Learning to Survive

Surviving The After-Math

2018-06-12T08:35:00.001-07:00

Hey readers. Wow its been a long time coming since I made a post. I do apologize but there have been some things in my life I had to learn to survive before I could get past it all. No my life is not all figured out. Some days I feel like my life is even more of a roller coaster than it ever was. I wish I could say that I have it all figured out but that would be the world's biggest lie.

So readers you know my struggles with cancer, my struggles with divorce, my struggles with single parenting and all the stuff that has come to play in the past 6-7 years. So where is Evy now in all of this? Here I am:

Photo Credit: dreamstime.com

Oh that is cute if you think I am the one at the top, or even the second climber. I am that hand that you see all the way down at the bottom going: "Please dear God someone get me off this mountain!" First off readers I am scared, correction terrified of heights and while this mountain climbing isn't literal it is still a metaphorical fear of the heights I have to reach in my life. Like career success, financial success, parenting success and the scariest of all: PERSONAL SUCCESS! Sweet Jesus is that one the scariest and the hardest. I will be discussing that in another blog post (yes I promise to continue to blog more often) but today we are going to talk about the after math of all that cancer has left with me.

So remember my dear old friend Mr. Cancer? You know the guy! The one who came into my life, turned everything completely upside down, has been well the most absolute volatile relationship in my life and even created a codependent relationship I never wanted but got. Yea that guy... I am proud to say we broke up after 3 tries of trying to make it work between us.

Photo Credit: xltkwj.com

It was finally time to say good bye and attempt and hope to never look back and go back to such a relationship. But like when my marriage ended I still had to pick up pieces of this broken relationship. There were still things that Mr. Cancer brought into my life that I apparently got full custody of even though I tried to make a clean break from all of it. You see sometimes the cure, the solution is worse than the disease. And when Mr. Cancer comes into your life he leaves you worse than he found you. I remember the days of thinking that losing my hair was the worst of my problems, or that fearing treatment was hard. How about the days of pain after my surgery? Or even the lack of being able to eat because chemo left me nauseous? Or the days when my skin literally burned, itched and even felt uncomfortable after Radiation? Oh those days aren't as bad as now. You see something happens when you've undergone the immense amount of chemo and radiation that I have gone through. It is the After-Math and this my friends is worse.

I have never been through an earthquake. I am so grateful for that because I truly fear those as well but I have heard sometimes with an earthquake the aftershocks are worse. And this is where I am now. Let me reference one of my favorite stories of all time. So in the Wizard of Oz (love the story so much) I always wanted to be Dorothy! I mean who doesn't? Going off on adventures, meeting new friends, and getting a fabulous new pair of shoes! I mean hello?!?! Who doesn't want all that? But instead this is me:

Photo Credit: flickr.com

I am the Wicked Witch, Cancer is that darn house that landed on top of me and Dorothy? Oh wait till you hear who Dorothy is.... FIBROMYALGIA! She took my ruby slippers and ran off with them! I mean can you believe the audacity? Not only am I not the cute pig tail wearing, basket carrying, dog loving, adventure seeker that is Dorothy but I am the gosh darn witch who gets a house landed on her and loses her favorite pair of stilettos within the first 15 minutes of the whole movie! Like seriously? This is the prize I get for dumping the Wizard (cancer)? Ugh!

Fibromyalgia is no joke! Pains everywhere, fevers running, lack of strength, lack of energy, lack of ability to do what you took advantage of your whole life like walking more than 10 feet without excruciating pain! Oh and don't get me started on the actual depression you feel because you are now in a state of 24/7/365 pain all the time. Cancer didn't depress me but fibro is! It takes its toll.

I have been distant from a lot of people lately. It is not me not loving them anymore, me not wanting to talk, be with, hang out with, see them. It is because the pains don't allow me enough rest. The pains are overwhelming and the depression all consuming! One of my meds for Fibromyalgia is an anti-depressant. Oh this was hard for me to accept that I needed but I do. I need to stabilize me. Most don't know about my depression. I don't publicly share it. But I felt the need to now. I need to allow others to see the real me, the me that doesn't feel like she has it together. The me that doesn't believe she is good enough. The me that is sad, is overwhelmed with such sadness over the loss of the me that I had discovered and learned to love. The me that can't seem to love herself anymore. I will be better. I know it. But for now this is my harsh reality. I am lost in the pain. I am lost in the depression and I am going to have to learn to Survive this too.

Thanks for reading.

Surviving CLM

2016-10-16T18:10:00.002-07:00

The past three months have been eye opening for me. They have been revealing for me and most importantly they have been empowering for me. I have been since August taking a retreat one weekend a month about creating a life that matters. Some might think well you have a life that matters, you have your kids, your family, your friends but I wanted to create a life that matters not only for God but for me to rediscover myself.

So let me begin here with the first session of CLM Rediscovering a Relationship with the Sacred. In this weekend I learned so much of who God is! Not only the God we read about in the Bible and do not get me wrong that is an amazing God but it is not always seen as a personal God. I rediscovered a relationship with my God. The God that not only spoke the world into existence but spoke me into existence as well. A God that cares about me, my needs, my wants, my desires, my fears, my faults, my passions and even my creativity. The God I had learned about in Sunday School growing up did amazing things in the time of the Bible but I had not seen those miracles in the here and now. Or so I thought! The God I learned about in college undergoing my ministry degree was a God who is loving but also wrathful. I had experienced God's miracles in my life and through healings but I can be honest and say that while I claimed him as my God I never truly understood what that meant until that faithful weekend in August. I went in to the sanctuary not knowing what to expect. I see we have assigned seating and I am in a group with three other men. Men who stole my heart with their stories and stories that I will never forget. I spent that weekend moving my seat and getting to know the people that I attended church with a little bit better and they getting to know me a bit better as well. But I really got to know MY God! The God I spoke about earlier. The God who is mother, father, mentor, friend to me! The God who cares about me as much as he cared about the world he created. The God who cherishes a relationship with me.

The second weekend in September was rediscovering a relationship with the self. Your-self. The one the scared wants to have a relationship with. I struggled here. I am not going to lie. Getting in touch with your inner self and reflecting on who you really are is not easy but I have to say it was worth it. I learned about my inner strength that was something I could not see in myself and these amazing people helped me discovered it. So I realize I have not told you who these people are and well I am not disclosing any names for sake of privacy but I will describe them, my new amazing friends and family of choice to you.
1. Is my new friend who is so intelligent, both book smart and cultural smart.
2. Is my new friend who is so beautiful in whatever skin he chooses to show.
3. Is my new friend who inspires me through his faith and wisdom in God.
4. Is my new friend who shows the most hospitality to all he meets.
5. Is my new friend who brings about such harmony and peace to everyone around her.
6. Is my new friend who has a heart of gold and takes care of family and animals with a selfless love.
7. Is my new friend who is a rock star explorer and who I want to be when I finally grow up.
8. Is my new friend who has taught me researching and reading can make you learn so much new interesting things.
9. Is my new friend who teaches me love, complete unconditional love and support through a listening ear.
10. Is my new friend who teaches me beauty can bring about healing always.
11. Is my new friend who teaches me that to love others and love yourself is what makes this journey worthwhile.
12. Is my new friend who teaches me that a passion to work for God is such a beautiful passion to have.
13. Is my new friend who teaches me that even through the trials and heartbreak God can bring peace.
14. Is my new friend who teaches me we are all colors in this beautiful rainbow world and magic is everywhere.
15. Is my new friend who teaches me that a love for pictures can preserve a lifetime of memories and who teaches the class with knowledge and wisdom.
16. Is my new friend who teaches me that even the Pastor can learn alongside with us while inspiring us to be the best we can be in our passion, our selves and with the sacred.

The third weekend just ended today. Oh my Lord was it beautiful but difficult all at the same time. We discovered our relationship with our passion. In this weekend we delved deep into our lives. We remembered the good, the bad and the ugly and readers there is a whole lot of the uglies in my life but I had to be authentic with myself and delve into it to see who I am meant to be. In this weekend I brought up past hurts, abuse, illnesses and loss but I also remembered the beauty of my children, rediscovering my first true love in singing, remembering when I first fell in love with Christ and even when I found my true authentic self, believe it or not it is not when everyone thinks it is.... PLOT TWIST!!! But while lots of tears were shed and past hurts were surfaced I learned through it all that what I would consider as rough times or valleys in my past God never let me down. You see my life through it all has been like a roller coaster with ups and downs. God has been the pull bar. He has been there all along. Sometimes I clutched onto God/the pull bar for dear life while other times I went through life with my hands up in the air screaming wooooo!!!!!! But God was always there holding onto me and never letting me go.

CLM has been empowering for me, transformative, inspiring and has created in me a life that matters. This was my favorite picture of the whole event because its true if you want to see a woman truly smile offer her Chocolate:

Learning to Survive: Learning to Survive from Breaking, Blessing and Gi...

2015-06-20T20:22:00.001-07:00

Being broken isn't easy see how to overcome it....

Learning to Survive: Learning to Survive from Breaking, Blessing and Gi...: Sometimes we wonder why God puts us where He does readers. Sometimes we wonder why we go through the trials and the tribulations we do. Some...

Learning to Survive from Breaking, Blessing and Giving.

2015-06-20T20:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we wonder why God puts us where He does readers. Sometimes we wonder why we go through the trials and the tribulations we do. Sometimes we wonder why me? I grew up hearing God only puts His strongest through the fire. I use to think wow that is so not fair God! I mean your reward for being strong is God making you have to continue to use your strength time and time again. Applying all that pressure until you break? How fair is that God? But then I had to grow up. Something that is not fun to do and well quite difficult to do as well. Growing up and facing one battle after another people would tell me that same phrase: God only gives His greatest warriors the hardest time. I remember crying and saying God please don't think that I am strong because I know me and I know I am weak. I would beg to be weak enough so that I did not have to face the issues that I faced.

Pray that my marriage would work out even though we married each other barely knowing each other because we were going to be parents. Praying that God would give me the strength to overcome when my second pregnancy did not take and one day I awoke bleeding knowing that baby was no longer inside of me. Praying that each time he lost a job we can make ends meet. Praying that I could find a way to better myself in order to better my family. Praying that he would be safe when he left to war. Praying the cancer wouldn't take my life. Praying that I was not being a burden to my family, friends and most importantly my children who had to care for me at that time. Praying that he came back differently because of something he saw in war and not because the sight of me was something he couldn't stand. Praying that we made it back to Orlando safe after 72 hours on the long road home. Praying to find a job and be able to support my children. Praying to be able to heal a broken, correction no shattered heart. Praying my children's hearts be healed as well. Praying that I could be enough for them because physically, spiritually and even emotionally at that time I was all they had. Praying to be able to love again. Praying to be able to finally see myself how apparently God saw me because He believed I was strong and so therefore I had to be right? Wrong! I did not have to be strong I had to be willing and that is all!

At church we are talking about the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan:

By Francis Chan

This is an amazing book but let me tell you something it makes you really evaluate yourself. In this book Francis Chan talks how It's crazy, if you think about it. The God of the universe – the creator of nitrogen and pine needles, galaxies and E-minor – loves us with a radical, unconditional, self-sacrificing love. This God who can do all of that loves us with such a crazy love and that His crazy love for us changes us.

So our Pastor in our church tells us the story about when Jesus is on the road and appears to two men, this story is found in the 24th chapter of Luke, and they recognize Jesus after the breaking of the bread. Our Pastor during our lesson asks us how we think about it that it took them to be blessed by the breaking and the giving of the bread. And so I got to thinking. I mean my life has been far from perfect. I have dealt with more ups and downs than a roller coaster at Disney World. Did it happen like that for me?

So I am thinking. The bread that is me. I had to be broken. Jesus had to come and allow me to break in order to put me together again. Not like Humpty Dumpty readers when we break we have a God who has all the power to put us back together again. Before my life took a turn for the worse I was working hard at being the model Christian. The one that was at the church every Wednesday Night and Sunday Morning. I was at church actually 7 days a week since I worked there and technically it felt like I had no days off. Man I think I should have just paid rent at the church I was there more than my own home. While I was serving God I wasn't doing it right. I was self centered and self absorbed in my own world of my own holiness. But you see that is when God allows His people to go through the fire and the trials. I needed a wake up call. So long story short (I've shared my story with you all already) I was broken. In that breaking is when I re-discovered Christ again. Like those two men who had walked along with Jesus but did not recognize Him that was me. But when the breaking of the bread happened they did recognize and when my breaking happened is when I recognized and found Him again. Because of the breaking I received my blessing. A better relationship with Christ which led to a better relationships in my life with family and friends. I have told that through this blog that started because of a breaking point in my life (my cancer) I have been reached by different women's groups to speak to them on issues and so then I am able to give because of the breaking, the blessing and the giving.

So do I still believe the old saying that God only gives His strongest tests to His strongest warriors? Absolutely not. I believe none of us are truly strong alone. I believe our strength to combat it all only comes from God. He is our strength but we do not have it on our own. So when trials come to break you cling closer to God because after the breaking comes the blessing and then the giving!

Thanks readers for reading and as always....

Be Blessed in HIM

Learning to Survive the New Chapter in my Life

2015-06-16T17:00:00.005-07:00

What a week, last week was. The emotions, the raw painful and almost crippling emotions I felt over all that was happening last week. Truth be told I was not sure I was going to survive it all. I thought the sheer amount of pain I was in in my heart was surely going to be the end of me. I thought I was going to break under the extreme amount of pressure I was placed in.

So last week was my divorce week. A week that for 2 years I have waited for, anticipated, longed for. Readers it's one thing when you are in the frame of mind that you love the other person, that you want to make things work, that you long for reconciliation but I was not there. Once upon a time I was but no longer. Looking back I remember that time like it was yesterday. I remember the endless tears I cried! I remembered the countless prayers I yelled out to God to fix me so my marriage would be fixed. I remember the heartache and broken feeling but you know what readers looking back now God had set me on the path He wanted and needed me at. I could go on and on about how woe is me and he left me and he found another woman and so on and so forth. I could be the scorned woman who holds resentment in her heart, her mind, her life. I could be the bitter divorcee who bashes on her ex for ruining the best years of my life but what good is that going to do me? And how true would that even be? The best years of my life were not with him! Don't get me wrong I had good times and wonderful times with him. I have three of the most amazing kids to ever walk the surface of this earth because of him but the best years? No. The best years have been now. And the best years are still to come.

Readers I have found a new me. She is a woman who has overcome and came out on top. I have found a strength through having to depend on God. I have found a new joy in my life through the process of discovering myself as the woman God created me to be all along. I found love in places I never thought of before and in people I never thought before. I have found acceptance and community and roots in life. I was meant for this life, this joy, this love, this strength, this overcoming all along and God finally brought me back to the place He always intended me to be in.

I strayed many years ago without really knowing. I became of myself who I thought God wanted me to be without really knowing that I took a wrong turn in life. I was destined to be here and honestly I could have gotten here faster had I not taken the wheel and gone the very long scenic route to get to where I am now. But you wanna know something? Without detouring and taking the scenic route I would not have come across the obstacles that have made me the woman I am today.

So I am about to say something I never thought I would say. I want to thank my ex husband for helping to make me the strong, resilient and overcoming woman I am today. I do not mean this sarcastically or even satirical because had he not forced me and jump start me on the path that I am today I would not be where I am.

Pain and resentment of the past need to stay in the past. I am a new creature the Bible says. All the old has been washed away. I went through the fire and I went through the pressure but now I am coming out a diamond in the rough. Still need some polishing but I am what God has called me to be. I am strong, courageous, overcoming, resilient and most importantly I am His and on the path He has set me on.

I am working hard to finish my race and I know that God is with me every step of the way. While trials come and they always do He will be the one to lift me up when others try to bring me down and the one to hold me when I'm at my weakest point.

Thanks readers for all your prayers. They truly have been my saving grace. And as always...

Be Blessed in HIM

Learning to Survive: Just Surviving

2014-06-25T17:59:00.001-07:00

Learning to Survive: Just Surviving: Readers on the one hand I am happy. I am finally in a place in my life that I have found happiness. I am happy, my...

Just Surviving

2014-06-25T17:58:00.000-07:00

Photo Courtesy of Evy

Readers on the one hand I am happy. I am finally in a place in my life that I have found happiness. I am happy, my children are happy and we might not be living the high life but we have great people in our lives. Yet on the other hand I am sad. I am sad because truth be told I feel my life is in a stand still right now, waiting on this divorce that seems to be taking an eternity to be done with, waiting on my life to fully start and no matter how much of the good stuff comes around there is still some things that make me wonder why.

But then I am one that would rather allow the bad things to happen to me and me alone. I can handle them while I hate that sometimes I see those that I love struggling and wish with every fiber in my being that I could take their pain away. I want to go around and just remove all the bad from everyone and just have a world where all my loved ones, my family, my friends all can be happy. We look happy in that picture don't we? That is one of my favorite pictures. It does not have all my loved ones displayed but none-the-less the ones displayed do each hold a special place in my heart. I love each and everyone of them dearly. Each representing something different in my life.

At the bottom of the picture is my daughter. She represents my children who yes hold the second highest place in my heart. God holding the highest place of all. My children have survived so much in this last 2 years of our lives. These last two years have seen them lots and lots of growing up they have had to do. They have dealt with cancer, chemo, radiation, surgeries (my hysterectomy, my daughter's knee surgery), physical therapy, deployment, moving, separation, leaving behind all they knew, losing the life they had built, losing a parent (while he is not passed away their was a mourning period since they no longer got to be with him, talk with him as they once did). My kids have been through the fire and came out polished and new. They are stronger than ever before because they faced all of that and survived. I get questioned on my parenting. I am a non-traditional parent but my love for them is my driving force. I get upset when I am questioned because their entire lives I have placed their needs above my own and have instructed them in the path of God. I may not be your conventional Christian but make sure to never doubt my faith. While my children went through all this these past two years so did I. The one thing that brought us four through was our faith, our prayers, our hope in God to see us through the trial and we did. Do I go about quoting scripture, shouting out Halleluyahs, laying hands on people? No but trust me when I say I pray. I pray for those I love, I pray for those I like, I even pray for those I do not like (I pray for my ex and his new family each and every day that they find peace, happiness and forgiveness) and while I do not publicly announce it I do it in my quiet times, in my me time, in the wee hours of the night when I can not seem to find peace of my own.

On the right hand side of me is my niece. My only biological niece and soon you will understand why I say biological. She is 19 years old. She is ready to take this world by storm. She represents my youth. At her age I wanted to be something special. I wanted to be someone who made a difference. At that age I had no idea how. My niece is in college now just like me. I am seeking my degree later in life and while I am thrilled to be able to do so I wish I would have had the foresight at her age to finish school before I became a bonafide adult. Its hard to persue your dreams when you have to hold down a household as well. She is starting her life. I remember that time almost like a dream you wake up from. I remember never having a care in the world. I really did but looking back at my problems then it is nothing compared to now. She is what I wish I could be sometimes.... Free!! I love my children and they are my world. I love my parents who I live with and am 100% grateful for it all. But free is not a luxury anymore. If I want a girls night out I have to jump through hoops better than a circus lion to get it. I look at her and see the possibility of future right at your fingertips. Then I see the struggles of life even at that age. I look at the struggles of my life and they are so grand to me but I am sure my mother looks at my struggles and thinks thats not so bad and so I try to put her life situations into perspective and think going to college is rough. You are really in the in between of life where you aren't technically a kid anymore yet you really don't know how to fully be an adult. Not really.

Right above my niece is my other niece. Now this beautiful young woman is my niece but not blood related. You see she is my niece's best friend and is living my sister and her family. Now while she is not blood related she is still my niece. I love her as if I had known her my entire life. She represents to me new beginnings. New family members I have through the friendships made in the family. New friendships and new beginnings. I see my niece who is silly and energized, who while she hates to admit it has a heart of gold, who came from a situation where life may not have been good but has made a better situation of her life. She is my new beginnings. She is my new love. She is my second chance at life and happiness.

In the far upper left corner is one of my beautiful best friends. She represents all my friendships. New and old. Friends have your back no matter what. Friends are there for you through it all. They are your biggest cheerleader and the one there laughing alongside you. They are the ones who put aside themselves to lift you up when you are down. I have some amazing friends. I have some friends who are going through the fires of life right now and they are struggling. That breaks my heart. Its harder because it seems like the devil is attacking them all at once. Its been hard to keep up with everyone lately and I hate that I can't. I have obligations in my life but friendship is important to me. My friends are important to me. I've had to leave my friends at different stages of my life. First time was when I got married. I had to concentrate on being a wife and a mom. But the friendships survived through it all. When my ex lost his job and we had to move over 1300 miles away to a town in South Texas I left again. Friendships still lasted. When my husband enlisted friendships still lasted. When we got our duty station, Fort Bliss, friendships lasted and new friendships began, when I had to leave everything and come back home, friendships lasted (some ended but I never considered then those to be true friendships to begin with). But now it seems like everyone is being pulled in all different directions. My heart is breaking over this. Friends are the family you chose, is how I think, and my family feels like it is falling apart. My prayers are concentrated more here now. My family. I want us all together whether it is physically or spiritually. Some of us are pulling closer to each other while others of us are pulling apart. But it should never be like this.

To my left is my nephew. He represents my inner child. My inner self. I always, always had a strong bond with him. Not only is he the youngest of his family like I am the youngest in mine. But our personalities, our hearts are the same. He hurts like I hurt, he laughs like I laugh (not exactly cause I have a distinctive laugh but we laugh at the same kind of things), he wears his heart on his sleeve like I used to. I see him and see everything that I loved to be. I see him and see everything I want to be again. I want to be carefree, happy, peaceful. I see him and see the things that breaks his heart and its the same things that break my own. I see him and see that while life at times is not easy you know what it is fun if you make it be. I want to blast the music and break out into dance like he does, be the ham I once was and put on the shows. I want to be free to express all the joys, all the happiness, all the love in my life.

Lately in life I am just surviving. And while surviving is good it is not enough! I want to thrive. I want to make the most of my life, my family, my friendships, my everything. I want to know that I made the most out of every day so I chose to smile a little wider, laugh a little louder, love a little harder and live a lot better! "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalms 37:4

Readers live a life filled with Lord and never settle for just surviving.

And as Always....

Be Blessed in HIM!

Learning to Survive: Surviving with Dreams

2014-05-06T08:30:00.001-07:00

Always Dream Big!!

Learning to Survive: Surviving with Dreams: Photo Courtesy of dancingcommas.blogspot.com Good morning readers. I am sitting here in my office right now waiting on some reports from...

Surviving with Dreams

2014-05-06T08:29:00.000-07:00

Photo Courtesy of dancingcommas.blogspot.com

Good morning readers. I am sitting here in my office right now waiting on some reports from work to come in and keeping my foot elevated because I hurt my ankle yesterday somehow. As I sit here in a wait mode (something I seem to have to do a lot of at work) I began to think. I try to avoid doing that in the morning because it usually makes my head hurt but well alas here I am in a nice quiet, unorganized, chaotic office and my thoughts start to wonder. In the past I wrote about a dream I had. Oh it was a wonderful dream that I needed in one of the darkest moments of my life. It was a dream I prayed would become a reality and it did! My dream was about becoming a public speaker and speaking on women's issues that have been going on in my own personal life. I dreamt of guiding women who were either struggling with their faith over an illness, over a broken marriage, over a parenting issue, over teens and their struggles. When I first dreamt this I remember (almost as if it were just last night) how happy I was when I woke up. I remember praying in that instant when I awoke and saying "God, this is what I want to do with my life!" You see up until that point in my life I was angry. I felt like why me? Why did I have to be the one that was dealt such a bad hand in life? Why did I have to be the one that had to undergo cancer (twice mind you), deployment, separation, and an upcoming divorce? Why did I have to become a single mom to three kids, why did I have to leave my home? Why did I have to leave my jobs that I loved so much? And why did I have to start my life over again? Why, why, why, why, why?????? Then I had this dream. I realized I had this dream because it was to be the purpose and the reason as to why I had to go through it all. Why I got dealt this hand in life that now I look back on and while yes it was hard, it made me the woman I am today and for that, for that I am the most grateful.

I began public speaking. I won't lie readers the thought of speaking in public terrifies me. I am not a natural speaker. But as the picture says, if your dreams don't scare you they're not big enough. I want big dreams, I want big goals, I want to be terrified yet look back one day and say: "you know what I overcame the obstacles thrown my way!" I went in thinking that with my public speaking I would bring about a change in someone's life, someone's heart, someone's marriage, someone's family and you know what readers? While I might have touched hearts of women who I have spoken to, while I have seen women come and fall to their knees at the stage praying for a healing through God I have seen a change in me. I have changed and for the better! Readers when I got my diagnosis, even though I attempted to cope through humor inside I was bitter!! When I found out my marriage was over, while I attempted to stay quiet and strong inside I was bitter!!! When I found out my ex wanted to throw away the life, the family he had and I had to go home and face my family as a failure of a wife I was bitter!!!! When I allowed reality to hit that I was not free and clear of cancer, I was now a single mom, I had to attempt to provide for my children on my own and deal with ALL the aftermath he left behind I WAS BITTER!!!!! I could not see a light at the end of the tunnel I was in and I was bitter in both my waking and sleeping hours (mind you I barely slept the first couple months back home). Then came the dream that kind of snapped me out of my depression, my bitterness. I was going to be able to help myself through my ordeal by helping others! Something I loved to do, help others.

Photo Courtesy of marcusan.net

I decided right then and there while the thought of speaking in front of others was scarier to me than any horror movie out there (I am terrified of horror movies) I was going to overcome it all in hopes of bringing about a change in my life. Now I have been a singer my whole life. I was 6 when I first stood in front of the church and in the children's choir sang. I was 13 first time I sang completely alone in front of the church. I remember being so scared and refusing to hold the microphone because my hands wouldn't stop trembling. I remember Pastor after I sang telling the congregation how little ol' me (the youngest in the youth group) was terrified and still I went up there and sang and did a great job so in order to help me overcome my stage fright told me I would sing the following Sunday another song. My eyes were huge but he held me to it and I sang again the following Sunday still scared. Then again in front of the congregation he said you did good now lets hear you again next Sunday. This went on for several weeks and by the end my stage fright was under control that I even could hold the microphone in my hand while I sang.

Now I had several speaking engagements under my belt when the coordinator threw a curve ball at me. Now I had been scared to speak in front of these women each time but this time around she said you can sing, I have heard you during the worship segment and you can sing, I want you to sing for the group. Now its been about 8-9 months since I stood on a stage to sing and I was now absolutely TERRIFIED! What was this supposed Christian woman doing to me?!?!?! Had I not already stepped outside of my comfort zone to do something that terrified me and now she wants me to sing in front of all these women? I decided right then and there this can not be a woman of God, this was some demon sent out to destroy me. I began to pray readers!! I rebuked this woman left and right. I decided maybe I needed to consult a man of God to perform some sort of exorcism or something because this woman must be demon possessed if she is asking me to step out further on a ledge that I was already standing on and barely holding onto my safety net! But alas no she was not possessed she was however very adamant about it and so I caved and I agreed to sing. I rehearsed and I rehearsed my song, I call it my anthem: OVERCOMER by Mandissa. Such a fitting song don't you think? The night before the engagement I remember being a nervous wreck, being irrational and my amazing friends and family talking me down from my hysteria. I went and sang in front of my family (they too have not heard me sing in a very, very long time). I did it. I overcame the fear and went to the speaking engagement, prayed and asked God to use me as the vessel to reach these women who had come to hear about love loss and receive their spiritual healing and He never left me! I was a ball of nerves wondering how I was going to get through this, there was no microphone stand to hold the mic and I knew these women would see my fear as my hand trembled holding the microphone but something happened readers. Something miraculous my hand NEVER shook. I went up there, I joked, I spoke, I used God's word, and then I sang. God got me through it all without a sign of fear in me. Afterwards there was an altar call and several women came forward. I prayed with them and then I said my farewells and left. It was when I was in the car that I realized what had happened and my hands shook again but in the moment God needed me to be strong and courageous for these women and so I was.

"This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9.
If we look at the Word there is multiple times in Joshua that we are told to be strong and courageous. These two words are usually associated with men and how men should be in regards to their families, their marriages, their walk with Christ but women I want us to claim this for ourselves too. God commanded HIS PEOPLE to be strong and courageous and we are His people. We all need to stand on his word when we go out to witness to others we need to be strong and courageous because times come when God asks of us to step outside the parameters of what makes us comfortable to be able to give us the blessings he has in store for us. While I have never in my life been a speaker God called me to this time and this place to bring about my testimony in order to help others. While I am loving what I do each time I am scared to do it. Singing while it is my first true love outside of my God is something I get nervous to do as well. I've been asked why and my answer is quite simple actually, I am a perfectionist when it comes to singing. If I know it is not going to be the best I rather not do it at all but then I am also my harshest critic and therefore do not see that it might sound good but I nit pick at all the flaws in it all. But God knows this. He also knows what exactly someone needs to hear and my story was needed in that place at that time, the lyrics to the song were needed in that place and in that time and so therefore God placed me there.

Readers always dream big and trust God to make your dreams come true. Always dream dreams that scare you because those dreams are going to be the best ones for you. Always trust in God to help you through your fears and bring you out on the other side better than before. "For nothing will be impossible with God." Luke 1:37

Readers dream big, the sky is the limit. Allow God to make your dreams a reality and as always...

Be Blessed in HIM

Learning to Survive: Surviving By Finding the Real Me

2014-04-22T09:02:00.001-07:00

Learning to Survive: Surviving By Finding the Real Me: Photo Courtesy Evy Alicea Hi readers! Its been a bit and life has gotten more and more blissfully hectic. I say blissfully because when ...

Surviving By Finding the Real Me

2014-04-22T09:01:00.000-07:00

Photo Courtesy Evy Alicea

Hi readers! Its been a bit and life has gotten more and more blissfully hectic. I say blissfully because when life gets hectic sometimes its great to let the hectic take you and make you forget the bad that has happened. Lately the hectic has been good hectic and it has outweighed the bad for the most part.

So I have discovered something wonderful readers and I want to share it with all of you that have been a part of my journey with me. I have discovered this wonderful person that means the world to me. This person is someone I actually used to know but lost track of over the years. This person is someone that meant so much to me and yet I lost them years and years ago. I'm happy to have this person back in my life and I would love to introduce you to them readers if you would allow me. Is that ok? Well look to the left of your screen. Do you see that gorgeous, absolutely radiant, positively splendid woman there? Yes this is she. Her name is Evy and she is a dear and close friend I lost around 15 years ago.

You see she was fun loving, she loved to be silly, she loved to let life take her where it would and she was always smiling! Evy back in the day could be seen driving around the streets of Orlando in her Chrysler Convertible with the top down, readers I meant the top of the car not my own, no indecent exposure violations here for me with her friends and even her Youth Group back in the day blaring one of two things on the car stereo either Carman if she was feeling in the Worship mood or her latest Boy Band (don't judge readers Boy Bands were and still are pretty darn awesome). Evy used to be the girl who it didn't matter who you were you were good with her and she was good to you. Evy had a smile to always share with anyone from her family and best friends to the stranger walking across the street (ok sometimes this backfired because the stranger would assume the smile meant she was interested in them and that was hardly ever the case... LOL). Evy back in the day would be found on a stage singing and worshipping and performing. Then Evy was lost. It was sad to lose her. She had to be the strong one, the responsible one, the one to put her foot down, or even the bad guy.

For the past several months almost a year I have been trying to find Evy. I almost hired a Private Investigator to locate her and put out an APB on her. Maybe place an ad to find her? She was so lost and so hidden. But with much prayer, much searching I have found her! She is back and while she no longer has her top down (seriously people stop giggling I'm talking about a car) she can be found blaring the music in her car with her new crew of her three children still singing and dancing to either worship and gospel music or her infamous Boy Bands (quit hatin' y'all) and while she has not stepped foot on a stage in quite sometime to worship she still sings her heart out to God every chance she gets wether in the car, in her room, while she is working in her office and of course the shower with the brush as her microphone (yea there she fully rocks out!)

"For everything created by God is good" 1 Timothy 4:4. God created me with a purpose. A purpose I had allowed to fall to the side. A purpose that when I had reached my lowest lows I did not want to achieve or accomplish. Through this blog I have received speaking engagements. Something that God made a purpose for me because of the battles I have faced in my life. These speaking arrangements have given me the ability to reach women who have struggled and are still struggling through hardships and pain like I was and have. I have been blessed to have teens that I have worked with and feel I can start mentoring again. I have met amazing new friends and have reconnected with older childhood ones. I am glad I found Evy. I'm glad she is back and I pray and I hope I never lose her again.

Readers thanks for meeting Evy and as always....

Be Blessed in HIM!

Learning to Survive: Surviving Through the Normal and the Mundane

2014-03-25T13:52:00.001-07:00

Learning to Survive: Surviving Through the Normal and the Mundane: Photo Courtesy of Evy Alicea "I wear a fez and a bow tie now, fezzes and bow ties are cool!" Readers life sometimes throws h...

Surviving Through the Normal and the Mundane

2014-03-25T13:48:00.000-07:00

Photo Courtesy of Evy Alicea

"I wear a fez and a bow tie now, fezzes and bow ties are cool!"

Readers life sometimes throws hard times in our way. Life sometimes throws cruel and unusual punishment our way. It sometimes just downright sucks, its ok I can say suck and still be a good Christian Woman, I checked! LOL.

But sometimes life throws at you just plain mundane and normal life. If you are anything like me and you get these plain and mundane life situations ALL THE TIME you would beg even for the cruel and unusual punishment in life just for some excitement and some adventure to come your way. Lately life threw it all in my face. I had the hard times, the cruel times and the mundane and utterly boring times! It was tortorous!! I couldn't stand it. Every day the same routine. The same routine!! I felt like I was stuck in that Bill Murray movie "Groundhog Day" where every day was exactly like the one before!

Bill Murray practiced and learned living the same life everyday to get the love of his life, a sweet and noble gesture, but as Bill did before he saw the miracle that was to live everyday the exact same way I too would have lost my mind!

Being a mom my routine is usually the same:

Wake up
Breakfast
Work
Late Lunch usually
Work
School
Dinner
School
Bed

Every now and again I got thrown a little something different like going to my sisters house or something but for the most time I lived the same day over and over again. Then Saturday came. The picture of myself in the top of the blog is me on Saturday at MegaCon! OMG was that not the funnest day ever!!!!

So my kids and I went to MegaCon which for those of you that do not know it is a convention for practically everything fandom! Walking Dead, Animes, Comic Books, Sci-Fi, of course my favorite: Doctor Who! And we went with a large group. Lets see putting us all together we were 13 of us!!!!! Then I got to run into old friends from High School that I had not seen since I moved to Texas the first time, new friends that I have met through my fandom of Doctor Who and I even met my all time favorite actor that appeared on Doctor Who: John Barrowman and he was so nice and funny and can I say Va Va Va Voom!!!

Photo Courtesy of Evy Alicea

This is us together! Aaahhhh!!!! I know, I know you all are jealous now, but please try to contain yourselves... LOL. So anyways where was I before I got distracted by the beauty that is Captain Jack Harkness? Oh yes so there were so many people there. People of all shapes, people of all sizes, ethnicities and fandoms and they all come together and geek out together! It was the absolute best way to spend a day. Getting out and watching all these cosplayers (if you do not know what cosplay is I will try to contain myself from the sheer horror of you not knowing and will explain cosplay is basically playing dress up but in a much cooler fashion). The cosplayers were incredible. My daughters included did an amazing job on the costumes and makeup and it was so much fun trying to spot the characters you know. If you like anything remotely geeky I recommend you go to a Convention. The amount of fun and the merchandise is astronomical and it allows for moms whether you are single or married to just not be a mom for the time being and be a fun loving geek who fangirls over her favorite actor. Like I did with my precious John Barrowman!!! Aaahhh I love looking at that picture!!!!!!!!

So breaking the mundane and the normal is a good thing. So you are a Christian. Being a Christian doesn't mean you can not have fun. Jesus partook of his share of good times with his buddies. Hey after all the first miracle Jesus performed EVER was not giving the blind their sight, or giving the deaf their hearing, his first miracle was turning WATER INTO WINE! His first miracle was cause his mama told him to do it at a PARTY none the less. Jesus partied and guess what his first miracle involved him keeping a party going so don't be the kind of Christian with a sour look on your face, living your life all mundane and normal ALL THE TIME! Jesus came to earth to give you a life full of different things including FUN! So go out, have some good ole fashion fun with your kids, your spouse, your significant other, your best friend and live the life Jesus came to earth and died for to give you. Live a life that is full and as the Doctor said... "We're all stories in the end. Just make it a good one".

Readers thank you for taking the journey with me. This one was fun!!!!!!

And as always....

Be Blessed in HIM!!!!!

Learning to Survive: Surviving the Mourning

2014-03-13T10:43:00.002-07:00

Learning to Survive: Surviving the Mourning: Photo Courtesy of xcomment.com Today is difficult day readers. Fifteen years ago today I walked down the aisle... I have been writing...

Surviving the Mourning

2014-03-13T10:43:00.000-07:00

Photo Courtesy of xcomment.com

Today is difficult day readers. Fifteen years ago today I walked down the aisle...

I have been writing this blog for a while now and every year on my anniversary I write about how I walked down the aisle to marry my best friend. I write about the love that I felt that day and the days that passed but this time, that is not the case. This time I am not going to write about how I hear birds singing every time I think of him, this time I am not going to write about how I see the sun shine brighter when I think of him. I'm not even going to write about how the flowers smell nicer, the colors are more vibrant, the air feels warm with love. Today is a hard day! When I married 15 years ago I was a young woman who was scared but anticipated all the wonders in life. I gave my life to someone who I thought would take it and walk hand in hand with me throughout this life. I thought I was beginning a great adventure where I would yes have trials and tribulations but would face this hard cruel world with the one person who vowed before God, my family and friends to love me TILL DEATH DO US PART. Readers death didn't part us, selfishness, greed, lust, and even arrogance parted us.

Today I am mourning. I am spending my day mourning because while I may not think or even feel that I want what I had back I still had some great memories, some dreams and hopes that now are just gone. I had one of my best friends last night tell me that I should celebrate, celebrate me and my new life today, and while I have lots to celebrate today is not the day to do so. Am I giving power to someone who threw away a life long commitment for something that while he feels would in the end make him happy he threw away the love of a woman who was willing to follow him to the ends of the earth just to be with him, his children who loved and adored him and relished spending the fun times with him? No! I am however remembering my past. Remembering what was and mourning what never will be to give myself the closure, the strength to keep going on. Will I ever fully take this day and not cry? Not mourn? Not feel the twinge in my heart that causes me such pain? I don't know.

People tell me it gets easier. And while they are right, I have had some wonderful times and done some amazing things I feel like at times I slide back. I slide and while I took step upon step to climb out of the pit of despair I was in when my marriage first broke apart, I slide and I feel like I fall to the bottom of that pit again. I fall and have to climb back up. I feel like some days my life will ONLY consist of me working to get out of the pit and I get tired. I am tired of the work, and I feel like I just want to say that I give up! I can't do this anymore!! And yet everyday I am back to the ladder climbing, reaching, praying and hoping one day not only will I be out of the pit but the pit itself will be closed and sealed and I never slide down again. I look at this picture attached to the blog and it is so right. I thank xcomment.com for verbalizing it so perfectly, "A Broken Heart is a sign that it wasn't meant to be." I wanted to grow old with someone, I wanted to cherish the good years with someone, I wanted to watch my kids grow up, graduate High School and College, find their dream job, fall in love, get married, give me grandchildren as beautiful as them with someone. I thought I knew who that someone was but life and God have different plans for me.

I'm not saying I know I will never find true love again or I guess true love for the first time because if the last one really was true love than it wouldn't have fallen apart but I just have to wait for my Knight in Shining Armor, My Prince Charming, heck my MAD MAN IN A BLUE BOX (My fellow Whovians would get that one) to come and sweep me away. But today, today I sit here and spend my quiet time crying, mourning, praying, longing, healing my heart.

“Do not let your heart be troubled. You have put your trust in God, put your trust in Me also.” John 14: 1.

I have my trust in God and he will bring me to a better place.

Readers thank you for the love, the support, the prayers and even the words of encouragement and as always...

Be Blessed in HIM

Learning to Survive: Surving Falsehoods

2014-02-27T11:34:00.001-08:00

Learning to Survive: Surving Falsehoods: Photo Courtesy of favim.com Readers its been a roller coaster of a ride. The holidays came and they were great since for the first time ...

Surving Falsehoods

2014-02-27T11:33:00.000-08:00


Photo Courtesy of favim.com

Readers its been a roller coaster of a ride. The holidays came and they were great since for the first time in close to 5 years I got to spend the entire holiday season with my family. That was fun. But with the great times I had with family there was also the fact that while I had spent holidays away from my ex it was always that well he was in training or deployed not that he was spending them with the new family he was replacing us for.

Well while it was hard I still kept myself going strong. I insisted that the crying was over. I insisted on being strong and fearless and I insisted to prove to the world and myself that I was one strong, independent woman. Wow was that the biggest falsehood I told myself. You see while I am a woman that has overcome a lot, I have overcome cancer, I have overcome separation, I have dealt with heartbreak and I have dealt with stress beyond belief I still struggled with it all.

Last night was a hard night for me. I am the type of person who dreams and her dreams are vivid, are so realistic in the way they feel, and I remember my dreams always. I have had this same dream over and over again since I knew my marriage was over. Please readers if you are reading this do not assume that I am dreaming this because I long to be back with my ex because that is not how I feel and if that is wrong than I am truly sorry but my heart was broken too much to allow it to be broken the same way again, but I feel that I gave so much of myself, my time and my energy into someone that it is not easy to fully let go of everything, including the memories even if they were not the best memories either.

Well my dream includes all the memories of my past with him. All the memories of when he told me the things a woman NEVER wants to hear from the man she loves. Like when he would tell me about my weight. Weight that I gained becoming a mother, I have three beautiful children. I was pregnant four times, we lost one baby, I gained weight with each pregnancy. Its expected. Can women lose the baby weight ABSOLUTELY, but sometimes well a woman needs help. She needs a man to encourage her and not bring her down, she needs a man who will change everything for a chance to help his wife. I was diagnosed with diabetes in my last pregnancy. While my doctor said everyone around me should change their eating habits to help me it did not happen. It took him getting seriously ill and the whole family was forced to change their eating habits because of him. While I agree a woman needs to follow her man and allow him to be the leader of the household, my diabetes could have been worse and caused me my life but that was not the change he wanted and therefore not the change that occurred.

Another falsehood memory was how unattractive to him I was. OK readers I am not trying to toot my own horn here so please do not assume that. But I believe that EVERYONE has an attractive quality about them. I would tell him how attractive I thought he was. This sometimes (ok more than sometimes) led him to have a swollen head ego. One time we argued because according to him I was not taking care of myself to keep his interests. We had three small children at the time, I was a stay at home mom and not only to my three children but my sisters three children as well. He said but you think I am so attractive. I told him the reason he was so attractive to me in my eyes was because I was in love with him. You see sometimes you meet someone and you look at them and they are the most attractive person you have ever seen. They have the physical attributes you want in a mate. Gorgeous really but then you get to know them and their heart or brain even is not attractive in any way. Then this person no matter how gorgeous their outer appearance was they no longer look the same way to you. Then you meet someone and you might not have ever thought to give them a second look but you get to know them. They stimulate your mind, their heart is genuine and now you look at them and they look to be the most attractive person ever! Well my heart was completely into this man. All I could think about was growing old, driving the nurses crazy at our old folks home with our constant bickering over if chocolate pudding was better than vanilla (yea we had those discussions regularly) and in my dream I could hear him constantly telling me how I wasn't good enough by his standards.

Then came the fact that I wasn't the wife he required. Oh God this one was the kicker. Readers I am not by any way shape or form a clean freak. I have some in my family and I know that I am not one. My house was lived in. My house is chaotic to say the least. When I got sick though he was gone. It was left upon me and my children to care for the house. I hired help but it did not seem to be completely enough. When he came home from deployment yea the house was not spotless and when he asked us to leave, yes I was angry and yes I might have allowed or not cleaned up certain things. I had to pack my three kids and myself in 4 days and leave. I was still sick, I was still fighting with something in my body that was trying to take my life little by little. I did not leave the home clean but he left my heart broken. Guess I thought tit for tat here and well I did not care and left destruction and disaster just as my heart was left in destruction and disaster. No I did not break anything but I did not care to clean up after myself or the kids. Why should I?

Then the dream went further, now I saw him with her. Oh everything he told me and whispered in my ear that I was lacking he would tell me that she wasn't. She was the perfect woman in his eyes. She was supportive of all his crazy and wild dreams (we were too but his dreams usually required a sacrifice on our lives such as him leaving a job without another one lined up, him trading a car paid in full for his sports car he couldn't afford, him enlisting and we leaving everything behind), she is in his eyes the model of sexiness to go along with him, she is the woman who can maintain a house the way he wants. All these things may be true about her, but they are falsehoods to me. You see while I and my children supported his EVERY whim he was the type that could not be happy. Always seeking happiness in the next best thing. While I may have gained weight I did lose weight too. I may not right now be at my goal but I can get there and I know that I am attractive because there is attractiveness in a woman who can hold her head high, who can be independent and strong, a woman who has found her voice and her place in this world. And while I live in chaos usually my children are happy, there was always laughter to be found in my home and there will be again. So not everything will always have its place BUT I can honestly say in my home there will always be a place for laughter, joy, acceptance, peace, loud music, dancing, Doctor Who (can't forget that one), love and most importantly God.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well." Psalm 139:14 NIV

God I know you made me to be the woman I am. The mother that I am. To have the heart that I have and be the daughter, sister, friend that I am. I know I am not perfect. I know I have flaws and make mistakes. Lord help me though to understand that when I do make my mistakes there is always forgiveness in you and there is always a way to make things right through you. Heal my heart, my mind and my soul. Lord it has been a long while now that I have felt defeated yet I know you are by my side. There is no problem greater than you and I want to face my problems knowing that you are the one by my side guiding me, leading me, protecting me. I want my legacy one day to be that I was a woman who was strong because I was weak and you gave me the strength to stand once again. Lord help me to realize and remember the falsehoods thrown my way and remember that with you I can overcome any and all obstacles. Help me to remember that I may not be perfect but the end of my marriage was not because of me. It was the actions of others that led to the fall. Lord please carry me now when I have no strength to carry myself any longer. AMEN

Readers thank you and as always

Be Blessed in HIM

Learning to Survive: Surviving Through Hurt and Pain

2013-12-09T10:25:00.001-08:00

Learning to Survive: Surviving Through Hurt and Pain: How do you get past the hurt and the pain and forgive?

Surviving Through Hurt and Pain

2013-12-09T10:24:00.000-08:00

Photo Courtesy of Evy and Bitstrip

Well readers its been a long time. I have had a whole lot of healing to do. I do not think I have healed all that much though. I have been going to counseling and man is it a great help. My counselor is amazing and I am so grateful for her. She has told me that my kids and I have made wonderful strides in our healing. At first I was happy to hear that. I was like well check me out just shy of 4 months and I am healing wonderfully! Go Me! Go Me!! Well readers take my advice on this. Never think you are beyond getting hurt still. Yesterday I went to church and it was a service all about healing. I may not have agreed with the entire sermon because while I go to this church because it provides amazing socialization for my children the doctrine and Theology is not always what I agree with. I am however learning why certain things have come about in the thinking of some of my loved ones because of yesterday's sermon. I don't think their thinking is completely wrong I just believe it is a tad on the radical side and while I am all for being radical for God when you add other things you are going to go over board on being radical that I have to disagree with. But I digressed as I tend to do. At the end of the service their was an alter call. Not the typical if you want to invite Jesus into your life alter call but the come and get prayed for in your healing. My niece and sister convinced me to go forward, I am not one that likes to go up to the front, and when one of the ladies came to pray for me she asked what I needed healing for. I told her I had cancer. She prayed for me.

While she prayed for me over the cancer I prayed for my heart. I prayed for healing of my heart. I wanted and have desperately needed to have my heart healed. I cried and cried and asked God please God please heal my heart. I wanted him to ask for forgiveness. Readers be careful what you ask God for cause He will give it to you. I had a hard day yesterday. I dealt with a family situation that escalated out of control and while I love and adore my family deeply it hurt to see my children sad over a situation that should never have escalated like it did. Then I went to dinner at my sisters house. I love going there. I am always at peace when I am there. While we sat in the living room watching a movie after dinner my ex texts. He is ready to finally talk.

We talked about everything from what our plans are for our income tax returns to the divorce and even his vistiation and communication with the kids. We talked, we talked, we talked. He even asked that the kids and I forgive him because while he knows that he is happy in his new life he knows he went about it the wrong way. I want to forgive him. Really I do. I asked God for him to admit he did wrong and ask for forgiveness and now that he did my heart wont let me forgive. I hate this! I feel like I am disappointing God because He kept up with his part and I couldn't.

I am in a place in my heart that I feel like I can not escape. I want to forgive I want to be the person who can look past this but I can not. Why can't I? I depend on God and He has helped me so much so why can I not give it up to him now?

Photo Courtesy of Evy and Bitstrip

"For the word of the Lord is right and true;

he is faithful in all he does.
The Lord loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love." Psalm 33: 4-5 NIV.

I need to be able to see that God has kept up with his end of the bargain and I have to keep up with mine. But how do you forgive when your heart hurts so much? I am past the anger but the hurt and pain I am not past. I am struggling so much in my heart. I struggle with the fact that I gave myself and my heart, my life to someone else to not only have it all thrown to the waste side but to be replaced and be ok with this. I want my life back. I thought I was beginning to get it back but I am not. I am still struggling. Pray for me readers. Pray that I can forgive, I can get past the pain and the hurt to get my life back.

And As Always Readers......

Be Blessed in HIM

Learning to Survive: Surviving Single Motherhood

2013-10-21T12:11:00.004-07:00

Learning to Survive: Surviving Single Motherhood: Photo Courtesy of Angelisse Perez OK readers aren’t my babies the most adorable kids ever? Well as you all know I am going thro...

Surviving Single Motherhood

2013-10-21T12:11:00.002-07:00

Photo Courtesy of Angelisse Perez

OK readers aren’t my babies the most adorable kids ever? Well as you all know I am going through a divorce right now. Actually I am separated because so far no divorce has been filed and well I am perfectly fine with that. I am in absolutely no rush to be honest. But this impending divorce does have me now raising these three treasures as a single mom. Well I adore my kids and so being a single mom is hard but it is worth it to have my kids. I think of my ex husband and feel bad for him really because I get to be with these guys every day. I wake up to them, I go to bed after saying good night to them, I talk with them everyday, I play with them everyday, and I get to just be with them everyday!

But its hard I wont lie. I mean everyday its me. I have a great support system in my parents, in my sisters, my brother in laws, my nieces and nephews but I am mom. I am the one that is ultimately responsible for the well being of these kids, I am the one who is responsible for making them into model citizens and good Christians. I am the one to wipe away the tears, lift them back up when they are down, I am their biggest cheerleader, and I am the one who has to well break the news to them when things might not go their way or the way they wanted things to go.

I am mom. I want to be their friend but that is not what God has called me to do. He entrusted me these three beautiful, smart, strong and even silly kids in my care to raise them to know Him and know about Him and speak to others about Him. I am the one who one day will stand before God and be accountable for what I did in their lives. Did I instruct them properly? Did I guide and love them? Did I do right by them?

Being a single mom is not easy. I never fully understood all that it entailed. There are days when I want to be selfish and think about me and me alone but I cant. I have to ALWAYS put them first. I have to be the one who is the bad guy and tell them they can not have something they want or do something they really want to do. I am the one who has to discipline them when they act the fool in public or even in private. I am the one who has to be the parent, not just the mom but the mom and the dad too. When I was with my ex I could say: Wait for your father to come home, or say go ask your father, or even tell him go deal with your kids before I have a full on nervous breakdown. I had a cushion to lean on. Now I am the one to do it all. Just this past week the kids were blessed with tickets to go to Disney World and to Universal Studios. It was a great thing for them but they left without doing chores, without taking care of their school work, without taking care of their responsibility of their dogs and mom here had to go nuts trying to get my school work done, get my things situated and try to even take care of all three dogs in the process. I had to lay down boundaries and ground rules. I hated that I had to do it but I feel good about my mothering skills that I did it. I can not always be the good guy and there will probably be days my kids would prefer their dad over me because I am the one here and placing all the rules on them and he will seem like the better parent because as Queen Latifah said in my favorite movie: "Its easy not to make mistakes when you are not around".

My kids are homeschooling this year. Next year we place them in an actual brick and mortar school because it is what they truly desire but with them homeschooling things might be easier in some respects for me. One I am not having to be the mom taxi to all three of them and their activities. I am not the one trying to juggle on Open House day which child’s teacher I meet and which one I do not even get to because there is not enough time for it. I am not the one having to pay $300 for an activity that they want to do. But with homeschooling we are together 24/7 and there is a lot that goes into that. I mean moms we need our time away. We need to unwind in order to not be overly stressed and dealing with so much problems. We need me time! Me time does not seem to exist very well when you home school, when you are a single parent, and especially when you have three larger than life personalities who all want your attention especially when you go into that glorious shower and even at the age of 14, 12 and almost 11 they are knocking on the door asking you questions.

But all in all I am happy I get to be the one they are with. I love my children. I love how funny they are. I mean look at this picture, they are hilarious! I love how smart they are. Just today my son asked for help in his Bible class. He had to read Genesis 13 and answer some questions on it. He struggles still with reading and comprehension and so to help I read to him aloud the chapter after he tried it and asked him the questions on it. Can you believe his memory? He was able to quote back the Bible to me and I was the one holding it not him! I love that their individual personalities are forming and my oldest she is a smart, sarcastic, brilliant and even caring soul. She loves and loves passionately cosplaying and can become a character that is nothing like her real self and be outstanding. My middle one is hilarious! She can come up with jokes faster than anyone I know. She is descriptive in getting her point across and she is fabulous in her fashion sense. She has lost a bit of her confidence throughout this divorce but I pray through the counseling she gains it back. My son is amazing. For a kid who has battled with being different all his life he is intelligent. He was diagnosed at the age of 7 with ADHD and now just this past year we found out that he also has a high functioning autism. Some look at him and say he is not autistic and that gets me mad. What does autism look like to begin with? Why is it such a bad thing that I tell you my son has autism? I am not going to let that diagnosis define him but I need to learn how to help him through it. He can memorize anything especially if it is about the Bible. He is funny too. He is energetic but that of course is his superpower from God. He is caring and sweet.

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6ESV. My job as a mother, even if it is a single mother, is to train and raise my kids up right in the Lord. Teach them to be good, to be courageous for God, to be strong in His power and His might. If I do my job right than I will be right in the eyes of God. I teach my kids to love. To not judge and sometimes I get criticism on that from believe it or not believers themselves. God said that we are not to judge others but to love them as He loves them. I have taught my kids to love others no matter their race, their age, their sex, or even their sexual orientation. For this last one is where I get the criticism but God loves everyone. God sent his only Son to die for our sins and yet we like to judge others for their sin when we sometimes need to look in a mirror and see the sin that is in us. There is no one sin that is greater to God than another and so if I were to tell a lie it is not any worse than someones sin of sexual promiscuity and this where I teach my kids not to judge others but to treat others with the same love and respect we are shown from our God. But I went off on a tangent there and maybe, just maybe I can do a blog post about that topic another day.

Readers thanks for coming along in my journey with me today and as always readers…

Be Blessed in HIM!

Learning to Survive: Survivng With The Doctor

2013-10-15T12:02:00.001-07:00

Learning to Survive: Survivng With The Doctor: Photo Courtesy of Angelisse Perez and Doctor Who is Owned by the BBC Network First and foremost can I brag a bit here? I mean readers ch...

Survivng With The Doctor

2013-10-15T11:47:00.001-07:00


Photo Courtesy of Angelisse Perez and Doctor Who is Owned by the BBC Network

First and foremost can I brag a bit here? I mean readers check this out my daughter drew this for me! Isn't she just amazing?! OK so this picture is of me! To the top left hand side is the 11th Doctor (Matt Smith) and then in the middle is the 10th Doctor (David Tennant) and then the 9th Doctor (Christopher Eccleston) and the T.A.R.D.I.S. which is the time machine the Doctor travels in and the acronym stands for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space! Oh and lastly the shirt I am wearing in the picture says I heart heart The Doctor because the Doctor is an alien from the planet Gallifrey and therefore he has two hearts! OK that was my mini Whovian lesson for you all readers.

So why is this post titled Surviving with The Doctor? Well readers I am a huge fan of the show and I began to love it more and more especially the last time I was going through chemo. You see with Doctor Who I could sit there with my kids and watch a show where good always triumphs over evil. You see I was in a dark place and to be 100% honest with you all because I have given myself the disclosure that if I am going to do this blog I am going to be 100% open and honest in what I share I am still in a dark place and its good to have something you can watch and it reminds you that well you know what good does win over evil.

When I went through chemo the first time I did not have my ex with me. I did chose to make the conscience effort to send him off on deployment and yes I got many a weird look and many an argument by those who love me telling me to ask him to come home but I stuck to my guns and had him stay in Kuwait instead. You see the deployment was not a dangerous one for him. I justified it to myself that it was better he ride this deployment through instead of coming home to be with me and then once I was better having him deploy somewhere dangerous like Afghanistan. Well I think somehow God knew it better for him to be over there too because he kept me strong in sending him when truth be told there were days he was all I wanted. But if he would have come home trust me my marriage would have been over sooner. You see it was a difficult journey and he would have just left sooner I believe. I was also in a dark place because I did not have my mom, my dad, my sisters to take care of me. They were after all in Orlando while I was in El Paso. I had an amazing support group of women and church friends who took care of me but they were not my biological family and I make it a point to mention biological because they did become family none the less. Now I am undergoing chemo again and yet I am in a dark place AGAIN. This time I am without my husband again because he chose to be away this time and permanently, this time my finances are a mess because due to the impending divorce I had to leave my job, I am dealing with hearing they are planning to get married even though, even though we are still legally married, I miss my friends who became my family, I miss having my own home and doing things my own way, I miss alone time because the three kids and I share two bedrooms so therefore I do not even get my own room as a grown woman. I am just in a dark place.

In the show Doctor Who the Doctor faces one faithful foe (he has many but the one faithful foe he has that constantly comes back into the picture) and they are the Daleks. For my readers who do not know what a Dalek is picture a very large, very angry R2D2. These Daleks are just hate rolled up into a massive metal encasement. The Daleks would be my ex right now. You see I chose to have NO contact with him, none whatsoever, but every time I am out and about making my life my own and trying to be happy I get a text message from him. It is always one of picking a fight. ALWAYS. He says hateful things that make me wonder why? What could I have done to make him hate me so much? I stood by for 14 years, many moves, many financial hardships, deployments, and even a previous infidelity and yet he makes me, or correction he tries to make me feel like well I am a terrible person and someone so horrible to be married to or even associated to. I cannot understand why. The Daleks have this saying they say constantly, incessantly and annoyingly so and it is "EXTERMINATE" and they in the show want to exterminate the Doctor and the human race which he loves so much. My ex and his new fiancee want to seem to exterminate my joy.

The Doctor also has companions he travels with throughout space and time. The companions become his friends, his family, his loves. I see my companions as my children first and foremost. They were with me through it all. Through the hysterectomy, through the move to El Paso, through the making friends, through the deployments, through the chemo, through the jobs, through the move back home after realizing my marriage is over, they have been my companions through it all. My parents, my sisters, my friends both here and in El Paso, my nieces and nephews they are my companions too. They support me, they help me, they pull me through the dark moments and they "RUN" with me when the Daleks come to attack. You see when they attack the Doctor basically turns to his companions, grabs them by the hand and tells them to: RUN.

The Doctor also gets to run away sometimes too. I wish so badly sometimes to just run away. Run away and not face the problems but just like the Doctor if I try to escape them no matter what they follow me wherever I go. You see his Tardis, his time machine, doesn't always take him where he wants to go but to where he needs to go. When I left El Paso I thought I could run away to my parents house. I could run away and have them take care of me and everything. Now do not get me wrong my parents are amazing and they are helping me so much but I have to take care of my problems. Just because I wanted to run away from my problems and thought I would escape into Mars for a nice fun vacation I had to learn and discover that there is water on Mars and aliens bent on the destruction of those humans that I love so much! That was of course a Doctor Who reference and I apologize reader if you did not get it but it is a post on the show so therefore I am making the reference.

The Doctor meets some amazing people along the way. He meets a girl who is the Bad Wolf and ultimately falls in love with her but he himself can not be with her so gives his clone him to her (weird I know) but I see this as my ex and I can no longer be together. I do not want a clone of him but one day I might just get something way better. He meets a wonderful woman who falls in love with him but he is too dense to realize it and yet she meets the right man for her (the ex of the Bad Wolf) and well they have a happily ever after. I see this in my friends who loved some one before but that love was not the right love for them so they later on had to find the right one and now they are happier than they ever will be. He meets an infuriatingly wonderful woman (I love her and her sass) and they have a great friendship but he must leave her and make her forget him for her safety. I met some amazingly wonderful sassy women who I had the best friendships with and had to leave them. As much as I hope they never forget me their lives are different from mine now. I am no longer a wife like they are and let alone an Army wife either but as much I hope and pray we will be friends for the rest of our lives I am away from them. He then meets a little girl who became his best friend as she grew up. She traveled with him, she loved him her whole life, she fell in love with her childhood best friend who truth be told I fell in love with too because he is the model of a "perfect" husband if one really existed, she gave birth to his wife (again its sci-fi so it is weird like that) and she ultimately became his family! Their story is one of my favorites of all of the Doctor Who companions and stories. I have childhood friends who I still have. I love them as they were my family and they always will be. And now he is on to his latest companion who is the Impossible Girl. Who has been with him throughout his regenerations and has saved him one way or another. I see my sister as my Impossible Girl who saves me and protects me through it all. Oh and of course there is Captain Jack who well not only makes for great TV but makes for great visuals (I have just a small crush on him... LOL)

The Doctor has so much more meaning than all of this but this is why I say I survived with the Doctor. Good prevails over evil. Love knows no bounds through time and space. Friendships may come and go but the impact and legacy they leave lasts throughout the life times.

You see when I underwent chemo the last time I was in a dark place. As I undergo it again I am still in a dark place and I love the mental relief I get when I watch Doctor Who. "On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." Matthew 9:12. I am sick. I have cancer, I am heart broken, I am down and I need A DOCTOR.

Thank you for joining along with me readers and I hope you can if you do not know about Doctor Who see what it is that I am talking about. It is a great show after all and as always....

Be Blessed in HIM

Surviving With Great Dreams

2013-10-08T17:38:00.001-07:00

Photo Courtesy of Creative Commons

I know I said last time I was going to write a blog post on Doctor Who and I am still planning on it but this dream was the best and I had to share!

I have been in love with the movie Joyful Noise and the soundtrack. The other night I had dream about the music of Joyful Noise. Oh I loved it. I was back in El Paso speaking at a woman's conference and saw all my Army Wife/El Paso friends. I was there speaking to women about overcoming and surviving this crazy Army life and how even though I no longer was an Army wife I will always be an Army sister to my friends and allowing them to learn from my experiences and my trials. The first song to open was "Not Enough" from the soundtrack. It spoke about not having enough trust in God, enough love even among the Army wife life and not enough to feel we can sustain. I spoke after this telling these women, some of which I knew and considered as my sisters and some I have never met an told them how when I was first diagnosed with cancer I didn't know but my faith was shook and I did not know if I had enough trust in God. Then I get diagnosed again after thinking I was fine and this time my husband was deploying and I thought God why me? Why did I have to go through this? Then dealing with cancer and treatment, dealing with deployment, dealing with issues with my daughter and depression, dealing with my marriage falling apart and knowing I could not fix it. I did not feel that there was enough love or trust then. Afterwards I sang "Man in the Mirror" and how I had through with Christ make a change in my life to make a change in my world. I say my world because I could not make a change in my husbands world no matter how much I wanted to, I could not make a change in my children's world no matter how much I wanted to, I could not even make a change in my friends worlds when I saw them suffer and go through things as well but I could make a chane in my world and hope and pray that the change in my world would make a change in the world of others who might go through similar situations and chose to allow God to help them as He helped me. Then I sang "Fix Me Jesus" and this one was because I have prayed this thousands of times in my situation. I have prayed for Jesus to fix my ovaries and cure me of the cancer. I pray that Jesus heal my heart and allow me to heal and forgive. I ask that he heal my mind of the self destructive thoughts I have had since my marriage has been destroyed. You see I have never been a Barbie looking girl but I have always had a positive self esteem. I have always thought well of myself no matter what the scale said, no matter what the size tag said, no matter if I had hair or not but once he left me I thought of myself as someone unworthy of love. But God is fixing me and reminding me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and he is the one to determine me worthy of love and he hasn't. Then the choir sang "He's Everything". Oh how beautiful it was! God is everything! He is who makes all things great and wonderful. He is the one who makes us happy and takes away our pain. He does it all for us! We ended the conference with the choir singing "Higher Medley" reminding us that God is higher. He is bigger and better than our problems. He does it all for us! Oh I loved it. At the end of the conference we asked women to come forward who were struggling with problems in their marriage whether due to deployment, military life, or just regular everyday life and finding themselves distancing themselves from their husband and God, we asked women who needed healing from cancer or any other illness that took over their body, we asked women to come forward if they were dealing with issues of self esteem or depression or any mental health even such as PTSD, Post Partum and that to come forward and I witnessed so many come and talk about how God spoke to them during this conference telling them they were not alone in their situation. It was beautiful seeing women of all walks of life gathering together and helping and praying for one another because now they knew they were not alone and that God cared about their marriages, their health, their emotions. All the Glory be to God that He and He alone can bring people of all walks of life and show them the common ground that they all share.

This was my dream. A dream I wish were true! A dream that I woke up from with a big smile on my face!

Readers thank you for joining me in my journey with the most amazing dream of my life and as always readers...

Be Blessed in HIM!

Surviving the Shruken Head Syndrome

2013-09-30T12:47:00.000-07:00

Photo Courtesy of Angelisse Perez

OK readers hope you are ready for this one. So you all know what I am going through. I mean my life is an open book after all or is that an open blog actually? So with the impending divorce, the dealings with my soon to be ex husband and even his current well I do not know what to call her, my cancer treatments, my life as a single mother, starting things over with no job or career, my financial struggles and well just "normal" life stuff I felt like I needed and my kids needed some professional help. I mean I am not the only one going through all of this they are too you know. They have to deal with their mom and dad no longer being in love with each other, they have to deal with the current whatever she is, they have to deal with mom going through chemo, they have to deal with growing up with a single mom, they have to deal with starting their lives all over again as well, they have to deal with the fact that mom can not afford certain things because as of yet we have not received child support, and the "normal" things of life as well.

First of all what is the "normal" things in life? I mean I can honestly say I know NO ONE that lives a normal life. Readers if you believe you are one of those people who live a normal life please enlighten me because I have yet to know what a normal life is.

Anywho to return to my blog post. So I found an amazing counselor for not only myself but my children too. I think she is just down right awesome. First off for those readers who personally know me you know I am a WHOVIAN. For those who do not know what a Whovian is let me enlighten you right quick. A Whovian is a fan of the show Doctor Who on the BBC America channel. OMG readers I absolutely love this show and fell in love with it last time I underwent chemo. I think maybe tomorrow I might blog about why I am head over heals in love with the show, but that is a blog post for tomorrow. On to our counselor for today. She not only is a Whovian she is a nerd, geek at heart. She loves the music my daughters listen to, she loves Anime, she loves my Kiki's sense of humor, and that she was able to make my Jordan talk! This is a big deal because he down right refused to go to counseling. He did not want to express his feelings at all in regards to the impending divorce or the state of our relationship in any way, shape or form. She did not make a break through in regards to healing his heart but she made a break through in getting him just to talk to her. So we all talked at first together with her. She got to know us just a little bit, asked really broad questions in regards to our aspirations in life and even our goals with therapy and then she split us up.

Now Lissy and Kiki went and talked individually to her. I do not know what they said because of confidentiality but that is good. I want my kids to trust her and be able to open up their feelings to her and I think she will be good for them. I mean she is young, she likes stuff that they like and she genuinely shows compassion towards them. When it was Jordan's turn I was allowed to sit in on his mini session because he was afraid to talk to her. He did however feel at ease when she mentioned he didn't have to talk about anything he did not want to talk about. She told him how she would play games with him, they will color together (which they both agreed was good because neither of them can draw really well but coloring is the next best thing) and he could even talk to her about how he wants to grow up to be a preacher and give her cool Bible trivia as well.

Then it came time for my private session. When I first left El Paso a part me was thinking this could be temporary, if my ex husband (and I keep trying to use this term because I need to allow my heart to learn this term) asked us to return I would have done so, but now I know, I know my situation is permanent. I know that I will no longer be Mrs. Perez but that from now on I will be Ms. Alicea. I couldn't believe it, when I realized I will no longer be an Mrs but just an Ms. At first my heart took another break and stab but then well this is my life, I can not change what has happened but I sure can mold what will be. I used to be sad. I used to wonder what I did wrong. I used to pray to God please not only heal my heart but his and bring our family together again. I used to. I still pray that God heal my heart. I still pray that God heal his heart but the difference is I do not pray that our family be restored. I pray that GOD'S WILL BE DONE. I pray that God allow me to see the wonder around me, that God allow me to see the goodness around me. I pray God allow me to stop being angry. But I know I have every right right now to be angry. I was told by my ex and his whatever that I am an angry woman. They said this to me like I was not entitled to be angry or have a right to be angry. I even told the counselor this. I told her how I used to be sad but now my sadness over my marriage is over and what lies there is anger. My ex told me that it is hypocritical of me to be angry and claim to be a religious woman. That I just want to play the victim. Well that is far from the truth I tell you readers.

My counselor did not bat an eye when I told her why I was angry. I mean when you are financially cut off completely and have to figure out how to survive with no money and three kids you have a right to be angry. When you spent 14 almost 15 years with someone, stood by them through two hospital stays, three children, multiple jobs, multiple places to live, enlisting later on in life in the Army, learning this new lifestyle to support them, two deployments, cancer and treatment dealing without them in order to protect them from seeing it all you have a right to be angry. She understood this and her words were sweet but I took comfort remembering what my Pastor from El Paso once said that "Christians can be angry over injustices because God is angry over injustices as well". When my kids can not have what they need because all the money is spent and I can not get a single penny that is injustice, when after sticking by the person in the good and the bad and waiting nine long months for them to return on deployment only to have them kick you and your kids to the waste side that is an injustice, when my children have had to wait over a month for their precious treasures that they had to leave behind because it could not fit in the trailer when we came and their father is "too busy" to send it that is an injustice and when I have to undergo cancer treatment all while dealing with worrying about finances, worrying about what my kids are having to feel during this time of the impending divorce, worrying about when I will be able to pay this or that and if my car will be reposed because he will no longer help that is an injustice. When my children have to stick by my side taking care of me during chemo and again he is no where near to deal with my sickness and he is the adult that is an injustice. I have the right to be angry. I have the right voice my mind whether they feel I am right or not, I can still be a Christian woman and be angry at them for going through what I am forced to go through. I think the worst pain I felt was being called a hypocrite because above all I feel I have maintained my faith in Christ through it all, even through my anger, because I ask God to help me heal from it all and I know that He is going to help me and it just might be through this amazing counselor we found that fits our crazy family so well.

"Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life." Ephesians 4: 26-27 MSG. I know God will take my anger away. I pray He will and God hears our prayers. I know through talking in counseling I will get my anger away. I know one day my anger will be gone in its time and in its place will be blessings that the Lord has granted me. People worry sometimes when I say I am angry but know that one I am not trying to get revenge, I am only speaking my mind. And two God is working in me. I am a work in progress and I will fall and make mistakes but with my God all things are possible and so I know my anger will be taken away in its right time. I believe what I am going through is an injustice, and so therefore my anger is fueling me to fight for what is right in this injustice, I am fighting for my children to get the support they need and once they do I know my God will replace my anger with joy because I will be happy seeing my kids taken care of. Readers do not fret over me thinking I am allowing anger to be my only emotion because I have given it to God and He will hear and answer my prayer in His perfect time.

Readers thank you for going through this journey with me and as always

Be Blessed in HIM