When Mothers Cry: Showing Love to New Mothers, Good Mothers, Bad Mothers, & Hopeful Mothers

Do You Consider Yourself to Be a Good Stepmom?

2012-01-22T17:36:00.000-08:00

Some mothers just don't know what they are getting themselves into when they remarry someone else who also has children. Most stepmoms really try hard to be the best they can in their roles, while others are ready to jump ship. One woman who gave her stepmom a hard time, writes about how what she thought was a wicked stepmother turned out not to be after all. Read more here.

Walking on Egg Shells When It Comes to Parenting Your Children the Right Way

2012-01-07T15:51:00.000-08:00

Some of you reading this probably have some idea where I am going with this blog entry simply by reading the title. I want moms everywhere to know that I can relate when you are trying to raise your children the right way and it seems every time you take two steps forward, there is someone in your circle who intentionally or absentmindedly puts your children two steps back by doing and/or saying foolish things when it comes to parenting them.

Now you may live with this person or there is a caretaker that makes you feel like you are walking on eggshells whenever you say something about your children to them. Whether you say something in a polite way, angrily, or quietly, you can pretty much bet that this person is going to defend his or her actions, eye-roll, sigh, get quiet, ignore you, or point out your flaws, because they don't like you telling them what to do. They don't like you stating what is best for your child, because they didn't come up with the idea, they may have not liked a certain thing when they were a child or whatever the reason maybe.

You say to yourself, "What have I got myself into? Why did I allow this person to come into my life in the first place? What was I thinking?" You pray that God will protect your child from the foolishness of this person in the meantime while hoping for a better way to resolve your issues.

Some people just don't get it. You can tell them, "Please don't let the children do..." and they will go ahead and let the children do out of spite. You think, "Who thinks like that? What kind of person is this?"

We all know you can't allow a child to partake in things that are reserved for adults. I remember getting into a bad argument with someone about letting my children listen to a popular radio shock jock on their way to school. He really got upset because this was one of a few ridiculous things he was doing. So like a child he complained, "I always have to give up something!"

Any well-meaningful parent knows you can't raise a child without some kind of schedule. And you definitely can't allow children to dictate what is best for them on a regular basis. If this is the case, then we would have children running a muck just about everywhere. What child wants to go to bed, take a bath, and refrain from eating sweets and desserts all day? Yet, those parents and care-takers who felt deprived as children grow up to be boy men and girl women who want to give everything they never got to their children. If only they would step back and see that all they are creating are little monsters, children who will one day expect the world to do what they want and if they don't, they will attempt to shake up society with their screams, yells and threats. Unfortunately, there are jails around the world full of people with this kind of mindset. Do fools really know what's best for children? I think not. That is why God made wise mothers, but some just don't use their common sense. When this happens, we must find people, services and tools to help us with our parenting when we, us or they are doing a poor job! We can't just sit by and be quiet on everything when it comes to parenting our children. Yes, sometimes you won't want to say anything to that person with the ego handling your children, because you aren't in the mood to fight World War III, but there will be those moments that you ought to get in there, mom and fight the good fight for the best interest of your children! If you were in court, the judge would make that choice for you, now wouldn't he or she?

We all have walked on egg shells around people who we thought were at first doing the right thing by our children, but then we later learned that they were really not doing all they could do because they lacked some parenting skills. Some of you have years experience working with children while your partner doesn't. So it would make sense that the inexperienced would be listening to the experienced, right? However, that poor ego gets in the way of the fool, doesn't it? The voice in his or her head says, "Oh she thinks she knows so much because...I won't listen to her. I will just do things my way. She thinks she is so right about everything anyway!" It's unfortunate but that ego has cost many men and women their jobs, families, and more because it refused to reach a compromise. On the other hand, when we don't consider one's ideas, we can also make our jobs harder than they ought to be.

If you are one of those moms living in a home where you feel like your words are falling on deaf ears, the key is not to stop talking to this person who makes you feel like you are walking on egg shells; rather keep talking and do provide examples as to why the current way of doing things when it comes to parenting the children just isn't working. You would then start implementing your own tactics. Point out the successes.

Sometimes the only way you can get through to someone is to allow them to fail.

Of course, there is an appropriate time for everything, so when you want to do something different you can always try your own strategies when you are alone with the children. When you are teaching your children right from wrong, do not be bullied, shamed, or made to feel guilty when someone or a group doesn't like a certain parenting tactic you are using. If it has been proven by experts and others, you know it has worked in the past, and it doesn't cause any harm or mental problems for the child, then you have to wonder why a partner or caretaker would give you so much flack about it? Some one's ego must be put in check! There may be some underlying issues going on with that person.

As mentioned previously, there are those parents that have felt deprived as children by parents who were too busy, too angry, too upset, too drunk, too whatever to give them a nice life. Therefore, these people grow up to be men with little boy needs and women with little girl needs--you know boy men and girl women. They believe if they give children everything they want they will be okay. But as we know, there are many people who once had everything, have nothing now. Why? Because they never learned how to appreciate and manage what they already have. We are doing our children a disservice giving them everything they want! If we left it up to children to raise themselves, they would never take a bath, brush their teeth, do their homework, stay up all hours of the night, go wherever, do whatever, and eat unhealthy.

So to those moms out there who are currently living with someone who doesn't appreciate your efforts, criticizes your parenting skills (whether to your face or behind your back,) do what's right for your children anyway. Continue to take up time with them. Keep talking to your sons and daughters about the things that will make them good citizens later in life. Surround yourself and children around like-minded positive people. Limit the time they watch TV, play video games, surf the Internet, and do other things by giving them alternative tasks that benefit the whole household. How can that one you live with or those others who care for your children complain when you are raising your children to be useful not only to yourself but others?

Eventually, that egotistical person or that "I think I know-it-all" caretaker who is helping you parent your children, will have to do one of two things, walk right or walk out! Their choice. Meanwhile, you just have a back-up plan.

Nicholl McGuire

Read more by me at a blog entitled, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

What Does the Future Hold for Your Child?

2012-01-05T10:16:00.000-08:00

So how does a mother answer a question about her child's future? How does she know what her son or daughter will grow up to be and what impact (whether positive or negative) will her child make on society?

We may not be able to answer these difficult questions about our children's futures in the most confident way, but we can surely increase their odds of being something more than a fool!

How many mothers out there are really taking the time out to mold and shape their children into what destiny calls them to be or are they leaving it all up to the school and relatives? Have they even bothered to consult with a superior higher than themselves? Have they sat down and talked with others about their observations concerning their children? Have they met with counselors on how to steer wayward children in the right direction?

From the looks of things, there are so many moms concerned about everything external, "What will we be eating for dinner...I need to make a hair and nail appointment...I really want this promotion...I hope this guy really likes me...I have to visit that store..." that they fail to even think about their children's future much less their spiritual, mental and or physical health. Does mom have a clue what her child's weaknesses and strengths are in the classroom? Does she know about that girl or boy who keeps bothering her child? Does she know that a relative is teaching her child some despicable things? Has she noticed the physical signs that her son or daughter is too ill to go to school?

If you don't agree with the previous point about some moms being more concerned with everything, but their children's future, just ask a daycare worker what sorts of challenges she has to deal with when working with children being raised by selfish parents (oh yeah, dad needs to be held accountable too)? Why not interview a middle school or highschool teacher and get his or her opinion on the mental state of some of his or her students and are they really prepared for life after graduation? Sit down with the selfish parents' child for a minute and he or she will tell you the truth about their go-getter parents. "Mom is always working...dad is mad a lot...I don't like being at home," the child cries out. Better yet, talk to your own family about what they see when watching your children.

Video games don't help children become productive members of society especially if the characters are performing immoral acts ie.) stealing, cursing, having sex, etc. Buying the latest designer t-shirts for a child to show his or her allegiance to Satan isn't sensible ie.) look at all the rockers' lives in the entertainment industry. Telling a child to physically hurt another because he doesn't like what someone says isn't putting them on the fast track to world peace. Giving children what they want just because they cry, pout, or do something embarrassing isn't going to make them respect authority figures. We could go on and on talking about ethics, morals, biblical commandments and more, but you get the point.

From the smallest thing to the most significant, everything plays some part in our children's future. What we do or don't do now with them sets their path in the future. As a parent, we should refrain from cursing our children to hell or saying things like, "You are so dumb! I don't think you will ever be anything but!" While fathers sit with closed mouths, and mom does everything else, there is someone out there who will make sure to teach their son a lesson or two whether good, bad or otherwise. There are moms worrying about everything including her husband at home, meanwhile she accomplishes nothing with her daughter--no relationship, no mother/daughter date, etc. Some of these all girl groups will be sure to embrace and love on that lost daughter in ways that would disturb her poor parents.

Now whether our children stay on the best path we set for them is a whole different story. It isn't up to us to take responsibility for their wrong choices once they are grown, but it is up to us to keep our children on the straight and narrow in the meantime. As future parents of adult children, we can only say that we did the best we could while our children lived with us. How they choose to live their lives once they become adults is out of our hands.

Having one's priorities in the wrong place doesn't make one a bad mother, it just makes her misguided. She will need to spend more time talking to her child. Asking the tough questions and observing her child interacting with others in order to get some kind of understanding on what exactly is she raising. She will also have to be open to what others say about her child. Of course, some people will be overly critical and say hurtful things, but we all must ask ourselves, "Why?" Then get on the fast track to helping our children.

We live in a world where there is help for just about everything! It doesn't make sense that there are so many children talking, dressing, and acting like they have no parent in the home who cares. Now sure, there are those children who don't have mothers living with them, but there should be enough support around children, despite circumstances, that will give them a sense of direction even if mom is absent from the home. It is up to us parents (and those around our children) to make sure they get that supportive network. Reach out to the children when dad slacks. Be the best mom to children not your own if you happen to live with yours, theirs and ours.

When we look at our children from a different set of eyes; rather than in a way that says, "I can't wait until you grow up," maybe we will be able to see a glimpse of what the future has to offer.

Nicholl McGuire

Read more of my work here. Watch videos here.

Little Boys, Little Girls Not One in the Same

2012-01-03T13:24:00.000-08:00

Contrary to what others think is considered feminine and masculine, I have my own opinion, plan, and teaching when it comes to raising my sons. So I don't give into what society tells me is acceptable.

Toys, clothes and shoes are blue and pink for reasons that some of us may go along with while others simply will not. I have four boys and they are all very distinct personalities. One of my sons (who is now eleven) has a kind, sociable personality. There was a time, while a little boy, he would cry at the drop of a dime, and I would hear, "He's so sensitive." Well, I didn't encourage such sensitivity, but I didn't scare him to the point that it would make him hate being male. I understand his environment, his clothing and his associations are and always will make up a good part of who he is. This is why I teach him to be selective about all and don't let others bully you into thinking their way either! Therefore, I ask you this, who am I to allow society to tell me that it is now okay for my sons to wear pink? Why would I tell my sons to never speak up when it comes to homosexuality?

Year after year the line between what defines a little boy and what defines a little girl are further being blurred. I had a mother some time ago want to debate about why it was okay for her to let her son wear a purse at five years old. I'm sorry, but I simply can't give into such foolishness--save that debate for someone who cares. Mind you, she didn't mention anything about the boy's father, need I say more.

My sons will never be girls no matter what society deems appropriate for them. They just weren't born that way despite what Gaga's experience was or has been! Dress a boy up in a wig, wear pumps, sashay across a stage, speak feminine -- it doesn't matter, a boy will always be a boy and a girl will always be a girl.

When fathers take part in their sons' lives they can help them with defining who they are--that is if dad knows who he is; unfortunately there are men who secretly struggle with their own identity. Dad's involvement doesn't necessarily mean that it will keep little Johnny from being gay one day, but it sure doesn't hurt! Little Johnny was born male; therefore, he should be just that without society pressuring him to "come out" or "make a choice." He should also understand that there are those individuals who will trick him into wearing and doing things to promote their hidden agendas.

Mothers should encourage dad to get off his behind and do more for the children if he is living in the home or distant. Why should he be allowed to sit back and relax from being a parent? Hello!? Dad should introduce his sons to all things male that is morally, physically, and spiritually decent. Why leave it up to mom, the coach, the television, and the school all the time to teach and preach to him about what defines his maleness? What exactly does it mean to be a male anyway? A mother can't answer that question like a father can whether he is the biological father or step-father.

From the looks of things, more and more men are looking and acting like women! They are back-biting, gossiping, wearing women's clothes, moving their arms and legs around like women and so on. Why is this happening? Because the majority of people are daily being backed in the corner by the minority! "If you say that or do this, homophobe, I'll sue!" says the gay man. Now who is acting like a bully? Cowards have sat back for far too long and said, "It's okay. I will love you anyway. Sure, we are a Christian organization and we know what the Bible says about homosexuality, but it's okay for you to preach and teach." They encourage the foolishness rather than sitting down and talking with gay people in an open and honest way. Isn't that what they want anyway, the truth? Give them the truth, even if it hurts! "We don't agree with your lifestyle and because of that I prefer that you don't call me a name because of it. If you want respect, you have to respect my point of view. I will not allow my sons to dress or talk like a girl or woman. Please refrain from doing XYZ things around my children. I'm sure you love your boyfriend/girlfriend, but I'm not interested in hearing about your relationship." Speak up!

Well, if it isn't okay for women to take on certain societal roles that could possibly endanger them, why would it be okay for men to take on certain societal roles that is actually putting them on a fast track to being the next endangered species? One day we will look up and see the majority of men that will primarily be everything but simply male. Oh I dread that day!

From men on steroids to men wearing pumps, we have our share of freaks of nature run by freaks that tell us to be "more open, loving, accepting..." I didn't mind going along with the program until I had my own children. Then the blinders came off! Did I really want a man wearing lipstick and a wig influencing my sons? Did I really want my own sons putting my heels on and parading around the house? Did I really want my sons wearing lip gloss and nail polish?

Nope. Little boys and little girls are different. Little boys don't have to play with dolls unless you buy them for them. Little girls don't have to push cars and trucks around on hands and knees unless you make them available. Little boys do things that make society say, "Oh yeah, he's a boy! There is no question about it!" So why would I take something that was meant to be and make it meant not?

Nicholl McGuire

Children and Relationship: Two Separate Issues

2011-12-14T17:32:00.000-08:00

As mothers, when we are frustrated with the children, sometimes we have the tendency to take out our anger on our partner and vice versa. She says, "Well if you didn't give the kids that...maybe they wouldn't behave like..." He says, "Why don't you just get off my back, you always have something to say!" See the difference? One talks about an action related to the children and the other wants to criticize the way she is communicating with him. One is a parenting issue and the other is a relationship issue. If this conversation was to continue it would most likely reverse and reverse some more until everyone is yelling including the children in the next room.

Moms and Dads sometimes aren't conscious of how we are taking two separate issues and making them become one especially in the heat of battle. Throw in everything else into the battle like, finances, job, relatives, location and more and you will have a myriad of issues that all end up in the same category: divorce. When talk like this happens all hell will break lose!

We have to remind ourselves that if we handle the relationship and the children as two separate issues (as well as everything else,) things will be easier to handle. We must pace ourselves with each issue and don't try to cover everything in a single meeting. Maybe talk about one issue on Monday and then something else on Wednesday. However, if we put everything in one big pile and try to handle it all at the same time in one major blow up, nothing will get done. Rather, all parties will walk away with hurt feelings. "Mom screamed at me." says one child. "She was yelling at me too," says Dad. "I couldn't hear her and didn't want to," says grandma.

I have been guilty of this sort of thing myself sometimes consciously and other times subconsciously. I have started with an issue related to my relationship and then before long the children are involved, sometimes because they are just there--in the way! You know, standing there looking at two adults talk while pushing trucks and cars around. "Go play! Now where was I..." By this point I'm so frustrated and so is the partner mainly because it is taking too long to get to the point.

Sometimes as moms we catch a lot of heat in our relationships because of the children; yet, our partners can't see the problem behind the problem. For instance, let's say one child has a challenge that takes up a lot of your free time while another child is always pestering you for something. The irritation that you feel is yours and yours alone especially when your partner doesn't want to be bothered. He doesn't see or maybe chooses not to acknowledge how your issues with the children are affecting your mood. Now he has an issue with you, what!? Yeah, it happens. As confusing as it may sound, but sometimes they forget that the children and you are two separate matters and that neither you or the children should be treated as one big challenge.

We all must be mindful when raising children and handling issues with partners that we are simply flawed people. Every situation is not going to be dealt with like a customer service rep in a fast food restaurant. "Would you like fries to go with that shake?" Sometimes the napkin, fork, ketchup and whatever else you asked for isn't going to be in your bag when it is given to you through the drive-thru window. Now consider that analogy and apply it to your intimate relationship and your parenting skills. You can't always do it all and not all at the same time, mom. Sometimes you will forget what challenges are connected with you, the children and your relationship and when this happens, handle them all separately.

Some couples are ready to get a divorce for reasons that they see, but they fail to look at what was going on behind the scenes. Maybe a spouse was putting too much pressure on the other to do everything right and when some things were forgotten, he or she was treated like one of the kids. Sometimes when there is an issue with the children, the partner wants to blame his or her spouse. He or she acts like a voter picking sides rather than working together. When things like this happen, it isn't any wonder why men and women in relationships with children start looking to be anywhere, but at home. Keep the children out of your relationship as best you can. Treat them and your relationship as two separate issues. When in the heat of battle, stay on a single topic and forget about the rest for the time being. Who knows, your relationship just might last long after the children are gone?

Nicholl McGuire

They Don't Like You Just Because...

2011-12-07T14:54:00.000-08:00

There are those people in this world who just don't like us mothers. It isn't because we did anything particularly wrong to them, you see, they have ISSUES. Big ones. The kind that maybe their own mother created when these adults were once children. Nothing they say or do is ever their fault. They don't appreciate when they are exposed on wrongs. They will lie, cover up, back-peddle or place blame on you. "I don't like the way you said that...I don't like the way you did that...Why don't you go and take care of your children...Aren't you supposed to be cooking for your children, right now?" You aren't invited to their parties, because you might bring the children. You aren't accepted in their circles, because "you care too much." You don't receive phone calls for fear that you might "mother" them.

This idea of someone not liking you just because you are a mother might come as a shock for some, because we are typically praised especially around May. However, what about the rest of the year? Of course, not. Many actions and deeds go unnoticed unless of course a mother does something bad--the world will know about it. In your own family, if you step out of character, you just might be the topic of someone's gossip.

People who simply don't like moms, look at them as problems, because we are the ones that will point out foolishness expecially when it comes to our children. Some of us mothers just won't go away until we see justice for our children, new policies, benefits, you name it! Expose a wrong, mom, and look out, someone somewhere will attempt to attack your character, threaten to take your children, or go behind your back and do something to your children that they know you wouldn't approve. It doesn't matter if it is a small evil, like giving your child a dessert before dinner time or something so harmful as abandon them. Whatever that "it" is, the one who simply doesn't like mothers, doesn't care or respect how you feel, especially when your views and children affects their income, their time, space or everything! The cold-hearted will stop at nothing to see to it that mothers stay in their proper place--busy.

Being a career mom on the surface, looks good, but it also means that you are too tired to fight the good fight when it comes to family issues. You are too busy doing for your family to see how your family is truly affected by those who stay up late at night scheming or conducting meetings behind closed doors constructing plans to keep the little people enslaved to their systems.

We all know that there are just some things you just don't give your children that could possibly harm them mentally, physically and/or spiritually. However, notice how immoral, impractical, and downright stupid some things, ideologies and most of all symbols are. These negative things are leaked into children's television "programs," music, sporting events, education, and more. So what do those who are too busy, too tired do or say? Not much of anything. They just say, "Oh that's okay, it's nothing."

We mothers must change our outlook on life as we have always known it to be. Why keep traditions that keep some of us in bondage financially, emotionally and/or spiritually? Why debate about frivolous things like who is going to be the next PTA president, sing in the church choir, or get a promotion or demotion? Meanwhile, there is a steady flow of indoctrination coming through your child's school worksheets, TV, games, toys and more of all sorts of ungodly ideas, holidays, and the like. No one says too much of anything unless they subscribe to some kind of religion. Why must one have to belong to some group to see that wrong is just plain wrong?

I have witnessed foolishness spread like wildfire when it comes to holiday event planning. I have seen hypocrites at work on things that they know they have no business supporting, but because there is money, friendship and fame associated with the project, they go along just to get along.

What kind of mothers are we, if we sit back and allow partner, relative, friend, and stranger say things to us and/or our children that we know are just downright stupid. Then when our children act up as a result of us not saying anything because we want to keep the peace, we blame the child. What sense does that make? I think of the father who gives his child something sweet to eat before school while mom looks away, then they both wonder why every morning their child is hyper in the classroom. I think of the mother who scolds her child whenever she is in the mood, but when her "baby" deserves it, she does nothing. I think of the grandparents who are more interested in watching their "adult" programs that they could care less that children are around. I think of the many mothers and fathers who allow their children to holler, cuss, and cry about almost everything and all they do is keep repeating themselves like a broken record. Someone has got to put their foot down and say, "Enough is enough!" Then come up with a comprehensive plan come hell or high water and see it through with or without partner on board!

We all have to look closely at who we are as mothers and do we sincerely care about our children to fight whoever or whatever that is impeding progress because they are "too tired, too forgetful, too lazy, too stubborn, too fat" or too whatever to get off their behind and do something. To me, these are all excuses so that one doesn't have to do much for self or child.

Like I said earlier, there are many people in this world that simply just don't like mothers. They already know that when a mother arrives on the scene someone is going to have to step out of his or her comfort zone and do something. Lazy people don't like mothers. Ignorant people don't like mothers. Childless elitists don't like mothers. Bad mothers don't like good mothers. All sorts of people don't like mothers. This is why you must be careful what circles you choose to sit in and what organizations you decide to give your time and money to. Most likely, that time and money you have been programmed to believe should be going elsewhere to help the rich stay rich, should be better used to help your own family.

Some mothers run away from home only to stay away from home while other mothers stay home and don't know how to leave home. There must be a balance! We have all been victims of systems that do nothing more than take, take, take! But you my friend, with a little time and knowledge (this means opening up a wise book and reading it) can reverse the curse, so to speak, and change your way of thinking!

Find radical ways to save money and gain more time to do the things that better you and your family. Say "no" to invites to participate in things that you know if relatives and friends knew, you would be ashamed. Stand up for your children! It doesn't matter who the person is, if something feels wrong, demand an explanation, search for truth and don't stop looking until you are at peace! Most of all, take real-life situations and explain to your children why something about it is right and wrong--it doesn't matter the age! There are twenty-something, thirty-something plus folks walking around this world who still don't know the difference between what is right or wrong. They have spent far too long learning from teachers who believe in blurring the lines between good and bad, right and wrong, boy and girl, and so much more. Point out the differences, mom, reinforce the lines, and if so, let the hard-head learn the hard way.

As mothers, we must try hard not to coddle our children who know better. We must remind them that there is a school for hard knocks and that if they can't accept wisdom coming from our lips, then they will learn behind the bars, through injury, a broken heart, or worse death. Of course, you won't be liked, but who cares, you weren't put on this planet to collect Facebook "likes," you are here to teach, and if need be, preach.

To all the moms who care--I love you!

Nicholl McGuire, a mother who simply isn't liked for preaching truth (and proud of it!)

Says the Mother to the Childless

2011-11-29T19:29:00.000-08:00

Watered my seed
and it grew, grew, grew.
But why now do I feel so blue?

"So it's true you can feel that way,
even after people have told you to pray?" says the Childless.

That's what they say.

"It isn't easy being a mother, can't always cover how you feel."

It's like being given a raw deal.

Partners and kids want and want just so they can flaunt.
You work and work for some unnamed jerk.

"Wishing things will get better,
you are told to read God's love letter."

But even he gets tired of his bratty kids,
puts them in pots and closes the lids.

Us mothers are up and sometimes down,
but we always manage to get around.

You don't know me, and I don't know you,
but we both share the same view.

"You aren't always happy,
your days sometimes are crappy."

Yeah...

But, you don't always smile,
especially after walking a mile.

So neither you or I need to tell another lie.
Just take a deep breath, and let out a sigh.

We are all in this life together,
we will withstand all types of weather.

"Heaven knows, it will get better!"

Nicholl McGuire a mother who has had her share of conversations with the childless and fellow believers about motherhood.

My 3-year-old asks...

2011-11-28T14:27:00.000-08:00

"Mommy, why did you bring me here to this world?" This probably wouldn't have bothered me so much if I hadn't vowed as a child I would never bring children into a world like this.

That's kids for you.

Blogs Worth a Look: Talking about Children's Stuff

2011-11-22T16:53:00.000-08:00

I have been encouraging my children to write for sometime now. The following websites provide some useful information on children's books, writing, and other related information.

Children's Books

Vintage Kids' Books

Books for Kids Blog

Book Blogs

Writing/Publishing

Write 4 Kids

Createspace

Sometimes I hear moms complain about their children not doing well in school. Here are a couple of sources that just might help for those who are convinced their son or daughter needs a tutor.

Tutoring

Tutor

Sylvan Learning

I just stumbled on these sites, thought they were informative, at times funny. Real moms with their share of stories to tell.

Wide Variety of General Motherhood Topics

5 Minutes for for Mom

Mocha Manual

The Meanest Mom

After the Vacation: On Playing Mom Again

2011-10-31T13:29:00.000-07:00

So now that I'm back home after eight-weeks away from the children, it is an adjustment. It seems that the children have learned to adjust to mom being away; therefore dad is the "go to guy." When you are away from your children for any period of time, there are those moments when you are reminded that in spite of a hiatus, sabatical, vacation, or whatever you might call it, you are still mom. Therefore, when you return to your children, you have to jump right back in. The honeymoon is over! The children will test you. They will "play" you, dad, grandparents, babysitter or whoever in order to get their way. A typical scenario goes like this dad said, "no" to something, so they go to someone who will say, "yes." All parties have to be in agreement on the basics before you re-enter their lives.

I found that adjusting back to home life, this time around, took about seven days give or take. I had to first get use to their schedule again for eating, sleeping, etc. Then I had to converse with the partner about some of the household changes and strategies on disciplining them. Next, I had to get use to some of their new toys (some of which contained many pieces.) I also had to unpack my own things and get comfortable in my old environment again which underwent some changes. To top it all off, there was no longer free time to just sit on the phone for hours or leave the house whenever I pleased (sigh.)

I think that some of us mothers just don't know how important free time is to us when it is given to us on a silver platter. We still think about the children, check up more than we should, talk about them as if we have no other life, etc. I was guilty of doing these things during the first part of my vacation, but then I eventually got use to being away from them. However, I couldn't resist, at times, those moments to send photos and video as well as call them before bedtime. Sometimes my attempts to connect with them caused more problems then helped. They became difficult for dad and wanted to know, "When is mommy coming home?"

So if you do decide to take a vacation from the children anytime soon, do keep in mind that you will need to periodically keep in touch in order to remain relevant in their lives and you will also need to reconnect with your children when you get back. Take some time before you see them again to problem solve on past issues and be ready for new challenges.

Nicholl McGuire

Author & Poet reads from her book, When Mothers Cry by Nicholl McGuire

2011-09-05T14:09:00.000-07:00

Many of the blog entries I have penned over the years were based on my book, When Mothers Cry. This non-fiction book highlights the many trials that most mothers face when raising their children. I felt the need to write such a book after I repeatedly watched the news to see yet another mother hurt or kill her child due to many factors that are not always illustrated in the news. I also felt the need to share my personal struggle with being a mom and how I have come to some peace of mind about my role.

When a mother is frustrated, stressed, worried, angry, or simply feels under the weather, an observant relative or friend knows something--the writing is always on the wall! Someone always knows something. I am deeply angered when I hear a man or woman say, "How could she do that..." A woman with a mental illness is no longer able to care for herself much less think about how her actions might affect those around her. The question of "how" should be eliminated from public discussion when it comes to mothers hurting themselves and others and instead we should ask, "What?" What caused her to react that way? Did she confide in anyone prior to doing what she did? What were the signs? Did anyone try to get her any help?

As we all know, after a baby is born, that child becomes everyone's responsibility in one way or another. From the neighbor next door who sees a child doing something wrong to the teacher grading the child's work--it really does take a whole village to raise a child whether we choose to think otherwise.

Feel free to listen to some audio versions of my book at this site.

Nicholl McGuire

Your Partner or the Children? Making the Wrong Choice will Cost You

2011-08-25T14:21:00.000-07:00

So you have moved on with your life since you and the father of your children couldn't manage to stay peaceful enough with one another to make a relationship work. Now you are dating someone new and you find that free time is getting a little more difficult to manage. He wants to spend more time with you and so does your children.

It seems easy enough to just plan days accordingly and hope that he understands that the children come first. However, put yourself in his shoes for a moment, "I am expected to move out the way sometimes for children she had with another man." No matter how nice we say it, that is what we are asking a new boyfriend to do. The more fathers and children you have, the more difficult it is for a man to wrap his head around that one.

What tends to happen in relationships like this, especially if the father is often present in your children's lives, is both men will have concerns about one another. You will find yourself having to manage both men and try to make them feel comfortable about what is going on. On one hand, your ex doesn't want any man influencing his son and/or daughter. On the other hand, the new man is trying to find his place in your life. Throw extended relatives in the mix and you will be working overtime!

When the pressure in a relationship intensifies due to children misbehaving, an ex is jealous, or the boyfriend is acting distant, what some women will do is put the new man before everyone. This would make sense, to some women, because he wasn't the one who hurt her in the past and unlike the children, he is giving more than he is taking from her, so why not? The problem is everyone starts to notice that the new man is taking center stage in the woman's life; therefore, she has a whole new set of problems on her hand. The children and other relatives will start to dislike the new man and want him gone. The ex will hope for the worse and might add a few not-so flattering comments in you and the children's ears.

At some point, the poor woman who was only trying to find happiness will instead, find herself in a position to have to choose children or man. The ex may have to do the same in his new relationship too since his girlfriend might be giving him some problems. Both parties will have to find solutions that will help everyone manage their new families. They will both need to keep in mind that new girlfriends and boyfriends may put on a good act when it comes to the children, but secretly hope that the other parent decides to have the children more often and/or live with him or her.

Blood is thicker than water, so the old adage goes. Unfortunately, "the water" may lose, especially if he or she is looking for ways to push the children out the door. Constant complaining, tension, and hollering at the children are clear signs that the new boyfriend or girlfriend just isn't cut out for step-parenting. But can you blame him or her particularly if your partner is young and childless or older with grown children? There is selfishness, irritability and impatience that the new partners may have to overcome.

So let's just say that a parent does choose a new partner over children, then what? Consider what may happen in the future to this parent's relationship with her children. There will be wounds of rejection that the children will have to heal from. A son and/or daughter may resent the parent for leaving them with the other parent now that he or she has a partner. The child, who will one day become an adult son or daughter, may not bother to open his or her doors to their mother because of her choice and even worse disallow her from getting to know his or her family.

Think of those around you who may have been rejected by a parent, are they battling with all kinds of issues as a result? Are you? Choose wisely.

Nicholl McGuire

When They Aren't Your Children...

2011-08-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

Some of us have grieved a child we either lost due to death, legal battle or some other way and it hurts! We may welcome other people's children into our lives or stay clear away. Only God knows the pain we feel! It hurts sometimes to see someone with their children and here you are all alone with maybe a picture or two in a wallet or cell phone of your own child. Sometimes you wonder how did you get to this place in your life that you are more important these days then raising your child, but it is your current reality, and how you deal with being away from your child or children is all up to you.

I am that woman that has been with children at home on a daily basis and then eventually had to say goodbye for a number of reasons sometimes for a short period of time and other times longer. After I managed to get comfortable in my lifestyle, I allowed other people's children to come into my life until the time was convenient again to see my own children.

It can be such a relief to your soul to talk to a child or do something nice for her or him that brings a smile on his or her face. But I won't say that it doesn't hurt sometimes. I think of how my sons might react to that nice toy I bought someone else's child and then I may feel guilty or get angry that my own children aren't with me. I am learning slowly that instead of thinking of someone else's child as a replacement; it is better to just look at the time you are spending in the presence of other people's children as a gift of service similar to what you would do if you were doing volunteer work. No one can ever replace your child and no one is asking you to either. The beauty in spending time with someone else's child is you can give what doesn't belong to you back and never worry over the child like you do your own.

Every mother needs that time to recharge. She needs to look back at the time she had been spending with her own children and learn from it. There is so much we can do with free time that suddenly comes out of no where. Oftentimes we covet it when we are around our children. We wish that we could be that woman who doesn't have to tote children around. We think of those moments of peace she has just to do something simple like try a new hairstyle or paint her fingernails. Now it's our turn and we might as well make the most of it until that day we meet our children again.

Nicholl McGuire

Keeping It Inside Will Drive You Crazy

2011-08-18T16:58:00.000-07:00

I have been asked this question over different times in my life, "How could you leave your children with their fathers?" Whether I left my children to go to the store, vacation, work, or during a break up. My answer to that, "Why not? He is the father you know and besides he takes good care of them."

I don't care whether a mother is leaving her children an hour or five years, there is a good reason why she needs to leave. I think too many of us are quick to condemn, but far too slow to show some support (no wonder why some women can't keep friends, but I digress.)

You see, sometimes we have to take a good look at what exactly does the title "mother" mean to me? For some women, they are step-mothers, mothers-to-be, and mother-in-laws and they aren't too happy about those titles. They know what they can and can't tolerate. Sometimes we think that by saying, "You are a good mom" or "What you are going through isn't as bad as what I went through..." is encouraging, but that isn't always the case. It is because of statements like this, that some women freeze up and choose not to reveal how they sincerely feel about motherhood. They may have wanted to pour out their heart and cry a good cry to a relative or friend, but because of a certain comment, question, or expression they clam up and instead out comes, "Thanks, I try to be a good mom."

Keeping anything inside that is plaguing your mind on a daily basis will hurt you. Let me repeat that, keeping anything inside that is plaguing your mind on a daily basis will hurt you. Ever wonder why some women end up in the insane asylum? Maybe the idea of staying-at-home with children isn't working anymore. Maybe the relationship with the father has taken a downturn and there is no hope for the relationship. Maybe you desire to come up higher spiritually, but routine is keeping you stagnant. Whatever the "it" is that keeps coming back to the forefront of your mind and making you feel like you are going crazy, do something about it!

I think of so many moms who just settle with "whatever," because it looks good on the outside. It looks nice to have a man in the home. It looks good to wear the latest fashions. It looks good to put the children in private school. It looks good to participate in all the church and school activities. It looks good to say, "My child is doing this...my child is doing that..." But behind closed doors, you are going crazy! People who are close to moms who want to look their best, although they are going through a test, see the signs, but mom knows best. Didn't mean to rhyme, but you get my point? Stressed mom is gaining weight, popping pills, getting up early and staying up late. She is easily irritated, yelling at everyone, and frequently making errors. The frazzled mom is blaming everyone for everything, but her overwhelmed self! In time, that woman who once "was a joy to work with" is now a pain in the you know what! When you ask her, "How are you?" She either says, "I'm fine..." or "stressed." But she keeps going anyway.

When we know someone who is driving herself crazy with all her activities or if we are guilty of driving our own selves insane, then we must learn to take that pause. Sometimes that pause may mean going back to the drawing board and reinventing the wheel or getting rid of it altogether.

Nicholl McGuire
Author of When Mothers Cry, Amazon.com

Stay-At-Home Mother: Dad Will Appreciate You More When You're Gone

2011-08-09T20:46:00.000-07:00

So some of you mothers are feeling used, abused, misused, and just don't know what to do. You live in a house or apartment with a man who says, "I make the money! What else do you want from me?" You in turn say, "Is it too much to ask, can you take the kids out sometime? Give me a break!"

I experienced what I call "family burn out" on numerous occasions and sometimes my plea was heard, but sometimes it wasn't. Maybe I was burned out from talking to the kids all day and just wanted the man of the house to make some time to talk to me. Sometimes there were moments that I needed some help with chores. Other times the kids wanted me to play with them, teach them, read a book, and do other stuff while dad sat and watched TV or surfed the Internet. I started to back off from doing so much with the children while dad was home a long time ago. The stay-at-home mother had learned how to allow dad to take over when it came to handling the children. I began to back off first during evenings and then on weekends.

A good idea only works for so long before you notice that other areas in your relationship begin to fall apart. You may try something else to keep the man and children interested. You might even step up to the plate even more. However, sometimes nothing seems to work. Before long, you are questioning why exactly are you a mother, a wife, a lover, the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker?

No man will ever appreciate a woman, the mother of his children, until he knows what it truly feels like to be all alone with the children! He will begin to understand why she repeatedly warned him about giving the children candy and snacks before dinner. Why it's so important that the children have a breakfast, lunch, dinner, quiet, and bed times? Why he should consider spending more time giving the family needed attention and less time watching TV? Why sometimes he has to put off his needs and tend to the children's needs first?

If you have been burning out lately from your family obligations, take a moment to see what might you need to do differently to restore those positive feelings back that you once had for your family. Communicate your thoughts when you feel comfortable to your partner.

I can tell you from my own experience that you can't do it all alone, you need the support of your partner and/or relatives and friends. If he too is experiencing feelings of family burn out, then hopefully he will say so and together you both can create a plan that will alleviate some stress. Notice the key word is "together," not apart. However, if your partner doesn't recognize your need for some relief and refuses to see that he too needs some space, most likely your relationship will begin to take a different turn and it won't be positive. But first things first, allow daddy to stay home with the children, clean up and do some other things without your sticking around. Take advantage of your free time, you earned it!

Nicholl McGuire

Battling with PMS Issues Keeps a Mother Crying Each Month

2011-07-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

If you have never vomited, cramped for hours, yelled or cried in front of others for what some would say, "no good reason," then you may not be able to relate to what I am about to tell you especially if you know nothing about PMS or PMDD. Take a moment to read up on these conditions. Here's my story...

As a child, I was told very often to "stop playing" and "go get my pills," by my mom. She took Trendar, a pill that has ibuprofen, this was before Advil, Midol, and other brand names. The pill was supposed to help the pain in her stomach. I didn't know the specifics of her condition. I just heard her periodically vomit in the bathroom. I remember being yelled at, "Do not to get on my nerves...go play...don't bother me!" Her face was scary and I didn't back talk, because I knew if I didn't do as I was told I would be threatened and dad was going to hear about it, well let's just say,
My sister and I (there were only two of us children) tried very hard to behave.

What I didn't know back then as a little girl (no more than six years old) that I would also experience what my mother was going through starting at age nine. The pains were intense by eleven until I became an adult and had my third child in my thirties!! That was an understatement I suffered for half a day at times with everything from stomach and leg cramps to throwing up--nothing would stay down!! The heavy blood flow was terrible and I often messed up my clothes. The feminine napkins were uncomfortable and sometimes would shift while rolling over in a bed or walking which would cause messes. I tried to keep my condition from school friends, but they were curious. They would peek in the trash can after I left the bathroom. Looking back, they were a nasty bunch of girls! Most of them didn't start their cycles until a couple years later or longer. They announced to others (mainly boys) that I was on my period. Thank goodness the boys didn't say too much.

I remember experiencing achy body parts from my breasts to my legs and some parts in between as a young girl and older. These pains felt like having the flu. I would get hot and cold as well which meant sometimes those hot water bottles (I use to use long ago) I would take off my legs only to put right back on again because the pain was throbbing so bad to the point that I couldn't walk especially the first day of my period. I recall the ups and downs in my moods and at times no desire to concentrate sometimes on schoolwork. My dad use to lose his cool with me and blamed my lack of concentration on everything but being a girl who was experiencing her menstrual cycle. Sometimes I heard my mom remind him. So in between his frustration with trying to help me with my homework, he would just say, "Go do it yourself!" while mom had pity on me and sometimes needed Grandma to come out to our house to help her with me. What did my dad know anyway, he was a man!?

As I write, I remember having to walk up hills in the cold, rain and snow from school with terrible cramps.  I can count on one hand how many times someone came to get me from school when I felt bad. When I turned 15, I started getting rides from neighbors and people from school especially when I felt really bad. The blood clots caused so much pain. Sometimes my friends could tell I was feeling bad, because I would get a little snappy with them and there were times that I just wanted to break up with my high school sweetheart for no apparent reason. I didn't like to be touched during that time of the month if I could help it.

My mom had taken me to the doctor, but there wasn't really anything they could do for a child other than tell my mother to have me use a heating pad, give me Tylenol, and try to get me to move around. They also suggested birth control.  Of course, the doctors were male.  My pains were too bad to even think about moving around. Supposedly this advice would help the cramps pass, but it never did for me. Besides I was already exercising five days a week when I walked to and from school on most days and that was almost a two mile walk!

There were many times that I cried out to grandma's God and all I kept thinking about was that woman in the Holy Bible named Eve and her experience in the garden. I pleaded with God if I ever had children, I never wanted daughters. Why should they have to go through this too? The doctor's said it was hereditary. The church said it was a generational curse.

Looking back as a teen, I always had two bad weeks where I felt bad. Sometimes the poetry and stories I wrote back then reflected my condition. I would be depressed on some days and really didn't want to go to school, but in my childhood home you didn't breathe a word about not feeling well unless every sign on your face, body and in the toilet was evident.

I eventually went on to college with the same issues and to add more drama to my life back in the mid-nineties I met an abusive man (you can get my book at Amazon.com-Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate by Nicholl McGuire or visit this site.) With all the problems mentally and physically, I just couldn't take going to college anymore and left after six years. Instead, I drew near to my Lord and haven't looked back since with regret.

When I grew older, I was told that once I had children the pain wouldn't be as bad--they were right about the cramps, but to date, I still have my moments. It is more of a mental challenge with some days out of the month being attacked with various PMDD related symptoms. I believe my move from the east coast to a warmer climate on the west coast helped me some during my mid-twenties. However, I didn't anticipate that I would later face various mental conditions each month as well.

In my mid-twenties, I had child number one (God did deliver on that prayer of not having girls.) But, my happiness was short-lived about childbirth because I was wishing back then at least half of the month for baby and man to go away. Between my menstrual issues and their needs, it was too much! Then the next child came along and I was ready to get rid of the man, but keep the children part-time. It didn't help that he had his share of issues too. During this time birth control was supposed to help with my symptoms like cramping, but it did nothing more than give me more issues to deal with like crazy mood swings, hair falling out, weight gain and the looming threat of cancer in my future if I kept taking them--no thanks! By baby three (I am divorced and with someone different,) I just wanted to know when God planned on taking me off the face of the earth.  A woman who just couldn't fight all these PMS related symptoms, as far as I was concerned, needed a resting place. In time, the pain wasn't as intense each month, but all the PMS symptoms experienced for the two weeks leading up to the cycle was enough to wish I were dead. When I took notice of the mental changes two weeks out of the month on a consistent basis began in 1999 and still have been consistent presently.

Finally after years of listening to some men call me crazy and others just pity me, I had learned that what I was suffering from was PMDD which is worse than PMS--mind you I had to find this out on my own!!! There are 150 symptoms related to a woman's menstrual cycle! As if all this wasn't enough, baby boy four shows up during those PMDD highs where all seems to be alright with the world back in 2007 and there I was in the doctor's office getting a precription for antidepressants when I finally came down and was no longer pregnant. I seem to be in better spirits while pregnant.

At first I thought I was on my way to living a life where I didn't feel bad half the time while on those pills, but oh no!  I tried three different ones and every one had side effects that either made me more weird, hyper, sick feeling, or tired. Oh and might I add, gain some weight. I gave them all up after hearing a voice awake me one morning with, "You are going to die."  What the...!?  I thought. So I'm hearing an evil voice while on the pills? So the old song goes, " I could do bad all by myself." I weened myself off of those pills after alerting my doctor.

A couple of years ago I returned to my old roots and went to see someone who sold natural medicines.  My experience has been okay, but still I have my moments. I have learned to shut people out when I feel my symptoms coming on which means no serious conversations in-person, chatting unnecessarily on social networking sites, inviting people over my home, and no music or TV that glorify evil, relationship dramas, etc. and definitely no depressing TV news! I don't need the added stress. I am also tired of apologizing to others for my alters. Oh, I didn't mention that having serious PMDD issues makes you feel like you have separate personalities. Who knows, with all the pain I suffered with as a child, I could have created separate personalities to deal with the pain?

In closing, I just wanted to share my personal experience with PMDD related symptoms with those mothers who find themselves going out of their minds sometimes, you aren't alone. I just pray that you will get all the help you can before it's too late.  As for those of us who have found a way to cope like: personal faith, herbal medicines, prescription medicines, support groups and/or rehab, if you recognize a mother who is falling apart, try to lead her to some help. I think of all the people who witnessed moms "lose it," so they say. Yet, they never bothered to give her a phone number to some help, a website, offer to drive her to see a doctor, or give her money to help with buying medicine.  In my opinion, if she should snap out and kill some folks, those insensitive partners and busybodies around her who "always knew she was crazy" ought to be locked up too!  Rather than call her "crazy, mental" or some other insulting word, find some help for these moms.

Nicholl McGuire

Mothers Who Love Their Children Too Much

2011-07-16T14:28:00.000-07:00

Is there such a thing as a mother loving her children too much? Those of you who have witnessed a mother lie, cry, or even die for her children know exactly what loving a child too much means. It doesn't matter that the child is wrong when it comes to relating to others, repeatedly manipulates a parent to get what he or she wants, and does other things that even God would have to come down from heaven and personally spank the child for, mom loves her baby.

A mother who chooses to love her child beyond words is alright with me until her motherly love becomes a problem for me. What if this "I love my baby" mama has a child who needs to be disciplined for doing something to mine and she refuses to do it? What if her sweetie ends up stealing from me? What if cutie pie cusses me out in front of my children? It's alright with her, huh? For this same mom will turn around and say, "What did you do for my child to react that way to you?" Notice she doesn't blame her child.

I can speak to this issue of a mother loving her children too much, because I realize that I was headed down that track of loving my children so much that the lines of good and bad started blurring. I loved out of guilt for being away from them for a time, for divorcing dad, and for frequently being short with them, because my job was more important. I also witnessed other mothers go overboard for their children out of guilt as well. It didn't matter that I was putting myself in further debt to meet their needs. I didn't think much if I was arguing with their father over what they did or didn't do. I couldn't care less about the criticism I received from others even when my children were in the wrong.

When I finally decided to sit down and reflect on my actions (or in-actions,) I realize that what I saw myself doing concerning my children I didn't like too much and I became fearful of what they may or may not become in the future. So I took my Bible out, prayed and started making time in my schedule to read and pray with them more.

I recall a friend telling me that her mother would do any and everything for her "good-for-nothing brother." I personally watched for years a mother beg and borrow for her children. Sometimes I was told to "shut-up" or "be quiet" about what I saw.

It shouldn't take a mother losing her bank account, home or freedom to realize that she loves her children too much. I understand that many moms will give their right arm for their children, but I no longer see that as a noble thing to do. If we teach our children to be responsible, respectful, and independent, we wouldn't have to give up any of our limbs. It's interesting because some of the mothers I have encountered who went above and beyond for their children, aren't getting the same in return. Now they are bitter and bad mouth their adult sons and daughters regularly.

I remember listening to a group of mothers exchanging stories about confrontations they were involved in regarding their children. They said things like, "If that b#$^&, would have put her hands on my child I would of...I don't play with no one messing with my child...I wish someone would bother my child..." I could relate to a mother protecting her cubs, but when my cub is hard-headed and keeps defying me, well there comes a point when some things he will have to learn for himself. Sure, I will do what I can to keep him from the hot stove, but if he insists on seeing what it feels like, at some point I won't be around to stop him.

As much as we, as mothers, don't like to take others' advice and at times we think we know-it-all, sometimes we need to look at that person in the mirror who may be: graying prematurely, picking up a lot of weight (or losing a lot) due to stress, receiving complaints from others about our children, and overdrafting a bank account or two for our children, that we seriously need to make changes or else we won't be around to love our children.

Nicholl McGuire

Investing in our children as if one day they will be our best friends.

2011-06-20T21:20:00.000-07:00

So we buy them what they need, want, desire and so on. What's the benefit to them/to us? Do we get brownie points with our children for being "the best mommy?" Some mothers will go so far as to give everyone they speak to an itemized list of everything they have ever done for their children. Even our own mothers will say to us, "Remember when I gave you..."

Why exactly are we giving our children more than enough anyway? Do we ever bother to think what the long-term effects will be on our children (especially when the money runs out and we can't keep up with all of their requests?) Who are we trying to impress? Does anyone even care about all those great activities our children participate in? Most likely not. They are too busy living their lives. But we parents, care! So much so that we forget that no relative and or family friend should ever be obligated to partake in the burdens we place on ourselves (ie. our children's extracurricular activities.) So why do we care so much? Quite possibly because we may have unmet childhood needs, created spoiled brats, or just want to impress our children by getting others to support them. We try to do and be everything to them, because some of us reason, if we are not, then who will?

I thought about this issue of giving our children in the hopes that some day they will return the favor after listening to a parent rant about her grown daughter not doing for her "after all the years I have helped her!!" She mentioned the times in her daughter's life she invested in their relationship while the daughter lacked appreciation and acted as if "that's what family should do." Apparently someone didn't get the memo that just because you deem a certain child "a favorite" and you do as much as you can for this person, doesn't mean that he or she will think of a parent as such a great person once they become older. Not only that, the adult son or daughter may not feel as if he or she owes a parent anything simply because part of the title as parent is to care for his or her child.

It seems that the more you give a child (or anyone) who has never experienced what it's like not to have, the more likely he or she will become an ingrate. This person will behave like what you do for him or her is never good enough. Think for a moment: What would happen if you just took a long break from giving your own children as much as you gave them yesterday, last week, a few months ago, or last year? They would appreciate what you give them moreso the next time.

Now on the other hand, there are those relatives and family friends that don't have a spirit of generosity and more than likely that is why some parents feel obligated to give to their children so much. It's unfortunate that some of these people behave very selfishly, act ridiculously frugal (cheap.) Some of these same people think that if they give anything to anyone it should be celebrated. Your children should be available to work for them since they bought them toys on their birthday. Your son or daughter should announce to the world that grandpap gave $5 toward a camp trip. You should do a cartwheel for that small donation to the college fund--whoopee! But I digress...

I personally think that if we as parents create a healthy balance between giving and receiving from our children, they will be okay. Our children will observe what we do, and in time, repeat our actions. So if we are responsible and give within reason (that means not all the time like everytime we visit a store) they will be more appreciative with what they have already and will do the same with their children one day. A child that is use to getting what he or she wants all the time will be a challenge to try to change, but if a parent remains consistent in his or her behavior for a time, a son or daughter will catch on and will be less likely to badger the parent with unnecessary requests.

We must remember to evaluate why we give as much as we do to our children. Then we should take the time to think about how our actions will impact the future. Lastly, we ought to face the reality that any investment we make today in our children may be null and void once they become adults--not every child will grow up to become an adult that will say, "Thank you. Now what would you like for me to do for you?"

Nicholl McGuire

Soap Operas not Good for Children: a Woman’s Childhood Experience

2011-06-05T22:00:00.000-07:00

During spring, summer and winter school vacations children tend to watch more television. With that said, there a lot of things that come on during day time television that are not good for young children to watch. I remember as a child experiencing some strange sensations in places I rather not get into, from watching some rather steamy scenes of lovemaking on soap operas. The adults thought that I wasn’t paying much attention to those soaps, but I was doing more than just watching them I was fantasizing about what it would be like for someone to hold and kiss me back in the early 90s. You see I remember over 20 years later passionate moments that Victor and Nikki had then Victor and Ashley on the Young and the Restless. Then there was Brooke and Ridge on the Bold and the Beautiful who seemed to forever have tears in their eyes with every embrace. Then of course Taylor one day becomes the new kid on the block and “steals” Ridge according to Brooke. Then who could forget Another World, Guiding Light, and Days of Our Lives during those muggy summers back then. I remember studying the kisses of some of those characters like Rachel who was in Another World and Reeva who had found many loves on the Guiding Light and Bo, you may remember with his dark, thick hair, how many girls with taste and women with fantasies wanted him to be a part of “…Our Lives.” I wasn’t too young not to know any different – my eyes and emotions were not restricted from what relatives didn’t think was harmful.

There were the common story themes of broken marriages, greed, power struggles, egos, sex, lies, manipulation, unwanted pregnancies, rape, fights, mental disorders, handicaps, murder, mayhem, jealousies, and confrontations. What’s funny is in the course of my life, I have had my share of many dramas such as these. I may have subconsciously handled personal issues in the way that I was conditioned to handle them by watching the soaps due to so many hours watching them during school vacations. Much of my childhood poetry had adult themes and now know why I was writing about relationship issues like cheating as young as 11.

Many of the observations I made were through a mind of a child. I formulated some good thoughts as well as bad based on what I seen the characters do, say and get away with on television. When I first actually noticed soaps and was able to understand the adult messages, I was about 10 years old.

The first thing I inferred from watching these pretend stories was that when couples grew tired of one another or when a new face came to town they would most likely have relationship problems that would often result in a breakup. To me, I learned that one should always be careful of the new person that comes in your life. I noticed that at times characters would cheat on their significant other and for some it was okay as long as they were good providers.

Life was never enjoyable for the soap opera characters something always had to be going on. If it wasn’t someone getting married, someone was in jail, stalking or being stalked, or worse, murdered off the show. But unlike the real world, the dead could come back again and pick up where they left off as if they never left the show.

Children grew up fast in soap opera world too! I remember thinking why couldn’t I and my friends grow up just as fast. One minute a character was holding a newborn in her hand, the next year or so she is giving her son or daughter keys to a car or a job with the family business.

The one thing I remember that was very true to reality was that the good times never lasted for long. A character maybe smiling on Monday, but by Friday he or she is emotional. Arguments and physical fights kept me glued to the television. There was that feeling of anticipation for the next scene then the next episode. Weekends didn’t go by fast enough before I was ready to sit in front of the television again hoping to absorb more daytime trash TV.

The men in the soap operas often carried on conversations at work; the women often visited one another at home. Most didn’t have any titles or positions of authority. They were pretty much the wife of someone powerful. I observed the more serious storylines seemed to evolve around the men and the petty ones around the women.

Many of the storylines suggested women could not be trusted. They were treacherous with one another, evil, conniving and would stop at nothing to destroy one another. Funny, when it came to handling their problems with men, these mischievous characters weren’t so strong.

I can’t tell you how many times I saw a character be in a car accident, wear some bandages for a few scenes then before you know it they are out of the hospital completely healed and attractive. Mentally handicapped characters would disappear for awhile sometimes years then come back mentally stable and ready to jump into bed with someone.

With all this soap watching, I would converse with neighborhood friends about the latest occurrences and if relatives were too busy to see them, I would inform them of what happened that day. Our community had a free phone service you could dial into and listen to recorded messages of what happened on the soaps that day. I wasn’t allowed to sit on the phone during the summer and talk to friends, but it was okay to listen to recorded messages about the soaps.

Needless to say, my summers were so long and hot that by the time school started I was ready for a little more than academics. Although I was too afraid to do anything as a girl, I had natural feelings for boys and was scolded when my developmental changes became noticeable.

The sad part is the women who sat with me and watched soaps were responsible for what my eyes saw, yet they didn’t feel that they were accountable for speeding me up in growth like the children’s lives were sped up in the soaps.

By Nicholl McGuire

10 Ways to Cope When Your Children Are Far Away

2011-06-05T21:09:00.000-07:00

Whether your child or children are 3000 miles away in the United States or in another country, you miss them. People around you may not understand your sudden mood swings, your urges to get on the next flight out of town to see them, or your long stories about them to anyone who will listen. So how do you cope when you can’t be with your sons, daughters, or both?

One. Plan time in your schedule to make phone calls.

Surprisingly there are many parents who have children out of state and will rarely call. It’s almost too easy to be consumed by work and other activities and forget about simple acts to show your children you care. Don’t allow this to happen to you! Even if it has been a long time since you made contact, remind yourself to call them just like you remind yourself to pick something up from the grocery store.
Two. Write letters.

Don’t want to be bothered with the ex who wants to tell your child what to say when you talk to him or her? Would you prefer not to get into yet another argument with the mother or father? Write a nice letter that’s simple to read and briefly tells them about what you are doing and how much you love and miss them. For young children include stickers they make the letter child friendly.

Three. Draw or color pictures.

One of the best ways to relate to children is by doing activities they can relate to. How do you think it would make them feel if you drew a picture of something or colored one of their favorite cartoon characters and put their name on it? Sometimes we have to become child like to make them feel we care and that we aren’t so bad after all.
Four. Take photos of yourself.

Make faces, lay down and take a wacky photo of your eye or nose, or stand in front of something beautiful, ugly or scary. Young or old, children will love the fact you are sharing one of your adventures with them. Consider creating a photo book. You can go to any drug store and talk with the photo tech about your idea or search the Internet for creative ways to make your own. Also, consider t-shirts, mugs, and other cool things for them to use with your photo on it.

Five. Record video of yourself.

A simple computer webcam, digital camera, or a Flip Video camera will help you make this idea happen. Tell them about your day, read a book, or record audio or video of your side of the family conversing while commenting on what they are viewing. It will make them feel like they are a part of your world and help them keep you in memory.

Six. Send old photos from when you were about their age.

Now these photos would be different from the recent photos mentioned earlier, you want your children to begin to collect keepsakes from your childhood. They will be impressed at how young you looked and may even have some great questions to ask you during your next phone conversation. Two cool ideas are: creating a puzzle photo or printing photos on cards about the size of baseball collector cards complete with a description of the relative.
Seven. Send care packages.

Who doesn’t like packages in the mail? Whether your son or daughter is old or young, they will be happy to know you thought enough to send a package that may feed their stomach, stimulate their eyes, help them with a problem, or fit all three needs.

Eight. Decorate your workspace or another common area you spend time in with some fun photos of them.

Now while doing for your children will help you cope, here’s something you can do for yourself! Surround yourself with photos of your children. You don’t want too many or they may overwhelm you emotionally—just display a few photos that aren’t off in a dark corner, but not so noticeable that you bump into them. Be selective of the photos you display keep in mind some headshots can actually make you feel bad especially if your children aren’t smiling, or crying in the photos.

Nine. Choose a favorite song, movie or game you and your children use to enjoy playing when you are feeling down.

Maybe you loved playing a certain gaming system together, laughed a lot when you watched one of their movies, or danced together when a great song came on the radio, whatever you did, have fun for a moment and allow yourself to cry. Better to express emotions behind closed doors then out in the public. However, avoid the temptation to keep recreating the event when you start feeling yourself feel really bad.

Ten. Spend time with someone else’s children playing with toys and attending children related events.

One of the fastest ways to get yourself out of a bad mood concerning missing your children is to be around other people’s children. They will remind you of the good, bad, and ugly about parenting. A crying baby, a disobedient child, a loud toy, a hungry toddler will keep you on your toes! Visit the toy aisle and buy them something. The smile on their faces will do your heart good!
These ways will not bring your children back to you at least not now, but they are seeds you are sowing into the future. One day you will return to them or they will come to you and they will remember your efforts to be a part of their lives.

Lastly, if you have a faith, consider prayer. Some people have lost their children due to death, but they still manage to keep a faith because it helps them cope with knowing their children are in a better place than earth. You may want to lean on prayer to help you cope with the fact you are here on earth with your children and are having a difficult time getting to them. Pray for wisdom on how you can be together again with your children. A financial blessing, a frustrated former partner, unexpected time off from work, or a great opportunity can put you in the right place at the right time to see your children.

Don't Suffocate Your Intuition by Listening to Others

2011-06-02T08:38:00.000-07:00

There is always someone who is going to tell you how you should feel, what to think and what to say when it comes to things like a relationship and raising children. Some information is quite helpful while other tips are time wasters.

I think of moments in my own life when relatives and friends told me not to worry over something that my gut said, "You better be concerned about this. What will you do if you find out the truth? Let's start planning."

When there is a voice or feeling that keeps nagging at you to do something about a situation, as a wife and mother you better! Forget all that self-talk about, "Being insecure..." Throw away comments like, "Maybe you need to get away..." Sometimes there is no running from a circumstance. You either stand strong and do what you must or sit quiet and wait until you have a plan orchestrated. Whatever you do, don't run, hide, or lie to yourself or others about what is bothering you. Too many people drive themselves crazy suppressing their God-given intuition.

Nicholl McGuire

How to Behave Around Your Ex’s New Girlfriend in Front of the Children

2011-05-31T05:40:00.001-07:00

So he got a new girlfriend since the breakup and now you are wondering what now? "How should I act?" Hopefully the following tips will help you "be adult" about such matters.

1. Wave to both when you see them arrive to pick up your children.

2. Think about what you are going to say before you say it. If you don’t have nothing good to say, don’t say anything.

3. Don’t walk over to the car unless you are ready to make eye contact and small talk.

4. If you won’t be walking over to the car, then stay where you are such as standing in front of the family home, on a balcony, or looking outside a window.

5. Find something funny about the way your ex looks, the car he is driving, or his choice in a partner. A sense of humor is always helpful in any kind of situation.

6. Avoid the temptation to drag out your goodbye with the children or say or do anything to draw attention to yourself or anger your ex such as hugging or kissing him. This type of behavior only adds to an already tensed situation.

7. Wave goodbye to everyone and make your exit.

8. If you will be meeting your ex at his vehicle, then be polite and brief. A simple “Hello” and a “How are you?” is sufficient. You may want to add a question addressed to the both of them about the trip, a comment about the weather, some fun place you took the children, or something important regarding an item you packed.

9. Avoid discussing any significant issues with the ex in front of her. Instead, reserve your conversation for the phone or Internet.

10. Offer to help with packing the luggage in the trunk.

11. Say a final good bye and a final wave to all.

12. Wait awhile before you get on the phone and start talking about him to your relatives and friends just in case he may come back for something the children may have forgotten.

13. The tears may come, don’t fight them.

14. Find something to keep you busy.

15. If the children don’t call you when they make it dad's house, you call them, it eases the stress.

Nicholl McGuire

What to Do When You Just Feel Bad About Your Health

2011-05-29T15:57:00.000-07:00

You may be tired of the way you look, feel, or both. When you look back on photographs of your past there is the feeling of either wishing you could go back, an appreciation of how far you have come, or thoughts of how you let yourself go over the years. Whatever the feeling, you are at a place in your life of unhappiness and you know you need to do something about it.

Some of us have a family history of disease, pain, mental, and physical challenges, while others may not be aware of any chronic illnesses in the family, but find that something strange is happening within our bodies the older we get. It doesn’t make anyone feel any better when another news report tells us that a beloved food or drink is cancer causing. So what do you do when you find that internally you don’t feel well and your doctor has been so kind to advise you to change your eating habits, exercise, and get proper rest while writing out a prescription for whatever ails you? Meanwhile, those around you are gradually dying and that has been an additional stress that has also contributed to your physical pain. The following will help you sort out your internal challenges and better prepare you for your next doctor’s visit.

You will need a note pad and pen to achieve results with this advice. Let’s begin in steps. First, you will want to begin journaling your health concerns include the date you started. Then you will need to interview yourself just like the doctor may have done with you, if you have visited him or her already, the only difference is that you are going to delve deeper in questioning yourself and spend more time thinking of things you may have forgotten to tell your doctor or just didn’t want to share. I personally noted my own observations of bodily changes using a calendar, rather than a notepad. I found it easy to see any possible patterns. Taking the initiative to document your health concerns prior to a doctor visit, is extremely helpful to him or her, because they will have a better understanding of what might be causing you to feel the way you do. Many people don’t bother to think thoroughly about their health experiences prior to visiting their doctor and they leave it all up to him or her to figure out everything. No one knows your symptoms better than you do, so write down what you can remember and if you aren’t a writer use a recorder.

You will start your interview with self by asking questions such as, “What kind of symptoms have I been experiencing lately that has been hindering me at home, work or play?” You make a note of your feelings and bodily changes. You pen dates and times if you can remember and also if anyone said anything to you about any symptoms they may have witnessed you go through such as mood swings, irritability, vomiting, fever, etc.

Next you record what kind of life changes both good and bad you have been experiencing lately. A job loss, a new job, business opportunity, relocations, marriage, death, a birth of a child: are all circumstances whether expected or unexpected that can cause major stress.

Third, if you know your family’s medical history, make a note of any illnesses they may have had and list any similar health problems you went through in the past and include dates and any medications you were prescribed.

Fourth, write down what you are doing to cope. Are you exercising, reading, shopping, watching television, popping pills, drinking alcohol or taking illegal drugs to manage the pain? Include how often you are participating in these activities. Think of whether the music you are listening to, the books you are reading or the shows you are watching on television are positive. There are many people who will avoid listening, watching, or reading anything that is tragic, because they know how it makes them feel afterward which is usually depressed.

Fifth, you will want to think when was the last time you took a vacation, had sex, got time off from work, slept in, or simply did something fun for you! Write the date, how often, and describe anything that may have happened that affected your health.

Now that you have taken the time to think about your life events and behaviors, you will want to do the sixth step and that is create a plan to make some changes that have been causing unnecessary stress for you. Think of what you have been eating lately, when you have been eating these things, and how frequently. Consider doing some research on what constitutes healthy eating. Create a shopping list rich in fruits and vegetables. Also, educate yourself about fasting (this is abstaining from certain foods, juicing or going without food or drink for a set period of time.) Talk to your doctor about fasting if you are interested in doing it. If he or she says it’s okay, then you will want to journal your experience with fasting. Some people fast as little as 24 hours while others will fast up to 40 days. Those who have participated in fasting will tell you they learned a lot about their own personal struggles, fears, and body while partaking in the fast and soon after made some changes in their eating habits. For those who participate in fasts for spiritual reasons, they found that their faith in God became stronger. However, true spiritual fasts are God ordained, so you will want to pray if you feel like participating in one. They aren’t easy (in my life time I have participated in some lengthy ones ). You will want to tell someone who can hold you accountable about what you are doing. He or she should be someone who you admire, respect, and is eating healthy.

Lastly, include some time during the day to exercise. You can walk during your lunch hour, stretch in front of the television or do some other exercise that is comfortable for you. Seek out professional instruction on what kind of exercise is best for your body weight. Not every exercise is good for everyone.

In conclusion, when you have made up in your mind that you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will be building up the motivation to do what you need to do to make you look and feel better. Don’t worry over the exact date and time, just do it. Outline your goals and when you achieve them, don’t do like some people and treat yourself to some food or activity that is harmful to your health; instead, do something that won’t make you feel guilty.

By Nicholl McGuire

Laugh More, Cry Less

2011-05-24T19:07:00.000-07:00

After listening to my son today, laugh up a storm over the littlest of things like when you freeze a frame of a video and someone is doing something bizarre, I realized that with all the pressures surrounding me, I need to do more of that.

Sometimes we get so bogged down with serious matters that we forget to laugh. I can't tell you how many times I said the past few days, "Ooo maybe I shouldn't laugh about that..." suppressing my laughter, even when no one is around to judge me. Now that, my friend, is taking yourself too seriously.

I can't tell you how many jokes pop into my head about my partner, current events, the children, relatives, even strangers on the street. One day, I think I am going to laugh hysterically one day and with tears in my eyes say, "I'm so sorry but I have been holding this in for far too long..." So what, they will think I'm crazy.

So I leave you with this, if you want to laugh at something that maybe you shouldn't, hey your secret is safe with me, because I've made up in my mind that if I see another person in my household or on the street wearing pants so high above the ankles that their walking funny, I'm going to laugh.

Nicholl McGuire

After Mother's Day Blues

2011-05-12T11:37:00.000-07:00

The media, churches, retail store clerks, relatives, and friends stimulated mothers mentally for weeks about Mother’s Day. Even children were pressured by teachers to create projects to honor their moms. Partners worried over what to do for Mother’s Day since paychecks went to bills. There were so many reminders and so little money and time to find something to make Mom happy. Some of you pulled it off while others couldn’t. There were mothers who received something on Mother’s Day even if it was a simple phone call, while others received a little of something or nothing at all.

Expectant moms, senior moms, divorced moms, single moms, moms in jail and all other moms were desiring something—anything that said, “Happy Mother’s Day.” But it just didn’t happen and now some are bitter. They bad mouthed the holiday, cussed a partner, yelled at the children, and vowed that no one would get anything for a year! Some mothers may have got something last year, but this year they got nothing because someone had vowed last year that, “Mom isn’t getting anything because she didn’t give me anything for my birthday! I am tired of buying for people and they don’t buy for me!” The Mother’s Day blues has set in and it doesn’t go away until certain people honor the mother who feels like she has done so much for everyone else, yet they can’t even bother to say, “Happy Mother’s Day!”

I have been on both sides of the fence--the mom that receives acknowledgment on Mother’s Day and the mom who doesn’t. Years ago, I had freed myself of the burdens of holidays only to get suck back in by media hype and family pressure. I went back to buying people things and sometimes I got things back and sometimes I didn’t. It hurts when you spend your last money on someone that should have been allocated toward a bill. That’s why I have to remind myself to pray first about gift giving no matter what time of year!

I started talking to my children about acknowledging me on Mother’s Day now that they are older with the hopes that they will do the same for their partners once they become adults. The last thing I want are disgruntled daughter-in-laws accusing me of not raising my sons up right over the simplest of things.

As I write, I realize that when someone else’s great idea ie.) Mother’s Day, begins to burden you, your finances and upset your household, you have to break free! I don’t believe the originator’s intention was to cause a problem for some with the Mother’s Day concept, but many have turned it into such because they are angry at: a partner, ungrateful children, a selfish parent or someone else who made the holiday ugly in their sight.

When I thought back to how free I was mentally, physically and spiritually from man-made holidays once upon a time (before starting my own family,) I was happier. I didn’t have to worry over what to buy mom or wonder what a partner would do for me. Everyone knew, “She doesn’t celebrate holidays.” However, once I got myself wrapped up into gift-giving, not with prayer and fasting, but just because everyone else was doing it, I didn’t feel so good about what I was doing. So what happens when you start to feel this way? You don’t want to keep doing it, but you do it anyway sometimes with feelings of resentment and worry. What happens when I can’t celebrate Mother’s Day next year or I have nothing exciting for Father’s Day? Will my own mom talk about me? Will the children’s father try to pay me back next year? What about those days that aren’t holidays that I do for others, will those times be remembered? These thoughts and more went through my mind.

I understand it is hard when one isn’t acknowledged on a day like Mother’s Day, like I said before I have been there, and I know you can’t help but think about all the things you have done for your family and others. However, realize that when you allow what someone does or doesn’t do to affect your mood, you are putting yourself in bondage. There will be other holidays and this person or group may not acknowledge you for those holidays either, but don’t worry, expect nothing and you won’t be let down.

As mothers who are trying to instill positive values in our children, we must remember that we can’t allow our disappointments with our partners or others to affect our parenting. There are those of you who are thinking, “Out of all the people, he should have at least got the children to give me something…” and maybe he should of, but remember people have their reasons for why they do what they do. Some things you might want to do in the future, if you are one of the ones who expect to be honored on Mother’s Day, is to prepare those around you in advance, but you can’t do this with a sour attitude.

Let your family know that you think that Mother’s Day is important. Tell them that even if they don’t have any money or can’t make it to your home on that day, you would be open to another day of acknowledgment at their convenience. As much as some of us would like things to happen when we want them, we must remind ourselves it isn’t always so. If you communicate your feelings to those around you in a polite way, who knows what next year might bring.
However, you may be changing, like I am, and if you are headed in that “take it or leave it” direction, then we must remember that we are letting those around us know that Mother’s Day and other holidays are unimportant, so we must stick to it. When we say one thing, but expect another, we will only be causing upset in our households. People will begin to think, “Well which is it? Celebrate holiday or not?” We also have to remain open to holidays that we might be acknowledged and we might not, but whatever happens, it should always be okay.

I think we paint ourselves in a box when we bad mouth holidays, talk about what someone does or doesn’t do for us, or criticize their gifts, because what we are telling others is, “Don’t buy for her, she’s negative and ungrateful.” Eventually, that painted box will become a wall around us and then when someone comes along with his or her best intentions, they bump right into it! He or she will unfortunately be shut out of our lives with all our negativity. I think God allows this for good-hearted people’s own protection. Once they see that negative wall, they stop coming around.

So I leave you with “Happy Mother’s Days” all year round! May you be blessed with sales, bargains and convenient parking when you go out and honor yourself each payday!

Nicholl McGuire