John and Carol Show

2020 TAKEAWAYS

2020-12-30T18:41:00.000-06:00

"What a year," said everyone everywhere. I won't belabor the ick this year has held. Everyone knows it. As I was thinking back, I realized I do have some key takeaways that I thought I'd share here to have forever in memorandum. These are in no particular order of importance.

1. Get the X-Ray, Get the Colonoscopy. - As a family, we broke 4 bones this year, and by the last one, even though everything was moving, I just knew we needed an X-ray. Before this year, I always would have been the one to wait and see, watch and hope. Sometimes that works, but this year, that never works. I've learned how to deal with the actual issues at hand (like how the hand is probably broken). I won't go into all the ways this philosophy also applies to colonoscopies, but you're gonna have to trust me. It does.

2. Mute the Person. My social media feeds happen to be very diverse politically, and usually, this serves me well. However, this year, it felt like a minefield. After yet another round of doom scrolling and subsequent anger, John was like, "Why are you still reading any of it?" Right then, I took an aggressive muting strategy, and I have felt much better about life. This does not mean that I am ignoring the other "side" of issues, but it means that I am no longer angry about what real life people I know think about them. I am better off not knowing so that I can keep valuable relationships in tact, as well as my sanity. That choice is mine, and it paid immediate dividends. And since we're talking about this, Don't Read the Comments. They are always the worst and never make you feel good about anything,

3. Most Things We Do With People Revolve Around Food. This is more of an observation than a major takeaway. I guess I took this for granted, because we've never before been in a situation where we needed to mask to be with people. However, most of the things we all do together usually involve a menu. I am very much looking forward to a post vaccine world where we no longer have to move eating outside and/or 6 feet apart.

4. Do What Your Family Needs to Do. Some people realized this year that they needed to slow down. We realized that we need almost every bit of the activity to which we were accustomed, because we have a lot of needs, some of them more specialized than average families. We need help, and because we are not super high risk for Covid complications, after the first six weeks, we realized that we needed to get back to having sitters and tutors and in person schooling as soon as possible. Our mental health was very much at stake, and I do not say that lightly. I felt super conflicted about the decisions that we were making that many people may not have understood. My counselor kindly pointed out to me that this is part of growing up. You gotta make the decisions for your own family, because you are the only ones who fully understand your life and have to live with your choices. And this year with limited options, we all had to make choices, and they didn't necessarily line up with some of what even our nearest and dearest might be doing. However, that doesn't mean that they weren't the best choices for our family in our circumstances.

4a. And since we're on this subject, this year I also fully embraced You Don't Have to Tell the Internet About Everything You Do. Again, we are all mostly doing the best we can with what we're working with. If I don't want to worry about what "people" will think about what we are doing, I don't have to share anything about it. What freedom to just go radio silent online for weeks at a time. Normally I like living as an open book, but since everything seems up for misinterpretation this year, skipping the sharing often felt right.

5. We Also Have to Take Care of Others. As a Christian, this year felt particularly crushing. It has been divisive and frustrating to say the very least. It has been difficult to listen to some Americans elevate their rights over all other things. I am tired of people urging others not to "live in fear" when there is a very real pandemic that is killing our vulnerable neighbors and straining our healthcare system. Taking Covid precautions feels much less about living in fear and much more about being loving neighbors. Although we have certainly not lived this out perfectly, we are working to wear masks, limit gatherings and distance wherever possible.

6. Trips Matter. Gosh, this year has been such a disappointing one on the travel front. We were *this* close to a Disney cruise, and we had several other things cancelled, like so many we know. This is a problem of privilege, I am fully aware. Travel has always been one of our favorite hobbies and escapes, and when it seemed to dry up completely, I was sad sad sad. The whole year had to be reimagined as far as what "fun" would look like and what our family "needed." So we took different trips with different purposes, mostly closer to home. To be honest, we actually ended up having some great experiences that were totally unexpected and un-orchestrated and what we needed this year within the constraints of our current reality. All in all, I'm so thankful for the trips we were able to make, even if they are not the ones we had planned.

7. Take Care of Yourself. I actually feel like I am currently living in low battery mode. I'm a little dim, and everything seems to take extra energy. However, though it has taken me almost a full 40 years, I have finally learned the true value of getting the sleep I need. Exercising regularly has never been a problem for me, but this year, it became a lifeline just to get out of the house. And sleeping 8 hours almost every night has been borderline nonnegotiable. Also, Give Yourself a Break. Recognizing that I am in low battery mode from the whole "surviving a pandemic as a parent" thing, I've had to let a lot of things slide. Is my house extra organized from all our time at home? Umm, no, quite the opposite. Have I learned a new skill? Or even done the skills that I like doing and am good at? (RIP 2020 Cookie Life) Have I done much beyond our basic survival? No, I have not. And that's okay. My children and husband know they are loved, and we have eaten every day. Right now, those feel like massive wins, and I'm gonna celebrate, probably with more take out. There will be other seasons for skills.

8. Let Them Watch TV. I guess this could actually have been under the banner of Take Care of Yourself, but I'm gonna break it out. We went to a new parenting therapist smack dab in the middle of May when no one knew up from down. When we, through masks and tears, explained some of the issues we were dealing with, she said, "Let them watch TV." We have always limited screen time, and I think I was fairly prideful about that. But this year, with nothing normal and all bets off and NOTHING to do and NO ONE to do it with, we were crumbling. And we were fighting a losing battle that started at 5:15ish most mornings. This incredibly kind person took that pressure off of us for this year and said that a little (okay, a lot) more TV will not hurt them. Our relationship is more likely to be damaged by the fights, and we adults need to sleep past 5:15. This is not a forever season. It was the permission we needed to take care of ourselves and know that our kiddos will not suffer permanently. At least, if we have to choose suffering, and apparently we do this year, we should suffer more screen time and less screaming time. Once we got back to school, some of this naturally righted itself, though we are still more permissive with screen time than we were pre-Covid. Again, there will be a season for less screen time, and this is not it.

9. Recognize Reality for What It Is. This may seem so basic, but I tend to paint everything with a rosy tint. I am glass half full and pie in the sky and rainbows and all that. I have been disoriented all year trying to make sense of reality and wondering where the rainbows are. The truth is, the rainbows are there, but they are harder to come by for now. We've had a hell of a lot of rain. Letting myself grieve the reality of circumstances without totally succumbing to despair has felt tricky at best and impossible at worst. We have SO MANY GOOD GIFTS in our life. We have the best friends and supportive family, and we are well resourced, which I do not take for granted in a year like this when so many have struggled professionally. We also have some true sadness and pain that accompanies our daily life. Both realities are true. This year, I've done a gratitude journal every day, which has helped me reach towards positivity when I've wanted to crumble. I'm also about to complete a full Bible read-through that I've done with The Bible Recap this year. Who knew when I started both of these disciplines in January how necessary they would be to combat our current reality?

10. Laughter Really is the Best Medicine. Plus Getting Outside. And also Chicken. This year I found and shared close to 300 memes related to 2020. I found that laughing and sharing laughter with others really did help. Another quick fix- going outdoors. If you really are having as much screen time as we were some days, this made a big difference for all of us. Chicken must also be good medicine, because we never slowed down at CFA, for which I am extremely grateful. Running a restaurant (or 2!) in a pandemic is not for the faint of heart, and we are crawling to the finish line. However, I am thankful for the income and the opportunity to take CFA to people in our life who come down with Covid. At this point, I've dropped off a lot of dinners. 😳

These are just a few of my major takeaways - here's to a better 2021!

HALLOWEEN 2020

2020-11-02T21:18:00.001-06:00

Though most things look different this year, my love of themed costumes remains constant. I had actually relinquished a family costume concept, but through a turn of events, we ended up heading to Wichita to be with my family. One of the things they used to rope me in (though it didn't take much) was that all the cousins would be dressed in Star Wars theme. Because that universe is so large, there were plenty of options for us to join in that fun! Plus, John and I could borrow costumes, which helped a lot.

The 13 cousins in matching costumes was really epic, even if baby BB8 wanted to roll out of the pic, and baby Yoda had to be held aloft by his hiding mother.

Lily glowed as golden C3PO.

Bella rocked as R2D2.

William loved being a "bad guy" Storm Trooper, though he certainly looks charming here.

On Halloween night, Violet was an adorable Ewok. However, her's was the one costume that we had fully nailed down before this new plan, so she went as Hamilton's Angelica Schyuler to school on Friday. Work!

William went as Charmander to school that day, so they fully enjoyed double costuming this year.

Our trip to Wichita was fast and furious. We drove up on Saturday and got changed to head to my brother's house for dinner and candy hunting. Having all the cousins together is always a special brand of chaos. It's also special and precious and worth it, so I was glad we made the trip, even if it was short.

Even looking back through these pictures totally fills my heart, because being with family can truly be such a joy. After the candy hunt, which resembled a half baked Easter Egg hunt where we adults threw candy willy nilly throughout the yard, there was crazy cousin candy trading.

We spent the rest of the evening laughing and talking while the kiddos ate candy to their heart's content and watched a movie as they hit sugar comas.

I missed our normal Halloween with all our friends and spooky punch and Trick-or-Treating in our neighborhood, but I wouldn't have traded this particular Halloween for anything.

And mad props to this guy, my amazing husband who is up for matching family costumes because he knows how much I love it, even if it isn't his schtick.

"Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."

Because our nuclear family brings certain complications, we actually drove up in two cars. This felt like overkill, but ultimately, it made the whole thing possible. Here's to learning how to work with what we've got and making the best of where we are. That's definitely a motto for our family, but it also applies to life in 2020.

DODGER WORLD SERIES WIN

2020-10-28T21:07:00.002-05:00

October, for the Spensts, has held some pretty wonderful surprises that we had thought were off the table. For many months this year, it looked as if baseball would be canceled. But, MLB got it together and played a 60 game season, culminating in a longer than usual playoff season this October, mostly in a bubble. The Dodgers had looked promising going into the year, but when everything shut down, it looked like it might not come to fruition. Lo and behold, it all did. And they were crowned the World Series champions after a 32 year drought. And we were swept up in the joyous (albeit tense at times) experience!

As a bit of back story, John lived his elementary school years in Central California cheering for the Dodgers during their World Series days in the late 80s. Eight years ago, he realized that he needed a hobby that didn't take him away from home but provided a helpful distraction. Enter baseball. Specifically Dodger baseball. Did you know there are 162 games in the regular season? We have the MLB subscription (because of course we do) so that we can see every one. Which really just translates to having baseball on in the background through most of the spring and summer.

And it is a lovely, simple distraction and has been a lot of fun for John. I realized quickly that I could go all in and enjoy it or resent often having baseball on. You can probably guess where I landed, as I know all of their names and positions and much of the history now. In 2017, we got to go to Game 4 of the Dodgers/Astros series that the Dodgers eventually lost in what we now know was a cheating scandal. It really didn't occur to us that we might get to see another Dodger World Series game in person any other time.

When they made the announcement that the last rounds of the playoffs would be in Arlington, John preemptively booked a hotel room so that he could go down and possibly loiter in the parking lot if the Dodgers made it. Then, they announced that fans would be allowed, with tickets sold in pods of 4, at 25% capacity, going on sale at 10 a.m. on Oct. 6th. In basically what amounted to a ticket lottery, we secured World Series tickets at face value well before we even knew who would be playing. We cheered the Dodgers through the playoff season, with all of our kiddos getting in on the action as well.

Our tickets were for Game 5, and since the Dodgers had lost twice, it was guaranteed, but would not be an ultimate win night. Still, we drove down to Dallas for a quick trip on Sunday and made our way to Globe Life Field. It totally felt like a Dodger home game, with almost everyone decked out in Dodger gear. I missed the electricity of a full crowd, but having a row to ourselves and no one directly near us had many advantages. The whole experience felt surreal and like an unexpected gift this year.

(borrowed sign, but still true)

We had a fantastic time, and the Dodgers won the game we were at, which felt amazing. Even though it was a super quick trip, it was nice to be away and do something fun with friends! We came home and Game 6 was last night. And after 32 years, the Dodgers were World Champions once again. We screamed so loud that we woke up our kids who all wandered out blearily.

In a year with so much sadness and loss, this whole thing felt like its own little miracle. Obviously, it is just baseball, and there are far more important things in life. But, we were so thankful to experience this ride with a team that we really like. And now, we need to catch up on sleep, because playoff season includes a lot of late nights. 🤪

BLACK LIVES STILL MATTER

2020-10-26T20:40:00.001-05:00

I haven't blogged much this year, because I've mostly been surviving. It's been a disappointing year on so many fronts, but nearing the top of the list for me has to be watching evangelical Christians become politically zealous in ways that seem not to honor the Lord. This was distressing to me in the run up to the 2016 election as well, and it has continued in fervor and depth. Social media in particular has felt like a dumpster fire of opinions, and I've watched in sadness as I've seen believers place a political leaning over grace, kindness, love, truth, empathy, compassion, and the list goes on. Not only that, but many believers have done this using the Bible as a justification and a weapon.

I grew up as a conservative Evangelical Christian. I understand the talking points and culture. I used to believe that all Christians should have the same political beliefs, because of conservative values and pro-life and small government and so on. The older I've gotten and the more of life that I've seen, the more I see that there are other perspectives that can ring true even inside of my faith. My faith has continued to deepen, because my need for Christ remains constant. I am more convinced than ever of my own depravity and shortcomings and blind spots and the ways that all of those play out as I seek to apply faith to politics.

A large part of this journey has come through our personal interactions with social justice issues, particularly racial justice. (Here's a blog post I wrote about this in June) As I've mentioned, this whole season has been difficult, and watching Americans disagree vociferously on the history of our country and the bearing that history has on our present has felt like we are living in some kind of twilight zone. We, as Americans, oppressed and enslaved people for centuries, almost exclusively on the basis of race. The idea of that leaving no legacy in the present is truly baffling. Our current laws were passed within the lifetime of many people who are still very much alive.

Even more disappointingly is the more recent learnings that I've had regarding the Church and the ways it has upheld these systems of oppression over time. I read The Color of Compromise this summer which was an eye opening look at the way southern Christians used the Bible to justify slavery and kept using it to bolster segregation. It feels that we are now witnessing the next phase where Christians are using it to denounce racial justice initiatives as anti-Biblical or Marxist. Or to simply say that it is unAmerican and disrespectful for people to be upset in a country where they have so much. There seems to be no protest that can please white Americans, and that is sort of the point. It is a protest.

Listen, I love America and am so thankful to live here. Truly. However, I'm not going to put our country or flag above my allegiance to Christ and his kingdom. I am called to love God and love my neighbors first and foremost. And my Black neighbors are crying out and lamenting injustice. I love America enough to want to make it actually a place that is good for all people that live here. I believe that means fully recognizing and embracing our incredibly racist roots and working to upend the places where those seeds still grow and flourish. As a side note, I am not a Socialist/Marxist/Communist. We own a family business and appreciate Capitalism. However, none of the good things we have here are without flaws.

I understand that many Christians are afraid. Because they keep saying they are scared or they keep encouraging others to be afraid if such and such doesn't happen or so and so doesn't get elected. So much has happened in the past year, and so much of it is confusing. There is hypocrisy on all sides, and it is difficult to know where to find "unbiased" reporting in our country, because most major news outlets have very specific slants. Even when they claim otherwise. Anytime I find myself dwelling on fear, I try to center myself on Christ and the fact that this world is ultimately not my home. I am found in him, and even if all else falls apart completely, I am not lost.

Our family does happen to be transracial, and so it is personal to us. When we say Black Lives Matter, we are saying that our black kids matter just as much as our white kids, even though that has consistently been up for debate in society. I will say it today and tomorrow and years from now if necessary to work to right the wrongs that have taken place here. We can embrace a movement while also knowing it is flawed, because we are all broken people working within broken systems. It is easier to debate theories than to engage in the work of dismantling systems or do the work it takes to recognize how racism has undergirded our society.

I'm not saying this is easy or straightforward. It is exhausting. But I believe it is holy work, and I am thankful that the Lord continues to show up as we walk this journey. It has forced me to really examine policies and issues in different ways. For example, I have always and will continue to identify as Pro-Life. I believe that advocating for increased racial awareness for me comes out of that sentiment. I heard someone say "Womb to Tomb" and thought that a helpful way to sum it up. That said, I believe that reducing abortions can come about with several different kinds of policies and that there should be more conversations about birth control access and healthcare reform, both of which have been proven to decrease unwanted pregnancies and abortion. I wish that we could have discussions that take a more holistic look at what is happening rather than demonizing anyone who doesn't agree exactly with us or do exactly as we would prescribe.

I write all of this humbly, knowing that I have blindspots that I haven't even discovered yet. I am in process and working to submit myself before the Lord as I wrestle through these issues. I know this post will hit people in a lot of different ways, and I ask for grace on all sides, because I know that so many of us are working to find our way through this. We all come to situations with a unique blend of conviction, personality, and personal experience, and this is where I am currently landing based on those things in my life. I do hope as Christians that we can find ways to respect one another and disagree graciously, because the world is watching. And if we don't have love, then we don't have anything.

PUMPKIN PATCH 2020

2020-10-05T19:51:00.000-05:00

We made it to the Pumpkin Patch this year, which feels like a small miracle. In a year when no tradition or joy remains untouched, we eeked out this fall pleasure. It was the most beautiful of fall days, and we arrived to a crowded parking lot. Having read ahead that masks were required, I was very curious as to how it would all be handled, but it being entirely outdoors put me more at ease. Mostly, it felt like people were complying and working to make this work for everyone. The pumpkin patch had hired a lot more people to make things run smoothly, which definitely helped. And the patch was full of pumpkins ready for picking.

We let the kids play on the playground and visit the animals and generally run around having fun, which always feels like a parental win. Let's wear them out with delight and funnel cake.

There was a train ride and a pony ride and a sunflower field, and with so many other things being a no-go this fall, we said more YES than we normally would have.

And it was good. With our family, there are few outings that go unscathed by some kind of outburst or incident. But it was as if the weather and the fall festivities wove some magic over the children who got along and worked together and enjoyed what was on offer. We never take for granted these times and are so thankful when we get to enjoy something wholeheartedly.

It was a good day, and it was a good reminder that not all is lost. We are climbing out of a hole from what all this year has cost us, and still at times, it feels as if the hole is filling back up with sand as we try to escape. But, days like yesterday show me that we *might* be making progress. The ship is beginning to right itself. There is a ramp out of the pit, even if it is still a long way to get out of it.

So that's us. Enjoying pumpkin patches and clawing our way out of a pit. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The Pumpkin Patch is deeply ingrained in our family - here are past visits!

{2019} {2018} {2017} {2016} {2015} {2014} {2013} {2012} {2011}

FAMILY CAMP 2020

2020-08-27T20:12:00.000-05:00

Obviously, this year has been upended, and nothing has looked the way we thought it would. When we were canceling things off our summer calendar, it felt super depressing. We were in a dark place in May as a family, and we knew we needed something to look forward to. We realized that Kanakuk was still opening their doors, and we made the decision to head up to Branson in June.

We went last year to K-Kauai and had a great time but hadn't planned to be back until 2021. But once we saw that it was open and saw the precautions they were taking, it seemed like a risk we needed to take. And I am so glad that we did. Everything right now is a risk/reward proposition, and for us, the reward outweighed the risks.

The week's theme was Mahalo, which felt super appropriate. It turned out to be a wonderful week where Covid obviously played a role but was not on center stage. There were fewer families than normal, and they adjusted the schedule, spaced everything out and moved even more things outside. Our kiddos had the time of their lives - especially after having been mostly cooped up for the months before.

There were treats by the pool everyday, excellent counselors pouring into our kids every morning and even a couple of date nights, which had been such a rarity in our world at that point. Basically, we had a lot of freedom to enjoy being together in a new environment.

There were still themed party nights, though I didn't have the time or energy to go as all out on costuming this year.

All in all, it was a great week, though we did go ahead and upgrade for next year to the larger/more room option, because we do not thrive all in one room together. I'm so thankful for camp being open and the ways they ministered to our family during a difficult season.

BACK TO THE WEIRDEST SCHOOL YEAR EVER

2020-08-25T19:56:00.001-05:00

All we parents seem to have talked of for the past month+ is school. Will you go in person? Will you go virtually? Will you homeschool? So many options, and yet, finding normalcy in the middle of them is not exactly on the table yet. When school ended abruptly last year, some of us managed better than others. We learned that virtual learning is not the best plan for the twins, and knowing that there is still so much uncertainty with this coming school year, we made the difficult choice to switch schools.

So, we went from having all four kiddos in one beloved school, to having four kiddos in 3 schools, two of them totally new to us. I've adjusted to the idea all summer, but now we are learning the ins and outs of executing that plan. None of that even takes into account the Covid measures that our schools are taking which also change everything. (As a side note - this is a MASSIVE SHOUT OUT AND THANK YOU to all teachers, staff and administrators. Y'all are the real MVPs, and I so appreciate everything you are doing to make this work!!!!)

Yesterday, everyone was at school for the first time since March 12th. And though the drop off situation took almost 2 hours total including forgotten medicine and extra long car lines, it felt really good to drop them all off.

The twins actually started last week, and they are going in person, 5 days a week. The school we have switched to actually never had to close during the pandemic, because the population they serve does not thrive doing school online. We needed a pandemic proof school, so this is a match made in heaven. I have been so pleased at the care and intentionality they have already shown, and so far, though the twins miss their old school, they seem to be doing very well in the new environment.

First Grade

Lily and Bella are doing the blended option for school for the time being. They'll go in person 2 days a week and virtually 3 days. Bella is the only one going back into familiar surroundings for 4th grade, and she was SO READY to be back in a classroom setting! We had a virtual meet and greet with her teacher, who also taught Lily, and so far, it seems to be going well. We'll see how virtual looks tomorrow.

Lily, bless her heart, has started middle school in the midst of everything. This has included an outdoor meet and greet for 6th grade girls, but it did not include a tour where we got to walk her schedule. I basically dropped her off with her classes/teachers/rooms/times printed out and hoped for the best. She really does seem to be rocking it so far, even though this is a massive change.

We've been trying to celebrate and also pace ourselves. The beginning of school, especially after a 5 month break, is exhausting. I realized that I am still traumatized by all this year has contained, and this shift is welcome, though also filled with unknowns. It's so good to be getting some routine back. It is so nice to have even two days a week in my house where I can think my own thoughts. I will absolutely take it and be grateful for it and hope that it can last.

Wherever this school year finds you, I hope that you are making the most of it! We certainly are doing our best.

WALKING THE MINEFIELD OF 2020

2020-07-28T22:49:00.003-05:00

I'm exhausted. You are probably exhausted, too, whoever you are that might be reading this. This year is on my last nerve, and we just passed the half way mark. I am not prone to anxiety, and I've felt it creeping in as I contemplate the next ~~six~~ five months (I started writing this at the beginning of the month and am only now finishing it) that include a continuing pandemic and a contentious election. I spent a little time scrolling Facebook and realized that so many people are screaming, scathing or sarcastic.

I feel it too. I want to yell and scream about the things that matter to me. I want to be understood. I want people to consider that maybe, just maybe, they may be wrong. This includes myself. I want to walk this life with humility, understanding that there are a billion things I need to learn about, and I want to be able to change my position as I receive new information.

It feels impossible to get this year right, because so much is still unknown. And I'm angry about it. I've been really open about the fact that quarantining just about did our family in. That said, I understand the continued need to physical distance and use masks. We are still neck deep in this virus that is probably not going to kill you or me, but the sheer volume of people getting sick and the lack of effective treatments mean that we need to continue to slow it down.

That said, we are working to normalize as much as possible for our children and taking calculated risks. Our big girls went to camp, and we all went to family camp earlier this summer. We went to the beach. We've been taking precautions and using masks and distancing, but I know we are still taking risks. We can and will distance from anyone in our circle that is more vulnerable. We want to stop the spread. But we also must advance our mental health that has suffered greatly this year.

We'll be sending our kiddos to school in the fall, doing a mix of in-person and virtual with the big girls, whatever that looks like, and in-person for the twins who fall into the category of necessitating in-person instruction. I am praying fervently for our teachers and school administrators who are tasked with something impossible. None of us have ever done this, and it is certainly not one size fits all. And I'm prepared for them to come home again if that is what ends up happening as seems highly possible.

I guess as I rant and rave through the minefield that is this year, I hope and pray that we can offer grace to one another and to ourselves. How can we love each other well during a time that is hard on everyone? To my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, I would humbly ask how we can put other's needs ahead of our own? If I feel like I "need" to go to the beach, then I also need to wear a mask to protect others from any possible exposure I might encounter. If I am taking risks, then I want to protect those around me. I would likely be fine getting Covid, but so many around me might not be.

None of us is getting this perfect. It is so easy to scroll through social media and pick apart what people are doing, especially when you don't know even a quarter of the story. Or if you do know part of the story and disagree with it, as is often the case, it's easy to deride someone in your own mind. But I can't change what that person is doing. I am responsible for me, and my family and our attitudes. Criticism is easy. Leading and making choices and living is much harder.

I want to make choices that take me from being the critic to the questioner. From the screamer to the soother. For me, that's only possible in God's grace, and even then, it's an uphill battle. Especially to my fellow believers in Christ, let's look for ways to lead with love, instead of fear-mongering and twisting of "truth" on all sides. Let's not allow the relational fall-out from Covid be worse than the lives lost. Cheers to loving better and listening more. And just being quiet when we can't be kind.

QC: TWINS' UNDER THE SEA DRIVE-BY BIRTHDAY

2020-07-28T14:29:00.001-05:00

I know it's ~~June~~ July, but I never posted about the twins' birthday party back in April. Better late than never. And though this is obviously not the birthday I had had in mind for them, it turned out to be a lot of fun. Drive by parties really let you maximize balloons, so that was a bonus. And, the twins loved it and felt celebrated. Plus there was less overall cleanup. All in all, drive by parties have some things I might keep in the end, because it was a quick, fun way to make the twins feel special and get to see friends.

As usual, my sister designed the cutest invite for the event, highlighting sharks and mermaids.

The girls and I blew up a BUNCH of balloons.

We had cake with family a couple of days before the party.

And our birthday twins thoroughly enjoyed the day. We had The Little Mermaid soundtrack going, a bubble machine and snacks to pass out as friends came by.

Of course, our snacks were themed - Goldfish and Swedish Fish. I also got a cake for us to have after dinner that night, because you can just never have enough cake.

When it's all said and done, I think the twins will have fond memories of this birthday, and for that, I am thankful.

Twins' Past Parties
{Twins' Donut Party}
{Twins Ice Cream Party}
{Twins' Fiesta Fourth}
{Hungry Caterpillar Party}
{Berenstain Bear Party}
{VW Party}

All other Spenst parties here!

QC: WHAT IT'S BEEN LIKE

2020-06-26T17:33:00.000-05:00

I haven't blogged much, because surviving was the norm for a while. I haven't felt like pretending things were okay. I'm starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel, or at least, I feel like we are turning on lamps and figuring out how to make this new normal work for our family.

The quarantine time has been hard for our family. (I wrote this post on grief 1.5 weeks in which is almost laughable now, because I thought it was just going to be a matter of some hard weeks. hahahaha) I heard one person say that we are all in the same storm, but we are all in different boats, and that metaphor resonated with me. Truthfully, we have a rather nice boat, and I'm so thankful. And we haven't sunk yet, so there is that. But, our crew poses some unique challenges, and at times, it has felt like we've had a mutiny on our hands.

I would guess many of us have gained clarity during this time on a great many things in our lives. I've heard some people welcome the slow down and extra time granted as a family. What we've realized is that we have worked hard over the past several years to structure our lives in a way that serves our family, and in most ways, that was working well for us. We had the right amount of activity and most of the support we needed. Until we didn't.

They say it takes a village to raise kids. We need a metroplex.

When everything stopped suddenly, we were left pretty bare. Some kids did fine with the distance learning model, though it was still taxing and not ideal. Other kiddos struggled mightily to work outside of the classroom. I, personally, was never meant to be both the parent and the teacher, especially when parenting well takes every bit of me and then some. When I dropped my kids off for school on March 12th, I had no idea that would be the last time they would all be at the same school.

We've all lost so much, and it feels a little wrapped in trauma for me. We cannot play the "Loss Olympics," because, collectively, no one's life is what we thought it would be at the beginning of the year. We lost the end of Lily's elementary school career, and all the closing ceremonies that would have brought with it. We have LOVED her school experience, and to have it suddenly ripped away was hard. And we loved each of the teachers the other kids had, and it hurts to not finish the year together. When I picked up their stuff from school, I drove away sobbing.

It's like there are now two tracks running in my head all of the time. There is the 2020 we had planned with school and trips and "normal life." And there is the 2020 we are all living in now full of uncertainty. What will school look like in the fall? What sort of travel will be possible when? Will the numbers keep rising indefinitely? The specter of the 2020 that never will be sometimes still haunts me. I think of the things we would have been doing on certain dates, and we now have an all new line up. With a lot more travel insurance should we need to cancel everything once again. And we have masks for whenever we go out into public.

It's been a good reminder that our plans are not really ours. Working to submit myself to the 2020 reality and trusting that it is God's ultimate best for us has been difficult. It is forcing us to make changes that we wouldn't have made otherwise, and I can see that those will probably be better for our family. But they are still largely unknown, and I know how good some of what we will give up is. It's stretching us past breaking points. We are broken. And there are no easy fixes, and I don't know which roads to take at each juncture. That said, we are moving forward, and I am thankful for that.

I feel like I am currently a Grief Scratch and Sniff. Things can look like they are okay on the outside for a little bit, but if the surfaces gets scratched at all, grief comes out. I'm still in counseling, and we are continuing to work to get the help we need. I know that some healing will come with time, but there is also the recognition that this is an extremely hard season. With no end date. I know some people have had it much harder and some people much easier - again - this isn't the Loss Olympics, it's just our experience over here. Speaking of Olympics, there is another thing lost in the vortex of the 2020 that will never be.

There's not a happy wrap up bow to put on all this. It's the messy middle of it all, and I am praying the Lord will continue to grant us wisdom and grace as we walk this version of 2020.

BLACK LIVES MATTER

2020-06-11T21:20:00.001-05:00

I've been radio silent on the internet for about a month and even longer on the blog. To say that 2020 has walloped me upside the head and deep into my heart would be an understatement. There have been hard diagnoses in our family. There has been the pandemic and subsequent quarantine that took away our support system and routines and left us isolated and a bit undone. I've been battling situational depression and trying to find a way through our days. It's been a lot and then some.

But here we are in June, and the race conversation has reached a fever pitch and groundswell that cannot and SHOULD NOT be ignored. George Floyd's death and Breonna Taylor's and Ahmaud Arbery's have brought Black Lives Matter back to the forefront of everyone's attention. There are protests and round the clock news coverage that switched from the ongoing depressing cycle of Coronavirus to conversations centered on race and talking heads debating why black men and women are still getting killed at the hands of police. Or at the hands of vigilantes who are then not prosecuted by our justice system. I know I am recapping the obvious, and unless you are living in a hole (which sounds pretty great right now), none of this is new info.

When we stepped into being a transracial family over 7 years ago, we quickly realized that we had a lot of educating we needed to do for ourselves. We became more intentional to ask questions of the people of color in our life and to seek out more voices of people who come from different backgrounds. We got to know the family we had adopted into, and we have learned so much from the twins' grandmother who attended Central High and knows members of the Little Rock Nine personally, because she closely followed their footsteps. I've diversified my social media feeds, though this is something I am still actively working on. We've read books and listened to podcasts and watched documentaries.

We acknowledged our white privilege years ago. (Here are posts I wrote back in 2014 and 2016) I am not trying to make us sound more "woke" than we are. We are still working to dismantle the racism and prejudices and biases that live within us. It's hard work to humbly understand the role our whiteness has played in our success, and it is devastating to realize that we have two children who will not be protected under our privilege umbrella throughout their lives because their skin is beautifully darker than our's. I do not feel guilty about being white, but I understand that whiteness in our country can and has been weaponized. I'm saddened to say that I was not shocked by these deaths occurring in our country. I am angrier than ever before, and I'm grieving, but I moved past shock years ago.

I realize that so far, I've made this post about our family's journey. I wanted to show that learning about race and privilege is a journey. A marathon. A lifestyle. It's not something to do only while it's trending. It's more than posting a black box on social media to make sure everyone knows that you do care about black people dying. And if you are tired of hearing about racism, imagine how tired people must be of experiencing it? (paraphrased off an instagram quote I saw)

What I have so appreciated through this round of national racial conversations is the way so many white people have begun to understand that we need to listen. We need to reflect. Is slavery our fault? No, but it informs our current reality, so to discount those centuries of oppression is to ignore our real history and context that adds depth and breadth to the anger we're seeing and experiencing.

So now what? This is the question I hear friends asking, and it's a good one. Now that we are awake to the systemic racism, now what? We are having conversations with those in our circle about this issue, and as of this weekend, we have attended our first protest as a family. I must say this was an experience that resonated with me on several levels. I realized that I've not had many reasons to protest in my life, which means that mostly, systems work for me, an upper-middle class white lady. There is also something very intentional about attending a protest - we took time to write out signs, which meant really trying to figure out what we wanted to say and taking the time to say it. We explained to our kids what we were doing and why. (We also loaded up a backpack full of snacks, treats and drinks, because it was over 90 degrees and at dinner time.) It felt a little weird to pull up and unload, and because of the racial makeup of our family, it always feels like we draw a few more looks. But, people smiled, and there was so much solidarity in the togetherness (while most of us were wearing masks, because what a delight that all of this is happening during a global pandemic).

It was also a reminder of the nuance and listening that is still required. Honestly, I didn't necessarily "agree" with all of the signs that I saw. And as certain people were talking, I realized that I wasn't "comfortable" with everything being communicated. However, it has pushed me to do more research - to learn what it might mean to rethink the role of police in our society and how funds could be shifted around to address the real needs of our communities and to listen to the people this is affecting negatively. Again, the system has worked for me, but that does NOT mean that it is working.

We will continue to broaden our circle and have hard conversations that require humility and being uncomfortable. We attend a predominantly Black church once a quarter to give ourselves and our bio kids the opportunity to experience being the minority every once in a while and to have a greater understanding of Black Christian culture in our city. We work with an incredibly diverse population that feels keenly and strongly about everything going on. John has spent a lot of time listening and dialoguing with members of our team, which has continued to open our eyes. We are still learning so much. It's super messy, but I am hopeful that real change is possible. I can't speak to all that should look like, but I am hopeful that examining the systems and mechanics of what got us here will allow us to bring more accountability and change.

I've seen lots of people scared to post anything for fear of getting it wrong. I know that I will get it wrong, but I would rather say something than nothing. I would rather share about things that matter to our family deeply than to ignore what is happening. I realized that even though I feel a bit redundant, that is because of the social feeds that I have curated over the last seven years. I can use my voice in my own circles.

And lastly, to any brothers and sisters in Christ that may be reading this, please know that this issue needs more than prayer. Racism is a sin/heart problem, yes, but the ways that it has spilled into our society require real cultural and policy change. To simply say that you are praying it gets better is an incomplete response.

And because I am by NO MEANS an expert, I would love to point you to just a few books authored by Black people that are enlightening. If you need more resources, just check the New York Times Bestseller list this week - most of them are centered on racial issues.

Under Our Skin by Benjamin Watson

Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson

I'm Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing

Be The Bridge by Latasha Morrison

Here are some of the Black people I follow on Instagram that I am continually learning from.

{ Latasha Morrison } { Austin Channing Brown } { Emmanuel Acho } { Osheta Moore }

{ Morgan Harper Nichols } { Danielle Coke } { Angela Tucker } { Jo Saxton }

QC: VIOLET & WILLIAM ARE SEVEN

2020-04-22T19:40:00.002-05:00

Here we are, another day in quarantine, another big celebration. Fortunately, and unfortunately, we are becoming pros at this. Today, our precious twinsies turn seven!

Seven years of joy and learning together and loving one another. Seven years of barely restrained chaos, if I'm really honest, because 4 kids in 4 years is a lot. Seven years of seeing Violet and William grow into precious little people.

Violet is a force of nature. She is enthusiastic and loving in the extreme. She has loved doing kindergarten a second time, and she is missing her teacher and friends so badly right now. This year she has grown so much as a student, which is amazing to see. She is flipping and cartwheeling through life, and we are so thankful that she is ours.

William is one of the sweetest little spirits and makes friends everywhere we go. He said that he hopes that next year on his birthday, he is allowed to hug everyone, though his class did sing him Happy Birthday through their Google hangout. William loves cars and stuffed animals, and he can play by himself or with others for a long time. Another round of kindergarten has been great for him, and we are so proud of him.

Last night, we had a socially distanced grandparent hang out while the weather was nice, and it was delightful.

Tonight, we ordered pizza and stuck candles in a giant brownie, which is what they requested.

This is a quarantine birthday indeed, home all day, half dressed and planning to sleep in whatever they are wearing. We have a drive-by birthday planned on Saturday, which will be its own version of fun.

Here's a round up of their past birthday posts - I cannot believe how much they've grown!

{VIOLET & WILLIAM TURN SIX}
{VIOLET & WILLIAM TURN FIVE}
{WILLIAM &VIOLET TURN FOUR}
{VIOLET & WILLIAM TURN THREE}
{TWINS TURN TWO}
{HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY, WILLIAM &VIOLET}

QC: THIS IS 15

2020-04-16T20:37:00.000-05:00

Today is our 15th wedding anniversary. To be fair, we didn't have big plans that we had to cancel, but it is still safe to say this is not the way we thought we would be celebrating. I've begun chalking the side of our house with murals, and I did a "love" one in honor of the day with chalk spray paint.

John came home from work early to get some time together this afternoon, which was a gift. Also, a few weeks ago, we ordered the world's largest puzzle. Because Amazon is prioritizing essentials right now, this wasn't supposed to come for another week. But, lo and behold, it arrived early and was like an anniversary surprise for us all!

It's 40,320 pieces and 42 pounds of fun just waiting for us to put it all together. We've got the time.

We decided to do pick-up from one of our favorite restaurants and do a picnic downtown.

This plan got hijacked by an accident in someone's pants, which felt super on-brand for life right now. We regularly get high highs and low lows, and this day felt like a perfect cross section of both. I cried while working on homeschooling and also reveled in the most gorgeous weather imaginable. The hard and the beautiful hand in hand.

We came home and had a picnic in our front yard, which was lovely in its own right. I only had to plunge the toilet once in the middle of this.

(pro tip: use duck tape as wine cup holders for your front yard picnic)

At the end of today and every day, I am SO glad to do life with John Spenst. We NEVER would have imagined what our life would hold, and I am so thankful for what the Lord has put before us. I've been angry several different times today (and parts of most days currently, TBH), about how difficult current circumstances are. But, I do not lose sight of the gifts we have. It's been a wild 15 years, and I couldn't picture it any other way or certainly with anyone else.

I posted lots of our wedding pictures here and several of our honeymoon pictures here, and here is a walk down anniversary lane!

{2011} {2012} {2013} {2014} {2015} {2016} {2017} {2018} {2019}

QC: STAY AT HOME EASTER

2020-04-12T19:21:00.000-05:00

It's the weirdest Easter there has ever been, but I'm still so thankful to celebrate our risen Savior.

We started the morning with a brunch in pajamas right before watching our church's online Easter service.

Before the service started, there were video messages from families in our church wishing everyone a Happy Easter, and I kept tearing up, wishing we could see our church family on this special Sunday. Honestly, this entire isolating experience has been really difficult for me, and I know that I am not alone this. There were several moments today where I found tears welling up from all of the loss. I find myself clinging to the hope in Jesus now more than ever, so that's not the worst way to spend Easter. I'm so thankful that this world is not all we have.

I struggled to get "into the spirit," but we still made the most of our day. We did an egg hunt at home, and then we drove around and did a community egg hunt that our church had set up with wooden eggs around town. This had very high and low moments with everyone singing along to music OR certain children yelling mean things from the back seat. Our family is very potent and used to the dilution of other people. We need other people. Some days right now it feels more poisonous than others to only have each other, and I'm hoping and praying that God continues to give us grace for each other every day. And also that this doesn't last forever.

We miss our family and friends. But, we are thankful we have each other and our health and so many other gifts. Too many to name. And ultimately, we have Christ.

And that wraps this holiday, quarantine edition. I hope that you were able to celebrate in meaningful ways, and I know it will be memorable for us all!

QC: BELLA'S BAPTISM

2020-04-11T19:15:00.000-05:00

Four years ago, Bella made the decision to follow Christ with her life. A few months ago, she told us she was ready to be baptized, and we reached out to the church to start scheduling. This was all back in February before we knew how the spring was going to unfold. We had picked April 5th as her baptism date, and she had talked to our children's pastor about her faith and what made her ready to take this step.

Then the world began to change, and things kept being cancelled. I told Bella that sadly, her baptism would probably be postponed until there were church services again. But, the church reached out to us and asked if she would be interested in being baptized at the church, during the week, with it being live-streamed and also recorded to be shown during the Sunday church broadcast. Bella jumped at the chance to be our church's first "quarantine baptism." What a world.

There were two baptisms that day, two hours apart. They set up separate baptistries for each one, and everyone was good to stay socially distanced from us. Seeing Bella's testimony and decision to make her faith public was really special, and John baptized her, which was such a privilege for him.

Buried with Christ in death, raised to walk in newness of life.

Honestly, my emotions ran high the whole time. All of our friends and family tuned in live, and every family from our D-group filmed themselves watching it and sent it to us so that Bella could see how supported she was.

Like so much of life right now, the really hard is mixed with the really good. Seeing Bella make this decision with so much courage and grace touched me profoundly. I so badly wanted it to be the big moment it was "supposed" to be, surrounded by friends and family. However, God had other plans for this experience, and I was profoundly touched by the support and messages we received from so many. The wild thing is, her baptism ended up being seen by so many more people, because it was during this time. I hope and pray that God continues to use her life to be a blessing to others!

So, we are celebrating Bella's decision, and we are putting our hope in the Lord, because there is so much uncertainty right now. This social distancing thing is SO hard, but it won't be forever. Bella's baptism reminded me all over again of what really matters, and I'm so thankful for the good moments in the midst of all this.

If you want to watch - here's the video!

QUARANTINE CHRONICLES: NEW KITTEN

2020-03-31T20:28:00.001-05:00

In these dark times, I'm looking for some sunshine in our lives. Almost five years ago, one of our cats died, and due to the fact that we had a lot of very young children, we decided to limp along with the one remaining cat and not get another one. When life turned much harder a few weeks back and we realized how much we would be at home, John graciously agreed that getting a kitten now actually made sense.

Meet Simba Q. Spenst.
Q represents the quarantine we are currently under.

We're obsessed.

Obviously, kittens do not fix everything. We miss our people and routines badly. I've had a couple of meltdowns as we have restarted schooling this week. But, Simba is SO sweet and social and wants to be in the middle of everything, always.

He makes being home almost all the time sweeter for everyone, and I am super grateful for him as a bright spot.

I hatched this idea on my birthday and quickly realized that finding a kitten during the pandemic may be a bit tricky. But, after a little searching, I located a litter of small kittens available at the animal shelter in Searcy where they were letting people in one family at a time with social distancing in place. We went and picked out this sweet bundle of fluff.

He's 8 weeks old and healthy and so far has done great! He loves to play, but he also sleeps all night. Seems like a pretty good combo in my book.

Our other cat, Francie, is not yet a fan. She is pretty sulky and growly, but I know they will warm up to each other and end up best friends. It may take a while, but we've got time.

Hope you enjoy kitten pics. It not, sorry not sorry. He's super cute, and we are in love.

QUARANTINE CHRONICLES: MY 39TH BIRTHDAY

2020-03-29T20:39:00.000-05:00

I turned 39 on Tuesday, and since the whole quarantine started, I was dreading it. We were *supposed* to be in the Bahamas swimming with dolphins on my birthday, so the realities of not being able to travel or be with friends certainly made things look a little different.

b

John graciously offered to do a Disney day at home where we wore our Disney clothes and ears and watched Disney movies and made Disney food. To me, that sounded even more depressing, though he was trying so hard. Ultimately, we decided to go do one of the only things still open in Central Arkansas - Garvan Gardens.

As we headed in, I called a local pizza place to pickup an order. After the 3rd call (I am nothing if not persistent) they answered and said they were not open for another 15 minutes and couldn't even take my order over the phone until then. I got off the phone and started crying. Like a lot. I was trying to not cry, because no one wants to see their wife or mother crying on her birthday. But, I couldn't help it. I was so sad about everything being so hard and not what I had imagined.

We regrouped, let the kids run around outside a bit, and I pulled myself together. I vowed to make the most of the day that could be it's own kind of special. I called the pizza place back, and it really is good pizza, and I know that all restaurants are trying their best in this super bizarro world.

We made our way to the gardens where there is ample room for social distancing and all indoor spaces were closed. The tulips were in full bloom, and it was gorgeous. I knew we would be better off doing something that was delightful in its own right.

The weather turned out to be lovely, and there was hardly anyone there which has to be the only upside of the Covid-19 crisis. We had a pretty normal time for our family with highs and lows, but mostly, we were able to enjoy the day together and the spring glory that is a well-manicured garden. It was truly so beautiful.

While my birthday was wildly different than I had hoped, it was its own kind of lovely. My family celebrated me so well, and I heard from so many friends and family. Lily made me a card that said, "Sorry for your loss," which is hilarious and so on brand.

We rebooked our cruise to next Spring Break, so hopefully, I will get to celebrate 40 in the Bahamas. Though, aren't we all learning that our plans are not our own? I hope and pray that we will get to return to "normal" life, but I am working to actively be grateful for the gifts that this strange season brings. Some days I am better at it than others, but I am trying. That's about all that I can do at this point, and I am starting to see the light a bit more in my mind, even though there still seems to be plenty of quarantining in front of us still. Taking it one day at a time seems to be the only way I'll be able to walk through this.

For all of that, I am glad to be 39. It does feel as if each year teaches me so much at this point. A lot of it, I wouldn't actually want to learn. But, I can see that I am imperfectly growing in wisdom and grace, and that is something to always be grateful for.

QUARANTINE CHRONICLES: GRIEF

2020-03-25T13:01:00.000-05:00

(This photo is me working towards normal even during this chaos. I've realized that sometimes, washing my hair and putting on makeup do a world of good for my inside as well as my outside.)

We're a full week.5 into parts of our new reality. As the Covid-19 timeline goes for us, two and a half weeks ago, things were still pretty normal. That next Monday, we started wondering if we would take our Spring Break trip. Each day of that week brought news that changed the world dramatically. By the end of that week, we were living in a different world entirely.

Last week brought us trying to settle into our new normals of homeschooling, mostly sheltering-in-place, social distancing and uncertainty of how long all of that will last. We've closed down our mall restaurant, and we're running drive-thru only at our free-standing restaurant. NONE of this was on our minds 3 weeks ago. It's a lot to take in, and it all happened so suddenly.

I've tried to adjust to the new normal, but I've found my emotions about it to be all over the place. Mostly, I've realized that I have a lot of grief about what has happened/is happening. You're probably familiar with the Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. As I look at it, I've spent most of the last week bobbing between Denial and Anger, and I've started cycling towards Bargaining and Depression as well. Every morning I wake up and realize all over again that we are in the middle of an unprecedented worldwide pandemic that has shut down our country and many normal parts of our lives. It feels like something has died.

As I've Marco-Poloed and talked with friends all week, I've heard so many people feeling the same things that I am. It's confusing and overwhelming. We want to make the best of things, but find ourselves feeling angry and discouraged. We know that it could be a million times worse - we could be going to war. But we have all lost our normals, and we need time to grieve that. I've had to learn to pay attention to what is going on inside of me and honor the feelings that are there. The stress and anxiety that these times hold are real, and though there will be gifts that come out of this season, I cannot move straight to those without acknowledging all of the very real losses.

I have a love/hate relationship with all of the social media response to this. I have loved the constant supply of memes. As we ALL go through this as a society, we have to laugh through it, and I have appreciated the steady supply of humor about Covid-19 to be found online. I have hated all of the posts about how we are just being asked to sit on a couch. To be honest, I've been mad that this whole thing happens at a time when I have four children that need a lot of oversight and attention at almost all times. I would be sad, but mostly fine, if I could just do house projects and watch television and work out. That is NOT my life.

It's also hard to reconcile the inequalities that are glaring during a time like this. I am not worried about feeding our family, and it is both mind-blowing and also comforting that John's work is considered "essential." We have an income that continues during this time, and I am so thankful. I can stay home with our children and not miss work. However, there are SO MANY people that are affected much more deeply. It's hard to be sad about the way my own life looks right now and also recognize how much harder it is on people who had it harder to begin with.

I know I will move towards Acceptance as we walk this journey all together. There are a lot of sweet moments, and I'm working to be present and appreciative of the special time we do have together. But I'm also letting myself be sad when I need to be. It will pass, but I know that I have to pay attention to those emotions. They will find a way out one way or the other. So - if you are in a similar place, this is just a reminder to give grace to yourself and others. None of us has ever done this before, and we're all having to figure it out together, separately.

QUARANTINE CHRONICLES: THE WEEKEND BEFORE AT WYE MOUNTAIN

2020-03-18T21:39:00.001-05:00

We're all stuck in this crazy weird world for the time being and doing the best we can. To be honest, this is super hard for me. For everyone. It's easy to play the suffering Olympics in my head of how it's harder for me with four kids, including two with special needs, that I am suddenly in charge of every moment. With no opportunities to play with our people regularly and make this feel a little better. Plus, we have two restaurants that are incredibly challenging to navigate during this stretch, and we are trying to make sure we are taking care of our people and our guests to the best of our ability and as safely as possible. And we should be leaving for Disney tomorrow instead of hunkering down for the foreseeable future with no end in sight.

HOWEVER, I am reminded regularly of how grateful I am for so much of our life. We will likely be fine when this is all over, and I know how privileged I am on so many fronts. There are a ton of unknowns, but for me, they do not include where our food will come from or if we will have enough money to pay for housing or if my spouse will lose his job. I am not a single parent trying to balance working and suddenly having kids at home. I know there are much bigger problems out there than I am facing. But I am still facing my own difficulties, and I'm figuring out how to honor the sadness in my own life while also being thankful.

Earlier this year, I started a Gratitude Journal inspired by Laura of PitterPatter Art. (I link to her stuff in this post with more details) This year has been BRUTAL since it started, and the Lord knew I needed to focus on things to be grateful for. I'm thankful for thankfulness and the way it reshapes how I think day to day, and I would encourage anyone else struggling right now (all of us - amirite?) to pick up something like this if you think it would be helpful. I already love looking back at it each night, and I'm only 2.5 months in.

One of the little projects I've decided to do is catch up on photos and some on the blog, and our annual trip to Wye Mountain is always a post I love to write. This was the Sunday before last, and it was the day before the world started to really tilt. It's the last day I remember thinking March was going to go ahead as planned, and honestly, I was having a hard time with normal life at that point. I had no idea it was about to get much worse.

But, we had a beautiful day at the Festival, which was busier than we've ever experienced, because the weather was gorgeous. Way back from when people could be together.

I do love seeing how happy it makes the kids to run wild in the field. It's just so beautiful.

I do enjoy looking back at things that are happy and to be hopeful that we will get to do fun things again at some undetermined future point.

I love looking back, and it is crazy to realize this is my 10th Wye Mountain Daffodil Post - Cannot even believe it!

{2019} {2018} {2017} {2016} {2015} {2014} {2013} {2012} {2011}

I am hopeful that we can make it through this Coronavirus experience one day at a time. In the meantime, I'm going to work on thinking happy thoughts and being grateful for the little things. And all the big ones.

WHAT A WEIRD WEEK

2020-03-16T16:08:00.000-05:00

Ironically, the last time I blogged was in February about the cruise we took with Chick-fil-A, which feels like a lifetime and a world ago. I've lost the thread of blogging a bit, because frankly, this year had been pretty challenging before this past week hit. But, here we are, with cancelled plans and much more time and space on our hands.

One thing I've always loved about blogging is how it captures a snapshot of our little world. I love being able to look back and see what things were happening and how it all felt, and because I often process well through writing, blogging has been a good outlet. I'm hoping that during this time at home, I may be able to prioritize it once again in a way that would be healthy for me and hopefully, helpful for others.

We, probably like you, had a lot of things on our calendar for this March. We had actually been planning a Disney cruise with friends for almost 18 months.

Now, the second half of that calendar is entirely erased, and we are still ramping up social restrictions. It is mind-boggling to me that last Monday evening we were sitting around the dining room table trying to figure out if we would be able to go on a cruise, and within 3 days of that meeting, Disney World was closed and all cruises were landed. Each day, the news became worse, and the actions more extreme.

Carol of two weeks ago could NEVER have imagined the world that we are currently living, and in some ways, I become a little anxious when I wonder what Carol of present doesn't know. Will we be put on entire lockdown and separation? Will our business have to close entirely? How will we care for our employees? When will school reopen? Will there ever be anything fun ever again??? These are just a few things on my mind. 🤪 Also, WHY in the world is toilet paper in such short supply? I understand bread only slightly more.

For mental health reasons, I opted out of the news in 2016. I've been back in for the last week, and it's reminded me how careful I need to be with what information I seek out and consume. So much is happening, so quickly, and I have a slight compulsion to try to have the latest, most accurate info possible. I've been checking my phone much more than normal, and my stomach has been in knots since last Monday. Even as I type that, I see that I need to take a step back, because constantly updating on the latest Coronavirus cases in my area does not actually help me do what I need to do for our family or even our community.

I have stocked up on groceries and craft activities, and the kiddos are on track with school on this second day of enforced homeschool. Our family does have some special needs, so being home indefinitely provides some pretty large challenges emotionally and physically. I'm hoping and praying the Lord provides strength for each day and working to take it one day at a time.

So - here we go! We're all in this together, whilst staying apart. It's a super weird world, and I know that it will take some major adjustment and creativity. And mostly a LOT of grace for ourselves and each other as this is uncharted territory for us all. None of us has ever lived through a global pandemic of this nature or experienced life-cancellation at this level before. I had never heard of social distancing until last week. We are figuring it out one day at a time and trying to do the best we can.

I sincerely hope that the work and disruption that we are sowing now will reap a societal benefit and save lives. I also fully recognize that what I am experiencing is frustrating and disappointing, but in regards to life and limb, we are doing very well and have SO MUCH for which to be thankful. Living in the tension of both is challenging, but doing hard things is what we do. Being both disappointed and thankful is just the reality right now.

CFA NEXT 2020

2020-02-22T14:23:00.000-06:00

Last year, CFA set our new vision to be "The World's Most Caring Company." Let's just say, they definitely start with us, which I never take for granted. For our annual meeting this year, they chartered the world's two largest cruise ships, and we set sail from Florida to spend some time at sea.

February is always when I start to full-blown hate winter. It is bleak, and this year it's been extra dreary and rainy and ick. Escaping to a tropical wonderland came at just the right time. It has unexpectedly already been a hard year, and this was like balm to our souls. We spent a full day at Royal Caribbean's Island, CoCo Cay, which was a highlight. The weather was perfection, and we spent much of the day wandering the ocean or swinging in a hammock. Amazing.

Even though the company was split in half between the two ships, almost all of our friends ended up on ours, so we got to spend time eating and chatting and laughing and crying in some cases. Many of these relationships are over ten years old, and we've been able to stay up on a lot of life, which I treasure. We also made a few new friends in our very own market, and it's always nice to connect with people who will become part of our local CFA circle.

As a side note, I did not think that this was an overdone amount of jewelry for four days, but apparently, it is more than most people pack. 😂🤣😜

The last two days of the trip were at sea, and one of the days was perfect for spending time by the pool. The other day was gray, and ended up being perfect for napping in our room. We basically ate constantly, which is typical cruise life and then typical CFA event life. I am not complaining, though I could not keep up the habit of six desserts a day once I got home. There were excellent speakers and sessions to attend, and we chose the ones that were most relevant to what we needed.

Last year, we realized that we need a lot more rest than we had been getting, and it is encouraging to get to this year and be in a slightly better place on that front. We have actually practiced going to bed consistently and being more well-rested overall. What we continue to learn is that we have to be the best versions of ourselves to be able to show up in our lives in any meaningful ways for the people around us. When I am sapped dry, I am an angry parent and rather sullen wife. When John is sapped dry, everything is overwhelming.

Our lives continue to be high intensity. I think we've mostly given up the notion that this is short term. This is just our life for the foreseeable future, and if we don't take that seriously and take care of ourselves, we will burn out. And then the things that depend on us will also fall apart. Obviously, that's dramatic, but it's our reality.

Spending time with our greater CFA family is always an encouragement. It's work too - there were conversations that need to be had and dynamics that had to be taken into account. It's not exactly a "vacation," but, it was an excellent break from some of our pressures.

Here are CFA Seminars of the past!
{2019} {2018} {2017} {2016} {2015} {2014} {2013} {2012} {2011}

IT'S BEEN A HARD YEAR

2020-01-31T22:51:00.000-06:00

A few nights ago, I hosted a group in my home, and I exchanged the usual pleasantries with people as they entered. I knew these people well and didn't have the energy to be anything but honest, so when someone asked how I was, I said,

"I'm okay. It's been a hard year."

This person pointed out that we were only a few weeks into 2020, and we both laughed, because that does make my statement seem a bit dramatic. However, this never-ending January has seemed to deal blow after blow, and it's ending with a bang. There have been enough notable things to mark any year, and instead of graciously spreading themselves out, these things have marched through in the span of days and weeks. 🤯

This month I also sprained my wrist during one of my ice-skating lessons while I was trying to learn how to spin. Obviously, that's a really valuable skill for any 38 year old mother of four to have. 🤣 It's the first real injury that I can remember having, probably because I am not the least bit athletic and never participated in any kind of team sports. When it happened, I knew it was bad. I could tell it was probably not broken, but it also hurt a lot. In that moment, I downplayed it. I didn't want my instructors to feel any worse, and I joined Bella on the ice for the free-skating portion of our time as if everything was fine. I didn't want to raise any alarms, even though I could barely unlace my skates and driving home was tricky.

For the next week, I mostly pretended everything was fine. I took a lot of ibuprofen and expected the bad bruising that began to show up. It's my right hand, so using it hurt, but you can figure a lot of things out when you have to. I threw a Waffle Fry Party and hosted my parents and brushed hair and did the dishes. All the normal things. And all of it hurt.

When I was at Book Club this week, I showed it to a friend that's a Physical Therapist, and she was a bit horrified by the swelling and bruising that remained over a week after the injury. She chided me for my total lack of action towards healing. I naively assumed that it would just eventually get better. And, it would, eventually. However, after wearing a brace for a couple of days and icing it, I am seeing a LOT more improvement.

After all that we've taken in during January, I feel like I'm emotionally sprained. Nothing is so broken as to require casting or immediate care, but everything inside hurts. There are so many tender subjects inside my mind that my thoughts are having a hard time navigating it all without my brain screaming out in pain. Because of the kind of news and the ways that those situations impact me, I can sometimes pretend like things are okay. I can distract or zone out. I can get a pedicure or my favorite food. But ultimately, this is just a season of grief.

I have a natural inclination to avoid all types of pain - going so far as total denial as a coping mechanism. For better and worse, my adulthood has led me through some difficult paths, and I've learned how to walk through pain, but it still goes against the grain. I don't want to need a brace or ice or medicine for my feelings. I want it to all be okay. I want to live in a world that is not broken. My longing for heaven only gets stronger each day. Nothing is fair.

It's been an excellent reminder that I never wanted about how often we are all walking around, going about our normal lives, broken up into pieces on the inside. This week, my car battery died, and because of that, I couldn't get Violet to a doctor's appointment exactly on time, and it ended up being canceled on us, though we would have only been 15 minutes late. It was a frustrating situation for any day or week or month. But I was devastated and so angry. It took every bit of reserve and Holy Spirit to not yell horrible things at the receptionist who was bearing this news. I knew I was having an extreme overreaction, and I wanted to explain about how hard everything feels, but it doesn't (and shouldn't) matter to her. I got off the phone as quickly as possible and dissolved into tears and managed to move past it, because at the end of the day, that stupid appointment will happen eventually, and it will be fine. My anger was not about the appointment.

So unlike my wrist, I am not pretending like everything is fine. I've upped my counseling appointments for the foreseeable future. I have dramatically cut back on cookie orders. I've let myself off of any imaginary hooks that I don't actually need to do. I've looked at my calendar to book extra sitters to help, because we just need it right now. I did a yoga class. I'm exercising and sleeping and journaling and praying and all the things that I know are healthy. My counselor was really encouraging about how I am using all the tools that I have, and it does feel good to know that even though I am a little crushed, I am not defeated.

If 2020 has been a rough start for you as well, I'm sorry. There are a lot of sucky things in life that are far outside of our control. And sometimes I'm not that great at the stuff I have some control over. This is a reminder to give ourselves some grace. If we are wounded, we shouldn't pretend that we aren't - that is no way to heal. Because many of the situations that are grieving me now will be ongoing, I don't feel like I necessarily get to "heal." But, I get to move forward and find joy along the way. I get to see the Lord at work in both the good and the hard, which I have to hope that he is making good, even when I can't see it. I get to join hands with family and friends as we navigate tricky waters, and I'm holding on tight to them.

Here's to February and new beginnings and new grace for each day. That's another thing I've been working on: taking things one day at a time. God's mercies are new every morning, and in his faithfulness, he's always provided the strength that I've need each day so far. I'm trusting that he's good for it. One day at a time.

LILY'S WAFFLE FRY PARTY

2020-01-26T18:20:00.000-06:00

Something I never saw coming was having a daughter who prefers to be known as "Waffle Fry." So when it came time to plan her shindig this year, there was only one theme that really made sense.

We sent out invites that my sis graciously designed.

As the years have gone on, I have gotten a bit better about doing simpler parties, and this one was pretty straightforward: Chick-fil-A breakfast and as many waffle fries as your heart desires plus a bunch of toppings, including all the normal CFA condiments, plus nacho cheese and bacon bits. We also gave everyone the option of getting IceDream to dip their waffle fries into. It's sneaky good.

The best part was that Lily was super happy about the whole thing from top to bottom, which makes it totally worth it.

We had sweet friends and family there to celebrate, and everyone ate while we also did Waffle Fry Trivia.

Every grandmother was in attendance, which felt special.

We sang "Happy Birthday" and cut into the Waffle Fry cake. Those are cookies that I made to look like waffle fries, and even I was amazed at how realistic they looked!

We sent everyone on their way with Waffle Fry Notebooks and Pens. There are some perks to having access to the CFA merch catalogue.

I cannot believe that Lily is 11! We love celebrating her special quirkiness.

Here are Lily's past parties!

{10 YEAR BIRTHDAY TRIP}
{9- Golden Birthday}
{8 - Pancakes & Pajamas}
{7 - Lego Party}
{6 - Butterflies at Painted Pig}
{5- Princess Party}
{4- Horse Party}
{3- Panda-monium}
{2- Crayon Party}

2020 SO FAR

2020-01-15T20:23:00.000-06:00

So far, 2020 has been a doozy. Christmas brought a lot of good and hard, and we definitely came into the new year still recovering. We rang it in with dear friends, and I must say, I do not know what we would do without our people. It feels that they are often what God uses to keep us propped up, and I'm always so grateful for them.

Also, can we believe it is 2020??? No, I cannot. I originally started this blog in 2007, which was now a full 13 years ago. In most ways, it does feel that long ago, because, hello - a lot has happened. But, in other ways, wasn't it just 2010? I digress. This is what I've been up to so far in 2020.

- I've been organizing photos a lot. It is a sort of coping mechanism, and the only thing in my life that I have managed to stay on top of for years. So, I sort and keep putting photos into albums. It's also a great way to re-live and be grateful for sweet moments and trips.

- I've been grieving. We got some hard news last week, and I am trying to make sense of it and let God work his peace in my heart. This means I have cried a lot and also been angry. What a way to start the year.

- I've been researching skincare and have adopted a 10 step Korean skincare routine, inspired by Jamie B. Golden. Also - why is my last name not Golden? Some things in life are unfair. Back to skincare. I turn 39 in a few months, and I have to say, I like most things about aging. But I do not like it when my skin keeps changing, and I would like to do my part to keep it as nice as possible. I fully cleaned out my bathroom drawers and realized that I had many of the steps already and only needed to purchase a couple of things. And now I warn John every time I come into the living room wearing a face mask, because he is always so startled by them.

- I've been helping the girls with their Science Fair projects. If doing one is bad, doing two is definitely worse. However, I have learned a few things along the way, so I now have a better understanding of what it takes to get from Point A to Point B. And, we finished them this weekend! 🙌🏻

- I've been keeping a Gratitude Journal. This is due to Laura Kelly of PitterPatter Art, who I got to know and love at Camp Create. You can get all the details on the highlights of her Instagram Stories, and I went all in with the Sprocket Printer and Moleskine. So far, I am really loving it. I didn't know how much I would need gratitude this year when I started it, but I can see the Lord's provision in guiding me in this direction. Every day, I print out a mini-picture and write out the things I'm grateful for that day. Nothing revolutionary, but even as I make a habit of it, I can see my thoughts being trained in that direction, which is really helpful.

- I also started a Chronological Bible Reading Plan in conjunction with several friends. Having discipline in anything is not really my strong suit, so I am hoping this is another practice I can keep up daily. It helps having friends do it as well, as with all things in life.

- I've been on social media less, and this has been a long time coming. I had been addicted to my phone, specifically to Instagram, and the easy, mindless escape that scrolling and swiping provides. It also endlessly provided me with shopping options - just Swipe Up! 😬 In an attempt to take back my time and be able to complete my own thoughts, I took a few days completely off, and I intend to take more regular breaks to get some air and keep it in its proper place in my life. I love being able to connect with people, but I do not like how distracting it had become for me.

- I've been working on our 2020 schedule. There are a lot of moving parts in our life, and sometimes, I have to wrestle with our calendar a bit to make it all work.

I have never liked New Year Resolutions, because it "feels" cliche to me, and I want to "feel" like I am already doing awesome at everything. 😆 Obviously, I'm not. And the New Year is as good a time as any to try out some new habits that will pay dividends in my life.

Hope you're able to start your roaring 20s with hope and peace as you move forward.

LILY IS 11

2020-01-09T16:07:00.001-06:00

And before we realized it would even be possible, we have an 11 year old in the house!

Lily is expressive and quirky and prefers to go by the moniker of "Waffle Fry." 😆😂🤪

We continue to be amazed by the person that Lily is becoming. She is sensitive and kind and helpful. If you need a girl to plan out something and trouble-shoot what might go wrong, she's your gal. She is witty, and you never know what one-liner she's going to shoot about whatever situation we're in.

She LOVES to travel, enjoys playing the piano and is definitely a Carb-ivore. Lily is a fantastic big sister and helps with homework and freely gives out hugs. Legos are still a passion for her, and she can spend hours in our Lego room arranging and building and re-arranging. She loves Jesus and learning more about him, and I am always amazed at the ways her faith is deepening. She wants to wear t-shirts and sweatpants all the time on repeat, and I have to force her to let me wash the clothes she wants to wear daily. Also, the pony-tail is her signature hair style.

Last night, we celebrated her birthday at one of her favorite restaurants, the Marketplace Grill in Conway. We have a Waffle Fry party in the works, but I will say, a birthday the week after New Year's is hard to get together in a timely way. 😬 It'll be a few more weeks away.

John and I took her lunch today where she requested large Waffle Fries. Obviously. She is our very favorite oldest daughter, and I'm so thankful for the years we've had with her.

Happy 11!

Past birthday posts here:
{3rd Birthday} {4th Birthday} {5th Birthday} {6th Birthday}
{7th Birthday} {8th Birthday} {9th Birthday} {10th Birthday}