tales from the crib

a likely story...

2013-06-13T22:35:00.000-05:00

the other morning lilianna woke up with a black eye.

the bruise looked like it would have hurt pretty bad, but i didn't remember her getting hurt at all the day before. i found her sleeping on the floor during the night, so i wondered if she had fallen out of bed and bumped it on the railing.

"how did you hurt your eye?"

lilianna looked around and pointed to her closet door.

"i hurt myself on the door right here. i bumped it on the door."

seriously? she's already using the classic battered woman story to explain away a black eye?

what does her future hold?

********************************

tonight lilianna and tessa were playing "house" together (they were supposed to be getting ready for bed).

lilianna didn't want me to brush her teeth because she needed to go read to her "daughter" (tessa) and then tuck her in.

i said to her, "you're such a good little mama."

"you're a good mama too."

*********************************

tate was complaining about how he didn't need any exercise.

lilianna started chuckling to herself:

"one time, when me and zoe went running, we saw a lion."

"really?"

"yeah, we were scared, but then we told it to go away."

**********************************

we've been walking to pick up the girls from the bus stop. tate always goes running ahead.

lilianna runs for a little bit, then sits down in the grass next the sidewalk.

"ugh. walking makes me tired."

"oh, so you can't walk any more? why don't you hold my hand and i'll help you walk."

"no-oo. walking makes me tired."

and off she runs.

************************************
i have a ton of other funny little things she said and did this week, but i'm suddenly having amnesia. she is a funny little kid. no one can roll her eyes with exasperation like she can. i'm fairly certain no one is as stubborn as she is. no one loves me the way she does.

i'm a mom...

2013-06-10T22:29:00.000-05:00

my least favorite question has to be, "so what do you do?"

i got asked this not too long ago at a conference where i was one of the main teachers. i answered, "i'm a mom."

i've never been a big fan of "homemaker." what in the world is that? i suppose some people like "domestic engineer, but that sounds a little too advanced degree for me. "domestic goddess" is more to my taste,but this guy wasn't the kind to take a joke.

i could tell once i'd answered his question that he was waiting for something more. maybe he thought "i'm a mom" was a joke, and he was waiting for my "real answer."

in spite of the fact that people think i'm meek and submissive, i'm actually not really. this guy was bugging me, in spite of the fact that i was trying to like him (he's a fellow calvin grad). i looked at him and waited.

he said, "what qualifies you to teach today?"

this is the point when my friend jumped in to change the subject. she could see we were entering dangerous territory.

it is no secret that i'm having a bit of an identity crisis. my intention before i had kids was always to be "a mom and…." i always wanted a career that i could do alongside being available for my kids.

here i am, four kids later, and i can't really figure out what kind of career i want in general, let alone whether it will allow me to be home with the kids.

as i walked to pick up the girls from the bus stop this afternoon, i was mentally running through my list of what had to be done before guitar lesson, what had to be done after supper and what had to be done before bed. i wondered (not for the first time) how in the world a working mom could get it all done. i started making supper at 2.30 so that it could be ready by 6. how could i get home from a job between 5 and 6 and get supper ready on time? (and even then, supper didn't really turn out and wasn't on the table until 6.30!)

i can't even say "i used to be a...," since the only thing i used to be was a student. i'm not sure which title more quickly drives conversation to a grinding halt, saying "i'm a mom" or "i'm a student." actually, i know this one, at least when one says "i'm a student," people can ask what you are studying.

at one point, tracy beckerman was wrestling with the same conundrum. she writes...

"of course my husband would constantly tell me i was doing a great job with the kids and the kids would tell me i was the world's greatest mommy, but i found it extraordinarily hard on my ego to exist in a working person's world without having a job title." (beckerman, 105)

she then sets out on a journey to discover the "her" that was underneath the mom clothes, mom hairdo and food and glitter that were encrusted on both. she wanted to find a place where being a mom and being herself could happily coexist.

my first thought was, "i can totally relate." but on further reflection, i think i might want something different. i can barely check kid's homework, sign field trip forms and show up to programs on time and on the right day. how will life get better if i'm also trying to juggle some sort of career?

i wish there was a way to feel more fulfilled just by saying, "i'm a mom." i know that there are a lot of moms who find enough fulfillment. i know plenty of women who would argue that being a mom is all they ever wanted and all they want now.

i very much want it to be enough. i want my kids to believe that they are enough. i want to go to bed at the end of the day thinking, "job well done, kiddo."

i meant to write this post claiming that saying, "i'm a mom" would be enough. i want to decry society for making me feel like this isn't enough. but if i'm going to be totally honest, i have to admit that actually it isn't quite enough for me.

when i looked back at this old post, i realized that i had forgotten how good that experience was. i liked it. a lot. i don't know when or if i will get another experience like that, but it has made me realize that i'm going to keep looking for the "something" that i want to pursue. i may not have a direction right now, but i haven't given up looking for one. there has to be someone out there looking for gifts and talents like mine, something out there that has a melanie-shaped hole.

one of these days, i'll plop myself into that hole and feel a sense of satisfaction.

one of these days...

i received a free copy of lost in suburbia compliments of tracy beckerman. she filled her void by writing a humor column for the newspaper. now she appears on tv and the radio and does standup comedy about about how to be a cool mom in the suburbs. i thought her book was a great mix of humor and relatable commentary about the ups and downs of motherhood. i recommend it.

a new rule

2013-06-05T20:49:00.001-05:00

now that zoe is eleven, i can tell that we are both trying to navigate how our relationship will be now that she is older.

she's showing a little too much interest in the conversations bill and i have about issues that really have nothing to do with her.

i'm finding her to be a sympathetic listener and contemplative conversationalist for some of the issues that do concern her.

i'm appreciating her sensitivity to the times i'm dealing with a great deal of disobedience and contention. she has started looking for ways to display more gratitude and helpfulness.

she sometimes takes that too far by taking on the role of parent herself, in hopes that she will ease my burden by mothering her siblings into submission. instead, her comments generally only exacerbate the situation.

i'm enjoying our little inside jokes and the stories that make us both laugh.

she's starting to bring home some of the giddiness and goofiness that she enjoys with her friends at school, but is less...enjoyable...for someone who isn't eleven.

it is in light of this last issue that i have come up with a new rule for our family:

you cannot talk to me the way you talk to your friends at school.

i don't feel completely confident about this rule, but i think we need it.

it isn't that i don't want to joke with zoe. i don't want her to change her personality or try to be someone else with me. but there is something about the way she acts with her friends that makes me uncomfortable when she tries to carry that into our relationship. i hope that we will continue to be friends and that our friendship will grow and develop as she gets older, but, at the end of the day, i am still her mother. she needs to have a certain amount of respect for that position and for the authority that i have. i think we are in danger of crossing the line to losing that authority. there is a blurring of the line going on that is making me feel uncomfortable. i think that we still need a clear boundary between "mother" and "friend" that zoe seems to be losing sight of.

thankfully, i have been able to talk to her about my thinking and reasoning behind this rule. i'm not sure she gets exactly what my concern is, but, at least so far, she seems to respect my desire.

i'm pretty nervous about the teenage years that are all too quickly approaching. i just don't know what rules like this we will have to implement.

i hate to make mistakes, but i sure have a lot of learning to do...

marital melancholia

2013-06-05T20:22:00.003-05:00

maybe it is because i had to read a teen romance novel this last week, and it made me remember what an idealized and idealistic view of romance and marriage (and the belief that they would almost certainly always go together) i had when i was a teenager (and older)...

maybe it is because i heard some of the love songs i listened to before i was married, and i remembered the dreams i had of the time when my prince would come and sweep me off of my feet and sing songs about "somebody" who would make life absolutely blissful...

maybe it because i read this article and learned that "marriage itself seems more endangered every day" and "lesbians are twice as likely as gay men to split up. if women become dissatisfied even when married to other women, maybe the problem with marriage isn't men. maybe women are too particular. maybe even women don't know what women want." later in the article, rule #3 states "don't want a divorce? don't marry a woman." apparently, just like any emotional issues i have should be attributed to "monthly issues," any marital issues i'm having should be attributed to my "stronger general sensitivity to the quality of relationships." in other words, i'm too picky.

maybe it is just that the stress of an uncertain future is finally catching up with me. it turns out that six years of wondering "what comes next?" can really take its toll.

or maybe it because i spent the week reading this book, where all four people in the two main couples had a secret, a secret that had the potential to rip apart the marriage. marriage is described as "a private entity. you could look in from the outside, see the lights in the windows, the beds made and the table set, and assume that there was order and contentment. but the truth was,... it was ultimately a fluid thing, a shape-shifter, holding different, private characteristics at varying points in time" (woodruff, 15)

whatever it may be, i have been feeling a bit disillusioned about marriage this week. how do people survive difficult periods? how does one keep from wondering if the grass is greener? what is it that causes or allows people to push through the difficulties, the frustrations or petty annoyances to find that thing about marriage that makes people dream about it, long for it and finally take the big plunge into so much uncertainty?

maybe the answer is somehow related to something i found at the end of the book:

in the end, the rough patches and the harder things you endured were far more useful and valuable to have survived than the long stretches of calm and peace. mastering the turbulence was how you achieved longevity, by simply making it through, by outlasting the bad. (woodruff, 300)

i'm sure there are times where it seems like nothing could be harder than trying to "outlast...the bad," particularly if it seems like there might not be an end to the bad. regardless, this view is certainly more realistic and beneficial than the way i used to envision marriage.

i know that it is always better to be realistic than idealistic, but sometimes i miss the good ol' idealistic days...

this post was inspired by the novel those we love most by lee woodruff. join from left to write on june 6 as we discuss those we love most. you can also enter to win a live video chat with lee woodruff! as a member, i received a copy of the book for review purposes. regardless, the thoughts and opinions expressed here are purely my own.

she'll "never grow up, never grow up, never grow up. not her! not she! not her!

2013-05-28T22:24:00.001-05:00

i received a free copy of the book five summers as part of my involvement in the teen lit rocks! book club. regardless, the thoughts and opinions expressed here are purely my own. in spite of the cheesiness of the content, i found myself drawn into the plot of the book almost against my will. i give this book a b.

a couple weeks ago, i went on a field trip with zoe's class to the robert crown center for health education. she was pretty nervous about what they were going to say about...well, you know...(whisper) p.u.b.e.r.t.y.

we ended attending a very informative, expertly-handled presentation on the subject. zoe seemed to leave feeling semi-reassured, though certainly dreading most, if not all, of the changes that are coming.

this past weekend, we celebrated zoe's birthday. she's 11 now (gasp! nearly the age i was when i had her!). she had a little un-sleepover party (just a couple friends over; everyone left at 10 to sleep in their own beds (whew)). after everyone left, she confessed that they had spent quite a bit of time talking about boys. zoe likes four (thankfully, we know three of the four and approve of her choices for the most part).

in spite of her various crushes, she feels pretty anti-growing up, an attitude exacerbated by the fact that her class is continuing with "family life education" (she asked me why it is called that, and i honestly have no idea. doesn't it sound a little too euphemistic?). the one burning question she and many of her friends have is, 'when is it going to happen?' i feel like they think it should be something that you can schedule on a calendar or something to look up in an almanac so you know exactly when to expect the big change.

of course there was no way to tell when you would become a woman from a piece of paper. growing up in that way seemed a lot more complicated than having a birthday, or a period, or a certain cup size, or even having s-e-x; not just one thing, but a series like dominos that kept falling down no matter how much you wanted them to stay standing... or, maybe, like a big round of mash with the universe doing the counting for you (lamarche, 196).

in the book five summers, four girls who have spent five summers together at summer camp come together for a reunion event three years later, wondering if they can restore the friendships that have faded over time. unfortunately, they all need to take steps to be honest with each other and themselves as they navigate the difficult waters of friendship, love and growing up.

i think zoe and i are happy to put off a lot of the troubles these girls are going through for as long as possible. is it too much to hope that she could put off some of these issues (especially related to hookups and user/loser boyfriends) indefinitely?

i hope. i hope. i hope.

how did she do it?

2013-05-28T21:54:00.001-05:00

i often hear people say, "i don't know how you do it."

my usual response is, "i don't know either."

but tonight was one of those times where i really thought to myself, "i don't think i can do it."

for some reason, when that happened all i could think of was ma ingalls.

i used to love to read the books about laura ingalls and all her adventures and escapades in the wisconsin woods and the vast prairie and even the small town of walnut grove.

now when i read the books to the kids, i'm horrified by the conditions that laura's mother had to live with.

how did she survive the long, bleak wisconsin winters penned up with 2 small children in a tiny log cabin? how did she manage to get all the chores done that were required just to survive while keeping the kids alive and occupied?

i could barely manage to get supper on the table in the midst of helping kids with homework and projects, dealing with incredible temper tantrums and breaking up horrendous arguments.

that, however, is par for the course.

what really put me over the edge wasn't all that. and it wasn't the poop in the bathtub, although that was more than i wanted to deal with.

what finally seemed like just too much to handle was when lilianna came to "help" and spilled the waffle batter that was taking me an hour to mix together all over the kitchen floor.

too. much.

did i mention that we were having waffles because i had no other groceries in the house? and i barely had what i needed to make the waffles...

unlike ma ingalls, however, i had the fallback of sending everyone to watch a show (something! anything!) to get them out of my way while i cleaned up the kitchen and tried to salvage what was left of dinner before everyone went absolutely crazy from starvation.

this was the point where i wondered how on earth she managed. you never hear her losing her temper in the book. she never yells at pa for being gone too long on his hunting trip. she never leaves pa alone with the kids so she can go on a long "sanity" weekend by herself. how did she do it?

inquiring minds want to know...

image by laura ingalls wilder [public domain], via wikimedia commons

on school projects (ugh!)

2013-05-21T21:48:00.000-05:00

tonight, we have pieces of cardboard with sand glued onto them drying all over the dining room.

tonight, i am happy that tessa and i are both alive, relatively sane and moderately happy.

it is school project time again.

my general policy on school projects is that bill absolutely has to be the one to help the kids with their projects.

here is the reason for that: i absolutely have to get an "a." even on my kids' projects. i have never been as snippy with my kids as when we have been working on a project together (bill can't be available every single time). when they do less than "a"-quality work, i get frustrated. somehow, i can't seem to get myself to gently and patiently explain to them how they could be doing better work. nor am i capable of remaining completely hands off and letting them get the grade they will get.

parents who have hated me for being a "perfect" parent, celebrate! i am imperfect.

recently tate had to do a "noun" project. he quite gleefully chose "saber-tooth cat" (one thing i learned from the project is that there is no such thing as a saber-tooth tiger.) he also insisted adamantly that he wanted to model a cat out of clay.

he not so gleefully realized that it is difficult to mold a recognizable cat out of clay. guess who "helped" him mold his cat? the good news is, we got an "a" on the project.

tessa has to build a replica of the chicago water tower. i asked her to find out what she would be graded on (the teacher neglected to give us a rubric for this project). she will be graded on creativity, attention to detail, and some other random things.

have you ever seen the chicago water tower? do you have any idea how you would build a model of it?

apparently, bill couldn't figure out how to do it either. tessa and i ended up using this postcard as model and cutting out all the pieces (to scale, mind you!) out of cheerios boxes. good thing we eat a lot of cheerios around here.

now the pieces, covered with sand, lie drying all around my dining room. tomorrow we will glue the pieces together and hope for something at least semi-recognizable as the chicago water tower.

i hope "we" get an "a."

proof that tessa is doing the work herself.
also, please ignore the clothes bins in the background.
it's time for the interminable task of sorting out summer clothes.

photos by cortney martin and bill myatt

mysteries

2013-05-19T21:05:00.000-05:00

do you want to know about my kids?

i can tell you about a love for dogs, an amazing ability to make believe, a propensity to break into random pieces of song with no context, or a terrific talent for alien/weaponry/vehicular sound effects.

do you want to know what they will be like twenty years from now?

i have no idea.

at this point in time, someone wants to be a veterinarian, someone else wants to be a vet for kitties, someone else a teacher and someone else...well, let's just hope she doesn't want to stick to momma like glue for the rest of her life.

my kids are mysteries to me.

i do everything i can to pour in particular values, a way of life or a good moral code. i can't guarantee that they will stick with these things in the future. i couldn't even begin to guess what life choices lie ahead of them.

total mysteries.

"should she make it to adulthood, the girl would arrive with two hundred and six bones. two and half million sweat glands. ninety-six thousand kilometers of blood vessels. forty-six chromosomes. seven meters of small intestines. six hundred and six discrete muscles. one hundred billion cerebral neurons. two kidneys. a liver, a heart. a hundred trillion cells that died and were replaced, again and again. but no matter how many ways she dismembered and quantified the body lying beside her, she couldn't say how many years the girl would wait before she married, if at all, or how many children she would have, if any; and between the creation of this body and its end lay the mystery the girl would spend her life solving" (marra, 48-49).

in anthony marra's a constellation of vital phenomena, sonja's duties as the sole doctor in a war-torn village in chechnya are complicated when she is asked to care for a little girl whose dad had been taken to the "landfill." in spite of all her scientific medical knowledge, she too has to admit the mystery found within her young charge.

the task of parenthood is no more daunting than the moment when we realize just how much of our kids' lives is outside of our control. i can limit how many sweets my kids have in a day, take care to plan and cook (relatively) healthy meals for them, and send them outside for some exercise, but i cannot guarantee what kind of adults they will turn out to be, should they "make it to adulthood."

i cannot control, understand or manipulate the mysteries that my kids will spend their lives solving. but i hope to give them as many clues as are appropriate.

i received a free copy of this book as part of my involvement in the from left to write book club. i really like this book and recommend it to you, regardless of the fact that i received it for free.

thinking about dogs...

2013-05-17T22:00:00.001-05:00

we've been dog-sitting for the last few days, and i have to admit, i'm really starting to wonder if i'm up for getting a dog of our own.

i am enjoying our current dog-sittee. he is very laid back, loves the kids, and requires little in the way of exercise and attention. apart from a weird diaper attack and a little too much interest in the kids' stuffed animals, he's very easy to have around.

today i had the opportunity to have the morning to myself. bill took lilianna with him to cheer tessa and tate on for their school's walk-a-thon. he ended up staying to help until tate was done with school, so i had the entire morning free from kids and travel.

it was heaven.

i just found that with the dog around, i couldn't relax completely. i still felt responsible for this creature's needs. unfortunately, he wasn't able to express them to me, and i don't quite know him well enough to read his cues.

i had concern because he had not, ahem, moved his bowels yet. apparently, he is usually pretty regular, like clockwork, but he had not gone yet this morning. to be honest, i didn't really want to take him out myself and have to clean up after him, so i was hoping he could wait until bill got home, but i felt worried enough about him and his needs not to be able to relax.

i felt guilty every time i had to leave the room, because he felt the need to follow me from room to room, even if i was just going to be gone for a minute or two. i thought he surely must be feeling tired and want to rest, but my activity was preventing him from full relaxation.

then there were the moments when he decided to leave the room without me, and i was worried about him making bad choices. the diaper incident was unpleasant, and the kids have not been good about picking up toys that provide temptation for him, so i felt the need to follow him around myself and make sure he made good choices.

i find myself looking forward more and more to next fall when lilianna will be in preschool (as far as i know, anyway), and i will be able to have a significant portion of time to myself during the day. what will life be like when i can actually pursue some of my own interests and have uninterrupted time to myself? if we have a dog, will it feel like one more creature in need of my attention? or will it be good company?

at this point, i can't really imagine telling the kids we won't be getting a dog after all. we have some pretty dog-crazy kids around here. until bill gets a job and we move somewhere else that is dog-friendly, however, the decision is out of our hands.

and, i have to admit, i'm going to enjoy that time for as long as it lasts...

nibble, nibble like a mouse...

2013-05-14T20:07:00.001-05:00

sometimes it seems like lilianna has an insatiable, voracious appetite.

tonight, i served her the same amount of bean and spinach enchilada that i served the big kids. even after we started eating, i thought, "she's never going to be able to eat all that."

not only did she finish her meal, and eat her dessert, when we got in the car to run an errand, she informed me that she was still hungry.

before supper, she wandered into the kitchen while i was finishing up supper. she wanted to eat the insides of the enchilada even before it had been cooked. i told her she needed to wait until it was cooked.

she was quiet for a minute while i kept working and then she giggled and left the room.

then i discovered this...

apparently, if mom says "no" you just go find some other way to satisfy your hunger.

here comes the sun...

2013-05-14T20:00:00.005-05:00

i am all too aware of how much the grey, gloomy days of winter affect me. i have been trying to remember to take vitamin d to help with my gloominess, but nothing compares to the feeling of warm sun on my face.

what i didn't realize is that the cold, grey days were also impacting the kids, at least lilianna anyway.

today was our first warm and sunny day for a long time.

as we walked down the stairs to go get tate from school, lilianna could not stop commenting on how warm it was...

"mom! it's so...warm!"

"we love the sun!"

"it's...
so.
so.
so.
so.
so.
so.
so.
warm today!"

we're all feeling pretty happy today.

photo by wonderlane

good-bye laundry blues (in which i finally make homemade laundry soap)

2013-05-10T22:06:00.001-05:00

while laundry is not my most hated chore, the fact that i pretty much need to do a load a day to stay on top of it makes it move a little bit closer to the bottom of my list.

unfortunately, putting clean clothes (and clean dishes) away is at the bottom of my list. yuck.

this week, my view of doing laundry changed.

i made my own laundry detergent.

i have no logical explanation why this should at all change my attitude toward doing the laundry, but it has.

i feel excited to use my new soap on the laundry.
i like the smell of the clothes when they are washed.
i feel like my washer smells better.
i think my whites might just be whiter.
i feel like i'm doing something good for my family, the environment and our budget.

we'll see how long this laundry euphoria lasts. i have already noticed that not quite as many stains are coming out of my clothes as i originally thought. on the other hand, the new detergent isn't doing a worse job than the old soap, so i haven't really lost anything.

i read a lot of internet suggestions and feedback. here is the simplest recipe i found. i didn't want to make such a humongous batch because i have no place to store it. i did make a double batch because i had extra room in my container when the first batch was done.

1 cup arm and hammer washing soda (not baking soda)

1 cup baking soda (this is baking soda)

1 cup borax

1 cup fels naptha soap, grated

mix it all up and use 2 tablespoons per load. i just drop the soap right into the drum of my high efficiency washing machine.

i put off making this for awhile, because i thought it would be more difficult to grate the bar of fels naptha. i thought i needed to get a special grater for it. i ended up just using my regular grated and washing it well when i was done (you know, with soap, to wash off the soap).

if the clothes seem particularly stinky, i pour some vinegar into the fabric softener section of my washer. even without it, the clothes come out smelling good and have been quite soft.

i'm thinking about trying to make my own dishwasher detergent next. i'll let you know how that turns out.

now if i could just get a homemade something to put the dishes and clothes away for me. oh, wait. that's why i have four kids.

i'd better get right on that...

i'm running this year...care to join me?

2013-05-10T21:38:00.002-05:00

i ran in this last year and i definitely learned a few lessons...

1) this is not fun to do alone. you definitely want to have some friends with you. the more friends the better.

2) this is not a race for a serious runner. this race is about having fun. there are obstacles. you will get muddy. no one cares how fast your time is. many people walk. again, this race is for having fun. lots of it.

3) this is not a race for people who don't want to get dirty. bill and the kids were quite disappointed with me for trying to get through this race without getting muddy. now, thanks to them, i am disappointed in myself. this year i will be crawling through the mud, demonstrating to them and everyone around me that i am a fun person who doesn't mind getting into the spirit of things and getting muddy.

4) this race is not for people who take themselves too seriously. it is much more fun to dress up and be a little crazy. i will be watching at the thrift store for just the right "racing" outfit. and for inexpensive shoes in my size. my pair from last year got sucked away from me in the mud. one of them might still be out there in the field, trying to turn itself into a running shoe tree.

5) this is not a race a race you want to miss. i would love to have you join me.

all of you.

summer swimming

2013-05-09T19:45:00.001-05:00

i'm trying to imagine what kind of a summer we are going to have in regards to water.

last summer, the kids had had only one session of swim lessons. it wasn't really enough to give them confidence in the water.

this year, with the exception of lilianna, they have had a full year of swim lessons. zoe has gone from barely able to swim freestyle, to learning a variety of strokes. she was able to swim the (long) length of the pool at the y-center to earn the privilege of going into the deep end.

tessa recently moved up from the elementary group to the more advanced group. she is developing when it comes to freestyle and is just starting to learn the backstroke.

tate is still in the elementary group, but is doing phenomenally well at learning to kick and breath. to be honest, they are all learning much better form than i have.

even liliana is in the middle of her second session of swimming and has a (little too much) confidence in the water that far exceeds last year. she hardly ever even wanted to go into the pool or the lake last year. this year, i think she will be much more excited about swimming, and probably able to maneuver herself around with floaties or a life jacket.

last summer, i wasn't confident letting zoe go in the deep end without an adult with her. this summer, i think both zoe and tessa will be able to swim freely around the deep end. tate is close, but i think i would still prefer that he only go in the deep end with an adult.

as for the lake, i don't know what to think. i know that the older girls can swim, but i feel like the uncertainty of the current, the variance in the strength of the waves and their lack of experience creates a few too many unknowns. the lifeguards here at the public beaches generally are pretty vigilant. they also do not let the kids swim if there is any possibility of an undertow. unfortunately, when we are in michigan, there are no lifeguards and it is hard to know if there might be an undertow.

i think when it comes to the lake, i will keep our same rule: you can only go as far out as waist deep, unless you are with an adult.

overall, i think it should be an exciting summer, now that we have such experienced swimmers.

graduation day

2013-05-09T19:40:00.001-05:00

six years ago, we moved to chicago filled with uncertainty...

what would it be like to live in such a big city?
how would we navigate the chicago public school system?
where would we shop for clothes, groceries and other necessities?
how would we (all) make friends?
how would we survive financially?
how long would it take bill to finish his degree?

six years later, so many of these questions have been answered:

we love living in a big city, filled with an amazing variety of incredible opportunities everywhere you look.
you survive the chicago public school system one year at a time
we shop for clothes at the thrift store and wherever there are sales and groceries at whatever store is closest or is on the way to or from another errand.
we (all) have friends we love. in fact, we can't imagine life without the friends we've made.
we have survived financially year by year completely by the grace of God. there is no other explanation.
it took bill five and half years to finish his degree.

today we had the joyous pleasure of watching bill get his hood. even though it felt slightly anti-climactic (he had already received his diploma in the mail), it was amazing to watch the ceremony and realize all that happened before this momentous occasion could actually take place.

now we are facing more unknown as we wait to see where bill will be able to get a job...

let's hope this unknown is resolved as wonderfully (and soon!).

happy days are here again...

2013-05-07T22:06:00.001-05:00

i vaguely remember something reminiscent of sunshine happening…last week was it?

of course, it's hard to remember very well since those two days of temps in the eighties were immediately followed by a series of days in the forties, along with some serious rain.

this week we're experiencing something a lot more recognizable as spring weather. cold nights, chilly mornings and warmer afternoons, where you can't decide if you should wear your jacket for the shady spots, or go without so you don't bake in the sun.

i may not need to say this (you may have noticed a posting vacuum around here for a few months), but the winter was particularly difficult for me.

here are just a few spring things that are lifting my spirits and bringing me back to the land of those who live cheerfully:

daffodils
robins
tulips
crocuses (croci?)
tulip trees
dimpled elbows
dogwood trees
knobby knees
sunshine
playground time
lilianna skip-hopping down the sidewalk
deep blue sky
tate's stick obsession
bird calls
short sleeves
open windows
sending kids outside
warm breezes tousling hair

how about you? what are your favorite things about spring?

photo by soekfoto

creepy

2013-05-06T23:12:00.005-05:00

the other day someone posted a link to a thread on reddit: "what is the creepiest thing your kid has ever said to you?"

i couldn't think of anything particularly creepy my own kids have said, so i thought that i would check out what other people wrote.

it turns out that my kids have said some creepy things, they just didn't strike me as particularly creepy at the time.

several people described kids who wanted to cut babies out of mother's tummies. just the other day, i told tate to stop being the mom to lilianna.

"do you want to the mom? do you want to be a mom when you grow up?"

tate grinned. "no. moms have to have babies cut right out of their tummies."

i understood that he just didn't know any other way that babies would come out of their moms' tummies.

i explained to him that babies are not (necessarily) cut out of their moms' tummies.

"how do they get out then?"

thankfully i was prepared for the simple answer to this question thanks to zoe and tessa. even more thankfully, he didn't ask me how babies get into their moms' tummies!

another strain of "creepy" things involved kids seeming to refer to past lives.

we have this all the time.

lilianna will often inform us that when she was the mommy and i was the baby, she took care of us. tate used to ask me if he could have something back that had passed on to lilianna "when i'm a baby again."

again, i never really thought that the kids were speaking of actual past lives; i just assumed that they had a much more fluid view of time than i do.

the third strain of creepy things, in my mind, were truly creepy. this involved kids who would describe various people they saw in various rooms or corners of rooms. some of these people were beneficent, like a long dead grandfather who would come say goodbye each night. but others that were described were much more malevolent.

i was glad that, so far, my kids have not said these kind of creepy things.

then this happened…

every day tate wants to walk home from tessa's bus stop along a certain road because he wants to see the "haunted house."

this is a house set well back from the sidewalk that looks abandoned. windows are broken, pieces are falling off. it certainly doesn't meet the standards of the rest of the neighborhood.

today, on our way to the bus stop, i had noticed a little tikes car sitting with the garbage in the alley behind the "haunted house." i figured if it was in decent shape, i was let lilianna have it. unfortunately, the car was unusable, but tate was excited to see the haunted house from the other side. as we approached, i noticed that it was even more creepy from behind. the back of the house butts right up to the alley, with no yard or fence to act as a buffer.

i pointed out the house to him, and he began to talk loudly about the haunted house.

suddenly there was a noise like a difficult window being forced open, but no one was at any of the windows.

we quickly and quietly walked away.

i think we'll take a different way home tomorrow...

photo by ~sage~

in which we learn it is okay to be wrong...

2013-05-05T19:24:00.001-05:00

lately we have been trying to convince zoe that it is okay 1) to be wrong and 2) to admit she's wrong.

we are currently in that delightful phase where someone will ask a question at the dinner table and zoe will confidently provide an answer. not necessarily the right answer, but a confident and well articulated answer nonetheless.

when one of us who actually knows the answer tries to inform she might in fact be incorrect, she has a never-ending supply of reasons or excuses to justify her answer or to explain why her answer is also correct.

here is an example:

the other night tessa asked us if we knew what chummy (pronounced chum-way) is. we had a lot of guesses. tessa finally told us it is a kind of fruit, but did we know where it was from? again, we had plenty of guesses, but it wasn't until tate said chirea, that we were able to correctly guess korea.

zoe chimed in, "oh, yeah. i remember that fruit. it tastes kind of like a pear."

tessa explained, "no, it's a melon."

zoe defended, "well, i meant it's like a pear but it tastes like a melon."

zoe has never tasted or seen a chummy. she just couldn't seem to handle the idea that tessa might know something she didn't. she was absolutely convinced (and convincing) that she had knowledge of the chummy.

thankfully, we are on to her little game, so after a little lighthearted teasing, she was (grudgingly) willing to admit she may have less (and by less i mean absolutely zero) knowledge of the chummy than she previously thought.

of course, the nice thing about observing such a glaring fault in your child is recognizing your own propensity toward the same fault. if you care to know, i am now willing to admit that i am often wrong.

i may even be wrong at this very moment…

photo from specialty produce

at least she shows a semblance of logic...

2013-04-27T23:15:00.001-05:00

tonight at supper, we had southwestern stuffed peppers, which, surprisingly, is actually liked by everyone. one of the toppings is sour cream, but we use greek plain yogurt instead.

after lilianna ate a pepper and a half (more than any of the other kids), she asked for some yogurt. i tried to explain to her that it doesn't taste very good on its own, but she was insistent. i gave her just a dab on her plate so she could try it and see how sour it is.

she licked that up with her finger and immediately asked for more. i gave her a dollop, and she ate the whole thing, only to ask for more again. i gave her another dollop, and she used her finger to get it all off her plate.

needless to say, by the time she was done, she was pretty messy with yogurt, both on her hands and on her face.

i told her she needed to wipe off her hands and face, adding, more to myself than to her, "i wish you had used a spoon instead of your finger."

she looked at my knowingly, with a twinkle in her eye: "forks aren't for yogurt. spoons are for yogurt." with a chuckle, she got down of her seat to go get herself a treat.

she's right of course. forks aren't for yogurt. spoons are for yogurt. now you know it, and i know it.

decisions, decisions

2013-04-26T15:41:00.003-05:00

when i made the decision to go back to school after working for a year (which is really the only year of my life that i've held a full-time job), i asked anyone and everyone where they thought i should go to school.

i was looking at two schools in michigan and one in chicago, partly because my very good friend had gone there, and partly because i was dating someone who had just move to chicago.

the weird thing was that no matter who i asked for advice, i would leave the conversation feeling like i was "supposed to" go to chicago for school.

it made much more sense logically to go to one of the michigan schools. i only knew the one boy in chicago. chicago is farther from home and it has a higher cost of living. logically, i should have made the decision to go to michigan.

instead, i rather irrationally made the decision to go to chicago.

...and there i met bill.

and we've lived happily ever after.

in jessi kirby's golden, parker spends much of her senior year reflecting on the impact that a single decision, made however casually, can have on one's life. as she struggles to make decisions that will please her more rebellious friend while balancing decisions to please her strict and uptight mother, she wonders what kind of decisions she should make for her own happiness.

i have often wondered (during the not-so-happy days) how my life would be different if i had decided to go to school in michigan. would i ever have left michigan? would i have gotten married? then i realize that i definitely wouldn't have had the four (lovely) kids that i do now. that thought is just a little too freaky for me (in spite of the fact that two of them are having the most inane argument right now), and i have to stop.

i do wish that i could be at this stage of my life and not still wondering what kind of decisions i should make for the future. the fact that i can be this age and still relating to a senior in high school trying to make decisions about school and career is somewhat humbling. i feel like i should be a little bit further down the path to a career.

on the other hand, it is exciting still to have a world of possibility open to me. what is it that lies just around the bend for me?

let's just say, i hope there's something...

i received a free copy of this book as part of my involvement in the teen lit rocks! book club. regardless, the thoughts and opinions expressed here are thoroughly my own. i thought this book was very well written and provoked a great deal of thought and reflection. i give it an a-.

top ten reasons why i'll never be a perfect mom

2013-04-24T22:27:00.002-05:00

10. i count the hours until naptime and bedtime.

9. i take a nap almost every day, even though my kids don't.

8. i don't like going to the park.

7. i start to have a teachable moment with the kids
but then i lose my train of thought in the middle of it.
that's when i realize no one was listening anyway.

6. i buy my kids unhealthy treats, like froot loops donuts,
just because i saw a picture of them on facebook.

5. when i actually bake things like cookies, i hope the kids don't find out.

4. i've been known to hide in the bathroom.

3. i've been known to feign sleep when i think it is bill's turn with the kids.

2. occasionally, i lose my kid in a crowd.

1. i'm so absent-minded my kids think they have to parent on my behalf.

photo by johan larkander

end of the week

2013-04-19T20:06:00.004-05:00

even though it feels like it was monday just a moment ago, i always feel a sense of amazement that we actually made it to friday when we get here.

in spite of our desire to keep the kids from feeling too busy, we have a lot going on. tessa takes guitar on mondays. tate and tessa have swimming on wednesdays and, now that zoe is rehearsing for her play, she needs to be picked up from school about three days a week (which will move to five days a week as the performance approaches). add to that the fact that tate needs to be dropped off and picked up every day and the week starts to feel pretty busy.

i'm always glad for friday.

everyone seems more relaxed on a friday night. suppertime can get a little out of control, but is also filled with plenty of stories and laughter.

the best part is when the kids are actually all tucked away into bed.

in the midst of the chaos, it can be hard for bill and i to find time to connect during the week. both of us find it necessary to catch up on daily chores and other jobs during the evenings. but friday night we like to take the night off.

we pop a (big) bowl of popcorn, brew some tea and head to the living room couch. we're currently in the midst of a couple different shows on netflix, when we get a spare moment to watch, but friday nights are good nights for a movie.

that's what we'll be doing tonight.

anyone have any recommendations?

photo by film_fatale

the soundtrack of my (dating) life

2013-04-18T21:49:00.002-05:00

i finished reading the perks of being a wallflower not too long ago.

it's pretty good.

in the book, charlie works really hard at making mix tapes for his closest friends.

i miss mix tapes.

i have been thinking about what kind of songs would make up the soundtrack of my life thus far. in the short time that i spent on it this evening, it was hard not to think about all the songs associated with all the guys i liked or dated.

i like a wide variety of music. and i am easily influenced. the songs that came most quickly and easily to mind were songs that various guys either liked, got me to like or put on a mix tape for me. there are also a few songs i remember dancing to at those awkward school dances (when i was taller than 75% of the guys).

i didn't spend a whole lot of time on this, but i thought i would share with you a tentative playlist, if not for my life, at least for my dating career or love life.

let me know what you think.

tell what songs would make your playlist.

the benefit of the doubt

2013-04-17T22:24:00.000-05:00

we've been rather immersed in star wars lately.

we've been listening to the radio version of episode three in the car, at bedtime and throughout the day. as if that weren't enough, we've had a star wars party, been reading star wars books and folding star wars origami.

even though i know that i went to see return of the jedi when it was first in the theater, i remember absolutely nothing about it except something to do with jabba the hut and princess leia chained up with very little clothing. since i hadn't seen the first two movies, i'm sure i was completely confused the entire time. i would love to get the radio versions of the empire strikes back and return of the jedi just so i can get a complete picture of the full story.

what boggles my brain is the fact that (spoiler alert) luke is able to convince darth vader to return from the dark side. in my mind, darth vader epitomizes pure evil. why doesn't luke give up him like everyone else has? surely darth is a lost cause if there ever was one. can you spend that much time wrapped up in the dark side and still have a smidgen of ability to cross back over?

apparently so.

which now leads me to wonder...

what about the people in our lives who seem to have crossed over into the "dark side"?

sometimes in conversations that i have with people, i am amazed at how quickly and easily someone can be considered a lost cause. a person who has different views or opinions from us or who has changed drastically from the person we thought we knew seems to be a hopeless case.

is this really fair?

it's possible that if we were willing to take the time to listen, to find out what is "underneath the mask," we might find the remnants of the person we know and love. we might find out that the person we know and love has been fighting a hard battle, a battle we know nothing about (perhaps even a battle it might benefit us to engage in a little bit).

really the question to be asked is not that much different than the question that luke has to ask himself over and over again in this scene: will he be ruled by hate and anger? or will love win the day?

anakin's final words are: "you were right, luke. tell your sister you were right." think how amazing it would be if you chose to believe in someone, instead of giving up like many have, gave that person the benefit of the doubt, and then heard them say words like this to you.

i'd like to be the kind of person who chooses to err on the side of love, rather than hate.

the best i can

2013-04-16T22:56:00.002-05:00

tuesdays are hard.

bill puts in an extra long day on tuesdays, so that he can be more available to us the rest of the week. i'm glad to give him some extra time to get work done, but the day absolutely wears me out.

the truth is, at the end of the day, i don't like the person i've become.

i've nagged kids to put their stuff away. i've nagged kids to eat their supper. i've nagged kids to clean up after themselves, get their pjs on and let me brush their teeth.

nag, nag, nag.

i would absolutely love it if i could say things one time, and that was all that was needed. i'm pretty sure i could say things nicely and sweetly pretty consistently. i would love it if three out of four, or even two out of four, would listen right away to what i say so that i only had to push harder with two out of four.

then i read posts like these from other moms and i really hate myself.

what is the line between considering what can be improved in our parenting and recognizing that we are all just doing the best we can do?

i would love to be a better mom. i would love it if i never yelled, never got crabby, always paid attention, never got annoyed and never wished i could be somewhere, anywhere, else. unfortunately, i am guilty of all these things every single day.

i feel embarrassed to say this, but i'm just letting the parenting correctiveness go. i just honestly don't think i can do any better than what i'm doing already. if i'm messing up, or damaging my kids' psyches, they're just going to have to get counseling to straighten them out. i'm doing the best i can.

i'm doing the best i can.