Beautifully Flawed

Like A Wave

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Mon, 20 Jun 2016 04:59:00 +0000

They say your 20's is the most important decade of your life. In your 20's almost 80% of life defining moments happen. It's the decade people determine their career, relationships, and personality. What they say, well, it's true. If I could choose just one word to describe my life after college it would be: CHANGE.

I remember taking that first full-time job. I planned to work there for at least five years. I hoped to get married, settle down, have a family. My plan was efficient, direct, but life has turned out so differently than I ever imagined. Five years, six jobs, seven living situations, four churches, international living, my belongings boxed up, hellos, goodbyes . . . change, so much change. Job or housing applications make me cringe a little. I don't remember addresses from four years ago. My walls are blank. It is easier to just not put something up. Besides, I have become somewhat of a minimalist. The less I have, the easier it is to move. I stopped making plans years ago. I have become flexible and adaptable. My mantra has been, "If I'm here." Life has not been direct, it's been . . . well, messy.

Every year since graduating I have had to make life defining decisions. I would never have considered myself "restless" or "adventurous." I do not feel as if I sought out change because I needed it or liked it. It just happened. Making these life defining decisions has never been easy for me. Right now, today, as I type, I am in the midst of making yet another life defining decision. There is more change coming and it's not easy. I have been anxious, fearful, frustrated, confused, and lost. In these moments, I am great at recognizing my lack of wisdom and asking God for it, but I am not so great at having faith. James 1:5-8, says we need to do both.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."

Some days I am that wave, that double-minded man. Some days I doubt I will receive the wisdom I am asking for. Some days my anxiety trumps my trust. Some days my fears drown out my belief. This double-mindedness, this wavering, causes me to ride an emotional roller coaster. I become that wave tossed about by circumstances (wind). If circumstances don't seem to be in my favor I am filled with doubt and anxiety. If circumstances seem to be looking up I am filled with trust. It is a restless place to be in. It is tiring. There is no wisdom to be found going back and forth between trust and doubt. This is why James says the double-minded man receives nothing and is unstable in all his ways.

John MacArthur defines the faith James talks about as believing, confident prayer. As Christians, we sometimes pray without knowing what God's answer will be. However, when we pray for wisdom we know exactly what the answer will be! James say, wisdom will be given to he who asks because God gives generously to all without reproach. Of all the prayers to have belief and confidence in, it should be the prayer for wisdom! John MacAurthur says of the double-minded man: "They literally are unwilling to cash in the resources that God has provided in their spiritual account. And they receive nothing. And so they may go on and on and on in the misery of that trial. Never knowing the resolution immediately available to them through faithful persistent trusting prayer in God."

So tonight I sit here wondering, how do I have more faith when I am asking for wisdom? How do I avoid being that wave tossed about by my circumstances? How do I find peace, rest, and confidence in the midst of life defining decisions and change?!? Philippians 4:6-8 says,

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

Paul, the writer of Philippians, says to pray with thanksgiving. James says to count it joy when we meet trials because the testing of our faith produces steadfastness and that steadfastness makes us perfect and complete. These life defining decisions I seem to continually face are opportunities to grow my faith and make me more like Christ. Ultimately, that is the goal in life, so I can be thankful for them. Secondly, in the midst of these life defining decisions I should be turning my thoughts to what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent . . . instead of the what-ifs, my past regrets, and the unknown future. I have the most peace when I remember God's sovereignty and his promises.

I don't want to be that wave. I don't want to be tossed about to and fro by circumstances. I want to cry out with believing, confident prayer (faith). I want to trust that this messy life in my eyes is a beautifully intricate design in God's sovereignty. I want to believe God will give me the wisdom I need to make yet another life defining decision.

Dear God, thank you for giving me an opportunity to grow in my faith. Thank you for the opportunities you have laid before me. You are my provider, you are good, and you are faithful. Most of all, you are with me. I ask for wisdom and thank you in advance for giving it to me! I trust you.

Valentine's Day and the Beach

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 18:51:00 +0000

It was Valentine's Day 2015. I had planned on spending some time with Him, just the two of us. So late in the afternoon, I grabbed my jacket and headed out for a walk. Like always I started talking . . . and talking . . . but at the top of the hill He interrupted me and what He said brought me to tears. Not the bad kind, but the good kind.

It had been almost seven months since I had returned home from Indonesia and over a year since I had made the decision to leave . . . the decision to break my two year contract. Back in June, with my position unfilled and my coworkers taking on extra loads, leaving was difficult to say the least. I remember walking along on the edge of the Indian Ocean heavy with guilt, but feeling like a couldn't change the decision I had made. As the waves washed over my feet, I felt the Lord confirming his love for me despite the mistake I may have made. That June evening should have been the end of it, but it wasn't. I spent the next seven months analyzing the motives that drove my decision. Seven months wondering if I should have stayed the full two years. Seven months torn apart by guilt, haunted by regret.

So there I was on Valentine's Day walking up that hill carrying over seven months of guilt and apologizing to God for the hundredth time when He interrupted me. How long will you live in this guilt? What is this regret doing for me? How can you move forward to what I have for you when you keep looking behind you? Think about Paul, if he had continued to live in the guilt of his life as Saul he could never have served me the way he did. Have I not forgiven you? Has not the price for your sin already been paid? Let this go. Look forward.

Tears. The good kind.

For over seven months I had been somehow trying to "pay" for what I felt was a mistake. It was like somehow if I just felt guilty enough I could make up for it. The problem was, my guilt didn't seem to ever become equivalent to my mistake. It didn't somehow undo what had been done. My regret grew, it became heavier, it became suffocating. All of this was self-imposed, not from the Lord.

The truth is, God forgives our sins the first time we ask. In 1 John, a book focused on God's love, it says "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." There is no other requirement than confession. It doesn't say IF you feel guilty enough or IF you are full of regret. No amount of guilt or regret can pay the price for our sin because the "the wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23a). Only Jesus' death on the cross can pay for our mistakes (Hebrews 7:26-28). All we need to do is confess. Continuing to live in guilt actually rejects Jesus' death as if it is not enough.

Why am I writing about this over a year later? Because my decision to leave Indonesia is not the first decision or action I have questioned or felt regret over for an extended amount of time. No, I have quite a few and I don't often forget them. They haunt me. My mistakes are resurrected when I face a life decision. I have this fear I will repeat my past.

Last August I went to the beach. I was weighing a life decision and needed to get away. The decision making process was frustrating to me. My regrets and fears, were preventing me from moving forward in a decision. I wanted to do the right thing. I thought about Indonesia. I thought about Valentine's Day. I thought about Paul. Of all people, Paul, could have been paralyzed by his past and fear. Before becoming sold out for Jesus, he was persecuting Jesus. He could have lived in guilt over his mistakes for years. He could have been paralyzed by fear of what others would think, of his own well-being, or of leaving everything he had known. His past and his fears did not stop him though. Instead in Philippians 3:13-14 he said, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Paul could not have moved forward if he had lived in his past.

I decided on Valentine's Day to let go and look forward, but at the beach I made that same choice for all other regrets haunting me. I was encouraged by Paul, to forget what was behind and strain toward what is ahead. Maybe you are walking around weighed down with guilt apologizing to God for the hundredth time. Or perhaps you are paralyzed by your mistakes and fears. Has not God forgiven you? Has not the price for your sin already been paid? Let go. Look forward.

Freedom

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Tue, 24 Nov 2015 08:32:00 +0000

FEAR. Almost three years ago I realized just how much of a driving force those four little letters were in my life – and I do mean my life (all of it). All the way back to grade school Spirit Week. . . . I was dressed up for Opposite/Clash Day. I looked pretty crazy with my braid and ponytail, two different shoes, and every fingernail painted a different color. I walked in the Cafeteria before school and the lunch room lady asks me what dress up day it is saying she thought it was some other day. Boom. FEAR. I didn’t want to go to class. I didn’t want to be dressed up for the wrong day! Everyone would make fun of me! However, I couldn’t turn around and go home, so I went. Thankfully, it was Opposite/Clash Day and I even won a prize for my outfit. But . . . FEAR made me bring extra clothes to school every Spirit Week until I graduated college (and maybe into my teaching career…).

Over the last three years I have begun to understand how fear affects my thinking, decisions, and actions. Often fear has been at the root of my emotional turmoil or rash actions. Fear has left me frustrated, suffocated, and paralyzed. Rick Warren calls fear a “self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends for you to be.” A prison. Yep. Self-imposed. Wait, self-imposed??

I think for the longest time I just kind of subconsciously accepted that I struggled with fear. It was like somehow my recognition of that struggle made it OK for me to continue on it. Not that I wanted to intentionally live out fear, but many days I felt powerless to conquer it. It seemed impossible that there could be a life outside of fear. I mean, it had been part of my life long before I even realized it was. My dad started praying for me almost three years ago to have freedom from fear. I was super thankful for his prayers, but honestly, deep down I didn’t feel like I would ever have freedom. My heart had forgotten the God it served.

Over the last few months, I feel that God has been reminding me of who He is. Even this last week, I was reminded of who God is while grading Bible tests (yes I am teaching again, long story) over the book of Mark. Students were explaining what one of the miracles Jesus performed taught them about God and their answers, while simple, spoke straight to my heart. The God who calmed a storm with a few words, healed the sick, gave sight to the blind, and made the lame walk is powerful and authoritative. If Jesus can heal someone from a physical birth defect, can he not heal us from our spiritual and personality defects?!? Can he not set me free from my fear? Can he not set us free from our struggles? From our self-imposed prisons that seem impossible to break out of? Already he has conquered sin and death! Already he has given us everything we need to walk in freedom and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). Has he not promised to continue the good work he started in us (Philippians 1:6-7)? Isn’t it Christ who lives IN us (Galations 2:20)?

There is no past, no struggle, no label, no personality trait, we have to continue to live in. God’s desire is not for those things to take us captive. He wants freedom for us. He died so we could be free! He did not die for us to continue living in these prisons (1 Peter 2:24). It is in His will for us to live out this freedom so I know it will happen. Get out!

Wow. I’m just soaking this in again. Tonight I’m continuing to call on God for His power, His victory, His freedom and maybe, just maybe, this year during Spirit Week I’ll leave that change of clothes at home.

Maybe.

Even More

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Wed, 17 Jun 2015 07:03:00 +0000

Today was one of those days where I found myself asking God for wisdom. In fact, I have been asking for wisdom a lot recently. It has almost become a ritual done without thought. The last two weeks I have been challenged, to my very core, by Job 28. The words in this passage were spoken by a righteous man named Job at a point of extreme loss and suffering in his life. Job’s words on wisdom, stated in the midst of confusing events, are reminding me of what asking for wisdom really means.

According to Job, asking for wisdom is somewhat like searching for earthly valuables. The search for these earthly valuables—gold, iron, copper, ore—takes man deep into the dark recesses of the earth. It takes him to “places forgotten by the foot of man,” (v. 4) places unknown to the birds and proud beasts. It is hard work. Man must “[assault] the flinty rock and [lay] bare the roots of the mountains” (v.9) to find these earthly valuables. The search is intentional, purposeful, and difficult. Yet, deemed worthy of effort when the earthly valuable is uncovered.

Like earthly valuables, Job recognizes man does not know where wisdom dwells or where it can be found. It too is “hidden from the eyes of every living thing, concealed even from the birds of the air” (v. 21). It is not in the deep, it is not in the sea. Although hidden like earthly valuables, Job sets wisdom apart by assigning it greater worth. Job says wisdom, “cannot be bought with the finest gold, nor can its price be weighed in silver . . . . neither gold nor crystal can compare with it . . . the price of wisdom is beyond rubies” (v.15-18). Four times he states wisdom cannot be compared with or bought with the finest gold. Job knows there is no price on wisdom.

Job also knows man “does not comprehend [wisdom’s] worth” (v. 13). If man understood wisdom was worth even more than earth's greatest valuables, would he not search for it even more intently than those? Would he not be deem it worthy of even more effort despite difficulties? Would he not be even more purposeful in his searching?

Ugh. I am challenged all over again writing this!

If I understood wisdom’s worth . . . IF . . . where would my search begin? Quotes by famous philosophers or stars? A magazine with “101 wise choices”? My friends? My family? The next “7 traits of wise people” article shared on my Facebook newsfeed? My favorite song lyrics? I have to admit I am searching all over this earth for something not of this earth. Job said,

“God understands the way to [wisdom] and he alone knows where it dwells for he views the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens. When he established the force of the wind and measured out the waters, when he made a decree for the rain and a path for the thunderstorm, then he looked at wisdom and appraised it; he confirmed it and tested it. And he said to man, ‘the fear of the Lord—that is wisdom. And to shun evil is understanding.’” Job 28:23-28

My search starts with God. To fear him I must know him. To know him I must seek him and shun evil.

I ask for wisdom from God a lot, but I forget that I have a role to search for it. Searching for wisdom is not natural. It requires going to places forgotten by the foot of man. It requires assaulting the flinty rock. It requires being intentional and purposeful. It requires time. It is difficult. Yet, worthy of the effort for it is more valuable than anything I could possibly comprehend. Practically, my search could mean going to God in prayer before going to a friend with my latest decision conundrum. Perhaps, it might look like taking those five minutes of scrolling through Facebook to memorize a truth of scripture instead. Maybe, it means scheduling quiet time with God on my calendar like I would a date with a friend. My search might mean making different media or entertainment choices. It might even change how I spend my time.

It is going to cost. Valuable things always cost, but “wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost ALL you have, get understanding” Proverbs 4:7. No sacrifice is too great.

**If you are interested in continuing to read my blog please make sure you subscribe by email or become a follower using the links in the right hand column as I will not be posting via Facebook anymore!**

I Got A Feeling

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Thu, 21 May 2015 04:32:00 +0000

When I began this blog, I committed to sharing my reflections about what the Lord was teaching me. For quite awhile now something has been on my mind to share, but I haven't. Perhaps it's because I'm working on something a bit bigger. Perhaps. I think though, maybe deep down I know I haven't fully learned this lesson yet. This one is close to my heart . . . in fact, it's about my heart.

From the time I was small, my emotions have been known to the entire world. In another life, I am sure I would have been an actress. I have been known as the drama queen in my family and some days I feel as if my heart resides on my face, not in my chest. You can easily find me on cloud nine, attempting to dance in front of the bathroom mirror, head phones in and hair piled high on top of my head all crazy like. You can also find me talking loudly (okay maybe screaming) when stuck in stop and go traffic. Occasionally, you can find me staring silently out the window lost in thought contemplating life. I feel a feeling deeply and completely. This includes the good feelings, the so-so feelings, and the yucky feelings. All of them.

Now I don't think feelings are wrong, by any means. I think God gave us our hearts and the ability to feel emotion. However, I have realized often my feelings, especially those yucky ones, don't stay in my heart. They worm their way into my thoughts and assault my mind. It happens when I'm tired, when I've had a bad day, or when I am going through something difficult. Once my feelings have seized control of my mind, they conquer my actions. My thoughts are the basis for my actions. Thus, in the end, it is my heart that has acted.

I operate from my heart more than I would like to admit. The problem with this is that my feelings, although they are real and present, are not always based on truth. Jeremiah 17:9 calls the heart deceitful above all things and oh how my heart is not exempt from that statement! Time and time again my heart has misled me. It happens with a snowball-like effect. I get a feeling, or an emotional reaction to a situation. Initially, it is involuntary, but I choose to go right on feeling it because it seems valid to me, because it just feels so right! This feeling starts to snowball, growing exponentially as the cause for it is replayed over and over in my head. Sometimes snowballs of feelings collide, combine, and grow even faster. When left unstopped, my feelings have taken me to places I never intended to go. They have led me to incorrect thinking. They have led me to poor decision making. They have led me to isolation. They have distorted how I view myself and how I view God.

It would be nice if I could just turn off my emotions, be a Spock, but I can't. So . . . what do I do with real feelings and a heart that can be deceitful? Well, Psalm 62:8 says, "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." 1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." Abraham, a friend of God, brought his feelings about the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah to God. David all throughout the Psalms pours out his heart to God. Jesus, in the garden before his crucifixion, fell face to the ground to talk with God about his troubled heart. I believe we are called to bring our feelings to God.

When I first began bringing my feelings to God I was really hesitant. I mean, my feelings, so intense and important to me, might just be nothing to him. Sometimes my own feelings seemed insignificant to me in light of the situations other people were facing. I thought maybe he would think that too. I wondered if God saw my feelings and if he would hear how I felt. Many times I flat out didn't want to bring my feelings to God. I wanted to hang on to them for days . . . months . . . years. Part of me thought if I brought my feelings to God it would mean they weren't justified. Like somehow the situation which brought forth those feelings did not warrant such a response. Honestly, I was terrified to even whisper my feelings, I didn't know what it would mean for me. I felt it might just be safer to hide them best I could.

Then I met Hagar. Her story brought a revelation to my heart. The God who created the vast universe sees and hears me. My feelings were not insignificant to him. I knew from Hagar's story regardless of the situation which gave rise to my feelings, I would be heard and seen. I would be met where I was at, not to be chastised or condemned, but to freed by truth. Feelings come with chains. Feelings strip away hope. Feelings can lie. I also realized God saw and heard my feelings whether I brought them to him or not. Psalm 139 says God "[perceives] my thoughts from afar . . . before a word is on my tongue [he] knows it completely." Even though God's knowledge of my feelings only leaves me one choice, honesty, it still isn't easy. Hagar showed me that while God sees and hears my feelings, the cause of those feelings may not change. Still, he gently calls me to turn those feelings over to him, to trust. I don't get to hang on to them.

This is hard for me. So very very hard.

I have spent many nights on my knees, face to the floor, tears streaming, wrestling to bring my feelings to God. I know it is what I should do, but often it is not what I want to do. Sometimes all I can muster is praying for the desire to bring my feelings to God. My pride gets in the way. I do not want to surrender. It's hard giving up what feels real or right. My heart wants to trust itself and not God. Yet, time has taught me the wrestling, the struggle, is worth it. There is an exchange that takes place, feelings for truth. It is truth that brings freedom and peace. Philippians 4:6-8 says,

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."

My yucky feelings are not true or right or lovely or any of those things. Not once have they brought me peace. However, when I have brought my feelings to God during life's roughest moments, I have experienced unexplainable peace. Exchanging my feelings for truth has brought me hope.

Four years ago I began learning how to give my feelings to God and still it is a daily battle for me. I thank God for placing a woman after his heart in my life to gently encourage me to seek out truth instead of relying on what I felt. She encouraged me to bring my feelings to Jesus: "I feel {INSERT FEELING}, but I know {INSERT TRUTH}." It has been some of the most powerful advice I have ever received.

I may feel feelings more intensely and frequently than other people, but at some point everyone walks through a place where their feelings lead and they operate from their heart. Even today you may feel . . . alone, fearful, angry, bitter, hopeless, guilty, sad, embarrassed, numb, hurt, betrayed, frustrated, worthless, shameful, unloveable, inadequate, weak, confused, abandoned, purposeless, entitled, lost, stuck, hopeless. I want you to know that bringing your feelings to God is not being weak, it's being strong. I want you to know that I understand just how hard it is to give up what feels right. I want you to know you will never ever regret laying down those heavy feelings so you can pick up truth. You can have freedom.

"Jesus loves me"

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Fri, 07 Nov 2014 06:35:00 +0000

Cross-legged, sitting on the floor, surrounded by three-year olds, I sing the words "Jesus loves me, this I know." A dozen little voices blend with mine. The words, so familiar to me, come without thinking, but for some of them it could be the first time they heard this truth. The truth that Jesus loves them.

I have heard the truth of Jesus' love for me so much I sometimes fail to remember what it really means. It becomes a statement I know, I say, but my heart forgets. What does it mean that Jesus loves us, that God loves us?

He died for us. -- "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

He gives us life. -- "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." John 10:10

He sets us free. -- "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1-2

He forgives us. -- "He does not create us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:10-12

He calls us his children. -- "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1

He shares his sufferings and glory with us. -- "Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." Romans 8:17

He casts out fear. -- "God is love. . . . There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment." 1 John 4:16,18

He works for our good as we obey him. -- "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

He disciplines us. -- "'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines this he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son'. . . . God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness." Hebrews 12:5-6,10

He gives us rest. -- "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

He watches over us. -- "The Lord watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy." Psalm 145:20

He provides for us. -- "So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:31-33

He knows us. -- "O Lord you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar." Psalm 139:1-2

There is so much wrapped up in the way that God loves us. I didn't even cover all of it. Today, my heart needed to be reminded of these things. It needed to be reminded of how great the love is that he has lavished on us. It needed to be reminded of how to respond to such a love as this. Thank you Father for your great love.

In the Boat

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Fri, 03 Oct 2014 06:33:00 +0000

The air is cool and the sound of my feet striding on the gravel is loud to the awakening world. I went running to clear my head, to get away, to think. It's October. It's fall, a new season. Summer has been sweet, sweeter than I could have ever imagined. There was no big event or special occasion that made it so sweet, it was just the small moments. Moments like exploring a skyline forest road with my parents, picking huckleberries on a warm afternoon, working out with my mom, having heart to heart conversations with my grandparents, running (literally) to the store for cabbage with my sister, canoeing the Deschutes river with my family, biking in the cool summer air, riding in the wheat truck with my dad, going to the drive-in, playing volleyball in the backyard, picking raspberries with my grandma in her garden . . . . I have felt blessed beyond words for these moments. Yet, as the leaves begin to change I feel a change in my life as well. I need to make some decisions. On my run, I remembered a passage I read this last spring about the calling of the first disciples (Luke 5:1-11). It seemed just as relevant to me on my run as it did four months ago in Jakarta.

The passage starts off with Jesus standing by the Lake of Gennesaret with people crowding around him "listening to the word of God." By the shore, Simon, a fisherman, was washing his nets. Jesus sees Simon's empty boat, gets in and asks Simon to put out a little from the shore. Then Jesus continues teaching the crowd from the boat. When I read this I saw Simon. He willingly submitted his belonging (boat) and followed Jesus' request. Simon didn't let his work, the washing of his nets, stop him from helping or listening to Jesus. He put himself in a position to hear the word of God by taking Jesus out in the boat. Simon was front and center listening to Jesus teach. He would have heard everything.

After he finishes teaching, Jesus makes a another request asking Simon to "Put out into deep water and let down the nets for a catch." Simon answers by calling Jesus "Master." I haven't studied this word, but it seems as if Simon is recognizing Jesus' authority. He also responds to Jesus' request answering, "because you say so." Simon was the fisherman, not Jesus. It was his occupation, his skill, his livelihood. Yet, Simon submits any prideful thoughts or motivations his has and does what Jesus asks. He does this even though the request was somewhat illogical and outside of the normal. I don't believe it is coincidence that Simon submits and recognizes Jesus' authority after hearing him teach!

When Simon lets down his nets, he catches more fish than his boat could carry, more than even two boats could carry. Simon stepped out in obedience, even though it was illogical, and Jesus followed through. If he had allowed his prideful thinking to win out, trusting in his own knowledge and understanding of the world, he wouldn't have experienced Jesus' power and authority. Simon ends up falling at Jesus' knee saying, "Go away from me Lord, I am a sinful man!" Once again, Simon refers to Jesus with a term of authority. He is so in awe of who Jesus is he doesn't even feel worthy to remain in his presence! In kneeling, Simon physically demonstrates his position in relationship to Jesus.

It is at this moment Jesus tells Simon not to be afraid. Jesus did not display his power and authority to frighten Simon, but to call him. Simon could not have left everything if he did not first understand his position in relationship to Jesus. He had to be humble. He had to understand just how small he was and how big Jesus was. When Simon understood this he left everything willingly! His job, the fish he had just caught, nothing got in his way. Jesus had to become everything to Simon before he was willing to do anything.

As I look to make decisions and to follow Christ I realize I must be guided by these truths. To follow Christ's calling in my life I must:

Put myself in a position to hear the word of God
Lay down my pride and submit (belongings, thinking, and actions)
Step out in faith believing in who God is and his promises
Elevate God and humble myself

I need to place myself in a position to hear from God's word. Not from the crowd, but from the boat, like Simon. I need to stop washing my nets and get in the boat. It is only then that I will realize who God is and who I am. It is only then I will be able to follow him. Even though I am not in Jakarta, I would appreciate your prayers!

Enemy of Change

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Thu, 17 Jul 2014 05:25:00 +0000

My heart hurts. It always does when there is change. For as long as I can remember I have been an enemy of change. The very first time I heard of Peter Pan I was mesmerized, enchanted by the notion of not growing up and escaping change. Many nights of my life were spent staring out my bedroom window at the stars above wishing Peter would whisk me off to Neverland. I cried when I turned ten because I was in double digits. I cried when I turned sixteen because I couldn't remember all the details of my childhood. I cried when I left home for college and when I completed my undergraduate studies.

Change is both endings and beginnings and it is the endings I do not like so much, especially the endings with people. I'm not an extrovert. Never in my life have I been labeled a "social butterfly" or described as a people lover. My relationships are few, deep, sincere. When I let someone into my life I do not want to let them out. I want to be a friends for life. Twenty-five years of living have proved this to be hard to accomplish. There are distinct periods of time, chapters or seasons as some say, in life. Relationships come and go with these as change occurs. Even if a relationship is maintained through a variety of seasons or distances it is never quite the same.

A year ago I made a big change when I decided to teach overseas in Indonesia. It was hard, but I quickly found myself surrounded by wonderful people. Well, its July again and already my friends are returning to begin another school year. My heart hurts because I know it won't be the same. I will miss my friends and coworkers. I am not a short drive away as if I had moved towns. I am half a world away. No longer will I be able to just "live life" with them.

I use to think life held some permanent people--parents, siblings, spouses, perhaps best friends-- relationships that would always be the same. No matter what happened in life these people would be with you. However, I have come to realize even these relationships change. Siblings move apart and start families, spouses eventually pass away, and best friends get jobs in other parts of the country (or world). If this were it I'm sure I would be broke, holed up somewhere refusing to meet people or let anyone in my life, but its not.

I have and will always have God. He is constant. He is the rocky ocean cliffs against which the waves of change crash and the tides of relationships ebb in and out. Hebrews 13:5 states God's promise to us, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." Jesus said in Matthew 28:20, "Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." There is no distance that can separate us from God. Psalm 139:7-10,18b says,

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there; If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand hold me fast….when I awake I am still with you."

The very name God gave his son, Immanuel, means "God with us" (Matthew 1:23). He is with us through every season and chapter of life. David writes in Psalm 23 of both green pastures and the valley of the shadow of death saying of God, "you are with me." He is not beside, beneath, or above, but with us. With him there is no separation, no goodbye.

Ever.

My soul rejoices!! There are no words to adequately express the gratitude which arises within me at this thought! He is with me! He is with us!!

While my heart hurts for the endings, I know this pain results only from the blessings of friendship I have received. My Jakarta SPH friends, I already miss you. Thank you for your friendship. You are in my prayers as you begin another school year. Know that God is with you. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;" Isaiah 41:10

The best department head ever, love her!

Best friend and college roomie forever!

Working, working, working, we love Starbucks :)

Teresa you can now officially hate me :)

Amazing math department coworkers, love these ladies!

Karaoke!

Going to Singapore

The huge wedding we attended.

Six lovely women who shared the experience of the "first year"with me!

A Change of Direction

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Wed, 11 Jun 2014 17:39:00 +0000

Tomorrow marks the end of my third year of teaching. I am always a bit sentimental or emotional at the close of a school year, but this year its a bit more than normal. This is it. Tomorrow is my last day of teaching. There won't be another school year, new class rosters of names to memorize, or bulletin boards to decorate. I will no longer be Miss Karissa. This isn't what I planned. My intentions were to teach for Sekolah Pelita Harapan for two years, yet here I am.

In my short teaching career I have been a part of three different schools. I have taught in a public school. I have taught in a private school. I have taught in an international school. I have even taught night classes for a college. I have taught every grade level from 6th through college. My experiences, though shallow, are broad and the truth is I do not love teaching. This does not mean I do not love my students, I just do not love the job. . . the lesson plans, the grading, the classroom management, the hours of work after work. To be a teacher, a really good teacher, is difficult. It requires constant learning and growth. Really good teachers sacrifice their time and personal lives to invest in students beyond the classroom. They don't settle for giving assignments that are easy to grade, but rather develop the assignments that will grow, challenge, and change their students. Really good teachers are passionate. They absolutely love what they do; students can see it, feel it. If I'm going to be a teacher I don't want to be just a teacher, I want to be a really good teacher. I realize this doesn't happen overnight and I also realize that I do not have the desire to put forth the effort needed to get there. This has not been a light decision for me, in fact, continuing to teach would be a whole lot more comfortable and easy. However, I strongly believe students and the teaching profession deserve teachers who love what they do and are dedicated to growth. After all, the number one influencing factor in education is the teacher.

As I finish out this year at Sekolah Pelita Harapan and even this season as a teacher, I feel privileged. I have not always felt qualified or worthy of the positions which I have held. Nevertheless, God appointed me to these positions and has seen me through in his strength. Graciously, He has allowed me to be a part of this high calling which shapes students' lives and impacts future generations. It is hard for me to fathom another job quite as purposeful as teaching. I pray in the last three years my students have seen and felt the love of Christ in my classroom. I hope they have known I care and want the very best for them. Oh, and of course, if they happen to learn some mathematics along the way that would be great too.

I am reminded tonight that even though I planned to be in Indonesia two years, it is the Lord who determines my steps (Proverbs 16:9). James 4:13-15 says:

"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”—yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”"

So tomorrow I teach my last classes, Lord willing. I am changing direction. I do not know what July, August, or September will bring, but I know the God I serve. While I wait to hear His direction for my life, I praise Him for seeing me through the last three years. All praise, glory, and honor be unto Him.

The Little Things

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Tue, 06 May 2014 11:19:00 +0000

There are six weeks left in the school year. Already, I've finished classes with my grade 12 students. Hallelujah! No more Calculus! For the next two weeks my grade 12 students will be writing their International Baccalaureate exams. Although the end of the school years seems so close, my desk is still piled high with papers to mark, curriculum projects to finish, exams to write, and review materials to prepare. Teaching at SPH this year has been a lot of work. Yet, despite the hours and hours of work I have often found an irrepressible thankfulness rising up in my heart. I am thankful for these little blessings:

Six other single women whom have shared this journey of first year teaching in Indonesia
Coworkers who are flexible, understanding, and dedicated
A supportive community among fellow expatriates
Living close to my best friend
Having the opportunity to travel and see new places
Wearing a uniform so I no longer have to deliberate over outfits (really, but not really, I want my full closet back, haha!)
Living within walking distance to the grocery store and anything else I should need
Friends who also have to "work" after work
Blue skies and sunshine when the smoggy Jakarta air lifts
Air conditioning!
Cheap tickets to the movies
New friendships with people from all over the world
Experiencing a life different than what I've always known
Random holidays the government declares
Motor bike rides with the wind blowing in my face :)
Beautiful city lights at night
Learning about another culture and what they value
Getting mail from home!
Trying all sorts of new foods and increasing my "spicy" tolerance
Dinners outside in the cool-ish evening air relaxing with friends
Discovering bubble tea!
Coffee shops that I can go work at when I'm unmotivated at home
Capturing life on the other half of the world with my camera
Encouraging words or notes from friends on rough days
Candles to make my apartment seem like home
2+ hour spa appointments with friends that result in uplifting conversations
Dinner multiple times a week with friends
Friends who take me to karaoke on my "mandatory annual celebration of the aging process"
Fresh flowers adorning my table

The list could go on and on. I was nervous when I moved to Indonesia. I was letting go and sacrificing a lot of things: being near family, sharing life with friends, living in a culture I understood, driving my AWESOME car . . . so many things. In my head I knew that God would take care of me, but today my heart knows it. These little blessings in the midst of this year's trials testify to it. This year God has provided for me physically, relationally, and spiritually in ways I could not have foreseen or imagined.

In Matthew 6:25-34 Jesus states that we do not need to worry about what we eat, drink, or wear for God knows ALL our needs and will meet them. He says, "the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." I was tempted to not come to Indonesia because I feared being lonely, living far away from loved ones, or not having certain physical comforts. Yet, God saw ALL my needs, even the ones I didn't know I had, and he met them. God is my shepherd who makes me lie down in green pastures and leads me beside quiet waters (Psalm 23:2). He is my provider.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

Space to Breathe

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Wed, 16 Apr 2014 15:01:00 +0000

Living here on the other side of the world teaching for SPH schools, has given me the opportunity to experience more than I ever imagined in life. For example, this week during Easter holiday I am in Bali! Not only is that AMAZING, but . . . I get to travel with my best friend and her husband!! Today we began exploring Bali by visiting one of it's many temples Uluwatu. While I can't say much for the temple itself, the view from the cliffs was utterly breathtaking. There at the top of the cliffs there is space to breathe. Check it out.

Temple on a cliff

We are together in Bali, what?!?

Random doors at the temple

Aren't they cute?

There were monkeys around the temple

I use to think all baby animals were cute . . .

This is how I feel sometimes at the end of a teaching day, haha

Humbled

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 16:23:00 +0000

I felt it creep up my face, that all too familiar reddening of my cheeks. My pulse quickened. Then worst of all, my brain jumped on the usual merry-go-round of thoughts:

I thought I checked this? What is the student saying? Am I going to be able to answer their question? Oh, the student is looking at me, I should respond. Wait, what? Can they tell I'm flustered? Okay, come on, focus and actually think about the problem. What was the question again?

This is what happens in my brain sometimes. It use to happen all the time in college when the professor would randomly call on me in class. My brain checks out. Even if I was asked what color the sky was I wouldn't be able to answer! This is what happened today.

A student came to ask me about a question on a major exam. I thought I had checked the exam thoroughly, but I made an error. I made an error on another test today as well. I even failed to answer the questions my students asked me today in a timely manner so instead they asked their friends. Let's just say, today I was humbled. I was reminded of my inadequacies for the teaching position I currently hold. Yet . . . in the midst of this painful reminder and embarrassment I was reminded of something else.

I work in a community of grace. Despite the mistakes I seem to continually make, my co-workers have continued to be flexible, patient, and encouraging. It doesn't matter if it is the millionth time I walk into their room to ask them a clarifying question on a math concept, they still make time to help me. It doesn't have to be this way. Truly, I have been blessed by those I work with. I am so grateful for them!

Days like today make me want to throw in towel. I get so frustrated at myself. However, God in his sovereignty appointed me to this teaching position and had a plan in doing so. He knew my mistakes, inadequacies, and weaknesses, yet chose me to be a part of the math department at SPH. I felt today as if God was saying once again to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). As much as I long to have it all together, to never have my brain check out, to have all my exams 100% perfect, that is not what I need. All I need is God's grace. Humbled, I look up and ask for God's power to be present in my weakness. I ask for the ability to perform well at my job for his glory, not mine.

One Small Victory

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Wed, 02 Apr 2014 13:22:00 +0000

It's Wednesday night and as I sit down to type this I definitely have lessons to be planning and papers to be grading, but I want to stop for a moment to thank God. This afternoon I ran 4 miles. Being a collegiate cross country runner, this would have seemed like nothing at one point in my life, but today it was EVERYTHING.

I shared on my prayer request page that I had been battling an injury. This last September my hips were somehow thrown out of alignment causing a significant amount of pain in my lower back. At one point this meant walking, sitting, and even standing were uncomfortable to me. I tried exercising (aka running), but of course this only caused inflammation and increased pain. At Christmas time, I was able to receive physical therapy and chiropractic help to align my hips. Since January I have slowly been making a come back. The steps have been small and frustrating. My back still gives me occasional discomfort and I am continuing my physical therapy exercises, but today felt like a victory.

I once said I thought not being able to run would rank among the top three worst things that could ever happen to me in life. Probably not true, but it's certainly up there. It has not been easy. Running is much more than exercise to me. I am so glad to be lacing up my shoes and heading out to run again. The smile it puts on my face is kind of ridiculous . . . but I just can't help it :) I am blessed. I am thankful.

So if you have been praying for healing, you can now start praising (along with praying for complete recovery)! Thank you God for giving me a healthy body and the ability to run!! Okay, back to the school work . . .

"So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. "

1 Corinthians 10:31

I Would Elope . . .

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Thu, 20 Mar 2014 13:54:00 +0000

A few weekends ago I had an opportunity I will probably never have again. I was able to attend the wedding of a millionaire, or billionaire, not sure which. The day celebrated the marriage of Henry Riady, son of James Riady one of the founders of SPH. Weddings are a very important celebration in Indonesia and as a teacher of SPH I was invited to attend. I estimated there to be over 4000 people in attendance of the ceremony alone, but I heard from another source there were upwards of 8000 people in attendance of the following luncheon. Crazy!!!

Usually, I love attending weddings, I mean, I just love love, can't get enough of it. However, I can't say I was particularly fond of this wedding, despite the grandeur decorations accompanied by pomp and circumstance. Why? It was stifled. Very little of the bride and groom's personality came out in the ceremony. It was all so formal. There were cameras, big screens, and giant lights. At least five photographers walked backwards down the aisle snapping furiously during the bridal processional and another six photographers staked out in the greenery on stage. Not to mention hundreds of other people, like myself, taking photos. There was no moment of privacy for the couple, not even during the communion, as the cameras swiveled on their long arms perfectly into position capturing every detail.

Sometimes I go to weddings and come away thinking if I were to get married I would be pleased with a similar ceremony. This was not the case. If I was rich or famous and this was to be my wedding, I would elope! Haha. No, really though, I would!! I guess I'm just not a fan of BIG things. I want to know the people who have come to celebrate my day. I want to walk unhindered down the aisle at a normal pace rather having five cameras in my face and photographers tripping as they walk backwards. I want the love I have for Christ and the man I will marry to be more grandeur and evident than all the decorations. I want my reception to be filled with conversations and hugs versus cavier and silver dishes.

Even though it wasn't my style, it was an experience I won't forget. Below are a few snapshots I took of the day. I wish I could have gotten more, but there were people . . . everywhere . . . I mean everywhere.

We arrived well before the ceremony so I took the opportunity to capture the decorations.

Yes, this candle is crooked.

Yes, the aisle and the center of the stage were not aligned. I though it was my position, ten pictures later I realized the aisle was off.

The coloring is off in this picture, my blog is doing something weird, but I really liked the aisle and wanted to show it!

Live greenery?

So many flowers!!

Cameras, everywhere! Supposedly the ceremony was both online and on tv?

Big screen for viewing

Groom

Father and Bride

Bride and Groom

Dessert table

The chocolate truffles were so amazing!

Typical Jakarta traffic jam with the food table, people going both directions from both ends of the table…yeah.

Choir at the luncheon reception for entertainment of guests waiting in the receiving line.

No Place Like Home

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 14:20:00 +0000

I have these days, like today, where an irrepressible longing for home rises up in my soul. A longing to watch the last rays of sunshine dance across a clear sky before hiding behind the mountains. Or to walk the streets of my little town, tucked between fields of golden wheat. A longing to drive up to my parent's house wrapped in fog, windows glowing in the dark. To open the front door and be met with the scent of brownies wafting from the oven. A longing to feel arms wrapped lovingly, protectively around me. I have these days where this longing for home commands complete residency of my heart and mind. A thought about any other subject simply cannot reside. There is no section, no corner of my heart left, for other feelings to occupy. It is painfully full, threatening to burst without cure.

If only I were Dorothy so I might click my sparkly red heels and whisper, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home." It's not that Indonesia is bad, in fact it is good in many ways, but its just not home. I am a foreigner, or as Indonesians say, a "bule." Try as I might, I do not fit in. Darn freckles and white skin. Indonesia holds parts of home with fellow college graduates, dear friends, and of course Jif peanut butter, but still it isn't home. I am not home, in fact, none of us are.

As children of God, this earth and all it holds, is not our home. Paul tells us that our citizenship is in heaven (Philippians 3:20). Through Christ's death we are "no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household . . . with Christ Jesus as the chief cornerstone" (Ephesians 2:19-20). We don't belong down here on earth. We won't fit in, we shouldn't fit in. Our lives should be so entirely different the world recognizes immediately we are foreigners. We are "aliens and strangers in the world" (1 Peter 2:11) set-apart for Christ. Earth may hold glimpses of heaven, but let us "not love the world or anything in the world . . . for the world and its desires [will] pass away" (1 John 2:15,17). May we wait in eager expectation, even groaning inwardly like creation, for the world to pass away. Our hearts, our minds, completely focused on that day. The day of "our adoption of sons, the redemption of our bodies" (Romans 8:23). The day we meet our Saviour. The day when we shall finally go home.

"But, our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body." Philippians 3:20-21

I can't wait. Can you?

Transformation

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 15:31:00 +0000

Lately, I seem to be on a roll of doing abnormal things. Yesterday, it was cooking a pumpkin. Back in November, I purchased two pumpkins (yes, they have pumpkins in Indo) in an attempt to make life feel "Fall-ish." When December came I put them on top of the fridge and quite forgot about them until this last week when I discovered one was rotting (gross). Thus, yesterday I mustered up the courage to cook the second one.

Cooking this pumpkin was no walk in the park. First, I had to chop off the stem. It sounded easy enough, but I soon found myself hacking at it wishing I had a saw or something of the sort. After successfully removing the stem and cutting the pumpkin in half without losing any fingers, I had to scrape out all of the seeds.

I then sliced the pumpkin into smaller chunks and baked in the oven until the skin easily peeled away.

The pumpkin "flesh" was then put into the blender and I started the battle of turning it into puree. Blenders and I don't seem to get along. I'm forever and always stopping to mix it with a spoon or add more liquid. At some point I thought maybe I should have mashed the pumpkin by hand, but eventually I had pumpkin puree.

Of course, I then used to make pumpkin bread.

Now, don't worry, my blog is not morphing into a baking blog. I just wanted to share a thought I had while baking this pumpkin. You may think its silly or over "spiritualizing" a daily task, but I have to share. It speaks for what God has done in my life. Here it goes . . .

There I was desperately trying to chop the pumpkin into pieces half laughing at myself, half muttering frustrations. At one point I thought "this is hurting me worse than the pumpkin!" Right then the thought hit me that this situation reflected God's work in our lives. Lamentations 3:33 says, "For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men." God's heart breaks over judgement. Just like chopping up the pumpkin was hurting more than the pumpkin, we are not the only one touched by discipline or judgement. Yet, "God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness (Hebrews 12:10)." The Lord disciplines those he loves, whom he calls his sons. Discipline is what trains us, it is what produces a harvest of righteousness (Hebrews 12:11). Chopping up the pumpkin was a necessary step to get pumpkin bread, just as discipline is a necessary part in our spiritual transformations.

I have been thinking a lot about the transformations that have taken place in my life as I have read about Much-Afraid and her journey to the High Places. I remember being a teenager who functioned in fear. Like Much-Afraid, I lived among the family of the Fearings. I feared leaving home, growing up, starting life after college unmarried, finding a job, living alone, living overseas . . . I had so many fears. Today, with God, I have lived out almost every single one of those fears. Guess what? It hasn't been easy, but I'm okay. No, more than okay, I'm full of joy. God transformed my heart full of fear into a heart full of peace. All by myself, I never could have changed my fearful heart, neither could the pumpkin cook itself. This is just ONE of the many ways I have been transformed through God's power.

Before I started chopping up the pumpkin I knew exactly what I was going to make it into: pumpkin bread. In the same way, God knows exactly what he is going to transform us into. He chops us up, scrapes out our seeds, removes our skins, adds to us, and turns our best parts into something wonderful. There is an enormous difference between the pumpkin and the pumpkin bread, yet its essence is still the same. I will always be the same person, but God's transformations have changed me drastically for the better.

When we find ourselves in discipline may we remember that it is a part of the transformation process. May we trust in the God who's heart breaks over judgement, knowing that he is purposeful with an end in mind. May we allow ourselves to be transformed.

Between the Valley and the High Places

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Thu, 13 Feb 2014 16:15:00 +0000

The other night I did something abnormal. I read a book. Yep, I am having extra time these days! I've been reading through a book my best friend gave me called Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. The book is an allegory and so far it seems to reflect much of my life. It is "the story of how Much-Afraid escaped from her Fearing relatives and went with the Shepherd to the High Places where 'perfect love casteth out fear.'"

Much-Afraid is first introduced as a servant of the Chief Shepherd despite her crippled feet and crooked mouth. While she loved serving and pleasing the Shepherd she continually felt ashamed by her disfigurements. One day, her relatives came to her demanding that she marry her cousin Craven Fear. Distraught, Much-Afraid immediately went to the Shepherd for advice telling him how much she longed to escape the Valley and go to the High Places away from the Fearings. The Shepherd replied that he had long waited for Much-Afraid to voice this desire and he wanted to take her there. Much-Afraid in disbelief doubted her crippled feet could make the climb, but the Shepherd told her otherwise. If Much-Afraid went with him, he would help her develop hinds' feet and heal her disfigurements. To do this though, she would have to be willing to be completely changed. This would mean taking on a new name and allow love to be planted in her heart. Much-Afraid agreed and so they started their journey to the High Places.

A short distance into their journey they came to a steep path at the foot of the mountains. The Shepherd turned Much-Afraid over to two guides: Sorrow and her twin-sister Suffering. At first, Much-Afraid was uncomfortable with her guides, but gradually she learned to put her hands in theirs accepting their assistance.

One day the path turned a corner revealing a dessert below. Much-Afraid stopped refusing to following Sorrow and Suffering any further. Distressed she called for the Shepherd, who appeared. Despairingly, she cried out, "I can't understand this. The guides you gave me say that we must go down there into that desert, turning right away from the High Places altogether. You don't mean that, do you? You can't contradict yourself." The Shepherd replied it was not a contradiction but rather a postponement for the best to become possible. Still in disbelief, Much-Afraid sobbed as she realized this was an indefinite postponement. It could "be months, even years, before that path [lead] back to the mountains again." Yet, the Shepherd asked her to trust.

Much-Afraid trusted, following Sorrow and Suffering through the dessert to the shores of the great sea of Loneliness. Initially, Much-Afraid only noticed the lack of life and dreary grey sea, but with time she found beauty in the small things. The way the sun broke through the clouds transforming grey landscape into greens and blues or the moanful cries of the sea gulls above. A new joy rose in her heart causing her to laugh again despite the loneliness.

Yet, she wasn't completely alone, for her relatives had caught up with her. Resentment, Bitterness, Pride, and Self-Pity confronted Much-Afraid with assaults in hopes she would give up her journey and return to the Valley. Worn out, Much-Afraid called out for the Shepherd who rescued her. She asked the Shepherd why she couldn't escape from her relatives horrible suggestions. He answered, "When you wear the weed of impatience in your heart instead of the flower Acceptance-with-Joy, you will always find your enemies get an advantage over you."

I can relate to Much-Afraid's journey along the path of indefinite postponement through the dessert and along the shores of the great sea. It was hard to go down that path with Sorrow and Suffering, away from the High Places, away from the blessings I thought God might have in store for me. Like Much-Afraid the trials changed me and taught me many lessons. Yet, as a new joy began to creep into my heart I found with it came impatience. With this weed of impatience came the assaults of resentment, bitterness, pride, and self-pity. I've walked this indefinite path long enough. I deserve redemption for everything I've gone through. These enemies have surely got the best of me at times.

One of my favorite books of the Bible, James, says, "Count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness, and let steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing" (James 1:2-4). James goes on to say, "blessed is the man who perseveres." This perseverance or endurance is a hopeful patience. Job, a man who knew suffering like no one else, is commended by James for his perseverance. James says, "You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful."

What a great reminder. God is purposeful, compassionate, and merciful. Resentment, bitterness, pride, and self-pity would have us think that somehow God does not have our best in mind. Surely, he cannot know what is best for us. The assaults of these enemies, strip us of our trust in the Shepherd. I think in the dessert of our trials, when we are so weak we cannot stand, we have to be utterly dependent upon the Lord, completely trusting. There comes a day though, as we walk along the shores of the great sea that the sun comes out and we find ourselves stronger than before, limping less and less. This moment is where our trust is perhaps the most fragile. This is where resentment, bitterness, pride, and self-pity attack.

I want to have the response of Much-Afraid at these critical moments. To lift my face to the sky and cry out with all the breath that is in me for my Shepherd to come to my deliverance. When I realize the weed of impatience has grown up I want to put my hand in the Shepherd's and say sorrowfully,

"You are quite right. I have been thinking that you are allowing me to follow this path too long and that you were forgetting your promise. . . . But I do tell you now with all my heart that you are my Shepherd whose voice I love to hear and obey, and that it is my joy to follow you. You choose, my Lord, and I will obey."

Riding on Top

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Fri, 24 Jan 2014 10:59:00 +0000

It's Friday afternoon. The sun is almost cutting through the Jakarta haze and my step is light. I'm riding on top. No longer crushed under a pile of a million and one things, but rather sitting on top of pile of a million and one things. I don't know when it happened, but there came a day when I realized I was "making it" here in Jakarta.

Maybe it was the magical 6 month mark of living in a foreign country, or perhaps knowing how to get a taxi and buy groceries coming back from Christmas holiday. It could have been the day I ceased to feel that lingering sense of doubt when teaching my math classes. All of these are possibilities, but I think its because I'm further on this journey of letting go.

Contrary to my perfectionism, I'm not always 100% planned for class, my apartment sometimes goes more than a week without a mopping, I quit doing the homework I assign my students, and I now feel "ok" saying "I don't know" to a question a student asks. I even go out to take a picture of a man riding on top of garbage sacks on a Friday afternoon.

Why am I blogging about this? I want to praise God. I want to acknowledge his work in my life. I could be trapped in the label, the box, "perfectionist." After all, it is my natural tendency not something I chose, but I'm not! I want to thank God for not leaving me stuck there, but graciously helping me learn I can live outside the label. God is bigger than my characteristics.

I am also blogging about this because I want YOU to praise God! Many of you have been faithfully praying for me as I teach here in Indonesia. Well, God is answering your prayers. I am understanding more of the content and actually sleeping. On my best days, I even feel a little bit confident as a teacher :) So, thank YOU for praying and praise GOD for answering! With his grace being enough and his strength in my weaknesses, I'm riding on top.

"Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me." Psalm 54:4

New Year, New Me

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Tue, 14 Jan 2014 17:48:00 +0000

It's been two weeks, how are you doing on those New Year's resolutions? Do you find yourself losing determination? Lacking the motivation to carry out what you felt so strongly about just fourteen days ago? Or perhaps you are doing AWESOME because you didn't even make resolutions!

Lots of people choose not to make New Year's resolutions, they don't believe in them. Resolutions are seen as a waste of time and effort because the majority of them fail. Supposedly, a mere 8% of people successfully achieve their resolution (1). So then, if you can't keep it, why make it, right? Some are even suggesting that New Year's resolutions are bad for you because they damage your self-worth:

"If your New Year’s resolution is to eat less, but you have no plan in place — or even if you do have a plan and you fail — you will do damage to your sense of self-worth. If you already have a complicated relationship with food, your likely coping mechanism for failure is eating more food. Thus the New Year’s resolution to eat less can actually result in your eating more. " Jessica Lamb-Shapiro

It is true, nothing magical happens from December 31 to January 1, you are still the same person and because of this many people struggle. New Year's resolutions often fail because the changes desired are too abrupt, or too large (2). You start off the new year strong but as time passes your resolve weakens and soon you've failed. Due to this you may think you are weak, lacking in self-control. Next time, if you just try harder, if you just have more will power then you won't fail. After all, "where there's a will there's a way"...or is there?

In her book, Idols of the Heart Learning to Long for God Alone, Elyse Fitzpatrick addresses the topic of our wills and why our actions fail to meet our words.

"The difference between what we say and what we do is not because of our wills per se. Our wills are functioning the way they were meant to. The contradiction is between our words and our strongest desires. Our wills follow after the erroneous thoughts and sinful desires we delight in."

Our will is not broken. Quite the opposite is true, it is working in top notch condition choosing our strongest thoughts and desires. In fact, our will reveals what we believe will bring us the most happiness. It shows us what is going on in our mind (thoughts and beliefs) and in our heart (longings and desires).

"As you see, the problem is not that we need to develop more willpower. The problem is that we need new thoughts, new inclinations, and new desires. We don't need to learn how to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps or "gut it out." We need to seek to replace our sinful passions with holy ones. When God grants these new holy passions to us, we'll find that our will, which seemed so weak before, will joyfully comply." Elyse Fitzpatrick

Trying harder is not the solution to achieving your New Year's resolutions. It's not about fixing your will; its about fixing your beliefs, your affections, your mind. When your thinking changes your choices will change. This is what Paul discusses in Romans. He said, "Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires" (Romans 8:5). He goes on to say, "Do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is" (Romans 12:2). Living out the Spirit's desires, God's will, requires that the mind is renewed.

So how do we go about renewing our mind and changing our desires? I mean, it seems impossible that I could stop desiring chocolate. Well, Psalm 1 says a man does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, or stand in the way of sinners, or sit in the seat of mockers, because he delights in the law of the Lord and he meditates on it day and night. Psalm 119:11 says "I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." It seems that what we fill our mind with will shape what we believe and desire. This is why we are encouraged to "take captive every thought" (2 Corinthians 10:5) and replace it with what is true, nobel, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). It is truth that will set us free (John 8:32), renewing our mind and desires, to change our behavior.

Personally, I like New Year's resolutions. I think we are naturally wired for beginnings. There is a beginning every day with a sunrise, a beginning in all of the Mondays we dread, and after winter a thousand beginnings as the earth awakens. As Christians, we had a new beginning in Christ, the old life was gone and the new had come (2 Corinthians 5:17). Some day we will even have a new heaven and a new earth (Isaiah 65:17). Beginnings bring hope, thus its good for us to begin again each year with resolutions. After all, "if you aim at nothing you are sure to hit it."

With the first couple weeks of the year behind us, its only going to get more difficult to keep our resolutions. The majority of us will probably experience failure to some extent, but before we think, "If I just try harder..." or blame our will power, lets ask ourselves what we are thinking. What have we been filling our mind with lately?

Resources:
1. http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/
2. http://www.healthline.com/health-news/fitness-why-most-new-years-resolutions-fail-010214
3. Idols of the Heart Learning to Long for God Alone, Elyse Fitzpatrick
4. http://www.desiringgod.org/sermons/the-renewed-mind-and-how-to-have-it
5. http://www.khouse.org/articles/1996/277/
6. http://www.khouse.org/articles/1996/278/

I'll Be Home for Christmas!

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Tue, 17 Dec 2013 14:18:00 +0000

I'll be home for Christmas

You can count on me

Please have snow and mistletoe

And presents on the tree

This year I am receiving the best Christmas gift (other than Jesus) that I have ever received, a plane ticket home!! My holiday vacation is not very long, less than two weeks, but it will be well worth it. I fly out on Saturday and would appreciate your prayers as I have a lower back injury that is aggravated by prolonged sitting. Also, this will be my first time flying solo internationally :)

It's been five months since I first arrived in Indonesia and I definitely haven't been able to spend as much time as what I had planned taking photos. However, I thought this would be a good opportunity to just share a little bit of what I've experienced and seen.

Sunrise at Borobudur Temple, Jogja, Indonesia

Borobudur Temple

Worker in a silver factory

Lunch on the street

Everything, everything, is Hello Kitty, even in the taxis

Window looking out from the Old City Hall in Batavia

Sunset at Pramadan Temple, Jogja, Indonesia

Nasi Goreng, the most popular dish of Indonesia. This meal was under a dollar.

Tatoo artist at night market, Jogja, Indonesia

Dishes on the street

Street vendor

Transportation

Woman grating coconut in a courtyard

Blind man in the market

Typical squatting position

Sunset at Pramadan Temple, Jogja, Indonesia

Working Out Flaws

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Sun, 15 Dec 2013 16:06:00 +0000

I'm a perfectionist.

I use to say that with a bit a pride. It meant I was detail oriented and a high achiever. Good right?

Sometimes. Maybe.

I've come to learn my perfectionism extends beyond results and achievements. It effects the way I think, feel, and act. Never has that been more apparent then in the last six months of my life.

Everyday my perfectionism comes out in my teaching. On the surface level it means a document must be in the same font with the same indents or an answer key must be neat without mistakes. Deeper down, it means I fight the feeling of failure and not measuring up.

This school year has been a struggle. I want to be the perfect teacher. I want to know my content inside and out. I want to reach every student's needs. I want to connect with the students outside of the math content and build relationships. I want to have no mistakes on my exams or worksheets. I want to have meaningful activities for my students. I want my students to like me. I want to teach in a way that my students are engaged, excited to learn. I want parents and coworkers to think I'm knowledgable. I want to know the answer to every question, especially the questions I assign for homework. I want to help students be the best they can be. I want to be the perfect teacher.

I can't. I never will be.

Oh, I have tried. I have tried really hard. Yet, I can't reach my expectations, my goal. I have felt like a failure at the end of almost every day. The standards of my administration or fellow co-workers don't seem to matter, I didn't reach my standards. This has left me stressed, insecure, even discouraged.

I'm a perfectionists.

No longer is there any pride in this statement for me, rather there is weight. The weight of my expectations and the fear of failure that accompanies them. My perfectionism is more of a hindrance than a help. Not a strength, but a weakness. I remember back in college when I received my first B I thought to myself, I have officially conquered my perfectionism! That was only the beginning. Here in Indonesia I have felt the Lord working on this flaw and its painful.

Often we think after overcoming a struggle or a trial at one point in our life we can check it off the list. We've learned our lesson, right? Not always. In my life, God seems to come back time and time again to work out my flaws, those struggles that are at the root of who I am. It's a process.

Here in Indonesia, there is a process of decorating textiles through printing in wax known as "batik." To begin, a design is drawn onto the cloth. Next, wax is applied to the cloth following the design by either using a cooper stamp or a wax pen. The cloth is then dyed coloring the whole cloth except for the waxed areas. The cloth is then waxed again to hold the color of the first dye to some additional portions of the cloth. A second dye is then completed dying all but the waxed areas of the cloth. The wax is then removed with hot water, scraping, and sponging. Depending on the design, this process of waxing, dying, and removing wax is repeated multiple times.

This is how God works on us. He has a design a plan of what he wants us to be. We are "created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (Ephesians 4:24). God wants to work out our flaws, he wants to make us like Christ. To work out our flaws we may have to be waxed, dyed, and scraped many times. At various stages we may not even resemble the final product. In the middle of the wax being scraped off it may be painful or time consuming. However, we have a promise from God that he will complete what he has started. Philippians 1:6 says, "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." We are his workmanship.

So maybe I learned how to let go of homework in college, but the Lord is again at work on my perfectionism. Gently he has reminded me how he longs to set me free of this. In 2nd Corinthians, the apostle Paul talks about a weakness, a thorn in his flesh. When he prays to the Lord to take it away God responds saying, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Paul then comes to this conclusion, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I am not the perfect teacher. I can't always meet my own standards or other's standards. I am weak. However, I feel as if the Lord is saying, "Karissa, my grace is sufficient for you." My value is not in my performance as a teacher, it is in Christ. Being a perfectionist it is not hard for me to see my weakness, but the question is will I allow Christ to be my strength? Will I allow his power to fill the gaps I have, will I allow his grace to be all that I need? Can I exchange my own expectations, the performance I place my value on, for Christ's glory? I want to say yes. I want to delight in my weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties so that he is glorified. I want it to be about him and not about me.

Working conditions.

Design stage.

Wax

Copper stamps.

Dye

Working conditions.

Finished product

Finished product.

Lombok

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Wed, 11 Dec 2013 15:35:00 +0000

This last October I had an opportunity to visit one of Indonesia's many islands, Lombok. There are so many interesting things you can do in Lombok, however I spent my two days just hanging out at the resort by the pool and taking pictures of beautiful sunsets. Maybe someday I will go back and book some tours...

Sacrifice

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Thu, 28 Nov 2013 17:44:00 +0000

It is loud. It is busy. Blood, warm and fresh, pools on the ground around bare feet. Children push to the front, standing on the fence, straining to get a better view of the slaughtering. The men's hands move methodically, quickly stripping each animal of its hide before moving on. The bull chewing cud in the corner is next, restrained with ropes its life is brought to an end. Its blood poured out. This is the courtyard of the mosque, the sacrifices of the Muslim holiday Idul Adha. It is how Muslim's remember Abraham's willingness to sacrifice his only son, Ishmael (not biblically accurate).

Seeing the sacrifices in the courtyard of the masque for Idul Adha made me think about the sacrifices in the OT temple. I've always had this picture in my mind of the OT temple being sort of like St Paul's Cathedral in London -- big, open, clean, quiet, beautiful. I mean after all, the supplies used to build the temple were cedar, pine, bronze, and gold. Carvings and engravings of cherubim, palm trees, open flowers, lions, and wreaths decorated the walls and doors. There were even pillars with tops shaped like lilies surrounded by pomegranates. Everything was made of gold: sprinkling bowls, wick trimmers, lamps, tongs . . . everything (1 Kings 5-7). However, I think the temple was much more like the mosque I visited for Idul Adha and much less like St Paul's Cathedral.

At Idul Adha it took at least half a dozen men to hold the ropes for a single bull to be slaughtered. On the day Solomon dedicated the temple there were twenty-two thousand cattle and a hundred and twenty thousand sheep and goats sacrificed as fellowship offerings (1 Kings 8:62)! It must have taken hundreds of men slaughtering from sunrise to sunset to accomplish the offerings that day. The temple must have been a hoppin' place with all the sacrifices made on a daily basis. It must have been loud and dirty. With animal sacrifices there would have been no way to avoid the stench of blood and dung. Blood -- it must have been everywhere! In the tabernacle, the temple's precursor, blood was sprinkled on the sides of the altar, blood was sprinkled in front of the curtain, blood was put on the horns of the altar, and blood was poured out at the base of the altar (Leviticus 3-7). When Aaron and his sons were ordained they had blood put on their ear lobes, thumbs, big toes, and garments (Leviticus 8). So much for the starched white robes of holiness I imagined!

Women, in the same courtyard as slaughtering were cutting up the meat to sell or give to the needy. Really sanitary right?

While the courtyard of the OT temple may have been messy, there was a place set apart from the chaos and the noise. This place was known as the Inner Sanctuary or Holy of Holies. There the Ark of the Covenant was kept and only the high priests entered once a year (Hebrews 9:7). I saw this idea at the mosque as well. Through a doorway from the courtyard was a place set aside for prayer, a place of cleanliness, quietness, and beauty.

A sacrifice is a chilling event to watch. What moves and cries out in one moment has no breath in the next. After visiting the mosque at Idul Adha, I can no longer read the scriptures about sacrifices the same way. A sacrifice is messy, awful, and such a high, high payment. One life given for another. Christ came to be a sacrifice, my sacrifice. Hebrews 10:10 says, "We have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all." Willingly, out of love for us, Christ suffered the brutality of crucifixion. He endured a flogging so severe he medically should have been at the point of collapse or death. He was then forced to carry his own cross and was nailed to it until death. This sacrifice was horrific and bloody.

Today is Thanksgiving and I am first of all thankful for Christ's sacrifice on my behalf. The animal sacrifices were never designed to remove sin, but rather to remind us of our sin and the debt we owe (Hebrews 10:3-4). My sin, offensive to a righteous God, had payment. It was not a clean or quick payment, it was barbarous. His life for my life. His breath for my breath. His blood for my freedom. I am SO thankful. I owe him EVERYTHING! I needed this reminder today, to be once again awakened to just how great a price Christ paid for me.

Lord, help me grasp just how much you have done for me. Make the gravity of Christ's sacrifice fresh in my mind. Do not let me become accustomed to it. Do not let me take it for granted. Remind me oh Lord, that you took my place that it may spur me on to live radically for you. Amen.

Below are some pictures of more localized cultural customs being mixed in with Idul Adha:

Bare feet . . . Indonesia.

We talked with these girls for an hour or more.

Mountain of food, given to the poor

Supposedly, these were baskets full of sticks that symbolized fertility or something...?

Everyone racing to get their stick of fertility, haha, I really don't know what the sticks were for but everyone wanted one!

Batavia

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Mon, 25 Nov 2013 12:17:00 +0000

Wow this post is a long time in coming. Back in September, at least I think that is when it was, I took a trip into Jakarta to tour the old city, Batavia. Through out history Jakarta has been under the control of various colonies and had many names. During the time Jakarta was under the Dutch colonial empire it was known as Batavia. I believe today when someone refers to Batavia they are specifically referring to a portion of Jakarta surrounding the former city hall pictured above. While my friends and I were there with a national friend, a true Indonesian who could tell us the history, we were immediately swept up by a "tour guide."

Right from the get go I could tell this would be no ordinary tour and was I ever right! I mean this was my first tour where I was referred to as "my sister." His name was Jansen. We went from one room to the next. He was a fireball of energy. He sang, he saluted, he squatted, he jumped, he mimicked a mosquito, there was nothing Jansen would not do. His dramatic expression was certainly helpful as his accent was thick. For most of the tour I felt as if we were playing an intense game of charades. Every now and then a word would pop out that I understood like, "Obama," or "superhero," or "Madonna." In fact, I am not even sure how much of the tour was about Batavia . . . anyways, I found myself always staring intently at Jansen trying desperately to make sense of what he was saying. Thats when it happened. He called me a tiger! I know right?!? He said my eyes were intense and I could control others with them. Oh my. I began to feel as if maybe this was not a real tour, especially with all the glances we were getting from other people. Finally, after what seemed like an hour our "tour," or rather game of charades, came to an end. Of course, we paid Jansen, but found out later there are no tours for the city hall. That's Indonesia for you :)

At the end of our tour Jansen took us to where one of his friends was making traditional puppets. If I had written this post sooner I might have remembered something about the puppets, but I don't. I do know that they are quite time consuming to make and the detail on them is amazing. You can shine a light behind them and have a puppet show on the wall. The story that goes with the puppets is some how connected with Hinduism, but I don't remember the details.

In addition to looking through the puppet museum and the former city hall we went to lunch at Cafe Batvia. So now I can say that I have done something that was in a travel book! I tried my first gado-gado which is kind of like an Indonesian salad. It consists of boiled vegetables served with a peanut sauce. Afterwards, we went to see the Monas which is Indonesia's national monument. It was built shortly after Indonesia obtained independence as a symbol their fight for freedom. Unfortunately, it was closed and we were unable to climb to the top.

My day in Batavia was fun. It was so different touring an Indonesian museum. There were ropes, but no one paid heed to them, I mean Jansen even started to take apart one of the bed frames!! There were no camera signs, but everyone was taking pictures. I learned that you pay someone to help you park or to pull out into traffic. Things here just constantly amaze me. I'm certainly having an adventure!

Do you like how "secure" this is? Haha.

Bikes for rent, with matching hats!

A puppet made from the wrong material will eventually bend.

Beautiful details

Borobudur

noreply@blogger.com (freckleface.runner) — Sun, 03 Nov 2013 18:16:00 +0000

Two weeks ago I had the opportunity to see the sunrise from the top of one of Indonesia's ancient temples, Borobudur. The 9th-century Mahayana Buddhist temple, located in Central Java, is Indonesia's most visited tourist attraction. As I wandered around Borobudur's walkways, I was amazed at the intricate wall carvings. I realized this temple had been a place of worship for an untold number of people. A place of pilgrimage and spiritual significance. Being a polytheistic religion, Buddhists worship numerous gods. Looking at the 500+ Buddha statues on Borobudur, I thought how difficult it must be to have so many gods. I found myself thankful I worship only one god . . . or do I?

This last January I started reading Idols of the Heart: Learning to Long for God Alone, by Elyse Fitzpatrick. Since reading this book I have learned my heart is not as devoted as I would like to think. The greatest command in Scripture, according to Christ, is to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind" Matthew 22:37. That is to love God with every single part of your being: thought, affection, and will. This is the action for keeping the first commandment given to the Israelites, "You shall have no other gods before me" Exodus 20:3.

Certainly, I do not have carvings on the side of my apartment building. There are no lions guarding my door or headless Buddha's sitting on my coffee table. So what do my gods look like? How do I know what they are? Fitzpatrick describes a god as something which we believe will:

bring us happiness or joy
calm our fears
make life meaningful
bring desired benefits

"Idols are the thoughts, desires, longings, and expectations that we worship in place of the true God"(Fitzpatrick, 23). What do I think I must have to be happy? What does life seem unbearable without? What do I think will bring life purpose or meaning? What do I fear losing or never having? These questions challenge me. Taking a closer look into my heart, I realize there are so many idols that reside there. In fact, I don't think I can go a day, even an hour without one of them popping up. If the first commandment was the only commandment that existed, if that was the only thing I ever had to keep, I'm doomed. It doesn't matter how hard I try, I consistently and continually fail to follow that one single command. Even when my actions appear good, I find idols lurking in the motivations of my heart.

These gods, or idols, I worship are not physical and therefore difficult to identify. Like the worn stairs at Borobudur reveal the path taken by worshipers, my sinful habits reveal the trodden path to my idols. "The worship of idols is the reason we're discontented, and it's why we disobey God" (Fitzpatrick, 27). There is a reason why the first commandment was to have no other gods. If God is first, if we truly love Him our whole being, then everything else falls into place. "This is love for God: to obey his commands" 1 John 5:3. It is through my sin that my idols are revealed.

So I find myself no better than the Buddhist making a pilgrimage to the top of Borobudur. My gods, the things I worship, are real and numerous. Yet, I am with hope. James says God yearns jealously over the spirit he has made to dwell in me (James 4:5). God wants me to love him and he knew I would never be able to do this completely with all my being because of my sin nature. Therefore he sent his son, Christ Jesus, to pay the penalty for my failure to keep the first commandment. I am no longer condemned (Romans 8:1-4). Thus, I will follow James' advice:

"Submit yourselves, then to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up." James 4:7-10

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