Author Phil Torcivia's Blog

How to fib on Facebook.

2012-02-22T13:59:00.000-08:00

Not that you'd ever do such a thing. You're entirely too honest and sharing. Yet, you must admit there are lighter lies, which should be deployed in order to duck a stalker, avoid hurting someone's feelings, keep from being scolded like an infant, or having children/roommates/crooks take advantage of your absence. Facebook enables your fibbery (new word). You simply need to know what's involved in concocting the fabrication.

Please allow Attorney (not) Phil to guide you.

Step 1: Do not allow anyone to tag you without your approval. You'll get yourself into enough hot water; you don't need some hyper-photo-active nitwit to tag you in an unflattering photo. Examples I've seen mostly involve restroom stalls, unsightly stains, or exposed parts of your body you'd rather not have exposed. Alt+Tab over to Facebook right now and click the down triangle on the upper-right, Privacy Settings, Edit Settings next to How Tags Work, then turn on Timeline Review and Tag Review, and turn off Friends Can Check You In. That should partially cover your mischievous little butt.

Step 2: Misdirection. You don't actually need to be in a certain place to claim you are there. Let's say your mother has been eying your wine tower, discovering the vodka in the freezer, and plotting an intervention. This is not good. One must drink. If you continually check in at pubs, clubs, and wine bars, you're going to feed her neuroses. She's going to vent to your father about her displeasure with your activities (probably in a foreign language) and, since his gene pool will be implicated, he'll be displeased with your Facebook-documented binges. Hence, tag yourself at church, a homeless shelter, or library. Make sure any associated photos don't include purple tongues, martini glasses, or beer bongs.

Step 3: Use code words for certain activities that only your closest friends know. This is important. Your boss or perspective employer will check social media to see if you're a miscreant and, although they won't admit it, they will judge you thereby. (I proudly admit that I am a scoundrel and I don't give a doo-doo because I'm the boss of me.) So, when you post a status update, use code words. Here's a handy guide I'll license you for the fee of one chilled tequila with lime and salt:

Bar -> Office
Dancing -> Working
Doing Shots -> Making Copies
Buying Shoes -> Visiting the Fruit Stand
Getting Laid -> Bowling
Watching Porn -> Sorting Recipes
Hangover -> Migraine
Public Urination -> Watering the Lawn
Vomiting -> Talking with an Old Friend, Burt
Masturbating -> Doing Laundry
Wine Guzzling -> Making a Stew
Hair Removal or Trimming from Privates -> Vacuuming
Smoking Weed -> Baking
On the Toilet -> Taking Your Children to the Pool (WARNING: This only works if you have brown children or white poo.)

Let's say you spent last night getting hammered at an Irish pub, you don't remember how you got home, and you woke up with your underwear in your pocket. You can't very well post that, now can you? Instead, post "I woke up with a migraine, but after sorting recipes and doing laundry, I worked it off at my office. Right now I'm making copies and hoping to go bowling later tonight."

When I was your age ...

2012-02-17T14:36:00.000-08:00

You spoiled little shit with a warped sense of entitlement. As you skate down the middle of the road in your unlaced hundred-dollar sneakers while staring at messages on your iPhone, I'm driving behind you seriously considering nudging you back to reality with my bumper. Do you have any sense of what your parents--who you supposedly hate for never letting you do anything--went through when they were your age?

iPhone? We didn't have any damn iPhone. We had party lines and greedy siblings who sat on the phone for hours listening to a friend breathe because there was no text messaging back then. In order to place a call, here's what I typically had to go through:

[Click]
"... and Donna told me Keith has crabs ... wait ... did somebody just pick up the phone? Hello-o? I'm on the phone."
*sigh*
"I know you're there. Get off the phone. Maaaah-ahm, Phil won't hang up."
"Phil, hang up the phone until your sister is done."
"But, Mom ..."
"Now!"
[Click]

Ten minutes later ...
[Click]
"... kissing and were using tongues. Ew! I know! Hold on, I think my creepy, retarded brother picked up again. Hang up the phone, dickbreath!"
[Click]
"Mom, what's a dickbreath?"
"WHAT?!"
"Sis called me a dickbreath."
"Young lady, don't make me come in there and take away your phone privileges."
"But, Mom, he keeps picking up and being nosy."
"Phil, stop interrupting your sister and you stop calling him names."

This would go on for hours and all I wanted to do is check if my buddy got Reggie Jackson's rookie card. Imagine that, you little prick.

Plus, you get to throw birds and shoot zombies on your phone. You know what we did back in my day? We played Pong and Pacman. Bink bong, bink bonk. Wah ka wah ka wah ka. Does that sound like fun?

And, what's that hanging out of your back pocket behind your knee? Is that a Powerbar? Poor baby. You know what candy I had access to?

Necco Wafers - Tasted like drywall.
Sweet Tarts - Made my mouth bleed.
Candy Cigarettes and Gum Cigars - What a great fucking idea!
Flavored sugar in a paper straw, which clogged before I was halfway through.
Chewable wax filled with sugary water.
Tums - Easy to steal, tasted like candy, gave me the squirts.
Baseball Card Bubblegum - The flavor lasted four to five seconds.
Bottle Caps - Eroded the roof of my mouth like hot pizza.
Candy Charms - We would wear them on our wrists all day. Very unsanitary.
Jujubes - Cavity filling extractors.
Razzles and Blow Pops - Kind of candy, kind of gum, kind of gross.

Look at the toys you have nowadays. I had clip-on skates (which fell off constantly), a worn down basketball, and a wiffle ball covered in tape that we'd hit with broomsticks. Fun stuff, huh? We amused ourselves with Clackers, which would splinter and send shards of glass flying. Then we'd borrow Pop's magnifying glass and burn things, including each other. Yet, the most fun we had involved a roll of cap gun caps, a hammer, and a sidewalk. We'd slam the caps with the hammer, they'd explode sending bits of gunpowder, paper, and pavement into our eyes, and our ears would ring so loudly we couldn't hear our parents calling us (by yelling, not by phone) home for dinner.

Oh, my childhood was a blast.

How long after a breakup must you wait?

2012-02-16T11:36:00.000-08:00

Is there a certain resting period required after a relationship ends? Are we like microwaved food, dough, or wet paint? I think not. If your man gives you the heave-ho, you're free to go, Sugartoe. The minute you receive that icy message--"I think we should see other people"--consider yourself released and free to entertain other options.

Men have foolish pride, so it rarely works out that way. Clyde gives Bonnie back the keys to her vulva hoping she doesn't hand them to Mr. Next too soon. That's nonsense. If Clyde can't commit, she can and should begin healing immediately, and if such healing requires the touch of another man (or woman), it's her right to solicit such.

Ah, but friends complicate matters further. One day after Clyde tells his buddy, Jackson, that he's cut bait, Jackson runs into Bonnie looking better than ever with a new suitor in tow. Jackson fancies himself a New Age Columbo, as he fires up the photo app and sends incriminating (?) photos to Clyde.

"Check it out, dude: Bonnie is already with another guy."
"That fucking whore!"
"I know. Man, I'm sorry. She's heartless."
"I bet she was banging that guy all along. That's why we were having so many issues."
"No doubt. But, wait, you broke up with her, right?"
"Yes, I did, but you don't see me out poking some new skank. I'm home alone healing."
"You want me to go confront her?"
"No. I'm coming over."
"Cool. I got your back, bro."

It's senseless. All logic has been purged from men who think this way. Who's to say the new guy isn't her friend, for example. I play the role of healer often. I get to play pool and provide emotional support and encouragement. I don't get to play hide the pepperoni. The last thing I need is for her ape-ish ex to attack me for dressing the wounds he inflicted.

Men, when you relinquish your woman, you relinquish your right to control her or be jealous of what she does and how long she waits to do it.

They're called fears for a good reason.

2012-02-14T14:01:00.000-08:00

Everyone has fears and most of those fears serve a purpose: keeping us from doing stupid things. Yet, we all have that New Age nuisance in our lives who encourages us to face our fears. A perfect example is Ben from The Bachelor. Last night he forced a woman who is afraid of heights to jump from a helicopter into a 500-foot-deep pool of water, and another woman who is afraid of sharks to swim with, naturally, sharks.

Beyond the obvious production value of these asinine feats, there is romantic logic at work. Doing something dangerous raises your heart rate and releases adrenaline. It naturally bonds you to the person guiding, encouraging, or protecting you. Once the fear is overcome and the feat is accomplished, there's a foolish feeling that together you can achieve anything.

Sometimes the fear is baseless and silly. When Ben and one of the ladies were dropped onto a deserted island, she expressed fear and concern. Most of us were aware they were not actually alone, as somebody had to be there to hold the fucking cameras. Right? (Sorry, I haven't had my nap yet.)

If roles were reversed and I was being encouraged to face my fears by The Bachelorette, things would go down a bit differently.

"Hello, Phil. On this date we're going to climb to the top of the Golden Gate bridge."
"Oh, that's a good one. You have fun. I'm heading to Napa. Let me know when you've crossed that bridge."

"I realize you're not a great swimmer, Phil, but let's snorkel with sharks and stingrays."
"Sushi."
"What?"
"That's about as close as I'm going to get to touching a murderous fish."

"Oh, look! It's a spider. I think it's a tarantula. Let's play with it and name it."
"Let's leave it alone and instead I'll name you. How about 'Whoretney?'"

"Surprise! We're going to dive and catch our own lobsters."
"No, you're going to dive and catch our dinner while I blog about how I got stuck with such a prehistoric putz."

"Let's ride bikes into a village where nobody speaks English."
"Great idea, Lance. I'll hold the camera while the savages have their way with you."

"Let's go skinny-dipping! It will be so romantic."
"I'm sorry, do you not see the four (high definition, no less) cameras behind us? I may have a semi-firm tush, but nobody wants to see my bouncing nad bag as I run into the ocean for cover. Plus, you'll probably hang all over me, causing alternating shrinkage and growth which will eventually lead to my being dragged out to sea by the undertow as I drown on national TV. In other words, not happening, Sugarbean."

If you really want to help me overcome my fears, ladies, imagine I'm afraid of dying from over-ejaculation.

Words to use between the sheets.

2012-02-13T13:58:00.000-08:00

Are you a bedroom introvert or extrovert? I'm referring to verbal skills as opposed to oral or physical ones. If your partner is tossing a variety of compliments your way you can't lie there without reciprocating--unless you have a mouthful. You can be proactive by using lines before your partner does and score points for originality. This is important, people, pay attention! Look how haywire things can go if you're unprepared.

"Oh my God."
"Yes."
"That's right, Baby."
"Mmm."
"I love your penis."
"Me too."
"Huh?"
"I mean I love your ... um ... insides?"
"Yes, yes, give it to me."
"I'm giving it to you."
"Fuck. Oh, yes."
"Yes."
"It feels so good."
"I know."
"God, you make me so wet."
"You make me so wet with your ... wetness."

"CUT!"

Where's the originality? Where's the sincere appreciation within the verbal volley? They'd both enjoy it more if he were mute. In his defense, I need to ration my blood between brain and love muscle, so witty retorts aren't always easy to come by. One needs to tread lightly on the freaky fringes as to not cause offense.

Some women don't mind being fucked like a dirty little schoolgirl and others will react by undocking and leaving him dangling.
If you ask, "You like that, don't you?" there's always a chance your partner will say, "No, not really, now that you mention it."
"Who's your daddy?" never works. Never!
Even if she actually works in such capacity, it's probably not a good idea to refer to her as a ho.

What's inevitable is one of the lovers will say something to the tune of "You're so hot." You can't respond with, "No, you are." Here are your choices:

"You're so sexy."
"You have an amazing body."
"I love the way you feel."
"I wish I could spend the entire night inside you."
"Did you catch the score of the Suns game?"

Conversation Starters for Strangers

2012-02-12T15:13:00.000-08:00

We've all been placed into that awkward situation where we meet new people and need to strike up a conversation to convince them we aren't catatonic. Depending on the role this new person plays, you need to alter your strategy. I've included a handy guide, which you should save to your phone and deploy the next time you're introduced to a stranger, suffer the silence, and are tempted to deploy that game-ender, "I got nothing."

If the new person is a mating option, topics include:

What's your favorite (proceed in this order, please) mixed drink, dessert, movie, book, pet, vacation destination, lubricant, vibrator, sex position, morning after pill, and taxicab service?
Are you sleepy/menstruating/ovulating/spermulating?
Are you here with your spouse?
Have you recently parted thigh for any of my acquaintances?
Do you work out?

If the stranger is a parent of the mating option:

What brought you to this country?
Was your daughter/son a problem child?
Were there any forms of physical torture deployed during your child's upbringing?
Have you tried the knish here? I'm sorry. Do you know what a knish, ish? (Tee, hee.)
Say, are you on Facebook?

If the stranger is the ex of a mating option:

Is there anything I should know? Seriously. Why are you smirking?
How large is your penis/vagina?
Are you on any prescription medication?
You look familiar. Did you pull me over last week?
No hard feelings, right?

If the stranger is an unattractive friend of a mating option:

Rough night?
Who drove?
What do you think of my buddy? Can you manage to become sufficiently interested in him/her to avoid cock-blocking me all night?
I bet you can't chug this entire Long Island Iced Tea. Wow! OK, double or nothing?
I'd totally be hitting on you, but you're too cute for me.

If the stranger is a coworker of a mating option:

In your opinion, who's the office slutbag?
Has your friend told you about how awesome I am in the sack?
You look so familiar. Did I see you in a Tostitos commercial?
Do you ever look at porn on your office computer? Know any good sites featuring Ukrainian women and summer squash?
Are you hiring? Hell no, not for me; my roommate has been freeloading.

See that? Isn't it better than standing there smiling and scratching your butt while trying to come up with something as your mating option wanders off to the restroom? You're welcome.

Beware of the conqueror.

2012-02-11T12:29:00.000-08:00

Men love challenges. Wise women present themselves as marvelous prizes to be earned. Nobody likes a pushover, except after a long drought. So, it all adds up: You want him; he wants you; you wink and run; he chases; you slow; he catches; you reward; he feasts; you bask in the afterglow. Then, he leaves behind a rotting carcass.

What the heck just happened?

You've been conquered.

I'm sure I've done this. I'm not proud because it's a mean thing to do. The game isn't supposed to end with a satisfied hunter who leaves such a mess behind. The bountiful relationship should be shared and rationed to last. Some people are greedy. Or, maybe it's fear arising from the realization that the good fortune could be fleeting. It could also be pride guiding the hunter to seek even more elusive prey.

If you're a woman in a power position, you're going to have men looking to conquer you. It's like that silly carnival game of ring the bell. He wants to ring your bell, Sugarwell, and prove his worthiness and proclivity to the other hunters. Don't feel cheapened. Don't feel used. Don't feel naive. It's all part of the dating jungle game. Shrug it off and use your scent to attract the next hunter. Eventually, you'll encounter the wise beast who knows how to share and ration.

Financially successful, popular, and powerful people are prime targets. Their skepticism keeps most hunters at bay. Yet, some sneak through. If the hunter is given a taste and then kicked aside, the hunter leaves dejected and often becomes obsessive. This makes the kind prey sad and tempted to give in to something unhealthy. How do we strike a balance?

Don't be discouraged and shut down. Look for the signs. After the first (always a bit awkward) night of nookiness, if the hunter hides in his cave, it could be because:

He's embarrassed about his performance.
His recent ex isn't completely out of the picture.
You two didn't connect emotionally while connecting physically.
He freaked out because he had low expectations but it was wonderful, which he wasn't ready for.
You've been conquered.

Good luck figuring out which is the case.

What should you leave or take?

2012-02-08T13:47:00.000-08:00

There's a famous scene (well, famous to most Italians) in The Godfather where Peter Clemenza says, "Leave the gun, take the cannoli." Peter obviously enjoyed his food and there was no blood spatter on the fine dessert, so I understand. When I leave my nest, I often run that thought through my mind as I decide what to leave and what to take.

For example, if you go to a bar that is foolish enough to serve Moscow Mules in a lovely brass cup, you're probably going to leave a tip and take the cup. The bar owner knows this, yet ginger spiked urine is all that is typically left.

When you visit a house party, what do you bring, leave, and take? If you're slick, you can manage to do your eco-best by bringing a nice bottle of wine, leaving a dirty wine glass, and taking home tomorrow's hangover. You might also take home:

An intoxicated woman with a certain itch,
A decorative spoon, as a souvenir,
A covered plate containing your next three meals,
Liquified shit because the host left the deviled eggs out too long,
Fun, blue pills you found in the master bath,
Unwelcome dog fur,
A refrigerator magnet since you can rarely buy just one,
Business cards for people who selfishly see house parties as prime opportunities to "network," which means begging you to give them money for something you don't want.

When you go to your office job, you should:

leave a mug, take the paper clips.
leave food you don't want to eat, take food other people left.
leave post-it note penises on pictures in neighboring cubicles, take the pictures of your homely pets and children back home.
leave an extra shirt in case you spill, take Splenda packets.
leave the coworker's vagina/penis, take yours.

When you stay in a hotel for business, you should:

leave a mess, take the maid's tip.
leave a sock (you're going to do it anyway), take some towels.
leave a stain on the comforter, take a Purell bath.
leave toothpaste dots on the mirror, take the cute little soap thingies.
leave someone else's neglected spouse, take your anonymous identity.

None of this requires a fancy derby or hungry Clemenza. Give and take wherever you go and keep the scales of visitation balanced.

Sorry, my dear, that is never a turn-on.

2012-02-06T14:54:00.000-08:00

Bukkake (pronounced boo cock key) is either a Japanese method of serving an assortment of noodles or a facial, so to speak. I am admittedly a twisted, demented, and crass person, who befriends savages because they amuse the pee out of me. I'm desensitized to people like me or nicer. I need to be around beasts. My pal, Ronnie, needs some major therapy because he loves the bukkake.

"Dude, nobody--not a single woman on this planet--likes having a load blasted into her face."
"I know. It's the married ones."
"How did I know you were going to twist that?"
"What?"
"Single or married--none of them likes it. In fact, it's probably one of the biggest turn-offs."
"How do you know?"
"Because I talk to women, as opposed to spraying them like driveway dirt."
"Whatever. I get off on it."
"OK, I'm putting on my therapist's hat now. You have some issue where you feel the need to demean women."
"I don't think it's demeaning."
"A woman kneeling in front of you with goo dripping from her eyebrows and nose isn't imagining she's a princess about to be whisked away in a horse-drawn chariot."
"I usually keep a towel handy. It isn't like she needs to walk around with her eyes pasted shut."
"What do you get out of it?"
"I'm not sure. I just love it."
"So you purposely withdrawal and launch semen soup onto the poor unsuspecting woman's face?"
"Yep."
"Why don't they duck?"
"Good question. Maybe they enjoy it."
"Not possible. I think they're momentarily stunned by your cock Taser."

I've had some errant goo fly and it can be comical, especially when it creates a rope bridge across her lovely locks. It must be accidental, however; or it's completely bizarre. Man goo can land on sheets, pillows, carpets, counters, and apparel, but nothing from chin to forehead. If your man is into this sort of thing, I suggest you put an immediate end to it. Here's Dr. Phil's suggested treatment:

Make a nice dinner, complete with fancy linens and china.
Flirt, tease, and giggle during dinner.
For dessert, heat up some tapioca pudding; lukewarm is best.
Sit on his lap and tell him to close his eyes because you want to feed him.
Ask him to open his mouth.
Make motorboat or airplane noises as you loop a heaping tablespoon toward his mouth.
Splash him between the eyes with it.
Laugh, grab your iPhone, take a picture, and email it to his mother.
Enjoy many goo-free nights henceforth.

If it doesn't work, take the pudding, leave the boy.

Are your friends annoying as paparazzi?

2012-02-03T12:19:00.000-08:00

Sally has lost all of her interpersonal skills. She now resides within social media. She checks in everywhere, tweets hourly, and is constantly snapping iPhone pictures and uploading them. You used to like Sally and enjoy her company. You now consider tossing her phone into a margarita blender.

She always wants to pose with you when you're not feeling at your best. Then, she hands her phone to a gap-toothed cretin who hasn't progressed beyond a flip.

Sally returns to pose, hugging you a bit inappropriately.
He points the iPhone the wrong direction. Sally corrects him.
He counts to three and pushes the edge of the phone. Sally corrects him.
He counts to three, but at two Sally stops him because he's covering the lens area.
He counts to three and nothing happens, so he turns the iPhone around to investigate; it flashes in his face; Sally now has a picture of his nose. Sally tells him there's a delay.
He counts to five, thinking that would solve the timing issue. The phone flashes at seven.
Sally takes the camera, checks the photo, and realizes you had your eyes closed. Your drink is nearly empty and you'd rather suffer an under-nail splinter than a retake.
He tries again, but someone walks in front as he takes the picture.
He tries again, but an idiot is holding rabbit ears up behind your head.
He tries again, and you sprint away before she can force another shot.

Sally spends close to five minutes posting the photo to Foursquare and Facebook while tagging everyone within a twenty-foot radius. You're notified on your phone. Your mother texts you suggesting you may have a drinking problem. "Thanks, Sally."

A nice gentleman approaches and asks the usual questions a stranger poses to someone he'd eventually love to penetrate. Sally notices and screeches about how cute you two are. She deploys the dreaded iPhone and demands a photo. The new guy stands next to you and smiles. That's not good enough for Sally.

"Come on, you two. You're acting like strangers. Get closer."
"Sally, I just met him."
"We're all friends here. Hug her, Mister ... hey, what's your name?"
"Trevor."
"Hug her, Trevor. She's a hottie."
"All right."

Great. You permit the cuddle. One picture isn't enough. She takes six, thinking she's doing you a favor. Sally needs a beating. Sally remarks about what a nice couple you make, but she doesn't show you the pictures, which she posts and tags. You receive a text message from your mother reminding you to use condoms. Your ex-boyfriend sends you a text calling you a heartless skank-ho. You leave the bar and plot your revenge.

How to escape a boring conversation.

2012-02-01T14:50:00.000-08:00

Aren't you more easily bored as the days pass? You're becoming selfish about your ever-dwindling time left on this spinning blue marble. When someone begins a long story, you ache for the punchline that will set you free to revisit your favorite bartender.

Some people live for being on stage; that doesn't mean you need to join the audience. When the babble begins, here are simple ways to remove yourself:

Fake a sneeze and make sure a booger dangles off the tip of your nose like a disease-ridden pendulum.
Begin tweaking your own nipples.
Unlock your phone and continue your Scrabble game. Interrupt and ask what four-letter word you could make from the letters N-W-A-Y.
Tug your undies from your butt crack and then sniff your fingers.
Look around and say, "What's that smell? Is it blue cheese stuffed olives? I must have one right this second or I shall perish."
Laugh before the punchline, spit up a little, and run to the restroom.
Ask the speaker to hold that thought while you search your purse for earbuds.
Blow bubbles through the straw in your mojito.
Yell, "He shoots; he scores!" (This works best if there is a TV in the vicinity with hockey, basketball, or soccer playing.)
Floss.

In case you're wondering if you are one of the offending parties (just wondering suggests you probably are), before continuing the extended rant, see if the subject of your dissertation is any of the following:

Your children, pets, or coworkers.
A picture, video, or cool app on your phone.
The election.
Church.
Hot dog ingredients or the caloric content of anything.
An odd-looking mole you found on the back of your neck.
Plants.
Any TV show from the 90s.
How much money you saved by ... anything.
The weather.

If it's on the list, stop immediately, apologize, and fetch a round of shots--not the cheap, fruity kind either--for those you have offended.

This is national low-tolerance month. Do your part.

Do you let your spouse off the leash?

2012-01-29T11:42:00.000-08:00

The more married women I meet, the more I appreciate my vacancy. When a husband lets his wife off her leash for the weekend, it makes me wonder:

Is he secure enough in their love and commitment to give her space?
Has she been annoying the heck out of him about putting down the remote, taking out the garbage, and emptying the dishwasher?
Does the husband have a little side thing going?
Does she really have a husband or is she playing games?
Is the husband aware that she's out on the town, tossing back fruity shots like Fruity Pebbles?

Well, the best way to find out is to ask, right?

"How did you obtain the fun pass, Sugarlass?"
"We've found that spending weekends apart brings us closer together."
"Ironic and interesting. How so?"
"It gives him space to watch his porn and gives me space to, you know, have space."
"Tired of catching him making belly puddles?"
"No."
"Tube sock babies?"
"Ew, no."
"Sofa stickies?"
"Look, I don't mind. I've told him I'd watch it with him if he really wanted me to, but he doesn't."
"Well, at least he probably shaves his entire groin, makes funny sex faces, and manages to keep his bunghole out of the closeups."
"Sounds like you know a lot about porn."
"I find it contains great tips on how NOT to treat a lady."
"Really? So, how do you treat a lady?"
"I love to talk, read her poetry, tell her how beautiful she is, kiss for hours, nibble her earlobes, massage her feet, and ..."
"Right."
"What? You don't believe me? I'm hurt."
"Sexually. What do you so sexually?"
"After a three-month courtship and mutual commitment to monogamy, I become her personal orgasm delivery person. I even wear little brown boxers and flex my sweaty biceps. Now, would you kindly sign here for me?"
"You're silly."

Relationships aren't complicated; they're weird. Maybe it's a California thing. I can relate, Jim Morrison, people are strange and I am stranger.

How to craft a rejection letter.

2012-01-26T10:18:00.000-08:00

If you're female, you have many daily opportunities to refer to this guide. If you're male, you're probably going to begin hearing many of these excuses. I'd bet the average woman is propositioned three to four times daily, with most of solicitations originating from men who'd never get to touch anything beyond her oil filter. Pity, although at least women have options.

It's important to be kind. These men don't realize how repulsive they are. They assume that you got all dolled-up to attract their attention. (As if.) Be gentle. Help the monkey off his high horse without shoving him into a pile of manure. If his advances continue, all bets are off; nail his pecker to the floorboard.

So, the next time he comes a-calling, especially via text or email, try this:

Dear [insert name of not-cute-enough guy],

I'm [flattered/stunned/covering my mouth to prevent spewing my chardonnay] by your proposal. Ordinarily, I would enjoy having [coffee/dinner/sex] with you, but at this moment, I am:

[Insert all that apply.]

Married
Seeing someone
Not over my ex
Pregnant ... with twins
Swearing off penis
Looking for a job in Madrid
Not [thirsty/hungry/horny] enough
Concentrating on my [career/children/crossword puzzle]
Involved in a serious relationship with my Netflix queue
Not drunk enough to get past how unattractive you are
Caring for a sick [parent/child/vagina]
Working in the same building as you, which makes this extra-creepy
Half your age, Grandpop
Desperate, but not quite on my deathbed yet
Not looking for another pet to take care of
Plotting the extermination of all men with soul patches, hairy backs, and boat shoes
About to pass out from the scent of your Axe Body Spray
Considering adding your blood to my collection of victim slides
Speechless

I do appreciate your asking. That must have taken some [tequila/foolish pride]. I have [cute/horny/desperate] friends who might be interested. Can I set up you? Do you have any [cuter/blacker/richer] friends--not for me, of course--for my friends?

Here [hand him a bar napkin]. No, don't write on it. I thought you were tearing up. Sorry.

Anywho, this has been [lovely/awkward/disturbing]. You're such a [nice/super/not entirely hideous] guy. Have a wonderful day.

Yours [truly/unimpressed/hating life right now],

[Insert some woman's name, not yours.]

Do you create your patients, Doctor?

2012-01-25T13:42:00.000-08:00

You've heard of firemen setting fires, right? How about doctors creating patients? Therapists driving people crazy? It happens, and probably more often than we'd like to think. I see it in the dating pool. People are not playing nice. Some are making a splash and some are holding others down.

Although I don't float well, I'm the Michael Phelps of the dating pool. Fine, the Mark Spitz then. I know how to avoid the mischievous little pricks.

For example, I had a woman grill me last weekend. Every question she asked me began with "What's wrong with you ...," although she didn't speak the words. She tried to make me the patient so she could play doctor and fix me.

"[What's wrong with you?] Don't you want to have a girlfriend?"
"I don't need a girlfriend."
"But, [what's wrong with you], don't you want one?"
"If someone comes along in a situation where we can enhance each other's lives, I'll consider it."
"You'd 'consider' it? [What's wrong with you?]"
"Yes."
"[What's wrong with you?] Wouldn't you like a partner to have sex with regularly?"
"Yes, but I don't need one ... yet."
"Yet?"
"If my dry spell extends into the warmer months, I'll have to make some sacrifices."
"[What's wrong with you?] You mean you'll go visit a prostitute?"
"I can find amateur ladies who need lovin'. There's an entire neighborhood of sex-starved, neglected wives less than five miles from here."
"[What's wrong with you?] You'd sleep with a married woman?"
"Not my first choice."
"That's awful. [What's wrong with you?] Don't you have any morals?"
"Fewer every year. I think I'm growing out of them."

She was badgering me, trying to create the bad boy she could tame. Not happening.

There's another type of woman, with similar tactics. Yet, I suspect these women are unaware of what they're doing. I'm referring to the motherly type. When they find a man they like, they look for neediness they can address. If the man is secure, the motherly woman feels worthless. Ironically, needy men will eventually drive her crazy, she'll swear off them, and wind up right back with another needy Ned.

"I like to cook. You should let me make you dinner."
"That's very nice of you. I also like to cook. I'll have you over."
"Um. OK, I'll make us dinner at your house."
"No, silly. I'm the host. I'll make you dinner."
"Well, I'll bring wine and bake a lovely dessert. What's your favorite?"
"I have a full rack and frozen cookie dough. You'll be my guest and your company is all I need."
"I'll bring cat toys for Syd and Symon."
"I already live in a cat house. They're fine. Just come wearing a smile."
"You probably enjoy doing laundry and ironing too."
"As a matter of fact, I do."
"Hm."

At this point the motherly lass finds excuses to back out. She needs to be needed. I want to want. How do these life puzzle pieces ever fit together?

Does what you watch define who you are?

2012-01-24T09:04:00.000-08:00

Being unaware of something doesn't make a person superior. Still, people will use that angle to involve themselves in a conversation when they should be listening instead. In Pulp Fiction, this situation is handled brilliantly:

Vincent: I don't watch TV.
Jules: Yeah, but, you are aware that there's an invention called television, and on this invention they show shows, right?

Why can't people admit to doing or watching certain things? We all fart, pick our noses, and watch shows that don't make us smarter. So what? Why deny it? Look at all the money these shows make. Somebody is certainly watching them, and the viewers can't all be dolts.

Here are the top things people deny doing:

Watching The Bachelor, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and Project Runway.
Watching sitcoms.
Watching the news.
Watching TV in general. The person who tells me she doesn't own a TV had better have a huge Lego collection or an extraordinary dildo.
Driving while drinking, texting, or eating.
Burping, farting, yanking, flipping, scratching, sniffing, singing, and talking to pets when nobody is around.
Using Facebook and Twitter.
Watching funny YouTube videos at work.
Playing online games.
Using porn, whether video or written form.

People around me quote Seinfeld constantly and refer to the characters. I don't watch the show; never did. Yet, I am aware of it and the premise-less premise. When I confess to never watching the show, I get grilled.

"Who on earth hasn't watched Seinfeld?"
"Me, on Uranus."
"You, of all people, would love the show. You write comedy."
"Can't do it. The dubbed-in laughter makes me crazy. I don't like being told when to laugh."
"What? Still ..."
"I'm aware of the show. Carry on and quote away. I'll not interrupt you and decide for myself whether it's worthy of a reaction."

The next time someone is mid-story, don't slow the flow by pleading ignorance. You'll delay the punchline and annoy the speaker. Open your ears and close your lips around the straw that leads to the substance that makes everyone more interesting.

Why do drunk women make out?

2012-01-22T10:44:00.000-08:00

You're having a family gathering and the kids are playing in the family room while the parents chat. One of the mothers realizes the kids are being remarkably quiet, for being kids. Upon investigation, Mommy notices the reason: They're playing house with dog kibble and decorative coasters. Before Mommy does something rash, Daddy asks her to weigh the silence against the possibility of bodily harm or damage. They concur; the children carry on.

This is similar to how I feel when I'm at a nightclub around inebriated women left unattended by their husbands. I'm the daddy who doesn't want to spoil the fun.

After a few triangular glasses are emptied, the carnage ensues. Daddy likey. Wife #1 says to Wife #2, "I bet you're a great kisser. Men don't know how to kiss. I love the soft lips on a woman. Guys have itchy fur around their mouths."

I took no offense.

Naturally, it was time to lip-seal the deal and the two women went at it like teenagers under football stands. I sat next to the show, giddy like a kid with his first scooter. As they got busy, Wife #2 grabbed my thigh and squeezed. I felt like the branch held between a soldier's teeth while he's having a limb amputated.

"How'd that work out for you? Is she a good kisser?"
"Oh, yes."
"All right."
"You're going to write about this, aren't you?"
"Only if you two involve some breast fondling in round two."

I was only kidding but I turned out to be kindling, as they went at it again. I looked around the club, wide-eyed, hoping my fellow swine weren't missing the show. A few men noticed and smiled like they found a beer geyser. Many women noticed and wrinkled their noses like they found a skid mark in the guest bathroom toilet.

This playful fun went on for hours. The group planned to taxi back to birthday girl's house later that night. I was invited, yet I passed. I deserve a gold star for having such restraint, but I fear I'll receive a rainbow-colored one instead. I've learned to leave, create my own reality, and avoid regret and armed spouses.

Proper ways to deal with an ass.

2012-01-21T11:38:00.000-08:00

She was grabby with my buddy. I should have been proud of my pal as they walked arm-in-arm in front of me. Yet, the overly analytical side of me thought, How far we've come, as she gradually slid her hand down his back and cupped his cheek. An uninvited move like that on his part could have landed him in the clink. She had gender specific immunity.

I should have been paying attention to a number of other things, but I'm obsessed with courtship so I kept watching and missed out on the ocean breezes, yellow moon, and puddle I stepped in.

Women grab ass cheeks differently than men do. She went straight down the crack and grabbed the middle. Hm. She may be kinky--into the stinky pinky maneuver. Some men are into that. I'm not. I would have squeaked, vocally.

When I grab a butt, I go more for the outside lower quadrant. (Look for a future infographic on the topic.) I squeeze gently as I would a grapefruit. At home games with no fans in attendance I may creep toward the lower, inner quadrant and mix in a diddle or two. That's tough on the elbow and wrist. Perhaps if I wore a bowling glove it would stabilize my wrist. Heck, I'll try anything once.

My pal did not return the squeeze, mostly because he's six-foot-many and she's five-foot-few. He had to settle for the tender skin on the back of her neck. A bold move would have included a backhand. (I was watching tennis while filtering wine through my liver, hence the reference.) He could have sneaked from her neck over her trapezius, across her sternocleidomastoid, down her pectoralis major, and landed on her left boobius niceus. That would no doubt cause rotator cuff tenderness with a good chance of nipplicus erectus.

Alas, he remained a gentleman as she groped his glutes, be-bopped his bunghole, and made me giggle.

She had a clump in her pants.

2012-01-18T17:28:00.000-08:00

It was outrageous. I couldn't stop staring. It wasn't a camel toe or moose knuckle either. Perish the thought. No, she wasn't a he. No, I'm not gay for lingering on it.

When you spot something odd, what do you do? You investigate. You try to find the reason why the odd thing is where it doesn't usually show up. That was the case in the sauna. A young woman (oh, don't get all wadded up; she was older than twenty) entered wearing a bikini and something was out of place. I used my peripheral skills to no avail. Then, I tilted my capped skull down far enough to keep her from seeing my eyes and, yep, there it was: a clump. No, not a clump of fur. A clump--a clit lump. This maiden had a calamari-ring-sized clit.

M-m-meaty!

OK, so I'm a pervert. Look, I didn't poke it. I'm just sharing a story. What if one of my readers had a clump? Wouldn't she want to know? I hear marathon runners put band-aids on their nipples. Shouldn't the clump keepers wear a pad or duct tape? Then again, I wasn't offended by it. There was, perhaps, a bit of curious stimulation as I envisioned tongue-jabbing that flesh bulb while she hummed the theme to Rocky.

Gosh, I need some serious therapy.

I do prefer the clump to the slice. The slice, especially when clean-shaven, is creepy. It's kind of Barbie-ish. There should be puffy outer lips, pliable inner limps, and--sure, why not?--toss in a clump for good measure. That would make it easier to find and, thus, a happy Phil.

I'm fifty. I need cheaters. Wearing cheaters to bed is not sexy.

And, please stop with the bleaching of the balloon knot. It's supposed to be as it is and, unless you're on channel 3952, no man should see it under bright lights. Leave it be.

Fine. I'll stop staring and move on to the treadmill.

What are you crying about?

2012-01-18T10:18:00.000-08:00

Are you watching The Bachelor? What's with all the crying, fainting, and cattiness? Is it the alcohol? Even Ben is starting to wear on me. The producers sure know how to whip these kittens into a frenzy.

I appreciate an emotional woman--to a point. I don't want to be on a date sitting across from a plank with a Sharpie-drawn face. I want smiling, laughing, and occasional frowning (those hidden by Botox need not apply). There should be gesturing. Show off those pretty nails, Tiggerpoo. Lean in toward me, touch my hand, wink, giggle, and be animated. But, please, don't overdo it.

One of the ladies this week got so worked up she fainted. That's fucked up. If she passed out because she put a hurting on Don Julio, I'd applaud it. She fainted because she was worried about not being selected. Her fainting probably sealed that deal. Sure, there's pressure involved when millions watch what amounts to a playground kickball team selection replayed every week. Nobody wants to go unselected. Still, should you be losing consciousness over it? I think not. Take a fucking chill pill, or get your medicinal marijuana card, you weak-kneed ninny.

My man, Ben, is transforming from a nice guy with horrible taste in women, into an arrogant lip-smacker with an artificially inflated ego and horrible taste in women. When a dozen prime vaginas are tossed your way, it's natural to feel a bit godlike. Still, he's tongue wrestling every woman in the house, without flossing or Purelling his face. (Maybe that goes on off-camera, but I doubt it.) I'd expect a few of these women to block Ole Plunger-Face after seeing him slobber on the competition.

Like in previous seasons, many of these leaky-eyed drama queens claim to be falling in love. How is that possible? Even if they were fed cocktails laced with oxytocin, Rufinol, and fireman sweat, there's no way they'd be falling in love after some brief meetings spread over a few weeks. They may be falling in love with the idea of falling in love in front of a huge audience and the possibility of fame dollars. They're not falling in love with Shaggy, the winemaker. I call shenanigans.

This drama feeds into the corruption of the nice guy. One smitten kitten curls up under the covers and weeps. The producers grab Ben and shove him into the room. Ben plays hero, dries her eyes, tells her it will all be OK, and then kicks her sobbing ass to the curb in front of millions. Nice.

Another woman is upset because nobody likes her--which she brought on herself--so she hides in the corner of a room behind luggage and sniffles. The producers shine the bachelor light and shove Ben into the scene to save the day. Oh, how I wish he would have (gently) slapped her on the butt and told her to snap out of it. But, no-o-oh. Instead he consoles her, reinforcing the hero image.

Yes, it's TV. I understand. Many of my mating targets watch it, so I have to fucking deal with it. Piss me off. It's hard enough to get past their cat allergies. I don't want my women playing victim to see me don the cape. Ben's converting me into a prick, vicariously. Perhaps, chick lit would cure me.

DILLIGAS - Do I look like I give a shadoobie?

2012-01-16T13:47:00.000-08:00

It's time to stop giving a shit and taking shit from others. If you care too much about something you have little control over, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. I say, stop caring. Does this bother you? It shouldn't because the new you doesn't give a shit, remember? Good!

You must not give a shit about the following:

The weather
The stock or housing market
Television shows
Gas prices
Sports teams, athletes, race car drivers, tennis players, golfers, jockeys, and the like
Politics and politicians
Celebrities

You can be entertained by them. Heck, you can root for or against them. Just make sure it's minimal shit you give.

One of the most important things to not give the slightest shit about is what people think of you, unless they are paying you or sleeping with you. You can't control the critic's taste, so why should it concern you?

"You hurt my feelings."
"No, you decided to let your feelings be hurt."

This includes rejection. The less you care about rejection, the more opportunities you'll have. When you ask for something and you're denied, shrug and move on. If you're paralyzed because you give a shit, you'll hesitate or avoid asking, which will definitely cause disappointment (nasty shit).

"Would you like to have dinner with me?"
"Um, yes, but I have a boyfriend."
"Um, bullshit, but if you do, he's not invited."
"What?"
"You're lying because you don't want to hurt my feelings. You're not attracted to me and, this may come as a shock to you, but I really don't give a shit. If you were attracted to me, you'd say yes and we'd have a lovely dinner and sweaty sex ... eventually. Alas, you're not attracted to me, so I wish you and your make-believe boyfriend all the best. Gotta go."

If somebody starts to give you shit, leave. Don't defend yourself because that will create the conflict the shitter seeks. Say goodbye, about face, and exit. The shitter will probably call you a coward, but you won't care, because you don't give a shit. Keep walking. The shitter might pursue you with text messages, emails, and phone calls. These are some of the easiest things to discard. Do not read them; do not respond to them; delete them.

The interesting thing is by not giving a shit, you'll become a more interesting person. In fact, I, for one, would love to meet you. Sure, some drama queens will call you aloof, but you won't give a shit. People will wonder how you achieved such enlightenment. They may assume a rich aunt left you some fuck-you money or you've been diagnosed with a terminal disease. This means they'll either expect a handout or feel sorry for you. You don't need another mouth to feed and you don't need pity. Let them wonder while you calmly float with me on the lake of tranquility.

Please put away the claws, my dear.

2012-01-13T13:53:00.000-08:00

What do you get when combine Simon Cowell, Gordon Ramsay, and a cornered tigress? You get a woman armed with wine and scathing remarks for any competitor in the vicinity. Dang, you shawties am brutal!

Admittedly, I'm not a fan of many people. Still, I can control myself and remain silent when criticisms boil up from the depths of my pool of sarcasm ... usually. Other times, I'll simply say, "He seems nice." That covers it.

We were tipping grapes last night with some fine specimens, when an alien cat strutted onto the scene. The claws came out and the victim was shredded from fifty feet. Fucking impressive!

"She has horrible hair. It's Jewish hair. Just awful. I bet she cuts it herself--with lawn shears."
"Did you see her tug her top down to expose more of her cleavage? What a tramp."
"Spray tans are so last summer. I mean, who has a tan in January?"
"I hope that's a skinny margarita she's carrying. Her muffin top is ghastly."
"She's probably here scouting for some rich, old man to buy her cocaine and hair extensions."

The fur--extensions or not--certainly was flying.

We, the penis toters, were fascinated by her brutality. We discussed whether we recalled taking similar jabs at our competitors. Not even close. We'll take shots at a strange man by concentrating on a small number of traits:

His bangs are Beck-ish and silly.
Who wears sneakers with suit jackets?
He's wearing a clip-on phone holster. He has never seen a vagina.
It must suck to be a gnome.
All the Tebow-ing in the world wouldn't gain him access to her end zone.

Women, on the other hand, go off on everything:

Her hair is as dyed and damaged as my grandmother's curio.
The reverse bob cut on her makes her look like a boobless Bob.
By the looks of her skin, she must tan in a microwave oven.
With all that makeup, if she slept over, in the morning you'd find a shroud of Turin on her pillowcase.
She has more spots on her chest than a leopard.
I don't know where she bought those boobs, but she should return them.
Why is she wearing her daughter's jeans?
I can see she failed her resolution already. She has a body by chili fries.
I guess her puffy ankles make it easier to float them over her head.
Her cloven hoofs are overflowing those ridiculous shoes she's wearing.

Mating war is bloody hell.

How can you tell if a relationship is serious?

2012-01-12T10:27:00.000-08:00

She sat amongst my team of barflies and bravely poked me with a stick.

"What's your story, Phil?"
"I'm happily single. You?"
"Single too. When was your last serious relationship?"
"Serious from whose perspective?"
"Huh?"
"Serious from the perspective of women I've dated? Your perspective? Mine?"
"You know what I mean."
"Not really."

I had to explain to Nelly the subjectivity of her question. I gave her examples. On a scale of one to five, five being most serious, here's my belief:

Having this discussion: 1
One-night stand, never saw each other again: 1.5
Three dates without penetration:1.5
I cook her dinner: 1.5
She cooks me dinner: 2
She watches me play baseball: 2
I encourage her from the sidelines of a marathon or other event: 2.5
I meet her family: 2.5
We vacation together: 3
She meets my family: 3
We have double-dates with her friends: 3
We bring each other around coworkers: 3
We simultaneously brush teeth in adjoining sinks: 3
We fart or pee in front of each other: 3.5
I walk her dog: 3.5
She spends an entire weekend at my house: 4
We agree to each have blood tests done to avoid those pesky condoms: 4
I hold her hair while she pukes: 4.5
Her pet spends an entire weekend at my house: 4.5 (unless it's a sea-monkey)
My bathroom contains her toothbrush (2), girlie soap (2.5), facial cream (3), makeup remover (3.5), tampons (4), underwear (4.5), or vibrator (5).
Her bathroom contains anything of mine, other than toilet rim pee spots and hair: 4.5
She gave up the butt: 4.5
I gave up the butt: N/A (because it's not gonna fucking happen)

I'm strongly considering laminating and inserting this list within restaurant menus. Much is lost in subjectivity. Rarely do I find someone--especially one with ovaries--who agrees with my definition of "serious."

Alas, my honesty and sarcasm left the lady unimpressed, unreceptive, and unmatable. So be she.

She tossed rusty daggers.

2012-01-08T12:01:00.000-08:00

Be careful how you jilt. Be gentle. The meaner you are--whether honest or not--the more difficult you're going to make it for yourself because you're eventually going to run into the jilted.

Hank sat next to me as rusty daggers flew past my nose. I felt her eyes and noticed Hank doing his best to hide in his wine glass. I peeked to the left and saw a woman with a disturbing combination of pain and anger. She must have been one of Hank's abandoned lovers.

"Ouch."
"What?"
"I think one of her daggers just wedged in my ear. Good thing I'm numb from the neck up."
"Who?"
"Right. Play innocent. I know my penis doesn't recognize her, so those evil eyes are for you, Hank."
"I was between relationships and I went there. She needs to get over it."
"It was a hit and run, right?"
"Exactly."

A man in this situation is skilled at post-coital extraction. You hear the urban myths about people gnawing off a limb to escape. Men like Hank can slide their arms from under the lover (the wet spot can be used for lubrication) and slither from beneath the eighteen sheets, comforters, and pillows without disturbing the nest. The most skilled can dress while heading to the front door and avoid stepping on the pug and stubbing a toe on a pointless piece of antique furniture. Not that I've ever done anything such. (OK, I am missing a toenail.)

"Damn, Bro, she's angry. What did you do to her?"
"Lots, physically."
"You definitely bruised her deeply. This was only one time?"
"Fine. Three times."
"In one night?"
"No, three different times."
"Oh boy. Your place or hers?"
"Mine, foolishly. In fact, she dropped a stack of love poems on my front step after a week of unreturned calls."
"Aw, how sweet is that?"
"Not very."
"Did you read them?"
"Hell no."
"Let's see if I can conjure up the type of poem she left."

Dearest Hank,

You're a heartless prick, with a tiny dick.
We could have been something divine.
You had your way, then left the next day,
and proved you're a pathetic swine.

Jilted

"Touching."
"I know. Hand me that bar napkin. I'm tearing up. How could you, Hank?"
"Shut it."

Matchmaker, Matchmaker bake me a cake.

2012-01-07T12:13:00.000-08:00

Do you have friends constantly trying to set you up? Have you tried online personals and dating services? Have you ever tried a matchmaking service? If you have, you know that none of these roads is likely to lead you to your soul mate, no matter what the ads and testimonials say. Your best bet is to get out there, get intoxicated, mingle, and have amnesia about rejection. It's trial and error, my sweet: Mix, fail quickly, and mix again.

Still, I was curious so ...

I did not meet with a matchmaker yesterday. She also didn't do a silly thing like ask a writer not to write about the meeting that didn't happen. She was cute (in my imagination) as she poked and prodded the defective merchandise (me) to see what his problem is.

Here are some typical questions that matchmakers ask (or, so I've heard) and answers that I might have given, if I were asked:

Why love now? Why not? Who doesn't love love? I could use more affection and sex and less manual labor, if you know what I mean. Still, I'm selfishly unwilling to change much about my lifestyle to accommodate a love monkey, just as I wouldn't expect her to.
Tell me about your most recent relationship and how it ended. We met in a bar, went on a few dates, and had almost-sex. Then the crazy texts, voice-mails, and emails ensued and I ran away like bear with his butt on fire. Now, I need to keep my head on a swivel when I'm looking for my next target so I'm not ambushed by yet another psycho ex.
Where are you meeting most of the women you date? In a bar and, before you start lecturing me, I like bars. I'm not an alcoholic (denial is the first sign), but I find social lubrication a valuable resource to pull me from my shell and inspire my musings.
Are you free of all baggage and ready for a serious relationship? Yes, I have no offspring, diseases, or jobs that require me to hop around the globe. I have two felines that are non-negotiable--all they do is sleep, eat, and shit anyway.
What type of woman are you attracted to? The naked type. Ah, I kid. I am attracted to fit, intelligent, kind women. A sense of humor is absolutely necessary. There are obviously different degrees of each of these traits, which can offset or enhance others. For example, a funny woman who has a few extra pounds on her goes well with the few extra pounds I carry during the winter months. I'm not interested in having a woman with exposed ribs raise an eyebrow at my Pizookie* while she nibbles kale.

I hear that these matchmaking services can run from $2000 on up to $100,000. Holy shit! I bet many matchmakers will use the line, "You can't put a price on love." Yes, I can. Tonight, I shall employ a reliable (and silent) matchmaker by the name of Uppercut Cabernet. This fine specimen will cost me under $25 and cause increased cuteness with a chance of loving every time I tip it.

*Pizookie: It's only the best fucking thing since peanut butter met chocolate. It's a pizza cookie! You're drooling right now, aren't you? I know! It comes in a mini metal pan and a variety of cookie types from macadamia to chocolate chunk, it's warm, and it's topped with a scoop of ice cream. Go to BJ's Restaurant and Brewhouse and try one. You're welcome, fellow chubster.

How would you act on The Bachelor?

2012-01-05T10:43:00.000-08:00

I watched my man, Ben, on The Bachelor this week. I'm glad the dude is getting some redemption after that heartless wench pulled him off his knees and diced his manhood in front of millions. He's a good sport considering he was totally set up. Really, Ash, you couldn't give him a hint?

It would be cool if they did a season with an old fuck like me. They'd probably need to put it on HBO as my filter has worn thin.

Chris: So, Phil, how do you feel? Are you excited?
Phil: I'm giddy as a dog at a Snausage buffet. These chicks better be hot and infertile.
Chris: Oh, I think you'll be quite pleased with our selection. Here comes limousine number one. Good luck, buddy.

The first limo pulls up and I can hear some squealing.

Bachelorette #1: He's so cute! I'll have him get rid of that goatee, though.
B #2: Quick, pass me the Veuve before it's my turn.
B #3: You whores better keep away from him. He's mine!
B #4: How's my hair?
B #5: Fuck, I thought it was Ames.

I stand on the driveway, which the producers at ABC decided to spray down with water. The limo door opens and the first bachelorette emerges, slips, and bangs her head on the door which dislodges her extensions. I try to not to laugh, to no avail. Cut to commercial.

The next woman emerges and approaches me.

B: Hi, I'm Brittney.
Phil: Hi, Brittney. What a lovely dress.
B: Thank you. You're cute. I know you're a writer, so I wrote you this poem...
Phil: Save it, Sugar. I have over twenty more women to meet. Just go inside and drink, please.
B: Um, OK.

Like Ben did, I spin to check out the hiney. Not bad. I give Chris a thumbs up. Chris gives me the cut-it-out sign.

The next bachelorette emerges. She's old.

Phil: Hold up. Nope. Get back in there.
B: Excuse me?
Phil: Look, Darling, I'm going to save you embarrassment. You won't like me. Get back in the limo.

Chris isn't happy with my shenanigans.

Chris: Dude, you're supposed to meet all of the women and do the eliminating at the end of the show. That keeps the sponsors happy.
Phil: She was like eighty, Fucknuts. What gives?
Chris: I'm the expert. Trust me. We need to mix in some sloppy messes with the good ones so the viewers are amused.
Phil: Fine. I'll play along.

The next woman emerges and she's lovely.

Phil: Chris, give me one of those roses.
Chris: What did I just tell you?
Phil: Give me one, Dickhead, or I'm just going to snap one off the landscaping.
Chris: That won't count.
Phil: You suck.
B: Um, hi?
Phil: Oh, hey. You know, please don't say anything else so I can savor this moment before you show your true stark raving mad emotional bitch side. Chris? The rose?
Chris: Not happening.
Phil: Goddamn it. Fine. What's your name, Sweetness?
B: You told me to be quiet.
Phil: Well, you get points for following directions.
B: Amy.

I drop to one knee and pull a ringpop from my pocket.

Phil: Amy, will you marry ...
Chris: NOOOOO!
Phil: What?
Chris: Jesus ... cut!