Just for Fun

Horse & Pig Story

2012-01-17T19:59:00.002+05:30

There was a farmer who collected horses; he only needed one more breed to complete his collection. One day, he found out that his neighbor had the particular horse breed he needed. So, he constantly bothered his neighbor until he sold it to him. A month later, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: Well, your horse has a virus.

He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down. Nearby, the pig listened closely to their conversation.

The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.

The pig approached the horse and said: Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.

The pig came back and said: Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three...

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.

After they left, the pig approached the horse and said: Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up!

That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on.... Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!

All of a sudden, the owner came back; saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: It's a miracle! My horse is cured. This deserves a party. Let's kill the pig!

Point for reflection: This often happens in the workplace. Nobody truly knows which employee actually deserves the merit of success, or who's actually contributing the necessary support to make things happen.

LEARNING TO LIVE WITHOUT RECOGNITION IS A SKILL

If anyone ever tells you that your work is unprofessional, remember: amateurs built the Ark and professionals built the Titanic.

Why indian girls are not good in sports?

2012-01-16T10:11:00.002+05:30

Why indian girls are not good in sports?
Only 10% are playing cricket, hockey, tennis, badminton, chess, etc!
...............
Remaining 90% are busy in playing with "Janu"
janu kaha ho?
janu kya kar rahe ho?
janu kab aaoge?
janu u love me na?
Janu kiske saath ho?
Janu muje ye chahiye
janu movie chale.
Janu ye kya hai?
Janu kya kiya din bhar?
Janu u miss me?
Janu kuch to bolo?
Janu i miss u
janu yeh
janu wo
Janu kuch nahi
.
"Jaan le lo jaanu ki" bechara janu!!:-

Trial of nuns

2012-01-16T10:07:00.002+05:30

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
“And so,” says St. Peter, “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
“Well,” says the first Nun in line, “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”
“OK” says St. Peter, “Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”
The next Nun admits that “Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”
“OK” says St. Peter, “Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
“Well now, what’s going on here?” says St. Peter.
“Well, your excellency,” says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, “If I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.”

Its going to be happened soon

2012-01-12T12:27:00.001+05:30

Win Her Over With these Strategies

2012-01-11T18:51:00.000+05:30

1.The Attention Fight
OPENING VOLLEY: "We don't go out anymore."

IT MEANS: She's nostalgic. "I want my husband to sit across from me, think I'm attractive, share my food, and realize we still feel what we did before I became a wife and mother," says Jennifer Jeanne Patterson, author of 52 Fights: A Newlywed's Confession.

BATTLE TACTICS: Once a month, surprise her with a real plan. "If you've gone a whole month without proffering flowers, compliments, or a special date, you'll have a problem," says Carol Ritberger, Ph.D., author of Love . . . What's Personality Got to Do with It?

"Do something she'd like, but give it a spontaneous twist. Go for a walk, but take her to a sight she's never seen. Or book a babysitter, then lead her through a night of surprises—without prompting." Men like familiar places, "but women respond best to novelty."

WHAT YOU WIN: Dinner counts as foreplay. Really. "Women like to be shown off," says Charles Sophy, M.D., a psychiatrist and an associate professor of psychiatry at UCLA. "Men should hear this as a compliment. Avoid getting defensive, and realize she needs attention or loves PDA with you. You'll come home and have a great evening."

2.The Friends Fight
OPENING VOLLEY: "What's with the morons in your fantasy baseball league, anyway?"

IT MEANS: She's questioning your judgment. "Criticizing how men spend time with their friends implies that they're irresponsible in making choices," Ritberger says—meaning your partner is nervous about your decision-making with regard to the two of you.

BATTLE TACTICS: When she disses your buds, it feels like a personal insult, because friends are directly tied to identity and ego. Hold your ground and try this sneaky attack: Invite her to an event with your friends, suggests David Wygant, a Los Angeles–based dating coach and the author of Always Talk to Strangers: 3 Simple Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life.

"She wants to spend time with your friends, but a lot of this has to do with her not wanting to be the invisible girlfriend, and knowing you're not cheating on her."

WHAT YOU WIN: Peace. "Once she's out, she'll realize your friends are harmless geeks, and she'll never want to join you again," Wygant says. Sherman has a trick play that works: Include her in one of your regular pool or bowling nights—and let her pick her team. Competition—either with or against each other—is well established as an aphrodisiac.

3.The Money Fight
OPENING VOLLEY: "Do you really need another gadget?"

IT MEANS: She's implying a lack of responsibility on your part. This raises issues of control and insecurity, and highlights both partners' need for order, Sherman says. Women tend to be more security-minded than men, adds psychologist Warren Berland, Ph.D., so you probably have different tolerance levels for spending.

BATTLE TACTICS: Schedule budget talks. Have a sit-down with paper and pencil (or computer and software) to go over spending and debt levels. Negotiating lets her discuss the issue—as you sympathize, make your case. Use "and" statements rather than "but" ones. ("I understand you're nervous, and I also want to buy this new plasma TV. How do we figure this out together?")

WHAT YOU WIN: You get the TV—as long as you set aside a few hundred for something she wants. Wygant warns that women can view a big purchase as something that will compete for your attention. If ever there were a time to splurge on a pair of $200 jeans for her, this is it. "She'll think of you every time she wears them," Wygant says, "which lets you make love to your plasma all you want."

4.The Intimacy Fight
OPENING VOLLEY: "Why does everything have to be sex, sex, sex all the time?"

IT MEANS: It's not about sex. She's lacking intimacy, excitement, novelty—all those things that made your early days so darn carnal. She may feel that sex is now more about your enjoyment than something mutual.

BATTLE TACTICS: Research shows that the female snuggle impulse is also her aphrodisiac, so take an honest look at your attempts at intimacy. Do you assume that a shoulder rub must always lead to the bedroom? Ask what she needs from you in order to feel close—it could just be more snuggling or listening.

And leave sex out of the discussion. Berland suggests speaking in "feeling" and "wanting" terms, without accusation. "Don't assume you know what 'affection' and 'love' mean to her," he recommends. "Simply say, 'What do you want? Please tell me, because I want to give it to you.' " Find out what intimacy means to her, then provide it.

WHAT YOU WIN: More sex, of course!

5.The Kids Fight
OPENING VOLLEY: "Why can't you spend more time with the kids?"

IT MEANS: She feels like she's doing all the work. "The typical scenario is that the woman feels as if she's lost her wits dealing with the kids all day, and her husband comes home from work at night and shuts down," Sherman says. "He removes himself from household responsibility and doesn't understand she's been working all day, too."

BATTLE TACTICS: If she's punchy from a long day, don't plant yourself in front of the Pistons game. Nothing will change until you help with dinner, laundry, or homework. When it comes to chores, both of you should act the way you would at your jobs: Delegate, budget, and set deadlines.

"Men have the ability to prioritize like this at work, so why not apply these sensibilities at home?" asks Sherman. "If your report isn't handed in on time, the boss will ask for it. If you aren't contributing to a meeting, your team will be livid."

WHAT YOU WIN: A calmer home, kids who actually like their father, and, after they go to bed, the last quarter of the Pistons game. Which is the best part anyway.

6.Defusing Arguments
1. Don't ask "why" questions. This creates an emotional response and puts her in fight-or-flight mode, says Carol Ritberger, Ph.D. Other questions are fine, especially if they show an interest in "how" or "when" the two of you can solve the problem.

2. Don't assume she's basing her decisions on emotion. There may be plenty of logic behind her reactions, though these reactions may be charged with stress and contention. And for goodness' sake, don't tell her she's being emotional.

3. Don't cross-complain. Countering her bickering with your complaints won't work. If you're fighting to be heard, someone's bound to lose. It might be you.

4. Don't interrupt. Actively listen to whether she uses kinesthetic ("I feel"), auditory ("I hear"), visual ("I see"), or cognitive ("I think") terms—and respond in her language. She'll hear it more clearly.

5. Use body language. Touch her, lean forward, and maintain eye contact to show you're in the moment with her.

The Beauty and Complexity of English Language

2012-01-11T11:25:00.003+05:30

Professor Ernest Brennecke of Columbia is credited with inventing a sentence that can be made to have eight different meanings by placing ONE WORD in all possible positions in the sentence: "I hit him in the eye yesterday."

The word is "ONLY".

The Message:
1. ONLY I hit him in the eye yesterday. (No one else did)
2. I ONLY hit him in the eye yesterday. (Did not slap him)
3. I hit ONLY him in the eye yesterday. (I did not hit others)
4. I hit him ONLY in the eye yesterday. (I did not hit outside the eye)
5. I hit him in ONLY the eye yesterday. (Not other organs)
6. I hit him in the ONLY eye yesterday. (He doesn't have another eye)
7. I hit him in the eye ONLY yesterday. (Not today)
8. I hit him in the eye yesterday ONLY. (Did not wait for today)

This is the beauty and complexity of the English language.

__,_._,___

A British World War II Pilot

2012-01-10T09:32:00.000+05:30

A British World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the Air Force.

(Joke best delivered with a good thick English accent)

We"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting our bombers when suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

(At this point, several of the children giggle.)

I looked up, and one fokker was right above me. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

(At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh.)

The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

Project NID Card

2012-01-09T11:16:00.001+05:30

Nandan Nilekani's dream - how the national ID card will work....!!!

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."

Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose ID card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's he..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... You're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jal Vayu.....
Your home number is 2x26xxxx, your office 250xxxxx and your mobile is 09xxxxxxxx. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 05, Sir. The total is Rs 500.00"

Customer: "Can I pay by! Credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs 23,000.75 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Nano Car..."

Customer: " What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Nano car,...registration number GZ-05-AB-1107.."

Customer: " ?"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... By the way... Aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "

Customer: #$$^%&$@$%

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir.. Remember on 15th July 2010 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"

Customer: [Faints].....!!

COMPUTER-TOONS !!!

2012-01-09T10:57:00.001+05:30

Rare Pictures

2012-01-09T10:47:00.000+05:30

Time 2 say ouuuuuuuuuuuuuchhhhhhhh.....

LOL...(Laugh out loud..!!!!!!)

MILITARY WORK RULES.....

2012-01-09T10:41:00.002+05:30

1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work.

2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.

3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange the funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.

4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.

5. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.

6. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.

7. Advice from the Commanding Officer: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

8. The senior officer is Always Right.

9. When the senior officer is Wrong, Refer to Rule 8.

Admiral McKenzie

2012-01-09T10:40:00.001+05:30

Admiral McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by General Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Admiral McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country."

"Well, MY men are very brave, too." said General Marshall.

Admiral McKenzie: "Well, I'd like to see that."

So General Marshall calls Havildar Johnson and says: "Boy, I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

Havildar Johnson: "Are you CRAZY? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" and he ran away.

General Marshall turned to a bewildered Admiral McKenzie and said: "You see? You have to be pretty BRAVE to talk like that to a GENERAL."

Bra-panties

2012-01-09T10:38:00.001+05:30

An American lady is window-shopping in Delhi. Suddenly she realizes she is late for an appointment. She is not wearing a watch so she sees a small shop on the roadside goes to the shop and asks in very American accent to the shopkeeper...

What's the time??

The shopkeeper is a very patriotic man and hates foreigners and their English accent while speaking. So he replies back in the same accent - Bra-panties!!

Confused the lady asks again No! No! What's the time??

The shopkeeper again answers back Bra-panties!!

"Bra-panties!!" The lady retorted.

Seeing the confusion going between the two a passerby comes to the rescue of the lady and says

"Arre bhai, aap samjh nahin rahe ho!! Woh aapko time puuch rahii hai!!"

The angry shopkeeper shots back at him...

"Toh main bhi to unko time hee bataa rahan hun barah panthis (12:35)!!"

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

2012-01-09T10:37:00.001+05:30

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She explode and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

'But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

What is height of Fashion?

2012-01-09T09:54:00.001+05:30

1. What is height of Fashion?

Dhoti with a zip.

2. What is height of Secrecy?

Offering black visiting cards.

3. What is height of Active laziness?

Asking for a lift home while on a morning walk.

4. What is height of Laziness?

Adopt a child.

5. What is height of Craziness?

Getting a black paper Xeroxed.

6. What is height of Forgetfulness?

Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

7. What is height of Stupidity?

A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

8. What is height of Honesty?

A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

9. What is height of Suicide?

A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

10. What is height of De-hydration?

A cow giving milk powder.

HOW THE ARMY POLICY BEGAN

2012-01-09T09:53:00.001+05:30

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the monkeys are sprayed with cold water.

Continue until, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water.

Now, remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original monkey with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four monkeys that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the monkeys which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, NO monkey ever again approaches the stairs.

The Computer Teacher

2012-01-09T09:27:00.001+05:30

A Lady jumped a signal.

Policeman: What u did?

Lady: Plz let me go. I'm a school teacher. I am getting late for my class.

Policeman: Aahaa, So you are a teacher. I have waited...for this moment all my life.

Now write "I WILL NEVER JUMP A SIGNAL", 1000 TIMES.

Teacher:

import java.io.*;

class PadhBhiLoBacho

{

public static void main(String[] args)

{

for(int i=0;i<1000;i++)

System.out.println("I WILL NEVER JUMP A SIGNAL");

}

Kisi bhi Java Compiler mein chala ke dekh lena........

Policeman Shocked ............Teacher Rocked!!

Financial Rules and Regulations

2012-01-08T19:46:00.001+05:30

After completion of Lanka war, Hanumanji was enjoying his well earned annual leave with his vaanar friends. One fine day he got a voice mail on Aakashvani from Controller Defence Accounts requesting him to send his Temp Duty claim - dues related to his tour for bringing Sanjivani Booti for Laxmanji etc for Lanka Operations before 31st March . He ignored the first voice mail.

But after 3 - 4 reminders in two days' time & receiving a reminder from CDA through his adjutant Angad , he had to at last go to Ayodhya cancelling his leave and submit the Travelling Allowance/Dearness Allowance claims

He submitted the TA/DA Bill, bills of Sushen Vaidya, hospital charges incurred for Bharatji when he met with an accident during his travel, flight tickets and boarding passes of Garud airlines from Lanka to Sannjeevni mountain and back to get the Booti for Laxman , rental charges for horse to find the booti in forest, cost of Sanjeevani Booti for Laxmanji, coolie charges etc .

Where is your Temporary Duty sanction ? Who authorised your move ? Asked the desk officer of CDA . Hanumanji didn't have any move sanction.He explained to the desk officer that seeing the emergency-grave condition of Laxman who had become unconscious,he (Hanuman) had moved on his own initiative and to save time he decided to fly to Sanjeevani mountain by air through Garud airlines. Somehow Hanumanji got the ex-post facto sanction by requesting the concerned official Bali 2 - 3 times as Bali's brother Sugreev was Hanuman's coursemate at the academy.

Hanumanji had claimed T.A. bill for air travel. But his claim was passed only for rates applicable for hiring a horse. And all other expenses on medical,Sanjeevani Booti, consultation charge fee of Sushen Vaidya for his examining Laxman and conduct of blood and urine tests, ECG, ultra sound and X-Ray etc of Laxman bhrata were not reimbursed.

When he asked for the reasons, he was told that :-

(a) As per his designation, he is entitled to travel by horse only.

(b) He can not get refund claim for other things as he does not have the bills. And he did not have the minimum three quotations for Sanjeevani Booti.

Saddened by these strong audit objections , Hanumanji went to General Shri Rama and explained to him about the deduction on his claim. Hearing this, Ramji ordered the related CDA official to pass the air travel and other charges as claimed by Hanumanji. The officer came back with Travel Regulation,Financial Regulation and the latest TA/DA rule books published after the 6th Pay Commisssion and told Shri Ramji "Sir,these rules have been made by your father Dasharathji. If you want to overrule your father, I don't have any problems.". Pitrabhakt Ramji became speechless.

So he thought for another way to compensate Hanuman. He called him and gave him the claimed amount in cash from his pocket. But how could Hanuman take cash from Ramji ?

Hanumanji said "Sir,how can I take money from you for treating Laxmanji ? Laxmanji is as reverred to me as you are".

But in his heart of hearts, Hanumanji cursed himself as to why he listened to the accounts fellow, cut short his leave , completed all the formalities & put the TA/DA claim and placed Shri Ram in such an awkward position .

Hanumanji , a sincere soldier that he was , kept doing his work with the same sincerity and dedication which he had prior to Lanka Operation, even after this incident also.

Now you see, Hanuman was almost a God and he was perhaps born to serve Ram. But for us mortals, there is a different lesson and that is -

"Don't do anything without proper sanction, adhere to the tonnes of financial rules and regulations (....as u r not a Kalma..) and stay within the entitlement...... whatever may be the urgency or importance of the job"......!!!

Cure for Headaches

2012-01-08T19:45:00.001+05:30

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on a nerve at the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital a few days later, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself...

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like to try on a new suit please...'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see now... Size 44 long should do it'

Joe laughed, 'Wow, that's right; how did you know?'

'Oh, I've been in the business 40 years sir!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt to go with that lovely suit sir?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure, why not.'

The salesman eyed Joe for a moment and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised again, 'You're absolutely right, how did you guess that?'

'Been in the business 40 years sir.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit like a glove!

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure, I might as well.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'No way! You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!!'

New suit .........................$400

New shirt........................$36

New underwear..............$6

Second Opinion.............. PRICELESS!!

When I was 10

2012-01-08T19:42:00.001+05:30

When I was 10 -

"Rubber" meant eraser,

'Ass' meant donkey,

'Gay" meant happy,

'Straight' meant linear,

'Making Out' meant 'logical detection','

Cock' meant rooster,

'Pussy' meant cat,

'Stag' meant a male deer,

'Prick' meant a jab,

'Poke' meant a nudge,

'Chick' meant a baby hen,

'Screw' meant a carpenter's implement and

a 'Tit' was always for Tat!!

Damn! - English has changed so much !!!!! thereafter

How do you write 4 in between 5 ?

2012-01-08T19:41:00.001+05:30

Mathematician : How do you write 4 in between 5 ?

Chinese : Is this a joke?

Japanese : Impossible!

American : The question is all wrong!

British : It's not found on the Internet

And the Indian

Indian: F(IV)E

This is the reason Indians are everywhere in the world: in finance, business, medicine, engineering.... anything to do with using both sides of the brain.

WHEN DRUNK

2012-01-08T19:40:00.001+05:30

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY:

-- Innovative

--Preliminary

--Proliferation

--Cinnamon

VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY

--Specificity

--Anti-constitutionalistically

--Passive-aggressive disorder

--Transubstantiate

DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY

--No thanx, I'm married

--No more booze for me!!

--Sorry, but U are not my type

ARMY AFTER JAN LOKPAL BILL

2012-01-08T19:39:00.001+05:30

Regt Level

(a) All offrs especially Cos and above will use only one Sahayak that also only for making offrs uniform.

(b) The CO Memsahib will return the mess cook back to the regtl mess and will start cooking, washing.

(d) The regt fund acct will be audited by the LAO

(e) No CSD profit will be taken to the regt fund/mess fund. The rules of percentage written by the stupid British will be changed and the old regt fund rules will be burnt at Ramleela Maidan after Anna vacates it. Few from "we the Armd corps" will be special invitees.

(f) CO's/ offrs will return all the regt properties like Tv, fridge, and cutlery back to unit.

(g) All offrs taking tpt allce will not use mil veh for conveyance from residence.

(h) Offrs from "We the Armd corps" who have unknowingly taken tpt allce and used conveyance will repent and will make a draft of the amount illegally taken by them and will give the cheque to Anna

At Ramlila grnd.

(i) No veh will be modified. If at all a veh is to be modified offr will pay it from the pocket and will not use regt fund.

(j) Cos will not use AC's in the office. It is not auth and we will not use it.

(k) If we use it at home we will connect it only through a meter and will never send a JCO with rum bottle to MES.

Bde and above

(a) All att vehs and pers will be detached immediately. We will live with WE auth and will fight with stupid IAS baboos to change the WE.

(b) If IAS lobby do not listen to us we will org a Dharna at Ramlila Maidan and sort them out. Few from " Armr" who are specially qualified sorting out IAS baboos and their help will be solicited.

(c) For regt reunions the tickets for the Sahib and Memsahib will be paid by the offr himself. If any Bania offers to do that he will be shot.

(d) Brigs and above when visiting any station will not stay in hotels. They will stay in the mess guest rooms and will dine with the mess members. If forced to stay in a hotel, HE will settle the bill directly with the hotel.

(e) Offrs will pay the mess bill in reality and not with a cosmetic touch.

(f) Brigs and above traveling by air will not expect a capt/maj to come to air port and bribe people and get the VIP launch opened. It is authorized only for army cdrs and above (not even DGs) and we will satisfy with what is authorized for lesser mortals.

(g) No senior offr will take rations directly from Supply Depot. We are all Anna's soldiers and will be truthful and will get the normal rations from QM store.

(h) The GE will be shown his way.

(i) If Italian marble is required for the toilets the offr will pay for it.

(j) Offrs with genetic "Italian" hatred will use Indian marble.

(k) Guest room toiletries will not be stolen. If any items are used we will pay for it.

(l) The sanitary napkin placed in the room will be used only if the lady requires it in an emergency. We will not carry it home for the daughter or grand daughter.

(m) The Maj Gens will accept JCO LO and the practice of detailing local staff offr (Honorable Batman to Memsahib) will stop immediately

Damn fool Wife (In Bengali accent)

2012-01-08T19:28:00.001+05:30

Through the jongole I am went

On shooting Tiger I am bent

Boshtaard Tiger has eaten wife

No doubt I will avenge poor darling's life

Too much quiet, snakes and leeches

But I not fear these sons of beeches

Hearing loud noise I am jumping with start

But noise is coming from damn fool's heart

Taking care not to be fright

I am clutching rifle tight with eye to sight

Should Tiger come I will shoot and fall him down

Then like hero return to native town

Then through trees I am espying one cave

I am telling self - "Bannerjee be brave"

I am now proceeding with too much care

From far I smell this Tiger's lair

My leg shaking, sweat coming, I start pray

I think I will shoot Tiger some other day

Turning round I am going to flee

But Tiger giving bloody roar spotting Bengalee

He bounding from cave like footballer Pele

I run shouting "Kali Ma tumi kothay gele"

Through the jongole I am running

With Tiger on my tail closer looming

I am a telling that never in life

I will take risk again for my damn fool wife!!!!!

Indian Culture the Reason Behind Corruption !!!

2012-01-08T19:23:00.001+05:30

This can be very controversial !! But thought-provoking for sure!!!

Corruption in India is a cultural aspect.

Indians seem to think nothing peculiar about corruption .

It is everywhere.

Indians tolerate corrupt individuals rather than correct them.

No race can be congenitally corrupt.

But can a race be corrupted by its culture?

To know why Indians are corrupt ,

look at their patterns and practices .

First:

Religion is transactional in India.

Indians give God cash and anticipate an out-of-turn reward.

Such a plea acknowledges that favours are needed for the undeserving.

In the world outside the temple walls,

such a transaction is named- "bribe".

A wealthy Indian gives not cash to temples,

but gold crowns and such baubles.

His gifts can not feed the poor. His pay-off is for God.

He thinks it will be wasted if it goes to a needy man.

In June 2009, The Hindu published a report of Karnataka minister

G. Janardhan Reddy gifting a crown of gold and diamonds worth

Rs 45 crore to Tirupati.

India's temples collect so much that

they don't know what to do with it.

Billions are gathering dust in temple vaults.

When Europeans came to India they built schools.

When Indians go to Europe & USA, they build temples.

Indians believe that if God accepts money for his favours,

then nothing is wrong in doing the same thing.

This is why Indians are so easily corruptible.

Indian culture accommodates such transactions morally.

There is no real stigma. An utterly corrupt Jaya Lalita can

make a comeback, just unthinkable in the West.

Second -

Indian moral ambiguity towards corruption is visible in its history.

Indian history tells of the capture of cities and kingdoms after guards

were paid off to open the gates, and commanders paid off to surrender.

This is unique to India.

Indians' corrupt nature has meant limited warfare on the subcontinent.

It is striking how little Indians have actually fought compared to

ancient Greece and modern Europe.

The Turks' battles with Nadir Shah were vicious and fought to the finish.

In India fighting wasn't needed, bribing was enough to see off armies.

Any invader willing to spend cash could brush aside India's kings,

no matter how many tens of thousands soldiers were in their infantry.

Little resistance was given by the Indians at the "Battle" of Plassey.

Clive paid off Mir Jaffar and all of Bengal folded to an army of 3,000.

There was always a financial exchange to taking Indian forts.

Golconda was captured in 1687 after the secret back door was left open.

Mughals vanquished Marathas and Rajputs with nothing but bribes.

The Raja of Srinagar gave up Dara Shikoh's son Sulaiman to

Aurangzeb after receiving a bribe.

There are many cases where Indians participated

on a large scale in treason due to bribery.

Question is: Why Indians have a transactional culture while

other 'civilized' nations don't?

Third -

Indians do not believe in the theory that they all can rise

if each of them behaves morally, because that is not

the message of their faith.

Their caste system separates them.

They don't believe that all men are equal.

This resulted in their division and migration to other religions .

Many Hindus started their own faith like Sikh, Jain, Buddha

and many converted to Christianity and Islam.

The result is that Indians don't trust one another .

There are no Indians in India ,there are

Hindus ,Christians, Muslims and what not.

Indians forget that 400 years ago they all belonged to one faith.

This division evolved an unhealthy culture.

The inequality has resulted in a corrupt society,

In India everyone is thus against everyone else,

except God and even he must be bribed.