. . .where you stop, nobody knows

Bagan Ends with What my Heart Wanted

2012-01-26T09:56:00.000-08:00

Later, back at the guesthouse, I saw how much money I had left and thought about giving it to my friend. I ran into the two women I saw in Mandalay who would not bring the $2 bill, surprised to see me. I was cordial and said I came back to help the boy(who helped me) and his family it was already a clear intent at that point.
Knowing that they share everything they have as a family. It seemed so extravagant to use my remaining money on solitary travel, now that I know them and saw what they face everyday. A chance encounter allowed me to wake up yet again. I could give them 205,000 Kyat (about $250) I had left, asking my friend if this would help when we were talking at a temple. It was then, that told me his appendix operation used the 115,000 kyat they had saved for a used motorcycle, and he was so happy and grateful. I kept wondering in my head what if they did not have the money for his operation. Just that afternoon Mom had to bicycle to a far away village to chop trees for money, I found out afterward when we talking at temple. At no time did he ever give me the impression that they needed money. They were very friendly, void of any requests, and certainly casual in interaction. It would help him when he goes to college, and his family to get around for work too far for a bicycle. You know they often ride three on a bike.

I decided to bring the money to dinner that his family wanted to prepare for me to give it to his father, so they could buy a used motorcycle or whatever they wanted. I put no restrictions on my gift. He and his brother picked me up on the old worn out motorcycle they had borrowed with no lights on it. And this time Mom and family were not embarrassed to have me eat at the house instead of in the garden, and she could try out the rice cooker and a neighbor told her what works best for ratios with their rice. She made my favorite fried fish and hot peanuts along with 10 other Burmese dishes all prepared with firewood. We talked and ate, my friend and I, while the family had eaten earlier this time. The youngest boy of 4, played a drum with great precision and joy. and kept us laughing. I had the following day until three to see a few more out of the way temples, I missed before, but I told him I had no demands. It is up to you. Time was flying by but this time I felt this was a natural ending to what my heart needed to do. In the morning we met and I bought him over a year’s worth of floss, and his Mom a half-kilo of curry powder she could never afford. I knew he did not chew betel nor smoke or drank, and could keep his teeth if he took care of them. In my head I am thinking about when I return to help him with a dental care and make sure he went to college. The rest of his family it is too late with all the betel they chew, even his 24 yr old brother. My friend had the most opportunity with his morals and goals with his college planned to help change his family’s future.

My last day we went to his father’s old temple where he had ordained, at my friend’s age. It had extensive underground caves to meditate in, some even tiled. It had fallen from popularity as the monks matured, but the whole area is very devout, but I feel that economics dictate that more people had to work or sell to tourists to eat. I would like to ordain there, because it is away from the tourists and could offer me time to develop my Jhanas. We sat on a quiet bench and said our good byes in a relaxed manor knowing I would return to at least see him follow his dreams. We sat down to meditate in the temple to wrap it up, and he gave Thanaka gift he bought. He made the whole trip special with his natural friendliness and made it into a real human experience rather than a photo journey. It really was not a sad goodbye, we both knew that the world just got a little smaller or my family bigger! I have chosen not to show a photo the family out of respect. END

This story starts with " Unexpected Kindness In Bagan" below

Back to Bagan

2012-01-26T09:21:00.000-08:00

I made it back to pack in Mandalay and leave for an afternoon flight back to Bagan and the guest house I stayed at before, who were so happy to see me return that I got a free ride wanting at the airport. It was all beginning to be seamless unlike Mandalay. I felt it would all be a breeze, took a deep breath and I grabbed a bike to find my friend. He was not at his friend’s bike stands, and so I rode to his house long the dirt road shortcut. I am pretty good with directions, guessing the road into his village, but off by one street. I know small villages, everyone knows each other and when I saw a young boy asked where his house was, and he lead me there. His mother was shocked to see me, ran to a neighbors house to get another boy to bike to get her son while I had tea she made. My friend arrived 40 minutes later and I said. “Guess what you asked about that I have?” He replied, “I forgot.” It was more a matter of things don't matter, but people do and he was just glad to see me again. I put an envelope in his hand and told him why I returned. With it, I bought 5 washable facemasks to wear while riding bikes in the dust to help save their lungs. It was great to see the ring on his brother’s hand, as he shared it with him because he wanted to wear it. That was something unheard of in USA. We made plans for the following day while mom cooked dinner again.
It was then that I decided to buy her a rice cooker, since they did have power and with 7 people it would make life easier. Early morning, we planned to meet at the village ordination ceremony called Shinbyu, where the boys are dressed as Buddha princes and shown off on horses. I found out this visit allowed me to see this once a year ceremony that happens after Full Moon festival. It has been happening yearly since the 11th century.

After that we planned we would bicycle to buy Mom’s rice cooker and take it by. And with the end of the day we planned to see his father’s ordination temple nearer my guest house. Continued...

This story starts with " Unexpected Kindness In Bagan" below

Times Running out in Mandalay

2012-01-26T07:58:00.000-08:00

Amarapura U Bein Bridge

Mahamuni Buddha

Amarapura U Bein Bridge

Kyauktawgyi Buddha

Kuthodaw Paya Tripitakas

Amarapura Sunset

This story starts with " Unexpected Kindness In Bagan" below

The Surprise that Sparked it All

2012-01-26T06:05:00.000-08:00

I awoke early and it became obvious what that the cause was. The time change did not register in my cell phone, because I had no SIM card in Myanmar. We took off at 8:30, and went to a gold leaf pounders shop first, and then it began to seem like a typical tourist trip. Everything from there on, took on an even greater feeling that this whole leg of the journey …that something was not right. Next stop, we went to see monastery morning alms round, and as soon as I saw tour buses, I walked in the opposite direction into a village and bought 40 drinking yoghurts to give them. I walked back and the taxi drivers near by helped me quickly unpack them. Instead of lining with other tourists to photograph them, I passed them out to the monks as they came from various buildings and lined up, avoiding all the shutterbugs at the opposite end. You can either live the life or photograph it but you can’t do both.

Moving on in the program, I felt like we had bought a tour so it all seemed lackluster. A hill of temples, boats ride, and horse cart but all at a local taxi’s price divided by 3. For a little excitement, I saw a government spy on the boat ride, dictating quietly in a hidden phone. Sure we saw bus tours and their guides paying 4 times what we did, but being lopped into the same tour it was getting old. At one site in Inwa, in an Asian leaning tower, Nanmyin I was asked by a vendor to change her dollars for Kyat and I quickly said yes, among three or four people. She pulled out the dollars out of her bag, and what was in it... but a new $2 bill. I just laughed, I get one now, after I leave Bagan. The mind just flew to Bagan. A few minutes later, in the horse cart, I was talking to the women about my experience in Bagan, since it was next on their route.

I told them about my friend there and asked them if would they take this $2 dollar bill to him saying he easy to find. I never got a real answer, but later went to ask again, at the end of our journey that day, and they just ignored me. On to Amarapura to see the U Bein's bridge, and they avoided me the entire time, which was just as well. I used this as yet another sign to get out of Mandalay, and I waited until they were done talking to the owner of the guest house, and told her of my plans to see if I can leave two days early, go to the airline office and change tickets to go back to Bagan. I thought I might as well make it a real surprise; I’ll give him the $2 bill in person since he thinks he won’t see me for another year. I managed to get the ticket changed free and buy one more leg, so damn easy that I had time to run around with a motorcycle taxi to see the temples I missed recommended by the Israeli earlier. While waiting early morning for the airline office to open we sat in a tea shop. It always amazed me how people would just crack a huge smile inviting them into their heart that I would see in the tea shop, and others coming by the pick-up some sweets to take. Continued...

This story starts with " Unexpected Kindness In Bagan" below

Waiting for the Dust to Clear in Mandalay

2012-01-25T23:02:00.000-08:00

On to Mandalay with the Isreali man, on a similar flight, I said, while at the airport I was talking to him, “I feel like Mandalay will pale in comparison to Bagan,” just like a fortune teller. At times I wish I could turn off my gut feeling. When we arrived we got the same taxi, in hopes to cut down the fair, but in general he was somber. There just was no joie de vivre with him, and he was already saying this would be my only trip here. Mandalay in the morning fog, smoke and dust was not a pretty sight, and I was trying to relax. When he said, “Well, there goes my light to photograph," and I was happy to leave him in the taxi when we got to my guesthouse.

The guesthouse owner was talking to me, after a cup of strong coffee, when suddenly without any abrupt or strenuous moves I had valsalva ‘attack’ where I could not talk to her. She said relax, and I looked at her with a puzzled face trying to figure why this happened. If I jump up or squat down fast can cause this, but this was becoming one more sign about Mandalay. I put my luggage in the room when done and walked out to go to the fort. Long dusty blocks faced me and I walked for an hour to get there, and there was nothing to see. Most of the fort is off limits and the only to see is a rebuilt ‘half-ass kings palace’, and aversion hit with full force. I walked to the top of the lookout, and saw a city smothered in an ugly haze overall. Luckily, I met a nice Burmese soldier and a Thai man working in Mandalay who I talked to and they warmed up my mood. I walked down to a tea stand and a German woman joined me for tea and treats. We talked travel and plans for an hour. I rested and it was already 2pm, and I have not seen much.

I grabbed a motorcycle taxi to the hill, skipping the temples that lay at the base; he rode me up the hill on the backside, getting there about 3:30pm to walk up the rest with ease. I ran into some English tourists that I kept seeing in different places and we chatted about the travel. They were sweet and relaxed. I saw the Israeli at the top, we talked about what he had seen, and what not to miss and then bid farewell. I stayed to photograph sunset from the top but I was non-plussed.

On the walk down the steps, I got hooked up with a chatty Monk about the school he has and he walked me down. I was cordial but did not like his hard sell approach, never giving me space. I guess he figured he could just pester me enough to give money, but I was having none of that knowing that money is not supposed to be a concern of monks. As soon as I got to the bottom I thanked him for his time and walked right to a motorcycle taxi, so fast that he had no more time with me. It seemed like the only way to get away, regardless of how honorable his school was. I made it back in time to have dinner at the guest house and talk some more with the owner, and plan my next day. We were to see surrounding cities with two other guests said the owner and we could split the pick-up truck taxi. Continued

This story starts with " Unexpected Kindness In Bagan" below

The Labor of Lacquer Ware

2012-01-24T04:21:00.000-08:00

This is a photo of my Burmese friend’s aunt(and her son) who makes lacquer ware from scratch for sale as a tourist item. She has to wet and spin bound the forms out of bamboo, gluing them, drying them. Next apply clay to smooth out the finish, drying then sanding it. And then add many coats of lacquer are applied letting each one of the dry. When that is all through, she engraves a scene, pretty amazing freehand. Maybe uses rulers for some, then she applies various paint colors to them. The price wholesale of the 6” piece she is working on the top of ...is only 5 cents. I was amazed at how much time is involved in each piece, so I guess when life seems a bit tough... remember this.

Unexpected Kindness In Bagan

2012-01-21T23:48:00.000-08:00

** double click on photos to enlarge

I flew to Nyaung U, to start my journey in Bagan still sick and tired on the full moon day. Arrived with ease and went straight to the guest house, and curled up in fetal position waiting for the antibiotic to kill the bacteria. I was without food for two days and pretty weak…but in remarkably good spirits… knowing I had five days to explore instead of rushing. I had made up my mind to not rush everywhere and just feel it out. I slept from 9 am to 4pm, and rushed out on a bike to Ananda Temple where the full-moon celebration was in full swing….all I had to is follow the Pali chants to its location. Buddha’s in the four directions in its interior and with monks and lay people in the courtyard chanting and meditating. It was my original plan to join them, but there was too much to see.

Around one side was a carnival and vendors selling everything from food to housewares, and bamboo mats. It was here that the ‘photo vultures’ were out in full force. I would watch tourists with their long digital lens stick them right up to a Burmese monk and shoot him without asking, and it was so invasive it almost made me abandon my cheap Samsung pocket camera all together. I had bought some mandarin oranges to eat, and shooting this lonely merry-go-round I began to feel sorry for the husband

and wife owners. No one was interested in having their kid ride, I think it was more about the cost as people in surrounding area are not able to afford. It was like 300kyat to ride the Ferris Wheel that had no engine. They just used the weight of the boys to awing it. Going up to them after shooting and giving them each two oranges, they were appreciative. Nearby was a tattoo stall with chairs in front working on a boys back who was obviously in pain. Then after watching the Myanmar singing and dancing show, I walked along the road out that lead to the temple, past the coat vendors to my bike that was parked in a motorcycle lot for a fee.

A young man sitting in a bamboo chair started talking, anxious about using his English, shoke my hand and said, “Your hands are cold!”, I returned with, “but a warm heart.” It was a cold night and all I had on was a light coat. This was enough to start our conversation and out of curiosity he asked about the length of time I had there and what was I doing next. I said, “it’s the full moon and I am torn between sitting at temple or seeing more.” He offered to take me, by bicycle to a near-by temple and go up to the roof. “My cousin’s family are keyholder’s of this temple.” I said, “cool, of course I’ll go.’ Bicycling in the dark we went down the paved road and turned off on a dirt road, with him pointing a flashlight behind him on the ground. We got to a bamboo hut behind the temples and we parked our bikes while he went inside to get the key. This was exciting, and I was charmed with his hospitality, there was no feeling that he was out for anything more. Climbing a darked, locked, tiny stairwell to the top of this pagoda. He said we can sit in between the low wall and relax, “I am in no rush and it is up to you when we go down. If you are happy, we are happy!” Ananda’s lights were on, with the monk chanting in the distance under the full moon brightness… it was enchanting. I was in heaven, and it was hard not to say, “WOW!” Thinking I could die now. I shot a few more timed photographs, and on the way down shot the Buddha inside capturing the bat as you can see. The young man and I were talking about my plans for the following days and he offered to bicycle with me to show me temples. I think it was solely based on his opportunity to hear and speak English, and I apologized for my odd speech. He did not care and so we planned the following morning to meet me at my guest house at 8am, and I did not know his village was 7 or 8 km away. In the morning I asked the staff at the guest house, “How much does one pay a guide per day?” and they replied, 16,000kyat(about $20). So, I kept it in my mind, and got two waters for me and the young man and we took off seeing temples (both on and off the map) in a relaxed bike ride, and when the sun was hot. I treated him for lunch. In the late afternoon, we went to one large temple to shoot, arriving before everyone else and it was here that I notice the photo vultures were out in full force again, shooting the young man while I was taking his photo, it was so rude. It just made me put my camera away more and be a lot more sensitive to others.That evening we had dinner, and he so appreciative that it was very obvious he accompanied me with no other demands underlying, so when he left me at my guest house, I gave him the 16,000 kyat, saying, "That is for your work"….and he was shocked.

I said the next day off while I have a horse cart appointment, that I had booked before coming, and I’m sorry. It was interesting on the horse cart, but you can’t really cover as much area as a bike, and the guide was only marginally more knowledgeable than the young man with a lot less charm…it was business, and it lacked any passion. I did it solely to keep my word, looking forward to the following day to continue with the young man. In biking around I asked him about Mt. Popa, I had put my name out there if any tourists would like to share a ride there. I had a gut feeling it would not be as great as the time with the young man and I discussed my reservations, and he said some don’t like Mt. Popa, others do. He then told me he planned on having me over his family’s house for a full Burmese dinner in thanks for the money I gave him. I had mentioned my first day with him that I would like to pound down my Dad’s wedding and put the gold leaf on a Buddha in Bagan. I had worn it since his death in 1990, and I have resolved his death in the 22 years that past since. We talked about being able to find someone there to melt down and do it. But over dinner on our second day of bicycling I gave him photos I took of him on a disc, and my heart just told me to give the ring to him. I felt he was more important than a “dead Buddha” and he could sell it if he needs to. In my eyes he was a Buddha, and his calm, mindful presence could never be expressed enough by me. He was of course shocked, but gracious in his acceptance, saying you have given me two firsts in my life, the money and the ring. I said reincarnation takes places in the hearts of other living people you touch, and you touched me.

My guest house told me they had two other people wanting to go to Mt Popa and I just went with this news in my efforts to let things naturally unfold. We took off at 8am with and older Israeli man, a English woman and a German couple who I bonded with. On the way up, I noticed vendors selling plants and spying a few roses, told the driver to stop on the way, down so I can buy one for his mother. Mt. Popa had some nice views, but for some strange reason did not feel as sacred, I guess because it was home to 37 Nats(spirits) and full of monkeys. I brought some nuts for them, throwing over the edge from the top to where they could eat them without disturbing people climbing the long stairs up.

I was back at the guest house at 4pm, with the rose plant for his mother, and he came with his brother on a borrowed motorcycle to take me to his house. Foreigners are not allowed to ride motorcycles in Bagan unless they have a license to drive. To keep them from injuries so, he put his arm up to cover my head as we drove past the police on the road. We drove to a dirt road by the temples and he had a buffalo cart waiting for me for the final ride to his village as a surprise. Riding in the back as the sun was setting among temples was magical. When we got to his village we stopped at his house, and his Mom had fixed a huge dinner, and they had decided to set it up in their nearby vegetable garden hut among pumpkins, greens and okra with candles in a bamboo shelter. They were going to have me eat first as a guest, but I asked my new friend to join me. His Mother and Father and an Aunt came by to make sure everything was Ok for me…laughing.

He spoke of his appendicitis caused by eating to many nuts and hard things that he had done last year when 18, in the course of talking to him over dinner. And they rarely eat more than two meals per day. We talked about my next visit perhaps in a year and it seemed so very far away. The money he had earned with me was given to his family, as they share in everything. He told me that they had a hard time 2 years ago, and their house is on a uncles land, but the garden plot was theirs. He had hopes of continuing college in electrical engineering, with tuition promised by a French tourist. By the discussion he seemed like he was headed in a good direction to help his family get out of making bamboo walls(father) and chopping trees for income(mother). There was a certain confidence he had in his situation that never seemed desperate. His family was curious and very relaxed with me, with a whole lot less of the formalities of the Thai’s. He asked about a $2 bill having only seen one once, I have none and that they are kind of rare in US, since they are not used. I said, "But, If I had one I would give it to you". He said he would pray for me on my birthday and asked for the date to write down. His mother had papaya and oranges to eat with tea for desert. It was time to say our good-byes and his mother took the remaining food for their family to eat, so that when we walked to his house they were eating my left-overs. I got a motorcycle ride back to the guest house and said thanks for everything. Saying, “I will send my family or friends to see you if they come, but I should be back in a year.” There was no sadness and we both felt that we will meet soon, and it was a nice ending to my time in Bagan.

Any kindness I have learned was most certainly learned. Dedicated to Sue who went out of her way to help me on this path, Sue died early this month. She lives on in my heart.

Burmese Daze

2012-01-20T00:07:00.000-08:00

My first trip to Myanmar was solo, born out of a desire to see Bagan for years. My partner had given me the gold bracelet to sell to buy domestic tickets to fly while there. But, I could not sell it….yet. The political situation there was just beginning to ease, and since I had held off for ten years now was the time when my partner had told me of a airline sale last summer. I booked 13 days, and it became quickly obvious while there, that 13 days is not enough time. I then decided to not rush between cities to get the most of the time there, but instead to just spend 3-5 days in a few places and let things unfold naturally.

I arrived Yangon early morning, and once I dropped off luggage at my guest house, I headed with two European women on a local bus for Shwedagon Pagoda. One paid my way on the bus, because I had no time to change money since I arrived.

We split and walked around. An hour later, I was walking around when a gold and diamond earring-like object fell at my feet from the top of Shwedagon. It was like a ¼ carat diamond in a gold setting that was probably given to the Pagoda for the umbrella. I looked at at a Burmese couple near by and showed it to them, then just gave it to them knowing as Myanmar people they would give it the right person on the property. I know they have a firm sense of kamma and would never keep it, as much as I do. I spent another two hours there talking to monks and shooting photographs.

I later went to change money at the market, and have a late Indian lunch with a Myanmar man I met. He showed me around and then we when back to Shwedagon for sunset. My first night ended with a late dinner of spicy eel.

On the second day I talked with another monk(named the same as my home sangha, Aloka) for an hour at Sule Pagoda, and mentioned that I wanted to bring food for the novices. He said we can go the following day to a Wat near his small temple, so I made an appointment with him. That evening I stopped at a few book stores to find dhamma books and being referred to one, I got to talking to the owner, who gave me his card and was excited to be able to help a fellow buddhist find a temple to meditate in when I return. I have to get a meditation visa, and he will help with the letter of acceptance when I do wrap it up.

This was one of the many people who would go out of their way to help, even when there is no financial gain or kickbacks. I found a really good Kid's Vipassana primary in English, and it stirred up my desire to teach kids to meditate. It sure would helped me as a young man.

In the way out of the guest house I bought enough food for 100 novices, and treats knowing that the small boys are allowed to eat in the evening since they are growing. I found a local man who helped with the transaction and he got a cigarette tip from the owner of the shop. We walked over to give the food at morning meal at temple and I got to talk to the head monk who then gave me a tour of his school. It combines dhamma and regular subjects in what feels like a relaxed atmosphere. I saw novices reading after morning meal, with no formality.They all smiled at me at me from behind various books on geography and sports.

The head monk said he has two schools and luckily in a well–off suburb in Yangon. And because of this the sangha nearby who cooks for the monks provides great meals. And with all coincidences in life the head monks name(Sorado) was the same as the one I sat with in Chonburi for two weeks in October. I wanted to go to a needy monastery but so was my luck this time.

The day continued with Aloka seeing other temples and talking until ‘the bacteria’ got me, and I had to head back to the guest house to get on my antibiotics I brought.
It was the cusp of a full moon and who knows what might happen. Anyway I owe a Myanmar family copies of the photograph of their new son I took at Shwedagon because I had the camera skills to do so...and I promised. From the window of my guest house I shot a Buddhist full moon procession in the street. It became obvious early on to get the camera out of your face and interact with the lovely Burmese.

New Year's Wisdom from a Real Source

2011-12-30T08:27:00.000-08:00

(click on photos to enlarge)

HAPPY NEW YEAR !

I've come to the understanding this year especially with my current journey away from "home" that I don't know anything. My experience in life, although somewhat unique...will never transfer over to others unless I naturally come from a realized place. This may mean I might have to shut up, to give others the space to see themselves. This happens with some monks I have encountered where I ordained or meditated with. They let you, see youself.

TREAT EACH HUMAN FRIEND BY THINKING THAT :

He is our friend who was born to be old, become ill, and die, together with us.
He is our friend swimming around in the changing cycles with us.
He is under the power of defilements like us, hence he sometimes errs.
He also has lust, hatred, and delusion, no less than we.
He therefore errs sometimes, like us.
He neither knows why he was born nor knows nibbana, just the same as us.
He is stupid in some things like we used to be.
He does some things accordingly to his own likes,

the same as we used to do.
He also wants to be good,

as well as we who want even more to be good - outstanding - famous.
He often takes much and much more from others whenever he has a chance, just like us.
He has the right to be madly good, drunkenly good, deludedly good, and drowning in good,

just like us.
He is an ordinary man attached to many things, just like us.
He does not have the duty to suffer or die for us.

He is our friend of the same nation and religion.
He does things impetuously and abruptly just as we do.
He has the duty to be responsible for his own family, not for ours.
He has the right to his own tastes and preferences.
He has the right to choose anything (even a religion) for his own satisfaction.
He has the right to share equally with us the public property.
He has the right to be neurotic or mad as well as we.
He has the right to ask for help and sympathy from us.
He has the right to be forgiven by us according to the circumstances.
He has the right to be socialist or libertarian in accordance with his own disposition.
He has the right to be selfish before thinking of others.
He has the human right, equal to us, to be in this world.
If we think in these ways, no conflicts will occur.

— Buddhadasa Bhikkhu
Translated by Buddhadasa Indapanno
Mokkhabalarama, Chaiya
22 May, 2531

A Liberated Mind?

2011-12-28T07:29:00.000-08:00

In the pursuit of wisdom in the midst of a slight funk I was reading Buddhadasa Bhikkhu on Anapanasati Bhavana about seeing if the mind is stable(done in meditation). "Normally most common people have not been emancipated spiritually in so far as the mind is concerned, so how are we going to know what a liberated mind is like? The answer is to think of the reverse of the present troubled state of mind. For example(s), if at present the mind is full of worries, a liberated mind will be just the opposite—free from all worries, if the mind clings to happiness, a liberated mind clings to nothing, not even happiness; if the present mind is troubled, chaotic and full of suffering, a truly liberated mind will be free of troubles, peaceful and calm. This is the way to picture what a liberated mind is like."

Now, we all know you can implement this in daily life as the person who meditates is the exact same one who is out trying to make sense out of daily life. We can chose to let go of mental images that provoke dis-ease and start to introduce joy even under the most difficult situations. So, how do you see yourself?

Because I think this can be an entry point. Case in point, I like people to know that I have a brain injury, so they know why talking is difficult for me, but upon further examination no one can know your suffering or understand it, they have their own and are really engaged in their own. So, exactly why would they trade sides?

A Little Bit of Joy

2011-12-24T22:36:00.000-08:00

“An event becomes an experience

only when I am emotionally interested.

I am in a state which is complete,

which seeks not to improve on itself.

Of what use is experience to me?”

— Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

10 Silent Minutes with Buddha

2011-12-22T18:38:00.000-08:00

Can't fine the ideal time or the place to meditate?

Here you go, take 10 minutes. No surprises.

The Purpose of Samadhi

2011-12-09T22:19:00.000-08:00

“So we see that it is most important to know about our self. How we came to be born, how we will be reborn, and when we sleep and dream what is the cause and condition for it. And again, when our thought flash here and there each moment, what it is all about.

Now that which flashes here and there in thought is called the ‘heart’. Before coming here, when still at home, your thought had already flashed here, is that not correct? And the next instant, did it not flash off to other things elsewhere? Now you are seated here, your thoughts flash back home, and elsewhere...

The purpose of is Samadhi to control these flashings of the ‘heart’. If we are able to control these flashings and keep the mind still, then he mind will attain to great power, to great utility, to great purity, and be able to achieve whatsoever the mind intends. The mind which is uncontrolled, flashing here and there, is a force which is being wasted in all directions, like a river flowing from the heights, which channelling off into streams and tributaries loses its original impetus and force. If this force were to be damned up, the power would be indeed great and could turn a great machine. So it is with the concentrated and controlled mind....”

— Teachings of

the Venerable Chao Khun Monkol-Thepmuni, Wat Pak Nam

When Wisdom Slips in the Back Door

2011-11-29T05:01:00.000-08:00

I’ll pass this along in hopes that it helps someone else. My partner asked me to go running Monday, and we took a bus to the park and started. Shortly, he was fast ahead of me and I was running alone. I knew he had a goal in mind, but then my “I” started to feel left out. Annoyance crept in while running, I said in my head, “Why ask me to go running with you and then take off, what is the point?” The annoyance stewed into a bit more working its way toward anger. Yes, I will say it to him when we meet at the stretching bars area. So, since I had quite a bit to go, I ran it though my head, I’ll just tell him, I am going home there is no point in me being here. When I said the ‘me’ part, something sounded wrong. Then I thought that any confrontation, or showing my displeasure will throw a wrench into his happiness and bounce back on me. Obviously, this is what he wants to do right now, and again he rarely, if ever does things with any intention to hurt me. He is just setting high goals for himself that’s all, and hey, guess what? I get to enjoy his hard work, too.

I ran my course, got some water, and in effect let my annoyance go by looking at I really want. We met at the bars, and in a short time he and I were done stretching, and we walked back happily and I never said a thing. I was not just keeping a lid on it, I, instead fully examined my anger and let go of the “me” quotient. We walked to get dinner items with joy and then he bought me a sports drink. When home, he prepared dinner and laid it out, no questions. He was tired and happy. After dinner he gave me a kiss and laid his head in my still sweaty lap. He was showing his appreciation for me, and I gave him a kiss and said, “Let me shower, Na!”

The following day we went running in the park again, and without a blink… he ran only at my pace, sometimes inspiring me to run faster. This was all done without me saying what I wanted the previous day. I told him thanks, and he said, “I will run one lap with you and then workout and let you run a bit further.” By the time I ran my share and got to the bars he was ready to go, with ease and great timing. We arrived home again and I said you go shower I’ll prepare dinner, and I did laundry. He was very thankful I did it all, he had a hard day at work. Two days of bliss that I would have missed if I started my Monday with a needy demand. I felt so lucky to have some wisdom come to me during my cool down. Or perhaps it was my own words from when in the past, I've said, “I really want to make his life easier,” slipped in the back door to greet me with open arms.

Moving out of Body: a quick trip.

2011-11-23T08:47:00.000-08:00

Seeing an overseas Dr. is always is a gamble, but here I was in his office discussing “our” non-surgical approach. I relaxed immediately, sensing a caring soul who saw my point. He assessed with pressure and movement where exactly my problem lie. Shortly, after an in depth conversation he had me lie down to do deep needle therapy on my shoulder joint. My guess is it brings blood flow to the joint capsule, thus helping to heal the muscles that are inflamed that attach. Of course a few times he hit right on target, but since these are acupuncture needles they rarely hurt. I was relaxed with the trust I had in this stranger, and I left my body! It wasn’t a quick nap, as I was conscious nor a pain response because it was not that painful. When he asked how I am is very particular way, I think that he sensed I was not in the room, then I came back into my body. The only way I know this is from my near death experience and some rare instances in meditation. I was pleasantly shocked and wanted to talk to him right then about it and we finished up the needles I let it go. I left after making a follow-up physical therapy appointment.

Later that day, in the evening while in bed, I came to realize that my partner is enlightened. A new revelation based on the way he deals with me. Knowing that my nature tries to figure out the best by exploring every option, like for instance, finding a condo this trip that is good for him and me. His nature is never to get too excited about any one thing. So, when I continued to look for a better place thinking he wasn’t too impressed about this place, more like matter of fact, he just stood back and did not argue. He is very aware after 10 years together, it is my nature. There was not a need to make this into any disagreement, and it moved smoothly into me agreeing and settling here. All this was not a subtle power play, it was his innate intelligence or perhaps our previous life connection, as I had found the place in the first place. He has some qualities of enlightenment from knowing how people are. I am probably not explaining this well, but it did give even more appreciation for his being. How this ties into my out of body experience you might ask? It is that once we lose our body consciousness we naturally move towards compassion. Finding out... we are the other.

Rowing Quietly Upstream

2011-11-20T07:24:00.000-08:00

This came to me like an old 40w incandescent bulb. My partner is staying away this weekend because he is sick and he doesn’t want to infect me. I tell him it’s up to him, and said, "I don’t care if I have to take care of you like this." But like always, when he makes up his mind it is written in stone.

I feel I most likely die when I feel my partner is OK in life. Not that it will be a firm date, or even really planned... I'll just turn the boat around and join the rest of us. Nor does the OK state have some kind of qualifiers. I will pass much like my mother will pass once she feels we are all OK(I have a schizophrenic sister that is having a hard time). If look at where I am now, and what I have become. I probably won’t “be” anything but pure love, in most instances to my partner. I am constantly reminded that he is own person, lives his life with or without me. Not in a callus way, is still in a loving and appreciative of the impact I have made on his life. He rarely asks for anything, and most all of what I have contributed to make his life easier was done on my part out of love. I don’t want him to owe me anything, and I think all this came out of my near death. A force that propelled me to fight to live, leaving me to believe that there was a bigger picture I needed to address.

That to be in the world, or to more importantly to live in this world someone had to love you, like your mother, or father… in order for you to survive. My partner was raised by some village elders unrelated that acted like grandparents to him in his case. He feels indebted to his "grandmother" who had passed just before we met, I did meet his grandfather on two visits to his home and have a great picture of the two them. I will venture to say that is grandmother passed him on to me, and he was the closet to her and it shook him when she died. It was a miracle we met but we did so, just as soon as he got over the grief.

My survival from my hospital nightmare also had a love factor involved, my family, ex-partner and nurses made it all possible. So the best thing to come out of this freaky experience is the fact that I will be known for attempting to show love, above anything else I am, do or was capable of. I don’t need to “be” anything, but what I am right now, of course, with some improvement.

Just throw a little Natural Disaster in the Mix

2011-11-15T08:57:00.000-08:00

I arrive, to spend much deserved time with my partner. I had worked 6 months on my house, found a renter and it all seems like it was falling into place. The first weekend he had a four day break from his work which was great since my jet lag abated, but it was not as expected. He and his workmates had prepared for the Thai flood as much as they could, now it was just a waiting game.

He goes to work on Tues Oct. 18^th and it is dry, but just starting to bubble up from the sewer drains, By Friday, it was a swimming pool, and he surveyed the water on the company floor and said we should start pumping now, to save the equipment, because even with the sand bags and walls built — it was seeping inside slow enough to enable pumps to keep up. The boss was busy with all the chaos, and he did not have time to do it all. My partner doesn’t come back that weekend, and he says I should prepare to get out of my condo, because the water is coming there next. I rush out and buy what I can to store water in from the hardware store, because by now all bottled water was sold out everywhere. There is a chance the city drinking water, which we filter for our use, will be either lost or contaminated. I fill four huge plastic bins, but in reality that is only enough drinking water for two for one week. I was not fearful, I figured It would play out and I could just ride it out. He says you should get out, because my boss has set-up a temporary office in a city south of, and now I will have to work there until the water is gone.

So much for seeing each other, so I picked a temple nearby where his new office was to escape to for two weeks referred to by nuns at my home temple. Blessings to the nun that suggested this, as you could feel the joy from the abbot. I knew he would not come to visit, because quite frankly you don’t visit someone on a meditation retreat. He took the weekend, following all the work and slugging around in flood water, at the beach with his workmates, while I settled down into peace and acceptance.

I was not the only one there escaping the floods, and because I was the only farang there, I got a few English speakers questioning me. The abbot along with his daily dhamma talk would turn and face the sangha and with a smiley demeanor, tell the flood update. So, it was the talk around temple, even though we are supposed to be quiet. Nobody reprimands you in the Thai style, it up to you to let whoever spoke to you with a gesture of finger to the lips know that you would like to keep this silent. But around lunch and late night temple hot drink after prayers — it was hard to do, everybody talked, “flood.”

FInding it pretty easy to settle in, my own private kuti, with a mat on the floor and fans made it almost cool, and even nights I needed a light blanket. I did morning clean-up following others and I worked on cleaning on huge open air sala which you can see in the post before this one. All the ants, mice and birds make a mess in one day, so you have to mop it every morning....a great way to clear your mind. But also to made the morning meditation sleepy since you are up since 3 am, and have had breakfast you first meal in 15 hours. Many times I would find myself slumped over, folded in half ...snoring. A yogi knot, and a few times fellow meditators would come wake me up.

I can eat most all Thai food and spice is generally no problem, and I liked the Jok in the mornings the best. It just felt right. But after a week there I could tell something wasn’t right with my digestive track, and my mouth never felt clean after eating even when I brushed my teeth. Could it be the water I am using to brush my teeth, or the filter water I get from the free Thai osmosis machine? I tried not to obsess.

Well, 10 days into meditation I passed a worm, and it was such a testimony to meditation that I was fairly relaxed about it, yet did call my sis to find out what drug is best to use. This was the first time ever in all my travels, so it was a new experience. At dawn, I ran into one monk was helpful to me and with the help of one female Thai attendee, and they got me a strong pill to get rid of them with them. Later, when I was talking to an elder mae chi about my meditation and a Thai lady told her about my worm. She said I should have kept it alive and fed it while I was there meditating. Taking the precepts a bit far, I am saying in my head, considering that they eat pork, chicken and fish and are not vegetarians. I later figured it out that is most likely caused by slightly undercooked pork I got from the street in Bangkok, before I went to temple, but the food quality at the temple was less than safe.

All of the while I was think this trip is meant to trip me up, to throw more delicious challenges to see how far I have come with meditation. It has again proven again that all this does not affect my partner and I love for one another. We are dealing with a natural disaster, and I don’t want to throw any more stress into the picture. These photos are all his, click on them if you want to see them bigger.

A Little Peace

2011-11-14T19:10:00.000-08:00

I escaped the floods for two weeks by going to meditate at

Wat Bhaddanta Asahba {http://bhaddanta2.blogspot.com/}

Pleasantries

2011-10-21T10:37:00.000-07:00

A man sat next me on MRT on the way “home” tonight and asked me, “Where are you going?” I replied and he said, “The same for me.” You could say it could have beeen the icebreaker to conversation, or just exchanging pleasantries. It was nothing more than this. I looked at what my mind wanted to say more to establish my ‘me,’ needing to gain sympathy in order to prove my humanness. There is nothing I can say that would change his life or mine, so I relaxed and chuckled. He looked around to see what gathered my attention. I said nothing, and his phone rang and he excused himself because of human connection now. I smiled, and he would look to me occasionally to see what or who I am. But I am just on the same subway, the same path, with the same outcome as his, and we really don’t need to speak about it. We arrived near our stop and he got up and with an ever-so-light gesture moved his body to say we are here. I stood up casually and smiled and let out a sigh. I know.

At Any Given Moment

2011-10-20T22:11:00.001-07:00

Why not let it come and go without a trace? Personal history is dead weight.

–Ajahn Succito, Rude Awakenings

I am playing with this one, barely pulled the camera out in 10 days(this is the first shot), and spend more time watching my mind react to things I like and don’t like. This has actually made me lighter and happier. We went running in the park, and it started to rain and I thought this would help cool me down. Wondering at the light through the rain drops, it became an asset instead of a liability. When I suggested that my partner’s too deep sit-ups might cause back injury, he just dismissed it as "his play, while I play yoga." Instead of standing ground to prove I am right, I just thought about the fact that most likely I will be dead when the proof will become known. Later, when I had hiccups… his suggestion to stop all that I am doing while showing me by making a stone face, made me burst out in laughter. It made our evening rest in laughter about each other. Just what do we hold so dearly to that we can release at any given moment?

Wisdom of Bentinho Massaro

2011-10-01T10:46:00.000-07:00

Amsterdam Weekend Retreat

Friday Aug 26^th 2011

Bentinho Massaro

Questioner: What’s life like for you now, after all you’ve went through before and after your enlightenment?

Bentinho: “Well, I’ve let go of my image of enlightenment, and my pursuit of some kind of super consciousness . . . I’m just very confident in the fact that I am perfect as I am, that my well-being is not in anything per se, because I’ve confirmed to myself that this is the case many times over. A lot of doubt has fallen away. So there is a natural ease, a natural joy.

And of course there is the availability of a lot of states of mind, which are also available to you -- it isn’t anything special or out of the ordinary. It’s not about any state of mind. If anything it’s about being very certain experientially of the fact that this is perfect. And then you don’t have to be conscious of awareness twenty-four seven. You don’t have to beat yourself up about that, that will be much more natural. And of course there will be a heightened awareness throughout daily activity. And sometimes, maybe not, and you won’t beat yourself up about that either, because you see, you recognize in a moment of recognition that even your periods which you would have previously called unconscious, were actually totally infused with awareness -- and we’re not ever separate from this aware life. How could we be? Is your experience ever anything outside of that? So your experience of unconsciousness is awareness experiencing unconsciousness -- is Life, equal to this moment where it recognizes itself.

So even the recognition, or the non-recognition are essentially equal. Enlightenment and ignorance are essentially equal, they’re both life experiencing itself. The recognition of awareness is just another experience . . . but it’s a very clarifying one, and it liberates us of our sense of inadequacy more and more. So it’s just a knack, it’s a trick . . . It doesn’t change you.

But you cannot find awareness to have a form or point of view of its own. How can I stay as awareness as one particular state of mind. Awareness has no form of its own, which means that it is present with every experience equally, but never as something. You can’t find awareness. Try to find it. You can only find your personal experience which seems to be aware of itself, but you cannot grasp awareness, and you cannot grasp experience either . . . . of course you could say, “I’m touching wood,” that’s just a description, that’s still just a sensation appearing.

And so when I recognize awareness, there’s an intensification of the brightness, like your computer screen, it’s the same light. And you could either turn down the brightness or turn up the brightness, it’s a bit like that. Once you know you’re perfect, you can still stop to recognize it, and that’s very enjoyable. Or you can just have a conversation with someone about what movie you went to and you can forget that for a while.

But, more and more there will be a natural brightness. A natural knowing that you exist. It becomes this inescapable sense. It doesn’t mean you have to have the same experience all the time. So this is very subtle stuff and it’s very difficult as long as you have an idea of what it has to look like, that’s why I try to emphasis that awareness has no form of its own, the only form it has is your present experience, you cannot find awareness, more, or more enlightened than right now. The only form it has is whatever you’re experiencing right now.

So there’s not even an awareness that is aware of experience, that’s just a way of saying it, that’s the only form that awareness takes, awareness has no form of its own. Its present as your present experience. Your present experience changes, so awareness changes, yet it’s aware of that, but it has no form of its own, so you cannot identify it, you can only notice that it is the case, and that’s enough.

It’s enough to know the very fact that you exist with your present experience, and emotion, and thought, as it is; and notice that that’s being noticed, is being recognized. This experience exactly as it is, is aware of itself, there’s an awareness of this experience, that’s all we need to recognize.

And even that is, essentially, equal to not recognizing it, and that’s what you’re recognizing. You’ll recognize that there’s nothing to recognize. As long as you still believe that there’s something to recognize, then you keep beating yourself up, but a moment of relaxation induces the recognition that there’s nothing to recognize. So you recognize that there’s nothing to recognize until you’re sure that there’s nothing to recognize.”

Questioner: Do you choose, do you make choices?

Bentinho: “Sure, I make choices, if that’s the basic question. I choose sides, if that’s the basic question.”

Questioner: Would you feel sad if you chose the wrong one?

Bentinho: “It rarely happens now. But there have been occasions in the past year or so when it did happen. But I’m not sure I had the sense that I made the wrong choice. I can recall one moment right now when I felt like that. Where I made the wrong decision, that sense was there. And I had the sense of needing to fix that. But other than that, I pretty much feel whatever I want to choose -- and that is pretty much obvious, moment by moment. It pretty much happens naturally. I would say it’s just clear intuition.

And sometimes there’s a bit of un-clarity, where something seems to be at stake, at least relatively, in the story, where there seems to be something at stake, whether you choose this, or that . . . . and there have been a few occasions where I’ve felt like that . . . . which was interesting . . . . and, let me see what I did . . . . (short pause with his eyes closed) . . . . yeah, so I realized that was basically due to desire, having a personal preference for a particular outcome . . . . where I noticed that it appeared that something was at stake . . . . so a part of my well-being was projected into the situation. . . . and so . . . I felt like shit . . . “If I choose this, I might lose that, etc.” -- but then you become aware of that . . . . and then you giggle. . . (everyone giggles) . . . and then it basically resolves itself and you know what to choose . . . or not, and they stay like that, which is fine too, where you find your enjoyment in not being able to choose. And then the tension will pretty much flow out of you. And you still may not know what to do, but at least the poison is out of the wound, so to speak.”

Questioner. So, essentially, you have the same problems as everyone else does, except you don‘t really see it as a problem.

(much laughter)

Bentinho: “Yeah! Definitely!”

(pause)

Questioner: I have a question about my feelings. Sometimes I have a feeling but I don’t know what the feeling is. And that makes me worried, or I get crazy in my mind. Is it a happy feeling, is it a sad feeling, I don’t know. So I get confused about my feelings. Sometimes I don’t know what the feeling exactly is.

Bentinho: “Oh, well . . . I experience that all the time. That’s good! Because once you “know what it is,” it becomes a “thing,” to manage. Whereas if you don’t know what it is, you can let it be.”

Questioner: Well, it’s more about feelings in the context of decision-making.

Bentinho: “Oh, ok. Well, like in my example, there was some personal investment in the outcome of the situation. Which is totally natural, and totally fine. Of course you have a preference, so there is a preference for a particular outcome. But when there’s fear involved, then that clouds intuition. When you’re able to free-up your present mind-set from fear, when you’re able to relax into it, allow it to be, and to feel your well-being to be already present, to soak in loving your confusion and your fear, then gradually, or suddenly, you will feel that you are not the fear, you’re the love which loves the fear, and you’ll find a relief from being tied to the question or to the decision.

Like, prior to that when there was still a lot of investment in the fear, believing that you were the one fearing, your focus is tied to the object of your worry, in this case, your decision-making, so you‘re tied to it, as if it‘s a problem.

The moment . . . (sigh). . . you find relief from the fear, and also the excessive need to focus, drops, there’s more of an ease, a relaxation, and from that relaxation, most of the time, intuition becomes clear, and you know what to do. So if you relax into the fear, into your present emotions, just allow it to be confused, love the confusion, like a mother loves and cradles a baby in her arms no matter how fearful or confused the baby is, she is steady in her care and love of the baby. And if you embody this, if even for a few seconds, that’s already enough to create an opening in the fear, for this freedom to be recognized. And this will gradually, or suddenly, make the fear drop. And often-times you’ll be totally clear on what to do, and if not, then at least you are enjoying the situation.”

(long pause, Bentinho with his head down, then looks around slowly)

Bentinho: “Any last questions?”

(long silence)

Bentinho, very quietly: “Thank you.”

(Bentinho puts his head down and holds his hand over his heart, and smiles, and closes his eyes)

The End

Sun Sets on Life as We Know It

2011-09-21T22:52:00.000-07:00

I have been doing a lot on my house with the hopes that you can prepare for a long trip and make everything fall into place. We cannot plan on what we would like the future to be like, though, sadly. But I kind of got my house in order to leave it, to go see my partner. He cannot enjoy my home because of archaic laws we have about same sex partners in USA, so this can never be my home. I always knew I did not fit in, from elementary school on, society placed its values upon me. Now with my double whammi of being brain injured, where even today, a hardware store clerk made fun of my voice... I belong only where I am loved, and that love exists within and does not exist in any location. The love we seek always right here. We allow it to be triggered when think all the right parameters are met, just pull it out now and enjoy. We are the love we think we seek.

Unveiling Reality

2011-09-14T10:03:00.000-07:00

As I continue to do therapy on my speech and work diligently on my house I am going nowhere, but inside. I really don't know what is next, I have plans and intentions, but I really think this are only distractions to what is already present and where my life is heading. I am just along for the ride watching the unveiling of normal life that I used to cling to.

Gratitude Wakes Up

2011-08-24T22:34:00.000-07:00

I was ready to just sleep, with all my clothes on… when gratitude came to mind. I emailed the man helping with a new brain therapy(new to US, not Europe) to ask him if would like lunch tomorrow, since he would again treat me for two hours right about lunch time. This therapy is complex on how it works and I don’t have enough energy to lay it all out for you. So, I got up made him a fresh pearl tomatoes and string bean salad. It will cut my much needed sleep, but you and I know it will be one less thing to harp on before you doze off.

I do remember to make gestures to show my gratitude for using me as a test case for him. I will gladly show other patients how well it worked for me. It is important that one doesn’t just use Thank you and walk out. To come up other ways to show how significant others good will does for us. It is funny to find myself excited about feeling more and talking better for my partner, because I am so used to it.

I will be very sporadic posting, as I am getting ready to leave the country and fixing my house at the same time I am busy with therapy. Hopefully, I can get everything I want to get done before I leave.

Pull of the Unknown

2011-08-05T14:01:00.000-07:00

Mooji rocks with this analogy....starts at 3:34 for those of you a bit impatient.