The road not taken.....

Children of Heaven

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 16:33:00 +0000

For me, movies and books are like friends. Some give you company only when you are happy (like that blockbuster I saw last night). Some are trust worthy- and lift your spirits even in a bad day with a thrilling page or a striking dialogue. But then, there are best friends—who go beyond. They touch you in ways you never thought of. Every read and every watch is a new experience. Best friends don’t do gimmicks. They let you be—in all your bare simplicity.

Majid Majidi’s “Children of Heaven” is (one of) my best friends. It is a simple and a very charming Iranian movie which is also incidentally Iran’s first nominee for Best Foreign Language film at the Oscars (not that that bit matters). Children of Heaven tells the story of two siblings, Ali and Zahra and the lives around them. And of course- a lost shoe. I wouldn’t want to give up the plot more than that. Simply because, this movie is like that favourite short story you read in your teens. You probably will figure out what’s going on with the story line well before the first half ends. The spirit of this movie lies in the way the story is told.

Children of Heaven makes me want to reclaim my childhood. Every single expression and dialogue from Ali or Zahra or even their classmates is a warm breeze of nostalgia. My wonder at the charisma and genius of these child actors never cease. Their expressions almost make us feel like we are watching real life unfold in front of us.The politics and evil of rivalry in children is wonderfully captured in the climax race.

The movie is so rich in its details and the aggregate effect of it is incredible. A simple look of Zahra’s yearning at her classmates shoes, Ali’s bumping at the wall when he waits for his sister, the water fountain time between the siblings—every single moment is simple, yet so wonderfully meticulous in its flow and execution.

Like I said earlier, you might easily guess the climax. If you are the kind who gets disappointed at that- this movie is not for you. The beauty of this movie is in the experience of watching it knowing something good will happen at the end and yet endure the silent ache which tugs at your heartstrings. Children of Heaven does what any best friends would do. It teaches you a life lesson every time you turn to them. Some may say it’s a children’s movie- but y’all- Big things comes in small packages.

If you have not watched it yet-experience it. If not for anything-watch it for the simplicity and honesty. It’s a beautiful and intricately woven simple tale with minimal verbiage. Some say that’s the secret of powerful cinema.

Note: This post is an entry to the Reel-Life Bloggers contest organized by wogma.com and reviewgang.com

(Not that I have any hope I would win--but I hope this post will inspire atleast one of you to watch the movie)

Is your neighbour gay???

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 16:49:00 +0000

Two months back, I met a a guy in a class where I was the teaching assistant. He came as a guest speaker by special invitation from the professor. He was quiet, extremely well behaved and a very efficient speaker. He was barely 27- my age.

So what was it that he talked about which made this otherwise simple guy so interesting?
He talked about how he was threatened to be stoned to death in the country he was born and raised and educated. And how his mentor was lynched a month back and how he had to run away and seek political asylum in a strange country where he has no friends or family.
All because- he is GAY!!

I couldnt sleep for days!. Stoned to death? Really? In 2011?? Well, things happen and I forgot about the kind young guy who was almost killed for his sexual orientation.

Until yesterday- when my Brazillian landlord asked me about the flippant remark of the health minister of the worlds largest democracy. Ghulam Nabi Azad apparently thinks homosexuality is a disease and is unnatural. But I cannot judge him- because me too thought so a long time back.

The religion I believe in taught me homosexuality is a sin. Like any good church going girl, I blindly believed it. For that matter, nobody bothered to even let us know what homosexuality is. It was a sin. Period.

Even when my brain developed enough to question other such blind beliefs, I did not dare to venture to understand the mystery shrouding this particular topic. Partly the reason was I did not know any gay/lesbian/bisexual person then. Through the teachings of the church and the cultural upbringing I had made me believe they are some kind of monsters like murderers, rapists or child molesters. The other part reason was a story from the Bible- the story of Sodom and Gomorrhah.If the Bible gives a story of how it destroyed two cities because of homosexuality-it must be a sin. That was my half baked thought and rationale.
But if you need to rationalize too much about something, something is wrong somewhere.

I realized that quickly- when I had my first gay friend. He was not the media celebrated fashion stereotype gay. He was an extremely good hearted, passionate and kind human being. Someone who cared deeply about the injustice in the society and tried in his own little ways to make a difference. My, stubborn religiosity thought he is an exception. But I kept on meeting and making new friends whose only difference between me and them were their sexual orientation. Most of them were good people. (I wont harp on the farcical ones-because they exist everywhere-in every race, color, creed, gender and even in sexual orientation).Most of them did a lot of good compared to the 'straight' 'sinless' people.

My sanity will not let them be labelled 'sinners' anymore. I didnt have to find any reasons. But if I had to- I realized if I followed the Bible blindly- I would have to wear a head gear, should not talk amongst men, cannot eat a lot of things I eat and will be probably stoned to death myself for countless other sins. Who am I to judge?
And the famous Sodom and Gomorrha story- suddenly it made sense; in the right way. The story talks about an entire city full of men knocking at Lot's door demanding to have his male guests. Lot offers his daughters; but they decline it and continue demanding the men. Everyone assumes homosexuality is the sin here. But what if the roles are reversed- what if the guests were female and the whole city of men was demanding them? Wont it be still a sin?? Ofcourse yes. Im no Bible pundit. But my humble view is that the sin in Sodom and Gomorrha in that particular instance would have been gang rape.
Not that now I need a Biblical reference to quench my conscience.

Because I believe in a religious philosophy- which teaches to Love thy neighbour as thou love yourself.
And if my neighbour is gay?--- my conscience never fails to give me the right answer.

Brain freeze OR Word Freeze??

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 15:22:00 +0000

I have a serious affliction.
I get these grand ideas to write when Im away from the computer; but the moment I sit down to write, no words come.

Sometimes I have all the time in the world to write and I still dont- simply because I like being incredibly lazy at times;
But there are days when I really want to blog or jot down something- those days I will inevitably be swamped with academic writing.

I usually dont edit anything I write in this blog. It comes straight out of the draft window. I was told thats not good blogging practice (apparently there are rules here too) and certainly not good writing practice. I was trying to improve my English writing skills one of those days (more about it later) and decided Im not going to post anything here unless and until I edit it properly. And the next thing I know- I havent blogged for the next three months. So, I guess that worked out well!.

They say- good environments help to write. If thats true- I should be able to write a best seller now. Im in an exotic country living near the beach in a apartment with a beachview (sort of). Well, even though the writing freeze still continues, Im able to take some good pictures atleast.

Do you experience this block??
If yes, what did you do to get over it? If no, what did you do to not get it? Share please!.

So whats the point of this post? Well- nothing! Atleast it got me to write.

Before it becomes a totally random post- I want to share this poem which was published in the summer edition of Urban Confustions. I promise- the other entries are much better.;).

Urban Confustions is a literary effort from a group of urban women who is trying to redefine boundaries.

Urban Confustions is a group of woman writers who are dedicated to bringing out realities, from the chaotic urban agglomerations of the world where they grew up, inhabit and work in. Women who have things to say, and say it best within art, stories, poetry and non-fiction.

Go here if you want to know more and order a copy or even if you want to be a part of it

Its all relative, my friend!

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 20:37:00 +0000

A friend whom I was close to during my growing up years broke up with me a few weeks back.

Sure, we have not been as close as we used to be in the recent years.Sure, I didn't have to cling onto some emotional baggage and burden of expectations of somebody else. But no matter what I say- it stung!.

As dramatic as it sounds, I went through the five stages of grief
I kept denying the finality of it because we have fought and broken up for so many times in the last 15 years; I have lost count of it.
I was angry at this person for rejecting my friendship, and thereby through some twisted logic me.
I kept bargaining with my inner self to cow down and seek a second chance. (Note the word is seek and not give)
I dabbled with some level of depression also amplified by the physical and psychological workload of being in a demanding graduate course.
Finally, and most sensibly I resigned to the inevitability of it- I have lost this person as a friend.

So pedestrian- whats the big deal in losing a friend??

Well, here is the big deal. If you are anything like me- You will have a large set of friends--from your childhood to your social media connections. You might not be in constant touch with them, yet you could pick up always from where you left last. You love them, you cherish them and you respect them. In a way, you see yourself through your friends!. You can also be a shoulder to cry on to anyone because you are good at it and you keep secrets. All the more reason, you have a lot of friends.Yet, you have a very handful of the bestest of friends- the sacred close circle- which you very rarely open up with closely guarded perimeters. You dont necessarily tell them everything; you feel vulnerable when you pour out your deepest wishes and darkest desires- so you dont tell them-- yet they sense your needs and dilemmas. They are always there when you need them the most and will always stand by you no matter what.
So, while I am proud of the fact that I have a large group of friends whom I can possibly depend on with my life (I seriously count that as a blessing); I'm equally ashamed of the fact that I have very few friends whom I can truly open up to. But thats no fault of the friends I have; its purely a design malfunction of mine.

And thats precisely why I couldn't let go. I had opened up to this person and they knew me at my vulnerable worst and glorious best. But that was a decade back.

Now, our world views changed. Our ideologies differ. There is nothing in common between us and there seems to be hardly anything which we could agree on. Yet, I was willing to try. Till my friend stopped trying.

Apparently, I was not the same person anymore and not good enough to sustain a lasting friendship ( meaning my friend preferred the 15 year old me to the current me).

Its all relative, my friend. I have grown up to be a gorgeous, intelligent and proud woman with an even more beautiful soul.
If you dont want to know this me, you never wanted to know me at all.
If you dont want to befriend this me, you were never my friend at all.
If you cannot accept this me with all her strengths and weaknesses, you never have stood by the old me.
If you want to change this me to old me just for your happiness, you dont deserve to have me as your friend!.

Friendship dont come with conditions. I hope you understand that someday!!

A Very Belated New year post

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 17:42:00 +0000

In dire times, passions take a back seat. The things ( and people most of the times) you love the most are gracious enough to wait till you are ready. Till you are out of the rabbit hole. This blog had been my faithful companion- during my lows and highs. It stood by me in times of trial and jumped with me in times of joy. (Yes! I consider 'it' to be a person, just like I consider books to be 'a' person or 'multiple' people). Yet, I had to temporarily abandon it. Despite my tardiness and sloppiness, the blog held onto me.

Sometimes making me read what I wrote years ago and reassuring me.
Sometimes through its kind readers dropping in a comment/email to check in on my sanity.
Sometimes coercing me to scribble something and store in the draft box for catharsis.
Even when I was disloyal, the blog remained faithful.
So its time to give back the loyalty and what better occassion than reviving some old traditions-- Resolution time.

This blog had seen many resolutions . Some were broken, some were not. Regardless of its action status- it was always a good exercise for the tired brain and the overworked mind. A time to set the stop watch again.

So this year, I just have two very simple resolutions---

1. Let go

As Zen as it may seem, that was the biggest lesson I learnt last year. Things might not go the way you planned- but it can work for the better. I still have my dreams and aspirations; but Im not terribly disappointed if life doesnt take me the route I wanted to go. When you fall, you will learn to rise up- and thats all that matters. And when you let go, magic happens.

2. Be a child

This one might be a little tough. But yet, I believe its worth the battle. I just want to dream without abandon; be free of jealousy and fear; have the courage to seek the unknown; and mostly to believe we can still make the world a better place. When you are a child, nothing seems impossible.

So there is mine! What are your resolutions???

Happy New year to you all!

Aisha- Movie Review

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 22:44:00 +0000

Was the great anticipation for Bollywoods 'the chick flick' all worth it?

I love chick flicks, like any normal girl. They lift my depressed spirits and transport me into my very own thrill zone. (The kind of thrill guys get from their action flicks). Nobody really cares about the story of a chick flick as long as there is enough gloss,guys, pretty dresses and a happy ending. Aisha has all of it, and to boot a great story, apparently borrowed from the great classic of Jane Austen, Emma.
But what could have been a much adored screen delight just falls flat in its face, and you end up remembering only how fabulous the haute couture was and how handsome Abhay Deol looked.

So what exactly went wrong? I guess we will have to turn to Jane Austen for the answer. Before she began the novel, Austen wrote, "I am going to take a heroine whom no-one but myself will much like." I guess it turned out a false prediction for the Emma in the book; but Sonam Kapoor playing Emma/Aisha will leave noone loving her.

If only, she could have embraced the character with the poise and elan it deserved, Aisha would have been more than just a cosmetic mouse trap. And sadly, everyone else playing their parts almost to perfection makes you hate her even more. Amrita Puri as Shefali is the most refreshing actress you will see in recent times; she is like a whiff of fresh air in the otherwise melodramatic world of Aisha. Cyrus Sahukar, Ira Dubey and Lisa Haydon runs a close race for the best supporting cast a chick flick can ever get. I hope we get to see them in more movies. There is nothing to be said about the role of Abhay Deol, because he doesnt have much to do- except look all adorable and preach at the right times.( And that, anyone else could also have done).

This movie belongs to its designers. The clothes, shoes and the sets are unbelievable. But then, Im told by Delhiites, yuppie kids do dress and live like that. A lot of those upscale blogs make much more sense to me now; and thats the only pittance I got out of Aisha.

It was just a nice bouquet of good dresses; I could have just bought a fashion magazine to have that kind of pleasure

Read this and for more --- Go to Review Gang

Kerala Chronicles Part I -- Fighting corruption begins at home!

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 22:02:00 +0000

For those who wonder why it took so long-I was preparing myself for this post. Balancing between a thin line of wanting to write it and keeping it forever buried as a cherished memory was a tough act to decide on.

I had gone home for almost 2 months-- I went for my parents 'graduation' and was busy being proud of them in their big day. On March 31st, 2010-- both my parents graduated with top honors from being civil servants of three decades to the genre of wise retirees. And I was more than proud on their big day. I was' jumping on the chair--whistling- and clapping with all my might' proud.

Some friends of ours joked, it was newspaper worthy news--those human interest items, couple stepping onto retirement life on the same day after more than 30 years of government service. (Though, dont ever make the mistake of asking my mom why she retired on the same day as my dad, who is supposedly 2 years older than her. Thats a story for another day). It may not be a striking news item, but it was definitely a striking moment for me. From as far as I could remember, I have seen them walking to their offices, coming back together for lunches, except for maybe the last working year of my dad when he was posted in a far off location. And it was no surprise, when many of our neighbors came to know about the retirement when the periodic joint walks of the 'loving couple' (term used was love birds) ceased.

Me and my brother have had very close experiences with government offices. We literally spent a lot of our childhoods roaming around in and out of both my dads and moms offices--for the lack of better baby sitting mechanisms back then. And Im pretty sure, thats the only crime which both my parents have done against their code of conduct in employment. And next, is the part where I answer a question which, maybe hundreds of people (including my husband) have asked me before.

8 out of 10 times, I have faced this question/statement/remark/concern/smirk/sarcasm-- when I have told someone that my parents worked in government service. "Oh.You must be rich, they must be getting a lot of black money as bribes" or the more direct " How much kimbalam (bribe) do they get?" or a very subtle laugh combined with "Hmms.." intonated with the wildest accusations.

And thats one of the most important reasons I am freakingly proud of them today. My parents, never in their three decades of government service accepted bribes in cash or kind, nor condoned bribery. Not because they didnt get the opportunity, but because they chose not to. Both of them were in strategic departments which if they willed, could have turned into a money churning wheel. But thankfully, not even once did they fall prey to temptations of time, money and power, even in times of despair and difficulty.We have had trying times, extremely difficult times. But none of that tempted them to take bribes.
Maybe, I didnt really know the significance of it at an earlier age. But today, when I run a family and is coming in terms with the cruel and difficult ways of life, I know what immense courage and moral strength it took them to be so.

Most of us, including me has seen how bribes and corruption work in government offices. We are sick and tired of it, but nobody seems to be able to do anything about it. I always wondered why it was so. The so called people who took bribes, were normal people like you and me. Or like my parents. I also realized while we lament, on the failure of our systems, we still wont mind giving a little under the table to get our jobs done faster. Yes, I agree- the problem is much much larger in scale and proportion. But doesnt the change start from us?. You will ask, why Im saying this. Because I have seen first hand, how people can tempt a government servant to the utmost to get their job done. I have had people coming to our house, thrusting big packets in mine and my brothers little hands to persuade my dad or mom to do a little favour.It was ridiculous to the point that, our parents used to lock us inside our home if they went out for something, so that people wont leave tainted stuff in our hands. When, there is so much temptation around, how can you solely blame someone for taking the fall?

My parents still live in a beautiful, yet very minimal one storeyed house after earning for 32 years. They didnt have a car till recently, which they bought with their retirement earnings. They havent enjoyed a lot of material possessions, which I so easily take for granted now.They could have easily had more, if they wanted. If they bent a little of their conscience to accept little extra tainted bucks. Even when they had a lot of peers and colleagues indulging in luxuries afforded by bribe money, they didnt fall prey to the easy bait.

And if thats not something to be proud about, I dont know what will be.

And to top all that, they have been gracious and kind enough to let both their children follow their dreams. Its not an everyday thing, that a small town girl from Kerala is let to go outside to big, bad cities like Bangalore and Bombay to pursue something other than medicine or engineering. They spent their hard earned money on indulging their childrens whims and fancies. They stood by them when the whole world laughed at them.All this while, keeping their integrity and not taking even one paisa illegally.

I have asked my parents, so many times whether they were ever tempted to take a bribe and why they never took some. My dad just gives a stoic shrug, as if Im crazy for even asking it. But what stuck with me, is what my mom said- " No matter how much you make 'like that', you will lose it. And you will suffer, or worse, your children will". That pretty much sums it up neatly, doesnt it?

I would never dare to say my parents are perfect. They are not. But they are heroes in my eyes. And judging by the love and kind of farewells, they received from their colleagues, I guess they are that for a lot of other people too.

I have never said this to them-- I am proud and thankful to be your daughter.
And you will be my heroes always-
For teaching me the value of integrity and moral courage.
For showing that you can sail through even in murky waters.
Love you.

And wishing you both, the happiest retirement life. You earned it.

Review-Raavan-Raavanan

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 19:55:00 +0000

It was one of those times I was thankful that I could comprehend two of the languages in which fine cinema is made. And yes, I was 'lucky' enough to catch both the vesions of the movie. So whats my verdict??

Raavan-Raavanan is not a movie- its a world*, an Utopian mirage which is closest to the Avatar' esque fancy world Indian cinema has ever seen. The visual bonanza coupled with breathtaking locales, stunning cinematography and directorial brilliance. When we came back seeing 'Avatar', we didnt quite think back about the storyline or the merit of the plot,instead we revelled at the sheer magnanimity of it all. If you are willing to give the same leeway for an Indian movie- Raavan is going to be an absolute treat for your senses.

Technical brilliance would be a moniker for this movie- every frame of it is a piece of art. The spectacular cinematography is overwhelming (in a good way of course) and art direction will take your breath away. A 360 degree boat crash scene, reel after reel of dramatic landscapes in all its stunning glory, a dynamite finale fight on a suspension bridge -- these are things you expect out of a Hollywood movie, and one of the very few times Bollywood tackled anything on this scale. And for this alone, the movie is worth a shot.

I shudder to think of the possibilities and dimension a different cast (based out of acting talent rather than star value) could have brought to this film. But I must say, its not as bad as I thought it would be. For many of us who have trekked and traipsed through a forest or similar terrain would know how demanding and wearsome it can be. And the cast and crew had done a lot more beyond the usual trek and tour. Hats off for just that physical effort!. Their hardwork is evident.
Vikram is definitely far ahead than his fellow cast, in both the roles. He embraces the role with grace and panache and goes beyond what he was told to do. He is Ram and Raavan at their best. Aiswarya Rai looks perfect for the part--her pale exiquisiteness against the dark emerald backdrop calls for brilliant visuals. Though she acts as if she is in advanced classes of theatre training. She tries to excel as much as she could under the gifted director (who is one of the few who could make her act) and I will have to say its one of her finest performances till date. Abhishek Bachchan does, what is probably the best he could muster. Its not acting genius, but its not bad either. But compared to Vikram's Raavanan, he is just a novice who got his lucky break. Raavan is his 'could-have-been' character, but now I guess he will just have to wait for his next big one. (He was doomed the day he decided to play the larger than life character which will 'also' be played by someone else who could set the bar really high).But the quiet show stealers of the day are Govinda, Ravikishen in Hindi and Karthik and Priyamani in Tamil. They sizzle the screen with a barely concealed spontaneity and elan. They bring life to the screen in an otherwise gloomy and dark 'atmosphere'.

And no movie is bigger than its vices-- and especially an overhyped one as this one. And for some, those were the unpardonable sin the director and his crew committed. But for a few like me, it reminds there could never be perfect cinema- you always aspire for the best in the next. Raavan is a slow paced movie so much so that people who dont enjoy the movie are in danger of falling asleep or walking out. But if you did love it from the first frame, then there is hope-- you will comprehend why it was so difficult for the Director to fast track it. Come on, you have those gorgeous locales, a hypnotic cast and a team of the best cinema-technocrats--Can you blame Mani for giving an overdose of everything? Raavan could have been much better if the scriptwriters paid a little more attention in detailing the intricacies of its central characters. What we get is a diluted version of what could have been the strongest characters ever penned in Indian movie history. However, if you could see above all those transgressions, Raavan-Raavanan is a potery in motion.

Do you love picture post cards? Do you believe in mythical worlds and dream of fogotten lands and sublime landscapes? If the answer is an emphatic yes, this movie is for you. For others, you will either love it or hate it and that will be apparent after the first five frames- and you have the choice of walking out.
Its like personality types-- Either you are a Raavan personality or not, as simple as that!.

* Only after I wrote that, I read somewhere the Director himself depicts it so.

Reviewgang posted this review here

Here I come, God's own country

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 21:03:00 +0000

I am screaming- "These bloody damn pollens" the thousandth time in my mind, because I cant shout or scream my frustration away. No, not because I am the polite neighbour. Because my throat is invaded by some kind of scratching army who is finishing off the conquest of destroying everything good about my nasopharyngeal (dont even know whether such a thing exists!!) systems.

And now that Im lying down dumbed with antihistamines and Nyquil, it hits me- I am going home.

Looking at the clutter of shopping bags and assorted mess of the spring cleaning, I finally realize why am I excited. This is the longest I have been away from home. Even though I was out of home since I was 18, this is the longest duration of 'awayness' I ever had. And despite all my claims of not being able to live in Kerala never ever, I realize- I do miss that place.

So many people have asked me what is so special about Kerala and why is it called God's own country. I have never been able to give them a satisfactory answer. Infact I had given them negative answers to demystify the aura. I have told them how people are nosy and hypocritical, how there is full literacy and yet a total loss of understanding personal space and freedom, how we are seemingly forward and practically backward aeons in time. And for people with more time, I indulged into the workings of the ever eluding Kerala Paradox.

But no matter , what I say or do- I cannot, but only secretly be proud of where I hail from. Because given a second chance, I wouldnt have rather been born anywhere else in the world (Okay, maybe Greece or Egypt- but thats only if Im permitted the civilizations as well.;)).

I miss the never ending green canopy of trees and the air which I swear has a special fragrance.

I miss all the tastes and senses which I can only indulge in there.

I miss the calm and serenity.I miss watching rain from my verandha sipping a hot cup of chai.

I miss the dust,dirt and the rustic.

I miss the feeling of total bliss when Im in my terrace staring at stars in a clear sky.

I miss the oblivion when I am there.

I cannot wait to see my parents, and be proud of them in their big day.

I cannot wait to hug my brother and trouble him endlessly like old days.

I cannot wait to welcome my inlaws back home from their 35 years of exile.

I cannot wait to sit and chat with my two sets of grandparents.I cannnot wait to hold my niece and listen to her sing.

If being away, means making me realize all this- maybe, its worth staying away!!

And now I understand completely, "The greatest journeys are the ones that bring you home."

Review- Athithi Tum Kab Jaoge

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 07:51:00 +0000

Any movie which starts with cartoons should be enjoyed with your brains locked behind, turning on your goofiness genes. (Remember Hum Tum??). Athithi Tum Kab Jaoge is a straight-forward, simple situational comedy which literally makes a mountain out of a molehill to stay true its title. It makes your heart warm, but fails to make a laughing riot.

There is nothing incredulous about it because all of us at some point in our lives have been there-either as the unwanted pesky guest or the exasperated gracious hosts. And for that reason alone, the movie survives!. It flows well in the first half blending wit and flippancy in the right measure. From intermission, you start wondering too- Athithi Tum Kab Jaoge? and is exhausted with the antics of the unwanted guest.

Paresh Rawal rightfully overshadows his co-actors and takes the movie to a different level. Ajay Devgan does just what he is meant to be and Konkana-well, I never thought I would ever say this-but she disappoints. She lacks her usual charisma and doesnt sizzle the screen as she always does. Anybody else could also have done the character the way she did. Script is lengthy and patchy, but works just fine.

My biggest grouse with the movie is it tries to weigh you down with a message. Rule for slapstick comedies should be- no preachy messages. (Remember, we locked our brains in before we came to the theatre). But thankfully, when I thought the climax will kill itself with its overbearing evangelization, the movie came back with an obvious but deliciously funny twist.

Worth a watch if you are looking for a relaxed evening with a bonus of guffaws.

Outtakes*

Unbelievable amount of farts-Lost count after a while. If you get bored, counting helps!

When Chacha talks to Kaaliya in the movie sets, watch out for the gori item girl doing her gig-Thats way funnier than the actual scene.

Review- Karthik Calling Karthik

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 07:39:00 +0000

First impression when the movie started rolling was- Farhan Akhtar looks a lot like a watered down version of Jack Shepherd from Lost. And he resembles him in more ways than one. They both are a curious package of winner and loser combined into one. And the movie is also just that. It wins some and lose some.

Karthik calling Karthik is a strange mix of blatant reality and incredulous eccentricity. It manages to balance both for the most part, but fails towards the latter half. The movie in itself is slow and makes you wonder where its leading- Some might fall asleep with that and some will be on the edge of your multiplex chair-your choice.

It possibly could have been a welcome change from the all perfect heroes who usually don the Bollywood screen. But apparently, these days the scarred and scared heroes rule the market. Yet, Farhan Akhtar steals the show with his easy portrayal of the protagonist with a charming disguise.He ace the part of the wounded hero -making us ache for the damaged goods. He is a treat to watch and definitely should do more films. Deepika totally fits the ice queen office doll (who is also smart) part, but I wonder whether she can ever get out of that mould.(Another Aiswarya Rai in the making, I suppose).

There are some brilliant strokes in the movie- like the lone tear hidden beneath the boring glasses of Karthik leaving the office when he gets fire, before and afters of the makeover of the man and his home, a Rubiks cube which encompasses all things mundane yet amazingly powerful.(Farhan learnt to solve the cube, says Wikipedia.Wow) The writer has been obviously reading Kafka.

The screenplay gets increasingly chunky towards its second half. When the only two people in the movie theatre (perks of going for an Indian movie in a US theatre on a Friday) guesses the climax, it could only mean one thing- Either we are exceptionally smart or the climax is passe which any ardent Sydney Sheldon fan could easily spot. But mistake not, I do have the creeps every time a telephone rings at home.

I wouldnt call it a love story nor a thriller. It hangs in a fine line between the two.But its definitely worth a watch. After all, the movies motives are sincere and its heart is in the right place.

And if not anything, you should watch it for Farhan Akhtar. Uff teri Ada!

************************************************************************

Some 3 years back, in a movie theatre in Mumbai there were just 6 people watching a movie- 2 mushy couple and 2 unsuspecting strangers. The strangers were commonly bound by the irritation of having to see the couples coochie cooing in broad daylight err, dimmed lights in the theater.
By intermission, the strangers were sharing popcorn and chit chatting. She was passing time before catching a flight and me- I was a movie reviewer- my brain works quick.

And Review Gang makes that dream come true. Check it out guys.

The best antidepressants-Kids..err maybe kids jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 02:24:00 +0000

For those who dont know already, I have taken up Patience as a virtue and giving up Sloth as the deadly sin which would possibly ensure the best seat in hell during Lent.

So we go to Church on Ash Wednesday for the official start of Lent. For the uninitiated, this is what lent means - Wikipedia on Lent

We went for a childrens mass because its less painful and was in the evening. (Apparently, the rest of the adults in the parish thought the same too).

Anyways, the priest asks the kids what they are going to give up for lent-

Top 3 answers, not in any specific order

1. Water

2. Vegetables

3. School

Why dont they appoint kids as shrinks?

P.S. There is a whole e how article on how to keep your kids innocent. Here is the step by step process

Love Everyday..Still

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 02:19:00 +0000

Do You Love Me?

( Rumi)

A lover asked his beloved,
Do you love yourself more
than you love me?

The beloved replied,
I have died to myself
and I live for you.

I’ve disappeared from myself
and my attributes.
I am present only for you.

I have forgotten all my learning,
but from knowing you
I have become a scholar.

I have lost all my strength,
but from your power
I am able.

If I love myself
I love you.
If I love you
I love myself.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For the guy who was mad enough to marry me- You are stuck forever nutcase!

Happy Valentines Day & World Marriage Day!!

I write when I dont know what to say..

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 18:35:00 +0000

The last time when I was in a 'crisis' like now, I was ashamed and scared. I didnt tell anyone and on the process hurt a lot of people and cost myself a lot of grief. Some things ought to be said. And since I am phobic of talking I am writing it. Like one of my favourite friends say, 'What is not written, is lost".

Its not so long ago that I wrote this and thought the worst is over. And it was not so long ago I picked up the pieces of the then broken life and fixed it together to go chase my dreams.

I thought I had survived the absolute worst-the Apocalypse.

I thought that was the test and I passed in flying colors.

I thought I can live up to my resolutions with poise.

But apparently not.

It started small, so small that you hardly notice. Life is funny that way. Its little minions wait out to catch you unaware.

We knew law school was a huge investment. But we thought we had it under control. But what we didnt know was its hidden costs. The balance sheet began to show more liabilities than existing or possible assets. And being in the wrong place at the wrong time made sure that we cant even borrow money from anything.anyone. And to top it all, there were emotional costs.

It was like learning the alphabets all over again. Like the two decades of my ('best') education was worth zilch. And I was not comfortable with that. Though I loved what I was learning I was not egoistic enough to think that Im the best. Not because I couldnt be.

Because deep down somewhere something was nagging me.
Because I knew Im learning it for the wrong reasons.
Because something which makes you depressed almost every day is not good for you even if you like doing it- like drugs, like pornography.
And mostly, it was not easy learning the law of a land which is not your home.

At some other time, I would have been ashamed to say it out aloud. But not now!

I didnt think I was mature enough or knowledgeable enough to learn the law of a land I barely knew. And Law is the one subject which requires an intimate understanding of not just the current socio-economic-cultural situation of where it originates from. And I felt handicapped in it. I had to work double hard to be at par of my classmates. On the process, I lost out on other things.

I lost sleep
We lived as strangers in the same house seeing each other just on weekends.
I became the monster I never knew which was within me.

So I decided to take a break.
Not just because we couldnt find enough money.
Not because I didnt have good grades. (Despite all that, I did have above than average grades. Not the best though-which is unlikely of me).
And at the risk of being called unstable, impulsive and carefree-I took the decision.
Because I realized my heart was not in it anymore.

And surprisingly it was not a hard decision, infact it was one of the easiest decisions I ever took.

But make no mistake, it was difficult to actually see it happen.

I did stay true to my resolutions though. I was happy and at peace. And chanted "All izzz well" and busily went on making other plans.

That is till yesterday when my husbands call woke me up in the morning. (FYI- He never wakes me up if Im sleeping-Yeah, he is one of those gems of a guy).

While I knew it was something important, I didnt remotely think it would be what he would say it is. My cluttered brain thought of people back home and wondered whether everything is fine. What I least knew was, we were the two people who wouldnt be fine at the end of that call.

I was sitting up when I talked to him. The words became meaningless syllables after I heard the dreadful 'lay-off' and 'let go'.

I stopped breathing. The words kept flowing-"Budgetary constraints" and some other words kept rushing back to my brain "State job"-- "stable"--"easily another 4 years" and struck how they were a bunch of lies-which was just an illusion.

And then I started breathing again while a wave of nausea hit me. Finally letting in all of it to sink and realizing the person on the other side of the phone needed me to be strong. And I said, in a frantic whisper, " Its OK. Its going to be OK."

I sat there numb for an hour. How? Why? Now what? There were questions and no answers. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t talk.

How could this happen? Not again. Not now. Oh. God . Please.Make it go away. Make it a bad dream which Im going to wake up now into in cold sweat. And as childish as it sounds, I pinched myself.

And it was real. Real as it can ever get. Knocking the wind off your lungs and beat out your gut real.

I closed my eyes and I saw.How it was and how it would be. How the best laden plans have gone astray again.

And I prayed, " I dont know whether there is a God, but if you are around- please give me the strength". And then, I laid down and slept.
Yes, I slept.

And when I woke up I was fine. Yes, I was frustrated, angry and helpless. But I was fine. Heck, I even thought my biography (when it finally gets published) would be very colorful. I was amused to think that I was the favourite student of the puppet master- Life.

Then I told people. People who are going through things worser than this. People who matter. And people who know will stand by us, no matter what.

And then I got tired of telling. Talking about it, I noticed drains my energy. And Im sure drains their energy too. So my dear friends, I wrote this so that you all know our situation. Because you matter to me and we need your support.

But that also means we are fine, and you can talk normally to me. I get that its extremely awkward to talk about it and offer condolences. Seriously, I get that. And I shall beg for pep talks when its needed. Till then, like my status messages, follow me on twitter and comment on my blog.;). Thats all I ask of you.

Because I know, this too shall pass.

Though Im freaking tired of this uncertainty, I know for sure and now I can almost have a Phd doing a thesis on - This too shall pass.

Its just the end of the first month of the year and already we have been through the most. Thats why they say never get drunk on new years!

A totally cool mom of a totally cool friend posted this as her facebook status ( I know, how cool can a mom get. Im totally jealous of you KD)

If an egg is broken from outside force- a Life ends. If it breaks from inside force a Life begins.Great things always begin within us.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

P.S. I have not quit law school, I have taken a leave of absence and plans to pursue it when Im a little more wise and has other plans which hopefully will work out.

Dandelion

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 03:22:00 +0000

I fly-like a dandelion
Letting the wind play with me
Not knowing the flower I land in
Gliding strange lands
Not knowing that Im breaking
To make more of me.

Note: 20 days from the beginning of this year, I stand at a totally different place.Best laid plans gone astray again. Almost feeling as if a good part of the year had gone awry in just 3 weeks. Scared but excited and at peace.
Knowing whatever comes ahead cannot break me-
And hoping it would 'make' me
Convinced thats all that matters now.

Cheers, recap and resolution time!!

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 18:44:00 +0000

This is my annual blog ritual which I change time to time. I see it as me growing up in words and wisdom.
When I started blogging in 2005 , this is how I saw my year as and set my resolution for the next this way. 2006 was sunshine and rain for me and 2007 was the first year where I took some 'concrete' actionable resolutions.
2008 rebelliously went away without resolutions giving me the most pertinent lessons in life which I would never ever forget. And when I face struggles seemingly unsurmountable, I will be chanting 'This too shall pass'. 2009 snuck up with remainders of 2008 and gave some thought gems to treasure.

So this time Im going to welcome 2010 a little differently than always. A potent mixture of thoughts, resolutions and deeds.
~ 'Live' life and celebrate each moment.
This means I need to shed my veil of complacence. Discipline myself enough to enjoy the simple joys of life. So here is 3 deeds for the coming year

1. Have a routine- like waking up a certain time, having breakfast and exercising. (And break it occassionally to know its value).

2. Stop overplanning and have just enough planning- Reduce the number of my organizers and to do lists.

3. Prepare to run a marathon.;)

~ How can you have a beautiful ending without making beautiful mistakes.
Scared of committing mistakes is the biggest injustice one can do to oneself. Just because you're scared, you dont push your limits and you never know what could have been. 3 deeds for the mistakes which will teach me

1. Stop wondering about what people will think. Ultimately none of that matters. Only what I think of myself will.

2. Give my bestest shot. That way I got nothing to regret at all.

3. Take wild chances and risks. If not anything, my balance sheet would be colorful.

~Do or do not. There is no try.

That was the favourite quote of a drug addict client of mine. He used to drop a pen and ask to 'try' to pick up the pen from the floor. You can either pick it up or not pick it up. There is no trying to pick up a pen. Needless to say he recovered. He didnt try, he just did.

So heres 3 which I would 'do' and not try to do this year

1. Start learning another language

2. Start learning a musical instrument

3. Write more often

And most of all-- 'Rise above the little things'.

Cheers everyone. Have a fruitilicious newyear!!!

About a little something called 'Avatar'

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 06:07:00 +0000

The last time I wrote about movies was here and here. Despite the fact that Im a total movie buff and goes to almost all of them, I am content with a Mayank Shekher review or my friends ratings to decide whether a movie fits my taste or not. But once in a while, some movies come- which sweeps you off your feet and put you in the delusion of being someone else or magically transported to some fairy land. Now, AVATAR does both.

There have been countless reviews and opinions and criticisms and praises overflowing over this extravagant cinema experience. Experts have written this and this and friends have written this.
I am not going to write on how big or small a cinema it is or "review" it. If thats what you were expecting, sorry to disappoint you. But this is my take on how a movie can effect you so much so that despite the bad seats (fourth row from the front towards the left for a 3D movie) and dismayingly late start (We practically missed the first good part of 10 minutes), how it makes you dream and wonder about things that never were..Now thats what I call inspiring cinema!.

Coolest points of avatar

-- The obvious-special effects and graphics. Much more than the technological aspects of it, I loved the detailing of it. If any of you have been to a forest, you would know how diverse and colorful and awesome it is. They couldnt have done any better job of detailing the flora fauna of the imaginary tree home and its habitat. I would see the movie again just to see that microscopic detailing.

-- I love it when the aliens/the other people look better than humans.We have this complex of making the other people look horrible so we can score points atleast in the looks front if not anything else. And bonus points for not making them green.

-- Besides the special effects and everything which gift wraps the movie into an awesome christmas gift to the movie connoiseur, I totally dig the subtle nudges of bringing in an anti-invasion anti-war anti-supremacy edge into it. For people who could never understand why urbanising villages is not so good an idea-maybe this film will be development studies 101.

--And the parallel synchronizations of the human and Pandora world. They put in cable wires, Na'vi s linked their hairs .I quite didnt understand why they needed long hairs when I saw the promos, but now I feel it would have been a total miss if they didnt put it in the movie.What an idea sirjeee.

Now when I sing praises, I ought to be cynical as well

-- Its no epic movie. Its an experience worth having.

-- Never understood why an outsider always make a better leader in movies than an insider. For me, that one link destroys the subliminal messages the movie was trying to link in. (As if humans are always better)

-- And I wish they asked a child to write the story- The most he/she would have missed is the new earth movement and the scary chants and the hideous love making-Rest assured, Im sure a child would have dreamt better.

But then, go see it people!!!

Saying Thanks is a therapy

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 21:07:00 +0000

I am virtually in the eye of a storm with a ton to read and study. And it does not seem to end at all. Infact it acts up like a reverse 'Akshayapaathra' and is gobbling up every spare second of my time.
I am not in the best of moods or in physical shape. I get migraines almost everyday with the ceaseless reading and have to sacrifice almost all of my weekends and holidays. And to worsen the injury, somebody else also has to undergo the consequences- my poor hubby. I hardly make breakfast, make an excuse of a dinner, and most of the household duties are tipped heavily on his platter now and to top it I am many a times like a sniper in warfield at home. Yeah, thats precisely what law school is doing to me. But thats not the point here. The point is I am not free even during thanksgiving, where I had planned some odd months back to have 'that' trip and have fun. The point is Im feeling thankless about a lot of things and is glaring back with green eyes to the ones who say they are thankful.

But then, I remember my last thanksgiving- Unsure, scared and hopeless. And even better, I was thankful for a lot of things back then when I was going through possibly the most difficult phase of my life.

So this thanksgiving, keeping all the bad moods aside-All the herculean tasks forgotten for a moment, I am thankful!!

- For the fact that I am busy when I could have been just rotting away doing nothing.
- For a great husband who do me HUGE favours and never act like he is doing me one
- For the choices and freedom I constantly remember I have
- For a decent life with just enough dose of adventure and fun

-For the little things in life
-For the times I am living in, where home is just a phone call away
-For internet and the countless friends from the web

And finally, for law school for challenging my brain power to its zenith. I hate ya, but I am a masochist.;)

Happy Thanksgiving people!!!

What would I tell (or have told) my 15 year old self....now??

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 02:13:00 +0000

Hitting quarter life crisis and counting, I am not sure whether I fare better or worse in terms of 'life'. But I seem to be a whole lot happier and wiser than 10 years before.

And the one who tagged me- Surya- is someone whom I knew then and now and I keep loving and adoring her all the more the more I know her. And strongly feel the species of women would be better off if there were more women like her
So here I go, What would I tell my 15 year old self if I was in some twisted time warp.

1. If you feel different than everyone else, thats probably because you are indeed different.Thats no crime and stop making excuses for yourself.

2. The mean things which you cried over would be a silly joke which will be quickly forgotten in a decade. And you would meet meaner people and will have meaner and vile things said and done to you. Chin up and smile.

3. The best friends you have now will be the ones whom you will turn to when you need someone the most. They might never understand you-but they will always be there.

4. Nobody is perfect,not even you.Forgive and forget.The Karma always gets back to you.

5. Your looks would be totally different 10 years down the line. So will be your thoughts, dreams and your outlook towards life and living.

6. You will see and learn things beyond your comprehension. So stop planning and worrying over the future. Life can never be planned.

7. Friends are friends. Regardless how gay,drugged,drunk or wicked they are. They bear with you, so you have to return the favour.

8. Save some of the childhood innocence tucked deep down. It will help you sharpen your charm sometime in life.

9. Accept failures. Your wins are not worthy without them.(And I ought to share this link-courtesy Cherian)

10. Eat, pray and love- The rest will work out fine.

If you could time travel back ten years, what are the 10 things that you would tell your younger self? And if you were reading this, you are tagged.

Yeh Taara Woh Taara...

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 17:09:00 +0000

If you are living abroad, and if you are hopelessly in love with India-There is no single day which passes by without remembering....
But there are days when you almost wish you could just run back leaving everything. Especially when you watch songs like these. Its a crime to make them.
And I think thats every expats dilemma. (Especially first generation ones like me).So this is for you, my home land....Just to remind myself how much I miss everything about that place I call home.
The silver twirl of raindrops in my verandha, the dizzying smell of the earth, the wind which diffuses the aromas, the dust and the dirt, hot cup of chai and lots of love....
****************************************************************************

This might sound like the classic Western story about India and its poor downtrodden.But its not!!!

Almost one and a half hours away in train from Mumbai, there is a small picturesque village called Raya. You take a train, take a rikshaw from the train junction where mostly 7 to 8 people is bundled into one ( and I always get to sit with the driver) and walk another 1.5 kms you will end up in the heart of the village- And for the first few days it can even make you feel suspiciously like Alice in Wonderland.

There were three of us (all girls) and it was part of our course requirement to work for a year (350 credit hours) in the village. So two days of the week, we board the train from our busy urbane life and get transported to a story book village. Make no mistake, its not so romantic as you think. Three girls travelling with men in a rikshaw, talking to elders, doing things which they never even think of doing even in their wildest dreams- It doesnt exactly make you the icons in the eyes of villagers.Quite contrary you are just eye-candy. Someone whom you can stare at unashamedly and openly wonder and question about.Somebody who is not restricted within the strict village hierarchies.

I think we under estimate Indian villages. The structure and tiers set out there can challenge even CIA I guess. Raya was not any different than the normal Maharashtrian village. There was the Marathi community (from whom the Sarpanch and most of the village council was formed), the Muslim community, a strong Dalit community who kept photos of Buddha and Ambedkar at their homes. The Dalits were not viewed in so much favor, but the few families in Raya where financially stable and that gave them voice. And then ofcourse, the tribals who lived far far off from the main village and had to migrate according to seasons.

And there are boundaries, not written or deeded.But invisible ones which are even more strong. It was given that the Marathi children wouldnt go to the Muslim households or vice versa. The women were not allowed to step towards the Dalit fields let alone go to tribal land from the Marathi or Muslim communities. And we three were there trying to bring unity in diversity/method in madness/rhyme in chaos- or whatever you choose to call it ( Or simply for good grades).

Since we were totally alien and from 'Mumbai', we were allowed at all homes. Didnt somebody say that Indian psyche subserves to all things foreign?? Infact, everyone competed to get us in their house and make us have a cup of chai. If you havent been to a traditional village in any part of India, thats an experience unto itself which you should never miss.Maybe, about that some other time...
The girls would touch our clothes, make us talk about life in Mumbai, a place so close by yet most of them would probably would never set foot in there. Boys are curious about movie stars and whether we have seen any. Elders would try to impress us by narrating stories of their village and life in general. Further the time we spent, the questions get more personal. They simply assumed we were from Bombay. But when we tell them where we come from (Kerala, Jharkand and Uttaranchal), they are amused that our parents sent their girl children so far away to study let alone roam around like this. They have not heard of our home lands and want to know whether life is the same in those parts of the world.For them, those are as far as America or London is. Infact they know about those places better.

So we have tasks set to be completed in one year.Each one of us get to do something productive for the village. One of us is in charge of the Marathi school, me for the Urdu school and the other one ( who was our senior and hence) has the most difficult part of setting up a tribal school.The educational system in there merits a totally different post and I have talked a little bit about it before.

Each school is fiercely exclusive. Urdu school students dont usually mingle with Marathi school children even though they are just metres apart. I have to impart special education for the Urdu school children. If you dont know me before, my spoken Hindi is a tad too simplistic and devoid of all possible grammar sense. So you can imagine me teaching Urdu school students. Well, lets say-all things considered-We managed. They taught me Urdu and I taught them Malayalam and some more trivial things like health and hygeine, national integration and so on. I hardly doubted whether some difference was being made.

Towards, the end of our field work, we needed to come up with something for the annual function. With broken Hindi, and a bunch of over active kids --- its kind of impossible to put up something. But well we finally managed to do something.

Thanks to my kindergarten action song experience. I taught them this song- Complete with actions.

And the meaning of the beautiful lyrics (Not so perfect when its literal translation to English -translated by Palacerani)

This star, that star, every star;

whichever one you see looks lovely.

This star, that star, every star

when all these gather together in the night,

the whole sky shimmers.

Shimmering stars, two stars, nine stars, a hundred stars!

They glitter as one, but each is a separate spark.

If you have seen a rainbow,

then tell me how many colors there are in it?

There are seven colors to speak of,

but they're so closely associated;

just think,

if these colors all dwelt separately,

how would a rainbow ever form?

Likewise, if we couldn't manage to unite

to fight injustice,

then our people would not be a nation.

So don't ask why we are so weak and defeated!

Stars, stars;

this star, that star....

Individual drops, by joining together, make a river.

Every drop makes the sea; otherwise what is a sea?

Understand this puzzle: a drop existing on its own,

just as a drop, isn't anything.

Were we to forsake others and turn away from everyone,

then we would end up feeling incredibly lonely.

Why don't we join together and become a current?

star star

this star, that star.....

The farmer who ploughs the land

brings forth gold from the earth.

The cowherd who tends to the cattle

is rewarded with a river of milk.

The blacksmith who shapes the iron,

every tool of his shines!

The potter who shapes the clay --

for him, the clay becomes a pot.

All these are faces of labor,

a desire to do something.

No one has enmity with anyone else;

all have the same dreams,

all are the same.

No one is a stranger to another.

This is a simple matter; understand, my friend.

And the best part was that year, the Marathi and Urdu schools had their annual function together!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Despite all that hard work, we didnt get good grades for our work-but we were happy and still remember those days with a full heart. I guess in a way it reflects the state of real professionals who slog unnamed, unheralded in the villages. They might not be getting recognition, money or fame.But I am sure they sleep with a happy heart.

Confessions of a runaway psychologist Part II

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 06:50:00 +0000

Weeks back I wrote this in my Malayalam blog. It was about this poetess who committed suicide at a ripe young age leaving a toddler son behind. And many of us were so deeply disturbed that we discussed about it for days. And apparently, according to post death features in magazines, she suffered from chronic depression. And I realized I have to write this. Hence here it is.

*************************************************************************************

There are a lot of classifications of clinical depression and it manifests in many different avatars.Its as diverse as humans are. Wiki gives this definition,

Major depressive disorder (also known as clinical depression, major depression, unipolar depression, or unipolar disorder) is a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.

I am sure all of us have experienced that atleast once a week. Well, if you havent- either you are a maniac or not human.

There are a zillion definitions and if you go through the medical symptoms, you will end up wondering whether you do have chronic depression or not on a continued basis. Well, thats an occupational hazard of psychology.The more you learn about each disorder or condition, the more you wonder whether you have that illness or not. For 5 years of my student life(studying psychology), I was convinced Im a potential/existent chronic mental patient.

But apart from all the definitions, I like the tag line of an ad which I have been seeing recently.Its of an anti depressant medication- It says, Depression Hurts!
Simple and straight forward.Yet it covers everything that depression is.

Some people say that depression feels like a black curtain of despair coming down over their lives. Many people feel like they have no energy and can't concentrate. Others feel irritable all the time for no apparent reason. The symptoms vary from person to person, but if you feel "down" for more than two weeks, and these feelings are interfering with your daily life, you may be clinically depressed. (via Depression.com)

In my brief career as a counselor, the majority of the cases I had to deal with involved some form of depression. The dangerous truth is depression sometimes can be just the beginning of a whirlwind which can take you down mentally. Many of the major disorders have depression as one of its symptoms. Most people with depression never seek help, even though the majority will respond to treatment,which can be just plain good counseling. But its not something we are used to from the culture where we belong to. Now, Im not saying pop up anti depressants and mood swingers everytime you feel low. But it is high time to see how small moods off are spinning dangerous webs around many of ours and our friends lives, especially women.

How many Indian women will be familiar with what she has wrote here. And how many will have the courage to write this on a public space.
We, Indians, especially women are hugely private people when it comes to our feelings. We can talk about anything under the sun, but we stammer and stutter when its about feelings and emotions. We cry silently, but we dont want to share our private tears with anyone. And in the so called independent generation, this strange phenomena is just multiplying in geometric progression.

Now all of that might sound technical and boring.But thats the truth.

I have slogged in suicide helplines. Took calls from friends saying they have cut their veins. Seen brilliant people committing suicides. Counselled women who were like an imploding atom bomb.

And after a point of time, it was pulling me down. I was getting frustrated and depressed. And couldnt take it anymore.

After all, I realized. Most of them were not in need of a counselor.....But were in need of a friend.

And I decided to be just that.

Read this and this also

P.S. Chronic depression needs to be treated. And just talking to friends might not help. And the views expressed here are personal experiences and reflections of me as an ex counselor

Words still dont count..:)

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 16:44:00 +0000

I cant believe it has been one year since I wrote this .

We have been through hell and back.

We have had our share of lil joys and sorrows

We have had small tiffs and big fights

Yet we managed to laugh and hold each other together

And today, we know if we could have survived all that, we can endure any storm.

If I can look back and smile at all of it, its only because of ONE person...

Happy Wedding Anniversary to us, Honey!

Cheers to the crazy us!!!And hoping the madness continues---forever.

Thanks!!

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 06:14:00 +0000

Stories make people come together.
Stories help us know pain and joy better
Stories lets you empty out your tears and supply you with unlimited laughter.
When I wrote the last post, I never expected such an overwhelming response.
It helped me connect Some let me into their private worlds and some held my hand in my private world.
Thanks for all the comments, mails and chats.
Its awesome to know you guys are out there.

Share your stories.They are the best catharsis and healing!!!

Why I still believe in miracles,fairies and..all good things in life??

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 01:59:00 +0000

Warning: This post is going to be unusually long and maybe even pointless. I am writing it for myself to look back in and believe that 'life is what happens when we are busy making other plans'.

Two days back(Thursday) I got my driving license. I am yet to receive the card which would define my identity in this country in the coming years.Till now, it had been a page in my passport which was named a non immigrant dependent visa which in all its practical sense means nothing much. For a person who have lived all her(his)years doing her own thing and pretty much being good at it, I would recommend coming to US on a dependent Visa and live a solid year to be grounded on how to not lose your self respect while viling away your life.Well, till you go through it you would never estimate the importance of silly nuances of identity crisises.Well, considering even the mighty Shahrukh Khan had to endure a security check somehow soothes my soul and even more underscores what I learnt in the past 10 months living in this alien yet wonderful country.So here is my story of ten months of a gut wrenching roller coaster ride of life.

Before getting married, we had planned a course of action which involved me applying to Universities for higher education-Selecting the best one from the choices we have based on location,ranking of the University and course,job market for my better half.(Oh.By the way, he had almost quit the project he was working on in Reno because I wanted to do my education from one of the best places and Reno was well,not anywhere near it.More about Reno in a later post. And yes, he is a darling to do that.Ofcourse, thats why I married him.)So there it was.As always, the neurotic planner in me complete with a gazillion planners and organizers had planned out step by step process of my life's direction. And as planned, I applied for Policy studies/Development Studies/Global Policy studies in diffferent Universities. My strategy is quite akin to what most of the graduate students from India do-2 dream Universities(read best Ivy leagues),3 great Universities(Read top 10) and 1 not so bad University,but not good enough (Read in top 25,but is just a buffer because of location preference).And well, thank my lucky stars, I got into all of them where I applied. And I was thrilled to the core.Not just because of getting the admits,but also because that the entire process of applying ,writing SOP's and contacting professors was a nightmare which I would never ever want to relive.

Our first set back came with the date of the wedding.It had to be done in September because of unavoidable logistics issues which also meant that I would not be able to join classes in Fall 2008(classes beginning end of August).So naturally, I applied for deferring admits to Spring and had just one University doing that. I was devastated because that meant I will have to be at home for atleast 6 months time and for someone who has never really sat at home jobless, it was unthinkable. It also meant I wouldnt be able to take a F1 (student) Visa as I planned.I honestly thought the universe is conspiring against me to off set my happiness with my 'only' wedding.Well, I was deeply wrong. It was just a sample ride in the least scary childrens ride of the amusement park.

The best part was I couldnt really decide where to join.And Ivy leagues have this knack of luring students especially International students with their 'Oh so great name' and zero scholarships.And to add to the agony, my boss was a graduate from that specific school and was all heart in me taking it up.Well, money won over prestige and I 'declined' the admit with a heavy heart and tried to zero in on the next best schools. And again, I started planning with all my might. We were set to go to US a month after our wedding and we can shift as soon as we can to the locale of the University where I want to attend to and he can get a working project there and I can convert to student Visa. And for those of you who is thinking, that sounds improbable.Trust me, it was fool proof in any way you looked at it.

That was till, Recession hit as a global monster.

I think I have an affinity towards disasters.My colleagues in Tsunami work team used to call me Tsunami baby just because my birthdate falls on the unfortunate day when it hit.Recession was a Tsunami for us, two newly weds whose world just went upside down in matter of days. It definitely was not one of the best experiences of landing in a totally alien country with no friends or relatives around in the boiling heat of recession.It was almost like-I set foot in US and the US economy tumbled down like a tower of cards. Quite an ego burst for a newly wed bride!.

That changed our lives which Im sure like so many others-rich and poor alike.These things which you read in newspapers are just 'general knowledge' and statistics till you become one of those. Sibz didnt technically lose his job-but being out of a project virtually meant that. So we were in our first newly wed months where we wondered and woke up everyday with anxiety and fear of not knowing what next.And those who dont have the habit of saving money in the plush of your financial years, I strongly advice to do so;because in these days, you never know what will happen for sure. Yes, thats what we did. We survived on savings. And needless to say, my college plans naturally took a back seat. Getting a job was what both of us had to think of day and night. SInce I was on H4 which meant I am ineligible to apply, we had to concentrate on the only probable bread winner of the family with the 'H1B'. And in those days (even now) when people were being sent off home with their H1B s cancelled, we were lucky enough to have retained it and transferred it to the right company at the right time. We were hoping to get into the project which my better half sacrificed for me to go for future studies in Reno itself. He was offered the project before our wedding with a substantial pay hike and he had said NO to it before coming to India for the wedding. Most of the first month went in trying to get it and feeding our hopes onto it. But as Murphy would have it, they were scared of the economy and refused to take on an additional expense on their balance sheets. So we were left to the mercy of market forces.Those were the days of checking every financial column of every source to see even an inkling of a positive turn over in the economy; which ofcourse didnt happen at all.

While my hubby was busy searching for jobs, I quite didnt know what to do. That was the first time in my life, my plans had mercilessly abandoned me.And for an organizing freak like me, that was pure trauma. I could see reins of my life slipping away from my hands and not being able to do anything was what frustrated me the most.Without the security of one of us having a job, it was pointless to embark on a college education which also meant that I wont be able to join classes for Spring semester as we planned. And the prude in me didnt want to share it with anyone fearing the judgment and prejudice I 'might' possibly have gotten. But thankfully, both our families and a set of close friends stood by us.Bless their souls.

Finally at some point of time I reconciled to the fact that there is nothing I can do about it and to go with the flow. After an excruciating wait of almost 5 months, Sibz got 2 offers at the same time.(Can you even believe after all that time, we had a choice of choosing where to go) Memphis and Texas. We were thrilled.Going to Texas meant I could join my No.2 choice of University and even have the buffer of my last choice university with a large chunk of scholarship. So after shifting two homes in Reno itself we embarked on our journey to the new land.We chose Texas for obvious reasons and was accomodated by a friends family who was kind enough to give us board and space till we could find our own place. We were there for almost a month.They didnt have to really do it.But they did it and again I dont know whom to thank for such goodness which comes randomly in your lives.(Or is it random?)

So we thought finally our troubles are going to end.Sibz s office had a corollary in the locale of my no.2 choice University and we assumed we could move there in the course of time and I could ofcourse join there and we could be together. But well, there was no happy ending like that. For reasons still beyond my comprehension the University decided not to defer my admission and dont give me admission at all i.e when I still had the admits from Ivy leagues which were much much better than this one. That sure broke my pride.I was hurt and defeated. I kept thinking over and over again, why would such a thing happen?.Nobody has denied admission to me ever.Well, sometimes failure has its wicked way on sneaking in ways you least expect. I had never thought of myself as a particularly 'competitive' person. And it was time for self recollection.

And those times got me thinking. I wanted something to occupy my mind so badly.Worse comes worse,I could always join my last choice of University which was even in the same State and they were offering me a substantial amount of scholarship.But somehow, my heart was not into it anymore.Between apartment and furniture hunting and setting up a new apartment, I still needed that certain one thing to keep me assured that I have not become obsolete.And I remembered my co worker in Assam who was preparing for his LSATs(Law school admission test in US) and I figured out thats the kind of mental stimulation I needed right then. I had always wanted to do law. I almost would have.But between the compromise between my mom and me of me not pursuing medicine and choosing my own field, there was a slight catch-I shouldnt do Law because for some reason she believed 'girls' who did law didnt get good marriage alliances. Weird, huh?But well, I surrendered to it mostly because I was getting to do what I liked to do and was not being forced into something which i dint want to pursue. So coming back to where I was, I couldnt simply do LSAT just for the heck of it.I shopped around, but most of the Universities had their deadlines over and out. And finally, I checked University of Houston which is the nearest University I could ever get. And' coincidentally', they had their part time admission deadline up in just another month.That meant I could actually apply and take the test in June and pray for the best. LSAT is quite a competitive test and its not at all wise to take it with just a months preparation.But I did just that.And for the first time in my life, I loved studying for a standardized test.I almost felt the test was personalized for me.It had all the test elements which I loved doing or is naturally good at.I had my inlaws visiting over during the time of preparation and test and a lot of other things happening. But I did it. I did the test and applied to one of the top tier 1 law schools in the country hoping for a chance of redeemal. I didnt have a great LSAT score, but definitely had a 'good' one. And I hoped all the hardwork I had done with my life in the past years would help me in some way.All I could do was hope.

And one of those days, I was lazing around in the library and I get a call from the University which declined me my admit.They wanted me back. They somehow realized I was worth it and surely it was a sweet revenge because Im sure they dont do last minute corrections like that as the admissions office admitted.But, I was no longer in the mindset to join them since they were a good number of miles away from us and I had to relocate by myself there.So in the mean while I was preparing to join the last number choice of University in my list since it would also help us not to be in different places.After 4 years of long distance relationship and what we went through the first months of marriage, I didnt want to stay away from my better half. This also meant I will have to settle down with not the best but still it was one of the top 25 programs in US. But when you have always been in the best of the best, it rankles somewhere deep down.And your juniors and colleagues joining the very same Ivy leagues you had your admits in doesnt really help with your dilemma. Nopes, thats not bragging.I genuinely wished I didnt have that disability of mind.Sometimes not being the best is the sanest thing you can ever do to yourself.

But well, after all this I did finally get into law school.

So now doing a flash back, I get what James Redwood meant in Celestine Prophecy

Feeling restless? You're not alone: Everybody's starting to look for more meaning in life. Start paying closer attention to those seemingly "Chance Coincidences" - strange occurrences that feel like they were meant to happen. They are actually synchronistic events, and following them will start you on your path to spiritual truth.

If even one of those events which I lamented about didnt occur, I wouldnt be here saying this story with a light heart.It started even from Assam.If Gabe hadnt been studying for LSAT so ardently, it wouldnt even have crossed my mind to apply it in here.I was always thinking in terms of a distance ed law course from India. Those 6 months in Reno which was so pathetic,now in hindsight looks like a marvellous honeymoon. Who gets a honeymoon in a casino town (Reno is mini Las Vegas for old people) with friends around? And most importantly, which H4 newly wed bride had got her husband with her for 5 months at her disposal?We had a great time there with a closely knit Indian community and 'chance' meeting of people from same part of Kerala as we hail from who treated us like family. Because of them, we never felt alien and alone. We went for frequent dinner parties, invited people home and had a great time out there. We even gambled and gained a little bit of goodies from casinos.Now being in Houston where an Indian turns away when they see another one, I realize how fortunate I was to land in Reno of all places.More about Reno later in another post.It deserves another post truly.So thanks to recession for that.

All those times I cribbed I was doing nothing- I did an online creative writing course, learnt a bit of Spanish, started guitar lessons, toyed around with my new fancy camera,did a couple of freelance social projects and even co authored a book. Ofcourse, if it was not for the sword looming over my head, I could have done better. If I had taken things in a more lighthearted fashion and went with the flow, I could have enjoyed it lot more. But, now come to think of it those were some of the best days of my life. Taking life at its own sweet time without worrying about a schedule or tick marks in my organizer-it was a different experience and surprisingly truly liberating.

And today, I might have only few things to change in my resume,yet I can safely say I would not trade those days for anything else. I would not have had it in any other way given a second chance. And that thought makes me happy and seemlessly content.I am older and wiser gone through that rollercoaster ride.

And I know whatever storm I shall have to endure, 'This too shall pass'...

And thats precisely why I believe in miracles,fairies and all the good things in life!!!

So law school, here I come.I am blogging about that journey here for any one out there who might need help with it.I sure did.And hoping some fairy would get me a cosigner for my student loans.

Fifteen books you've read that will always stick with you!

noreply@blogger.com (Jina) — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 19:46:00 +0000

--Zu tagged it in facebook. Thought I will tag my blogger friends this time who are more likely to do it or enjoy doing it

Rules: Don't take too long to think about it.

First fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes. Tag 15 friends, including me because I'm interested in seeing what books my friends choose. Do explain why you are including something.

In no particular order...

1. Stories and Fairytales from all over the world- I dont know whether that is the exact name.But that was kind of my first real book which opened the world of books to me.Loyal and hooked ever since.

2. Harry Potter series (J K Rowling)- Any writer can make their protagonists interesting. Only an kickass writer can make the minor characters kickass (Copied verbatim from Zu since I couldnt think of anything better than that.

3. Pathummayude Aadu (Basheer)- It was the first text book which I actually read like a non text book. Simplicity at its best in fine story writing.

4. Fountainhead ( Ayn Rand ) - From guilt to pride in being selfish/self centered/or in my words pampering myself.

5. The Trial (Franz Kafka- Completeness in incompletion. First of those books which made me realize you dont necessarily have to understand everything to enjoy a book. The understanding comes with life, but you have to start somewhere.

6. Mother Night (Kurt Vonnegut)-"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be." Compelling sarcasm at its best.

7. Archies comics,balarama and poompataa- Ridiculous choices, but true to heart. Comics could/would never get any better for me.

8. The Alchemist- Love Paulo Coelho. But I love Alchemist for giving something new everytime I read it-Like a magic lamp.

9. Inspite of The Gods -The 'Strange' Rise of Modern India(Edward Luce)- A refreshing perspective on India and things Indian by an outsider who is yet an insider.

10. Everyone worth knowing (Lauren Weisberger)- For the first chick flick which was much more than a time pass read.I loved it and reads it over and over again.

11. The Moors Last Sigh (Salman Rushdhie)- For characters who felt like family.

12. The Kite runner (Khaled Husseini)- For making me cry unashamedly.For proving that protagonists dont always have to be good and heroic to be loved the same.

13. Twilight series (Stephenie Meyer) - I picked it up from a friends house on a sleepover--Much before the books were a hit. And I finished the first in 4 hours at one go without sleep and knew it was special.

14. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redwood)- For bringing magic at the right times.For constantly reminding me that there are no coincidences in life.

15. Tell me your Dreams (Sidney Sheldon)- The book which took me to the realms of minds and mindlessness.

Tagged to

1. Mathew
2. Varsha
3. Arpita
4. Maddy
5. Jazmine