Over and Under the Rainbow

Sam Harris - From Star Search to Star

2012-07-07T05:13:00.000-07:00

Today we have "American Idol", "The Voice", and "America's Got Talent". Back in the 80s, we had "Star Search", a talent show hosted by the one and only Ed McMahon. Every week would pit the "champion" versus t6e "challenger" in such genres as female singer, male singer, and comedian. There was a young man who beat the other male singers week after week. He wore a black tu jacket with tails, Converse high-tops, and a big flower on his lapel. Out of his mouth was sheer perfection. He sang "Over the Rainbow" and it literally would make me cry, the beauty was insane. Of course, he won the male singer category and went on to Broadway and cabarets. Lately I have been following his career and personal life on Facebook. His name? Sam Harris. And I still love his performances as much as I did back in the 80s. Well done, Sam! http://youtu.be/AZyjSuOrRBw

Just a Funny

2012-06-13T14:34:00.001-07:00

Learning to Let Go...Not An Easy Thing

2012-06-10T08:29:00.000-07:00

Learning to "let go" or "detach" from unhealthy relationships is one of the most difficult life lessons I had to learn in order to live my own "best life". Learning to "love from a distance" those who could not accept the new role I defined for myself required that I grieve both the past that never was and the future that could never be. Letting go of the fantasy and hope that if I could just "figure out" what to do to save the relationship, to make this person "understand"...was about as difficult as the realization that there was nothing I could do. It is one thing to forgive the past....it is another thing to not let the past repeat itself by trying to make an abusive relationship "work out".

2012-06-09T18:12:00.001-07:00

What Would You Do?

2012-06-09T18:09:00.000-07:00

"Forgiveness is not something we do for OTHERS. We do it for OURSELVES to get well and move on." I find it easier to forgive others than myself. I am my hardest critic. It is hard for me to believe how important it is to let things go and forgive myself and others. I feel so weighed down by the crap when I feel someone has done me wrong. I have learned it take more energy to be angry at ourselves or others than it takes to let it go. Leave it in the past and not bring it into the future. What are your thoughts?

2012-05-22T12:31:00.001-07:00

2012-05-22T11:41:00.001-07:00

Just As I Suspected

2012-05-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

My therapist and I discussed the next thing I should do regarding speaking to my parents. He suggested I not cut everything off, but still continue to attempt to keep the lines of communication open. I was wary, as I seem to keep hitting deadends, but agreed to call on Sunday - just once a week instead of every day - and make small talk. If there were any "explosions" by her, I was to say "I cannot speak to you when you are acting this way. I am sorry, but I have to hang up." And do so. Sunday rolled around and I called at approximately 2:30 pm. Amazingly, my mother answered the phone. I was pleasant and inquired about her and my father. Not two minutes into the conversation, I said "I just wanted to tell you there is a possibility Ingrid has lupus." KABLAM! The response? " WELL, I'M NOT SURPRISED!" I stuttered, "This has nothing to do with her weight so how can you -" "I'M SO GLAD DICK WAS THERE IN THE HOSPITAL WHN YOU CALLED AND - " I said "I'm sorry, I cannot talk to you while you are acting this way. I simply called to ask how you and Dad were doing." "WE'RE JUST FINE!" I silently hung up the phone. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist, and I will tell him I have had more than enough of her shenanigans. I am tired of trying to explain to others that this is a no-win situation. I have to do what is right for me. My mother seems to be determined to ostracize both myself and my brother. For what reason, I have no clue, but she is doing a slambang job of it. She and my father will die alone, as I have no interest in continuing to be on the receiving end of this emotional blackmail. They were not there when I needed them the most when I was younger, nor when I got older, so this is simply the final end of the game. I am taking my toys and going home, never to return. And for that, I am grateful, as I have been ostracized too much, too long. Yes, it is sad, but it cannot be helped. Some people are just not suited to be with their biological parents. I am one of them.

How Do You Know It Is Finally Time to Move On?

2012-05-07T14:21:00.000-07:00

A huge part of my psyche has been shaped by my parents. They are both still alive and live approximately 3 hours away by car. Needless to say, I visit rarely, and now with the gas prices being the way they are ($3.89/gallon) as well as a one way payment of $10 in tolls for the turnpike, I shake my head and tell myself it all is not worth it. When they lived 2 hours away, I had no problem visiting and would drop in unannounced. However, they rarely, if ever, come to visit me. Over all the years I have been out of their house at age 18, I can probably count on one hand the times they have come to visit my places. And yes, that hurts. It makes me feel like I am not good enough. Makes me feel like my place is not worth coming to.

My abode is clean. I have two cats and I take care of the litter pan religiously. Right now I need to take care of cleaning the kitchen; I have some dishes that need tending to as well as some bags to be put out in the recyclable bin. But it's not something that is crucially needed to be taken care of. In the meantime, I have had nothing but grief with my parents, especially my mother. My mother lived her unsettled life through me and I am not good enough as a person because I am not working due to permanent disabilities, both mental and physical. Right now my father is ailing with Alzheimers disease/bipolar/dementia. My mother has A-fib which rears its ugly head when she becomes agitated. When my oldest nephew passed away as a result of a fluke car accident three years ago, our family totally fell apart. My brother was incensed at my parents' lack of sympathy and being unable to comfort him and his family like they should have. The 'rents stated they could not come down to visit my nephew, who was in a coma until his passing. I firmly believe my brother and sister-in-law were wanting to pull the plug and wanted everyone possible to come pay their respects before they did so. (I have never asked my brother if that was indeed true.) The last straw came a couple weeks ago. I had been calling to speak with my mom EVERY SINGLE DAY to check on their situation. I visited once two years ago and instead of staying for a week, I left after a day and a half because I couldn't deal with the back biting, the sniping, the comments. Haven't been back since. Anyhow, I had called and gotten no response so I took it upon myself to call the hospital. Yes, she was admitted due to divertiiculitis. The problem was that my father could not be left alone. Turns out my uncle and aunt live five doors down the block and would check in on him. Both my brother and I received e-mails assessing the situation. It came down to me going up to take care of my father. Well, I refused. He has stopped eating and has a major attitude. He is a shell of the man I remember. I discussed it with my therapist and psychiatrist, and we all agreed that me going up would not be beneficial to my health, either physically or mentally. I am not comfortable with my mother pressing me for details about previous situations in my life. I didn't like the way she was (and is) treating my father. She belittles him at every turn. (He had unbeknownst to her taken a substantial amount of money from the joint account and spent it on scratch-off lottery tickets. He had taken out loans and my mother knew nothing of it.) My mother was admitted to the hospital for several days and it was expected of ME to go take care of my father. Sorry. Not going to happen. I would call - I admit not every day - to see how things were. I didn't want to hear the complaints about my brother not calling, which I would hear every single time I called. I was/am sick of it. At one point, my mother said something about me not calling having to do with me waiting for both she and my father to die so I can get my inheritance. I laughed. I said you have told me more than once that there IS no money left so I wasn't expecting any money. My mother was so taken aback she was speechless. Is money worth the guilt trip? Nope. My friends would never let me go hungry or be homeless. I firmly believe that. I take care of my own bills. Yeah, there isn't much left over at the end of the month, but everything is paid except for some medical bills.

I realized they were not answering my phone calls two weeks ago and I got angry. I left biting remarks on their answering machine. A friend suggested I change my attitude and call and leave a positive message on their machine. I agreed! I called and whoops! my father answered the phone. He was speechless. I said this is your daughter. KABLAM! He started screaming bloody murder at me, something about waiting to hear from the car dealer because apparently something major is wrong with the car, how dare I not come up and take care of him when my mother was admitted to the hospital - I said I called you to see how you and mom were doing. And I hung up. The day progressed. An hour went by and my cell phone rang again. It was my father ranting and raving all the more. I was not going to listen to the crap and I opened my mouth to tell him to knock it off. Also, I said funny, when my brother doesn't call, you call him every day, but me? You just drop off the face of the earth. I said it's not my fault you don't keep your cell phone on all the time like normal people. It's also not my fault that you don't answer the home phone. I actually called the hospital both times to see if my mother was admitted ~ they weren't planning on contacting me or my brother. He continued yelling at me and I simply cut off the connection. I will be 50 years old next year. I am not going to continue with the abuse being heaped on me. I have done nothing wrong. It is my decision not to give up my precarious mental life and take care of my ailing parents. And I am all right with that decision. Thank God for good friends who I consider my real family. It is time to move on and let the crap go. I cannot continue to improve my mental life with them in my life. Yes, honor thy father and mother is a big issue. But I firmly believe that in order to get respect, you gotta give it. I haven't received any. I've been called worthless, a bum, among many other detrimental words. It's time for me to stand up, face forward, and continue on my journey without my parents telling me what to do. I have to live my life my way. Yes, I have made mistakes, but I always get up and say "You're not done yet, keep going." For that, I am truly grateful. And Lord? Thanks for listening all these years to my constant kvetching. I will now truly keep it down to a mimimum.

2012-05-04T05:30:00.002-07:00

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I purchased a pura vida bracelet (www.puravidabracelets.com) in the color of bipolar awaremess: mint green, white and kelly green. Still am waiting for it to arrive! Let's see if I can wear the bracelet for some time. I really am not a jewelry person. Yesterday I received the Wellbutrin I was waiting for. Started taking it this morning. Hope it works satisfactorily. And quickly too! Unfortunately, I must go back to bed in a few minutes, as I am exhausted (what's new?). My head is bobbing and my eyes are fluttering. Yes, time for me to head in and lie down for no longer than an hour. God Bless all of you and wish you a lovely day!

Changing of the Guard - Whoops, I Meant Meds!

2012-04-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

Today I had an emergency appointment with my therapist as well as my psychiatrist. I must tell you all that after all the years of trying to find people who honestly care about my health and well-being, I finally found two men who fit the bill. I explained my constant feelings of exhaustion and need to sleep up to 14 hours a day. I expressed my resentment that I am gaining so much weight while taking two anti-psychotics. My therapist said that since I stopped smoking cold turkey 10 weeks ago that could be a big part of me being so tired - no nicotine, no stimulants to my system. He wrote everything down and I then saw my psych. I said can I stop taking some and decrease the anti-psychotics? He said stop taking the Luvox immediately, drop to 400 mg of Seroquel a day, and he wrote me a scrip for 150 mg of Wellbutrin, which will be increased to 300 mg in a month. He echoed my therapist's thoughts. They were both ecstatic that I quit smoking. Now I have to change my diet and exercise more. Will this ever end? I mean, it took me YEARS to stop smoking and I'm still reveling in the glow of my accomplishment - can I just have some time to say YAY ME!? Just a little bit of happiness? I am happy that I'm changing meds; I was on Wellbutrin before and I did lose weight. We are just very concerned that it will make me manicky, so I must be vigilant and careful of mood swings. Hope y'all are having a good day ~ it is sunny, bright and in the 60s here ~ thank You God for the blessings!!!

2012-04-19T16:49:00.002-07:00

I would like to get into the topic of exhaustion and bipolar disorder. I take no less than ten medications daily for my bipolar disorder, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. A couple are anti-psychotic meds. I have gained a LOT of weight and am planning on speaking to my psychiatrist and therapist when I see them next week. The reason(s)? I am sleeping almost constantly. I go to bed at 11 pm and fall asleep within ten minutes. I sleep until approximately 6 am. I wake up, get dressed and putter around the house. Within an hour I am exhausted and go back to bed. It is not uncommon for me to sleep until 3 pm. That's 8 more hours of sleep. I stay up about an hour then go back to bed. I feel so listless and drugged I cannot begin to explain it adequately. I will get back up around 7 pm, watch some TV, then go in for the night at 11, and start all over again... Do I have chronic fatigue syndrome? Am I depressed big time? Have I contracted mono? Perhaps I am bored. I have no idea. I saw my cardiologist yesterday and he thinks it is the amount and types of meds I take. He also increased my blood pressure medication as my BP is on the elevated side. Any comments would be helpful; thanks for listening!

In Memory of Dick Clark, 1929 - 2012

2012-04-19T04:04:00.000-07:00

April 18, 2012 is now a very sad day in the entertainment industry. The legendary Dick Clark died of a massive heart attack at the age of 82. I had the great fortune of meeting Mr. Clark in Hershey, PA back in the 80s. I asked him to confirm if Barry Manilow got his "big break" on American Bandstand back in 1975. He said it was true and he was pleased to be a friend of Barry's. Mr. Clark is a legend in the broadcast industry and got his start as a disc jockey in Philadelphia, PA. He became host of the wildly popular "American Bandstand" music show. I remember every Saturday afternoon I would watch to see what the new styles in clothing were, up to date hairdos, and of course new dance steps were. He will also be forever known as the "New Year's Rckin' Eve" host. The show began in 1972 (when I was 9) and it was my "babysitter" for many years until I was old enough to go out New Year's Eve and party with friends. Still, we would turn on the TV and sure enough, there would be Dick counting down the final 30 seconds of Decembers gone by, Mr. Clark, you were a part of my musical life and for this I thank you. As you said, "Music is the soundtrack of your life." Amen. And may you rest in peace. God Bless.

Happy Easter - Happy Passover - Feliz Pescoa!

2012-04-08T12:33:00.002-07:00

I would like to wish all my Christian friends a Happy and Blessed Easter and to my Jewish friends, Happy Passover. Feliz Pescoa to my Hispanic friends! If you don't fall into any of these categories - have a GREAT day! Happy Spring!

Another Part of My Life Gone...and Life Does Go On...

2012-03-30T05:58:00.002-07:00

With the advent of Facebook, I can say I have reconnected with childhood friends, grade school and high school classmates, and Manilow pen pals I conversed with back in the late 1970s, among others. I don't know about you, but I can say it has made a profound change in my life. For that I am grateful. Yesterday I took a chance and punched in the name of a person that was an instrumental part of my life during sophomore year in high school (1977-1978). Immediately it came up "Living Memorial for ______ _______". She had a very unique name but I wanted to make sure it was her. True enough, one post had information that I knew was personal enough to confirm it was indeed a page dedicated to her. Unfortunately, she had died last month. With a heavy heart, I read the posts. Friends expressed their condolences and feelings about my friend. Her daughter said she was so glad _____ was her mother and she was grateful _______ took care of her and her children. Now I must say my friend and I had an interesting relationship. She lived on the West Coast in a major city. We were friends through the "magic of Manilow". When I would have arguments with my parents, I would run out of the house up the street to a pay phone and call her collect, sobbing in frustration. ________ always had kind words to say. We started making arrangements for me to move across the country to be with her. My life was totally unbearable. It was the beginning of my descent into hell thanks to rapid severe cycling bipolar disorder. But it would be four more years until I was officially diagnosed with the disease. ______ and I wrote to each other every single day. It took four days for a letter to be delivered. Therefore, if she mailed a letter on Monday, I would receive it on Thursday, Tuesday on Friday, and so on. And I'm not talking about a skimpy one page letter - I mean letters from eight to twelve pages long. She told me things would get better. Unfortunately, the talk eventually drifted to sexual tones and comments. My parents got hold of the letters and unbeknownst to me, they contacted her and threatened a lawsuit if she did not cease and desist all communication immediately. I didn't know of this until I called and she said she couldn't speak to me anymore. She explained what happened and I was hysterical. I actually had a physical ache in my heart. There went my "out". I knew I would never make it through high school. Consequently, I attempted suicide by downing an entire bottle of Stelazine (known back then as "the happy pill"). My father was so angry at me - he called the neighborhood pharmacist and asked what he should do. He was told in no uncertain terms to get me to the ER immediately to have my stomach pumped. Never happened - but I slept for three days straight. My descent into the dark abyss continued for years. Suicide attempts continued. But I never forgot ______; I just wish I had been able to contact her before she passed away to tell her I was doing a lot better. I'll never forget her. Just another part of my complicated life lived, and another person who touched my life, however brief, is gone.

Barry Manilow: It's No Secret!

2012-03-20T06:29:00.000-07:00

   Well, for the two people in the world who don't know this by now, I am a Manilow fan.
   And no, I am NOT a Fanilow.
   I cringe when I hear that description of Manilow fans. I don't go to Manilow parties, I don't blast "Copacabana" on my car stereo. Even Barry scoffs at the moniker.
   I have had the good fortune of meeting him several times and every opportunity was fantastic. I even worked for him in 1987 during his book-signing tour. Barry is an absolute gentleman and fun to be with.
   When I was in high school, I was an absolute geek. I became totally captivated by the total Manilow mystique and consequently, the name "Barry Manilow" and my name became synonomous. I went to my 30th high school reunion in 2010 and many gals asked about Barry and me. I had lots to tell them!
   I can say that he is an instrumental part of my life. I, as many people, had a lot of troubles growing up. His music got me through the rough times. For that, I am eternally grateful. Thank you, Barry, for sharing your musical talents with the world! God Bless!

2012-03-19T05:18:00.004-07:00

I love this commercial from Target!
I remember "Alouette" - a nursery rhyme from my childhood. Target has taken this song and exploded it! The acrobats jump from scene to scene, changing ordinary items into colorful things like lamps, pillows, tableware. I like the gaily-colored suits the acrobats wear. And I must say that the commercial reminds me very much of one of my high school classmates, who will be known as "J". She is fluent in several languages, including French. Every time I see this, I think of J in a happy way.

Cincinnati Defeats Florida State, 62-56

2012-03-19T03:59:00.001-07:00

It's the end of the tourney for the Florida State men's basketball team. The Cincinnati Bearcats pulled out a win last night in Nashville, defeating the Seminoles 62-56. Hopes were dashed for a Sweet 16 position for the Seminoles. Great season, guys; you are still ACC champs!

2012-03-18T17:00:00.003-07:00

Spongebob Squarepants - Lots of Double Entendres and Fun!

2012-03-18T11:45:00.001-07:00

    My guilty pleasure is Spongebob Squarepants...
    Five years ago I woud babysit my neighbor's three year old daughter. She was into Dora the Explorer, Backyardigans, Go Diego Go, and Spongebob. I never had understood the cult following of this yellow sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea.
   Well.
    I began watching the cartoon and hells bells, I was laughing uproariously at the double entendres. I believe it is this generation's Bugs Bunny. His cohorts Patrick Star, Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and Spongebob's pet snail Gary are spot on to make anyone in a bad mood laugh. I never thought I would admit that I would enjoy this cartoon as much as I do, but I do...in this world full of violence, it's just a little window which can offer fun and laughter to kids as well as adults. Spongebob Rocks!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2012-03-17T06:06:00.000-07:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all - whether you are Irish or Irish for just a day! Have a fun day/night - but PLEASE - if you are drinking, DO NOT DRIVE. Get a designated driver or take a cab. Be safe! Slainte!

Florida State Seminoles Beat Bonnies, 66-63!

2012-03-16T14:17:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to the Florida State Seminoles men's basketball team, seeded #3 in the March Madness tourney, for beating St. Bonaventure 66-63 in the second round March 16th! Next up are the Bearcats from Cincinnati Sunday, March 18th! FEAR THE SPEAR!! NOLES ROCK!

Weather Changes Aggravate My Bipolar Disorder

2012-03-15T04:25:00.000-07:00

Good morning! Today's temps will be in the high 60s! The sun has risen and it promises to be a bright and beautiful day. I didn't get much sleep last night. The sudden change in weather really messes up my attitude and moods. So much for winter easing into spring - spring does not officially arrive until next Tuesday - we are destined to experience a slam into a possible summer-like environment. Across the country today it will go into the 80s! As I said, this sudden and major shift of temperatures does not help me stay on an even keel. It is true, at least for me, that warmer weather keeps me positive. But the ever changing up and down temps shift my rapid cycling bipolar disorder into an avalanche of confusion, agitation and restlessness. The solution for me at this moment? I will be going in to nap for several hours and hope that when I awake I will feel better. Does anyone else have this problem? Blessings be...

Phi Theta Kappans - Where Are You?

2012-03-14T18:45:00.000-07:00

Another fulfilling aspect of my life I'd like to share with you is that I am a proud Phi Theta Kappan since 1990! I was inducted into the Rho Upsilon chapter at Community College of Philadelphia. I also was voted in as Pennsylvania state president of Phi Theta Kappa later that year. However, I was unable to fulfill my duties due to my bipolar illness. It was very discouraging to me to have to forfeit my post. I had lots of fun going to leadership meetings and happily gave many PTK hugs to my fellow Greeks! Are any of you also a PTK'r? Share your thoughts and experiences! And special PTK hugs to you!

2012-03-14T17:46:00.001-07:00

Am still trying to figure this blogging thing out. There are a lot of things I would like to add but have no clue how to add keywords or pictures, and I don't think it is fair for me to keep expecting my friend to add to my blog when in essence it is my blog...you know what I mean? So I will start experimenting on my blog for sure. I have no plans tomorrow, so I have no responsibilities to handle. Would like to know how y'all are feeling; I'm looking to make friends through this blog and hope some of y'all do too! Have a great night!