Why Is This A Thing?

Part 253: the pick of destiny

2010-11-05T21:18:00.000-07:00

Because you never know when you'll have your guitar but no pick,
so keep that pick puncher handy

252: The Inspiration Machine

2010-10-13T09:08:00.000-07:00

Because Teamwork, Motivation, Achievement... Syngergy.

Ok, just go here: http://www.successories.com/

I knew all of this crap existed, but I didn't realize it was all made by the same company until yesterday when I intercepted a catalog going to someone else in the office. All of those dumb "motivational" posters (which also come in mug, mousepad, keychain and notebook variety). All of those acrylic "awards", and bullshit "focal points" you see on executive's desks. This thing, you bop the button, and it gives you an inspirational quote every morning. If one of my coworkers had this (within earshot of me... I don't want to jinx myself, I'm sure someone in my office probably has one of these on backorder) I would lose my goddamn mind.

Part 251: Not every girl can grow up to be a princess...

2010-08-22T19:23:00.000-07:00

Because someone will need to clean the damn castle.

Part 250: USPDF

2010-08-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

Because it's time we got more girls up on the pole.

Part 249: iPad Douchebaggery (redundancy)

2010-08-02T07:00:00.000-07:00

Because you want to make the best target for muggers possible.

Seriously, some dude already lost two fingers thanks to an iPad. Do you really want to publicize your blog that badly?

Part 248: They're Picklicious!

2010-07-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

Because pickles were the reason you couldn't go hang out with your friends.

Before the invention of the picklePAK:

"Hi, how's it going? Oh, you got tickets to that new thing I wanted to see? Nah. I can't go. I've got these pickles here, I can't just leave them!! What if something happens to them while I'm out!? I'd never forgive myself... I hope you understand."

# of friends: 14

After the invention of the picklePAK:

"FUUUCK BBWAAAA I CAN GO OVER HERE I CAN GO OVER HERE I CAN FUUUUUCK YEEEAAAH SOO PORTABLE!!! SHIIIIIIIT!!!"

# of friends: 0

Part 247: Bag of Gross

2010-07-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

Because you're tired of waiting for him to sneak up on you.

This live capture was found in a gas station attached to an actual Burger King. At $1.89, why you would choose this over something from the regular BK menu is beyond my comprehension.

Part 246: BALLS!

2010-07-21T10:05:00.000-07:00

Because you feel weird without balls on your chin.

Thanks, KAB. Kind of. Really, this just ruined my day.

I don't know how WITAT failed to post the car balls that have been plaguing highways long enough that Florida finally put down legislation banning them, but suffice to say this is not the first instance of "betesticling" of inanimate objects that we've come across.

The weird thing about the two products is that I seriously doubt the people with car balls are the same folks running around with iPhone balls for the simple reason that I doubt anyone with car balls can afford an iPhone.

I don't know about you, but nothing in that photo screams "iPhone owner" to me. And this means that there's not one but two groups of people out there that we now have to worry about avoiding because of their unnatural desire to put testicles on things.

Michael Bey, I blame this on you.

Part 245: Like Juice Boxes for Winos

2010-07-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

Because sometimes you need to take your box wine on the go.

Thanks, Chad Ervin!

Part 244: Game? More like Lame.

2010-07-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

Because McDreamy.

Really I think the answer to this post is two-fold:

1. Because women want nothing more than to be in Grey's Anatomy.

and

2. Because game developers are sorely out of touch with their research and development teams.

Really? A fucking Grey's Anatomy video game? What woman who watches that show likes video games?

I can't imagine what the game play for that must be like. What's the X button--flirt or stammer? Is there an option to fire everyone simultaneously? Does anybody at any time actually do anything medical?

All I really want to know: is there a level where I get to give McSteamy a handjob with my Wii controller?

Part 243: C-string

2010-07-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

Because it's not like you can just not wear underwear.

I'm going to produce one of these with a cupped hand print on the front, because that's what it reminds me of: some creepy faceless person standing behind you, holding your vag. Gross.

Part 242: For Fatties!

2010-07-02T07:00:00.000-07:00

Because you believe in truth-in-advertising.

Courtesy of Ryan, and Twitter.

Part 241: Meta Lampshade

2010-07-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

Because your house has a picture of a house on it.

Part 240: Ikea Pelts

2010-06-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

Because it perfectly matches the BARNSLIG ÄLG you skinned last week.

Ok, who is the weirdo who decided that selling cowhides (that's KOLDBY in Sweden, I guess) in the cheap furniture store was a good idea? For $250 dollars! What do you do with this when you get it home!? Is it a rug? Is it something you drape over your couch? Do you wear it!? Is it a wall hanging?
Who would hang this on their wall except for this guy:

"I bought this chainsaw at Ikea, except it's called a Fleürge there."

Your Car Makes Me Hate You: 1995

2010-06-29T07:00:00.000-07:00

So what exactly is a "bi goth"? Does that mean that half the time you're moping around in black eyeliner and listening to Morrisey and the other half you're skipping down the street with a Hello Kitty lunch box?

I don't know what's worse here--that your plate says "Bi Goth" or that the frame contains a 15-year-old Simpsons reference. Way to be all 1995.

This submission also courtesy of Ryan.

Part 239: O-CEL-O

2010-06-28T07:00:00.000-07:00

Because you're an artist, and your medium is "cleaning tools."

I found this after hearing that Project Runway's miniature designer Christian Ciriano had been contracted to design a sponge. WTF? I thought. And then I visited the site and it kind of made sense.

This probably wouldn't have made the pages of WITAT if not for the sociopathic glee on the model's face. I mean, really, how is she this excited about a sponge with pink and green swirlies on it? Is this what modern living has done to her?

I also like the link at the bottom-right that offers you the chance to answer the question, "What does your favorite O-Cel-O scrub sponge pattern say about you?"

If I ever ask that, please kill me.

Your Car Makes Me Hate You: Betch

2010-06-25T07:00:00.000-07:00

Submitted by Ryan.

Part 238: Costco Caskets

2010-06-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

Because you want to be as tacky in death as you were in life.

First off, check out how beat-to-shit the sign over this display is! scrr-rr-rr-ape!

Two of the signs in this display say "Non-Threatening" and (my personal favorite) "Non-Emotional," and the picture on that sign has two people having a conversation. Probably the most robotic, un-fun conversation too. They're discussing the great bargain they got on that casket. Now they can spend the money they saved on their final resting place on going to see another movie with Russell Brand in it (who? I still don't know who that is. Is he famous? I'm old. Maybe I should buy a casket...).

Hey, I'm sorry the idea of buying you or your family member a casket freaks you the fuck out, but we all gotta go sometime. You may as well get an awesome deal on it! All this thinking about death makes you think twice about that economy size thing of mayonnaise you just bought though, huh?

Oh! They also display several different corner pieces so you can pimp your ride into the afterlife:

Think Grandma will like the flowers we got for her?

Sup Dawg, we heard you like being catholic, so we added virgin marys so your virgin marys can watch you be catholic while you're dead in the ground.

Your Car Makes Me Hate You: Disney Mobile

2010-06-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

There's few things worse than middle aged women who are obsessed with Disney characters.

I bet this chick has the word "diva" in her email address. I bet she also has 2 kids that don't like her very much and an aggressive muffin top. I bet she wears Crocs with socks, and her key chain says, "I'm a princess, that's why!" and she still doesn't get why her husband left her. I bet if you ask, she'll tell you about the fairy tattoo on her ankle, and how she got it during a ladies-only spring break trip to Cancun. Last year.

Oh, also, this minivan had pink and purple rhinestone swirls on the side windows. Barf.

Part 237: Sound Off

2010-06-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

Because having a personality is hard.

I forgot why I thought this was a WITAT until I saw the second picture I'd taken of this nonsense which includes the manufacturer recommended situations that the device is "perfect for use in."

From creator Shed Simove's (nice name) website, we learn that,

"This great product came from an idea I thought of called 'LIVE YOUR OWN SIT -COM' - I liked the concept of a sound effects machine that could punctuate your life with appropriate comedy sound effects...

Perfect for meetings or in the pub, this gadget provides you with the sound effects you really need - including app -lause, canned laughter, fanfares and a shotgun going off…"

Yeah, because if there's anything my life needs more of, it's appropriate comedy sound effects.

I can't tell you how much I enjoy the sound of canned laughter, or how frequently I wish that I could make the sound of a shotgun going off while browsing for books in the library. I bet librarians regularly think to themselves, "Gee, I wish all the community college kids in Pittsburgh could get a hold of sound machines so their trips to use our state-funded public computers as vehicles to browse for porn and Insane Clown Posse tickets could be punctuated with fanfares and applause! That sure would make the library more fun for everyone, especially me!"

And how many times have you thought to yourself, "Boy I wish Phil would just shut up about that quarterly report. If only I had some machine that could make a fart noise, this board meeting would wrap up way earlier!"

Who would make such an annoying, useless device? Obviously a guy with a faux-hawk.

Part 236: My Head Feels Naked

2010-06-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

Because you need something to go with your Handerpants.

I'm not kidding--these were actually situated next to a Handerpants display.

Your Car Makes Me Hate You: Mr. Wty

2010-06-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

You know what I really don't understand? People doing dumb things to their cars. Like this. Or this. Or this. No matter what the retarded customization is, it invariably begs the question, "Why is this a thing?!" And this is why WITAT has decided to launch a new feature:

Your Car Makes Me Hate You.

So here's the first in what will definitely be a long, long series...Mr. Wty.

Personalized plates are bad enough, but needing a personalized frame to explain your stupid personalized plates is way worse.

Part 235: Light Sabers Get Real

2010-06-17T14:35:00.000-07:00

Because you don't just want to annoy your cat, you want to blind that hairy little jerk.

"Built with the blue-laser diode of a dismantled Casio projector, the $200 Spyder III Pro Arctic is the world's most powerful portable laser. It can permanently blind you and set your skin—or anything else, really—on fire almost instantly."

Yeah, that's exactly the kind of thing I want to put in the hands of the idiots at the movie theater who think it's awesome to give Steve Carell a laser bhindi.

Thanks a lot, Wicker Lasers. You have ruined the world.

Part 234: Extreme Eyelash Extensions

2010-06-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

Because your eyes are too cold.

Part 233: Camelflage

2010-06-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

Because wearing pants that don't give you a cameltoe is just not an option.

I mean, really, just find some clothes that fit you already!

These weird things that keep coming out (like this and The Perfect Fit Button) are disturbing on a real level because they pretty much sanction the continuation of the obesity epidemic. Know what I do when I can't fit into my pants? Put down the fork. And if you can't handle that then at least buy some new pants that aren't trying to eat your vagina (instead of some panties to cover the problem).