Roxy

Who knows?

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 20:05:00 +0000

06Oct2010

My hubby and I were planning to go somewhere next weekend. Little did he know that while telling him my ideas of the places I wanna go, it makes me so nervous because maybe next weekend who knows we would get the worst news…?

I haven’t received anything regarding my application… Who know maybe next week, we wont be able to enjoy our trip because I have to go away?

Im so scared. Until now we don’t have anything. No progress, no acceptance of application… and it has been 6 days since they received it.

I don’t know what my future brings. Am i not gonna be able to spend thanks giving and christmas with my hubby? or maybe I have to leave the country nd not see him for a long time?

I am so freaking out right now.

Justin Bieber 51 y/o Pedophile

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 20:10:00 +0000

04Oct2010

First time I ever saw Justin Bieber was on this video. I didn’t even know he was the one who sang “U smile”.

The aggravating thing about this video is I actually believed this crap. I just realized it wasn’t true when I searched for real news networks.

It’s meant as a joke obviously.

BUT SERIOUSLY, THIS ISN’T FUNNY!

Winter Breeze

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 16:02:00 +0000

03Oct2010

Ber is here. Actually like a month ago… but it just dawned on me that the ber months are finally here just because of the weather.

As I feel the cool breeze… I get so excited by getting to experience my first thanks giving holiday with my hubby and his family. The first Black friday… at the same time I get so down for thinking that I might not be able to spend christmas with them.

If I do spend christmas in Hong Kong, it would be a sad, lonely christmas… Another christmas without my hubby. Another cold christmas in the cold city.

Sleepless Nights

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 12:33:00 +0000

02Oct2010

I know for a fact that everything happens for a reason. Everything needs to be justified. For me at least… Even the slightest problem in the world I always want find a way to justify or convince myself for believing the reasons that “I THINK” is right. Maybe its a way to make me feel better.

I’ve been having sleepless nights – as I speak. It is 5.30 in the morning, I was up since 4… or maybe earlier than that. It’s like I was asleep but I wake up every 5 minutes… or so I think.

I think I know the reasons why I’ve been having sleepless nights/days – to “justify” and to make myself feel better, I am making a list.

I start with the possible reasons… Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am right. I don’t really know.

I’m a living pillow, My hubby likes sleeping so close to me.. more like squishing me. No complains though I like cuddling – Not when I try to sleep or get comfortable though… it’s hard to move when you’re locked in someone’s arms.
Our bed is too small for the 2 of us, we need a king size bed. I don’t have space to move and get comfortable.
My hips gets sore when I sleep on one side more than 10 minutes. So I roll like a washing Machine. I think it’s because I am gaining weight, I am getting heavy and when I’m asleep the pressure is on my side hips. O.o
My Right shoulder hurts. It hurts when I lift my arms up. It hurts when I sleep on my right side.
I sleep more than 8 hours.
I’m stressing about my green card application. It is still processing and I need to wait 4 more months.
We are broke. we spent most of our money on my green card application :( Why is it so expensive to be with your husband in the US? I think I know why a lot of illegal immigrants are “illegal” because not everyone could afford to get legalized. It costs a fortune to pay for the application and you’re not even sure if you will get approved or you will just have to go back to your country and forced to be parted from your husband/Family.
I need to work but I can’t till I get my application approved. I’m stressing about our bills.
I’m thinking about my Family I left back home… OR maybe they are thinking about me?
I’m worrying about the responsibilities I left back at home.
I’m gaining weight.
I don’t exercise.
I have High cholesterol.
I’m bored.
PMS???

My paranoia is kicking in. I could not think of any possibilities why I’m having troubles in sleeping.

someone Died?
I’m going to die?
Something bad happened to my Sister and my nephew?
I’ll get rejected on my green card application?
Someone is thinking about me?
I’m getting cheated on?
Something bad will happen to me?
I’ll get rejected on my green card application? Oh.. Did I type that already?
I’ll get rejected on my green card application?
I’ll get rejected on my green card application?

Okay okay. So most of my worries are about my application.

Please DO NOT judge me. A lot out there probably think that I married my hubby just for the green card. In a way, you’re right… but for the wrong reasons. I need a green card because I want to be able to work and help my hubby pay bills. I want to help, I want to be useful. I HATE BEING A BUM LIKE OTHER PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO MOOCHES OFF MONEY FROM FAMILY and FRIENDS. Most importantly, I would like to be able to live here and be with him, so we could start a new life, a family and get settled.

We tried to live in Hong Kong, I sponsored for his resident card but he is not comfortable living halfway across the world knowing that his mom has heart problems. Of course he would want to be near mom if anything bad happens.

I left a good paying job and a pretty decent life in Hong Kong just to be with him and I don’t have any regrets on that. I am happy being with him and I don’t want to be away from him anymore. We both waited one year just to be together. We both don’t want to be away from each other anymore, we waited long enough. We deserve to be together and live a normal life. If it weren’t for this immigration formalities, our life would be so so so much better and we could be more focused in saving money and starting a family.

But then, I know in the long run these hardships would make us closer and stronger.

I am so stressed right now. I think Im having a nervous breakdown. Someone please help me?

Ms. Piggylin

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 01:59:00 +0000

01Oct2010

yep, that’s what my sister and My uncle John used to call me before. It’s cute, in a way… but sometimes it gets really annoying when you are in a serious situation. But anyway, that was before… when I used to be so chubby. Not that I’m not chubby now it’s just that I lost a lot of weight the past couple of years.

I never really believed people saying once you get married and have kids you’ll get back all those weight you once lost. I think I am starting to believe it… and I’m actually gaining a lot of weight ever since I moved to Florida with my husband. Okay given that I am jobless and all I do all day is eat, sleep, go online, and then the next day it’s the same routine. I did sign up for a gym membership, I never went though, I have my reasons:

1st – I don’t drive
2nd – I can’t drive no license
3rd – I don’t have a car
4th – I don’t want to ask favors from anyone to take me there because everyone in the household is working but me.
5th – I don’t want to walk in the sunny highway of Florida – I don’t want to get a dark skin its about 3 miles from the house…
6th – I might get robbed if I walk… Just being cautious.
7th – My Itunes is messed up I can’t update my ipod, I can’t exercise without the music I like.
8th – For some reason, I feel like everyone is looking at me at the gym and I get kinda conscious about it.
9th – I don’t have a buddy I could go with and enjoy it with
10th – I get bored exercising I leave the gym after an hour

and so on.. and so forth.

Okay so maybe these reasons are nonsense… I just use it to not go to the gym. I know for sure that I should go to the gym and start losing some weight. Better yet, watch my diet and quit eating junk food and crap. I have no idea why I can’t control myself anymore. I used to be so… erms. Health conscious.

One day I was just doing a little bit of reminiscing… Before I met my hubby, I was motivated to lose weight because I wanted to look good , I wanted to impress him and I wanted him to be proud of me when we walk on the streets or at the mall or when he introduces me to his friends or coworkers… Before My hubby even stepped in the scene. I was starting a diet and was losing a lot of weight every week. I was single then, of course. I was single and looking. ;)

I had a very different lifestyle… I could say I was more likely to be what you call a single, independent, career driven type of woman. I used to love what I do, I loved my Job, I loved being independent. I came to a point where I don’t go home and just practically live at work and the gym. I just go home and sleep and do the same routine every single day… very different from now… VERY.

My Daily routine would be, I wake up in the morning at 8am eat my highfiber cereal with nonfat milk. (Sometimes soy milk), I go to work at 10am I work, I used to be home ware coordinator and assistant to the creative director on a interior designer retail warehouse… On lunch time I would go to a restaurant or foodcourt with my coworkers… I normally eat just Vegetables and meat. For desert I have mixed fruit which is papaya, watermelon and pineapple. for snack I sometimes eat my left over from my desert. Then I get off from work at 7pm. I go straight to the gym and work my ass off. Then to top it all off I spend almost 30mins in the sauna/steam room and relax. I go home feeling relaxed… I DONT EAT DINNER! instead I make myself a cup of tea and some fiber cookies. Then off to bed. Next day, it will be the same routine over and over for the whole year.

If I wake up earlier I would go to the gym in the morning and go straight to work. Then I would spend my night watching TV or surfing online. On Sundays which is my only day off would be going to the gym and having brunch with my relatives and spend time with them chatting and munching on nuts and drinking tea all day. It was fun in a way… but I got tired of it… I lost a lot of weight though which was a really good thing. I did go out clubbing and eat at restaurants forr dinner with friends but thats just like once in a bluemoon… and if I do eat something really heavy, I will feel guilty and wont eat all day but almonds then bust my ass in the gym.

So that was my life before I met my future husband. Im not saying I hate my life right now… I am more hating myself for losing control over food intake. Once I tested myself if I could resist the spaghetti meat balls my mother in law made the other week… I didnt eat dinner with them but all that is on my mind was the huge meat balls and rich tomato sauce on pasta, sprinkled with parmesan cheese. OH MY GAAAAH! I went so crazy I was eating in the middle of the night like a hungry cat. I just couldnt get my mind off it!

I wouldn’t trade my life right now with what I was doing before because I am way happy to be a spoiled wife. I just want to control myself from gaining too much weight because I don’t wanna be called ms. piggylin again! ;(

What should I do?

PS: I posted something about losing weight sometime in 2008… helped me a lot really. I can share it with housewives out there… ;)

http://foxyroxyloxy.blogspot.com/2008/07/focus-on-other-things.html

Papers

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 19:55:00 +0000

29Sept2010

I have been stressing a lot just about everything ever since… I don’t know when. For me stress is like a daily basis stress and worry about one thing to another. It’s weird but sometimes it makes me better (?)

About a week ago I sent my green card application to the US immigration services. I spent the whole week worried if they actually got it or started processing it? I did not hear anything from the USCIS until yesterday…

Apparently, the forms were not properly signed so the immigration had to send the entire package back to our house again. After all of my hard work putting every document required together… I was back to square 1. I knew something was wrong because if all was well we will hear from the immigration 2 or 3 days after receiving the application. It was a dreadful moment when I saw the rejection notices.

Anyway, I re-did the entire application and sent it off today. I checked everything over 5 times but still I’m not sure if I did it right. I know this is a normal reaction after sending the package and I also know that I am over-stressing about it. Buy hey! it doesn’t hurt to worry about things! It starts with being denied, being deported then I have to leave the country and my husband and then we would not see each other for so long then we will fall out of love then we will have a divorce then I will be miserable all my life then I will hate America then I will be lonely again.

I KNOW! that’s how far my mind goes. It’s just absolutely dreadful. I just hope everything goes well and that Me and My husband doesn’t need to be parted again. Also, it would be really nice to settle here and start our lives in a clean slate.

These are just one of the worries I actually wrote but there are million things that is on my mind right now that I am forgetting to worry about. Yes I do forget worrying about things, then if I do remember, I will worry until I forget again. I am a freak of worrying!

I know I am not making any sense right now. Don’t mind me though. This is normal, and you will see a lot of this posts in the future. I admit I am so nega about things but for me, its always better to think about the worst case scenario, that way I am prepared… But then you can never be prepared because you can’t tell what will happen in the future. OMG i have to stop.

My Husband bought me a bookmark saying “Keep calm and Carry on” as he always says… Everything will be all right and that I have to quit stressing and worrying about things. If it happens, it happens. I am thankful for having someone put up with my negativeness(?) does that word even exists in the dctionary?!. lol. Damn.

~Spero Melior ~

~ I hope for better things ~

Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 15:40:00 +0000

27Sept2010

All these years all I know is that marriage is the worse thing that could happen in your life – So I’ve been told, not only that, it is also based on my Mom’s, My Dad’s, My Sister’s and other people’s marriage failures.

My sister told me once that getting married is not the solution for everything, Getting married will ruin your life. MY Ex-boss told me once that IF you get married and you realize he’s not the “one” you will regret it and it’s worse because once you get a divorce – it will still be in the records, it will never erase everything.

My Sister was married twice. My ex-boss has never been married. My dad is a playboy. So either way, everywhere I go, every person I ask for advice, is basically saying that once you get married no matter what the circumstances are, You’re fucked.

Still it didn’t stop me. I got married in February. I realized that what these people that are saying that Marriage is not a good thing has a different meaning. What they meant was the person you are marrying is not worth it. He’s not rich, He’s an asshole and you deserve someone more than that, You can do better.

This is one of the reason why I left home. Nobody would talk to me because everyone thinks I made the wrong choice.

For now, the decision of leaving kept me from my family that are causing hatred, depression, anxiety. I may seem to be really bad for choosing to be with my Husband and his family. I had to put it this way… They left me first. They weren’t there when I needed them. All they did was treat me like shit. All they did was ignore me and my Husband. We were invisible, I was as if never existed in the family. One of my Aunt’s deleted me from facebook saying that I am so desperate and pathetic (For lying about my Marriage) I did lie about it. Only because everyone was against it. But I don’t need people telling me what to do. I am 23, I am an adult and I can do whatever I want with my life.

I was also brought up with a huge family, and knowing that I got their back no matter what happens… BUT I guess I’m wrong.

On the bright side, I gained a family that loves me and cares for me. My husband, my inlaws, and his brothers. So I am still grateful.

This is my Hubby and Me. Taken when we visited the Philippines a few days after we got married. My family made us sleep in a separate room not knowing we were already married. It’s only the beginning of our endless battle with my family.

Yes we have our problems. Yes we have different cultures. Yes we have a 7 year age difference. Yes we are so opposite. Yes we always fight sometimes that we don’t even know what were fighting about. Yes I’m childish. Yes He’s an asshole. WE ARE HELPING EACH OTHER BY WORKING THINGS OUT. We love each other and that’s all that matters.

I love my husband, he is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. SO GET OVER IT. :)

Happy Hearts Day :)

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 07:50:00 +0000

Something startled me when I came in the office. HAHA. Ok so yeah someone gave this Play Boy Underwear to me as a valentine gift, left it on my desk and showed the whole world. LOL I still have no idea who gave this to me, and whoever it is, THANK YOU! I’m definitely gonna wear this tonight… *GRIN* LOL ok just teasing.

Well today is a bit calm.. I’m going to work my ass off and finish off some things this is my only opportunity since my bosses are not around to harass me.

I know! I know its valentines day. Valentines day is special when you have someone special. I don’t have anyone special so there is no point for me to treat this day special. :)

I don't even have any plans tonight and mind you, I don’t feel sorry for myself! :) I’m just going straight home continue hauling my stuff here and there and move my furniture, do laundry. Oh yes. I am feeling a bit domesticated. I guess its normal to feel this way now that I’m living alone.

Despite me needing to cut back on my spending because I have to pay bills by myself now, I actually enjoy living alone. for the first time in my life I am actually independent. ~~I can run around naked in the house..~~ hehe :D well since it’s valentines I can be a naughty girl.

I’m obviously running out of things to write so this will be quick. Happy Valentines everyone!

I love you all. <3

Then they went Blah.

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 10:02:00 +0000

And I'm writing.. yet again, another everyday-nonsense-ramblings.

~~Some guys are born to be good in fooling around with women~~. :) Hi guys love you all. :D

I always wonder how to know when a guy really means the things he says. I’m not afraid to admit I have never had a serious relationship in my 22 years of existence and with that I never knew how to trust a guy nor to love one... I trusted a guy once and see what happened.I’m not closing my doors but one thing I learned from the whole process of love-hurt internet relationship is you could never trust guys with pure intentions. Whatever they say or do, It has always something to do with SEX.

~~Dogs. Assholes. Pigs.~~ *Wide Grin* Anyway, it’s TRUE. Even guys themselves admits they are perverts, horny and can never last a day without thinking about sex. So why worry? *Grin*

I just wanted to vent. I'm really sick of the guys who I talk to online and just plainly talks shit. Make you believe you both have this “special connection” or lure you to things he says like “Oh I will never leave you like the way he did” “I will be your friend no matter what” and soon after that sentence “but could you go topless on cam for me?” Oh yeah boy, how bout a round of applause, standing ovation..lalalala.

And then when you turn them down, that's where they start to ignore you, go invisible, turn cold you know shit like that. It’s funny how guys can get. Funny they would say or do just to get what they want.

I just wanted to meet friends not have some kind of a cyber-sex-relationship! This is absolutely outrageous!

I always liked meeting different kinds of people from all over the world. With internet, blogs, and social networking sites makes it possible for me. But now I’m thinking I’ve become dependent on it that I totally forgot we still have a so called “real world” out there, where you could touch, feel, and see how people are.

… or am I just taking this too serious?

But if its hurting me and making me feel disrespected should I not let go of it?

I thought maybe there is someone out there who’s different. But I guess I’m wrong.. They’re all the SAME.

…I don’t want to be a man-hater.. But at this point I think I am. So much for internet love eh?

He’s Back!

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 10:57:00 +0000

And I’m back to writing again. :)

This is my first take on writing a serious post after a few months… wow! I really missed writing! (Plastic –,-) LOL. Ok I was lazy! It’s either I was busy with my social life or busy with other personal things. I'm busy with both and I’m happy my life is getting pretty much exciting in some way. Let’s just say I am being optimistic and appreciative this year. Life is beautiful… and so am I. :)

I don’t really know where to start so I will write whatever comes in mind. This might be a long post so bare with me, after all, this is my blog so I can write whatever I want. :)

As many of people know, I started blogging about a year ago because of some fucked up guy (and I mean he’s literally fucked up with all his trial and stuff) I met online who literally broke my heart. The whole fucking year it was all about him, to think I haven’t met him in person and yes he was just an average western guy who battles here and there for the custody of his kids. Thinking I could be his savior from this crap going on with him. Yep I’m crazy, I’m aware of that. Anyway, as I was browsing through my past posts I couldn’t stop laughing at myself! I don’t know how many times I said “what the fuck” and “OMG, I said that!?” while reading. I just realized how crazy I was! Funny how love works eh? O.o

So 1 night I came home and of course do usual things --turn on pc, check emails etc etc… Finally after 8 long months, after ignoring me for how many months, after writing a lot of crazy things about him on my blog, after completely ignoring the cards I've sent and messages to his messenger, after flushing him out of my system, after getting OVER HIM, I received an email from him saying sorry and all that shitty “I would love to be able to talk to you again”. Please. O.o and yeah being a soft heart as I am, ~~I told him to piss off and fuck his own cock~~. LOL, Of course I’m kidding. and said.. I quote “At this stage, I'd say it would be better to just let go of things, forget about the past and move on. Its all good now. ;)”

I thought I would never get over him… But yeah, I naturally did. I guess I just got tired of waiting. I am communicating with him now not because I want him back… To set the record straight, I am not and will never fall in love with him again. This I am sure of because I know myself. Once is enough. At this stage, I will be a friend because that is what he is to me. He did apologize and that’s what matters most. There is no point of being bitter and ignore him for the rest of my life because that is just NOT ME.

What happened between us had changed my life in so many ways… Or because I was a late bloomer and it was just a coincidence that things didn’t come out the way it’s suppose to be. He had issues, I had issues but despite of it all I never stopped believing things happens for a reason. I’m confident to say my way of thinking had stepped to the next level maturity wise. The thing between us wasn’t really that big deal when you come to think of it but for me it was. I get far too close to him. I was hurt. I was rejected. And I don’t want that to happen again. So this time, I am cautious and I always make sure I don't get too attached to a person easily, because I know, I would end up hurting myself again.

At the moment, I am enjoying life. Im going out a lot and exploring things as much as I can. I don’t have anyone special but I met a lot of people online and through common friends these past few months. I’m happy and I hope I’d be able to keep this way. So.. Stalkers! You are very welcome! LOL

Till my next.

Rehab

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 21:49:00 +0000

Baby baby
When we first met I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover and my best friend
All wrapped in one with a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock that spun me around
And now my heart's dead
I feel so empty and hollow

And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you
You don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame
And now I feel like....oh!

You're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed

It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease

Damn, ain't it crazy when you're loveswept
You'd do anything for the one you love
'Cause anytime that you needed me I'd be there
It's like you were my favorite drug
The only problem is that you was using me
In a different way than I was using you
But now that I know it's not meant to be
I gotta go, I gotta win myself off of you

And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you
You don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame
'Cause now I feel like....oh!

You're the reason why I'm thinking I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed

Oh! You're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed

Rehab.wma - Rihanna

Merry Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 04:17:00 +0000

Spending good time with family...

Giving away presents.. Making people happy..

Catching up with old friends...

...Im happy. :)

.... I just want to say Merry Christmas and a pleasant new year to all!!!!!!

Twilight Showing in HONG KONG December 19th, 2008

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 16:23:00 +0000

At exactly 9.40 tonight the world stopped, my eyes focused on the big screen.

FINALLY. The TWILIGHT movie. Premieres TODAY 19th of Dec. believe it or not, I just got back from watching the movie not even changing to my home clothes, as soon as I get in my room, I plugged my cd player, put on the soundtrack I just bought from Hong Kong Records, turned on my laptop and started writing. I will, once again, update my blog because I would never ever let this pass. This is a must-write-share-my-happiness-to-the-world-thing. Despite my panic attack and a hundred things to get done and settled before I leave for the Philippines, I have to stop and savor this moment and write about this night. This is how I am addicted to twilight, and I'm sure I am not the only one, so to all of you twilight fans out there, this is, well I must say it, "OUR BRAND OF HEROINE".

So.. to start with Robert pattinson's unbelievably, unhuman, beautiful amazing character, all I could say was "oh my god oh my god oh my god" I think I said it a hundred times while at the cinema. He is just the hottest guy ever. Perfect dream boy. Music, Acting, looks, everything a guy would ever wished for, so I'm gonna be like one of those girls, Rob! BITE ME and I'll be yours forever! haha.

The movie was just as I imagined when I read the book. It is just amazing. They have done a really great job and I am hoping to see New moon soon!

Me and My friend made sure this will be a very very special night. Being a twilight addict as we are, we dressed up nicely (Just decent, not over the top) booked a table at my favorite resto Dan Ryan's, ordered food and got ourselves pleasurely stuffed then off to this Luxury cinema (Palace IFC) in IFC mall. 2 Houses in same 9.40 time slots are FULL HOUSE. I didnt expect it would be popular here in Hong Kong knowing how boring chinese people are. But it is! and I think thats great!

PS: By the way.. I mentioned earlier on this post that I will be leaving for the holidays to the Philippines, YES. I am so excited and I can't wait to see my friends and family! and hoping to see some of my blogger friends! Pilipinas, here I come once again ready to rock everyone's world out there! Cheers everyone. Happy Holidays! you could do your xmas shopping and put my name on top of your lists!

PPS: oh oh oh BY THE WAY! I am well.. Happy. No one special YET but I am just happy, I just dont want to make a same mistake and make have assumptions again I have troubles on giving my trust.. Im just being careful. I think I finally got over things and I am enjoying my life at the moment. I just can't express how I feel so I kind of stopped writing. I dont understand why I could write as many as I can when I'm depressed and abandon when Im at my happy moments. I know. UNFAIR. But what the heck. Live life to it's fullest and don't care about people who doesn't want to care about you. Fuck it, the hell with them.

Will be updating more after the holidays promise!

xx

I'm fucked up badly.

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 05:15:00 +0000

Too Lost In You - Sugababes

Sitting here, mind wandering, staring blank,
I'm at awe to be completely frank.
Heart pounding, hands shaking,
this is how it is affecting,

My heart became weak, my mind is not functioning.
My mind says move on,
I tried to believe you moved on, that you are long gone,
My heart says carry on,
found myself hoping, still holding on.

It's best to think this way,
God gave me this role to play,
You are my friend, a friend I wouldn't dare leave,
Cause, I have a goal, I'd like to achieve,
to make you happy, to make you feel better,
to support you, to fight for you,
to be your umbrella, through a stormy weather.
to wait for you, even if it takes forever.

If this is a goodbye,
if it is what you're trying to imply,
it's hard to accept, not to worry, promise, I won't cry.
Bothered, I'd like to ask, "why?"
A friendship you want to end, just left me to sigh,
Though I will still be here, waiting for that Hi,
even Days, Months, or Years will pass by.
Yes, I'm crazy, Sadly, this is reality. This is me.

This is what's keepin me fucked up lately. This is why I have been quiet. I'll be back soon.

Mozart Stub'n

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 09:47:00 +0000

Would you say no to food? I’d kill for food so obviously, I wouldn’t say no to food, unless it is seafood. Yeah I suck, I hate seafood. I don’t really hate it that much, but I would probably force myself to eat it when I have no choice. J

A friend of mine, who I met in Plurk invited me to join her for a food review in this fancy Austrian Restaurant somewhere in Central, Hong Kong. It is my first time so I was pretty exited and even dressed up as a food critic even if I have no idea how a food critic dress like, (normal I’d say). The rule was to do it incognito and never to mention a thing about the review during the dinner then after, my friend will show the coupon and introduce her self.

Me being me, with a lot of enthusiasm and excitement (don’t judge me, this is my first time!) at some point my friend thought the crew already knew we were food critics and I was kind of worried that I must have slipped without me being aware so I forced myself to shut my big mouth for about an hour and a half and carry on enjoying the fabulous meal.

When we were finally stuffed and rubbing our stomach with great pleasure, my friend called the waiter, asked for the bill then finally revealed her true identity.

I am not really good in expressing myself and I was never really confident about my writing skills, so the first thing I asked is if my opinion was needed. Luckily, she said it is not necessary but it would be nice if I could give a few comments. Ok, so a few comments wouldn’t kill me right? So not to be useless in this food review, I would like to try and write what I think.

Pardon my photo’s the food should look nice, but I used my crappy camera phone so please do not judge by the photos. Haha :D

So here it goes:

Restaurant Name: Mozart Stub’n
Website: www.mozartstubn.com
Address: 8 Glenealy Road, Central

The place was homey and cozy, clean, small but elegant, very intimate. A perfect place to bring a date. The background song was a bit scary but it suits the fancy Austrian ambience. I felt I was in a different place, for a moment I felt I flew all the way to Austria. :)

We had 3 Appetizers:

Assorted cold cuts with paprika cheese and schnaps
Fried Camembert with Cranberry sauce
Sweetbread and sauerkraut in wine sauce (This is my favorite)

Appetizers were good especially the sweetbread, I seriously didn't know what it was but I tried it anyway and I liked it. For those like me, who unfortunately has lack of knowledge when it comes to science and meat anatomy, well, basically, (Thanks to WIKIPEDIA!) sweetbreads are the thymus glands of a cow, lamb, or pig. It is a delicacy, and typically soaked in salt water, then poached in milk after which an outer membrane is removed. Once dry and chilled, they're often breaded and fried until crispy. I know it sounds a bit unappealing. But to my exotic taste, I find it really tasty. Oh, I forgot to take a picture, I was exited to eat. I'll probably post better photos when I get them from My friend's camera.

Main course:

Wienerschnitzel
Smoked porkloin and ox tongue with bread dumpling and sauerkraut

My friend had the famous Austrian Dish (In japan they call it Tonkatsu) Basically, its breaded pork with spices. I had the Smoked porkloin and ox tongue. Both were really good, very big serving so we both had to share. The porkloin was a little bit overcooked so the texture of the meat was a bit dry. The Ox tongue was tender & juicy, perfectly cooked no after taste. It was as if I had corned beef that's probably the best way to explain it. :) The sauerkraut went very well with the meat. It wasn't too sour, seasoned very well. Two thumbs up for the Main course.

and lastly, Dessert:

Apple strudel with Vanilla cream sauce

The apples were cut perfectly in thin slices. It wasn't too sweet or sour, it was just right.

I'd say it was a little bit pricey but it's worth it. It's a fancy restaurant, what do you expect? When you want good food, You have to pay good. :)

American Boy

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 13:04:00 +0000

I'm crazy about this song.

American boy - Estelle Ft.Kanye West

oh... did I mention I'm crazy about this song?

I want to go to americaaaaaaaaa. I don't care about the crisis.

I'd like to meet my American boy someday... :D

Roxy sings along: Take me to new york I want to see L.A... la la la la la

PS: I will make a decent post I promise. ...After 48 years. :D

Rants, mutterings, Blabberings

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 10:15:00 +0000

But I had to post it, I had to let this all out.

Today started as if it wasn't my day off. I left home early to run some of my personal errands. It's my off anyway so anything I do today would be mostly personal. I tried applying for a Philippine passport because my Aunt offered a free ticket to the Philippines. Why say no? But then I realized I had been stateless since April 2008. I was informed that upon applying a Philippine passport I need to wait for 1 month. My supposedly flight is on the 24th of October. So I had no chance. I 'd lost hope of being happy again. Sometimes I think paying these people off would make my life easier even if it's obviously wrong. Fuck paper works, I really hate it. Who doesn't anyway?

My office mate felt my depression and offered help. So she made some phone calls and spoke with people inside the Philippine consulate. Unfortunately the whole point of waking up early, the guy that supposed to help me was on leave and will be back within a couple of days. Once again, I feel rejected, I felt that maybe, I'm not meant to go back to the Philippines yet, that maybe there is something important coming so my supposedly 3days vacation was put on hold, maybe.. I am not welcome anymore and maybe.. I don't deserve to be happy again and of course, maybe I am overreacting. These things keeps running through my mind since we left the consulate, I was looking for something/someone to blame so it would make me feel better. But I know it's wrong so I end up blaming myself and then I fell in silence, preventing myself from holding any grudges. My office mate was trying so hard to cheer me up and even said she would do everything she could do to get me a passport in 1 week. With that I feel thankful to have her not only as my office mate but also my friend... I truly appreciate the effort But I totally lost hope there is nothing to do to have it back. I lost interest already, the momentum is gone.

The whole point of saying yes to my unexpected come back was I thought somehow, I needed a break. A break from all unimportant things I have been thinking about these past couple of months. Things that didn't make any sense at all, things that made me shrink to the bottom of a shallow pond and made me feel that it is the end of the world, that there is no point of being happy again. But while time flies, I eventually managed to rise up again and accept the fact that life can be cruel sometimes.

When I finally decided to appreciate the good things in life again and thought to start off at clean slate, when I finally set my mind on important things that I should be doing, here comes another unexpected news that I don't know why it affected me in so many ways to realize, that my depression is causing not only the lost of interest of my visit but from the news my dad told me last night. I am falling back in depression to something that I'm not sure whether its worth thinking or not.

My half brother came to visit my dad, my other half brother who is currently living with my dad was also in the same room when my dad broke the news. He kept asking me not to be mad, I wasn't worried as his enthusiasm shows me its something I could be happy with, but why asking me not to be mad? So I was confused. Until he showed me some emails from a girl named Michelle Grace.

I couldn't believe what I was actually reading. Confused, not knowing anything was a good idea. But I muttered to myself, why now? why of all this time she would want to contact my dad? So I looked to both of my brothers, smiling, waiting for my reaction. I was blank, it took a few minutes for me to snap back. I felt anger rising, I was annoyed. I had so many questions but it can't seem to come out from my mouth. Then I realized my face was crumpled like a paper. And I saw my dad's smile faded that instant. He was hurt by my reaction. He was trying to explain, but I only wanted to hear what I want to hear. He asked if I was mad, and I said NO. I have no troubles on lying because my dad didn't know me that much. But inside me was like having a boiling lava just waiting to explode. I remained calm, still thinking about the girl. Still thinking why I am so mad of her coming out from no where suddenly alienating my already complicated family. I stayed for a while to have a chat with my step mother. She didn't know anything and even I felt the urge of telling her, I resisted. Still, despite of being mad, I was concerned of what the outcome would be if she knew. It would certainly hurt her feelings and she would probably want to kill herself for knowing that there is another bastard in my dad's collection of kids. *I hope she won't discover my blog*

There is no point of being mad actually, I'm aware of that. I'm 21, I have a job now, I have my own life to think about. I am mad or rather should I say envious because I know now for a fact that I am not the only girl, and that I am not special anymore like my dad used to say, knowing that she is living a normal life, that she didn't feel the miserable life I felt when I was her age, being hurt of having to see all the affairs my dad had, being a rebellious teenager having no choice but to live with her mum and her gold digger lover, being broke, having totally no allowance even for transport going to school by the lack of support from my dad.. and many many many more. My dad made sure the girl wasn't asking money from us. She just wanted to meet my dad and the rest of us bastards, and I stated harshly that I will never support or give a cent to that girl. Helping my half brothers financially and sometimes emotionally is enough to get back at my dad's upbraiding. I have no right to act or feel this way because they are the only family left and despite all these bitterness, I still love them.

This is probably a mimic of what my sister felt before. That she held all responsibilities and gave up everything for her family-- me & mum. (and mum's fucking gold digger lover) I now understand my sister's grudges to our parents. She deserves to be happy because she gave up literally everything for so long (even her happiness) to support me, to be responsible for everything, to pick up the pieces my dad broke and to put it all back again. Knowing that I wouldn't have to experience what she had, I somehow feel guilty every time I think about those hard times she's been through.

While drowning myself into nostalgia, I snapped back and realized I fell asleep on my dad's sofa. My dad asked me once again trying not to sound worried. Are you mad? and I said, no, its not like I have a choice? I said goodbye, headed to the door without turning back, then I left.

I wallowed deeply in my emotions trying so hard to detach the anger from my heart, trying not to be bitter. But it's something I cannot avoid. And then again I am finding excuses, I am finding someone to blame for all this madness, and it driven me to thinking about the filipina domestic helpers here in HK. I do not intend to offend my "kabayan" infact, I am proud to say that my mum was one of them before she met my dad. The only difference is that she was smart and at the same time stupid enough to marry my dad and accept all his infidelity for almost 12 years. I'm glad they had separated and I know it would make me a hypocrite to say that there is no one single moment in my life I wished for them to be back together, back to being one big family again. If this happened, I could die right away with a smile on my face. (I'm confident to say that because I know it's impossible to happen anyway. :D)

I am blaming them not only for my convenience and to make me feel better but I have been thinking about posting my disapproval to those filipina domestic helpers here in Hong Kong who claims that they are "lonely" because they are far away from their families and that they had no choice (well educated or not) but to accept this kind of job just to lift them from the difficult life in the Philippines. What I am trying to say here is, that filipina's (I am not speaking in general and once again I do not intend to offend anyone) here in Hong Kong are desperately in need of men. If you have a boyfriend or a husband who you want to test loyalty, then this would be the right place to go. Filipina DH (not all of them) here in HK look up to men as their GOD, as the answer to their prayers. Not thinking whether the man is married or not, committed or whatever, as long as it has a dick and fills up calendars to avoid their loneliness, no matter what a man looks like, they don't fucking care. This I am speaking out loud not only because Michelle Grace's mother was a DH (who Im sure claims to be "LONELY" that's why she had a baby with my dad 14 years ago), but because I have heard stories of them causing to different kinds of disgrace and put other innocent filipinas into shame just because they are "LONELY". How pathetic is to ask a guy to marry her because she needs a visa? How pathetic is to have an affair with a married man? How pathetic is to get pregnant with a guy and don't give him the rights to see his kid? How pathetic it is to sneak your boyfriend inside your employers room? How pathetic is to leave your dead baby on the streets of Hong Kong and leave a note saying you're a filipina and that you had to leave your baby because you might lose your job? how much could it get worse? is there an end to this? I don't think so.

Just me today, as always.

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 14:06:00 +0000

There is nothing special about this movie. I just want to say a short, brief comment.

It was very intimate, had shown women at the early age repressed and looked down upon their husbands, had also shown what a pig a man could be just to get what he wants, and....

it's very........ uh, English. ~~Reminded me of someone.~~ No I wont elaborate on that.

I thought twice about this movie, but I ended up watching it anyway. I guess I was probably giving myself a test whether I could be immune to these kind of movies. I took it very well I must say, the fact that it was English (or British) it didn't bother me at all. I still am fascinated about everything (from history, culture, people, way of living etc. etc.)

I had dinner at Dan Ryan's (My all time favorite restaurant) with my book (New Moon) I stayed there and read a few chapters until the movie started.

I can say, it is more likely to be a nice day off. Just me, myself & I.

I was alone, yes. Being bored as I am at home, and since my friends (even co-workers) are busy with their family because it's actually public holiday today, I decided to watch a movie by myself. I know it's pretty lame but I don't see anything wrong about that, can't a 21 year old woman watch movies of her own? Does it seem pitiful? lol. :) I enjoyed it and I am going to do this a day off-ritual. I have been doing and arranging a lot of rituals lately so that at least I have something to look forward to every time a week starts. I started (sort of it was I assumed) arranged a Monday ritual with my supervisor and general manager to have a special lunch out once a week which means we get to eat in a real restaurant (Not just in cheap food courts) and talk about the latest gossip about what's happening at work (I kind of need to get in the loop somehow), I also have a friend who decided to do every Tuesdays our Movie/dinner night since tickets are really cheap. The rest of the week will be normal and maybe get myself to work my ass off the gym again. Life could be boring but it helps if you sometimes stop wallowing with your emotional feelings and appreciate the good things in life for once in a while. Life is beautiful, and so am I. :D

Off Topic/

I have been monitoring my feedjit (I know Im quite desperate to know who comes and go on my blog) and I have noticed that someone has been visiting my blog everyday and every night. I hope this doesn't scare him/her away as It would be really good to know who he/she is.

It would really make me happy.. I guess :D

To my avid reader from Frisco, Texas if you have balls, (he or she) whatever you are, chime in or at least drop a line. I know you've read almost all of my entries and you know me quite well already... I have a strong feeling that you want to say something... now is your chance. :)

Cheers everyone. Have a good week.

Twilight

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 03:33:00 +0000

Don't laugh.

Yes I am one of them now.

I am obsessed with Edward Cullen.

I am dying to see the movie.

I am watching all trailers/movie clips I could get from you tube.

It is all what I am thinking for the past couple of days.

I dreamt of being part of the Cullen Family.

I wish I meet a Vampire like Edward someday.

I am obsessed with everything about Twilight.

I get the Jitters when I think of the lines Edward says to Bella.

What do you live for? when you can live forever

I am your brand of heroin

So the lion fell in love with the lamb

I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him

I am obsessed, hypnotized. :| I am liking this feeling. There is no end to this I must say.

New moon, here I come.

When we were young

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 02:48:00 +0000

Here I will show you some of my pictures when I was at the age range between 3-5 years old. I know its a bit late and I should have posted this ages ago. I need to post this (its not like I have a choice) *grin* because it was a tag from my sweet bloomingdale :) (Andami kasing pauso netong babaeng to eh haha!)

I could say my childhood days were as perfect as it can be =D filled with love by my Mum & Dad, A cool-caring-loving-sister, Toys, Food, Milk, playmates, kinder, everything a child could possibly ask for. I admit I was a little (and I emphasize on the little part =D) spoiled brat. But isn't it fun being a spoiled brat, having everything you want? :D I heard once that if you were a spoiled brat when you were a kid you will grow up being the opposite, and I still hold on to that saying :D

What I'd do to bring back those days. ...The perfect days that I could now only see in the movies or read in a book. Nevertheless, I thank my Mum & Dad for bringing a cute little bubbly girl in this beautiful world. :)

CABBAGE PATCH! :)

Ugh Corny.

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 14:04:00 +0000

Roxy : Hello?
Filipino Guy : Hello, magandang hapon, busy ka? (Hello, Good afternoon, are you busy?)
Roxy : Hindi naman masyado, Bakit? Sino to? (Not really, Why? Who's this?)
Filipino Guy : Ah, gusto ko lang sana makipag-kaibigan (Oh, I just wanted to make friends)
Roxy : (Rolling eyes) Saan mo nakuha ang number ko? (Where did you get my number?)
Filipino Guy : Ah, Dial dial lang, Pede makipag-kaibigan? ( Just random dialing, can we be friends?)
Roxy : Sorry ha, hindi ako nakikipag-kaibigan sa mga nagddial dial lang. (Sorry, I don't make friends with people who does random dialing.)
Filipino Guy : Ah ganun, nakuha ko number mo sa mga kaibigan ko. (I see, I got your number from my friends)
Roxy : (Still rolling her eyes) Sinong "MGA" kaibigan mo yun? (From which friend then?)
Filipino Guy : Ah, nakalimutan ko na eh... (I forgot...)
Roxy : Sorry ha, kung nakalimutan mo, sorry Busy ako, nasa work kasi ako eh, Sorry. (Oh, Sorry if you forgot, I'm sorry, I'm busy, I'm at work.)
Filipino Guy : Bakit naman? Makikipagkaibigan lang eh. (Why? I just want to be friends with you)
Roxy : (Walang tigil ang pag-ikot ng mata) Sorry ha, busy talaga ako. Walang oras makipaglokohan, Hanap ka nalang ng ibang matatawagan. (Non-stop eyes rolling) (I'm sorry, I'm really busy, no time to fool around. find someone else.)

Im not a snob or anything but this guy really annoyed me today. This ~~filp~~ filipino guy who doesn't even have the balls to introduce himself properly. I was thinking of entertaining the call at first, you know, just for fun, but I just got annoyed by the fact that he was using private number and not even telling me where the fuck did he get my number from. I mean, he's just ugh, CORNY.

Close in feeling

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 13:15:00 +0000

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

FINE. :)

This too, shall pass.

I'm ready.

Happy Birthday to me :) - Guest Post: Rafaelle

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 16:00:00 +0000

So yeah, it's my 21st birthday and it's time for show off :) I thought since it's my birthday, I'd rest on writing/updating first. I'm very happy to introduce a guest post from my one and only super duper close friend for nearly 12 years now - Rafaelle.

So here is my first take on writing this long post for my one and only Roxy. Of course, as much as I try to be perfect on everything that I do ( Yes, I am OC like that and I could care less about what anyone thinks at this point) I make despisable errors sometimes. But enough about me, this is about Roxy. I do not want to write something that is filled with cliché’s all throughout this whole process of making Roxy happy (she asked me to write this because it will make her happy), so being the good friend that I am, I want almost everything here to be about her -- notice the "almost" meaning that I will still battle for some attention here and there. This is probably the only time that I will write something on a blog. I am never the blog writer like many of you who are reading this, so I do not really know exactly how I should start this guest post, but since Roxy said to me that I should just write whatever is in my heart at the moment, then I will write whatever it is that I have at this time.

I have not seen Roxy in over five years, but we have been friends since 5th grade, so it all started when we were 9 or 10 years old. And over the course of time things just evolved into a great friendship that has a dynamic relationship -- which is insurmountable by anything else that I personally had. We have this form of communication that I know I have never had with anyone else, even with some of my so-called "friends." This form of communication that I am referring is based on the conversations that we have every time we speak with each other on any given occasion. We talk about a lot of things that I would not like to delve into, because only her and I could understand them. Maybe if you become one of our friends then you would have a hint or some kind of idea on just how much me and Roxy have fun in our own small or big ways by just talking and keeping each other company. I have observed and now actually just comprehending the fact that Roxy and I have had friends that became parts of our lives for a few years, and mind you, they have only been around for just a matter of time. I would not name names because it would not be fair to them, and I kind of also would like to keep this post diplomatic. However, this will be a long post so we will see how far it gets me from being diplomatic to just plain old blunt. This is only a warm up, just to get you bloggers (I just realized I may have used the proper term to describe you) interested, or not, whichever I really do not have any description for it. This is for Roxy anyway, so as long as I keep this post interesting and substantial for her, I'm all set. :)

Going back to saying why I am writing this "guest post" is because Roxy, again, have sugarcoated a lot of the things she said to me just so I would write this. It worked. I am now on my third paragraph, hurray! Man, how long does this post have to be? You know, it is a lot of pressure if you think of it. So basically I am just babbling about how everything came about for me to write this post, but I assure you, the best is yet to come (or something). Roxy, you know that I only write long letters when I know or have an idea that only one person or two will be reading them, not when it is for everyone in the world to see. Just so we are all clear, when I am referring to you bloggers, I do not mean any harm. I like bloggers, I think you guys can change the course of history for the better. I raise a glass to you.

Ok, Roxy, Roxy, Roxy, what the hell am I doing here? I really do not know how I am supposed to express myself here -- how candid I should be and/or how authentic this post should be. But in all cases, here is a toast to you, for being the person that is you. For making many people that have had the chance to be in your presence learn how great of a person you are. I do not think people really know how genuine a day become when you are around. Roxy is a type of person that really care about the people that she adores and love (could be temporarily or permanent) so she always makes every minute, hour, or day somewhat interesting and something that you would think is not wasted. I remember during High School, our rebellious years where we would just cut class and spend the afternoon at my house (literally 40 steps away from our school so it is very convenient and smart) and just do things that are merely academic. Nonetheless, I would not say it was unproductive because this was the time where we were just carefree, testing the waters (muddy or clear if you know what I mean), and identifying with everything that surrounded us whether it is family, friends, and philanthropic work. Yes, I consider lending money to the ones that needed it for the consumption of goods as a noble work during that time -- and maybe this time too, who knows? So this one time that I think, if I could remember correctly, I was on the phone in our living room and Roxy was sitting on the floor (the Indian seat) and I was eating some pan cakes, with Roxy being the food lover that she is, and me being the greedy-when-it-comes-to-food-with-Roxy that I am, I would not share it with her. So here I go forking the last piece of the pancake with a few inches away from my mouth and out came what seemed like the character flash with a hand so quick grabbed the pancake in one svelte move and shoved it in her mouth. I remember biting air and how delicious it was that it almost chipped my front tooth. I am not kidding. Of course, we laughed it off and did my complaining about how I wanted that last piece of pancake so bad, but then Roxy would just look at you and smile and laugh. So that was just one moment that I am pretty sure Roxy still remembers. We even talked about in our conversations just to think about those good times. Ok, I guess I am now getting the hang of this whole guest post writing, so maybe I will share another story that every time I think about it, it never fails to put a smile on my face. This was freshmen year of High School in the Philippines, it was the afternoon classes, and this was the year when hand sanitizers were just becoming popular, the alco-gels and the like. So I remember a classmate of ours brought a small bottle of VitaSoft Hand Sanitizer w/ Fragrance. I asked for a test and put a small amount on my hand, Of course I smelled it and even the rest all over my hands. Now Roxy came over and said "Huy, ano yan!? Patingin naman"(What’s that? Can I see?) So our classmate put some on Roxy's hand. I noticed that she had a lot on her hand, then she smelled it as usual, so me being in front of Roxy, and me, being the playful person that I am, hit the back of her hand where she had the VitaSoft Alco-Gel. At this point, I did not know what happened with the alco-gel, if Roxy had accidentally snorted some of them or it had went to her mouth because Roxy kept her hand on her face, well, her nose and mouth were covered. Then she took her hand off and her was face so red, so I chuckled, and then I think I ran and Roxy chased me while blurting obscene words. Here, let me visualize it for you, I was running out of the classroom and roxy was chasing me cursing the words "Putangina mo!" (You son of a bitch!) Wow, that was so funny. I think we were 11 years old during that time right Roxy? It was during our 1st year of High School. That was a lot of fun. I remember during that time when I would not come to school in the morning and just show up in the afternoon or not even show up to school at all, I would get a phone call from this PT&T phone booth in school and I would instantly know who it is, Roxy would just tell me "Lanz! Pupunta ako jan!"(Lanz! I will go there!) and she would just come over to my house, it would be around 10AM during recess time and she would just not come back to school after that. She would then see me at my house watching TV in my parents room that became my room, and with the PC left on, and the AC turned on as well. She was in heaven because that is basically what she came over to my house for; if the AC was turned off Roxy would then say "Huy, buksan naman natin yung aircon." (Hey, let's turn on the AC) And of course, she does not wait for my approval; she would just reach for it and turn it to the coldest temperature. We would just stay in my house for the rest of the day, the normal routine would be me sleeping in the afternoon (Man, what a mess of a child I was back then) and she would be on the internet surfing or playing the Sims game on my PC, we have this cheer when we're playing the Sims or anything referring to the Sims game, we would go " one, two, three, the Sims!" Man, that was so funny, and if you are interested to know, it is not yelled normally, we enunciate these words in a way that is ours. So when evening comes that's when she would still stay at my house but leave late when the coast is clear. She would even have an accomplice to bring her book bag to my house in the afternoon when school was over. I would come up with brilliant ideas like that being the mastermind and Roxy being my partner in crime. Everything was a blast and a half whenever Roxy and me are together. She loves the song “Crave” by Marc Dorsey, so we came up, well, I came up with the subject on our emails one time with this word “Ichurlovdetaistylcreifv,”(It’s your love that I still crave) because this was part of the song that had seven words that when put together in one word, this is what it would be spelled and sound like.

What else do I remember that is worth sharing to the world? Hmm... You see, I do not know how I will be conveyed after I finish this post, but feel free to share your thoughts with Roxy. It's all good. I know she will communicate this with me. Maybe you would like to become our friend, meaning, you can fill in with those people that became our gimik buddies, but then later on would be replaced by someone else. I would say that a person is lucky if they stick around and just be our friend. Roxy and I have the same personality, I think we are the type-C personalities where we are a combination of the type-A and the type-B, it is a good balance if you think of it. People come and go into our lives, she has her friends, and I have mine but we have this friendship that an individual or a group would like to join. I do not really want to tooth my own horn here, but I have to admit, all the things that Roxy and I do are so cool that an outsider would want to join the fun with us. It just seemed that when we are together possibilities are endless, fun times are endless, a great roller coaster ride for the ages is always ready, and things are just better. It is always nice to share goals, accomplishments, dreams with someone that you know will be there to support you, and by "supporting" you, meaning telling you the truth whether it be in the category of rash decision making or a brilliant idea -- honesty was always there. And with that, this means that our personalities also clash, so it is not always just good things and having a fun time with one another. Roxy and I also fight, but now that I am just thinking of it, our fights never last very long. And usually our fights were based on petty and superficial things that if brought up today would not even be an issue anymore, just to give you an example, one fight would be if she does not do what I ask (Ok, maybe that's a pretty harsh description of it) but mainly if she doesn't believe in what I say. Wow! Ok, this post is becoming somewhat of a therapy for me now, a revelation perhaps? I am getting a sense that I am learning about myself throughout this whole process as well. Ok, so maybe I was an evil kid back in the day, I am not so much of an evil kid now. I just now realize that Roxy truly is a great person because it actually took me a minute or two to write and think of something that she had done that we had an argument about, and all I could think about is because I always want to get my way. Hmmm... That’s pretty interesting. Ok bloggers, time for an intermission, I am going to start rambling again about how this is my first post and that I am an amateur blogger. Maybe you noticed that I start writing "hmmm..." now and maybe that's a good sign that I am starting to get a little bit comfortable with this. I kind of had to push myself to do this because I promised Roxy that I would write her this for her birthday. Earlier I felt like this post was homework from school so I was slacking off for a bit. But hey, I got to this point so there's no turning back now. Ok, bloggers, so here is another round of what is going on in my mind at this point.

Here is an email from Roxy from 2002, I was already living far far from the Philippines and this is the kind of email that Roxy would send me; this should set the tone on how much we understand each other:

Monday, April 1, 2002 1:35 AM From:Roxy@Roxy.com To:Rafaelle@rafaelle.com

Subject: Tanginamo!!!

hoy,!!!!

tang ina mo!!!! at ano nanamang katangahan sa buhay ang ginagawa mo at hindi ka man lang natawag sakin!!!???? ha?! anong problema mo!!!!!???? mas nakuha mo pang tawagan si ******!!!???? BAHALA KA NGA!!!!! BAHALA KA SA BUHAY MO.........

(Translation: Motherfucker! What is this stupidity that you're doing in your life that you are not calling me???? Huh?! What is your problem!!!!??? You would much rather call *******!!!??? Do whatever you want!! Do whatever you want in your life.....<There's more but this should be enough>)

(Roxy : Oh my god! Who is that I’m getting jealous about!?)

So there you go, that should set the mood. That's just one example; of course, I would not want to post our correspondence with each other here because there are a lot of things on our emails that only her and I would understand. Because clearly, if you were an outsider, which technically you are, you would have your pre-conceived notion about how we are. Well, if you're interested, again, just talk to Roxy I guess.

Oh! I remember the time when we went to Alabang. We were sophomores in High School and 12 at the time. Now, mind you, it is a big deal just going to Sta. Rosa (a city in Laguna which is an hour away from San Pablo) but going to Alabang at our age? Man, we were trendsetters. We are pioneers at our school when it comes to going to places that not any of our schoolmates have ever been before, so when we actually see some of our schoolmates going to these places, we just stop going there and just venture out on other places because that, to us, is an indication that it has become mainstream and have lost its exclusivity (Yep, sorry mga jologs! lol). So going back to my story of our trip to Alabang, I borrowed my Dad's car and we had the driver drive us anywhere we wanted to go. I am just now recollecting some of the things we did there. We went to the Festival Mall and afterwards, at the Alabang Town Center. I am trying to remember what we did there, but all I can remember was our way back to San Pablo, we stopped by at Treats in Petron at the South Expressway (which I recently found out is no longer around, other establishments have now followed the trend) and just hung out there for a bit, we talked we laughed, we chilled, and we ate a lot. One of our buddies said a joke about the juice that he was drinking, it was Plus+ King size orange juice (Like Zesto for any of you who knows) and we just laughed. It was funny, and yes, Roxy was eating. We had such a great time, I think we got home at a decent time a little bit after 12, but hey, that was a decent time for us. Everything back in those days just leaves a mark to my core that I will always cherish. Those were the good old days, but it is not the end of the good times. If you noticed, I've only described these incidences as "good," meaning the great times are yet to come! I am so looking forward to that because I know that it is not just going to places by land anymore with us this time. We are going to places by air. This is one of those things that Roxy and I share, we love travelling and seeing the world, learning about different cultures and cavorting different values. Again, just so we're clear, we are well-mannered people when we have to be, just not with each other, and I think you can only have that characteristic with someone when they are your true friend; that is what I found in Roxy. She truly is a great friend no doubt about it.

One post is not enough to depict and celebrate Roxy on her 21st birthday. I wish that I could be there with her celebrating and toasting for a new chapter in her life, and in our lives altogether. These are the chapters in our lives where we are now becoming contributors to society. Her generosity and kindness are often mistaken as weakness, but rest assured she is the most authentic and warm-hearted person that I know. We have evolved from being the easy-go-lucky-smart-slackers in High School solely dependent on our parent’s income to the well-mannered, well-educated, easy-go-lucky-smart-professionals solely dependent on our own income. It truly is amazing how far we have become, but Roxy and I know that we are only getting started, because having goals and dreams, for us at least, knows when to act to make it the proper and right time. Roxanne, thanks for being the most genuine person that you are, you are loved by many including me, especially, because you have contributed major things in my life that helped establish where I am today. Happy Birthday.

Rafaelle

Oh yeah, its about you again, what's new?

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 17:32:00 +0000

I admit I have been very neglectful on my blogging duties. Something is stopping me from updating my blog I've so much to tell but every time I attempt to make an entry, I can't help but think of him. (I know, here I go again). So I chose to stop writing for a while. Maybe this is the reason why I haven't really gotten over him. It's because every time I write, everything I do, its always about him. No matter how hard I try to get rid of these thoughts about him, nothing happens. I know I am getting very boring on this never ending subject, but I would still write about it as this is what's in my heart. This is my blog, so I don't care if people won't like what I write.

Just to make things clear, I'm not busy, I just need some time and rest on this whole blogging thing. Maybe if I stop for a while, I would be able to get over him and move on completely with my life. Besides, he's the reason why I started blogging, so I think this would be a nice Idea and thought I'd give it a try. I don't want to write and pretend I'm ok and moving on. Because I'm obviously not. I still think about him, I dream about him, I imagine things about him (not sexual silly you), I miss him, I want him, I need him, ok I seem a little bit desperate and exaggerated but yeah it's a bit true. I am still waiting for him, I still get jealous of the fact that he's still inlove with his ex, I get jealous whenever I think about the internet love affair he had with that other filipina (that was before me, I think I was the reason why he stopped talkin to her or he just got scared cause she wanted him to marry her for a visa or sumfin) She's been bitching alot about me, how I was being a slut and all that) ok that's another story, I still think I would still meet him when I go and visit his country, I still think... I still think... I still think... I still think. He is still making me crazy up to this moment. I'm crazy about him and I don't fucking know why. I am so fucking mad at him for doing this to me. I am so fucking pissed on everything that has happened between us, all the conversations we had I admit it has been really good but I so fucking hate when I remember it. And the looks he had given me, you! yeah you! don't fucking tell me that wasn't something. I know it's something when you were looking at me that way. I am so sure there was something inside those pretty green/blue (?) eyes and Im not sure whether you felt something for me or you just felt something arising from down there because I turn you on (yeah it took me so long to believe that I actually turn you on) UGH. MEN.

...I miss you, you fuckin moron.

/off-topic

I'm crazy about this new telenovela from ABS CBN "Kahit isang saglit" Starring Our very own super hot Jericho Rosales and Malaysian Actress Carmen Soo. I know this is corny, pero wala na akong magagawa bumabalik nanaman ang pagka-adik ko sa mga primetime bida! Apir tayo jan mga kapamilya! :) Kakapanood ko lang ng first episode kanina talaga namang napaka-ganda, lalo na ang mga views sa malaysia. Infairness magaling yun batang Garie ha. and OH-EM-GEE Jericho Rosales is sooo HOT and good looking rawr. They both look good! I have nothing more to say but please watch this teleserye! :) For those who has no TFC subscription, you can still watch it on some websites who has ABS-CBN live streaming.

Good night and till my next. uh, update.

Pilipinas - Revelations

noreply@blogger.com (Roxy) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 19:22:00 +0000

I have been reminiscing these past few days, I realized I was a pain in the ass back then. Very different of what I am right now. I did so many stupid things that I can't possibly imagine. I'm thinking this post may not make any sense at all, but I thought maybe it's good to sometimes let it all out in one go, maybe with revealing some things it might make me feel better.
Here it goes:

My first cut class was on my graders. =) I was in grade 3. One of my stupid classmate said "merlin" (A wizard who has the capacity to give powers) exists and that she knows someone who could give us instructions on where to find "merlin" because I am stupid enough to believe her, I recruited my friends and said if we find "merlin" we will have super powers so that we could cut classes more. It's like a power that we could be in one place at the same time. Something like that. So that day, off we go to the forest (niyugan) Guess what? We end up playing with only our half slip on in the river (ilog)! We were in the middle of nowhere, starting to get dark and I realized my left shoe was missing and little did I know it went floating along with the river. So I went home with my half slip dripping underneath my uniform and with only 1 shoe on. Out of guilt, since I was still a kid then I told my mum I had to cut class because my classmate had an epilepsy attack during our lunch break and we had to take care of her and stay at her home for the rest of the afternoon. We all agreed to tell the same story in case our teachers asked and it was a success story, they all believed us and even thanked us for taking care of our classmate! :) I don't know but my friends said I do very well in reasoning out and get away with things easily like nothing happened. Oh well, I guess I'm talented. =)

High school was the best. I was popular at school I must say, I had lotsa friends, I can get along easily with almost every group. From hot chicks to geeks to totally invisible people (you know what I mean) but I mostly hang out with guys, its more fun. I'm not a bully but my first visit in the principal's office was when I bullied a new classmate. She was acting bitchy and miss know-it-all first day of school so I had to teach her a lesson. But then she knew my friends and I are ganging up on her so she went straight to the principal's office. That bitch. haha - We became friends after a few months. :D She did learn a lesson though good for her, and that is to stick with the right people. LIKE ME. :D

I started to drink alcohol on my first year in secondary level - My friends and I had a sleep over and bought a few bottles of Tequila and crisps. I don't remember how we managed to buy it as we were still kids. I think one of my friends teenage cousin helped us out. Anyway I'm the one who had a lot to drink but I was the one who never get drunk. Its a pain in the ass to be one left that is not drunk, not only I had to take care of my friends, it's absolutely disgusting to see them vomit and act weird while the alcohol is taking over their innocent minds. My innocent eyes had to see all the wildness. But I was kind of amused, all my drunken friends were speaking English saying senseless things like, "ugh, Roxanne! the bid is a wit!" "shut up! ssshH! Mrs. Paulino is coming" "Come here grr I want to rape you" (dear god) "I hate you, you fucking bitch get out of my way!" Those are few of the lines I remember, it could be worse. haha Just imagine, 5-6 12 yr old kids all drunk. Damn. I'm ashamed of myself. But it was FUN, we all laughed at ourselves the next morning while being tortured by a massive hang over.

I came across my old diary a couple of days ago and saw an entry that made me laugh my ass off. This was during my 3rd year in secondary level.

so here it goes: (Tagalog)

August 6, 2004
This week was hecka gulo (chaos)! summon ako sa school kasi nagdrawing ako ng xxx sa magazine ni bea. eh nakita ni sir erwin eh malay ko ba naman na magbabasa ng magazine si sir erwin sa kagitnaan ng klase? And dapat tinago na ni bea yun! ayun sabi pervert daw ako. nakakahiya daw ako kababae ko pa naman daw na tao. It was just for fun! But seriously, I don't know what has gotten to me that day. But it wasnt that bad though! dumdum lang naman at boobs ang dinrawing ko exage naman yang mga yan. hmp. So tomorrow I have to do some work in our school library for my punishment. Tapos hindi lang yun, they said I needed to see our guidance counselor cause they think my disturbing acts has somehing to do with my personal issues at home. DUH! Im not a disturbed child! Shit. I hate this. Then sabi ni sir erwin ipapatawag daw ang nanay ko. pakingshet! nakakahiya. oh my god. Ano nalang ang sasabihin ko kay mommy? ano nalang ang iisipin nya na ang anak nya ay puro kabastusan ang nasa isip?!?! siyet. ayaw ko na pumasok!!!!!
It was really my fault though I admit, I shouldn't have done that, but as Ive said, it was only for fun. Everyone was laughing after I came back from my punishment. Damn I was so embarassed I didn't go to school the next day. As for my mum, she never knew. I asked my cousin to come to school and say my mum was away for a holiday.

For guys, probably one of their unforgettable experience was when they had a circumcision. I know, 70% of the guys in the world are not circumcised, but whether they've done it or not it will be an unforgettable event in a guy's life. On my part or on every girls part I could say one of my unforgettable moments when I reached my teen years was when I had my first period. haha ok too much info, but I'm just trying to lighten up the mood here --I don't know why my mum went gaga over the news, she actually went outside to one of our neighbors blurting out quote; "Ang anak ko! may regla na! jusco dalaga na si Roxanne! kailangan kong pumunta ng bayan para makabili ng pasador!!! . :D I guess all mums had the same reactions. I just can't see the logic why mothers are happy when they should be scared that their daughters could get pregnant anytime now that they have menstruation. Ok so enough said, I was just sharing. :D

I remember I was rebellious once, I smoked cigarettes, go home very late at night, sex and alcohol was involved. My friends having sex NOT ME. And I emphasize on that, geez I was just like 13 or 14 I'd be carrying a kid by now if I wasn't smart enough that time. Like any other rebellious teenager, I nearly got expelled from school, I had to do community service, blah blah I didn't really care about what people would think of me, hell I didn't care about what my family would think. I was a total pain in the ass. Black sheep is what they call me, but I didn't mind. I guess everyone goes through that stage. My mum had to buy medicine for her high blood pressure whenever she worries sick of me. I almost joined a sorority, Good thing it didn't pushed through. I literally stopped smoking. I didn't really like smoking, I just thought I'd look cool if I did.

For me, money was a big issue, being a student with just limited allowance, it sucks! So, I pawned my mobile phone just to have money for my so called "pang aliw" (For entertainment). It was crazy. My mum saw the receipt in my bag one morning, banged my door like a thunderstorm and woke me up by poking my bum with a coat hanger. 5am in the morning she was shouting, "What are you going to pawn next? your soul?!?!" then she hits me continuously with a coat hanger until she sees my hands and arms are red and little red blood spots coming out. after a long monologue and torture session with my mum, she asked once again, "why do you need money?!?!?" I said looking stiff; "wala akong pang aliw!!!!!!" (I don't have enough money for entertainment!) end of story. That is how I was before, insensitive, didn't really care about the world, all I cared about was how I'd make myself happy and I am not proud of it.

Cars + Boys = What a perfect combination. I remember my friend and her boyfriend used to pick me up and sneak out in the middle of the night to watch illegal drag racing. Not only I enjoy on betting (I actually win sometimes), I also enjoy the fact that oh-em-gee there are a lot of cute guys I could hook up with. OK I'm not a slut I just enjoy meeting new people. I also enjoy pigging out on breakfast with my friends after a long night of racing and socializing and being half asleep in the car while on the way home trying to remember the last conversations I had with guys I met, God what I'd do to go back to those days. *kilig moments*

Do you still remember your first kiss? I can still remember my first kiss very well. It was with my best friend. It wasn't just a smack, it was a tongue twisting torrid kiss. We were hanging out at a friends house and we were talking about sex and kissing and first times you know that sort of things, then my friend started this "DARE game" and dared me to kiss my best friend. So I did it and they all felt guilty when I said it was my first kiss. I must admit, I liked it and it was really good. hehehe :D

And lastly, Love life. Falling in love was the best thing that happened to me while my stay in the Philippines. But every single one of them ends up leaving me. We're cool at first and then things get serious then before I know it, they're avoiding me without knowing the real reason. I don't know if the problem is with me or I am just dumb when it comes to relationships. I never had a serious relationship ever. I was scared of commitments. The truth is, I don't really know what a serious relationship means until now.

Back to reality --
3 years ago, when I said "I will never come back here EVER." Well, I kind of just got carried away. I take it back. I had issues left behind. But I think it's about time to bury it somewhere and start anew. It's been a long time since I went back home. I miss my ~~boylets,~~ my friends, best friends, schoolmates, cousins, aunts, uncles, I basically miss everyone. I miss the places I've been to, the usual things I do with my friends and a lot more. I was really different from what I am right now and I'm kind of getting sick and tired of being a loner. But I have no choice. My friends here are either busy at work or busy with their family. So I guess I'm hopeless. Here in HK at least. People here are, oh well, like me. Live, eat, do things alone, independent, ~~lame, freak~~. This is what I become, from a fun, bubbly & always-on-the-go girl to a boring, melodramatic, workaholic, "I-hate-the-world" kind of girl. Full of hatred and fear. On the other hand - despite all these, I can say I am strong and learned to hold back my feelings. I feel I've changed, but I don't know if I changed for the better or for the worse. I can't really tell and it's starting to scare me. I am definitely 100% sure I am not saying all these because I have my heart broken. It's not always about him. This is about me --How I make simple things complicated and wind up getting myself confused and lost.

"I am happy with my job, I'm happy being alone, but its been a long time since I felt happy with my life in general" -Roxy