A Little Bit of Life

How to Dream Just Big Enough in 5 Easy Steps

2018-03-09T18:02:00.004-05:00

What does it mean to "Dream Just Big Enough?" If you're a dreamer, like me, you know how challenging it can feel to have many dreams you wish to accomplish. Dreaming Just Big Enough means understanding that your dreams are achievable, and figuring out just how to make them happen. Have you ever taken the time to write down all of your dreams, your passions, your ambitions in life?

Today's challenge is to learn how to Dream Just Big Enough, without putting yourself into a state of overwhelming confusion and anxiety. This is a guide to help you achieve your dreams.

Are you ready?

Step 1. WRITE DOWN ALL OF YOUR DREAMS.

All of them. What have you longed to do your entire life? Is there a career you've always wanted to pursue, or a trip you've wanted to take? It can be as simple as a sport you've wanted to try, or as intensive as wanting to write a book or change career paths. Maybe it's something you already do, that you're passionate about, but want to do more of or make it your sole source of income. Your dreams are amazing and there are ways to accomplish them.

Step 2. PRIORITIZE.

It seems so simple, right? Now that you have your list of dreams jotted down, take some time to reflect on the things that matter to you most. What are the dreams you want to accomplish over everything else.
Take a second to reflect on a couple of thoughts: Will this make me happy? Will I have fun doing this? Would I do this everyday if I had the opportunity?
These are just a few ideas, but dig deeper. Think about the things that make you, you. Ask yourself, "Will this make me a better person? Do I get a sense of rush when I think about it? Am I truly passionate about my dream(s)?"

Step 3. REFLECT & RESEARCH.

Now that you have a better idea of what your dreams are and the ones that are most important to you, it's time to reflect. Think about your current situation, where you are in life, or maybe where you are in the world. Stay positive! That's what this challenge is all about - helping your confront yourself and DREAM JUST BIG ENOUGH. Take the TOP 3 of the dreams you prioritized in Step 2. This will give you something solid to focus on. Think about things you could do in your life that will help advance you in the right direction - the direction of accomplishing your dreams. If you're anything like me, time and money are always the top two things that tend to stand between me and my dreams. These are challenges, but challenges can be overcome. Write down five ways that you could start moving toward your dreams. For example, if you're in debt, but you want to take that trip of a lifetime, one of your five might be a "get out of debt plan." Start researching strategies to get out of debt, like the Snowball Plan. Learn ways to pay off your credit cards, student loans, medical bills while still saving some money on the side, or paying off everything and then saving money for that dream vacation. Cut back on things like going out to eat, or going out too much. Try a new recipe at home with the things you already have in your cabinets. Watch a different style of movie at home on Netflix.
Start shifting your mindset. It's the little things that can make a significant impact.
Remember, this is just an example, but there is always a way to accomplish your dreams. You just have to find a way to make it happen.

Step 4. SET SOME GOALS.

And hold yourself accountable. It's time to create a timeline! Take the knowledge you learned from your research and apply this to your timeline. Maybe your dream is to be the next top fitness influencer. Are you in shape? Do you eat well and prioritize your health? Do you have social media accounts dedicated to your dream? Or maybe you have all of that and you're wanting to take it a step further, but don't know how to do it. Take a marketing class. Read, read, read. Reach out to others who have already done it, and keep reaching out. Learn from the people around you. Become a real influence to your viewers.
Map out (on a calendar, with dates!) your goals and by when you hope to achieve them. It's okay if they don't 100% align to reality - the goal here is to get you moving in the right direction. You know what your dreams are, you've prioritized them, you've reflected and done research and now you're setting your timeline, you're setting your goals. Be realistic. Dream Just Big Enough so that you can meet and accomplish those goals and move one step closer to achieving your dreams.

Step 5. DO.

You make your dreams happen. No one does it for you. Now go out there are get 'em!

Thoughts from the author: You might be thinking, these dreams are nothing like the dreams I want to achieve. My dreams are so much bigger than this. It doesn't matter how big or how small someone's dreams are, you can make them happen if you want them to happen. It's all about believing in yourself. Reach out to those around you who love you. Ask for their help. Ask for their support.
My dream - to become a working, professional actor. It's a BIG dream. It's a big goal. In an industry that is so cut throat. Where there are literally millions of people who have the same dream. But it's my passion and it makes me incredibly happy. I followed the above method to understand that it is possible. It won't be easy and it will be a long journey, but I'm ready for the ride! I have an amazing fiance, family and friends who support me and my crazy dreams, but it all comes down to the belief I have in myself. So learn to BELIEVE in YOU.

Infinity

2015-12-29T18:34:00.000-05:00

Having just moved to Sydney, I was sitting by the Harbor drinking a beer and a wave of inspiration took over. There came Infinity.

Wind rustles my sails as I float away into the distant harbor
The open ocean pulls me deep and deeper through the long dark hours
The depth of the sea encompasses the all of me
My soul washes away with the waves that have yet to be
Fire ignites on the shores so far far away
The light fades like the sun fades throughout my day
I am lost in a world that does not belong to me
Yet I am one with the vastness of the misunderstood infinity

Living on a Tiny Balcony - Creating a Garden Masterpiece

2015-08-14T08:23:00.000-04:00

London isn't known for its large apartments with over sized balconies that allow for outdoor dining sets, grills and bikes like many places in the United States. Honestly, I'm lucky to be living somewhere with a balcony at all, not to mention facing a beautiful park. The only downfall to this is that we are a prime location for perching pigeons and the balcony is bland. We (and really I mean me) decided that it would be a great idea to spice it up a little and create a garden masterpiece with colorful flowers, herbs, vegetables and even our very own compost!
After doing some online research for the best ways to utilize small balconies for growing these types of plants, we headed off to the gardening store and went wild.

Step 1: Clean the Balcony (from the pigeon poop - uhh)
Step 2: (The fun part) Begin the planting. We purchased one over the balcony hanger for the flowers, one larger planter for the veggies and one smaller planter for the herbs at the local store to get started and I ordered a couple things from Amazon. We also found a crate on the side of the road that I decided to line with plastic from the compost bags and add herbs and chili's.
Step 3: Build a Tower Garden. I went to the local shop to get some PVC pipe and the tools to cut holes. (see in photo)
Step 4: Build a pallet garden. Create a vertical garden by using an old pallet and cutting it to size and lining with landscape mesh. (You can see step by step(ish) below):

Break apart and cut the pallet to size

Re-position the boards for plant space

Attach landscaping mesh and add soil
Cut small holes and insert plants

Voila, the final product.
Next to my homemade compost made out of trashcans.

Step 5: The design on the garden. We wanted the balcony to be full of green but still have enough space for two chairs and a small little
table.
This is how it all turned out:

Tower Garden on the left

Balcony Garden in the making..

Adding the final touches

Two chairs and a table

Compost looking good
Weird things growing in there...

Enjoying the balcony :)

Even Oeli loves it!

Step 6: Create an Indoor Garden that makes it easier for the most commonly used herbs.

Updates since this was all created:
I was able to grow 3 strawberries, then the plants stopped producing any more. I found the culprit that was eating some of my plants (the entirety of my mixed salad I was trying to grow) and I accidentally killed it instead of letting it go free to turn into a butterfly somewhere else :(. Most of my spinach isn't growing well because it's a cold weather plant. My squash is struggling but I'm hoping the one that's currently growing doesn't die like the last one.
On the plus side:
I have 3 chili's growing, 1 pepper, 4 large tomatoes, and a bunch of cherry tomatoes. All of my herbs are growing pretty strong and the flowers are in full bloom.

I'm proud of my little balcony garden to make our apartment feel more homey :)

Living Life in London-town: Part 2 - "You are the only you"

2015-06-15T10:39:00.001-04:00

Imagine a world where life seems simple, life seems easy, life seems (pause for effect) GOOD. Well, for the first time in a very long time, that's my life. London feels comfortable, like curling up in your most cherished sweatshirt and pants, snuggled under a blanket watching your favorite movie, snacking on your favorite snack. Much unlike the loathed City of Washington, D.C. that I was stuck in before, dreading every day, London has welcomed me with open arms.
Of course, I'm living the dream: a wonderful man, the best dog in the world, new and old friends, living in a great location and the world at my fingertips. Oh, did I mention that I get to take my time to find the perfect job? All of this does not go without saying how truly blessed I am (in all meaning of the word) to be where I am. I wouldn't change a thing about who I am, what has shaped me to get here or the life I am currently living. This is where I am supposed to be. This feels right.

...Living Life in London-town: Part 2, photos

Living Life in London-town: Part 1

2015-06-01T10:10:00.000-04:00

[Contrary to popular belief, I was welcomed with sunshine and semi-warm weather.]
It's been two weeks since my arrival. I question where the past two weeks have gone, but I do know they have been filled with laughter, adventure, travel and not to mention, settling in to what will be my home for the next... who knows how long.
Warmly welcomed by an incredible man who has been nothing but a huge support from the beginning, Oeli and I quickly fell in love with what would be our new life.

A couple of pictures from the last two weeks of our new lives that include my goodbye, our welcoming, Italy, outings around London-town and domestication.

Xussie wondering why she's being disturbed just for me to say goodbye.

Daddy dropping me off at the airport. Mom and I didn't get a picture before I left (my fault, I forgot).

A warm and heartfelt goodbye with Aunt Faye and Uncle John.

A wonderful Welcome to London brunch with Adam, Tom (roomie), plus Kate and Rene!!!

Oeli fits right in.

Being domestic and creating a balcony garden.

Oeli settling in just fine :)

All of the wonderful people I've heard so much about welcoming me to London with a Sunday roast!

We're silly people.

Italian coast...

Piggy backing around Italia

Adam sneaking in a kiss before the wedding.

The beautiful married couple (Lisa and Gerard)!

EXPLORATION
to an old fortress

Living on that "Natural Homemade Deodorant"

2015-05-05T22:23:00.000-04:00

Hi all!
It's been a while but as you may or may not know, I've been moving to all-natural products over the past year and a half. Natural everything: soap, shampoo (which I will touch on later in a different post), etc., but deodorant has been the very last thing... I was a devout "Secret" user mainly because I LOVED the scent of the deodorant and how it made me smell - but of course it's toxic. After my uncle mentioned something the other day about how he believes store made deodorant actually is the increasing cause of breast cancer, I started doing some research and think it's time that I move away from the chemically induced antiperspirant.

I was a huge skeptic on whether or not the homemade deodorant would work, but after I made my batch (two different styles which I will list below), I was immediately impressed!
I removed the deodorant from my beloved Secret (the one that twists up through the holes and is more "liquid" with still being solid) as well as removing that of a travel Secret solid tube.

I referenced the recipe here (recipe #2) but wanted more of a "Secret" like scent and wanted to make the "sheer-solid" style that would allow me to use that Secret tube.

My recipe to make the "sheer-solid":
Baking Soda (2.5 tbs)
Pure Corn Starch (2.5 tbs) - I used Johnson's Baby Powder pure corn starch with aloe
Vitamin E oil (just a couple drops)
Tangerine essential oil (5-8 drops) - depending on your preference
Lemon essential oil (5-8 drops) - depending on your preference
Thieves essential oil (4-5 drops) - Thieves is strong so be careful not to overpower
Pure Coconut Oil (2 tbs)

I played around a little with the Corn Starch and Baking Soda to create the right consistency. This helped make it almost like a thick batter that easily went into the tube and when turned, came out almost like the Secret did, with a bit of a different consistency but still worked. I wish I could describe the exact consistency, but think of a good thick pancake batter.

For the more solid (regular deodorant stick), I just added more corn starch and baking soda to the mix and packed it in the tube once it became a more solid consistency. *note: it will break apart until pressed together because of the added corn starch and baking soda*

At first, I wasn't sure about the scent, but once it settled, it actually smells quite good, especially under the arms and is subtle and not overpowering. I've noticed less sweating and no odor seeping through so far, so this makes me extremely happy!
So happy I found this recipe and I highly recommend it, with whichever scent you personally choose! But please make sure you're using high quality pure essentials oils. :)

Living as The Average Sized Female

2014-06-18T18:59:00.000-04:00

I'm scrolling through endless articles, photos and the "new professional" attire fashion tips as I prepare for my interview in D.C. on Friday, thinking there is NO WAY I would look good in that.
It makes me wonder why everything I've seen lately is still targeted for the Size 2 female. Which I have to admit is an improvement from the Size 0 it used to be. But I have no idea what this outfit would look like on me. How will it fit on a woman with boobs, with curves, with actual thighs instead of chicken legs?
Isn't there a campaign to promote healthy bodies and healthy body image? How are we as females supposed to do that when all we see around us are advertisements that promote Size 2 and under, tall and incredibly skinny women.

This is not me:

Nor is this:

But this is the average girl:

And it's not because we're not healthy. It's not because we don't exercise. It's not because we overeat. Mostly it's because of our genes, because we don't want to feel starved, or because we enjoy some of the joys of life that include delicious (and starchy) food and beer. Well, at least I do. And as I'm trying to find the perfect interview outfit that looks professional without making me feel like a whale (and no, I'm not fat, I'm just your average sized woman), I find these photos of great fashion styles, but I have no idea what it would look like on ME.
My idea of body image is morphed because of what I've been conditioned to believe is beautiful and I don't know how to break that cycle. As long as I'm active, eat well, feel good about myself and exercise regularly to keep my mind and body healthy, that's really all that should matter, right?

Living Life - Back in America

2014-05-29T11:18:00.001-04:00

It wasn't easy knowing I was leaving my beloved Grenoble, the place that had become my home. I was happy there. I enjoyed the culture, lifestyle and people who had become a part of my life. But all good things come to an end; and so, I left my Grenoble apartment at 3:45am on the morning of May 22, 2014, knowing that would be the last time I would see this beautiful city again for a long while.

It was bitter-sweet, the return home. I had some amazing help at the airport, Oeli was the best travel dog ever and I got to drink my sorrows away on board, for free. I was greeted with a friendly smile from one of my great friends at the airport, who so graciously picked me up in D.C., and we drove back to begin another life in the States.

The days were long as jet-lag set in, Memorial Day weekend was in full throttle and thousands of emotions swept over me like a storm of wildfire. I didn't know how to think, act, feel... be. I just knew that I was in a new chapter of my life while still re-reading chapters of my past. Unhappy thoughts and sorrow rushed over me. Dreams of the past haunted me. I had opened a can of worms coming back to the life I had once known, that was no longer the same.

“It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.”
― John Steinbeck

My lights went out when I came home and I'm still fighting to turn them all back on. I don't know how long it will take or how long I will have to fight, but I'll never stop.

It's my family and friends that make me smile, the memories that I will never forget that push me to make new ones, and knowing that the world has so much to offer that drives me to do my best. I am on just one small branch of my Tree of Life. No matter how much doubt I feel today, I control how I will feel tomorrow... and I am on a mission to make the best out of life!

Living the "No Shampoo" Do: Part 2

2014-05-10T08:59:00.001-04:00

Hello All,

I thought it might be a good idea to give an update on my "No Shampoo" treatment and a couple more things I've discovered since I last posted.

I've been doing this for a while now, and it's going great! And it gets easier the longer I've been doing it.

Keep reading for MY TIPS section.

There are MAJOR perks living the "No Shampoo" do.


And it's been growing so fast!

The best part about all of this, is how simple it is.

MY TIPS

A couple of pointers that I've discovered along the way:

1. Stop using all products. After the one time I used the baking soda (*I don't use the baking soda/vinegar mix*), I found that my hair got clumped together and and had a weird texture at the bottom; although my scalp did feel squeaky clean. That could have been from poor rinsing the ends, however.
Continue if it suits you well though! I personally prefer no product.
2. I rinse my hair only once a week. **USE COLD WATER* - the reason you should use cold water to rinse your hair is because warm or hot water will also warm the natural oils causing them to stick together and create that clumpy/oily feeling in your hair. Using cold water will not do this.
3. Comb the oils through your hair frequently. You want to pull them from your roots through your entire head of hair.
4. I've reduced my baby powder/talc usage. I try to only add in baby powder or talc once a day (although sometimes twice) - *adding this creates BODY! (and static)* Get a great body look but don't use too much that makes your hair stand straight up or look white. Remember the baby powder/talc with help reduce moisture in the hair.
5. Let it fall naturally. It creates a beautiful, natural style.

There are some all-natural/organic (made from plants) hair washing products that I've thought about trying as a cleanser once every month. If I give it a go, I will update you on how it goes!

How many of you have tried it and quit? What were the reasons you caved? What things have you struggled most with? Have you discovered any good pointers that others could use?

Leave a comment! I'd like to hear about your experience and give any feedback from my own personal experience. :)

Living my last days in France

2014-05-05T16:56:00.001-04:00

T-18 days until my visa expires. I wish I could say that I was beyond thrilled to go home, but with little enthusiasm, I will be heading back to the United States.
Although this experience in France has been quite different than my previous, I have to admit, it was everything I had hoped for and needed - and more.

Starting off a little rough, beaten down, heartbroken and lost, my first months in France were not an easy feat. I questioned my decision to move across the vast ocean, yet again, leaving everything I loved behind. I wondered if my decisions were actually what I wanted or just what I thought I wanted. But I had made my choice, accepted the consequences and had to keep living. There is no reliving the past, so focus on the present and let the future come at will.

Once I finally accepted that I could do nothing about the external things that were affecting my spirit, I tried to let the negativity go and surround myself with positive people and energy. I started my #100HappyDays which helped me appreciate, once again, the little things in life that make me happy, and I began moving to a better place within myself. I still struggle, from time to time, as thoughts of the past pop into my head or questions about my decisions or the future storm over me, but overall this experience has helped shape me back into the person I want to be.

Still as the days tick on... I have yet to buy my plane ticket (1. because it is so damn expensive and I can't afford it and 2. I am secretly prolonging my return as much as possible). This is not to say that I can't wait to see my wonderful family and friends back home, but more so because I am slightly worried I will slip back into the dejected emotional state I was experiencing before.

I should probably get on that ticket thing.

I love my life here, the culture, the language, the leisure, the people. The way of living is much more relaxed without the constant stress or hustle and bustle. It makes me feel more alive. I am worried I will be re-caught in the death-trap of 40+ hour work weeks, little to no vacation time, minimal time for self reflection and the constant "go, go, go," lifestyle. I understand why the French love France, and not just for their work ethics *sarcasm* (this could be an entirely new blog post), but for the mellow and agréable ambiance of their lives of which I have become so accustomed.

It takes being forced to go home to realize my heart isn't ready.

Oeli and I have adapted well here and I was hoping to find a job that would allow us to stay at least another year, but things haven't worked out and we have to carry on. I am not ready to leave, but I know wherever the wind takes us next, there is a great ride ahead. Staying positive, staying hopeful, and staying strong to who I am - with a smile.

Living the Hitch-hiking Way

2014-04-17T06:49:00.001-04:00

I left with 20 euros in my pocket, a small backpack and no phone. It would take around 5 hours to get to Montpellier from Grenoble, so I had heard, and I was hoping to arrive before nightfall. It was the first time I had hitch-hiked alone. The day was beautiful, not a cloud in the sky and the air was warm - a great day to stand around with my thumb stuck out, waiting for a nice soul to stop and take me to some further destination. As a solo hitch-hiker, you have to learn to follow your instincts, sharpen your wit and trust people more than you normally would. Travelling as a solo girl hitch-hiker, you have to augment all of those at an even higher level.

Fortunately, I had an amazing first experience making my way to the south of France. I have to thank the five people who picked me up along the way and got me safely to Montpellier: the English-speaking dad, the physical eduction high school teacher, the woman en route to visit her family, the semi-truck driver, and the French-islander from (one of those occupied French islands). I know none of their names, just their stories. I made it there before the sky grew dim.

Montpellier (and Courtney - the friend I was visiting who I had met a month earlier when she came to CouchSurf in Grenoble) showed me an amazing time and was a great host.
We laid on the sandy beaches of Montpellier, created catchy names for future inventions, watched five cars burn completely up in the middle of the night after our two hour jam session at a closed bar, bronzed in the sun by the river and mocked the multitude of photographers and their subjects. Our literal "mockage" goes as follows:

"Oh, look at me. Oui, take my picture."

(Uh oh! I got caught in the mockery) - notice said girl in white

Just laugh it off.

My weekend in Montpellier wasn't all fun and games. I did have a terrible interview on Monday morning, where I was told my French sucked and my English grammar sucked even worse. Let's just say I won't be getting that job. Now to thinking differently about the future, yet again.

The adventure back from Montpellier was yet another interesting one when four French-Turks picked me up and dropped me off well further than I needed to go, that left me with difficulty trying to get a ride back to Grenoble. I met another hitch-hiker while hanging out around a toll booth, a very nice toll attendant named Erik and a lady who kindly dropped me off in Lyon. Luckily, I was able to get a hold of a friend that lives in Lyon who fed me and let me crash there for the night. I made my way back to Grenoble the next morning to arrive just in time to teach my first class.
I told my students if any of them could top my weekend, they could all leave. It was a sure shot none of them could, but they all enjoyed the story of my eventful weekend.

I came back with .32 cent in my pocket.

Living as "The Girl Next Door" in the French Alps

2014-04-07T17:29:00.000-04:00

For those of you that haven't noticed yet, I have started a "living series." Each post I write for the next couple of months will be tagged, labelled and will be titled with "Living" in some form or another. hashtag #thelivingseries
I thought this would be an interesting way to portray my writing, as I'm currently "living" abroad and "living" life to the fullest possible. So today's topic: Living as "The Girl Next Door."

That's right, I'm the girl next door. Maybe in the traditional sense as well, who knows, but I'm talking literally, "the girl next door." The girl next door to a really attractive, who happens to be pretty awesome, French guy... with a girlfriend. First off, I hope he never reads this because it would be incredibly embarrassing (or funny), depending on how you look at it. However, I am completely attracted to said French man, but not-so-much that he has a girlfriend.

I'm not sure why I tend to want things I can't have - oh wait, I think that comes with life and probably my personality as well. But unfortunately, this one will have to remain friends. I can still look right?

Just kidding. He lives on the 4th floor.

On a side note, Spring is in the air... everywhere I look around. The flowers are in full bloom, the lower mountains have shed their white blankets for a fresh green canvas and the air is warm in the valley. The people are out and about and Oeli is enjoying basking in the sun on a daily basis. You can't beat a long bike right from the city into the French countryside, where horses roam, three mountain ranges surround you in all directions, the air is warm and the sun is shining down on your face. That's how I spent my Sunday afternoon in the beautiful French Alps. I don't think I can give this up any time soon.

Living Abroad with a Dog

2014-04-06T08:39:00.005-04:00

Sure, the process of bringing my precious pooch to France was exhausting. I had to make sure he was up-to-date on all of his shots, he was micro-chipped, certified, and not to mention all the dreadful paperwork to complete the process. It took numerous trips to the vet and the final trip to Washington DC to get his USDA certification to permit him to travel out of the country.

Sure, I had to buy a new cage for him to travel in, pay the airline company (a lot of money) to allow him to travel with me and I had to think about his well being on top of it all.

The first time I lived abroad, I was staying in the dorms, which did not allow animals. At the same time, I wanted to experience life as an exchange student, travel and adventure as I pleased. My parents offered to watch Oeli during the year I was abroad. I can't explain how many times I thought about him, wanted his company and missed being able to look into his sweet, sweet eyes. I knew that if I were to ever to go back abroad after that year, I would take him with me. The experience that I had as an exchange student was one of the most, if not the most amazing year of my life to date, and I wouldn't change anything I experienced. But I can recall certain points during the year that having my loving companion would have been just the right thing to get over the home sickness or cure my case of the "Debbie Downer."
After finding out that I would be returning to France this year, there was no doubt in my mind that Oeli would be coming with me. It had been 4 years since the first time I had lived in France; and I knew my experience here this time would be completely different and I was okay with living a more settled life this go-round.

Sure, now I have to think more about him instead of myself. I can't just leave for a weekend without making multiple arrangements to ensure he's taken care of while I'm gone. I come home during to day to walk him and come home early at night. I've had to deal with annoying neighbours, whimpering because he needs (or wants) to go outside, countless bags of dog food, treats, play toys (that he tears up immediately) and "accidents" in my room.

But there is nothing better than the unconditional love a dog gives. He is selfless, obedient and reassuring. He's always there for me when I need him most and he never lacks in cuddles. He has the cutest ears that flop in the wind and his markings make him unique. He always makes me smile as he cocks his head one way and then another when you speak to him. He knows when he's been bad and he tucks his head and shrinks down, but I can't stay mad for long because he deserves nothing but love. He knows when I'm sad and is always there to comfort me; and he looks at me with those sweet, sweet eyes that say, "Mom, don't worry. Everything is going to be okay."
And it will be, because he is there to make everything better.

I would never give him up for a million dollars, because it is he who helps build my happiness on a daily basis. He isn't just a dog: he's my best friend and companion.

Hi, I'm Oeli.

Living the "No Shampoo" Do

2014-04-04T14:24:00.003-04:00

Maybe it was the fact that I was tired of dishing out hundreds of dollars (or Euros) a year in order to keep my hair looking "so fresh and so clean clean;" or maybe, subconsciously, I thought that instead of buying more shampoo and conditioner, I could buy another beer (or two) when I went out with my friends later that night. No matter what the cause, I up and decided to go cold turkey and chemical free on the hair front and walked away from the hair product aisle empty handed.

It had already been five days since I had washed my hair. It was possibly the longest it had ever been. I had normally washed my hair once a day with the occasional 'skip a day' and "throw it up" method; but five days was a drastic amount of time for me and I wondered how I had made it that long. Even when I was backpacking Europe and Asia, or travelling around India and Nepal, I still always found the opportunity to wash my hair: whether it was in a cold shower, out of a spigot, or bucket, or under a waterfall in the jungle. That's right, I was addicted. I thought the only way for my hair to look, feel and smell clean was to use that beautiful thing we call, "shampoo." Honestly, I used to think the only way I could feel clean was to have my hair washed. Oh, has that changed drastically.

I had been on a snowboarding trip over a long weekend. Unfortunately, I didn't have much time to take a shower before running to catch my train the day I was leaving. I didn't realize that I hadn't washed my hair the day before either. I didn't see any worry since there would be a shower at the apartment where we would be staying. But immediately upon my arrival, we starting cooking dinner and partaking in the nights festivities. On a snowboarding trip in a small apartment hosting 7-8 people and one bathroom, people tend to throw hygiene out the window, or at least minimize the amount of showering time that takes place. That meant, "no hair washing;" and that is how it all started!

I had briefly seen a Buzzfeed article about a girl who hadn't washed her hair in three years, but I didn't read it. But for some reason, when I was standing in the hair product aisle a couple of days later, that article popped into my head. I thought, if she can do it, so can I! And here I am, months later, with healthy and clean-looking hair (I even have great volume!).

Taken April 4, 2014 (just after I let my hair down from a ruffled bun) - sorry it's webcam quality

I have to be honest, in the beginning, I didn't think I could do it. I hadn't done any research on it, my hair was already starting to become really oily and I hated the fact that I didn't have that silky feeling conditioner gives you after a shower. But once I found out that shampoo actually strips all of your natural oils, causing your scalp to overcompensate causing it to become immediately oily (the reason why I washed my hair everyday), I thought, this cannot be good for my hair! I never looked back. I knew I wanted to give it up.

I cheated once, when I went to get a haircut. There is no better feeling than having someone else wash your hair and getting an incredible head massage along with it. But I immediately regretted it when I had to START ALL OVER.
Not only with the readjustment from my hair, but then my own personal endeavour.

HOW I DID IT:

Like I mentioned, I went cold turkey. I didn't start with organic products or even the vinegar and baking soda mixture. I went straight for the kill and completely cut out everything. I started out simply rinsing my hair thoroughly, scrubbing almost as if there was shampoo in it. It gave me the sensation that I was still "washing" my hair, even though I wasn't. Then once my hair was dry, (I mostly naturally dry, but if in a rush, I will still use a blow dryer) I would add a little baby powder to the roots to help minimize the oily appearance that happens in the beginning.
Since I first started the process, my hair has changed completely. It's less oily, although I still add baby powder on occasion to make it "feel clean," and especially to my bangs that hit my forehead. Now, I only have to rinse it once every couple of days, still scrubbing as if I'm massaging shampoo into it. It's incredible how we don't need hair products to make our hair look and feel healthier. And the interesting part about it - it doesn't smell at all! I know most people ask themselves, "doesn't it start to smell?" but it actually does not. And if you are really considering this lifestyle change and need to have some type of scent in your hair to make you feel clean, I recommend natural oils. Put them on the ends of your hair where your hair becomes the most dry and it will make it feel smoother and give you a "smelly-good" sensation without having to use any products.
Another helpful hint: If you are getting to the point where it's becoming "too much," use the baking soda trick. Before my recent play (I knew I would have to be on stage and wanted to make sure my hair looked especially nice), I took my baking soda into the shower and just scrubbed my roots to give my hair some good volume. I probably didn't need to do this, but again, it stems back to that sensation of cleanliness.

For the future: washing my hair isn't in the plan.

Please let me know if you have any questions, suggestions or comments!

How a Girl Loves Her Daddy

2014-03-08T07:16:00.000-05:00

Two days ago, I started the Writer's Digest 12 Day Plan of Simple Writing Exercises to get me inspired to write more and challenge myself to write things I normally don't write. Day one is simple and asks you to create a list of 10 titles to books or articles you would like to write in the future. That I did, and have no moved on to day number two.
Day number two says: Create a character with personality traits of someone you love, but with the physical characteristics of someone you don't care for.
After much thought and realization that there aren't many people I don't care for (which makes it a little difficult), I decided to go with someone who I don't actually know but who has become, over the past 7 months, someone who has affected me in a strange and not-so-great way. This person need not be named or described.

However, I immediately knew the person of who I wanted to base the personality traits: my daddy.

I first want to mention that throughout my life, my parents have been two of the most supportive and influential people in my life. They have been my backbone, my biggest fans, my coaches, my friends and most importantly, the ones to tell me "how it is." They did a great job raising me, understanding my need for space, dealing with my strong personality and being there for me when I needed them most. They are the ones who push me to be a better person, to explore the world and find who I am, to educate myself and grow from all that I learn; and they are the ones who encourage me to be the best I can be, even if that means changing my mind a thousand times before I find my niche. On the second hand, I cannot shy from saying that my Aunt Faye (my god mother) is also one of those amazing people in my life who has done exactly the same. These three people appreciate me for all that I am and will ever be and I can say that I have some of the best family a girl could ever ask for.
As I was thinking about whose personality I would base a character off, I knew I wanted to choose between these three important people in my life. If I had to use the physical characteristics of someone I didn't like, I damn well better make this person have be best personality traits they could have. And that's why I chose my daddy.

Parents are always right. Plain and simple. They've been through it all, or at least 'most of it.' They know how it used to be, how it is and how it's probably going to be. They are the all-seeing and the all-deserving. The things that you once took for granted are the things you appreciate the most, now. The things that didn't matter then, turn to be one of the most important things in your life. We grow up, we mature and we realize: our parents were right!
I used to take my parents and family for granted, thinking that they would always be there, that I would always be able to talk to them, they would always have my back and they would always be around to antagonize me. Well my mom still wins the award for that last one (laughs); but as I've grown up and matured, I realize those first two won't and aren't always around anymore. Now living abroad for the second time in my life, I am able to reflect on the things that I once overlooked - how amazing my family is. My family will always have my back, that is certain, but as time goes on, the years start passing by quicker and quicker, the mind starts settling on things that aren't certain and you long to appreciate those more and more.

My Daddy:

I've never met a man who is as humble as my daddy. It's rare to find anyone in this world today who offers the amazing personality trait of being humble, but to have one in my life is the most precious gem a girl could ask for. He is the kind of person you know you can count on, who will be there for you on your best of days, but will be there even more on your worst. He is the kind of person that loves with his whole heart and would give the shirt off his back to the ones he cares most about. He is a man of many trades and works with his hands to build things, but works with his heart to build relationships. He's one of the most loyal and caring people I know, giving his time and energy to helps those in his life. He's the best listener, offering advice only when asked; has a good head on his shoulders and a warm soul. He's not afraid to tell you if he feels like you're taking advantage of him or pushing the limit, but has such a soft side that makes your heart melt when you see him hurting or sad. He wants nothing more than your safety and to know that you're doing okay and his hugs are the best things in the world. He's patient and kind and doesn't need much to live a happy life. He's silly and goofy and makes you laugh, because even when his jokes aren't that funny, he tries anyway and his quirky smile makes you giggle! I know his hardships through life have shaped him into the person he is today, the great dad is has been throughout my entire life and the strong heart he gives to the ones he loves. I know I haven't mentioned any of his flaws, but when you have a person like my daddy whose personality shines so bright to the people around him, you can't help but smile and be thankful that you are blessed to have someone like that in your life. And I know I don't know everything about my dad... but the one thing I do know is that I long to be more like him.

The Hardest Part is Letting Go

2014-02-19T04:31:00.000-05:00

It's hard to let go of the past, the struggle, the pain, the hardship, the regrests, the idea of who you're supposed to be, the idea of who 'they' want you to be - to simply settle on the idea of who you are and who you want and need to be for yourself. The biggest problem is when you don't know exactly what that is. Being lost in a world where society is telling you to do one thing, when you know that it's not what you should be doing.

We're built to believe that we can do anything; we have the power to change the world; we can make a difference - all of which is true, if you believe it yourself. But society is contradictory, telling us these things, and then when we get to the age that life is supposed to start making sense and we still have no clue what we're doing, society blames us for not making sense of it all. Life Never Makes Sense. In my short-lived life, I've come to realize what those four simple words mean - or have I?

I am completely lost in life. It's as simple as that. I have no idea what's going to happen next. I have no idea what I want to do next. My life seems to be at the lowest it's ever felt, but then again, maybe it's at its highest. There's something exciting about "uncertainty." Uncertainty - the word describing my life in detail at this moment. I have absolutely no money. Everything seems to be falling apart. I'm currently living in another country, wanting to stay, but in a rough place with deciding how to do that, thinking about prospects all over the world, wanting to find something that's going to allow me to travel, constantly keep me on my toes, hardly sit down at a desk for more than a couple of days (or hours) at a time and that allows me to use my abilities to their best - is damn hard to find! If only life were simple - but then it wouldn't be life.

Are lights guiding me home? I doubt that, I don't feel attached to "home" at all anymore. My world feels completely inside out, where I can establish "home" anywhere. Home is where the heart is, right? And if you have no idea where you're heart is?

Why is the hardest part letting go? Why can't we let go of life and the weight of the world and "Just Have Fun?" Having always tried to follow the mantra of "just have fun" and "live life to the fullest," I feel the universe weighing down on me, eating at my soul, working against me, forcing me to fall into the norms of society. If I could escape to a far away place where like minded people lived, away from the corrupt world that is ruled by capitalism and greed, I would pack my bag, grab Oeli and go. *(This place would preferably have a beautiful beach, along with mountains where I could snowboard)*

If only such a place existed, where I could leave all of the "worldly" chaos and pressure.

It's hard to let go of the ideas planted in my mind of who I should be, who people expect me to be and even who I want to be. It's hard to let go of the constant thoughts corrupting my mind on "what's next," "the future," "my purpose in life." It's hard to let go of the fact that I'm so incredibly lost, knowing I should just let things be and come as they come and "just have fun" in the meantime. Easier said than done. I'm still so young, yet I feel so old. The burdens of life weighing me down. But no matter how heavy they may be, I will keep walking (to where, I don't know), and I will grow stronger and my load will become lighter.

These are some amazing rules to live by. Now,
let me practice what I preach.

Finding Me.... (Lukasz & Fabi's Wedding, New Year's 2014, Poland, Snowboarding)

2014-01-14T07:44:00.000-05:00

WARNING!!! This might be a long one ;)

As many of you know, the last three months of my life have been one of the toughest I've ever experienced. I've gone through an array of emotions, trying to find worthiness again and feeling that life had it out for me, to feeling like I could handle all that I was going through and back and forth again.
I cannot express the gratitude I have for all of the people who have been there to listen, send positive words of encouragement and who helped remind me of who I am. I've realized as I get older that the most important people in your life will be there for you in your good and your bad times; and even those who you never expected to lend a helping hand or give an ear to listen can make such the difference.
It's been a struggle, to say the least, to find me again; but I think I'm finally getting my "spark" back!

As the new year rolled in, I decided to let my problems, sorrows, hardships, worries and everything else that brought me down in 2013, to stay in 2013. I promised myself that I would occupy myself and my time with positive people, positive things and positive thoughts - and it's incredible how amazing I've felt since.

I have to admit, when I missed my train to Paris, which ultimately made me miss my flight to Poland, I was discouraged beyond belief. I thought that was it - that was the end - that was the epic ending to my shitty 2013. But instead, I had friends from all over the world who came to my rescue! They wouldn't let my 2013 end that way, but instead give me something amazing to look forward to in 2014. The bride and groom were looking up buses, flights, trains, etc. for me, just so I could make it to their wedding. Friends in the same city were running around to help me make everything on time, and other friends were searching for any other way for me to make it to Poland. I have to admit - I have some of the most amazing friends ever!
After catching a bus to Milan, Italy, finding an amazing bus driver who gave me a lift an hour away to the airport, sleeping overnight in the airport, getting f'ed over by the airline with extra charges, finally catching the flight, a shuttle and two trains, I made it to Shiraz, Poland (the location of Lukasz & Fabi's Wedding (C'est la vie)) where I had an incredible time celebrating the marriage of two of the most AMAZING people in this world. I can't even describe the inner beauty in these two people. They have so much life and so much love for themselves, other people and the world. I long to appreciate life the way they do.
I cannot thank them enough for who they are, for showing me that life shouldn't be taken for granted and forcing me to be myself again. In the short amount of time we were together in Poland, they helped me find my spirit and love for life again. Being around so many international people, world travelers and those with the same type of spirit as me, opened my eyes and reminded me that I'm not the only one and that there are so many people out there that have the same mentality as I do. I'm not alone and I never will be.

A huge congratulations to the these two amazing people: Lukasz and Fabiola - I wish you a life filled with happiness :)

Furthermore, I spent my New Years 2014 in the an amazing city of Krakow, Poland, with awesome people! What more could I have asked for - it was, by far, one of the best things that could have happened to me. Celebrating New Years Eve in the town square with thousands of other people, dancing the night away and spending time with old and new friends. Not to mention the rest of our stay in Krakow was a blast as well!

One of my less disturbing pictures of Auschwitz - an original
train that brought hundreds of thousands of people to be
slaughtered in the camp. The gates in the far background.

To sum it up... I also went to Auschwitz (the Nazi concentration camps) and it was one of the most educational and heartbreaking things I've ever seen. I am still in shock to think that people are so cruel and can be so completely brainwashed into thinking that massacring people is okay. Not to mention thinking about the many times throughout history that this has happened, where people have been lessened as human beings and the fact that it still occurs in many places around the world today makes me cringe - I want to rid all evil from this world.

Bref: Since being back from Poland, I've let myself be happy again, extremely and amazingly happy again. Snowboarding has been an incredible release and being around people with similar positive outlooks on life has brought my positivism and optimism to the max once again; and I feel that nothing can bring me down and I won't let anything bring me down.
Finally letting myself accept that everything happens for a reason has been one of the most important things I could have done for myself and letting go of "what could have, should have or would have been" has been my biggest success. Life moves faster than I'd like, time goes by and it's hard to hang on, but one thing I know is that, "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." So I'm going to do it as "right" as I can!

P.S. Got to see this awesome girl who I haven't seen in 3 1/2 years!!! :)

Live for Love - I'm a hopeless romantic

2013-12-23T03:58:00.001-05:00

I don't know what it is about Love. I'm a hopeless romantic. An idealist. I live for love - and let me clarify - I live not only for love in a romantic way, but love that grows from the soul that shines through to give to the world. Love is rooted in our hearts. It's what drives us. Love for ourselves. Love for others. Love for the world.
This morning I watched two very special videos about Love. Although these two stem from romantic love, they made me cry happy tears. I pray that one day I will fill someone's life with such love like this.

One day I hope I meet someone who would do this for me:
The Best Proposal - Ever.
It's a little long, but worth every second of it - I definitely cried my eyes out.

This is what LOVE truly is:
Love in its deepest form
Ode to love.

Thank you my friends!

2013-12-22T05:26:00.004-05:00

I want to say thank you so much to everyone who responded to my last blog post. I had some amazing responses, thoughtful and deep insights, kind words, inspirational and motivational reflections, and of course, those who helped lift me up. I have never felt so understood, lost, inspired, empty, appreciated and blessed all at the same time. Every one of you who took the time to read and/or respond in any way, whether it was to answer the questions I asked or to give me some good advice, I appreciate every one of you.

I would like to say, after three long months of heartbreak and heartache, truly difficult times coming back to France, lots of personal struggles, feeling less than worthy and trying to figure it all out, I have finally been able to accept that IT IS WHAT IT IS.
Although, I still struggle on a daily basis where thoughts consume my mind, the heartache creeps back in, I reflect on "what could have, should have or would have been," I fight for a smile, I search for answers, etc... I can now say that I have started to let go of the things holding me down. I am no longer in constant grief, I find myself smiling more and more each day, I am trying to Rule #32: Enjoy the Little Things, and I am mostly just accepting once more that life comes at you in all directions and no matter which way you take, it's always going to lead you to where you're supposed to be - (although I knew this, it's easier to say than do). I want to thank all of you again for helping push me in the right direction - this direction - toward acceptance and happiness.

Yesterday was the first time I was able to go snowboarding. As you read in a previous post, snowboarding is my escape (my escape from life, reality, my own thoughts, the world). There is nothing like soaring fast down an off-piste trail or through trees in fresh powder, feeling almost as if I'm flying. It was a beautiful, sunny day in the Alps; fresh snow had fallen the previous day, adding the ambiance of winter. Snow coated the trees, the silence rang in the air, apart from the birds singing their sweet, favorite songs. I was lost in happiness for the first time in a long time. Being there with friends, sharing stories and lots of laughs made it such an enjoyable day. Pictures or words cannot describe the feeling or beauty.

7 Laux - Grenoble, France (December 21, 2013)

To finish off an already fulfilling day, I spent the evening with my German and Russian friends (who are both assistants here in France), drinking wine, eating Schnitzel and sharing many more laughs! No better way to end the day. I was also in a food coma from the delicious German food.

The only thing that is still lingering on my mind is the thought of not being with my family and loved ones for the holidays. I miss them, but I will make the best out of Christmas here in Grenoble with friends and then enjoy an exciting trip to Poland! I also just went through so many photos from the past 1-2 years. It's amazing how things can change in the blink of an eye. Cherish what you have while you have it and hold on to the memories that you've made.

Thanks again everyone for giving me encouragement and hope!

Rule #32: Enjoy the little things

2013-12-16T04:14:00.001-05:00

If any of you have ever seen Zombieland, it's one of my favorites. I needed to get my mind off things yesterday and what better way than to watch a movie about zombies that actually relates to lessons in life.

Rule #32: Enjoy the little things.

This was the last and probably most important rule he made on his list for survival in the zombie apocalyptic world. We all too easily forget to "enjoy the little things" in life. We're so focused on the massive things that seem to control our lives, when really those are probably the least important.

As you can tell, I'm a complete contradiction of emotions right now; one day happy, the next day beat down. But that's life. This morning, I woke up quite early, my thoughts keeping me from sleeping any longer. I laid in bed for about an hour, thinking about life and then all the things I needed to do today, and telling myself it was too early to get up on a day I didn't have to work. Finally after much effort and a little push from my pup who needed to go for a walk, I got out of bed, put on my running gear and told myself that I'm going to start the day clearing my mind.
After about 30 minutes, Oeli wasn't having it any longer, stopped in the middle of the path and waited for me to turn around to take him in. I complied because he looked at me with those "oh-so-cute" eyes of his and a cocked head, summoning me closer to see his cuteness.

How could you not love this adorable face!?

As I got closer, he turned around and started running in the direction of our apartment and so I followed. I followed all the way until he stopped near this old man with two canes walking down the sidewalk. The old man smiled at me, pointed at Oeli with the most sincere eyes and we began a conversation. The sincerity in his words made me hope that I, too, can make someone's day by a simple smile. Rule #32: enjoy the little things. We bid farewell and I walked all the way home with a smile on my face.

Life throws us curve balls, people hurt us, people love us, we can find joy in the big and little things, we can hate life sometimes; but most importantly, we have to believe in ourselves. That is one thing I am struggling with right now, believing in me. It seems when the world pushes us down so far, it's difficult to find the positive within you. We just have to keep holding on, give our problems to God and let life take its course.

Poem: Reweave the Soul

2013-12-11T03:21:00.000-05:00

This is a poem I wrote back at the end of October and I thought I would finally share it. It captivates many of the emotions I've been feeling over the past couple of months. It is titled: Reweave the Soul

Reweave the Soul by Kristi Hall

I'm broken, shattered
Into a million different pieces
Trying to find ways to mend my soul
I'm torn between two worlds of love
Trying to make my heart feel whole

The pain wrenching and tearing and shredding me apart
I can't find my way back home
I'd give anything to have my two worlds collide
In a harmony that tends to my soul

And I've lost myself and love and happiness along the way
I try to redo what I've undone
Is what I lost really lost and forever gone
Or can I remend what I've begun?

I'd take the world at my hands and give it all away
To change the past and choices made
For everything I come to find, I had found where it was laid -
My heart rests waiting and longing for clarity of oppression caused by me.

ALTHOUGH some of these feelings and emotions have minimized, they still linger in my mind and heart and I long for the day that I feel only happiness again.

"Live, because 'Life Goes On'."

2013-12-08T07:26:00.002-05:00

After my last blog post (which I have to admit, I didn't think many people would read - I forgot it posts automatically to Facebook) I received some amazing and very kind words from many people. Not only has it helped me see that people do actually care what goes on in someone else's life, but it has really inspired me to look deeper into my life and appreciate myself for who I am. That although I may be in a rough place right now in life (which we all go through at one point or another), the phrase, "life goes on" is something that I have to remember on a daily basis. That I have a lot to offer the world and one day I will find someone who appreciates me for everything I am, with my flaws and all of my traits (positive and negative). That I should never change who I am and when I find the person that matches me best, they will love me for all that I am and want to do in my life, and they will fight for that love no matter the circumstance. My selfish acts will no longer be considered selfish because selfish means, "concerned primarily with one's own interests," but instead those interests will be mutual; and as long as I'm always willing to compromise but never give up my dreams, happiness will flow through me. I also have to remember that I am able to find happiness within myself and that is the primary goal.
Although it is still hard to accept this, still being in love with someone who is no longer in love with me, I am trying to take life day by day and not let it control me or my happiness.
Even in all of the negative situations I've got myself into this time, I have to remember that I still have many things to be thankful for and that life is a roller coaster and I need to enjoy the ride (through the fun, exciting, heart-wrenching and scary parts).

As Christmas gets closer, the days get shorter and the nights get longer and my heart longs more and more to be home with my family and the ones I love. Celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas here with friends has been a great pleasure and brought joy into my life again, but there is nothing like the comfort of having those you love around you for the holiday's. My one Christmas wish would be to go home for Christmas. Unfortunately, airline prices make that nearly impossible on my budget and I will spend Christmas here in Grenoble with my pup before heading off to Poland for a wedding and then New Years 2014.

It's amazing to think how so much changes over the years... how fast the years start to go by as I get older. My mom always told me they would, but we never believe our parents until it happens and we find out they were actually right!

Fun Fact: I made my first homemade carrot cake and it is DELICIOUS!
Thought of the day: It's really too bad teleportation hasn't been invented yet.
Cannot wait for: My first day on the mountain snowboarding!

Staying positive and seeking happiness, day by day.

I never thought I'd be the girl who'd change...

2013-11-25T10:11:00.000-05:00

I decided to write my first blog post since I arrived back in Grenoble. I'm still trying to decided how to write this, so I'll just go off my feelings.

I search everyday for the reason I decided to come back here. Maybe it was the idealistic thought of being back in France, or the desire to perfect my french; maybe it was my need to find a cure to a missing piece of my soul that I thought I would somehow find by coming here. As the days go on and get harder, I continue to search for the answer to this very question: why?

I have felt that through the good and the bad times in my life, there was always a light at the end of the tunnel. I could see it in the far distance. I could see that there was a glow that drove me closer and closer to overcoming whatever I was facing. Since being back in Grenoble, I have never felt that my life has been torn into so many pieces as it does now. My time here as been hard; harder than I ever expected. It has torn me apart emotionally and has dampened my enthusiasm for life. I went from loving my life and everything around me, to trying to make it day by day. As I'm fairly good at hiding a lot of my emotions and feelings, from an outside view you probably wouldn't notice how desperate I am to find happiness in my life again. With all the small things adding up, I've found it difficult to appreciate the other things that I should be thankful for. I find it difficult to look in the mirror and see the woman I know I am inside.

Sometimes we make decisions in life that we think are what we want or right for us at the time, that turn out to be the one thing that completely breaks us in two.

As depressing as this post is, it's essential to truly understand what I'm feeling if you want to know why I'm writing this way: Kristi, "the world traveler," the girl who is driven to live her life to the fullest and make the world her playground has fallen off the monkey bars of the world and wants to ground herself to love and commitment. That being said, I have lost the man I love because of my decision to journey back to France and I don't know how to fight for him anymore. I've expressed every emotion I feel for him in hopes that he will fight with me and fight for me. I would come home tomorrow if he wanted to live his life with me again. I would give him my everything.

We all make mistakes - mine was leaving in search of something I already had, happiness.

Aside from the emotional destruction in my life, my decision to come here has been a hard financial burden. I was thinking of opportunity instead of practicality and that, my friends, isn't always the best way to think. As much as I want to reflect that this is actually an opportunity, the practical and reasonable side of my mind is asking that same question: why? If only I could have seen where I would be now before I made my decision (both emotionally and financially), I would have listened to the reasonable side of myself. "They" say that everything happens for a reason. I am here for a reason, even though I may not know what it is yet, I am here. My "Kristi's Tree of Life" philosophy tells me that it was me who made this choice, and maybe it was for some reason I don't know quite yet, but I can never go back to the last branch; and now everything has changed and will forever be changed.

I don't know how to apologize to the one I love for making this mistake. I don't know anymore how to find happiness in something or somewhere that no longer makes me happy. I don't know how to live anymore as the girl I once knew. As much as I try to force myself to think in a positive light, to uplift myself and enjoy my time while I'm here and "see what happens in life" when I get back, I am having a hard time doing that. I want to come home and I want to be reunited with the man I love.

I know that there are things I can no longer control. I can't control the emotions or feelings of another person. I can't control how someone thinks or the actions they take. I can't control life. All I can do is pray... pray for happiness. I never thought I would be this girl who changes her heart and way of life, but we all change sometimes and I think the most important thing in life is love and love is what I want to feel; love is what I want to give.

The Last Full Day

2013-02-25T07:14:00.001-05:00

As my time in Bhubaneswar comes to an end, I can't help but thinking how happy and excited I am to explore and visit other parts of India, then ultimately, Kathmandu, Nepal. To say the least, this experience as been different than any other time traveling and today was the first day that I really saw Bhubaneswar in a different light. Our presentations and projects are finished, we have no more field work (yet I still find myself doing analysis) and we are leaving tomorrow for Delhi. Today, as I walked about, much like I actually lived in the city, there was something different about it. I could walk around knowing that I didn't have to analyze it, but I could take it in and enjoy it for all it was worth. Running into someone I had met a couple of weeks ago in an auto, it made me think that people live their lives here, and I was just a pawn in this 7 week long chess game.
Things I will miss:
1. Gupchup (pronounced Goopcoop) - it's a snack food - these little potato filled balls dipped in a spiced water -yummmm!
2. The people with whom I've become friends

3. Accessibility and knowing where everything is
4. Jacky - the puppy I made friends with just behind the hotel
... yeah that's about it.
Things I won't miss:
1. The honking (which will be everywhere, unfortunately)
2. The stares (I'm sure I'll get those other places too)
3. The picture harassment (it only bothers me when I'm trying to have quiet time) The photo below is actually of a guard that was protecting us from people wanting to take pictures with us - haha!
4. The lack of excitement (Hopefully there will be more of that to come in the next month!)
5. I am sure there are many other things too

To keep it short, sweet and to the point: I really want some "American" food (beef, breakfast foods, sandwiches, etc.), things that I can't find here. Although I am studying to be an urban planner, I am realizing more and more that I am falling back to my roots - I am liking the city less and the rural area more. Those people live a more simplistic (yet rigorous) life and I would much rather have that than the constantly fast paced, non-stop moving sort of lifestyle.

Yesterday, I got to experience this in passing on the way to the city, Konark (where rests the Sun Temple - sculpted with the entire Karma Sutra along its walls) and Puri (a vibrant beach city on the coast).
It was a great day, filled with sightseeing, the beach (swimming in the Bay of Bengal again!), and a great dinner with the CapAsia group at one of the CET student's house.

Please look at the small circles in the wheel. This shows the queen's daily life:

1. (starting at what we would see as 1pm) -Waking up

2. Getting dressed

3. Riding her horse

4. Make-up meditation

5. Oral

6-8. Sex

Sounds/Looks like a pretty good day - I'm sure most would agree.

I'm glad I can finally add some photos! It's amazing to see how much more exciting life and my blog is when I am actually doing things! Cheers to the next month of doing things!

Footie Pajamas

2013-02-20T08:24:00.001-05:00

There is a faint scent of BBQ lingering in the air, reminding me of summer days at home - pork chops on the grill, hanging out with friends and a cold beer in my hand. But I'm brought back to reality when I look down at the street from a birds eye view. Standing on the top of the roof of our hotel with the sun beaming down on me like it would on a beautiful beach day, I realize I am not at home and only the Indian sun could feel this way in February.
There is an auto-rickshaw strike today and tomorrow. On a regular day, the auto's seem to be the transportation lifeline of the city; but today, more people seem to be walking and the noise pollution is excessively lower than usual. I watch as people drive down the street on their motorcycles and scooters, cars passing every once in a while. Today, I could probably cross the street without feeling my life is on the line or being honked at 20x's to get out of the way. It's a daily struggle to cope with the movement of life in this city and I can only imagine what other city's must be like in India. Although Bhubaneswar seems to be a great city with massive potential, I could never imagine myself living here or even staying longer than what I have now. For me, there is something missing. I have no desire to want to explore this "temple city" to its max - inside-out. Although I love the culture of the area and riding around in an auto watching people's daily lives as I pass by, this city misses "heart."
When asking other where I should visit in the city, most reply with shrugs, saying "any temple, but have you gone to Puri or Konark yet?" And to be frank, all of the temples here seem relatively the same. If I've seen one, I've seen most of them in one way or another. But more importantly, I find that when I ask that question, most point to visit somewhere outside of the city. Thinking back to all of my CouchSurfing experiences and even more personally, when people visit me in Richmond, the first thing I say isn't, "you should go to D.C. or Charlottesville." I love Richmond and I want to show people all it has to offer. Maybe the temples are all Bhubaneswar really has to offer, all they are proud of? Everyday, I can see the impact religion has on their society and culture, and most follow this practice, where the temples are their prize. But there has to be something more that maybe I would have found if I roamed the streets alone; but what I've seen has mostly been in a group or with one or two other people - and that can alter your perceptions.
I relate this back to the time I spent in Grenoble, during my study abroad. I was again in a new place and completely surrounded by a different culture, yet still I found something about the city that had "heart;" just the same as I do with Richmond. There was something different in Grenoble; maybe the fact that I could establish myself there, where here I am in this "in-between" stage of a long-staying traveler just waiting until I move onto my next destination. All the same - I am ready to experience more than what I am now, and I only have a couple more days to go.
Reading into the astrology of my Sagittarian sign, I am in essence a traveler. That is who I am and what I do. I get anxious when I get to the point that I am complacent and have no freedom to move. I feel constrained and it becomes almost like a toxin. Although, this is astrologically accurate, it is also accurate within myself. Interestingly enough, in terms of love and life, a Sagittarian doesn't enjoy traveling unless it is with the one they love (if there is one they love) because being with that lover, is fulfillment in itself. On my second journey around the world, I have found this to be true. There is nothing more I want than to have my love with me, right now. As quoted from the book, Astrology in Love & Romance, "You find an outlet, you find light when you find someone to love. Frankly, love is your salvation. Without it, travel for instance, is no pleasure, it is a quest, a search --- or a mere chore. With it, travel becomes a wondrous journey."
Because of this desperate need to escape my "escape," a journey home seems ideal, all the same. In hindsight, I wonder why I came on this trip in the first place. It has proven to be impacting in some ways, and I should be thankful for that.
I came here with the chance that I might find the thing I was looking for, and as I was riding down Jan Path (one of the busiest roads in Bhubaneswar), unmistakably I noticed a sign that was meant for me to see, saying, "Life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change." There is a possibility that everything I had left to search for, I had already found; but I was too blind to see. Doesn't it always work that way? But then again, this could prove to be exactly what I needed all along. Only time will tell.