Fallen Not Broken

Perfeito Coração

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 23:34:00 +0000

The Loneliness Of The Long Distance Runner

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 23:07:00 +0000

Tough of the track,
With the wind,
And the rain that's beating down on your back.
Your heart's beating loud
And goes on getting louder
And goes on even more till the sound
Is ringing in your head,
With every step you tread,
And every breath you take,
Determination makes
You run,
Never stop,
Gotta win, gotta run till you drop,
Keep the pace,
Hold the race,
Your mind is getting clearer,
You're over halfway there but the miles
Just never seem to end
As if you're in a dream,
Not getting anywhere.
It seems so futile.

Chorus:
Run, on and on,
Run, on and on,
The loneliness of the long distance runner.

I've got to keep running the course,
I've got to keep running and win at all costs,
I've got to keep going, be strong,
Must be so determined and push myself on.

Run over stiles, across fields,
Turn to look at who's on your heels,
Way ahead of the field,
The line is getting nearer but do
You want the glory that goes,
You reach the final stretch,
Ideals are just a trace,
You feel like throwing the race,
It's all so futile.

Chorus:
Run, on and on,
Run, on and on,
The loneliness of the long distance runner.

- Iron Maiden

My Heart

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 22:51:00 +0000

My heart, is faulty. It has a genetic fault.

Sometimes, especially at night, I can feel it. My heart flutters... for a moment, it stops. It is like a heart attack, a very small one. The heart stops, for a moment, and then it starts again.

Someday, this could kill me. However, it is not a definite death sentence. It is only a maybe, a possibility. I will probably live a normal life. But someday, I may not wake up. And this will be what killed me.

When I feel it, time stops. I wait, for what seems a lifetime, for it to start again, and it always does.

When you have something like this, you live differently. You live as though each day could be your last. And I have not shied away from living each day like it could be my last.

But maybe, just possibly, this way of living, will kill me.

Casamento Gay

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 19:13:00 +0000

At New Years, a very drunk man came up to our table and said "is this table full of a bunch of poufs?"

And I asked him "what's wrong with gay people? Do you hate them?" My tablemates, clearly, had dealt with this before, and they had much better quips with which to defuse the situation. And eventually the drunk man, faced with a table of very large men, went away. And none of us got beaten up, although it might have gone that way.

It was the same, when I was a teenager, and my boyfriend was African American. I cannot even remember all the hateful things we got shouted at us, when we walked down the street together. If you had asked me, as a teenager, if there would ever be a black president in my lifetime, I would hardly have believed it.

Why ignorance? But things do change. There is progress, even if it is slow. One would hope, over time, that ignorance is vanquished, but nothing is ever this simplistic. And it's a fallacy to believe that truth is black and white. And these are not academic questions for me, sitting in my armchair and snapping the paper in disgust. These are real issues, affecting my family and my friends.

Epiphany

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 20:35:00 +0000

Epiphany (holiday), a Christian holiday on January 6 celebrating the visit of the Magi to the infant Jesus.

Epiphany (feeling), the sudden realization or comprehension of the essence or meaning of something.

Music Lists

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 20:38:00 +0000

Laub - Deintewegen
LCD Soundsystem - LCD Soundsystem
Lennie Tristano - Intuition
Leonard Bernstein - Candide
Shostakovich - Symphony No. 7
Low - Drums And Guns
Mark Lanegan - Bubblegum
Mastodon - Crack The Skye
Matmos - The Rose Has Teeth...
Miles Davis - Bitches Brew
Murcof - The Versailles Sessions
My Morning Jacket - It Still Moves
Neutral Milk Hotel - In The Aeroplane Over The Sea
Nina Nastasia - Road To Ruin
Of Montreal - Hissing Fauna
Oliver Nelson - Blues And The Abstract Truth
Om - Pilgrimage
Panda Bear - Person Pitch
Patti Smith - Horses
Philip Jeck - Sand
Pixies - Wave Of Mutilation
Portishead - Third
Randy Newman - Harps & Angels
Robert Wyatt - Comicopera
Roxy Music - For Your Pleasure
Ruby Suns - Sea Lion
Scritti Politti - White Bread Black Beer
Serge Gainsbourg - Historie de Melody Nelson
Prokofiev - Alexander Nevsky
Shearwater - Rook
Simon & Garfunkel - Bridge Over Troubled Water
Stars Of The Lid - And Their Refinement
Steely Dan - Can't Buy A Thrill
Strategy - Future Rock
Allman Brothers Band - Live At Fillmore East
The Band - Music From The Big Pink
The Bug - London Zoo
The Chap - Ham
The Clash - London Calling
The Libertines - Up The Bracket

Music Lists

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 20:57:00 +0000

Aesop Rock - Labor Days
Ahmad Jamal - The Awakening
Albert Ayler Trio - Spiritual Unity
Bill Evans Trio - Sunday At The Village Vanguard
Black Mountain - Black Mountain
Blind Willie Johnson - Praise God I'm Satisfied
Blondie - Parallel Lines
Bomb The Bass - Future Chaos
Bruce Springsteen - Darkness On The Edge Of Town
Can - Soon Over Babaluma
Cannibal Ox - The Cold Vein
Carole King - Tapestry
Charley Patton - The Very Best Of
Chromatics - Night Drive
Chuck Berry - The Definitive Collection
Stravinsky: Petrouchka (Cleveland Orchestra)
Coldplay - Parachutes
Cole Porter - Anything Goes
Glass: Akhnaten
Department of Eagles - In Ear Park
Derek And The Dominoes - Layla
Derek Bailey - Ballads
Devendra Banhart - Rejoicing In The Hands
Edan - Beauty And The Beat
Elbow - Seldom Seen Kid
Elliot Smith - New Moon
Elvis Presley - That's All Right
Fela Kuti - Ikoyi Blindness
John Fahey - Red Cross
Jolie Holland - Catalpa
Kanye West - College Dropout
Kelley Polar - I Need You To Hold On

Decisions

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 15:44:00 +0000

You're smiling wryly there.

I am, yeah... I got an email from the BBC today.

Oh??? Why's that then?

Remember when I applied for all those jobs a few months ago? Well, of all the CVs I sent, these are the people who are now emailing me back. They want to interview me, they liked my skills.

And how do you feel about that?

Well, on the one hand, enormously pleased. The BBC get hundreds of CVs, and I do mean that quite literally. To get asked to interview for a job there is, well, I'm floored.

But you look a bit sad.

I am... well, I don't know what to think. I guess it reminds me, that when you make decisions, then the course of your path, your life, alters irrevocably. I can't go back to the UK now, even if I wanted to... I have to keep going forward on the path I have chosen. And it's a good path, I am needed here and I'm having fun where I am. But I can see the divergence of my paths now, and I wonder when they will join up again...

Are you regretting your decision?

Strangely, no. This job has changed me, but I must say it has changed me for the better. I feel more confident. I plan my own schedule, I make the discipline and I am educating myself in practical teaching skills, and so this job is hugely responsible. I have a self-directed and quite free schedule, I don't really have a boss other than myself and so I feel liberated and much more at ease. And most of all, I feel needed and wanted. This will help me in a new London job, later. And of course, there are the side benefits too: long holidays, a bit of time to sightsee, practice my language, and go surfing. No, I didn't make the wrong decision. But I feel paths crossing, and then going in opposite directions.

I Wanna Be Your Girfriend

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 22:19:00 +0000

By Laura Imbruglia

I Wanna Be Your Girlfriend from Filipe Marques on Vimeo.

Update To Best Albums 2009

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 21:18:00 +0000

I put a few more albums in there, because they were just too good. You can read the update here.

I Am MILF

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 19:27:00 +0000

...and this year I will be gorgeous. :)

I Know Of A Pub

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 18:25:00 +0000

This is not just any pub, it's a special pub. It's a local, but it is... extra.

It's a strange little pub. It's in Finsbury Park, but it's nowhere near the Tube station. It's in an isolated little corner. It's completely anonymous. As far as I know, Amy Winehouse has never vomited there.

But it's a real one-off, this pub. It does not attract football fans, or lager louts, or yoot with stolen mobile phones. It's attended by locals, and everyone really does know everyone there. It attracts artists, and intellectuals, and music fans, and teachers. It's like everybody's extra living room.

My friend works a few shifts there. So, I've been a few times. And one does not languish for conversation. I went there last night, and had many conversations. For a time I sat with the gay table, and laughed at various embarrassing exploits. I spoke with a lawyer who blagged his way into a job at the British Museum (he did not have an art degree, but loved art). I chatted with a professor whose specialty was the Spanish and Portuguese anti-fascist struggles. I spoke with too many people to even remember.

And at midnight, everyone kissed everyone else and wished "Happy New Year!" We all sang Auld Lang Syne and held hands. The proprietor passed out free champagne and party poppers. Someone had brought a huge bag of fireworks, and set them all off on the patio outside, where we stood and shivered in the snow.

And afterward, after everybody else had left, my friend and I sat amongst the detritus of glasses, and helped ourselves to whiskey at the bar, and chatted as the fruit machine and Christmas tree lights slowly blinked. And when we were exhausted, all we had to do was go upstairs to the apartments above, and fall into bed.

And everybody that night, said the same thing in various constructions. "Why go out and seek the perfect night somewhere else? It's always the perfect night here."

My Last Memory Of Last Night

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 18:17:00 +0000

... is of one of our companions, upon a conversation with our Italian tablemate, labeling Berlusconi a fascist. "He's a fascist!" he kept repeating, over and over, insensible to the Italian's suggestions that Berlusconi was merely a monster, unwise, but not a fascist.

"It's time for us to go," said his friend, helping him into his coat. "I knew it was time earlier, when he was talking about his ballbreaking encounter with Shere Hite."

Best Music Videos 2009

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 18:00:00 +0000

I've been rediscovering my love of the short-form music video over the past year. When I was younger, I took a video production course and I imagined that someday I might become a video producer. It never came to pass, but the love persists!

Here's a few of my favourite views over the past year.

Mastodon - Oblivion

Over the top. Just like a good video for a metal band should be. :)

The Guild - Do You Wanna Date My Avatar

Pure silliness.

Dirty Projectors - Stillness Is The Move

It adds to the song. It's perfect. Kate Bush could not have done better.

Major Lazer - Pon The Floor
The first time I saw this I thought "Can they???" But they did. This is genius. Watch it here.

Grizzly Bear - Two Weeks

This video is truly strange. I like the way it heightens the tension of the song.

Shakira - She Wolf
I saw this originally in a hotel room, which just added to the pure kitch value of the whole experience! Watch here.

Department Of Eagles - No One Does It Like You

Really weird. See Grizzly Bear.

Fever Ray - If I Had A Heart

Cold, really cold. Just like the song.

Bat For Lashes - Pear's Dream
Because Bat For Lashes always take such care with their videos. Another Kate Bush moment. Watch here.

Dan Deacon - Paddling Ghost

Pure silliness! They had fun making this.

Beyonce - Single Ladies
Not from this year, but I love it. Watch here.

Happy New Year

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 17:23:00 +0000

Last year was a hard year
for such a long time
this year is gonna be ours.
Akron/Family - Last Year

Is It The End Of The Decade?

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 17:57:00 +0000

1st January 2010? Or 1st January 2011?

And what shall we call the next decade? The Tenties? The Ten Pluses? Two Score and 2000?

Robert Wyatt Guest Edits Today

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 16:54:00 +0000

Robert Wyatt will guest edit the Today programme on Radio 4 on New Year's Day. That's 1st January, from 6am to 9am. A good reason not to overdo it the night before. :)

The Nightingale

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 03:31:00 +0000

Dear nightingale
companion to Keats, Milton, Wordsworth

Nestled in some bower beneath my window
and so you trill
industriously, nocturnally, while the world sleeps.

Few can be charmed in this silent hour
the shortest day, the longest night.
But those who are attentive
we listen
and wonder.

Some Special Thanks

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 23:00:00 +0000

I am very pleased, that my year-end music lists were republished on two very fine blogs of note. And so, with my very special thanks...

I'm delighted to have been republished on Largehearted Boy. This blog is a fantastic compendium of not only music (including release schedules as well as free downloads), but they also publish wonderful book lists, comics links, and so much more. I am extremely proud to be associated with this blog, I believe they are one of the finest sources of entertainment information out there.

Secondly, a special thanks to Elbo.ws for indexing me on their very fine blogroll. I have found the weird and the wonderful of the music world easily accessible from their site: the music sphere is much improved by their existence.

New Year's

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 11:12:00 +0000

What's going on this New Year's?

Well, at the moment, packing. Lots of shifting stuff into boxes. I have a few offers this New Year's, so I'm still considering what to do.

What happened last year?

Oh, last year was very silly! I stayed in with a friend and we got silly drunk and watched "The Jerk". It was very, very funny.

Did you get many New Year's wishes last year?

I got a few, yeah! Oh, yeah... I rang my musical partner. That was... well, in retrospect, it was both funny and pathetic.

How so?

Well, you know, we were still working together at that time, still friends. So, I rang him on New Year's Eve to ask some musical questions, and then wish him a happy New Year's. But it became evident that the new girlfriend was there. And she was less than pleased.

Why would she behave like that? It's not like you were still lovers.

Exactly! Already there was an agreement in place, that we were co-workers. I don't know... she's like a teenager in heat, horribly jealous I guess. It was a brief call that's for sure, it was evident she was shooting eyes like daggers at my friend. So he rang off, we agreed to speak later.

How do you feel about that now?

Well, I feel how pathetic all that was now. It was the start for me, of knowing that I could not associate anymore with someone whose behaviour was so shameful. First, I wondered if the girlfriend had a strop anytime any girl ever rang my friend? Secondly, I debated how pussywhipped my friend was, and the degree of his submission to her jealousy. Thirdly, I was shocked that someone as old as her still behaved like a 13 year old. At her age I was married, I had emigrated to a new country, and I was the manager of a department. And at her age... well, you know, someone else pays the bills and drives the car. She's exceedingly developmently immature for her age. She's so horribly jealous, she emailed later to say that he had been "hiding" my call from her and that "I messed up her relationship with him." Pathetic. She'd better look to her own behaviour for that, rather than blaming others.

How do you think he deals with that jealousy now?

Oh, the usual way. If his mobile rings, he walks out of the room to take the call. If someone is jealous, that is about all you can do, really.

Can You Control Your Hoe

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 23:34:00 +0000

Can't you control your hoe, nigga?
When you gotz two bitches making demands on you
"One of them bitches has got to go" and so
which one will it be, nigga?

Ring ring went the cellie, nigga is callin'
"Look hon, I'm callin' ya nice and sweet today, won't you come back, so we can play?"
"Who you tryin to fool, nigga?" says that hoe.
"I ain't your dirty secret, you gotta say my name loud an' proud
you go tell your girlfriend I'm here to stay."
That's right, bitch ain't taking your shit no mo'

Now niggaz don't like to be refused
When you're big pimp daddy any bitch that refuse you is one dirty ole hoe

Can't you control your hoe, nigga?
When you gotz two bitches making demands on you
"One of them bitches has got to go" and so
which one will it be, nigga?

Bitch number two gone check your cellie made calls
"That dawg gone callin' his old hoe" she spits
sharpened acrylics drawn, she sucks "tssskk" between her front teeth
"It's either that bitch or me, that's all it can be."
Now, sorry ass bitch, how ya gonna stop that ghetto queen
with a booty so fine and a mouth that makes men scream?
Whatcha gonna do bitch, to done stop that hoe from movin' in on your shit?

Ride it bitch, ride it
And when he's nearly there hold up the phone
"I see your calls nigga, I know your scam
If you don't tell that hoe to scram, you and me are thru."
You dirty little bitch, what do you think a nigga is gonna do?
A bird's bush in hand is better than no bush at all.

Sorry my original bitch, you didn't stand a chance
Niggaz are like gnats, they only live for the day.

Can't you control your hoe, nigga?
When you gotz two bitches making demands on you
"One of them bitches has got to go" and so
which one will it be, nigga?

With apologies to Snoop Dogg.

Teaching Christmas

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 20:28:00 +0000

How is the teaching coming along?

Oh my goodness, it is seriously hard... I mean, everyone knows teaching is hard. You plan lessons all day long. You correct homework. You're on your feet for several hours. And teenagers must be the hardest audience to perform for. Even harder than a bunch of drunk Northerners on a stag do in Slovenia. I have died on stage, countless times already. And when you die, well, you just have to carry on with your material. Until the hour is over.

Is there any reward to it?

There is, strangely. Even the difficult students, those horrible teenage girls for instance, there is something in me that rather likes their attitude. And Christmas has been a revelation.

How so?

Well, for the last lessons, the kids got an entire Christmas themed lesson, the teenagers get a partial Christmas theme. The kids... oh my, they loved the decorated classroom. They love colouring, and cutting out the little Christmas trees from card, and making 3D ornaments that will stand up. Kids get so excited about Christmas, I loved that. Even the teenage girls, I did a gap-fill of the Wham! song "Last Christmas" and they loved that, they wanted me to repeat it so they could sing it! I asked them to then teach me a Portuguese Christmas carol, which they did, and we sang it all together.

Does one class stand out?

Yes, my largest class, the class of eight... this class freaks me out a bit, because they are all about 12 years old, seriously rambunctious but also incredibly smart, the best class. I try really hard with them, to give them challenging lessons. We did some Christmas stories, but then I asked them to colour in their own stocking, which they loved! They got so creative with it. And the most brilliant thing... spontaneously, as they were working, they all started to sing Christmas carols. In English, and Portuguese. I have to say, that is one of the most pleasurable hours of my life...

I remember... all the boring, horrible, bigoted teachers I ever had, as I was growing up. I always have it in the back of my mind, never to be like that. To try and make learning, well, not exactly easy, but at least engaging. I am too fresh to do it properly, but I try...

Reading For Life

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 20:00:00 +0000

2010, for me, will be the year of the book.

World Cup

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 16:23:00 +0000

I have just spent a very important 15 minutes studying the World Cup fixtures.

Unfortunately, I do believe I have a few classes to teach during critical games. However, my school is blessed with AV equipment including a lovely widescreen television and a conference room. And the cafe/bar is only 30 seconds away. I should at least be able to see the second half, if not the whole game.

It is important, to sort these things in advance. Six months in advance, yes, but you can never plan too carefully when it comes to the World Cup.

Shoplifting

fallenotbroken@gmail.com (fallenotbroken) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 13:05:00 +0000

Why shoplifting?

It's the time of year, the start of the sales... I was thinking back, to so long ago, when I used to work in a retail shop, selling records.

Did you have lots of shoplifters?

We sure did. We were on a busy main road, they used to target us as they could often get away easily, blend into the crowds. I used to pose as a shopper, in order to spot our chronic shoplifters. And a few times, I sat in the security area, as they shook down people and took their details.

What was that like?

It was... fascinating. These people even shoplifted box sets! It's really hard to hide that. In fact, it's impossible, the evidence is very clear. But almost without fail, even when they had been caught, the shoplifters still tried to deny they had been shoplifting. Even when the evidence of crumpled wrappers and bent trays was right there in front of them. I think it must be something inherent in the psyche of a shoplifter.

How did that affect you later?

It was good training. I grew to spot a liar from 50 paces after that. I could see the signs, the facial ticks, the evasions. It is... hard when someone you care about, turns out to be a liar.

How so?

You simply can't believe they are doing it. Even when the evidence is spread out in front of them. Even when they have been caught in not one lie, but several. Still they deny it, say it wasn't that, attempt to fabricate evidence. It is devastating, when you learn that someone you care about, is low and compromised in that way. Your heart breaks, and you think "oh please no, not to me, don't debase yourself even in front of me..."