A Spiritual Journey On Planet Earth

THE CURRENT SPIRITUAL SITUATION AND ALL THOSE ASCENSION IDEALS...

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 14:44:00 +0000

I asked my husband to help me do some searches on the internet because he's so good at coming up with search terms. I have been feeling as if it's very hard to breathe, and in general felt pretty under the weather for no apparent reason. Well, one reason might have been some issues and worries about my mother but the feeling continued and didn't seem to make sense. Maybe it's just the weather and low pressure (literally feeling "under the weather", ha!). Perhaps this climate isn't very good for me. I was curious though whether there was anything going on cosmically speaking. We looked up "cosmic weather reports" and such, but could find nothing of any interest. At best there were explanations about the current situation of global economy and how it's all still a great mess. Apparently a few days there was a full moon and a constellation that might have brought out some emotional issues.

We then looked up some lightworkers to see if there are any signs of life and if there are thoughts about what's going on from an esoteric point of view. Well in fact the big site lightworkers.org was not available (it seemed to have disappeared but it could have something to do with our server). We figured they had all ascended! Oops. There are many very pink (ok read gaudy and utterly tasteless) sites out there that are basically just repeating the same old, and nobody seems to have anything very new and thought provoking to say. "The ascension symptoms" is still the same old list of issues and as my husband said, it really just sounds like being human! From my point of view, many of them sound a lot like fibromyalgia which of course is increasingly common within the female population. Some of the issues are of a more spiritual nature but I'm sure that people who have a lot of mystical experiences are quite aware of what they are and don't need to read about them from a list... Anyhow, maybe it's a good thing if there aren't too many predictions out there (or maybe I just didn't find them) - perhaps the truly evolved are hesitant to say things that could be misinterpreted.

The whole idea of putting labels on things so that people fit into categories seems very perilous to me. Many people so want to feel special and part of an elite. Very often people are not what you think they are anyway, looks may be very deceiving! People have a frame of reference for deciding on what kind of level others are, and it may be very false. In reality we are probably all here for very different reasons.

And seriously - too many times I have already heard people who claim to be psychic say oops, things didn't go according to plan because not enough people were ready for spiritual changes. It doesn't take much to see that most people are still in a state of oblivion and not very interested in self-development, struggling to survive in times of great global imbalance. It takes time, here on Earth, for collective evolution to take place. I don't know how much time but I am not surprised that profound changes aren't instant. At them moment, collective insanity is definitely increasing, but I certainly hope we have reached the peak!

It occurred to me, that the fact that I have no clear feelings on the subject of ascension is maybe that there aren't any to be had. I do think there's an acceleration of evolution on the collective and individual levels, and I am quite certain of this. In fact all you need to do is just look around and see how society is speeding up, and this is obviously not isolated from the individual psyche. It seems dangerous though to read too much into these things, to hypnotize yourself into believing in hypotheses. To be centred in yourself or at least attempt to be, is the best way to be in my opinion. Flirtation with religious concepts often takes people away from who they really are, something which needs to be acknowledged and integrated before they can expect significant spiritual changes. I am not saying there aren't people who aren't very evolved, but don't ever make the mistake of comparing yourself with them. We are not here to compete, in fact we need to get out of the habit of comparing ourselves with others. Note what's going on and decide what sort of person you really want to be. Then keep this in mind at all times. Avoid putting on the role of the happy happy lovey dovey person if this is not who you are naturally. Too many people who are interested in self-development simply take on a new persona and think they have solved their problems - it's a kind of spiritual role playing and highly deceptive.

Positive thinking is an anti-thesis to negative thinking and will therefore not remove negativity. It's a polarised way of thinking that keeps you stuck in dualistic behavioural patterns. You cannot force these things, only gently acknowledge your negativities and see what you can do to break the patterns. One important thing is to give up some of the control we are so used to exercising, but doing it in the right kind of way! You don't just decide to rely on the universe providing you with everything... we do need to be proactive and responsible, not passive. We need syntheses and ways of integrating life as it is while gently working towards greater emotional openness. Gently, I say - myself and others (anecdotally anyway) have sometimes worked with ourselves so much we have become too open too soon, and the heart energies have gone all wiry and in some cases even worse things have occurred. One becomes vulnerable but not resilient - herein lies a danger. To dare open up again from having been too open to attack becomes the focus of some new inner work.

I find it deeply disturbing that the ascension ideas have driven a wedge between "the evolved" people and the ones who are not. Again I'm not saying everyone sees it this way but I think a lot of the talk out there can reinforce elitist thinking in immature individuals. We also have to remember that there are many, many chronically ill people who really have a hard time keeping up with everything. Their task is sometimes immense, and should be respected rather than spit on as the result of their own inability to create a better reality. At best it can be a noble task.

It's a bit telling when someone posts an advert about a book about Kuthumi in the comments section on my blog. From Wikipedia: "According to Theosophy, Kuthumi is considered to be one of the members of the Spiritual Hierarchy called the Masters of the Ancient Wisdom which oversees the development of the human race on this planet to higher levels of consciousness. In the Ascended Master Teachings, Kuthumi is one of the Ascended Masters who collectively make up the Great White Brotherhood." I do take objection to the fact that someone posts adverts on my blog - it is not a very evolved way of acting. As for ascended masters and all that... well believe in it if you feel it's important to you, but don't feel obliged to. You may have a different sort of spiritual life that doesn't include beings from other dimensions. You are, after all, on Earth! There's plenty enough to focus on right here... beware of getting distracted by shiny things and what appear to be elevated ideals of other dimensions!

I do think that some people have very heavy and difficult lessons to learn, and it may be the greatest purpose of their current existence. It can be very disconcerting not to know for sure why you feel a lot of things that appear not even to come from yourself. On the other hand, you may have surges of self-developmental reactions that are peculiar to yourself at any given time. Not dwelling on this too much but trying to do something creative with it would be my advice. For what it's worth! Also, there are people who are very serious about spiritual evolution and who are acting it out in the world rather than outside of it, not afraid of including all aspects of being into their belief systems.

A DREAM ABOUT FINDING ONESELF...

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 11:45:00 +0000

One should never make the mistake of thinking that Islam has nothing to offer. It's easy to be influenced by a lot of negative propaganda. Nonetheless, there are many strands that promote all the good things such as compassion and mindfulness. While there are exoteric forms of the religion - i.e. ones that focus only on rituals and other external ceremonies and behavioural patterns - there are also esoteric forms which focus on the inner life of the individual. Sufism is the most known esoteric belief system in the Arabic world.

Nonetheless, I never found myself drawn to Islam and didn't read much about it at Uni. I think in my mind I see it as a bit of an antithesis to my own belief system even though in reality it's a bit unfair to parts of it. Some cultures just don't click! Therefore it was interesting that I had a dream about Islam.

I had lost my car, I couldn't remember where I had parked it, and most cars were the same colour (my cars have always been silver). This tends to be a recurrent theme in many of my dreams. As I was looking for it I came across a congregation of Muslims in a street corner. My impression of them was a good one. I had seen the same one in the morning, but in the evening I decided to join in. I suspected I had lost a piece of garment there and I did get it back from a kind looking boy. I felt drawn into the ceremonies and enjoyed a surprising sense of peacefulness that almost made me a bit uncomfortable because they were performing exoteric rituals. Still it felt esoteric, as it touched my heart. I was reluctant to leave. I received a pendant, round with a cross I believe, but had to give it back at the end because I was new.

So what does it all mean? Perhaps, that I feel a bit lost in the sense that I can't seem to find or 'hold onto' my inner self and motivation at the moment (the lost car). I feel that I am lost among so many other creative people (the cars were all silver coloured, which denotes intuition and subconscious riches). Yet there it was, right in front of me and in the open; a form of spirituality that I had not expected. It looked so different from what I thought spirituality was going to be for me. But in keeping an open mind I was able to be touched by it. I received some form of initiation but only for the moment. Perhaps it represented something I am not quite ready for just yet, but it's there for me if I want it. Wholeness, harmony and stability (the round shape with a cross) and a connection with the inner self that I could have with me at all times (a necklace). The congregation was marked by kindness and soulfulness. I recall most of the beautiful garments and objects were golden, a symbol of authentic spirituality.

BLOGLOVIN...

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 18:16:00 +0000

Apparently I'm having to post this in order to get listed...
Follow my blog with Bloglovin

CELEBRATION! 100 Posts

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 13:30:00 +0000

I am celebrating the fact that this is my 100th post by trying out a new template! Well, I am not really counting this as a post so it will be the next one.

DO YOU HAVE TO SUFFER FOR YOUR ART?

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 16:26:00 +0000

Creativity and the Shadow in a Dualist World

An Article

Most people who ponder the meaning of artistic creativity ask themselves whether hardships and suffering are conducive to good art. It is still very much an open question and therefore worthy of more contemplation. In the following, I will talk about the nature of creativity in general as well as attempt to address this controversial topic from my personal point of view. One of my guiding themes is the dualist nature of reality which echoes the way we orientate ourselves (up/down, light/dark, good/evil, positive/negative, etc.), but is also responsible for the fact that our minds are incessantly taking sides (if one thing is perceived as positive, its opposite will undeniably be negative). Another theory that governs my thinking is the Jungian concept of the Shadow. It is the part of our psychological reality that is not readily accessed by every day consciousness, yet another truly significant consequence of the dualism I've been talking about. Not only does it play an important role in the artistic process as subconscious material tends to surface when you express yourself, but I will also argue that it plays an important role in truly meaningful art as it mirrors the collective shadows that make this reality into such an intriguing place to be.

I did not have a happy childhood, but my parents were professional photographers and so I got used to hearing arguments about imagery, and looking through photomagazines became a favourite past time of mine. My mother tried to encourage me to be creative, but all that I remember of that is that she wanted to prevent me from using any premade drawing patterns and insisted that I exercise the faculty of observation instead. I was emotionally blocked and probably not particularly creative, although I obviously had a talent for artistic expression that was encouraged at school. When I think back I find it rather curious that I was the only one at school who was any good at drawing. Because I had no challenging competition, my abilities in this area were never questioned. I have no doubt this gave me the confidence to enter the the world of art later on in life.

To begin with, I didn't have the confidence to make fine art. I was admitted to Helsinki University in my native country where I studied philosophy and the history of art for a few years. I was rather good at analyzing other people's work, but at some point I had to ask myself whether my approach was in fact purely intellectual and not emotionally attuned. I also wondered whether there was a well of creativity somewhere deep within myself that I had yet to discover.

I thus set out to uncover my stealthed emotions and find out about any potential creativity that might be lurking in the subconsciuos mind. I made it through the entrance exams in an arts college in the South of France where I did a year of general arts. After this, I was accepted to a college in Normandy where I did graphic design for a year and illustration for two years. Looking back, I think it would have been rather nice to have gotten a proper fine arts education, but if I am to be honest it was probably illustration that helped trigger a sudden ability to express myself artistically. While studying my dreams I was jolted into a spontaneous, rather illustrative, symbolic expression that has been mine ever since.

Curiously, creativity was not encouraged at L'Ecole des Beaux-Arts. I found that most teachers were geared into negativity and praise was rare. This made it very hard for me to find any joy in what I was doing, and completing the assignments was incredibly laborious. I was young and stubborn, yet I only persevered for four years until returning to Helsinki University. This time I took up comparative religion and wrote my MA thesis in 1999 about the ontological status of creativity within the New Age movement. I wanted to know all that there was to know about creativity, but this time I took the intellectual approach and only used this particular form of spirituality as a pretext for my research.

I had noticed, that creativity was an often talked about phenomenon in New Age circles, and that it seemed to own a rather peculiar status. This status was ontological, which means that there is an assumed equation mark between creativity and the basic nature of reality. In other words, in this view creativity is a fundamental to life. I found that the arguments went back to Quantum Physics and the idea that on a sub atomic level there is a boundless sea of creative potentiality waiting to come into existance. Especially the quantum physics David Bohm and Danah Zohar did a good job in demonstrating this viewpoint. From an esoteric point of view, it is the mysterious spiritual force called Kundalini that owns the same ontological status within every human being. This is an ancient sanskrit term adopted by the East looking modern spiritual adepts, and it is commonly thought that “rising the Kundalini”, in other words awakening a dormant subconscious energy, enhances creativity and over all well being, as well as helps connect with higher levels of consciousness. In fact, this force is interlinked with evolution itself (and by this I specifically mean the evolving mind or consciousness although in a general sense it covers all of life). It appears that this force is always active to some extent, which accounts for a general ability to be creative. Various blocks within the human energy field prevents this force from functioning in a harmonious way. Over stimulation of the Kundalini force can, on the other hand, have disastrous results. The unprepared psyche could go into psychosis, nor would the body be able to handle such a powerful energy. Personally, I find this a totally fascinating and very rewarding theory about the nature of the psyche.

Over the centuries, various esoteric cosmologies have pointed to the idea that reality sprouts from one source, a divine “all that is”, the very matrix of reality, and that in fact, the created and the creator are one and the same. The artist, who is the obvious exemplary of creativity, would be the conduit of reality's basic tendency to manifest creativity out of pure potentiality which in a paradoxical sort of way is underlying reality but of it at the same time. The rise of individualism instigated philosophy that pondered the real nature of the subject and the object, and how this dualism was part and parcel of evolutionary progress as, in Hegel's terms, thesis and antithesis gave rise to synthesis.

Modern spiritual views have found a scientific argument in the research done by the quantum physics, especially the theory that the observer of a phenomenon will affect the nature of the observed object. Without going into all the complicated details and consequences of this way of thinking, I wish to bring out the rather exciting thought that the creative person is intrinsically connected to the creative product. In a sense we cannot avoid expressing ourselves precisely the way we truly are unless we manipulate our products in order to ingratiate ourselves with someone else. By expressing yourself authentically, be it through suffering or joy, you are expressing what really is in a deeper existential way. The division between subject and object may thus be an illusion, if we are to believe the idea that dualism is just one of the mind's way of making sense of reality. One might even go as far as suggesting along with many esoteric thinkers that we create our own reality, yet this time I will have to leave this open to interpretation. Nonetheless I urge anyone who is seriously interested in the subject to allow themselves this thought experiment. Personally, I have found dualism to be the very fabric of the messages I wish to bring forth in my art and writing.

Esoterics aside, I think that as soon as you look at creativity as an inherent part of being human, it changes your perpective altogether. To me it is very much a force that can never be completely eliminated, and it will always look for an outlet in one way or another. When you think about it, creativity really does sprout in the most dire of circumstances. It is literally all around us. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, especially known for his theory on the flow creative moments, has remarked that the less options people are faced with, the more likely they are to be creative. This suggests that restrictions can be beneficial to creativity. On the other hand, if the mind is very shattered and unable to focus, you are not very likely to enter the flow characterized by great creative inspiration.

Although we are naturally creative and have a complex civilization to show for, it is also quite clear when we look around us that some people are incredibly creative and some are much less so. My impression is that people do need a driving force, a real fiery passion, in order to be truly creative. I don't really think it matters what this driving force is. It could be a general desire be expressive of the self and to communicate this with others, or it could be the sense of “mission” so that a certain topic becomes the goal of creative acts. Emotional dysfunction can be a hindrance, but it seems that it isn't necessarily responsible for creative draught. I was in my teens when I started to have a very pressing need to write about my own lack of emotional connection. In actual fact, a lot of what I wrote was insightful and creative, and when I didn't write I felt disconnected from a mysterious and indefinable inner source. Later on, I equated creativity with being able to create images, but I can now see that the reason I felt this way was that I had more trouble finding my personal visual expression. Once I found it, I was able to churn out a great deal of artwork about my emotional process, and this was a goal in itself. When I had reached a point in life where I was emotionally open, I also felt that I had said all there was to say about the really important things in life. Part of it was being less emotionally tormented, and part of it was a feeling that spiritually, I knew where I stood and had no pressing desire to explore it further through my art. On top of this, I also felt exhausted from years of hard work in putting up exhibitions. Since my health has always been frail, in fact there was much suffering involved in getting the art to the public.

There is a kind of luminous state of mind, a state of something that could be divine inspiration. I have felt it sometimes, either writing or coming up with imagery. I dug up so much emotional material after years of working with myself that I got rather swamped in it all and I do feel that in a sense all this obscured some of the luminosity. We can only be what we are at any given moment, and in the end it is all part and parcel of the human condition and life in the widest sense of the word. I believe that one can get very self-absorbed and sollipsistic about certain shadows, and lose sight of what is truly important. It's easy to think one has a mission of sorts when it's really only serving an egotistic purpose. Yet sometimes I feel a need to express a problem of the collective shadow as if this issue has relevance in a greater sense and has an illuminated quality about it.

There was indeed a turning point about ten years ago. I had been very driven to create images that expressed the conflict I experienced from living in a dualist reality. However, rather than being torn by this conflict, I sought reconciliation and acceptance. My pieces expressed a tension between a belief in a higher form of reality and the real life struggles to survive physically and emotionally. The paradox that came out of this tension is what I believe makes my pieces unique. Apart from attempting to uncover my own “Shadows” in the Jungian sense, a medical condition I deal with since childhood was the reason for many of the negative feelings I was experiencing. Nonetheless, I felt I was making pictures in which other people could mirror themselves, and people did indeed buy my all of my art. I trusted that even if they didn't know why a piece attracted them, they could sense my intentions subconsciously, but also make up their own story whenever necessary. It was all about sharing with the aim of helping others to understand their own difficulties. And hardships do help me understand more about life and the human condition. Yet it also goes without saying that some circumstances are overwhelming and stifling, and for instance financial difficulties often stop artists in their tracks.

My medical condition was, however, also responsible for the fact that I had to change from drawing and painting to collaging. My view of reality was at this point becoming more complex, and it seems to me that this was also reflected in my art. Did I still have anything valuable to say? I keep on going, realizing that my life's work was always going to be more about understanding the shadow side of life rather than pointing to the sunshine, and I accept this as a fact about my life's purpose. Although in reality I embrace both sides of life, I feel an urgency in helping to clarify the issues about the human psyche that make things go wrong. In fact, even creation itself can entail a bit of suffering as I struggle to focus and get it right. In my case, I believe suffering has been a prerequisite to the creation of my art – it is art with a message about the human condition and ways to improve it. I think it is perfectly possible to create art which is not based in suffering and only in passion, but I would question its deeper significance in this time and age. However, I believe there is nothing wrong with a piece of happiness on your wall or in your space if that's what makes you feel better about life. In the end, all things are relative in a dualistic world.

© Vivi-Mari Carpelan 2011. Any anauthorised use of this article is strictly prohibited.

The factual references in this article were taken from my MA thesis:

Carpelan, Vivi-Mari 1999

Vid kreativitetens källa. Kreativitetens ontologiska status inom den nyandliga världsbilden

Avhandling Pro Gradu, Religionsvetenskapliga institutionen, Helsingfors Universitet

Relevant Literature:

Bohm, David 1998

On Creativity. Edited by Lee Nichol. London & New York: Routledge.

Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly 1996

Creativity. Flow and Psychology of Discovery and Invention. New York: Harper Collins Publishers.

Hanegraff, J. Wouter 1996

New Age Religion and Western Culture. Esotericism in the Mirror of Secular Thought. (Studies in the History of Religions, vol LXXII). Leiden, New York, Koln: E.J. Brill.

Mokerjee, Ajit 1983

Kundalini. The Arousal of the Inner Energy. London: Thames & Hudson.

Sannella, Lee (M.D) 1987

The Kundalini Experience. Psychosis or Transcendence? California: Integral Publishing

Zohar, Danah 1990

The Quantum Self. Human Nature and Consciousness Defined by the New Physics. New York: Quill.

Zweig, Connie & Abrams, Jeremiah (ed.) 1991

Meeting the Shadow. The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature. New York: G.P. Putnam's Sons.

Friendship in Mid Life: Crisis and Beyond

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Wed, 11 May 2011 15:21:00 +0000

When I started to write about this particular topic, I quickly found myself stuck, rethinking and rewriting a lot. It can only mean that it's a diffiuclt subject for myself, but I will still try and sort out some main concerns.

In the past, I have talked quite a lot about the interaction between people on internet forums. In general, my experiences have showed me that people easily forget all about good manners when they don't have to deal with you in real life. I too, have made mistakes; I easily open up and pour out all about my inner life and personal challenges, and of course it's going to irritate people or give them an incentive to be helpful in the wrong way. Many people, especially ones who work as healthcare professionals or have recently awoken to the new age spirituality, can be a bit over-eager to help someone they perceive of as needy. Oh how embarrasingly easy to slip into the victim mode even just a tiny little bit! We all do it - well most of us anyway - yet it's one of the hardest things to admit. And people can be very cruel in their dogmatic rigidity.

My inner alarm goes off when I get a sneaking suspicion that they are not particularly in tune with who I am and what I do but more interested in my 'issues'. I have learned valuable lessons in mirroring my own issues and the frustrations I have felt because of the responses from other people, but also about not continuing to project my need to talk to other people about the more personal challenges onto people I have never even met in real life. I have to have a very good feeling in order to go onto that level with anyone online. It's all about gut feeling or intuition - staying mindful is the key. The discernment I learned to exercise was nonetheless conditioning me to a kind of paranoia that carried over to real life - this was an over alertness that needed to calm down.

For a number of years the internet was an important outlet for my social needs, but eventually my real-life situation changed and I was very relieved to leave that stage behind. Blessed were real life people - I no longer took them for granted! I had seen a lot of depressing things, and preferred to continue leading my life knowing much less about other people's shadow sides. I rather turn a blind eye to a lot of it, something which strangely seems easier to do out in the real world as opposed to the confines of the internet. I don't need to deal with other people's neuroses. This is not to say that in a way, other people's neuroses aren't part of you, because in life you see what you need to see in order to learn your lessons of life.

The importance of saying no to all that cannot be over estimated, however. Perhaps it's a sign of maturity, a way of finally establishing healthy boundaries and recognizing you don't need all this mirroring and extreme emotion. Maybe you're just growing old, or even becoming more self-centred and conceited, having decided that people aren't worth your time. Whatever the reason, you do need to learn to filter your experiences in order to be less scattered, overwhelmed, confused and lacking in groundedness. You no longer have quite the strength and stamina to tackle the misery that abounds, whether it be conscious and ostentatiously out there, or subconscious and hidden from direct view. The idealism of youth is dissipating, changing into a more level-headed attitude to life. I never thought of myself as idealistic, but I can now see that I have been that way a bit in the past. The passion and ardour with which I pursued my 'mission' is no longer obvious, and I am yet to find what exactly will replace it. I believe that opening up to an equanimity that will help deal with this in a less pessimistic manner is vital, but I also think that you cannot know to look for this unless you have already experiences what is normally part of becoming middle-aged. It's easy to make excuses and give up in the name of old age; this is not what maturity should really be about.

The scary thing about the fatigue of mid life is that many people probably feel the same. While it was cool to get to know other people when you were young, and chatting was often deeply inspired and intense, it almost grinds to a halt when you reach middle age. It's rare to find a kindred spirit who also has time to spend chatting away. In general, striking up real friendship becomes slower and more arduous, because no one wants to get hurt and rejected again, nor do they wish to spend their limited resources on people outside of their family or work. People with some intelligence remember and imagine all the things that go wrong between people, and hesitate to take yet another risk. While I feel tired myself, and for good reasons, I also wish to counteract some of this tendency, as it can lead to complacency and unwillingness to embrace different ways of thinking and living life - you can lose the ability to listen to others. Self-acceptance mirrors the acceptance of others. It's a ping-pong effect, as more acceptance of others probably fosters more self-acceptance, and vice versa. It's complex and in this area, self-sabotage happens very easily. Very often people start competing to reject each other first. It's important however, not to dwell on who's to blame, especially be careful about simplistic new agey concepts such as self-rejection which hardly helps anyone in the facing of their blocks.

There is a spiritual viewpoint, which suggests that anything you react to outside of yourself is really only tickling your own repressed shadow issues. In other words, no one is 'doing' anything to you, but you are experiencing an emotional response because you have a problem. If you feel that people reject you, maybe you have a subconscious tendency to reject others. This tendency might show itself as defensive mannerism and jugmental attitudes. Maybe you're not as open and friendly as you thought you were. You might say, that it's the people in this particular place where you find yourself who are unfriendly and dismissive. Yet, there are all sorts of personal reasons of karma that took you to this place and made you attract the experiences that you find offensive. You can trace the whole line of cause and effect backwards in time - well, in reality it spreads out like a great net of causal events, in all directions. There is no point in trying to understand all that this entails; it's too complicated and most of it is imbedded in the unconscious anyway. It can be overwhelming and depressing. Beat yourself up for the repeated failure to learn your lessons and you have the start up of the darkest of depressions! What you need to do is locate the repressed feeling and liberate it; yes, it's easier said than done, but it's a vital part of our development as humans.

While I subscribe to this spiritual viewpoint, I do find it somewhat polarised and therefore a bit problematic. There are also collective energies and tendencies tied to certain times and places. While all this is no doubt intricately connected to you and your place in the whole so that you can live and learn lessons of unimaginable scope, there are probably also collective issues that have nothing whatsoever to do with you. In general these are things you don't feel attracted to or get entangled in. I'd therefore like to propose a slightly less polarised view, a paradox that encompasses a subjective and objective stance within one and the same framework, suggesting a less sollipsistic and claustrophobic atmosphere of 'me, me and more me'.

War or a natural catastrophy is something that goes on somewhere in the world but it may not concern you directly. However, as all the energetic movements on our planet and in our cosmos are so complicated, we are still likely to get affected by them in some ways. For instance, there may be very important cosmic changes going on but it's not necessarily easy to establish where your place in the grand scheme really is. I feel that this can sometimes make creative, sensitive people more withdrawn, and so it will reflect on my own social life. Or maybe it's as simple as your husband's ex feeling jealousy... how much of that has anything to do with you? You can see what your feeling response is and then walk away. It's up to us how we respond; this can always be made into a lesson of sorts. It's never really wasted, is it?

In the case of friendship I would thus conclude that you may have to look at a lot of unpleasant shadows in other people that don't have anything much to do with you, but you may still react to them. If you're a highly sensitive person (as defined by Elaine Aron), you are most certainly reacting to all sorts of things that are worrysome. Not only do you realize how little people actually care, how preoccupied they are with their own lives, and how limited their understanding of other people's problems really is... you end up sharing much less, as you know that many subjects are beyond authentic sharing. Wishful thinking is no longer part of your mental vocabulary. You have become so very complex (as opposed to just complicated), so people who really understand where you're coming from are rare and far between. Ironically, the oldest friends are often the most loyal even when you don't have a whole lot in common. Familiarity takes on a new meaning, providing a sense of much needed security. You're tired of being exhausted from feeling that you're giving more than you're receiving, thereby limiting your entanglement with anything that doesn't happen with directness and spontaneity. I try and act on spontaneity, even if it makes me feel pushy at times, but my Nordic shyness often gets the best of me. Insert some more bladibla... In any case it's hard to say whether the chicken comes before the egg. Ideally, you would give unconditionally, not expecting anything back. Yes we all know that, but how to put it into practice?

You do need to stop and revise your attitudes, with candid honesty about the issues that are keeping you from embracing others lovingly, while opening yourself to change. Hand on heart; how many of us are that filled up with surplus energy and unconcerned by past conditioning and trauma? For most of us, there is still work to be done not only to become more authentic, but also to open up more to our spiritual intelligence. As you clean out your subconscious mind of issues, you start seeing things more for what they really are. Even friendship itself may need to be redefined, for instance to encompass a more accepting attitude to the coming and going of people in our lives or more differences. I know that for myself, a problem is giving out a lot of energy to form relationships, and then seeing people disappear from my life. I believe the answer is to accept the ephemereal nature of all aspects of life, but also become a better conduit of energy so that you do not replete yourself. Or; you may find that it is better at this time to stand back and conserve energy by not scattering it about. It is your mindful choice.

When I got married, I was deeply disappointed with the lack of attention from people who I expected something from because I considered them my or my husband's friends. The wounds are deep, but at some point I had to just realize that most people have a lot of dark shadow stuff embedded in their subconscious minds, and that breaking the contact because of this was not always such a good idea. A lot of dark stuff is out in the open these days - this is a good thing. Making these decisions was very heavy, and I still feel hurt. I know I'm dealing with something on the inside that is escaping my mindful eye, because it's comfortable being the way it is. The mind can trick itself into seeing only what it wants to see, and even though I always thought of myself as being particularly observant of the workings of my own mind, something is obviously escaping me. It will be interesting to see what emerges, as it is already about to be exposed.

The question is, should we expect to do shadow work with our friends? Well, recently I have been despairing because it seemed to me that I had become so transparent and 'touchy' that the only way to relate to anyone was by opening up and dealing with disappointments and frustrations. It would require quite a motivated friend - again, I think that age brings about a sense that friendship shouldn't be yet another burden, and so it's not so easy to get to this point. I'm not sure friendship should be difficult, maybe it should really be an oasis, but sometimes we are so full of things to work out that it's the only way of getting anywhere. We may also be afraid of losing our friends by putting demands on them, and will thus hold back. Some restraint is probably necessary, as we need people in our lives and need to make informed decisions about how much to tolerate and how much to ask the other person to tolerate in return. Even the most motivated shadow worker probably has misgivings in this respect.

In practice, regarding friendship, you have to ask yourself, if someone doesn't cause you continuous stress then you should probably try and honour the years of friendship that the both of you have invested in it, and try and forget some of the hurt. I don't know how you stop expecting anything from people without closing off your heart, but I think it is definitely possible. The ongoing process is why making friends still seems like a big challenge and a source of pessimism or disenchantment, and I know I'm not alone in this. Like me, more and more people have challenges of a lasting kind that needs acceptance rather than overcoming (i.e. chronic illness), but the environment is not ready to accept deviance of any sort. Something still requires healing so that the heart ceases to be so vulnerable. A strong heart is capable of great compassion. Human beings are overwhelmed by life and few have a solid basis to stand on. Balance in give and take heals the ego self, whereas a lack of concern about giving unconditionally is part of a greater spiritual process. These are possible to attain, albeit amongst the most difficult tasks in life.

Nonetheless, many good things have come out of the internet.

Normality versus Abnormality - Defining the Difference

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 15:16:00 +0000

We all question our normality at times. As human beings we are bound to have negative feelings that we're not proud of. We don't always act rationally with sufficient restraint, and so on. Of course, normality is a very vague term that only refers to a generally accepted consensus in the environment we know best. But as such, it does have some validity and we should allow ourselves to learn the lessons this very fact has to teach us. It's about us in relation to others - how can we get along better? Let me say first of all that the fact that we question ourselves is already a sign of mental health, because our inner censor is at work. This is not the case with deeply disturbed people who need to enhance their self-importance to ridiculous degrees in order to maintain a sense of self. To acknowledge flaws would be too catastrophical to them. They wouldn't be able to live with the suspiscion that they are not the perfect human beings they wanted to be. If we feel so inclined, we can feel sorry for the sad history that has made them into such people, but the world is full of them and very often all they need to do is just get a grip or seek help.

We may not always know with confidence whether we're acting within the framework of normality ourselves, but we usually recognize seriously and detrimentally deviant behaviour in other people. I am not saying all deviancy is bad, because the world needs many different kinds - I'm talking about the kind that harms other beings. This is yet another reason for studying other people; it may be a bit of a new age adage that we're only responsible for ourselves and should not concern ourselves with others since we cannot change them, but my opinion is nonetheless that by looking at others we may get a perspective on our own thinking and feeling. This is how we can identify patterns in ourselves that aren't working for us or for other people in our vicinity. In fact, if we look mindfully, we can see ourselves in other people as if we were looking into a mirror. What we dislike about someone else is often something we dislike in ourselves. If we didn't, we'd probably feel pretty neutral about them. Sometimes they disturb us because we are forced to take a stand; we have to decide whether we should be around these people and if we decide their presence is unwholesome to us, we may have to take steps to distance ourselves from their sphere of influence. All this can in truth be quite tiring. I for one have gotten a bit tired of worrying about other people and have decided that some people should simply not be bothered with at all. People are always going to disappoint us as they rarely meet with our expectations. There are times when it's best not to think about others too much but just get on with one's own life the best one can.

I have written extensively about manipulative people so whoever is interested in more is referred to older posts. I have been quite interested in this phenomenon but I think this should be my last post on the subject. Truth to say people who feel the need to manipulate are sorry people with unhappy lives, and the best you can do is leave them to dwell on their own issues. They have problems that don't have to be yours as well.

My husband had an affair with a woman some years ago but recognized after four and a half months that she was not quite "right". He ended the affair but she wouldn't take no for an answer. She became obsessed with him and wouldn't leave him alone. She would do whatever it took to get him in bed with her. When he found me she stalked me online, in the most vile manner. She infiltrated into my private FB account and when we found out, she sent my husband stories about her perception of who I "really am" in order to warn him. When this didn't work, she sent me some derogatory story about my husband, including accounts of their sex and how she would love him forever and ever. Her page was full of spiteful comments about my husband in Dutch (easy enough to run through a translator). She's still sending me anonymous manipulative comments online, obviously with the intent of creating unease. Perhaps she thinks I don't see through these games or understand that she's behind it all. The last thing that came to my notice was that she had forced her way into our house on the morning after our wedding when we were at a hotel. My mother was at the door but completely taken by surprise when this woman "with the mean eyes" ran upstairs uninvited to have a look at our home. The truly sad part is that this woman is a preacher. I don't suppose her God is particularly pleased with her transgressions.

As a side note, nobody that I know in this little town is impressed with her as a human being or a minister. Needless to say, they are sick and tired of her rants about having been badly treated by my husband (who wouldn't hurt a fly). Among other things, she bought some stock for her shop from another local business and never paid for it. And this is not all... But she would probably not be able to see what she's doing, because presumably, in her mind she's not doing anything wrong. I am guessing that hiding behind a facade of spiritual authority in the role of a preacher is her way of justifying her existance in some way while trying to make sure no one sees her darker aspects. We have seen these kind of people over and over again - history is full of them. Religion is the greatest excuse and weapon humans have come up with, ironically the very anti-thesis of true spirituality.

Sometimes, people who want to be an authority within a church feel that as they consacrate their lives to God, God ows them something in return. They think they can expect God to be supportive of whatever they decide to do, and all means are sanctified. Some members of a parish believe that the authorities have been sanctioned by God, and this makes them especially vulnerable to manipulation. Some people are practically asking to be manipulated because they don't want to think for themselves.

While I don't know what drives the woman my husband had an affair with, she did actually do me a favour because she put normality in a perspective for me.

In extreme cases, people with sociopathic and/or narcissistic tendencies step beyond the boundaries of normality and common decency in ways we simply cannot ignore. Unfortunately, many live among us and therefore it's important to recognize the signs even when they are good at fooling people with their ingratiating ways. Intuition is your best guide. But I would also say that one sign of this type of personality disorder is the unability to let go of other people and instead continue to act as if they had a right to possess their victims, who should bend to their will. They are the first class bullies, with very little ability to feel empathy and understand other people's feelings - yet they love to tell other people how to run their lives because this is their power trip. The other sign is that there is no ability to see one's own wrongdoings, in fact there is a tendency to think that God or Satan or whatever entity inspire them is exclusively on their side, very much as fundamentalist religious terrorists or a cult leader would think. I don't think a normal person would be able to continue as an "authorized" advocate of deep religious values of truthfulness, kindness and love if they were able to acknowledge that they had these kinds of problems. If nothing else, this certainly is the greatest give away.

The term "sociopath" has nowadays been replaced with "antisocial personality disorder". Wikipedia says: "...common characteristics of those with Antisocial Personality Disorder include superficial charm, shallowed emotions, a distorted sense of self, a constant search for new sensations (which can have bizarre consequences), a tendency to physically or verbally abuse peers or relatives, and manipulation of others without remorse or empathy for the victim. Egocentrism, megalomania, lack of responsibility, extroversion, excessive hedonism, high impulsivity, promiscuity and the desire to experience sensations of control and power can also be present. This type of disorder does not relate to assaults of panic or to schizophrenia." In other words, people border on the abnormal when their anti-social behaviour is excessive and harmful to others.

True Equality!

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Mon, 31 May 2010 09:09:00 +0000

My energies at this stage in my life are preoccupied elsewhere, and I have not felt much inclination towards keeping this blog going. I am sure I will come back to it later when my life has settled but am apologizing for some delay... I am now in the midst of turmoil in that I'm moving countries and getting married. My previous entry was probably a bit soppy and I don't want to go on sounding insipid or trite! My focus has changed and I'm not sure how it will translate into more philosphical musings.

I recalled having written some things on equality in the past. I was in a lot of despair at the time because of the whole dating game that I experienced as so trying and depressing. I will pick out some central viewpoints and comment on them from my present perspective, which has shifted since I met my fiancée. I hope to take the discussion even further in the future as this is a very exciting subject matter.

"I come from a country where men and women had to work side by side in a rather equal fashion in order to survive the harsh climate. At least that's how equality in our country is usually being explained. Note that Finland is among the few countries that has a female president"

While this is true, it has also been clear to me that equality in Scandinavia has been taken to an extreme or to be more exact; is at this point in time it's ruled by certain arid, set concepts rather than true, feeling-based respect towards our differences as men and women. I found while dating that men in this part of the world had a tendency to either dismiss any form of gallantry towards the woman or even complained that they should have the same rights as women! This was to me a rhetorical reply rather than a genuine response from one human to another.

I saw a documentary by a Finnish guy that brought out the fact that gender studies at the University still refuse to acknowledge that there are any significant differencies between the ways men and women function. He demonstrated through his empirical research that men solve problems by setting up hierarchies and competitive situations while women prefer to negotiate on a basis of equality. While this to me seems self-evident (and more or less the message in the popular Venus and Mars - books) it was baffling to learn that authorities still wish to ignore this. It was also suggested that women have trouble asking for a higher salary and feeling worthy of it. I can certainly relate to this, though in other areas of life. Being a female go-getter is probably less common than finding an assertive male, though at the same time we mustn't forget that exceptions usually confirm the rules.

In my present relationship, we have acknowledged all gender differences from the very start and treated them as objective facts that we can joke about. It doesn't mean we don't take them seriously too, but only in relation to our need to fit together and work as a team. Many of our strengths and weaknesses are tied to our personalities or our physical condition, but a great number of them are also evidently tied to our gender. We are exploring these and trying to find a way of complementing each other that is genuine and respectful. I am very lucky to have met someone who is motivated to do this and doesn't hold his own activities or products as so sacred that they cannot be shared with another. His intelligence is such that he is able to grasp the higher meaning of teamwork within a relationship.

As an example, we curated an exhibition together and found that we were able to do a very good job as long as we did it rapidly without concerns of the ego. We have found that as soon as there is a sense of threat or accusation in one way or another, things go awry. (Luckily we aren't stubbornly holding onto matters of principle, which can be an efficient way of killing a relationship). I tend to make undue assumptions about the way men "always do things" because of bad past experience and he gets very upset when he feels accused of things he haven't done and isn't about to do. I am also the one moving to a different country and so I am quite overwhelmed by the prospect of fitting in and accepting all that is his. So far, we've mostly lived on my territory with my things. I can easily feel threatened as I have visions of how I want to lead my life, decorate my home, and so on. It's easy in these instances to forget about all the things we actually agree on and focus more on the differencies - especially if one doesn't quite understand what drives and motivateds the other. On the other hand, by testing these things and communicating them we are learning. I should also add, that I realized I have to stand up for myself more in order not to be treated in sexist ways by a society that easily sees the man as the leader - in our relationship, we are equal artistically speaking as well and I noticed that people didn't quite grasp the idea that we might be able to work as a team.

"I don't deny that my way of expressing myself can be perceived as strong by some people, but I am by no means a bully. I am not trying to get the upper hand, only have equal rights with everyone else. I am tender and giving but won't waste my efforts on anyone who only wants to reinforce their ego. I can't afford wasting my precious energy, as I don't have that much of it (at least for the time being). The fact that men have complained about the strong will of mine tells me that they have not been very strongwilled individuals themselves"

Well, I see myself as a bit of a paradox, as I have strong tendencies of nurturing but also refuse to be treated with disrespect or made into a doormat. I get very upset when I don't feel understood. But of course, to a great extent this has occurred in my life because not very many people have been able to relate to me on a deeper level. It takes a very intuitive and empathic man with a whole other set of values that aren't quite the norm to grasp what I'm about. It seems that I am indeed appreciated for the reasons I want to be appreciated, and that is for all the reasons by which I am different from most other people. I also need to add though, that my partner has no hang ups whatsoever about social roles and is also able to see my feminine essence rather than the way I represent womanhood within the framework of society. This applies to how I feel about my partner as well.The latter is a sense of the complementary qualities of yin and yang that is our basic working theory.

"One thing that I've noticed in my own life is that men want to be in charge of how a relationship develops. It starts with them deciding when to write or call, how to meet, and where to develop the contact. This to me is extremely stressful because for one thing I find it unacceptable and unfair, and on the other hand it wears on my over-stressed nervous system. I easily break down like I did the other day if I have to put up with a state of not knowing what the deal is"

I have found, that I actually want a man to be in charge a lot of the time but only if he truly respects me. Only now do I feel respected and also valued for the things that I am able to do, and so I have trust. I also have trust because I feel that my partner executes projects more or less the way I would too, and so there is seldom any conflict of interests. This helps me mellow out and allow him to take care of many things that are difficult for me. Of course, some people have to learn about compromise in some big way, but to me too many differences would detract from what I consider important. The things I know he's better at taking care of than me are especially things of a practical or physical nature, as well as technical issues. I am not physically equipped for many things. When it comes to technical problems I have realized that it comes more naturally to men to deal with those, and though women can certainly learn how to tackle them, it's often not worth all the trouble. I suppose I in return give him what he feels he needs, as this he tells me very often!

"I wish that men would realize how emotional women can sometimes be without it meaning half as much as they think. Secondly, I wish they would realize that their actions cause us to fret and ruminate for ages afterwards. Women spend an enormous amount of time trying to understand men, but when do they ever care to understand us? In other words; how can we ever reach true equality if one part of the population is not interested in investing any efforts into truly understanding the other part? This leads me to the core of my thinking, which is that rather than choosing sides and thinking in terms of either-or the way we are used to, we should really try and embrace both-and. So even though I'm a bit sad and nervous about the way men so easily dismiss me as "difficult" I still hope to give each individual the benefit of doubt. But my refusal to be submissive is probably going to cost me a lot of things that belong to a normal life on Earth"

I think it takes a bit for a man to realize that women often over-react. However, if they are willing to find a way of approaching us that doesn't appear patronizing, it can work out just fine. An intelligent man will see the meaningfulness in developing this kind of understanding and may even see it as a spiritual quest. I am lucky in that my partner is interested in how people function psychologically speaking and so there is always plenty to talk about. I always knew, that I would not be able to live with someone who didn't meet me in this area of life. I think that this form of curiousity defines a higher level of intelligence, but then I am biased, of course!

We do sometimes argue because neither of us wishes to be a doormat. We do, however, think that there are ways around it. First, we must realize that neither is ever going to be submissive and accept this as a fact. Then, it's a question of trusting the other not to be manipulative. I can see the temptation to manipulate another but am trying to catch myself every time. I also know that he's able to detect any such behaviour as a result of past experience and an analytical mind. It takes time to get to a place of true trust. This leads to the feeling of being respected and from this, more confidence and less fear of being put down in any way follows naturally. It takes effort, because you must always keep the other person in mind. You don't make important decisions without consulting with your partner. You try and remember the ways in which your partner complements your weaknesses and allow them to fill up that space for you. You treat your relationship as a kind of business relationship that extends indefinitely outwards in all the directions, in ways in which you can express love towards the other. At its best, it can encompass all of life's areas and help you evolve towards a greater sense of fulfillment as an individual as well as a couple.

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging your partner as complementary and in some deeper way as your other half. As always, I'd like to finish with a statement about the importance of seeing paradoxes as an expression of the greater truth about reality. I believe, that we can be whole unto ourselves as well as whole within a relationship. In other words, you can be a whole and a half at the same time. If you sense any truth whatsoever in this, I challenge you to think of ways in which this is possible! I believe this is for each and every one of us to find out for themselves. I would suggest, that this is the secret of the sort of equality this world will see more of in the future.

Life Starts When You Start Loving It

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 11:10:00 +0000

It's of course a common misconception that problems disappear when you find someone who loves you. We think that the acceptance of another will patch us up. In reality, the acceptance of another does help soothe the bruises and may help us grow. It's nonetheless my experience, that it's only when I enter a relationship that the real work begins. In between I've felt that I've been on hold in many ways. But the older I get, the more stuff there is to dig out, deconstruct and let go of. Apart from that, I don't really enjoy solitude very much. Even though I can be creative on my own, I find the lack of regular day-to-day interaction with another being quite deadening. It undermines my belief in myself and does nothing to strengthen my sense of self.

Yes, we can have what we want in life, but the point is really being aware of what we truly need in order to feel fulfilled and be able to evolve as human beings. At least we should get our priorities straight without resorting to stupid idealism; having love and better health is surely more important than money, but the money can come in quite handy and help us enjoy ourselves more. I find, that things progress is some mysteriously natural order, and I should not have doubts about this and try and force things in a headstrong sort of way. It's my belief that if you know yourself deeply, you will know what you need in your life at any given time and you will strive towards it, but you will also realize that life is inherently intelligent and therefore more capable of working things out for you than the little you are. Reach into yourself and feel what you need, then have an intention, but let go of the outcome. Life does give us what we need. You could call it the manifestation of your own desires, it really doesn't make a difference in a deeper sense if we postulate that we are one with life. However, we reside in a dualist space and so I prefer to choose my words carefully.

Anyhow - some of what we need is the dull stuff, the challenges that we have to work through in order to get to a better place. Some of what we need is wonderful, joyful stuff that makes life worth living. Some stuff we do for the sake of others; some stuff is for ourselves. Each aspect of life's "gifts" are equally important. Most of the time we only have an incling as to what we need and want in life, but there is no way we can imagine the full scope of the gifts of life as they usually stretch far beyond our imagination. Still, given our trust and faith, life can provide with a whole array of things that are truly good and useful for us. Just give it time... sometimes we do have to wait until the time is right.

Having doubts about your self-worth or the ability to attract good things in life is not really a problem. Just try and keep in mind that they are natural but do not need to define your life. I know this sounds a bit trite, but try and also believe, that miracles do occur. Sometimes, as I guess most of us realize when we really think about it, they are so small you hardly notice they are just that. The only answer is as far as I can se to be conscious and aware, notice everything that's going on and look at life with fresh eyes. There's always something to be amazed at. Why not just start with the assumption that life itself is pretty amazing... put the horrors aside; it's still a vast and complex piece of utter ingenuity.

So... I persisted in my pursuit of certain things, and they arrived. After a number of very dreary, lonely and very stressful years in a small town where social autorities are petty and doctors incompetent, I am finally on my way towards a place where I always dreamed of living. And what is truly amazing is, that the exact destination looks a lot better than what I had thought I might have to settle for. I have even been lucky enough to impart some hope to a few people around me, because my life started to change against all the odds. If as a result of my persistance, good things come to me, whatever other people really wish for can come to them as well. In my case, I did eventually find my better half - and the whole process has been a marvel. Someone did find me here in the middle of the dark forest, and has not left me since. I have met my equal, and it's a man! We are living the conscious relationship. Some of the process has been effortless and it's obvious that there's flow when things are working out in a positive direction. In some other ways, there have been a great deal of trouble. The body and mind that is used to a life of struggles is having a hard time adapting to the idea of a more pleasurable life (this manifests in the body as various pains, it seems). We also have to find ways of managing my chronic illness. It will still take time to adapt and find a way of keeping a vulnerable heart really open. In order to be open towards others, it needs to be open towards life itself. So the universe and I still have some dues to settle.

Alternation between theory and practice, objectivity and subjectivity

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 18:52:00 +0000

It seems to me that personal development comprises at least one theoretical and practical phase. By this I mean that most intellectually inclined people get excited about a certain worldview or beliefsystem tend to read up on things and organize their rational views for a while. I did just that but after a number of years of constructing the backbones of my worldview I got naturally bored with the limitations of intellectual thought. I say "naturally" because it felt just that; natural. There was only so much I could learn theoretically until it started to feel stale, repetitive and of course, most of all, removed from the actual fact of existing in this particular reality. When I think about it, I seem to recall some similar feelings coming to me earlier on in my life. To me it looks as though there's a wave-movement that alternates theory and practice in various forms throughout my life, some phases being more obvious than others. This resonates with my belief that all phenomena do in fact alternate in a yin/yang sort of fashion as they change with the progression of time.

Unfortunately, one can get stuck in a phase and resist change. It's easy to spot this sort of state of being in some people as they will invariably sound stifled and dogmatic in their intellectual approach to life's issues. So - there's nothing wrong with a theoretical framework, but it has to be integrated into one's personal being and way of life. Each one of us has to find their own way of doing it as it's bound to be a test and challenge to our individual uniqueness. Therefore, there is no textbook out there that will explain exactly how to do it so that it is right for you.This is a deeply subjective experience as opposed to the ingestion of theoretical knowledge that one might characterize as more objective in nature. It might even be difficult to talk and share these things with other people as they are so subjective and often quite emotional. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why we don't see much talk about the more practical approach of people who are serious spiritual seekers? It's in the very nature of practical experience and field work (so to speak) that it's "out there" far away from the chair by the computer or the vicinity of a library. Perhaps it's also something people don't feel inclined to demonstrate on an intellectual internet forum because they fear being labeled "subjective" and not taken seriously.

I don't know... these are just a few thoughts that come to mind. I am also a bit concerned about the gap between people who enjoy their armchair philosphy and those who passionately engage in changing the world on the practical level. As an intellectual, it's easy to become complacent or disenchanted as one witnesses and understands ignorance within society. I have certainly felt that myself (e.g. "there is too much to be done and I want to make a BIG difference if there is to be one") and have to work so as not to get too sucked into such feelings. As it happens, my life seems to present me with challenges in the real world that help me confront some difficulties I may be experiencing in engaging in some work of a very practical nature (e.g. regarding social injustice) that meets with so much resistance from those in charge of the bigger decisions in society. It's a bit of a cliché but I guess it does boild down to a matter of being aware of the opportunities of growth and change, but also of finding out what is your own personal way of making a difference.

I think we can still be useful to society even when we are not quite "there" yet in terms of inner peace. However, I assume that our work is at its best in our moments of calm and positive determination that comes from a sense of "spiritual passion" or something of the kind. Again, I think that someone on a sincere path to deeper insight will have these moments despite other experiences of imbalance and rupture. Perhaps it's also a question of following an inner incentive when this happens and not do much when we are not in a good frame of mind! Of course, it goes without saying that having too much ego or too little of it causes problems - being too assertive or too easily bogged down, to mention a couple of common issues in this regard, In any case it's important that people who realize this don't get too discouraged on their way towards a more wholesome existance.

Gentle Advice For the Chronic Insomniac

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 14:00:00 +0000

My insomnia started as a result of emotional trauma, some ten years ago. As I was against taking drugs I resisted for a year, but got increasingly burned out and had to give in to them in the end. Herbal sleeping aids may help some but is not strong enough for me. Contrary to what many doctors tell you, some of the drugs that are supposed to help you fall asleep (but not necessarily stay asleep all night which a real sleeping pill would do), can actually work for years (Zopiklon in my case, you may need to look up the generic names, e.g. Lunesta in the USA). Doctors prefer to prescripe other "non-addictive" things such as Seroquel, which in higher doses is meant for epilepsia and psychoses... Well, it makes you drowsy and may work, but I'm not convinced the sleep quality is very good. One of the problems for many insomniacs is the lack of deep (restorative) sleep. This is for instance true in cases of fibromyalgia or chronic stress, where the nervous system is not able to wind down. Amitriptyline which is an old fashioned anti-depressant may help a bit in this case, but the side-effects are not very nice. They include dry mucus (for instance resulting in tooth decay and trouble speaking) low libido, and god knows what else that I have now forgotten. Anyhow, sleeping disorders may be very complicated and it's hard to get proper help. GP's and many psychiatrists like to make you think that you don't really have a problem because they don't understand the workings of the nervous system and the mind-body connection. I thought to compile a little list of things that I find helpful though, hoping that some of it might help others.

make sure that your bedroom is clutterfree. This is really, really important. Make it into a really cosy sanctuary with lots of soft cushions, a fluffy down duvet and good quality bed linen that has NO polyester in it. Change your sheets quite often, at least every fortnight. Make sure there are many layers of cotton underneath you if you have a foam mattress. Make sure the bed is soft enough to induce a feeling of security. The bedroom should never be used for anything but sleeping. I can't stress this enough! It really makes a difference. Sometimes sleeping on the ground floor can be a problem because you subconsciously may feel that someone could come in through the window. Try and see if this is the case. If you only have one floor, make sure the window is well blocked at least with heavy curtains if not in other more drastic ways.
make sure your bedroom is dark enough, and that it's neither too warm or too cold.
you might need to wear ear plugs. I have worn them for years...
According to Feng Shui, your head should face the East. You can always try... I turned my bed around but made other changes too so it's hard to tell whether this could have made a difference. Feng Shui also tells you not to have mirrors facing your bed, and to me that's really just common sense.
research has shown that having some carbohydrates before going to sleep is helpful. So the old adage about milk and cookies is correct. I find it calming to have some soyamilk or night time herbal tea along with a sandwhich or cake. Some say a small piece of dark chocolate is helpful.
alcohol can be bad for the quality of the sleep but sometimes a glass or two of wine can be helpful in calming the nerves. Don't make it into a habit, though.
lavender oil (make sure it's essential!) can be burnt in an oil burner or sprinkled onto something close to your nose. I find that it really does have a soothing effect. You might like to experiment with different brands, possibly from different countries of origin.
some incense may help. I find that some cheap incense from Thailand has a woody note that soothes me. You have to experiment to find out what works for you. There is also lavender scented incense but again you have to see which brand works for you. For me, the scent of rose is also conducive to positive feelings. If you can, keep some beautiful fresh flowers by the bed.
sit up in bed and meditate before sleep, if you can. If you have a helpful partner, he could stroke your back while you gently fall asleep.
get enough exercise in the daytime, for instance a half-hour walk or more. Then do some gentle exercise such as yoga or light weight lifting in the evening.
Qigong is very helpful in tuning in with your body and calming the mind. There's something you can do when you're already in bed - it's an exercise called LaQi, but it's by no means exclusive to Qigong. You hold your hands in front of your navel as if holding a bowl or a ball (the hands should not touch each other). Slowly separate them by moving the hands further apart, about half a meter. Then move them back again, slowly. Keep doing this for a while and find that your energies settle a bit (you're "collecting" and "building up" energy between your hands).
lying on a bed of nails (look it up online) for half an hour before bed is helping me feel more relaxed.
try and remember that your body does know how to fall asleep and don't buy into the mindclutter that tells you that you just can't. Breathe deeply, connect your mind with the whole body, and have faith that nature knows what to do. Don't get frustrated if this doesn't immediately solve your problem; rest assured that at least it's helpful...
going to bed at the same time every day is an important thing to strive towards even if the mind may make all sorts of excuses to avoid it. One problem could be the feeling of not wanting to get up the following day, and so you postpone going to bed... try and counteract this by sticking to the schedule and finding reasons that make getting up in the morning into a more pleasant experience. It could simply be having more time to wake up and having something nice to drink or eat that you can look forward to. If watching TV first thing in the morning works for you, then go for it! Whatever helps...
it really is best not to watch TV before bed, especially not an engaging movie. For some, reading a boring book helps but in my case it makes me have to focus and so it has the opposite effect. Looking through a magazine and dreaming about a beautiful home seems like a better option.
whatever is on your mind needs to be dealt with, so write it down or settle an argument before sleeping. Seriously consider cutting the cord with people who distress you on a permanent basis. Do whatever it takes!
footmassage to yourself with some pleasant oil is a good idea.
sometimes, soft music can help you drift off to sleep. The choice is obviously yours, it could be New Age music, nature's sounds (birds, rain, waves) or something alternative. There was a time when Steven Reich's drumming was helpful to me. Now I prefer complete silence.
last but not least; a sense of security is really important. You need to address the emotional issues that may make you feel insecure. Try and feel that nothing out there is out to get you, or that you are surrounded by benevolent forces that keep these negative energies at bay while you sleep. Having another person in your life that helps you feel safer could be a solution to some of these problems. Feeling vulnerable is not a crime...

As a side note, I'd like to add a few viewpoints on the way doctors often look at insomnia, especially in relation to a chronic illness of sorts. It's rare to meet someone who truly understands what it's like. You usually get referred to a psychiatrist, but they may not know much about insomnia per se (for instance, which medicines are really useful and not just "horrid addictive ones") and even less about the physical issues involved. If you're one of the unfortunate who suffer from ME, CFS and/or fibromyalgia, for instance, then the condition will affect your sleep in every conceivable way. It's all very well to talk about regular sleeping schedules, but when you're overly fatigued one day and extremely hyper the next, following a regular schedule can be next to impossible. It's also very disruptive if you are in a phase when you wake up a lot and thus loose hours of sleep. You may not be able to cope with the loss of even one hour of sleep. Getting up to do something else is just plain stupid advice. You might also find that you have to leave a party much earlier than anyone else because you can't cope with a disturbed schedule the next day).

I find it very stressful to try and juggle with medicines so that I can rest assured that I will fall asleep when I'm supposed to. It's already hard enough to motivate myself to stick to schedule! Doctors rarely understand any of this. A shrink I had said that for one thing he doesn't believe fibromyalgia exists, for another I just need to stay up for two days and then I'm sure to sleep! Yeah right. I'd sleep for 24 hours, wake up bright as a morning bird - at four in the morning! Try and stick to schedule - it does help. But you might have to be prepared for some anxiety in relation to all the arrangments that need to be made to ensure that this really works.

From Victimhood to Victory (Victim Mentality Deconstructed)

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 12:20:00 +0000

There have not been any blogs for a while because I was thrusted into the whirls of an intense new relationship that demanded my full attention 24/7. Before this happened, I had experienced yet another burn out from the stress caused by dealing with the callous people at the social services, and other personal issues to do with dating. It is only now that I have a bit of time to get proper rest and let my mind wander around... I'm not sure what exactly to write but lets see what comes out. The theme is in any case victimhood, made into an even more of a burning topic due to the earthquakes in Haiti.

I think it's more than obvious that there are generally speaking two categories of people in the world; those who are victims and those who are oppressors in one way or another. Powergames are unfortunately to be seen anywhere from within personal relationships to the relationships between citizens and their authorities. Sometimes, as in the case in Haiti, nature appears to cause us great distress and loss. In the following I will focus on the interaction between humans, however. We obviously gain from the security provided by those in power of sorts but we also pay a price that compromises our integrity. In my own life, I have experienced victimhood in many ways. When your body is not strong enough to keep up with the Joneses, you easily get pushed aside by other people and seen as a lesser being. If you're not doing your share of the "work" within society, then why should you have any rights? Of course I was grateful that I was granted the choice of not being in working life but little did I realize how stressful the situation would become nonetheless. Instead of the state paying me a decent allowance I was made to crawl in front of the social services every month in order to get some extra money for electricity, heating and medicines that the pension would not cover. This autumn, the situation eventually became psychologically speaking so unbearable that I saw only one option, and that was to cut the cord to the social services. It was a scary thing to do as I would have very scanty means of surviving, but I had to do it in order to regain a sense of dignity and to remove the stress that these people were causing me. I had to rely on other people for help but it was still a better option in this case. I also made a report to the court of justice but there was no will of taking my complaints about the way I had been treated seriously. I had to swallow my frustration, try and forget my feelings of being wronged, and move on.

Another area in which I have recently felt helpless has been that of dating. I went through a great deal of stressful connections that seemed to only reinforce the feeling that no one wanted me and that no one was on my wavelength. I had to muster the last scraps of self-confidence and inner strength so as not to fall prey to utter despair. In the end I said alright, I shan't continue with my teeth clenched. I had felt that I was at a great disadvantage because of suffering from a condition that few can truly relate to and also because of my physical location. Who would find me here in this solitary and remote corner of Europe? It was all so bewildering. In the end I had to let go and think, well, if I'm meant to meet the right person, then I will. If not... then I have to accept my lot in life. My deepest feeling was, however, that I did not want to remain alone and that in fact I was not really equipped to manage life on my own (and maybe I really shouldn't, as perhaps we are all here to help each other rather than fight wars!). I needed someone by my side but not a parent-figure who would nanny me. I had great doubts that the right sort of person existed but I kept on hoping while I loosened the reins... and at that moment the right man appeared.

One of the first things this man said to me was that he would not have contacted me if he had felt that I was into victimizing myself. He could see that I was a "victim" in terms of being forced to rely on the goodwill of people of all sorts (doctors, the social people, the state, ignorant people in general, men I've tried to date or have relationships with, and so on) and that I was a bit of a mess because of it, but he also saw that I was fighting for my sense of personal freedom and integrity. Thank goodness! I am indeed very lucky... someone finally perceived me for who I believe I am. Thing is... it's alright to feel weak and vulnerable - allowing such feelings is healthy as they are natural and should not be repressed. It's alright to have moments of doubt and even feel sorry for yourself. It's human! I'm the first one to admit to having trouble with the kind of helplessness that comes from fatigue, physical weakness and from being a highly sensitive person. But it's the general attitude that counts... being able to say alright, this is my life and only I can take responsibility for it.

My new partner and I quickly established a working relationship that is based on the idea of teamwork, so that our various strengths complement each another. He has the physical strength and stamina that I lack and so I feel that I can finally let go of some of the heavy burdens in my personal life. I am hoping that I am now transitioning from simply "managing" life to actually living and enjoying it. This would not be possible without the help of someone who can fill in certain blanks in my private life. It seems that I might be able to move away from the dreadful feeling of being "helpless, weak and dependent" to a state of being in which I can develop my true potential rather than spending all my energy on practical trivia. The practical side of life is quite difficult for me because of my condition, but when I get to share all the decision-making and the activities that life calls for on a mundane level, life truly takes on a whole other meaning and various fears and apprehensions may turn into positive anticipations regarding the future. It is not about co-dependency, but a case of relying on another person for assistance because you have reasons to trust them. And of course, in the end it's about true equality and a balanced given-and-take though it can be hard to see what exactly you're giving the other person!

In the West, we live in a society that celebrates independency and freedom but most of it is an illusion. Like I said, we're in it together, aren't we? However, there is a difference between unhealthy dependency based in powergames, and a healthy working relationship of assisting those in need (see early blogs on this topic). We should certainly strive to remove ourselves from the sense of victimhood because nothing good comes of it. If we find ourselves in a place that provokes an experience of dependency and victimhood in relation to authorities or other people in general, we must fight it... there is always something good to be found in terms of learning experience. I am not saying there are no victims; in a sense we are all victims in one way or another. That's the way the world is today as we are not yet living utopia. Though I hope things will gradually improve, I am also not in favour of the typical New Age idea that it's wrong to even talk in terms of victimhood. I have been attacked by such people way too many times, as they have perceived my occasional despair as their favourite topic for conversion to New Age ideals. As soon as you even as much as whisper that you feel overwhelmed by external forces, it is not unusual to hear that you're being negative and only interested in pretending to be weak in order to get sympathy from others.

There are indeed energy suckers who do that sort of thing but obviously, it's not always that simple. As usual, I prefer to take the middle path. On a spiritual level it is possible to see all this from a different perspective and as a game within the frame of dualism that helps people learn about a more genuine and caring interaction based in empathy rather than pity (for instance, the case of true caring tends to creep up when natural disasters such as the earthquakes in Haiti occur). It can also help us establish boundaries and decide that other people have no real power over us. I know this bit is very difficult and hard to grasp. All I can say is, that everyone has their own quest and may or may not be able to see things from a more spiritual point of view. I think that we do need each other and should never deny this; on the other hand we must be very clear about our personal integrity and not allow others to take advantage of ourselves or throw ourselves into a pity-party. The latter is a sort of passive-aggressive way of attempting power over those that seem to exercise power over us. It surely goes without saying that it's not a constructive way of solving problems!

Incidentally, both myself and my partner have exes that have tried to use their victimhood as a way of getting to us. My ex in the USA refuses to send me my personal belongings and artwork although I have paid him to do so. He goes on and on promising this, promising that... nothing ever happens and the last thing I heard was that he can no longer find the things that were originally neatly packed in one box. Of course, in his mind I am the evil one who doesn't have the patience to wait for my things or even ask for them in the first place (this has taken two years). This is someone who is clearly unable to care for others because he's so engrossed in the wrongs that other people are doing onto him. People who perceive of themselves as the ones who are always being wronged by others will usually become quite manipulative as demonstrated above. My partner's ex who felt wronged because he didn't feel she was right for him was stalking me online and trying to manipulate me into believing that my partner has so and so many flaws (of course the last one in a row of many evil men). When that didn't work as she had hoped she tried to manipulate him into believing all sorts of horrible things about me based on bits and pieces of information that she had gathered on the internet by infiltrating into spaces where she had no business to be in the first place (posing under an assumed identity). Apparently this is due to some form of stifling victimization and unability to let go and let live. Of course, the trick is to try not to feel like a victim of those who victimize themselves... not always easy, true.

So how do you recognize people who victimize themselves so that you can be on your guard? Well, apart from the obvious fact that they blame everyone else for their misfortunes, my experience tells me that these people tend to appeal to other people's emotions repeatedly and excessively. You also get the sense of speaking to a child when you confront them about issues of conflict. That's because most likely, they got stuck in some pattern as children and were not able to resolve it back then with the help of an adult. As adults, they should take responsibility for their own deficiencies, however. Of course, it's always advisable to seek help and counselling, but the first step of recognition and desire to open up repressed issues obviously comes from themselves (who else?).

All you can do is to decide that these kind of people do not have power over you and re-align with your true self and integrity. You may have to cut a few cords in order to do so. I still find it very hard so I can see that it's one of those major life lessons. Each has to find their own way of setting boundaries. The main thing is that we don't fall into the trap of feeling pity, which is a way in which those with a victim mentality can keep us tied to their energy. And do not listen to all the "I had a dysfunctional childhood" talk if it seems a bit too obsessive. While the things that were going on as we were helpless children might have been seriously disturbing, the truth is the majority of all people have had some kind of dysfunctional background. It's all very well to talk about it and recognize where your issues come from, but don't use it as a way of provoking pity in others: it's ridiculous. Use it only as a means of deeper understanding and if you are so inclined, as a way of spiritual growth. While it's also true that many of us are in a weak position and feel very helpless at times, there is always a way out. It may take time, but the way I see it is that life "wants" to evolve and thus we also will if we only have the incentive to do so.

What Secret?

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 16:21:00 +0000

I suppose that the craze surrounding the book and film The Secret is wearing off, but I still feel like presenting a few thoughts about the whole thing. When it came out, I went online and looked at the movie trailor and the author's website - at least I think it was her. I didn't like the hyped up energy and the way the woman in question was fixated on money. "I became a millionaire, and then a billionaire - all thanks to The Secret" I recall being her statement. Well yes... a nicely wrapped up ultra positive New Age book that encourages people to catch at a straw in a world full of stress and uncertainty is likely to get a lot of buyers. It screamed sensationalism to me. Anyway, I finally got a chance to get the book out of the library as it had been translated to Swedish. I was curious to see what exactly is in it, though I had a hunch from the very start that there was nothing that special about the concept of the law of attraction. Here is what I think.

First of all, notice that the message is packaged in a romantic sort of way that is sure to appeal to a lot of people. It reminds me of The Da Vinci Code. One thing that immediately struck me as phoney was the way the author makes references to people of the past and claims that they all knew about the secret. Where is the evidence? There is none. All that you get are some very obscure quotes by some of the people listed (Einstein, Emerson and so on) that tell you absolutely nothing and that probably were retracted from a context that had nothing to do with the message of this book. She also claims that all these famous thinkers and scientists owed their success to knowing the secret. In other words, they believed their way to success. Come on! It sure takes a bit of talent and education as well! Really! The book is really talking to us as if we are children who need to be convinced that the author knows what she's talking about and we have no right to contest this because we're somehow lesser knowing. Another thing that made me raise my eyebrows was the loose way of using the term "Spirit". The author claims that spirit is like the genie in the bottle, all ready and prepared to fulfil all of your most ardent wishes. Later on there is some talk about humans really being equal to God and thus in the position of creating the reality they want, but it's really not very good literature. Spirit as I understand it is way beyond our comprehension and certainly a very active part of existance, rather than a passive force that a human ego can control and demand.

I was a bit taken aback that the universe was likened to a postorder catalogue. All you have to do is choose your wish and send out the order. While I don't necessarily object to the profanity of the metaphor, I do think that it brings down a very complex process to a very banal level. What I feel is that there is nothing all that wrong with the concept about the law of attraction per se, the problem is that it's only representing a narrow scope of reality. Perhaps it does act as an eye opener to people who have never thought in terms of spiritual "truths" before. What I see as problematic is that people usually get stuck on the most obvious statements of this truth such as "abundance is your birthright" and "you must only think positive thoughts and make sure you're state of mind is always one of happiness and well being". These act as life buoys in an uncertain world and tend to freeze into dogmas. I have met people online who have been very eager to push these "truths" onto me although it actually does state in the book that you must never do that as it's only serving the ego. Other people have been very depressed because they failed to manifest their wishes and feel very guilty that they have negative thoughts. What I see as a big danger apart from egoistic self-gratification is severe self-blame! It actually does say in the book that you should embrace all of your feelings but it's not really coming out that clearly. The overshadowing statement is basically that you must not give into negative or doubtful thinking and feeling (this is being repeated many times though in fact there is a passage saying that one positive thought will outrule many negative ones...). This is a ticket to a very hyped up sort of positivity that is likely to undermine the work a person might be doing in order to attract what they want. You cannot command your subconscioius, negative undercurrents to disappear magically!

The bottomline is; you cannot make certain negative tendencies go away just by thinking positive thoughts. And what I really want to stress is that there is no short cut to deep insight and wisdom. I myself am the first to admit that I only learn the hard way! I simply cannot imagine myself going around faking my inner life to sound like a prayer wheel of repetitive, lovey dovey thoughts and feelings that are only about the wonderful things I have in this moment. "I have a lot of money, I have the perfect partner, I have perfect health..." are examples of the sort of affirmations that were actually very popular back in the early 1990s already. If it works for some; fine... obviously everyone must do what they feel is working for them. I just think that it would require an easily suggestive mind in order to work, and that it would feel highly unnatural. This is only my personal opinion, of course!

I think that a big problem with this sort of thinking is also the idea that all we need to do is know what we want and then ask for it. I believe that we rarely know what we truly need, and that this is way more important than wanting things. Of course, some people are here on Earth with a purpose of discovering ways in which they can attain a higher level of happiness and success, but if you're on a serious spiritual path I really don't see "wanting" as very relevant. I like to believe that I am always guided by the more higher spiritual part of me, and so whatever comes my way is there as a challenge that helps me gain a higher level of wisdom. I don't think we learn much of any value from a very easy life. If this was the case, we would probably not be on Earth, but in some other realm where there are less opportunities to experience the friction between polarities. Every dilemma that I manage to solve leaves me feeling more accomplished, and this is a deep experience that has little to do with the puny "little" self, the ego. Of course there is always the option of using spiritual insight as a way of growing the ego, but I think that the more humbled you are by life and the incredibly complex forces at work, the less likely you are to want that. I have to say that it wasn't long ago that I had an experience of surrendering part of my will to Spirit and it caused a surge of Kundalini (a strong energy current) in me.

I think that claiming that you can keep your weight only by thinking that you have your perfect weight is a bit strange. I understand the concept, and maybe it does work for some. In my case my weight depends on what I eat and how much I exercise. To manically focus on keeping it is not really my thing. I also have to say that I got through University because I believed I would. But I also got through it because it was quite important in terms of my self-esteem and my life's purpose. Manifesting something like that "just because" doesn't make any sense to me. There are also lots of people who believe they have tons of money and end up heavily indebted. Of course, if you really did what The Secret tells you would also make sure that you don't believe in being indebted or somehow change your energetic frequency to match a state of true abundance. But really... we can certainly try but how realistic is it that we would be able to juggle with so many elements that are actually subconscious, for the most part? Better, methinks, to just take a step at a time and see how things really work out on this level of reality..?

I also like to stress that people do need to talk about their own hardships, and not keep it all to themselves as The Secret suggests. It's simply very bad psychology! Dwelling on negative things incessantly is a different issue... still there's a time for everything. You also cannot force feelings of love so all the imperative talk about having to feel massive amounts of love all the time is not realistic either. First and foremost, be kind to yourself!

Some time ago I met someone who really fancied me. It seemed that I represented all the things that this guy had asked for (he confessed to having pleaded to the universe). However, there were other things there as well: I also brought a host of challenges into this guy's life. In the end he refused the good as well as the bad and went back to a more comfortable lifestyle. Perhaps I was a manifestation in this person's life? The thing is, that could very well be the case because we certainly are not islands and so oftentimes we act out a role that someone else is needing to experience. I'm sure I learnt important lessons from all this myself. But this person obviously didn't really know what he wanted, and so the scenario had to collapse. I also don't want to pretend to know exactly what was really involved in the drama. Only time and deep contemplation may reveal some of the reasons behind the encounter, but some of it may remain embedded in the unconscious forever. All I can do is try and do the right thing, which in my vocabulary means being intuitive and following thoughts and feelings with utter attention and discernment.

I also wish to give another example of the complexity of life. I became friends with a very nice woman in the spring and was hopeful about the contact. One day she texted me something very short and dismissive. I was quite hurt, and didn't hear from her all summer. Recently I deleted her from my list of Facebook friends. Suddenly I received a sincere apology from her. She was asking to be my friend and explained what exactly had happened. There was no reason for me not to accept the apology and so there is a chance that we will be able to carry on our deep conversations. But the point is; I didn't manifest her return, in fact I had negative thoughts about her. There was no direct law of attraction implied other than that me taking a decisive step made her realize that she was attracted enough to our friendship so as not to let it go!

Finally, I want to say that I think the law of attraction is really quite common sense (don't most of all realize already that we attract certain things into our lives depending on who we are?) and not some hushhush "secret"! Perhaps it's just me but I really like to live life in a natural way. To me it does not mean living an unconscious zombie like existance (cf. the state preceding the awakening suggested by The Secret), but being attentive to all that goes on inside and outside of me. It's relaxing into the real me the way this "me" is manifested by Spirit in this time and place. I don't want to control my environment or make other people become something that I want through some idea about manifesting the perfect people to surround you with. It's not easy, but that's my personal challenge.

Honouring Negative Experiences and the Realness of the Illusion

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 19:07:00 +0000

In order that what I'm saying in this post would make sense, one needs to know what I mean by illusion versus reality. You need to postulate, that ultimately human beings are not just limited physical beings, but limitless beings of love. Limited existance here on Earth would thus be a sort of illusion. A lot of people tend to dismiss experience on this level as "only illusion", however. I rather promote a paradox which allows for this reality to hold a quality of "reality" as well. Really what I mean is that they are two sides of the same coin. I can't go into that in detail now since I have other things in mind, but this is the starting point.

Most people really want to live in lala-land. Which is perfectly understandable, since no one wants to suffer. While poverty and misery may help some in understanding deeper truths about life, it's not a virtue and really causes more negativity in the world. The well-to-do don't always realize it just as they don't realize a lot of things that compromises their comfort in the present moment, but their reluctance to take action to help change things will eventually creep up on them. Well, in many countries the rich are already living in their highly protected residences and the nature of the problem is pretty obvious to the onlooker, however in the Nordic countries this scenario hasn't quite hit home yet.

The smorgasbord kind of religion or spirituality that the New Age is, is particularly attractive to the Western middle class. The reasons are surely obvious; these people have the luxury to sit and ponder the meaning of their individual success on all levels of life and have the means to do research in order to find the particular tailored spiritual brand that suits them the best. They have the money to participate in all kinds of specialized workshops and seminars. Because their lives are already reasonably affluent, they can imagine a sort of paradise on Earth rather than in the after life. There's nothing wrong with all this, but we need to keep Maslow's hierarchy of needs in mind. There are plenty of people who don't have access to this sort of spirituality. They are stuck in the kind that is offered by their particular environment and limited to spending only a minimal amount of time and energy to pondering the deeper meaning of their belief system. They usually also don't have the education to understand the value of questioning social and/or religious authorities. I'm only saying this because it's easy to forget the 90% of the population who are really poor and unpriviliged. If you don't belong to this group, you tend not to want to know about it, because it's a threat to a sense of security that may nontheless not have much basis in reality. I'm not saying that there aren't some New Agey sort of people who have a real grip on things and also find a sense of security in an honest and true relationship with the "higher dimensions" or Source or whatever you wish to call it. However, I'm not so sure there are that many. Most people are really just enclosed in their safeguarded residences where they can share their visions as well as illusions with likeminded people.

Who am I to make this sort of judgment call? Well, one reason is that there have been very few people who have been able to make a real difference in my own life. I've had to find out the hard way that most people around really are very "middle class" regardless whether they are ordinary agnostics-or-atheist-or-passive Christians or "consciously spiritual"-or-New Age-or-Buddhist - these are the groups that I've been in touch with personally so I won't venture to talk about people with other forms of belief systems. It means that in general they love the comfy clichés and stereotypes that they can resort to in order to make it seem as if life is under control. Of course, clichés exist because there's a hint of truth in them, albeit they have frozen into a mold that is applied on all and sundry. These people love handing out advice about other people's attitudes, because that way they feel that they are under no obligation to actually do anything concrete. Whether people like to preach about a subjective form of spirituality according to which people have only their own bad attitude to blame for their misery or whether they just like to blame others in general, the burden of other people's suffering is always pushed away from themselves. They don't want to get their hands dirty so by talking about "attitude" rather than real life problems, they can live with the illusion that they are doing something good in the world. Of course, not all people are only doing this, some actually do also act on occasion. But in that case it's mostly for money. Few want to risk their sense of physical security.

What I'm describing here is really quite a nice life, and it allows for plenty of theories that continue to keep the illusions going. For instance, people love Tolle's "Power of Now". While what he presents are old viewpoints that have been said many times before, it's really quite a comfortable attitude that can lull you into believing that no concrete action needs to be taken. And I also wonder how to tell this attitude apart from the hedonistic attitude about living the here and now without concern for consequences? While I can sense the difference, I wonder if everyone can. Self-help authors usually become popular only if they offer a confirmation that a comfortable life style really is quite okay and you don't really need to sacrifice any of it for other people. So where does it leave us? Well, people may be finding personal fulfillment but how long does it last? If people were really present in the Now they wouldn't look to 2012 for changes, but act on the problems that exist right now. Again I'm sure there are people who understand all this, I'm just worried about the others... and I'm also concerned that narcissism is getting the better of people.

In reality, not many are there for other people. Even mother Theresa is said to have been a fake. It's amazing how many people buy into the myth about her without questioning whether it's true or not. So you only have yourself in the end. I know, it sounds like a cliché. But what I want to say is that the image people have of the sole survivor and the strong individual who survives all of life's adversities like a true hero is bullshit. People just don't want to look at misery and acknowledge that not all endings are happy endings. If they did, the illusion about their own comfort would be challenged. Now I personally don't want to watch movies that have unhappy endings, it really is distressing. So I understand this tendency in human beings. Problems arise when denial is on all the time and people can't really tell fiction from reality. Of course, the more overwhelming misery in the world is getting, the more people will want to be in denial. All this is normal but problematic nonetheless. One does wonder if this particular nightmare will ever end?

What is the cure for this state of affairs? Some would say "ascension" and I can't really rebuke that in any way. I just think it's a bit funny that some wait for divine intervention while they cross their hands. Whatever the case may be, it seems to me there really is only one way of really getting in touch with reality, and that is learning about life the hard way. As a spiritual person, you may think that you understand the deeper issues of life and understand that this 3D reality is not "reality" but an illusion, however only when they get so painful and tormenting that you can absolutely not doubt their realness, then you actually learn something. Understanding that life without love is an illusion is one thing, but seeing that its opposite is every bit as real is in my opinion to have a real understanding of things. As I have always pleaded, it's about paradoxes. You can't sit in your residence like an armchair philosopher and understand what life is really about by thinking about it only. It just doesn't work. Of course love is important, but I see it more as a complement rather than a cure-all (strategy and action "male style" is every bit as valid in this reality as the exchange of positive vibes "female style"). So even if you know that what you're going through is an illusion (and really you're bloody fortunate if you do), if it doesn't feel absolutely real all the same you are not "getting it". When I realized this I understood why all my negative feelings are valid. They are the simple result of the fact that one's life's struggle appears so very freaking real that one feesl like killing oneself (not saying I will but only that the deeper into the "illusion" you go, the more it hurts and the more you want out of it at any price). You get that close to self-destruction not because you are living a negative illusion of life, but because it torments and haunts you more than anything you could ever imagine in an armchair in a comfortable residence or a totally different dimension. Honouring the fact that your spirit has agreed to limit itself so much that this experience has become possible is surely the first step towards a really useful enlightenment. And who knows, many an "enlightened" spirit may be walking around without having any means of proving that they actually are. While we do need to strive towards a happier outlook on life, the experience of many negative feelings may sometimes be a doorway to a deeper understanding of the problems that other people are experiencing. If nothing else, it helps you take action rather than remain a dull preacher. And of course, ultimately an experience is just an experience. What's the use of hell if nobody goes there, eh? ;-)

BEING CONTROLLED

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 11:39:00 +0000

Okay, so some people excercise power and others are victims. Inbetween there's a rather gullible middle class who believes in authorities and feels sorry for those victimized, but is unable to truly relate to either or. What they want is just comfort and a happy life, characterized by a whole set of comfortable clichés and stereotypes that contribute to a feeling of familiarity and thus security in an insecure world. Among these clichés are pseudo-psychological ideas about how politicians are selfish, victims victimize themselves, and nothing can really be done to change the way of the world. Because nothing can be changed, the only thing one can do is resort to jargon. I know that when I feel helpless and confused, I become more judgmental and easily get stuck in mental and emotional patterns. At the other end of the stick we have the mechanism of denial, which focuses on eliminating negative thoughts in favour of the positive ones that may ensure a smashing future for the individual in question.

If you don't really want to belong in either of these three categories, you probably become an outcast or a dissident. Yes we all have human feelings, as we are after all human beings on a very arduous journey here on Earth! So for instance, we all feel sorry for ourselves every once in a while. I hate it when people either stigmatize others for feeling this way or pat them on the shoulder with some insipid comment that is supposed to be encouraging. "You can do it, everything will be alright", and so on. While sometimes these words can be of comfort when accompanied with real love and concern, most of the time they are just annoying empty phrases. Hope is after all not a taken at all, it's a simple mechanism of survival. There is no other basis for hope than a religious belief that bad things can't last forever or a simple wish that one will at some point gain more power to fight the negative challenges. Still, human beings usually have a will to live and a fear of death, so having hope is a natural means of trying to make it in a harsh world. After all, hope is not directly connected to feelings of control, and so can not be harmful.

I have had to deal with many people who have tried to exercise control over me. Some people enter relationships of dependency without paying much attention and others simply suffer in silence. I'm talking of all sorts of relationships, not only intimate ones. I'm one of those who kick and scream, however. I refuse to be submissive. For instance, my position as a disabled person has turned into a nightmarish fight for survival within an totalitarian social system that leaves no room for personal freedom. Once a person is being removed from working life and has to ask the state for money to survive, the authorities lock you into a prisonlike system that denies you a whole bunch of human rights. The less you have worked in your life, the worse it gets. Someone with a basic pension has to beg for some extra from the social services, and this puts them under the influence of certain laws that cut down their freedom to the max. For instance, such a person is not allowed to gain any money, take any loans, exchange any money within family members, travel anywhere, use any other services than the ones appointed by the social services (for instance in the case of the glasses that I didn't want to get from the local optician this summer), and is obliged to report just about anything to do with their personal life and financial choices. Of course, the scanty money you're supposed to live on doesn't only limit your life but prevents you from actually having one. Usually you don't really know what you enter when you are being pulled into the System. If you're unlucky, you will be treated like a second rate citizen the way I am at present here in the small town where I moved some years ago. Other people in other counties are more fortunate and also receive more money to help them get by.

I participated in yet another radio show about social injustice for marginal citizens and got my say in, but it does take a toll on me to have to expose my basic lack of security to the rest of the world. The programme clearly showed that politicans have little interest in helping people like myself since I'm not considered a significant booster of the economy (which ultimately serves the highly paid politicians). Taxes are certainly being lowered but for some reason there is no money to increase the pensions to at least the double, which is considered reasonable at this time. It's as if I'm expected to live some sort of medieval life while the well-to-do rush by in their fancy cars and play with their technical gadgets. It's truly surreal.

Another thing that has taken a great toll on me lately is netdating. Speaking to all these middle class men online has left me disenchanted and sad. No one cares to truly get to know me, indeed they may pretend that they do but they are only trying to see what faults I have that will disqualify me as their partner. What I resent the most is the manipulation. I have written more extensively about these things in Swedish on my other blogs but here are a few points to watch out for:

An ambiguous way of talking. For instance, the guy may ask you to reveal everything about yourself but doesn't really do the same for you. He may be playing at "I do want to meet you, but right now I can't because..." and so on. There will be an uncomfortable element of "let's see", and you feel somehow watched. As soon as you feel it's time to open up a bit more in order to get anywhere, you get rejected. He's a scumball because he didn't give you a chance to present yourself in real life, and that's just a way of exercising control. Alternatively, the man wants to meet you at once and doesn't have time to hang on the internet talking to you. That's probably bullshit because most men do spend an extensive part of their day online. Perhaps they only want a quick lay.

You open up a lot but the guy doesn't comment, and that's a way of exercising control over you and the situation. He's probably sitting there evaluating everything you say, and will stab you in the back when you least expect it. Suddenly it's clear he hasn't understood anything you said. And the sad part is that you probably felt it all along and now you're frustrated because you have wasted time and energy on yet another imbecile.

Men who keep you waiting are exercising control. The guy is too busy to write regularly, and is evasive when you ask what he wants. He may suddenly take an interest but you can bet that he's only interested to discuss that one word in your profile that could be interpreted as something to do with sex.

The guy complains that men should be treated just they same as men are expected to treat women. He's got the equality issue all screwed up and doesn't realize that equality is not about switching roles. Swedish men have this sort of passive-aggressive and thus controlling attitude quite a bit. It's really disconcerting because they are not really in touch with their manliness and so they can't treat you like a woman either. He'd be better off be you friend or become gay.

The majority of all men online appear dyslectic. I've tried to accept a lack of proper writing but it never gets me anywhere. These men are just sloppy and probably neither well educated or particularly intelligent (in other words, they are not true dyslectics). You won't get any real sympathy from them dispite their sleazy wording.

If a guy keeps insisting he's told you things he hasn't, then that could be a sign of a passive-aggressive attempt to control you by messing with your mind. I can't even begin to describe the way such men talk, it's truly surreal since they are not there with you at all. Maybe one day I'll translate one such discussion.

Men who straight away give me an nick name (such as Viva, which for some inexplicable reason is a number one) or keep misspelling it, turn me off. It's as if they want to own me somehow, by putting their own label on me and insisting that my own wishes don't count.

A spiritually minded guy might put you to the test to see "if vibrations connect". For instance, he could say that he's from some really remote country just to see if you'll still be attracted to him. Be aware of any little lies like that. They are probably a sign that he's a control freak.

Some men want to save you from your sordid life, but that would be a major means of gaining control over you. See my blog about the saviour's syndrome.

Obviously women can behave in similar ways. Well, all this has left me more suspiscious and reticient than I was to begin with, and there's not much I can do about that right now. Now to another highly frustrating issue of control. The man I visited two years ago in the USA has been holding onto the belongings that I left there because I wanted to believe that I would return. I was probably under some influence of this man, energetically speaking. Once I realized that he was an extremely selfish person and that I was better off not returning, I felt very keen to get my things back. I did not want to give in because I didn't want for him to keep my things. As long as he did, there was a bond there that I was unable to severe. The things also happened to be important ones since I meant to stay in the USA. So are all his excuses for not sending off everything at once valid? Well, he's a man of excuses. He also over-reacts to my frustration and regresses to the state of a five year old. I suppose that his strategy of behaving like a child is working, because I have to become the adult and usually give in to his tantrums. Needless to say I have not really been up to this role play and so many an angry word has been exchanged between us though most of the time he doens't even bother to read my mail. I have heard of men and women who have done the same thing with children, and obviously that's even worse. Still, my nervous system is not strong enough to deal with this on top of all the above issues.

Lastly, do I need to mention the swineflue pandemic that actually kills less people than any other flu, or New Age mindcontrol such as the law of attraction that only increases negative feelings such as self-blame, guilt and a belief that making money is always okay (which it would be in a perfect world, but this isn't, is it?). Not to mention how "manifesting a partner" sounds more like an issue of imaginary control...

Undercover Dictatorship in an Affluent Society

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 17:34:00 +0000

Consider this scenario:

A person is quite clear on the concepts behind new spiritual thinking (be it New Age, integral or whatever that works along similar esoteric lines) and wishes to contribute to the world. She has plenty of intuition and understanding and doesn't feel that the new spiritual fads really add anything to what she already knows. But she has contracted an illness as a child and it's irreversible, so it causes major issues with insomnia, pain and chronic fatigue. She has been granted disability, but once she has accepted this position in society, she's robbed of most of rights to decide about her own right. Because she is very sensitive, the input from society and society's attitude that if you don't fit the norm, you have no right to exist, becomes a major drainer. She's always being treated as a second rate citizen, although she consumes as much as many others. She feels that she's fighting the wind, as sending love is not going to change how power hungry authorities operate (whenever she tries to stay positive and smiling when she meets with authorities, she gets stabbed in the back).

This person is locked in the disability system and thus dependent on humiliating social aid. The only way for this person to take some power back from these social people (who happen to be the worst kind in the small town where this person lives, and so there is plenty of patronizing and personal attacks going on) is to break loose; she'd have to survive on the basic pension alone, pay the bills but have nothing left to eat. This person is disabled because she's too ill to work so it is not a option. All she can do is write, and if she could arrive at a point where she felt less bothered by the inhuman pressure the social people exert on her she might be able to pull herself together and focus on writing something that could make a difference. She wishes to uncover a sort of undercover dictatorship that the authorities in affluent societies practice. Of course no one cares about the poor, because they are seemingly unproductive members of the society and are only holding economic evolution back. No one considers that those who don't fit the norms may have other values to express and share that might enrich society and help it evolve vertically rather than just horisontally. But of course, there are not many avenues for complaints because it is precisely that; a dictatorship dressed to look like something else.

She tries to do some energy work and keep reasonably fit, but as with all people in similar situations she tends to get apathetic. She also tries to have trust and faith in spirit because she can't really "manifest" anything as her hands are tied (she's not allowed to earn money either). She wants to evolve spiritually and tries very hard to stay positive, but she has trouble even wanting to get out of bed every day, let alone surf the net for other suggestions than the repetitive and rather trite "you get what you already have inside" (the blasted law of attraction that only instigates feelings of guilt and fear of fear); "try this revolutionary method..." or "just go inside", etc.

She lives alone and has only one family member to lean on a bit but this person is in a similar situation. There is no social network that could support her. She's been focusing on finding a partner but it hasn't worked out, as she's not someone who fits the norm (ordinary, wealthy, and the rest of the clichés that are out there in this narcissistic era) and a soul mate hasn't appeared despite her various approaches and experiments with changes of attitude. She quickly sees through people's acts and realizes, that most people are not really in touch with themselves and therefore unable to feel anything but feigned empathy and hypocritical altruism. Disenchantment also bugs her, because even though she knows that all the phoneyness is an illusion, a human being has to live with it. She also feels that she's possibly not meant to truly bond with people if this is her last existance, because there seems to be no other reasonable explanation since she has not wished to isolate herself. She also feels she needs to be a spokesperson for the poor and weak in society, but enough is enough.

How can she break loose and have some hope that she will also find some greater ease and contentment in her life soon? Is hope just a phrase, or is there any real basis for thinking that the future might hold something better even if you're not actively trying to manipulate and control your life through the fashionable "manifestations". Will she survive, or will she perish? What's your bet?

Chaos and extreme Polarization Precede New Order and Harmony

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 09:29:00 +0000

I don't feel too bright at the moment but felt like getting a few things off my chest so to speak. Well, I am trying not to care too much about what others say about the energies at the moment, as it's really all just very confusing. What I do know is that I'm in some process of my own simply because I feel different from the way I've felt in the past. And really, that should be enough but our minds are always busy asking why, when and how. Of course, if the process was all happy and joyful it would be quite a different thing that would elicit a very different attitude from myself. But the tough parts... well, of course you can't help questioning the feeling of such extreme vulnerability. Yet surely increasing sensitivity is not always just a result of disruptive encounters and external energies that encrouch on one's physical and emotional well being? Surely increasing sensitivity makes many of those issues feel all the more unbearable, to the point where you think you are completely trashed on the inside. I have no clear answer but it seems to me that a bit of everything is true. You just cannot have new order unless you've been through chaos, and when chaos prevails on all the different levels of our being at different points in time... well there just may not be that many moments when you feel happy and complete. Yet I'm not saying there aren't some moments that allow you a peep into a more harmonious state of being... sometimes when I feel really hopeless a feeling of hope shoots up and helps me continue. And I didn't force it.

Some discussion on a forum whether Obama is an agent of the light or the dark elicited a response from me about what I perceive as the polarized nature of American mentality. The USA is a funny sort of place because of its contrasts. It's also a society that is very much at the forefront everywhere - for better and for worse. Sometimes we get so much of American culture and American issues we don't know what to do with ourselves! On the one hand Americans have so much personal freedom to be what you want to be and speak your mind, and that fosters a very lucrative market for self-help and positive thinking. On the other there's a lot of competition and many sensitive people are under a lot of pressure to keep up with the Jones's or to simply survive. Religion is also very strong and tends to colour people's perceptions to a very high degree. You often hear comments and arguments of a social nature that refer to religious sentiments. Of course, this makes for a great growing ground for any form of spiritual belief system. The influx of spiritual literature into Europe is immense. Well, in short I feel that these factors tend to create an abnormal sense of division in people's minds, and so polarities are highly accentuated. Positive versus negative, good versus bad, black versus white, light versus dark, beautiful versus ugly, and so forth. Money, success and good looks are being stressed to the extreme. Of course, this is my personal perception albeit shared with many others, but obviously anyone is free to disagree. But the point is... why do I care about the deeper workings of the American mind in the first place?

Well, on the one hand I feel very attracted to a society that encourages quite a lot of open dialogue in a language that I can understand. It may be hard to make friends but social interaction on a superficial level is certainly a lot easier over there and I find that a sort of bonus in every day life. On the other hand what I perceive as division puzzles and disturbs me. However, it's clear that it's something I need to come to terms with within myself. I need to find some sort of peace regarding the fact that reality here on Earth can be very extreme. The way things sometimes stretch very far on the polarity axis almost causes me to feel physical pain. Is it any wonder that I started my esoteric journey 15 years ago by investigating into dualism and the role of paradoxes as a way of uniting and transcending polarities? By attempting to see the reality and the truth of the two sides of a story as well as thinking in terms of "both-and" instead of "either-or" we can get quite far in changing the way we are conditioned to look at reality. I don't think it's possible to transcend polarities entirely but one can see them for what they are; two sides of one coin. Despite being somewhat skilled in this sort of thinking, I still find it hard to apply this to some of life's conditions on a practical level. Some things are just very hard and overwhelming to deal with when you're emotionally involved, and sometimes the process calls for quite a lot of patience. Anything that represents very strong positive and negative currents still stirs me...

Something quite funny happened the other day. I was in the big city when a lady called and so it was hard to hear what she was trying to say. She was disappointed that my exhibition in my home town was not on anymore and was wondering if she might see my artwork elsewhere. She said she was with a "mystic group" who were doing an excursion to my town, but she was worried about finding things to do there (no wonder!). I spontaneously invited them to my house. She was thrilled. I said, well as an artist I'm only very happy that people want to come to see my art, so really the pleasure was on my side! I couldn't quite make out what she was saying about food so I offered to serve them some coffee and tea. She was even more thrilled. She didn't think something like this might be possible. I was very happy to be the agent of such a positive occurrence in these people's lives!

Well, I cleaned my house and rearranged bits and pieces that I had meant to deal with for a long time. I made an apple pie and small sandwhiches, realizing I missed having a tea party but also feeling terribly out of practice. Everything went fine and took exactly two hours as I had anticipated. Still I talked a lot about my art but not nearly as much as I could have... I understand that people have a very limited ability to digest new information and it didn't seem to me as these people were quite as much into esoteric thinking as I had initially thought. The leader of the group was a real darling and very perceptive about my artwork, so I got a lot from hearing her comments. Contrary to people's beliefs, I don't mind hearing alternative interpretations of my artwork. The point is not to get across a specific idea, but to awaken a response in the other person. This is how life works; we can never communicate an exact thought or feeling but only hint at them and hope that another person responds to our signals in some way or another. Their experience is just as valid as mine, regardless of the source. This lady said she felt comfortable expressing her views because of the allowing atmosphere, and I was more than happy about that.

However, I could easily have found myself in a very vulnerable position. If no one had shown genuine interest I would have felt devastated. So my desire to have some kind of in-home gallery in the future might have to be revised. Of course, I don't know about the future but at the moment all the inner processes and emotional havoc in regards to online dating has left me even more sensitive than before. There are moments when I feel completely trashed on the inside and don't have a very strong feeling of self-esteem.

I was thinking the other day, that I sometimes feel a bit inferior because I'm not a healer like so many other spiritual people. But the truth is, you don't have to be a healer just because you trod a spiritual path that means the world to you. There are other things you can do that stimulate change (and maybe even forms of healing) in yourself and your environment. Also - some things you learn about in this life may be used in the next. You just don't always know where your life is heading, all you can do is try and stay in touch with your sense of purpose and do whatever feels meaningful even if it presents you with a lot of challenges. Not everything is always easy. Some things that used to be easy can become very arduous because the level of your learning is much higher. Do not despair if you're not quite like anyone else.

Save Yourself!

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 10:32:00 +0000

One rather predominant experience in my personal life this year has been that of opening up to various people only to get shunned and rejected. I've tried to carry this phenomenon graciously and see what it has to teach me. Oh, I'm not going to claim that my heart is not bleeding, but one has to get on with life and keep the flame of hope alive. One thing I discovered was that despite my independent allure and desire to be free from the dependency of other people, a part of me was secretely wishing that someone would "save" me just a little. That's because, on the one hand I miss company and on the other, I am at the end of my rope concerning a lot of my life's issues. I am cornered in many ways and need to break free, but have not found a door as yet.

This is just a quick outline of some fundamental spiritual issues, but I hope it still makes some sense. The idea of needing to be saved is very potent in our world. If you take a look at Christianity, one of the main dogmas is the idea that Christ is your saviour. As I see it, it's just a big misunderstanding supported by religious authorities who wished to gain more power over lay people. If one were to understand Christ's talk about being the way towards liberation in a more symbolic way, the dualistic concept of Christ and God being somehow separated from the rest of humanity might disappear. Our reality appears dualistic, and our minds are programmed to think in terms of contrasts and comparisons in order to make sense of it. However, it's not impossible to transcend this habit and start to embrace contradictions. If you practice by sometimes not choosing camps but looking at things from opposite perspectives as well, you will probably find that they are also true. If truth is fundamentally speaking relative, then the idea of a basic (ontological) state of ONENESS also looks more plausible. My point is, Christ is not going to save you, but you will save yourself through your own "Christ consciousness", the aspect of yourself that is in touch with the things that Christ represented. I'm sorry if anyone finds this blasphemeous, but this is how I and many others see it.

Notice how the movie industry dwells on the concept of people saving each other. The most obvious scenario is the one in which people are in a tough spot but are then being saved by someone who enters their life, offering love and sometimes also material comfort. I recently saw "Nights in Rodante" with Diane Lane and Richard Gere, and at the end Diane even says that the two of them saved each other through their love. All this looks great on the outside, but consider the fact that by allowing someone to save you you're giving away your power! In fact, you put yourself at the mercy of other people when you entertain this sort of fantasy!

I personally don't have a problem with the understanding of paradoxes as a key to a broader and deeper understanding of reality, but I also realize that in a paradoxical sort of way you can't just eliminate the mind's functions. For instance, being judgmental ("this is good, that is bad") is a way of making sense of reality and creating interesting and fruitful thoughts. Thoughts can be dull and automatic, or they can be creative. The creative ones bring us further on our path and help us develop as human beings. Either way, these processes are always based in judgment. You might also notice, that if you start judging your judgmental thoughts, they will only become more persistant. So in the end all we can do is find an accepting and maybe even loving attitude towards this state of affairs. It's true that the solution to our fundamental problems of the mind may not be found through the mind itself, however creative thinking is a fantastic tool on the road to self-discovery, discernment and a deep sense of self-satisfaction!

In my own process, I'm trying to lay out all the ways in which I've felt rejected in my life. It turns out to be quite a persistant pattern that even includes the feeling of being rejected by this country (I'm a social reject). Going back a couple of generations in order to see what pattern has been inherited from the past, it's clear that my mother was never granted a feeling of being welcomed to the world and given all the love and material comforts that she deserved. The important thing here is that she was at the mercy of other people who did not grant her the things that they should and could have given her so that she would have grown up to be a strong and succesful individual. I remember having very distinct feelings of anger at being at my mother's mercy when I was a child. From that time onward the pattern has perpetuated itself. I'm always at the mercy of someone else's benevolence. This is a truly chilling discovery!

Because the feeling of being dependent on others is so forceful, it's natural that it turns into a secret wish to be saved in some way or another. This is the fallacy that I wish people would wake up to. I'm not sure how to fix this state of affairs, but taking back one's power seems crucial. It can be a very difficult and complex process if you're entangled in various constellations that tie you down and prevent you from just getting up and leaving. But as always, there has to be a way!

I realize my challenge is a very deep and crucial one and I have reason to believe that I will eventually figure it out. Profound issues don't necessarily disappear in the blink of an eye; they often take time to be resolved. That is, it seems like a long time from our perspective, but in relation to the rest of existance (from a higher perspective, so to speak) it's not a long time at all.
Meanwhile, there's a great deal of emotional turmoil inside. Many feelings I've made great efforts to transmute and have felt partly succesful in doing so. Because I have had to learn about emotions very late in life, it's been all the more intense. Though at times I can see that things have advanced, all the experiences of being rejected and feeling suppressed by people I involuntarily have to depend on have caused a great deal of anxiety. I'm afraid I might be getting asthma because I can't breathe properly. I also have increasing problems eating and my stomach is quite upset. I hope and believe all this will go away eventually but I truly don't see a way of speeding up the process (the sensations are very compelling). I have only so much capacity to deal with things.

Another aspect of the rejection theme is that we may not be on the same level of spiritual maturity as people that we approach or that initially feel attracted to us. I do realize, that those who have not been willing to join me in my life right now were not of the same frequency as myself and might never have been able to "catch up". Of course, I approached them because I liked them and felt something for them (I opened my heart at least partly), but despite their good hearts there were major discrepancies on the level of spiritual and psychological insight. I'm not saying they may not have been more accomplished than myself as well, but my experience has been that of trying to lower my expectations of others. My complexity, depth and ability to use my own brain has then scared people away. I also have had trouble feeling trust so maybe I don't appear so accessible. I no longer want to settle for half-hearted relationships that don't feel satisfying, and so the signals I'm sending out might be daunting. I keep wishing that they'd give me a chance, while I'm not sure I am able to give them a chance (in other words, a catch 22 that shows how futile looking for love on the outside really is)!

The sense of not being able to occupy the same space as others has increased. At the same time I'm not quite ready yet to sit there on my own with a sense of "deep self-satisfaction" and send out unconditional love to everyone. In any case, other people's example may not be mine at all. I read Karen Bishop's latest newsletter (granted, I have trouble reading as I need new glasses and that has posed some more challenges in my life right now). I was quite baffled at what she says - according to her, the cream of the spiritual "elite" will ascend inspite of the fact that other human beings have not been able to raise their energy levels as expected (I could have told her it might be impossible, haha...). She's the only channeller or spiritual counsellor that has aroused some of my curiousity, so I've followed her postings about the global mindshift. However, I wonder who she's really writing for, because surely the people who are way evolved and ready to "ascend" don't really need her information? So... people on "the lower rungs" are obivously not reading her stuff and that leaves us with people in the middle. Those who are feeling jitterish and anxious right now just like myself. But are they eligable for the "new space" she's talking about? I feel like I'm really dangling somewhere inbetween, very willing indeed to move forward but not sure I'm supposed to be among the cream at the top (my soul may have other plans for me, so to speak). I feel reasonably patient with my own process and don't have an agenda in mind. Still... not knowing what to expect is quite nerve wrecking. Not knowing what to believe when you read such data is bad as well!

The point is, however, to remove oneself from the sphere of other people's power and authority. Even some innocent looking spiritual writings can be very compelling and cause more insecurity about who one is or is supposed to be. If you read things such as the newsletter I mentioned then you may be giving your power away. Well, even reading this may give your power away. But then I'm really hoping to inspire people to think for themselves. There is no need to believe everything I say! I may be saying that only you can save yourself, but it's really only my opinion.

A Plea to the Public

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 21:17:00 +0000

It's funny that people think the fact that personal information is public on the internet somehow justifies attacking or commenting in mean ways. Well, it would be funny if it wasn't stressful. I know that most people have some kind of sense of common courtesy and either turn away from things that don't appeal to them, or leave respectful comments that carry no negative energy. However, a number of recent incidents lead me to try and remind the ones who don't belong to this category that it is not okay to criticize strangers on the net when there is no obvious desire from the other party to engage in such interactions. There is something called unsolicited advice. I implore people to consider if they would do so in real life, and what the consequences of that might be. I'm sorry to see that many people lack some basic social skills, and hope that they will wake up and realize they have something to work on if they wish to co-exist with other human beings in a reasonably harmonious way. Surely we all (including myself, of course) need to ask ourselves; "Would I like to be treated this way and is this really about the other person?" rather than hit the send button in a fury or state of over-zealous self-enhancement.

Let me give a few examples of what I think of as intrusive behavior:

There are lots of people, especially young ones, who ask me to be their friend on blogcatalog. The majority only wish to promote their own blogs and often try to strike deals such as "if you'll comment on my blog I will comment on yours". Their blogs are seldom within my sphere of interest and so I really do NOT have the time or interest to engage in meaningless exchanges of comments. Cricket or tips about how to make money on the internet truly do not interest me, and it should be quite obvious just by glancing at my blog and its theme. All this bargaining for attention is tacky, takes up my valuable time and leaves me drained of energy.
Some people take a look at my blog and wish to convert me to their beliefs. I'm sorry they feel that I'm on the wrong track. As it is, I really have no interest in islam or reading the Q'uran, just as I have no leaning towards Catholicism or Wicca. I can assure you that I was in ample opportunity to dig deeper into these if I had wished to while studying comparative religions at the university. I think it should be quite obvious that I have a clear spiritual line of thinking and am not intending to change it. And even if this is not clear to anyone else, those who are serious about the pillar stones of their religion might see that it's not in spiritual integrity to attack others because of their faith. Please take a step backwards and reconsider. Are you really changing the world by doing that? What has happened to the notorious religious reformers and their victims during the course of history? I have specifically stated that I do not wish to be saved by anyone. I wish people who visit my blog would actually read it from end to end before jumping to conclusions. And even then... well this is not really the perfect mirror of my reality, is it? Does anyone really think it is?!
There are people who think that what they understand from what they read is the truth as intended by the author. Well, perception is a key in the understanding of life, and even though I am not the one to say that subjective truth is the only truth I do feel it has a place in this world. But even if someone doesn't believe this to be true, I'd suggest that they consult their basic moral values and see if bashing others on the internet is really a proper thing to do. It's interesting how this tends to happen among people who come from democratic republics who believe in the freedom of speech. I know, because I can more or less tell where someone is from even though their comment is "anonymous". Yeah, anonymous...
Posting anonymous comments about the faults with my website is low. This morning I received this line: "remove the music, it's intrusive". Wow. It was so nice waking up to this, especially as it was so short and crisp, laconic, without any social fuss such as "If you don't mind me saying, I think that...". Someone must have felt about it very deeply, truly enjoying my artwork but hating the sound (which granted, is not my own). Well... my site is not really an online exhibition, but an introduction to my stuff. As it is, I'm not adverse to feedback but do appreciate a respectful approach. I know it's hard to conceive but these are my private spaces and you should feel honored to be allowed in. Thank you.

I'm sure that some folks out there don't care that others have a lot on their plate. In fact, it might be really exciting to pressure those who have a lot to deal with and see if they crack. Trouble is, there is no telling what is really going on behind the scene. I'd say, please don't even speculate. Be nice.

Dissolving the Ego

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 10:35:00 +0000

I won't talk about this at great length because I think people can get a lot of detailed information elsewhere. Personally I'd recommend reading Ken Wilber's books on integral psychology or becoming familiar with information that is available on videos. You might wish to look up http://www.integrallife.com or following the free online seminar http://www.GreatIntegralAwakening.com. If your orientation is more New Age, there are plenty of supportive sites that come up when you search for "lightwork" or "ascension". There are some interesting points about personality and psychopathology herehttp://www.enneagraminstitute.com/, not least for individual work. Anyway, here are some of my viewpoints in the form of an outline of this issue as I understand it. I don't expect others to.

People are often a bit confused as to the idea of dissolving the ego even though it's something that is at the forefront of all spiritual movements. This is no wonder since it's hard for the mind to grasp such profound and complex psychological truths. The integral approach is very clear on the fact that a person consists of many levels of reality and undergoes a natural and constant process of evolution. Only subconscious denial of the experiences we go through can be a hinderance. Of course, this approach would be of no significance unless one assumed that some form of reincarnation is a fact (if you don't believe this, there is no need to read further). The level of the ego simply represents one stage in this development, but apparently the hardest one to overcome. The ego is our sense of self as persona in the world, and it's implies a perception of the self as separate from everyone else. It's all about "me, myself and I". Altruism isn't really in place yet. On previous stages of evolution the personality is not clear; it's in the making. On its last evolutionary stop it comes into full bloom. Issues about identity become potent. At first the identification with external things such as material possessions or a job is automatic and constitutes the sense of self (in other words, one's identity equals various transient phenomena outside of oneself rather than who a person really is). As self-awareness increases as a result of evolution and introspection, a person starts to question automatic beliefs and not least, what the sense of self is based in. Seeking love outside of oneself is also a very important theme on this level, as the ego seeks confirmation by others on the one hand but connection and deep sentiments on the other. Some form of psychotherapy might be necessary in order to work out various denied aspects of one's identity in order to rectify all the things that have gone wrong. This is hard work and many people would rather avoid it. However it's necessary to do it so as to stop repeating subconscious psychopathological patterns.

The inner work of healing the self is the same as solidifying the ego. It's very important that it becomes strong and healthy. This includes being able to draw personal boundaries and having the discernment to say no to people and experiences that are not beneficial to one's persona and its growth. However, if a person wishes to aspire to a more spiritual level (and according to this way of thinking people eventually will), they will have to transcend the level of the simple self or ego. This is where the psychological tools such as the inner witness, discernment and detachment become important in one's life. If you try to dissolve an ego that isn't quite in place, you will most likely start to suffer from mental health issues such as psychosis. This is something that can also happen as a result of drug abuse as it forces the mind to reorganize too fast and too soon.

I will give an analogy from my own world. Some people love to create abstract paintings. However, it's not really possible to do good abstractions of the perceived reality if you're not very good at copying the reality you see first. In other words, you need to be good at drawing and painting what you see before you start to dissect and alter your vision. A really meaningful abstraction is one that maintains the most important elements, albeit you can continue to abstract ad infinitum until the traces of our normal reality are gone. This is the process that the painter Piet Mondrian and the sculptor Constantin Brancusi explored back in the early 20th Century. Other forms of abstract art may be nice to look at but their intrinsic meaning is not the same if you get my drift; they are simplifications but not real abstracted abstractions. (I may add that photography tends to be a bit different since the process involves being able to see and capture what is already there, however work on the shots can imply abstraction). In a similar way, spiritual people who appear to have transcended their egoistic needs without actually having done so may have an allure about them but looking up to them is intrinsically meaningless. They are not icons to follow, though in an indirect way people can learn from them too. It's important to understand that negative experiences are also helpful on the journey towards greater self-realization. Via negativa has a way of shaking people in the form of wake up calls to the realization of various truths.

People who enter a spiritual path will thus be faced with the ego and its various pathologies. The most obvious problem is egotism, in other words an excessive need to feel one's trivial desires at the expense of other people or by way of excluding others from one's realm of existence. Isolating oneself from the unity that the collective represents may serve a purpose for a while, as a person strengthens their sense of self. In the long run it becomes a pathological stance though. When working with the psyche, the unhealthy bits need patching up first. Then various ego traps need to be identified. These are habitual attitudes and other programmed ways of dealing with reality that lead people astray. The longer they last, the more ingrained the patterns become and thus more difficult to change.

The deeper truth about the ego is that it almost seems like an entity that hovers above a person and convinces a person that the person equals their ego. Seeing and witnessing this is the first step. The reality of the ego is an illusion, but a potent one. The ego is a conglomerate of beliefs that a person has about themselves. Now a healthy ego is one that contains healthy beliefs about the self and its identity in relation to the world. While that's all fine and dandy, this "little self" eventually needs to be transcended so that the perception of who a person is will include the "greater Self". The ego doesn't represent the greater truth about who we are. Now most psychotherapies out there think that the work is done once a person has been restored to a healthy self, and so the spiritual dimension is excluded. Of course, many people entertain forms of spirituality or religious practice alongside with their journey to become more complete individuals. Though there is nothing wrong with this, recognizing the more hidden but deeper truths about the religions out there is a step towards an even completer integration of the individual. Obviously atheists and agnostics will debate this but from an integral, transpersonal or mystical/spiritual viewpoint there is more to be discovered about life.

There are loads of ego traps that need to be identified. All one's needs and desires need to be scrutinized. While they first need to be rectified and "patched", their usefulness to one's life need to be scrutinized as well. The deconstruction of the little self and its ultimate disintegration goes from there. It's not a quick process, and in fact, it shouldn't be. Neither is it chronological and straightforward. If it is, it probably isn't real. Jack Kornfield wrote a book with the telling title "After the Ecstasy, the Laundry". You may have spiritual experiences but the work with the subconscious conditioning still needs to be done. The disintegration of the ego is simply a process of realizing that the ego served a transitory purpose but that it is not the true Self. The true Self transcends the petty self. But all that remains to be seen! Nobody can tell you exactly what it's like to transcend, only hint at it. It's not something you can put into simple words. Also, nobody can convince you to follow such a path. It comes from within, or it doesn't, and one sign is a longing to feel a deeper connection with the reality that surrounds you, "all that is". An experience of oneness defeats the ego's "mission" to create a sense of a separate self, and this is were the real dissolution of the boundaries of self comes in. The ego doesn't really "die", since nothing about consciousness can be "killed". It's not a matter of changing any facts about your being, only a matter of changing the perception of reality.

Envy Rules the World...

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 11:42:00 +0000

I'm an unassuming kind of person. Unlike some people, I have not really learned how to play the social game very well. This means navigating the social scene with ease as well as knowing intuitively how to surpass the fundamental issues that people may display in the interaction with others. Many people are good at it because they don't have a need to go deep in their relationships and consequently don't miss the feeling of a really profound connection. My parents were never very good at socializing and I myself have always wanted to be true to myself. I can't pretend not to see all the things that are off in terms of social interaction in the world. This goes for issues within my own circles as well as ones I observe elsewhere. Like everyone else, I have wanted to have friends in order to share my life with them, but many a times I've been taken aback by the realization that relationships have ended because of envy. I admit that though I have lots of flaws, being envious is not one of them. Note that certain feelings of resentment is a different kind of problem. Anyway, understanding where envious people are coming from is causing me some headaches.

In my culture (Finnish), it takes time to get to know people and build trust. It's not easy to approach people and so you may not get to know many. It can be very lonely here. The American way is different. Because of many similarities as well as differences we are intrigued by that society. In the American culture, people often come onto you with a lot of zeal and enthusiasm (it may not be the right term here but I'm mostly talking about the way women approach me here), and it's easier to make shallow acquaintances. These can obviously lead to deeper ones if you're lucky. It can be very beneficial to social anxiety (this I have experienced myself), and may seem like a covetable thing. However, the cold showers are more frequent too. I often open up and share elaborate details about myself only to suddenly be treated with callousness and some lame finishing line... The fault that I made was to share too much about myself without having a basis of trust. I get carried away by the welcoming gestures and words only to find myself hitting a brick wall as I'm rushing towards the person in question. I don't want to waste time and develop shallow relationships and so I don't necessarily wish to change my ways. It's a fact, however, that I am becoming more and more reluctant to go through this sort of process. I'm becoming more suspicious and guarded. One reason is the realization that envy is behind the failure of so many connections (both in my own country as well as elsewhere). I certainly don't think there is anything to envy, but I can imagine what other people think they see. So... what can I or anyone else do about it?

Some of the signs of envy in another person is that they try to sabotage your life or your self-esteem, or that they withdraw with a silent and arrogant, snotty and reticent allure. They may either attack you with sudden and very irrational outbursts, or play hard to get. They quickly end the relationship no matter how promising it seemed, or wish to continue being your friend while making sure it's on their terms. You will find that they are always the ones in control, or trying to be. They may even go as far as to create their own version of your name with an evident disregard of your wishes! Of course, this could be a sign of other issues as well, but envy is certainly a very common and potent ailment. When my mother said that it is something that affects 90% of all people I was shocked. I realized that she may be right. "It leaves you with only 10% to relate to", she concluded. I thought of my friends and was well aware that the reason they have stayed in my life is that they have never displayed any envy towards me. These are people of various cultures and with various inner conflicts but they are able to have a sense of integrity that doesn't cause feelings of envy towards others.

It's obvious that people inflicted with envy are hurting quite a bit. Fundamental issues of self-esteem make them compare themselves to others in a way that can either bring about feelings of superiority or inferiority in them. It's a competitive stance. In some cultures such as my own, people are aware of envy and talk quite openly about it. It's not uncommon to hear people joke about "the Finnish national illness, envy" in the media. In other cultures it's not "comme il faut" to admit to feeling envy. It seems that this denied feeling might cause more havoc than it would if bringing it into the open was more acceptable. I don't see any end to the harm that it can cause. As long as people are envious of someone else there will be conflicts and wars. In fact, as I am thinking of it more deeply, it actually threatens to throw me into the throws of depression. It's obvious that my dream about connecting with more people is impossible. It's also the root cause to my frustration with other people. I can't change who I am and make myself less prone to other people's envy. So... as I see it, the only other option is to accept this predicament.

When you walk a spiritual path you have to learn to accept yourself 100%. The other thing is to accept the flaws in others. This really is the very basis of spirituality and the key to liberation from the fetters of the mind. One thing is accepting other people's skin color or sexual orientation; going onto accepting other people's inner selves is really something else and quite demanding. The extent to which we sense a lack of connection with others as well as acknowledge the obstacles says a lot about the degree of oneness that we are missing. The point is to stop yearning for all that from other people. Sometimes when we realize that we can never have what we truly wish, our focus changes. There might be a space there to accept the way things are and the way others behave, and move into tolerance. Yes, complete tolerance. People may always resent others for their accomplishments, and so there is nothing else one can do but to take back the power they have over one's sense of self in relation to others and hope that they will self-correct when the time is right. You may not be doing anything wrong other than giving your relationships too much power over your life, so you need to be discerning about this. Somehow these people need to see that they are truly as valuable as everyone else, and there is not much anyone else can do to help them with that.

Spiritual Transition

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 10:36:00 +0000

I wish to say a few words about spiritual transition. My own experience is that a kind of dark night of the soul is inevitable before something can open up within (see a previous post). You may have worked with yourself for a long time but at some point you're starting to feel weary. Nothing inspires you anymore. It may provoke a severe feeling of anxiety. You will most likely start to feel even more separated from other people and this, depending on your basic constitution, will feel truly horrifying. When you look back you realize that all your attempts at connecting with others have been futile. Now, to make matters worse, people start to drop out of your life. Maybe they don't recognize who you are anymore and may start to shun you. If you feel that this may be the case, it's not a nice feeling and pretty taxing on your sense of self! Some people truly don't fit into the new you that is in transition, as you don't inhabit the same energetic space as them anymore. Some may deep down feel envious of changes in you that they perceive ever so slightly. If you radiate more light then that could disturb other people who might feel inferior in some ways. However, speculating about this may lead you nowhere. Whatever the facts surrounding the loss of people and opportunities, what is certainly true is that a lot of weird stuff keep popping out of the depths of your being and you hardly even recognize yourself anymore! Chances are that you are a kind person, maybe cheerful even, but that doesn't seem to stand through anymore - you question your own self. This is not a bad thing, though, because you need to be open to a new version of you. You may not be going crazy. When you start to feel the true symptom of the dark night of the soul you will not only feel separated from the higher truth ("God" if you will), you will also feel separated from other people. In addition, you will attract odd characters who mirror the issues you still have, and so rather than feel bitter it's more constructive to see them as catalysts or teachers. Remember that they are attracted to you too, for whatever reason. I wouldn't recommend worrying too much about this, instead try and find ways of dealing with it that help to empower you in a good way - any way that helps you become more self-reliant is good because it brings you closer to the real you. Learning to say NO to people and things is a vital part of this process, as it's connected to the idea of resisting temptations along the same lines as the trials that Jesus and Buddha went through!

The horror that you may be experiencing is an existential angst that settles in your body in the form of a taught sensation as well as unpleasant phases of rather extreme anxiety. Because of going through deep inner change, you will also feel very vulnerable and open and other people will either misunderstand you, take advantage of your openness so as to feel superior themselves, or simply cause you to hurt because there is something in the connection that you are supposed to learn from. To bash oneself because one is attracting negative things is not useful in my opinion. This phase may last for a long time. It all depends how much change you can handle. Sometimes a sensitive person like myself also has to deal with physical issues such as fibromyalgia and the like, and this may slow down the process. It's best to try and honor this, relax and rest as much as possible. You just might be going through a major spiritual transition... it will be taxing on every level of your "old self" (physical, emotional, mental...). Don't worry; if all this is going on while you suspect it's a spiritual transition, it's certainly more real than talking yourself into it in some way. Fluttering around in a world of love and light may not get you this far. You may feel immersed in negativity but that's because you're releasing any that you still harbor in the depths of your subconscious mind. I'd recommend trying to accept it for what it is and focus on change for the better. It's in the nature of this predicament not change by force of will alone. However, the more you try to tune into the surrender to spirit, the better. It may seem like the last thing to do, and you won't do it because someone tells you to. You will because you've come to the conclusion that it's the only solution. But Rome wasn't built in a day... so hang in there and try to make the best of the situation.

I have good news, though. If this is indeed what you're going through and doctors are not able to find anything substantially wrong with you, then there will be a day when the Kundalini will wake up. It's a partially dormant energy of creation that starts at the very beginning of your spine (I suggest that people look it up if they are not familiar with this concept). You might be feeling something "going on" in your heart and your belly. Maybe you're thinking that the anxiety is giving way. You will have thoughts about the surrender of the ego to spirit. I can't tell you what exactly you will be thinking as it depends on who you are. You might have experienced some huge emotional break down including a lot of crying and very potent feelings of giving up on some pursuits that you have been very serious about. This is the key but not something you can conjure up yourself. It comes when you're ready. The whole point is that somehow, you've been able to get around the little self's desire to be in charge. It's solving a catch22, or maybe even a whole serious of them; attitudes, ideals and pursuits that you've been entangled in. That's when you will have an inner movement that will clear out a lot of the old psychopathological garbage that you no longer need (false attitudes, false pursuits, focusing on the wrong things in your life, and so on). It begins at the very end of your spine so that's how you know it's the Kundalini.

I would suggest, however, that you really set your priorities straight first. There are many distractions that will keep you in a state of struggle and suffering. In my experience you must choose to serve spirit and forget about any other pursuits such as finding the perfect partner or becoming rich. One Kundalini experience or ten may also not bring the ultimate clearance. Many people think they are enlightened because they got through one major obstacle in their life. What they don't realize is that it may not have been the only one and that one or more really serious ones may still lie ahead if they are willing to allow it. However this is all individual. There is no guidebook that one can follow. This post is only meant to help people be aware of what is possibly going on in their lives and to be open to all of it. Good luck!

Shame on You, Woman! ;-)

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 15:55:00 +0000

Don't get me wrong, I think women are fabulous creatures and most of the time, I think of them as "allies". Not so much in a war against men as within the framework of the project called "understanding ourselves and men". However, for all their wonderfully nurturing aspects, many women are behind the failure of a man to find a good woman. In the past women were not necessarily all that caring because there were too many kids to take care of besides the abusive husband. The morals of the past did not allow children to be respected as children, but were treated in ways that now seem infinitely cold. When things started to change the pendulum went to the other extreme. From the "free upbringing" of the 1970s we are now experiencing an era where the child's needs always goes first. We have a lot of spoilt brats around these days. Kids who rule their parents - and I really didn't make this up myself. Let's hope the balance will be achieved soon!

Women obviuosly need to take extra care to raise their sons in a sound way. Girls seem to be more able to sort out issues of a dysfunctional childhood. But I have yet to meet a man who had an absent or overly needy mother that has actually gotten over it and healed. They roam the Earth restlessly on the look out for the woman who will meet their needs just perfectly, and will obviously never succeed unless they settle for a doormat. One of the men in my past did just that and you wonder... what does he really feel, deep down? They take on someone who will be their hore, cook and maid. But in avoiding the deeper confrontations that naturally come in an intimate relationship, this man is simply running away from responsibilities and from finally growing up. Maybe he makes more babies just to prove his manliness and to superficially keep his partner happy. There is no real and honest interaction and thus no growth or even sense of deeper meaning. What a measly life! Behind this man may be a bad father. One who yelled his head off all the time, possibly even drank and beat up his wife. But even worse, the mother is not there for the boy either. If only parents will learn not to become parents until they are sure they have healed enough to be able to take good care of their children. There is after all now a choice in the Western world. But let me be clear on this; I am not saying all men are dysfunctional, only the ones whose parents did a bad job. I'm sure there are a few who were able to work it through, possibly with a therapist and a loving spouse. But from what I've seen this is difficult for men as they often resist going inside to mend the faulty attitudes they have acquired early on. I also feel that many men have never learnt how to approach a woman, and I assume that has a lot to do with their upbringing and the general climate that makes it alright to pretend to be equal when it's calling for less efforts from the man. This in my opinion is not the way to go... equality is not about treating a potential partner with nonchalance.

I'm writing this because it may seem that I hate men. I really don't, but I'm somewhat frustrated, that's for sure. When you're over forty, single and all the nice men are taken while the rest are nonchalant or dysfunctional, it's not easy to turn a blind eye. What I really feel is that the sordid secrets that many people carry should be exposed to light so that the world can change. Women need to wake up and stop going for the men that echo their childhood wounds. They must find a balance between their vulnerabilities and their strength. They must not be needy and imbalanced within themselves. Only thus can they be the best of parents to their little boys. Boys who eventually need to grow up embracing their male side as well as the female one. All in good balance. These will be just the way women like them to be; strong and manly yet empathic and warm. It is hardly any surprise that women will one day be the same, only in a complementary sort of way that fits their counterpart exactly. When the fit is perfect, there is doubtless no more "need" of any kind. I know it's really hard... but somebody has to start the good trend. Someone has to say stop, no more, and try harder to affect the world even at the peril of being left alone. And it seems to me that women have to make a real effort to change things around... it's a huge responsibility, but possibly the only way?

A spiritual life begins with caring for the self... As someone wise once said, you need to be somebody in order to be nobody. In other words, you need a healthy ego, or strong sense of self, before you can surpass it and open up to the greater truth about your existance. There is in my opinion no escape from this. No matter how impossible or hopeless your situation, you really must become self-reliant and not sit around expecting someone to save you with their love. I know most of us has heard this many times... but as I'm living this truth in my own life I can honestly say that this is what I believe to be true. As I allow my true nature to take the lead I will eventually heal and stop attracting those who try to convert me to their beliefs. While writing about relationships has been an important task in this life, I'm sure that one day there will be no more hurting men in my life to complain about.

How to Recognize a Spiritual "Saviour" Complex

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 13:11:00 +0000

There are people with a saviour's complex. I tend to run into them quite often because of my life situation, which makes me appear very helpless to some people. I don't think one needs to be ashamed of needing a bit of practical help in life - after all we are in this together. In reality, however, real, solid and honest help without ulterior motifs is very hard to come by. Among spiritually minded people there is one major ego trap that prevents them from becoming real enlightened beings no matter how much they might like to or pretend that they are already there. That is the saviour's complex.

I am going to talk about men who hit on women who appear fragile, because this is my personal experience. This is not a scientific thesis but a personal, empirical observation that I hope will help people be discerning about such encounters. In my opinion these men are weak and use their desire to help a woman as an excuse to suck her dry and appear more powerful. They feed on the idea that you're worse off than they are. If you do not wish to end up as a doormat you need to access your male energy and set firm boundaries for what is truly acceptable to you. These are healthy boundaries and nothing to be ashamed of either. You will meet with resistance but do not waver if your gutfeeling tells you that you're being subjected to something that is not good for you. Many of these points can be found in spiritual or religious teachers and in women, too. These are sad people but it's not your job to take care of their needs! They will never stop projecting their own sense of deficiencies on you.

The man in question has often spent a great deal of his life in meditation and has thus spent very little time learning about honest communication, relationships, and how to approach a woman in a tantalizing way. What may seem like an unconventional approach to dating is in fact simply a lack of knowledge and insight. Don't mistake clumsy with interesting. This guy doesn't have enough knowledge about real life because of having escaped it for so many years. He will obviously pride himself with the fact that he's meditated for so and so long.

He's not very likely to compliment you, because he's not really looking for a normal love relationship. He will hide his intentions from you or talk about them in a confusing way. This reveals that his heart is not open to you (or anybody else). He might even complain about having to be compassionate! He's certainly not that far evolved if this is the case! His strategy is to give you a nagging feeling of being inferior so that he can bombard you with his so-called wisdom and advice about how you should lead your life. If you start to feel that you won't be good enough for him or that you have to prove yourself all the time, it's a definite warning sign.

He's secretive about his intentions because he wants you to surrender to him. He may talk in terms of sexual surrender but what he really wants is for you to surrender your will to him. He will make you feel confused. Messing with your mind is a way of trying to control it. Many gurus use this technique as well so beware. Ultimately he will talk about surrendering to God's will. It's important to be really vigilant about the differences.

He loves quotes and will most likely bombard you with them. Instead of feeling uplifted, you start to feel drained and tired from them. They don't come from his heart and are certainly not meant to make you feel better about yourself. An authentic spiritual person is more creative and original than to use an endless array of quotes! This is in the nature of true spirituality! It goes without saying that this guy loves to preach. He may reveal that others think of him as a priest. I've even been told that I am one. Such talk is most likely just a projection from his own mind, a revelation about his true way of thinking.

Even if you signal your needs, for instance that you had a long and hard day, he won't take notice. He will keep you waiting because he needs to do his meditation first or for some really silly reason such as the summer heat. He won't be firm about how to proceed with the contact. Instead he will make sure that you don't know when he's going to call and it will seem that it's not okay for you to call him. Remember that he thinks he knows what you need and will be oblivious to anything outside of this subjective perception!

He will start to tell you what you need in order to become a better person or healthier, or even more beautiful. It sounds nice and empathic to begin with. He promises to give you tantalizing treatments and choose your dresses. But if you state your own opinions about your needs he will resist them. What he wants to give you may seem like an original gift but it's often just a copy of something someone else created or a ready-made formula that was not that hard to conjure up. Always be on the look-out for the lack of original thoughts and ideas. He may sound convincing but what he says may be straight from a manual. He loves his gurus and will refer to them quite often.

He claims to know what you're going through because he's been there but made it to the other side. In other words, he's more enlightened than you and thus has an excuse to give you the impression that he knows things about you that he can't reveal just yet, not until you're ready. This is a simple way of keeping you in suspense and thus dependant on him. His favourite adage is surely "embrace the unkown".

He might suggest that he will come into good fortune financially in "just a short while" and so hanging out with him is a good idea. This way he tries to make sure that you're going to stick around. The funny thing is, he may claim to become very lavish with his future money but he will complain about petty expenses that you caused him in one way or another, in the here and now. Such hints are tasteless coming from any man, no matter how upset he may be!

If you listen carefully, you'll see that while his tone of voice is often without much expression, there are moments when some form of bitterness will enter his speech. This will reveal the trauma that is driving him and it's very often a deficient parent. The scary thing is, he's likely to be looking for the mother he never had in you. If you're not the image of Mother Mary he will not be happy, and obviously no one can ever meet with his expectations. He may be an alpha male or a weakling; either way he will not make you feel calm and secure.
If he has an obsessive way of talking about the ego all the time and in all contexts, take heed. He probably has a problem with it. He might claim that he is ego-free but will make it clear that you're still ego-driven. For instance, he might say that testing people is behaviour typical of the ego and complain that you test him rather than trust him. Most likely he doesn't shy away from testing himself though. I ran into someone who was deceptive about trivia in order to see if anyone would be drawn to him on the basis of his energy. This is not really normal behaviour. Yet some form of testing is quite normal in the beginning of a relationship since you can't be expected to trust a stranger right from the start. If you are wary and cautious, he will probably hold your lack of trust in him against you even at an early stage of the relationship.

If you're stronger than he anticipated, he may retreat into a form of emotional blackmail. He will tell you that you don't act like a woman, or he may even reveal that he's the sensitive one who needs to be treated with the utmost care. If he has no real access to his male energy he will be passive-aggressive. Spiritual men are rarely able to express real anger and so he resents yours and shuns it like the plague! He might call you a controlling bitch when all you did was state your boundaries in a way that he is not able to do himself. He may call you hateful though you never used any actual words of hatred since you tried to be civil.

His most desperate attempt to get a hold of you is to refer to God's will (or that of any other form of higher power) and to insinuate that he knows what's best for you but you don't and you're missing out on life because you are stupid enough to resist God's will. I've been told that the man knew he was God's gift to me because I had earned it through good karma, but I was too stupid and my soul was too broken from torment to see it. And this was said with a winking smiley.

My Defintion of Beauty

noreply@blogger.com (Vivi-Mari) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 21:11:00 +0000

What follow are my responses to questions about beauty on an internet forum.

My story begins in my late teens when I was obsessed with the concept of beauty. I remember writing long rants about it though I had nothing to rely on. It was something that had entered my mind in an intuitive sort of way and I do feel that it was a foreboding of my leap into spirituality. I will try and capture what my ideas on beauty have been since. Bear with me; this is tentative and I never was a student of aesthetics.

Since I became aware of beauty, I loved walking around town looking at beautiful old buildings and antiques in antique shops. In those days, it seemed that only old things qualified as beautiful. Looking back, I'm not surprised that the style of the 1980s repelled me! There is no way I can find beauty in it to this day. I soon came to the conclusion that there are some guidelines to beauty. First, a classic measure of sorts that is based in the platonic ideas of the perfect proportions. The second criteria has to do with the natural world - natural materia as well as a natural attitude seem more beautiful than artificial materia and fake behaviour. The third criteria is connected to the degree to which something or someone is soulful - in other words older objects seem more beautiful because they are impregnated with more energy and the traces of use while more profound people who know themselves will appear more beautiful than shallow people. The interesting thing is that while slick perfection can be pretty, it tends to lack interest. While proportions are important, the slight imperfection (the trace of a human hand, the uneven character of a wooden floorboard) often induces more beauty rather than taking away from it.

I've never attempted to map all this out before so it's sketchy, however I would say this is how I still perceive beauty. It seems to me that the same values can be transcribed to any level of existance. Ugly is thus artificial, fake, shallow, pretentious and so on. Brainless young bimbos with implants would thus not qualify! We are surely talking of other values in that case... But... You will surely argue that some modern items as well as young people can be very beautiful. I do agree. In fact I love a lot of modern things. The freshness of new things and new ideas, or people who are only just beginning to live! Yet if we look more closely I think we can find the above values attached to these things. A modern building can be very beautiful when it has been carefully and lovingly planned with natural materials and depth of thought, as well as using a good sense of proportions (something which I feel people felt intuitively in the old days but lost since functionalism in the 20th Century).

It seems to me that I've tried to transcribe these values to my artwork (proportions, depth, meaning, materia, vintage charm and so on). A few years ago my interest in photography escalated and I found myself seeking out interesting surfaces that would make for abstract photo artwork. I loved visiting the junkyard where I found rust and decay; these surfaces made for quite beautiful pictures. In my case it was not a question of just recording what I saw. First, I had to recognize potential. Then I had to choose angle and approach. After this, I still did things to the picture in photoshop. I was in other words elevating what I saw to a higher level of aesthetic experience. It was not so much a case of seeing beauty as seeing potential that could be turn into beauty with the use of a creative attitude.

The ability to see potential in things has been transcribed to my relationships. I've had a number of boyfriends that were diamonds in the rough, but never grew to bloom in full glory. The relationships ended and I realized I had to find someone who was already "something". This something mirrors an array of personal requirements, my subjective perception of a beautiful person. It's someone who is already by force of their own intervention a reasonably accomplished, profound and wise "old soul". I suppose that in the case of human beings there is so much soul and spirit that the desire for external beauty (the perfect proportions and so on) recedes into the background (well I appreciate external beauty but am not obsessed with it and don't need for it to be present in my personal life - this has been a bit difficult to deal with and I'm not done yet, however it's important that I get there). Sure it would be great to have it all but in this world, that would be a shallow attitude! I myself am certainly not the epitome of external beauty. But I hope my inner richness will make up for that in someone else's eyes. As we all know other people only mirror what we see in ourselves. So I wouldn't expect anything else from anyone.

There is just one more thing I'd like to add. In the 1990s as I got to know New Age people and the movement I was a bit surprised to find that aesthetically speaking, people chose glitter and slick looking pictures with space themes or otherworldly subjects. While some glitter and slickness is fine, too much of it becomes boring to me. I then realized that these people were indeed reaching for "other than this reality" and that it was a very different form of spirituality than what I was interested in. My career as an artist does reflect to a very high degree the aesthetics of this realm and a desire to express values connected to the earth. I don't think my preferences are particularly personal. I would think they are quite "integral" and universal in nature.

I do feel that some artists are meant to reveal the beauty in the most unlikely places. What many people would pass by an artist is able to capture and express in a way that helps other see something there as well. I love when you say "Beauty is not a device to create disharmony", lol, so very true! How often in this world beauty becomes a vehicle for selfish, egotistic pursuits. It's interesting how condemned a person can get for their lack of conventional beauty of the internet where people have little else but a buddy icon to go by. I've been ridiculed for my glasses! I assume that the same people would never say a thing in real life - let alone notice the eyewear. Still it signals a society that is obsessed with slickness and perfection at the expense of soulfulness.

Artwork: "Twists of Fate", handmade collage, copyrighted by author 2009