Year 31

How to be awesome on Twitter

2012-02-01T13:08:00.000-06:00

A long time ago (okay, a year and a half), I started a Twitter account. Tweetdom can be confusing at first, and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.

Now that I'm an experienced tweeter (and an admitted Twitter addict), I thought it would be a good idea to share my experience and knowledge. After all, what good is this bevy of knowledge doing just sitting around in my brain?

I know, I know--I'm too kind. If you want to send me chocolates or tea for my troubles, I've got a public Amazon wishlist waiting.

Let's get started!

First of all, to join in the fun, you have to make an account.

Crazy, I know.

When making a Twitter account, you're gonna want to make yourself look as appealing as possible. This means two things: 1) pick a good picture and 2) write a good bio.

Now, what constitutes a "good" bio depends on what you're going to be using your Twitter account for. For example, here's what mine looks like:

I'll probably change my photo to something less fancy when awards season is over.

I like to use my Twitter to network with other bloggers and people in the entertainment industry. Since I'm not famous, I have to tell people how talented I am. If you're a famous person already, you can get away with no bio, like Jason Segel here:

Yeah Segel, we get it--you're friends with Kermit! Stop bragging. Jeesh.

If you're funny, write something funny or witty in your bio. If you have an interesting job, tell people about it. Make people want to follow you!

Don't underestimate the importance of a good profile picture--it shows up next to every tweet you make. If you're attractive, show us! If you aren't good-looking, that's okay. Just put up a picture that says something about YOU. Make people want to click on it. Twitter is only fun if you have people reading what you say, and your first impression is paramount to collecting followers.

Next, you're gonna want to follow some people. Don't know who to follow?

Start with a friend or a fellow blogger.

Follow some celebrities you like.

Are you interested in politics? Follow CNN Politics or President Obama.

Big fan of 90s sitcoms? Jodie Sweetin and Mark-Paul Gosselaar are on Twitter.

Follow people who do things that you're interested in. I follow a lot of writers and directors because that's the field I want to be in. I follow a lot of other bloggers because I'm a blogger. See what I'm getting at here? Twitter: follow your interests. It's not just a catchy slogan.

Now, TWEET! Following some people? Great! Now, tweet! It's amazing how many people miss this step. If you want people to follow you on Twitter (and why wouldn't you?), then you're going to have to say stuff on Twitter.

Don't know what to say? Respond to someone else's tweet. Like this:

By responding to Kati's tweet, I started a conversation that went on for about thirty minutes, all about John Stamos. It's like a chat room, only public, and since I tagged Stamos by putting an @ in front of his name, he was able to see that tweet as well.

Now, does John Stamos actually look at his @ mentions? I couldn't say. I do know that I tweet him all the time, and I've never gotten a response, but then again, I probably make him uncomfortable with my constant adoration and quasisexual innuendo.

That's not to say that celebrities won't respond. One of the biggest draws of Twitter is that famous people interact with non-famous people all the time. Observe:

See? How fun is THAT?

Tagging the people you're talking about (as long as it's not mean) is always a good thing because it opens up the conversation to more people Last week I tweeted about Andrew Zimmern from Bizarre Foods. Yesterday his assistant followed me because of that tweet, and today @AndrewZimmern himself started following me! Yes, the guy who goes around the world eating disgusting local delicacies can now see when I tweet about how I cut my finger on a potato peeler. How's that for bizarre?

After a while, you won't have any trouble finding things to tweet about. In fact, you'll have a hard time keeping yourself from tweeting--or at least, that's been my own experience. Every thought in my head goes through a filter now: would it make a good tweet? Usually the answer is no, but sometimes it's a yes, and then I'll tweet it.

Another good tip: tweet photos. People like pictures, and Twitter was pretty much made for smart phones. Why not take a picture of what you're doing at that very moment (if it's photo-worthy) and tweet it? I had my landmark 5000th tweet the other night, and I couldn't think of anything profound to say, so instead, I tweeted this photo, to commemorate it:

Silly? Sure. But it shows you that there is a real person behind the tweets, and that's fun.

Now that you know what to do on Twitter, here's a quick list of what NOT to do:

*Don't constantly tweet celebrities asking them to follow you or to re-tweet you. It's annoying, not only to them, but also to your followers who follow those people as well. It makes you look desperate.

*Don't overuse hashtags (#). Hashtags are used on twitter to identify subjects that people want to talk about, or to get people started talking about something. You can usually see a list of them on the right of your screen under "trending topics". Like, right now #questionsIhatehearing is trending, so people are throwing in their two cents on that subject. That's fine, whatever. I use them sometimes if I run out of characters for my tweet and I have to squish a bunch of words together to make it fit. What's REALLY annoying is when people write tweets that looks like this:

#NotCool

That is super-hard to read, and I hate that I even tweeted it. It's even worse when there are lots of @ mentions and links in the tweet as well. I usually skip reading those, so don't do that please.

*Don't spam. Yes, Twitter is fast. People may miss something you said or a link you put up to your blog. It's okay to re-post it a few hours later or the next day, just in case. What is NOT okay is posting the exact same link fourteen times in an hour. Sometimes this is due to third-party applications auto-posting a link to someone's twitter feed, but sometimes people just REALLY want you to see the same picture of their cat over and over and over and over and over. Enough!

*Don't #FF every single one of your followers. #FF means Follow Friday, and it's a hashtag people use to tell other people who they ought to be following. Some people will post SO many #FF tweets that I'm fairly certain they don't leave out even one of their followers. Stop that! It's spamming!

*Don't be mean. This seems like a given, but a lot of people seem to forget that real humans are actually reading the tweets they send. If you tweet to Alec Baldwin and tell him that he's got no talent and his kid is ugly, he's going to go ballistic on your ass. I've seen it happen. Yes, you may get a reply, but you'll also get flagged for abuse and very likely lose your Twitter account. Don't be a douche. Treat people on Twitter as you would treat them if they were standing in front of you.

*Don't be a porn bot. Seriously, what's up with all the porn bots on Twitter?

So, that should about cover it. What are you all waiting for? Get to Tweetin'! Just try not to get addicted like I am. It's becoming a problem.

In fact, maybe you should disregard everything I just said and stay off of Twitter altogether. Yeah, never mind--save yourself while there's still time!

(but if you don't, make sure and follow me @terilynnbrown)

Hell Hath No Fury

2012-01-31T23:51:00.003-06:00

...like a woman scorned.

At least, that's the saying. I don't find that to be the case with myself.

I mean, yeah, if someone scorns me I get sad and hurt, but I don't really get furious. Not really. I certainly don't get vengeful, and that's what fury ultimately leads to, right?

Maybe I'm just a sad, wimp of a girl, but whenever someone wrongs me, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I don't want to go and hunt them down or hurt them. What good would that do anyway? In the end, I'd just feel worse because of it. I'm a pretty nice person, and that doesn't change just because someone's hurt my feelings.

I've had those feelings hurt quite a bit lately, and without going into specifics, I can say that it's been done by people who I once thought cared about me. That's the worst--when you realize that people meant so much more to you than you did to them. How does that happen? I guess it's a combination of my own naïvité and being too generous in my friendships. Or maybe I'm just a really terrible judge of character.

Anyway, I'm tired of being taken advantage of. One of my new year's resolutions was to stop letting people walk all over me, and I'm afraid that I've not gotten off to the best start here. I'll do better.

As far as revenge goes, I'm not going to bother with it--at least not in the traditional sense. George Herbert said that "living well is the best revenge". That sounds pretty spectacular. I'm going to do that.

Bring on my best year yet.

Staycation Rundown

2012-01-31T14:13:00.000-06:00

My staycation didn't turn out quite the way I'd planned, but there were some highlights. They were:

1. Making a video of my weird arms and getting lots of messages about it from strangers.

2. Meeting up with Brandi for a drink and a photo, as requested by Eric.

I knew I was pale, but next to Brandi, I look positively blue!

3. Shopping alone. I only got a couple of clearance tank tops and some makeup that I was out of, but it was so much easier without having to bribe a child with cookies the whole time.

4. Watching Last Night on Netflix a few times. I really like this movie. Kiera Knightly is so pretty, the story and acting are very realistic, and it's got an excellent score. One of my new favorites.

5. Sleeping in.

6. Meeting a friend who I rarely see for sushi and catching up. I got there early to have a happy hour drink at the bar and met a nice man named Tomas. He shared a couple of pieces of sushi and a bit of sake with me, I shared my blog with him. If you're reading this, hello Tomas!

I began a new screenplay, but I didn't get very far into it. I guess some would consider that a big waste of free time, but it was nice to relax too. It's hard for me to write when I'm forcing myself, and it just wasn't happening. I have the same problem when I go shopping: if I have a wad of cash to spend, I can shop all day and not find so much as a t-shirt, but if I'm dirt-poor I see about a million things I can't live without. Frustrating phenomenon.

The Hubby wasn't feeling well the whole time he was in Denver, so he decided to come home a day early with his father in tow. Funny thing is, now that they're all back I finally feel inspired to write! They were so kind as to leave me alone today, so I've been doing just that.

I just finished writing the script for a short based on my "We're Not Psychos We're Just Women" post. I've never written a short before, but since I've been filming more videos lately, I thought it might be fun to make something with a story to it and edit it together. I'm not sure if I'll get real actors or if I'll just make The Hubby shoot it with me, but I'd like to get it done in the next month or so, before I lose my enthusiasm for the idea. I'll put it up here as soon as it's done, so you'll all get to see the world premier.

Off do do more re-writing/writing before everyone comes back. I'll take productivity wherever I can get it--even if it only seems to happen in the stolen moments.

A video of my fingers.

2012-01-28T17:33:00.001-06:00

This is the weirdest thing I've ever done.

Yoga Pervs and Other Lessons Learned

2012-01-28T11:34:00.002-06:00

So, remember that video I posted of me showing off my double jointed arms? No? It was just two days ago! Man, you have a horrible memory.

Anyway, it's been a pretty interesting couple of days. I've learned some things. Allow me to share.

Things I learned from uploading a video of myself being bendy to YouTube:

1. There are a lot of people who care about hypermobility (double jointed-ness). I started getting messages from strangers almost immediately about what it means to have this condition. People must set Google alerts on the subject.

2. Hypermobility Syndrome is kind of a big deal. It's not just cool [creepy] to look at, it also carries some risks, from early-onset arthritis to spontaneous organ rupture, depending on which type you have. (fingers crossed for the non-eyeball exploding type).

3. My TMJ is probably related to my hypermobility. Why did I never make this connection?? A lot of good knowing does me, but still. It makes a lot of sense.

4. My knees hyperextend just like my arms. I don't know how I've gone my whole life without realizing this. I always knew I looked gawky, but now I have a reason for it.

5. Gravity is taking its toll on my triceps. Or maybe I just need to work out. One or the other.

6. There is a whole network of yoga perverts on YouTube. No, Yoga38487, I will NOT make a private video of myself doing the bound lotus pose and send it to you.

But I will take photos of it and show them to all of you!

7. I can do some pretty difficult yoga poses. Especially considering that I don't have any practice. Can yoga tone biceps? I think I've just found an exercise that I'm willing to do! Hooray!

8. I have a hard time saying no to or ignoring people. Yeah, I know that many of the people making these odd video requests probably have a bendy-people fetish, but what's the harm in showing off my creepy finger joints for them? I'm going to make one more video (by request), featuring my fingers, and then I'll be done with it.

Who knew that uploading a video to YouTube could provide me with so much new information!

Since I'm only two days out and 195 views down, I'm sure that I'll learn plenty more before everything is said and done. I hope one of those lessons is not "turn off the comments section on videos to avoid disgusting perverts", but we shall see. *freakish fingers crossed*

Double Jointed Shoulder Demo

2012-01-26T17:15:00.001-06:00

For those of you who were interested in the whole "double jointed shoulder" thing from my post yesterday, I made a video so that you could see it better!

When I used to shine shoes at the Hyatt in Sacramento, I would show off my crazy shoulder/arm skills often. This would lead to men coming back to town months later, but this time with friends. Did they all want me to shine their shoes? No! The guys had heard about my crazy arm, and they wanted to see it in person. I was a circus act, and they didn't even tip me for it.

So, here's what people were coming from all over the world to gawk at:

...and you didn't even have to leave your house to see it.

Search Term Thursday 1.26.2012

2012-01-26T11:06:00.000-06:00

I couldn't settle on one screenshot, so this week's search terms are brought to you by the freaks and weaklings who found my blog through Google at various times from January 19th - January 25th, 2012.

Teri the Good Witch

2012-01-25T20:15:00.001-06:00

I barely even use Facebook at all anymore, unless it's to promote my blog or send a quick message to someone, but I spent thirty precious minutes this evening creating this:

So that I could do this:

Click on it. It's too small.

And now I'm not so grumpy. :)

The grumpy list

2012-01-25T14:21:00.000-06:00

I'm in a horrible mood today. Yes, I know that there are starving children in Africa and the Holocaust happened and whatnot, but no amount of perspective is helping the fact that I have zero patience for anything or anyone today. The half a Xanax I just took should be kicking in soon, though, so I'm going to blog a list now.

These are all things I've wanted to blog about lately, but I can't seem to make them into one cohesive post:

1. I keep getting deferred as a blood donor due to low iron. This is very annoying, because I'm taking vitamins now and everything. I'm gonna try again in a couple days when The Kid and The Hubby are out of town, and I'm going to eat a burger a few hours before. If that doesn't work, I'm just going to assume that I need my blood more than sick people at this point in time.

2. Every time I go to give blood and they ask me to pull up my sleeves and look at my arms, I'm afraid they're going to see something that makes them think I'm a heroin user. I am not a heroin user. There is absolutely no good reason for this irrational fear. A similar thing happens when a policeman pulls up behind me--I always think he's going to pull me over, even though I'm not breaking any laws.

See? No track marks.

3. That reminds me--my shoulders are double-jointed, so I can do this:

Weird, right?

4. Staycation starts tomorrow. Maybe that's why I'm so anxious?

5. The snail mail has been rolling in. So far, I've gotten three packages from three wonderful bloggers: Karen, Confuzzled, and Jessica. For some reason, Jessica's blog has disappeared, but I'm hoping it's a minor glitch like the one I encountered. Jessica, if you're reading this, link your blog below!


A Hodgepodge of lovely snail mail gifts.

6. Although I am not the most fashionable person, I know that many of you run fashion blogs, or are just interested in it in general. If that's the case, I urge you to click on the new ad on the right-hand side of my screen there. See it? The one with the pretty blonde in the blue dress? That's my friend. She and her husband started a website called Fashonify where you can upload pictures of clothes and accessories and get real-time feedback on them. For instance, say you're in a dressing room and you can't decide between two dresses. You upload the photos and people will weigh in and let you know which one looks better! Isn't that a great idea? Anyway, this is not a paid endorsement, but they are my friends and the idea is great, so go check out Fashonify.com if you are a fashion fiend.

7. I have an enormous pile of laundry to finish so that I can pack The Kid's things for his trip. I should be doing that rather than this.

8. I'm spending too much time on the internet. People are starting to think I'm weird because of it. This upsets me. Maybe I am becoming weird? I don't know. What I DO know is that if I didn't have the internet to socialize on while I stay at home all day with my child, I'd go insane. It's important. I should probably take a break at some point, though. It's always been refreshing when I've done it in the past.

9. Maybe I shouldn't be asking people to think I'm not weird in the same post where I put up photos of my elbows pointing in the wrong directions.

10. My 1/2 a Xanax has finally kicked in. I think I have enough patience to start packing now, but I'd rather take a nap. If I drink a coffee or tea, will it counteract the effects of the Xanax? That would be a waste, but I'm so tired, and a hot beverage DOES sound delicious. To heck with it. Off to boil some water.

Masochistic Mail

2012-01-24T13:51:00.004-06:00

I realize that this is completely random, but....

My junk mail keeps coming back to me.

Look at what was waiting patiently in my mailbox today, along with the stuff that I hadn't already seen, torn up, and thrown away:

REALLY, USPS?

This is the second time this has happened with a piece of mail.

I *think* this phenomenon can be attributed to a combination of wind, a recycling bin with no lid, and an ambitious mail carrier, but I can't be sure. Perhaps the junk mail is just a glutton for punishment. I'm going to tear it up some more and recycle it again, so I'll let you know.

I'm nervous...or excited.

2012-01-23T22:13:00.001-06:00

So, I think I'm really excited.

Or nervous.

Or excited.

Later this week, The Hubby and The Kid are packing up the puppy and heading to Denver. Without me. They're going to visit family, and I've opted out.

I was going to go, but then The Hubby suggested I may want to take the opportunity to stay home by myself and get some writing done while he and The Kid make it a boys' trip...except for the dog. She's a girl.

I thought about it; I pondered the question for days. There are so many factors to take into consideration! First of all, I RARELY get time to myself--and I never get this amount of time alone. This is five days. FIVE DAYS, people!

What a fabulous place for a staycation! Am I right?

For those of you who don't have kids yet, you can't understand the gravity of this situation. Five days is like a year in mom years. Two in stay at home mom years. I've never been away from The Kid for that long. Last time The Hubby was out of town and I sent The Kid on an overnight trip so that I was by myself, I nearly cried myself to sleep. It's hard going.

Don't get me wrong, I love being alone. I'm kind of a loner. In fact, one of the main reasons I decided to go for it and take this solo staycation is that the possibility of being completely and utterly alone was too appealing to pass up. I can write without being interrupted every five minutes? I don't have to schedule my outings around the meal/nap/bedtimes of a four-year old? I can leave the house and take a walk whenever I want? I'll have complete control over the remote? I could even go and--gasp!--see a movie with no talking animals in it in the middle of the day, without having to arrange for and pay a babysitter? What? What? WHAT??

These things are stupid-appealing to someone like me, who can barely remember what this stuff is like.

Then again...

I rarely see this part of the family. They are really fun and I love them.

I love the mountains, and I'll miss hiking.

I'll miss out on all the delicious food and fun outings.

What if I get lonely?

What if The Kid misses me?

What if The Kid doesn't miss me?

Then I remember: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT FOR FIVE WHOLE DAYS.

Yeah, I'm staying home...or maybe I'll leave the house sometimes too. Who knows? Whatever I do, I'll be doing it alone, and that is freakin' exciting.

Or nerve-wracking.

Or exciting.

Stay tuned.

It's not for women...or men who enjoy having sex with them.

2012-01-21T12:40:00.000-06:00

I realize that I may be a little late to the game on this one since the controversy began in October, but WTF is this??

For those of you who can't (or don't want to) watch the video, that's a commercial for Dr Pepper TEN. It shows a couple of very "manly" men with guns, tearing through the jungle & drinking the product in a Jeep during what looks like a terrible low-budget action film. The tag line at the end is the kicker:

"Dr Pepper TEN: IT'S NOT FOR WOMEN."

So, someone thought this was a good idea. In fact, I'd dare to venture that several people thought it was a good idea, considering how many people this slogan probably had to go through to make it onto billboards and television. I have a hard time believing that nobody stood up and asserted what a terrible idea it was, because it's glaringly obvious to me and the rest of the internet.

Clearly, a lot of people were high when they created this campaign. Or there were no women involved in the process whatsoever. Aside from the ad being blatantly sexist (Women like romantic comedies! Men like action movies!), I see a few problems with the idea behind it. Namely:

1. Men who would fall for an ad like this generally aren't the same ones who would care about how many calories they're ingesting.

2. Men who care about counting calories often have a wife or girlfriend who does the grocery shopping. (Up to 85% of grocery shopping is done by women--you would think that these sexist dudes would have thought of that)

3. They've alienated at least 2/3 (I'm being generous) of the market: the ones without penises and the ones who would like to use their penises again with someone of the fairer sex. I see a guy drinking this stuff, I think he's a jerk. He may not be a jerk, but it's hard to get that association out of my head now that it's been made.

Anyway, I can't believe this ad made it to air.

The worst part is that I probably would have tried the stuff if it was a better marketing campaign. Dr. Pepper is pretty delicious, but Diet Dr. Pepper never did it for me and I'm not a fan of all that sugar. The old "Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper" campaign seemed to work well...maybe they should have just made this one say "Dr. Pepper TEN tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper than Diet Dr. Pepper!". Simple, you know? I mean, is this stuff even tasty? I guess I'll never know, because I'm sure as hell not buying it.

Search Term Thursday 1.19.12

2012-01-19T13:17:00.000-06:00

Today's search terms are brought to you by the pervs who found my blog through Google between the hours of 2012 Jan 18 11:00 – 2012 Jan 18 12:00.

Magical Makeup

2012-01-18T17:38:00.000-06:00

This morning, I woke up looking pretty horrible. Nothing new. If you are one of those people who roll out of bed looking gorgeous, well more power to ya, but I am not your peer.

As usual, I washed my face and applied some makeup. When I was done, I looked in the mirror and thought to myself, wow, makeup is freakin' awesome. Do I feel like I'm pulling one over on everyone who looks at me? Yeah, sorta. But you know what? I'm okay with that.

I took to Twitter to proclaim my love of manufactured beauty, and this is the conversation that ensued:

Look, I'm not a falsely modest person. One of my favorite sayings is "I'm really smart. People always forget because I'm so pretty." Yes, I'm joking, but I know that I am considered by many to be attractive. I can say this now because I went through a really awkward phase during my formative years, so I know the difference.

Due to said awkward phase, I am acutely aware of the times when I look good and the times when I look terrible. It's a pretty big spread, to be honest. I can go from a 3 to an 8 with the right tools at my disposal. Do I need to illustrate? Fine. I can't believe I'm doing this.

This file is huge. Click on it if you want to zoom in on my pores. I have no dignity left anyway.

Spare me your comments saying "You look great without makeup!". I do have on moisturizer in that top picture, and it made me less red than I normally would have been. The flash helped too. In fact, that's a pretty great picture--I don't usually look half that good without makeup on.

I'm not fishing for compliments here; I'm just trying to illustrate a point: makeup is freakin' magic. I love it, and I will continue to wear it and fool people into thinking I'm at least 40% better looking than I actually am. Well, except for all of you guys--you've been behind the curtain now, so I can't fool any of you. Let's keep this between us, okay? And don't ever try to tell me that I don't need makeup, because now you know better.

A Real Mother?

2012-01-17T11:56:00.002-06:00

"Act like a real mudder," The Kid says to me.

A real mother? What's that supposed to mean?? Do I not act like a real mother? Thanks a lot, Kid! Geez.

I asked him to elaborate, and he just made a fart noise. Great. Boys are so wonderful.

He got me to thinking. Maybe I don't act like a real mother--at least not like the ones he sees on TV.

-I don't spend my days picking up after him or dusting the house. I mean, I clean every so often, but I'm not an immaculate housekeeper by any stretch of the imagination.

-I do bake sometimes, but usually that's just because I have a hankering for chocolate chip cookies, or because I have to bake the bananas into bread since I let them get old and black.

-You're more likely to find me sitting in front of my computer writing than driving a carpool of kids to soccer practice.

-I cook dinner maybe once or twice a week, but usually we just eat whatever we can scrounge up. It's easier that way, and cheaper.

-He generally runs out of socks before I get around to doing the laundry...and then it will sit in the basket for a few days before I fold it and put it away, inevitably quite wrinkly.

I did, however, grow The Kid from a speck to an 8+ pound baby who I eventually had to push out of my body. I give him about a hundred hugs and kisses every day. I taught him a song to teach him how to spell his name. I let him win a few battles. I play video games and board games with him. I take him to the fancy cheese store to sample cheeses whenever he asks (he asks often--he's kind of a weird kid). I let him eat dessert, but not so much that his teeth will fall out or that he'll bounce off the walls. I tell him that I love him constantly. Constantly.

So, yeah, maybe I'm not June Cleaver (not that The Kid would even know who that is), but I'd say I'm doing a decent job. He's a great kid, which must mean that I'm doing something right.

Next time he tells me to act like a real mother, I think I'll spit on a napkin and clean his face with it. That'll teach him.

Caffeinecaffeinecaffeine!

2012-01-13T15:56:00.001-06:00

Although I'm totally not supposed to have caffeine at all (mitral valve prolapse), I've become rather addicted to it lately. This is mostly due to the fact that I've been behind on sleep for the last several months, and I need it to stay awake.

Also, I like to live on the edge. Yeah, that's me--drinkin' coffee like the rebel that I am.

I don't know about you guys, but I find that different caffeinated beverages give me different types of buzzes. I had a conversation about this not too long ago with my beautiful friend Meg, and she agreed: Red Bull is a totally different high than coffee. Here's my very scientific, in-depth analysis of caffeine buzzes:

Can't read it? Click on it.

See? They're all different. Caffeine is weird.

I suppose I should just completely stop drinking the beverages that make me feel jittery or anxious, but that seems kind of extreme. I mean, if drinking vodka made me take off my clothes and sing show tunes, should I just stop drinking it altogether? No! I'd just wear extra layers and make sure nobody with me is carrying a camera.

I'm interested to know how different kinds of caffeine affect other people. Anyone have the same side effects as me? How do coffee and tea differ for you?

Search Term Thursday 1.12.12

2012-01-12T11:09:00.002-06:00

Since I find my search terms so entertaining, I've decided to make them a weekly feature. Say hello to Search Term Thursdays!*

Today's search terms are brought to you by the nutters who used Google to find my blog between the hours of

2012 Jan 11 12:00 – 2012 Jan 12 11:00.

*Why not make it "Search Terms Tuesday", you ask? Because today is Thursday and I just thought of the idea and I don't want to wait five days to publish this post.

It snowed! It snowed!

2012-01-12T09:41:00.000-06:00

It snowed! It snowed!

Remember when you were a kid and you'd wake up in the morning, look out the window excitedly, and jump around shouting those words? Snow is so magical when you're a kid. Now, I kind of hate it.

Sure, it's still pretty to look at, but the first thing I think when I see any amount of snow is, am I going to be able to drive in this stuff?.

I'm a good driver. I grew up in the Midwest, so I'm used to snow and ice, but it still stresses me out. Your car doesn't always go the direction you're pointing it in with snow and ice, which is really my biggest problem. I mean, I'm pointing the steering wheel to the right, why am I going left??

One time, when The Kid was a baby, I took him along with my niece and nephew (who were eight and four at the time) to a meetup at a bookstore. It had just started snowing when we left the house, and since we were only going to stay about an hour, I thought we'd be okay.

Huge. Mistake.

When we came out of the bookstore, my car was covered in snow--inches of it.

What would normally be a fifteen minute drive home turned into a 90-minute struggle of getting stuck on icy hills in my little Saturn Ion sedan. You can imagine what this was like with three small children in the car. One kept yelling, "I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!" as another helpfully suggested, "why don't you just get out and push the car up the hill?".

Other cars, presumably ones with four-wheel drive, were whipping around me. Some honked, but none stopped to help. The only reason I finally made it up the hill is that a salt truck came by and I was able to back up and follow his trail of gritty salvation.

This happened three times in that hour and a half.

By the time I got home, my steering wheel had very deep, very permanent holes in it--from my fingernails. I could practically hear the *pop* as I pried my hands off the wheel. I have never been happier to be home than I was at that moment. I think I may have actually kissed my living room floor.

So, yeah. I don't like snow so much anymore. The only thing I like about it is that I have an excuse to do absolutely nothing but stay in my pajamas, drink tea, and eat cookies.

Come to think of it, maybe snow isn't so bad after all.

Mortality and stuff

2012-01-07T16:45:00.000-06:00

This is probably going to sound pretty morbid to some of you, and I apologize in advance if I'm bringing you down from your New Year's Resolution highs.

I've been thinking a lot about mortality lately, namely my own. For the past five years or so, my sole job as a stay at home mother has been to keep my child alive. Due to the fact that I didn't have time to do much else (keeping a child alive is a lot of work, turns out), my life was basically one big sleepover. Literally. Some days, I didn't get out of my pajamas.*

Now that The Kid is a little more self-sufficient and I've been writing more, I'm getting the feeling that time is passing more rapidly than ever. I can't write fast enough. I can't absorb information quickly enough. I want to know it all and do it all RIGHT NOW. It's like that line at the end of When Harry Met Sally. "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." Only, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with is actually a career, and that career is screenwriting.

Where is this feeling coming from? This is going to sound strange, but even as a child, I always thought I'd die young. Now that I'm 32, I'm starting to feel like I'm running out of time. I don't actually believe that there's anything physically wrong with me, even though I used to be a raging hypochondriac. It's more a general feeling of dread.

I'm not afraid of death (other than the fear of my child growing up without a mother), but I do have some things I'd like to do before I die. I guess it won't be a big deal if those things don't get accomplished, since I'll be dead and all, but it would be nice to experience them while I'm alive. Mostly, I just want to see one of my screenplays get made into a movie.

Anyway, I don't know what my point is. Just that time is slipping away from me? Though I suppose that's not a new concept; it's slipping away from all of us, isn't it? Always has been, always will be. Unless that whole time travel thing gets figured out. Which would be awesome.

If you are reading this from the future and I'm dead, then BOO! Haha! But seriously, if I died very young, could one of you please make sure to put one of my screenplays into the hands of Alexander Payne or Judd Apatow (depending on which one it is, clearly), and guilt them into making my movie? And not one of those crappy Lifetime movies. My dying wish deserves a theatrical run. It's the least you all could do for me.

*Okay, some days I STILL don't get out of my pajamas.

You've Got Snail Mail!

2012-01-05T16:55:00.001-06:00

Who likes getting surprises in the mail? The better question would be who DOESN'T like getting surprises in the mail! Am I right? Surprises are SWEET!

I've been sending a lot of packages through the mail lately: Christmas gifts, scarves, DVDs. Fun stuff. You know what? I really enjoy sending mail to strangers. It makes me feel good. I like the idea that something I was holding in my hands is now in the hands of a person halfway around the world. It's nice.

That's why I decided to create a new blog game called:

What is a blog game, you ask? It's kind of like a blog award, only WAY better. Here's how we're gonna do it:

1.  Write a blog post announcing that you're participating.  

2.  Copy these rules and the above icon into your post.

3.  Ask people to comment if they are willing to participate on their own blog.  Sorry, but you MUST have a blog to join in on the snail mail action.

4.  Choose a winner (or two or three) from your comments section.  You can choose your winners however you like--at random, first comment, 
whoever lives the farthest--it's your blog, do what you want!

5.  Go shopping (or scavenging)!  Pick out items that are easy to mail and cost under $5.  Be thrifty, be creative.  Got something good lying around the house?  Send that!  Mailing your gift to another country or region?  Send a local candy or snack item!  In this case, it really IS the thought that counts. 

6.  Mail those items to your chosen winner(s), and one to the person who sent you a gift (if you received one).  Send a little note with the gift--show off your (little-used) handwriting!

7.  No need to tag other bloggers.  The game will be passed along through the posting of snail mail.

8.  You don't have to be chosen to participate.  If you want to join in the fun but nobody mailed you anything, just start with #1 and away you go!

VERY IMPORTANT: By commenting and saying that you are willing to participate, you are promising to pay it forward. Please only join in if you are willing to give your address (through private email) to the blogger whose blog you are commenting on.

Doesn't this sound like FUN, guys? Aren't you EXCITED?? I am!

If you have any questions or see any mistakes in my rules up there ^, please let me know. This took all my brain power to create. I don't know why I'm so slow today, I swear I'm a smart person.

Let's start! Comment below and tell me if you want to participate. I'll choose up to five readers on Saturday, January 7th 2012 to receive my snail mail.

Ok...go!

The Top 10 Most Annoying Celebrities of 2011

2011-12-29T23:08:00.000-06:00

It's that time of year again, folks! The time of year where I throw all my values out the window and talk trash about celebrities.

Last year's most-annoying celebrity list is actually my most-viewed post of all-time, so I rationalize my pettiness by telling myself that I'm giving the people what they want. Let's ignore the fact that I'm selling out for page views, okay?

Great. Now that's out of the way, without further adieu, I give you:

TB'S TOP TEN MOST ANNOYING CELEBRITIES OF 2011

10. Lady Gaga

No quote necessary. This photo speaks for itself.

I struggled big-time about including Lady Gaga on this list. She has some crazy-loyal fans who I fear very much. YES, she's a great humanitarian and she's done a lot for the LGBT community, and I greatly admire that. Also, she's incredibly talented. Great singer. Actually, the fact that she's such a good musician is the reason why she annoys me so much. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO WEAR A DRESS MADE OF MEAT? WHAT'S UP WITH THE EGG ENTRANCE? DON'T YOU OWN ANY COMFORTABLE SHOES? It makes me sad to see paparazzi photos of her walking through an airport in see-through clothes and 11-inch heels. Lady, nobody is going to stop liking you because you wear sweat pants in public. I promise. ...also, as my blog friend Abby pointed out, "Gaga is a straight ripoff of Madonna!!!" That's true too. *Please don't send me or Abby hate mail*

9. Michael and Dina Lohan

Michael Lohan [to Lindsay, on a voice mail]: I absolutely promise you, I will not mention your name in the press, at all, ever again. (image source)

I hate that I even know who these people are. If you do not, they are Lindsay Lohan's (divorced) parents. They are equally awful, as they both exploit their unbelievably-screwed-up daughter for their own benefit. If I had a daughter and she landed herself in prison, what would I do about that? Write her letters? Send her a care package? Hell no! I'd call a press conference and send letters to all the major tabloids talking about her! They also have a younger daughter who looks like Karen Carpenter and recently got a modeling contract. She just turned 18, so I give her a year or two before she winds up in prison or rehab. Poor thing. With parents like these, she never had a chance.

8. Real Housewives of everywhere

"I don't care if you're scrubbing a toilet, you can still bling it up." -- Alexis Bellino, Real Housewives of Orange County

I'll admit it: I watch some of these. *hangs head in shame* The original (Orange County) and New York City have been set on my DVR for a few years now. I don't know why I can't stop. It's like crack. Come to think of it, the fact that I'm addicted to watching them makes them even more worthy of this list. Stop manipulating me, Bravo! Mostly, these shows are made up of very vapid women with fake everything who drink during the day and get into arguments that sometimes turn physical. It's like The Jerry Springer Show for the nouveau riche. If you ever want to feel better about your life, just turn on one of these shows for fifteen minutes.

7. Charlie Sheen

"I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars."

Maybe he IS from Mars? The drug tests supposedly came back negative, (though I'm convinced that he must have been wearing one of those prosthetic penises filled with clean urine when that particular test was conducted) so what other explanation could there be for this guy's crazy erratic behavior? I'm glad that he's calmed down a bit since the whole Two and a Half Men/Goddesses thing, but it doesn't negate the fact that this dude was all over tv, magazines, and the internet for months. Forget Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn--Charlie Sheen will now forever be remembered as that insane guy who lived with porn stars and filmed long, stupid rants about "winning" and "tiger blood". Way to go, dude.

6. Tim Tebow

(photo source)

I don't actually have anything against Tebow. He could be a very nice guy. To be honest, the only thing I know about him is that he's super-religious and he plays football. The reason he annoys me enough to warrant a space on this list is because I CANNOT AVOID HIM. I hate football. Stop forcing me to know this guy's name, internet.

5. Kate Gosselin

"Everything I do is for my kids. My kids are the reason I laid on bed rest [for months]. My kids are the reason that I wrote the books, and it's always about them, and I know that the books are about me, but...what you don't see is the family inside. It's a desperate desire for me to provide for my kids." (image source)

I'm thinking this is the last year Kate Gosselin will be relevant, and for that I am truly thankful. She has exploited her eight children to the point that it's no longer about taking care of their needs, but maintaining a certain lifestyle that she's grown accustomed to. How can you go on television and say that you're doing a reality show so that your kids will be provided for, and then the next week go and buy yourself a two-door Audi? Hey Kate: if you want a career in entertainment, go ahead. Just stop using your kids.

4. Donald Trump

"You know, it really doesn`t matter what [the media] write as long as you`ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass."

My hatred for "The Donald" is well-documented. I wrote him an open letter earlier this year, detailing all the reasons why he's a tool who's unfit to run our country. I like to think that he read it, and that's why he decided not to run for President. You're welcome, everyone.

3. Ashton Kutcher

"The truth is that I'm an idiot. I am. I don't do things by the rules sometimes. I say things that I probably shouldn't say. I push buttons. I deserve to be made fun of."

Maybe you and your wife had an open marriage. Maybe it was over long ago. Who knows? Your marriage = your business...oh, wait. That's not true. It's everyone's business because you sleep with girls who run to the tabloids and tell us every detail down to how low your balls hang. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS INFORMATION. He's getting divorced now (shocker), but it would have been nice if he'd have either not cheated at all or banged more discreet women. I can't even watch That 70's Show re-runs now without thinking of what a douche this guy is. This makes me angry, because that show was pretty funny.

2. Child Bride Courtney Stodden & Doug Hutchison

"I would go to college and study all of Doug. All of his body, and all the elements within that. What they do and what they still do. It would be a lot of fun." (image source)

What in the hell??? He was 50, she was supposedly 16 when they got married earlier this year. I refused to believe it. This girl looks older than me. Also...ew. He's gross. What kind of parents would be okay with that? BAD parents. That's who. If you need a good laugh or an appetite suppressant, I urge you to Google these two and watch an interview. My prediction is that they'll be divorced by Spring, she'll turn into a nun, and her family will sue him for taking advantage of their daughter. That would make more sense than what they say is really going on here: love.

1. The Kardashians

"It seems that shows like Teen Mom are all of a sudden making teen pregnancy seem cool in the eyes of young girls. The kids from these shows are all over the news, even on the covers of magazines, and have been become almost like celebrities, but girls, these are not people you should idolize!" - Kim Kardashian. Kettle, meet pot. (image source)

No group of people has ever been so proud of being famous for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING as this family is. They wear it like a badge. People still watch their show and read magazines about their fake love lives. These people were a no-brainer for number 1 on this year's list. They're number one on everyone's list of annoying people. Sorry to be so predictable, but I just can't think of anyone who deserves this honor more. GO AWAY KARDASHIANS!

So, that's this year's list. That was cathartic. I'll probably have trouble sleeping tonight because I feel so bad about talking crap about all these people, even though they all sorta deserve it.

I'm sure that many of you will disagree with some of these choices, but it's my blog so it's my list and (if you haven't figured it out by now) I do what I want. Many of the people on last year's list aren't relevant anymore, and that makes me very happy. My hope is that I won't be able to think of 10 annoying celebrities next year, and I won't be able to come up with a "Most Annoying Celebrities of 2012" list. Wouldn't that be great?

I dream big.

The Top 10 Things I learned in 2011

2011-12-28T08:51:00.000-06:00

Lists are fun.

Last year, I spent the last few days of the year making top 10 lists. I quite enjoyed it. Let's do it again!

THE TOP 10 THINGS I LEARNED IN 2011

1. Comparing yourself to other people is pointless. I have had a healthier self-image this year than at any other point in my life, and I credit my New Year's resolution for this. I've had a few setbacks, but for the most part, it's stuck. How many people can say that about their New Year's resolution?

2. In related news, I figured out that I am not as pretty as I thought I was. But I'm okay with that. I think it's mostly photo-related anyway.

3. Fisher-Price is not open to suggestions about adding female action figures to their Imaginext line of toys...but you can make one pretty easily out of sculpt-and-bake clay.

4. Even though it seems like a pretty pointless appendage, breaking your pinkie toe sucks. (Can you believe that it STILL hurts???)

5. Blogging anonymously makes you paranoid. Blogging as yourself makes you freeeeeee!

6. Getting recognized by Blogger as a Blog of Note is freakin' awesome, but when they do it right after you do a video post about soup, they use that picture to link you. Then everyone thinks you're a cooking blog. :-/

7. Blog-a-thons are fun, even if you have to break the rules to make the deadline. Same goes for blog awards. It's your blog, do what you want!

8. You have to be really careful what you tweet, otherwise the bots will find you and destroy your self-esteem.

9. If you buy something on Amazon and pay for 2-day shipping, you are guaranteed to get it in...four days.

10. People find my blog in super-weird and offensive ways, but many of them are just looking to attract their very own nerd.

Christmas Highlights.

2011-12-25T20:16:00.001-06:00

Did everyone have a Merry Christmas?

"Merry" seems like such a British term to me. I find it strange that we, in the U.S., say "merry Christmas", but I often hear "happy Christmas" from the Brits. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Weird.

My Christmas was lovely, thanks for asking. Last night, before we went to bed, I told The Kid that he wasn't allowed to come into our room or get out of bed at all before it was light out, or Santa may not come. We woke up this morning to a loud "Oh come ON!" coming from his room at 7 AM. It was still dark out. My kid is a rule-follower.

The Hubby and I got out of bed and told The Kid that it was, indeed, morning and that he had waited long enough. He got up excitedly and saw that Santa had come--then he ran and gave The Hubby and I hugs before doing anything else. Man, I have a great kid.

The highlights of my day were receiving a set of noise-cancelling headphones for music recording and this shirt from The Hubby:

Did I mention that I'm a Wizard of Oz FREAK?

Also, I got to take TWO naps. TWO. It was like a Christmas miracle!

Now, I am drinking gin and typing to you lovely people. What were your Christmas day highlights? Did you get any cool gifts? Did anyone fight? Did you eat anything particularly interesting? Do share!

It's a good thing I recycle...

2011-12-24T14:37:00.002-06:00

Because I just received this in the mail:

Yes, that's a gift card that came wrapped in a 6"x6" square box. Filled with brown paper.

I appreciate the gift card very very much (thank you, wonderful Mother in-law!), but is this really the most economical and convenient way they could have sent it? It's flat. How about...oh...I don't know...AN ENVELOPE?

Seriously, The Limited. If anyone in charge there is reading this, I hope you can see how poorly this kind of thing reflects on your company. It's terribly wasteful.

Okay, done with that rant. I'm going to watch It's A Wonderful Life now.

Merry Christmas!!

Ho-ho-ho my goodness!

2011-12-22T15:39:00.000-06:00

Whoever sent me the 70th Anniversary edition of The Wizard of Oz on blu-ray off of my Amazon wishlist, THANK YOU SO MUCH! There was no receipt, so I have no idea who sent it*, but I can't tell you how much the gift brightened up my day. :)

We're watching it right now, but I can't wait until The Kid takes a nap so that I can listen to the historian's commentary! Can you all tell what a Wizard of Oz freak I am? I don't care! I love it! :)

I don't know what it is about The Wizard of Oz, but it's been a favorite ever since I was a little kid. In fact, when I was ten, I got the 50th Anniversary double VHS edition of the movie for Christmas. Isn't that funny? I wonder if I'll get the 100th anniversary edition for Christmas in another 30 years! (the answer is absolutely yes, yes I will)

Speaking of movies, our television has been running overtime lately, trying to get all the Christmas movies viewed before it's too late. The best thing about holiday films is that even if they're really bad, they're still pretty good. For instance, we watch Jingle All the Way a lot this time of year because it's one of The Kid's favorites. Technically, it's kind of an awful movie, but it's fun and the setting helps you get into the Christmas spirit.

Here's my list of Christmas movies that I have to watch every year:

It's A Wonderful Life
A Christmas Story
Home Alone
Jingle All The Way
The Family Man
Elf
Miracle on 34th Street (the one with Natalie Wood)

The Grinch
Just Friends
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Love Actually
Christmas With The Kranks
Deck the Halls
The Holiday
The Santa Clause
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Frosty the Snowman
Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Don't judge. If I'm having a hard time getting into the spirit of the season, I'll pop in one of these movies and it will start coming to me.

What about you guys? What do you like to watch this time of year?

*If my benefactor would like to come forward and claim responsibility, I will gladly make him or her a scarf. Scarves are my new currency. :)