Philippi Trust South Africa

Love your Shadow - by Claudia Davidson

2012-03-05T09:45:00.000+02:00

We all know what a shadow looks like – a patch of darkness in the shape of whatever is standing between it and the light coming from behind. They are simply there and we give very little thought to them unless they lie across our putting line on the golf course, fall across what we are trying to photograph or make it difficult to read a book.

We really only become conscious of shadows when they block out the light we need to complete a task. When that happens we have a number of choices – we can switch on or create light, we can move to where the light is brighter or we can postpone our task until there is better light available; sometimes we can also choose to muddle on anyway and just hope for the best.

This is also true of our inner growth. Each of us will often have encountered a person, a situation or a set of circumstances that hinders us, blocks us, and/or frustrates us. Most often it is a person – a boss, a colleague, an acquaintance, even a family member. Just the thought of that person is enough to make our hackles rise, our blood pressure shoot up and heated words to flood into our minds and mouths! And no matter how hard we try to get round this, work through it or simply try and ignore it, we find we cannot.

Carl Jung shed some very interesting light on this phenomenon (pun intended! J). According to Jungian psychology we all have within us a Shadow made up of those parts of ourselves that we don’t wish to acknowledge as being part of who we are. Sometimes we are aware of our attempts to block those aspects of ourselves – and so we decide to make a concerted effort to be more understanding, or be more patient, or to be more tolerant. We strive to control our temper, to be less critical or to act more calmly. We seldom succeed by will power alone. Despite our best efforts, there comes a time when we “lose it” and find ourselves back at square one!

And that’s just the Shadow we are aware of.

More challenging is the Shadow we are unaware of – more commonly referred to as our blind spot or the log in our eye compared to the splinter in our brother’s eye. Both references allude to a blockage, a hindrance that is there; that no matter how well we look, we just cannot see. We can clearly see the blind spots in others, and the splinters in their eyes, while being totally oblivious to our own.

“But why even bother with all this?” you may ask. “Shadows do no harm. I can just learn to live with them - I’ve managed all right so far.”

Yes, that is true. We can simply resign ourselves to living with our shadows - but then we also settle for spending our lives in a twilight zone of half-light – a place where our relationships with those around us are unfulfilling, disappointing, and often hurtful. We sit in the shadows and watch others playing in the sunlight, and tell ourselves we were not born for sunshine.

Not so, says Jung. We are all born with the potential to live fully in the light. We all have within us the Golden Child, the one filled with and surrounded by the glow of the Divine. However, for most of us, while we may enter life “trailing clouds of glory” as Wordsworth described it, we soon find ourselves shattered and fragmented by people, circumstances, and life experiences. And if not shattered then definitely reshaped and reconfigured so that we “fit in” with the expectations of others. However, there is that within us that which will always strive to be whole and complete again to reclaim and reintegrate the fragments of ourselves that got lost along the way.

Except these fragments now lie in the hands of the Shadow self – in that part of our inner selves that is unknown, unacknowledged and unrecognised.

How do we go about reclaiming these missing or lost aspects of our being? Especially when we sometimes don’t even know what we’re looking for or can’t see it even if it lies right in our eye line. Easy - remember how a shadow reflects the shape of the thing standing between it and the sun? Well, and here’s the really scary part – those people who come into our lives that irritate, frustrate and drive us to distraction – they carry one of the parts we are missing!! The very thing about them that rubs us up the wrong way is the shadow of the quality we are missing or disowning in ourselves!

So the solution is really quite simple – identify that quality, acknowledge it also resides in you, sit with that thought for a bit until you become comfortable with it, see how it has shaped your responses to people or the lack of it has hampered you in your life’s journey and take from this exercise the gift the Shadow has given you in the form of the person you found so very objectionable.

Much easier said than done!!The process itself is challenging and sometimes painful – which is why we sometimes prefer to live in the dark! But the rewards of finally living in the light make it more than worthwhile.

I still remember my first true encounter with the Shadow Self quite vividly. A young girl was visiting in my house – and the moment she walked in my hackles rose. I found her bold and brash and – here’s the rub – greedy - first at the supper table, piling her plate high with complete disregard for anyone else and clearly relishing every mouthful. I was horrified, appalled, disgusted and seething with unexpressed anger. For a while I justified these reactions – after all, I was kind, generous, and gracious – and her behaviour was just so opposite to all that.

Long after she’d left, I was still sitting with all these emotions – until one day I realised she’d been sent to show me something. I realised that I objected to her “greed” so vehemently because meeting your own needs was so far from my own experience. I’d grown up in a dysfunctional home and learned co-dependent behaviour before I’d learned the alphabet. I knew all about meeting the needs of others – always and even to my own detriment. And this young girl came into my life when my marriage to an alcoholic was at its most dysfunctional. No wonder I was so outraged by this person who so unashamedly took steps to fill her own hunger.

Recognising my own hunger, and then discovering ways of meeting my needs in a healthy way was the beginning of my own journey to wholeness and healing from the debilitating shadow life of co-dependency – but the catalyst was a young girl who made me so very, very, very angry!!!

I know now that was only because I had not yet learned that those who trigger my rage or fear are simply bringing me a gift – those parts of myself that have been held by the Shadow Self. I now know better – and find that such people don’t have to stay around that long anymore before I get it! That alone is reward enough for learning to love my shadow!!

By Claudia Davidson

Be my Valentine - by Claudia Davidson

2012-02-23T13:27:00.001+02:00

For many, Valentine’s Day – like Christmas Day – is not a day full of joy, flowers, love and laughter. Instead of surprises and delights, there is only a painful reminder of what is missing, what is unresolved and what is unhealed within. It is a day that marks the fact that our Other Half – the partner we hoped would make us whole - is not there or is not making us whole as we thought.

Much of our life is taken up with finding this Other Half. It is deeply imbedded in our culture and in our psyche. We only have to think of all the many popular myths and fairy tales which have as their main theme the finding of the destined partner. We follow the story with bated breath, as our Hero/Heroine faces daunting challenges, completes intimidating tasks, and overcomes frightening obstacles – all to find the one who is the mirror of their soul so they can live “ happily ever after”.

These myths and fairy tales hold such an attraction because they are also the stories of our own journey - our quest to fulfil a longing that lies deep within.

Carl Jung was the first psychologist to link these myths and fairy tales to our own ongoing search for inner completeness. Their power, he said, lay in the way they gave expression to the tasks and challenges that faced us on our personal journey to inner integration. However, he took this a step further – not only do we identify with the stories themselves, but, he said, all the characters that people these stories actually lie within us.

According to Jungian psychology, our lifetime task is to become reconciled with all these aspects of ourselves – by acknowledging them, learning from them and celebrating the strengths, insights and gifts they bring. Until we do, we will always feel incomplete. More importantly, we will keep seeking outside of us that which in reality lies within us. Women will keep looking for Prince Charming in the men around them - often coming away disappointed and disillusioned, sometimes hurt and shattered. In the same way men keep searching for their Princess in the women they encounter. They too often face the crushing reality that their partner is not the Princess that makes them feel whole and no matter how hard they try, she will just not be all sweetness and light.

How do we break out of this cycle of unrealistic expectations, unfulfilled longing and unresolved conflicts?

The answer is quite simple – we find the Prince or Princes within us. Sounds easy but the process is a challenging one. That’s the real message contained in the myths and fairy tales – this is an arduous, sometimes daunting task. No Prince or Princess is won without overcoming challenges, completing tasks and defeating dragons. But the rewards are great – at the end of our journey we do find that wholeness, that completeness, that sense of inner fulfilment that makes life meaningful and worthwhile. We are also more likely to find rich, satisfying and rewarding long term relationships.

So how do we go about finding the Prince or Princess within?

As with any journey, we first need to know where we are at. In practical terms this means taking a good hard look at all the relationships we have experienced with the opposite sex in our lives so far, beginning with Mom and Dad. Mom and Dad are important because they are our first pictures of what the King and Queen look like (which is what all Princes and Princesses are growing up to be!). This doesn’t have to involve years of psychotherapy (although some counselling may be helpful as we come to terms with past experiences) – we begin by simply acknowledging – honestly – what these relationships were like for us. How did Mom and Dad nurture or hurt me? How did they nurture and/or hurt each other? What about Mom and Dad made me feel loved, valued and cared for? What made me feel little, overwhelmed and powerless?

As we think through these issues it is important to remember that parents are people, not mythical Kings and Queens who are either completely good or wholly evil. People are a mixture of both – so while there may be aspects of Mom that hurt us, there will also be aspects of Mom that nurtured and helped us. Same with Dad – he may have done things that left us feeling rejected, hurt and overwhelmed, but there will also have be things that made us feel empowered, competent, valued and able.

The reason for including both Mom and Dad is because they both shape our early ideas of what our Ideal Prince or Princess should look like. Until we explore all that both our parents contributed to our inner world, we will find – often to our horror or despair – that our current relationships are merely reflecting past patterns. To break that cycle we need to be honest about the way things really were – the good and the not so good.

What’s important here is to simply draw our own personal map of the way things really were – the highs and the lows. This task is called acknowledging and it’s perhaps the most challenging of all the tasks we face. In myths and fairy tales this is often expressed as the hero/heroine being given a “sorting” task. Yes, it does feel scary and overwhelming and impossible but, as the stories remind us – once we commit to this task, helpers will come. They come in the form of caring counsellors, books, insights in the shower, conversations with trusted friends and/or personal journal writing.

Now that we have a clearer idea of where we are– we can extend our map to include the relationships with all those who have both attracted and repelled us. Each relationship will reflect back to us what we were not seeing or not yet ready to see at the time – what we were choosing to acknowledge and not acknowledge about ourselves and the relationship at that point in our journey. Once again the purpose here is simply to acknowledge what is on our personal map and we do this again by sorting – mapping out what worked for us, and what didn’t; where we felt nurtured and where we felt hurt; where we felt supported and where we felt abandoned and rejected – where we felt honoured and celebrated and where we felt diminished, shamed and less than.

However, we add one more layer to our processing – in addition to sifting and sorting, we now also look for patterns of similarities and differences. We look for all the ways our close relationships mirror the one we saw between our parents and we connect the dots between them.

We will often find that we have been drawn to and chosen partners that help us set up the kind of dynamic we grew up with. For example, a person coming from a home dominated by alcohol abuse will, for reasons they don’t fully understand, be drawn into relationships marked by addiction time and time again. We’re simply becoming the kind King and Queen we grew up with because that’s the only model we know.

However, as myths and fairy tales also tell us, all is not lost. There is hope – and that hope lies in transformation. The frog becomes the Handsome Prince, the ugly crone changes into the Beautiful Princess and the foolish child becomes wise.

While we cling to the idea that all this happens by the magical waving of a wand – if we read the stories more carefully, the moment of transformation comes after a process of “sifting and sorting”, a journey of some kind or the overcoming of a challenge. What we miss when we overlook these parts of the story is that it is in the very process of cleaning the hearth, wandering through the forest and spinning straw into gold that we ourselves are changed – we find new ways of being and so able to make different kinds of choices – the kinds of choices that see us connecting with people who nurture us and celebrate all we were destined to be.

Our process of transformation begins with the task of acknowledging – honestly – all that has happened to us and how it has shaped our thinking and behaviour – both the good stuff and the not so good stuff. The next part of the transformation process is to find the gifts in the not so good stuff. Because there are gifts – every witch has a magic potion she will hand over, every dragon guards a treasure beneath his tail, every monster stands in front of the pathway that leads to the prize we are seeking.

Everyone we are closely connected to brings a gift. It is easy to spot the gifts brought by those who nurture and celebrate us, but the gifts brought by those who have hurt and diminished us are less visible to our eyes. We don’t see them at the time, but they are there carefully tucked away beneath smelly clothes, under scaly tails and behind grotesque masks.

Our task is to find them. We do this by making peace with those aspects in ourselves that have been so fearful, frightening and unwelcome. We simply acknowledge they are there. “I see you,” is the moment things begin to change. And then we sit with them until we find the gift they hold. It is sometimes really helpful to have a companion for this task – which is all a counsellor really is – someone who will sit with you when you meet your dragons and monsters until you find the gifts they carry.

So perhaps the real challenge of this Valentine’s Day is – to be our own Valentine - to love ourselves enough to embark on our own journey of transformation.

Written by Claudia Davidson

Self Sabotage - by Victoria Hoban

2012-01-25T14:26:00.001+02:00

Are you your own worst enemy?

Sometimes it seems that life just keeps going wrong – it’s as though there is someone standing in your way at every turn. That person, may well be you.

‘I don’t know why I do it,’ says Anna, a 36-year-old freelance book editor, the disbelief etched on her face. ‘Every time I make inroads into a work project I do something completely stupid, that takes me back a few steps.’ Her most recent example of self-defeating behaviour? ‘I landed a plum freelance contract, and then found every possible reason not to meet the deadline. It was a real wake-up call when the project coordinator said the only real obstacle I faced was myself. The most confusing thing was that I was really enjoying the work.’

Your inner saboteur

Like many of us, Anna is all too familiar with her inner saboteur, that extraordinary part of our personalities that deliberately hampers, hinders and hijacks our attempts at success and happiness. This part of our psyche ‘is activated when we feel strong emotions, more often positive ones’, says Martha Beveridge author of Self-Sabotage (Grand Central). In other words, if you expect to experience difficulty, or rejection, or disappointment, and instead find yourself experiencing joy and happiness, it conflicts with your repressed expectation. ‘Becoming a saboteur is a way of dealing with that, and creating an outcome that doesn’t conflict with you negative beliefs,’ she explains.

These expectations are cultivated in our childhood years. Growing up, Anna’s emotionally-remote father paid her scant attention. ‘Although he was a successful academic, I got the impression from him that life was a constant let-down,’ she says. ‘He often spoke of disappointments and paths not taken, and always warned me against unbridled optimism. I seem to have inherited his defeatist attitude. So when life is going well, I tend to find ways to revert to type.’

Why do we do it?

According to Dr Colinda Linde, a Johannesburg psychologist, self-sabotaging behaviour clicks into place for a number of conflicting and complex reasons. Stress, anger, heightened emotion and evening drinking to much alcohol can unleash this dormant part of ourselves.

When others voice displeasure at our achievements, we may undermine our successes to avoid criticism.

‘Sometimes our inner saboteur is triggered when we’re scared of a situation,’ she explains. ‘We tell ourselves that it will never last so we choose to end it immediately while we still feel in control.’ Cape Town counsellor Michele Carelse adds that this behaviour often occurs when there is an uncomfortable discrepancy between what we would consciously like to do and what our subconscious fears and desires encourage us to do.

By way of illustration, Carelse tells the story of an intelligent young client who, a week before her wedding, had a one-night stand with her fiancé’s best friend. ‘Although on one level she wanted to be married and love her fiancé, on another level her subconscious fears of commitment and intimacy played a part in sabotaging a situation that was threatening to her,’ Carelse says. ‘A less complex example would be the woman who summons the courage to assert herself at work, but smiles and speaks in a ‘girly’ voice while doing so, rendering her message weak and ineffective.

Feeling unworthy

Other times, Linde says, we unleash our inner saboteur because we feel unworthy of work success, loving relationships, new friendships or financial good fortune. And, as we now know, this nagging sense of not being good enough is often rooted in childhood conditioning.

For instance, when a romance starts getting serious, Nadine will find ingenious ways to challenge her partner’s interest in her, until the relationship falters. ‘I don’t feel I deserve all the good things that happen to me,’ she explains. ‘Then, once I don’t have then anymore, I feel miserable and stressed and yet

-bizarrely- more comfortable with the situation.’ Often, says Durban clinical psychologist Michael Cassidy, self-sabotage occurs after a significantly good event. ‘It is often considered to be part of one’s conscience that is a bit sadistic and cruel, and does not think the person should have anything good in themselves or in their life,’ Cassidy says. ‘This is when the “I don’t deserve it” mentality comes into play.’

Dr Peter Hodson, a Cape Town Jungian analyst, points out that, as children, we construct a view of ourselves in order to create a sense of meaning and identity in the world. Negative influences can lead us to believe that we are failures, that we are powerless or that we are wronged. An unhappy or unsafe childhood can cause us to be wary of trusting others. Sabotaging our successes can be seen as a means of creating a safety zone, of controlling the rejection we feel we will not invariably receive.

Nadine admits that she clings to her childhood emotional zone of feeling undervalued and invisible. ‘My mother doted on my younger sister. She was the pretty one, the charming one. I was made to feel rather ordinary. I was never expected to amount to much.’

Fear of failure/success

Intriguingly, both our fear of failure and our fear of success can stir our self-sabotaging behaviour into action. When we fear falling short of our own (or others’) expectations it’s so much easier and safer simply not to leave a corporate job to strike out on your own, implement an ambitious health plan or invite a new friend around for supper. That way, we’re never disappointed. But being anxious about success, and the inevitable changes it brings, can be equally pernicious and limiting. ‘I’ve always been wary of inviting envy,’ says Priya, a 41-year-old food technician. ‘My stepsister was a problem child and never realized her full potential at school – or socially. ’As a youngster, not wanting to exacerbate an already difficult home life, Priya simply downplayed her own achievements. ‘As an adult, I’m still terrified people will think I’m showing off if I do well.’

When those around us voice displeasure at our achievements, we may undermine our successes to avoid their criticism or unease. This is when our inner saboteur is particularly active, preventing us from achieving success so we don’t have to face the subsequent pressure of delivering or performing. Or the discomfort of our friends, family and colleagues.

‘Success – and the change it brings – can be tremendously stressful,’ says Sebastian Bailey, a UK psychologist. When we think about committing to a new relationship, abandoning a toxic friendship or accepting a promotion at work, we move into the ‘change curve’ zone. After the initial ego boost or relief we start to think ‘this is serious’ and focus on what or how we will have to change. ‘At this point, we may start to behave in ways that will make that transition less likely to happen,’ Bailey points out. These self-destructive tactics needn’t be extreme. Seemingly innocuous behaviour, such as frequently losing our keys so that we’re late for work, blowing the budget on something unnecessary so we have to abort our holiday plans, or giving up on an exercise plan so we can continue bemoaning those extra kilograms, can be just as damaging to our goals. It keeps us in the emotional space to which we are accustomed.

The good news is that, once we are aware of our self-sabotaging behaviour, we can take steps to alter the way we operate.

Victoria Hoban; Psychologies Magazine June/July 2008; Issue No 8

The Mystery of Silence - by Malcolm Worsely

2012-01-10T15:47:00.001+02:00

Silence is a multi-faceted phenomenon. It is a form of communication, although not all silences are the same nor do they have the same meaning. The silence experienced by a deaf person is very different from the two minutes silence on a Commemorative occasion.

A silent loving hug is very different from the manipulative silence of marital disharmony. A silence of realisation in a counselling room is very different from the silence in a Library. The silence between the Lightning bolt and Thunder is very different from the silent gesture of a raised eyebrow. The silence of a spiritual retreat is very different from the silent railway carriage banning the use of mobile phones.

As I get older I am increasingly aware of the power of counselling to bring healing and hope for a variety of problems and to a wide ranging group of people. Yet the power within counselling remains something of a mystery. Body language can give us clues about how a person is experiencing the counselling process and the spoken responses an indication of their thinking. Yet even in Christian Counselling, we are never quite certain what God might be doing, yet we know that in the stillness and quietness of a therapeutic silence, something quite profound can be happening. In some parts of the wider and Universal Church these are sometimes referred to as Holy Mysteries. God moments, for which there is no tangible or obvious explanation, yet in the stillness of that moment, His presence is deeply apparent.

Silences in counselling have always intrigued me and I often wonder whether there is such a thing as absolute silence? By that I mean, not just a lack of sound but the complete absence of thought and activity too. Such is my fascination with silence that over the years I have collected a variety of quotes and sound bites, which you will find scattered throughout this article. Dictionary definitions, describe silence as; The condition or quality of being or keeping still and silent; The absence of sound; stillness. It isn’t surprising that most definitions of silence also include stillness. In Psalm 46 God tells us to, ‘Be still’, and in a book I read many years ago, I have this quote from Mother Teresa written down at the back of my Bible - We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature, trees, flowers, grass grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence. We need silence to be able to touch souls.

Yet I can remember a time in my own life when I found silences to be quite threatening, and often related to the acute loneliness I felt at the time. Silence to me then, meant the absence of family, friends, companionship and support. They were deep, painful silences, devoid of any meaning, value or sense of belonging. I suppose, looking back, what made these silences worse, was the total lack of empathy from those dealing with me. That lack of understanding made the silence seem deeper and darker and almost compelled me to lose myself and hide in my own internal shadows. I not only felt alone in my outer world, but in my inner world too.

There is a well-known American quotation; Silence is a text easy to misread. In family life, in the work place and in social situations I have my own collection of misread silences, all of them showing a complete lack, of both understanding and empathy! Yet in the counselling room, I have experienced, within the power of silence, that profound moment when words would have no meaning. Another quotation I wrote down was this one by Mark Twain; The Pause; that impressive silence, that eloquent silence which often achieves a desired affect where no combination of words, however so felicitous could accomplish it.

One of the more difficult aspects of counselling for me, has been in achieving accurate empathy within the stillness of silence. Sometimes within the Holy Mysteries of the church, amid all the flourish of denominational activity, it is in, ‘the still small voice’, where God’s revelation is heard and responded to. So it is in counselling. Many years ago I remember reading an analysis of one of Carl Roger’s counselling sessions, and was surprised by how much silence it contained – something like 60% of the session if my memory serves me right.

It spoke volumes to me about the level of empathy he was working at, and challenged me to strive for a higher skill base. Noting the age old saying of, ‘first do no harm’, I set about trying to understand empathy at a deeper level only to discover that I could not separate empathy from genuineness. So rather than starting to work at improving my empathy levels with other people, it seemed that the Lord was wanting me to start with myself! Isn’t it ironic how God uses all resources to get us moving in the right direction. I was reading through a booklet by Elisabeth Küblar-Ross, when I came across the following words; Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in life has a purpose!

I have often reflected on that moment. ‘Be still and know that I am God’. If I thought achieving a deeper level of accurate empathy was going to be difficult, testing my genuineness proved even more challenging. I discovered that I had many securities outside my faith in God, and that sometimes I needed them more than I needed God! I had my own internal laws and values, my own way of doing things. I had, ‘No Go’ areas and sets of rules that it was OK to compromise on. I was a judgemental mess! Yet in the stillness and quietness of the next few painful soul searching months, I learned that genuineness was more about inner honesty than inner perfection. It was about being the real me, being open, being honest, being sincere in all I did and said – being vulnerable, having the grace to show transparency.

The bench mark couldn’t have been higher, yet God gave all of us in the Philippi Trust the ground rules for good therapeutic relationships in the Philippi Charter, Philippians 2:1-5.

For me, the key to a good counselling process was not so much in trying to understand the emotion within the silence, but in trying to catch the changing emotions, and then staying with them on the counselling journey. Alfred Adler summarised empathy like this; Seeing with the eye of another, listening with the ears of another and feeling with the heart of another. Sometimes my empathic journey into the world of another person, encountered strange and challenging scenario’s.

I remember being invited to Northern Ireland to help with the counselling of Church leaders, one week after the Omagh Bombing in 1998. It was a profound and painful journey into a level of grief that I still struggle to fully comprehend. Carl Rogers, offers this reflection when he says: In some sense it means that you lay aside yourself and this can only be done by a person who is secure enough in himself that he knows he will not get lost in what may turn out to be the strange or bizarre world of the other, and can comfortably return to his own world when he wishes.

Standing on the Omagh Bridge, surrounded by wreaths and flowers, prior to beginning the first group counselling session, I was struck by the sheer weight of pain that was tangible in the atmosphere. Even in the sombre business of passing cars, lorries and buses, the silence was profound.

Yes, there was a stillness, and yes there was a silence, but it was a stillness and a silence in turmoil. There were fourteen ministers of all denominations united in their grief and bewilderment. They sat silently, heads bowed, the anguish clearly visible as they raised their heads to look up and I couldn’t think of a word to say to them. I felt completely out of my depth and there was a fear that I might even make matters worse. The silence in that room, although painful, had a unity to it and in the stillness there was a sense of mutual comfort. This was one of the silences that challenged me and increased my interest in the mystery of silence. I was confronted with Post Traumatic Stress and these Ministers needed an opportunity to, tell their story. Secular counselling was to be made available, yet convincing Northern Ireland Ministers that this would be the best route was the challenge. It seemed to question their belief in the sufficiency and supremacy of God. Yet they recognised that in the turmoil there were occasions when even the most devout Christians needed the services of the Fire Department, the Police and the Ambulance service. This was one of those occasions. Between them they had conducted the funeral services of twenty nine men, women and children and offered pastoral support and counselling to the extended families of all the victims and were still providing regular visits to the two hundred and twenty injured. In that room in Omagh, on that day, the silence was overwhelming. It was a profound silence, yet alive with Holy, comforting, healing activity.

I recognise too, that in recent years I have experienced that same bewildering silence on a global scale; the Twin Towers (2001) as well as the Tsunami’s in Indonesia (2004) and in Japan (March 2011). There was no place for words and no opportunity for action just a stunned silence that swept across many nations, and sometimes silence is all we have and all we need. It is one of the mysteries of the power of silence that remains with me, and still challenges me today. Negative silences can be cruel and destructive, yet within the power of a positive silence so much can be said without even speaking a word. It reminds me that when it comes to empathy, we have a God and Father who is not only in our world, but a living part of it and forever active within the silence of the moment. Be still and know . . . . . .

By Malcolm Worsley

HIV Origins - by Johan Obbes

2011-12-12T10:38:00.002+02:00

The Origin of HIV

Numerous theories exist where this virus came from. Some theories go as far as to say that it was a result of the United States who developed a biological weapon during the Viëtnam war. Other theories are more scientifically based like the theory that it might have been a virus (found in chimpanzees), which was mutated unintentionally, when a polio vaccine was developed in Central Africa in the late 1950’s. This mutation allowing for it to possibly cross from one kind of primate to another. At this point in the fight we can see from more research that HIV is a fairly new disease and thus probably also being the reason why it has not been detected in humans before the 20^th century. Billions of Rands have been spent on research of HIV & Aids, the care, counselling and treatment of those people who are affected and infected by the virus and not even mentioning the trauma and witch hunts which it has caused to vulnerable groups throughout the world.

Yet if the theories are true that us as humans were responsible for the creation of this Human Immunodeficiency Virus, then it will probably go down in history as the most expensive mistake humanity ever made. Renowned author Alta van Dyk explains this so well in her book “HIVAIDS Care & Counselling; A multidisciplinary approach”

This theory about the origin of the AIDS epidemic suggest that AIDS is not a new disease, but has been present for centuries in central Africa. It remained undetected only because of the lack of diagnostic facilities. The clinical symptoms of AIDS (such as fever and pneumonia) were ascribed to malaria and TB. The spread of HIV/AIDS was limited because there was little contact with outsiders, and it was introduced to the Western world only when international travel became more common.

One of the arguments against this theory is that modern testing of archived blood samples from Africa rarely shows any sign of HIV infection before the 1980s (Schoub, 1999:14). In tests carried out on these frozen blood samples, the earliest sample shown to be positive for HIV antibodies was taken in 1959 in Kinshasa in the then Belgian Congo. Also, doctors with many years of clinical experience in Africa deny that before the 1980s they ever saw diseases resembling the very obvious characteristics of AIDS. It seems that AIDS is indeed a new disease and that HIV was introduced into the human population in the 1950s.

The second theory about the origin of AIDS is that HIV crossed the species barrier from primates to humans at some time during the twentieth century (Korber, 2000). HIV is related to a virus called SIV or simian immunodeficiency virus, which is found in primates. There are a number of SIV strains and each strain is specific to the monkey species that it infects. For example, SIVagm infect the African green monkey, SIVmnd infects the mandrill ape, and SIVsm the sooty mangabey monkey (Schoub, 1999). Under natural conditions, each strain will infect only its own specific species of monkey and it will also not infect humans. HIV also cannot infect any animal other than humans, except under experimental laboratory conditions where infection can be induced in chimpanzees. Immunodeficiency viruses occur in other animals too, for example in cats, cattle, horses, sheep and goats, but natural infections with these viruses are also species-specific and will not spread to animals from other species.

Within the SIV group of viruses, SIVsm (the sooty mangabey virus) shows the closest relationship to an HIV strain, and specifically to HIV-2. It is interesting to note that HIV-2 is confined mostly to West Africa, which is also the natural habitat of the sooty mangabey monkey. However, the link between HIV-1 and SIV is not so clear. According to Schoub (1999:15)

...this missing link may have been discovered by the isolation of a virus from a captive chimpanzee in Gabon in 1989. The virus (called SIVcpz) is fare more closely related to HIV-1 than any other immunodeficiency virus, and it is also the only virus that possesses the same set of gene as HIV-1

Scientists still treat this finding with some reserve. This chimpanzee was a captive animal, and it is therefore possible that SIVcpz could be a human virus which for some unknown reason infect that particular chimpanzee.

The question still remains how simian viruses could have been transmitted from monkeys to humans. It is believed that the virus probably crossed from primates to humans when contaminated animal blood entered cuts on the hand of people who were butchering SIV-infected animals for food. Another possibility is that chimpanzee and monkey blood, which was used for malaria research long ago, could have been the conduit into the human species. There is also a theory that incriminates early oral polio vaccines as the source of SIV infection of humans with its subsequent mutation to HIV (Hooper, 1999). Early trials of oral polio vaccines in the late 1950’s were carried out by spraying prototype vaccines into the mouths and throats of several hundred thousand people in Rwanda, Zaïre and Burundi, precisely the early epicenter of the AIDS epidemic in Africa. Oral polio vaccines which contain a suspension of live vaccine strains of the polio virus, are produced on cell cultures derived from the kidneys of African green monkeys. It is believed by some that the vaccines could have been contaminated by SIVagm from the monkey kidneys at a time when vaccines were not tested for contaminating simian viruses. Theories like this cannot be confirmed and may cause untold harm to immunization programmes such as the global effort to eradicate polio.

In summary it can be said that the AIDS epidemic began in humans in the late seventies and early eighties, and that there were only a few isolated cases of AIDS-like diseases before then. Although the virus probably crossed the species barrier from primates to humans, it is impossible to say exactly how or when that happened. The initial spread of HIV was probably limited isolated communities in Africa who had little contact with the outside world, but various factors, such as migration, improved transportation networks, tourism, socio-economic instability, multiple sexual partners, prostitution, injecting drug use and an exchange of blood products, ultimately cause the virus to spread all over the world.

Conclusion

Although we claim the above as a theory, the fact that it is based on scientific facts makes it one of the most logical explanations for this disease. Often we hear the question “...but where did this disease come from...” in our counselling rooms, and the absence of the truth haunts us like the ghosts of those whom we could not save. If we were to be responsible for the start of this disease, then make sure that we end this disease not through more deaths but through offering people hope, with realistic encouragement, towards taking responsibility, for change and growth, leading to maturity and value, worth and peace.

Johan Obbes

References:

Van Dyk, 2008. HIVAIDS Care & Counselling; A Multidisciplinary Approach. 4^th Edn. 1(1): 6 – 7. Pearson Education South Africa

Schoub, B.D. 1999. AIDS and HIV in perspective. A guide to understanding the virus and its consequences, 2^nd edn. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

Hooper, E. 1999. The River. A journey back to the source of HIV and AIDS. Londen: Penguin.

Korber, B. February 2000. Timing the origin of the HIV-1 pandemic. Paper presented at the 7^th Annual Conference on Retroviruses and Opportunistic Infections, San Francisco.

Transactional Analysis - by Johan Obbes

2011-11-28T10:31:00.001+02:00

Transactional analysis, or more commonly known as TA, is an integrative approach to the theory of psychology and psychotherapy. Originally TA was developed by Canadian-born US psychiatrist, Eric Berne during the late 1950s but it became more famous with his book Games People Play in 1964. TA have always been seen as a down to earth and effective approach as it is integrative using elements of psychoanalytic, humanist and cognitive approaches which makes it easy to use not just for the therapist, but also for the client who needs a practical tool to take home and personally implement in their lives. In the Philippi Trust training material, TA is found in most of our courses and has proved its worth over and over again by giving students more insight into their own uncomfortable reactions to other people’s behaviour. It is also a technique which is used quite often in relationship or couples counselling.

Many people have wondered what goes on inside their personalities that they can think, feel and act so differently in differing situations? The question is often asked...what makes people tick? Transactional Analysis proposes an apparently simple explanation of why we behave as we do. Eric Berne suggested just as the human body has physical organs each with special functions, we could imagine that each personality also had ‘psychic organs’ which were the source of feelings, thoughts and behaviour. He called these EGO STATES and named them the PARENT, the ADULT and the CHILD. To represent this there is a simple three circle diagram. The three ego states has nothing to do with real life age, or life developmental stages. It is purely an emotional state which we have learned through years of repetition as the way to respond to our emotional needs.

A little child is primarily concerned with his own needs, wants and feelings, and behaves in a way aimed at expressing them and having them satisfied. Whether he likes it or not, each person retains within himself the child he once was. And so one part of our personality is called Child. When a grown-up feels like dancing for joy, bursts into tears, stamps angrily out of a meeting, manipulates others to get their own way, drives recklessly or feels sorry for themselves because they are ill, then that grown-up person is in their Child ego state.

When an infant is totally dependent on her parents, the only part of her personality available to her is her Child, but very soon that little girl will begin to take a share in looking after herself. Listen to a toddler playing. Watch her as she approaches the heater and says, “Don’t touch! Too hot!” , then looks up for her mother’s approval, or when she tries to force a biscuit in her dolls mouth and says, “Be a good girl and eat it all up”. That little girl’s Parent ego state is developing.

The Parent ego state is that part of us that looks after the Child within us and the Child within others. Gradually during childhood and adolescence a person’s natural parents hand over their role to the growing person until they become independent – able to “parent” themselves and others.

To make it easier to observe which behaviours fit into each ego state, the Parent and Child ego states are sometimes diagrammed as sub-divided. The divisions of the Parent are the NURTURING PARENT, and the CRITICAL (Controlling) PARENT.

Just as a good parent gives his child lots of loving care and attention, sets standards and boundaries on behaviour for the child’s safety (social as well as physical) and reprimands the child when they break the rules, so when the child grows up, their Parent ego state continues to function in this way for them and for others. When a man puts a loving arm around the shoulders of a colleague who has received bad news, when a student draws up a protest petition against unfair treatment towards a fellow student, when a women criticizes a neighbour for her dog’s behaviour, when someone is so scared of losing their authority that they defensively rejects everything which new committee members suggest, then these people are acting from their Parent ego state and looking after themselves or others. Unfortunately, when a person’s Parent is looking after the interests of their internal Child without trying at the same time to consider the interests of the Child ego states of others, the Parent often acts unwisely, unnecessarily over-indulging or hurting himself and others.

The third ego state is called the Adult. A little child can think things through for themselves, but because they don’t have much experience of life and cannot cope adequately with conceptual thinking, they will often arrive at a conclusion no adult would. The part of the personality that can handle ideas, come to conclusions, weigh up facts, act on decisions assess probabilities, compute, compile – the part which can think rationally and objectively in the here and now, is called the Adult. In many ways it can be a misleading term because in everyday life we use the word adult to mean mature or grown-up whereas, in Transactional Analysis, Adult used to denote the ego state does not have that exact meaning.

If we know all the facts and think them through objectively in a situation, then we are using the Adult ego state. So, when a boy counts his pocket money to see if he can afford a new rugby ball and reckons he will have to do some more chores around the house to earn money to have the right amount for the ball, he is using his Adult ego state.

There are two main styles of behaviour shown by the Child ego state, and these are labelled NATURAL CHILD and ADAPTED CHILD. When a person is in Natural Child, he or she reacts spontaneously and freely expresses whatever is being felt, whether that is fear, sorrow, joy, anger or whichever emotion appropriately fits that situation. Most of us are trained from early childhood, by example and by advice to keep our emotions under control – to put a face on things, not to let people see how we are really feeling. When we do this, we behave in a manner adapted to suit what we imagine other people’s expectations are. This is called being in the Adapted Child. If someone says something which offends us, instead of being open and expressing how we feel and finding out why they said what they did, we withdraw to lick our wounds in private and end up with resentment towards that person, which can destroy the relationship far more than the original statement.

We keep quiet and deny others the benefit of our contribution, because we think that we might make a fool of ourselves if we speak out in a group. Adapted Child behaviour tends to be the opposite of the child-like faith that takes risks and makes new and exciting discoveries.

A mature and well-balanced personality is able to feel, think and act appropriately in a situation, whether it calls for her being in the Child, Parent or Adult ego state(s). No one ego state is more the real person than any other. Each person needs all ego states ready and able to function. Our energy flows freely amongst them all, and we can choose to use them separately or together.

In ethical decision-making for instance, all three ego states are used. The Adult gathers all the facts available. The facts include the needs and feeling of the Child as the result of life’s experiences, together with all the information which the Parent has stored from past teaching of parents and other authority figures. These are considered alongside estimations of probable outcomes of several possible ways of behaving, and only then is the decision made about what is the truly loving thing to do in the given situation. A reaction based solely on what an individual wants (Child) or on what they think they ought to do because this is what they were taught to do (Parent) can be an irresponsible way of handling a situation.

The healing part lies in us slowing down in moments where we can analyze past reactions, and think through the consequences which it produced for us. Analysing patterns in our way of reacting to situations or people. A knowledge of the theory about ego states provides a tool for more successful handling of relationships. It can help us diagnose how we are coming across to others and how they are reacting to us. It can help us understand why we sometimes behave as we do. If the terms PARENT , ADULT and CHILD as used in Transactional Analyses become part of the shared language of a couple or a group, then the theory can help them towards more satisfactory ways of relating to each other.

Old destructive patterns of relating and behaving can be changed as awareness of them emerges.

Written and compiled by Johan Obbes

Reference: A tool for Christians; Jean C. Morrison; 1993

Mastering one's own emotions - by Anna Moore

2011-11-03T12:55:00.001+02:00

For the first two years of our marriage, my husband and I dealt with anger by having vicious arguments. Every few months, when we felt exhausted or overwhelmed or undermined, we’d scream, shout and swear. Then there was the bowl of curry threw across the kitchen. A few hours later, we’d have calmed down, talked it through, made up, apologized – it’s typical stuff.

Eight years – and two more children – on, this has stopped. At some point, the prospect of a blow – out seemed so tedious and tiring, we’d withdraw for a few days until the issue disappeared on its own. Now the sulking period has reduced from days to hours. Life is smooth. Perhaps we’re repressing our emotions, leaving too much unsaid and setting ourselves up for something nuclear, but I prefer to think that we’ve learnt to distinguish what’s important.

Managing our moods, keeping our emotions in check and not inflicting them on the people around, is one of the most important life skills. This doesn’t mean burying our feelings. ‘Our emotions serve a purpose in that they can communicate a lack of balance in our lives,’ says Cape Town clinical psychologist Diane Mallaby. ‘It’s important to identify the role of an emotion, and recognise how it affect our thoughts and behaviour.’ Some emotions, such as sadness or anxiety, can cause immense distress if not dealt with effectively and can result in unhelpful behaviour.

‘Worry can be crippling in that it reduces our ability to put things into perspective and to deal with situations in a proactive way, sometimes resulting in avoidant behaviours,’ Mallaby says. ‘Anger, if not addressed, can reduce our social inhibitory mechanism and lead to verbal, emotional or physical outbursts.’

Four years ago, Martha Newman found herself at the mercy of her sad and negative moods. ‘I was married with two children, but I had this huge sense of worthlessness, and felt I wasting my life. I knew my moods were a response to my circumstances – I was in a job I didn’t like, we had financial stresses and I just didn’t know what to do about it.’

What Martha felt was real: she was drifting. ‘But I’d also lost sight of the good things in my life, and my responsibility for my kids’ emotional well being,’ she says. It was another 18 months before Martha left her job and began to train for something – teaching – that engages and galvanises her. And she began factoring daily exercise into her life. ‘I took responsibility for changing,’ she says, ‘instead of feeling powerless.’

Identify the cause

Though we can’t stop a mood from coming on, we can control how long it stays. The first step is to realise that we have that power. ‘Some people make a great show of “honouring their feelings”, of being a slave to them, ‘ says Fiona Harrold, life coach and author of The Seven Rules of Success (Hodder Mobius). ‘I truly believe you can change your feelings in an instant. It’s important to notice what you feel – but the moment you notice it, do something about it, don’t dwell on it. Feelings are valuable only because they allow you to ask, “why do I feel like this?” Never wallow.’ Such self-awareness, according to Cape Town psychologist Anelle Naude-Lester, is the first building block in mood control. ‘We first need to acknowledge that we are experiencing emotion and be willing to understand what it means,’ she says. ‘Then we need to identify the feeling in order to make sense of it.’

While you are caught up in a mood, there needs to be a ‘second self’, a calm, dispassionate voice in your head that’s aware of what’s happening – even if it isn’t able to stop it. ‘This “second self” is able to help you evaluate the situation. Once you’ve caught the thought, you reappraise it. You challenge the original interpretation and then reframe it,’ explains Naude-Lester. ‘Anger is the emotion we find hardest to control,’ she says. ‘It’s triggered when we feel a threat – it could be physical, or a threat to our self-esteem. So replace “He swerved in front of me – how dare he” with “Maybe he didn’t see me, and no one is hurt”. Or perhaps you felt rejected: “My friend is ignoring me – she dislikes me” could be “My friend seems very wrapped up – I wonder if anything’s wrong?” Once you have changed your internal monologue to a more rational way of thinking, you need distraction.

‘Indulging your mood – like venting your rage or allowing yourself to wallow in self-pity when you’re sad – is not a good option,’ says Johannesburg psychologist Mercy Lebakeng. ‘If you’re feeling low, try not to mope around and isolate yourself from others. Rather focus on small, manageable steps that can lift your melancholic mood.’ A simple phone call to a friend who makes you laugh or time spent in the garden can make a world of difference. Likewise, if you’re angry, resist the urge to yell. According to a study by Diane Tice, a UK psychologist specializing in mood control, shouting is one of the worst reactions, as adrenalin continues to pump through your body, prolonging the rage. Only when the mood has passed should you judge whether the ‘trigger’ is worth coming back to and sorting out.

Learn to disengage

To pull yourself out of a mood, it can help to ‘act happy’. French psychologist Dr. Israel Waynbaum found that facial expression trigger specific brain neurotransmitters, which have a direct effect on mood. Even a fake smile produces hormones that stabilize your blood pressure, improve respiration and reduce pain. But, if rationalizing yourself out of a mood, or pasting a smile on your face when you feel like screeching, is not for you, then psychologist Linda Kantor, co-director of the Cape Town Mindfulness Clinic, advocates the Buddhist practice of mindfulness: you neither indulge your unwanted mood nor challenge it. ‘Instead, once you have made sense of what you’re feeling and why, you don’t battle with your thoughts or add to them,’ she explains. ‘You stay in the moment, notice thoughts and let them pass.

‘You may recognise that you feel angry or down – but you understand that, like everything, those emotions aren’t permanent. Instead, you accept, you feel and let it go.’

This article has been taken from the Psychologies Magazine, Media24 publishers, June/July 2008, by Anna Moore

Family Shame (Part 2) - by Johan Obbes

2011-10-05T15:43:00.004+02:00

As counsellors and therapists, it is vital to understand and recognize Family Shame in our clients, as it will contribute large to the challenge which our clients are going through. It is wise for us to know it’s symptoms and how it’s ripple effect which it has on adults and subsequently society.

In the article “Family Shame – Part 1” - Philippi Trust SA blog of 15^th September 2011 - , we saw that shame develops because of the dysfunctional interaction in our family of origin. Dysfunctional behaviour is passed on from one generation to the next without even knowing that it is dysfunctional. By no means is this article a name and blame approach, nor the avoidance of responsibility. In dissecting Family Shame we need to remember that each person, parent or sibling does the best job they can in raising or interacting with their fellow family members to the best of their ability with the most amount of tools available to them. As Abraham Lincoln said: If you were born where they were born, if you were taught what they were taught, you would believe what they believe.

We model our knowledge and experience onto the next generation, regardless whether it is healthy or unhealthy emotional behaviour. Rarely do we actually stop and analyze whether our upbringing had a degree of dysfunctionality to it. The point is that we believed that we did the best thing at the time. So breathe, rest and read further as all is not lost.

In our Family of Origin we grew up with various shame based actions, without even knowing it is incorrect. We learned not to really talk about what is going on in the family, when we did talk it was through unhealthy communication where we would encounter a cold shoulders, silent treatments, the mood swings, never knowing what to expect, being kept on the edge and our reactions often being dependent on that one family member’s behaviour.

Without knowing it we manipulated, guilt tripped, flattered and threatened our loved ones in getting them to do what we want. We internalized the messages which said that relationships are unreliable, that healthy emotional intimacy is either feared or had no concept of what it really felt like. Confusion and unrealistic expectations trained us to be ashamed of being children and having healthy needs. We learned to act like adults and always felt that children are either in the way, or need to achieve in order to be excepted by our families or society.

Decisions were made for us, from what to wear to what to believe. We were told not to cry so much, not to voice such ridiculous opinions or even interpret situations through our childlike filters.

The effects were disastrous. We internalized all these childhood messages by thinking “I am not ok as I am” ; “I should act like an adult regardless of the age I am”. We started to act in a way which we thought is the way we should act to be accepted, thus creating a false self identity. An identity whom we thought the world, our parents, our religions wants us to be. We started to live alongside ourselves not realizing that we are actually carrying a dormant true self within us. We started solving our problems by blaming others, always finding a scape goat to blame the problem on. The internalized messages created a false sense of self and safety that when we are “perfect”, “good”, “the achiever” or “blameless” then we are accepted. We became perfectionists and without realizing it played into the trap as perfectionism is not just admired and seeked after by employers...but it is also a clear sign of having family shame in the roots of our development.

Performance orientation screamed of that child who still felt that they need to earn love and acceptance. Legalism and embracing rules over relationships is still the foundations of many religions, even though very few will admit it. The more we could turn the attention away from our mistakes, the easier it was to hide that flawed self, hiding our shame which was sadly passed down to us from one generation to the next.

Growing silent for long periods of time as adults (prayer, meditation) becomes a torture as this would mean that we would then have to face the part of us that we wants to run from...our true selves. Yet this is where our healing lies. The uncovering of the true self, recognizing the unhealthy patterns of communications from our dysfunctional families. A strong relationship exists between Codependency and Family Shame. Codependency as mentioned in some of our previous articles are also a result of growing up in a dysfunctional environment, under a strict set of rules, not having the freedom to express oneself in an emotional healthy manner.

To help our clients to a place of sanity and healthy emotional functioning we need to help them see their own coping mechanisms or unhealthy patterns in how they express uncomfortable emotions and thoughts. Help them to see those aspects which were dysfunctional, and secretly contained in their family’s rules (spoken or unspoken), ways of communication, expression of thoughts, emotions and conduct.

The counsellor should be aware that this can be a very painful and shameful experience for the client and caution should be taken, as clients might become very defensive or overwhelmed by the amount of realization happening during therapy. Work with the client’s pace and remember the golden rule – do not remove a client’s coping mechanism before they are ready to give it away. Clients will be very protective of their families and see it as if being disloyal should they speak up about any unhealthy conduct in their family. Numerous times I hear clients say that they were repeatedly told “What happens in the family, stays in the family”.

Create a safe space for the client through counselling, build trust and show unconditional acceptance toward them. Remember that they already carry so much shame that you will be their first place where they can experience acceptance. Facilitate them in understanding that they have the right to express their emotions, thoughts and opinions regardless whether it makes sense or not but purely just because it belongs to them. Help the client to develop an emotional vocabulary. Once the client has a better emotional vocabulary you can help them to treat shame as a feeling. To recognize it, express it freely and to uncover the secrecy around the behaviour which brought on the shameful feeling.

Guide the client to track the shame to its roots. “Why are you feeling ashamed? Who have you disappointed? Who’s rules are you breaking? Someone else’s or your own?”

We help our client’s to self nurture, to realise their rights and own personal rules. Yet the best way to help them through this debilitating feeling of shame is to quote an extract from the book “Beyond Codependency” by Melodie Beattie

- Once we accept shame’s presence, find a way to make it disappear. Talk back to it. Get mad at it. Tell it to go away. Feel it intensely. Make friends with it. Let it go. Work Step Six and Step Seven of the Twelve Step program. Work Step Six by getting ready to have the shortcoming of shame removed, and work Step Seven by asking God to remove it. Handle it however it works for you, but continue with the course of action you choose, and let go of the shame feeling. -

Written by Johan Obbes

Family Shame (Part 1) - by Johan Obbes

2011-09-15T17:26:00.002+02:00

Shame has its roots in our childhood and its branches in our lives today. Shame is a form of control, a tool used by parents and societies probably since the beginning of time. Sometimes we become shame based because of what other did to us. Victims of abuse are often plagued by shame, even though they weren’t responsible for the inappropriate behaviour. It can hold us back, hold us down and keep us staring at our feet. We may not be able to label it but it is real and sadly also the trademark of dysfunctional families.

Shame can be found everywhere. It comes with addictive families where one or more people were addicted to alcohol, drugs, food, work, sex, religion or even gambling. It comes with families with problems, secrets and sometimes the shame of these secrets are passed down from one generation to the next, and unknowing to most people we don’t even know that shame is like fuel to the addictive fire...which in turn is multiplying our incidence of addiction. From tik to alcohol, eating disorders to sex addicts but the list goes on to where scary becomes shocking.

In Psychology we make the statement; Every family is a dysfunctional family, yet it is only the degree of dysfunctionality that changes. The question then arise; to which degree of dysfunctional does a family have to be, before it creates serious damage to a person? Or better yet, if families are so dysfunctional then how deep does the rabbit hole go into our society, and what ripple effect does this family shame have on our development as a human race.

Every family is like a system which consist of component parts or role players (father, mother, children, live in grandparents etc.) that has a specific position in the family. The peacemakers, the scape goats, the authoritarians etc. With each one being aware of what the other one’s role is, regardless of how dysfunctional that role is eg. “Timmy my youngest brother is probably guilty of the theft allegations as he always screw up, we are all use to it”or “Ag, my dad with bail me out of trouble, he always saves all of us”or “I need to smack these children a bit more around here to show them who is boss”or “I need to apologize for my mom’s drunk behaviour last night so that people don’t realise she has a drinking problem” Whether we rescue others, project our issues, avoid responsibility, persecute or play the victim...we all know our roles within this drama of dysfunction.

Apart from the roles we also find the rules in every family. Some of these rules are very clear but many are unspoken or only shown once we break it eg. “In this house we always eat at 6pm” or “When father have passed out drunk on the floor we have to take him to his bed, and not say anything about it the next morning”or “I am not allowed to wear a nose ring like my friends as father is the minister and he said that Christian girls who wear nose rings are slutty” or ”Daddy always shouts at us when he loses his temper but we are not allowed to raise our voices or say we are angry at him”. Sometimes we are not even aware of these roles or rules...regardless if it is healthy or unhealthy. Nor are we always aware that something in our family is wrong. The dysfunction and the drama is our sense of normal and we know nothing different.

Emotional detachment can be just as damaging to a child when a parent is there in body, but are emotionally absent. We model what we see-in our families and the way our parents model intimacy (healthy or even the lack of intimacy) is very much the picture which we internalize of how we should see ourselves. “Don’t trust other people”, “I'm not worthy of being loved” or “I am only accepted when I do something for my parents”. We are loyal to our family and will protect every secret as if it is gold, until sadly the cracks start to show when one of the family members are removed from the family (death, divorce, moving away) and the family dynamics change. With the dynamics that change, our roles now change and so does our identities within the family. The actors in the drama have changed, shame and dysfunction have been the glue that kept us together yet now we fall apart.

With the dark passenger of shame in our lives we become vulnerable to be controlled by other people through our areas of shame. That’s what shame is – a tool for controlling behaviour. The thought of people disapproving of us – casting the spell – can become enough to stop us. Shame can almost paralyze us.

To now understand what shame is we need to look at how we can prevent it, or even treat it as a therapist. Another aspect which we so often forget is how history plays a role in our development. With every war, with every natural disaster, every revolution and even our well known apartheid we find the battle field scattered with people suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which in turn has a one symptom that is fuel on the fire in creating shame and dysfunctional families. The inability to be emotionally present! The sufferer of PTSD’s ability to give and receive healthy intimacy has been shut down in order for them to survive, yet they have a role in a family and what they model will be imitated by their children, who would only continue the legacy of emotional detachment.

The positive side to this is that through therapy and a growing self awareness, it is possible to overcome the effects of shame, reducing the duplication of it into the next generation. The first step however is always, to be aware of the problem can help solving the problem.

Please see our next blog article to read more about how we can treat Family Shame and its effects.

Exerts from this article has been taken from the book “Beyond Codependency” – Melodie Beattie

Article Written by Johan Obbes

A place called "Home" - by Pinky Pitolo

2011-09-01T17:33:00.002+02:00

‘…….but there’s good memories that are still there until today…and that is my place where I grew up, a place called “home”.’

I’m coming from a very disadvantaged background, poor, with lots of suffering, we were about 25 in one big house, 10 adults and 15 of us (kids) and sometimes we would get to twenty kids. I grew up with low self‐esteem. I would often find myself lost in the middle of these kids, as most of them grew up with their parents whilst myself and my siblings didn’t, as our mother was away all the time to work for us to be fed, clothed and be able to go to school(by the way, I was raised by a single parent). It wasn’t all bad. We had our fun times as kids in the midst of all the abuse. I received all the way, especially physical & emotional abuse which were part of me (you know when you become despondent?...that’s the feeling), with the feelings of rejection (both overt & covert rejection) but there’s good memories that are still there until today…and that is my place where I grew up, a place called “home”. Enough about that, that’s not the reason why I write this story today, when I issue my first book about my journey through life, you can hear a lot more about me…watch this space wena!!!

‘I came to Cape Town with anger, bitterness, full of revenge…….’

My journey with Philippi Trust SA? That’s the reason why I’m writing this story today, my walk with

Philippi. After my mom died in 1998, , and my aim was to get hold of a fire arm, as I heard in the cape children play with them (zidlal’abantwana), meaning they are easily accessible, so I can kill my mom’s murderers. I didn’t realize God was busy with my life. I looked for jobs, as I had to look after my little girl, Asanda. I submitted CV’s everywhere (you know what I mean…everywhere) in desperation, folks! I would bargain with God now & again…you know mos, “please God, I will make sure I…” but never do so. I would go for interviews now and then, also went for a shot course on “Attitude at the workplace” that taught me very good information on how one should come across and relate with colleagues, how to dress up for interviews, present yourself at work, including delivering your speech etc. Now & again I would bump into agencies with forms and fill in and tick every job opportunity, housekeeping, clerk, office admin, restaurants etc, tick, tick, tick. One day I received a phone call for interview, imagine how I jumped around with joy (bear in mind, in my understanding interview is not applicable for domestic workers), and I dressed up like I was taught at that course, black skirt, not too short, not too long, black jacket, my gold silk shirt, black shoes and shiny stockings on my legs(not too high or too flat)…I mean ‘hello’… that’s Pinky, to my surprise there comes a woman, ‘umlungu’ in pyjamas to fetch me and ‘hoops’ to a mansion

house…flip I’m in for scrubbing madam’s house, cried the rest of the evening but went back anyway.

‘a woman, ‘umlungu’ in pyjamas to fetch me and ‘hoops’ to a mansion house….’

I worked as a domestic worker for three and a half years, which I met Linda Cousin as madam as well, beginning of the year 1999. End of the year 1999 Linda Cousins introduced me to Chantal Philander and Linda Rowett whom they were her friends and colleagues/bosses. Now and again as we meet I would then share my life story with them, not knowing I was with the counselors, the only thing I would hear was ‘Mmm, Aha’. In between this time when Linda is at work I would see a lady dropping off her kids, very brief, smiling always and rushing all the time, the only thing I heard from her was ‘Hello…bye’. Anyway…her name is Christine Tatt, that’s how I met her the first time. One day Chantal said to me ‘there’s so much in you’ of which I didn’t understand this lady…those of you that knows Chantal understand what I mean, and Linda Rowett on the side ‘Mmm’ (that was their language ‘Mmm, aha’ that I couldn’t understand). In the year 2000, Chantal and Linda Rowett sponsored me a Certificate in counselling (level 1) where Chantal taught that course, and again in 2001 they sponsored me the HIV/Aids in Counselling course where Chantal trained us with, a day or two where she invited Mpumi Dirwayi to help her. After these two courses I felt alive, not realizing I was dead anyway. It was a big thing to carry the Philippi manual coverless without putting it in a bag in my community where ‘counseling’ was a Greek word. In 2002 I was called in a meeting by Chantal, the two Lindas & Christine, and they approached me to start working for Philippi some days. Philippi office was the wendy house in Linda Rowett’s yard. I was so thrilled…didn’t see any wrong in that. I started working for Philippi as a receptionist and a cleaner for 2 days, volunteer other 2 days, still worked for Linda one day. My salary was R630 per month for a year then went up to R850. In the meantime, I was so happy; clothes were cheap, food etc. Sometimes I would get a box of grapes from these ladies. There’s been food all the time in their house. Later in the year I met Malcolm Worsely, the founder of Philippi, very humbled man of God, a friend to everyone he meets. I was doing multi task jobs in the office, when there’s no phone ringing; I would do some cleaning, tea lady as well. In 2003 Philippi Trust SA was blessed by the Alexandra building then on the 01 August 2003 we moved our offices. Dennis Beeselaar joined the team as the Director of Philippi Trust.It was so cool to see the Trustee chairperson (Marion du Plessis) cleaning the windows together with Christine and myself, whilst Chantal & Linda do counseling and training. In 2004 we were trained in psychosocial support by Marianne Olivier from Namibia, started implementing camps for orphans and vulnerable children, working with kids from the ages 6 – 18. What an experience. I gained more experience until I could manage a camp on my own.

In 2004/2005 Daniela Fredericks came on board. It was nice to have someone to ‘skinder’ with, a buddy, very friendly, likeable, very down to earth person that fit very well with us. She carried training together with other trainers. In 2006 I was trained in becoming a trainer by Daniela and Chantal. Daniela and Chantal are the two people that spiced up my career as a trainer/facilitator but I am a total different trainer from the two of them. With all my days at Philippi, I have grown in lots of areas. We have our fun as a team, we do hurt one another as well, and pick up as a team, because we have one purpose only… to serve to make a difference. Philippi taught me to allow myself to be human and fall but be able to bounce back and face the life’s boiling water.

‘be able to bounce back and face the life’s boiling water…’

That’s my journey with Philippi Trust SA. That is my place of learning, growth, success in all my aspects of daily living and functioning in the workplace. Philippi is not just a workplace; it is “A place called home” for me.

Article Written by Pinky Pitolo

Rape, a crime against humanity - by Johan Obbes

2011-08-17T10:14:00.002+02:00

What are women’s rights and freedoms claimed for women and girls of all ages in many societies?
Many times we hear certain phrases used in daily conversations, that we begin to experience a saturation of the impact or severity of its meaning. Women’s rights are one of these phrases.

In the year 2011, we as South Africans can be proud to say that we have one of the most inclusive and progressive constitutions in the world, and that the majority of all vulnerable groups in our country are protected by our laws. Yet simply having a law as protection for a vulnerable collective group of people, does not always ensure that this law will be enforced correctly or even serve its purpose to protect them. We can even go as far as to say that whenever there is power…there might be an abuse of that power. Perhaps not with every person in power, yet we need no evidence to see that abuse usually happens when someone or a collective group of people use that power to create an “in and out” group, when power is used to separate instead of integrate. For centuries, women had very few, if any rights and every small victory for women’s rights has not gone without the bloodshed and sacrifice of a human being somewhere in the world. Today in Africa we still find women being discriminated against by their own spouses, families, governments, cultures and countries laws.

The long walk to freedom

Where does the term human rights come from? 17th century natural law philosophers in the West, developed the theory of natural rights. Back in the day many of these philosophers defended slavery and an inferior status of women in law. A group of people was known as the “Natural law philosophers” who argued that natural rights where not derived from god, but were "universal, self-evident, and intuitive", a law that could be found in nature. They believed that natural rights were allocated only to men who lived (according to them) "in the highest form of society". Thus, natural rights were something found in the nature of men and this saw the first movement of “rights” not as human rights but as “natural rights”.

Yet in Greece some philosophers reasoned that human nature depended on gender, ethnic, and other qualifications and thus came to regard women along with children, slaves and non-whites, as neither "rational" nor "civilised" thus not valuing them as human beings worthy of rights. They claimed the inferior status of women was common sense. They believed that women could not be treated as equal due to their inner nature as women.

Thankfully the changes brought about by philosophers such as William Wilberforce and Charles Spurgeon, who argued for the abolition of slavery and advocated for women to have rights equal to that of men, paved the way for women to be seen as equal human beings in the eyes of the law, and the term “natural rights” became “human rights”.

In 1946 the United Nations established a Commission on the Status of Women which serves as an international forum for women's rights, which serves a commitment to achieve gender equality and the empowerment of women. Yet having this amazing commission in place, to ensure the rights of women after the Second World War proved to be hopeful in the fight for women’s rights, still we cannot forget how the Second World War saw one of the worst crimes against humanity with millions of Jews dying in the Holocaust.

The question is then asked, with such amazing laws and commissions in place to protect women, is it really worth having a month dedicated to women’s rights? Is the problem really bigger than any of the other challenges which we face in the world?

From 1945 we moved to 1994, only to see another shattering crime against humanity where nearly 800 000 Tutsi indigenous members were murdered in Rwanda by members of the Hutu indigenous group.

An International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda was established by the United Nations and discovered incidences of the most horrific rape known to mankind, as element of the crime of genocide. The Trial Chamber held that rape, and sexual assault formed an integral part of the process of destroying the Tutsi ethnic group and that the rape was systematic and had been perpetrated against Tutsi women only, manifesting the specific intent required for those acts to constitute genocide.

From the stories heard by the tribunal afterwards it was clear; “From time, rape has been regarded as spoils of war. Now it will be considered a war crime. We want to send out a strong message that rape is no longer a trophy of war.” An estimated 500,000 women were raped during the 1994 Rwandan Genocide.

Today we are celebrating Women’s month in South Africa, with widespread media visibility, advocacy and lobbying for harsher punishment on perpetrators who abuse women, or in some cases…even just the implementation of these rights to be taken seriously. The question then still remains, why do we as the human race still discriminate against another human being if we are all humans. Why do this to another human being who is our equal?

What makes us think that one human being has the right to exclusivity in deciding who is inferior to whom?! Which brings me back to the question – “Is it really worth it to have a month dedicated to women’s rights”

As a human being I expect all MY rights to be respected and enforced. How is this different to expecting the same for any other human being especially a vulnerable group of people. Whether it is the Holocaust, Rwandan genocide or rape, it is all a crime against humanity.

Article Written by Johan Obbes

Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS) - by Johan Obbes

2011-08-01T17:05:00.002+02:00

Every day we as counsellors hear some of the most heart breaking stories in our counselling rooms. Most of these painful experiences has never been told to another human being, and regardless of whether the person felt they are going against their own sense of right or wrong, many women who have had an abortion are not able to identify, much less grieve their loss. Today I want to dedicate this article to the amazing women who had the courage to open their hearts and share their pain, shame and very difficult journey with me on how they lived through an abortion.

The topic of Post Abortion Stress Syndrome brings about great controversy among pro-life and pro-choice groups everywhere. In fact, there is still much debate regarding whether this problem actually exists, as some fear this may only be a syndrome invented by pro-life groups in an attempt to hinder further abortions; others claim they themselves have experienced this problem. Still, other groups of people recognize PASS as a problem but believe it is very rare and mention that giving up a child for adoption would seem to be more traumatic than a typical abortion.

This article is not on the topic of pro-life or pro-choice, but is a highlight on the fact that we as counsellors meet our clients where they are at. We as counsellors do not judge, and NEVER force our opinions or belief systems on any client, yet we need to be prepared with empathy and respect to our clients for whatever experience might present itself in our counselling sessions.

The term Post Abortion Stress Syndrome is not known by a lot of people, yet I have seen the damage this can do to a women who was coerced into termination her pregnancy. Post-Abortion Stress Syndrome, abbreviated as PAS or PASS is a form of trauma which can occur in a women after she has had an abortion. It has also been called post traumatic abortion syndrome. Many women experience brief feelings of sadness or guilt after having an abortion. Women with PASS experience these feelings for a long period of time, and some even struggle with it for years after the abortion. These symptoms also often interrupt their everyday lives and can lead to more severe symptoms. This disorder is often compared to post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a disorder which is often noticed in military veterans and survivors of traumatic events, and the symptoms of these two disorders are very similar . (See the article on our blog for the 5^th May 2011 on PTSD)

To date I have seen from personal experience that clients who suffered the most from PASS were the ones who was coerced into having an abortion. I find that some women were more susceptible to PASS and aspects which highlighted a pattern for me in various women who suffered from it were those who:

- Felt pressured into termination the pregnancy

- Did not consider many different choices

- Has strong religious views

- Did not have her baby because it would have a birth defect

- Did not receive counselling before or after the abortion

- Was not well informed about the abortion

- Recognizes that a fetus is a human

- Rushed and did not give her decision much thought

Symptoms of PASS may not occur immediately after one has had an abortion. In many cases, numbness will overcome a women and the feelings of an abortion will be held back for months or even years. Some women however can live their entire lives and feel perfectly fine after having an abortion. Triggers which may initiate PASS in a women after having an abortion include seeing another pregnant women, certain smells or sounds, marriage, or the anniversary date of the abortion.

Who have had an abortion often feel uncomfortable or ashamed to talk about their experience and thus never seek trauma treatment. These women deserve to find recovery, instead of suffering in loneliness. Symptoms of PASS are often very difficult to manage and can involve a variety of risky behaviours. Intensity of these symptoms varies from person to person and symptoms include:

- Guilt feelings

- Inability to function normal at school or work

- Nightmares, panic attacks, anxiety

- Thoughts of suicide, self harm or suicide attempts

- Sudden phobias (pre-existing phobias can also escalate after the abortion)

- Poor quality of sleep

- Increase in dangerous and/or unhealthy activities (Drug and alcohol abuse, anorexia/bulimia/compulsive overeating, cutting or risk taking behaviours)

- Irritability, numbness, flashbacks

- Relationship complications

- Constant crying

- A desire to immediately get pregnant and “replace” the baby that was aborted, even when all the circumstances that led her to terminate the pregnancy the first time are still in place.

- Overprotective of future children

- Depression that is stronger than just a little “sadness or blues”

- Inability to function around babies or pregnant women

- Codependence and Inability to make decisions or perform normal self-care activities

Relief is the most common reaction immediately following an abortion. But as time goes on, you may have trouble dealing with the loss you feel. One of the most difficult challenges in the grieving process is that you have no external evidence that you baby ever existed – no pictures no memorabilia. You may not believe that you have the right to grieve the loss that you “chose” to suffer.

Whatever the reasons to the sufferer, we as counsellors need to remember that we are here to help our clients to process through the emotions. We are not here to judge in any way. We are here to facilitate the process of healing and help our clients to come to that place again of peace with themselves, others and God.

Written by Johan Obbes - Exerts have been taken from Wikipedia.org

HIV Stigma and Discrimination - by Johan Obbes

2011-07-18T16:22:00.002+02:00

A huge part of the South African government’s new ACTS program which is to replace the current Voluntary Counselling and Testing system, will address one of the biggest obstacles in our fight against HIV/Aids…Stigma and Discrimination. This makes us think, how many times do we actually create a system which actually contributes to the very problem it is meant to curb.

It is so easy for us to create an in-group and an out-group in every sector of life, religion, culture, language, sexuality, race and illness, yet we don’t always realise that this classification of groups are the very thing that breeds stigma. Currently HIV testing is associated with clients going into a specific demarcated room in most clinics and hospitals, which highlights the question – Why do we separate HIV testing from other screening tests? It is in fact just another chronic disease!

AIDS-related stigma and discrimination remain the greatest obstacles to people living with HIV infection or AIDS. Stigma and discrimination increase people’s vulnerability, isolate them, deprive them of their human rights, care and support, and worsen the impact of infection. Stigma and concerns about discrimination are the main reason why people do not come forward to have an HIV test, to access antiretroviral drugs, to adopt safe feeding methods for their babies, or to change high-risk sexual behaviour.

But stigma and discrimination do not arise in a vacuum. They emerge from and reinforce other stereotypes, prejudices and social inequalities relating to gender, nationality, ethnicity and sexuality. They also feed into activities that are criminalised such as sex work, drug use or even sex between men. “Stigma, discrimination and human rights violations form a vicious circle, legitimising and spurring each other” (UNAIDS, 2002:67):

The following efforts should be implemented worldwide to fight stigma and discrimination (UNAIDS 2002:67).

- Leaders at all levels and in all walks of life should be encouraged to visibly challenge and act against the many forms of HIV-related discrimination and to spearhead public action.

- People living with HIV/AIDS should be actively involved in the response to the epidemic.

- Violations of human rights should be monitored, people should be able to challenge discrimination, and institutions should be designed to safeguard human rights.

- Governments should take urgent action to protect women’s property and inheritance rights, and to protect children against sexual exploitation.

- A legal environment able to support the fight against discrimination should be created.

- Prevention and treatment, care and support services should be accessible to all.

By showing their own support and responsibility to care for all people, regardless of their health or social status, health care professionals can act as role models for others in helping to combat stigma, discrimination and the isolation of people living with HIV/Aids. Prevention strategies will become far more successful if and when HIV is treated like any other disease, and when people feel safe to be open about their HIV status. However, health care professionals can become advocates for acceptance and care only if they look inward and first examine their own beliefs, values, assumptions and attitudes towards HIV/Aids This can be done individually or in groups by asking and reflecting on the following questions (WHO, 2000a:6-5)

- What fears of misunderstandings do I have?

- How might these fears or misunderstandings affect my work?

- Where do these fears or misunderstandings come from?

- How can I overcome these fears or misunderstandings in order to provide care, support, counselling, education, and advice in the prevention and care of HIV/Aids?

- What influence do I have on others who care for people infected and affected by HIV/Aids?

- What is my role in providing and promoting safe, moral and ethical care to people living with HIV and their loved ones, caregivers and communities?

Health care professionals should also think about and listen to the “language” they use when they speak: prejudiced language may alienate them from their target group. While saying “He caught AIDS” and “He has AIDS” may mean the same thing, the first sentence is loaded with negative meanings that betray the implicit attitudes of the speaker. (Such negative meaning may be that AIDS is something over which we the, innocent, have no control, something that we “catch” from “them” – the contaminated “others”.) People often say “He is HIV” instead of “He is HIV positive”. A sentence constructed like this implies an identity with the virus, i.e. the person is the virus, instead of the person has the virus.

AIDS educators should always be careful not to use sexist language. Always to refer to he and him in the context of HIV/Aids may imply that men are always the “guilty” party. Victimising language should also be avoided. “She suffers from AIDS” one should rather say “She lives with AIDS” or “She is HIV positive”. Rather than referring to “rape victims” use positive language and refer instead to “rape survivors”. Be careful not to fall in the trap of using prejudiced or discriminatory language. If you refer to people with HIV infection as “those people”, you are clearly dividing the world into two groups: the innocent, healthy us, and the guilty diseased them.

While we all sometimes thing in terms of stereotypes, we should make every effort to be aware of our own stereotypes so that we can root them out and thus avoid offending others and hurting feelings. If we interact with members of a stereotyped group, we will quickly learn to recognise our own prejudices and eliminate them. The irrational and often exaggerated fears associated with HIV/Aids can be directly addressed through educational programmes base on sound medical, social and psychological knowledge. To be successful, such programmes must be sustained and supported over time. Prevention strategies will continue to be compromised if fear, ignorance, intolerance and discrimination against HIV-positive people persist. Health care professionals have a responsibility to help “normalise” HIV in the communities where they work so that modes of transmission and prevention can be addressed without the emotional and attitudinal values that are currently getting in the way of open dialogue. Counsellors and other health care professionals should not only advocate for Universal Precautions, but also for universal tolerance and knowledge about HIV/Aids.

Having said all this, we should challenge ourselves with some introspection by asking – How much do I really know about HIV/Aids? Or better yet – Am I contributing to the stigma or am I contributing to the solution?

Written by Johan Obbes - Exerts from this article was taken from 'HIVAIDS Care & Counselling, A multidisciplinary Approach; Alta van Dyk, Fourth Edition'

True Self vs. False Self - by Johan Obbes

2011-07-08T10:27:00.002+02:00

Many neurologists, philosophers, and everyday people propose that we each have a self. There has been rich and raucous debate across centuries and cultures about what that is.

In various religions we find quite a discussion on the concept of the True Self versus the False Self, yet many of us hear these terminologies but don’t fully comprehend that it is not something that is exclusive to religious settings but also something which we use in Psychology & Counselling and an awareness development (both in ourselves and our clients) which can be very useful in our therapy rooms.

Lao Tzu, in his Tao Te Ching, says "Knowing others is wisdom. Knowing the self is enlightenment. Mastering others requires force. Mastering the self requires strength”.

The question then presents itself; what is the True Self and what is the False Self?

The philosophy around the two was probably made known by Donald Woods Winnicott (7 April 1896–28 January 1971), an English pediatrician and psychoanalyst who was especially influential in the field of object relations theory. “We were taught in this society - as in any codependent culture - to look outside to define ourselves and give us a feeling of worth. We have worth if we are better than others. We are validated in comparison to others, for being: smarter than, richer than, prettier than, more talented than, having better grades than, etc., etc. This empowers the illusion of separation and feeds the fear of not being good enough. “

The False Self, refers to certain types of false personalities that develop as the result of early and repeated environmental failure, with the result that the true self-potential is not realized, but hidden. This idea appears in many papers and is fully presented in "The theory of infant-parent relationship" (Winnicott, 1965).

The False Self many a times are then strengthened by the repetitive messages which we receive from our cultures, families, religions or other environments where the messages of “to be good enough you have to conform to XYZ” sometimes swim around us like piranhas in the Amazon.

When repeated traumas occur very early in development, the infant experiences extreme dread or primitive agony, and psychosis may result. To such a parent, who fails to meet the infant's gesture and substitutes one of their own, the older and more integrated infant responds in a compliant fashion. In this way the infant may develop a false self that builds up a set of relationships based on compliance or even imitation, the potential true self being unrealized and hidden.

If our early-childhood nurturing is enough, we seem to automatically develop a personality subself which acts like a naturally-talented orchestra leader, athletic coach, or chairperson. This subself has clear, realistic wide-angle, long-range vision. S/He consistently makes healthy, balanced minor and major decisions based on the dynamic input of our basic senses.

In this best case, our complex evolving network of neural computers is directed and coordinated each moment by this highly-skilled true Self (capital S). When that happens, children and adults report feeling a mix of grounded, calm, purposeful, focused, optimistic, strong, up, content, alert, aware, alive, resilient, centered, resilient, secure, potent, and compassionate. Remember the last time you felt a blend of these?

Enter the (Protective) False (Pseudo) Self

But... if very young children experience significant lack of holistic nurturing their personalities (brains) seem to develop a different kind of self (small s). Their true Self seems or blocked from developing and directing their actions by other well-meaning but limited, impulsive and personality subselves who want to run the show.

False-self formation and dominance is normal, widespread, and promotes survival vs. growth. It's like a distrustful, disgruntled violinist, tuba player, and lead tenor pushing their talented conductor off the podium and fighting over who will lead the orchestra.

We tend to think that we are the same person we were five years ago. Though we have changed in many respects, the same person appears present as was present then. We might start thinking about which features can be changed without changing the underlying self. Some philosophers and psychologists denies that there is a distinction between the various features of a person and the mysterious self that supposedly bears those features. When we start introspecting, we are never intimately conscious of anything but a particular perception; man is a bundle or collection of different perceptions which succeed one another with an inconceivable rapidity and are in perpetual flux and movement.

In conclusion I think that this a topic which can be processed over and over in our minds, speculated about and researched in more depth. The journey will eventually then lead us to the point of how deep does the rabbit hole go? Personally I think that as with all personal growth journeys the first point will be the awareness. Becoming aware of a false self in us, will help us in the search for that ever elusive True Self.

Article Written by Johan Obbes

Codependency (Part 2) - by Johan Obbes

2011-06-30T16:07:00.002+02:00

Codependency and narcissism

Narcissists, with their ability to get others to buy into their vision and help them make it a reality, are natural magnets for the co-dependent ... with the tendency to put other's needs before their own. Sam Vaknin considered that co-dependents, as the Watsons of this world, provide the narcissist with an obsequious, unthreatening audience ... the perfect backdrop. Among the reciprocally locking interactions of the pair, are the way the narcissist has an overpowering need to feel important and special, and the co-dependent has a strong need to help others feel that way. ... The narcissist overdoes self-caring and demands it from others, while the co-dependent under does or may even do almost no self-caring.

In psychoanalytic terms, the narcissist who manifests such omnipotent behaviour and who seems to be especially independent exerts an especially fascinating effect on all ... dependent persons ... who struggle to participate in the omnipotent narcissist's power: narcissist and codependent participate together in a form of an ego-defense system called projective identification.

Rappoport identifies co-dependents of narcissists as co-narcissists: the codependent narcissist gives up his or her own needs to feed and fuel the needs of the other.

Inverted narcissists

Vaknin—a self-help author who openly discusses his experiences as a person with narcissistic personality disorder—has identified a special sub-class of such co-dependents as inverted narcissists. If you live with a narcissist, have a relationship with one, are married to one, work with a narcissist etc. – it does NOT mean that you are an inverted narcissist...you must CRAVE to be in a relationship with a narcissist.

Inverted or covert narcissists are people who are "intensely attuned to others' needs, but only in so far as it relates to their own need to perform the requisite sacrifice"—an inverted narcissist, who ensures that with compulsive care-giving, supplies of gratitude, love and attention will always be readily available ... pseudo-saintly. Vaknin considered that the inverted narcissist is a person who grew up enthralled by the narcissistic parent ... the child becomes a masterful provider of Narcissistic Supply, a perfect match to the parent's personality.

In everyday life, the inverted narcissist demands anonymity ... uncomfortable with any attention being paid to him ... with praise that cannot be deflected. Recovery means the ability to recognize the self-destructive elements in one's character structure, and to "develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself.

Recovery

There are various recovery paths for individuals who struggle with codependency.

For example, some may choose behavioral psychotherapy, sometimes accompanied by chemical therapy for accompanying depression.

There also exist support groups for codependency, such as Celebrate Recovery a Christian, Bible-based group, Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) and Al-Anon/Alateen, Nar-Anon, and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA), which are based on the twelve-step program model of Alcoholics Anonymous. Although the term codependency originated outside of twelve-step groups, it is now a common concept in many of them.

Often an important result of a Family Intervention is to highlight codependent behaviors of various family members. This is sometimes a great help in encouraging the codependent person to accept help.

Harmful effects of unaddressed codependency

Unresolved patterns of codependency can lead to more serious problems like alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, sex addiction, and other self-destructive or self-defeating behaviors. People with codependency are also more likely to attract further abuse from aggressive individuals, more likely to stay in stressful jobs or relationships, less likely to seek medical attention when needed and are also less likely to get promotions and tend to earn less money than those without codependency patterns. Some even feel that they are just not worth being paid more, worth being loved, worth to expect a better service or worth to be loved.

For some, the social insecurity caused by codependency can progress into full-blown social anxiety disorders like social phobia, avoidant personality disorder or painful shyness. Other stress-related disorders like panic disorder, depression or PTSD may also be present.

Controversies

Going from one extreme to the other. Sometimes an individual can, in attempts to recover from codependency, go from being overly passive or overly giving to being overly aggressive or excessively selfish. Many therapists maintain that finding a balance through healthy assertiveness (which leaves room for being a caring person and also engaging in healthy caring behavior), is true recovery from codependency and that becoming extremely selfish, a bully, or an otherwise conflict-addicted person, is not.
Victim mentality. According to this perspective, developing a permanent stance of being a victim (having a victim mentality) would also not constitute true recovery from codependency and could be another example of going from one extreme to another. A victim mentality could also be seen as a part of one's original state of codependency (lack of empowerment causing one to feel like the "subject" of events rather than being an empowered actor). Someone truly recovered from codependency would feel empowered and like an author of their life and actions rather than being at the mercy of outside forces. A victim mentality may also occur in combination with passive–aggressive control issues. From the perspective of moving beyond victim-hood, the capacity to forgive and let go (with exception of cases of very severe abuse) could also be signs of real recovery from codependency, but the willingness to endure further abuse would not.
Caring for an individual with a physical addiction is not necessarily synonymous with pathology. To name the caregiver as a co-alcoholic responsible for the endurance of their partner's alcoholism for example, pathologizes caring behaviour. The caregiver may only require assertiveness skills and the ability to place responsibility for the addiction on the other.
Not all mental health professionals agree about codependence or its standard methods of treatment. It is not listed in the DSM-IV-TR. Stan Katz & Liu, in "The Codependency Conspiracy: How to Break the Recovery Habit and Take Charge of Your Life," feel that codependence is over-diagnosed, and that many people who could be helped with shorter-term treatments instead become dependent on long-term self-help programs.
Some believe that codependency is not a negative trait, and does not need to be treated, as it is more likely a healthy personality trait taken to excess. Codependency in nonclinical populations has some links with favorable characteristics of family functioning.
The language of symptoms of and treatment for codependence derive from the medical model suggesting a disease process underlies the behavior. There is no evidence that codependence is caused by a disease process, communicable or otherwise.
Some frequent users of the codependency concept use the word as an alternative to use the concept dysfunctional families, without statements that classify it as a disease.
Not everything promoted by recovery agencies is a demonstrable scientific fact, some of it is based on fashion and faith alone.

Written by Johan Obbes - Exerts from this article have been taken from "Codependent No More, Melodie Beattie, Hazelden Publishers

The Road to success in KZN - by Johan Obbes

2011-06-24T16:14:00.002+02:00

The Kwa Zulu - Natal branch of the Philippi Trust SA has a sixteen year history of providing specialised counselling and training, dating back to a lunch date with Malcolm Worsley (picture right) in 1995.

In July 1995, Nick and Barbara Kerr along with the couple’s two children took leave from their parish in Hillcrest, KZN to spend 6 months in Warwick, England, while Nick served as an assistant in the Parish of Warwick.

The couple befriended an Anglican priest named Guy Cornwall - Jones who told them about this friend he had who visited South Africa regularly. Guy hoped that his friend would contact them during his next visit to the country.

Nick and Barbara Kerr returned home early January 1996 and waited for over a year to hear from the friend that Guy told them about.

In March 1997, Nick received a call from a man saying that he was "Guy's friend", and that he'd like to meet the couple. Nick invited him to lunch the next day, but when Nick put down the phone, he couldn't remember the man's name.

The next day Barbara (picture left) went to the school where she was then teaching, and was introduced to a visiting clergyman called Malcolm Worsley, who was about to take a chapel service for the boys of the school. During the course of conversation Barbara’s Head of Department said to Malcolm "This is Barbara Kerr, who is married to our local Anglican priest." The look on Malcolm's face was one of utter disbelief and astonishment. Barbara said to him "Are you the man who is coming to our home for lunch today?"

Malcolm came for lunch and he spent hours telling them about himself and his life as well as Christian counselling. In July of that year, Malcolm returned to KZN first running a Level 1 course in Pinetown, near Hillcrest. Barbara enrolled for the course and according to her, the course felt like “coming home”.

From March 1998 Barbara set up courses in Hillcrest and Malcolm came regularly from the UK to do the training. By 2001 Barbara had completed her Level 2 training and Malcolm asked both Barbara and Sally van Minnen to train others in counselling. They trained their first Level 1 course in 2000 in Westville. Not long afterwards, Jill Lawton joined them as a trainer. Both Sally and Jill have moved on to expand the horizons of this branch, and Don Peddie (picture right) joined them as a trainer. Today Don is heading this branch of the Philippi Trust and leading it to go from strength to strength.

Nick and Barbara is currently running a site in Mooirivier while serving in the Anglican church. Together they have been instrumental in establishing this branch in Kwa Zulu Natal, while staying connected to the Philippi Trust office in Cape Town and gratefully having Nick Kerr serve as a member of the board of trustees for the national Philippi Trust SA.

The KZN branch of the PTSA has been truly a diamond in the rough, having expanded to reach out with teaching in various areas including Mauritius. Today we would like to honour every person who is involved in making this branch so successful.

Geneva's House - by Johan Obbes and Kay Lorentz

2011-06-08T21:55:00.005+02:00

In November 2010 our Resilient Kids department became aware of a centre for abused women and their children in Eersteriver. This was the first encounter with the formidable Geneva and the crisis centre which she has built up over a decade. The problem was that this crises centre was in crisis. The centre has become too much for Geneva, and has been damaged to the point that it was not fit for any human being. It is a building in much need of repair but because the centre lost its NPO status (in a crisis centre families are only supposed to stay 3 months, this has not been happening at Geneva’s House as people stayed more than 3 months) we have unfortunately experienced not a lot of involvemnet from government’s side, yet we believe that with a proper, healthy partnership between government and the private sectors, we can make a change to this situation. We know we are all responsible for our communities and this is where the spirit of UBUNTU will flourish.

On my first visit there I was overwhelmed by the positive attitude this brave 63 year old beamed out, and the love which she poured over every child who would run past us and quickly grab “Ouma Geneva’s” skirt. The smell of open sewerage hit me like a ton of bricks, and the dark, damp bedrooms were no shock when we had to hear how Geneva and some resident mothers would run around at night, fighting off burglars (entering via the broken ceiling), to steal their electric globes, electrical wires, kitchen utensils and whatever they could lay their hands on. The main building consists of approximately seven large bedrooms where you will find mothers and children, with the two outside buildings housing more families.

Over the years Geneva has been struggling against a lot of bureaucracy to get government’s involvement, while meanwhile there are 71 children living there with an undetermined number of adults. It is not the fault of these children that they are there, and yet more and more of them are dropped off here on a daily basis. The problem is that there is nowhere else for these people to go, and for most of these children…Geneva’s House has been the only home which they have ever known.

Geneva’s House is located on an open plot in Kuilsriver off a busy street. No fences exist to keep any of the children safe, not even mentioning the ARC rehab centre in close vicinity whose inhabitants could just walk onto the property of Geneva’s House. The home has some structural damage, sewerage are overflowing in the bathrooms, electricity cables are stolen, children are malnourished and yet Geneva is still fighting after a decade to improve the lives of these people. The home is currently financed by her pension money, and some of the children’s child grants.

On the 18^th July we are celebrating Mandela Day, which is also a day where people all over the world is called to action to make the world a better place, one small step at a time. On this day we are joining hands to make Geneva’s House a well run, safe centre for the restoration of women and children established on this site. The needs of this house is HUGE and we invite you and your organisation to get involved in revamping this house. For those people who cannot be there on the 18^th JULY 2011 (a Monday) are more than welcome to make your contribution to Geneva's House any time before the 18^th July, or even visit Geneva’s House on Saturday 16^th July 2011 where we can bring all the teams together and make a change in this home. This way we can make it a continuous Mandela Day Project. (Please just coordinate all pledges with Kay or Johan)

The aim is to create a sustainable support system that will last, even once Mandela Day has come and gone, thus we need people to adopt this project and take ownership of this amazing venture.

Us Philippians have stepped in to help Geneva reregister her NPO status, and organise her legal documents to enable her to access bigger funders. We are also taking in a team of nurses and counsellors from one of our Desmond Tutu VCT sites to give them a wellness package where voluntary HIV/TB counselling & testing will be done, together with Pregnancy Testing, Family Planning, Glucose testing, BMI testing, Blood Pressure measurements and general HIV/TB awareness.

We do acknowledge that accountable and sustainable management is needed to run this organisation and thus part of the needs is for individuals to volunteer their time and skills to act as directors to come alongside Geneva and guide her to manage this home correctly. We need individuals, churches and organisations to get involved in this project. Whatever your skills are, whatever you have to offer in resources…Geneva’s House can use it!

Geneva’s House is in need for a church or organisation to adopt them, and walk the journey of sustainable development with them.

We need, administrators, painters, engineers, plumbers, electricians, decorator’s, board members and much much more.

The question is…what is in your hand that you can help with!? Their current needs list is as follows:

1. Philippi can give volunteers, help with getting the house legal/status NPO etc.

2. Paint

3. Engineers to look at the buildings to see if it should be rebuilt or renovated

4. Fences & Security

5. Plumbers & Electricians

6. Jungle Gym painted and restored

7. Garden playing equipment (Swings etc)

8. Decorate Rooms, Curtains, Bedding, Cupboards etc.

9. Vegetable Gardens

10. Lounge Area/Safe Meeting Place

11. New Kitchen Appliances

12. TOYS – NEW

13. Become a board member (finance or Human Resource support)

14. Host a picnic on the day

To get involved in this amazing project contact Kay on kay@resilientkidssa.org.za or Johan at johan@philippitrust.co.za to offer your help or pledge your commitment.

Article written by Johan Obbes & Kay Lorentz

Resilient Kids - by Kay Lorentz

2011-06-03T13:25:00.002+02:00

The Philippi Trust SA has four very busy departments, of which one department the Resilient Kids SA programme, has been one which not only touches the hearts of thousands of people who see and read about their work, but it is also a program that has proved over and over again that people can be saved from poverty. All journeys start with a first step and every community is changed by taking care of the vulnerable, the orphans and the widows. Yet so many programmes are "giving people a fish...in stead of teaching people to fish themselves!" Resilient Kids is a programme which does just that. Start changing the children, one at a time. Resilient Kids is a part of the Philippi Trust SA, and is working with community based organisations, churches and individuals to empower and equip communities to take care of our vulnerable children. They provide training and support which enables adults and youth in a community to work with children in a way that helps build the resilience of each child. Their aim is to have, in each community, a team of safe, caring adults and youth who can provide ongoing support to the children of that community.

The Resilient Kids SA adult training programme begins with 5 days of 'theoretical' training in a variety of aspects of working with vulnerable children. After this the newly trained adults are given an opportunity to work with children from their own community in a safe, supervised environment. This could take the form of one or more of the following: a ‘holiday club‘ programme run over 4 or 5 consecutive days within the community, a series of ‘kids club’ events over a number of weeks, or a residential ‘experiential learning’ camp. Then follows a long process of mentoring and support within the community as Resilient Kids SA seeks to help establish sustainable, effective resilience building, child based activities.

An aspect of Resilient Kids that is clear evidence that this programme is changing the community, is to see how many children’s homes in the impoverished communities are now approaching them to come and build emotional resilience in their children. Monitoring and evaluation is always a challenge when the question is asked “How do you measure a life being changed?” Yet I feel that when a community is standing up and asking for their help, it is a clear sign that this programme is working!

Resilient Kids SA believes that all children can and should be given the opportunity to become more resilient. How to best provide resilience building opportunities is greatly influenced by the environment and circumstances of the child. No two communities are identical and the people who know a community best are those who live there. This is why Resilient Kids SA always works in partnership with adults who live in a community as well as community based organisations. Our aim is to show these adults that they have both the responsibility and the ability (with training and support) to meet the needs of the children in their community, especially when it comes to rights and resilience.

However, resources (financial, skills, education etc) are scarce within many of the communities which are home to our most vulnerable children. So Resilient Kids SA seeks to be a bridge between a community where adults are trying to build sustainable, resilience building children’s groups and those outside this community who have access to the resources needed. Our desire is to see partnerships develop between resilience builders in a community and churches, businesses, organisations and individuals outside the community that will ultimately benefit all concerned.

If you, your company or your church are keen to become involved in such a partnership please let us know, by emailing admin@resilientkidssa.org.za.

For more information you can follow this amazing programme on Facebook “Resilient Kids SA” or go to our website http://www.philippitrust.co.za/

Article Written by Kay Lorentz

Codependency (Part 1) - by Johan Obbes

2011-05-31T08:14:00.013+02:00

Codependency is one of the issues which I encounter in the counselling environment on a daily basis. This silent destroyer has been made famous by the world renowned writer Melody Beattie with her best sellers (Codependent No More) and (Beyond Codependency). Other authors include Pia Melody (Facing Co-dependence) and Shirley Smith (Set Yourself Free).

Yet so many people still have a misconception of what codependency is, and it’s devastation it has on our society as we only started to identify it in the late 70’s. It was through the recovery of alcoholics that we started seeing that the partners of the alcoholics are as many a times, just as sick as the addict self. To date the ongoing research is growing by leaps and bounds, as therapists are discovering just how deep does the rabbit hole go.

Definition - Codependency (or codependence, co-narcissism or inverted narcissism) is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others and can even be seen as an addiction of sorts. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns

Historically, the concept of codependence comes directly out of Alcoholics Anonymous, part of the realization that the problem was not solely the addict, but also the family and friends who constitute a network for the alcoholic. It was subsequently broadened to cover the way that the codependent person is fixated on another person for approval. As such, the concept overlaps with the older psychoanalytic concept of the 'passive dependent personality' ... attaching himself to a stronger personality.

For me as a counsellor the first sign which I look for in a client to see if they might be codependent is their inability to clearly identify their emotions and feelings. One of the dangers in our society is that we over encourage the person who goes the extra mile at work, church or even charity work. Yet should this person be a codependent, then the very applause and affirmation which this behaviour is bringing them might also be the petrol on the fire which silently fuels their addiction. They find their value, worth and identity in the fact that they are “doing” instead of finding their value, worth and identity their “being”.

Patterns and characteristics of codependency

Codependency describes behaviors, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or caretaking. For example parenting is a role that requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice and giving a child's needs a high priority, although a parent could nevertheless still be codependent towards their own children if the caretaking or parental sacrifice reached unhealthy or destructive levels. Generally a parent who takes care of their own needs (emotional and physical) in a healthy way will be a better caretaker, whereas a codependent parent may be less effective, or may even do harm to a child.

Many codependents feel completely trapped in cycles of drama without even knowing why or how they got into it in the first place. Some travel from a Victim mentality, to a Persecutor to a Rescuer all in one breath as they feel their emotions (which are complete strangers to them) abuse them like a bulldog with a playing ball. The Karpman drama triangle is one of many useful tools in helping codependent people realise the dysfunctional behaviour which they are addicted to.

Co-Dependents Anonymous offers these patterns and characteristics as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.

Recovery from co-dependency is possible and although it takes a hard work and therapy, the words of Melody Beattie in her book Beyond Codependency can describe the healing the best; The important idea here is we’ve lost our invisibility. We’re recognising ourselves, and others are recognising us too. More help and hope has become available to us – from teddy bears that says it’s okay to feel what we feel, to in-patient co-dependency treatment programs where we can deal with our inner child (the part of us that feels, plays, and needs to be nurtured) and where we can address our family of origin issues (our messages from the past that control what we do today)…We’re saying simply and clearly, enough is enough, and we’ve suffered enough. It’s time to do things differently.

Written by Johan Obbes - Exerts from this article has been taken from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency as well as the book Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie.

The tales of intrepid travellers Pinky & Liezl - by Liezl Cromwell

2011-05-20T14:38:00.003+02:00

The day began in good spirits albeit at 3am. Pinks, duly collected at 4am as planned (Phew…she is not a morning person, see the pics of her in our latest fun day – Ed note) and check in also proceeded smoothly for our flight from Cape Town to East London, as this would be just a quick trip, in and out for a couple of hours to attend a meeting. Then, things took the first dramatic turn when a suspicious sharp object was seen on the X ray during the security check. On closer inspection (and after profuse denial of packing anything that could harm fellow passengers), a pair of scissors innocently residing in a pencil case was apprehended and confiscated. Not to mention that this pair of scissors had managed to fly to Durban and back, undetected the previous week!

A strong cup of coffee was needed to calm the nerves, which of course were aggravated as said travellers left a lap top behind at security check point after the scissor incident. During a quick toilet stop before boarding we were horrified to hear our names over the public system to please go to gate A9. This was a first for me Liezl, (uhuh – Ed note) who was frustrated as we were only five minutes late. With Pinks giggling and myself still grumpy for having being called to board, we stumbled on the awaiting bus only to meet glares and sarcastic comments and then set off for the plane. As the red cheeks subsided and settled in our seats we were informed of a delay in take off due to the dense fog conditions. Argggg

Arrival and progression to Queenstown, where our meeting was to take place was incident free. In fact the journey to Queenstown was scenic and serene. AAAAAAAAAAAAA absolute serenity. The meeting was productive and successful and afterwards we searched for a restaurant in this unknown town, as our last meal was early morning. Then we encountered a bump in the road, or shall we say one long bumpy road. Having decided on The Spur we set out walking (in our high heels) as the locals said that it is only a two minute walk ….which literally grew into a long walk to find something to eat although often reassured by the locals that it’s not far, it’s just around the corner. Several blocks later we found the elusive Spur and enjoyed a good meal. Hunger satisfied, we had to make the long trek back to the car… in the now pouring rain…in our high heels and trying to save our hairdo’s from going into a praise and worship mode standing in all directions. We made it back drama free to East London, not a heel broken and returned the rental car intact and on time.

On checking in we discovered that the only flight (ours) leaving for Cape Town was overbooked. No! The check in clerk tried very hard to convince us to take the 2pm flight the next day, offering free overnight accommodation, free flight and what not. We just wanted to get home and hopefully vote the next day. To be on the safe side we went straight to the departure lounge, only to find out that the flight had been delayed for another hour. Long, tedious hours were then spent waiting to board, when suddenly late at night it was all systems go. The next moment we found ourselves speeding down the runway, tired but relieved to be finally heading home. Then, fifteen minutes into the flight the pilot announced that we would need to detour to Port Elizabeth as no planes where landing in Cape Town due to bad fog conditions. The darkened aircraft was filled with shocked silence, as we circled over Port Elizabeth harbour for forty-five minutes to burn off the excess fuel. Around and around we flew only te grow more dizzy and nauseous from this circular movement. This was the lowest point for both of us.

On landing close to midnight we were then shuttled to a hotel for the night, starving and with little other than the clothes on our backs. Oh yes, we did have an umbrella and stress ball which was part of the training kit, but fatigue prevented us from using it as all I heard from my fellow traveller at this point was hayi suka wena! We were grateful to receive toothpaste and toothbrushes at the hotel, although a highly distressed Pinky could not convince them to also supply some clean underwear! We managed to sweet talk a closing restaurant to provide us will a meal at midnight.

The following morning began early, at 6:20 am. I saw how my bewildered colleague, who is not a morning person struggled to come to terms with the fact that our 7am shuttle was already waiting for us. She desperately needed strong coffee to cope. I won’t go in to detail of how the coffee machine stopped working and like a ship through the night, a geisha on stiletto’s or shall we say a extrovert without caffeine the before mentioned colleague left a poor young blonde in her dust as she elbowed her way through to the shuttle.

When checking in, the system would not allow us access as it was past the boarding time, leading to some scrabbling around by officials as they were faced with a long queue of sleep deprived people…and two Cape Town girls fuming silently in the anticipation of maybe missing another flight! Finally take off and homeward bound!! No announcement of detours to George. Phew!

Article Written by Liezl Cromwell

Somerset West, VCT Site (Voluntary Counsellng and Testing) - by Johan Obbes

2011-05-16T09:56:00.002+02:00

One of the many features of the Philippi Trust is it’s three highly successful VCT sites. One of which is located at the Head Office in Somerset West. Whereas so many horror stories exist of clinics operating in absolute chaos, this non clinical site has proved to be a story of hope and integrity.

Today we would like to introduce this stunning team of women, whom has made this site their pride and joy, but indirectly also changed a community!

The site was opened in 2008 as a collaboration between the Philippi Trust, The Desmund Tutu Trust, PEPFAR and the Department of Health. The site is located in the Alexandra building on the Somerset West main road and managed by Sister Pumla Ramatola, who is assisted by Cornelia Jantjies and their friendly professional counsellors Julia Ngqaqhu, Jenina Matthys, Monia Adams and Maureen Majikela with Sister Pumla’s husband Ernest as their driver for whenever they go an outreach into the communities.

Whereas many non clinical sites only do HIV testing, this site does not only do HIV/Aids Awareness but also does the counselling and testing for HIV, TB, Blood Pressure, Glucose, BMI, Pregnancy and family planning.

The site is welcoming, clean, wall to wall carpets and very well kept with a waiting area, three counselling rooms, and main office. What stands out about this site is that it constantly used by all races, which I thought spoke volumes in terms of its non-discriminatory conduct. It is easily accessible from the main road and is known as a trusted, confidential service provider in Somerset West. The staff’s level of work is outstanding, and you can clearly tell that these ladies are not just enjoying but also taking a lot of pride in their work. An average of eight to fifteen clients a day walk through these doors where the staff has a focus to build a relationship with every person to ensure that they will return for follow up tests and counselling.

Speaking with Sister Pumla, you encounter a passion and a knowledge that has been developed from years of experience and a heart for people with no exclusivity. “I see the younger generation’s infection rate declining as they are more informed about safer sex, than the older generation. It is so much easier for them to openly speak about sex and condom use, that I think the next generation will be even less infected that this one. Looking at the infection statistics through the various generations it is evident how important education in this field is.”

One of the challenges which the personnel experience is when a person whom has tested HIV positive is referred to a hospital for ARV’s but then never turns up, out of fear to be recognised by hospital staff, other patients in the waiting room or purely medical staff disclosing their positive status. Discrimination and stigma is still so rife in our society that people are willing to gamble with their lives, instead of taking a chance to obtain medication in many hospitals and roll out clinics.

The question then remains, why is stigma still so strong in our day and age? The challenges are still found in Socio-Cultural circumstances where spouses suspiciously frown upon condom use in a “supposedly” monogamous relationship. Women are being treated less than men, and their voices are often silenced through domestic violence when confronting an unfaithful spouse. Sex is still a topic that is not openly discussed and with the increase of poverty, we find that people move around geographically in an effort to find work, yet spreading the virus faster than should their community have had less human movement.

The bottom line is, this VCT site has proved itself trustworthy, safe and definitely a story of hope. We can only pray that this attitude of professional conduct, confidentiality and integrity is spread to our communities in an effort break down stigma.

To have a look at this amazing site, please visit the Philippi website at http://www.philippitrust.co.za/

Article Written by Johan Obbes

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - by Johan Obbes

2011-05-05T09:37:00.003+02:00

“Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a disease just like cancer, diabetes, or many other medical problems and disorders. PTSD is an anxiety disorder which is triggered after exposure to an intensely terrifying event”

What is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

The disorder occurs when a person experience such an overload of horror that the only way for them to survive this trauma is for their cognitive and emotional behaviour to separate. When in danger, it’s natural to feel afraid. This fear, triggers many split-second changes, in the body to prepare one to defend against the danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a healthy reaction meant to protect a person from harm. But in PTSD, this reaction is changed or damaged and the sufferer might even feel that the trauma has not ended yet, but is still continuing with every trigger. PTSD can sometimes last for up to 40 years or more, if the person have not received appropriate treatment and therapy. Some war veterans still suffer from PTSD, but as it is not correctly diagnosed it is more commonly referred to as “shell shock”.

Traumas can be various and examples of the most obvious ones are; living through or experiencing a violent crime, being raped, attacked, taking part in a war, surviving a natural disaster, physical or sexual abuse, surviving an accident (car, train, plane) etc.

We also find traumas which are continuous, long term or subtle where sufferers are trapped in horrifying circumstances for years, being traumatized every day, like domestic violence or severe bullying at school. Some sufferers don’t even know that they are being traumatized as they might not be aware of the trauma or even remember what has happened. These traumas are experienced more often when growing up or by being in an abusive relationship, yet these examples are not exclusive but only an indication. These traumas could be abuse (all forms of abuse), emotional neglect or even an intense, continuous mocking & teasing at school. People react differently to different situations, but regardless of the trauma the damage to the sufferer is real and the intensity of the symptoms vary from person to person.

Most people with PTSD go through intense suffering due to a huge part of society not understanding it. Sometimes the symptoms begin immediately after the event, but as each person is different the symptoms can sometimes be experienced weeks, months or even years after the event. When they do finally occur, it is usually in response to or have been triggered by a series of stressful events or losses. This causes the sufferer to experience the traumatic event over and over again. – READ THE PERSONAL STORY OF LISA KELVER ON OUR WEBSITE at http://www.philippitrust.co.za/counselling_success_stories.php

Most common symptoms of PTSD can include:

1. Re-experiencing symptoms:

• Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating (these flashbacks are so real that the person feel as if they are right back in the trauma as if it is happening right now)
• Bad dreams
• Frightening thoughts.

Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. They can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing. This is extremely shameful to the sufferer as they cannot control the triggers and usually experience it as intense as if they were back in the moment of the trauma being inflicted.

2. Avoidance symptoms:

• Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience
• Feeling emotionally numb
• Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry
• Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past
• Having trouble remembering the dangerous event.
• Memory lapses in everyday life
• Delayed responses after being asked a question

Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may cause a person to change his or her personal routine. For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may avoid driving or riding in a car.

3. Hyper arousal symptoms:

• Being easily startled
• Feeling tense or “on edge”
• Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.

Hyper arousal symptoms are usually constant, instead of being triggered by things that remind one of the traumatic event. They can make the person feel stressed and angry. These symptoms may make it very hard to do daily tasks, such as sleeping, or concentrating.

The main treatments for people with PTSD are psychotherapy (“talk” therapy), medications, or both

Recovery from PTSD

Recovery from PTSD is a long process and should not be rushed at all. The sufferer might experience intense feelings of shame as the triggers and symptoms are uncontrollable, and extremely traumatic. Although each person experience the healing process differently, one can closely compare the process to that of the healing process of abuse.

Abuse can be considered as a process having four overlapping stages.

First there is the impact stage. It lasts for a few hours to several days and is characterized by shock, disbelief, anxiety, and fear. Often victims are confused about whether to report the abuse and frequently there is fear that the abuse may recur. Sometimes the impact is made worse because the abuse victim feels overwhelmed by too many professionals or police officers asking questions.

Stage two involves denial. In order to cope with the stress, the victim tries to push aside the trauma of abuse and return to a pre-crisis stage of functioning. Victims at this time need to feel secure, organized and in control. To others, and even to the victims themselves, it may appear that everything has returned to normal, but the hurt is still present and will need to be dealt with before complete healing occurs. The denial stage may be over within a few days, although for some it lasts for years.

Stage three, the process stage, begins when the experience of assault can no longer be suppressed. Often some crises event of emotional distress may trigger the old feelings and the victim is flooded with anxiety, depression, nightmares, flashbacks, and constant thinking about the assault. This is a period when the victim needs to talk, to express feelings, to struggle with guilt and anger, and to feel counsellor support.

The final stage of integration comes as the individual begins to feel no longer controlled or dominated by the effects of the abuse.

Article was written by Johan Obbes. For more information on PTSD please refer to http://www.sahealthinfo.org/mentalhealth/aboutptsd.htm or find out more from one of the excellent books from Recovery Books at http://www.recoverybooks.co.za

An amazing race into winter! - by Johan Obbes

2011-04-28T12:27:00.003+02:00

It is quite rare that one would celebrate Winter as a new beginning. Normally we would celebrate it as a time of rest, and to say that it is only we as the Philippians who are crazy enough to do it, will probably be an over dramatic statement to this wonderful new season.

To clarify our fresh outlook on work (yes we are excited about our work here) at the Philippi Head Quarters, I have to state that I am referring to all the new changes which we have had this past couple of months. The Philippi Trust has been through deep waters as have most NGO’s during the recession. However we have surfaced stronger and wiser on the other side of the recession and as we are entering Winter here in the Southern Hemisphere we the Philippians are gearing up for a fresh new race.

With our new look website, Facebook, twitter and BlogSpot we are dressed for a bold new look and definitely ready to take The Philippi Trust SA to a bold new level of service delivery, communication and growth.

I would like to invite each one of you to follow us on our social media, as we will share our knowledge, resources and experiences as we venture into this exciting new season. Since 1999 Philippi Trust has been expanding from two pioneers to nearly two hundred staff in 2011.

To celebrate the start of a new season, life and our amazing staff we Philippians had an adventurous fun day where the majority of our staff came together to play the Amazing Race. Teams were running through shopping malls, digging through beach sand, gulping down baby food, struggled through riddles while all the time the knowledge was entrenched that no man is an island. The lesson is, we need each other and so does the counselling community and Philippi Trust need each other.

We look forward to meeting you, teach you and learn from you as a friend of the Philippi Trust on this amazing journey of ours. Like we normally say here in the corridors of our head office. HOU VAS!

Article Written by Johan Obbes