Hmm let's say that Gloria really surprised me because A. she's a girl and B. she's a lunatic. I find that all too often, the sweet yet troubled teenage daughter is a bit of a wet blanket. She seems helpless, and boring, too cookie cutter or something of that nature. Instead, the crazy family member is always reserved for the black sheep brother. Therefore, it was oddly refreshing to get a character like Gloria thrown to us and for once to have her turn out exactly the way that we expect her to.

Ultimately, The Bleeding House is anything to write home about. Which by the way, wouldn't it be neat if we really wrote home about cool things still?

Dear Mom,

Today I ate a sandwich and then I watched The Wonder Years. Winnie Cooper moved away and I got sad. But at least my sandwich was good. Wish you were here

Love,

Andre

The Bleeding House is just alright with a few added notes of awesome here and there. It does end up feeling a bit tedious by its end and the ending battle was a little too dark to really be blown away by. And by dark I mean I couldn't see anything that was happening. No really, what was happening there? So in closing, be seduced by The Bleeding House's cover art if you wish. It won't be the biggest mistake you'll ever make and then after we can have a discussion about Gloria and how she confuses us. And we could also maybe talk about that unsure feeling of whether or not we liked it. AND then we can talk about boys and do our nails. Yay!

Insidious: That Demon Really Has a Talent For Making Beautiful Masks...

2011-11-09T20:36:00.011-05:00

I confess to unfairly judging people and things on a daily basis. Nobody's perfect. Perhaps the biggest one in recent memory aside from my consistent and nasty judgement towards all diet sodas, and also people that drink fruit punch, is my prediction that Insidious would stink. It's not that I'm against James Wan or the people behind Saw----it's more that I'm...against Saw so therefore I am kind of Saw racist. Meaning, anything involved with Saw is in my mind....TRASH!

Insidious however is mostly a surprise. I say mostly because there comes a point where it veers off into eye roll, you've gone too far now territory. We'll get to that later but why don't we talk about the good first......

For starters, it's a pretty neat idea. A boy falls into a "coma" or something like it, which results in a series of supernatural occurrences mostly involving scary people or ghosts performing dastardly deeds. Deeds like malevolent pacing, glaring, and creepy smiles. In an attempt to thwart the ghosts, the family moves out only to find that the ghosts have followed. Yes, you've figured it out haven't you? It's the boy that's haunted... for real son!

Naturally, my favorite part about Insidious is that it's in the supernatural sub-genre of horror. There are spooky things going on, the story is neat and it involves my 4th favorite thing in the world---astral projection. Not that I've ever made a list of my favorite things in the world...... well okay since you asked:

1. Sandwiches

2. Slipper Socks

3. My Cat

4. Astral Projection

5. Kurt Russell

6. Potato Chips

7. Sleeping

8. Gin

9. Cute Puppies

10. Bacon

Alright well maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit. Maybe astral projection isn't my 4th favorite thing, it's just something I became minorly obsessed with after reading about it in a Lois Duncan book called Stranger With My Face. And before you ask, the answer is no--I still have not been successful at astral projecting. I think you need to be a Native American (?)

Where was I? Oh yes. Insidious certainly provides the chills. The really good kind of chills that creep you the fuck out. Also the kind of chills that make you punch the person sitting next to you which yes, can sometimes unfortunately be a baby or small child. It's also the kind of movie that I can picture watching as an 11 year old at a sleepover and having an absolute cow over. Terrifying old women wearing veils? Black shadowy figures in the corner with long fingernails?

Little boys dancing and giggling and hiding in cabinets? It's like a combination of all my worst nightmares as a child. The only thing missing is a shark hiding in my closet.

Not only that, but in those first 50 minutes or so, Insidious manages to restrain itself into realms of subtlety which is perhaps one of the most surprising things of all. There are scare tactics utilized here that are just the right amount of scare. A perfect example is the baby monitor scene--you expect some scary face to come jump out at you once Rose Byrne opens the door to the baby's room. But nobody is there. Instead of shoving the scare in our face, we get it nicely built up and it trickles right down our spines.

Of course with praise comes one nitpick. Even in the beginning part of the film, the subtleties are still complimented by those jolting sound cues. It's one of my increasing pet peeves about a lot of modern horror today. Instead of having something just be scary or creepy (like the bloody hand on the sheet) the scary thing has to be accompanied by some sort of DUN DUN DUN!!! like tone.

This bothers me because I feel like it's taking away from the scare. Don't tell us we should be scared....just let us be scared. You know?

But of course we can't fault it too much. It's a great first part to the movie, Rose Byrne's impending depression and eventual hysterics.

The duality of both her and her husband's coping mechanisms.

And of course the mystery of who all these ghosts are. It also has the benefit of giving several little nice nods to Poltergeist which obviously gets a gold star in my book. Yes, Insidious is largely a fantastic little film.

However............the "2nd part" of the film tends to turn the volume up a little too much. It suddenly begins to feel like a different movie and the kind of movie that I hate. This is where the Saw style or I suppose the Dead Silence style really starts to show itself.

Once the father crosses over to the "The Further" things get ridiculous. Suddenly it becomes some kind of weird Gothic fun house, complete with smiling and doll-like ghosts, in your face scares (literally in your face), and stupid CGI ghost faces and demons.

It's like Insidious was this incredible symphony of classical music and then it turned into this rage infested Insane Clown Posse mess. One minute we're cruising along in this nice and creepy ghost story and the next we're watching some CGI demon guy sharpen his nails on an old fashioned sewing machine.

As if that wasn't enough, suddenly the ghosts get all restless and start a weird Coup d'etat of the house. Basically it's just too freaking much. It suddenly becomes this big show where subtlety flies right out the window.

Of course, this doesn't completely sour my taste of Insidious. I still find it to be one of the scarier films that have come out lately. And really, is there anything creepier than the succession of photos where the terrifying old lady is in all the pictures getting closer and closer?

Actually, is there anything creepier THAN that old lady? Highly doubtful. Definitely a future member of the Scary Face Club if you ask me.

So in closing, don't be like me and write off Insidious because of its ties to Saw. It actually is quite the opposite despite the turn into ridiculous near the end. It has so many great little scenes and so many great jumps and scares. And if you're really lucky you'll watch it when you're all alone and have poor eyesight and then think that the old woman is sitting on your couch when in fact it's just a blanket...good times!

Scary Face Club: November Inductees

2011-11-06T16:30:00.000-05:00

Well, it's November--a short month full of Fall, Turkeys and early Christmas carols. I don't mind November as much as say, the evil month of March but I do find Thanksgiving to be kind of a snooze. I eat Turkey all the time okay? When don't we eat something exciting like lobster or...PIZZA?

Here's one good thing November's got going for it. Another meeting of the Scary Face Club. Who will make it into the club this month? Let's find out shall we?

Don't know what The Scary Face Club is? Click here fool!

Regan

(The Exorcist)

Another reader recommendation that I must say floored me with its obviousness. Maybe because Pazuzu's scary demon face distracted me by being the president of the SFC, I never even remembered that Regan's non-Pazuzu face is just as frightening. I remember once in my youth, flipping past poster displays in the backlit, Marijuana infested back portion of Spencer Gifts, when I came across a poster of Regan smiling devilishly. There, snuggled safely between the giant boobs of some playboy centerfold and a poster of the yellow Smiley face smoking a joint, stood Regan with her terrifying face magnified. I remember my heart literally stopping for a brief second or two. This face still gives me the heebie jeebies.

Norris

(The Thing)

After my recent re-watch of The Thing and my subsequent anger at what's his face of EW, trash talking The Thing's effects--I couldn't ignore the terrifying face of Norris after being 'Thinged' (I made that up!) If there's one thing that is guaranteed to take a marginally scary face to SFC proportions, it's the addition of a pointy, sharp set of teeth. Such is the case here with Norris' nasty, slimy long necked face.

Beetlejuice

(Beetlejuice)

This is a first in The SFC. A face that we never even see! I like to think that I'm an Equal Opportunity Employer of scary faces or I guess more of an out of the box thinker. If there's one thing that always frightened me to death in Beetlejuice it was the scene where Beetlejuice proves he can be scary. I don't know what it is about this...maybe the noises, or the possibility of getting to see what his face is doing but whatever it is, it still kind of freaks me out. Seriously, what's going on over there? I shudder to think.

The Creeper

(Jeeper Creepers)

I suppose if I had to guess, I would assume that Beetlejuice's face might be resembling that of the Creeper's when he gets exposed to light and gets all mean and demony. You know what I've always not liked? When faces suddenly morph into something that fans out and is surprising and scary. Just like that dinosaur that kills Newman in Jurassic Park! Fuck that stuff man. The Creeper clearly fits into this category and I hate to say it, but people don't tend to give the Creeper a lot of credit in the scare department. I think he's scary. Plus, he can sew. Bam.

That Thing in the Basement

(American Horror Story)

I haven't exactly been addressing this in my day to day interactions with you all, but in between my love marathons of The Wonder Years, I've been unapologetically obsessed with American Horror Story. I love it. I love how weird and unexplained it is--like a David Lynch film. It's also got its fair share of scares---one in particular....the beast in the basement. This thing legit freaked me out in that first episode. So much so that I let out an audible scream that I seconds later tried to cover up by joking. Truth is--this was no joke--shit is scary. Again, with the pointed teeth and the gross wispy hair...... this is a face that will unfortunately appear when I do not want it to. Like when I'm trying to fall asleep and can't or like when I have to go to the basement to do my laundry. Curses.

I Get By With a Little Help From The Thing

2011-11-04T21:59:00.010-04:00

Last Saturday we had a snowstorm in Massachusetts. A snowstorm in October. It was fairly close to being dubbed as the worst in my 'Things That are the Worst' book. Luckily the midnight screening of Suspiria that I attended that night managed to fix things mostly. However. The snow reminded me of things like death, anger, and gloom. Don't be alarmed, these are normal thoughts that flow through my head during the winter season. If you don't know by now it's high time you did---winter can suck it.

So on that dismal night of the October snow I began recalling among other things, the unpleasantness of being cold, angry and scared. It was then I realized that I was long overdue for another viewing of The Thing. Naturally, if I can't love the snow, I can at least love Kurt Russell in the snow.

The thing about The Thing is that it kind of breaks my heart. Watching it is both the best and worst experience of my life. It's the worst because it's like having a party with all your friends and them watching them all die one by one---which makes you sad. You also have to watch dogs die, and you find out that people you have trusted, really aren't who you thought they were. It's a lot to handle okay?

I mean, you straight up are building relationships with these people. You're seeing MacReady through his alcoholism and bad chess playing.

You're spending time with Nauls by rollerskating and jamming to Stevie Wonder in the kitchen.

You're feeling sad and gloomy with Clark.

You're making sullen faces with Garry.

You're trying not to upset Childs.

These people ARE your family. It's almost certainly a lesson on how to imprint the feelings and surroundings of your characters on your audience. Our characters are in a sense trapped with each other so they become each other's family and essentially---their life. We get that same feeling even by knowing them for only an hour and 40 minutes. Alright, so maybe I'm one of few people who takes things so directly when watching this. I can't help it if I have a soul.

Also, fuck you guy who wrote that article about The Thing's special effects not holding up nowadays. What movie were you watching? I'm still continuously wowed by how awesome and absolutely putrid everything looks in this. And to think that it's all practical effects, that somebody created those effects completely blows my mind away. Go back to your modernized head filled with CGI blood and laziness you bastard.

Well now I've lost my train of thought and that's just great. I guess all I wanted to say was that this viewing of The Thing made me feel sad deep down inside. I miss my friends, but I suppose I can always see them again whenever I want. BUT then if I do want to see them, I'll just have to see them die all over again and again and again. Why is the world so cruel? Also, can someone please make a parody of the theme song of Friends but with characters from The Thing? Thanks.

Ye Gods! Whatta Meesa Watchin'?!

2011-11-02T18:49:00.006-04:00

Did you know it took me all of 12 years to figure out that Jar-Jar Binks wasn't saying, "Egads! What is meesa sayin?" I also thought he used to say, "Better day here than better day at the curb", because you know obviously Gungan's leave their trash out on the curb whilst in their underwater paradise. I also just realized that I have no idea what "The Phantom Menace" is referring to. What a shitty title for an even shittier movie. Oh wait, I think I get it....

Anyways!

I have been having total ADD movie watching syndrome and ADD writing syndrome. I don't feel like watching anything and then when I start writing something about something I didn't really feel like watching in the first place, I get all angry and lazy. Then I give up, take off my pants and watch The Wonder Years. Riveting life I lead.

So in an attempt to pool together all my ADD in one place, I'm going to tell you what exactly I've been watching. And then I'm going to write about them until I get lazy and take off my pants. Here goes nothing.

Interview With the Vampire

I can't even remember the last time I watched this movie. In fact, I may have ever only seen bits and pieces--most notably Kristen Dunst' demise in the well which more or less scarred me as a child and made me lament the fact that such pretty dresses were destroyed.

I guess I never knew the whole story or what it was really about and how Tom Cruise fit into it all. But now I know. Interview with the Vampire is one gigantic gay love story....and I LOVE IT!

We are often familiar with the Lesbian Vampire genre but how often is the Gay-man vampire edge swung? Probably more than you think, but because people tend to close their minds to gay undertones because it's not two hot chicks drinking each other's blood and doing it, people don't realize it. Interview With the Vampire however is very gay as evidence by the completely love sick face of Tom Cruise's Lestat. Lestat and Louis' relationship is so passionate and even everlasting as it courses throughout the ages.

Heck, they even adopt a daughter together. Of course it's probably true that Lestat may be the only gay one but one cannot ignore the implied meaning of their relationship.

As a movie, Interview with the Vampire is very long yet happens to draw you in even in its 2 hours. It's also delightfully bloody and BONUS Antonio Banderas is in it.

Our hearts go out to Claudia as she realizes she will never become a woman, and that scene in the well is still so chill inducing after all these years. Naturally Interview With the Vampire gets a giant thumbs up in my book.

Poltergeist III

I will always fondly remember Poltergeist III for keeping me far away from parking garages. Even still to this day I'm convinced that a mysterious puddle will appear out of nowhere, suck me down, spit me out into a pool or into the body of Tangina (I forget if I've ever mentioned how funny it is to me to say Tangina's name like it rhymes with vagina. But one more time won't hurt. Haha.....Tan-GINA)

and then cause me to emerge as a really mean person. Poltergeist III also keeps people's fears of mirrors alive and well.

In fact, even though it's a terrible film, Poltergeist III actually has quite a bit of trauma inducing moments if you think about it. If only it could have been handled a little bit better and if only Tom Skerritt's mustache was a little thicker---then I think we could have had a real success here

Yes, Julian Beck is dead and Nathan Beck's Kane just isn't scary enough

and yes the psychiatrist is quite possibly the worst and stupidest character to ever have been brought into existence and YES his "theory" about why things are happening and Carol Anne's manipulation makes no sense at all....but I guess I still find something of value hidden deep beneath the parking garage pool.

It's probably all because of Tom Skerritt. I should also note that I only watched 50 minutes of Poltergeist III before I got lazy and took my pants off. Not bad if I do say so myself.

Pontypool

Sometimes I feel it my duty to drop truth bombs. So here is one: Pontypool is fucking amazing. It's the smartest, best, and most unique 'zombie' film that I've ever seen and it always makes me reevaluate my brain. It also hurts my brain and keeps me up all night--not because it's terrifying but because it truly makes you think.

Not that the film isn't scary of course. It is and it creates its suspense in such a brilliant and subtle way. The majority of the disease is presented to us by hearing it through the phone or on news reports or even on messages relayed to other people. We are stuck inside the radio station throughout the duration of the film and that claustrophobic and trapped feeling never seems to leave us.

The scene where the girl repeatedly launches herself into the glass is stomach churning,

and I could listen to Mazzy's opening monologue about 30 times in one day. I remember reading somewhere that his opening monologue is what starts everything going in the first place. But now I can't remember where I read that and it makes me feel sad. But let's believe it anyways because it's the best theory we've got.

Naturally I think it goes without saying that you need to watch Pontypool if you have not already. It's the thinking man/woman's zombie movie and therefore the best kind of zombie film because it means that all those annoying people that "love" zombies will probably hate this---so EVERYBODY WINS!

Well, that's it I guess. Time to put my pants on.

This Just In: Little Closets Are the Worst

2011-10-24T22:32:00.004-04:00

Seeing Paranormal Activity 3 on Friday afternoon made me realize several things. Like how I really need to brush up on my pretending not to be scared faces and also that Sprite is a really refreshing soft drink that I seldom choose when faced with the deciding factor of a Coke. My most startling revelation however was when I realized that little closets are the devil.

A film like Paranormal Activity 3 does something awesome which is, surprise you and also scare the shit out of you. When was the last time the third movie in a tired series made you do a victory dance? Oh, probably never. Yet, it is my belief that PA 3 has done it! Go see it if you have not already...it will be the most fun you've had in the theater all year. Trust me!

Anyways back to things that are the worst. We find out in PA3 that the menacing demon that torments both Kristi and Katie was actually Kristi's make believe friend growing up and that his name was/is Toby.

Toby is a terrible name because it reminds me of Toby from Degrassi who was gross but also Toby is just a really odd name for a demon. Toby is also supposed to be "old" and "tall" according to little Kristi, which makes me instantly picture Toby looking something like this.

Blah!

So Toby lives in this little closet in Kristi and Katie's room. As soon as I saw that little closet it was like 25 years of a latent trauma bursting through my brain. My house growing up had 2 little closets.....well 3 I suppose if you count the double doors little closet that was in my big closet in my room. Here is something you should know about little closets.....they are mysteriously creepy. I'm no expert but I believe this is because A. Why is it so little? and B. Because it's so little this obviously means that only evil things can live in there.

Little closets always made me nervous because I was positive, absolutely positive that someone or something was going to come out of there. What makes them worse is that they make this little creaky noise when they open......I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it now.

So along comes PA 3 which utilizes the creeptastic nature of the little closet to its utmost potential. We're talking hearing that uber creepy creaky noise in the middle of the night. Katie getting pulled into the little closet. The little closet slamming its door shut violently. Demon drawings on the ceiling. It's all too horrible to imagine the world of little closets inhabited by evil demons named Toby.

Additionally this little closet reminded me of that scene in The Sixth Sense. Perhaps one of, if not the scariest scene in the entire film. Why do people think it's funny to torment us with little closets again? Oh yes, because people are cruel.

In closing, little closets are the worst and PA 3 proves this point. Please tell me I'm not alone in my little closet phobia. Anyone? Hello?

Red State: Bagels? Don't Trust Them.

2011-10-19T22:44:00.006-04:00

Red State is weird. Like...bacon and chocolate weird or latex porno weird. In theory a good idea but ultimately it leaves you confused and unsure about the world and your body. What did I think of Red State? I DON'T KNOW. I think that there are a lot of guns. I think that religious people are scary (but we already knew that). I think I feel confused and betrayed about the fact that Senor Esteban Vihaio is not actually Mexican.

Not a Mexican

See?

I think that John Goodman is suddenly really old. I think that Kevin Smith must have a girl crush on Breaking Bad. I think that a bagel is theoretically a good breakfast but when all is said and done, it's really just empty calories. In short---I am confused!

Don't be fooled

I don't know a lot about Kevin Smith movies. In fact I just did a quick tally of how many times I've been truly exposed to Kevin Smith and I'm pretty sure that total is 1. Well I guess 2 now, and if you count that time he starred on an episode of Degrassi--- that equals 2 and 1/4 instances of Kevin Smith exposure. Oh well, we can't have it all I guess. In truth, I've been a tad turned off by Kevin Smith as of late and all of his plots to charge people a million dollars* for a ticket to see his movie. Not everyone has a million dollars okay Kevin?

*Not really a million dollars, but it was enough to make me scoff.

Anyways, Red State was supposedly a completely different film for Kevin Smith. Not that I would know or anything but that's what they tell me. The good news is that I think my lack of insight into the work of Kevin Smith puts me at an advantage here. That's right no bias on this woman.

So. Red State. Based loosely on that wacko Fred Phelps, Red State is about a nutty religious group that blows things way out of proportion. They like to kidnap sinners and gay people and kill them and they also have an entire room full of machine guns--because we all know that ultra religious people are living and breathing hypocrisies. After a ritual kidnapping and slaying goes wrong however, all hell breaks loose and the shit really hits the fan.

Contrary to popular belief (my belief) Red State is not a film about religious zombies and/or a rampant free for all where the religious group takes over the entire town and everyone gets all sweaty and bloody. I blame the posters. Red State is however extremely gunny, which is a word I just made up and it means, that there are a lot of guns. A lot of gunfire, and a lot of crazy religious nut bags shooting at cops and calling them cock suckers. I really did not expect this to be so chaotic but I suppose it's all part of the appeal.

I will say that it's pretty obvious during Red State's running time that Kevin Smith has a strong opinion about both religion and government. There's not really a good side to anything here--and as much as we want to be on the "good guys" side, I think you'll find that it's tough to figure out who that is. Although I will say they don't call him John Goodman for nothing. HA. P.S. Why doesn't John Goodman feel that it's necessary to wear a helmet in times of religious skirmishes? He was really getting me worried.

So yes blah blah who is the good guy? Blah blah, innocent people are being killed either way. Blah. I guess I'm kind of over this whole message in a movie thing that happens sometimes with films like this. It's not like Red State is particularly enthralling either. To me it often times felt like it was coming to a standstill. I was also let down by how things played out there at the end. Things felt very sudden and rushed didn't they? In fact, a lot of the movie felt rushed. It felt like Kevin Smith had all these ideas and all these little inputs of commentary and irony but they didn't feel like they were fleshed out.

I may not know a whole lot about Kevin Smith as a filmmaker, but I can say that I think he's one of those directors that dwells more on underlying messages than he does on actual film making and the art of it. I guess I'm mostly just having a hard time accepting this extreme view point. It's like the movie was a decent critique on the hypocrisy of the Church but then it just morphed into this sudden bout of ridiculous diarrhea and guns. People like that I guess--but didn't anyone else feel like things got a little too unnecessary? Oh wait! That's what religion is...... suddenly and ridiculously unnecessary. I get it now!

Seriously though, I wasn't in love with this. I think it's pretty okay--but nothing great. It verges on this weird sub-dermal level of torture porn for a hot second that takes a nose dive into gunsville. There's some pretty awesome gun violence and I guess it can be funny at times but I'm just not jumping for joy about it. I think I'll go back to watching latex porn....I mean.....eating bagels.

Paranormal Activity 2: The Plot Thickens

2011-10-16T18:26:00.005-04:00

I wouldn't say I loved Paranormal Activity. In fact, I kind of despised it. My wrath was more directed at the annoyingness of Micah Sloat however so I realize that perhaps I wasn't as fair to PA as I should have been. Sure, it's fantastic how such a low budget and simple concept can scare people out of their minds but at what cost? I have to sit through an hour and a half of Micah "Douchebag" Sloat to get scared? Pfffft.

Good news for all you Micah Sloat haters though. Paranormal Activity 2 contains minuscule amounts of the man (Although those small amounts did make me grind my teeth viciously) and to make matters so much better---characters are much, much, MUCH more sensible and less douchey and therefore my teeth feel better.

Another thing Paranormal Activity 2 has going for it that makes me appreciate both it and its predecessor, is that it's smart. It's smart because it's turning what could have easily been a one hit wonder into a mysterious and page turning movie experience. Yes page turning...which is something rarely RARELY seen with horror films and their sequels. Think of it. How often do we flock to the movie theater because we yearn to know what happens next? Oh I don't know...never! Paranormal Activity 2 however makes this happen and it does it rather intelligently.

Paranormal Activity's sequel takes place about 2 months before the events in the first film. We follow Katie's family who have recently added a new baby boy to the mix. It's not long before strange things keep happening. The same strange things that we saw before only now they seem more violent. It becomes very clear that the demon is coveting the baby and it will not stop until it gets what it wants.

I will mention here that the scares in Paranormal Activity 2 aren't as surprising as in the first film. Sure they're there but I felt like there was so much more creepy build up in the first film. So many more subtle things and noises that really worked for it. I suppose we're kind of assimilated to the demons shenanigans by now. We know his usual tricks....slowly opening doors, making things fall, but none of the usual coolness seems to happen here. Maybe it's because this new house has carpeted floors so we can't hear the demons thunderous footsteps on the stairs? Who knows. Whatever it was the activity here felt slightly less amplified.

That isn't to say Paranormal Activity 2 lacks any scares at all. On the contrary, Paranormal Activity 2 tends to almost heighten what the first film did not. The levels that the film goes to is still just as surprising as we could ever dream. People do get dragged and people get possessed. The baby even at one gets dragged! The demon is clearly not messing around.

And now for some SPOILER TERRITORY... I will say that it was kind of hilarious how they "solved" their problem. I know I had heard people mention this aspect of the film when it first came out but now seeing it for myself does tend to make it verge on ridiculous. Alright well I suppose it's a good solution in the short run but come on. Bad idea. And also----plot hole? I thought one of the creepier aspects of the first film was that this demon had been following Katie around all her life. This twist however makes you believe that it was really her sister that the demon had been after---due mostly to Katie's rehashing of their childhood. So that made me kind of sour.

Overall though, what an excellent way to deal with a prequel. I absolutely love when sequels are made with care to the original. Obviously this is done here...but as I said earlier it really takes the story to new levels. Yes its using its old tricks but it's developing the story as it does so therefore our interest gets peaked and the film becomes new and interesting. I'm not one for eating my words, but good work Paranormal Activity. I'm very impressed with you and how you are dealing and developing these sequels. Maybe there are other people out there that didn't love the first film but are now really nodding along enthusiastically for the second film--AND for the future. What will happen next?

What the FUCK Old Man/Kid on a Bicycle?

2011-10-11T18:30:00.006-04:00

I know I may have mentioned this once or twice before but one more time won't hurt. Seriously what the fuck is up with the kid/old man on a bicycle scene in In The Mouth of Madness? Is that not one of the creepiest things you've ever seen in your life? Why aren't more people talking about this all of the time? Why aren't people standing around the "water cooler" (I drink from the tap but hey, no judgement) and being like "Seriously, what the fuck is up with that scene?". Why aren't more people tweeting things like WHAT THE FUCK OLD MAN/KID ON A BICYCLE. Because that's what goes through my head when I watch this scene.....pure and unadulterated fucked up-ness.

Let's walk through the set up shall we? John Trent and book editor Linda Styles are traveling to an unmarked and apparently fictional town out of Sutter Cane's novel. John has fallen asleep forcing Linda to drive aimlessly through the desolate and foggy nighttime roads of New England. Suddenly she comes upon a boy on his bicycle.

He's pedaling fast and looking like he's in some kind of terrible anguish.

The camera focuses on the playing cards in his spokes. Linda drives on by.

As she continues to drive we see a reflector up ahead, this time coming at us. Linda slows down a bit as the camera slowly brings into focus an old man riding a bicycle and wearing the same clothes as the boy!

Wait a minute---IT IS THE BOY.

Yeah. Fucked up is right. I've watched and studied this scene over and over again and it never loses its creep factor. It just may be the most gloriously creepy scene to ever have been invented, am I right? It's the perfect combination of an eerie and quiet road at night, flawless soundtrack delivery, and complete surprise. It's one of the more perfect instances of placing the audience directly into a nightmarish landscape. God bless you John Carpenter.

But seriously, what the fuck!!? Somebody should be this for Halloween. On second thought don't because then I'd have to punch you in the throat.

Perfect Movies for Halloween: The Others

2011-10-09T21:44:00.006-04:00

You must forgive me Horror Digest readers---I've been a bit M.I.A as of late. The reasons behind this are simple. At precisely 8PM on Saturday I was possessed by a supernatural entity known as The Wonder Years. This supernatural force seduced me with all of its witty and poignant commentary on the state of the world in the 60s and the state of life as a 12 year old boy. I can't help it if Fred Savage is the cutest thing to ever be created right?

Of course, this possession doesn't explain away the fact that I've been posting about once a week lately. The only answer I can give there is that I'm lazy!

So anyways, at some point last week, I decided to embark on a little project called Perfect Halloween movies. These are movies that I've seen before but not in the comforts of the Autumn season. They are the epitome of spooky, of that crisp fall atmosphere and they're just begging for you to watch them as you curl up on your couch submersed in darkness.

The Others is now streaming on Netflix and as soon as I found that out, I had to watch it immediately. I like the Others because I tend to think that it does ghost stories AND psychological stories right. I also was curious to go back and view it with a fresh opinion on spooky and a minor in Psychology. Plus, I couldn't remember the last time I saw it the whole way through. WARNING: From now on I will be assuming you have seen this movie. If you have not, you may want to cease reading.

While many can find disappointment in The Others, I can find oodles of intriguing bits of psychological nerdy fun! Let me preface this by saying I love psychology. I love psychology so much, that I spend hours diagnosing my "friends" psychological symptoms as they appear on my newsfeed. Who knew that so many people with bi-polar disorder could all be found in one place?

Naturally my interest in Psychology has led this viewing of the Others in a more sad and lonesome territory than before.

For starters, The Others is like one gigantic PSA for the inherit dangers of being a woman. Sorry, I should say the inherit dangers of being a women, raising two children on her own in post World War II England, in a gigantic house in the middle of nowhere. There seem to be two very apparent things about Grace's mental state. Number one: she is probably suffering from SAD or Season Affective Disorder and two: she has a short fuse.

Seasonal Affective Disorder is primarily assigned to people that are mentally healthy except in the winter seasons where there is less light throughout the day. If you take this disorder and apply it to the fact that Grace must keep the curtains drawn at all times in her house then you get an extended period of Seasonal Affective Disorder OR major depression. Grace is not exposed to a lot of light therefore her moods tend to flow up and down as the days wear on. Put that on top of the fact that she has a short fuse, misses her husband dearly, and lives in the middle of nowhere---and you've got a problem.

You see, I've never really watched The Others with a sympathetic eye towards Grace Stewart. In the past, I've come to see her as an absolute loony who put far too much importance on God and far less importance on the well being of her children. There's also that whole thing about smothering her children with a pillow. On this viewing however I noticed that we are supposed to feel some pity for Grace after all. I say this, because even at the outset of the big reveal--her children and the house servants do not view Grace as any kind of enemy. The children immediately go into her arms as though nothing had ever happened between them. Grace holds them tightly and professes her love for them and the really scary thing is that we believe her.

How can this be? How can we feel sympathy towards a women that completely snaps and kills her children? Maybe it's because of the closeness we feel towards Grace. At times it's almost like we're intruding on some secretive emotional upheaval. Like we should look away to give her some privacy. We tend to feel her moments of complete and utter hopelessness. Her feelings of isolation, of sadness and of grief.

Her unwillingness to accept her husband's death and her powerlessness to stop the revelation at the film's conclusion.

Although on this viewing I concentrated more on the psychological implications, I still couldn't help but notice how insanely creepy several moments in this film are. For instance, I am still finding it difficult to find a horror movie released within the past decade that has a better creeptastic moment than when the scary old woman possesses the little girl. That is SO fucked up right? From the first glimpse that something is wrong---we see a pair of old and wrinkled hands playing with the marionettes, to the whites of the old woman's eyes underneath the first communion veil. And the real kicker that the old woman speaks in the little girl's voice. It still gives me the creeps.

Also fun and creepy---the whispers of the "intruders", when Grace is searching for someone in the room with all the sheets.

The shocking and surprising occurrence of a scary man's face behind Grace (which turns out to merely be a painting), flipping through the death album

---and my personal favorite---the drawing of the old woman.

If there's one thing that always tends to freak me out, it's crude drawings of scary old women. I'm not kidding either. There's something about a child's take on a witch or scary old woman that sends shivers down my spine. In looking at this drawing of the old woman, I'm reminded of that scene in Blair Witch where a drawing of what the Blair Witch supposedly looks like is shown. It's just the idea that something like that could exist, that really gets to me. Scary old ladies really get to me I guess.

Overall--I still find the Others to be one of the better ghost stories of all time. Many may not agree, but I find that there is a lot to admire here and plenty to give you goosebumps during the Halloween season.

The Scary Face Club: October Inductees

2011-10-03T22:29:00.005-04:00

Welcome to October, Scary Face Club members! You might have thought that since October is the season of Halloween....that this month's Scary Face Club meeting would be extra special. Well I've got news for you. I am not racist. OR rather I mean that I don't give special treatment to certain months based on the coolest of their holidays. Sure, March is pretty ugly and let's be honest more robberies happen in March than any other month that's only because March doesn't get the same opportunities as everyone else. But seriously what's the big deal with Halloween? If I can be candid (although I think we're past "candid" seeing as how I just compared months to different racial stereotypes), Halloween and I? Not as in love as you want to believe.

Yes, I watch horror movies and yes I like spooky things---but I don't like when spooky things happen to me and Halloween is all about experiencing the spooky for yourself. Therefore...we do not get along as well as I had hoped we might. Ergo, this meeting of the Scary Face Club will be treated like any other month.....

Alright fine.

HALLOWEEN DONUTS FOR EVERYONE!

Happy?

So now that we're all feeling spooky and donut-fied, let's get to this month's inductees! Don't know what The Scary Face Club is? Click here fool!

Chatterer

(Hellraiser)

If there's one thing I regret in life, it's not being able to put the puzzle box together so that Chatterer could come into my hospital room and stick his fingers down my throat... NOT! That would be the 2nd worst scenario to ever happen in the world. The first is having to suck on the teat of those gigantic and terrifying old lady boobs in Dead Alive. No pictures of that because this is a family blog (It's really not, but who would want to look at those again?)

Chatterer is what I like to call....really fucking good make up effects. They don't make 'em like that anymore and that really makes me sad. The Chatterer is so grotesque, so hideous and frightening yet still awesome. It kind of makes my head hurt. It also kind of makes me wet my pants in fear.

Linda

(The Evil Dead)

I know Cheryl is clearly the winner of the scariest face in The Evil Dead trilogy, but quite honestly....the Evil Dead movies are pretty darn good at nailing that scary face motif. In Linda's case: disgusting, wrinkly, tar spitting demon faces are not the go to scare. Instead, she goes for a look of insane clown that makes you want to grab hold of the nearest cat and squeeze. Her make up effects are more limited yet I find them to be just as effective. Is it the way she maniacally laughs? Is it because she looks like some kind of mean clown? OR like some kind of mean clown DOLL (the worst kind of clown). I'm not expert at math but I believe the answer is, all of the above.

Beast Child

(In the Mouth of Madness)

Do these things have names? I only know them by "Ahhh!" I really and truly hate when little children look like deformed beasties. The Brood is another good example of this. It's like these evil beasties get inside of our minds and make us want to do cruel things...murderous things because these creatures are so hideous yet they're just messing with us because there's still somehow a part of us that associates them with children right? Well, maybe not entirely children.....but yes....there's something mysterious here.

In any case...this little beastie really made me regret taking a sip of water at the exact moment he decided to snarl his horrid beastie teeth. I regretted it because the water went down the wrong pipe! My advice is: do not drink water during most of In the Mouth of Madness.

The Creature

(Martyrs)

I realized after combing for pictures of The Creature in Martyrs that I must have completely blocked out the part where we see her scowling and being all scary. In my mind the only picture I needed to qualify the creature for the Scary Face Club was this one.

In this case it was the idea of The Creature that made her completely and insanely terrifying. But that picture up there? Yeah, fuck that shit! This woman is one of the most horrifying things to ever happen in a movie ever. She's so unexpected, so out of nowhere and so.....devastating. Yes, I think the key word when talking about Martyrs is definitely "devastating". Haven't seen Martyrs yet? Only the strong should proceed.

Old Hag

(The Princess Bride)

I love taking recommendations for Scary Face Club nominees because I always find that people have truly brilliant ways of classifying a scary face. Reader Becky for instance emailed me a few fantastic suggestions one day and I couldn't help but smile (and also cry) when I got to her last one. The old hag who shouts "BOO! BOO!" at Princess Buttercup in her strange and oddly stagnant "nightmare". A hag so haggish, that she has owl eyebrows, a gigantic mole and breath that we can smell through the TV screen.

She may not be as scary as Pazuzu say, but this old hag really has some nostalgic horror attached to her. She made me really regret the fact that she existed because I was convinced when I was little that I was going to have a nightmare where I was a princess and that that moment would be ruined by some mean old hag shouting "Boo!" at me. Plus she's gross.