Blood Sugar

Hopeful

2020-12-04T00:50:00.001+08:00

It woke me up with the silly feeling that I will be seeing you again soon. Forgive me for using the word ‘silly’ because I don’t have any logical means to make it happen without putting you to a ton of pains.

How long has it been now? I hope you have not been counting, because I haven't. If time lost is time I owe you-- I will forever be indebted. Let me pay you in love when we meet again. Though I can never pay you enough, I promise, I’ll pay you as immensely as possible.

I’ll also pay you by not hurting the people you love and by waiting for the right time.

When we meet again, you can charge me for all my shortcomings. I’ll pay you with my two ears so that I can listen to things you’ve been wanting to tell me. I’ll pay you with my two arms ready to embrace you.

When we meet again, I’ll pay you with all the remaining time of my life. And I'll keep paying you until my heart beats its last.

When you see me and you burst into tears, please hide your face on my chest because I can’t bear to see you hurt. If you’re angry with me and ask me why I was absentee, can I just keep it in me and ask you to forgive me?

If seeing you again doesn’t happen in my lifetime, I’ll make sure I’ll watch over you everyday from wherever I will be.

I love you, Sofia.

Little Big

2017-07-21T09:45:00.000+08:00

When I grow up I want to be a little boy.

THAT CHILD

2017-07-21T04:09:00.004+08:00

I dedicate this book to that one precious reason I need to live— my Sofia Clare Gabrielle.

WARNING: This is a children’s book for sensible adults.

Surprises bring out that child in me. The feeling of being innocent of what to happen draws excitement and challenges the faith that I have.

Deep in my heart, this book is never a thing I thought I can make because with all my limitations I understand that I really cannot come up with this one. I can only play with words. To animate the message so as to touch the hearts of the readers will always be beyond my knack.

This piece I will never claim mine alone because I am only a small fragment of the stories you are about to read.

I give everything back to Him who has blessed me with fellows whom I love and love me; who hated me and then forgave me; whom I forgave and now learns to return forgiveness. This is also for you who have left a piece of yourselves in me.

Remember that we and that child in each of us are the real authors of this. To get into the core of what I mean and before you start to read allow that child in you to play and enjoy, get scared and ask for help, turn naked and accept that there is too little that we know.

May we all find that child in us and that child may find us

My Star

2017-07-20T02:03:00.002+08:00

CRYPTIC

2017-06-01T01:23:00.002+08:00

Yes, you don't know.

Minuto

2017-04-12T04:19:00.001+08:00

Hi, Babylove.

In a few days from now you’ll be 5 years old. I don’t know if you are now able to read and understand messages such as this. I don’t know and that’s my fault. I know where to go to personally see how you are doing. I’m sorry If I choose to keep things this way--because this is the best way that I can love you for now.

This way you have peace of mind. This way you are out of trouble. This way you don’t have to choose. This way the only wrong is me—none about you nor with the rest of the people you love.

It has never been this saddest. This sadness cannot be compared to any degree of emptiness, loss and pain. But I have to take this and believe in God.

Heaven knows I’ll trade the remainder of my life today just to see you in a minute that doesn’t cause you confusion and pain. Although apparently things are not yet ok, everything is being re-aligned by God. Slowly yet lovingly everything’s gonna be alright. Someday, I’m going to see and hug you tight and tell you with all of my heart:

It's all worth it, anak.

This too shall pass

2016-10-17T02:49:00.001+08:00

I don’t say, “I’m glad it happened”. Neither will I ever say it in any future time.

But it ought to happen.

Reasons? So many. One is—so that I can rise for His glory.

And that is the process I am presently striving for. I’m no longer counting the months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds, milliseconds… The process is undeniably painful but it’s worth every bit of stab, bite, punch, kick, strike, sting or whatever equivalent agony it can be.

One very close cousin and a Franciscan Friar individually told me, “You are gonna write your story. It’s not gonna end today. You are just going to close this chapter and open a new one. And the book will inspire many because the story is going to be beautiful”

These past 8 months (oops, I did count, anyway) have been the longest 8 months of my life. It is in this facet of my struggles that I’ve found and re-discovered people who had helped me fight the battle. And I am winning. No, not in the legal way because nothing in that aspect needs to be fought for. No one wins in that scheme, anyway. I am winning myself back.

It ought to happen so that I can rediscover people and myself.

In an extreme situation such as I had, I discovered that person in many figures in me. The father, the son, the brother, the cousin, the nephew, the friend, the leader. I also realized how much love can do. No credits to me. What I meant is the love from these different circles that envelop me: family and friends.

It ought to happen so that I can love more.

First months were… hmmm, what’s the word? Ah, ok. HELL.

It was hell. But I got thru it. I did not see it coming. A marksman shot me like a deer in an open field. I had no shield. I hit the ground face first. But I’m now standing head up high—not necessarily unscathed—bearing the lessons of this experience. I don't know but this event drew me to believe in love all the more.

Ok, it already happened but this too shall pass.

credits: http://www.deseretnews.com/top/802/9/This-too-shall-pass-9-misquoted-Bible-phrases.html

Happy Birthday, Sofia Clare Gabrielle!

2016-04-19T09:35:00.004+08:00

Trust

2016-02-16T01:47:00.001+08:00

Yes, it's fragile. The debris can cut. Mend it or throw it away.

Bright Side

2015-12-07T15:05:00.004+08:00

I still wake up without belief that my mom is gone. It's the wrong side of the bed again.

One time my 3 year old daughter caught me in the bedroom keeping my emotions. I was sure that as tender as her mind is, no matter how I tell her, she will not grasp what I was going through.

Alright, I told her nothing.

"Tatay, you are crying and I know why. You missed my Lola, didn't you? my daughter said while trying to reach both my back and eyes. She wiped my tears with her hands. She rubbed and patted my back. That instance, a 3 year old daughter was stronger than her 35 year old dad ;)

'know what 'tay? I cried too whenever I missed you and nanay. Sometimes whenever you leave me for work I really get sad.

Don't worry Tatay. You have me here. Then she hugged me tight that I felt two people were embracing me.

Then she re-assured me, "I'll always take care of you"

His Time, His Way, His Reason

2015-11-20T10:10:00.002+08:00

His Time, His Way, His Reason

Don’t Give Up On Irreconcilable Differences BY JOY T MENDOZA

2015-06-18T18:13:00.000+08:00

DUE CREDIT: Don’t Give Up On Irreconcilable Differences

Husband & Wife

2015-06-06T11:50:00.003+08:00

Being a good husband is not mine to credit. It is always acclaimed to the wife being good. ~my personal interpretation to Sir Bert Hautea-Simpas's answer "it depends on who your wife will be" to my question "will I make a good husband?"

Santa Claus

2015-03-31T23:29:00.003+08:00

(found in my journal last Christmas)

During our puerile years me and my sister were not introduced to Santa Claus and vice versa.

As a result, we conceived our own Santa Claus as we aged. She is that wonderful person who always unhesitantly gave her best to make me and my sister at our happiest. And yes, it never stopped even until we, her children, got married. No socks dangled on our wall were ever filled with gifts. But our hearts were satisfied with all unconditional love that resentment has no more room to fill in. We were raised to take pride on the things that cannot be taken away from us-- our principles, the truth, our character.

I am sure she is happy to have finally seen her Creator. She is now in eternal rest and joy while rubbing elbows with the saints with whom she always pleaded intercessions while on earth.

For now, I would write to that one and only Santa we have had. No socks, I promise. Because most have worn out while others are still in the laundry.

I’ll hang just the same heart that she has untiringly filled with love.

Dear Santa Mom,

I hate to break this news to you. I am sad. Since you left I have always been thinking of our mother-son reunion. I am trying very hard to get to where you are when my own time comes. Heaven is quite an impossible goal to get a hold. With all my shortcomings and misjudgments I have the best shot for some period in purgatory. Don’t worry I’ll do my best every minute of the day to seal a place in Heaven. That means you need to help me.

You know the problems we have been facing then? Well they’re still here blocking us from the bright dreams we used to talk about for your beloved grandchildren.

Some trials never seemed to finish. I believe that there is something you can vitally do. Please tell these to God. When He took you back from us, I felt I lost a backbone—the one that has been keeping me straight and standing.

I missed you very much.

I love you, Ima and Merry Christmas.

You know my Christmas wish :)

Love,

Bunso

40 DAYS

2014-07-21T21:47:00.005+08:00

It will never be the same again.

IMAGINE A SUPER STORM’S FRESH VESTIGE-- TORN PARTICLES, SCATTERED DEBRIS AND DIRT, AND A SCENE OF HOPELESSNESS.

THAT WAS MY HEART AND MY MIND THE VERY MOMENT OUR MOTHER BREATHED HER LAST.

I was bargaining during the days when my mother was in the ICU. I would, without exemptions, trade anything. I dropped other prayers so as to focus on one so significant for the moment. I was praying for my mom to live and to be well again. God heard me. I'm sure He did. There's no way He would have not seen and heard me beg because synchronized with my breathing I bombarded Heaven with that single prayer.

I felt He uncaringly dropped my petition. I HOPED He would reconsider. But as days dragged me along, I saw and heard no signs that my prayer was to be granted any sooner or later. Am I to be denied by a God who is said to be omnipotent and loving? Like a child to his father, I asked: why can’t You accord with me on something that You are completely capable of giving? That was me being tested in the boat out on the sea in the midst of the storm. As a result, together with the other "fishermen" I was graded Double F for frail faith.

I gravely doubted. Darkness and shallowness covered my heart at the surge of the storm. I had confirmed how little faith I have despite all the love God poured upon thru the years. I questioned God; his love, his compassion, his generosity, his justice and his power. I insulted God. Was He doing a lottery-sort of salvation? He cured some not so good hearted; some who may be really bad. But ignored my mother. He did not know who He had allowed to suffer in the hospital and in the end let to die. Heaven lost my mother’s data to account for her goodness.

Call it insolent provocation. I did not care.

The incompetent doctors in the emergency room. The unethical nurses. The arrogant pharmacy staffs, the ill-educated ICU guard. They were in my list. They should follow as soon as my mom leaves us. And I would make it happen at all cost. They were, to me, an accessory to my mother's death. I promised I would kill them. Or if I fail I’ll kill myself. There were no rational plans going on in my mind.

Yes, I have faltered. But by God’s initiative I stood up. His grace is indeed amazing.

All the good things that come are not due to my sole and initial effort. God always takes the first step and gives a helping hand. He has always been initiating the love.

GOD knows best. In all angles known, unknown, imagined and unimagined. He knows it best even at the times when He takes back the best that He gave us. We may misunderstand His mysterious plans. But He is faithful in His love. He knows the best time to give and to recall.

He knew that my sister and I needed a mother. He gave us one. And He knew exactly the name, the face, the smell, the tone of voice, the character of the mother whom we needed. He sealed it. We really loved whom He gave us!

It’s extra sweet, right? When somebody takes effort to know what you want and specially what you need and give it to you. What makes it ultra-special? It’s the KING of Kings doing that for you.

I intended to stay overnight in the office to work on some important pending jobs a few hours before we rushed my mom to the hospital. I was weak then and can no longer drive home. I was tired and chilling with fever. But God reminded me of a more important reason to stay home. Then He gave me extra quickness to finish my work, extra strength to drive home and extra time-- EXTRA SPECIAL TIME-- to talk to her for the last time.

My mom and I used to joke around to bet who would pass away first. We would arrive at counting who had the most number of hospital confinements, check ups, etc. My mom would end up appealing, “let that be me, anak please” She would explain that it’s more painful for a parent that a child dies ahead. I know no instance that I ever conceded to her request.

There is no circumstance, no great amount of money, nothing at all will make it the same again. But God is faithful and He has proven it innumerable times. And for His love to work on me He requires me to be trusting.

I could not ask for more. Ima is now in the protecting and loving arms of our Father. No more diabetes, emphysema, asthma, goiter, arthritis-- no more suffering and pain. No problems will ever distress her.

For more than 36 years God channeled His overflowing love to us thru our mother. Our Ima had been a magnanimous passage. Whatever God wanted to shower to us thru her she had justifiably given.

It’s not a mere chance that my sister’s son and my daughter had also the fortune to listen to the same lullabies that their grandma sang to us. Add the experience of sitting on the same comfy lap, tasting and eating the best hearty dishes… Oh, I’m sorry there’s just so much joy in memories that to enumerate them all is impossible. I cannot encompass in words and can never explain how great her love is.

God gave our children a little more than two years to experience my mother’s love. Two years? No, those were not just two years. Those were truly exceptionally and substantially love-filled two years worth cherishing in a lifetime.

Plus my sister’s and my lifetime. Because her love will continue thru us. It's our mother’s love which has been our greatest and most valuable inheritance. And we will make sure that her legacy continues to our children.

God's heart was there when you stayed late night with us in the hospital until the funeral. And when you prayed for us to make it thru the storm.

God's hands were there gently holding me and my family when you lovingly gripped us in your arms when we can't help but burst in sorrow.

God's voice we heard thru your good words; thru your prayers.

THANK YOU!

To the whole Gattuc Family!

David Family

Cortez Family

Lopez Family

OFM Conventuals Fraters

Caburnay Family

RANK Family

FedEx Family

Air 21 Family

Airspeed Family

Capitol Site Community

VDSR Community

To My Bapa Do who deserves a special mention for tirelessly embracing me with genuine words of consolation.

My seminary friends: Fr. Harold, Fr. Leo, Fr. Randy, Fr. Melvin, Fr. Lito. Thank you for loving my mother. Thank you for loving my family.

My Qatar friends: JC, Jon, Dennis, Andrew, Manny & Cef. Your gesture is the truest definition of thoughtfulness.

My GW Barkadas—too many to mention, but then again thank you very much.

Sir Bert and Ma’am Lina. May you live a long and healthy life for your loved ones. Thank you for that space in your heart that you’ve provided for my family .

Old and new friends who overwhelmed me with alleviating messages: Dennis, Archie, Dencio, Ardy, Roy, Ryan, Mercy, Juvy, Maricel, Mon, Krizia, Judith, Joanna, Bang, Kong Sandy, Marce, Gen, Erica, Karen, Allan, Leo, Jovet, Ailene, Bo, Kong Joie, Riber, Cards, Marilou, Atsing Chie, Maricris, Mart, Pitung, Jay Ar, Cecilia, Conrad, Alhiw, Jason, Atsing Aloha, Kuya Philip, Chad, Daphne, Mercy, Bapang Dante, John, Marc, ...

To all who I failed to include, may God bless your goodness a hundredfold!

Sofia Clare Gabrielle's Second

2014-04-20T10:59:00.002+08:00

A thought

2014-04-18T05:54:00.001+08:00

A Few Things…

Some things you cannot fix, even if you have tried countless times. May it be your self destructive boyfriend/girlfriend, a toxic friend, or horrible job. Some things are meant to be left broken, that way you can move forward to something better.

Bad things happen, but it can always be worse. In any disposition, there’s always something to be grateful for.

It’s hard, but you’ll survive, and in retrospect you will realize, “everything that has happened was worth it.”

#thoughts

Credits to : http://vagabondwithflowers.tumblr.com/post/83030752301/a-few-things?og=1&fb_action_ids=10202456870077018&fb_action_types=tumblr-feed%3Apost

Friday the 14th

2014-02-14T06:22:00.002+08:00

FRIDAY THE 14TH.

Scary title?

Oh no, slow it down. I’m just writing a love story again.

And so please slip in your prejudices over what course this another love story will end up. And imagine that this is the first love note I have ever written.

Well, this one you would not have to imagine: This is dedicated to the last woman who would’ve to own my heart—my wife.

As such, how about re-entitling it: FEBRUARY 14th— The Day of Hearts. Good now?

To the hopeless romantic out there who, just like me, had stumbled and fallen-- lend me a chance to prove that I have stood up and made up with whatever I came short of. There were times when my balls stretched back and hid inside my anus. But those were my embarrassing days. I was really sorry. I learned huge lessons.

Therefore, friends, with due respect and out of love for my wife, let’s begin the story without reference to any of my past accounts.

Downgrade your expectations. This isn’t the kind of literary that is qualified for Pulitzer and Nobel Prizes. Nevertheless, it’s one piece of legacy that I know I can pass on to my children.

The twits.

About three years ago.

I had a heavy baggage. She had one, too. We met at one point in time when loving again was simply not opportune. But we pushed the set-up with our individual motivation that perhaps we could cure each others’ woundedness.

Concerned friends were telling us to get out of the fast lane, pull it over and think again. But we were enchanted by the chances of instantly mending ourselves from our past. It was a little too late when we woke up from our fantasy—a make believe fairy tale. We were old enough, how come we didn’t see that trick swinging?

Since we forced the relationship to work out, the subsequent scenes were spiteful and messy. We were throwing curses to each other. Hurtful words were our means to start and end any conversation.

Finally after all the twits and bitter words, there was one thing we both agreed with. We needed to end the ‘us’.

The twist.

We discovered she got pregnant.

Oh well, look at how Heaven intervenes when something ought to be accomplished. We needed not an army of angels to end the war. There’s just one.

With little words, we acceded that this is a gift and responsibility we must accept and deal with together.

The twister.

We got married!

‘thought all’s well. But storms surged; twisters distressed our married life. Did we force it again?

I took a second job as a call center agent while working as a manager in a shipping outlet. I needed to earn big because something great had to be prepared for. For three months the longest nap I have had was 2 hours.

Until, my health took its toll on me. I was almost bedridden during the time when my wife was pregnant. Instead of me nursing her it was the other way. I was taking meds, attending therapies, travelling to different hospitals via ambulance, having lab tests and scans—without providing. The sole business that my family owned was collapsing too.

The wife that she promised to be, she unquestionably exceeded. The husband was a patient for a year.

My wife provided for her own pregnancy and for my medication.

With all those in her shoulder, she still had time and strength to take care of me, not to mention my temper which was all haywire.

The twig.

We are still under financial debts caused by my illness and our business's closure. But we are taking one step at a time.

Like a twig in a tree, we are doing it slowly now not only because doing it swiftly is dangerous. But because, there’s a lot that we need to catch up from our “hurried” days.

We need to slow it down, it’s the best way that we can learn and appreciate the beauty of growth.

FEBRUARY 14th— The Day of Hearts.

God is good.

2012-09-05T21:18:00.002+08:00

For all the good things; and for all the things in which the good in them I haven't seen yet, thank you Lord.

Blessings in Disguise

2012-09-01T13:23:00.001+08:00

I am blessed.

And for my great God I dedicate to write this one.

That was Monday noon. The sky was grey as covered by a blanket of heavy nimbus clouds ready anytime to burst. We were having a good time—me and my friends. It’s a housewarming I attended. And as usual I came punctually with the basis that they had not yet started the ritual until I arrived.

Ok, I was late but by an excuse. And though not thoroughly announced, I appreciated them for waiting. They have been very tolerant with me in many ways.

It’s a good feeling surrounded by friends regardless of the weather; regardless of the timing.

When I was young I would dream as if life would never end. I knew I can encompass infinity. My lifetime then was not time bound. Now, I am in my mid-life and have been hit by a really heart wrenching ailment. Life is short, I realized.

Let me tell you.

I’ve owed my past—thru pain and injury I inflicted to my fellows and myself. And now at a reflective angle—I am paying my debt. I don’t have any excuse to grumble. Bright side is, I am paying. Not everyone who is in debt is able to recompense. It’s a lesson I have to take; and consequences I ought to bear.

I am a product of many chances. Count my many failures and mistakes and figure out why I am still on a tight grip with hope. Ultimately it's because my God loves me. And He has blessed me with a circle of forgiving family and friends.

I can remember when I was still able to enjoy the luxury of easily standing up, sitting down, lying down, bending, walking, running, jumping, and laughing out loud until they were robbed from me. Oh, here I go again with my scapegoat which is as lame as I am. No they weren’t robbed. That’s so accusing, I’m sorry. Most of you know I took my health for granted. And it has just taken its toll on me. From a hyperactive guy; down to an almost bedridden patient. From 80+ kilos down to just 60. That’s good news for someone who intentionally wishes to rid out excess weight. But for me I felt that each gram that I lose equals to a unit of fervor in life that goes away.

I sought for help. 12 doctors. 5 hospitals. 3 priests. 4 quack doctors. 20 health-related websites now bookmarked in my browser. And some really close friends.

It’s a series of events fractionally coming in. In random order, trials occurred. I lost my second job. My savings thinned until to nothing. Right foot resisted to walk. Lower back stiffed and couldn’t bend. My protégées I ceased to assist. No more TV in the dining area. Minus one refrigerator in the kitchen. Unpaid bills. And I had a strong feeling it’s not over yet.

The little money I spared was gone. The only business I rely on was on the verge of getting seriously ill too. With such anxiety—I considered giving up. I was so close to isolating myself from the public’s eyes. I was ashamed— and why wouldn’t I be? I had been giving advices on how to achieve a good life. Many believed in me. Yet, look at me now. I failed them. I embarrassed myself.

Time passed by—what happened?

It helped me. Fear led me to fuse a prayer with every breath that I take in and out.

More worries. More prayers. Until I became more aware of the blessings which I previously left unnoticed. Now I need not more worries to pray. I just needed more awareness so as not to solely plead but more so, to pray with sense of gratitude. He has purified me. And He continues to do so.

Look at me now. And look at things this way.

Things have been rough and tough. But in paradox everything that transpired is good. True friends emerged. And I am so glad that there are so many of them. It’s all part of his loving yet mysterious plan. As Rev. Fr. Harold beautifully puts it in one of his facebook posts: “we can only be ourselves” During these trying times, I discovered myself—the trusting one. And I am confident I cannot be less than that. Human nature, I was afraid and shaken but I would always try to rise up. Again I cannot be less than that.

I am touched whenever I receive messages from people that I am ensured with a prayer from them. I borrowed money from five friends. Five out of five lent (and pledged to lend) me. I did not tell them that they made a tough and risky move to have trusted me during this time. (and I bet they’ve read this line twice. Hohoho!)

Ok let's say that not all things and people had been good. But you don’t need in depth proficiency in Mathematics in order to know that there are more good people than not. And you don’t need to see to believe that they are just blessings in disguise.

By the way, our business center has relocated to a bigger and better place. Renamed after its roots.

Still a TV in the bedroom. (A more compact space for a family to bond.)

I have Sofia and Kristine. (Ah, heaven!)

Old friends remained. (Because I can't afford to lose anyone.)

New friends acquired. (Good news!)

Family closely knitted. (Everyday dream come true)

Hope enflamed.

This period of trials is enlightening. I may lose my two feet and yes even my entire mobility and still live a full life... but no... not my faith in God.

That's Why I Pray

2012-04-08T23:52:00.002+08:00

How could you not love to pray if you get to talk as long as you want and listen to a relieving silence filled with hope?

Paulo Preso

2012-04-03T16:35:00.001+08:00

Happy Birthday, Ima.

2011-11-13T00:24:00.001+08:00

Dear God,

Thanks for giving us a Mom. And much more thanks because you knew precisely the one Ate Ann and I would need!

We pray for her good health; that she gets to have many grandkids; longer afternoon naps; her guava tree to bear more fruits; upgraded cellphone; more friends in facebook; her pet dogs, cats and fish to stay healthy and loving; a kitchen-showcase; and that she gets to meet and greet Kris Aquino in person.

very Happy 62nd birthday

And most importantly, we pray for her happiness etched to her soul; and to which make my ate and I Your direct channels.

Lots of love,

Norman

In this greeting... Happy Birthday!

2011-09-21T22:23:00.000+08:00

34th Happy Birthday :) September 14, 2011

it's all in this greeting.. the i-love-you, the i-am-sorry, the thank-you, the i-wish-for-you..., the take-care, the sweet hugs and kisses....
From your family and friends :)

Road trip back to yore

2011-09-10T01:35:00.000+08:00

While all else are over-speeding thinking of their future; here I am committing counter-flow. It’s dangerous I know. But I have to get back there.

In this life that projects cyclical and sometimes cynical events I had picked a few scenes and wished they recur today to suffice my simple fancy.

Will a particular yesterday come again? If it won’t perhaps, I can.

I was once among those who were speeding on the highway of life. The only angle I knew was that narrow breadth between my left and right side mirrors. The road was my only horizon. I never yielded. All I knew was that—I was fast therefore; I was great. To me, slowing down was never an option.

Now, I’m going back even though I might bump head-on to somebody else’s principles.

If ever I would-- let me pay its price.

TO BE CONTINUED...