Restore

honey now

2015-08-18T20:00:00.002-04:00

"My love for you is strong
Lord, it brings me to my knees"
- Ryan Adams

There's a good chance I love you in spite of this looking absolutely hopeless. I was in church the other day and I thought I saw you. It wasn't you of course. But all I could think about was how I wanted you there next to me. You. Not some other guy. Not someone like you. You. I couldn't shake it. I still can't shake it. Or you. Though I've been trying.

Maybe you should think about letting me in to that tightly wrapped heart of yours?

Mine is already yours.

2015-08-17T21:42:00.000-04:00

his grace finds me

2015-08-16T16:08:00.003-04:00

I moved in July. I have been having an extremely hard time ever since. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. There were problems with the house (gas tank for the stove was stolen, broken A/C and days without repairmen showing up) and then I had a string of issues with my old car. I put way too much money into it after dealing with the moving expenses. And then was backed into what I feel is a corner, buying a new one way before I was ready.

Some things came up in another area of my life and between that and every imaginable thing going wrong that could wrong, I got to last week and realized that I don't feel at home here. I don't even know if I like this place. I'm exhausted and over the whole mess.

Then you throw in some bad things happening at home, the pain of letting go of my last living grandparent, and my utter disgust at a few people's actions, and this weekend has been my last straw. Sometimes you need a break. Now is one of those times.

I trust that God always has, and always will love me more than I can begin to comprehend. His grace is the greatest gift I've ever been given. When I've got nothing else. And when nothing else makes sense, He does.

He loves me perfectly. He always finds me exactly where I'm at. When I feel lost in my own home and not particularly fond of it or happy. When I'm frustrated by people's choices and how they impact me. When I'm grieving the loss of one of the women who made me who I am. When I'm tired and trying to figure it all out . . . He is here in the midst.

He's loving us through worry, stress, frustration, in good choices and bad. His grace finds us every time. He knows us better than anyone and He is always, always exactly what we need. When I struggle in these moments, I always want to share. I want to "go first" because I know it's hard to acknowledge the struggles sometimes.

Hang in there, friend. I am. He'll meet you where He's met me.

@#$%

2015-07-26T19:20:00.002-04:00

I moved. My job moved. I'm exhausted beyond belief.

I want to write. But I don't want to write.

I'll come back soon...

a world with you

2015-07-07T20:16:00.004-04:00

"Think how many doors we'll open
Just as many stars are gonna shine
Who knows where we're going
And who knows what we'll find
I want to see the world
The way I see a world with you
I want to see the world
The way I see a world with you"
- Jason Mraz

Missing you.

for my daughter ~ part five

2015-06-21T16:59:00.002-04:00

Here we are - part five. I have more love and dating talk for you. Here are a few things you may want to consider.

Your feelings can sway you to believe all sorts of things that may or may not be true. No matter what the entire world may try to convince you of . . . truth is truth. Feelings don't always line up with the truth. You may feel in love. You may feel that he cares for you. You may feel that your feelings, especially about a boy, are telling you that you're in love.

But . . . if he doesn't show you by his actions that he cares for you and loves you, hold back a little. Wait. Don't give your heart. Your feelings may be strong. Your heart may want to jump in - full speed ahead, but love, being in love, dating and relationships, they're two-way streets.

There will be times when you're in a relationship when you give more. That is not what I'm talking about. What I am saying is that women's emotions are powerful things. We can convince ourselves of all sorts of things. You could convince yourself he feels the same when you are his part-time, downtime or good time. Why? Because your emotions are all tangled up.

When you're there in that place, stop yourself and listen to your gut. Stop yourself and listen to your closest friends and your family. I hope you will have a brother old enough to know what's going on. What does he say? How does your dad feel? Really. Is everyone warning you? Do people question you about the way he acts, the things he says, or the things he doesn't do or say?

Does your gut tell you that he doesn't do anything for you? Is he doing all the talking? Asking? Expecting? What happens when you need him? How does he respond? Is he there for you? Does he walk away?

I watched someone I love walk away from me - his back turned when I was feeling stress. I was fatigued - at my wit's end. He walked away and left me standing there when he had, not only the answer right there in front of us, but at the very least, was the one person I most wanted to talk to right then.

I learned that day that I let my feelings sway me to give my heart when I should not have. Actions speak louder than words. I mean, we know that's true, right? But when our feelings get involved and we're wrapped up, our heart doesn't always read things correctly. We don't always see the truth.

You will have a dad that loves you and protects you. I pray for this every day. So maybe you'll be smarter about this than I ~~was~~ am? But sometimes, even still, it's hard to see the forest for the trees when the heart is involved. All I ask is that you stop. Just stop and think for a few brief moments.

You deserve the love you give. You will love big. You will love with all your heart. You deserve the same in return. Don't compromise. Don't second guess your gut. Don't talk yourself out of expecting that guy's best . . .

I love big and with all my heart. It's possible that the hurt I feel today is directly in proportion to the love. But I think there's a way to lessen the blow. Love big. But take it slow. You deserve the best.

lately

2015-06-14T20:02:00.004-04:00

Life. It's crazy. I've had a lot on my mind. None of it that I've wanted to write about. I've made some decisions about the coming months which resulted in me continuing a house search. I found one. It's adorably homey.

Hardwood floors, a tin roof, a FREAKING gas stove {God answers prayers}, new appliances, a garbage disposal {what, what!}, and a backyard filled with old trees. Heaven. I might be moving to heaven.

So . . . not sure if I'll be posting much until I get settled. Or maybe I suddenly will feel inspired. Who knows? What I know for sure is that I'm thankful for some clarity and answered prayers and that if I had to move so soon at least it's to such a sweet little place.

In slightly related news, I need to get back to writing fiction . . .

the light in your eyes

2015-06-02T22:10:00.000-04:00

What hope did I ever have?

I didn't stand a chance.

You have my heart in your hands.

"I could live by the light in your eyes." - Sara Bareilles

faults and all

2015-05-31T10:48:00.002-04:00

I do not want my idea of you. That is too easy, and it is not real. I want you, faults and all. And I want you to want me, faults and all, not any ideas you have about love.
Posted by Things I Would Like to Do with You. on Sunday, May 31, 2015

life is good

2015-05-26T20:43:00.001-04:00

I have a good life.

I grilled on Saturday.

And hung out with this lunatic.

I spent Sunday afternoon across the river with family friends, and their church family, at Camp Don Lee. What a gorgeous place. I will send my kids to camp. Some of the best experiences of my childhood were at camp.

I had some help from the kid that mows my lawn, power washing most of the house. Can't get the second story. Oops. But man, does it look better already.

I fired the grill up and made this scrumptious dessert...

You guys...it was ridiculously good.

Oh...before that, I made the best freshly squeezed lemon/lime margarita.

And today? I accomplished absolutely nothing besides making homemade pizza and napping. Although I did open up a novel I've finished writing that needs some work.

I am incredibly thankful for the long weekend, the rest, and constant reminders that my life is good.

How was your weekend? Have an adventures? I hope yours was as slow moving an restful as mine!

how to win my heart {i don't remember which number this is}

2015-05-25T23:37:00.000-04:00

The thing is, I need you to be a man about it. Go ahead.

Don't toy. Don't flirt unless you mean to do something about it. Get on with it. Or go away.

Really.

Like this. Need me.

Okay, don't watch the video {It's pretty lame, unless you watch all the others from this album}. The words are all that matter. Need me. And make it happen.

Or you know, need me like this...

"I wanna get lost in some corner booth
A cantina in Mexico
I wanna dance to the static of an AM radio
I wanna wrap the moon around us"

"Because I need you..."

I don't want your halfsies. Or your defaults.

A year ago, I called the bluff. And he fizzled out, his light gone quicker than the others. I think about that sometimes. Him and the others. I just hope that you'll stand out from the rest, different. Bold, even if you feel uncertain.

Be a man about it. Because I'm not playing your guessing game.

yes

2015-05-25T20:32:00.002-04:00

I would like to daydream. And I would like to fly to you and with you. I would like to learn to surf and wear very...
Posted by Things I Would Like to Do with You. on Monday, May 25, 2015

needing you

2015-05-19T22:48:00.001-04:00

I need you today. Tonight. Right now.

blog redirects

2015-05-15T21:11:00.003-04:00

My blog had some nasty script of some kind installed and it was redirecting to another site for awhile. Sorry...if it redirected you to anything weird. Yikes!

I took it offline until I could figure it out...

idols

2015-05-12T22:10:00.000-04:00

"God is desiring to make good things happen for you, but He won’t do it until you are ready to receive them." - Lysa TerKeurst

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!” (Isaiah 30:18).

"As we journey with God, we should desire nothing more than to fellowship with Him. Anything that you desire more than that is an idol." - Lysa TerKeurst

Tonight I read Chapter 17 in What Happens When Women Walk in Faith. Like the previous chapter, there was a mention of idols {aka those things that we want more than Him}.

Well, wow. I don't think this has always been the case, but certainly in recent years, I've wanted many things more than I've wanted the God that loves me {and His plan for me}.

Most of all, I've want this one thing more. Tonight was an awesome reminder that He has given me that dream but not so that it becomes more important than my pursuit of my relationship with Him.

He longs to be gracious. He wants good things for us. But how often are we holding on so tightly that we fail to see what He has for us? Or how often are we so focused on what we want, we forget Him, pushing Him down our priority list?

Convicting, no? But so good. I'm so thankful He has patiently waited for me to get my crap together...

He's awesome, dude.

argue with me

2015-05-12T21:38:00.003-04:00

Let's argue. Just a little. We can't always agree. I think you're wrong sometimes.

I guarantee I am. Rarely. But still.

I want to talk it out. Work it out. I don't want it to get stuffed down, ignored or used as a weapon later.

Argue with me. And then forgive me. I will forgive you.

Just promise me that we'll fight fair and that we won't let the sun go down on our anger.

expectant hope

2015-05-10T16:54:00.001-04:00

Mother's Day has grown harder to face, the older I get. I am thankful for my mother. Her faithful praying, giving up meeting her own needs for ours, bearing our burdens, supporting us financially - she did it all. Alone. It's not hard to be thankful for my mother on Mother's Day.

That's not really what I mean.

When I was a little girl, I used to dream of my future. And the dream? Simple really. I wanted to be a wife and a mom and I wanted our home to be like Grand Central Station - the place everyone wanted to be. I hoped it'd be busy all the time.

I dreamed that my husband and I would adopt and that our home would love whomever walked through the door, for however long they needed.

Our family would be the ministry, this life of service I always say myself as living. Our family would love and care for and serve others.

This was all I wanted.

At 39, this definitely is not my life. For the longest time, after being hurt so badly and in a devastating way, I wandered in my faith. I wondered how a good God would place this kind of dream and hope in a person's heart to let them face such sorrow and devastation.

That's all part of the backstory.

As I look towards the future, and as I look back at how I got here, I know for certain that my God has been loving me patiently through the wandering. He's reignited the hope in this dream. And He's let me know, in that way that only He can, that He's given me that dream.

Mother's Day isn't easy when you long to be a mom, when you've lost a baby, or when your prayers go unanswered. Today isn't always easy. But when you know who has placed the dream in your heart, and you know He's by your side, there is always hope.

Today, in the midst of the sadness, I know that the God that loves me in a scandalous way is telling me to have expectant hope. Expectant hope.

Gosh, I sure feel like there's no actual, physical reason to have this expectant hope.

Expectant: having or showing an excited feeling that something is about to happen, especially something pleasant and interesting.

And so, my hope is alive. It is expectant. Because I'm trusting the God that placed the dream in my heart. If you're reading and struggling today as I have, I hope you will find comfort in a few of the things I've found comfort in today.

"Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

"And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she considered him faithful who had made the promise. And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore." Hebrews 11:11-12

things you should know

2015-05-08T22:48:00.001-04:00

- You should know that I lose umbrellas. Not permanently. Just for long enough that I have to go out and buy a new one. Upon buying the new one, I promptly find the old one. I now own three. Except one of the three is missing. I have eyes, however, on the other two so that's a relief.

- I've said before that I love fiercely. Deeply. Patiently and with passion. In the face of crazy odds. And with a stubbornness you would not believe. My heart has been broken, badly.

- I don't want to want to lose my heart anymore unless it's to you. I don't want to be hurt again. And I certainly don't want to be the one doing all the work to get us there. So I'm sorry if I'm a little tough to get through to - my heart is sore and tired. And . . .

I'll love you fiercely, deeply, passionately and with everything I've got. But if you could just do me this one tiny little favor? Be the first to ask. The first to say it. The first to risk.

- I don't really care about straightening my hair and fancy salons, paying to be tan, and I honestly do not give a crap about labels on my clothes or watches. Or purses. But I have a slight problem when it comes to buying expensive and/or fancy food. Also, wine could be a problem. Maybe also candles and flowers. Sorry in advance. I'm working on it.

- You'll eat and drink really well {see above}.

- I know too many ridiculous lines from movies and an incredible amount of worthless song lyrics. And I love them all. And I'm sorry if I sing them. Or say them. Truly. Please forgive me when I say random things. I try to act cool but I always fail miserably.

2015-05-06T20:26:00.001-04:00

advice for the dudes

2015-05-04T23:22:00.002-04:00

I'm going to write a bestseller. I mean . . . I like to dream that I'll write a few. But I think my first bestseller will be a book about dating and relationships. This won't be your average book on dating and relationships though.

Besides being wickedly funny, because I'm hilarious, it will also be a step-by-step manual for dudes. I've often thought about writing a book for the single ladies. But more and more I think I'm missing the real need.

In other words, guys . . . what is even going on with you these days? I think you need help. Earlier this evening, I posted a Facebook status on this very topic.

A friend mentioned that I should write about "green lights." Green lights? Yeah, as in those things women do to show men we're interested. ~~Sometimes~~ Most of the time, you don't see them. Or you do and you don't act on them.

That's gotta stop, yo.

Between the green light problem, an apparent increase in emotionally unavailable dudes, unrealistic expectations by men and women, and a frustratingly high percentage of men NOT pursuing women they want to be with, I think now is the time.

Compadres, really. You've got to get control of yourselves. There are some amazingly awesome women out there and you're letting them get away. You don't want them to get away. You don't.

Here's a two-fer to get us started:

1. If you think she's interested, she probably is. The thing is, there are those women out there that toy with men's affections and attention. These women absolutely do exist. Don't worry, I'll tell you all about the girls you should avoid. We'll get to that later. But as a rule, ~~women~~ good women do not do this. More often than not, women are looking for honest connection. Women tend to gravitate towards relationship. The kind of woman you really and truly want to spend your life with {you're reading the wrong post if you're looking for FWB's, one-night stands, or meaningless relationships.} is showing you every time you see her, all that you need to know. She is. I promise.

If your gut reaction is that she's attracted to you, she is.

But here's the deal, when you take the next step {when, not if}, it cannot be confusing. Ya'll send some serious mixed signals sometimes. Ask her out. Say {repeat with me now}:

"I'd like to spend some more time with you outside of work, will you have dinner with me Friday night?"

While in the middle of that awesome convo you're having with her {which ALWAYS happens since you have so much fun together}, SAY IT. "You know, you and I should go to that wine tasting on Friday and then have dinner. How about it?"

After laughing at her awesome joke, "You're cute. I like cute chicks. Let's have a drink Saturday night."

Ask her. Do not give her mixed signals.

You say women do this. But the average man I've dated sent some massive mixed signals until we got to the point where all the BS ended and we finally went out. Wait, maybe I should say after the second date because sometimes getting to the second date has sucked the life out of me.

So here's what you gotta do . . . if you think she's attracted to you THEN ASK HER OUT.

Ask her the hell out.

Isn't that simple?

Yes. It's so simple.

I hear you right now. I do. You're afraid of rejection. Women have all this power over men, or so some men like to say. Here's an even simpler concept. If you think she's interested, then you ask her out, and she rejects you, she isn't worth your time, Love. She simply is not. So why waste your time, energy or the possibility of being with someone amazing, by ruminating on that and letting it control you? Why risk losing someone that is, or could be, the greatest thing ever since stuffed crust pizza? Or tequila. Or Panthers football.

That's dumb, dude. Whyyyyy would you do that?

Stop using your fear of rejection to keep you from going after what you want. It's old. It's tired. Women, even the most strong and independent among us, are honestly seeking a man that knows what he wants and has no trouble showing that.

The truth is, what we're really thinking when you don't pursue us, by coming right out and asking, is that you are not interested {because men go after what they want} or you are playing a game.

And the kind of woman you really want to be with? They don't play childish games either. If she plays games, she's a child. Not a woman. Good women do not play games. Real men do not play games. They will not play games with you and they will not toy with your emotions or lead you on.

If you think she's interested, she is.

2. Don't be a douchebag. On the topic of toying with affections . . .

This has to stop. I once had a guy do this toying with me for months and months {many, many months}. Don't worry. I hadn't fallen for him. But in other situations, I have. I'd like to tell you about one of those situations but I can't at the moment. So I'll tell you about this other guy. I was attracted to him. I liked him. I wanted to spend more time with him.

The truth was, he had all of the power. Every last bit. Every time he moved towards me, I responded. I did everything I knew how to do. He flirted, I flirted back. He said we should go out some time, I invited him first.

Then he stood me up for that first little outing. I stood there waiting for him and at least he had the decency to text me and say he wasn't coming.

But I'm patient. And forever full of hope when I should probably give up {haha}. So the next time I saw him, I was the same way with him I always was. If you know me, you know that my emotional, I don't want to get hurt-self had to work so very hard at that. But I was cool.

So he continued with the flirting, hinting, and saying that we should go out. We texted. Often. Probably too much.

Five months later . . . we had talked more than once about going out. I finally called him on that and we had dinner.

I won't bore you with the rest of the story. But I will tell you that though things continued on after that point, I finally couldn't take the wishy-washy ways and the total lack of ability to commit to anything.

If I had felt that way after a couple of weeks, I would have told myself to shut up. If I had been so "my way or the highway" from day one, and gave up after a little confusion, I'd say I was stupid, impatient, and maybe my standards are too high. But I soldiered on for many long months, ya'll.

So why did it happen? I have my theories. I won't share them. But even though he's not a bad dude, he toyed with my affections. That's all I really need to know. He didn't care enough about me as a person to say what I needed him to say.

What did I need him to say? If it wasn't a resounding I WANT TO BE WITH YOU, I needed him to say, "I'm not ready."

Or, "I can't do this right now."

Or, "I like you but . . . "

Cut to the chase. Get it out in the open.

Please, guys. If you want to be with this woman, that you can't get off your mind, and out of your heart, make it happen.

But if you're not all in, take care of her like you would your kid sister and stop flirting. Stop saying things you don't mean. Don't make promises you can't or don't intend to keep. And do not reel her in and then leave her hanging and twisting in the wind.

It doesn't feel good. I think I'm there right now. And it hurts like hell. Like falling for someone and he's toying with you, hurts like hell.

So to sum up . . .

1. If you think she's interested, she probably is. Ask her out. Do not pass go. Stop flirting without action and ask her out.

2. Don't be a douchebag. If you don't want to date her, commit to her, or if you're just entertaining yourself, find another way to have fun. Like learn to play cribbage. I don't know. Just stop. Don't toy with her.

You can do this. I have faith in you.

He. He is writing the story.

2015-05-02T23:31:00.001-04:00

My mom sent me a message with this video. First, I'm thankful for a mama that would see this and send it my way. Second, I don't care what your view of me is for sharing it. Third, I could quote the whole thing but I'll go with these:

"All of her friends were having kids and she just had to wait. And put on this cheesy smile, this fake smile, and say 'we're happy for you.'"

"We're just fools..."

"So that's what we did. We just kept praying."

"You had no idea I was writing this story."

"He doesn't leave anything to chance.

Some things aren't by chance. I know you think they are. But they're not. This video wasn't just "by chance" for me. Just like nothing else that's happened the last month or so is.

real life

2015-05-02T22:50:00.002-04:00

I had my deck set up so nicely.

If you know me, you know I love twinkling lights, fireworks, Christmas lights...candlelight. I'm just saying. I love it.

So I was pretty excited about my set up.

So I set out some food for the sweet little birdies. I bought a St. Francis statue. I stuck him in the middle of that little try of birdie food.

I thought it was a good idea.

I thought it was cute, you know? And I've always wanted a St. Francis statue in my yard somewhere. Although I always pictured a bigger one, like my Grandma Avalos'. Until I saw the price tag. But I digress...

So the bird food was a good idea until I discovered that the squirrels are in control of my hood.

They ate the food, sent St. Francis flying, and today, after leaving the tray empty for a day, I came home to this.

Excuse my French, but those bitches ATE MY LIGHTS! They freaking ate my lights. Croatan National Forest Squirrels, I hate you. So much.

A few weeks ago, I was driving off base after work, I swerved and almost came to a complete stop to avoid hitting a squirrel. I just so happened to be in front of one of our Marines. The next day, he teased me about that - about how I'd almost caused an accident over a squirrel.

Well. I'd just like to state, for the record, next time you stupid squirrels, I'll hit you with my Ford Focus. And I refuse to feed you expensive, gourmet bird food. Jerks.

Sometimes I hate nature. ;)

fried green delish

2015-05-02T21:47:00.001-04:00

I made this. And it was good.

See the recipe, here.

farmer's markets

2015-05-02T13:27:00.002-04:00

I'm about to head out to Cedar Point - to this open air market that I've yet to get to. I didn't get up early enough {oops} to go to the one I intended to go to this morning. But there's supposed to be a gluten free bakery selling goodies at the one in Cedar Point so I'm going to go check it out.

As I was getting ready to go, I was a little bummed. Or maybe a lot. As I continue to press forward with a life I didn't plan for myself, it's the simple, little things that at times, make this solitary thing the hardest. Like going to farmer's market by myself.

I know there are people reading here {people besides my mom that is}. So for you, whomever you are, and for me, let's just choose to believe today, in spite of how it feels, that God is good and His plan is best, even when it doesn't make sense.

If you will, I will.

i would like

2015-04-29T23:22:00.000-04:00

1. I would like a table in our yard - à la the Braverman's from Parenthood. Mismatched chairs and all. I want to hang white lights and set the table like we're having a party, as many nights as possible, when the weather is warm and calls us outside.

2. I would like it if we go camping every summer. Let's make it a family tradition. If you don't like camping, this could be a slight problem. You could possibly make it up to me by taking me to France for my birthday next year. That's a fair trade, right?

3. I would like us to have a big, huge four poster bed. Maybe one so huge, I have trouble climbing into it. I'm not even kidding right now. I would like to wake up on a rainy Saturday morning and decide we're camping out with Netflix, breakfast, lunch and dinner {and each other}. All I really need would be right there with you.

4. I would like it if our children grew up seeing our affection for each other. And even more importantly, I'd like them to hear us openly encourage & praise each other.

5. I would like it if you pretend that you don't hate my writing. I'm not saying you should lie. Okay, maybe I am.

6. I would like it if you were here {right now} to whisper in my ear that everything will be okay. And that the life we've been hoping and praying for is no longer just a dream.