Heartfelt

Taking stock of the situation !

2012-01-22T11:35:00.000-08:00

Today when I sit back and look at my life. I see that there have been many set backs in my life. I am almost 27 years old, and I have not done anything worth mentioning. My whole life has just been going on, I have just been floating around going where my life was taking me. At this juncture when most of my peers are settled in their careers, mine seems to be going no where. I am stuck with a job which I am not enjoying at all. I am really not looking forward to going to office. The job which I want to seems to be elusive. Yesterday I missed an online submission date for bank exam which again could have been my chance to get in to something worth while. It seems as if I am running away from problems. But then I have not really shied away from working hard or anything. I have had an immaculate record of 18 months of working at Sutherland.

Getting the PG was suppose to change and bring in something good. That doesn't seems to be the case right now. The current situation is so messed up, that the whole point of being alive seems to be waste. I feel like a disappointment. I feel as if I have cheated my parents those who have trusted me so much. I so want to get into a proper marketing job where I can use something which I have learnt in college and not just sell products for companies. Sometimes I ask why me why am I being put through such problems? I have been fair most of the times. I have never bothered with others life. I always believed that we had to work our way and have always done my share of work. So even after doing all this it seems a little unfair that I have to go through such times.

Life goes on

2012-01-20T11:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel as if I am pushed into a corner and there is no where to go. You feel as if your whole life is just a big mistake. You feel weigh down by expectations of your family. To make matters worse your friends start acting up big time. You are always fire fighting. You start making one thing right and then you see other things go wrong.
I don't know if everyone has such a messed up life or is it just me. I just hope that its already bottomed out and now its time to rebound ....

Standing Lonely !

2012-01-04T11:30:00.000-08:00

It seems I have come the whole circle. I wanted to put somethings back and move forward. I did that, but I guess forgetting somethings completely is not possible. I still miss every single moment that passed by. Every time I see a similar thing that brings in that pain, the longing. I wish as if things would be like it was earlier. Its an irony that people can pour their hearts out to me, but I can't find one to do the same :( . One thing which has become very apparent is you cannot be 100% sure about people who will stand with you. Still I just can't seem to get this fact registered in my little brain. There have been times when I have really felt lonely. These have been some bad times when everything felt worthless. Times when you need someone to say that it will be alright I am with you! I have experienced how much some negative comments can affect you. The worst part was when I needed support, those people were also busy getting even with me. Its as if my little world has turned against me.

But I guess then sometimes we just have to bear everything that thrown at us. Though I wish how easy to manage once you have support.

1st Post of 2012

2012-01-04T10:48:00.000-08:00

We brought new year in style at a friends place. Spent the whole night talking and doing time pass!

We were meant to be together !!!

2011-12-21T09:33:00.000-08:00

We were meant to be together
I feel if I would have given a little more fight, Life would have been so different!
for all those night when I cried,
for all the wrong people we met in life,
for all those moments which we missed, which could have been a treasure.
Its not that I didnt love you at all,
My fear consumed me,
My ego wouldn't let me go,
Go get hurt in the gamble of love!
I dunno if I would ever find someone so lovely as you.
A dear friend
A real friend,
who would love me so true.
May be this is what the cowards deserve,
To live their life in despair!
To fight and win what you want in life,
Is for the brave who is not scared.
How I wish if things were like we dreamt, We would have been a lovely pair!
Everytime I look at you my heart yells in pain, We were meant to be together !!!
We were meant to be together !!!
We were meant to be together !!!

When the going gets tough .... the tough needs to get going!

2011-12-19T12:15:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it happens with everyone or I am just the only one (the aberration in the universe). I have been working hard so as to reach my target. I am doing all the right things. Everything as it is supposed to be. Its as if the universe conspires to fail me. I know the formula of "Ask, Believe, Receive from Secret !!! I am asking the right thing, I believe that it will happen. But I am not receiving it! To top it all when you get stinkers from higher up about putting in more efforts. I am amused how the most rational people suddenly start acting all irrational at the slightest appearance of problems. Some people just want to get results and they are not bothered how that is being achieved. Ends justifies means is what they follow as their life motto and the worst part is they do not even have the balls to acknowledge that fact. They would pretend as if they care about you and that they would stand behind you when you need some support. But then when some problem arise they would be the first to point fingers at you and say that its all your fault. They are so afraid that they don't want to stand next to you for you might fail and that might reflect poorly on them as well. So they will distance themselves, they can't handle uncertainty. I can understand that there is pressure, but then again if things are not happening even after repeated attempts then I am not sure how I am to be blamed. The only solution that I see is to do more and more nos of calls. So as to increase the probability of success. When the going gets tough .... the tough needs to get going!

Everything is my fault !!!

2011-12-14T11:47:00.000-08:00

Things are not going the way it is supposed to go. I am running short of ideas of what else to be done so that I can get more business. There are some set things which everyone does for getting business. Getting leads, meeting clients, Closing deals! I am running around and getting leads, also ensuring that I am meeting them, but deals are not getting closed :( If I sit down and analyse where I am going wrong I can't really point out something. I have tried everything right from visiting far off branches to going to office everyday. With every passing day it becomes more stressful. Sometime I wonder what am I doing? Off all the job in this world is this the only thing I am capable of doing! Sometimes it gets on your nerves when you are being held responsible for someone else's behavior. Its not so pleasant when you are held responsible if client's cheque bounces or when no one else can find a way to forward an email to a client who do not own an email account you are supposed to do the needful. Each evening when you fail to source an application you are supposed to listen to a long lecture about how its your fault that it didn't happen. Its as if you are the only incompetent piece of shit remaining on this planet earth which the company is tolerating for some incomprehensible corporate reason. It really doesn't matter where you went, how you went, what all did you do to get business that day. If it didn't happen then everything is your fault!

Its as if there is no limit to the kind of pressure you can handle and still be sane. To top it up there are other pressures from friends and family. Everyone intends good but they all demand something or the other. Friends also call up because they are in a fix and they want some help. Its not that I am not happy helping them but its just that when they start expecting things which I am just back after going through all this and they don't even try to understand then it pains. I really do not know how long such an arrangement will work and how much more can I take it.

Seems Everything is my fault, and I cant find a way to fix it :(

Reaching top is not the problem sustaining it is !

2011-12-10T12:06:00.001-08:00

Reaching top is not the problem sustaining it is !

I had heard it for the first time from a manager at Sutherland. Simply put it means you can reach the top by putting in efforts but once you reach the top, sustaining there is the next challenge. This is something what I am experiencing now. Last month I had slogged nice to reach the position where I had. That had bought a lot of positiveness within me. Now there seems to be a struggle to get back to that place. I know how it works all this work needs to become a game. Once that happens then its easy to beat. I am so aware of that feeling when you know your shit so well that no one can challenge you. The sense of control over what you are ought to do helps you perform so well that performance is not an issue at all. I am not sure why is it that I have not been able to achieve that sense still here.

Over and above all this there is another thing which has come up. I guess most likely I will alienate one of my friend very soon. I don't know who should be blamed for that. More importantly blaming will also not help. Its not yet bad, but I guess there had to be a day for closure and to initiate that a reason was required. Silly reasons are also enough when people want to end something. Suddenly they have lost the sense of humour and some issue have cropped up, or may be this is how long it was supposed to be. I find it strange but its almost a rule I guess whenever I love or care for someone truly, they are forced to go away from me somehow or the other. Anyways I have had enough drama in my life already that I would like this to end without any drama. Although this might be the most pessimist outlook about the relationship but even I had not foreseen such a thing. May be I can't forgive or may be I am a very selfish person and hence such a view. Now I want to invite some stability in my life!

If you are to lie to me... Lie convincingly atleast !

2011-12-06T10:04:00.001-08:00

Every once in a while you will be lied to, by someone whom you trust. Lying is a sticky business, as you risk losing all the trust that you have earned. Still people lie. People lie because its convenient. Some lie blatantly, others mis-represent, some twist the facts and some hide them.

Have I lied... Yes I have and I am not very proud of the same.

I hate it when someone lies to me! I believe that I am a reasonable rational person who would see your point so please don't to lie to me. Lying to me just takes you away from me. The more you lie the farther you go from the circle of friends whom I trust and share my life with. Some more lies and maybe we could meet as strangers someday. But I guess everyone chooses convenience over conscience so they eventually lie. The worst part is that they don't even lie convincingly.

If you are to lie to me... Lie convincingly atleast !

Risque post !!!

2011-12-03T10:27:00.001-08:00

This post is on the same lines of my last post. I have a feeling that off late I am not taking a stand on certain issues. Most of my post being just observations. This is the inspiration behind the current post.

So lets take a situation, a guy likes a girl the girls knows this fact but she considers him just as a friend. The guy respects her decision but he is there for her always. (Ok now I guess this post may get a lot messier so if you are short on time its the right time to bid good bye!). Ya so now they are our regular friends and hence they go out together for outings, movies etc. They share a lot about their life with each other. Now this girl gets engaged to another guy. So now what should the guy do? How should he react to this new person? What should his equation with the girl going forward?

Now I am no expert at girls point of view. If I were to write it would be unparliamentary. So I will leave it here. I feel the guy in question would behave in the following way:

He would limit his interaction with the girl. Limit might be to the extend of no communication at all.

He would actively seek distractions from this scenario (the flight response).

He would try to be more engrossed in job so that there is no time to think about anything else.

He might try to get in a new relationship or some new venture to keep himself occupied.

Now I guess all this is very normal thing to do. But things get messier when the girl in question still wants him to remain same. She can't handle the change in equation. Its not possible that she can have best of both the worlds. Guys have very simple definitions of these things, its either black or white, the shades of grey are not so well handled by them. Someone needs to tell her that the dream run is over and that she has lost the friend. Now there can be a 100 arguments by the girl that she has already set the expectation and that she was clear how it was going to be. But all that really don't hold up because when people get hurt they are not in mood for logic. If someone have invested time in you then they did have some expectation. If you feel otherwise then its just being naive!

Worst part is if you are stuck in between such friends coz you cannot really say or do to fix the situation. I hope some sense prevails and my friends find some way out of this fix.

The wedding season

2011-11-28T10:31:00.001-08:00

Winter seems to be the season of marriages and engagement it seems. Tejasvi got married this sunday. It was nice to meet college friends after a long time! All this engagements and wedding also brings in a lot of closures. It ties a lot of loose ends. A lot of lingering hearts get crushed! Practicality takes over idealism. Its the D day when people make choices and they finally they make that decision. Its not an easy sight to see your friends secretly sulking over things which has gone. You cant go and console them because they are not doing it in public, the best thing that you can do is to give them some time and space to get over it on their own. This is when you realise how complex human emotions are. It also shows the stark difference between a programmed robot and human behaviour. It also shows why logic is not actually our forte! We may claim that we are rational and logical beings, but the truth is actually we are not so rational. Human emotions are the anomalies in our rational thinking process.

I am surprised..... how a little care and friendship..................., can undo a lot of mental anguish and pain :D

2011-11-22T11:04:00.001-08:00

Today started as a normal day but it ended up very nice. I guess when you make right choices it pays off well. I met a very close friend and spent quite some time. I enjoyed every moment spent. Talking to your real friends helps you forget a lot of pains. You feel there is some one who still cares for you no matter what others think or believe. The unwavering support makes you feel that you can take on the whole world all alone. Its not that we sit and talk about some heavy duty serious stuff but then somehow that chat make a world of difference and makes it all bearable!

This one is dedicated to you my dear friend ... Cheers :)

The ongoing journey !

2011-11-19T11:38:00.001-08:00

The last week has been slow in terms of business achievements. Next week it has to rain applications so that I ensure that my targets are achieved. My other initiative is on track and I am very happy about that. Its actually not that difficult as it seems. The most difficult part is to start, to get up and get going, once you are in then you are bound to perform. The best part is the visible results. There are more good things which are bound to happen and I can feel those good vibes. In between all this sometimes I get back that feeling of restlessness and that helplessness. But I guess now its still manageable.

Now I am able to forget all this for sometime and then again there would be flashes of it all over again. I would like to achieve a state where I have forgotten about it. The state that others are enjoying as if such a thing never occurred in life, as if the memory has been washed away. I would also like to achieve a state where I don't care about its existence. I think that the only way is to get engaged with some new activity, which would keep my mind occupied. So I am all out to find something which I will enjoy doing and would feel proud to be associated with.

I am also trying to understand a very strange concept about how irrational human behavior is. You believe that someone wronged you and then you decide to punish them in whatever possible way you can. How long you would punish that person there is no definite answer to it. The irrational part is now you don't even remember what mistake the person had committed! Because I guess after sometime your mind has just registered that this person has to be punished for what has been long ignored. The worst part is when others who have committed same mistake has been conveniently forgiven.

But only if wishes were horses!

2011-11-17T11:07:00.001-08:00

At times you start missing things as you start reminiscing those moments which were spent together. The memories linger and you are transported back to that time. Those have been such wonderful times that you want them to happen again. You want to go back in time and enjoy it. But only if wishes were horses!

Our mind is a very powerful, it can literally make you feel as if you are there and its all happening now. That gives me hope about a lot of simulations which are being worked on by great scientists. Though I must confess that with time and your will the yearning reduces. Earlier the whole day would pass by when you would just replay all the possible scenarios that played out! The only thing on your mind is finding what went wrong? Whose fault was it? Plus you also feel more hurt when you see that all of this activity doesn't matter. Others have moved on in life. Your existence or your fault finding doesn't matter to them. I guess its the futility of the exercise which helps you see some logic in moving on with life.

Even today when all of it flashback and when you miss things, the best way to bring your mind on track is just telling yourself that its of no use. The best part is I take courage from them that if they are able to move on, so will I .

In love with the new found freedom ........ Experiencing the bliss of forgetting pain and forgiving oneself !

2011-11-14T11:29:00.001-08:00

In love with the new found freedom ........ Experiencing the bliss of forgetting pain and forgiving oneself !
I guess the above line has truly captured my state of mind at this point of time.

Almost got screwed :P

2011-11-13T01:05:00.001-08:00

This incident has to be posted ..... No way I can miss this :)

Yesterday night being a saturday we planned to meet up. So after winding up the days work everyone got ready for a drive. As usual Amar was our driver :P. We had planned to go till our regular Lokhandwala Spot and be back by mid night. Kunal had also joined us this time. On our way we changed the plan as usual and we decided that we will go to Worli Seaface !!! With some cribbing around we finally settled for the Worli plan. Bought a little drinks just to make it memorable. Amar was the first one to start and he drank a can of beer :P

We were stopped by the cops at Juhu Signal and then the drama unveiled ....! For a moment it looked as if the party was gonna be a flop even before it started. The traffic guys very coolly asked him to step out then asked some details, asked for the license.

Fortunately I have never been drinking and driving so never had to face this. But this was close... When you have just had a can of beer and then you have cops shoving down the breath analyzer down your throat its not an easy position to be in :) Ok coming back to the story, we were not the only group there were many others who were being caught and they were asked to go through the test. You have to blow air in that machine. There was some issue I guess because those who were drunk they wont blow for enough time for the machine to register the readings. The suspect is expected to blow air for a considerable amount of time. So we had this one guy who was being checked and he wouldn't blow for the required time and hence the result wont register. This guy was asked to go through the test for some 6 times and finally he tested positive and was sent for blood test. Then Amar was put to test and after some 3 attempts he was tested negative. Then we were supposed to get the licence and drive but didnt happen. The cops also have some targets it seems so they asked him to take the test again. Which he took again but this time the result was not processed I guess. This whole thing took some one and a half hours to get finished with them and get started again.

Then we proceeded to worli seaface. It was a nice ambience there. Enjoyed there till 2.30 :)

One more new beginning.. :)

2011-11-11T11:59:00.001-08:00

One more new beginning.. :)

I have been planning this since a long time almost since 2006. Finally today I took a concrete step to get started. I have filled up the form and all. So now things seems to be going on track! I am enjoying these new changes in life. After a long time I am feeling in control of my life. Seems as if I would have something to look forward to. There has been a lot of things which had allowed me to be lead a life where I was really not being responsible. Life was going on its own. Even I was just going with the flow, this meant a lot of free time and a lot of free space in mind. This is not a very good combination. Your body and mind needs to be occupied so that it develops to its full potential. Probably I wanted to have a very safe life so I was just standing on the edges of life and just seeing it pass. Not anymore, now I want things to move a certain way. I want to be an active participant of life as I have the potential to change it as per my will. A lot of sacrifice has been made for developing that potential. I just cant let that all go waste.

I have decided to do things my way as I please! I would like to follow my own decision making process. There are few more things which needs to be done with. Anyways one at a time.

2011-11-10T10:46:00.001-08:00

The Secret

Relapse is it?

2011-11-09T11:45:00.000-08:00

Just for records I am not addicted to drugs or something :)

A relapse (etymologically, "who falls again") occurs when a person is affected again by a condition that affected him, or her, in the past. This could be a medical or psychological condition such as depression, an eating disorder, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, multiple sclerosis, cancer or an addiction to a drug and or substance abuse.

When we are trying to refrain from something it tempts us more. The more we try the harder it is. Sometimes you give in. We give in so many justification for doing so, anyways but at that time a negative stimuli is required in response to that behavior. The basic pavlov theory stands true. So every time I get a rude response I am getting de-addicted :)

BTW blogging works :)

De-addiction is going on :)

2011-11-08T11:44:00.000-08:00

De-addiction is going on :) (de-addiction is it a real word ??? dunno don care!)

Keeping oneself busy seems to be a nice idea to me. Recently I had messed up my life, had left it completely out of control. But now I have come to believe that some amount of planning and discipline really keeps you going steady. Self restraint is something which I am practicing again. I am very happy the way things are looking right now. I have planned to achieve few things. Have already started some which is going good. I hope that things keep falling in place and efforts get answered!

When the going gets tough, the tough get going!

2011-11-05T13:59:00.000-07:00

Today I met my friend at her place. Grieving do not come with any code! So no one can judge if you are grieving or not and for how long. I never usually go to a funeral. Not because I don't feel the pain, but because I am not sure how to handle once I am there. But may be these are times when you would want to see those familiar faces around you so as to bring that sense of calm within. These are times when your presence matter! So I had to go. I was amazed how my friend handled herself at this juncture, hats off to her!

Life as we know is very fickle!

2011-11-03T13:13:00.000-07:00

Life as we know is very fickle! For a moment you think its all sorted and in the next moment its a mess. Today one of my friend lost her father to a freak accident :( . As far as I have heard he was knocked down by a towing van driven by a drunk driver. Such news just make you shiver. I had met him once when I had went over to her place. I pray to almighty that he gives the family the strength to see through this untimely loss. I just cant believe it.

The news articles are here

http://epaper.timesofindia.com/Default/Scripting/ArticleWin.asp?From=Archive&Source=Page&Skin=MIRRORNEW&BaseHref=MMIR/2011/11/04&PageLabel=6&EntityId=Ar00600&ViewMode=HTML

http://epaper.timesofindia.com/Default/Scripting/ArticleWin.asp?From=Archive&Source=Page&Skin=MIRRORNEW&BaseHref=MMIR/2011/11/04&PageLabel=6&EntityId=Ar00601&ViewMode=HTML

1st little step towards de-addiction :)

2011-11-02T11:52:00.000-07:00

Breaking through addiction is my new motto in life. So obviously finding a new activity topped the list. I have found one and I have taken some serious investment towards it. Its a nice feeling to do something which you have been putting off since a long time. I have recently found a new way of working around things. To do it! The fear of unknown will kill you anyways so its better you try and die! The only additional risk that you run is of being successful at it :) Take every fear head on.

Getting De-addicted

2011-11-01T12:26:00.000-07:00

All good things are addictive. Be it good memories, good times or whatever brings smile to your face and contentment to your heart is addictive. You yearn to have those more and more time. The feeling of well being that it brings makes you a slave. You are so used to these good things that you start taking it for granted. You want to experience it every moment of your life. But then it changes and life don't serve you only those good moments always. This is when the struggle begins, when you start fighting to maintain it. Usually we try fire fighting, when that doesn't work, you try to do a 'system restore' like activity. You start doing things you did initially as if starting over, when this also doesn't work. You start looking for things to be blamed, when you don't find any your are frustrated. The only one to be blamed is you and no one else, this means you are angry on yourself. The whole purpose of living seems meaning less, death doesn't really scare you because life is not a valuable thing for you . Then you start finding ways to get yourself distracted job, friends, useless activities, merriment. All this works only on superficial level.

Now the stage is you are angry on yourself and no distraction works for you. You are disturbed, and you are in a state of despair! You wish for some magic to happen but nothing happens. Its a rut that you are stuck in! a miserable black hole.... you just get sucked in and this is when you start trying to find solace in anything kind. But I guess even this is really not very effective. Addictive's are not really replaceable. This is a fight which you have to win. To bounce back from that pit you need to hit some surface hard. This is usually an event which makes you realize that its gone for ever. This realisational slap should get you back in senses! Once that happens you are on your way back :) But to help you need to do different things. I am going to practice my routine of indifference. I can say that it had served me well. So I am going to get it back. Plus one more activity which should keep me busy with something constructive :)

I guess the de-addiction works out well. As they say "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!" I would emerge stronger from this and may be learn some lesson as well :)

Man that's so unfair ....just so unfair

2011-10-30T11:51:00.000-07:00

There are things that you don't ever want to hear. Sometimes someone says something which might hurt you, but still you want them stand by it. So that you can respect the person. You don't want to feel that how could I possibly not see such a flaw in this person. Today is such a day. I heard a about a truth which I never wanted to hear. I would have had utter respect for the person if he/she would have stood by what was told to me. It was such a disgrace that they didn't stand by what they said. Its a fact that people disappoint you big time. Just two months back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Man that's so unfair ....just so unfair, I am not the right person to judge but still god ! So I guess the whole thing played out this monsoon.... woah WTF! I don't know how would I trust people around me if such are my experiences around me. I really feel very uneasy literally as If I would puke now.

Now I understand what people mean when they say that mental peace is very necessary for good life. Anyways one of my friend is going to get engaged soon!!! May god bless wish them a good life :)