The Horror Digest

The Road: A Brief Scene of Perfection

2012-11-13T20:52:00.000-05:00

I don't remember much about The Road other than being confused about where Viggo Mortensen was.

Oh and plus it's from the Philippines, is told more or less in 3ish parts and had a somewhat predictable "twist" ending. The funny thing about The Road is that although I remember little about it--I still can't get one tiny scene out of my head.

There's a lot to be said for quiet horror. Not really volume wise--but the kind of horror that kind of creeps up and comes out at you unexpectedly. Like those quiet kids that are secretly awesome and really smart and cool and stuff.... yeah like me whatever.

These days horror is much too in your face. It's all like BOOM SCARY NOISES SCARY FACE BOOM BOOM BOOM. And then we're all like...

Sure, it's effective for a jump scare or seven but does it really keep you up at night contemplating the vast wonders of your psyche?

That is why whenever a scene like the one I'm about to explain comes along, I get all excited. In quite literal terms, this scene from The Road really does creep up on you. I'll try to set the stage but since I don't remember anything about this movie except a road and this scene--don't get your hopes up.

Two of the three characters trapped on an eternal dirt road at the film's beginning return from investigating a house.They hold onto each other as they walk back--crying, or screaming---we don't really know which because there is no audio. There is music but it's not entirely indicative of what is happening on the screen.

Suddenly a shadowy figure shows up in the far distance...some kind of bag is on their head.

Then they start running---really, really quickly right at our characters.

Our characters do not notice this. Again, there is no audio--just music.

This scene really snagged me because it's SO QUIET and so creepy. There needs to be more of this in horror period. It's so deliciously unexpected and well done. It's not predictable--it's not a jump scare, it just keeps happening and happening. The running, the unexplained creepiness, the dramatic irony, the fact that it looks like a guy running even though I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be a girl. This scene more or less to me is perfection. A golden example of the way horror movies should be scaring us. Not by blood and guts or jump scares---by running figures with plastic bags on their heads coming straight us without explanation and very, very quietly.

Oh and yeah watch The Road I guess...but mostly watch this scene. Happens around the 26:28 mark.

The Five Stages of Watching The Tall Man (As Demonstrated by Babies)

2012-09-28T16:45:00.000-04:00

Stage One: Excitement

Stage Two: Boredom

Stage Three: Confusion

Stage Four: Angry Crying

Stage Five: Bitterness

You're dead to me.

A Pointless/Awesome Post About How I Finally Watched the Cabin in the Woods

2012-09-25T11:07:00.000-04:00

It took me so long to watch the Cabin in the Woods and I'm super embarrassed about it. Ever since it came out--heck, before it came out even, people were all like "OMG YOU GUYS THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER"

and I was all like wait a minute... I thought Ghostbusters was the best movie ever?

And they were like yeah okay maybe... but THE CABIN IN THE WOODS IS SO GOOD.

And naturally I became dubious because sometimes the hype monster takes control of people's emotions and it gets messy.

However. All of a sudden people--normal people that I work with for instance, or people that do not like horror movies started coming up to me and being like, "OMG ANDRE THE CABIN IN THE WOODS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER".

And I was all like huh?

How is it, that people who do not like horror movies could say such a statement. Needless to say it was a cats and dogs living together kind of situation.

So fast forward to now, when I FINALLY got to see The Cabin the Woods for myself. In fact, I even bought it on Amazon instant video because I felt so embarrassed about not seeing it in the first place. I thought that maybe if I bought it, everyone would forgive me for not seeing it. And by everyone, I mean Morgan Freeman.

So what did I think.....

YOU GUYS THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER.

It really is great. It's fun, it's scary, it's weird, it's awesome, it's smart, it's stupid,---it's kind of exactly like my life when I write it all out like that... but most importantly it's something you should definitely watch. Not that anyone exists anymore that hasn't seen it. But just in case there is someone like me crouching in the corner and holding themselves while mumbling about how they don't want to be disappointed----

You won't be. Although, you should probably put on some clothes. But yes, The Cabin in the Woods is an exquisite treat of life.

Should I even talk about why it's so awesome? I don't know. I don't think I need to. The Cabin in the Woods is just so drastically different than anything that has come out in the last decade, it's kind of difficult to talk about it's awesomeness without sounding like a crazy person.

I just love virtually everything about this--but especially how different it is. And maybe even more especially the details of everything. For instance, someday I would like to really run a fine toothed comb through the basement scene and figure out which beast each thing stands for. Of course I already tried that and it was way too dark to really do it--

but also I can't figure out how each beast could even be represented in that tiny basement. Is this just a pipe dream? Probably.

Maybe instead I'll just keep watching The Cabin the Woods and dancing in my bed every time. Good thing I bought this movie so I can keep watching it and dance in my bed. People should really hire me to make important life decisions for them. I'm so good at it.

Snowtown: Exploration Disturbia Returns

2012-09-07T17:58:00.000-04:00

It's been a very long time since I sat down and watched a movie disturbing enough to make it on my "Exploration Disturbia" list. I may have even given up for awhile, purposely not seeking out anything remotely disturbing. Besides, what was there left to see? What could possibly shock me now? The funny thing was, I didn't even realize Snowtown might be a candidate. Netflix called it "grisly" but when was the last time Netflix spit truth bombs? They don't even know what the movie's title really is. Is it The Snowtown Murders? Snowtown? Snowtown Murders? Jeesh.

Well anyways, Netflix was right about the grisly part--and Snowtown has now made its way to ye olde list of very disturbing movies. Snowtown is a really, really fucking disturbing movie but not because it's filled with gore, or people having sex with dead bodies or any of that typical stuff that comes along with the term "disturbing". Snowtown is disturbing because it is real. Real in the sense that it is based on the true murder case that happened in Southern Australia between 1992-1999 and also because the horror runs so very deep.

While Snowtown is based on the murders orchestrated by John Bunting, the film focuses more on Jamie Vlassakis---who represented a pawn basically for John. The film begins with Vlassakis and his brothers being watched by their mother's boyfriend who suddenly decides to take naked pictures of the boys. When the mother discovers what has happened she goes rightfully insane and forms a bond with a community of people all for bringing justice to pedophiles. Part of this community is John Bunting who immediately enters into the Vlassakis family by courting the mother. His primary target however seems to be Jamie, whom he prods and prods until Jamie expels anger and distress at what has happened to him.

John Bunting and a few of his closer friends, began hunting down pedophiles, drug addicts, obese people and homosexuals over a span of 7 years. Violently torturing them, killing them, stuffing their bodies into barrels and then leaving pre-recorded voicemails on the victims loved one's answering machines claiming that they're "going away". The film more or less chronicles the downfall of Jamie and the horror of John Buntings plan.

Jamie's character is a broken one. After being abused by his mother's boyfriend, he later gets raped by his older half brother. After this, John Bunting relentlessly forces Jamie to take up a life of violence--a life that Jamie seems to truly not want. It's interesting and terrifying to watch this strange cycle of abuse unfold. John Bunting may think he is helping Jamie conquer those that have wronged him---but in reality he is only further abusing him. Jamie for instance is forced to watch his half brother tortured and after watching him be repeatedly strangled to the point of almost suffocation, Jamie is overcome by disgust and rushes in to put his half brother out of his misery. The scene finishes with Jamie sobbing outside in the cold.

I think this character of Jamie above all else is what really got me in Snowtown. You feel for this kid and the terrible life he's been given. John Bunting may be a psychopath and the true star of the real murder case but in the film---Jamie almost becomes a sort of tragic hero.

It's a touchy subject though---after all what is so wrong about bringing justice against pedophiles? It's a topic that gets brought up constantly throughout the film. Yes, pedophiles are dangerous and scary but what is also scary is a close minded vigilante with a thirst for blood. And while we really only see Bunting torture and kill one victim---we get snippets of people he is about to murder. These people have mental illnesses, were in car accidents and are now physically and mentally disabled. These people yes are pedophiles but are still people. It's the age old question that Dexter tackles every episode. No matter the circumstances, is it right to kill another human being?

Aside from all the extensive moral dilemmas, Snowtown is really just a gripping and well done film. I admit--after discovering Netflix now has a subtitle button I had to use it and go back and watch a big chunk of the film over again. These Australian accents are thick--and some of the dialogue is mumbled or very low. Plus, if you aren't paying full attention, you'll miss so many things going on in this movie. Almost everything in this is quite subtle, so subtle that you might watch the whole thing and wonder when the murders happen. But once you understand the story---and tie it in to the actual case you'll suddenly realize how disturbing it truly is.

I recommend watching this only if you have a very thick skin. It's heavy. It's horrible. And at times, it's just too fucking real.

Silver Bullet: I Love You, The Peace Maker

2012-09-04T21:41:00.000-04:00

You know what I love about werewolf movies? They are essentially just whodunit murder mysteries with more blood and psychological undertones. And I love that. I also love saying whodunit because it's one word and it looks totally made up as a real word but it IS a real word.

I believe it has been.....a very long time since I've watched a werewolf movie. And I don't know why because every time I sit down and watch one after a hiatus of not watching them--I say to myself: "Why don't I watch more werewolf movies?" Why indeed.

I remember watching Silver Bullet a very long time ago. My Dad had been watching it on TV and was enthralled by the fact that the kid's wheelchair was motorized. So was I come to think of it. That thing is badass.

I remember the ending chase scene and dual feeling of excitement and terror. The same two feelings I get when running on the treadmill past 4.0 MPH.

Taking place in a small town probably in Maine, Silver Bullet also reminds me how much I love small town horror movies. Small towns are breeding grounds for the best characters you will ever find in a movie. Here are your crazy Ralph's, your old Church ladies, your racist and politically confused neighbors. Small towns rock. Plus they make us feel compassionate for just about everyone (minus the racist and politically confused neighbor) who dies---which is quite a feat for a horror movie when you think about it.

To put it simply, Silver Bullet is one of the best werewolf movies out there for several reasons. It'll charm the pants off you (I'm pretty sure it's the only horror movie to make me cry at the end). The artistic splaying of dead bodies is something to gawk at.

And the werewolf is one of the craftiest motherfuckers I've ever had the pleasure of watching. I know we're in an age now where we can't expect to be surprised by the modern developments of seemingly classic movie monsters, but seeing that werewolf climb up a terrace or beat someone up with the Peace Maker is kind of the best thing that ever happened to me.

Which reminds me. The Peace Maker (captial P, son!) is my new favorite thing. I'm totally going to carry that around from now on and break up fights with it. Of course one very important thing to remember about the Peacemaker.... good for breaking up fights in bars.

Not so good for killing werewolves.

BUT, good for werewolves to kill people with.

While I'm at it. Does anyone else feel funny when they see John Locke with hair?

Perhaps not as funny as you would feel when seeing "Father" from People Under the Stairs playing a different kind of Father.

Especially since the last time I saw him, he was wearing this.

Of course neither of those things even come close to the kind of funny you feel when you realize that Gary Busey is your Uncle.

Sorry, I'm all amped up and excited about werewolves which as we all know creates a feeling of total inhibition within me causing me to just blog my thoughts as they are directly pouring into my head. I better go now before I say something I regret.

PS: Rest in peace....the Peace Maker.

The world is a cruel, cruel place.

Piranha: It Wasn't Supposed To Be Like This

2012-09-03T21:28:00.002-04:00

I didn't plan on watching all of Piranha. I planned on taking a moment (perhaps 5 minutes) to laugh and ridicule the senselessness of the boobs and CGI piranhas. Maybe even setting aside an extra hour to giggle at bad acting and writing. Who knows? I was open to the vast possibilities of giggles. Then all of a sudden something weird happened. There I was rolling my eyes at a horribly CGI laden opening scene when I became pulled in by the sheer ridiculousness of everything. Boobs were everywhere, Elisabeth Shue was there, people's legs were being bitten off, topless parachuting happened---it was like having a fever induced dream after eating a gigantic plate of sandwiches and falling asleep to The Grind.

Remember the Grind?

Anyways. Fast forward to now when I just realized the credits were rolling. How was it possible that I watched the entire movie? It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to hate you! Is it possible there is some part of me that was entertained???? Alright fine you got me.

My name is Andre and I enjoyed Piranha.

So listen. While the film is stockpiled high with outrageous boobs and stupidity, it also is just a healthy dose of mindless fun. Although I don't know if it's entirely mindless really. There were a few moments of good old fashioned restraint. Well, restraint as in....a topless parachuter's half eaten body hung eerily motionless in the air and I got all inappropriately excited.

Not THAT kind of inappropriately excited....jeeez. I mean like it was beautifully done in a really tasteless, awesome way. Does that make sense? I didn't think so.

My point is that I give Piranha props for:

A. Being a movie that teenage boys can masturbate happily to.
B. Using CGI to fool people into thinking the gore would be lackluster
C. Making me extremely nervous around boat propellers
D. Elisabeth Shue

Sure, it also has a rather uncanny ability to make you feel creepy for watching it. Naked faux-lesbian moments underwater. Errant penis floating in the water. Jerry O'Connell being..... creepy. That uncomfortable moment when you realize you've just volunteered to be in a Girl's Gone Wild video. There's pretty much endless amounts of creepy. But it's all creepy and fun at the same time. Or if you're a weird pervert, then it's TITS CITY YEAH MAN.

Anyways. I couldn't help but notice that Piranha reminds me fondly of Tremors and...........huh? Sorry I just drifted off into I love Tremors land for a solid 20 minutes. I love that movie. But I also love that feeling of feeling trapped along with the main characters. Yeah so Piranha doesn't have that solid balance of horror and comedy (it's pretty much all comedy and boobs) (plus there's no Kevin Bacon) (AND EARL) but it's still a solid entry in the animals gone wild subgenre.

Honestly, I didn't think it would be my cup of tea but I was surprised that I did come away enjoying it. The gore and carnage is kind of extreme in some ways. I mean really---that beginning segment was like a giant ball of 'are you kidding me?'

It looked like a Sy-Fy original movie--you know the kind where the special effects guy lets his five year old take control? Wait, is there any other kind of Sy-Fy movie? Then all of sudden it was like BAM incredibly gross and realistic looking piranha bites. BAM I'm gonna pull your face off when your hair gets caught in a boat propeller. Barf. I don't recommend watching this while eating ribs.

Overall. I didn't hate it. Let's all rejoice! And now I'm going to watch Tremors.

High Tension: I'm Fairly Certain the Killer was Quint

2012-08-20T23:06:00.000-04:00

Well it only took me 3 years--but I finally watched High Tension the whole way through. Actually come to think of it, I don't think I've told anyone (Not even you GOD) what happened on that night so long ago when I put in the High Tension DVD for the first time. Gather round children, gather round.

Obviously when starting out in my horror movie watching career, I immediately became infatuated with French horror. I hit all the main stops...Martyrs, Inside, Frontiers, Them--and I was ready to round out the set by watching the infamous High Tension. I wasn't that pumped about it..mostly because I had mistakenly watched a Youtube review of it where the reviewer let spill the ending within the first minute or two of the review. Although I thought it an insanely overdone plot twist, I knew I could not ignore watching the film whether I wanted to or not.

Fast forward to one of those lonely and exciting nights of movie watching. Glass of milk, giant cupcake, cats, slipper socks you name it--I was ready to finally watch High Tension so people could stop bothering me about it. And then, a funny thing happened. I got to the part where Alexia's father's head pops off and I turned it off. Not because it was gory but because it annoyed me. Knowing the eventual turn of events made me incredibly sour and dubious of the movie's overall charm. What was the point I thought? And I didn't try again for 3 years.

Recently, I've been getting a few emails from readers who are kind enough to give me movie recommendations. Almost all of them suggest High Tension and every single time someone does I get all guilty in that "What movie? Oh...yeah I LOVE that movie.....that everyone totally loves a lot but I haven't seen" kind of way. I felt like I had seen it because I knew the route things were going so in my mind I pretended that I had seen it and just never talked about it.

I'm not sure what happened to me between then and now but tonight when I finally sat and watched the movie the whole way through--I became extremely intrigued. Instead of being bothered by the eventual ending I became interested in how we got to that ending. I wanted to delve into the why instead of the how the fuck is that possible? And it totally worked.

I'm going to start spouting off stuff about the ending, so unless you want things ruined you can leave now!

People's number one complaint about High Tension is that it doesn't make sense. How on earth can Marie be driving an old rape truck and a flashy sports car at the same time? How can she hit herself in the face with a spiky mallet thing? Why does she never die?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again---as movie watchers we need to be worrying a lot less about the how and more about the why. Why did the filmmaker choose to present the story in this fashion? What purpose does this method of storytelling serve? Okay, I feel like a college professor now but whatever. I'm serious. Turn off the logic button and just think about the bigger picture.

The old rapey guy in the rape truck who strongly resembles Quint is not Marie--but a manifestation of her sexual frustrations and anger. He symbolizes that part of her she so greatly detests. The part of her that thrives on emotions and gets angry at the world because the girl of her dreams is not a lesbian. He also symbolizes a terrorist because he kills a dog for no reason. Oh and a child...I guess.

Just stop taking things so literally audience. Jeez. Yes, the film is great also in that gooey blood and gore way but I think the main drive behind it at least for me, is this more psychological aspect. Has Marie always been a nut job? What is it about Alexia's family that suddenly pushes her over the edge? All these questions and more will visit my head tonight as I drift off into dream world. A magical land where Morgan Freeman buys me sandwiches and narrates my life to make it sound like I have a purpose other than eating sandwiches.

I'm not crazy about the other aspects of the story...it's kind of redundant. Even though it's only an hour and a half long it kind of feels like two hours. There's a lot of hiding and stupid decisions happening. It's not my favorite French film obviously but it does get a lot of points for making me think.

And also now I can join people in actual conversations and say things that are smart and maybe even right. I am also wondering....if it benefits one to know the ending before watching it? Hmmm no.... no I think definitely not. Perhaps it's best to watch it blind the first time--do some jumping jacks to get out the anger and frustration and then watch it again knowing the ending. I think you'll come away with some interesting conclusions and diagnoses on your own. Plus, the killer is totally Quint. Who's kidding who here?

Adding to My DVD Collection: Psycho

2012-08-19T14:44:00.001-04:00

When I first began this project or goal of adding to my measly DVD collection, I knew that a secondary goal would be to add to my Alfred Hitchcock collection. A collection that I only started adding to recently when I found out my sister hadn't seen a few Hitchcock staples. The first official Hitchcock purchase during my new goal of course had to be the Hitchcock film that meant the most to me--Psycho.

My love affair with Hitchcock began when I was in the 2nd grade, on a trip to Universal Studios during school vacation week. Obviously Universal Studios presented several rides of sheer terror that I knew to avoid *cough* JAWS., but it also excited me in its movie history nature. The most notable being when my parents took us to the Alfred Hitchcock experience or whatever it was called---a kind of display of the intrigue of Hitchock and most importantly the most groundbreaking Hitchcock film of all: Psycho.

I had never heard much about Psycho prior to 2nd grade. The "ride" highlighted the shower scene, and re-enacted it in live performance form (the Janet Leigh character donning a nude body suit and horrible blonde wig). I was terrified and intrigued all at the same time. Therefore it was much to my excitement that my parents suggested we rent Psycho upon returning to the hotel. The film was like nothing I had ever seen before. Black and white, violence, cross dressing sociopaths, dead bodies in fruit cellars. I didn't realize the extent of my excitement until I had to take a shower the next day. It took me probably double the amount of time it usually would because I couldn't stop looking out from the curtain to make sure a man wearing a wig wasn't coming at me with a giant knife. And also I was 98% positive that my older sisters were going to play a mean joke on me.

From that moment on--I was hooked. I immediately began acquiring a fascination for all things Hitchcock. I rented just about every Hitchcock movie from my public library that summer and absorbed myself in the fabulous Hitchcock book my parents bought me for Christmas that year.

So naturally, when wanting to add to my Hitchcock collection, Psycho was the film that I had to have immediately. It means so much to me as both a horror fan and young lover of movies. I would frame it if I could, like one of those infuriating toy collectors who keeps all the good stuff locked away from prying hands. I won't of course--because I need to watch it at least once a month, so I can stay captivated and intrigued for the rest of my life.

Adding to My DVD Collection: Martyrs

2012-08-11T18:36:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you need to take a 3 year break before you watch a movie for the 2^nd time. Martyrs is one of those films. My new goal that involved growing my DVD collection back again took its start about a month ago when I purchased Martyrs.

Martyrs is probably the film that has affected me the most since I first watched it back in 2009. Therefore, it made perfect sense that I would choose it to be the first new film to add to my horror collection. As it so happens, although I watched it only once in 2009---the film not only shot to the top of my most disturbing movies list, it also crept into my top 3 horror films of all time list.

The experience of re-watching the film was a journey in and of itself. I was terribly excited to finally re-watch it, but there was also a part of me that dreaded the 2^nd watch. The film if you don’t know, is extremely heavy. Filled to the brim with explosive ideas about life, religion, morality and pain—the film is almost like an entire lifetime of agony summed up in an hour and 40 minutes. It’s one of the most tiring movie watching experiences you’ll ever go through.

Yes it’s gory, and hard to stomach at times. But it’s also beautiful in its own grotesque way, sad, hopeful and insane.

It takes twists and turns down extremely windy and dangerous roads. You’ll never anticipate where the film is going and you’ll be surprised, intrigued and perplexed by the time the credits roll. You could spend a whole year going over the film and unraveling the possibilities but I doubt you’ll ever come to a conclusion that you’ll be happy with.

There’s so many ways to interpret the film—especially the ending. People have been discussing and arguing about it ever since the film premiered. I even fight with myself about the ending on a daily basis. There I’ll be in my shower lathering up my hair and actually trying to defend both sides of the coin. It’s so frustrating! Now after my 2^nd watching I am more lost than ever. I went into it with a very clear idea of what I thought and now I come out of it with shaken view points on the afterlife.

God damnit Martyrs. You’re so damn complex. Suffice to say—I am 100% pleased that I made this my first movie purchase. I may just watch it again in another 3 years and then cry a little thanks to the probably new set of questions and concerns I’ll have.

Plus, I still haven’t given up on making my Halloween costume be Lucie with a shotgun.

What’s not to love? It’s warm, casual and I get to play with fake blood. Hooray!

YEAH RUSSIA

2012-08-06T14:16:00.003-04:00

Today something really, really exciting happened. So exciting, that I almost peed my pants---on an elliptical machine. Today two of my greatest loves of all time, combined to make one gigantic bomb of awesome. The Olympics and Suspiria. Probably it was the 2nd most excited that I've been on a treadmill. Okay, I can tell you really want to know why I was so excited so here it is.

Today was the synchronized swimming duet, free routine day. Whilst working out, those meanie and poor sport Russians got up to do their routine. I say meanie and poor sports because when they lost the gold medal during the team gymnastics event, they cried like a bunch of babies.And also there was a lot of this from stinky face McGee.

Therefore---Russia and I were not friends.

Just when I started making Russia stinks faces, their music kicked on and I gasped out loud. The Russians were actually doing a synchronized swim routine to Goblin's music from SUSPIRIA.

Okay, so their routine made it seem like they were these weird cheery dolls yeah yeah, still. SUSPIRIA. AT THE OLYMPICS. I could hardly contain my excitement. I even had to cut my work out short so I could write about it.

Here is a shaky cam representation of it

I'm obsessed!

I guess this means Russia and I can be friends after all.

New Goal

2012-07-10T10:47:00.000-04:00

Stop smoking crack.

Just kidding! My new goal is to start building up my collection of DVDs again. Back in the yester years of college life, I became obsessed with the thrill of obtaining small amounts of money for things that I paid a large amount of money to obtain. According to my broke college ass this was a WIN. However now on days that I feel lonely, sad and craving the desire to watch both Kill Bills.........this is a loss. Plus also what did I end up spending all that money on? Tostitos Cheesy Queso dip and beer? Mmm that sounds good...

Anyways.

I often sit here and mock those people who have DVD collections as big as a library (a library's book collection that is!). But secretly I am envious. Maybe not entirely envious of the people who choose to own every horror movie known to mankind...even the bad ones but I am very jealous of the fact that they have a collection of movies at their fingertips.

That is why I have made a new promise to myself to buy one movie that I view as insanely important in my movie watching career during every single pay period. Don't fret electric company, Comcast and probably fake real estate company run by drug addicts---I will be purchasing these movies at affordable prices. Before you know it, my horror collection will be a stunning salute to those things I hold near and dear to my heart.

And in the spirit of lazy blogging, I have also decided to write a bit on each movie I purchase and why I deemed it appropriate to add to my collection. Today we'll start with those movies I already have at my disposable. These are movies I have deemed way too important to sell for piteous amounts of money and it is this group of films that will be forming the foundation for my new movie collection. So let's introduce them.

I have been unsuccessfully trying to get my sister to watch this movie for the past 3 years. Even though I own it, I have still been unsuccessful. Why won't she listen to me when I wax poetic about how important it is to my LIFE?!

It's very possible that each month I will also buy a Hitchhock movie to compliment my movie collection. These are currently the only three I own---time to make ol' Hitchy proud and build this row up!

I haven't yet written about how much I love Black Swan or what it means to me as an almost exclusively visual horror movie viewer (whatever that means I just made it up right now. I think it means I like pretty things). However, someday I will write about it and it will be glorious.

Believe it or not, Suspiria only recently became a part of my movie collection. Although I did try to add it a few years ago and was appalled to find that the BRAND NEW copy I purchased had a weird piece of plastic embedded in the lens which made it unwatchable. I like to think this was God just telling me to suck it up and wait for this awesome edition to enter my hands because it comes with cool postcards and stuff.

Return of the Living Dead was given to me by my horror buddy Chris Hallock of All Things Horror, who had another copy of it for himself and knows the importance of helping out those horror fans with less impressive DVD collections. Bless you buddy!

Phantom of the Paradise is another movie sent to me via The Mike of From Midnight, With Love. How did I get to have such awesome horror friends? I love this movie and I'm so glad The Mike introduced me to its magical ways, otherwise I would be a very sad person not knowing that somewhere... this existed.

Hmmm I guess that's it. Dang my collection is more pitiful than I thought! Well then, stay tuned for some bi-weekly updates on what has recently joined my collection! Hooray!

Vacuum Horror

2012-06-27T10:00:00.000-04:00

I bought a Vacuum last week. Uneventful life event you say? A lot you know. I'll have you know that for as long as I've been a "real" person, I've never owned a vacuum. To be fair, there is only one and a half rugs in my house. Well I guess 2 rugs if you count the rug that is positioned right in front of the front door. I do not count this rug however because the only useful purpose this rug serves is that it camouflages my cat's throw up. Why does she only choose to ralph on that rug and not the others? The world is a strange place.

ANYWAYS. I went to Target last week and hauled a vacuum into my shopping cart. I felt proud and big. You know, like a real person. My sister and I were eager to vacuum away the 4 or so years of cat hair, dust and cat puke however.....when we got it going we quickly realized that the vacuum totally sucked. Or rather I should say it totally didn't suck.

Instead, it decided to just regurgitate all the hair and dust out. Thinking we may have set it up wrong somehow, I decided to take it apart today and examine it. I found nothing wrong with it and proceeded to uselessly vacuum the rug today. See? This is why I refuse to become a real person...it just never works out in the end. One day you're all high and mighty because you finally bought a vacuum and the next you're knee deep in dust.

Yeah so I thought I'd just let you all know that vacuums are the worst. As evidenced by this scene from Dream Home. You're welcome.

Oh and also, I discovered that you can watch the entirety of Mr. Boogedy on youtube. You're welcome again.

And Then There Was This

2012-06-23T22:26:00.000-04:00

Don't you love it when entire movies can be summed up in their opening moments? Or how about when opening moments are miniaturized versions of the entire film you are about to see? Wait, is that the same thing? Regardless, Lars Von Trier's, Melancholia kind of makes me want to die a little. But in a good way.

These opening vignettes, these eerie painting-like pictures that move minuscule amounts and that are set against a backdrop of a soul crushing symphony---are quite possibly the best things I've seen in a while. The movie is good too, but these opening moments.....these are what keep me up at night.

I think sometimes that the beauty of sadness is one of the most taboo subjects out there. People hate sad. Worse--people really hate watching entire movies that are made up of overwhelming levels of sadness. Still worse---people hate to see beautiful actresses looking sad and ugly. Sadness IS ugly they think. No. No it's not---it's beautiful. And here is our proof.

One day you'll watch Melancholia and finally get what it is that makes it so unbearable and yet so captivating at the same time. Perhaps you won't know until you too have experienced great loss, have been depressed or fallen to that unreachable place below the depths of despair. Yikes this is getting melodramatic. I don't mean to be. I simply mean that Melancholia speaks to a very simple idea of the inability humans have to relate to one-another---unless they have been through the same.

This is a simple concept when you think about it. One that is clearly echoed throughout the movie and even right now as I'm talking to you-- because if you haven't seen Melancholia, then you have no earthly idea what I'm talking about. But one day you will. You just will.

Dear Sleepaway Camp II: Yes, I Still Have Feelings

2012-06-11T20:31:00.001-04:00

Back in the yesteryears of my life, when I was young, scared of everything and wore high heeled jelly shoes, I stumbled across Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers. It was late night style--possibly a school night where I had stayed up too late chatting in various "chatrooms". While channel surfing and trying my best to avoid shows like HBO's "Real Sex, I came across Sleepaway Camp II and was horrified. This was obviously why I had never attended summer camp or had the burning urge to ever go. Girls walked around flashing their boobs at everyone. NAKED PEOPLE AHHHH! And also...there was blood and a crazy camp counselor who took pure joy and thrill out of killing teenagers. Clearly, I was scarred for life.

As it turns out, Sleepaway Camp II would go on to become one of my very favorite guilty pleasures. What is it about these movies that keep me coming back for more? Is it because I can't help laughing at the ridiculousness and improbability of teenage girls having giant boobs and flashing them around for everyone to see?

Or is it because there just might be something seedy and creepy about the movie that makes me want to both die and rejoice to the high heavens at the same time?

I suppose it's a combination of both. Although not an Oscar winner on any planet (except planet awesome), Sleepaway Camp II does manage to keep me much more entertained and gleeful than Friday the 13th. Oh back off Friday the 13th groupies! I explained my reasons so you can just take it easy alright? I just have fun watching these. They're kind of icky---but a good icky. If that exists.....and let me tell you--it does now! Angela's methods of dispatching the teenagers are so unusually brutal that you can't help but wonder---was being forced to be a girl really that awful? Also, why does no one ever question the sound of chainsaws in the woods at night, or roaring fires a blazing in broad daylight?

At any rate, if there's one thing that always stuck with me from that first ever viewing of Sleepaway Camp II--- it was the outhouse massacre. Those who are privy to the delights and wonders of the film obviously know what I'm talking about but for those that don't--let's recap!

Angela is a crazy psychopath camp counselor who systematically kills all of her campers for being "bad" in one way or another. Ally---big boobs McGee gets caught having sex in various places which doesn't fly with Angela which of course prompts her to dispatch Ally. After writing Ally a fake note composed by camp hottie Sean--Angela proceeds to berate Ally for being a raging slut. She then shoves Ally into an outhouse and forces her head down to look at the shit and piss---because obviously Ally is shit and piss.

THEN she shoves Ally all the way down the outhouse into the hole and drowns her in the shit and piss by holding her head down with a giant stick. Plus also there is a surprise cameo by some poop leeches.

It just might be the most horrifying and gross thing I've ever seen.

Aside from that little ditty--the movie is also just insanely entertaining. It's so crappy but good crappy you know? Plus it features one of my favorite things ever---the revealing of all the dead bodies where nobody looks even close to what they used to look like. In fact they look like crappy mannequins.....oh wait. Actually, I take that back--these are definitely real people because if you look closely, the poop leech double's tongue moves. So good work, stand in dead bodies!

Yeah. Sleepaway Camp II I still have feelings for you. It's comforting to know that after all these years, the spark is still there. Keep being pervy Sleepaway Camp II. Keep it right on coming.

We Need To Talk About We Need To Talk About Kevin

2012-06-07T21:14:00.000-04:00

If you want to talk about disturbing books or movies, then We Need to Talk About Kevin is your bitch.
For serious. This is a terrifying and utterly disturbing double bill of horror and despair. But not in that, holy shit blood and guts, having sex with a baby way. More like...holy shit my son might one day grow up and have sex with a baby kind of way.

Now that we've got crass out of the way, let's start at the beginning.

I've been wanting to see We Need to Talk About Kevin for the better part of its inception. Tilda Swinton won acclaim as per usual in her whole as Eva Khatchadourian, the mother to sociopath Kevin. The story intrigued me as possibly the answer to that age old question of, "but what about the parents." What about them? Is it really a parent's fault if a child is a psychopath from the minute he exits the womb?

Before I saw the film however, I decided it was my civic duty to read the novel by Lionel Shriver first. For anyone on the fence about the movie (if there is someone out there on the fence about it) then I highly suggest you read this. The book completely sucked me in and had me in total shock and despair for the better part of the week that it took me to read this.

I suppose the entire book is like a bad car accident you can't look away from. While the movie did its fair share in painting Kevin as the villain--I sometimes felt like he didn't seem all that bad. The book however is the complete opposite. Kevin Khatchadourian is the anti-christ.

Even as a infant, the way he is described with his black lifeless eyes, how he pulls hair not out of curiosity but out of pure hatred just chills me to the bone. His evil shenanigans are amped to 9,000 degrees of scary. Like, tying his sister up and feeding her gross concoctions of food until she pukes, or dousing his sister's eye with liquid plumber resulting in her having to wear a glass eye for the rest of her life.

Perhaps most infuriating and terrifying however is how clueless Eva's husband is. It's the kind of anger that truly and honestly gets your blood boiling. Really though, what is scarier than having your son be a sociopath and having your husband not believe you?

I often bitch and moan about how it's been awhile since I've been truly shook to the core while watching a horror movie. While perhaps not a direct horror movie, We Need To Talk About Kevin both in film and novel version is still one of the most terrifying things I've voluntarily subjected myself to. I mean really, what was I thinking immediately watching this so soon after finishing one of the most heart wrenching novels I've ever read? Is that same morbid curiosity that drives us to peer into the eyes and brains of serial killers? That same grotesque longing to see actual carnage during a wreckage? And then the inevitable....I've seen too much now I'm going to faint side effect? Yes. Yes and Yes.

To top it all off, We Need To Talk About Kevin employs one of my favorite movie techniques of all time. RED. And it uses it in a way that is incredibly genius. The amount of actual blood in the film is actually quite low. Instead, our eyes are ravaged by this constant presence of the color red.

And not just you know.. red...but... RED! This is full on, Suspiria style, paint red, RED. The red, the color red in this is so violent that it practically makes you think you're watching the most violent film known to mankind. And you are in a way. Because the violence in We Need To Talk About Kevin isn't necessarily up in your face. It's more like it's inside of you, taking hold of your heart and soul and ripping it out of your mouth. This is not a joke and it's not used to entertain. This my friends----is the terrifying horror of reality.

The Caller: Phone Terror Returns

2012-05-28T15:56:00.000-04:00

You may not know this about me, but I used to have a very, very strong phobia. No, not a phobia about sharks. Or clowns. Or....old ladies. Or spiders. OK OK I know I have a lot of phobias. I'm scared of several things, it's what makes me stronger.. anyways no this is a phobia that I don't believe I've ever talked about before.

I used to be very afraid of the phone. Dun dun dun! It's true. I used to completely shut down when I needed to make a phone call. I'm better now although there's still a small part of me that clams up when I hear that ring back tone. The anticipation, the not knowing what to say. Why was I so afraid of it? Probably because I had a strange feeling that someday, a crazy old lady from the 60s was going to be calling me and completely screwing up my life. Lucky for me, The Caller is exactly about my deepest and darkest fear.

I was dubious about The Caller when I received a press release email from such and such PR Company. It was one of those, "Hi Andre, hope you're doing well! Here's something I think you might be interested in!" Because you know...Jancy Willingham or whatever her name is totally knows me. But that's not why I was dubious. I was dubious because the plot sounded very predictable. A woman receives strange phone calls, yadda yadda yadda her psyche slowly begins unraveling until she discovers a startling truth.
I mean if that doesn't spell out..."She's calling herself from the future" or "She's dead!" then I don't know what does.

As it so happens, that is not the case with The Caller. As I alluded to earlier, this crazy woman caller is actually calling from circa 1960 and with every phone conversation our heroine Mary has with this crazy lady, we realize that the present as Mary knows it, slowly starts to change. Think of it as a completely nightmarish version of Back to the Future that isn't funny. Not that realizing your mother married Biff Tannen isn't a nightmare but you get the picture.

In a complete twist of events, I actually came away quite enjoying The Caller. It was surprisingly griping and creepy--not to mention that it showcases one of the creepiest things ever...lurking old women.

Like Insidious, The Caller uses one of the all time creepiest techniques which is bringing out the old family photos and realizing that such and such scary old woman has been stalking you your entire life. Stuff like that is unbelievably terrifying for some reason. I think it's because that moment in their life has already happened. It's that feeling of realizing how close you had come to terror without even knowing it. Plus old ladies are really terrifying sometimes.

I suppose I would classify The Caller as one of those slow burn type of movies. It's not like there's this constant threat of terror all up in your face but there is a growing sense of dread which I oftentimes find much more terrifying. I also LOVE stuff about time travel, alternate realities etc. And The Caller is all about that. Sure, it may hurt your head at times but it's just enough to really keep you invested and curious as to what the outcome may be.

If there's one major gripe I have it's the very ending. There's not some bullshit twist or anything like that so don't worry. And I suppose I can't really talk about it without completely ruining the movie. So hmmmmmmmmmmm ok we'll do a SPOILER ALERT. LOOK AWAY NOW.

Throughout the whole movie there is the threat of both the crazy lady, and Mary's abusive ex-husband. Once the climax happens and Mary as a small child kills the crazy lady you would think there would be some huge life changing revelation. Like in Back to the Future where George finally stands up to Biff which completely changes his life for the better. I figured that once the crazy lady was dead, Mary's ex-husband would disappear. I figured that because she conquered such a demon early on in life, she would be strong enough and smart enough not to even get involved with a psycho wife beater. Apparently that is not the case though, and Mary's husband comes back at the end just to knock her around a bit. That just bothered me! She killed an old lady with a piece of glass when she was little. Can't we give her and our audience some piece of mind that says--yes ladies, things are better? Mary's life is better now?! I guess not.

OK SPOILER OVER.

Yes, there are some things that don't altogether make sense when you really dissect them. But I think for the most part I am able to glance past those and able to enjoy the movie as a whole. It's a solid entry in unpleasantness and creeping dread. A solid entry in creepy old ladies. And a super solid entry in phone terror.
Check it out if you're into those kinds of things, I think you may be pleasantly surprised.

Yeah, I Watched Drive.

2012-05-22T21:29:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I watched Drive. Finally. If I waited any longer the fanboys and girls would have yelled things at me. Things like: WHY HAVEN'T YOU WATCHED DRIVE IT'S THE BEST MOVIE EVER OH MY GOD SO GOOD. In all caps because their pants would probably have been on fire.

Seriously though. This movie is big. People are obsessed with it and want to have its baby. Or Ryan Gosling's..I'm still not sure which. Anyways. I watched it. And I was just kind of like yeah okay. He's quiet. There are weird 80s-like montages. He drives a little. (Really it's not that much driving okay?) There's blood. Stab stab. The end. I don't know, I'm confused maybe I should watch it again?

1 hour and 40 minutes later

Yeah, so I watched Drive. Again. It's pretty good you guys. Although it's also not at all what I expected. I expected big flashes of awesome all up in my face....and..... I don't know....zestiness....? I'm not sure what I expected actually, but it definitely wasn't this.

The hype-monster can be a very dangerous beast. In fact, it's probably the main reason I didn't necessarily love this movie. Yes, it's good. There are several really, really, good things about it. But I expected so much more out of it--and that's the problem with the hype-monster. It does mean things to you. It becomes in essence a critique of the film even though it has nothing to do with it. It's not the movie's fault that a lot of people talked about how it was the 2nd coming of Christ. And yet---people say it was good--BUT then they say... 'I expected it to be better because a lot of people's pants were on fire.'

See? That stinks. If I saw this blindly, without any serious hype attached to it, then I would have been like wow, that was pretty damn good. And right okay, I am still saying that but I'm also saying, 'is that all you got?'

I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say here because I did enjoy this. It kind of sneaks up on you in a way you certainly don't expect. Ryan Gosling's character is this gigantic enigma that fills you with frustration and intrigue and sadness and fear all at the same time. WHO IS HE?!

We'll never know. And you want to know but at the same time--you don't want to know. That is pretty neat. It's like never knowing what is beyond the closet in Poltergeist. You want to know so badly but you know that it's probably best if you don't know.

Drive is like that in its entirety. There's this whole underlying secret tucked away somewhere but we're really never let in on it are we? Yes, it is awesome but we'll never know really how awesome it is. Interesting. I'm interested. And now I will continue to ponder this while I pet my cat and eat raspberries.

Jealous?

You should be.

The Woman in Black: Cat Approved

2012-05-17T14:00:00.002-04:00

Last night I made chicken wings and decided that it was high time for a me to watch a horror movie that made me actually want to watch more horror movies. So Monkey and I got cozy, turned off the lights and paid $15 bucks to watch The Woman in Black. Why pay $15 bucks you ask? Why not? Yes, I suppose I could have waited until the Amazon video rental was available on May 22nd, but that was like.... a week away. Who knows what could happen between then and now?

I've always wanted to watch the original Woman in Black, as I've heard countless stories about how creepy and atmospheric it is.

Unfortunately the original Woman in Black is banished to only people with VHS players can watch it land and so I had to live vicariously through other people's experiences.

That all changed when it was announced that they would be remaking the Woman in Black and that Harry Potter would be taking the main role. Remakes for many are a sore subject. I get it, I really do. But in some instances---especially this one they can oftentimes be extremely beneficial. Movies that didn't get fairly treated their first time out, movies that are in no man's land as far as availability go, movies with great stories but maybe not so great execution--those are candidates for remakes that I can get behind. Which is why, I was all for a remake of The Woman in Black. Plus also I might have a crush on Daniel Radcliffe.

The Woman in Black follows Arthur Kipps, a solicitor who is given the task of handling the estate of a deceased woman named Alice Drablow. Upon arriving in the creepy town, Arthur finds Alice's estate to be in a secluded and scary island marsh. Once there, he starts uncovering some truly creepy and unnerving things about both Alice, her sister, and the town itself.

Let me just begin by saying that... god damn this is pretty scary. Right so I'm a scaredy-cat whatever and yes there are plenty of jumps and unfair scares like that but if you look past all that, you should eventually realize that this movie is straight up creepy period. A woman in black who just stands and watches people? Creepy. Children who for no explicable reason decide to kill themselves? Creepy. Children with red hair? Creepy.

I just can't get over how unnerving that damn woman in black was! Especially the scene where Arthur is outside the manor then looks up at the window and sees her in the window!

Fuck that shit man. There were several moments during this where I almost opted for the hands over the eyes method of keeping my cool. However, I switched at the last minute to the petting my cat method instead in favor of preserving my dignity. Needless to say--Monkey was also very scared and welcomed this decision.

This movie has about every single horror convention that drives me up the wall in terms of losing my cool. Characters looking at a creepy figure in the distance. Check. Suddenly inserting said creepy figure now behind our character. Check. Scary dolls that have no place being in a child's room. Check. Rocking chairs that rock by themselves. Check. Hanging people. Check. God damn it Woman in Black, you really spooked me. Also big props to Arthur Kipps for keeping HIS cool. If that was me I would be dead of fright in about .2 seconds.

Sure, there are a few things here in there that rub me the wrong way. For one--I still can't get used to the idea of Daniel Radcliffe being a believable father figure. The dreaded epilogue of Harry Potter pretty much was laugh out loud hilarious in terms of un-believability. This is a little better although by not much.

Right, people got married young and had kids young back then. But I don't know...there's just something about Harry Potter being a dad that makes me giggle.Maybe it's because I would rather him being in a movie about having sex with me. Too much information? I apologize... blame it on the chicken wings.

The film also is a bit slow in the beginning but again, the atmosphere is so nice that I really didn't mind this all too much.

What I really, REALLY enjoyed however was that the appeal of the ghost story never waivers. I kept waiting for that point in the movie where the ghost stops being scary and we realize that they are our friend. Well guess what? Woman in black ain't our friend man, nor will she ever be because she is one scary bitch.

I love that about this movie. I love how there isn't some crazy, ill-conceived plot twist or an AHA GOTCHA moment at the film's conclusion. Just straight up creepiness and god damn, squeeze your cat, moments of surprise.

This one comes highly recommended from me folks. So get ready to rent it on Amazon May 22nd and be excited about it. Although I do not recommend watching it in the dark when you have a menacing looking towel hanging on your door. Your cat may get scared. ....Especially if by chance your cat is not wearing their glasses. Terrible, terrible idea.

Where in the World?

2012-05-11T19:21:00.000-04:00

Okay, okay I know. I can only use that "I'm lazy and addicted to the X-files" excuse only so many times. The fact is I'm just really in a slump. And also I've been doing things. Sort of. Mostly it's just a blur. I sleep, wake up, go to work, go home, get annoyed by some crazy bag lady wearing loud clunky wooden platforms who refuses to hold onto something on the train so she just keeps falling and clumping around all over the place, eat dinner, sleep. Rinse. Repeat. Seriously that lady was the worst. JUST HOLD ON TO SOMETHING.

Anyways, since I clearly have no time to do things like watch movies, I obviously don't have a ton to blog about. Which is sad because this blog is about watching movies. It was hard to say: was I not blogging because I didn't want to? Or was I not blogging because I didn't have time? A mix of both I suppose. Although I can't deny that I didn't start having all these crazy ideas about starting a new blog that's just about everything where everyone can be happy and drink wine and kiss cats and stuff. Pipe dream I guess. Or is it?!

I'm hoping that I'll get back into the swing of things but before we jump right into normalcy, I thought I'd give you a quick and awesome rundown of really where in the world I have been. Mostly this is to prove to myself that I didn't just waste an entire month of my life sleeping and eating.

1. The X-FILES

As you know I've become slightly addicted to the X-files. I'm somewhere in season 4 so things are getting confusing. Like all of a sudden Mulder doesn't believe in shit and Scully does? It's crazy man. My obsession led me to start writing a post about all the fantastic horror movies references and inspirations behind a few of the episodes. So far I only wrote down one, although I have a list about 10 episodes long. Oh well, accomplishing tasks is overrated anyways. Maybe someday if I'm lucky I'll start that one again.

Also look at this awesome new poster I bought for my cube at work.

I'm fairly certain that the 80% of people that pass by who do not watch the X-files think I'm some loony who has a boner for aliens. Mission accomplished.

2. Books

Remember when I rediscovered books after 2 straight of years of crazy, incessant movie watching? Well now let's just say that it is time for me now to rediscover movies. Books are my life and obviously my Kindle and I are still a fantastic couple. The most notable book as of late?

Seriously, I've gone on record maybe one too many times about how I don't love Stephen King as a writer (GASP I know) (I might as well just say I don't like the Evil Dead II.... oh wait). But whatever I think it's true. Amazing storyteller yes. Amazing writer? Eh. I guess... if you like that whole 1,000 million characters, raging boner for Maine, who needs an editor? type deal. This book though... this book is really, really quite brilliant.

I'm serious. If you have not read this pick it up right now. It's huge, but it's worth it, and it goes by incredibly fast. It's gripping, sad, romantic, creepy and even has cameos from your favorite characters in IT. Do it. seriously read this right now.

3. FLORIDA

I took a vacation! I think it had been about 3 years since my last full blown vacation--and no my "stay-cation" last year didn't count. Last week, Emmy Doomas and I hopped on a plane to Pompano Beach, Florida and basked in the sun. Or that's what I told the voice inside my head while it was raining for 4 days straight.

But you know what? It did eventually get sunny and I got a little sunned. Emphasis on little. It was extremely relaxing and also a little bit creepy. Can any of you Floridians tell me why there is such a thing as a drive thru adult book store?

I'm still confused about it.

4. Sneakers

Do you know what one of the best movies of all time is? Sneakers.

Not only does it have an extremely star studded and crazy cast (Robert Redford, Sidney Poitier, Ben Kingsley, Dan Aykroyd, James Earl Jones, River Phoenix, David Strathairn) but it's just plain awesome. I can't stand how good this movie is. And no, it's not a horror movie okay? I took a break and watched other movies for a change alright?

God damn this movie makes me want to quit my job and pretend to rob banks and large corporations run by Ben Kingsley. It's one of those movies where no matter how many times you watch it (and I can attest to that as I've seen it about 103 times) you will always figure something new out. You'll always be excited even though you know what's going to happen. And you'll always be giddy when they reveal something neat using Scrabble letters.

Seriously I cannot wait till something cryptic happens in my life and then I have to take out Scrabble pieces to figure it out.

It's going to be the most magical moment ever.

5. The Celebrity Apprentice

I'd like to pretend that I didn't just write that but I can't. This show is my crack. I had never even watched it until this season but man is this shit entertaining or what? Who would have known how frickin annoying Lou Ferrigno could be?

I swear I can hear him say how he gives a "110% percent" in my nightmares. Every. Single. Night.

P.S. What the eff, "The fake" The Donald? You fire Lisa Lampanelli for crying too much and being too emotional in the board room? I'll have you know that some of the most manliest and tough men in the world cry and don't care...for instance...

Yeah so take that okay?

Well....I guess that was all I really did. I guess I did really waste my life after all. Oh well. Life is too short to..... do things...........

I promise that soon I'll watch a movie and then talk about it.

The Skulls: OR the Most Obvious Secret Society in the World

2012-04-14T15:21:00.010-04:00

Before I grew up and became a real person, I had a pretty impressive list of fake boyfriends. There was Zack Morris

...Zack the black power ranger

...Will Smith...

Marky Mark....

JC Chasez

(we got engaged! But then....I became a real person)

What can I say? As a highly successful 11 year old it was pretty obvious that I had a thing for hot black men. And also...I may have been a little crazy.

Of course I am leaving out one of my favorite fake boyfriends of all...Joshua Jackson. Let me tell you an amazing story. Whilst hoarding YM and Teen People magazines, I stumbled upon a highly provocative Got Milk? ad featuring Joshua Jackson.

I promptly tore it out and taped it to my ceiling right above my bed. It was then I realized that having one tantalizing Got Milk? ad was not enough. Oh no, I needed oh about 10 of them all taped on the ceiling so that I could look at the same exact picture all that I wanted to. I can picture it now.....

Oh yes I was a true artiste.

So a few days ago when I noticed The Skulls was streaming on Netflix, I figured it was finally time to face my demons. I had learned to stay far away from movies targeted towards older teenagers that featured Joshua Jackson. Seeing him as a slutty and mean gay man in Cruel Intentions obviously was the cause of this extra precaution

and The Skulls of all things looked...well...scary.

As it turns out, The Skulls is just a big joke and lesson in how not to run a secret society.

I'll be up front with you all. I didn't finish this movie but it doesn't matter because we're not here to write a review about the Skulls. The review is: The Skulls stink. What I will be talking about however is the simple fact that The Skulls is the most obvious and non secretive "secret" society on the block.

Seriously. For a secret society that boasts about being extremely mum about all aspects of its....society, it sure doesn't do a very good job of covering things up.

For starters, all the secret societies on this mystery Ivy school campus have very extravagant headquarters. Headquarters that look like old Gothic castles and creepy mansions.

I thought one of the main points of a secret society was that no one really knew about them. Or maybe they do know about them but they don't really have any evidence to support it. Not in The Skulls though. Nope, the Skulls might as well have a giant sign in front of their castle that says: WELCOME TO THE SUPER SECRET MEETING PLACE OF THE SKULLS. THE MOST SECRETIVE SOCIETY IN THE WORLD. PLEASE, DO NOT COME IN BECAUSE IT'S A SECRET.

On top of the that, the movie claims that the identity of The Skulls is even more secret than what the Skulls actually do. Which would make sense if the Skulls didn't completely flaunt their membership all over the block.

Well okay I guess maybe I'm overreacting.

I mean who really would notice that a bunch of guys on campus suddenly all had to wear expensive watches, to cover up their new Skull burns?

Who would ever notice a bunch of guys all hanging out together wearing the same watch in the same place?

And who of course would dare to question the strangeness of a bunch of guys suddenly riding around in really expensive and flashy cars?

No one I guess.

Oh wait only everybody on the planet.

It's like the "secret" of Bruce Wayne being Batman. Because it's pretty obvious that no one would ever guess that the only billionaire in town could possibly be the only billionaire superhero in town. Movies really do not give the public a very good image. We aren't stupid you know. If I lived in Gotham City and one day the Billionaire hottie Bruce Wayne took in an orphaned circus performer and then the next day Batman had a sidekick that wore an outfit similar to that of a circus performer...I would obviously figure it out and then write blogs about it so that other people knew how I smart I was. Jeesh.

The Horror....The Horror......

2012-03-31T22:21:00.009-04:00

It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror... Horror has a face... and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared.

There are a lot of things that don't really make sense in my life. Like..... snow, and meatless chicken nuggets, the lightbulb inside of a refrigerator, and people who don't read books. These things are quite possibly trivial to you but they keep me up at night, laughing in my ear and taunting me with their devilish confusion. Today however I was met with something that makes perfect sense, yet for some reason I still can't wrap my head around it.

Apocalypse Now is the perfect metaphor for life and also....for being a horror fan. I suppose it isn't that much of a stretch what with "The Horror! The Horror!" being the tagline and all but as someone who has a strange dread surrounding most "war" movies, you should believe me when I say that I find this very confusing and extremely exciting.

I was never the biggest fan of Heart of Darkness. I found it dry and somehow less captivating than other novels I was forced to read in order to receive 3.00 credits towards my college diploma. Therefore, the idea of Apocalypse Now was one that peaked my interest. I knew I was somehow supposed to think that Heart of Darkness was a masterpiece, so maybe, just maybe Apocalypse Now could finally convince me. It did of course, but it also widened my eyes to something that I like to call brilliance.

This brilliance was especially captured when Marlon Brando delivered his famous monologue about the horror, crying like a grandmother and the importance of remembering it forever. It was like a giant lightbulb went off in my brain. THIS is what I should have tattooed on my face so that when people ask me why I like horror movies so much I can just stare at them.

I like horror movies so much because they used to scare the shit out of me. They used to force me into uncomfortable positions of shielding both my eyes and ears against their terror. Then one day something happened. I realized that embracing the horror and facing the horror was what made the fear go away.

This made sense not just when watching horror movies but in the rest of my life as well. I'm what or was, what you would call a scaredy cat. I had a hard time doing much of anything without crying or dragging some unfortunate friend or family member along with me. The thing is though, life IS scary. Life is horrific but until you face it and recognize it, you'll never be able to accept it and you will keep running away from it. Yikes I sound like a preacher now but whatever, you can blame it on Francis Ford Coppola.

Anyways. I wanted you to know that really, really shitty and awful things happen sometimes. But that's life. If you've seen horror look you straight in the face then you've probably already had this revelation hit you before. Marlon Brando's monologue is still one of the best things that's ever happened. It means so much. But it especially makes me smile when I think about all those people who like to give horror fans a bad name. All those people that make those disgusted faces when I talk about how excited I get from watching horror movies. And all those people, the same people really that laugh when I tell them that there is such a thing as a good horror movie.

You must make a friend of horror. So that is why today I will share with you all my friends. Just to prove that what Apocalypse Now is saying is true and completely awesome.

Blame it on the Creeper

2012-03-12T18:20:00.011-04:00

Jeepers Creepers and I have a very complicated relationship. He's my friend (and lover when I've had too much of the wine) but more often than not, we seem to get into these insanely ridiculous fights. The ones where you just keep bringing up these trite points that have nothing to do with anything but then again when you think about it, it's those moments and those trite points that really come to make so much sense. I had one of those moments yesterday after watching 30 minutes of Jeepers Creepers. I realized that even though Jeepers Creepers can be entertaining when it wants to be, the film and I will never be great friends because the Creeper makes no sense in the grand scheme of life. And it really messes with me!

Let's lay down the facts first.

1. The Creeper is a demon who wreaks havoc in rural Florida every 23rd year for 23 days.

2. He wreaks havoc by killing people and taking their body parts.

3. He uses these body parts to form parts of his own body.

4. He can smell fear.

So that's the basic layout of the Creeper but anyone who has actually watched the movie can hopefully join me in screaming WHY DOES HE DRIVE A TRUCK? and also other stuff that makes no sense.

Listen, The Creeper. If you're some big crazy demon who can fly and do all sorts of scary demon stuff---why are you blending into society by driving an old beat up truck and wearing man clothes? The Creeper goes from being an all powerful, unwoundable (I made that word up) beast to a paranoid serial killer who feels the need to burn the evidence of his killings to the ground. I mean really? Was he worried they were going to find some incriminating evidence? Line him up for identification and give him the death sentence?

(Oh wait I meant INDESTRUCTIBLE. Silly me. Woundable...)

I just don't get it.

So because I like bullet points and/or numbered lists of unimportant "facts" I will spell out my frustrations right now.

1. How did The Creeper learn how to drive?

I hate to break it to you but learning how to drive can be difficult. At least it was for me when I found out that driving up a hilly stone driveway means holding onto the wheel tight and not hitting a tree. I just have a really hard time believing that The Creeper woke up one day after 23 years, got into a truck and started driving.

He's got crazy demon hands and demon feet---and sure he's an erractic driver but have you seen his control? That truck cannot have great suspension but man, does he know how to manuever it. Yup. Like I said. Not buying it.... The Creeper.

2. A Vanity Plate!?

As if that wasn't enough, The Creeper also feels the need to get a vanity plate for his demon truck. Again, I find it hard to believe that either A. The demon stumbled upon a vanity plate that perfectly spelled out his M.O. or that B. He went to the DMV to register this vanity plate or C. The license plate randomly spelt out those letters and he just got extremely lucky.

3. Why ruin your life's work?

I still will never understand why after discovering that Darry had been in his secret lair, The Creeper panics and torches the place. It's not like the police would have found it and then been on the look out for a crazy demon. No, they would be on the look out for a serial killer who was crazy. Trust me The Creeper, you would not be a suspect because to everyone except Darry--you do not exist.

Plus, why would you willingly get rid of your Sistine Chapel of hell? Actually, while we're on the subject---why was he turning his victims into a cruel work of preserved grossness anyways? Didn't he just need their body parts? Why save them? I DONT GET IT. He's not a serial killer, so he doesn't need to keep trophies.

4. Why does he even need to take people's body parts?

He seems to be doing pretty fine while looking like a big scary demon. Not to mention, that his eyes look fine to me--why does he need Darry's eyes? Will his demon body expire for good if he doesn't take the body parts of humans? Will GOD win if he does not absorb other peoples body parts and take them for his own? Did they explain that and I was too busy laughing while imagining The Creeper waiting in line at the DMV?

5. BLAH BLAH BLAH

Right. Well....anyways like I said, I enjoy Jeepers Creepers from time to time but ultimately because it makes no sense-- I can't ever make peace with it. It's too bad because we had a pretty solid history too.

But come on you guys. Does this movie really make any sense to any of you?

I'll tell you what it seems like to me. It seems like the creators originally took this idea of a crazy and sick serial killer who brutality killed people, took body parts and then tacked them up on the ceiling. Somewhere along the line, they were like WAIT, let's make him a DEMON. And then the ridiculousness of Jeepers Creepers was born. They didn't bother to change all the elements that would have made sense had The Creeper been a real person and then everyone was like ahahah BLAH BLAH BLAH we made a movie let's get drunk!

Okay that was mean. I like Jeepers Creepers, I do. But I'm not afraid to tell it like it is. It makes no sense. And that's all I have to say about that.

Absentia: The Review Where I Tell You NOTHING About the Movie.

2012-03-04T16:16:00.006-05:00

You know those movies that people always tell you to watch but they won't tell you why? The ones that apparently hold some grain of wisdom so large and powerful that knowing anything about it beforehand might significantly ruin your chances of actually taking something away from it? Absentia is one of those movies which makes me severely question the necessity of writing about it.

I finished watching Absentia this morning after turning it off the night before in the fear of being woken up in the middle of the night by strange bug noises. Don't look at me like that I had the house to myself! Upon completion, my mind was suddenly filled with the kind of panic that only a horror movie blogger could have---what the hell am I going to write about?

Hence this incredibly pointless blog post where I try to convince you to see Absentia without actually telling you anything about it. Although I'm fairly certain that I've said too much already.

So here's the deal. If you enjoy watching movies that aren't straightforward in their apparent horror gene and if you like feeling really unsettled for no reason then you should definitely watch Absentia. It's a horror movie unlike any that I've seen. It made me feel so unbelievably tense, confused, scared and hopeless. It made me question the very idea of horror movies in the first place and most importantly it made me realize yet again that Doug Jones is probably some kind of alien from planet creepy face and body.

It's not even like there is this crazy overdose of jump scares or shock either. The tension that you feel amounts from extremely simple concepts that do just enough to send tiny shivers down your spine. The movie also utilizes the idea that a structure or piece of scenery can be one of the scariest characters out of the whole story. And most importantly it plays with the idea of loss, devastation and puppies in trash bags.....wait I mean....of drawing your own conclusions.

There are no answers in Absentia. For many this will be the hardest thing to swallow and perhaps for some people this will be the biggest fault of the film. Those people suck. No they do, they really do. Because if Absentia teaches us anything, it's that there will never be an end to what we imagine. What does it all mean? It means whatever you want it to mean. No seriously, what does it mean? SHUT UP. Just watch it. You'll thank me later.

Slumber Party Massacre: Oh How Times Have Changed

2012-02-20T11:24:00.007-05:00

Slumber Party Massacre holds the great honor of being one of the VHS covers at the video store that scared the living crap out of me.

Not only did it show a madman about to kill some girls with what I assumed at the time was a telephone wire but it also made me nervous about what slumber parties would be like when I got to high school. Somehow, the idea of spending the night with fellow girls clad in lacy and sexy bras and underwear, plus also maybe forming a pig pile of terror didn't appeal to me. I think I was still afraid of naked people (which is a fear I was relieved from after I started going to the gym last month) (Side note: I'm still afraid of older women who walk up to me naked and ask me if I'm using the lotion....eeeeeek).

Ultimately Slumber Party Massacre challenged my happy thoughts about sleepovers. Seeing this VHS cover back in the days of elementary and middle school, firmly made me question the importance of such future rituals. Basically if slumber parties in high school did not include falling asleep while leaving the N'Sync CD on repeat and chocolate milk in sippy cups--I wanted no part. If only I knew then what I know now, I would realize that Slumber Party Massacre is just a movie!

By the way, Slumber Party Massacre is exactly what it sounds like. A massacre at a slumber party! An escaped mad man is on the loose and he just happens to hit the jackpot by finagling his way into a house where a slumber party is happening. Bloodiness and boobies ensue.

Although made in 1982, the slumber party in Slumber Party Massacre is I'm assuming wildly different from anyone's idea of a slumber party that is not a 55 year old male living in their mother's basement. Then again, if Slumber Party Massacre tells us anything, it's that the world was vastly different in good old 1982. For instance, who knew that in 1982, Kool-aid wasn't sweet enough on it's own? Clearly it had to be made sweeter by pouring in a bag of pure sugar!

(Side note: IS that how you make Kool-aid? By adding the powder to water AND then mixing sugar in? Nobody tells me anything important anymore...hmmph!)

Due to this evidence I am drawing the conclusion that slumber parties in 1982 were exactly like they were Slumber Party Massacre and not only that but LIFE is exactly the same as well.

This means that towels at the high school were about half the size they are now.

And the showers resemble prison showers. Also, the high school is probably an old abandoned prison that does not get money fed to it by taxpayers based on the fact that all the walls are decorated in gang graffiti unable to be removed. I guess going to high school in 1982 was not a very fun time--which is why girls needed to have slumber parties.

I'll be honest with you. There's something I find incredibly endearing about Slumber Party Massacre. I think it's because I expected it to be a worthless piece of garbage with tons of boobs and a tiny bit of blood. But no, Slumber Party Massacre is actually a fun piece of garbage with tons of boobs and a fair amount of blood. I was way off!

I was actually surprised at how brutal much of the film is. There isn't a whole lot of lolly gagging throughout this. Sure there are cats jumping out of closets but there are also some fairly sad and unnerving death scenes. Take for instance the early on kill of a telephone repair woman. Our dopey male character hits on the woman who smiles to herself as they walk away. Then she is unceremoniously pulled into her OWN telephone repair van and we see her flailing arms and hopeless poundings on the window, trying to alert the clueless boys now walking away.

It's one of those scenes that would definitely have scarred me for life, had I seen it when I was younger.

Also, the man man's weapon of choice--a cork screw drill is unexpected and very bad ass. Plus it's loud which makes his ability to kill people in the garage without causing alarm very impressive. Although we never get to see actual blood and guts due to the corkscrew drill, we do often get to see the aftermath which is in many ways something that I prefer.

For some reason it's something that affects me more than blood and guts all up in your face. Maybe because it lessen the silly entertainment factor that many people receive from watching blood and guts all up in their face?

Fun fact! Slumber Party Massacre was written and directed by women! I had to go back and edit a bit of this review because originally I was all like pffft yeah whose fantasy of a slumber party is this---MALE FILMMAKERS. Whoops. Upon further reflection though, if this was made by men I have a feeling the slumber party would include some experimental lesbian sex, booby grabbing and silly talk about the male anatomy that no girl would ever actually say. Then again...I'm still confused about the edition of a Playgirl magazine being used as some form of tantalizing print material. I'm pretty sure Playgirl ultimately failed as magazine because no one wants to look at some guys junk. Or maybe I'm alone because secretly, I still fear naked people!

Anyways, Slumber Party Massacre surprised me in more than one way. It showed restraint while still being a tad bit unnerving. It created seemingly likable female characters and threw in creepy next door neighbors to boot. It's entertaining for what it is, and it's a refreshing take on the slasher genre that doesn't leave me with feelings of bitterness and hostility (COUGH Friday the 13th). Hooray!

The Innkeepers: The Return of the Slow Burn

2012-02-05T17:20:00.007-05:00

Well don't worry I'm still alive. Instead of laziness however this time I'll cry THE X-FILES and the outrageous truth that I joined a gym last week. I know what you're thinking and the answer is yes---there is now a Fox Mulder poster in my bedroom. But seriously, the gym? There is a small part of me that feels like I may just be a pod person. Of course being a pod person wouldn't be so bad if we all had hair like Donald Sutherland, but who can really be that lucky?

Anyways. I'm not watching as many horror movies because I've been too busy watching trashy TV while doing the elliptical. Then when I come home I watch the X-files, go to sleep and have crazy ass dreams. I blame the duel combination of exercise and trashy TV. Or is the triple combination of exercise, trashy TV and the X-files? While we're on the subject---STOP KEEPING SCULLY AND MULDER APART THEY'RE A TEAM DAMN IT.

Today I finally pried myself away from watching the X-files and pretending to be healthy, and enjoyed the spoils of a horror movie that I had been craving to see for a while. The Innkeepers is another film made by The House of the Devil's Ti West---the penultimate king of the slow burner (second only to maybe Roman Polanski....MAYBE). Needless to say, I was more than anxious to see Ti's latest installment of terror.

Ghost stories if you are not aware, happen to be my favorite kind of horror movie. Owed mostly to the fact that I'm insanely terrified of the concept of ghosts and suspicious noises that happen in the nighttime. The Innkeepers follows the sad last days of the Yankee Pedlar Inn, a historical inn going out of business due to the fact that no one wants to stay there (I blame the towels, they look pretty musty).

Claire and Luke are both Pedlar employees who are on a mission to record any sign of paranormal activity they can before the inn shuts down once and for all.

There's part of me that feels like I would have not liked this as much if I had not been familiar with The House of the Devil. Technically in some ways I didn't love The Innkeepers but I did appreciate it when all was said and done. The best part about Ti West is that he is great at flipping conventions and predictability on their heads. He has this whole thing about not falling prey to cliches or what is to be expected, and he does it artfully. I'm not just talking out of my butt, there is some great, great stuff going on in this.

Most noticeably, the subdued color palette that almost amplifies the sad state of the inn, and my favorite part, the lurking camera work.

Ti seems to borrow this technique from The Shining and it works so fantastically. If you notice while watching, the camera at many times seems to be a character all on its own. It seeks out and finds the characters rather than the other way around. It works because it suggests this watchfulness that the inn or the ghost appears to have. It is this kind of thing that makes appreciate a solid ghost film.

Many I think will not like The Innkeepers because it's almost too slow. Yes that's Ti's style but here I felt like it could have used a bit of oomph. There are technically no real scares for a long time---I want to say maybe like an hour? The thing about that is, that although there is no actual scare, that doesn't mean that tension and feelings of being scared are absent. On the contrary, another thing that Ti West is great at is building up tension that never seems to go anywhere.

Some might call this a great fault of the film but I like to think of it as kind of genius. Built up tension that never releases causes even higher levels of unease. This means that The Innkeepers should scare you without actually scaring you, if you catch my drift. And we're not necessarily talking fake outs here---I mean more of the sense that our characters could be walking around in the dark with a flashlight and our hearts could be pounding BUT no ghostly figure ever pops up out of nowhere and screams. It's all about keeping you on your toes, and it does that well.

Sure, there are some pop ups and excuse me for being brutally honest when I say they are pretty fucking scary. That ghost under the sheet? Not cool! But all in all, the tension is kept at a nice high level of unease. The other great thing about The Innkeepers is that our two main characters are hilarious and a pleasure to spend an hour and 40 minutes with.

They feel real and more importantly they act like real people. Probably my favorite part that proves this is when Claire is trying to haul the big trash bag into the dumpster. Man. If that isn't me on a Sunday morning after cleaning the cat boxes than I don't know what is. Whoops, I let my cat lady show again.

Point is. The Innkeepers is a great film. Sure it's slow and nothing really scary happens for a long, long time but that doesn't mean things aren't happening. Plus, the ending scene or two is pretty outrageously awesome if you ask me.

Very.....The Sentinel and not just because it utilizes naked old men wandering around to its advantage. While there are many that find the ending less than thrilling and maybe even disappointing---I think it's admirable because it's not some stupid twist ending of flashbacks and soft core porn. It's bleak, and it's confusing but it works. It works especially when you go back and think about everything the actress said about there being 3 ghosts and deja vu and all that. Yes, I think that the longer I ruminate, the more I come away liking The Innkeepers. Yes there could have perhaps been more story behind the ghosts and just straight up more ghosts, but isn't that life? We want to be able to say we've had a ghost encounter but usually we just end up walking around with a flashlight and getting scared by an errant bird. Such is life my friends. Such is life.

It's no House of the Devil of course, but it still stands in my mind as the kind of ghost story that can be appreciated by the right people. The ghost stories where less is more and where more realistic scares trump insanely stupid ones.