Chaotic Neutral

New Look

2011-10-16T02:14:00.000-07:00

Will be giving Chaotic Neutral a new look since CN's birthday is tomorrow! :D

The "new look" will be applied in a few days since i'm still busy with lots of stuff in real life.. XD

"This blog is a wall. I talk to walls sometimes." -Zin

Famous Last Words

2011-08-01T04:34:00.000-07:00

She was drunk, but she recognized me. I told her "Hey, it's me, Ninz. C'mon, I'll get you home.

She pushed me away and said : "Deja lang tu con migo.." (You'll just leave me.)

I've never felt shittier in my entire life.

To All The Girls I've Loved Before

2011-04-19T10:51:00.000-07:00

To all the girls I've loved before

Who traveled in and out my door

I'm glad they came along

I dedicate this song

To all the girls I've loved before

To all the girls I once caressed

And may I say I've held the best

For helping me to grow

I owe a lot I know

To all the girls I've loved before

The winds of change are always blowing

And every time I try to stay

The winds of change continue blowing

And they just carry me away

To all the girls who shared my life

Who now are someone else's wives

I'm glad they came along

I dedicate this song

To all the girls I've loved before

To all the girls who cared for me

Who filled my nights with ecstasy

They live within my heart

I'll always be a part

Of all the girls I've loved before

The winds of change are always blowing

And every time I try to stay

The winds of change continue blowing

And they just carry me away

To all the girls we've loved before

Who traveled in and out our doors

We're glad they came along

We dedicate this song

To all the girls we've loved before

Who traveled in and out our doors

We're glad they came along

We dedicate this song

To all the girls we've loved before

For sure this time.

2011-04-17T06:07:00.000-07:00

April 1x, 2011 06:xx PM

Lately.. I've changed.. No. Changing. Change is good, right? The catch is, I'm not sure if it's for the better, or for the worse.

Sleeplessness. I'm like a restless man high on some potent drug, sleepless for 50 hours, give or take. I find peace in this blissful, restless hell. I even feel I can think straight and everything feels like it's in slow-motion ; like in the movies that we watch.

Well, this is the real world. But then I felt the weight of my dark past which I've been running away from suddenly falling on me like one big boulder. Strangely, I don't feel any pain.

I heard someone calling out my name. I opened my eyes and realized that It was just a dream. It was now 03:xx AM. At least I was able to sleep.

What dark past am I running away from again?

Suddenly I'm just confused.

I feel very different these days... Looking at all these people ; these places that are so familiar ; I never thought I'd be letting all these go so soon.. I WILL be leaving my old life behind, for sure this time.

No regrets, no remorse ; relentless.

Learn Photoshop FAST!

2011-04-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

First, what IS Adobe Photoshop?

If you wanna know (in-depth) what Adobe Photoshop is, then click the link below. :)
↓↓↓↓↓
Adobe Photoshop

Otherwise, I'll make it pretty short..

Adobe Photoshop is a graphics editing program that could be used for almost anything.. Editing pictures, making you look younger, or for removing pimples, scars, anything on your face could be removed. (ANYTHING. XD) Also, it could be used for digital art, creating your own abstract arts and all those artsy stuff. ( The banner in this blog was made through Adobe Photoshop by ME. :) )

The pictures below is an old before-after pic edited using photoshop by yours truly.
(That's me on those pics. XD)

BEFORE

AFTER

I've always been a Photoshop user, and to tell you the truth, it's pretty complicated at the start.. Learning about all the tools, and stuff.. Masking, color corrections, textures, brushes, etc., etc.

But now, learning couldn't be any easier! Now you can learn all of Adobe Photoshop's basic tricks in under two hours!

You don't believe me? Check the link below! :)

↓↓↓↓↓

Learn Photoshop under just 2 HOURS!

If you can't open the link, then copy paste this link into your browser's address bar.

↓↓↓↓↓

http://15253jqhpd9vdx35ymvl5vcl7d.hop.clickbank.net/?tid=ZIN

Goodluck! :)

Christmas - Santa?

2010-11-25T12:12:00.000-08:00

Christmas is fast approaching, and well... We'll see lots' of Christmas decors hanging around the corner.. We'll hear lots of Christmas songs playing on the radio, maybe even on the television..

As a kid, I was raised to believe that if I behaved and stayed "Nice," Santa Claus would give me gifts on Christmas.

I remembered that I usually started to behave when it's only a few days from Christmas hoping that "Santa" would deliver me presents. That air of "thrill and hope" hovering above my head really got me all excited and "giggly" as a kid, wondering what my presents would be come Christmas Eve. XD

A funny memory, really. XD

But...

Who really IS Santa Claus?

Well, most people know him as this plump, bearded, and jolly old man that miraculously delivers gifts to homes of the children who are "nice," around the world and all in one night, with the help of his "magical elves" and his "reindeers" who pulls his "magical" sleigh.

Woah. I wonder how strong Rudolph is, lol. XD

If you're interested on where/when his myth started, then click here.

Anyways.. Even though I don't believe in Santa Claus anymore (I stopped believing in him when I was about 5 y/o or so) I do feel happy when It's already Christmas season...

I just feel this air of "Peacefulness" that surrounds me wherever I go.. It just makes me feel so cozy and warm(ironic, I know, but it's not that cold here at our country during Christmas season), and fuzzy inside, and just makes me wanna cuddle with someone. XD (preferably an attractive lady, lol)

Anyways, from Chaotic Neutral, and from yours truly, advanced Merry Christmas to you guys. May you feel more warm and fuzzy inside. :)

New World

2010-11-16T11:08:00.001-08:00

Guess who's back? :) It's been a long time since I've posted in this blog because I was so busy with reality that I had to make a major adjustment with my life.. So, why the title "New World"?

Well, It's not exactly a new world, but just a new environment for me.. I transfered schools and starting tomorrow (or later), I'd be in this "New World." New people, new faces, new everything.

Alot of my friends/acquaintances/former classmates were asking me : "Hey Zin, when will you enroll?"

I just answered back : "I ALREADY am enrolled. XD In a different school. :)"

"Why?"

Well. Basically, my former school's (AdZU) IT course had a new "ladderized" program that they implemented. It F*CKED my time up because even though I was already a 4th year student there, and had only a few Major subjects to be taken care of, I will be stuck for another four years just because of that "ladderized" program, VERY LONG STORY. o.o

So I figured.. "This is bullshit. I won't take this crap, I guess I'll just transfer schools then."

And there ya go. XD

And I need to graduate as fast as I can because that's the only way I can leave this city.. It's getting boring here and I need something new.. I'm tired of the same old routines in my life.. I want an ADVENTURE.

I better start being a little more serious then. XD

Happy Birthday - Zin. :)

2010-10-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was a kid (about 6 years old or so, I think I was in Kindergarten or Grade 1 that time) I used to take my bike out, and would drive kilometers (yeah, i'm pretty sure it was THAT far) just to hang out with my best friends..

I got to see some sights, you can still "smell the freshness" in the air - aroma of healthy trees still growing..

I'm remembering this while listening to Maroon 5's "Sunday Morning."

I don't know why, but this song just makes me feel so light-hearted, it even made me reminisce my "childhood days" of having this fun little "adventure.."

And now, back to the present, I had just had my 21st birthday on Oct. 2. (GMT + 8:00)

As always, rain came. :) Rain never missed my birthdays.. Last year, I remember that the whole month of September was dry, October 1 was, too.. But on October 2, it rained. It always had for maybe my WHOLE life now.. Not sure when I was a kid though, hadn't really paid attention..

I couldn't find any explanation for this, but I'm happy enough that mother nature remembers my birthday in her own "special" ways. :)

The Package

2010-09-24T06:05:00.000-07:00

Yes, the package.

The ____ of ____ UNIVERSITY sent me their course schedule and catalog for 2010-2011's online classes and this book has 624 pages. (school's name censored, they might sue me)

*Flashback*

18:31, just arrived home and immediately I was greeted by this man at our gates.

He was tall.. Maybe 6' 4", and looked like he was an Indian.. Anyways, I was surprised that he talked to me in our nation's language - Tagalog.. I really was expecting a foreign-looking man to talk to me in English..

(Conversation translated to english)

Man : "Sir, are you ___________________?" (sorry, can't post my full name here in the web. XD)

Me : "Yes, may I help you?"

Man : "Sir, here's the catalog you requested. I am a representative of academy blah.. blah.. blah.."

I was waiting for him to just let me sign his logbook or something and leave coz' I was very excited to open this UPS package..

As he left, I immediately went to my room and checked the package. I know what I was receiving and I knew what I was looking for, so I immediately went for the admissions section of the book, and I was disheartened by what I saw.

The tuition fees.

Yes.

Undergraduate tuition was : $740 per unit

So, If I took 24 units per sem, (and by the way, this school is a trimester-type) that's around 24 x 740 :$17,760

$17,760...

Hmmm.. In our currency, 1 dollar = 44 Philippine Pesos.

So that's, 17,760 x 44 = 781,440 Php

P 781,440... OMGWTFBBQ!!!!?!?!?!?!?

Imagine this. My daily allowance (which is good enough for a college student to survive in one day) is 120 php, so imagine 781,440 php all for one semester.

GOD.

So I thought : "If only we were rich.. Urgh. Nevermind..."

Happy Birthday to meeee!!!

2010-09-17T20:55:00.000-07:00

(11:57, 9/18/2010)

I was still sleepin' till my sister came home from her school.. Her knocking on our gates woke me up and I was panicking to open the gate coz' it was raining.. Even though it wasn't that hard, it would drench my sister in minutes..

After the panic's gone.. I realized.. Hey, it's my blog's 2nd birthday today, and it's raining, too! I've always loved the rain.. During MY birthdays, I've never had a birthday where it didn't rain. True. That's why I always loved the rain.. It makes everything it touches look peaceful..

Well, anyways.. Happy 2nd birthday Chaotic Neutral! May you have more silly stuff to contain!! XD

Simple Encrypted Obsession

2010-09-07T05:46:00.000-07:00

Justify my actions

end my ignorance and tell me

something that I don't know

something that I didn't see

real, Immediate matters

ever fleeting,

ever eluding,

lost.

Remember,

one thing can mean another,

varying regrets always filled me

even so,

relentless feelings,

abhor, I won't ever undergo.

Memories - A Dedication

2010-08-20T23:07:00.001-07:00

No matter how hard I try to forget, every memory of you still comes back. I know I'm supposed to reject that memory ; seclude it from my "mind's eye", every little emotion that comes with it still penetrates the deepest hollows of my heart.

Pain, misery, solitude. These emotions comes jam-packed with all the good things these memories bring. I can't deny the fact that I was also.. Hurt.

I can't be a hypocrite and stay and say that I'm doing all of those things expecting nothing in return. Because I expected alot' of things in return. I expected all the good things will happen. I expected a happy moment. I expected the world, time, would stop just for us. But the thing is; my expectations didn't align with reality. There was never any "us."

To anyone who truly does something expecting nothing in return, well.. I salute you.

I was weak. I'm greedy. Not avarice incarnate, but still greedy.

Not knowing what to do, if I should just wait and bleed, or just give up and end the pain ; I chose the easier way. I gave up.

I gave up thinking that It would be easier if I did, but it's not.

I'm NOT free.

At least that's how I feel.

-No matter how hard I try. I can never forget. Even though I value freedom the most, you will ALWAYS be remembered, even if it costs me my true freedom.

Uncertainty

2010-07-29T17:24:00.000-07:00

"The only certain thing about the future is uncertainty."

NO ONE ever knows what tomorrow brings.

Not you, not me, not them.

As uncertain my thoughts are on how uncertain things will be in the future, I'm pretty certain that this chapter of my life hasn't ended... yet.

IF my life was a certain movie with a certain chapter, with a certain period of time - days;

I realized that it's not even halfway done.

If this chapter ends at a 500th day, then right now I'm at day 243.

It'll get worse still.

Sorrowful Sinner's Lament

2010-07-05T08:50:00.000-07:00

He had to do it.

He felt, thought that he had to.

Now regret fills his heart.

-A Haiku by Zin

Candle

2010-04-26T07:58:00.000-07:00

Candle

I am a lit candle in the darkness

I stand strong and proud

No darkness can consume me

But with these strengths

One fatal weakness

Is etched in the very fabric of my wick

I AM ALONE

For now I stand strong and proud

But soon

All that I am

All that I was

Will be erased

Slowly melting away

Slowly being consumed

By my own pride

Weakness taking over

Slowly succumbing to darkness

Fate, Destiny, Choices, Freedom.

2010-04-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

Just as the seer predicted.

A hard-headed fool, really I am.

I wanted to be different. So different as to go against fate and destiny. I thought, "why should I let THEM decide what's for me? Don't I get a say in this as well?"

I wanted to go against them. Ultimate freedom of choice..

Fate. Destiny.

Are they really the weavers of the events of our lives?

Many people say that we make our own destinies, our own fate. But isn't fate a predetermined course of events? Inevitable? Maybe? Who really knows?

I guess my attempts to go against fate, against destiny is as futile as a frog's attempt on flying. o.o

But all is good now. I guess they do have a reason for these things to happen. Be it good or not-so-good, I'll take it.

Good Ol' Times

2010-03-18T22:55:00.000-07:00

Hey guys. :)

Remembering the past sure is nice, but it's not so good to dwell on it.

But anyways, here's what I'm remembering. :)

I wrote two short stories!!! :D

If interested, here are the links. :)

Nostalgia and Hate (Part 1)

Happy Birthday (Part 2)

Criticism, good and bad is very welcome. :)

Someday

2010-03-17T07:54:00.000-07:00

Have it ever occurred to you ; Being too restless? Doing really good in something you worked a lil' hard for but not having any satisfaction? No true goals? Not having someone who you truly wanted? Not having a purpose... True chaos of thoughts and feelings.

Lots' of things were crossing my mind lately. The conversation I had with my friend about how society is right now.. To go against it, or just keep conforming and keep compromising.. The real purpose I have in life, my goals, why I'm really here.. And.. Why am I worrying about such things?

Am I just thinking too much?

All of this still comes down to one thing, anyways.

LOVE.

What is love anyways? Do we truly know?

And this "game of love."

Me and my friend had a talk on this issue.

People in our society nowadays choose to adapt and conform to its "rules" and play this game.

But.. Idealistically speaking, we don't want it.

If only this so-called "game of love" didn't exist, no one would've ever needed to lower their standards. No need of conformity, no need of compromise. NO NEED OF LIES.

It's sad really.

Who are we to go against the world and it's ALREADY natural, but constricting "rules"?

Though we badly want to have it our own way; do things on our own idealistic ways..

At some point we just agree and conform to it.

It's really hard to be branded as outcasts.

What a waste of thoughts, words, and feelings, eh?

In the end, we all become hypocrites... Sigh.

Someday, I'll know the true purpose of my existence. Someday, this society we live in will change. And someday... The "truth" i'm searching for, will be found...

Someday.

Sorry : Last Word

2010-03-02T09:10:00.000-08:00

*Can I say sorry?

**Why? For what?

*Sorry because I can't.

Those four words she uttered were the ones that registered as "pain" in my brain just this afternoon..

I felt that a bolt of lightning, stronger that Zeus', just struck me right through the four chambers of my heart. I was dumbfounded, silenced. I died for a second right then and there. I thought I couldn't take the pain. Tears almost burst from my eyes, but I kept it down. I wanted to show her i'm strong. And so I just continued talking casually like I normally would, showing no signs of agony that moment.

We walked out of the cake shop, and I walked her near our school till she was able to commute.

I was confused.

**Can't? Can't. Yes. Can't. Can't because she doesn't want to, or Can't even if she wanted to?

This line just kept repeating in my mind, and it didn't stop if it weren't for my cigarette that almost burnt my fingers. I haven't noticed that it burnt almost halfway through the filter while I was still holding it.

I'm not really the type that just agrees without an explanation, but I guess I had to. Not because I wanted to, but because I didn't want to worsen the situation.

Nonetheless, those were her last words, and it spelled rejection.

I'm not as strong as my friends, or as everyone thinks I am, but yes, i'm strong enough to keep my heart, at least, in check.

But still, such a pathetic loser I am, lololol. XD

P.S. If you eat too much chocolate in just one sitting, your stomach might not handle it, and the word "uuuuurrrrrrrrrghhhhh" will haunt you till you're able to drink alot of water. XD

03.03.2010 01:42 (GMT +8:00) - Date/Time posted

03.02.2010 - Actual date happened.

My Pathetic Bitterness

2010-02-26T09:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, we realize to change for the better just when the situation got worse. We realize to finally correct our mistakes just when those mistakes have caused irreversible damage. We finally decide to prove ourselves worthy just when the person whom you want to prove your worth has already decided that you’re not worth it at all.

Why?

Because sometimes, most of the best lessons are learned when the test is over…

How can we love people who don’t seem to make things worth at all, anyways? Why do we become so numb crying for people who at times don’t even think of us in a day or two? Why do we let ourselves hurt and continue hoping for a love that makes us defenseless? And why do we prioritize those who only choose us as option? Are these the reasons why sometimes in love, we end up losing ourselves?

It is hard to love someone who doesn’t even care what you feel.. It’s hard to love someone who is so numb to feel the love you offer.. And it’s hard to love someone who doesn’t react to the almost important things you utter.. But despite of every hardship you received, you still hope for a miracle.. Because in the end..

We end up believing miracles do exist.

Unrequited, Maybe?

2010-02-14T09:07:00.000-08:00

1:18 2/15/10

I just arrived home and our dog was barking loudly, probably didn't recognize me as I was unlocking the gate lock, turning the gate key counter-clockwise..

As I stepped in, our dog stopped her barking..

I turned, opened the main gate, and reached for my motorcycle..

As my right hand reached for the throttle, I can't help but remember and imagine her devious smile..

That smile that captivates any man, and just stops him in his tracks for quite a while..

As my senses came back, I pushed my bike up our mini-ramp, and into our parking area..

I stood still for quite a while, amassing the thoughts in my mind..

"I don't really know, but I think it would be best if I just get over her.. It's already unhealthy making her the sole purpose of living my life, and it's certainly unhealthy to make her my only reason to wake up alive each day."

I'll sleep tonight. And tomorrow, i'll try waking up refreshed, with a different purpose although it's not easy to just let it all dissipate, forgetting everything.

If only dementia was a drug, I would've taken that already.

I can't help but sulk as I remember her genuine smile, although for someone else, I thought.

All this and everything, I'll be letting it go down the drain.. I'm only human. I'm not some Greek God and i'm certainly not a Demigod to be able to take all this pain. I'll be selfish tonight, I'm sorry.

"I'm imagining a liquid running through this "drain" slowly. So slow that it's becoming painful to watch."

Again, I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do.. But.. I dunno, I guess I just felt so Unrequited for a long while, and because I'm feeling a little more selfish tonight.

If You Don't Wanna Love Me - James Morrison

2010-01-29T12:31:00.000-08:00

When you lower me down
So deep that I, I can't get out
And when you're lost, lost and alone
Yes you'd think it was the last place
You'd come back for more

If you don't want me to leave
Then don't push me away
Rather blow out the lights
You can watch it all fade
But I'm going nowhere

I'm gonna stay
When you just wanna fight
When you're closing your eyes
'Cause you don't wanna love me

I'm gonna stay
You can't push me to far
There's no space in my heart
Where I don't wanna love you

And when there's no, no storm
Then how can I feel the calm
If there's nothing, nothing, nothing left to lose
Then what is this feeling
That keeps on bringing me back to you

So I'm gonna stay
When you just wanna fight
And you're closing your eyes
'Cause you don't wanna love me

So I'm gonna stay, yes I will
You can't push me to far
There's no space in my heart
Where I don't wanna love you

And if you ask me to leave
And I walked away
We'd still be alone
And we'd still be afraid
I'm going nowhere
I'm going nowhere

'Cause I'm gonna stay
When you just wanna fight
And there's tears in your eyes
'Cause you don't wanna love me

I'm gonna stay
All the tears that I've cried
I could leave them to dry
If you don't wanna love me

Could leave them to dry
If you don't wanna love me...

Christmas Greed - Tears of Bitter Anguish

2009-12-24T08:59:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm greedy.. It's Christmas and all i'm thinking about is myself..

Sigh..

Christmas.. It's like really one big world party, and everyone's enjoying themselves, and look at me. Curled up in a dark corner, crying blood.

What a good way to wreck a party, eh?

I'm sorry. But after this, i'll still be standing strong. Just let me be greedy for this one Christmas. Please.

A Beautiful Mess...

2009-12-22T09:48:00.000-08:00

Tue 22.12.2009 - 23:54

First of all, yes, I know, my title is also the same as Mr. Mraz's song. I made the post title this way, so that someone searching for the said song online, might stumble and find themselves reading this post on my blog. XD

Another reason is... Well, it's because his song basically fits my mood at the moment. The first line of his song says: "You've got the best of both worlds, you're the kind of girl who can take down a man, and lift him back up again..."

I've been caging myself again in my room for the past few days, only going out to get something to drink, or when I ran out of cigarettes, lol. I was feeling SOOOO down lately, and I can't tell you the reason why, but I can certainly tell you that it's because of someone. XD

But as I'm writing this on a notebook with a pen, (gonna retype it later, currently experiencing a blackout, sooooo, yes, no electricity) well... I'm feeling a bit.. Happy... Whew, haven't used that word in a long time... Yes, happy, and it's also because of THAT someone who made me feel soooooo ff'in down the past two days. XD

It's been a long time since I posted about my feelings. All those previous posts were just... I dunno, like i'm just talking in riddles, but they're all basically the same.. A pathetic way to show that i'm a frustrated poet. Hahahahahaha. XD

So. To sum it all up, I guess i'm just basically saying that i'm happy right now. :D

And I think I'ma go out tomorrow. I feel like a hermit already, urgh... @_@

(Actual time retyped this - 2:01 of 23.12.2009, Wed)

I wish...

2009-12-14T10:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just wish,
That the things that I see,
This, clairvoyance,
Would just decay,
This, tactfulness,
Would just fade away...

I find it hard to move.
so hard to just be thinking
about the "what if's"
and "what will be's"
and actually just standing still...

Sometimes I wish
that I didn't care,
but oh, the paradox of it!
this is where it got me.

A road
where your left foot steps on shards of broken glass,
and your right foot steps on warm, comforting water.

But of course, I presumed
life would be this way,
at least for me...

But still I wish,
foolishly I do...

Wishing, hoping...
Until it leads me to you...

-Salvador, Niño