A Spiritual Journey On Planet Earth

HOW TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN - THE WAY TO SUCCESS AS I SEE IT

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 18:55:00 +0000

(This is a cross post from my art blog)

"Emotions 1/6", copyright Vivi-Mari Carpelan 2003

So here's the scenario: you feel discouraged and disheartened, not knowing what to do next. It seems as if everything is against you and you are losing faith not only in other people but in yourself as well. You feel stuck and uncreative. Personally, I have been in this place many times. It's almost as if each time it gets work, but this could be evolution in action. Challenges get tougher as you learn from life, but the rewards you reap are probably also greater. Thing is, life is naturally dynamic, and this means there are always ups and downs throughout the journey. I find it helpful to think of it as the inhalation and exhalation of life itself. When you're in a phase of inhalation, you will feel more introspective and maybe even depressed. The point is to not fight this, but go with the flow. If you resist it, you make it harder for yourself.

"Emotions 2/6", copyright Vivi-Mari Carpelan 2003

Artists are people who may feel these mood swings and roller coasters much more poignantly than others. They easily get distressed when they are in a low phase because it feels as if they cannot produce anything worthwhile. You easily feel victimized and blame others for all sorts of things. The darker aspects of your being might come out and you will be a less pleasant person to be around. The way that depth psychologists who specialize in creativity theories explain this is that you are more submerged in your subconscious mind and the reason you cannot produce quite so well is because mental material is in a state of brewing. Don't panic, this phase is necessary. If you look into yourself you will probably find that you're battling with problems and feeling conflicted about many things. There is often one major issue to deal with but it usually connects with other more minor issues. You need to let it all go on for as long as it needs to go on.

"Emotions 3/6", copyright Vivi-Mari Carpelan 2003

Let this be. Don't panic, don't force yourself to be something you're not. At the most, be positive in the sense that you know this will pass, and that consciously dwelling on things is not necessarily of any use. I find talking to my husband useful, as it sometimes speeds things up a bit and makes me feel clearer, as well as helps him understand what's going on. But trying not to whine and winge too much is better for yourself and everyone around you. Keep in mind that clarity will come when the time is right.

"Emotions 4/6", copyright Vivi-Mari Carpelan 2003

Then suddenly, one day, you have reached a major decision. I find time and time again that reaching a decision about what direction I want to take is the turning point. I don't think there are any real short cuts to this. This is usually when you come out of your shell and start acting. You will no doubt be more extroverted than normal, which will enable you to communicate with other people about your ideas and your direction. In fact, just chatting to people about whatever happens in your life can lead to unexpected trains of events. Very often things happen indirectly, in a mysterious way that is not really of your own making. You're just being open and actively putting yourself out there. You feel more in charge of your own life, but don't make the mistake of thinking that you can control it. Control is not the point, and there is a very important distinction between the two. I think one of the keys is that you stop putting your destiny in the wrong hands and decide what kind of people you want to interact with. These people will then be the right ones who facilitate your journey. It's always a two way street so you really must avoid manipulating or forcing other people to make things happen for you. Luckily at this time and age people have woken up to the advantages of networking so interaction with others can be quite fruitful. It's about a balance between being self-sufficient and acknowledging the need for other people. The truth and fluidity of being is a paradox somewhere between the two ways of being.

"Emotions 5/6", copyright Vivi-Mari Carpelan 2003

In my own life, I was deeply disappointed with people for a while after my relocation to a new country. It was a major issue for me, in fact it involved such deep feelings of despair that it took me over a year to get my act together. Then, after a lot of difficulties and exhaustion and feeling stuck, it was as if the wind changed. I had on the one hand reached a major decision that I wasn't going to put my destiny in the hands of "just anybody" and managed to rid myself of a lot of expectations on other people. On the other hand I also decided to embrace my chronic condition and decide to the represent disability arts. It was a major decision for me, as I had a lot of fear of being judged as wallowing in self-pity or being categorized as a loony. They were prejudices I had to overcome. It then turned out that I was now choosing a way of much less resistance than the alternative. I think it's important to remember that there are often alternatives, and when we cease to stubbornly hold onto a particular path, it turns out there is an easier one which is much better for you. This is my experience, anyway.

"Emotions 6/6", copyright Vivi-Mari Carpelan 2003

During the "exhalation" phase you are probably rushed with adrenaline and cortisol, the stress hormones, and will probably be eager to produce and be generally active. I can't sustain this state of being for very long and so it's very important that I unwind regularly. The other day my pulse was up at a whopping 96 as I was running around renovating the house. I did transformational Qigong for 20 minutes and my pulse went down to 72. A while later I did some deep breathing/meditation for a short while in bed and the pulse went down to 64. I thought this was fascinating evidence of the power of meditation practices.

It's interesting how inner decisions will lead to greater flow and how things just start to happen. It probably feels great. During this phase, it's useful to be outgoing and generous. I'm not saying it's a ride without any bumps. But if you follow your intuition - and this is of paramount importance - you will probably finally achieve some important goals on your journey. By goal I don't mean an end, but rather a milestone. It won't last, because it's not in the nature of reality to be stable. Embrace the changes that will happen in one way or another, and enjoy the rush while it lasts!

DERIVATIVE AND UNCREATIVE SPIRITUAL IMAGERY IS BAD ART!

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 14:48:00 +0000

There is an incredible lot of "noise" in the world today and especially on the internet. People are being even more inundated with information and it asks from everyone to start making more conscious choices as to what they let into their lives. But the downside is that people are very fatigued and unable to focus on anything but themselves. I mean come on, how can anyone take Facebook and Twitter seriously? Yet a lot of people keep posting trite updates about their day and don't necessarily interact very much with others. Various new addictions such as hoarding faceless "friends" over the internet probably lull people into a sense of false security of sorts.

Those who get tired of all this mindlessness will have to re-evaulate their attitudes on a regular basis. Everyone has access to means of vindicting themselves through social media, and while this is truly democratic the downside is that those who have something valuable to say are drowning in all the noise. I am personally starting to feel there is no point in trying to make myself heard anymore. I used to think I had valuable insights to share with other people. Well, I don't know if this is anylonger true and it makes me feel somewhat lost. I have to find meaning in my life in some other way. Perhaps realizing how unimportant you are is a spiritual lesson. At least you can make it into one, I suppose...

Me and my partner went through some collections of spiritual artwork the other day. I wanted to see what is out there, and although the person who had made this collection didn't give any credentials, it was still interesting to see. What struck us was how the same ideas are being rotated over and over... It gets incredibly boring to see all these images of a potentially enlightened person with all the chakras all lit up like a Christmas tree, intersecting triangles that express energy, and mandalas with the tree of life, the sun and the moon, the seasons... angels and fairies and sickly sweet children holding butterflies in their hands. Images of heaven that look like cold and barren cityscapes in pink. Yes, all of it is sickly sweet or just downright childish. But the main question is, can this nonetheless be representative of anything real and meaningful? Why do some people allegedly find this imagery inspiring? My feeling is that it's only representative of people's very limited and uncreative idea of true happiness and joy. It has nothing to do with the real world either here on this planet or anywhere else in any other dimension. I used to think, hm well maybe reality does look like that somewhere in the universe, in some dimension that is not as heavily dualist as this one. But when I saw this vast collection of images, all I saw were rosy daydreams, and I cannot for the life of me believe that such visions of reality are based in a real experience.

There is a problem in judging other people's experiences if we consider that people bring their inner imagery along with them wherever they go, even into the hereafter. The New Age has tried to use the idea that each and everyone creates their own reality as an argument for the necessity of taking responsibility for what you think and feel. Yet there is clearly also a collective reality, which everyone agrees upon. My conclusion has been that both viewpoints are true. I go by the idea that paradox is always at the base of any statement about reality. I feel that if this is valid on Earth, it's probably also valid in other dimensions. People may take along their imagery when they move away from their daily reality but I'm sure they will also be subjected to some form of objective reality that exists as a collective agreement of sorts. At least if they own some openness that allows them to see it...

So are all these sickly sweet images also part of some collective agreement on what reality "should" be in order for people to be happier? Well, I would say it's a collective agreement about the illusion of happiness. The image of a happy child holding a butterfly is maybe cute, but it can only exist as a flickering moment in time. The problem with images is that they make people believe that something can exist for a long period of time. It's almost as if people were trying to exhort a better reality by creating all this sweet imagery. To me it smacks of magical thinking. In other words, the more we enduce loveliness in pictures, the more it will enter into our lives. Whereas this may not be entirely false, I don't feel that such simplistic views of reality truly serve anyone in the long run. It should be clear by now, after so many years of the presence of New Age thought, that you cannot push negativity aside by focusing only on the positive. This leads to problems with the suppression of "the other side" of reality, i.e. that which is negative (and this will of course be individual to everyone).

But lastly, I want to bring in a word about bad art. Yes, all this so-called spiritual imagery is derivative and uncreative. It lacks in the personality and is therefore artistically speaking pretty much dead art. People who indulge in this kind of thinking are repeating spiritual symbols like parrots. It is the opposite of the true ascension of spirit. How can such art be stimulating to our spirit and soul? I would implore people to wake up from such extreme escapism... it's not doing anyone any good.

Artwork: "Contemplating the Nature of Triumph", copyright Vivi-Mari Carpelan 2011 - I sometimes like to express strength and positive emotion in my artwork but usually there is an underlying paradox of sorts. I hope however that the pieces that are more overtly positive are never trite.

ABOLISH POLYESTER UNDERWEAR!!

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 14:53:00 +0000

What?! You may say. Well, this motto came up when I googled myself a couple of times. I must have added that to an eco-site. But in fact, when I think of it, it really sums up what I believe in. First, there is a double morale regarding plastic. Here in the UK, they are trying to get people to buy less plastic bags. Yes I know they are usually used only once and then thrown away, so I am all for it. However, when I try and find clothes in clothes shops I find that at least 99 percent of the stuff in there is made of polyester or acrylic, and in some cases of viscose. It means that people are buying garments made of plastic and how is this supposed to be helping the world?? It's very clear that women buy the latest in fashion, use it once or twice because it's cheap, then recycle it so it ends up somewhere in Africa or with the poor in their own country. God knows where they end up after that - as some form of landfill no doubt, probably where it's definitely not supposed to be.

It totally pisses me off that you can only wear crap clothes if you're poor. You have to be incredibly rich to be able to buy decent materials. In fact, it's unbelievable that I have to fight for my right to wear proper clothes! And on top of this there are the global concerns of sustainability. Plastic can never be a sustainable material unless you use it were it really serves a function for a long time to come.

I think the idea of wearing plastic close to your most sensitive body parts is horrendous. First, you are dealing with a very bad energy. Basically, things made of oil tend to be this way. It hinders the flow of your own bodily energies. Secondly, if you're in fire, the plastic clothes will melt in a split second and stick to your skin forever. Not only are you creating more work for the plastic surgeons, but you are also creating the most horrible damage to yourself. Incidentally, cotton takes a long time to burn down. And as I said before, what happens to your underwear when you toss them? Surely you don't recycle them for the purpose of charity!

For god's sake, if you want to make a difference, start with yourself! Start with the thing that is the closest to you. I am not really a typical eco-warrior, because I don't see things in black and white most of the time. I think that the best I can do is to take care of my share, I don't have to carry every body else's responsibility on my shoulders. Both Martin and I are (at least we think we are!) quite level-headed about the pros and cons of various choices we make as consumers in a Western society. But I do have my gripes and polyester clothes is definitely one of them!! I'm in fact so sensitive to plastic that I can tell how big a percentage of polyester is in a material just by touching it and feeling how strong the electric currents are (and yes I am not kidding!). I want to add that viscose is not a great alternative, while it is better because it's made of cellulose, it's fabricated in a really toxic environment, and it doesn't feel good to my touch either. I can only wear it if I wear cotton underneath.

I tolerate up to 20 % polyester in a garment, and in fact I don't really have much of a choice since there is polyester even in woollen clothes. I admit that in the cases of very low percentage it does improve on the durability, so it may be warranted.

So, start with your most intimate choices and decide how you can better the world from that point of view. That is my five cents!

Artwork: Abstract digital photograph by author, all rights reserved

EGO FEARS AND THE METAPHYSICAL SIDE OF LIFE

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 13:05:00 +0000

Giorgio De Chirico: The Tower, 1913
This is one of my absolute favourite paintings.
I love the foreboding green sky, though
it's all really bathing in a warm light, and it's not cold or frightening,
in spite of oozing solitude.
There is comfort in the silence, you can almost hear the figures whispering...
or just silently contemplating something on their own, yet in harmony with each other.
And the architecture provides a sense of security,
as it rightly ought to do.

Metaphysical painting was invented by Giorgio De Chirico in Florence 1907. It actually has nothing directly to do with the otherworldly, but rather a sense of mystery behind the objects of our day-to-day existence. I have been at a loss for a while, not feeling particularly spiritual in any way whatsoever. My days are full, thanks to my husband various things are going on a lot of the time, and apart from that I am struggling with the relentless insomnia and the fact that medicines have stopped working for me. It is really all consuming. Apart from this, I am thinking a lot about art. What is it to me?

Yet there are two things regarding my spirituality that are quite obvious to me. One is that my ego is struggling with the fact that I am less recognized as an artist than I used to be back in Finland. It lead me to say to my husband, "No one seems to realize how famous I really am" - and of course he burst out laughing and added it to the sayings of Vivi-Mari. I'm embarrassed! I also fear that I will never leave that mark on the world that I always hoped to, that mark that was supposed to justify my sufferings in this life. It's an awkward conflict and I naturally hope to see it resolved at some point in the near future. I am now middle-aged and hence all too aware of the shortness of life... of the little that is left.

Giorgio De Chirico: The Secret of Love 1914

Renee Magritte: The Secret Life 1928

Max Ernst: The Sea 1924

The other issue is more positive. Well, let's start with the fact that I want to make art about life here on Earth, and so I feel that I will fall out of favour from anyone who feels that the purpose of art is to point at higher levels of consciousness. The integral community is really promoting art these days as well as debating what exactly comprises integral art. It's worth having a look at integralllife.com.. Because we are speaking of integral art rather than mystical art, I venture to say that it is an art that has a broader spectrum of interest. In all honesty I find a lot of the art presented in their gallery emotionally cold, analytical - and male. Whether talking about chronic illness and similar issues in order to raise awareness of the challenges of the physical reality could be seen as integral remains to be seen, but of course I think it can be the expression of a very profound vision with deeply spiritual implications and it should encompass our human emotions. It's what I feel called to do, in spite of the fact that it is a form of risk taking for me. Not only is it very self-disclosing and this I have trouble with these days, but it may also simply not work out very well and it may gain no audience whatsoever. There's my ego all fear struck again...In fact, I have to concede that I am not necessarily any more important than anyone else, shock horror!

Giorgio De Chirico: The Tower, 1913
I love the way the shadows are mysterious and comforting
rather than scary or in any way negative.

Anyway, the other issue is that of the metaphysical point of view, which has recently become much clearer to me than ever before. For one, I started to read the exhibition catalogue about Giorgio De Chirico and the artists he influenced (A Look Into The Invisible). I am still digging through some rather tedious scientific article in the beginning but believe there will be revelations to be had if I persevere. Can you not hear the silence and life of the objects above? And note that they are all about the sphere and the circle, perhaps meant to symbolize unity, harmony; in a sense the most perfect of forms? Perfection can be found in the most unlikely of places. Yet I prefer when it is imbued with human emotion; compassion, connection and warmth. The most abstract one is the one by Max Ernst, and while it remains intriguing to me, it also keeps me the coldest.

Can symbolism exist without a reference to the physical world? We tend to interpret the world symbolically, language being a basic form of symbolism. Yet how someone understands symbolism as a language and puts deeply meaningful symbols together to create bigger wholes is an art all its own, something not everyone is capable of. I think abstract art can only go so far in referring to something universal and deeply meaningful in a humanistic sense.

At the same time, I started photographing objects in my studio. Since that worked out quite well, I continued by taking photos of other parts of the house. In the end, I had a portfolio which was good enough to send off to a journalist who blogs about interior decoration, despite the fact that our house is very far from being completed. I've just always wanted to be able to do this and ended up doing it in spite of all the "buts". I guess this is how you proceed in life: you don't wait for things to be perfect before you act. You just do what you feel driven to do in spite of all the imperfections. This is largely how I lead my life as someone with a chronic illness. I try my best to make the most of what I have. Working around things is my speciality...

Martin had renovated the bedroom walls, and painted them a yellow ochre,
some of them have a saffron coloured glaze.
It's reminiscent of a Buddhist temple.
This is the notion I worked with, introducing all my red
and turqoise fabrics,
as well as more black and gold.
The floorboards will eventually be painted black.

Here are some of the close ups that give me a deeper sense of the mystery of objects and how they relate to each other (there are more in previous posts).

Photographing objects (I am calling the series "The Secret Lives of Objects") gave me this very strong sense of the being-in-the world of all these physical things and their interrelationships. This probably occurred because the objects were highlighted and isolated from their expanded environment. Suddenly I was able to grasp what Giorgio De Chirico was going on about. There is a mystery to be experienced right here, even in your very own home. There is a spirituality to be sensed where you least think to look for it. Everywhere is mystery. Colours and forms interact in harmony or disharmony, depending on the creator. It all reflects your soul, even the arrangements of fruit (often round!) in a fruit bowl.

WHAT TO DO WHEN PEOPLE DON'T CARE... THE CASE OF COMPASSION REVISITED

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 12:31:00 +0000

I've been feeling quite devoid of ideas regarding spiritual evolution. At times I've been feeling like a spiritual failure. I feel stupid, unevolved, undisciplined and highly flawed... who am to have any opinions on spiritual matters? Was it all just a dream that I was following all those years, a desire for deeper fulfilment that just isn't possible in this life? Perhaps letting go of the strife is the answer, but there's a fine line between letting go of non-constructive ideals while maybe starting to live life more authentically, and just giving up. All the bits about being human are poignant and often quite humiliating. The "double vision" is still there though, which means that life as such with all its worldly concerns is being attended to, while at the back of the mind are thoughts about what is important from a spiritual point of view. I guess I keep coming back to my old friend compassion, one of those spiritual ideals that always resonated strongly with me, but one that also seems increasingly difficult to attain. I'm sure the lack of fear of rejection and anger about the way others treat you would remove a lot of anxiety and neuroticism.

Well, sometimes I need to get all the frustration about other people out, yet going on and on about other people's flaws and unfair treatment isn't getting you anywhere. That's just amplifying neuroticism and negative feelings of all sorts. Let's just be practical about it. This may sound judgemental but after a reasonably long life of trying to connect with people I have realized that people are very preoccupied with themselves and it's not very often that they have innate empathy or a desire to develop this kind of trait. Numerous times I have looked at myself and wondered what I'm doing wrong or whether I'm projecting some lack of empathy myself, thus getting the same back. Other times I catch myself reaching out spontaneously, with a really heartfelt wish to give, and it tells me this is how I'd really like to be but I am often holding back because of bad experience. I'm not sure that there are any other reasons than that people are the way they are in this time and space. Someone might say, well it depends who's looking. That's true, but there is also an objective reality that we can get plenty of clues about if we look around. You have to accept that before you can change the way you see things subjectively, otherwise it'll just be a case of wearing rosy glasses.

Perhaps there are things in ourselves that really aren't quite in place. Perhaps, for instance, we aren't open enough. Radiant people attract others, that's for sure. But we can't all be radiant, or radiant at all times; it can be just a bit too much to ask of ourselves during times of illness and stress. There's no point trying to force it, though keeping the idea of who we'd really like to be at the back of our minds is probably helpful in the long run. Be gentle with yourself; this is the starting point of a compassionate attitude. It can also be the way towards having a healthier body. This attitude includes accepting that you aren't always at your best or even doing the best that you can. In the end "the best that you can" is just a relative ideal among many others - sometimes useful, but sometimes harmful too because it can create stress. Vulnerability, which makes us hold back, is one of those things that can only be overcome gradually, and very gently. We are humans in a very human world, and it's natural to expect a bit of reciprocation. To give and give before we have become free of any expectations is very heavy. We need to find a balance, a way of managing our energies before we are ready to release them freely. That's my guess anyway. Progress is slow at times.

Illness lowers the tolerance levels so much, not just physically, so it's much harder to have a positive attitude towards others. At the Chronic Babe Forum I see a lot of people who are "almost conscientious to a fault" as one of the girls expressed it. So much good intention and also a lot of frustration because of it - no wonder so many of these people get ill. In the end we just have to try and puzzle all these nonsensical bits together and see how we can best express ourselves in spite of the adversities. Avoiding the bitterness-trap with all its expectations of others could be a major life challenge, perhaps even a reason things are the way they are and people treat us the way they do.

Artwork: Digital Photograph, "Beckoning Shadows III", by author, all rights reserved 2011

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE A SPIRITUAL PERSON?

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 12:17:00 +0000

I'm sure many of us question our spiritual path at times. In spite of much effort there isn't always that much to show for. Or so it seems. In times of doubt, I've had to go back in time to the moment I had my own personal "revelation"which lead to a lot of research into esotericism and soul searching. The revelation was just an insight, nothing very spectacular. I recently watched some episodes of the iconic TV series "Kung Fu" from 1973, the one that made me cry buckets because the perfect use of the body and the disciplined mind in synergy was something that I really wanted for myself. I wanted to do Kung Fu but knew my back problem wouldn't allow it. Well, in the end I did it anyway; I did a first part and received the first belt. It was incredibly hard work, more than I was physically capable of, and it cured my desire for more. I got it out of my system - fortunately, because I wouldn't have been able to go onto the next stage because of my back problem being more obviously in the way.

So now I have revisited the TV series, but this time it just made me sad that my life is far removed from the ideals presented there. Rocked by emotions, temper and judgmental thought, and at the mercy of physical ailments I am... while desperately trying to raise the level of chi and trying to fit in some creative work into the day, I become aware of all the strife involved in the pursuits of a better life or way of being. Illness can force you onto your knees, as managing yourself and your attitudes becomes oh so much harder. It's easy enough to be positive and generous towards life and other beings when you're well and strong. Doubt about yourself and others creep in more easily when you're weak and tired. There are many challenges to face on a daily basis. There is very little time for all the things I should do in order to keep fit, to balance the energy level, to raise chi and to purify the mind through meditation practice, work with emotions, mindfulness, and simply talking sense to myself. Of course, if you believe in reincarnation then you will have faith that this was meant to be, that these collectively hard times are helping you grow as well. As someone recently comforted me, it isn't the weakest students that get the hardest lessons..

Ironically, the challenges are sometimes quite the opposite to what we think they are supposed to be. For instance, positive thinking is not an end in itself, because that would just be a way of denying the negative that is intrinsic to a polarised attitude. You can't become an unconditionally loving person just by willing it, because you will be a fake and you will simply be suppressing negative tendencies. Sooner or later it will become apparent. The process is much trickier, as you must gradually work your way through the inner bullshit and find a way out of false or fake attitudes. Meanwhile, trying not to be so hard on yourself as you recognize that a judgemental attitude towards the self is just as detrimental as it is towards others. Does this sound familiar? Then you are no doubt a spiritual person. You're such a person because you care about these things. You want to get it right. And you may not even know exactly why. Perhaps you had some deep mystical experience that helped you in this direction, maybe not. It's not important. What matters is the way you feel about the purpose of your life when you are being really honest.

There are people who engage in spiritual or religious activities for a while but then turn their back on them in disillusionment. If you don't feel the calling of spirit that persists through adversity and set backs, then it's not your path. Sometimes I wish I could turn my back on all of it, as it creates much trouble in my life! Sometimes I think I have actually done just that, because momentarily I don't feel the compulsion to bring spirituality into something I'm doing or working on. I wonder though if maybe it's a healthy way of being, as not only do you need to give yourself some respite, but you also need to take stock of life on a practical level and all the elements that make up our day-to-day reality. Sometimes a bit of "normality" can be very restful. But it may also allow you to look at spirituality in a new light, and discover how it's intrinsic to all these elements and that your compulsive attention is not always required. If spirituality is your path, the spirituality will be there regardless of your efforts to engage in it. I think in life we need a balance between ordinary life and the grand spiritual ideals, otherwise we might become obsessed and out of sync with the way things really are. The fact that someone is doing meditation three hours a day is no guarantee that their life is any more spiritual than that of someone who just lives life mindfully regardless what comes along.

Then, to finish this off, there is the issue of mystical experiences. Remember, that as long as they have a beginning and an end, they are part of illusory reality. Some people have them, others don't. I don't think that is a measure of spiritual success. I think it just depends what kind of life you have chosen to live (since I believe there is a path of destiny). I know that people who seem genuinely psychic can seem intimidating, as if they have gained some great spiritual wisdom that you are not ready for yet. But this is just an assumption on your part, and may not be true at all. Being psychic can be just as much a challenge to deal with as anything else in life. It's easy enough to beat yourself up because you don't have them like some other people, or allow yourself to feel inferior. Well, maybe that's your spiritual challenge!

GOODBYE TO THE OLD NEW AGE... OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 14:19:00 +0000

Many of those who are my age group will remember the 1980s and 1990s as a time of exciting spiritual discoveries and the testing of many different belief systems. The very definition of the New Age is its eclecticism, the famous spiritual smorgasbord from which the individual could choose what they felt attracted to and create their very own unique world view. Mixing and matching was in. Though I never confessed to the New Age or any other form of religious or spiritual beliefs with ardour and conviction, I guess in a sense I had one foot in the New Age field and one in the Transpersonal or Integral field (as the Wilberian system of thought is called today). While the New Agey way of being is still inspiring people to become spiritual seekers, it does seem to me that the heydays are over. We threw a great party but now is time to sober up!

Of course, as always this a subjective point of view. But I've been thinking how there was a sort of spiritual wave movement and how it seems to have started to settle. Eclecticism just doesn't seem to have the allure it once had. You can only mix and match if you believe the systems you're referring to are relevant to your life in some way. Being a spiritual omnivore looks a bit wishy washy and undecided to me. People running around attending a lot of spiritual seminars all the time are often just spending time, distracting themselves rather than addressing the real issues of their lives. It seems important to me that people don't get hooked on holding onto old ideals but embrace new ways of being, as well as decide on who they really are and where that could take them in the future. What kind of person do you want to be rather than what kind of different person do you want to be? Perhaps this should take precedence to the belief system; maybe it's more important than concerning oneself with what kind of spirituality is defining one's identity.

I settled on a world view after ten years of research, and it hasn't changed much since then. Practical life took over and dealing with emotions became the focal point. Every now and again I revisit theories or here say about the current spiritual situation, mostly by checking things out on the internet. What I've noticed in myself is that there are two fundamental problems. On the one hand I don't feel a lot of excitement about either new age ideas or integral theory - most of the time I'm yawning or even feeling annoyed and only rarely do I sense a spark of interest as in "wow this I can apply to my life!". Most things just seem to complicated and/or hypothetical. On the other hand there's an inner conflict which is tearing me apart. I don't seem to be able to reconcile an expression of spirituality with the less spiritual side of life. I feel like a chameleon, trying too hard to adapt to different groups of people and ideologies. This is very obvious when I write for a general public, or make artwork. I feel uncomfortable about being overtly spiritual and talking in spiritual terms. I've been beating myself up over this, thinking that I'm just not focused enough... not spiritual enough... etc... but maybe it's really a sign that I should pay attention to?

Ken Wilber (check out the loft series at www.integrallife.com) has been talking a lot about bringing a contemporary form of spirituality into every day life as most of what religion used to represent has become redundant. In general, religions represent exoteric ways of approaching spirituality - it's mostly a dualist world view with a God who is separated from the individual. Rituals and ceremonies pay an important role in this kind of thinking. Modern spirituality, on the other hand, is mainly esoteric and inwards looking. God is not seen as separate from the creation, on the contrary human beings are co-creators of this reality. In other words, we are not subject to some divine rule but intrinsically part of the divine and all that is. I agree with the idea that we are one with everything and more powerful than what meets the eye. But I also think that at this point in historic time there is a limit to how creative an individual can be, and that there's a danger in starting to force oneself to become more than what is humanly possible at any given moment. This is mainly where opinions differ among spiritual people. I have been fretting over this dilemma for the past ten years as I have felt pressure to perform better than I really feel able to. So how can I get away from all these inner conflicts?

Well, perhaps the solution is to become more centred in who one really is in this moment, in this place, in this body, at this point in historic time. It's almost as if spirituality has become as uncomfortable as religion. For different reasons, yes. But maybe it's time to move on and become less focused on the whole issue of spirituality. What I sense is that spirituality can easily keep us in a dualist position even when the belief system is about oneness. Whether it be fairies, angels and crystals (the New age) or levels, stages and quadrants (Integral Theory), it can really all just become distractions and a form of entertainment. In the end, the reality of life as such is usually a different matter altogether. I want to uncover my authentic self as it manifests itself in this time and place. Do I really need any paraphernalia or pretty theories to do so? To me, the answer is no. It's surprising how difficult it is to see yourself exactly as you are right now, without all the striving and manifesting to become happier and more spiritual. This has been said before, for instance Chogyam Trungpa talked about "spiritual materialism" already a long time ago. It was all about people who are taking on the spiritual cloak and pursuing spiritual ideals much as people pursue material possessions.

Spirituality as much as religion and other forms of belief systems (ecological thinking being a case in point) tend to become another set of rules with a great deal of restrictions attached to them. "Can't do this, can't do that..." - well this is not really embracing "all that is" and reaching for the experience of real oneness. Instead, dualism and polarisation really kicks in. Very often the restrictions don't even make a lot of sense, they exist because they seem to be a way towards greater approval by some authority or another, or because they make people feel secure. As soon as you think, "that person is not as spiritual as me", you're deep in trouble. You have drawn a clear dividing line between yourself and someone else. The tendency of the mind to polarise is, per se, a normal thing, but when it's done in the name of spirituality it becomes a very false attitude indeed.

My point, however, is that there comes a time when even spirituality itself becomes redundant. Instead, this could at least for some of us be a time to sink into ourselves and exist as exactly the person we happen to be in this particular life. Perhaps you're someone who will ascend in 2012. Perhaps you're not. Accepting that you don't know which you are could be quite liberating. Perhaps there is no ascension at all or maybe it's very different from here say. You know some things of a spiritual nature with great certainty but equally, you don't know many things with certainty. Liberate yourself and accept that this is true to who you are right now. What is valid and relevant, right now? Quietly discard the old and accept the new. It could be a greater connection to life through the heart, after all, an evolutionary step towards greater heart centredness has been predicted. If this is true it means that it's there for us to receive if we are able to open up to it. Yet my point is that we cannot open up to the simplicity of the heart's beauty if we keep distracting ourselves with shiny things and grand ideals. Do what you feel you need to do (e.g. keep the body/mind in sync) and stop worrying about whether it's spiritual or not! I think this kind of respect for the self is the true essence of self-love.

Artwork: An old postcard from the 1980s. This is how I feel a lot of the time!

THE CURRENT SPIRITUAL SITUATION AND ALL THOSE ASCENSION IDEALS...

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 14:44:00 +0000

I asked my husband to help me do some searches on the internet because he's so good at coming up with search terms. I have been feeling as if it's very hard to breathe, and in general felt pretty under the weather for no apparent reason. Well, one reason might have been some issues and worries about my mother but the feeling continued and didn't seem to make sense. Maybe it's just the weather and low pressure (literally feeling "under the weather", ha!). Perhaps this climate isn't very good for me. I was curious though whether there was anything going on cosmically speaking. We looked up "cosmic weather reports" and such, but could find nothing of any interest. At best there were explanations about the current situation of global economy and how it's all still a great mess. Apparently a few days there was a full moon and a constellation that might have brought out some emotional issues.

We then looked up some lightworkers to see if there are any signs of life and if there are thoughts about what's going on from an esoteric point of view. Well in fact the big site lightworkers.org was not available (it seemed to have disappeared but it could have something to do with our server). We figured they had all ascended! Oops. There are many very pink (ok read gaudy and utterly tasteless) sites out there that are basically just repeating the same old, and nobody seems to have anything very new and thought provoking to say. "The ascension symptoms" is still the same old list of issues and as my husband said, it really just sounds like being human! From my point of view, many of them sound a lot like fibromyalgia which of course is increasingly common within the female population. Some of the issues are of a more spiritual nature but I'm sure that people who have a lot of mystical experiences are quite aware of what they are and don't need to read about them from a list... Anyhow, maybe it's a good thing if there aren't too many predictions out there (or maybe I just didn't find them) - perhaps the truly evolved are hesitant to say things that could be misinterpreted.

The whole idea of putting labels on things so that people fit into categories seems very perilous to me. Many people so want to feel special and part of an elite. Very often people are not what you think they are anyway, looks may be very deceiving! People have a frame of reference for deciding on what kind of level others are, and it may be very false. In reality we are probably all here for very different reasons.

And seriously - too many times I have already heard people who claim to be psychic say oops, things didn't go according to plan because not enough people were ready for spiritual changes. It doesn't take much to see that most people are still in a state of oblivion and not very interested in self-development, struggling to survive in times of great global imbalance. It takes time, here on Earth, for collective evolution to take place. I don't know how much time but I am not surprised that profound changes aren't instant. At them moment, collective insanity is definitely increasing, but I certainly hope we have reached the peak!

It occurred to me, that the fact that I have no clear feelings on the subject of ascension is maybe that there aren't any to be had. I do think there's an acceleration of evolution on the collective and individual levels, and I am quite certain of this. In fact all you need to do is just look around and see how society is speeding up, and this is obviously not isolated from the individual psyche. It seems dangerous though to read too much into these things, to hypnotize yourself into believing in hypotheses. To be centred in yourself or at least attempt to be, is the best way to be in my opinion. Flirtation with religious concepts often takes people away from who they really are, something which needs to be acknowledged and integrated before they can expect significant spiritual changes. I am not saying there aren't people who aren't very evolved, but don't ever make the mistake of comparing yourself with them. We are not here to compete, in fact we need to get out of the habit of comparing ourselves with others. Note what's going on and decide what sort of person you really want to be. Then keep this in mind at all times. Avoid putting on the role of the happy happy lovey dovey person if this is not who you are naturally. Too many people who are interested in self-development simply take on a new persona and think they have solved their problems - it's a kind of spiritual role playing and highly deceptive.

Positive thinking is an anti-thesis to negative thinking and will therefore not remove negativity. It's a polarised way of thinking that keeps you stuck in dualistic behavioural patterns. You cannot force these things, only gently acknowledge your negativities and see what you can do to break the patterns. One important thing is to give up some of the control we are so used to exercising, but doing it in the right kind of way! You don't just decide to rely on the universe providing you with everything... we do need to be proactive and responsible, not passive. We need syntheses and ways of integrating life as it is while gently working towards greater emotional openness. Gently, I say - myself and others (anecdotally anyway) have sometimes worked with ourselves so much we have become too open too soon, and the heart energies have gone all wiry and in some cases even worse things have occurred. One becomes vulnerable but not resilient - herein lies a danger. To dare open up again from having been too open to attack becomes the focus of some new inner work.

I find it deeply disturbing that the ascension ideas have driven a wedge between "the evolved" people and the ones who are not. Again I'm not saying everyone sees it this way but I think a lot of the talk out there can reinforce elitist thinking in immature individuals. We also have to remember that there are many, many chronically ill people who really have a hard time keeping up with everything. Their task is sometimes immense, and should be respected rather than spit on as the result of their own inability to create a better reality. At best it can be a noble task.

It's a bit telling when someone posts an advert about a book about Kuthumi in the comments section on my blog. From Wikipedia: "According to Theosophy, Kuthumi is considered to be one of the members of the Spiritual Hierarchy called the Masters of the Ancient Wisdom which oversees the development of the human race on this planet to higher levels of consciousness. In the Ascended Master Teachings, Kuthumi is one of the Ascended Masters who collectively make up the Great White Brotherhood." I do take objection to the fact that someone posts adverts on my blog - it is not a very evolved way of acting. As for ascended masters and all that... well believe in it if you feel it's important to you, but don't feel obliged to. You may have a different sort of spiritual life that doesn't include beings from other dimensions. You are, after all, on Earth! There's plenty enough to focus on right here... beware of getting distracted by shiny things and what appear to be elevated ideals of other dimensions!

I do think that some people have very heavy and difficult lessons to learn, and it may be the greatest purpose of their current existence. It can be very disconcerting not to know for sure why you feel a lot of things that appear not even to come from yourself. On the other hand, you may have surges of self-developmental reactions that are peculiar to yourself at any given time. Not dwelling on this too much but trying to do something creative with it would be my advice. For what it's worth! Also, there are people who are very serious about spiritual evolution and who are acting it out in the world rather than outside of it, not afraid of including all aspects of being into their belief systems.

MY TAI CHI PHOTO IN THE NEWSPAPER AND OTHER NEWS...

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 17:55:00 +0000

My photo was in the local newspaper County Times, but unfortunately Alan Jefferies's Tai Chi class didn't get more space than this, and my photo was not credited. It's also cropped... How fortunate Alan chose this particular photo as one with smaller figures would have looked ridiculous in such a small space! Martin, my husband, was well dressed in black! We shall take part, hopefully the weather gods will be benevolent!

See more photos from the photo shoot here (scroll down a bit on the page).

I'm also pleased to have been chosen to partake in the Shrewsbury photography month in August! Two of my older abstacts will be at The Shrewsbury Coffee House.

A DREAM ABOUT FINDING ONESELF...

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 11:45:00 +0000

One should never make the mistake of thinking that Islam has nothing to offer. It's easy to be influenced by a lot of negative propaganda. Nonetheless, there are many strands that promote all the good things such as compassion and mindfulness. While there are exoteric forms of the religion - i.e. ones that focus only on rituals and other external ceremonies and behavioural patterns - there are also esoteric forms which focus on the inner life of the individual. Sufism is the most known esoteric belief system in the Arabic world.

Nonetheless, I never found myself drawn to Islam and didn't read much about it at Uni. I think in my mind I see it as a bit of an antithesis to my own belief system even though in reality it's a bit unfair to parts of it. Some cultures just don't click! Therefore it was interesting that I had a dream about Islam.

I had lost my car, I couldn't remember where I had parked it, and most cars were the same colour (my cars have always been silver). This tends to be a recurrent theme in many of my dreams. As I was looking for it I came across a congregation of Muslims in a street corner. My impression of them was a good one. I had seen the same one in the morning, but in the evening I decided to join in. I suspected I had lost a piece of garment there and I did get it back from a kind looking boy. I felt drawn into the ceremonies and enjoyed a surprising sense of peacefulness that almost made me a bit uncomfortable because they were performing exoteric rituals. Still it felt esoteric, as it touched my heart. I was reluctant to leave. I received a pendant, round with a cross I believe, but had to give it back at the end because I was new.

So what does it all mean? Perhaps, that I feel a bit lost in the sense that I can't seem to find or 'hold onto' my inner self and motivation at the moment (the lost car). I feel that I am lost among so many other creative people (the cars were all silver coloured, which denotes intuition and subconscious riches). Yet there it was, right in front of me and in the open; a form of spirituality that I had not expected. It looked so different from what I thought spirituality was going to be for me. But in keeping an open mind I was able to be touched by it. I received some form of initiation but only for the moment. Perhaps it represented something I am not quite ready for just yet, but it's there for me if I want it. Wholeness, harmony and stability (the round shape with a cross) and a connection with the inner self that I could have with me at all times (a necklace). The congregation was marked by kindness and soulfulness. I recall most of the beautiful garments and objects were golden, a symbol of authentic spirituality.

BLOGLOVIN...

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 18:16:00 +0000

Apparently I'm having to post this in order to get listed...
Follow my blog with Bloglovin

CELEBRATION! 100 Posts

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 13:30:00 +0000

I am celebrating the fact that this is my 100th post by trying out a new template! Well, I am not really counting this as a post so it will be the next one.

DO YOU HAVE TO SUFFER FOR YOUR ART?

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 16:26:00 +0000

Creativity and the Shadow in a Dualist World

An Article

Most people who ponder the meaning of artistic creativity ask themselves whether hardships and suffering are conducive to good art. It is still very much an open question and therefore worthy of more contemplation. In the following, I will talk about the nature of creativity in general as well as attempt to address this controversial topic from my personal point of view. One of my guiding themes is the dualist nature of reality which echoes the way we orientate ourselves (up/down, light/dark, good/evil, positive/negative, etc.), but is also responsible for the fact that our minds are incessantly taking sides (if one thing is perceived as positive, its opposite will undeniably be negative). Another theory that governs my thinking is the Jungian concept of the Shadow. It is the part of our psychological reality that is not readily accessed by every day consciousness, yet another truly significant consequence of the dualism I've been talking about. Not only does it play an important role in the artistic process as subconscious material tends to surface when you express yourself, but I will also argue that it plays an important role in truly meaningful art as it mirrors the collective shadows that make this reality into such an intriguing place to be.

I did not have a happy childhood, but my parents were professional photographers and so I got used to hearing arguments about imagery, and looking through photomagazines became a favourite past time of mine. My mother tried to encourage me to be creative, but all that I remember of that is that she wanted to prevent me from using any premade drawing patterns and insisted that I exercise the faculty of observation instead. I was emotionally blocked and probably not particularly creative, although I obviously had a talent for artistic expression that was encouraged at school. When I think back I find it rather curious that I was the only one at school who was any good at drawing. Because I had no challenging competition, my abilities in this area were never questioned. I have no doubt this gave me the confidence to enter the the world of art later on in life.

To begin with, I didn't have the confidence to make fine art. I was admitted to Helsinki University in my native country where I studied philosophy and the history of art for a few years. I was rather good at analyzing other people's work, but at some point I had to ask myself whether my approach was in fact purely intellectual and not emotionally attuned. I also wondered whether there was a well of creativity somewhere deep within myself that I had yet to discover.

I thus set out to uncover my stealthed emotions and find out about any potential creativity that might be lurking in the subconsciuos mind. I made it through the entrance exams in an arts college in the South of France where I did a year of general arts. After this, I was accepted to a college in Normandy where I did graphic design for a year and illustration for two years. Looking back, I think it would have been rather nice to have gotten a proper fine arts education, but if I am to be honest it was probably illustration that helped trigger a sudden ability to express myself artistically. While studying my dreams I was jolted into a spontaneous, rather illustrative, symbolic expression that has been mine ever since.

Curiously, creativity was not encouraged at L'Ecole des Beaux-Arts. I found that most teachers were geared into negativity and praise was rare. This made it very hard for me to find any joy in what I was doing, and completing the assignments was incredibly laborious. I was young and stubborn, yet I only persevered for four years until returning to Helsinki University. This time I took up comparative religion and wrote my MA thesis in 1999 about the ontological status of creativity within the New Age movement. I wanted to know all that there was to know about creativity, but this time I took the intellectual approach and only used this particular form of spirituality as a pretext for my research.

I had noticed, that creativity was an often talked about phenomenon in New Age circles, and that it seemed to own a rather peculiar status. This status was ontological, which means that there is an assumed equation mark between creativity and the basic nature of reality. In other words, in this view creativity is a fundamental to life. I found that the arguments went back to Quantum Physics and the idea that on a sub atomic level there is a boundless sea of creative potentiality waiting to come into existance. Especially the quantum physics David Bohm and Danah Zohar did a good job in demonstrating this viewpoint. From an esoteric point of view, it is the mysterious spiritual force called Kundalini that owns the same ontological status within every human being. This is an ancient sanskrit term adopted by the East looking modern spiritual adepts, and it is commonly thought that “rising the Kundalini”, in other words awakening a dormant subconscious energy, enhances creativity and over all well being, as well as helps connect with higher levels of consciousness. In fact, this force is interlinked with evolution itself (and by this I specifically mean the evolving mind or consciousness although in a general sense it covers all of life). It appears that this force is always active to some extent, which accounts for a general ability to be creative. Various blocks within the human energy field prevents this force from functioning in a harmonious way. Over stimulation of the Kundalini force can, on the other hand, have disastrous results. The unprepared psyche could go into psychosis, nor would the body be able to handle such a powerful energy. Personally, I find this a totally fascinating and very rewarding theory about the nature of the psyche.

Over the centuries, various esoteric cosmologies have pointed to the idea that reality sprouts from one source, a divine “all that is”, the very matrix of reality, and that in fact, the created and the creator are one and the same. The artist, who is the obvious exemplary of creativity, would be the conduit of reality's basic tendency to manifest creativity out of pure potentiality which in a paradoxical sort of way is underlying reality but of it at the same time. The rise of individualism instigated philosophy that pondered the real nature of the subject and the object, and how this dualism was part and parcel of evolutionary progress as, in Hegel's terms, thesis and antithesis gave rise to synthesis.

Modern spiritual views have found a scientific argument in the research done by the quantum physics, especially the theory that the observer of a phenomenon will affect the nature of the observed object. Without going into all the complicated details and consequences of this way of thinking, I wish to bring out the rather exciting thought that the creative person is intrinsically connected to the creative product. In a sense we cannot avoid expressing ourselves precisely the way we truly are unless we manipulate our products in order to ingratiate ourselves with someone else. By expressing yourself authentically, be it through suffering or joy, you are expressing what really is in a deeper existential way. The division between subject and object may thus be an illusion, if we are to believe the idea that dualism is just one of the mind's way of making sense of reality. One might even go as far as suggesting along with many esoteric thinkers that we create our own reality, yet this time I will have to leave this open to interpretation. Nonetheless I urge anyone who is seriously interested in the subject to allow themselves this thought experiment. Personally, I have found dualism to be the very fabric of the messages I wish to bring forth in my art and writing.

Esoterics aside, I think that as soon as you look at creativity as an inherent part of being human, it changes your perpective altogether. To me it is very much a force that can never be completely eliminated, and it will always look for an outlet in one way or another. When you think about it, creativity really does sprout in the most dire of circumstances. It is literally all around us. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, especially known for his theory on the flow creative moments, has remarked that the less options people are faced with, the more likely they are to be creative. This suggests that restrictions can be beneficial to creativity. On the other hand, if the mind is very shattered and unable to focus, you are not very likely to enter the flow characterized by great creative inspiration.

Although we are naturally creative and have a complex civilization to show for, it is also quite clear when we look around us that some people are incredibly creative and some are much less so. My impression is that people do need a driving force, a real fiery passion, in order to be truly creative. I don't really think it matters what this driving force is. It could be a general desire be expressive of the self and to communicate this with others, or it could be the sense of “mission” so that a certain topic becomes the goal of creative acts. Emotional dysfunction can be a hindrance, but it seems that it isn't necessarily responsible for creative draught. I was in my teens when I started to have a very pressing need to write about my own lack of emotional connection. In actual fact, a lot of what I wrote was insightful and creative, and when I didn't write I felt disconnected from a mysterious and indefinable inner source. Later on, I equated creativity with being able to create images, but I can now see that the reason I felt this way was that I had more trouble finding my personal visual expression. Once I found it, I was able to churn out a great deal of artwork about my emotional process, and this was a goal in itself. When I had reached a point in life where I was emotionally open, I also felt that I had said all there was to say about the really important things in life. Part of it was being less emotionally tormented, and part of it was a feeling that spiritually, I knew where I stood and had no pressing desire to explore it further through my art. On top of this, I also felt exhausted from years of hard work in putting up exhibitions. Since my health has always been frail, in fact there was much suffering involved in getting the art to the public.

There is a kind of luminous state of mind, a state of something that could be divine inspiration. I have felt it sometimes, either writing or coming up with imagery. I dug up so much emotional material after years of working with myself that I got rather swamped in it all and I do feel that in a sense all this obscured some of the luminosity. We can only be what we are at any given moment, and in the end it is all part and parcel of the human condition and life in the widest sense of the word. I believe that one can get very self-absorbed and sollipsistic about certain shadows, and lose sight of what is truly important. It's easy to think one has a mission of sorts when it's really only serving an egotistic purpose. Yet sometimes I feel a need to express a problem of the collective shadow as if this issue has relevance in a greater sense and has an illuminated quality about it.

There was indeed a turning point about ten years ago. I had been very driven to create images that expressed the conflict I experienced from living in a dualist reality. However, rather than being torn by this conflict, I sought reconciliation and acceptance. My pieces expressed a tension between a belief in a higher form of reality and the real life struggles to survive physically and emotionally. The paradox that came out of this tension is what I believe makes my pieces unique. Apart from attempting to uncover my own “Shadows” in the Jungian sense, a medical condition I deal with since childhood was the reason for many of the negative feelings I was experiencing. Nonetheless, I felt I was making pictures in which other people could mirror themselves, and people did indeed buy my all of my art. I trusted that even if they didn't know why a piece attracted them, they could sense my intentions subconsciously, but also make up their own story whenever necessary. It was all about sharing with the aim of helping others to understand their own difficulties. And hardships do help me understand more about life and the human condition. Yet it also goes without saying that some circumstances are overwhelming and stifling, and for instance financial difficulties often stop artists in their tracks.

My medical condition was, however, also responsible for the fact that I had to change from drawing and painting to collaging. My view of reality was at this point becoming more complex, and it seems to me that this was also reflected in my art. Did I still have anything valuable to say? I keep on going, realizing that my life's work was always going to be more about understanding the shadow side of life rather than pointing to the sunshine, and I accept this as a fact about my life's purpose. Although in reality I embrace both sides of life, I feel an urgency in helping to clarify the issues about the human psyche that make things go wrong. In fact, even creation itself can entail a bit of suffering as I struggle to focus and get it right. In my case, I believe suffering has been a prerequisite to the creation of my art – it is art with a message about the human condition and ways to improve it. I think it is perfectly possible to create art which is not based in suffering and only in passion, but I would question its deeper significance in this time and age. However, I believe there is nothing wrong with a piece of happiness on your wall or in your space if that's what makes you feel better about life. In the end, all things are relative in a dualistic world.

© Vivi-Mari Carpelan 2011. Any anauthorised use of this article is strictly prohibited.

The factual references in this article were taken from my MA thesis:

Carpelan, Vivi-Mari 1999

Vid kreativitetens källa. Kreativitetens ontologiska status inom den nyandliga världsbilden

Avhandling Pro Gradu, Religionsvetenskapliga institutionen, Helsingfors Universitet

Relevant Literature:

Bohm, David 1998

On Creativity. Edited by Lee Nichol. London & New York: Routledge.

Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly 1996

Creativity. Flow and Psychology of Discovery and Invention. New York: Harper Collins Publishers.

Hanegraff, J. Wouter 1996

New Age Religion and Western Culture. Esotericism in the Mirror of Secular Thought. (Studies in the History of Religions, vol LXXII). Leiden, New York, Koln: E.J. Brill.

Mokerjee, Ajit 1983

Kundalini. The Arousal of the Inner Energy. London: Thames & Hudson.

Sannella, Lee (M.D) 1987

The Kundalini Experience. Psychosis or Transcendence? California: Integral Publishing

Zohar, Danah 1990

The Quantum Self. Human Nature and Consciousness Defined by the New Physics. New York: Quill.

Zweig, Connie & Abrams, Jeremiah (ed.) 1991

Meeting the Shadow. The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature. New York: G.P. Putnam's Sons.

Friendship in Mid Life: Crisis and Beyond

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Wed, 11 May 2011 15:21:00 +0000

When I started to write about this particular topic, I quickly found myself stuck, rethinking and rewriting a lot. It can only mean that it's a diffiuclt subject for myself, but I will still try and sort out some main concerns.

In the past, I have talked quite a lot about the interaction between people on internet forums. In general, my experiences have showed me that people easily forget all about good manners when they don't have to deal with you in real life. I too, have made mistakes; I easily open up and pour out all about my inner life and personal challenges, and of course it's going to irritate people or give them an incentive to be helpful in the wrong way. Many people, especially ones who work as healthcare professionals or have recently awoken to the new age spirituality, can be a bit over-eager to help someone they perceive of as needy. Oh how embarrasingly easy to slip into the victim mode even just a tiny little bit! We all do it - well most of us anyway - yet it's one of the hardest things to admit. And people can be very cruel in their dogmatic rigidity.

My inner alarm goes off when I get a sneaking suspicion that they are not particularly in tune with who I am and what I do but more interested in my 'issues'. I have learned valuable lessons in mirroring my own issues and the frustrations I have felt because of the responses from other people, but also about not continuing to project my need to talk to other people about the more personal challenges onto people I have never even met in real life. I have to have a very good feeling in order to go onto that level with anyone online. It's all about gut feeling or intuition - staying mindful is the key. The discernment I learned to exercise was nonetheless conditioning me to a kind of paranoia that carried over to real life - this was an over alertness that needed to calm down.

For a number of years the internet was an important outlet for my social needs, but eventually my real-life situation changed and I was very relieved to leave that stage behind. Blessed were real life people - I no longer took them for granted! I had seen a lot of depressing things, and preferred to continue leading my life knowing much less about other people's shadow sides. I rather turn a blind eye to a lot of it, something which strangely seems easier to do out in the real world as opposed to the confines of the internet. I don't need to deal with other people's neuroses. This is not to say that in a way, other people's neuroses aren't part of you, because in life you see what you need to see in order to learn your lessons of life.

The importance of saying no to all that cannot be over estimated, however. Perhaps it's a sign of maturity, a way of finally establishing healthy boundaries and recognizing you don't need all this mirroring and extreme emotion. Maybe you're just growing old, or even becoming more self-centred and conceited, having decided that people aren't worth your time. Whatever the reason, you do need to learn to filter your experiences in order to be less scattered, overwhelmed, confused and lacking in groundedness. You no longer have quite the strength and stamina to tackle the misery that abounds, whether it be conscious and ostentatiously out there, or subconscious and hidden from direct view. The idealism of youth is dissipating, changing into a more level-headed attitude to life. I never thought of myself as idealistic, but I can now see that I have been that way a bit in the past. The passion and ardour with which I pursued my 'mission' is no longer obvious, and I am yet to find what exactly will replace it. I believe that opening up to an equanimity that will help deal with this in a less pessimistic manner is vital, but I also think that you cannot know to look for this unless you have already experiences what is normally part of becoming middle-aged. It's easy to make excuses and give up in the name of old age; this is not what maturity should really be about.

The scary thing about the fatigue of mid life is that many people probably feel the same. While it was cool to get to know other people when you were young, and chatting was often deeply inspired and intense, it almost grinds to a halt when you reach middle age. It's rare to find a kindred spirit who also has time to spend chatting away. In general, striking up real friendship becomes slower and more arduous, because no one wants to get hurt and rejected again, nor do they wish to spend their limited resources on people outside of their family or work. People with some intelligence remember and imagine all the things that go wrong between people, and hesitate to take yet another risk. While I feel tired myself, and for good reasons, I also wish to counteract some of this tendency, as it can lead to complacency and unwillingness to embrace different ways of thinking and living life - you can lose the ability to listen to others. Self-acceptance mirrors the acceptance of others. It's a ping-pong effect, as more acceptance of others probably fosters more self-acceptance, and vice versa. It's complex and in this area, self-sabotage happens very easily. Very often people start competing to reject each other first. It's important however, not to dwell on who's to blame, especially be careful about simplistic new agey concepts such as self-rejection which hardly helps anyone in the facing of their blocks.

There is a spiritual viewpoint, which suggests that anything you react to outside of yourself is really only tickling your own repressed shadow issues. In other words, no one is 'doing' anything to you, but you are experiencing an emotional response because you have a problem. If you feel that people reject you, maybe you have a subconscious tendency to reject others. This tendency might show itself as defensive mannerism and jugmental attitudes. Maybe you're not as open and friendly as you thought you were. You might say, that it's the people in this particular place where you find yourself who are unfriendly and dismissive. Yet, there are all sorts of personal reasons of karma that took you to this place and made you attract the experiences that you find offensive. You can trace the whole line of cause and effect backwards in time - well, in reality it spreads out like a great net of causal events, in all directions. There is no point in trying to understand all that this entails; it's too complicated and most of it is imbedded in the unconscious anyway. It can be overwhelming and depressing. Beat yourself up for the repeated failure to learn your lessons and you have the start up of the darkest of depressions! What you need to do is locate the repressed feeling and liberate it; yes, it's easier said than done, but it's a vital part of our development as humans.

While I subscribe to this spiritual viewpoint, I do find it somewhat polarised and therefore a bit problematic. There are also collective energies and tendencies tied to certain times and places. While all this is no doubt intricately connected to you and your place in the whole so that you can live and learn lessons of unimaginable scope, there are probably also collective issues that have nothing whatsoever to do with you. In general these are things you don't feel attracted to or get entangled in. I'd therefore like to propose a slightly less polarised view, a paradox that encompasses a subjective and objective stance within one and the same framework, suggesting a less sollipsistic and claustrophobic atmosphere of 'me, me and more me'.

War or a natural catastrophy is something that goes on somewhere in the world but it may not concern you directly. However, as all the energetic movements on our planet and in our cosmos are so complicated, we are still likely to get affected by them in some ways. For instance, there may be very important cosmic changes going on but it's not necessarily easy to establish where your place in the grand scheme really is. I feel that this can sometimes make creative, sensitive people more withdrawn, and so it will reflect on my own social life. Or maybe it's as simple as your husband's ex feeling jealousy... how much of that has anything to do with you? You can see what your feeling response is and then walk away. It's up to us how we respond; this can always be made into a lesson of sorts. It's never really wasted, is it?

In the case of friendship I would thus conclude that you may have to look at a lot of unpleasant shadows in other people that don't have anything much to do with you, but you may still react to them. If you're a highly sensitive person (as defined by Elaine Aron), you are most certainly reacting to all sorts of things that are worrysome. Not only do you realize how little people actually care, how preoccupied they are with their own lives, and how limited their understanding of other people's problems really is... you end up sharing much less, as you know that many subjects are beyond authentic sharing. Wishful thinking is no longer part of your mental vocabulary. You have become so very complex (as opposed to just complicated), so people who really understand where you're coming from are rare and far between. Ironically, the oldest friends are often the most loyal even when you don't have a whole lot in common. Familiarity takes on a new meaning, providing a sense of much needed security. You're tired of being exhausted from feeling that you're giving more than you're receiving, thereby limiting your entanglement with anything that doesn't happen with directness and spontaneity. I try and act on spontaneity, even if it makes me feel pushy at times, but my Nordic shyness often gets the best of me. Insert some more bladibla... In any case it's hard to say whether the chicken comes before the egg. Ideally, you would give unconditionally, not expecting anything back. Yes we all know that, but how to put it into practice?

You do need to stop and revise your attitudes, with candid honesty about the issues that are keeping you from embracing others lovingly, while opening yourself to change. Hand on heart; how many of us are that filled up with surplus energy and unconcerned by past conditioning and trauma? For most of us, there is still work to be done not only to become more authentic, but also to open up more to our spiritual intelligence. As you clean out your subconscious mind of issues, you start seeing things more for what they really are. Even friendship itself may need to be redefined, for instance to encompass a more accepting attitude to the coming and going of people in our lives or more differences. I know that for myself, a problem is giving out a lot of energy to form relationships, and then seeing people disappear from my life. I believe the answer is to accept the ephemereal nature of all aspects of life, but also become a better conduit of energy so that you do not replete yourself. Or; you may find that it is better at this time to stand back and conserve energy by not scattering it about. It is your mindful choice.

When I got married, I was deeply disappointed with the lack of attention from people who I expected something from because I considered them my or my husband's friends. The wounds are deep, but at some point I had to just realize that most people have a lot of dark shadow stuff embedded in their subconscious minds, and that breaking the contact because of this was not always such a good idea. A lot of dark stuff is out in the open these days - this is a good thing. Making these decisions was very heavy, and I still feel hurt. I know I'm dealing with something on the inside that is escaping my mindful eye, because it's comfortable being the way it is. The mind can trick itself into seeing only what it wants to see, and even though I always thought of myself as being particularly observant of the workings of my own mind, something is obviously escaping me. It will be interesting to see what emerges, as it is already about to be exposed.

The question is, should we expect to do shadow work with our friends? Well, recently I have been despairing because it seemed to me that I had become so transparent and 'touchy' that the only way to relate to anyone was by opening up and dealing with disappointments and frustrations. It would require quite a motivated friend - again, I think that age brings about a sense that friendship shouldn't be yet another burden, and so it's not so easy to get to this point. I'm not sure friendship should be difficult, maybe it should really be an oasis, but sometimes we are so full of things to work out that it's the only way of getting anywhere. We may also be afraid of losing our friends by putting demands on them, and will thus hold back. Some restraint is probably necessary, as we need people in our lives and need to make informed decisions about how much to tolerate and how much to ask the other person to tolerate in return. Even the most motivated shadow worker probably has misgivings in this respect.

In practice, regarding friendship, you have to ask yourself, if someone doesn't cause you continuous stress then you should probably try and honour the years of friendship that the both of you have invested in it, and try and forget some of the hurt. I don't know how you stop expecting anything from people without closing off your heart, but I think it is definitely possible. The ongoing process is why making friends still seems like a big challenge and a source of pessimism or disenchantment, and I know I'm not alone in this. Like me, more and more people have challenges of a lasting kind that needs acceptance rather than overcoming (i.e. chronic illness), but the environment is not ready to accept deviance of any sort. Something still requires healing so that the heart ceases to be so vulnerable. A strong heart is capable of great compassion. Human beings are overwhelmed by life and few have a solid basis to stand on. Balance in give and take heals the ego self, whereas a lack of concern about giving unconditionally is part of a greater spiritual process. These are possible to attain, albeit amongst the most difficult tasks in life.

Nonetheless, many good things have come out of the internet.

My Art at Integral Life

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 13:44:00 +0000

It's been a while but a new post will appear quite soon when I have a moment to spare. I will talk about spirituality and friendship, or at least try my best to define the feelings that have come apparent in my life in the past few years. I will ponder the renewed connection with mindfulness. I will probably also talk a bit about settling in a new country. But it could all change, who knows! Meanwhile, I am excited to present the online art exhibition at the Ken Wilber et al hosted website Integral Life that I had the great honour to be invited to! This is the front page: http://integrallife.com/, and here is the gallery with a commentary by art philosopher Michael Schwartz on Time and Memory in the deeper sense (as reflective of our spiritual origin): http://integrallife.com/node/100814. Enjoy! xxx

Artwork: The Alchemy of a Marriage, hand made mixed media collage by author, copyright 2010

Normality versus Abnormality - Defining the Difference

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 15:16:00 +0000

We all question our normality at times. As human beings we are bound to have negative feelings that we're not proud of. We don't always act rationally with sufficient restraint, and so on. Of course, normality is a very vague term that only refers to a generally accepted consensus in the environment we know best. But as such, it does have some validity and we should allow ourselves to learn the lessons this very fact has to teach us. It's about us in relation to others - how can we get along better? Let me say first of all that the fact that we question ourselves is already a sign of mental health, because our inner censor is at work. This is not the case with deeply disturbed people who need to enhance their self-importance to ridiculous degrees in order to maintain a sense of self. To acknowledge flaws would be too catastrophical to them. They wouldn't be able to live with the suspiscion that they are not the perfect human beings they wanted to be. If we feel so inclined, we can feel sorry for the sad history that has made them into such people, but the world is full of them and very often all they need to do is just get a grip or seek help.

We may not always know with confidence whether we're acting within the framework of normality ourselves, but we usually recognize seriously and detrimentally deviant behaviour in other people. I am not saying all deviancy is bad, because the world needs many different kinds - I'm talking about the kind that harms other beings. This is yet another reason for studying other people; it may be a bit of a new age adage that we're only responsible for ourselves and should not concern ourselves with others since we cannot change them, but my opinion is nonetheless that by looking at others we may get a perspective on our own thinking and feeling. This is how we can identify patterns in ourselves that aren't working for us or for other people in our vicinity. In fact, if we look mindfully, we can see ourselves in other people as if we were looking into a mirror. What we dislike about someone else is often something we dislike in ourselves. If we didn't, we'd probably feel pretty neutral about them. Sometimes they disturb us because we are forced to take a stand; we have to decide whether we should be around these people and if we decide their presence is unwholesome to us, we may have to take steps to distance ourselves from their sphere of influence. All this can in truth be quite tiring. I for one have gotten a bit tired of worrying about other people and have decided that some people should simply not be bothered with at all. People are always going to disappoint us as they rarely meet with our expectations. There are times when it's best not to think about others too much but just get on with one's own life the best one can.

I have written extensively about manipulative people so whoever is interested in more is referred to older posts. I have been quite interested in this phenomenon but I think this should be my last post on the subject. Truth to say people who feel the need to manipulate are sorry people with unhappy lives, and the best you can do is leave them to dwell on their own issues. They have problems that don't have to be yours as well.

My husband had an affair with a woman some years ago but recognized after four and a half months that she was not quite "right". He ended the affair but she wouldn't take no for an answer. She became obsessed with him and wouldn't leave him alone. She would do whatever it took to get him in bed with her. When he found me she stalked me online, in the most vile manner. She infiltrated into my private FB account and when we found out, she sent my husband stories about her perception of who I "really am" in order to warn him. When this didn't work, she sent me some derogatory story about my husband, including accounts of their sex and how she would love him forever and ever. Her page was full of spiteful comments about my husband in Dutch (easy enough to run through a translator). She's still sending me anonymous manipulative comments online, obviously with the intent of creating unease. Perhaps she thinks I don't see through these games or understand that she's behind it all. The last thing that came to my notice was that she had forced her way into our house on the morning after our wedding when we were at a hotel. My mother was at the door but completely taken by surprise when this woman "with the mean eyes" ran upstairs uninvited to have a look at our home. The truly sad part is that this woman is a preacher. I don't suppose her God is particularly pleased with her transgressions.

As a side note, nobody that I know in this little town is impressed with her as a human being or a minister. Needless to say, they are sick and tired of her rants about having been badly treated by my husband (who wouldn't hurt a fly). Among other things, she bought some stock for her shop from another local business and never paid for it. And this is not all... But she would probably not be able to see what she's doing, because presumably, in her mind she's not doing anything wrong. I am guessing that hiding behind a facade of spiritual authority in the role of a preacher is her way of justifying her existance in some way while trying to make sure no one sees her darker aspects. We have seen these kind of people over and over again - history is full of them. Religion is the greatest excuse and weapon humans have come up with, ironically the very anti-thesis of true spirituality.

Sometimes, people who want to be an authority within a church feel that as they consacrate their lives to God, God ows them something in return. They think they can expect God to be supportive of whatever they decide to do, and all means are sanctified. Some members of a parish believe that the authorities have been sanctioned by God, and this makes them especially vulnerable to manipulation. Some people are practically asking to be manipulated because they don't want to think for themselves.

While I don't know what drives the woman my husband had an affair with, she did actually do me a favour because she put normality in a perspective for me.

In extreme cases, people with sociopathic and/or narcissistic tendencies step beyond the boundaries of normality and common decency in ways we simply cannot ignore. Unfortunately, many live among us and therefore it's important to recognize the signs even when they are good at fooling people with their ingratiating ways. Intuition is your best guide. But I would also say that one sign of this type of personality disorder is the unability to let go of other people and instead continue to act as if they had a right to possess their victims, who should bend to their will. They are the first class bullies, with very little ability to feel empathy and understand other people's feelings - yet they love to tell other people how to run their lives because this is their power trip. The other sign is that there is no ability to see one's own wrongdoings, in fact there is a tendency to think that God or Satan or whatever entity inspire them is exclusively on their side, very much as fundamentalist religious terrorists or a cult leader would think. I don't think a normal person would be able to continue as an "authorized" advocate of deep religious values of truthfulness, kindness and love if they were able to acknowledge that they had these kinds of problems. If nothing else, this certainly is the greatest give away.

The term "sociopath" has nowadays been replaced with "antisocial personality disorder". Wikipedia says: "...common characteristics of those with Antisocial Personality Disorder include superficial charm, shallowed emotions, a distorted sense of self, a constant search for new sensations (which can have bizarre consequences), a tendency to physically or verbally abuse peers or relatives, and manipulation of others without remorse or empathy for the victim. Egocentrism, megalomania, lack of responsibility, extroversion, excessive hedonism, high impulsivity, promiscuity and the desire to experience sensations of control and power can also be present. This type of disorder does not relate to assaults of panic or to schizophrenia." In other words, people border on the abnormal when their anti-social behaviour is excessive and harmful to others.

The Challenge of Relocation

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 13:32:00 +0000

This autumn has mainly been about survival. I've had two bugs, the second which is on its eigth week. We were obviously tired after the Great Move and the Wedding, so maybe we were more likely to succumb to the local strains of viruses - we both got them to varying degrees. This is on top of other health concerns. I was making progress with the singing when the throat flu hit and I had to give it all up. I also expected this place to be more sociable but loneliness struck quite soon and the lack of energy made it even more difficult to break. In the end we both managed to do some networking and meet people even if it's on a shallow level. At least it helps to dispel some of the sense of alienation. Most of my time has been dedicated to sorting out my new relationship with the national health service, a task of some overwhelming magnitude. Countless of appointments later I'm still not a lot wiser and don't feel that my attempts to talk about the insomnia has ensued in much else than moral lectures about the evils of drugs. It's clear to me that no one has a clue as to what it means to have chronic insomnia. The view seems to be that "insomnia doesn't kill so therefore there is no real need to medicate". I am not saying health officials in Finland are necessarily any better in a general sense, but this kind of view feels quite rigid and conventional to say the least, and it's not even true - as far as I know sleep deprivation can kill (read more on the subject:). It's the sort of comment you expected to get twenty years ago regarding fibromyalgia. Do I need to say it's utterly unhelpful.

Once the guests were gone we just couldn't afford putting a lot of time and effort into fixing the house and so apart from the livingroom which is not too bad, it's not all that cosy here. The sight of the dirty throw-up patterned carpets that cover all the floors is not great to wake up to every day! It's hard for me, as I need to feel rooted in my home. We desperately need to make money but everything is at a standstill and we're suffering the consequences of living beyond our means due to the big transitions.

I did feel that I entered some flow in a more spiritual sense when I went to Finland to give a lecture on the symbolism of my art, as well as a workshop on the making of mandalas. Though it felt difficult to re-enter the sphere of more intellectual thought after years of concerns of a more practical nature, it did start to feel like a real need. I felt as though the universe was maybe conspiring to encourage me to take all this up again. Despite being quite ill on the day, I felt that the seminar went fairly well and that this was something to develop. The only really annoying thing was that I am still waiting to get my travelling expenses paid by the organization that invited me. I am not a charity organization and shouldn't have to wait! This means I will not be able to do similar seminars in the future and wonder when we'll be able to afford going back at our own expense. I also feel disconnected from Finland in other ways, mainly through other people. I'm not sure what this means. Suddenly the flow got disrupted and things are not making much sense.

It was interesting at the time to reconnect with the homeland. I have to say that returning to my new home wasn't quite so easy after that, as it just struck me as quite strange. Throughout my time here, feeling a connection with the place and the land has been overwhelmingly difficult. I might find myself out on a beautiful hillside and be struck by a sense of panic; I don't belong! And I can't escape if I wanted to! We would visit the coast and it would all feel too vast and desolate in a scary sort of way. This was a bit surprising but I guess the smaller scale of the Baltic appears intimate and homey and the wintery desolation over there has an arctic feel to it that brings a sense of comfort because it's familiar.

On the other hand, my new hometown feels quite small and almost a bit claustrophobic compared to what I'm used to. I expect it takes time to adjust. Also, as we are covered in snow at the moment, there is no way of going anywhere as Britain is not geared up for this kind of weather. This is a bit limiting. If we had money we'd definitely get snow tyres!

On returning, I continued to try and sink into the beingness in this particular place, and I did begin to feel much better. Bits here and there did after all feel quite familiar because I've always had a soft spot for Britain and assume that I have lived there in a rather happy past life. These positive things are gradually becoming more conscious as I'm feeling less overwhelmed by the great changes that the move has entailed. I shall have to continue working on relaxation and a better sleep schedule in order to try and improve the sleep at least a little bit. It's hard, as so many things are worrying and stressful. I'm very run down and feel resistance to making efforts. While I don't have trouble pacing myself, it's not so easy to decide where to start on the list of things to accomplish. When the tasks have some spiritual contents, things get easier as they seem to provide a certain deeper sense of accomplishment that nourishes the soul and my sense of purpose. The rest is more mundane, and therefore not quite so satisfying on a deeper level. Ideally, it would all tie in as a whole, but I haven't figured out how to get there yet. The concerns of the body and plain survival in the world tend to muffle the connection with soul and spirit.

Artwork: digital photographs of the Finnish winter, copyright V-M C 2010

Post Wedding Stress Syndrome - the Sweetness and the Bitterness

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 15:58:00 +0000

Vivi-Mari & Martin

Disclaimer: the title is made up and has no base in medical research.

So, I am now a wife and Mrs! Did I ever think that day would come - no! I look at my rings in amazement.

Married!

Leaving the beaches I had come to love since Martin came to live with me was bittersweet, and I still miss them. They meant less to me while I was alone; sharing gave them a new lustre altogether and it was great to get away from everything and breathe sea air when needed, just a short walk away. It was a cold and in this respect an unusually magnificient winter. The summer on the other hand was very warm, and we tried to go out on the cliffs as much as possible despite the arduous task of emptying the house. People in Wales figure I must be used to the cold... I laugh. Finnish houses are double or triple glazed and the summers are usually quite predictable and often warm. How I will survive in the cold old house in Wales is a mystery, but I knew what I signed up for...

The melancholy of the ice breaking in spring, Hanko

Just before the move, in Hanko

Enjoying the Baltic Sea

We packed like crazy, as we are both diligent and wanted to make sure my things wouldn't get damaged in transit - we also wanted order so that packing the things up in a three storey house would be relatively painfree. We brought most things I own, as in the end replacing stuff is seldom an option when you're not well-to-do. It took a lot of effort to get a reasonably priced lorry and quotes, and to figure out a schedule for everything. We had to bring my three cats and the process was complicated beyond belief... in the end all went well and though we couldn't afford going on the same VIP flight as them the timing with another cheaper air company was perfect. It was the strangest thing to finally see them at the other end, after all the paperwork and worrying that they would be okay and let into a country with such strict rules! During all this, we also planned our wedding which was to take place three weeks after our arrival in the UK. I don't know... maybe a date in late September would have been better... but then we didn't know we'd be delayed and the venue we had chosen did not have other weekends open in the summer.

We went to the neighbouring town once a week to try on the dress I had made by seamstresses as well as the engagement ring that we eventually decided to design ourselves since we couldn't find a suitable existing one. The processes with these items was excruciating, as I was not quite confident that it would all come out alright in the end. It's not like we had designed dresses and rings before! In retrospect, things went quite smoothly nonetheless and the results were both good and well priced. Martin's Victorian style suit arrived on time and fit him perfectly.

Green velvet dress in natural materials only, made in collaboration with Anita and Mikaela in Ekenäs, made thanks to my dad's kind contribution. The process was tough but we ended up with something that did not feel tight anywhere and that hid my flaws.

The Welsh bride

When we finally arrived in Wales we were too busy trying to get the house into some kind of shape before our guests started arriving. All throughout the summer I went through a lot of painful processes regarding other people. On the one hand we had to decide who to invite and how to put guests up in the house. On the other, some people didn't let us know whether they were coming or not, and I was hurt by the nonchalance. In the end, some people promised to come but either told us at the last minute they couldn't afford it, didn't arrive at all without explanation, or just screwed things up. I was left with less guests than anticipated but despite my frustration I was by that time so exhausted I was glad the house wasn't as full as I had optimistically envisaged it. Those who did come were very helpful and cheerful and the ambience was good. My mother was happy here as well. Thanks to a select few to whom it occurred to help us we managed to get everything ready on time. Why someone like me who has limited energetic resources had to create a custom made wedding may seem silly... yet we both had a vision and were determined to make it come true. We were also on a budget and yes, we did stretch our limits both financially and energetically.

Ambience

The Venue by night - a renovated chapel on a farm (photo courtesy of Adrian Roberts)

In the end, what Martin and I were in charge of turned out really well, but many things left for others to take care of because we simply did not have the time and energy, were disappointing. The taxi driver whose minibus we had booked for the day to take people to the venue had decided to give up his company without telling us about it. Luckily we found out - but then he did the job alongside with other jobs and many people had to wait for a long time in the rain or had to give up altogether because the taxi didn't appear within a reasonable amount of time. A local journalist was one of those who never made it. My dad who is 78 had to sit with his bad hips on wet ground until one of the guests took him and his party back to their hotel. The caterers that we had to go for due to lack of inoffical options (DM Klassic Catering: http://www.dinewithmichelle.co.uk/) had promised a fabulous buffet but it turned out that all the wishes I had stated in a letter to them and discussed in person at the venue beforehand were ignored. They cost more than normal caterers and so we expected higher quality ingredients. I told them what a Scandinavian buffet/smorgasbord is like but they did not lay all the foods out at once as I asked them to. I had particularly looked forward to the trifle and the chocolate cake but the former was appalling and nothing like what I had asked for, and the former was served long after most people had left. We had these in lieu of a wedding cake. We had asked for a selection of Welsh cheeses but these were not brough in until all the foreigners had already left and then the caterers had the nerve to send us a substantial bill due to some imaginary "late addition". They also judged the space poorly and so a lot of my shabby chic decoration that I had spent months collecting in junkshops disappeared when they laid out their food. Trestle tables they had asked for were left leaning on the walls of the renovated chapel where the party was taking place... I felt very frustrated with my condition because I had not been able to make sure that everything was alright before the party started - I needed my rest.

Some of my decorations before it all had to be arranged

Trying to quickly rectify the badly arranged fruitbowls!

Question is, how do you stop ruminating over the negatives? As someone said, it's not uncommon to feel so overwhelmed after such enormous and very personal efforts and to feel disappointed that everything wasn't as perfect as one would have hoped, though many things (such as the music) were better than expected. In my case, the efforts I have made and the physical transition to another country were humangous! The truth is, the party was a great success and most people did not suffer too much from the shortcomings or didn't know about them. It just went by so quickly and before I knew it I was rushed to the stupid taxi that wasn't going to be flexible as expected. We went to a "sort of posh" hotel but learnt the following day that we had been given the wrong information about check-in time and could have stayed at our own party much longer. I was tossing and turning in bed, whishing we had made other arrangments altogether. Had we decided to stay and party much longer, others would have stayed too. Now it seemed that we made such incredible preparations for a fairly short party. But you only get one go at something like this. And you have to live with the choices you had to make months before. You don't normally get a second chance either! This is one of the hard facts of life, maybe a lesson.

Darn rain!

We didn't even have time to write our vows so we improvised
(photo courtesy of Adrian Roberts)

And yes, although I had tried to make sure I didn't have any physical ailments on the Friday and Saturday of our wedding, I did come down with a headache from all the stress and Martin had tachycardia... it rained heavily and it was difficult to get my aging ex-photographer Mom to take decent pictures of us! But in the end, I guess we do have a good collection as a couple of friends also helped out in this respect.

Married!
The Townhall was beautiful and the ceremony was nicely conducted. It really felt like "this is it".
We played "What a Wonderful Li(f)e" by The Real Tuesday Weld on entering.

Now everyone in Swedish speaking Finland knows...

When we went back to pack up I cried floods of tears because it was all over. Martin looked perplexed. I said, I know I have complained but the truth is it was something so beautiful yet so ephemereal, and I couldn't bear it! Why must the good things in my life always be so very transitory?! There was yet another thing for me to process. I am way too scared of losing the good things... and way too incapable of enjoying them while they last.

After the party the clearing up

After the months of pressure and the two fleeting days of celebration, I certainly had a bad bout of postwedding blues. It dissipated over the course of the following week but it doesn't mean there isn't much to process still. When I had to deal with yet another person's complications I got extremely enraged. Martin thought all sorts of things about me that were anything but positive until I started screaming at the top of my voice for 15 minutes. I can't take anymore!! He held me and comforted me with wise words of understanding and accepting that I had so much disappoinment with people building up over the past few years and it all came crashing down on me. As we all know, expectations are harmful but how do you stop having them? To date I haven't seen any convincing evidence that this is entirely possible without taking very radical measures.

Just the two of us...

I even had fantasies about Martin's evil ex, who stalked me online last winter and seemed unable to let go, having put a curse on us to make the wedding days as rainy and arduous as possible. He wants me not to become bitter and cynical, and this is probably one of my spiritual challenges today. What do you do when people are so unreliable, you think the best of them or at least give them the benefit of doubt, and you even entrust them with things that are important to you - and so many let you down. Some because they don't understand better, but many because all they want is to extract money from you (the people who did help us, who did my dress and my ring as well as the people who own the farm of our venue are however not a case in point, and this must be kept in mind). Martin says he has been through a similar process and dealt with the fact that you simply have to accept the way people are rather than close off altogether. Obviously, we are all different and for some, like me, this is a hard chunk to swallow and it comes late in life. I do not know why it all hurts so much and how I can somehow gather myself and be less emotionally affected by other people's actions and behaviour. Things you cannot change are things you must accept, it's as simple as that. I also feel guilty, of course, because maybe it's just me and there's a sordid reason why I have attracted certain people of low character...

The wedding especially has shown what people are made of, and not all of it is pretty or the way I would expect it to be. I do also realize that I mirror myself in that I have little tolerance with complicated people like myself, as dealing with myself is quite enough. I am not as tolerant as I'd like to be, and quite harsh in some ways. I'm fed up with ignorance or idealism. I actively seek that which seems somehow "normal" so that I can find my balance and my place in this new life situation. I need to find myself again, fine balance and sleep better, and redefine who I think I am as my self has changed. Only then can I possibly find a new way of relating to people. I hope, at least.

Some of the lovely gifts given by old and loyal friends of mine -

the samovar is ours but we received the gorgeous tea glasses.

After the wedding I felt empty because first there was so much hard work and preparation and then there was "nothing". We had quickly bought a car, I quickly learned to drive in left-hand traffic with a British car on tiny and winding country roads, and we showed guests around - then they were all gone and the house was quiet. Well, there is that so-called real life when you have to start dealing with fixing up and renovating a house, adapting, making money so you'll survive, and trying to get money-hungry companies off your back (nasty surprises that took me right back to my former life...) - while one would expect to feel happy, in reality it's all quite daunting. But I also felt a sort of spiritual emptiness though. We talked about our beliefsystems as we walked along the beaches in Finland, and we also made plans for collaboration on a creative level. I'm glad we did because then came the circus and spirituality was at the bottom of the list of priorities. After the rumba, I felt nothing for any spiritual issues and that despite the fact that I've moved to a place where many spiritually minded people live and from what I can see, in general it's not very different from the way Martin and I look at things. But then I thought... spiritual emptiness is often a good thing, it means there is room for something new. What this will look like only the future can tell. First we have to make our life work for us on the mundane level.

That was it... now real life begins with the process of acklimatization and the unfortunate debts.

All photos are copyrighted!

True Equality!

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Mon, 31 May 2010 09:09:00 +0000

My energies at this stage in my life are preoccupied elsewhere, and I have not felt much inclination towards keeping this blog going. I am sure I will come back to it later when my life has settled but am apologizing for some delay... I am now in the midst of turmoil in that I'm moving countries and getting married. My previous entry was probably a bit soppy and I don't want to go on sounding insipid or trite! My focus has changed and I'm not sure how it will translate into more philosphical musings.

I recalled having written some things on equality in the past. I was in a lot of despair at the time because of the whole dating game that I experienced as so trying and depressing. I will pick out some central viewpoints and comment on them from my present perspective, which has shifted since I met my fiancée. I hope to take the discussion even further in the future as this is a very exciting subject matter.

"I come from a country where men and women had to work side by side in a rather equal fashion in order to survive the harsh climate. At least that's how equality in our country is usually being explained. Note that Finland is among the few countries that has a female president"

While this is true, it has also been clear to me that equality in Scandinavia has been taken to an extreme or to be more exact; is at this point in time it's ruled by certain arid, set concepts rather than true, feeling-based respect towards our differences as men and women. I found while dating that men in this part of the world had a tendency to either dismiss any form of gallantry towards the woman or even complained that they should have the same rights as women! This was to me a rhetorical reply rather than a genuine response from one human to another.

I saw a documentary by a Finnish guy that brought out the fact that gender studies at the University still refuse to acknowledge that there are any significant differencies between the ways men and women function. He demonstrated through his empirical research that men solve problems by setting up hierarchies and competitive situations while women prefer to negotiate on a basis of equality. While this to me seems self-evident (and more or less the message in the popular Venus and Mars - books) it was baffling to learn that authorities still wish to ignore this. It was also suggested that women have trouble asking for a higher salary and feeling worthy of it. I can certainly relate to this, though in other areas of life. Being a female go-getter is probably less common than finding an assertive male, though at the same time we mustn't forget that exceptions usually confirm the rules.

In my present relationship, we have acknowledged all gender differences from the very start and treated them as objective facts that we can joke about. It doesn't mean we don't take them seriously too, but only in relation to our need to fit together and work as a team. Many of our strengths and weaknesses are tied to our personalities or our physical condition, but a great number of them are also evidently tied to our gender. We are exploring these and trying to find a way of complementing each other that is genuine and respectful. I am very lucky to have met someone who is motivated to do this and doesn't hold his own activities or products as so sacred that they cannot be shared with another. His intelligence is such that he is able to grasp the higher meaning of teamwork within a relationship.

As an example, we curated an exhibition together and found that we were able to do a very good job as long as we did it rapidly without concerns of the ego. We have found that as soon as there is a sense of threat or accusation in one way or another, things go awry. (Luckily we aren't stubbornly holding onto matters of principle, which can be an efficient way of killing a relationship). I tend to make undue assumptions about the way men "always do things" because of bad past experience and he gets very upset when he feels accused of things he haven't done and isn't about to do. I am also the one moving to a different country and so I am quite overwhelmed by the prospect of fitting in and accepting all that is his. So far, we've mostly lived on my territory with my things. I can easily feel threatened as I have visions of how I want to lead my life, decorate my home, and so on. It's easy in these instances to forget about all the things we actually agree on and focus more on the differencies - especially if one doesn't quite understand what drives and motivateds the other. On the other hand, by testing these things and communicating them we are learning. I should also add, that I realized I have to stand up for myself more in order not to be treated in sexist ways by a society that easily sees the man as the leader - in our relationship, we are equal artistically speaking as well and I noticed that people didn't quite grasp the idea that we might be able to work as a team.

"I don't deny that my way of expressing myself can be perceived as strong by some people, but I am by no means a bully. I am not trying to get the upper hand, only have equal rights with everyone else. I am tender and giving but won't waste my efforts on anyone who only wants to reinforce their ego. I can't afford wasting my precious energy, as I don't have that much of it (at least for the time being). The fact that men have complained about the strong will of mine tells me that they have not been very strongwilled individuals themselves"

Well, I see myself as a bit of a paradox, as I have strong tendencies of nurturing but also refuse to be treated with disrespect or made into a doormat. I get very upset when I don't feel understood. But of course, to a great extent this has occurred in my life because not very many people have been able to relate to me on a deeper level. It takes a very intuitive and empathic man with a whole other set of values that aren't quite the norm to grasp what I'm about. It seems that I am indeed appreciated for the reasons I want to be appreciated, and that is for all the reasons by which I am different from most other people. I also need to add though, that my partner has no hang ups whatsoever about social roles and is also able to see my feminine essence rather than the way I represent womanhood within the framework of society. This applies to how I feel about my partner as well.The latter is a sense of the complementary qualities of yin and yang that is our basic working theory.

"One thing that I've noticed in my own life is that men want to be in charge of how a relationship develops. It starts with them deciding when to write or call, how to meet, and where to develop the contact. This to me is extremely stressful because for one thing I find it unacceptable and unfair, and on the other hand it wears on my over-stressed nervous system. I easily break down like I did the other day if I have to put up with a state of not knowing what the deal is"

I have found, that I actually want a man to be in charge a lot of the time but only if he truly respects me. Only now do I feel respected and also valued for the things that I am able to do, and so I have trust. I also have trust because I feel that my partner executes projects more or less the way I would too, and so there is seldom any conflict of interests. This helps me mellow out and allow him to take care of many things that are difficult for me. Of course, some people have to learn about compromise in some big way, but to me too many differences would detract from what I consider important. The things I know he's better at taking care of than me are especially things of a practical or physical nature, as well as technical issues. I am not physically equipped for many things. When it comes to technical problems I have realized that it comes more naturally to men to deal with those, and though women can certainly learn how to tackle them, it's often not worth all the trouble. I suppose I in return give him what he feels he needs, as this he tells me very often!

"I wish that men would realize how emotional women can sometimes be without it meaning half as much as they think. Secondly, I wish they would realize that their actions cause us to fret and ruminate for ages afterwards. Women spend an enormous amount of time trying to understand men, but when do they ever care to understand us? In other words; how can we ever reach true equality if one part of the population is not interested in investing any efforts into truly understanding the other part? This leads me to the core of my thinking, which is that rather than choosing sides and thinking in terms of either-or the way we are used to, we should really try and embrace both-and. So even though I'm a bit sad and nervous about the way men so easily dismiss me as "difficult" I still hope to give each individual the benefit of doubt. But my refusal to be submissive is probably going to cost me a lot of things that belong to a normal life on Earth"

I think it takes a bit for a man to realize that women often over-react. However, if they are willing to find a way of approaching us that doesn't appear patronizing, it can work out just fine. An intelligent man will see the meaningfulness in developing this kind of understanding and may even see it as a spiritual quest. I am lucky in that my partner is interested in how people function psychologically speaking and so there is always plenty to talk about. I always knew, that I would not be able to live with someone who didn't meet me in this area of life. I think that this form of curiousity defines a higher level of intelligence, but then I am biased, of course!

We do sometimes argue because neither of us wishes to be a doormat. We do, however, think that there are ways around it. First, we must realize that neither is ever going to be submissive and accept this as a fact. Then, it's a question of trusting the other not to be manipulative. I can see the temptation to manipulate another but am trying to catch myself every time. I also know that he's able to detect any such behaviour as a result of past experience and an analytical mind. It takes time to get to a place of true trust. This leads to the feeling of being respected and from this, more confidence and less fear of being put down in any way follows naturally. It takes effort, because you must always keep the other person in mind. You don't make important decisions without consulting with your partner. You try and remember the ways in which your partner complements your weaknesses and allow them to fill up that space for you. You treat your relationship as a kind of business relationship that extends indefinitely outwards in all the directions, in ways in which you can express love towards the other. At its best, it can encompass all of life's areas and help you evolve towards a greater sense of fulfillment as an individual as well as a couple.

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging your partner as complementary and in some deeper way as your other half. As always, I'd like to finish with a statement about the importance of seeing paradoxes as an expression of the greater truth about reality. I believe, that we can be whole unto ourselves as well as whole within a relationship. In other words, you can be a whole and a half at the same time. If you sense any truth whatsoever in this, I challenge you to think of ways in which this is possible! I believe this is for each and every one of us to find out for themselves. I would suggest, that this is the secret of the sort of equality this world will see more of in the future.

Life Starts When You Start Loving It

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 11:10:00 +0000

It's of course a common misconception that problems disappear when you find someone who loves you. We think that the acceptance of another will patch us up. In reality, the acceptance of another does help soothe the bruises and may help us grow. It's nonetheless my experience, that it's only when I enter a relationship that the real work begins. In between I've felt that I've been on hold in many ways. But the older I get, the more stuff there is to dig out, deconstruct and let go of. Apart from that, I don't really enjoy solitude very much. Even though I can be creative on my own, I find the lack of regular day-to-day interaction with another being quite deadening. It undermines my belief in myself and does nothing to strengthen my sense of self.

Yes, we can have what we want in life, but the point is really being aware of what we truly need in order to feel fulfilled and be able to evolve as human beings. At least we should get our priorities straight without resorting to stupid idealism; having love and better health is surely more important than money, but the money can come in quite handy and help us enjoy ourselves more. I find, that things progress is some mysteriously natural order, and I should not have doubts about this and try and force things in a headstrong sort of way. It's my belief that if you know yourself deeply, you will know what you need in your life at any given time and you will strive towards it, but you will also realize that life is inherently intelligent and therefore more capable of working things out for you than the little you are. Reach into yourself and feel what you need, then have an intention, but let go of the outcome. Life does give us what we need. You could call it the manifestation of your own desires, it really doesn't make a difference in a deeper sense if we postulate that we are one with life. However, we reside in a dualist space and so I prefer to choose my words carefully.

Anyhow - some of what we need is the dull stuff, the challenges that we have to work through in order to get to a better place. Some of what we need is wonderful, joyful stuff that makes life worth living. Some stuff we do for the sake of others; some stuff is for ourselves. Each aspect of life's "gifts" are equally important. Most of the time we only have an incling as to what we need and want in life, but there is no way we can imagine the full scope of the gifts of life as they usually stretch far beyond our imagination. Still, given our trust and faith, life can provide with a whole array of things that are truly good and useful for us. Just give it time... sometimes we do have to wait until the time is right.

Having doubts about your self-worth or the ability to attract good things in life is not really a problem. Just try and keep in mind that they are natural but do not need to define your life. I know this sounds a bit trite, but try and also believe, that miracles do occur. Sometimes, as I guess most of us realize when we really think about it, they are so small you hardly notice they are just that. The only answer is as far as I can se to be conscious and aware, notice everything that's going on and look at life with fresh eyes. There's always something to be amazed at. Why not just start with the assumption that life itself is pretty amazing... put the horrors aside; it's still a vast and complex piece of utter ingenuity.

So... I persisted in my pursuit of certain things, and they arrived. After a number of very dreary, lonely and very stressful years in a small town where social autorities are petty and doctors incompetent, I am finally on my way towards a place where I always dreamed of living. And what is truly amazing is, that the exact destination looks a lot better than what I had thought I might have to settle for. I have even been lucky enough to impart some hope to a few people around me, because my life started to change against all the odds. If as a result of my persistance, good things come to me, whatever other people really wish for can come to them as well. In my case, I did eventually find my better half - and the whole process has been a marvel. Someone did find me here in the middle of the dark forest, and has not left me since. I have met my equal, and it's a man! We are living the conscious relationship. Some of the process has been effortless and it's obvious that there's flow when things are working out in a positive direction. In some other ways, there have been a great deal of trouble. The body and mind that is used to a life of struggles is having a hard time adapting to the idea of a more pleasurable life (this manifests in the body as various pains, it seems). We also have to find ways of managing my chronic illness. It will still take time to adapt and find a way of keeping a vulnerable heart really open. In order to be open towards others, it needs to be open towards life itself. So the universe and I still have some dues to settle.

Alternation between theory and practice, objectivity and subjectivity

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 18:52:00 +0000

It seems to me that personal development comprises at least one theoretical and practical phase. By this I mean that most intellectually inclined people get excited about a certain worldview or beliefsystem tend to read up on things and organize their rational views for a while. I did just that but after a number of years of constructing the backbones of my worldview I got naturally bored with the limitations of intellectual thought. I say "naturally" because it felt just that; natural. There was only so much I could learn theoretically until it started to feel stale, repetitive and of course, most of all, removed from the actual fact of existing in this particular reality. When I think about it, I seem to recall some similar feelings coming to me earlier on in my life. To me it looks as though there's a wave-movement that alternates theory and practice in various forms throughout my life, some phases being more obvious than others. This resonates with my belief that all phenomena do in fact alternate in a yin/yang sort of fashion as they change with the progression of time.

Unfortunately, one can get stuck in a phase and resist change. It's easy to spot this sort of state of being in some people as they will invariably sound stifled and dogmatic in their intellectual approach to life's issues. So - there's nothing wrong with a theoretical framework, but it has to be integrated into one's personal being and way of life. Each one of us has to find their own way of doing it as it's bound to be a test and challenge to our individual uniqueness. Therefore, there is no textbook out there that will explain exactly how to do it so that it is right for you.This is a deeply subjective experience as opposed to the ingestion of theoretical knowledge that one might characterize as more objective in nature. It might even be difficult to talk and share these things with other people as they are so subjective and often quite emotional. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why we don't see much talk about the more practical approach of people who are serious spiritual seekers? It's in the very nature of practical experience and field work (so to speak) that it's "out there" far away from the chair by the computer or the vicinity of a library. Perhaps it's also something people don't feel inclined to demonstrate on an intellectual internet forum because they fear being labeled "subjective" and not taken seriously.

I don't know... these are just a few thoughts that come to mind. I am also a bit concerned about the gap between people who enjoy their armchair philosphy and those who passionately engage in changing the world on the practical level. As an intellectual, it's easy to become complacent or disenchanted as one witnesses and understands ignorance within society. I have certainly felt that myself (e.g. "there is too much to be done and I want to make a BIG difference if there is to be one") and have to work so as not to get too sucked into such feelings. As it happens, my life seems to present me with challenges in the real world that help me confront some difficulties I may be experiencing in engaging in some work of a very practical nature (e.g. regarding social injustice) that meets with so much resistance from those in charge of the bigger decisions in society. It's a bit of a cliché but I guess it does boild down to a matter of being aware of the opportunities of growth and change, but also of finding out what is your own personal way of making a difference.

I think we can still be useful to society even when we are not quite "there" yet in terms of inner peace. However, I assume that our work is at its best in our moments of calm and positive determination that comes from a sense of "spiritual passion" or something of the kind. Again, I think that someone on a sincere path to deeper insight will have these moments despite other experiences of imbalance and rupture. Perhaps it's also a question of following an inner incentive when this happens and not do much when we are not in a good frame of mind! Of course, it goes without saying that having too much ego or too little of it causes problems - being too assertive or too easily bogged down, to mention a couple of common issues in this regard, In any case it's important that people who realize this don't get too discouraged on their way towards a more wholesome existance.

Gentle Advice For the Chronic Insomniac

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 14:00:00 +0000

My insomnia started as a result of emotional trauma, some ten years ago. As I was against taking drugs I resisted for a year, but got increasingly burned out and had to give in to them in the end. Herbal sleeping aids may help some but is not strong enough for me. Contrary to what many doctors tell you, some of the drugs that are supposed to help you fall asleep (but not necessarily stay asleep all night which a real sleeping pill would do), can actually work for years (Zopiklon in my case, you may need to look up the generic names, e.g. Lunesta in the USA). Doctors prefer to prescripe other "non-addictive" things such as Seroquel, which in higher doses is meant for epilepsia and psychoses... Well, it makes you drowsy and may work, but I'm not convinced the sleep quality is very good. One of the problems for many insomniacs is the lack of deep (restorative) sleep. This is for instance true in cases of fibromyalgia or chronic stress, where the nervous system is not able to wind down. Amitriptyline which is an old fashioned anti-depressant may help a bit in this case, but the side-effects are not very nice. They include dry mucus (for instance resulting in tooth decay and trouble speaking) low libido, and god knows what else that I have now forgotten. Anyhow, sleeping disorders may be very complicated and it's hard to get proper help. GP's and many psychiatrists like to make you think that you don't really have a problem because they don't understand the workings of the nervous system and the mind-body connection. I thought to compile a little list of things that I find helpful though, hoping that some of it might help others.

make sure that your bedroom is clutterfree. This is really, really important. Make it into a really cosy sanctuary with lots of soft cushions, a fluffy down duvet and good quality bed linen that has NO polyester in it. Change your sheets quite often, at least every fortnight. Make sure there are many layers of cotton underneath you if you have a foam mattress. Make sure the bed is soft enough to induce a feeling of security. The bedroom should never be used for anything but sleeping. I can't stress this enough! It really makes a difference. Sometimes sleeping on the ground floor can be a problem because you subconsciously may feel that someone could come in through the window. Try and see if this is the case. If you only have one floor, make sure the window is well blocked at least with heavy curtains if not in other more drastic ways.
make sure your bedroom is dark enough, and that it's neither too warm or too cold.
you might need to wear ear plugs. I have worn them for years...
According to Feng Shui, your head should face the East. You can always try... I turned my bed around but made other changes too so it's hard to tell whether this could have made a difference. Feng Shui also tells you not to have mirrors facing your bed, and to me that's really just common sense.
research has shown that having some carbohydrates before going to sleep is helpful. So the old adage about milk and cookies is correct. I find it calming to have some soyamilk or night time herbal tea along with a sandwhich or cake. Some say a small piece of dark chocolate is helpful.
alcohol can be bad for the quality of the sleep but sometimes a glass or two of wine can be helpful in calming the nerves. Don't make it into a habit, though.
lavender oil (make sure it's essential!) can be burnt in an oil burner or sprinkled onto something close to your nose. I find that it really does have a soothing effect. You might like to experiment with different brands, possibly from different countries of origin.
some incense may help. I find that some cheap incense from Thailand has a woody note that soothes me. You have to experiment to find out what works for you. There is also lavender scented incense but again you have to see which brand works for you. For me, the scent of rose is also conducive to positive feelings. If you can, keep some beautiful fresh flowers by the bed.
sit up in bed and meditate before sleep, if you can. If you have a helpful partner, he could stroke your back while you gently fall asleep.
get enough exercise in the daytime, for instance a half-hour walk or more. Then do some gentle exercise such as yoga or light weight lifting in the evening.
Qigong is very helpful in tuning in with your body and calming the mind. There's something you can do when you're already in bed - it's an exercise called LaQi, but it's by no means exclusive to Qigong. You hold your hands in front of your navel as if holding a bowl or a ball (the hands should not touch each other). Slowly separate them by moving the hands further apart, about half a meter. Then move them back again, slowly. Keep doing this for a while and find that your energies settle a bit (you're "collecting" and "building up" energy between your hands).
lying on a bed of nails (look it up online) for half an hour before bed is helping me feel more relaxed.
try and remember that your body does know how to fall asleep and don't buy into the mindclutter that tells you that you just can't. Breathe deeply, connect your mind with the whole body, and have faith that nature knows what to do. Don't get frustrated if this doesn't immediately solve your problem; rest assured that at least it's helpful...
going to bed at the same time every day is an important thing to strive towards even if the mind may make all sorts of excuses to avoid it. One problem could be the feeling of not wanting to get up the following day, and so you postpone going to bed... try and counteract this by sticking to the schedule and finding reasons that make getting up in the morning into a more pleasant experience. It could simply be having more time to wake up and having something nice to drink or eat that you can look forward to. If watching TV first thing in the morning works for you, then go for it! Whatever helps...
it really is best not to watch TV before bed, especially not an engaging movie. For some, reading a boring book helps but in my case it makes me have to focus and so it has the opposite effect. Looking through a magazine and dreaming about a beautiful home seems like a better option.
whatever is on your mind needs to be dealt with, so write it down or settle an argument before sleeping. Seriously consider cutting the cord with people who distress you on a permanent basis. Do whatever it takes!
footmassage to yourself with some pleasant oil is a good idea.
sometimes, soft music can help you drift off to sleep. The choice is obviously yours, it could be New Age music, nature's sounds (birds, rain, waves) or something alternative. There was a time when Steven Reich's drumming was helpful to me. Now I prefer complete silence.
last but not least; a sense of security is really important. You need to address the emotional issues that may make you feel insecure. Try and feel that nothing out there is out to get you, or that you are surrounded by benevolent forces that keep these negative energies at bay while you sleep. Having another person in your life that helps you feel safer could be a solution to some of these problems. Feeling vulnerable is not a crime...

As a side note, I'd like to add a few viewpoints on the way doctors often look at insomnia, especially in relation to a chronic illness of sorts. It's rare to meet someone who truly understands what it's like. You usually get referred to a psychiatrist, but they may not know much about insomnia per se (for instance, which medicines are really useful and not just "horrid addictive ones") and even less about the physical issues involved. If you're one of the unfortunate who suffer from ME, CFS and/or fibromyalgia, for instance, then the condition will affect your sleep in every conceivable way. It's all very well to talk about regular sleeping schedules, but when you're overly fatigued one day and extremely hyper the next, following a regular schedule can be next to impossible. It's also very disruptive if you are in a phase when you wake up a lot and thus loose hours of sleep. You may not be able to cope with the loss of even one hour of sleep. Getting up to do something else is just plain stupid advice. You might also find that you have to leave a party much earlier than anyone else because you can't cope with a disturbed schedule the next day).

I find it very stressful to try and juggle with medicines so that I can rest assured that I will fall asleep when I'm supposed to. It's already hard enough to motivate myself to stick to schedule! Doctors rarely understand any of this. A shrink I had said that for one thing he doesn't believe fibromyalgia exists, for another I just need to stay up for two days and then I'm sure to sleep! Yeah right. I'd sleep for 24 hours, wake up bright as a morning bird - at four in the morning! Try and stick to schedule - it does help. But you might have to be prepared for some anxiety in relation to all the arrangments that need to be made to ensure that this really works.

From Victimhood to Victory (Victim Mentality Deconstructed)

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 12:20:00 +0000

There have not been any blogs for a while because I was thrusted into the whirls of an intense new relationship that demanded my full attention 24/7. Before this happened, I had experienced yet another burn out from the stress caused by dealing with the callous people at the social services, and other personal issues to do with dating. It is only now that I have a bit of time to get proper rest and let my mind wander around... I'm not sure what exactly to write but lets see what comes out. The theme is in any case victimhood, made into an even more of a burning topic due to the earthquakes in Haiti.

I think it's more than obvious that there are generally speaking two categories of people in the world; those who are victims and those who are oppressors in one way or another. Powergames are unfortunately to be seen anywhere from within personal relationships to the relationships between citizens and their authorities. Sometimes, as in the case in Haiti, nature appears to cause us great distress and loss. In the following I will focus on the interaction between humans, however. We obviously gain from the security provided by those in power of sorts but we also pay a price that compromises our integrity. In my own life, I have experienced victimhood in many ways. When your body is not strong enough to keep up with the Joneses, you easily get pushed aside by other people and seen as a lesser being. If you're not doing your share of the "work" within society, then why should you have any rights? Of course I was grateful that I was granted the choice of not being in working life but little did I realize how stressful the situation would become nonetheless. Instead of the state paying me a decent allowance I was made to crawl in front of the social services every month in order to get some extra money for electricity, heating and medicines that the pension would not cover. This autumn, the situation eventually became psychologically speaking so unbearable that I saw only one option, and that was to cut the cord to the social services. It was a scary thing to do as I would have very scanty means of surviving, but I had to do it in order to regain a sense of dignity and to remove the stress that these people were causing me. I had to rely on other people for help but it was still a better option in this case. I also made a report to the court of justice but there was no will of taking my complaints about the way I had been treated seriously. I had to swallow my frustration, try and forget my feelings of being wronged, and move on.

Another area in which I have recently felt helpless has been that of dating. I went through a great deal of stressful connections that seemed to only reinforce the feeling that no one wanted me and that no one was on my wavelength. I had to muster the last scraps of self-confidence and inner strength so as not to fall prey to utter despair. In the end I said alright, I shan't continue with my teeth clenched. I had felt that I was at a great disadvantage because of suffering from a condition that few can truly relate to and also because of my physical location. Who would find me here in this solitary and remote corner of Europe? It was all so bewildering. In the end I had to let go and think, well, if I'm meant to meet the right person, then I will. If not... then I have to accept my lot in life. My deepest feeling was, however, that I did not want to remain alone and that in fact I was not really equipped to manage life on my own (and maybe I really shouldn't, as perhaps we are all here to help each other rather than fight wars!). I needed someone by my side but not a parent-figure who would nanny me. I had great doubts that the right sort of person existed but I kept on hoping while I loosened the reins... and at that moment the right man appeared.

One of the first things this man said to me was that he would not have contacted me if he had felt that I was into victimizing myself. He could see that I was a "victim" in terms of being forced to rely on the goodwill of people of all sorts (doctors, the social people, the state, ignorant people in general, men I've tried to date or have relationships with, and so on) and that I was a bit of a mess because of it, but he also saw that I was fighting for my sense of personal freedom and integrity. Thank goodness! I am indeed very lucky... someone finally perceived me for who I believe I am. Thing is... it's alright to feel weak and vulnerable - allowing such feelings is healthy as they are natural and should not be repressed. It's alright to have moments of doubt and even feel sorry for yourself. It's human! I'm the first one to admit to having trouble with the kind of helplessness that comes from fatigue, physical weakness and from being a highly sensitive person. But it's the general attitude that counts... being able to say alright, this is my life and only I can take responsibility for it.

My new partner and I quickly established a working relationship that is based on the idea of teamwork, so that our various strengths complement each another. He has the physical strength and stamina that I lack and so I feel that I can finally let go of some of the heavy burdens in my personal life. I am hoping that I am now transitioning from simply "managing" life to actually living and enjoying it. This would not be possible without the help of someone who can fill in certain blanks in my private life. It seems that I might be able to move away from the dreadful feeling of being "helpless, weak and dependent" to a state of being in which I can develop my true potential rather than spending all my energy on practical trivia. The practical side of life is quite difficult for me because of my condition, but when I get to share all the decision-making and the activities that life calls for on a mundane level, life truly takes on a whole other meaning and various fears and apprehensions may turn into positive anticipations regarding the future. It is not about co-dependency, but a case of relying on another person for assistance because you have reasons to trust them. And of course, in the end it's about true equality and a balanced given-and-take though it can be hard to see what exactly you're giving the other person!

In the West, we live in a society that celebrates independency and freedom but most of it is an illusion. Like I said, we're in it together, aren't we? However, there is a difference between unhealthy dependency based in powergames, and a healthy working relationship of assisting those in need (see early blogs on this topic). We should certainly strive to remove ourselves from the sense of victimhood because nothing good comes of it. If we find ourselves in a place that provokes an experience of dependency and victimhood in relation to authorities or other people in general, we must fight it... there is always something good to be found in terms of learning experience. I am not saying there are no victims; in a sense we are all victims in one way or another. That's the way the world is today as we are not yet living utopia. Though I hope things will gradually improve, I am also not in favour of the typical New Age idea that it's wrong to even talk in terms of victimhood. I have been attacked by such people way too many times, as they have perceived my occasional despair as their favourite topic for conversion to New Age ideals. As soon as you even as much as whisper that you feel overwhelmed by external forces, it is not unusual to hear that you're being negative and only interested in pretending to be weak in order to get sympathy from others.

There are indeed energy suckers who do that sort of thing but obviously, it's not always that simple. As usual, I prefer to take the middle path. On a spiritual level it is possible to see all this from a different perspective and as a game within the frame of dualism that helps people learn about a more genuine and caring interaction based in empathy rather than pity (for instance, the case of true caring tends to creep up when natural disasters such as the earthquakes in Haiti occur). It can also help us establish boundaries and decide that other people have no real power over us. I know this bit is very difficult and hard to grasp. All I can say is, that everyone has their own quest and may or may not be able to see things from a more spiritual point of view. I think that we do need each other and should never deny this; on the other hand we must be very clear about our personal integrity and not allow others to take advantage of ourselves or throw ourselves into a pity-party. The latter is a sort of passive-aggressive way of attempting power over those that seem to exercise power over us. It surely goes without saying that it's not a constructive way of solving problems!

Incidentally, both myself and my partner have exes that have tried to use their victimhood as a way of getting to us. My ex in the USA refuses to send me my personal belongings and artwork although I have paid him to do so. He goes on and on promising this, promising that... nothing ever happens and the last thing I heard was that he can no longer find the things that were originally neatly packed in one box. Of course, in his mind I am the evil one who doesn't have the patience to wait for my things or even ask for them in the first place (this has taken two years). This is someone who is clearly unable to care for others because he's so engrossed in the wrongs that other people are doing onto him. People who perceive of themselves as the ones who are always being wronged by others will usually become quite manipulative as demonstrated above. My partner's ex who felt wronged because he didn't feel she was right for him was stalking me online and trying to manipulate me into believing that my partner has so and so many flaws (of course the last one in a row of many evil men). When that didn't work as she had hoped she tried to manipulate him into believing all sorts of horrible things about me based on bits and pieces of information that she had gathered on the internet by infiltrating into spaces where she had no business to be in the first place (posing under an assumed identity). Apparently this is due to some form of stifling victimization and unability to let go and let live. Of course, the trick is to try not to feel like a victim of those who victimize themselves... not always easy, true.

So how do you recognize people who victimize themselves so that you can be on your guard? Well, apart from the obvious fact that they blame everyone else for their misfortunes, my experience tells me that these people tend to appeal to other people's emotions repeatedly and excessively. You also get the sense of speaking to a child when you confront them about issues of conflict. That's because most likely, they got stuck in some pattern as children and were not able to resolve it back then with the help of an adult. As adults, they should take responsibility for their own deficiencies, however. Of course, it's always advisable to seek help and counselling, but the first step of recognition and desire to open up repressed issues obviously comes from themselves (who else?).

All you can do is to decide that these kind of people do not have power over you and re-align with your true self and integrity. You may have to cut a few cords in order to do so. I still find it very hard so I can see that it's one of those major life lessons. Each has to find their own way of setting boundaries. The main thing is that we don't fall into the trap of feeling pity, which is a way in which those with a victim mentality can keep us tied to their energy. And do not listen to all the "I had a dysfunctional childhood" talk if it seems a bit too obsessive. While the things that were going on as we were helpless children might have been seriously disturbing, the truth is the majority of all people have had some kind of dysfunctional background. It's all very well to talk about it and recognize where your issues come from, but don't use it as a way of provoking pity in others: it's ridiculous. Use it only as a means of deeper understanding and if you are so inclined, as a way of spiritual growth. While it's also true that many of us are in a weak position and feel very helpless at times, there is always a way out. It may take time, but the way I see it is that life "wants" to evolve and thus we also will if we only have the incentive to do so.

What Secret?

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 16:21:00 +0000

I suppose that the craze surrounding the book and film The Secret is wearing off, but I still feel like presenting a few thoughts about the whole thing. When it came out, I went online and looked at the movie trailor and the author's website - at least I think it was her. I didn't like the hyped up energy and the way the woman in question was fixated on money. "I became a millionaire, and then a billionaire - all thanks to The Secret" I recall being her statement. Well yes... a nicely wrapped up ultra positive New Age book that encourages people to catch at a straw in a world full of stress and uncertainty is likely to get a lot of buyers. It screamed sensationalism to me. Anyway, I finally got a chance to get the book out of the library as it had been translated to Swedish. I was curious to see what exactly is in it, though I had a hunch from the very start that there was nothing that special about the concept of the law of attraction. Here is what I think.

First of all, notice that the message is packaged in a romantic sort of way that is sure to appeal to a lot of people. It reminds me of The Da Vinci Code. One thing that immediately struck me as phoney was the way the author makes references to people of the past and claims that they all knew about the secret. Where is the evidence? There is none. All that you get are some very obscure quotes by some of the people listed (Einstein, Emerson and so on) that tell you absolutely nothing and that probably were retracted from a context that had nothing to do with the message of this book. She also claims that all these famous thinkers and scientists owed their success to knowing the secret. In other words, they believed their way to success. Come on! It sure takes a bit of talent and education as well! Really! The book is really talking to us as if we are children who need to be convinced that the author knows what she's talking about and we have no right to contest this because we're somehow lesser knowing. Another thing that made me raise my eyebrows was the loose way of using the term "Spirit". The author claims that spirit is like the genie in the bottle, all ready and prepared to fulfil all of your most ardent wishes. Later on there is some talk about humans really being equal to God and thus in the position of creating the reality they want, but it's really not very good literature. Spirit as I understand it is way beyond our comprehension and certainly a very active part of existance, rather than a passive force that a human ego can control and demand.

I was a bit taken aback that the universe was likened to a postorder catalogue. All you have to do is choose your wish and send out the order. While I don't necessarily object to the profanity of the metaphor, I do think that it brings down a very complex process to a very banal level. What I feel is that there is nothing all that wrong with the concept about the law of attraction per se, the problem is that it's only representing a narrow scope of reality. Perhaps it does act as an eye opener to people who have never thought in terms of spiritual "truths" before. What I see as problematic is that people usually get stuck on the most obvious statements of this truth such as "abundance is your birthright" and "you must only think positive thoughts and make sure you're state of mind is always one of happiness and well being". These act as life buoys in an uncertain world and tend to freeze into dogmas. I have met people online who have been very eager to push these "truths" onto me although it actually does state in the book that you must never do that as it's only serving the ego. Other people have been very depressed because they failed to manifest their wishes and feel very guilty that they have negative thoughts. What I see as a big danger apart from egoistic self-gratification is severe self-blame! It actually does say in the book that you should embrace all of your feelings but it's not really coming out that clearly. The overshadowing statement is basically that you must not give into negative or doubtful thinking and feeling (this is being repeated many times though in fact there is a passage saying that one positive thought will outrule many negative ones...). This is a ticket to a very hyped up sort of positivity that is likely to undermine the work a person might be doing in order to attract what they want. You cannot command your subconscioius, negative undercurrents to disappear magically!

The bottomline is; you cannot make certain negative tendencies go away just by thinking positive thoughts. And what I really want to stress is that there is no short cut to deep insight and wisdom. I myself am the first to admit that I only learn the hard way! I simply cannot imagine myself going around faking my inner life to sound like a prayer wheel of repetitive, lovey dovey thoughts and feelings that are only about the wonderful things I have in this moment. "I have a lot of money, I have the perfect partner, I have perfect health..." are examples of the sort of affirmations that were actually very popular back in the early 1990s already. If it works for some; fine... obviously everyone must do what they feel is working for them. I just think that it would require an easily suggestive mind in order to work, and that it would feel highly unnatural. This is only my personal opinion, of course!

I think that a big problem with this sort of thinking is also the idea that all we need to do is know what we want and then ask for it. I believe that we rarely know what we truly need, and that this is way more important than wanting things. Of course, some people are here on Earth with a purpose of discovering ways in which they can attain a higher level of happiness and success, but if you're on a serious spiritual path I really don't see "wanting" as very relevant. I like to believe that I am always guided by the more higher spiritual part of me, and so whatever comes my way is there as a challenge that helps me gain a higher level of wisdom. I don't think we learn much of any value from a very easy life. If this was the case, we would probably not be on Earth, but in some other realm where there are less opportunities to experience the friction between polarities. Every dilemma that I manage to solve leaves me feeling more accomplished, and this is a deep experience that has little to do with the puny "little" self, the ego. Of course there is always the option of using spiritual insight as a way of growing the ego, but I think that the more humbled you are by life and the incredibly complex forces at work, the less likely you are to want that. I have to say that it wasn't long ago that I had an experience of surrendering part of my will to Spirit and it caused a surge of Kundalini (a strong energy current) in me.

I think that claiming that you can keep your weight only by thinking that you have your perfect weight is a bit strange. I understand the concept, and maybe it does work for some. In my case my weight depends on what I eat and how much I exercise. To manically focus on keeping it is not really my thing. I also have to say that I got through University because I believed I would. But I also got through it because it was quite important in terms of my self-esteem and my life's purpose. Manifesting something like that "just because" doesn't make any sense to me. There are also lots of people who believe they have tons of money and end up heavily indebted. Of course, if you really did what The Secret tells you would also make sure that you don't believe in being indebted or somehow change your energetic frequency to match a state of true abundance. But really... we can certainly try but how realistic is it that we would be able to juggle with so many elements that are actually subconscious, for the most part? Better, methinks, to just take a step at a time and see how things really work out on this level of reality..?

I also like to stress that people do need to talk about their own hardships, and not keep it all to themselves as The Secret suggests. It's simply very bad psychology! Dwelling on negative things incessantly is a different issue... still there's a time for everything. You also cannot force feelings of love so all the imperative talk about having to feel massive amounts of love all the time is not realistic either. First and foremost, be kind to yourself!

Some time ago I met someone who really fancied me. It seemed that I represented all the things that this guy had asked for (he confessed to having pleaded to the universe). However, there were other things there as well: I also brought a host of challenges into this guy's life. In the end he refused the good as well as the bad and went back to a more comfortable lifestyle. Perhaps I was a manifestation in this person's life? The thing is, that could very well be the case because we certainly are not islands and so oftentimes we act out a role that someone else is needing to experience. I'm sure I learnt important lessons from all this myself. But this person obviously didn't really know what he wanted, and so the scenario had to collapse. I also don't want to pretend to know exactly what was really involved in the drama. Only time and deep contemplation may reveal some of the reasons behind the encounter, but some of it may remain embedded in the unconscious forever. All I can do is try and do the right thing, which in my vocabulary means being intuitive and following thoughts and feelings with utter attention and discernment.

I also wish to give another example of the complexity of life. I became friends with a very nice woman in the spring and was hopeful about the contact. One day she texted me something very short and dismissive. I was quite hurt, and didn't hear from her all summer. Recently I deleted her from my list of Facebook friends. Suddenly I received a sincere apology from her. She was asking to be my friend and explained what exactly had happened. There was no reason for me not to accept the apology and so there is a chance that we will be able to carry on our deep conversations. But the point is; I didn't manifest her return, in fact I had negative thoughts about her. There was no direct law of attraction implied other than that me taking a decisive step made her realize that she was attracted enough to our friendship so as not to let it go!

Finally, I want to say that I think the law of attraction is really quite common sense (don't most of all realize already that we attract certain things into our lives depending on who we are?) and not some hushhush "secret"! Perhaps it's just me but I really like to live life in a natural way. To me it does not mean living an unconscious zombie like existance (cf. the state preceding the awakening suggested by The Secret), but being attentive to all that goes on inside and outside of me. It's relaxing into the real me the way this "me" is manifested by Spirit in this time and place. I don't want to control my environment or make other people become something that I want through some idea about manifesting the perfect people to surround you with. It's not easy, but that's my personal challenge.

Honouring Negative Experiences and the Realness of the Illusion

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 19:07:00 +0000

In order that what I'm saying in this post would make sense, one needs to know what I mean by illusion versus reality. You need to postulate, that ultimately human beings are not just limited physical beings, but limitless beings of love. Limited existance here on Earth would thus be a sort of illusion. A lot of people tend to dismiss experience on this level as "only illusion", however. I rather promote a paradox which allows for this reality to hold a quality of "reality" as well. Really what I mean is that they are two sides of the same coin. I can't go into that in detail now since I have other things in mind, but this is the starting point.

Most people really want to live in lala-land. Which is perfectly understandable, since no one wants to suffer. While poverty and misery may help some in understanding deeper truths about life, it's not a virtue and really causes more negativity in the world. The well-to-do don't always realize it just as they don't realize a lot of things that compromises their comfort in the present moment, but their reluctance to take action to help change things will eventually creep up on them. Well, in many countries the rich are already living in their highly protected residences and the nature of the problem is pretty obvious to the onlooker, however in the Nordic countries this scenario hasn't quite hit home yet.

The smorgasbord kind of religion or spirituality that the New Age is, is particularly attractive to the Western middle class. The reasons are surely obvious; these people have the luxury to sit and ponder the meaning of their individual success on all levels of life and have the means to do research in order to find the particular tailored spiritual brand that suits them the best. They have the money to participate in all kinds of specialized workshops and seminars. Because their lives are already reasonably affluent, they can imagine a sort of paradise on Earth rather than in the after life. There's nothing wrong with all this, but we need to keep Maslow's hierarchy of needs in mind. There are plenty of people who don't have access to this sort of spirituality. They are stuck in the kind that is offered by their particular environment and limited to spending only a minimal amount of time and energy to pondering the deeper meaning of their belief system. They usually also don't have the education to understand the value of questioning social and/or religious authorities. I'm only saying this because it's easy to forget the 90% of the population who are really poor and unpriviliged. If you don't belong to this group, you tend not to want to know about it, because it's a threat to a sense of security that may nontheless not have much basis in reality. I'm not saying that there aren't some New Agey sort of people who have a real grip on things and also find a sense of security in an honest and true relationship with the "higher dimensions" or Source or whatever you wish to call it. However, I'm not so sure there are that many. Most people are really just enclosed in their safeguarded residences where they can share their visions as well as illusions with likeminded people.

Who am I to make this sort of judgment call? Well, one reason is that there have been very few people who have been able to make a real difference in my own life. I've had to find out the hard way that most people around really are very "middle class" regardless whether they are ordinary agnostics-or-atheist-or-passive Christians or "consciously spiritual"-or-New Age-or-Buddhist - these are the groups that I've been in touch with personally so I won't venture to talk about people with other forms of belief systems. It means that in general they love the comfy clichés and stereotypes that they can resort to in order to make it seem as if life is under control. Of course, clichés exist because there's a hint of truth in them, albeit they have frozen into a mold that is applied on all and sundry. These people love handing out advice about other people's attitudes, because that way they feel that they are under no obligation to actually do anything concrete. Whether people like to preach about a subjective form of spirituality according to which people have only their own bad attitude to blame for their misery or whether they just like to blame others in general, the burden of other people's suffering is always pushed away from themselves. They don't want to get their hands dirty so by talking about "attitude" rather than real life problems, they can live with the illusion that they are doing something good in the world. Of course, not all people are only doing this, some actually do also act on occasion. But in that case it's mostly for money. Few want to risk their sense of physical security.

What I'm describing here is really quite a nice life, and it allows for plenty of theories that continue to keep the illusions going. For instance, people love Tolle's "Power of Now". While what he presents are old viewpoints that have been said many times before, it's really quite a comfortable attitude that can lull you into believing that no concrete action needs to be taken. And I also wonder how to tell this attitude apart from the hedonistic attitude about living the here and now without concern for consequences? While I can sense the difference, I wonder if everyone can. Self-help authors usually become popular only if they offer a confirmation that a comfortable life style really is quite okay and you don't really need to sacrifice any of it for other people. So where does it leave us? Well, people may be finding personal fulfillment but how long does it last? If people were really present in the Now they wouldn't look to 2012 for changes, but act on the problems that exist right now. Again I'm sure there are people who understand all this, I'm just worried about the others... and I'm also concerned that narcissism is getting the better of people.

In reality, not many are there for other people. Even mother Theresa is said to have been a fake. It's amazing how many people buy into the myth about her without questioning whether it's true or not. So you only have yourself in the end. I know, it sounds like a cliché. But what I want to say is that the image people have of the sole survivor and the strong individual who survives all of life's adversities like a true hero is bullshit. People just don't want to look at misery and acknowledge that not all endings are happy endings. If they did, the illusion about their own comfort would be challenged. Now I personally don't want to watch movies that have unhappy endings, it really is distressing. So I understand this tendency in human beings. Problems arise when denial is on all the time and people can't really tell fiction from reality. Of course, the more overwhelming misery in the world is getting, the more people will want to be in denial. All this is normal but problematic nonetheless. One does wonder if this particular nightmare will ever end?

What is the cure for this state of affairs? Some would say "ascension" and I can't really rebuke that in any way. I just think it's a bit funny that some wait for divine intervention while they cross their hands. Whatever the case may be, it seems to me there really is only one way of really getting in touch with reality, and that is learning about life the hard way. As a spiritual person, you may think that you understand the deeper issues of life and understand that this 3D reality is not "reality" but an illusion, however only when they get so painful and tormenting that you can absolutely not doubt their realness, then you actually learn something. Understanding that life without love is an illusion is one thing, but seeing that its opposite is every bit as real is in my opinion to have a real understanding of things. As I have always pleaded, it's about paradoxes. You can't sit in your residence like an armchair philosopher and understand what life is really about by thinking about it only. It just doesn't work. Of course love is important, but I see it more as a complement rather than a cure-all (strategy and action "male style" is every bit as valid in this reality as the exchange of positive vibes "female style"). So even if you know that what you're going through is an illusion (and really you're bloody fortunate if you do), if it doesn't feel absolutely real all the same you are not "getting it". When I realized this I understood why all my negative feelings are valid. They are the simple result of the fact that one's life's struggle appears so very freaking real that one feesl like killing oneself (not saying I will but only that the deeper into the "illusion" you go, the more it hurts and the more you want out of it at any price). You get that close to self-destruction not because you are living a negative illusion of life, but because it torments and haunts you more than anything you could ever imagine in an armchair in a comfortable residence or a totally different dimension. Honouring the fact that your spirit has agreed to limit itself so much that this experience has become possible is surely the first step towards a really useful enlightenment. And who knows, many an "enlightened" spirit may be walking around without having any means of proving that they actually are. While we do need to strive towards a happier outlook on life, the experience of many negative feelings may sometimes be a doorway to a deeper understanding of the problems that other people are experiencing. If nothing else, it helps you take action rather than remain a dull preacher. And of course, ultimately an experience is just an experience. What's the use of hell if nobody goes there, eh? ;-)