tales from the crib

thinking about dogs...

2013-05-17T22:00:00.001-05:00

we've been dog-sitting for the last few days, and i have to admit, i'm really starting to wonder if i'm up for getting a dog of our own.

i am enjoying our current dog-sittee. he is very laid back, loves the kids, and requires little in the way of exercise and attention. apart from a weird diaper attack and a little too much interest in the kids' stuffed animals, he's very easy to have around.

today i had the opportunity to have the morning to myself. bill took lilianna with him to cheer tessa and tate on for their school's walk-a-thon. he ended up staying to help until tate was done with school, so i had the entire morning free from kids and travel.

it was heaven.

i just found that with the dog around, i couldn't relax completely. i still felt responsible for this creature's needs. unfortunately, he wasn't able to express them to me, and i don't quite know him well enough to read his cues.

i had concern because he had not, ahem, moved his bowels yet. apparently, he is usually pretty regular, like clockwork, but he had not gone yet this morning. to be honest, i didn't really want to take him out myself and have to clean up after him, so i was hoping he could wait until bill got home, but i felt worried enough about him and his needs not to be able to relax.

i felt guilty every time i had to leave the room, because he felt the need to follow me from room to room, even if i was just going to be gone for a minute or two. i thought he surely must be feeling tired and want to rest, but my activity was preventing him from full relaxation.

then there were the moments when he decided to leave the room without me, and i was worried about him making bad choices. the diaper incident was unpleasant, and the kids have not been good about picking up toys that provide temptation for him, so i felt the need to follow him around myself and make sure he made good choices.

i find myself looking forward more and more to next fall when lilianna will be in preschool (as far as i know, anyway), and i will be able to have a significant portion of time to myself during the day. what will life be like when i can actually pursue some of my own interests and have uninterrupted time to myself? if we have a dog, will it feel like one more creature in need of my attention? or will it be good company?

at this point, i can't really imagine telling the kids we won't be getting a dog after all. we have some pretty dog-crazy kids around here. until bill gets a job and we move somewhere else that is dog-friendly, however, the decision is out of our hands.

and, i have to admit, i'm going to enjoy that time for as long as it lasts...

nibble, nibble like a mouse...

2013-05-14T20:07:00.001-05:00

sometimes it seems like lilianna has an insatiable, voracious appetite.

tonight, i served her the same amount of bean and spinach enchilada that i served the big kids. even after we started eating, i thought, "she's never going to be able to eat all that."

not only did she finish her meal, and eat her dessert, when we got in the car to run an errand, she informed me that she was still hungry.

before supper, she wandered into the kitchen while i was finishing up supper. she wanted to eat the insides of the enchilada even before it had been cooked. i told her she needed to wait until it was cooked.

she was quiet for a minute while i kept working and then she giggled and left the room.

then i discovered this...

apparently, if mom says "no" you just go find some other way to satisfy your hunger.

here comes the sun...

2013-05-14T20:00:00.005-05:00

i am all too aware of how much the grey, gloomy days of winter affect me. i have been trying to remember to take vitamin d to help with my gloominess, but nothing compares to the feeling of warm sun on my face.

what i didn't realize is that the cold, grey days were also impacting the kids, at least lilianna anyway.

today was our first warm and sunny day for a long time.

as we walked down the stairs to go get tate from school, lilianna could not stop commenting on how warm it was...

"mom! it's so...warm!"

"we love the sun!"

"it's...
so.
so.
so.
so.
so.
so.
so.
warm today!"

we're all feeling pretty happy today.

photo by wonderlane

good-bye laundry blues (in which i finally make homemade laundry soap)

2013-05-10T22:06:00.001-05:00

while laundry is not my most hated chore, the fact that i pretty much need to do a load a day to stay on top of it makes it move a little bit closer to the bottom of my list.

unfortunately, putting clean clothes (and clean dishes) away is at the bottom of my list. yuck.

this week, my view of doing laundry changed.

i made my own laundry detergent.

i have no logical explanation why this should at all change my attitude toward doing the laundry, but it has.

i feel excited to use my new soap on the laundry.
i like the smell of the clothes when they are washed.
i feel like my washer smells better.
i think my whites might just be whiter.
i feel like i'm doing something good for my family, the environment and our budget.

we'll see how long this laundry euphoria lasts. i have already noticed that not quite as many stains are coming out of my clothes as i originally thought. on the other hand, the new detergent isn't doing a worse job than the old soap, so i haven't really lost anything.

i read a lot of internet suggestions and feedback. here is the simplest recipe i found. i didn't want to make such a humongous batch because i have no place to store it. i did make a double batch because i had extra room in my container when the first batch was done.

1 cup arm and hammer washing soda (not baking soda)

1 cup baking soda (this is baking soda)

1 cup borax

1 cup fels naptha soap, grated

mix it all up and use 2 tablespoons per load. i just drop the soap right into the drum of my high efficiency washing machine.

i put off making this for awhile, because i thought it would be more difficult to grate the bar of fels naptha. i thought i needed to get a special grater for it. i ended up just using my regular grated and washing it well when i was done (you know, with soap, to wash off the soap).

if the clothes seem particularly stinky, i pour some vinegar into the fabric softener section of my washer. even without it, the clothes come out smelling good and have been quite soft.

i'm thinking about trying to make my own dishwasher detergent next. i'll let you know how that turns out.

now if i could just get a homemade something to put the dishes and clothes away for me. oh, wait. that's why i have four kids.

i'd better get right on that...

i'm running this year...care to join me?

2013-05-10T21:38:00.002-05:00

i ran in this last year and i definitely learned a few lessons...

1) this is not fun to do alone. you definitely want to have some friends with you. the more friends the better.

2) this is not a race for a serious runner. this race is about having fun. there are obstacles. you will get muddy. no one cares how fast your time is. many people walk. again, this race is for having fun. lots of it.

3) this is not a race for people who don't want to get dirty. bill and the kids were quite disappointed with me for trying to get through this race without getting muddy. now, thanks to them, i am disappointed in myself. this year i will be crawling through the mud, demonstrating to them and everyone around me that i am a fun person who doesn't mind getting into the spirit of things and getting muddy.

4) this race is not for people who take themselves too seriously. it is much more fun to dress up and be a little crazy. i will be watching at the thrift store for just the right "racing" outfit. and for inexpensive shoes in my size. my pair from last year got sucked away from me in the mud. one of them might still be out there in the field, trying to turn itself into a running shoe tree.

5) this is not a race a race you want to miss. i would love to have you join me.

all of you.

summer swimming

2013-05-09T19:45:00.001-05:00

i'm trying to imagine what kind of a summer we are going to have in regards to water.

last summer, the kids had had only one session of swim lessons. it wasn't really enough to give them confidence in the water.

this year, with the exception of lilianna, they have had a full year of swim lessons. zoe has gone from barely able to swim freestyle, to learning a variety of strokes. she was able to swim the (long) length of the pool at the y-center to earn the privilege of going into the deep end.

tessa recently moved up from the elementary group to the more advanced group. she is developing when it comes to freestyle and is just starting to learn the backstroke.

tate is still in the elementary group, but is doing phenomenally well at learning to kick and breath. to be honest, they are all learning much better form than i have.

even liliana is in the middle of her second session of swimming and has a (little too much) confidence in the water that far exceeds last year. she hardly ever even wanted to go into the pool or the lake last year. this year, i think she will be much more excited about swimming, and probably able to maneuver herself around with floaties or a life jacket.

last summer, i wasn't confident letting zoe go in the deep end without an adult with her. this summer, i think both zoe and tessa will be able to swim freely around the deep end. tate is close, but i think i would still prefer that he only go in the deep end with an adult.

as for the lake, i don't know what to think. i know that the older girls can swim, but i feel like the uncertainty of the current, the variance in the strength of the waves and their lack of experience creates a few too many unknowns. the lifeguards here at the public beaches generally are pretty vigilant. they also do not let the kids swim if there is any possibility of an undertow. unfortunately, when we are in michigan, there are no lifeguards and it is hard to know if there might be an undertow.

i think when it comes to the lake, i will keep our same rule: you can only go as far out as waist deep, unless you are with an adult.

overall, i think it should be an exciting summer, now that we have such experienced swimmers.

graduation day

2013-05-09T19:40:00.001-05:00

six years ago, we moved to chicago filled with uncertainty...

what would it be like to live in such a big city?
how would we navigate the chicago public school system?
where would we shop for clothes, groceries and other necessities?
how would we (all) make friends?
how would we survive financially?
how long would it take bill to finish his degree?

six years later, so many of these questions have been answered:

we love living in a big city, filled with an amazing variety of incredible opportunities everywhere you look.
you survive the chicago public school system one year at a time
we shop for clothes at the thrift store and wherever there are sales and groceries at whatever store is closest or is on the way to or from another errand.
we (all) have friends we love. in fact, we can't imagine life without the friends we've made.
we have survived financially year by year completely by the grace of God. there is no other explanation.
it took bill five and half years to finish his degree.

today we had the joyous pleasure of watching bill get his hood. even though it felt slightly anti-climactic (he had already received his diploma in the mail), it was amazing to watch the ceremony and realize all that happened before this momentous occasion could actually take place.

now we are facing more unknown as we wait to see where bill will be able to get a job...

let's hope this unknown is resolved as wonderfully (and soon!).

happy days are here again...

2013-05-07T22:06:00.001-05:00

i vaguely remember something reminiscent of sunshine happening…last week was it?

of course, it's hard to remember very well since those two days of temps in the eighties were immediately followed by a series of days in the forties, along with some serious rain.

this week we're experiencing something a lot more recognizable as spring weather. cold nights, chilly mornings and warmer afternoons, where you can't decide if you should wear your jacket for the shady spots, or go without so you don't bake in the sun.

i may not need to say this (you may have noticed a posting vacuum around here for a few months), but the winter was particularly difficult for me.

here are just a few spring things that are lifting my spirits and bringing me back to the land of those who live cheerfully:

daffodils
robins
tulips
crocuses (croci?)
tulip trees
dimpled elbows
dogwood trees
knobby knees
sunshine
playground time
lilianna skip-hopping down the sidewalk
deep blue sky
tate's stick obsession
bird calls
short sleeves
open windows
sending kids outside
warm breezes tousling hair

how about you? what are your favorite things about spring?

photo by soekfoto

creepy

2013-05-06T23:12:00.005-05:00

the other day someone posted a link to a thread on reddit: "what is the creepiest thing your kid has ever said to you?"

i couldn't think of anything particularly creepy my own kids have said, so i thought that i would check out what other people wrote.

it turns out that my kids have said some creepy things, they just didn't strike me as particularly creepy at the time.

several people described kids who wanted to cut babies out of mother's tummies. just the other day, i told tate to stop being the mom to lilianna.

"do you want to the mom? do you want to be a mom when you grow up?"

tate grinned. "no. moms have to have babies cut right out of their tummies."

i understood that he just didn't know any other way that babies would come out of their moms' tummies.

i explained to him that babies are not (necessarily) cut out of their moms' tummies.

"how do they get out then?"

thankfully i was prepared for the simple answer to this question thanks to zoe and tessa. even more thankfully, he didn't ask me how babies get into their moms' tummies!

another strain of "creepy" things involved kids seeming to refer to past lives.

we have this all the time.

lilianna will often inform us that when she was the mommy and i was the baby, she took care of us. tate used to ask me if he could have something back that had passed on to lilianna "when i'm a baby again."

again, i never really thought that the kids were speaking of actual past lives; i just assumed that they had a much more fluid view of time than i do.

the third strain of creepy things, in my mind, were truly creepy. this involved kids who would describe various people they saw in various rooms or corners of rooms. some of these people were beneficent, like a long dead grandfather who would come say goodbye each night. but others that were described were much more malevolent.

i was glad that, so far, my kids have not said these kind of creepy things.

then this happened…

every day tate wants to walk home from tessa's bus stop along a certain road because he wants to see the "haunted house."

this is a house set well back from the sidewalk that looks abandoned. windows are broken, pieces are falling off. it certainly doesn't meet the standards of the rest of the neighborhood.

today, on our way to the bus stop, i had noticed a little tikes car sitting with the garbage in the alley behind the "haunted house." i figured if it was in decent shape, i was let lilianna have it. unfortunately, the car was unusable, but tate was excited to see the haunted house from the other side. as we approached, i noticed that it was even more creepy from behind. the back of the house butts right up to the alley, with no yard or fence to act as a buffer.

i pointed out the house to him, and he began to talk loudly about the haunted house.

suddenly there was a noise like a difficult window being forced open, but no one was at any of the windows.

we quickly and quietly walked away.

i think we'll take a different way home tomorrow...

photo by ~sage~

in which we learn it is okay to be wrong...

2013-05-05T19:24:00.001-05:00

lately we have been trying to convince zoe that it is okay 1) to be wrong and 2) to admit she's wrong.

we are currently in that delightful phase where someone will ask a question at the dinner table and zoe will confidently provide an answer. not necessarily the right answer, but a confident and well articulated answer nonetheless.

when one of us who actually knows the answer tries to inform she might in fact be incorrect, she has a never-ending supply of reasons or excuses to justify her answer or to explain why her answer is also correct.

here is an example:

the other night tessa asked us if we knew what chummy (pronounced chum-way) is. we had a lot of guesses. tessa finally told us it is a kind of fruit, but did we know where it was from? again, we had plenty of guesses, but it wasn't until tate said chirea, that we were able to correctly guess korea.

zoe chimed in, "oh, yeah. i remember that fruit. it tastes kind of like a pear."

tessa explained, "no, it's a melon."

zoe defended, "well, i meant it's like a pear but it tastes like a melon."

zoe has never tasted or seen a chummy. she just couldn't seem to handle the idea that tessa might know something she didn't. she was absolutely convinced (and convincing) that she had knowledge of the chummy.

thankfully, we are on to her little game, so after a little lighthearted teasing, she was (grudgingly) willing to admit she may have less (and by less i mean absolutely zero) knowledge of the chummy than she previously thought.

of course, the nice thing about observing such a glaring fault in your child is recognizing your own propensity toward the same fault. if you care to know, i am now willing to admit that i am often wrong.

i may even be wrong at this very moment…

photo from specialty produce

at least she shows a semblance of logic...

2013-04-27T23:15:00.001-05:00

tonight at supper, we had southwestern stuffed peppers, which, surprisingly, is actually liked by everyone. one of the toppings is sour cream, but we use greek plain yogurt instead.

after lilianna ate a pepper and a half (more than any of the other kids), she asked for some yogurt. i tried to explain to her that it doesn't taste very good on its own, but she was insistent. i gave her just a dab on her plate so she could try it and see how sour it is.

she licked that up with her finger and immediately asked for more. i gave her a dollop, and she ate the whole thing, only to ask for more again. i gave her another dollop, and she used her finger to get it all off her plate.

needless to say, by the time she was done, she was pretty messy with yogurt, both on her hands and on her face.

i told her she needed to wipe off her hands and face, adding, more to myself than to her, "i wish you had used a spoon instead of your finger."

she looked at my knowingly, with a twinkle in her eye: "forks aren't for yogurt. spoons are for yogurt." with a chuckle, she got down of her seat to go get herself a treat.

she's right of course. forks aren't for yogurt. spoons are for yogurt. now you know it, and i know it.

decisions, decisions

2013-04-26T15:41:00.003-05:00

when i made the decision to go back to school after working for a year (which is really the only year of my life that i've held a full-time job), i asked anyone and everyone where they thought i should go to school.

i was looking at two schools in michigan and one in chicago, partly because my very good friend had gone there, and partly because i was dating someone who had just move to chicago.

the weird thing was that no matter who i asked for advice, i would leave the conversation feeling like i was "supposed to" go to chicago for school.

it made much more sense logically to go to one of the michigan schools. i only knew the one boy in chicago. chicago is farther from home and it has a higher cost of living. logically, i should have made the decision to go to michigan.

instead, i rather irrationally made the decision to go to chicago.

...and there i met bill.

and we've lived happily ever after.

in jessi kirby's golden, parker spends much of her senior year reflecting on the impact that a single decision, made however casually, can have on one's life. as she struggles to make decisions that will please her more rebellious friend while balancing decisions to please her strict and uptight mother, she wonders what kind of decisions she should make for her own happiness.

i have often wondered (during the not-so-happy days) how my life would be different if i had decided to go to school in michigan. would i ever have left michigan? would i have gotten married? then i realize that i definitely wouldn't have had the four (lovely) kids that i do now. that thought is just a little too freaky for me (in spite of the fact that two of them are having the most inane argument right now), and i have to stop.

i do wish that i could be at this stage of my life and not still wondering what kind of decisions i should make for the future. the fact that i can be this age and still relating to a senior in high school trying to make decisions about school and career is somewhat humbling. i feel like i should be a little bit further down the path to a career.

on the other hand, it is exciting still to have a world of possibility open to me. what is it that lies just around the bend for me?

let's just say, i hope there's something...

i received a free copy of this book as part of my involvement in the teen lit rocks! book club. regardless, the thoughts and opinions expressed here are thoroughly my own. i thought this book was very well written and provoked a great deal of thought and reflection. i give it an a-.

top ten reasons why i'll never be a perfect mom

2013-04-24T22:27:00.002-05:00

10. i count the hours until naptime and bedtime.

9. i take a nap almost every day, even though my kids don't.

8. i don't like going to the park.

7. i start to have a teachable moment with the kids
but then i lose my train of thought in the middle of it.
that's when i realize no one was listening anyway.

6. i buy my kids unhealthy treats, like froot loops donuts,
just because i saw a picture of them on facebook.

5. when i actually bake things like cookies, i hope the kids don't find out.

4. i've been known to hide in the bathroom.

3. i've been known to feign sleep when i think it is bill's turn with the kids.

2. occasionally, i lose my kid in a crowd.

1. i'm so absent-minded my kids think they have to parent on my behalf.

photo by johan larkander

end of the week

2013-04-19T20:06:00.004-05:00

even though it feels like it was monday just a moment ago, i always feel a sense of amazement that we actually made it to friday when we get here.

in spite of our desire to keep the kids from feeling too busy, we have a lot going on. tessa takes guitar on mondays. tate and tessa have swimming on wednesdays and, now that zoe is rehearsing for her play, she needs to be picked up from school about three days a week (which will move to five days a week as the performance approaches). add to that the fact that tate needs to be dropped off and picked up every day and the week starts to feel pretty busy.

i'm always glad for friday.

everyone seems more relaxed on a friday night. suppertime can get a little out of control, but is also filled with plenty of stories and laughter.

the best part is when the kids are actually all tucked away into bed.

in the midst of the chaos, it can be hard for bill and i to find time to connect during the week. both of us find it necessary to catch up on daily chores and other jobs during the evenings. but friday night we like to take the night off.

we pop a (big) bowl of popcorn, brew some tea and head to the living room couch. we're currently in the midst of a couple different shows on netflix, when we get a spare moment to watch, but friday nights are good nights for a movie.

that's what we'll be doing tonight.

anyone have any recommendations?

photo by film_fatale

the soundtrack of my (dating) life

2013-04-18T21:49:00.002-05:00

i finished reading the perks of being a wallflower not too long ago.

it's pretty good.

in the book, charlie works really hard at making mix tapes for his closest friends.

i miss mix tapes.

i have been thinking about what kind of songs would make up the soundtrack of my life thus far. in the short time that i spent on it this evening, it was hard not to think about all the songs associated with all the guys i liked or dated.

i like a wide variety of music. and i am easily influenced. the songs that came most quickly and easily to mind were songs that various guys either liked, got me to like or put on a mix tape for me. there are also a few songs i remember dancing to at those awkward school dances (when i was taller than 75% of the guys).

i didn't spend a whole lot of time on this, but i thought i would share with you a tentative playlist, if not for my life, at least for my dating career or love life.

let me know what you think.

tell what songs would make your playlist.

the benefit of the doubt

2013-04-17T22:24:00.000-05:00

we've been rather immersed in star wars lately.

we've been listening to the radio version of episode three in the car, at bedtime and throughout the day. as if that weren't enough, we've had a star wars party, been reading star wars books and folding star wars origami.

even though i know that i went to see return of the jedi when it was first in the theater, i remember absolutely nothing about it except something to do with jabba the hut and princess leia chained up with very little clothing. since i hadn't seen the first two movies, i'm sure i was completely confused the entire time. i would love to get the radio versions of the empire strikes back and return of the jedi just so i can get a complete picture of the full story.

what boggles my brain is the fact that (spoiler alert) luke is able to convince darth vader to return from the dark side. in my mind, darth vader epitomizes pure evil. why doesn't luke give up him like everyone else has? surely darth is a lost cause if there ever was one. can you spend that much time wrapped up in the dark side and still have a smidgen of ability to cross back over?

apparently so.

which now leads me to wonder...

what about the people in our lives who seem to have crossed over into the "dark side"?

sometimes in conversations that i have with people, i am amazed at how quickly and easily someone can be considered a lost cause. a person who has different views or opinions from us or who has changed drastically from the person we thought we knew seems to be a hopeless case.

is this really fair?

it's possible that if we were willing to take the time to listen, to find out what is "underneath the mask," we might find the remnants of the person we know and love. we might find out that the person we know and love has been fighting a hard battle, a battle we know nothing about (perhaps even a battle it might benefit us to engage in a little bit).

really the question to be asked is not that much different than the question that luke has to ask himself over and over again in this scene: will he be ruled by hate and anger? or will love win the day?

anakin's final words are: "you were right, luke. tell your sister you were right." think how amazing it would be if you chose to believe in someone, instead of giving up like many have, gave that person the benefit of the doubt, and then heard them say words like this to you.

i'd like to be the kind of person who chooses to err on the side of love, rather than hate.

the best i can

2013-04-16T22:56:00.002-05:00

tuesdays are hard.

bill puts in an extra long day on tuesdays, so that he can be more available to us the rest of the week. i'm glad to give him some extra time to get work done, but the day absolutely wears me out.

the truth is, at the end of the day, i don't like the person i've become.

i've nagged kids to put their stuff away. i've nagged kids to eat their supper. i've nagged kids to clean up after themselves, get their pjs on and let me brush their teeth.

nag, nag, nag.

i would absolutely love it if i could say things one time, and that was all that was needed. i'm pretty sure i could say things nicely and sweetly pretty consistently. i would love it if three out of four, or even two out of four, would listen right away to what i say so that i only had to push harder with two out of four.

then i read posts like these from other moms and i really hate myself.

what is the line between considering what can be improved in our parenting and recognizing that we are all just doing the best we can do?

i would love to be a better mom. i would love it if i never yelled, never got crabby, always paid attention, never got annoyed and never wished i could be somewhere, anywhere, else. unfortunately, i am guilty of all these things every single day.

i feel embarrassed to say this, but i'm just letting the parenting correctiveness go. i just honestly don't think i can do any better than what i'm doing already. if i'm messing up, or damaging my kids' psyches, they're just going to have to get counseling to straighten them out. i'm doing the best i can.

i'm doing the best i can.

something's missing...

2013-04-11T21:54:00.002-05:00

please tell him to stop growing up...

a mom just tries to do her job...

2013-04-11T21:52:00.004-05:00

i have to admit, i don't really care for doctors.

i have been known to put off an appointment or two due to a little fear and trembling.

but when i continue to have experiences like the one i had on tuesday, it gets harder and harder to overcome my doctor issues.

i picked up zoe from school on thursday, and immediately noticed her flushed cheeks. after a professional check of her forehead, i determined she had a fever. since i can tell the difference between fever and no fever, i didn't really find it necessary to locate the thermometer and make if official.

she had been at an all day (6.30 am to 9.30 pm) field trip on wednesday so i figured she was mostly just run down. we kept her home on friday, figuring a day of rest would help her recover.

zoe is what you might call a, well, a hypochondriac. she is quick to inform me of any little ache, pain, twinge, tickle, cough, sniffle, itch, spasm, cramp, twitch or itch. sometimes it is a little difficult to take every report seriously.

by saturday, she seemed reluctant to engage, but pretty much recovered. she went to church on sunday, but by the time we got home, she again seemed feverish and lethargic.

we kept her home again on monday. this time i took her temp and found it was 101. during the night on monday night, i felt like i was getting the same thing: fever, aches, chills. in the morning, she had a temp of 99. i know that it isn't a fever, specifically, but it still seemed like it was time to go to the doctor. and i might as well get myself checked out as well.

since i felt a little time crunch in that i had to pick up tate later in the day, i took us both to the walgreens health clinic. i'd had a positive experience before.

when the nurse practitioner heard that zoe had had a fever (on and off) for five days, and after i used the word "lethargic," and after zoe mentioned that her urine may have been a darker yellow, she insisted we had to go to the emergency room.

not how i wanted to spend my day.

we waited an hour and a half for the walgreens appointment. we waited 2 more hours to see a doctor.

only to be told that she shouldn't have come in.

thank you so much.

i do the best i can. i recognize that it would have been better to take her temperature consistently throughout the five days, that it would have been good to go to a doctor instead of the health clinic, and that it would have been okay to skip the er and just make sure zoe stayed hydrated.

at least, now i know that.

love enough to inflate a lifeboat

2013-04-10T10:16:00.000-05:00

i'm trying to figure this kid out.

i still remember when i realized that his pediatrician was trying to get me to see that his speech delay was something to be concerned about. i knew he was quiet. i knew that he was smart. i didn't realize that the two combined meant we needed to do something about his delay.

since that time, i've been trying to look inside him. what kind of kid is he? sharp, like zoe? athletic, like tessa? creative? imaginative? average? goofy?

when he was in preschool, i tried to convince his teacher that he had some kind of delay or learning disability. she didn't buy it.

she told me that i was trying too hard to create him in the girls' image. he was going to develop at his own pace, and his own pace is just fine.

this year, i was ready for his kindergarten teacher to tell me he had some form of dyslexia. again she assured me that his pace was right on track with the average kindergartener.

why can't i believe her?

i still keep my eye on him throughout the day. what kind of kid is he? is he sharp, but lazy? is he average, but imaginative?

i recognize that as a momma, my view can be skewed. i can't see tate clearly, the way that his teachers can because i have biases and prejudices.

on the other hand, my momma radar just won't shut off. i still think there is something not quite clicking the way it should. my momma instincts just keep insisting that something isn't quite right.

every day then i wrestle between the two: do i trust his teachers and wait to see how it all shakes out? or do i trust my own instincts and pursue some type of evaluation or even a different form of education?

in rosamund lipton's book, afterwards, grace is a mother of two dealing with the aftermath of a school fire. as she and her daughter work to figure out who started the fire (possibly as an attack on her daughter), she must also wrestle with the idea of trusting other people to care for her son and understand his needs the way she does. she comes to see that there is love enough from other people in his life "to inflate a lifeboat for him," to carry him through whatever may happen in his life.

watching grace come to the realization that her son has a host of people surrounding him who, together, can meet his needs similar to the way she does, has helped me to see that tate and i are surrounded by those who love and care for us. i know plenty of people will tell me if i am being short-sighted when it comes to tate, but there are also those who will listen carefully to my concerns and help to see if they need to addressed sooner, rather than later.

i received a free copy of this book as part of my involvement in the from left to write book club. i absolutely loved this book, in spite of the difficulty of some of the material and would highly recommend it. the thoughts and opinions expressed here are purely my own.

from the peanut gallery

2013-04-08T21:34:00.001-05:00

last night we got home a bit late so we were really trying to get the kids focused on getting to bed on time.

lilianna walked into the dining room which was strewn with the toys that she had gotten out throughout the day.

lilianna: uh-oh. all these toys are all over.

momma: yup. you'll have to put them away tomorrow.

lilianna: no. i don't want to.

i knelt down and looked right into her eyes.

momma: lilianna, who got out all these toys?

lilianna: i did.

momma: then who do you think should put them all away?

lilianna: i think that you and daddy should put them away when tate and i go to sleep.

momma: lilianna: who got out all these toys?

lilianna: i did.

momma: then who should put them away?

lilianna: you and daddy should put them away when tate and i go to sleep.

i was so proud of myself for painting such a nice, neat, logical picture for her. as always, she thwarted my logic with her own...special...kind of logic.

i'm doing my very best not to let her turn into some kind of spoiled brat who thinks she rules the roost, but she is doing her very best to wear me down now, so she will be sure to get away with whatever she wants when she's older.

Lord, please give me strength...

another "birth"day...

2013-04-06T22:34:00.001-05:00

after a little bit of drama/trauma, the girls were both baptized two weeks ago.

they needed to write out the story of their faith, which they both did extremely well, but when it was time for them to read, they both had a bit of a freak out. zoe dashed out that front door one minute before it was time for her to go up to the front. as soon as she got up on stage, you wouldn't have known that she had an iota of nervousness.

zoe's freak out led to tessa's breakdown. she burst into tears and needed a great deal of coaxing to be able to read her story.

i'd like to include them here, even though it will make for a long post, just because i think their stories are such good reflections of both girls.

here's zoe's:

i believe that God is real and not like any other god. i believe that God sent his one and only son for us and i believe that that son died for us.

i want to understand more though.

i talk to God a lot when i am by myself. when i want help, but i don't feel like talking to any mortal being, i talk to God. i confess all my worries to him and ask him for forgiveness.

but i've heard of people who do better than i. they read the bible daily and, even more importantly obey him. i have tried to obey the ten commandments, which i have learned about in nightly devotions, and i have tired to have the fruits of the spirit, but it just doesn't come to me like to it does to some people. sure, my family reads the bible nightly, but it's always the same stories over and over again:

moses parts the red sea
joshua and wall of jericho
joseph and his rainbow coat
and more...

but, i want to go deeper than that. i want to read verses i've never read before. when i started baptism class, i read scripture i never heard of, passages that had me asking questions, and a lot of them were answered. but then i would ask more questions, questions that couldn't be answered. and every time i came home i had more knowledge than i had half an hour ago. i now know more about God than before i started going to baptism class and i have learned more about God than previously.

i hope that i learn even more when i am baptized. and i hope that i can understand much much more.

i hope that she can understand and learn more as well. this is tessa's story:

one of the times i usually pray to God by myself is when i am in a bad mood. also after i have just had a fight with my siblings or parents. i pray that i can get over with it and move on.

in sunday school we once talked about the fruits of the spirit and made a tree and fruit (made of paper) and put the words of the fruit of the spirit on the tree. after that we would talk about how Jesus wants us to have them.

also we would talk about the ten commandments. we talked about how God wants us to obey them. in fact, just over a week ago we read about the ten commandments.

before dinner my dad prays. after dinner zoe, tate, lilianna, mom and i pray. mom always goes last and us children take turns going first. as i told you already, my dad usually prays first unless my mom's gone. then he prays before and after dinner. same with my mom.

some things i believe about God are: i believe he gave me parents who love him and teach me about God. i aslo believe he gave me a wonderful church where people love and teach me. also, i have a wonderful mimi, papa, grandma and grandpa. they love God and teach and teach me about him.

when i sin, God forgives me because of this reason: the reason is because he died on the cross for us. now we are called to die for him.

i am being baptized to be new. when i get dipped in the water, it washes away all the sin. also, God calms me down when i have just had a fight. that's why i wanted to get baptized.

there are so many things i could say, but i think that this time i will just let them speak for themselves...

birthday, birthday, birthday...whew!

2013-04-06T21:59:00.000-05:00

i don't know what we were thinking (though i think we all know how these things happen) by having all our kids' birthdays at the same time of year...

by the time we reach this time of year, i feel quite birthday'd out.

we started with a tea party...

...then we had a spa day for four girly girls...

...but today was the most high-energy day of all...

i owe everything that we did today to my friend jenny, who graciously blogged about her own son's star wars birthday party so i could shamefully steal every single one of her ideas for tate's party. she did hers so much better, but i'm happy to say that three little boys had a very fun time. thanks to jen's excellent ideas, we had more than enough activities planned for the two-hour party. (zoe thinks i should market myself as a party planner--i had to confess that i have stolen (almost) every party idea i've used).

the top favorite activities were finding princess leia (and a host of other characters) inside a balloon and rescuing han solo from his block of ice. bill and i liked the word jumble (zoe did a fabulous job coming up with different fonts and colors for each name to make it kindergarten level).

here are a few of my favorite pics from the day (thanks, again, to zoe for being our party photographer):

i'm so thankful that everything came together to give everyone a good time, but now...

...this momma's t-i-r-e-d.

happy birthday, buddy.

on change

2013-04-04T21:31:00.001-05:00

lately i've been trying to look more closely at my kids…

i'm sure i'm always ready to notice a bad hairdo or something yucky in their teeth. but do i often take the time to step back mentally and pay attention to the people they are becoming?

maybe it because so often when i've seen them lately, they have been bulked up in wintry layers.

maybe i just get so caught up in the day-to-day routine of doing homework, eating, putting to bed…

whatever the reason, i've started to notice lately that i haven't really spent much time looking at my kids.

i realized this yesterday at swim lessons.

tessa and tate are in the same class. yesterday tessa passed the "test" to move from being a "one" to a "two." i was thrilled.

she? not so much.

in tears, she tried to tell me she wasn't ready, she couldn't do it, she was going to drown (maybe not that last part). i did everything i could to reassure her that she really was ready, she was going to be fine and her wonderful teacher would take her step-by-step through everything she needed to know to survive in the deep end.

as she went on her way (and after i helped tate stop crying over being without tessa and after i cleaned up lilianna's potty pants), i watched her face her fears in the deep end.

suddenly, i was completely taken aback by how thin she has become. if you've seen lilianna, you know what tessa looked like when she was younger. she was deceptively solid, heavier than she looked and able to knock down buildings with her bare hands (maybe not that last part). now she is this lithe, lean slip of a thing.

she's still able to knock down tall buildings, or at least brother, sister or anyone else unknowingly in her path, but she has changed, remarkably so, this past year.

and i didn't even see it happen.

i need to pay more attention. i don't want to look back on this time and feel like i missed everything. i have tried to be more intentionally cognizant with lilianna, knowing this is my "last" everything…but i still can't even remember what she was like when she was tiny (maybe that was because she has never really been "tiny"--that, or the sleep deprivation!).

every night i brush tate's two front baby teeth and dread the time when two big monsters take over his face. he'll be different. he will be moving farther away from being my little boy.

of course, change is good. i'm ever so happy not to be changing diapers all day long (though i wish the potty training would really take a good firm hold!). i'm happy to (once in awhile) sleep through the night. i'm happy to have my body back…

maybe not that last one...

expert

2013-04-03T21:14:00.002-05:00

this is a photo i took of van gogh's portrait of madame roulin.
van gogh was inarguably an expert in his field,
while madame roulin was a wife and mother.

last week, i had the opportunity to teach at a training seminar.

i was so nervous when i received the offer that i very nearly said no.

instead, i pretended to have a lot more confidence than i actually had and accepted the offer, choosing three areas of teaching for which i promised to bring some expertise.

the days of the event finally arrived, and i was shaking down to my very bones. by the time it was my turn to teach, i considered faking some terrible illness that would require immediate hospitalization.

instead, i taught. and the sky did not fall, i did not sound like a complete idiot and i was not booed out of the room. in fact, everyone broke into spontaneous applause when i finished.

rare.

i felt really good by the time i got home that night. exhausted, but good.

the second day didn't go as well as the first, but people still seemed willing to come ask me for my opinion about the work that they were doing.

by the third day, i think we were all exhausted. i probably could have stood up and recited all the nursery rhymes i know (and i know a lot of them) and people would have been happy.

or maybe not.

all this to say, i had a very positive experience. it felt great to be an expert on something. it felt great to have multiple people asking me for advice. it was wonderfully affirming.

and now? i'm home again.

back to life as usual. dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, homework, drop-offs and pick-ups. sometimes i feel like stopping everyone and saying, "just a minute now. did you know that last week 25 people considered me an expert at something? something besides cooking, housework and homework?"

i know that i matter to my kids. i know that i have a special place in their hearts, even if they don't really show it.

but sometime? i would like to feel like an expert again...