Words from my heart

Among the pain, the stress and the permission

2015-01-10T23:10:00.000+08:00

My neck is killing me right now. And usually when it start to aching it is because my BP is increasing.

Is it life threatening? Seems no one care, even though I said I was in pain.

------------------------

Added insult to injury, it has been a stressful week to start 2015.

Could be worse. But I try to coupe with it.

Is it life threatening? Seems no one care, even though I said I was in lots of stress.

-------------------

And I realize now, that in my life, I will always need to ask for permission.

"Mom, can I go to school camping with my friend?"

"NO" - that answer still echoing in my head, every time I asking a permission.

NO. - You cant cause I say so.

NO. - Do you have money?

NO. - There is more important thing than that.

NO. - Can you come up with the reason?

NO. - I didnt care.

NO. - Why I should give that permission.

NO. - Dont look at that, later you wish to have it

It pushing me deeper into my own darkness of conscious. The light seems getting smaller and far away. Crying did help, but no one will bother, I am all alone.

The explanation is not simple.

Some says "Its complicated". Well yeah, for a reason.

You know, when I had something that bothers my mind, I tend to wrote it out. Why? because there is no one gonna listen to me.

No ONE.

I may think Im important, but I realize I am NOT. They only find me when they need something. When I need something, seems no one even bother about it.

Im confused, should I pretend just to please my significant other? but pretending will not solve the issue, it just make my heart hurt much more.

I cant shake this depressed feeling. and again, is it life threatening? Seems no one care, as no one ever try to listen to me. I dont know where to turn to. Just hope the quietness of cyberspace can help me calm the emotional storm inside my heart a bit.

September, october and november

2012-10-05T23:25:00.000+08:00

Time flies really fast. Really. I just realize that almost a year I got married. Soon in november its gonna be our first anniversary, yay!

Before that, one month back is september, my birthday month. Im not sure why, but in september Im feeling I got a lot of gifts, from myself or from my wife hehehe.

I manage to assemble Gundam Age-1, Age-2 and Age-3 in september

Coming october, a lot of project coming in as my company now started to expand its software development capabilities. So Im gonna be one of the senior member in the development team, ohohohoho

And soon november, my wedding anniversary and what is more better than taking my lovely wife for a second honeymoon, maybe outside malaysia this time? hehehehe

I know maybe not many people read my blog, but hey, its my blog and I gonna write whatever that crossed my mind, till next post then...

So near yet so far

2012-08-23T22:03:00.001+08:00

A dream. Everyone has a dream. The only problem with the dream is it giving out some sense of hope that someday we will achieve that dream. This hope must come with the will and work towards realizing the dream. Not like Im complaining for working towards achieving the dream but the truth is, this dream is getting nearer to become just a dream. Mission Impossible?

Well some says that everything is achievable if we work hard for it. In this era where that everything move so fast, people become impatient and most of them searching the shortcut to realizing the dream. In the end this shortcut make them ended in the long years of loan repayment, trapped in the loop where I loan somewhere else to pay other loan, and worse gotten into financial crisis where ended up by court declaring your bankruptcy.

Dream you may, but be prepare to work hard for it and be patience. The urges to go to the bank and apply for loan is unbearable sometimes, but when I think about it, I already have massive loan when graduated (thanks PTPTN) and need to repay it for many years to come. Then come the quest to make a living for my family, my wife, my future kids, they have needs such as good homes, food, transportation, clothes, internet, etc.

So many things comes to my mind, things that I wanted, that I wanted to buy, that I wanted to feel, that I wanted to enjoy, may just ended up just the things that bother up my mind when it is not occupied with the family or work problem. At first I thought it can relax my mind a little bit and release some stress. Apparently not, it added stress for me as I cant have it.

With the rising cost of living to worry about, house prices going up like a rocket, things will be tough to the young adult like me to start a living. Well, nothing good comes easy and as tough as I look the road ahead, the journey must go on....

Me and the life as a G.A.M.E.R

2012-07-22T22:11:00.002+08:00

G.A.M.E.

In what context by I mean for G.A.M.E? Since Im a little kid, I always fascinated by the computer games. Correct, what I mean is for computer games. It is the passion that fuel my interest to further my study in field of computer science. I never forget the thrill when I got to play Prince of Persia on my dad IBM PC at his office. Not to mention Doom and also Castle of Wolfenstein.

I still remember begging my parents to buy super nintendo or sega genesis. But nope, never got one. Until my older brother bought one catridge console games when I was at standard 5 if not mistaken. Its not super nintendo or sega genesis, but a chinese knockoff of sega genesis look a like. See below pic:

ya I know, it can play nintendo and sega games. cool right?

At first, our parents didnt notice my older brother bought this game. So we play only when our parents go out to market or some kenduri. Sneaking to play the game. How nice. Some games still fresh in my mind, Batman game, some weird japanese ice hockey game and most memorable, chip n dale: rescue rangers.

Throw the box chip! kill that honey bee!

Beside Contra, (which is we cheat for 30 lives for it) this is the game that we manage to beat until the final boss. Imagine that time there is no save function, so we need to play through all the way from start to final level. It took one whole day for me and my brother to reach the final level. Sweet glorious moment when we manage to beat the final boss.

As the result of this continous gaming, the humble made in malaysia, PENSONIC tv doesnt last long. It broke twice until the final time my parents forbid the game console altogether. It is a sad moment.
From that moment, I told to myself, when I grown up, I gonna get all the games for me to play.

My first home PC

In the middle of 1999, my father been transfered to Sabah. At that time, Im studying at Form 2. As of 1999, mostly people will remember Half-life, which has been released in 1998.

The legendary, Half-Life.

I saw this game for the first time at the cyber cafe (cyber cafe are everywhere in the 90s) and immediately hooked on it. But it is not the only game that Im interested in. Another one is the new installment of Command & Conquer, Tiberian Sun.

See that? how cools was that in 1999.

Protect the MCV! arrrrrrr

Im starting to go to cyber cafe frequently and my parents grow worried. At the rate of RM2.50 per hour that time (Im getting RM1 per day pocket money) I save the whole week pocket money just to play this games for 2 hours.

The glory playing network skirmishes with my brother is epic. Not to mention can play with others who also play the same game at the cyber cafe. Deploying the MCV (Mobile Construction Vehicle) and start building the base. Prepare the base defenses and also the offense team to attack other player base. Its really capture my imagination as a young teenager. Sometimes Im having a dream become one of the soldier on the Tiberian Sun battlefield (gosh, its a nightmare actually).

Then at one usual saturday, my parents ask me to accompany them to centrepoint sabah shopping complex. I ask why? its weird actually. Then my mom said, "We gonna buy computer so no need to go cyber cafe anymore." How I gonna describe this, the joy and the happiness when the magic keyword "computer" come out from my parents mouth. Wheeee~

So we go to the Galaxy Computer System computer shop and bought a decently moderate PC. Here are the specs (as I remember):

Intel Celeron 533Mhz
64MB RAM
40GB HDD
S3 Savage 3D graphic card
Dial-up modem card
CD-ROM
Mini tower case
Keyboard and mouse
Speaker
15inch CRT monitor

All of this costs around RM1899. Its powerful enough to run Half-Life and Tiberian Sun, so Im happy enough. While my sister is happy cause finally got internet connection at home. This PC has a very long history. It will go hand in hand to me until I finish my SPM studies. It under go number of upgrades including:

RAM capacity upgrade to 128MB
Windows 98 to Windows ME to Windows XP.
Graphic card update to NVIDIA GeForce 256 32MB VRAM.

All hail the mighty geForce 256 XD

At first the 3D games are not capable to be play on my PC. With the Geforce 256 (which costs my father RM450) I can play 3D games like Homeworld, Hitman: Codename 47, Half-Life in Direct 3D mode, not in software renderer.

This PC is then come with me when my father transferred back to Selangor after my SPM. I still remember I try to boot the PC and nothing appear on the screen. Im feel very devastated at that time. Its like an old buddy try to bid me farewell. Im not give up easily. I open the CPU case and try dust off the component inside. Maybe the some gotten loose as the result of long flights from sabah to selangor.

*Beep* single beep of joy when I press the on button and my PC booted normally. Hurray! My father only can smile when he see his teenage son now able to fix the PC by himself. He know that buying the PC Know How mag every month for me will benefit someday. But in 2002, my PC now is just an aging piece of machine. Cant even run the latest games at its best. That time, Pentium 4 and AMD Athlon 64 are a big huha in PC world. Well, what a student like me can do, and I know my father will not buy me new PC anytime soon.

How about game console?

After the SPM, as most of SPM school leavers, they had nothing to do for like 3 months. Most of them want to take some small job to earn some money and experience. I that time, I miss all the game console ever produce, including the Playstation. Only heard about it, never play it. After the SPM I determined to get a Playstation 2 which is the hottest game console at that time. I play Metal Gear Solid on PC before, so I excited when MGS 2 announce for PS2. Sadly, I dont have PS2. And Final Fantasy X coming to PS2 also. Gosh, Im eager to get one.

I got the bulky one at the left first. Later after broken down a few times, I bought the slim version.

So I told my parents I want to find a job. As usual they ask what for? I tell them that I want to buy PS2 (at that time it cost RM1800, yeah, its a lot of money). My parents forbid me to go outside to find work. Im disappointed. I really want to play those games. However, my disappointment were not last long when my parents decide to buy PS2 for me. Yeay! Again Im so happy beyond words. For 3 months, I just sit at home play PS2 games. Final Fantasy X I finish with all the unlock powers, MGS2, Silent Hill 2, all the best games that I can play in the duration of 3 months. Its one of the best moment of my life.

However my joy ended after 3 months later, SPM result was announced and I had to leave my beloved PS2 at home. As I further my studies in diploma, degree and master, I never miss play computer games. Its kind of stress reliever and motivator when Im studying. I usually try to finish all the assignments before I start play games.

Past, Present, and the Future...

Fast foward 20 years later, since I ever play the first computer games, Im still a gamers at heart. Although I dont have much time when I was younger to play the computer games. Not only time, but also a stamina to do long gaming session. Now I play for 3 hours straight and I got headache already. Need to rest in the interval. But as I said, I have not much time, although there is so many games to play :(

I just hope one day I can sit down, and play the games without anyone disturb me. But now, time is the luxury that I cant afford. Yes, I can have all the games in the world, but I dont have time to play them. Pretty sad....

Developer Diary: MSDN subscriptions

2012-07-14T00:32:00.003+08:00

This morning I arrive at the office and receive e-mail from MSDN that my company have register me as one of their professional developers and Im eligible for MSDN subscriptions. Hurray! I activate my subscription and to my surprise my company subscribe the Ultimate package for MSDN.

Comes complete with Windows Azure access and all 11 terabytes of Microsoft software with 10 keys for each product O_O

The best thing is, I can now test Visual Studio 2012 Release Candidate. Seems like it works well with Windows Azure. Go here to find out more: http://www.windowsazure.com/en-us/

For the purpose of awesomeness, I added the video link on creating the website in Windows Azure in just 3 minutes :D

Since its still new, I tinkering around with VS 2012 first right now. I also got a free online training package as part of subscription.

As promising as it looks, Im excited for the new knowledge ahead and cant wait to explore more on this. That's the computer world to me, new technology, new knowledge and new possibilities~

Developer Diary: End of project cycle

2012-07-07T23:40:00.001+08:00

After 2 months working on the development of the extension my company research platform for social media sharing, its finally deployed to production after relentless testing by my tester in Australia. Whee, she really caught every single detail (even the 1 pixel gap for facebook share button LOL)

"I think its fine now and we good to go" - my team leader - Anand, beeming with confidence. Im out of word how to describe the joy.

"Ok then, we will do the deployment tonight" - Australia side agree. It will be a silent launch as we deploy the new features to production. It should complement nicely with the Research services platform for Microsoft Office that has been released earlier.

"Thank you all as we end this project development cycle. Full report will be given once it will be launched to production" - last word from my team leader before we signed off. In my heart, I was so happy, yippie! maybe I can rest for one week or two before next project come.

Im going out of meeting room with a smile. Luckily no one sees me like that, if not they must think Im crazy, hahaha :D

Well, my smile not last long, maybe around 10 minutes LOL. Anand come to my desk and said;

"Next project meeting will start tomorrow"

"Erk?"

Moments later I learn that our company are a bit short handed as big projects coming in. Anyone have experience in .NET can send resume to me so can help me a bit here can? hehe.

Lately Im ventured through Android 4.0 apps development. Well, after few months learning, Google come out with the latest Android 4.1 JellyBean. Wheee~ well new features and updates are cool, but yeah, learning cycle start again.

Well, that's the challenge for the developer like me. As usual, its just a day at the office. At the end of the day, I will go home and re-think everything that I done. Not to mention coding in the dream (zzz..)

Until next post then.

Think: The "Idea"

2012-06-20T17:11:00.002+08:00

I once read a quote someone posted on facebook ( I didnt remember who said it):

Great people talk about IDEA
Average people talk about THINGS
Poor people talk about OTHER PEOPLE

It is rare people will talk or discuss about the idea. This so called "idea" usually appeared to us as something that need to be think about, and we usually lazy to think anything or rarely come out anything that associated with an "idea". Maybe that is why only great people talk about "idea" because from the "idea", it can grow to something fruitful that can even benefit the mankind.

How about average people? does it really true average people talk about things only? things that may produced as a product of someone else idea. Usually we are like that. We talk about cars, smartphone, gadgets which is, all of it is a product of someone else idea. Do you ever read a review on "idea" before? For me, nope, I never read one. But the review for things around us, A LOT. People criticising, commenting someone else product and rarely come out with the bright idea on how to improve it.

Lastly, poor people. The lowest one. Does that mean politician is poor people? because they talk about other people a lot, hahaha. Does that mean talk about other people is bad? Its not bad, but usually it will lead to something bad. Trust me, people will go down to the lowest level when talking about other people.

Something to ponder upon on the last hour at my office...

13th June - one year anniversary of progress

2012-06-15T20:40:00.001+08:00

I'm actually not good at remembering the date (hence the smartphone with reminder features is needed). But at this date last year (2011), I make a decision that is very important in my career progress.

As I landed my first job as a programmer since December 2010, The end of May 2011 marked the end of my 6 month contract with the A company. But there is no word or even official letter from A company HR to continue or terminate my contract. Fear of becoming jobless haunted me. I then again scour through the job market, ploughing through opportunities that I can take to progress my career further.

Unlike my first interview, I now have to take a leave or half day leave so I can go to interview. Although I kept it secret from my current employer.

B company - Global IT company

When I arrived at the B company buildings at cyberjaya, one word can describe it. its HUGE. And the security is quite tight. I have to wait for the B company HR come to fetch me and register as visitor. They put a visitor sticker at my clothes (yes, its a sticker). Then I noticed that the building are quite hot. Maybe no sufficient air conditioning or the design of the building that allow the sun light to go through.

The HR personnel escort me to interview room where I need to sit for the test for half an hour. So I sit and take the test while waiting for the interviewer to come. After around 40 minutes the interviewer come in and greet me. To my surprise, the interviewer is not Malaysian. There is two of them, one is Vietnamese and another one from India. The vietnamese interviewer english are a bit weird, having hard time to understand what he says. While the India interviewer seems not care too much about the interview (play with his phone, go in and out interview room).

Overall, the interview experience is quite so-so only. And also I see the workers cubicle very small. After a while, they did call me back for second interview, but at that time its already too late :D

C company - Local IT company

This one is a bit interesting. They call me for the test first. Expecting the not so technical test, I come with confidence (no studying at all, hahaha). But this time, there is other few people that come also to take the test. To be honest, it feels like a university final exam :P

And when the test question booklet been handed to me, I was shocked. Its a full fledged test with every aspect covered. Including the mental and IQ challenge. In the advert they ask for fresh grad or less than 1 year experience, but the questions is more like they looking for people with 10 years of experience.

In the end I knew that I flunked the test. As comforting reply, the HR says they will call us later if they want to revise. I take that as "You fail, now go home" LOL

D company - MNC Publishing company

As my luck seems running out with the IT company, I turn my focus to company that need someone that can help them maintain or develop small application to be used by their own company. I land an interview with D company which is at that time, just across the road where my gf (now my wife) are working. As for the first interview, they give me small test (just 3 questions) and interview with the manager. The manager are very friendly and knowledgeable, makes me very comfortable to reply any questions that been thrown to me.

After 2 weeks, they call me again for second interview. This time its the tele-conference interview with the managers in Australia. Its quite a nervous moment for me, but eventually, everything turned out just fine.

The offer that you cant refuse

No, no. Im not been offered a job by a mafia boss, hahaha. After a week where the D company interview past, D company HR call me an offer the job. The salary was almost 2 x higher than my current job. At that time, my contract with A company ended without any word whether they want to continue my contract or not. So I wrote a resigned letter to HR which I resigned immediately because basically Im free already :)

After a brief goodbye to A company which taught me so much for the first 6 months of my career journey, I report to D company on 13th June 2011. Since then, much has happen. Including what you can read in my previous posts.

My career journey will surely not end here. Im sure in the future, I may again change company, or maybe work as government servant. We will never know what future hold, but I believe that whatever and wherever you work, remember that you work to find keredhaan of Allah and the rezeki given to us for living and continue to pray to Him.

Until the next post then :)

I will remember it for the rest of my life

2012-06-04T00:12:00.000+08:00

Although I don't have many follower, (or reader), but I want to write something so it will be remembered and stored inside the cloud space of information on internet. I'm married for 6 month already, and everything so smooth until today. Despite the rocky start, I put my act together and I marching forward. However, there are some things that I would like to remember, especially the humiliation that comes from my own family member.

The divorce and the wedding

Did I mentioned before my parents getting divorced? Its now almost 2 years it happened and the court case still not settled.

And a midst of all the chaos, I planning to get married. Its like putting the salt into the wound. I just defy their logic. How on earth your parents getting a divorce but you planning to get married?

I don't care. The one who get the divorce is my parents. Why I should be dragged down with their problems. Their should know very well that the problem between them should be settled without involving or make the children take the side.

Instead, my mom make everyone to take side. To take side with her, and all the bad goes to my father. Pity for my brother and sister who don't have a chance or simply just be ignorant didn't want to hear my father side of story.

No one even care about my wedding actually. Except few of the relatives that really want this to happen (thank you mak usu lin and pak usu). In fact, Pak usu replace my father to meminang my wife in the engagement ceremony. He said, its ok, I should be strong, and he will be there until the end. And he did.

11 November 2011

It's Friday evening. The cloudy weather makes me worry a little bit. I look to my best friend, Syed Anwar who will be my best men in the wedding.

"Its gonna rain soon" he said.

"Hope everything will go well" he smile at me. That ease me a little bit. He also be at my side since the engagement until the very today.

In my mind there is a lot to think of. Not to mention the nervousness, its reach sky high level. When we arrived at the mosque, my leg is actually shaking. My heart is racing quite fast. Then mak uda and mak usu seems noticed about.

"Bertenang, jap lagi nak jadi suami orang", mak uda said to me. My mother is there but she stay silent. Mak usu wipe my off my sweat on the forehead.

Tok kadi then enter the mosque and take his place.

"Mana pengantin lelaki? mari duduk sini" - he called me to sit infront of him. I stand up and slowly walk. Then I sit in front of him.

After all arrived, he begin the ceremony. Although everything seems fine, my heart felt there is something that maybe can go wrong. Tok kadi did ask me about the khutbah that he just cite in front of me. Remarkably, or some how, I can answer those questions.

After that, ijab dan kabul start. I passed it on my first try. My wife smiles. I know she must feel relieved also.

Thanks to my best men on that day Syed Anwar who record this using his smart phone. Xperia rocks! (Sadly, my wife bought me samsung galaxy s2 hehehe)

It should by wonderful evening for the rest of my life. The cloudy weather seems reflected my feeling at that time. Although Im happy, my heart is unease. This uneasy feeling soon become true. What next to happen will make it the most memorable moment of my life.

11 November 2011 - The aftermath

Actually after the nikah, there is no plan for small kenduri or makan makan by keluarga pengantin perempuan. The kenduri will be on saturday, 12 November. But as a courtesy, my mother in law serve some kuih and tea for my family relatives that come.

Everything seems fine. Suddenly the cloudy weather turned. Rain start to pour down. My mother and my brother wait until the rain stops and then they get back to the rented homestay that I rented for them. Far that I know that trouble brewing.

As planned, I and my friend stay at my mother in law neighbour house. Suddenly my phone rang. I pick up the phone. (Please bear with me as I recall the conversation)

"Assalamualaikum, kenapa mama?" my mom call.

"Ko balik rumah homestay ni sekarang, mama nak cakap!" her tone sounds mad.

"Kenapa? tak bole keluar sebab kereta kena block. nak kena prepare utk majlis esok lagi"

"Kenapa mak mentua ko kasi kuih keras dgn air sirap paip? ko tau tak mama lapar, mama laparrr!!! mama tak makan lagi!!!" - I stunned.

"Bukan **** dah kasi afiq duit utk makan kan? dia tak bawa mama pergi makan ke?"

"Mama ingat ada kenduri lepas nikah, hidang la mee goreng ke, nasi goreng ke, ini kuih kerasss!!!"

"Kenduri esok la mama, petang tadi minum petang je, **** dah pesan afiq bawa mama pergi makan, kenapa dia tak buat?" - My tears start to fall down.

"Mama tak peduli, kau dtg sini skrg jugak!!!" *klak* *tooooot*

Only god knows what I feel that time. At the eve of my wedding, my mother do this to me. I dial up my father number....

"Hello" - my father pick up the phone.

"Abah.... **** dah tak tahu siapa nak mengadu..... " - I start crying. My manly tears shed on the night of my wedding. At the same time, rain start to pour down again. Thunder flashes in the night sky. I sit in front of the window. crying. I dont care. I know my friend is outside hearing me crying alone.

"Dah, jangan nangis, tak elok nangis, baru kahwin patut happy" - my father try to comforting me. The day before, he comes with his brother abah man and pak long to meet my soon to be mother in law.

"Jangan pedulikan mama tu sgt, aliq rehat, esok ada kenduri kan..." - my heart is aching. Although my father is not here, he still try the best to comfort me.

After calling my father, my friend step into the room.

"**** Ok?" I cry on his shoulder. Not many friend will do this to you, only true friend can. At the moment of my sadness and happiness, he always there.

Whether Im fine or not. The ceremony will go on. I cannot sleep well that night, I just hope the next day will be better....

12 November 2011

Morning. The rain still fall down. Although not as heavy as last night. I try to smile. It is my day. The only day that I will remember and cherish for the rest of my life. Let what have done is done. My mother is nowhere seen in the kenduri. Just my little brother. Make a scene at makan beradab table. My mind is blank. Nothing to think of at that time.

After the kenduri and my family relatives going home. My father arrive with abah man. He having a chat with his besan and ate some kenduri food before going home.

"**** jaga diri elok-elok. Dah jadi suami orang. Bawa keluarga dengan baik. Jangan jadi mcm abah" A few words from my father before he goes home. I just nodding on what he says.

My friends also bid me farewell. Thank you Syed Anwar and his brother Syed Arif. And also Fadzir who always be there.

13 November 2011

Someone send me some facebook screenshot. Im stunned.

Its the screenshot from my brother facebook wall. My sister also commented on it as well her friends. He compares on what he get with the dog.

After I see this screenshot, he call me asking me for RM400 because he shoot my nikah video. The video that he promised to me he will take for free. And he blackmail me saying he will delete it if I didn't pay. So this is how you treat your own brother?

And I did not PAY a cent for it. let it be. If he want to delete it fine with me. As things turned out, my mother has banked in RM6000 to her fiancee account and ask her to transfer it to my sister account. What that kid knows about this stuff? RM6000 out of thin air?? I still remember asking some help from my mother from wedding. He insisted that she didn't have any money. Where is this money come from suddenly materialized?

And my sister need that money only to transport her stuff back to malaysia. Herself been sponsored a ticket home already. Now my mom begging me to transfer that 6000 to my sister account at bank of america.

If I see my little brother again, I swear I smack his face first. I did transfer the money and all the toys that my sister want to ship back safe and sound already. I did bare the cost of transfer the money to oversea. As for the video, its up to him. Im not gonna go down on his demand.

There is saying that, if you do bad things to people, people will do the same thing back to you. I just pray that he has good life.

Until next post then...

Developer Diary: User access dilemma

2012-06-01T17:14:00.004+08:00

Sometimes we like to make something simple into something that was so complicated. From thinking that what next after alphabet 'A' to what next after alphabet 'Z'.

So I come across the weird (Can I use "weird"? never mind.) requirements for the project that I working on recently. It takes me 3 days to understand it.The system that I develop should have 3 category of the user:

Normal user
Multi group user
Anonymous user

Any clarification of what this user type should have access to? Not even in single line of requirements document. Maybe software engineer that come out with this requirement try to screw me or try to test my knowledge on the entire user base category of the company.

After 3 days I finally figure it out. Alright, now its time to implement it!

**ring ring** *phone ringing*

Me: "Hello?"
Software engineer: "Owh hi, just want to let you know that we drop the requirement for user access type"
Me: **speechless**

Yeah, after 3 days brain damage try to understand the requirements, they told me they gonna drop the requirements. Not sure its a good news or bad news. But either way, now I can move forward in the development process :)

When all things around you is about money

2012-05-31T19:25:00.005+08:00

When you was young, you always thought that your parent have a lot of money. For me, at the beginning I also thought like that. Why? because I was given only 30sen to 50sen for school pocket money, but my parents got to hold cool RM50 notes.

How naive isnt it? For the record, my parents are not rich. My father is just a government salary man and my mom is full time house wife.

Because of that, I ask a lot from my parents. You know in the early 90s that's a lot of cool anime like transformers, gundam, macross, voltron and a lot of cartoon that main purpose is just to selling the toys. Well, my parents never bought any of it, like Transformers. How I dreamt to have one Optimus Prime toy when I was a little kid. Sadly, even until now I still cant get one.

Original Optimus Prime toy that I really want, cool right?

However, I still remember my father bought a Dash Yankuro Tamiya version Dancing Doll and Cannon Ball for my little brother and my older sister.


At that time, this thing cost around RM26 each, RM26 is like RM260 ya know

Not only that, my father also bought the box, rechargeable battery etc etc for me and my siblings to use to play this small car. But still missing one piece, a track. The track costs hundreds of ringgits if want to buy from the toy store. My father eventually take the picture of the one in the store and he made one for us using only a hard cardboard paper. I still remember it he work on it after back from work until late night just to complete it.

Kinda like in this video (just for example):

Ahhh sweet childhood. However my childhood is not all fun and games. And not everything that I wanted or demanded is fulfilled by my parents. I know that my parents are not rich. I realize where I am, and I realize I am not in the place to demand for more. As long as I have food to eat, place to sleep, go to school then it should be enough for me.

Since you cant have everything, you start to dream that one day, when you have a job and have your own money, you want to buy all the things that you always wanted. Really? I mean, REALLY?

I just realized once you stepped into the same shoe as your parents, the whole reality of cruel world fall down upon you. My parents now divorced, and until now the court case still not settled. Guess they have a lot of money to pay for the lawyer fee.

Until now, I cant stop thinking of money when want to do something;

Hmmm, want to go lunch... *thinking how much money left in my pocket*,

Hmm, that gadget looks nice... *thinking how much money left in the bank*,

Hmm, I should buy some clothes... *thinking about money again*,

No. NO. I cant stop thinking about money. Its frustrating.

In the end, I fall back and retreat. And I always back to Allah, who always hear my prayer.

Im grateful. At least I still have everything that I need to continue my life and work. Thank You Allah~

How far I have gone...

2012-05-30T17:57:00.000+08:00

TIME.

Yes, TIME. It almost more than a year if I ever update my blog.

Not that I have a lot of readers also. But since the last post, everything has changed. My family, myself.

For a start, lets say I started my own family already. Im happily married to my love on 11 November 2011. And its a struggle until the end. Right now still, Im struggling. Its like you gonna drown but somehow, you manage to keep a float.

I wonder how long I can manage that.

As for my family, its already broken. It shattered to million pieces that maybe impossible to piece it back together again. Its a long story, and I planned to to write a novel on the whole story. Who knows it will become a next novel to silver screen.

I planned to keep active in my blog again. Maybe I write a few lines after my work hour while waiting for my wife to finish her work hour. Keep me on your reading list ok? :-)

Till next post then...

When we feel very helpless......

2010-12-27T23:01:00.001+08:00

A lot has happen since my last post for my birthday. Its a mixed bag full with sweetness and sour, sometimes bitter and sometimes it hurts me a lot. Although whatever happen, life goes on~

1) Finishing my masters study
At long last, I finish my study. This maybe mark the end of 7 years long life as university student (mahasiswa) to be exact. Who knows I will continue to pursue the PhD, only time will tell~

2)And 2 weeks later after finishing the study, I landed a job
Rezeki Allah~ I landed my first job on my first job interview. Although it may sounds that I will be happy, I know the challenges that will rise up in front of me. A mountain to climb, treacherous and dangerous cliff to jump. It seems easy at first, but once I involved, it looks like its no turning back. Maybe Im not happy with my job, maybe~ or its just my student mentality that still intact force me to quickly reform myself to become a man with a career. Its time to change and learn new things....

3) My family roots are shaking
The roots of the family seems not holding the tree firmly now. I just hope it will not crumble and makes me and all of my siblings as victim. I pray everyday that it will stabilize soon, time will tell....

4) Been away from my lovely sweetheart
This one hurt me the most. And it almost cause me to lose my insanity. Being so far away from her really takes a toll on my mental. The big slap if I feel somewhat been ignored, just for the TV show or for the mood changes. Am I too desperate? maybe. Am I being a busybody and always need an attention from her? only she knows.

Somehow I feel very awkward, and helpless. I don't know to who should I really talk too. My parents? nope. My siblings? nope. My sweetheart? I don't know. My friends? probably not the best option.

It seems a dead end to me. Feeling very helpless now. Ya Allah, berikanlah ku kekuatan utk menghadapi hari2 yang mendatang.........

After 5 years....

2010-09-13T07:51:00.000+08:00

Syukur kepada Allah kerana masih memberikan ku peluang untuk bernafas di muka bumi Nya, bagi mencari keredaan Nya. Alhamdulillah, genap sudah 25 tahun aku dilahirkan :)

I still remember posting the post on the blog on the same date, but 5 YEARS ago. Here is the link: http://revolutionworks.blog.friendster.com/2005/09/im-grew-older-with-experience/

Well after 5 years, did I achieve what I wish 5 years ago? Seems likely. And to top it off, I still didn't finish my study, although now at different level.

First time

For the the first time, there is person, calling me right at 12am of 13th September. Its my lovely dear, cutely wishing me happy birthday although she was far away back at her home at Perak. Nothing gonna describe my joy when she call me that morning. Thank you dear, may my next birthday can be celebrated with you as, well, you get the whole picture ;-)

Hari Raya Aidilfitri + homework/assignment/project + playing game = madness

For a whole week, I put my effort on doing the assignment/project. But something is missing. The hardcore effort that usually can make me go on and on and on to do the work has GONE. Able to pay attention for 2 hours then my head spinning, so I play games for a while.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all fellow muslim readers. Well, Im not celebrate it much, just celebrate it with my family, but they gone off to Johor while I been left alone at home continue the effort to complete all the assignment given.

My birthday wishes

For the 25th birthday, I wish almost the same like 5 years ago. To finish up my study. But now I want to find a good job, raise money and get married, hehehehe~ Well it seems like typical wishes that anyone wanted, but mine is a different story altogether.

Wednesday

2010-08-03T15:40:00.000+08:00

Wednesday, a day in one week. So what is the big deal about Wednesday? well for me, usually in this day, a very good thing or very bad thing happen.

Lets start with the bad ones...

Bad Wednesday (in diploma days): also known as hell day

Why? well for start, the class start early at 8:00am. Been the day of the middle of the week, this day usually the day where the assignment need to be submitted, and I have class from 8:00am to 6:00pm. The only break that we had is lunch break around 12:30pm to 2:00pm.

Then we had to go for curriculum class (I hate it) not only it starts at 6:30pm, but the class will end at 8:30pm if we lucky. Not only that, the class is so far away from the hostel, and the only mean of transportation that I had for disposal is my feet. Walking to the class feeeeeel so long, and the walk back to hostel is much more loooong~ feel that's the hostel is thousand of kilometers away. And usually, at the end of the day, I go to bed early, its sooo tiring for one day...

Good Wednesday (in master days): also known as the happy (date) day :)

Only in this day, the cinema ticket show will be half priced to RM6. (Yeah you read it right, RM6 baby). And I can go there with my dear and watch and enjoy the movie. Its a date day for me. Watching movie together with her and then enjoying nice lunch which ever we want to go. Its so nice to spend the day with my dear and I feel very happy when I share my time with her. After that we go class together and after that we can have dinner if we still hungry.

Things that I have enjoyed most.....

For years I was hooked up with computer/video games. I was so obsessed with it, and I can play non stop for hours. But now, I feel something changing, rarely I sit in front of my PC or my consoles and play for hours. I still play it casually, but not as hardcore as before. For some reason, it didn't have much appeal that can make me glued to play for hours....

On the other hand, I enjoyed spent time with my dear. Every moment I spent with her, sharing thoughts and discuss anything together, see her smile and laugh, makes me feel human. Unlike computer games, this feel very different, and I feel appreciated by someone.

Thank you so much dear for spending time with me, if I had been given choice between games and you, I without hesitation choosing you, because, you are the only one in my heart~ I love you~

Before semester starts (my top 5)

2010-07-01T22:00:00.000+08:00

Only a few days left before new semester starts for my masters study, and its my final semester, yay! XD

How to summarize my activities for almost 2 months of semester break? Well lots of it in my posts from May 2010 through June 2010. If I want to ask myself, which one is the best? read on for my countdown from 5 to the top...

5. June and its school holiday season = musim kahwin :D

How did I notice? well judging with the numerous wall posts of majlis kahwin and tunang, its the mating season (uhm, is the usage of this word is appropriate?)

But its not a bad thing, actually my family and myself got a lot of invitation to wedding and engagement ceremony, and what's more better to see a couple go through their happiest moment of their life :-)

I want to wish all my friends who have wed or engage to live happily ever after~ Semoga Allah memberikan kebahagiaan di sepanjang perjalanan hidup kalian~

4. Semester break = no work? WRONG.

For some reason, I would love to do some work in this semester break. Hence I work hard to finish my research assistant tasks, helping with my dad configuring their website and take part in the new system analysis, helping out my brother opening his new studio (yup, my bro finally open the studio) and do some work for my bro and earn some moooney~ :P

And it bring joy to me, is it mean I like to work? or its just I enjoy making people happy and earn experience myself. Whatever the reason, I love this semester break, although Im not gone to holiday, I feel happy~

3. An invitation to write for another international conference

Like the last semester break, my lecturer again, invite me to write for another international conference at the end of this year. One of my paper have been published by IEEE and now available here with the title: Policy Gaps in Virtual World. Unfortunately for that paper, I can't present the paper myself, and my lecturer, Mr. Muthu do the presentation.

But this time, Pn. Norizan ask me to do the presentation myself, and I think its good for me to earn some experience presenting paper at the conference like this. You guys can checkout this website to read about the conference. Hope my paper will be accepted and I have chance to earn experience. Wish me luck~

2. Great games released

The most anticipated games, Alan Wake have been released, and I felt so happy to be able to play in my free time. And not to forget Red Dead Redemption, Rockstar games rulesssss XD its storyline and multiplayer mode is just perfect, although some people said its GTA4 in Wild Wild West setting, I think Rockstar do a great job to make the as diverse as possible. And I like the part we can catch or lasso the bandit and drag them around while you on horse! awesome stuff.

Now I excited with the new Xbox360 and their KINECT. The microsoft E3 press conference just blew me away XD I want to play Dance Central~ LOL

On the other note, Im now sneaking on my PSP with MGS: Peace Walker~

1. Spending my time with her........

Among the most that happen in this semester break, I treasure the most the time I spent with her, someone special that close to my heart. Its bring me joy the most just to see her smile and laugh, To have conversation with her late at night until I fall asleep, and the best of all, its one year since we met and half year of dating together.

Thank you so much my dear, I will treasure every moment with you close to my heart, Im may not perfect, but I try my best to be your man~

And for conclusion...

I look foward to finish my studies and to open new chapter in my life. Semoga Allah memberkati ku disepanjang perjalanan ini.............

What is happening to me?

2010-06-11T22:56:00.000+08:00

The second semester results

The result of the second semester of my postgraduate study have been posted up by UiTM. Sadly, the system for checking the result are poorly configured and the server are jam packed with hundred of thousands curious student who wanted to check their result.

In the end, the server crash, and at the time I posted this post, the result server still down, but the server for mini transcript are functioning (at least one of it, server 3). And if you lucky, the mini transcript have been updated with your results.

My CGPA have been dip down 0.09. Its still good though, judging how though last semester been for me.

The mood swing, negative thought and tasks

Well a lot of things in my mind lately. Aside from FIFA World Cup 2010 where I don't have buddies to share with, makes me felt a little bit useless to watch it silently ALONE. Hey, even the normal football matches I watch alone, that makes me a silent goal celebrator (hopping around in front of TV silently when goal happen).

And lately my mood swing are bad, my mood can be good as the sunshine of the day, and quickly it can turn into furious storm at the sea. Is it because too many jobs at hands? maybe. Is it because something else? I don't know. My mind may play tricks with me, and I felt a little bit lonely, I don't know why.

And when it happens, I know it can hurt someone who I love. But it is not my intention to do so.

Do I need a few days to calm down? I don't have few days.

Do I need to getaway to other place?

What is happening to me?

The unusual semester break

2010-06-05T20:07:00.001+08:00

Semester break is where usually I enjoyed most (in my diploma and degree time). But time has changed, and as I take postgraduate master, semester break also mean "do something useful".

Gone are days where I usually sit in front of my PC or beloved game consoles playing for hours. Now, semester break I still sit in front of my PC, but do work such as conference paper or research assistant task and some freelance work.

A part of I gain experience and knowledge, some of this activity come with some income for me :)

On the other note, she have gone back home for her family. It's not a bad thing, its just I will miss her so much.

Hope she enjoy the time with her family and do well.

I miss you my dear~

wonderful week together (17 May - 23 May)

2010-05-24T18:42:00.000+08:00

The week that I will never forget.

The reason? A part from finally all the semester 2 task finish officially, well lets say Im totally happy.

Only the one who knows why, and I want to say "Thank you" so much to be there for me and give me such happiness in my life.

The first ride

2010-05-19T00:50:00.000+08:00

6am, as usual I woke up early. Apart from my brother snoring sound that can match the sound of rocket blasting off to outer space, its time for Subuh prayer also. So, I take a bath, and perform the prayer.

Around 7am I go jog at the lake. The weather are not hot in the morning, so its comfortable to jog around the lake. But to go there, I had to beat the rush hour traffic +_+ As my Elegan scooter flying past every slow moving car, there are also people who sleep while driving and try hit me from the side. I blow my horn loud enough to make the driver awake, also other road user at that time XD

8.30am, I back to the house, take a bath again and off to my dear house to take her report to bind and submit to the lecturer. Around 9:15am Im arrived. After that I go print my report and go to the shop to bind it. Well to my surprise, every single printing shop there closed, except one. so everyone go there and only one person there that serve the customer. Im waiting almost 45 minutes just to get the report to be bind. After that I go around again to the faculty and submit the report.

Around 11am I back to my dear house. She want me to accompany her to UMW Toyota Klang for insurance renewal. The traffic to Klang is a bit light, maybe because its not rush hour time, but we got lost a bit because of the rerouting of the traffic in Klang. But my dear finally settle her insurance renewal and to her smiling..... is enough to make happy throughout the day.

We then have our lunch at McD before go to Plaza Alam Sentral to take a look at Samsung Corby Cool phone. The price is not what I expected, its almost RM150 pricier than my expected price. My dear looks unhappy when I reluctant to test the phone. In the end my dear asked to test the phone from one of the booth that sell it.

My brother call me to come the his studio as he got problem with the photoshop keep hang when he doing the editing job. After we done at PAS, my dear go back home, and I go heading to my bother studio. After some fixing, the photoshop is working again. But the rain come down quite heavy forced me to stay at the studio quite long, until 9pm +_+

Our first ride together

I call her after I bathed, and ask her if she having a dinner already. She didn't have dinner yet because she fall asleep. Heavy rain + pillow = comfortable sleep :-) hehehehe~

So I invite her for dinner, and Im surprised that she want to ride with me :D Its her first time to ride with me. As the elegan back seat a bit high, Im worried at first. But all goes well as we ride together to the restaurant for a late late night dinner.

After send her back home, she was smiling and bid me farewell~ Im melted.....

"Good night my dear~ I love you~"

I miss her (part 4: final)

2010-05-16T16:30:00.000+08:00

My dad come home from outstation duty, and walk with me around the lake. The usual wisdom, my dad will lecture me while we walking together, as he can't run fast anymore. After that, I go to Tesco with my mom to buy grocery. My head still thinking about the report correction that still didn't complete.

After that, we all had a video call from my sister from US, where again, that's her only chance to speak Malay. Glad to see her well, although she have some cough and flu. The one week break is on for my sister and she plan to visit her friend house at Austin, Texas. Well hope she enjoy the break, she needed it that much.

As for me, we all go to the kenduri at wisma MBSA. The hall is pack. Even to eat we had to queue so long because of the buffet style of serving, and only 2 counter been served. Not to mention there is not enough table and seat. We had to share with other family on one table.

My little sister wanted to watch Iron Man 2 this evening. For that, I go get her 4 tickets of the movie, I don't want to watch it because I already watch the movie.

Back home, I sat back in front of my computer, and continue do the report correction.

Suddenly my phone rang~

"Hello, Assalamualaikum~"

"Waalaikumsalam syg~" she replied.

The sound of her voice echoed through the ear, vibrating straight to my heart and piercing through my conscious. She come back from her village. The cheer of my heart is inexpressibly by words.

Welcome home dear, I miss you so much~

I miss her (part 3)

2010-05-15T09:18:00.000+08:00

Saturday.

Well, there is much event today. Ranging from kenduri jiran in front of my house to the ITEX'10 at KLCC. My little bro go to Putrajaya for Hari Belia, there is Karnival LKSA for the new highway opened near my parents home, and Youth Day 10 at PWTC. Whew~

3 nights

For 3 nights, I dreamed about her. Maybe I always thinking about her when I go to sleep. But the streak of 3 nights of dream with her...... I really miss her. It makes me sound in a misery. P.Ramlee kata sakit angau, dulu gelak la, sekarang dah kena.

Instead, I sit down and continue doing the massive correction for my report. Wanted to go jog this morning but the canopy in front of my house block the way. I can do some mumbo jumbo motorcycle stunt to get pass, but Elegan is one big heavy scooter, I can't do that stunt to pass through XD

I guess today my mom will skip cooking for lunch because of the kenduri. Free meals anyone? hehehe~

The time seems so slow passing by. Im really looking foward to see her again, and do nice things together :)

I miss her (part 2)

2010-05-14T14:28:00.000+08:00

Really.... I miss her.

There is no word to describe how empty I feel without her. Her joyous smile on her face, the beautiful eyes that makes my heart melted...

New wireless home phone

Yesterday I fitted new DSL splitter, now it should be no problem to connect to internet while connecting to the home phone at the same time. I also replace the TM old fashion phone with new wireless phone. My mom is happy.

After that I go buy myself a new pair of running shoes. New shoes for jogging around the lake, yehaa XD

I spend the day to do correction for my special topic report then, but there is too much correction to be done, and the weather change to rain, how sleepy (anyone want to guess what's next?)

XNA game development

I look out on several references on the XNA studio game development, maybe I could develop simple game in this semester break. Judging that I will go and watch my brother newly open studio, I have much time to do the work and coding also.

Who knows in the end of semester break I come out with one nice 1 level game :)

Now if you ask me, Im counting the day. The day when will she back. I miss her so much. Time pass so slowly... one day felt like a year now~

I miss her (part 1)

2010-05-12T23:42:00.000+08:00

Well, today is quite a day. How should I start?

Morning
I woke up early as usual, and go jog around at the lake. around 9am, Im calling her. Hope she still at her house. At first she didn't answer it, so I go take a shower. After that, she finally pick up the phone, well, apparently she in the shower as well XD I ask her if she want to go breakfast together, so agreed and after the breakfast, she left for her village. Im gonna miss her....

After that, I go to the faculty and collect my report for correction. Oh my, too many correction to do. As usual, I greeted the lecturers there along the way. And I go back home and study for the report correction.

Afternoon
After solat zohor, I go down the stair for the lunch. I was planning to go Lowyat to find the DSL splitter that has been broken. Around 2:30pm, I was off to the Komuter station. And the journey to lowyat plaza takes around 1 and half hour. I wondering around lowyat, try searching this tiny little pieces of equipment. Beside searching what I was looking for, I can't help also looking around for the new phones, gadgets, computer equipment. Guess I had been carried away :P

Evening
Around 6:30pm my mom start calling me, but I can't hear it nor feel it because of the noise and I was walking around at that time. When I finally realize, I got around 4 miss call +_+ (sorry mom). At the time like this, the monorail and komuter service will be packed with the people trying to go home as soon as possible. And the train, sigh, late again....

I decided to have a dinner at Rasamas restaurant at KL Sentral. Sitting there eating alone make I miss her even more.

I finally got onboard the train around 8pm and arrive at home around 9pm.

Membina unggul lelaki
That's the book title I come across the borders when I was wondering around this evening. One of the chapter describe about "Sikap lelaki yang wanita tidak sukai". As far as I remember, there is 3 of them;

Lelaki yang suka berlagak
Lelaki yang merayu pada wanita (what?)
Lelaki yang terlalu menyayangi (double what?)

The first one, I get it, sometimes men ego can disgust women. Sometimes, men didn't even realize that he showing off or bragging to his female counterpart. Well, guess we all have weaknesses. The second one, the book describe that this kind of men crying to the women, begging for something (maybe money, or love?) The author said the women is weak and to men show the same weaknesses is a turned off for them. The last one, the author said that the men who invite women to the dinner at the restaurant, let her take a seat first, place the napkin on her lap, and saying to her that he loves her all the time is a turned off to the women. I was confused. Really? The author said that the women will think the men is crazy to do all sort of things to her. The author suggest that men should "control-macho" and didn't show the passion for the women.

I place the book back after read that line. Is it wrong for men to show her passion to the women he love? Or is it our culture that make men in malaysia all "control-macho"? I was thinking about that when I was walking around this evening.

What to do next?
Well, Im planning to do correction of my report and then do some work that can make me earn money this semester break. Funny though, I was always write that I always play games a while ago (checkout my old blog). But now, it seems not that attractive anymore. It kinda lose a magic touch that can make me sit for hour playing the games. Maybe, Im changing, or I realize there is much better things to do in life than playing video games all the time.

Whew, quite a lengthy post, till next part :)

Heavy Rain.....

2010-05-06T23:21:00.000+08:00

Today the usual downpour of rain lashes down upon Shah Alam, since evening. Well it stopped for a while around 5pm, but it started to rain again around 9pm.

In the middle of the rain, Im sitting in front of my PC......... thinking.... and thinking....

Today I feel so blurry, my thoughts and empty, and my thinking are not properly aligned with my emotion.

I had to submit compiler construction project by Monday, test on Sunday and prepare for presentation on Monday. Why this condition had to happen now? Am I wearing out? Probably. Tired? Of course. Gone insane? Maybe.

Thankfully, there is someone there who always comforting me, regardless, Im feeling that I took too much of her time, and deep down, my instinct tell me that I somewhat made her feel "rimas".

Since Im usually kept much of my own feeling and thoughts to myself, with her I feel I can speak anything that had been frozen and disturbing my sanity. But, I had doubt that did I do the right thing.

And the rain continues to coming down.... and down... and down.... heavily.....