lifeintrees

Kabuzz, sometimes it's like gnat.

2016-08-17T09:18:00.000-07:00

These two.

I want to give them everything, always, forever.

I want to catch the morning sunshine in a jar and pour it

all over their pancakes.

It Just Does

2016-08-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

These days in August are special.

Probably for everyone, always, forever.

If you grew up with a hot August then you know what

I am talking about.

You want to get the most out of everything.

Fall is right around the corner.

Eat all the peaches.

Savor the remaining melons.

Fill your belly with sweet, sweet corn

because in a flash it is gone.

And all you have are the memories and

peach juice drying in your "beard."

I am not in my usual place nowadays.

I am Upstate. Sundown.

How I got here is a story for another time

but let's just say I'm lucky.

I am painting in a barn.

I am swimming in a cold water hole.

I am riding a bike

and I am catching all the reptiles

and amphibians I can find.

Like I said, I am lucky.

lovemathew

Grow So Fast

2016-07-18T19:37:00.001-07:00

It all goes too fast.

I have so much to say and not

enough time to say it

because I am busy trying

to keep up and not miss

a thing.

lovmsthwe

Life Tricks

2016-07-06T17:41:00.001-07:00

Feeling the sun shining down on you?

That's great.

That is what I imagine life being, like, the best life possible.

A stone, on a beach.

A fish, in a lagoon.

A leaf on top of a tree.

A bone, whitening in the desert.

What do you do with reoccurring dreams?

When you know a room, or a path or a scenario so well...

What does it all mean and why did it choose me?

I don't know what to say about that.

I just wish it didn't feel so heavy.

[lovmathew

Breakfast for Lunch

2016-06-16T18:43:00.001-07:00

I had the startling realization today that by letting people do what they

are going to do, and giving them space and time to get their ideas or feelings out

all of a sudden they make a whole lot more sense.

Here I think that Burger is as stubborn as a clam when he won't open up to me.

Then I start to catch little bits of information if I just let him talk.

I ask minimal questions, or I save them for the end.

Tonight was simple, quiet and productive.

Guide by example, not force

...right?!!

I can't have certain expectations about who he, or anyone is or should be.

I can be happy they're alive and work to a space where we relate.

I am not kidding when I say that I have two children.

TWO!!

It's a lot, or it can be.

But I have support systems.

And that is as important

as anything.

lovhwtew

Make them laugh.

2016-06-15T19:08:00.001-07:00

These moments in time exist.

You must look for them.

They are fleeting.

But if they exist, and they do

then you know something is going right.

Even if you worry about things not.

There is a reason for everything.

Sick Boy

2016-06-09T19:04:00.000-07:00

This morning, as I wiped the only hour of sleep I got last night from my eyes

I was startled to have this young man come scrambling on top of me, half sobbing, one quarter

hyperventilating and one quarter handsome as all hell.

He said he was having a panic attack.

It was 5:40 in the morning.

This planted the seeds of an all day panic attack, but at the time I was unaware

of this fact and I proceeded to do what I always seem to do lately and

tell him to quiet down lest he wake his baby brother and then god have mercy

on us all for we shall all feel that one's wrath...

Which is mighty.

This guy, this guy that has been known as Burger, he was sick.

And I felt as though I failed him this morning.

And this is a heartache.

I suppose I am often

too hard on myself.

I want so badly to do right by him

and this clouds the moment

and I often end up focusing

on what I want rather than what

he needs

Maybe? Probably?

I am being dramatic though.

I told my coworker today,

"My reward for making it through the day is to see both my children tucked into their beds, snoring."

This is basically true.

Because one day doesn't define you as a person.

It's a long game that you enter into upon becoming a parent.

A game that doesn't end.

I told another worker bee once that I only can see the world now through the lens of being a father.

I have no memory of sleeping in.

I have no memory of myself as a being who isn't relied upon to be responsible, kind, patient and loving.

Becoming a parent, you say goodbye to who you think you are.

It is no longer about that person.

It is no longer about "you"

There is only the child.

This is how it is.

You find time to fit yourself into the cracks around them.

I am fine with this.

It's not like I was in the middle of Law School or anything.

Letting Go.

2016-06-09T18:39:00.003-07:00

Take care of yourself.

Take care of your family.

Let everyone be the people they are, and watch them

grow into the people they can become.

Letting go is the hardest, most rewarding part of being alive.

I think Lincoln said that.

It may have been Neil Armstrong.

These two guys, in the picture?

They are who they are, and they're happy with that.

And so I am happy with that.

Look at all that hair.

Group Therapy

2016-03-31T18:55:00.003-07:00

Today was like group therapy but at work though.

I felt very competent and aware, and I was proud to be at work.

Days like today are a gift.

I have other things to go do now.

But know that I keep it going.

lvoamtewh

Making due

2016-01-28T17:29:00.002-08:00

Some days you wake up and everything is fine.

You have a clear passage in which breath enters and leaves your body.

Your temples do not throb.

There is no shivering or hot flashes.

These days are generally the rule in my life.

But today it was not.

Today I was in no shape to go to work.

And yet, knowing this as early as yesterday afternoon I still foolishly turned down a chance to stay home and rest and instead decided that I should be responsible and go to work.

Because somewhere along the line I decided it was irresponsible to stay home sick convinced that anyone I spoke to about my condition would determine I was pulling a ferris bueler.

Some days you go into work sick but are rewarded with a cake day of 1 person drops, a long lunch break and a quick coffee on the way home. You might even pass a train that you can hop and head home early to get that test you foolishly turned down earlier.

Then some

Days you show up and you immediately look for a bus to jump in front of, or a crate to pull over upon yourself because either of those options are better than your reality.

Guess which type of day today was?

Go ahead, guess.

I got time.

I don't need to spend a lot of time on the negative here.
Suffice it to say that the beginning of the day was not fun but, you know, it's weird because it actually was kind of fun. Something about feeling so sick, and having to do this crappy job first thing on arrival, and knowing that I had a full day of driving ahead of me... There is something kind of fun about it, knowing you're in the shit.
I don't know, maybe it is just me looking for a silver lining.

Anyways, today turned around.
We had a courier, one of my favorites.
He is a Father as well, two boys, just like me!
His children are all grown up though, one has a real career and the other is finishing college.
He told me I am doing a good job.
He said I am modeling for my boys very well.
He has a Father's intuition apparently.

And all day we drove around kind of joking, doing our jobs, eating pizza and talking about life.
It was a very pleasant day, despite the traffic and my illness and the length of the day.

On the train ride home I smiled and thought about how nice it all was.
What a nice man I worked with.
How I wished I could meet his sons and tell them how much I enjoyed their fathers company.
He had shown me a picture of them when they were little boys and then he showed me a picture of them as grown men.
It was heart breaking and beautiful.
I could see in their eyes that they had a good father.
They had good lives.
They were lucky.

Brother Jim

2016-01-05T17:54:00.002-08:00

Now is when the dark times start.

I say this with the hopes that most of the dark times will blow over

while I am busy chasing my children, maintaining and nourishing my relationship,

painting my heart out and driving a truck

through the city streets.

But during all of those things,

behind it all will be the wall of clouds.

A wall of gray.

The other night, before I was to go home to Wisconsin.

Before I had to go and hold my people while we all shook with grief

Burger's tooth was loose.

a front one.

a big deal.

I loosened it for a while, and so did he.

He chomped on an apple and I listened for the sound a loose tooth makes

when it is ready to be set free.

But dude was nervous, he kept saying it wasn't ready.

-Look, that tooth IS ready and it needs to get out of your head before i leave for my trip.

...okay...

-Would it make you feel better if you pulled on it instead?

...yes...

And so he pulled and twisted and suddenly there was his tooth

tiny and square in my palm.

He smiled a bloody smile and we all cheered and he beamed with courage and pride.

Being a parent, your life is full of firsts. I am not saying that your life isn't full of firsts

without being a parent, but maybe I just pay attention to them more now that things seem a bit more important than they did when I only had to worry about myself.

There are so many firsts.

Watching the video memorial for Jim, there were so many pictures of him before we became friends.

They were all firsts for me.

Jim running a race, Jim with a basketball, Jim in the deep Wisconsin Snows I remember.

As a father these all hit home and made sense to me.

I know that I have those same photos of my own children.

They never ran a race, but you know what I mean.

It's the idea of capturing the moment

because you know that it is fleeting.

Soon they are on to the next thing.

Don't miss it.

They are running the race

They are playing a guitar

They are growing their hair

They are smiling at you

They are moving away

Jim got sick in a summer and he passed in a winter.

I didn't get to properly say goodbye.

I didn't get to hold his hand.

If I had been there, he probably
would have laughed at me and told me to get home.

-Dude! Think of all the firsts you're missing!

New Paintings

2015-11-30T18:02:00.001-08:00

This is what I can say about being a parent, or a dad, whatever you want to call it.

FUCKING CHERISH EVERY SECOND.

The number one thing I would tell anyone who is about to have a baby?

My advice?

Forget yourself, release your ego, watch it run off into the unknown freedoms that you will never know again because that shit doesn't matter.

There is only the child.

You are unimportant.

This is what I would say to anyone that would ask my advice.

Because this is how I live my life, and this is how I feel I survive.

This is how I feel I succeed.

This may sound dire, or fatalistic.

This may sound like I know how to use fatalistic in a sentence.

But trust me, you need to let go of yourself to succeed in being a parent.

And in doing so, in letting go, you rediscover who you are and most importantly,

who you want to be.

BOOM!

Twist ending!!

Through children there is rebirth.

There needs to be because look at the world we are leaving for them.

Climate change.

Suicide bombings.

Extinction.

War.

Always war.

If we can't help our children right our wrongs, then we deserve to go away.

If we can't be in the moment with a child, then we have lost something vital.

So be the parent you always wanted.

Be the role model you always needed.

And go forward being the best person you can be.

Because that is all one can do.

Really.

I love you guys and I hope you can come see my new paintings in December.

I am doing what I can.

lovematewh

The Tin Rabbit

2015-09-26T03:39:00.003-07:00

I want to grab the little hands and run.

Through storm clouds breaking open and soaking our clothes

with big wet leaves slapping us in the face

while kicking up slippery mud.

During the last few moments of summer there is no control.

Now I wake up with a headache.

Grinding my teeth maybe?

Too many oysters?

It's a dull throb in the temples and the Mookie is chewing on my arm.

I get up and make coffee because everyone else is still asleep and I might as well

straighten some things out.

It's still dark and that is good.

Hopefully it will by me some time.

There are so many things to be thankful for in this life.

breaks

2015-09-08T19:04:00.001-07:00

Tonight I heard a true, genuine laugh from my oldest son.

He made me laugh and then he got his own joke and started laughing.

It was pure and relieving and just a really good moment.

It is second grade tomorrow.

He got his hair cut and he is so handsome.

I feel like this summer, with all of it's

schedules and adjustments

was a turning point.

I will have to think on that a bit more to flesh it out.

Put a pin in that.

I was going to have a beer but then I settled

on a chocolate chip cookie.

No regrets there.

Big day tomorrow.

Big days ahead.

Love you guys.

Early Morning Sesh

2015-07-25T13:51:00.001-07:00

It's a real nice cast of characters around here.

Great colors abound

Radioactive Tech

2015-07-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about going to the bathroom today

and then there was a knock on the door,

"Dad are you in there?"

-"Yes."

"Oh good... Because my Technology is complete."

-"You made some Technology?"

"Yes, and it is finally finished. Can I show you? I won't open the door."

Before I can answer the door cracks and the Technology is revealed.

-"Wow, what is this?"

"It is a radioactive flashlight."

...

"Because it is a radio and also a flashlight."

Then later this happened.

The boy is going places.

Details Of The Whole

2015-07-19T08:58:00.000-07:00

This is a LINK to an article.

You can read it.

I am pretty happy about it.

I mean I have been working towards something.

This article is part of that something.

Part of a whole thing.

I am proud, so sue me.

Walkabout

2015-06-28T07:54:00.000-07:00

Something I do to keep myself in check is to before I do something I ask myself if that thing I'm doing is something I would want my children doing and if the answer is No then I stop doing that thing.

Or things.

It is very easy to want to be on top of things. But sometimes you just can't be and its not always easy to give yourself a break and relax for a minute.

It's important, not easy.

But it gets easy if you practice.

It's good sometimes to walk away from something to gain some perspective.

Even if it's only for a minute.

Sometimes you walk back into a different situation than you remember.

Fun!!

Miss you guys.

lovemathew

Don't fall prey

2015-06-06T12:52:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things that try to bring you down.

Just don't let them do that.

When they try.

Psssst!!

2015-06-06T12:46:00.000-07:00

I envy their knees so much.

Mine are creaky and sore most of the time.

It doesn't stop me from using them.

But I feel it when I do.

Those two up there?

They got no worries in the world.

At least concerning their knees.

Oh wait...

I forgot about this one.

That's a pretty goodly used knee.

But still of no concern to the owner.

lovemathew

Work it out.

2015-06-05T13:20:00.004-07:00

Someone said Earth is dying

Someone else said it was more like

Earth was just thinning is out.

The thing about other species that are facing extinction is that they lack the ability to destroy on a massive scale like humans do.

Right?

Treasure.

2015-06-03T19:14:00.002-07:00

There are currently two little boys on this planet that have me for a Father.

That is a fact.

I am at my best when I am in the moment.

These guys help me get there.

So I will buy them all the watermelon they can eat.

And I will kiss their eyes.

Blanks

2015-05-31T06:01:00.002-07:00

Stay focused and keep your eyes open.

Don't miss a thing

And breathe.

Warming Up.

2015-05-31T05:59:00.000-07:00

Cash Machine.

Fruit Machine.

I'm gonna need more cash, to buy some more fruit.

It is a never ending cycle.

They eat all my fruit.

Got to love it.

It's the law.

Facts Of Life

2015-05-14T18:56:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to say these things

I don’t know if they help.

I don’t know if it’s okay to be scared.

But having a family can be scary,

it can be draining to not only love people

but accept people and believe in people and work with people

that is just interpersonal skills really

but when you pile that on top of life (which is already pretty consuming)

Things like work and aspirations and other responsibilities…

Well that starts to get heavy.

It is really fun though.
What could I be doing that is better than this?

The only thing that would make this better is if
I was typing from a houseboat.
On an actual river.

Good night.
I love you.