A Very "Public" Personal Journal

30 Day Blogging Challenge or Sorta!

2013-02-06T20:18:00.001-06:00

To those who are interested in joining the fun of blogging challenges, here’s a complete list of topics for my 30 Day Blogging Challenge:

Now, I don’t think I will be able to do one a day but I will defiantly try… I will start with Day today Feb. 6 2013 and try to catch up!

Day 1: Favorite Song

Day 2: Favorite Movie

Day 3: Favorite Book

Day 4: Favorite TV Program

Day 5: Favorite Quotation

Day 6: 18 Things People Should Know About You

Day 7: 5 Things You Couldn’t Possibly Live Without

Day 8: A Letter to the 8 Year Old You

Day 9: A Photo That You Took

Day 10: What You Want To Be Remembered For

Day 11: A Photo of You Taken Recently

Day 12: Your Favorite Word From Another Language

Day 13: A List of 25 Things You Want To Do In Your Life

Day 14: A Place You Want To Spend Your Last Vacation In

Day 15: Your Worst Habit

Day 16: What Made You Cry Recently?

Day 17: 5 Things That You Want To Receive For Your Birthday

Day 18: A Time When You Felt Passionate and Alive

Day 19: A Special Talent of Yours

Day 20: A Song You Want to be Played at Your Wedding

Day 21: A Website that Made A Big Impact in Your Life

Day 22: A Weird Habit of Yours

Day 23: List 5 Persons You Want to Spend Your Last Day With

Day 24: Five Songs that are Currently on Top of Your Playlist

Day 25: List Your 3 Best Bargain Deals

Day 26: Someone You Miss the Most

Day 27: A Physical Feature that You Love

Day 28: Describe Your Ideal Man/Woman

Day 29: Your Plans and Goals for the Next 365 Days

Day 30: Why Do You Love Yourself?

Some days we just feel down…

2013-02-06T19:23:00.001-06:00

I wish we would never have these type of days, you know the ones where we feel so down in the dumps that nothing can make it a better day. I wish there was a genie that would come and make the day better… But, we are all human and we will have these days. I try not to let myself have a “pity party” because life is way to short but COME ON who are we kidding??? I guess for me I get down because I tend to keep everything inside. All my emotions all what I am feeling stays bottled up until I cant take it any more and it is like a Bomb explodes. I need a way to vent, so I plan on writing my thoughts here. So in the future I can always look back and see where I came from.

I think the hardest thing I am going through is CHANGE. Now, don’t get me wrong I love change but my life changed wayyyyy to fast. I was a working mom, 40 hrs a week. I would talk to adults everyday, I felt important and I was doing a job that brought the income in. I have always been a very independent person so that was what made me happy was providing for my family. But a week before I had Laya, I stopped working and became a SAHM while my husband went off to work. Now, that is a huge change for me and to top that off a week after leaving my job I had my precious baby girl. So two life vents happened all in a span of two weeks. I really didn’t have time to adjust slowly. Which, I know its life and I need to get over it, but how do you tell your brain this. Sometimes I feel like I am not good enough and I cant stand feeling like that. Not a good enough mother, wife or heck even a friend. I wish some one would just take my hand and say “Cyndy, you are doing a good job” I haven't felt like I am in a long time and it bummed me out. I lost all my pre-pregnancy weight after Laya was born and I feel it coming back and that gets me upset. I know I am a strong person because I have always been since the day I was born I have held my head up high and never gave in, but these days I feel my spirit changing… I know I need to go to church I know I need to find the happiness in myself, but that’s harder said then done. So if you happen to browse upon this, Thank you for reading. I know I will get better and get over this feeling. I know writing my emotions will help me and you know after writing this I do feel better!!! Stay tuned for more “journal entries”

Peace, Love and Happiness

Cyn<3

Dear Jelly Belly, 13w2d

2012-05-30T20:55:00.003-05:00

Hi baby Jelly Belly,
Its your Momma, right now you are 13 weeks and 3 days old. I love you so much already. My, have you grown a lot since daddy and I found out you were growing in my belly. We found out March 22nd and we were so happy! I am glad you are doing okay. Keep growing strong and healthy. I can believe I am already in the 2nd trimester with you. It has flown by so fast!
Big brother is super happy. He comes and kisses my belly and lays his head and says "night night" He loves you very much. I am warning you baby he is a little firecracker. lol. :) Also I am thankful for your big sister up in Heaven for helping design you just like she helped design brother. But no fair she knows if you are a boy or girl and we still have to wait about 6 more weeks. I have an idea BUT I can also be completely wrong as well. We will see, No matter if you are a boy or girl I promise you that you will be loved by us. :)
We also have your name picked out. I love you Jelly belly! MUAH! You are going to be my little fall baby! Talk to you later.

Love, Your Momma!

The Most BitterSweet Day of the Year.

2011-02-28T21:29:00.000-06:00

Words cannot express how much I miss her, I much I want to kiss her, hold her, smell her and hug her. She was my first born, my love, my life and no one will ever take away the love I have for my daughter. Heaven Laya, what a proper name for her, and to think I had this name picked out since I was in middle school, It was like God was preparing me for MY angel. She was given her wings when I was only 25 weeks pregnant w/ her, March 1st 2007 was the hardest day of my life.

August 26. 2006 My husband and I said our I Do's... a couple weeks later we found out we were pregnant and our Due Date was June 14, 2007, It seemed pretty fast but we were ready for anything. I was still shocked the whole time, I was scared that I wouldn't be able to be the mom that i dreamt of being.

February 14, 2007 We had the privilege of finding out what our "babybaby" would be... when the doc said it was a girl We couldn't be more thrilled... her name would be Heaven Laya.

My baby girl.

By this point she was moving full swing and i loved to see her move in my belly. It was like experiencing a beautiful painting being painted. It was breathtaking, I would imagine all the things that me and Heaven would be able to do, shopping, cheerleading, singing like no one was watching, she was going to be my best friend. The daughter i could play with her hair and play dress up with. I wanted to be the mom that she could talk to and tell me her boy problems and I wanted to help her be the better her...

Then the morning of Tuesday February 27, i didn't feel her move as she usually did. In my head she was just extra sleepy. I never thought anything was going to happen to my precious baby girl. but I told my husband that If she wasn't moving by the next morning I was gonna go to the Doctor to get her checked. Well that next morning, my mom, my Husband and I went to the ER.

All i remember was them using that cold heart detector thing on my belly.........

no beautiful sound.

nothing. No something has to be wrong, I wanted to yell at the Nurse "your heart thingy is broken, go get one that works" but i stayed calm, I somehow felt a peace in my heart. They wheeled me to the ultrasound room, It was dark and quiet and i layed down on the crinkly LOUD paper.... i didn't want to look at the screen and I don't think the tech wanted me to either....

seconds felt like century's... all i wanted to know was if she was OKAY.... I tried to read the techs face, but he was blank as stone. I didn't know what to think. I felt so helpless and out of control, Like no one was on my side. I saw my husbands face ( he was looking at the monitor) and i saw tears running down his face, and i knew i had lost her.

The Tech wasn't allowed to say anything to us, so they wheeled me back to the L&D room. No one had said anything to us. We were all confused (my mom, my husband and I) and we just wanted answers... Then that (insert curse words here) doctor came busting in the door and said something like "so since the baby is passed away you can have it now or you can wait a couple of days." wohhh wait whatttttt???? i couldn't even process the words, i had lost my daughter? she was gone?

I cried for what seemed like days, my mom and husband tried to comfort me, but i was also worried about them, i mean they to lost a daughter and a 1st granddaughter.

Thoughts crossed my mind... was it my fault, did i eat too much, did i not eat enough, did i sleep wrong, did i lift something i wasn't suppose too.
.......then just like that BAM!!!
Peace filled my heart and i heard the softest voice "Please I needed her more than you did on earth, don't worry she is in the arms of your saviour and One day when I call you up to be with me she will be there waiting for you as will I" I was in peace, I saw people worry for me and I told them not to. I knew where Heaven was and i knew she had duties to fulfill. She will forever be my angel.

It doesn't mean I don't think of her, Miss her.. but i know i will see her again. The Next day was the hardest knowing that I am not pregnant anymore. and I had to have her just like if she was an alive baby. I went through the contractions and through all the pain of having a baby, but i didn't get to see my reward, not for a long while, But I am OK with that..... March 1. is a bitter sweet day for me. I miss her so much and I wish she was here but i know she has duties of an angel to attend to. :)

Happy 4th Angel Day Baby Girl

I know she watches over us and I know she helped design her baby brother... I miss you Heaven Laya, and I cannot wait to see you soon. Muah

Love, Your Momma...

A Little Faith Goes A Long Way...

2011-01-27T01:18:00.000-06:00

As I sit here and think about my life, I realize I have a lot to be thankful for... I may not have A lot of money or even spending money and I might have to live paycheck to paycheck at the moment... but i have my health, my awesome baby boy (who by the way is no longer a baby) and a husband who I am blessed to have. I go through out my day saying "Oh I wish I had that, I wish I had this" bur would i be happier with those things? Yeah i would have the latest gadjet to talk about or be excited for the moment but would it Trully bring happiness??? I dont think so... We need to find what brings us happiness with out having to spend money...
This past Monday, We took a trip out to the Park, Oh it is so beautiful... We went to feed the ducks and have Ryan play in the awesome outdoor play area... But I got a lot out of this trip. We were spending real quality time together. My heart was so full of love, happiness and Joy... and we didnt spend a single cent.. Amazing huh? We made a promise that we would be doing these little outings more often... and I am excited for them, and i can bet you Ryan is too. :)

Ryan was totally not scared, He was feeding them out of his hand, I on the other hand, screamed when i was trying to do the same... lol

We are always ready for a picture... :)

Now the three of us.. :D

Then we walked along the river, and saw a huge tree stump and well, we decided to stick Ryan in... haha He liked it though.

And My favorite Picture of all... bc you can see his Childish JOY!!! I love you my sweet boy!!

Till next time, I encourge you to spend time outdoors with the ones you love!! <3

XOXO, Cyndy <3 :)

A Prayer From My Heart.

2010-10-13T22:51:00.003-05:00

As I look outside my box I see the clouds are gone. I wonder who made them disappear and I realize its Faith, Hope, and Love. These things only come from the man upstairs. Why does he even care for a person like me??? Who am I to worry for Lord? I need you in my life, I want to hunger for your love, I want to fight for your truth. How can I not??
You have been my savior since the day I was born. None other could of made me, Preemie, w no complications. My days of grief and heartache you have been there to catch my tears on your shoulder. I want my future to be a Godly one and my present to be a sacrifice to you. Lord, help me be more like you with a passionate heart and a soul for peace.
I want to be a great example to my son. I want him to have peace, love, patience, and kindness in his heart, soul and spirit. I want to raise him into a Godly man, A man who knows that you are his fortress and whenever he feels lonely he knows that he has the Lord of Lords guiding his every step. I want to be his example and through me I want him to see your love. Love so unconditional that not even the devil himself can shake. Lord, help me be his teacher and teach him not only his fundamentals but also the word of God. I want him to shine with your love. I want him not to be ashamed or fearful of what others might think of him. I am his teacher here on earth but you are the one teaching me.

Thank you for trusting me with a wonderful son like him. He shines with happiness and joy each and everyday. How can someone not see his precious smiling face and not believe in you. You made him perfect as can be, perfect for ME. I wake up every morning to his beautiful face and I cant help but praise your name. I now understand what joy and peace really are. I see them in his eyes when he plays, runs and even cries. I see him trust me, know me and he understands I will never leave his side. And that's how we should be with you Lord. I want to know you from the inside out. I want you to be my all in all. Show me your mercy, Hold me in your arms. Guide my way and embrace my heart.

I never want to leave your side. Life with out your love is cold, dark and lonely. Never do i want to be with out your love. Thank you for guiding my every step, Loving my heart, and refreshing my soul.

In your precious name i pray.

Cyndy

The Countdown is on!

2010-09-10T16:02:00.000-05:00

I feel like writing but i have no clue on what.... neways, i am super excited my birthday is almost near.. yay... my birthday to me is like a holiday bc well its the kick off to the Holidays... My birthday is on Oct. 1st then its Halloween at the end of the month, then my moms bday Nov. 8th, then Thanksgiving... then Christmas and New Years... so it goes by super fast. I am excited though I hate the cold weather but the Holidays are my favorite time of the year. I love when you walk into Target or Walmart and they have Christmas trees on display, and all the hustle and bustle and they smells and all that... i loooove it so much... and its sad when its over but at least i comes back... Neways back to my bday.. lol well i "plan" on going to the valley to celebrate it over there... and since my bday is on a Friday and my alumni high school will be playing our rival Edcouch Elsa i think i might want to go to the game... =] i haven't been to a EE game in i think almost 4 years... crazy... i am excited though.. then maybe to the beach saturday if the weather is alright. I will be the big 24... aye that sounds so old... lol. but i don't really feel that old. do i look it?? mmm thats for you to decide. lol.

Ryan is getting so big and smart, everyday... He loves to mimic everything we do... if we move our head with music he will do it as well.. if we dance to the rhythm he will as well. any noise we make using our mouth he will try to copy it and usually does. I just love him so much and i am blessed to have him in my life. thank you Lord...

well, this was a real quick entry.. i just wanted to say hi.. <3 feel free to follow so you can know more about my thoughts and stuff.. also you can ask me questions on Formspring. http://www.formspring.me/CynLove23 click on the link to follow me... =] ok well i will ttyl

Love ya, Cyn

WOW, where has the time gone.

2010-09-02T00:01:00.000-05:00

Wow, my son is growing so fast. He learns new tricks good and bad each and every day. I am excited to see him walk around and play and smile like there are no worries in the world, and for him there isnt any... I cant believe how blessed I am to have such a happy fun baby. He brings joy to my life in all that he does... Just recently he learned to say "NO", not just saying it but using his finger and all... its so cute i cant help but smile when he does it.. I know its wrong but Its`to stinking cute... =] Sometimes I wish i could read his mind, just to get a glimpse of what he is thinking, i just hope its happy thoughts, fun happy thought. I plan on blogging my thoughts and feelings so that one day Ryan can go back and read all this and know how much he is loved... even at those times where he might think i am the worst person in the world.. Hope you will enjoy reading my blogs... thanks.

XOXO, Cyndy <3