A Therapist Topoi

Co-Dependant No More

2014-11-12T11:55:00.002-08:00

Melody Beattie shares in Co-Dependant No More a simple allegory:

Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there is to know. The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so she could study. Every morning, the guru returned to the cave to monitor the woman's progress. In his hand, he carried a heavy wooden cane. Each morning, he asked her the same question: "have you learned everything there is to know yet?" each morning, her answer was the same. "No," she said, "I haven't." The guru would then strike her over the head with his cane.

This scenerio repeated itself for months. One day the guru entered the cave, asked the same question, heard the same anwser, and raised his cane to hit her in the same way, but the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping his assault in midair.

Relieved to end the daily batterings but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled. 'congratulations," he said, "you have graduated. You now know everything you need to know."

"How's that?" the woman asked.

"You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know," he replied. "And you have learned how to stop the pain."

Stopping pain in ones life and taking control of your life is necessary to overcome co-dependent behaviors, relationships and addictions.

Addictions and pain are often a result of a system and not an individual. It is easier to simply blame a single person or entity for the pain and struggle we are experiencing. It is much harder to understand how all the parts of our lives may play a role in our own demise and suffering. Externalizing a problem like alcoholism from an individual is difficult because it seems and feels like they just continue to drink or hurt us in spite of adverse consequences. That is the basic defenition of addiction for many professionals. Continued use despite adverse consequences. It is necessary to externalize the problem from the person and begin to belief that it is simply a function of a marriage or family.

Balancing the tow realities of it being an individual choice and circumstance as much as a relationships or family is difficult but necessary.

Couples Therapy "Heart Breathing"

2014-10-30T17:18:00.001-07:00

Heart Breathing combines mindfulness with visual imagery. The heart sends more messages to the brain then the brain sends to the rest of the body. You can live with out a brain but not without a heart.

Take a moment to focus on your breathing. Focus on the moment between inhale and exhale. Be present with that moment. Notice your chest rise and fall. As thoughts and feelings come to you simply acknowledge them and gently return your attention back to your breathing. As you begin to relax and be mindful of your breathing begin to tune into your heart. Visualize your heart in the front of your mind. What does it look like, feel like and sound like? Begin to really be present with your heart visualizing it as you breath deeply and further relax your body and mind.

As you do this the heart will naturally calm you as a mother rocking a child to sleep. The heart beats attune themselves to one another and a bonding occurs. Oxytocin and other hormones are released. In heart breathing your attunement to your own breathing and heart can dramatically calm your central nervous system and neurological process. Several of my clients have been able to fall asleep and soothe themselves effectively with this technique. From urges for food, drugs, PTSD symptoms and anxiety a person can tap into the power of their own heart and body to acquire relief.

I often have couples do this as well as a way to soothe themselves, learn to down regulate difficult emotions and racing thoughts. It helps them bond and attach to one another in a nonverbal way. It is powerful. Place your head on your partners chest and use their heart beat. Take turns. Allow silence and gently move yourself back into present awareness when struggling with racing thoughts and emotions. Tune into your breathing and visualize the heart.

Psychotherapy "Sit up Straight"

2014-10-29T16:32:00.001-07:00

Adult ADHD/ADD

2014-10-29T16:28:00.001-07:00

It can be extremely difficult to live with an individual that suffers with ADHD or another mental health related disorder. Empathy can be learned, cultivated and utilized as an effective tool for yourself and loved ones that suffer. Speak with a therapist or myself on how you can begin to expand or develop empathy as well as utilize it.

Individuals with ADHD often feel misunderstood and disconnected continually wondering why they struggle as they do. Shame, guilt and helplessness to control the symptoms makes it worse as they do exert much energy into being resilient. They regret and tire from the constant energy exerted to focus, succeed and curb the restlessness and rough character and personality traits.

I have recently treated several adults, that very late in their life, through mostly chance, have uncovered an ailment they have long been suffering from. It doesn't always ease the discomfort knowing that they have been resilient and minimized the impairments of such an ailment. The instability in mood and difficult aspects of functioning each day wear them out yet a constant nagging like a motor is driving them persists. The dichotomy is intense at times and results in depressive like symptoms. Apathy, procrastination, inattentiveness and other annoying behaviors take over and the person can begin to feel worthless, rejected and misunderstood by those around them.

Medication, Therapy and most of all lifestyle changes are what most help individuals. This in and of itself and be a whole new battle. This sounds bleak and thier is hope. Although most will struggle with symptoms throughout the lifespan as they wax and wane it can be manageable. ADHD doesn't have to impair your life continually.

ADHD in children has been found to persist into adulthood. Adult ADHD/ADD is difficult to diagnose and often missed and therefore not treated.

Begin with a self-report assessment and then speak with a professional.

http://www.harthosp.org/InstituteOfLiving/AnxietyDisordersCenter/AdultADHD/OnlineAssessment/default.aspx

Trauma Mask "Exposure Therapy"

2014-10-28T18:02:00.001-07:00

Trust is important in a therapeutic relationship, especially when confronting trauma or exposing yourself to painful truths about yourself and your reality.

I recently asked a ten year old girl to confront her trauma of drowning by making a trauma mask. This activity was to be one of closure and one last big stride to overcome her anxiety. She has overcome separation anxiety, anxiety, sleep disturbance and emotional and behavioral issues over the past four months but a trauma in her past still presents itself in dreams and she becomes a mermaid often in the dreams as to feel safe in and around water. These changes have been consistent for six weeks but sharing her trauma story is still really hard.

She was really excited to make a plaster face mask with plaster of paris. She didn't like the idea of sharing her story with her mask on. She wants to decorate it but not openly share her story. In making the mask she was able to talk about the time at a birthday party more easily but quickly the anxiety overwhelmed her. This was the second time she actively kicked the ball. She has done it in other ways throughout therapy but never as directly. I encouraged her to decorate the mask and slowly tell her story to her family that is already aware of the event. I gave her permission to pace it out and even make it about the mask. We talked about how the mask is not her and neither is the trauma. Taking the mask off is symbolic of taking the trauma off.

Telling her story lessens the power and anxiety it has over her. I put on my mask again as she requested and shared my story. This empowered her and she left with resolve to kick the ball a few more times with people she can trust.

Parents have also helped her in becoming a more confident swimmer which she is succeeding at.

Online Therapy

2014-10-28T17:47:00.000-07:00

When working with troubled youth all around the country, for a residential treatment center near Park City, Utah, I had the privilege to do therapy via phone and the internet with their parents. My clients were also a part of this collateral or family therapy. At times I struggled with the lack of non-verbal communication and data. I felt it hard to be process oriented at first. I quickly adapted and was able to execute therapy in a similar way as traditional face to face. In the end, I found the results to be similar and satisfactory.

I currently offer online therapy via mytherapynet.com. http://securetherapy.com/johnellis/
I also use a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy model at online-therapy.com.
http://www.online-therapy.com/therapist/john-ellis
I am also on google helpouts. https://helpouts.google.com/

All three are secure platforms. The CBT platform allows me to utilize worksheets, assessments and other tools to directly treat specific mental health related symptoms and disorders. I respond back to what you have accomplished through the secure platform as well as am available to chat, email and have a video session through the platform.

My therapy net and help-outs is for a more traditional talk therapy approach.

I view online therapy not as a replacement therapy but an adjunct or an alternative to face to face therapy. I have a few clients utilizing the CBT model as part of their maintenance therapy as they want the changes to stick.

Some individuals may have disabilities or extenuating circumstances that inhibit or make difficult a more traditional form of therapy. Some people live in more remote settings. Whatever the need or circumstance an individual may feel it more convenient and effective to do therapy from the comfort of there own home.

Jellistherapy & Associates

2014-10-16T17:45:00.000-07:00

The following blog post is an introduction to my self as a person, therapist and business owner. I truly believe in imparting of myself to others. The relationship and process we can create therapeutically allows for healing and greater growth and development in our shared humanity.

In The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm writes, “ That most important sphere of giving…is not that of material things, but lies in the specifically human realm. What does one person give to another? He gives of himself, of the most precious he has, he gives of his life. This does not necessarily mean that he sacrifices his life for the other—but that he gives of that which is alive in him; he gives him of his joy, of his interest, of his understanding, of his knowledge, of his humor, of his sadness—of all expressions and manifestations of that which is alive in him…he does not give in order to receive; giving is in itself exquisite joy. But in giving he cannot help bringing something to life in the other person, and this which is brought to life reflects back to him; in truly giving, he cannot help receiving that which is given back to him.” (The Art of Loving, New york: Harper & Ro, 1956, pp.24-25)

Jellistherapy & Associates is my (DBA) and a new owner of Sequoia Family Therapy Services LLC. We utilize the discipline of Marriage & Family Therapy to provide quality psycho-therapeutic services and counseling for children, teens, adults, couples and families.

Visit our Website for further details: www.northsaltlakecounseling.com

We are currently experience success with our in-home family therapy service along the Wasatch front. (Utah) We are hoping to expand our online therapy service for Utah residents.

For those residing outside of Utah we can psycho-educate and consult but will not provide psycho-therapeutic services.

Schedule a phone or video conference today by emailing me at jellistherapy@gmail.com or calling (801) 874-5875.

Warm Regards,

John D. Ellis LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Marriage & Family Therapy

2014-10-16T17:39:00.002-07:00

Marriage & Family Therapy

#Communication #Assumptions #Cognitive & Emotional Intelligence #The Four Agreements

2014-10-15T16:36:00.001-07:00

Great communication begins internally. Take time to manage your internal dialogue and experience before speaking. The following is a process of internally communicating with oneself as to enhance what is already a great human quality.

Our brains are wired to make inferences and assumptions. This occurs from pre-programmed like responses/data in the limbic system to the more pliable outer cortex executive function and reasoning frontal lobe. We are environmentally conditioned by parents and society solely operate out of our bias and assumptions. If we do we can be controlled, domesticated and easier to influence or persuade. Whether it is nature or nurture it occurs and it is our responsibility to manage it. I believe it can help us to continue to evolve.

We already hone and cultivate this ability throughout the lifespan. The limbic or reptilian part of our brain is kept in check better and better as our frontal lobe develops. This dichotomy exists for a purpose; it allows us to grow and develop further. The goal is to master the impulse to make assumptions and inferences by beginning to work with them verses letting them control you. The neuro-plasticity of the brain will then expand and new neural networks will form causing an individual to continue to develop their emotional and cognitive intelligence.

To make inferences through cognitive reasoning and language is a necessary skill and intelligence. It is part of child development and necessary for survival. I don't want to undo what is a universal truth and necessary for survival. I will ask you to modify it and evolve it. Our ability to make inference and assumptions has helped us evolve our intelligence. I believe that it can continue to do so. Know we have to evolve from a creature who assumes and can be domesticated to truly being free; even from our own assumptions and bias.

We are emotionally and cognitively intelligent creatures. However, often strengths can become weaknesses. We begin to assume that our inferences and assumptions are always correct and should never be challenged. We assume that the emotions those inferences and assumptions invoke are truth. This is a weakness and no longer a strength. It gets in the way of us truly understanding ourselves and reality. It gets in the way of us having meaningful personal relationships.

In The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, it states a rule of thumb to not make assumptions.

I believe that we need to work with our assumptions and eventually learn to not rely on them as truth but simply information. Over time if we engage in this process our inference and assumptions become much more precise yet never truth. It is always information and experience that should be used to inform but not dictate. To have a learning conversation is to make assumptions and test those. To have some transparency and then clarify. That transactional process is communication. One can not not make assumptions. What we do with those assumptions is the key.

My first rule of thumb is to be willing to challenge yours and others assumptions. Secondly, the emotion they invoke needs to be challenged. It is not inherent truth. It is simply information.
Then we need to have the courage to ask questions. Don Miguel also states this in his explanation. It is much better to have the conversation, ask the question and get more information then to simply make an assumption. To simply make an assumption and leave it at that is irresponsible. Our behavior, thoughts and emotions can then be subconsciously driven by a faulty assumption and over time beliefs about reality, relationships and people. New information and interaction then puts us off balance when it should be of assistance to our realities and relationships.

Have the courage to challenge your inferences, assumptions and the emotions they come with. Have the difficult conversations. Ask the uncomfortable questions. I have found that this is a basic process I utilize in psychotherapy. It is a great skill to hone for interpersonal, business and other relationship interactions. I believe that it is a indication of cognitive/emotional intelligence and an ability to truly communicate effectively.

The Four Agreements is a great book. I do believe that assumptions should be worked with more then absolved from who we are as humans.

jellistherapy « MyTherapyNet.com

2014-10-14T07:49:00.001-07:00

Online therapy has been useful for me over the years in meeting with parents of young adults across the country. At times, I have had clients make use of it as a simple tool to check in and follow up on progress. Some choose to make it their primary medium of psychotherapy especially as we enter into maintenance therapy. I am currently beginning to utilize two secure platforms (i.e mytherapynet.com and online-therapy.com).

For a CBT based online therapy platform. (Click the Logo) @ www.northsaltlakecounseling.com

For regular psychotherapy or coaching click the link below.
jellistherapy « MyTherapyNet.com

Spirituality & Perfectionism

2014-09-16T10:37:00.001-07:00

www.northsaltlakecounseling.com

I incorporate a spiritual aspect to my therapeutic approach. Why?
1) Research shows that resilient individuals have one primary common denominator, spirituality. Clients often invite it in or utilize it as part of overcoming what besets them.
2) Language constructs much of the therapeutic interaction and spirituality is a common language of our humanity.
3) People often exhibit the disease of perfectionism and toxic shame.
I believe that spirituality combats perfectionism.
As Dr. Brene Brown stated in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, perfectionism and shame, according to research, lead to anxiety, depression, addiction and life paralysis. I believe they are powerful enough to create, perpetuate or maintain mental illness and other impairing symptomatology.
Brene Brown suggests that perfectionism is different then striving to be your best or healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism as described by Dr. Brene Brown is a façade or shield that we create as to avoid the painful feelings of shame, guilt, judgment and blame. Perfectionism can simply be the behavior and emotional energy exhausted to maintain perception and seek for nothing more then approval and acceptance as suggested by Dr. Brene Brown.
This rudimentary form of perfectionism may only lead to loneliness, disconnectedness, unsatisfactory interpersonal relationships and low self-esteem versus mental illness. Perfectionism robs us of authenticity and real self-actualization. Overtime I have experienced that it has much more of a cost then the above mentioned. I believe it robs us of spirituality and connectedness to our common humanity and authentic self. I hope those consequences are enough to consider letting go of the façade to what ever measure one may have it. It is important to remember that it is a common human experience to have a measure of perfectionism and being kind to yourself as you change is crucial.
I am not a biblical or Christian therapist despite my firm religious convictions and spirituality. Perfectionism is no respecter of persons religious or non-religious. It is part of our common humanity and for that I have compassion. A basic practice of psychotherapy for me is instilling hope. Hope has been described not as an emotion but a way of thinking and conceptualizing a reality accompanied by emotions. Hope can be as simple as identifying a goal and moving towards it both emotionally and cognitively with a belief in self or a power greater then self. Resilient individuals, according to Dr. Brene Brown have also been found to cultivate hope. Spiritually, hope then begets faith in my mind and heart. Below is my attempt to assist you in reframing your few of striving for "perfect" to instill a new since of hope for personal growth.
The Greek word telios (perfect) derives from the Greek word telos. The meaning of telos is ‘to set out for a definite point, or goal’ or ‘the point aimed at as a limit’. This is when using the word as an adjective. When using it as a verb it means "to be complete."
Every so often in therapy I have a sincere Christian state that they strive and feel Christ like and desire to become more as Christ was is and will be. I acknowledge this as a definite point and goal defined by personality, characteristics, virtues and behaviors as well as a well conceptualized way of being. In this I also challenge the perfectionism that often surfaces in the attempt to align with such a way of being. As a Christian I had a painful cognitive, emotional and spiritual time as a young man in wrestling with this very notion and process. I often still do at times. The process none the less has provided me desired growth and happiness. I have learned to have less and less "perfectionism" and greater telios. I have also learned that it is ok to be me and still strive for a Christ like life.
To strive for a definite point or way of being is a process and admirable. To just pretend to be is defeating to ones true self.
In the end, my stance is that whatever definite point or goal you have acquired a thought process and conceptualization for; even hope for, is best understood as a process. I would add a process of imperfection. In wrestling with our imperfections we can therefore become more complete or "perfect" according to our own respective hopes and values. We need not create an allusion that will only invite and intensify the emotions we often fear dealing with.
Blog post stimulated by Dr. Brene Brown's, The gift of Imperfection: Let Go of Who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are.

A Theory of Change & Healthy Relationship Behavior

2014-09-16T10:37:00.000-07:00

Listen Empathically
-Humans have a deep yearning to be heard, understood and accepted. Loneliness is devastating to the human spirit and psyche.
Congruence of Self & Genuineness
-"I trust it is clear that when I can permit realness in myself or sense it or permit it in another, I am very satisfied. When I cannot permit it in myself or fail to permit it in another, I am very distressed." (Carl Rogers)
Acceptance for Self and Others
-Valuing another is healing. Acceptance of self and others provides safety, security, trust and healthy attachment or connectedness.
Present Awareness
-Can you fully be present with yourself and another. When you drift attention can you bring yourself back to present focus. The energy you dedicate to staying present with an individual translates into that relationships emotional connection and ledger.
-As a clinician, the external world dissipates from my consciousness and I delve into the reality of my client while staying connected to self and its reality. We are like children and undivided attention is our emotional language.
Reflect Upon Process
-The non-verbal communication, energy and emotional that is transacted between individuals often needs a voice. Giving your own process a voice as well as what you perceive is occurring in an interpersonal interaction facilitates healthier process.
-Sometimes the nature of content is irrelevant to the other layers of our communications.
Allow for Agency
-To permit another their autonomy and agency establishes trust and respect as well as allows for another to grow within your influence but not superimposed upon in such a manner that stifles growth.
Transparency
-I feel a sense of satisfaction when I can dare to communicate the realness in me to another." (Carl Rogers)
Vulnerability
-Vulnerability begets vulnerability. Allowing another to witness your humanity allows for connection and permission to be authentic as well.
Validation
-People need to be built up and acknowledge for what they are doing well.
Challenge
-People need to be challenged to see reality as it was, is and can be.
Lastly, in my latest theory of change I believe that belief is essential.
Belief
-"That the individual has within him/her vast resources for self-understanding, for altering self-concept, attitudes, and self directed behavior... (Carl Rogers)
For Psychotherapist:
-"that these resources can be tapped if only a definable climate of facilitative psychological attitudes can be provided. (Carl Rogers)
I aspire to continue to have a profound humanistic characteristic to self and my clinical practice. Carl Rogers humanistic theory has allowed me to reconstruct a more simplistic theory of change in which to ground myself with during my interpersonal interactions.
Therapy often models what can be successfully practiced in other relationships to enhance relationship satisfaction and personal fulfillment and self-actualization.

Loneliness is Lethal

2014-09-16T10:36:00.000-07:00

Humans are not wired for loneliness. Humans are creatures of communication and emotional networks for their survival and self-actualization. We are relationship dependent entities of intelligent matter. We also need autonomy, individuality and distance at times. Some prefer and survive solitude. I myself enjoy escaping life into the wilderness and could make due for quit sometime in the absence of society. In the end, to be a hermit is an anomaly and less practical in this day of age. We as humans have our dichotomy and preference. The truth stands however, that we are interconnected and thrive as such. Psychotherapy should be no different.
The late Carl Rogers (famous psychologist) once implied that loneliness is lethal. In reading Carl Rogers I came to believe further that diagnosis and objectifying a patient can exsacherbate symptomology and the loneliness of the patient. Mentally ill individuals are often plagued with great loneliness, rejection and being misunderstood by themselves and others. Replicating that through objectification of a patient and over emphasis on diagnosis is not healing. Psychotherapy is a healing art through a humanistic relationship, knowledge of psychology and therapeutic treatment modalities. Psychology is still the study of the soul and their for treatment of the soul. Objectifying the soul is damaging.
Carl Rogers pioneered client centered therapy. I am not a Rogerian therapist but I do believe in his five levels of empathy and client centered approach to therapy. I believe psychotherapy is an existential encounter and should be regarded as a interpersonal relationship. A humanistic approach must always be present with great measure. Maybe I am Rogerian according to the spirit of Rogerian therapy. As an integrative therapist I feel I can identify myself and therapeutic interactions across several theories and modalities.
As Carl Rogers I propose the question: "If only they had known that treating a person as an object always stands in the way of successful therapy?"
This applies to relationship satisfaction in general. If you treat your spouse, children, relatives, friends, co-workers and others as objects it will always stand in the way of having a meaningful and healthy relationship.
Are you having real relationships or approaching people as objects and simply means to an end? We often can use relationships to simply meet our own emotional, psychological and physical needs.
I would invite us to be more cognizant of how we approach those closest to us. People are people; not objects.
Book Title:
A Way Of Being by Carl Rogers

Relationship Repairs: A Healthy Relationship Behavior

2014-09-12T14:52:00.000-07:00

Relationship Repairs: An Essential Interpersonal Interaction

John D. Ellis M.A. Marriage & Family Therapist

In this blog post, I will illustrate “Relationship Repairs” as an effective parenting principle. As parents we mirror and model relationship phenomenon. It is important that we mirror and model to our children healthy relationship behaviors that promote love, trust, fairness and healing. Interpersonal relationships can be hurtful at times...leaving us emotionally dysregulated...distrusting the world around us. “Repairs” are not just a principle to offset the harsh nature of people and relationships but a way to experience greater relationship satisfaction. “Repairs” is a principle that accomplishes this and much more.

“Relationship Repairs” are most commonly executed with the stem phrases “I am sorry...I apologize...I regret...Can you forgive me...” I want you to begin to attempt to expand upon this rudimentary form of relationship repair with your child this week. First, spend a moment pondering upon how you initiate a relationship repair. Maybe you speak the language of gifts. Maybe you speak the language of service, positive words of affirmation or even touch. With children the best language is that of time and attention. Expressing love is a form of repair. The only caution I would give is to not buy “Repairs”. Be balanced and speak the language of your children.

“Repairs” are an interactional process. When apologizing the most important thing to do is to follow through with behaviors that reinforce ones apology, remorse etc... Next, is finding a way to reconnect and foster the closeness in the relationship . We want to show that we our trustworthy, fair and genuinely loving to each other.

It is important to make repairs to keep our relationships balanced. Therapists have what we call relationship ledgers or the emotional bank accounts. Relationships need a healthy measure of reciprocity. In a given day we have many routine interactions along with the negative and positive deposits or withdraws from the relationship. Our relationships are a sacred resource to feel safe, and meet emotional needs; primarily, feeling accepted, understood and cared for. Spend a moment and ponder that analogy..then ask yourself if you are making too many withdrawals versus deposits. Repairs are a form of deposits. Let me just give you two small examples and a scripture or two to think about ‘Relationship Repairs”

Listen to the truth Dad,” proclaimed Eli. Our four year old caught me neglecting the truth in relation to his mother. It was nothing big, of course. Nevertheless, I simply leaned down ..holding his arms gently while looking him in the eyes and stated: “It is important to listen to the truth and obey isn’t it. I will do better at listening. I didn’t apologize or justify my actions. I did acknowledge my misbehavior. This is a small example of a repair. Eli knows I want to be fair, kind and loving to him and his mother. I acknowledged that I made a mistake. I then re-routed my course and engaged in a way with my wife that modeled,“listening to the truth.” That represented something to Eli about his father/relationships. This is a repair because Eli feels mistreated at times...misunderstood even. He wants to know that he can trust us to do the same as we demand from him. He feels disappointed in himself and us when that is not the case. That can be hard for a four year old to make sense of.

Stop that! (Heavy steps...Spank...Crying) We don’t pull your sisters hair. (Child being dragged by the arm to their room.) You stay in here until I come get you (harsh tone). “I hate you, declares the Child.” Parent screams, “just wait until your father gets home.” Corporal punishment and disciplining in anger necessitates a “repair.” I am not saying to never spank a child. I am saying that when disciplining repairs are still needed and they don’t undermine a parents power or control. It is always important to show an added measure of love and acceptance for a person after chastising them, disciplining them or holding them accountable for socially inappropriate behaviors.

A “repair” in this case would result in the parent approaching the child (once both have gained composure), embracing the child and expressing regret for having acted in anger and using violence to solve the problem. A ‘“repair” would be the parent then addressing the child's feelings and assisting them in resolving the emotional distress of that interaction and that of struggling to play nice with little sister. I would self reflect on my own behavior and how I could have responded differently. I would apologize for not doing so. I would then throughout the day strive to find ways to assist my child feel my support, love and trustworthiness again. All of this at the same time of continually disciplining, guiding, teaching, playing and caring for the child's basic needs. This may sound like being over concerned for the child's emotional process. Well, children have that need from a parent during the primary years of development. It requires us to be patient, humble, meek and submissive towards those who have less knowledge and understanding than ourselves. The responsibility in having a healthy and balanced interaction is disproportionate when dealing with a child.

“Repairs” are an interactional process that subsequent the stems of “I am sorry...I apologize...I regret...Can you forgive me for... by following through with behaviors that reinforce ones sincere remorse, or regret for harm done to the trust and fairness of a relationship. It is proceeding to reconnect and foster closeness as to make a well conceived deposit to the overall relationship ledger. We need our children to feel loved, experience safety, trust, fairness and healing in relationships while learning to curb socially inappropriate behaviors. They will experience high levels of relationship satisfaction and emotional intelligence. Parents will have a more solid foundation on which to parent, discipline and raise intelligent offspring. Relationships without repairs is simply abusive...leaving us hurt, vulnerable and distrustful of each other and the world.

Couples Therapy

2014-09-11T18:52:00.000-07:00

Contextual Therapy

www.northsaltlakecounseling.com

Communication Strategy

Difficult Conversations: Finances etc...

Play Therapy

2014-09-11T18:49:00.001-07:00

This video series has been a useful therapeutic tool for many of the parents I have worked with this past six months. I hope I have explained and modeled succinctly basic relationship interactions that can enhance your relationship with your child and there play. Play really is the language of children.

Take time to experiment with these new behaviors and assist your child release emotion into their play and problem solve. They will can mastery over there emotions and cognitive process in working through the difficulties the feel and experience in life. Remember that parenting is a relationship. This is time to develop a relationship and let go of the need to teach or discipline.

Stress

2014-09-11T17:26:00.000-07:00

Stress..the silent killer? Stress a lifeline for connecting us to others and arising to the occasion.

John D. Ellis M.A. AMFT:

Is stress the enemy as we have been taught?

Should we continue to battle stress by reducing it, eliminating it or managing it?

I believe that belief is as powerful as Kelly McGonigal describes in relation to reframing stress and your bodies response to arise to the occasion. I believe the findings concerning oxytocin and reaching out to people maintains health and longevity.

Take sometime to reframe your beliefs concerning stress. My favorite line was at the end when she stated that chasing meaning is healthier than avoiding discomfort. I have found a new maxim, premise, motto and mantra for life in those words.

www.northsaltlakecounseling.com

What to know when choosing a Therapist

2014-09-11T17:12:00.003-07:00

Therapeutic Alliances...

A key component to finding success through the mechanism of therapy is establishing a strong therapeutic alliance or relationship. This article will give insight into how both therapist and patient accomplish the relationship task.

Irvin D. Yalom, internationally renowned psychiatrist and psychotherapist, writes in The Gift of Therapy: An Open Letter to a New Generation of Therapists and Their Patients, that a full disclosure of the mechanism of therapy is required. I have practiced disclosing the mechanism of therapy since my practicum’s and internships at Syracuse University. This assists in establishing a working therapeutic alliance. It also alleviates additional anxiety that the therapeutic process invokes. Below is an illustration of what to expect if you were to engage in therapeutic services. It also exemplifies a therapist disclosing aspects of the mechanism of therapy.

"It is clear that one of the areas we need to address is your relationship with others… Sometimes your descriptions may be unintentionally biased, and I’ve found that I can be more helpful to you by focusing on the one relationship where I have the most accurate information—the relationship between you and me. It is for this reason I shall often ask you to examine what is happening between the two of us." (Yalom 86)

Therapists should invite the examination of both self-disclosure and the therapeutic relationship as it holds intrinsic value in the therapeutic process. The therapeutic relationship is a central component and agent of change. When appropriate, as a Marriage & Family Therapist, I would go a step further and invite you to include a relationship into your therapy.

Why do I share this with the public? It is important to be a good consumer when engaging in therapeutic services. The relationship with your therapist is more important than their expertise in a particular theory, intervention or practice. The patient needs to invite this into therapy by asking for transparency related to the therapist personal mechanism of therapy. Another step is to self-disclose the intricacies of what it is to be you and reside in your respective relationships and environments. The content and process this creates between therapist and patient will collude to the existence or absence of a healthy therapeutic alliance. In adhering to the description above a healthy therapeutic alliance can form and begin to perpetuate desired change. Both therapist and patient play a vital role in the development of therapeutic alliances.

Addiction

2014-09-11T17:03:00.001-07:00

Addiction is often understood as the continued use despite adverse consequences. Chemical dependency at a biological level and neurological level comes into play when evaluating addiction.
Marijuana or THC can be addictive to the brain. For most users marijuana is habit forming but not addictive to specific neuro-receptors in the brain. Nevertheless marijuana use becomes a metaphor, spiritual or way of life and being. It even alters personality over time. When use of a substance or behavior becomes a metaphor and way of thinking, feeling and behaving combined with chemical dependency and continued use despite adverse consequences I would conquer you have a formula for actual addiction. This may be true even with out chemical dependency as part of the equation.
Addiction is often confused with habitual behaviors that have adverse consequences. People form harmful habits that help them escape and numb out. Humanity in general avoids pain and seeks pleasure often. Emotions and our realities can be painful at times and we seek to numb our self's out with excessive T.V., internet use, food, even exercise like gym rats. People can become obsessed with body image and a certain lifestyle. I often ask what a person might be avoiding or coping with that necessitates such drastic behavior. There are many vices or habit forming behaviors that can create impairment in ones life versus healthy coping.
Ask yourself if your habits and potential addictions are impairing your life and causing adverse consequences but you still feel compelled to use or engage. Seek help from family, friends and professionals like myself to better understand your self and relationship to a substance or behavior.
Food for thought, at what level does your body and mind have withdrawal and or tolerance? I quit eating treats for a week while watching a little T.V. every night and my body screamed a chemical dependency to sugar. This is not addiction but concerning to health and a way of life. Processed sugar is not healthy and having craves that create irritable moods and dissatisfaction is a less then desirable feeling. (mild withdrawal symptoms)

Food is a necessity and can be habit forming with adverse consequences. At the point some one could be truly addicted to sugar or food is a difficult thing to distinguish. Americans suffer greatly from obesity. Obese people do not necessarily have addictions to food. Brain research shows that obese peoples brains lack in D2 Dopamine levels as do those of cocaine users. They then need to increase the intake of the substance to achieve the same neurochemical effect for satisfaction and pleasurable moods.
To evaluate addiction is not always important. To understand oneself and relationship to a particular substance or behavior is important.
Call or skype today to understand what it may be for you or a family member. $25 per 15 minute consultation period.
Skype Name: sequoiafamilytherapyservicesllc
(801) 874-5875
northsaltlakecounseling.com

Marriage & The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

2014-09-11T15:29:00.001-07:00

www.northsaltlakecounseling.com

   Dr. John Gottman is famous for being able to spend a session or two with a couple and predict with 91% accuracy whether they will divorce.
     The four horsemen are partial indicators that a marriage is deteriorating, toxic and will eventually lead to minimal relationship satisfaction, separations or divorce. How frequent and intense these behaviors exist in a marriage is greatly concerning to the measure of intimacy, relationship satisfaction, fairness and overall health and well-being of its participates. It can look and feel hopeless at times as couples entrench themselves with the four horsemen.
     The four horsemen are defensiveness, criticism, contempt and stonewalling. Contempt and criticism are the worst of the four in my opinion. Stonewalling can be hurtful and defensiveness unproductive to conflict resolution and other attempts to communicate and repair things.
     In this post I wish to utilize the words of Abraham Lincoln to encourage you to relinquish your entitlement to criticize your spouse. Our entitlement comes from our pain and hurt in relation to them and the difficulties of life.
   "Gentlemen, suppose all property you possessed were in gold, and you had placed it in the hands of a man (spouse) to carry across the Niagara River on a rope. With slow cautious steps he walks to the rope bearing all. Would you shake the cable & keep shouting at him; stand up a little straighter, stoop a little more, go a little faster, lean more to the south, now lean a little more to the north. Would that be your behavior in such an emergency? No, you would hold you breath, every one of you, as well as your tongues. You would keep your hands off until he was safe on the other side."
In times of crisis and great burden it is vital that we not allow our fears, doubts and anxieties to overburden a spouse who is already carrying a great burden. Criticism is a great burden to a spouse and marriage. Criticism in general is not a healthy behavior or communication. We are creatures of communication and can find better ways to express a need, disappointment or provide correction and counsel.
    Have compassion and empathy for your spouse and less criticism as each of you take turns carrying burdens or "all that you posses together" to safety.
As spouses sometimes our role is to simply support and encourage. Criticism is not an effective way to support and encourage. Building another up and validating their efforts to succeed is a much better approach.
     Criticism often leads to contempt for one another especially if there has been feelings of rejection, abandonment, unmet needs and other emotional hurt and injury. Contempt by far is the worst emotion and behavior to feel for a spouse. The longer it exists the less satisfaction the marriage can derive for itself and its participates. The less satisfaction we have for an extended period of time can lead to eventually cutting off that relationship. I have found this to be the case no matter how firm a persons believes are for marriage and monogamy.
   We need to attend to our spouse and marriages versus criticize them.

Literature as a medium for Therapeutic Process

2012-09-19T10:32:00.003-07:00

Literature is a powerful therapeutic medium. This book discusses a cultural process around epilepsy for a particular Hmong child. I recently asked a client who suffers from epilepsy to read it and it has been miraculous to watch the empathy, insight and understanding arise in my client. Other paralells have arisen in the book (for my Caucasian American client) triggering some PTSD symptomology and we have been able to work through the intense emotional pain, and residual chronic anxiety. The most unique aspect of this is how we came to decide to discuss literature she could read to help here with her traumatic past. I mentioned this book as it does deal with dealing with traumatic events and feeling misunderstood by society. I then mentioned it dealing with epilepsy and my client was like I have epilepsy sense college. It was a beautiful moment and than to have it unfold the way it did reminded me of the power of the written word and identifying through other human experience. I thought it would just be a good read for my client as she likes history and medical stuff. It turned out to be a powerful therapeutic medium to join and egage my client with.

Relational Ethics Principles...Dr. Viktor Frankle

2012-09-10T10:40:00.002-07:00

I Thou...Principle

I Thou, articulated by the philosopher/theologian Martin Buber (1958) is about a universal principle of interaction. This principle of interaction is fundamental in creating intelligence, experience and human realities. "The basic idea behind Buber's work is that without another person reflecting to me interpretations about ideas, actions, and physical being, there is no effective way for me to understand what I think, what I do, and how I look." (The New Contextual Theory by Hargrave & Pfitzer 6)

Essentially our essence, existence and development is intertwined. This idea has profound significance when conceptualizing human behavior, experience and purpose. In therapy, this idea plays out in hopes to reenact and utilize the dynamic while accompanying it with unique skills, techniques and knowledge to perpetuate desired change. Research shows that it is primarily the therapeutic alliance or relationship that determines positive outcome and client satisfaction compared to a minimal percentage of that being a particular model or theory being used.

In the end, The I thou process is a knowledge base for humanity. This idea echoes throughout history and in many cultures:

Using the Standford encyclopedia of philosophy: "Confucius (551-479 BCE), according to Chinese tradition, was a thinker, political figure, educator, and founder of the RuSchool of Chinese thought. His teachings, preserved in the Lunyu or Analects, form the foundation of much of subsequent Chinese speculation on the education and comportment of the ideal man, how such an individual should live his life and interact with others, and the forms of society and government in which he should participate." (First published Wed Jul 3, 2002; substantive revision Tue Sep 5, 2006)

This can't occur without being informed by the I thou nature of our existence. It is inherent. I believe the key is to bring it into the conscious awareness. A study and discipline such as philosophy is futile unless done under the back drop of I thou.

It is no wonder that human interactions have been the focus of philosophy, religion, governments and individuals throughout centuries. Why are we drawn to seek understanding concerning our relational behaviors? To what end will the understanding serve us? Is it as Aristotle proposed...happiness? Is it simply being stuck between the dialectic of opposites...pain/pleasure that creates such a need? Is there meaning in all of this or is it simply a random chaotic occurrence...to no end? I believe it is to find meaning and further light and knowledge.

I believe there is an end to seeking understanding while at the same time holding the ambiguity of human interaction. As a therapist, most of what I do is simply interact with people and their reality. Of course I assess and do a whole host of other things, but that is still part of the nature of my interaction with people. Therapy could be defined as a scientific and artful process of interacting with people and their realities through artful listening, questioning, empathy etcetera...

I would like to mention before continuing that the "thou" is many things. It may be a parent, sibling, family unit, school, community, or government. At times, you yourself may be the thou. It is reciprocal and circular in nature. I do believe that God is the constant "thou" in all our lives and must be interacted with as to truly discover oneself. I also believe that much of this process occurs from within oneself. Truth, with a capital "T'' as Socrates suggests is already in us and only echoed back for us to recognize. Plato thought it was more out there to be discovered. I have suggested both.

Also, the simple process of experiencing our relational nature in the context that we reside provides truth. The measure of truth we obtain is subjective and difficult to quantify if at all. Man has continually qualitatively measured it and even fought wars over it. Pain can't be avoided. Neither can one not participate. Suicide still contributes to the I and thou process of others. The ones left behind still revolve in relation to those who have passed before them. Death is not powerful enough to disrupt this universal nature of interaction. As I write and you read, we have engaged with the thou's of ancient times and each other. Physical space and time may alter ones experience our level of engagement, yet the process occurs at some level, to some degree.

Where to begin? Pain is a universal experience we share in common with one another. Buddha, saw the world through a lens of pain and from there developed a way of being, thinking and feeling. A medium for developing in relation to one another and the universe was founded. Pain; whether emotional, spiritual, or physical comes most often from our experience relating with others. We may hurt ourselves, yet it can be traced back to messages received from others that have been internalized. It can be traced back to feeling emotions of guilt and shame due to behavior in relation to others. The feelings of guilt and shame may stem from a thou in our life. Internally, our moral compass, Jimmeny cricket and so forth may be the source of inner-turmoil/conflict causing us to choose between being harsh or kind with ourselves. This may be connected to the thou of culture and society or an actual entity like the Holy spirit in Christianity (third member of the God head.) These thou's may be the source of light, love and happiness as well. It maybe what we do with it that matters. The war rages for all of us, internally. This I Thou process is not without strife.

Psychiatrist Viktor E. Frankle, Man's Search for Meaning, argues that we all suffer and we can choose how to cope with it, find meaning in it and move forward. He shares his story based on his own experience in Nazi concentration camps and that of his patients. He also articulates Logo-therapy, being the measure of humanity to not be pleasure seekers but the pursuit of that which we find to be meaningful. This of course occurs unconsciously and consciously as other human drives. A human drive so different from that articulated by Freud. At first glance it appears to be naively optimistic. To find significance in the very act of living is a primary human drive. As one who has studied and observed for myself, humanity, through various mediums I have come to concur with Viktor Frankle. To a large extent this drive exists and proceeds to be a primary drive for people.

Man, using language, has socially constructed for itself purpose and meaning over and over again. Is it a fallacy to conclude that that behavior is indicative of a drive for finding meaning for oneself? Why have I read and wrote what I have written? Why do you do what you do? Why do some find this meaningless? Why does this relational process thread itself through the tapestry of human history? It could be seen as one seeking to simply avoid pain and find pleasure. It could be that one desires an abstract feeling of happiness. It could be that deep down inside of us, we are progressing towards something...a way of intelligence and life. It could not matter at all. Only finding shelter, food and sex is what matters, right? Survival is our primary drive. What if finding meaning and intelligence in the "I thou" experience is what will allow for survival? A survival of what eternity holds?

For some the idea of eternity is irrelevant. This greatly shapes how one would perceive mans' purpose and meaning. If eternity doesn't exist and death is the end; then shelter, food, sex, pleasure, some intimacy and relational interaction for emotional survival is sufficient. Avoidance of pain may be the only purpose and meaning in one's life that guides behavior. Social interactions which are inevitable will shape ones behavior but finding meaning and purpose wouldn't. It would have no end. A universal truth about man's behavior is that it doesn't occur with no end in mind.

From our basic genetic and biological natures, an end exists. I often feel that the truth of that blinds us to the truth of what ends exist for man and there respective drives. It may be difficult to perceive man as spiritual intelligent matter passing through mortality as a means to further progress itself (Judeo-christianideology) conceptualized in so many ways. The one thing that remains is our obsession with it. This grand delusion as some have called it may stem from the anxiety of death. (see Anxiety of Death)

I believe that may play a role; however, Viktor Frankle in the depths of a Nazi concentration camp echoes truth that a larger force is at play. Man desires to find meaning and purpose even as a means for survival of the cruelest circumstance. The anxiety of death was no stranger and a will for meaning existed with greater force to perpetuate behavior/survival:

"A colleague of mine, who had arrived in Auschwitz several weeks previously, smuggled himself into our hut. He wanted to comfort us and tell us a few things....Don't be afraid! Don't fear the selections. Dr M. (the SS medical chief) has a soft spot for doctors...a prison said that a man of some sixty years entreated Dr. M--to let off his son, who was destined for gas (Dr. M coldly refused)...."But one thing I beg of you," he continued shave daily, if at all possible, even if you have a piece of glass to do it with...even if you have to give your last piece of bread for it. You will look younger....If you want to stay alive, there is only one way: look fit for work."(Man's Search...19)

Dr.Frankle did stayalive and fit for work in the camps. He also became sick and spent time in the huts for the ill that were cared for by themselves. He spoke of music, art and humor existing amongst them at rudimentary levels as to survive. Where the existence of art, music and humor are no matter how rudimentary you can be sure that those who are creating it find purpose and meaning. He doesn't sugarcoat the reality of Auschwitz, yet he does give light to the humanity that existed in spite of such devastating circumstance and cruelty. They kept up moral for each other and found meaning in simply touching the pocket that lined their last morsels of bread for the day. (Man's Search 42-48) They found meaning in huddling up and creating warmth for one another:

"We were grateful for the smallest mercies. We were glad when their was time to delouse before going to bed, although in itself this was no pleasure, as it meant standing naked in an unheated hut where icicles hung from the ceiling. But we where thankful that there was no air raid alarm during this operation and that lights were not switched off....the meager pleasures of camp provided a kind of negative happiness...." (Man's Search...47)

What I observe here is the anxiety of death and a drive to find meaning and purpose in life co-existing and perpetuating life. Human drives all work in accordance for the perpetuation of life. It is a fallacy to place sole emphasis on just one. They occur simultaneously and are not mutually exclusive. In other words you can't comepletely isolate or tease one out over another completely.

"Man's search for meaning is the primary motive in his life and not a "secondary rationalization" of instinctual drives. The meaning is unique and specific in that it must and can be fulfilled by him alone; only than does it achieve significance which will satisfy his own will to meaning.

There are some authors who contend that meanings and values are "nothing but defense mechanisms, reaction formations and sublimations..."

But for myself I would not be willing to live for the sake of my "defense mechanisms" nor would I be willing to die for the sake of my "reaction formation." Man, however, is able to live and even to die for the sake of his ideals and values." (Man's Search...99)

It is a powerful testimony of one who survived the concentration camps of Nazi Germany and found the will for meaning as the force that drove his behavior. Most of his script was written while in the camps. His will for meaning drove him to live through unspeakable atrocity. He admirably, under horrific circumstance, assisted in the survival and embracing of death of his fellowmen. He stands in relation to us and exhibits the very essence of finding meaning even in the darkest places of mortal existence. antisemitism stands as anegative thou which we interact and our I's with. An ideology, as horrific as it is, has shown us our dichotomy as a civilization.

It is all part of a great opposition in all things that provides us with a unique predicament in which to find meaning, knowledge and develope our intelligences.

Wedding Planning by a Family Therapist

2012-09-05T13:25:00.002-07:00

Wedding Planning!!!

Two Life Forces... “Togetherness & Autonomy”

by John D. Ellis MA PMFT Syracuse University 2012

Briefly, I would like to weigh in on a rite of passage--that for many women--is a fairytale moment in life. No, not the wedding but the planning of the "wedding." For men it is also a special moment, yet tends to be experienced and expressed with great variance. I digress, from bridzillas to the meek and humble; women also have great variance with the matter.

Wedding planning is really a joint effort between two joining entities and their respective systems (families), environments and ways of being. Third parties are triangulated (i.e. wedding planner, caterers, bands, venues etc...) The grooms family plays in specific roles that culture dictates and so forth. Certain expectations may exist in certain families and cultures concerning how collaborative the effort is. A tug of war of sorts plays out and power and control transfers back and forth. In the end, the woman, justifiably carries greater power and control (subject to culture). It is an unwritten law. We all seem to agree upon that unconsciously to some extent. I would caution couples and families in how they navigate these waters.

The process holds symbolic meaning and may shed light on future relational interactions. I believe it to be important that couples and their families navigate these waters carefully. It can often become a point of reference or a significant data point in how the systems will relate in times of stress. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, a natural law appears to exist and govern relational interaction. There are many awnsers to why this occurs. I see it over and over again in the couples I counsel. What I speak of is illustrated in an old German Fable. It is a need for togetherness and autonomy/individuality. When wedding planning this should be taken into account.

E. O. Wilson cites a German fable that pertains to this subject: One very cold night a group of porcupines were huddled together for warmth. However, their spines made proximity uncomfortable, so they moved apart again and got cold. After shuffling repeatedly in and out, they eventually found a distance at which they could still be comfortably warm without getting pricked. This distance they henceforth called decency and good manners." (Michael E. Kerr; Murray Bowen. Family Evaluation (p. 52). Kindle Edition.)

Men, it is my counsel, that one should stay close enough (interested, participatory) for meeting the goal of warmth and keeping distance enough as to not unsettle the bride. This also applies to the respective systems or families that interact. A negotiation of distance and togetherness needs to be communicated. I caution that rigidity as the spines of porcupines creates dysfunction and will increase the stress and anxiety of the process...diminishing the meaning and value derived.

For brides and wedding planners this principle is even more crucial. You have people who are counting on you to share your experience with them. The experience of planning such a rite of passage is meaningful to all who participate. They come with rigid and bold expectations, at times. Flexibility is to be sought after. I also believe that it is ok to set boundaries using your power and control in a way that feels safe and comfortable to you and your emotional needs.

Balance the dialectic. A dialectic means both are true. We all need closeness and distance. What helps couples is to view it more like a spectrum. Finding where at on the spectrum those involved can agree upon is the goal. That might be more towards the togetherness/collaborative side. It may be to the side where the bride is completely honored with complete say in how the wedding is planned. What we do know is that marriage is not that way. A couple continually has to negotiate between their autonomy and togetherness. Polarizing only creates disharmony and leaves the other wanting. Both are a threat to one another at times. So, wedding planning is a benchmark in the couples journey to finding where they can be the happiest and most functional on the spectrum. When this is done during such a stressful and meaningful time the couple can bank on their relational strength moving forward. If it falters it can be a source of resentment and evidence for staying rigid in the years to come. An attempt to protect and keep power; as to not be disappointed further.

Wedding planning is an opportunity for a husband to establish a foundation of fondness, admiration and respect for his wife's equality and measure in the relationship. Quoting John Gottman (a famous marital researcher) I leave those who will plan weddings further perspective:

"...Again we can separate the happy from the unstable couples based on whether the husband is willing to accept influence from his wife." (Gottman, John; Nan Silver (2002-02-04). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 113). Crown Archetype. Kindle Edition.)

Grooms have months and sometimes years to accept the brides influence. When planning a wedding and marriage an array of discussion occurs in which a man can accept influence. Accepting influence is an active behavior. It takes active listening and feedback. It takes spending quality time with a spirit of interest. I won't do all your homework for you. One can simply ponder what it means to have one's own influence accepted. So some advice concerning all these discussions you will inevitably have.

"When a discussion leads off this way—with criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt—it has begun with a “harsh startup:”

"Although Dara talks to Oliver in a very soft, quiet voice, there’s a load of negative power in her words. After hearing the first minute or so of their conversation, it’s no surprise to me that by the end Dara and Oliver haven’t resolved their differences at all. "

The research shows that if your discussion begins with a harsh startup, it will inevitably end on a negative note, even if there are a lot of attempts to “make nice” in between. Statistics tell the story: 96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen-minute interaction! A harsh startup simply dooms you to failure. So if you begin a discussion that way, you might as well pull the plug, take a breather, and start over." (Gottman p. 27).

"Research shows that a husband who can accept influence from his wife also tends to be an outstanding father. He is familiar with his children’s world and knows all about their friends and their fears. Because he is not afraid of emotions, he teaches his children to respect their own feelings—and themselves....he makes a detailed map of his wife’s world. He keeps in touch with his admiration and fondness for her, and he communicates it by turning toward her in his daily actions." (Gottman pp. 109-110).

Wedding planning is a great opportunity for this. If an actual wedding planner, I would hope to assist in this occurring between the couple. It may not be a role you would think is yours or the couple would want you to have, yet in reality you share power with the couple in how they will experience their wedding. The bride will look to you for operationalizing what the couple and families have negotiated out on the spectrum. You have a role in the bride and grooms negotiation and execution of it.

I hope to have left you with greater insight into the process that occurs around wedding planning and its residual effects on the relationship interactions (past, present & future). Enjoy the rite of passage; making it an opportunity for meaning and growth. Avoid to much rigidity. Apply the fable of the porcupines; heaven knows a bride and two families planning a wedding can result in being quilled a few times. Men don't be avoident. Your avoidence takes power in how the closeness and distance are negotiated; leaving your bride to be, negatively influenced by the polarizing realtaional interactions that will inevitably ensue if avoident.

Healing from Loss & Trauma...Witnessing

2012-09-04T16:19:00.003-07:00

Healing from Loss & Trauma

A presentation given at the Traumatic Brian Injury Community Support Group, September 11, 2012

What do you see & what emotions does this painting invoke in you?

I see the traumatic event of death and loss of a child. I see vulnerability, pain and suffering.
The emotion that it invokes in me is saddness and a desire to witness, in empathy, for us who suffer from trauma and great loss.
I also see the potential for destructive entitlements; I have suffered and therefore others must suffer as well...
Today, I want to present on healing from loss and tauma through "witnessing;" as well as, create greater awarness & understanding around trauma & loss in relationships.
This will not only help us heal but break the silence that often prevails around trauma and loss.
Our ability to take our traumatic experiences and loss and turn it into constructive entitlements; I have suffered and loss but I can move past this and continue to contribute to society (e.g. MADD: Mothers Agianst Drunk Driving)

What traumatic events have you experienced and those of your family members, relatives and friends?

Have some suffered consequences and different severities than others who have suffered a similar tauma?

No two people respond the same to a similar traumatic event. The consequences and severity are variable. (e.g. one soldier will not experience PTSD where as another will suffer severe symptoms; another may experience moderate symptoms directly after the traumatic events to never agian suffer.

Some traumas occur multiple times and over a specific time period as does the symptomology. (e.g. TBI's effect the lifestyle of individuals for the length of thier life and comes with various consequences and severities. They experience much loss in ability, lifestyle choices and relationships.) Acute trauma may be a car crash that happened once; with little to no long term consecuences. We experience the immediate loss of control, safety and fears relating to such an event and than it fades.

Emotional dysregulation leaves us in a constant fluctuation of moods and irritability. The strong emotions of fear, shame, anger, saddness begin to overwhelm an individual leaving them with a diminsihed ability to cope and reason with thier enviornments and relationships. A sense of safety is so greatly diminished the trust seems impossible to extend to the world and those one interacts with. The ability to percieve danger and safety become clouded by the hurt and pain. One can feel hopeless, helpless and lost in relationships when unable to determine there trustworthyness and safety. We all need safety, control and some stability in our emotional lives. An overwhelming sense of vulnerability kicks in and puts us on the continual defensiveness. Our evolutionary biology through our nueral chemistry constantly tells our mind and heart we aren't safe. Anxiety, depression and a constant need to fight or flee becomes the norm when chronic trauma impacts an individual.

We are relational creatures and experience a measure of interdependence and connectedness with others. Our traumas often effect those who seek to support us in our burden. Traumitization will be explained more fully later on as there are different types of witnessing. With trauma being present with someone is often all you can do. As caregivers;especially of children we seek to fix, solve and remove thier pain. We become over involved, under-involved and helpless in our many attempts to fix, alleviate and restore that which was lost to them and us. With TBI memory loss often occurs and result in great adaptations to daily functioning and relationships. As your partner recalls a cherished memory and for you it is gone. In the loss you experience they share in the loss of connection around important issues to them or the need to adapt to a partners memory loss. It can become tiresome, burdensome and exhausting to accomadate the losses and new ways of living, coping and loving.

Partners of those with TBI's or who have chronic traumas and loss; witness possible death, injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of thier partner. In the after math the continue to witness the threat to the integrity of the individual...I would add spiritually, emotionally and mentally. This witnessing has shown to result in equal if not more suffering than the actual partner who suffered the trauma. Research shows that partners and those who witness atrocities can suffer great severeity and mumerous consequences resulting in debilitating anxiety, depression and other mental illness. As Ubuntu articulates our interconnectedness...trauma is a relational issue as much as it is an individual.

Today, I hope we can begin to witness not only for ourselves, but for our partners, the loss and trauma they experience on account of our relational interconnectedness. Through witnessing for ourselves and others we find our self in community and break the silence that often retraumatizes us. This is especially crucial when addressing domestic violence, sexual assault and child abuse. There is great shame that stigmatizes victims and keeps them in the framework of victimization.

I asked members of the TBI group to sign an empathy card stating that they suffer from TBI, sign it, as to put a name with a trauma; to break the silence. This is a way of witnessing...acknowledging that trauma exists and effects more than ourselves. They also brought particular items to make gift bags for a local women shelter that becomes a safe haven in time of crisis, trauma 7 loss. many suffer from TBI's due to domestic violence and abuse. When witnessing it is important to exude empathy. Take a moment and on September 11th or any day remeber those who have lost and suffered traumatic events. Spend a moment in the emotion of remembering & witnessing for others. I believe this is healing and important to our communities. Find self in community: as they are because I am and I am because they are.

We must resist the urge to withdraw and isolate on account of our traumas. It is not natural. Reaching out and healing in relationships is just as natural as resisting and withdrawal. It must become a matter of choice.

What will you do with your trauma and loss? It is yours; whether asked for or not. I encourage you to find other ways to be a determined witness to those who suffer.

I am open for further discussion concerning anxiety, depression, loss, trauma, coping, relationship difficulties. It is not always necessary to explain what it is like to be a victim as a person lives that reality everyday. It is much more useful to connect with empathy, understanding and support to move forward. As much difference as trauma presents with...we stand on common ground in mortality. Life can be both traumatic and joyful all at the same time. I apologize if this medium (blogging) doesn't convey my empathy. I understand it took a tone of boldness. At times moving forward and not accepting the problem as the problem is a good strategy. It is easy enough to get stuck in our own miseries than to reach out and connect. It is a way of healing and I hope I have conveyed that. I will blog my percieved response to the actual presentation of the material after September 11, 2012.

A Humorous take on the "Decay of Man"

2010-10-03T14:36:00.001-07:00

I am worried about my receding hair lines. My widows peak seems to be a more dramatic mcdonald's sign everyday. The crown of my head is still covered but a thinness prevails. My stress has been significantly reduced sense I am not building residential housing anymore. Not really though because my master's program has more than likely replaced that, plus the reality that I no longer make money. The school debt is daunting. I am twenty-six with thick black hair and evidence that man eventually begins to decay. Hence my new fetish with newsie/golf hats. Rogain has failed me or my lack of consistency. My wife gives me head messages with some essential oils, but I am doomed to accept my plight. Woe is me. Ladies go easy on your man. My wife has a photo collection, tracking my baldness, for the past four years and it weakens my over inflated ego everytime. I am grateful my wife loves me and is stuck with my decaying scalp. On a bright note we will decay happily together falling in love over and over agian.

Sept. 3, 2012 Addendum:

I seemed to have plateaued and am grateful. At times, my hands are covered in hair after shampooing but to no avial. We are at a stalemate.