Love & Marriage

Marriage Problem Is Your Marriage Problem Severe Enough To Warrant Getting

2011-03-01T04:06:00.000-08:00

Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you're trying
to do all you can to make your
marriage work. Depending on how your
marriage was prior to thinking that
you had a marriage problem, you could
be in for a hurtful time if you don't
take a step back and look at your
marriage problem from a "helicopter"
viewpoint. To do that, you're going to
need to try to limit your emotional
stake in the situation which
admittedly is a difficult thing to do.

The first step in getting over a
marriage problem is to remember that
you aren't alone, lots of couples have
marriage problems that stem from all
kinds of different types of behavior.

Here's a partial list of marriage
problems that you may or may not be
experiencing:

Marriage problem #1: Lack of sexual
intimacy - a serious issue that you
must work through in my opinion if
your going to work it out.

Marriage problem #2: Exploding during
an argument, getting too emotional and
letting your temper get the best of
you - you need to learn to work
together and you can't do that if one
of you is getting too heated.

Marriage problem #3: Being selfish -
eventually this will catch up to you.
You should always think of your
partner when you think of yourself.

Marriage problem #4: Being dishonest -
another serious issue. If you cannot
be 100% honest and open with your
mate, you're marriage is most likely
doomed or at the very least unhappy.

Marriage problem #5: Teasing too much-
generally the husband does this but it
could go either way. If there's a
little bit of truth to the teasing or
there's a greater marriage problem
that incites the teasing, you could be
in for a long road to recovery
together. Chances are that you'll have
a lot more work to do to correct this
marriage problem.

Marriage problem #6: Not respecting
your spouse - this marriage problem
can result in all types of other
problems. If you are experiencing this
you must get to the root of this and
figure out why the disrespect is
present. If you aren't getting the
every day respect that you deserve,
make it a priority to not let this go
on another day.

Marriage problem #7: Not being
attentive to your spouse or not
listening to your spouse - men are
usually guilty of this marriage
problem but is isn't exclusive to the
weaker gender by any means. Really
listening doesn't mean obeying, it
means understanding what's important
to your spouse and acting accordingly.

Obviously there are many other things that could be labeled a "marriage
problem", you have to decide what
those are as they pertain to your
situation.

So, how do you figure out if a
marriage problem or problems are
severe enough to warrant a divorce?

You should first examine what your
marriage problem actually is and
decide if it is exclusively a problem
for you or if it is something that you
both consider to be a marriage
problem. If you are the only one who
sees the said action as a marriage
problem, you have to decide whether or
not that specific marriage problem is
being caused by you or whether it is
truly a problem brought on by your
spouse. If the marriage problem is
unique to you, seek some help from a
counselor and do yourself the courtesy
of trying to correct the problem
before you believe that you need to
run right out and get a divorce.

You'll be a better person for it
because you will have fixed something
within yourself.

However, if you truly believe that the
marriage problem is caused and
prolonged by your spouse, sit down
with yourself first and examine what
you believe to be the root cause of
the behavior that creates the marriage
problem. Make sure that you are being
logical when you identify the behavior
that you feel is causing the marriage
problem and try to recall if the
traits or behavior that you've
identified in your spouse
are 'fixable' in your mind...assuming
of course, that your spouse will agree
that you are right.

Next, approach your spouse with the
information that you've reflected on
and try to talk through the cause of
the marriage problem. Hopefully your
spouse will be open to constructive
discussion regarding the marriage
problem so you can work through it
together. If you cannot do work on the
marriage problem together, seek the
help of a mediator or marriage
counselor so you can actually talk out
the marriage problem logically. If you
cannot work it out after counseling,
deep self-reflection and discussions,
you should be able to decide whether
or not the marriage problem warrants a
divorce or not.

Of course, no one can decide this but
you.

Karl Augustine
http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com/marriage-problem.htm

Author of "A Practical Guide To
Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A
Divorce", the eBook recommended by
counselors to thier clients.
Proven "Actions Items" to help you decide!
marriage problem

View the original article here

Successful Dating And Marriage

2011-02-28T21:42:00.000-08:00

Chapter One

"In a high-divorce society, not only are more unhappy marriages likely to end in divorce, but in addition, more marriages are likely to become unhappy." -- COUNCIL ON FAMILIES IN AMERICA.

.................................................

When Japanese government officials conceived building an airport in Narita, little did they know that the airport will later come to be associated with divorce. Even the engineers and architects, who dreamt up the plan, forgot to dream about wed locks and goodbyes. Morpheus, the god of dreams, did not remind them.

Now, the term Narita divorce, has been coined for the newlyweds who on arrival at Narita Airport after a honeymoon, immediately head to the court to file divorce papers. Bad word!

Marriages have been known to hit the rocks, the night after the weeding day. Some may wait to happen after the birth of the first child, while others may choose to divorce after their golden jubilee.

The story of broken marriages -- marital bliss turned marital misery, is worldwide. And this is happening despite an army of psychologists, psychiatrists, clergymen, and other counselors offering advice on marriage, including a horde of publications on the subject. People have even written best-sellers, offering advice on broken families. Ask Inyanla Vanzant, the author of the book, Yesterday I Cried.

Let's get some statistics. Britain has the highest divorce rate in Europe (4 out of 10 marriages), Canada and Japan (1 out of 3 marriages), Zimbabwe (2 out of every 5 marriage) and Spain (1 out of 8 marriages.) Also in Australia, divorce rates have quadrupled since the 1980's, and in the United States and other lands, teenage mothers and children born out of wedlock, have been on the rise.

In other countries, like Germany, the traditional family has totally been abandoned. In that country, single persons and individuals account for a majority of the families. And in France, people are marrying less, and divorcing more.

The effect of broken families -- the oldest human institution -- is already telling on us. What with the violence that we see around us today?

Family disintegration has led to the fall of great empires like Rome and Greece. May it not lead to the end of our civilization!

But why are married couples increasingly getting divorce certificates or simply living as roommates, or what has been called emotional divorce? Because they started their marriages with the wrong foot. And head to the wrong people to seek advice -- marriage counselors.

These series of articles will help you to get your marriage on a good start, and stay married. Because it will tell you God's view about marriage. And since God is the creator and originator of marriage, he is the best authority on this matter.

In these series, you will find answers to questions that you may have asked such as: How can I find a compatible mate? What are the rules of dating? How do I know if I am ready for marriage? What happens on the wedding day? What is needed for a successful marriage? How should disagreements be settled? What is my role in the family? How can a husband get his wife's respect? Why does a wife need her husband's love? Who is the decision maker? What about the children? And many more…

But first; folks, let us look out for the dangers in a marriage. Knowing these dangers, like a sailor knowing the location of the hidden rocks under the sea, will help you to find success in your courtship and marriage, sex and happiness.

So, what are they?

Chapter Two

"It seems much easier to fall in love than to stay in love." --DR. KAREN KAYSER.

.................................................

Would you want to marry in haste and repent at leisure? No, folk. May that not be your destiny. But you see, marriage is like a packed theater with some uninterested spectators wanting to get out, and other interested ones waiting outside, wishing to get in.

If you think though that marriage can solve all of your problems, you are mistaken. Ask a married friend. But it can give you a measure of security and satisfaction if you play by the rules.

But we forget the rules before we rush into matrimony. And when a sailor forgets his navigation rules, he suffers a shipwreck.

You see, people enter into marriage relationships with little or no preparation. If you were entering the university for example, you will be asked to sit for a qualifying exam. You may even be asked to show other supporting qualifications like the TOEFL if you were heading for a U.S. university.

But these are small things compared to the permanent relationship of marriage. Yet the only requirement in the marriage registry is your signature. Nothing else.

However, there are dangers to watch out for just before you append your signature to that marriage certificate. And what are they?

Failed Expectations

People think of marriage as a kind of fiction story where the characters "live happily ever after." But it is never so. Because the great expectation of your Sleeping Beauty or Prince Charming may turn out to be a bad dream. The love, attention and support that you badly craved before marriage may turn out to be a tale of rejection and disillusion.

Incompatibility

You may also discover after the marriage that both of you are poles apart -- with different interests. Those characteristics which were hidden before the marriage now becomes manifest. And it becomes a story of "if I had known." (No thanks to mismatch and your beguiling mate!)

Conflict

Your Happy Valley or Fortunate Isles, now turns to be a battlefield of squabbling, fighting, and God forbid -- physical violence. The very sweet words, like honeycombs which were used to win your hand in marriage now become weapons of abuse and "war."

Apathy

It may be that you will one day find yourself saying: "I am no longer interested." And then the marriage drags on and on, like a factory worker tolerating a bad job -- to keep body and soul together. And one day, apathy turns to hate, and you find yourself telling your partner that the "game" is up!

Money

Do not deceive yourself thinking that money will make you happy. It does the opposite, says Paul Getty the American millionaire.

Now suppose there is bickering over money in a joint venture? Or suppose your previously rich spouse now suffers financial misfortune? And you who were used to summer holidays in the Virgin Islands, and cruising in yachts in the Mediterranean now see poverty and hardship staring at you in the face? What will you do?

Parenthood

You may find out that the love you had for your mate now begins to drop when children start coming in. The reason may be that you no longer have time for each other, or your mate is now getting old. Is it time to sue for divorce?

Deceit

It may vex you to find out that you are living with an infidel, a betrayal of trust, and not a friend and confidant. Now, suppose you find out that your mate lied to you about his or her history before the marriage? Or what if you find that your mate was cheating on you -- committing adultery?

Sex

Suppose your partner starts depriving you of sex? Or what if sex, which was supposed for enjoyment now becomes mechanical? Some have even used sex as a bargain tool : Buy me a Swiss gold watch, and I will give you sex!

Some wives have woken up after the wedding day to find out that their husbands were impotents, or eunuchs. Husbands have also been told by their wives that they would die if they had sex together. Because they have husbands who satisfy their sexual desires in the spirit world! What would you call that?

Superstition

This may also affect your marriage depending on where you live. Barrenness, miscarriages, unseen attacks, deaths and broken marriages have been supposedly caused by wicked spirits. Does this bother you? Maybe not. But know that wicked spirits exist.

In-laws

If you allow your in-laws to intrude into your family, they may ruin your marriage. Both of you are now one, and should be able to solve your marital problems without frequenting your parents, or relations for advice.

Friends

What kinds of associates do you and your mate have? Are they unwholesome friends? They will not help your marriage. Know that bad company can corrupt good manners.

These are some of the things may shipwreck a marriage. They may not be the case with your family. But know that there is no perfect family on this earth. So there must be one kind of problem or the other in your family. Now what are required to make a marriage successful?

To be continued

(EXCERPTED FROM THE BOOK, "SUCCESSFUL DATING AND MARRIAGE." THIS TEN-CHAPTER BOOK IS AVAILABLE FOR SALE. INTERESTED BUYERS SHOULD CONTACT THE AUTHOR.)

ARTHUR ZULU is an editor, book reviewer, playwright, and published author. He also writes short stories, scripts, essays, and poems.
For his works and FREE helps for writers, goto:
http://controversialwriter.tripod.com
mailto: controversialwriter@yahoo.com
Web search: Arthur Zulu

ARTHUR ZULU is an editor, book reviewer, playwright, and published author. He also writes short stories, scripts, essays, and poems.

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The Basics Of Marriage Counseling

2011-02-28T15:23:00.000-08:00

Stephen Kreutzer

Almost half of all marriages end in divorce. That is why there is an increase in couples seeking marriage counseling. Nobody wants to think that the marriage they are in will end. Marriage counseling offers a way for couples to work thorough problems with an outside influence. Marriage counseling can help couples to rebuild a marriage that was on the way to divorce.

Marriage counseling is a type of therapy that helps married couples resolve problems they may be having in their marriage. Most often counseling is conducted with both partners present. However, sometimes there will be individual sessions depending on the couples needs. The basis for marriage counseling is research that has shown problems in a marriage are best solved through communication and working together. Marriage counseling usually lasts a short period of time, until the problems are resolved and the marriage is back on track and the couple can handle problems on their own. In a session the counselor will ask questions, listen and analyze problems. The counseling usually starts with an analysis of the marriage and its problems. Then the problems are worked through to an amicable conclusion.

Marriage counselors are trained in psychotherapy. They also have an understanding about families, how to understand client's needs and problems. They also have training that allows them to help clients work through the problems to reach conclusions. All of this training lets them be able to identify underlying problems. A good marriage counselor will not make a client feel guilty or blame. They will teach clients to work through problems and get over bad feelings.

Marriage counseling can help couples open the lines of communication. Communication has been shown to be the key to a healthy and happy relationship. Couples with problems seek marriage counseling o get a better understanding of what has went wrong in their marriage, so they can once again have a string marriage.

The Best Resources for Your Marriage

Slovenian Marriage License Information
If you've just set a date for your wedding and want to get married in Slovenia, don't let the marriage license laws of Slovenia put a dent in your wedding plans. Here's what you need to know and what documents...Do You and Your Spouse Look Like One Another?
In an article, "Why Some Old Lovers Look Alike", Ker Than writes, "We like people who look like us, because they tend to have personalities similar to our own...the longer we are with someone, the more similarities in appearance grow...partners...

Just Trust!
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View the original article here

Timely Counseling Can Save Your Marriage

2011-02-28T07:09:00.000-08:00

Robert Kokoska

The sad fact is that far too many people wait too long before going for marriage counseling. Counseling has the potential to save marriages, by providing a space in which couples can explore their sources of conflict and arrive at a new understanding of their relationship and each other. Unfortunately, many people tend to hesitate before going into counseling. For some, counseling may even seem like an admission of failure. That's truly unfortunate, because it's far from true, but that perception can be very influential.

Timely counseling can save your marriage - if both partners are commited to the marriage and to the counseling process. The time to seek it out is not after the damage has been done, and your marriage and home environment are becoming contentious and inhospitable. Rather, the time to take this step is as soon as you notice that issues are coming up for you, or communication is breaking down. As mentioned before, for counseling or therapy to be helpful, both partners must be absolutely commited to the process. They must be willing to participate fully, with the intention of improving and saving the marriage. If one partner has already detatched himself, mentally or psychologically, the counseling process willb e useless. At that point, individual counseling is usually what is needed, and the chances fo saving the marriage are slimmer.

Of course, there are other actions you can take to save your marriage. Some couples are able to do this themselves, without outside help. Others get through difficult times with the help of family and friends. Some marriages are even helped by individual therapy - not just to help you separate if needed, but to allow you to enter the marriage more fully. For example, sometimes your experiences in a previous relationship can carry over into your present one, or a traumatic event from the past can affect the way you function today. Your marriage might be bearing the strain of these past events. Having the courage to face these issues might be what is needed to save your marriage.

Ultimately, it comes down to your (and your partner's) level of commitment to the marriage. If both partners are fully commited, they will do anything that is needed to make the marriage work. Usually, that means they will be successful. Most marriages can be saved, and nowadays, we have plenty of resources open to us to help us do so.

Are you seeking a happier marriage?

Learn the 50 secrets to a blissfull releationship!

The Best Resources for Your Marriage

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Don Knotts, considered by many to be "an icon" of the golden age of television, was married three times. Here's information about Don, his marriages, his children, and more. Read About Don Knotts' Marriages...Signs of a Low Sex Marriage
When your sex life lessens dramatically, it could be a red flag showing that there are other problems in your marriage relationship aside from the sex issue. In case you aren't sure what is meant by the phrase "low sex...

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View the original article here

Does Marriage Counseling Work

2011-02-27T23:02:00.000-08:00

Article source: National Directory of Family and Marriage Counselors at www.counsel-search.com

When considering marriage counseling, it's difficult not to wonder whether seeing a marriage counselor will actually work. This article provides some objective information based on data obtained from a national survey of marriage and family counselors and their clients. Also presented are several interesting opinions provided by individuals who have actually been through marriage counseling and were asked to comment on whether or not seeing a marriage counselor proved effective in helping their relationship.

In an article published by Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, clients of marriage and family counselors from 15 different states reported on their experience with counseling. The findings indicated that marriage and family counselors treated a wide range of issues in relatively short-term fashion, couple and family therapy are briefer than individual therapy, and that client satisfaction and functional improvement are quite high.

[*] Specifically, of clients from 526 marriage and family counselors in 15 different states:

98.1% rated services good or excellent
97.1% got the kind of help they desired
91.2% were satisfied with the amount of help they received
93% said they were helped in dealing more effectively with problems
94.3% would return to the same therapist in the future
96.9% would recommend their therapist to a friend
97.4% were generally satisfied with the service they received
63.4% reported improved physical health
54.8% reported improvement in functioning at work
73.7% indicated improvement in children's behavior
58.7% showed improvement in children's school performance
[*] Excerpted from

Shelly Phegley is a staff writer for The National Directory of Family and Marriage Counselors at http://www.counsel-search.com/ -A resource center for those facing mariage issues. Research counseling options near you.

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Does Living In A Loveless Marriage Necessarily Mean That You Should Get A D

2011-02-27T16:33:00.000-08:00

Being in a loveless marriage is a frustrating predicament, but it may not necessarily mean that a divorce is eminent. Solving the quandary of a loveless marriage requires self-reflection to assess the situation, courage to try to create a team effort for the best decision with your spouse, and gumption to face the reality that a divorce may be the best solution for the loveless marriage.

But, before you jump right to the easy way out and decide on divorce, you should got through the process of making sure that you have logically thought through long-term implications of ending the loveless marriage.

Being in a loveless marriage and deciding whether to get a divorce based on this one fact alone is a misuse of an opportunity. Its not like deciding whether to stay married due to an extramarital affair or other marriage problems like abuse or living in a sexless marriage, choosing the right divorce decision when it comes to a loveless marriage is a totally different situation.

The opportunity is great to grow personally that is present when you're deciding about divorce because of being in a loveless marriage. Let's take a look at some of the items that are relevant to this situation regarding a loveless marriage and how you can approach this
time in your life from a mature standpoint and come to the right choice while growing at the same time.

Loveless marriage item 1: Define love as you see it and assess whether or not your spouse agrees somewhat with you, at least in a complementary fashion.

For a loveless marriage to be assessed properly, making sure your idea or definition of love is "clear" is a solid way to make sure that you know what you've lost. And, if your spouses idea of what love is differs from yours so much that you both can't somewhat reap the
benefits of love, you may need counseling to get to the root issue of your loveless marriage.

Loveless marriage item 2: Make sure that you are in fact out of love before you go further with steps to divorce or try to work it out.

Ask yourself, "Am I really out of love or am I giving up?". Keeping love alive can take work and strong communication with yourself and spouse. List the reasons why you think you're out of love and decide if those reasons prohibit a rekindling of love, assuming you were actually in love at some point. Being in a loveless marriage doesn't necessarily mean that it has to stay that way!

Loveless marriage item 3: Decide if you were ever really in love as you define love.

Your loveless marriage could have always been loveless, you may have just been to distracted to notice. You may have received other benefits from being with your spouse in the past that you aren't getting now and that could be why you're frustrated and living in a loveless marriage.

Of course, if you were in fact in love with your spouse at one time in the past, you both might not have done what needs to be done to keep love alive. Before you do anything about your loveless marriage, make sure you understand how your idea of love may have changed over time, and really contemplate if you were really ever in love.

Loveless marriage item 4: Assessing whether or not you need to be in love to stay married and if so, can your love be re-kindled?

This item regarding a loveless marriage is a crucial point in your decision making process. Some people stay married even when they are in a loveless marriage because the benefits they get from being married psychologically outweigh the need for love. These benefits could many things and could stem from lack of self confidence, money, fear of loneliness, etc.

If you're a person who needs love to stay married, make sure that you really think about how rejuvenate the love in your loveless marriage before you decide on divorce. If you're struggling regarding a decision about your loveless marriage, it means that it is worth fighting for.

If you really do soul searching and talk with your spouse openly about the lack of zest in your marriage in the hopes of making it better, you may find that your spouse feels the same way that you do!

Being a loveless marriage can be a drain on your day to day energy if you need love to stay happily married. If your marriage is worth it to you, be mature about the situation and do all you can to rekindle the love before you do anything else. If you do, you'll grow personally as
will your spouse regardless whether or not you get a divorce.

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Get A Prenuptial Agreement Before Your Next Marriage

2011-02-27T09:12:00.000-08:00

While signing a prenuptial agreement can be one of the all-time romantic turnoffs, for people heading into their second marriage, a prenuptial agreement can give the trade-off of a better relationship through the security of financial and life planning.

A prenuptial agreement is a legal contract between two people about to marry, specifying how assets will be distributed in the event of divorce or death. A prenuptial agreement is a good idea, even if you aren't rich or own a home. It saves future arguments and can even save you money.

A prenuptial agreement requires that each partner prepare an inventory of assets owned before the marriage, and it allows you to establish your separate priorities about those assets.

Even if you do nothing more than that in your prenuptial agreement, this gives children from a previous marriage a chance to have half of that property and establish what belonged to Mom or Dad before the second marriage, and it establishes what you're taking with you should you leave the marriage."

Statistically, second or third marriages are more likely to result in divorce than first-time unions. Because of this, a prenuptial agreement is an especially wise idea.

•A prenup is important if one of you is wealthier than the other.
•If you have assets such as a house, stock or retirement funds, you should have a prenup.
•A prenuptial agreement is essential if you own part or all of a business.
•A prenup can discuss your wishes if you may be receiving an inheritance.
•If you have relatives who need to be taken care of, such as disabled children or elderly parents, a prenuptial agreement is very important.
•If you expect to receive a big increase in income because of a growing business, a prenuptial agreement can address this issue.
•A prenuptial agreement is essential if you have children and/or grandchildren from a previous marriage.

We recommend that each partner draw up a list of assets. Furthermore, for professional couples, prenuptial agreements can be the ultimate protection against all-too-common lawsuits or medical malpractice suits. You can't predict all of your life events, and prenuptial agreements are a means of keeping your own assets safe in the event of any financial problems that your spouse may experience.

Note that Legal Helper Corp. provides an easy-to-use, quick, and economical online method for creating Prenuptial Agreement. - http://www.legalhelpmate.com/prenuptial-agreement.aspx

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Considering Success In Marriage

2011-02-27T01:14:00.000-08:00

Chuck Smith

Your success in marriage depends largely upon having sound and constructive attitudes toward love. For Americans, this can be difficult. Especially because of the fictions we've been taught since childhood, which are supported by movies and other cultural influences. In fact, the love upon which so many base their marriages is one or a combination of the following:

1.The appeal of the romance and adventure of marriage itself
2.The response to a person who reminds them of some one whom they have loved
3.The desire to escape from an unhappy situation
4.Consolation for failure or disappointment
5.Social pressures and/or the fear of being "left on the shelf"
6.Sexual desires
7.Some minor point of attraction

These forms of love are not false - they are very real. Often, they are intense enough to give a person an overwhelming feeling of certainty about marriage. And some of them - such as numbers 1, 6 and 7 - have a proper place in marriage.

Their danger is that they are superficial. No single one of them, or all of them together, is strong enough to constitute the foundations of a successful marriage. Yet these deceive people who believe that "love is enough" into choosing unsuitable mates.

Love which can make a marriage rich and worthwhile must go far deeper. It must be based upon such things as common interests, ideals, values, and goals which involve worthy purposes. A common desire to have and raise happy and healthy children is among the strongest and most important of these common goals. Such a love is not something which you "fall in" before you marry.

Rather, it is something which you build together through the years. Those who have found a sounder base for love wil find that the thrill, glow, and romance of their marriage increases over time. The richest joy of marriage comes from a relationship with each other which constantly develops and matures. The deepest and most abiding love is that which has become an expression of all life's experiences and meanings for you both.

Chuck Smith is the owner and webmaster of Wedding Home Pages, where you can download a professionally-designed wedding template for your special day. Visit Wedding Home Pages for the wedding web site of your dreams.

The Best Resources for Your Marriage

Do You and Your Spouse Look Like One Another?
In an article, "Why Some Old Lovers Look Alike", Ker Than writes, "We like people who look like us, because they tend to have personalities similar to our own...the longer we are with someone, the more similarities in appearance grow...partners...

Just Trust!
Your Guide to the Wonders Within You

View the original article here

Resolving Difficult Marriage Problems

2011-02-26T19:58:00.000-08:00

Not all marriage problems can be solved, but many can. As recently as a few generations ago, divorce was not considered a viable option for most people. Even today, there are religious groups who consider divorce unacceptable except in the event of certain extenuating circumstances - such as abuse or adultery. That point of view is not for everyone, but it is undeniable that marriage problems are put into a different perspective when there is no real choice but to solve them.

That having been said, it probably wasn't a good thing for individuals to feel that they were 'stuck' in a marriage - that they had no choice regarding whether to continue with the union. We are fortunate that we live in a time when people have choices regarding the direction of their lives. Regarding marriage problems, though, it is clearly better to solve them if this can be done, particularly if there are children in the picture. Marriage problems vary in type and severity, but there's one thing that many if not most have in common; most marriage problems, and their resolutions, depend on communication. Communication is the key to all effective relationships.

Communication styles vary, but presumably married couples are drawn together in the first place because there is a basic similarity or compatability between their communication styles. It takes time to maintain communication. Many marriage counselors recommend that couples have a weekly 'date' with one another, a time when there is a break from the regular routine and the couple do something relaxed and enjoyable together. After there are children, the weekly date becomes more difficult, but its more important than ever. Many couples become too busy to spend time with each other alone once there are children. Think about it, though - isn't it worth your while to take the time to ensure that your child's parents have a good marriage, and are able to provide a stable home? Parents that are happy together tend to have happier children, too.

Marriage problems, large or small, can be one of the great challenges in life. When dealt with head on, however, they need not get out of hand - in fact, dealing with these challenges as they arise can be very rewarding. It can even strengthen your marriage in the long run, and that means that your overall quality of life can benefit greatly as well.

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Write An Apology To Your Spouse How To Apologize In A Way That Really Works

2011-02-26T11:08:00.000-08:00

Dr. Peter Pearson

Being apologetic doesn’t come easily for me. Unfortunately, being inconsiderate and self-centered does. So I realized long ago that my marital survival would depend on two things: 1) learning to apologize and 2) becoming less selfish and more considerate.

It was easier to start with apologies. Over time I got better and better at learning how to apologize. I was amazed at the effect.

First, it was the basic mumbling of, “I’m sorry.” Those two words were remarkable in healing bruised feelings. It was as if I had a license to do what I wanted-- as long as I looked sincere and said, “I’m sorry.” It was like having a “Get out of jail free” Monopoly card.

When my apology failed to produce the desired results, I spruced it up. I would put my apology in a tuxedo, and my wife would be so grateful that I would get another reprieve.

Given my personality, I had lots of opportunity to practice making apologies. Ultimately I created a formula. It’s for the bigger offenses or for smaller offenses that you have repeated so often they’ve created a lot of tension with your spouse.

Five Step Formula For a Really Good Apology

1. Describe your offense. This is necessary so your partner knows exactly what you’re apologizing for.
2. Describe what you think is the effect on your partner. This display of empathy is comforting to the other person.
3. Describe why you did what you did. This reassures your spouse that you’re on top of the problem and reduces their need to nag you about it.
4. Describe why you’re interested in changing the offensive behavior. This demonstrates an understanding of the big picture that as couple you’re a team.
5. Describe a self imposed penalty for not changing. This one is the clincher. Think of an appropriate penalty for your offensive behavior, and tell it to your spouse. Tell them that if you don’t change you will impose the penalty on yourself. This reassures them that you mean business.

I encourage people to write their apology. Writing it out first or writing it and then giving it to your mate has several advantages:

1. You can collect and refine your thoughts. It is very difficult to think through an apology on the fly, especially if your angry partner is on the offensive.
2. You will be heard all the way through. Nobody will interrupt and start yelling at a spouse when they are reading an apology.
3. You avoid the hostile questions that often interrupt you when you start speaking the apology. These negative questions have the nasty effect of derailing your good intentions and then you just have another argument which demands another apology.
4. You avoid the raised eyebrows and squinting eyes during the apology which just derail you again. (See the last sentence in number 3.)
5. It looks like you have given this some serious thought (which might even be true).
6. You don’t have to sleep on the couch tonight.

Putting It All Together

1. Honey, I’ve been thinking about your comments that I don’t follow through consistently when I say I’ll do something. I apologize for that.
2. Being inconsistent means you can never be sure whether I will follow through or not. I imagine it keeps you on edge and wondering if you should “remind” me or not. If you don’t speak up you run the risk that I won’t follow through and then it is too late to take corrective action. If you do speak up, you run the risk of coming across like a nag.
3. I hate to admit it, but when I agree to something, sometimes it’s just to get you off my back. I think, “well, I’ll do it if I get time.” But if it’s something I really don’t want to do, often I simply don’t make the time. I’m also unreliable when my priorities collide with yours--and my priorities too often prevail. This means I really haven’t thought much about us being a true team where we can each count on the other to follow through.
4. I actually have some interest in improving my reliability. I would feel more aligned with my higher intentions about being a good partner, and we could probably have more fun together.
5. Finally, I want you to get off my back as a policeman to make sure I follow through. Both of us will feel better about that. So when I don’t follow through or give you a timely warning (stuff does happen) then I will work on cleaning the garage the following weekend for at least two hours every time I blow it.

Our book, “Tell Me No Lies,” includes some helpful insights about apologies. For more information or to order, visit The Couples Institute.

May all your apologies be little ones.

Peter Pearson, Ph.D., and his wife Dr. Ellyn Bader, are founders of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA. Since 1984, they have helped people create extraordinary relationships. Authors, speakers, and therapists, they have been featured on over 50 radio and TV programs including "The Today Show" and "CBS Early Morning News." For more information and to subscribe to their free monthly newsletter, "Love that Lasts," visit The Couples Institute.

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Why Some Marriages Explode And Fall Into Ashes

2011-02-26T03:31:00.000-08:00

Just like a fire with smoldering embers can flare up when they are stirred or fanned, emotions can flare up in our marriages if issues are left unresolved to smolder and fester.

Express Anger Respectfully

Many people are uncomfortable with expressing anger for fear that it will damage relationships. However, if feelings are buried, they dont go away, they just smolder and easily flame up.

Its critical to learn how to disagree respectfully and without attacking your spouse. If a safe environment is created for discussing feelings, its much easier for the reticent spouse to have the courage to share from their heart and resolve any conflict.

Get Help For Serious Problems

Counseling keeps problems from escalating. If conflicts are not resolved early on, a couple may stew over these problems for years and this creates negative behavior patterns that become difficult to reverse.

Obtaining professional help sooner rather than later will reduce verbal sparring, poor or no communication and acting out.

Expect To Get Along

If you expect to get along with your spouse, you will get along with your spouse. Talking respectfully and looking for creative solutions to the problems you face as a couple and as parents will go a long way in creating a strong and enduring marriage.

If you expect to have a confrontation, you will have a confrontation. If you expect to resolve a conflict with respect and love, you will resolve a conflict with respect and love. Expect the best from your spouse, and youll get it.

As we express our anger respectfully, get professional help for serious marriage problems, and expect to get along, we will find our marriage growing instead of headed for the ash pile.

Beth Young is the Senior Editor of the leading marriage advise web site, MarriageAdvise.com. To download your free ebook titled, "101 Marriage Secrets" visit http://www.marrigeadvice.com/.

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Marriage Advice Your Mother Never Gave You

2011-02-25T20:42:00.001-08:00

Robert Kokoska

Have you heard it said that it takes a village to raise a child? It doesn't stop there. Much of the wisdom that we get throughout life comes from our village - our group of contacts, friends and mentors, that we trust. In the olden days, marriage advice for young couples would come from parents and grandparents, most of whom would have had longstanding, successful marriages themselves. They were eminently qualified to give marriage advice, and the advice they gave was well taken and utilized. Of course, not every marriage was successful, even back then - but most people agree that marriages had a better chance a few generations ago.

Nowadays, it may be up to us to compile our own marriage advice from various friends, family members, professionals and books. The good news is that there's plenty of advice out there, and much of it is good. At the same time, it might also be time to question some of the traditional marriage advice that we've all heard at one time or another. For example, your mother or grandmother might have told you that you should never go to bed angry. The principle is sound - we shouldn't hold grudges or hold onto anger. But taking this advice too literally may backfire too; problems can look more serious when you're tired. Sometimes going to bed - even if you're still angry - might be just what you need to regain perspective.

Here's a great piece of marriage advice, though - take time out for each other, just to be together and communicate, no matter how busy life gets. This investment in your relationship will pay off a thousandfold over the years. One of the big problems that couples experience is that they lose the ability to communicate with one another. They might even feel like they have lost interest in each other and in the relationship, if communication is poor.

The best marriage advice is all like that - not necessarily easy to follow, but something you can work at over the years. Marriage can be hard work, but you generally get out of it what you put in. And if we can build solid marriages, we might be well on our way to reviving the 'villages' of the past - strong, solid communities that may be a source of traditional wisdom.

Are you seeking a happier marriage?

Learn the 50 secrets to a blissfull releationship!

The Best Resources for Your Marriage

Dennis and Gerry Weaver's Love Story
In describing his half a century marriage relationship with his wife Gerry, Dennis Weaver wrote in his autobiography, All the World's a Stage, "These are really the most love-filled days of our lives, and we are truly blessed, for that...Romance Through the Ages
Our Genealogy Guide here at About.com, Kimberly Powell, has a great article about the customs of love, marriage and dating. It's appropriate reading for this time of year! More on Romance and Love in Marriage...

Just Trust!
Your Guide to the Wonders Within You

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Help Save a Marriage - How to Deal With Marriage Separation and Stop Divorce

2011-01-29T00:44:00.000-08:00

Do you want to save your marriage today and stop a potential marriage separation or divorce? Do you feel as if your marriage is lacking spark or you just can't get it right? Do you fear a marriage separation or divorce is the only answer?

With one in three marriages ending in divorce, consider what effect is has on you and your family and whether or not you want to become another divorce statistic?

Have you considered getting help to save your marriage and stop divorce or separation? You should give yourself and your marriage every opportunity to succeed. There are techniques you can apply to help save your marriage today and stop divorce or a separation.

Do you want help in healing your relationship, resolving those painful conflicts, putting an end to the silence? If you want to help save your marriage you must learn how to communicate effectively and learn how to accept each others differences without the stress and pain of a separation or divorce. You don't need to regret wishing you could have done something to help save your marriage. If your wish is to save your marriage act, learn how to apply techniques that work, do something now, to save your marriage today.

I am sure most of you have tried ineffective methods to help save your marriage. There are millions of couples today that need viable techniques to help save their marriage. Not knowing proper techniques only make things worse and the techniques they've used to help save their marriage or stop divorce only end in disaster. Having the right information is vital when when you need to save your marriage today.

With the right information I believe anyone can have the marriage of their dreams, if you apply the techniques that work you can help save your marriage too.

Do you know learning how to communicate better does not solve your communication problems and won't necessarily help save your marriage or stop divorce. You'll find that it simply teaches you to fight better. What you need to focus on is to give up on arguing. It always inevitably leads into a battle of opinions, and neither of you is likely to change, especially if either or both of you are stubborn.

Learn how to identify risk factors for divorce and why you should ignore them. Become aware of the top six predictors of divorce and how to confront them head on. If you know the steps to having real power in your marriage, then you can help save your marriage and stop divorce.

The Real Marriage Killer: Loss of love and intimacy and how to recognize the real dangers in your relationship could help save your marriage, prevent you from separation or stop divorce. The real danger is not when you are arguing all the time, but disillusion and disappointment in your marriage can end it in divorce or separation.

Affairs: How to spot them and prevent them before they occur. You can learn when affairs are likely to occur and happen and prevent them before they happen by watching out for troublesome areas in your marriage. If you suspect an affair you should not come straight out and accuse your partner, but learn what techniques work best that will actually help save your marriage.

Lack of Commitment: If you're involved in something (or someone) else (workaholic, Internet), you're not involved with your spouse: learn how to spot how modern attitudes towards marriage that can work against commitment and can actually do harm and sabotage your marriage.

Growing Apart: Keep it from happening to you! You should know how to read your partner like a book and be able to identify crises and danger zones. By knowing how to identify them you can help save your marriage and spare yourself a lot of pain. Learn how to spot them before it causes a marriage separation or divorce.

Most couples fail to stop a marriage separation or divorce because they fail to take action. They fear that it may be too late. In order to help save your marriage, you need to have patience and perseverance to get through the tough times. But never give up on your marriage.

When facing marriage problems or trying to stop a divorce, you know that time is of the essence. To Save Your Marriage Today you can not rely on ineffective techniques.

Get expert information now at SaveMyMarriageTodayOnline

Marriage Vows

2011-01-28T20:44:00.000-08:00

It is said that marriages are made in heaven and marriage vows are sacred in nature. Whatever may be the truth, marriage is one of the oldest human institutions surviving through ages and still doing fine. In fact it is one of those primary relationships which give rise to a family which in turn leads to the higher social structures and the society. Marriage has undergone tremendous change over thousands of years. Today in few parts of the world and in few societies, marriage is an established social structure for a primary relationship between a Man and Women based on equality and shared bonding.

Marriage vows: The reality

But this may not be true as black and white. If we analyze the marriage structure across societies around the world we will find lot of grey areas which are of concern. We may find that in many societies women are purchased like commodities at the market place. Here the criterion for selection is the amount of dowry the Women brings with her. In many more societies the only role of women in marriage is reproduction, procreation and bringing up the next generation. In such marriages it has been seen that women has to sacrifice her individuality at the expense of the family. Ironically such sacrifices are accepted as strict norms and rules for the women involved in the marriage but they are not applicable for the men. So in real terms marriage becomes a burden for the women involved. It becomes one of the classic tools of suppression and exploitation of women. All kinds of evil deeds against women are seen in the guise of marriage like the physical and mental torture of women in the name of dowry or covert and overt ways of control of women through the marriage including a check on their physical, psychological, financial, social and religious independence.

Marriage vows: The positive side

Nevertheless marriage is an institution which is worthwhile to preserve for the sake of all the positive advantages it offers to the society. Marriage allows the couple a life of love and commitment to each other and it provides a stable and protective environment for bringing up the next generation. Marriage helps us to live a life of love, compassion, sharing, caring and commitment which not only involves the self but also others in the family. In fact this is an institution which if properly understood and incorporated as part of our lives, can help us in evolving as a more refined human being who is capable of caring for others and who cares for the nature itself. Therefore marriage vows are sacred in nature.

Marriage vows: Interpretation of love in marriage

On the other hand marriage can also become a living hell if there is no love between the partners in the marriage. Now love in today's society has a very-very narrow meaning. Most of the marriages which have failed have sown the seeds of their own down fall either because of the evil practices which I had mentioned earlier or because of the "lack of love, bonding & mutual care" between the partners. When a person interprets lack of love and caring most of the times he/she ends up telling about only his/her needs which are perceived not to be fulfilled ignoring the other persons unfulfilled needs from the marriage. This is pure selfishness based only on one's self interest. This is not love. In fact this might have been a relationship where both the individuals only cared about their own needs ignoring the other person's aspirations and his/her needs. Always it has been seen that a marriage which is moving towards a failure has self interest as the primary cause of failure. Further the negative and manipulative developments due to the so called friends and relatives compound the problem to a great extent.

Marriage vows: No single answer for failure or success

There can be lot of angles through which we can analyze why a particular marriage was a failure or for that matter why majority of marriages are a big success even in today's materialistic world.

Marriage vows: Building the essential structures for married life

Speaking in a broader sense, I feel every marriage can work if people can look at their marriage through the spiritual, intellectual, mental, emotional and the physical planes strictly according to the order that I have mentioned. When we start looking the marriage through the spiritual dimension then the whole "scheme of the nature" opens in front of us. Then we can see the larger purpose of the marriage and we can see the meaning of the marriage in terms of what it can offer to the individuals involved, what it can offer to the family that is raised, what it can offer to the near and dear ones from both the sides and most importantly what it can offer to the society and the humanity at large.

Marriage vows: Living the real life

For the germination of a thinking based on holism and unification, we need to come out of our "outer exterior" that we portray to the world and live the real life we cherish and value. It is paramount for the couple to discus and open up their soul's true urge to each other and then synthesize a common structure at the spiritual level. They should know why they are coming together and how they see themselves together in the short term, the medium term and the long term. The couple should discuss their purpose of coming together in depth which in turn will provide the awareness and inclination to lay a structure and framework towards achieving their mutually synthesized purpose.

Marriage vows: Marriage with a mutually synthesized purpose

When the couple starts living their life dedicated to their mutually synthesized purpose, they will find that they are truly becoming independent and free in their growth as an individual and still remaining complementary and beneficial to each other, their near and dear ones and the society at large. Such a mutually complementary life sows the seed of real love and commitment which considers the total well being of not only the self but also the other person, the extended family, the society and the world.

Marriage vows: Highest foundation of spiritual awakening

Once a couple start living their life with their inner voice as the supreme guiding force, the world will start respecting them as individuals as well as a couple. People and society will then seek suggestions and advice from the couple and further they will have only suggestions and advise to offer to the couple. In fact the world will lose the power to interfere in the couple's day-to-day life.

Such a marriage based on the highest foundation of spiritual awakening based on our soul's desire is bound to succeed. A life lived with our inner soul's voice can never ever lead us to a wrong direction. It may throw up hurdles and barriers but it will also help us develop the strength and resourcefulness to invent ways to overcome these hurdles and barriers.

Marriage vows: Solid foundation for a marriage

Once we have a solid foundation based on the spiritual and the intuitional wisdom, we can start expanding the same into the intellectual, mental, emotional and physical planes. We can then think about the way we will use our keen intellect and mental energies to deal with the issues and people in our life. We will be then able to handle the negativity around us more rationally. We will then stop condemning a negative person and also stop becoming ourselves negative. On the other hand we will then try asking questions like, why this person is generating so much negativity. Are we the cause of it? Or is this person so negative because of his/her circumstances and past experiences? Whatever the cause may be, we will be then able to either solve the negativity or avoid the negativity without condemning the person involved and without we falling into the negativity trap. This will also help us to come out of the "blame game" which is so typical of today's society.

Further this kind of thinking will allow us to understand the negative and positive structures and help us to build on the positive structures of life and simultaneously either resolve, downplay or avoid the negative structures. We therefore prevent ourselves from getting into the negative spiral.

Thus with strong spiritual and intuitional wisdom as our foundation in life and with sound intellectual and mental balance to distinguish between the negative and positive structures of life it will become very easy for us to live in the emotional and physical planes. This will make us live a life with emotional and physical commitment to our near and dear ones, it will help us in starting a family with true commitment and dedication, it will help us in bringing the next generation in a protective and nurturing environment and it will help us in creating financial and material resources to look after us, our families and to be helpful to the society at large with the additional resources in hand.

Marriage vows: Integration of life at every level

Only by living a life which synthesizes and integrates the spiritual, intuitional, intellectual, mental and physical planes, we can think about living a life in sync with nature and our inner self. This makes us part of the nature's scheme of things in bringing the unification of forces. We need to believe in this unification of forces and actively practice in establishing it through motivating and strongly cajoling each other towards it. Only if this is done, we can think about bringing positive forces in our life and only then we can move ahead in life taking everybody along with us.

Marriage vows: Rupture in the marital relations

Now if a couple can work on the above mentioned platform from the beginning, the synthesis of life becomes easy. On the other hand if the marriage is already in trouble because of all the negative structures of the past and if the couple is trying to work out the process of rapprochement then they should keep one thing in their mind that is the whole process of rapprochement is a slow and steady process and it will evolve as per the will of the nature.

We should not think of pushing it or hastening it as nature has its own course of action. We are nobody to control nature. It may take months and years to break the negative structures and thus clear the bad blood and animosity between everybody involved. The miracles of nature happen slowly and steadily.

We need to understand the fact that to break and destroy things is easier and faster. To build a new structure from the ruins, it takes great courage, commitment and lot of time. As they say the real character of a person is known by how he/she acts in the times of adversity.

Marriage vows: Finding a win-win situation

In the troubled times, the rapprochement and counseling session should work on the immediate goal of finding a working solution to prevent the complete collapse of the marriage by offering a win-win situation to everybody involved.

Marriage vows: Open communication

The most important thing in this regard will be an open and free communication between the couple involved as well as the true well wishers of the couple who want to see them back together. This communication should not become a blame-game session nor should it become a session of dominating each other. These communication sessions should explore the possibility of constructing a middle ground to live a life based on the structures of spiritual, intellectual, mental, emotional and physical well being of everybody concerned.

Marriage vows: The choice is with the couple

Therefore it is indeed in the hands of the partners involved in the marriage to either make marriage vows sacred or make marriage a living hell for themselves. The choice is indeed with them and nobody else.

For free information and advice on topics and issues related to women, visit http://www.rise-of-womanhood.org

http://www.rise-of-womanhood.org

This site envisions the rise of womanhood in true sense that is the rise of the "essence" of womanhood in the physical, mental, intellectual and the spiritual planes. It calls for the beginning of a campaign for the true rise of women in all spheres of life for the restoration of the balance in nature.

Somewhere we have to make a beginning and it's always better if we make the initiation at our own self. We can strengthen this mass movement for the "rise of womanhood" by bringing about the necessary changes in our own life as felt by our inner self. Further we can transmit the new thinking to others who care to listen. A small step today will definitely lead to a giant leap tomorrow.

Why Marriage Counseling Doesn't Work Anymore

2011-01-28T16:22:00.000-08:00

You never thought it would happen to you. But now here you are today... faced with the most important decision of your life.

No matter what circumstances led to the current condition of your marriage, all that doesn't matter anymore. All that matters now is that you need to find a solution to your marriage problems. You desperately want to keep your family together, but the problem is - you want a solution that works.

Most people think that when marriages take a turn for the worst; the only solution is marriage counseling.

But when you turn to marriage counseling, the focus is on behavior, action and doing. And in fact, it's very possible that you could DO all the tips, techniques and offered to you by your marriage counselor, yet still wind up unhappy and frustrated with each other. Why?

Pastor and international marriage expert, Mark Gungor's has one of the best answers I've seen. He makes a wonderful point that we just don't hear enough. Here's what he said:

"If your view of marriage is flawed, all the energy and strategy you are using (such as our marriage will be better if we just do this or change that) will end in failure...you must work on your marriage BECAUSE you believe it IS valuable, not because you are trying to make it valuable."

Did you know that most marriage counselors do not believe your marriage IS valuable? Many of them have already divorced, so why would they see your marriage as any more valuable than their own?

They believe marriage is simply expendable and that the kids will be ok. They hold the belief that not all couples are meant to be together which is why they are so quick to give up on your marriage.

Now I know I'm making a generalization about ALL marriage counselors and I do realize that there are some "renegade" marriage counselors who do not follow these beliefs. But based on the countless "horror stories" from the couples I've worked with over the years, these counselors are few and far between.

What kind of "horror stories" you ask? Good question.

I know this may be difficult to believe, but many of the couples I've worked with over the years who have attended marriage counseling told me that their marriage counselor actually advised them to DIVORCE!

These couples attended marriage counseling because they wanted to save their marriage, not hear from an "expert" that their marriage is hopeless!

In fact, there have been statistics recently that stated 80% of marriages that end up in divorce could have been saved if the couple had only received the proper help they needed.

And as time goes on...while our divorce rate continues to remain at 50%, the truth about marriage counseling is increasingly gaining more exposure with new alternatives to marriage counseling popping up all over the net.

Now the REAL question you must ask yourself is this...

If the two of you don't believe your marriage IS valuable, and worth doing every positive thing you can to make it healthy again (marriage counseling not in the list), then what hope can you have for your marriage?

The reason couples end up in the offices of marriage counselors is because they want somebody to help them do what they're not able to do... believe their marriage IS valuable. Talk to virtually any couple who has been to a marriage counselor and you'll find them in agreement.

But the sad truth is that most marriage counselors just don't believe marriage itself IS valuable.

What all this boils down to is this:

Marriage Counselors need to take a good look at their massive failure rate and realize that they're doing more harm than good.

Ultimately, the real reason for their failure to save marriages may have something to do with their initial schooling and education.

Most people don't know this, but marriage counseling as taught in universities isn't marriage counseling at all. It's therapy for individuals.

80% of all private practice marriage counselors in the U.S. say they conduct marriage therapy, yet only 12% are in a profession that requires them to take EVEN ONE course on dealing with couples, (Dr. William J. Doherty, Minneapolis MN)

As a result, they prefer to work with each person individually, instead of as a couple.

So my advice to you is...

If you're considering seeing a marriage counselor, take this as your alternative view. If your marriage problems persist, you're far better off with a weekend marriage seminar or a marriage coach than a marriage counselor.

In fact, do a quick search in Google for "alternative to marriage counseling". What you'll find is a variety of solutions that don't involve marriage counseling. And very often these alternatives are less expensive, less invasive and not at all emotionally draining - much unlike what you might find in traditional marriage counseling.

Get the full story on couples counseling and why it's not at all what it?s cracked up to be. For a solution-oriented marriage counseling alternative, visit Larry Bilotta's website at FulfilledCouple.com to get your marriage back on track and put an end to your marriage problems.

Do Marriage Counselors Do More Harm Than Good?

2011-01-28T12:30:00.000-08:00

Before you begin screening marriage counselors to help you save your marriage, you MUST consider the potential drawbacks of marriage counseling so you can get all your facts straight FIRST. This article will help you avoid making a costly mistake that could not only set you back financially...but cost you your marriage as well.

In July of 1999, at a conference for professional marriage counselors, a credible marriage counselor by the name of Dr. William J. Doherty, gave a shocking report on the state of marriage counseling to his fellow professionals.

According to Doherty, most marriage counseling is HAZARDOUS, not helpful to your marriage.

Therapy-based, American style marriage counseling (practiced by most marriage counselors) can actually do more HARM than good in your marriage.

All hope is NOT lost however, for the rising number of struggling couples. There ARE more effective alternatives to marriage counseling - they are so effective in fact that even professional marriage counselors are admitting that couples need MARRIAGE EDUCATION more than they do marriage therapy.

In June of 1999, USA Today reported that, "Even fans of marriage counseling are saying disturbing things. Research shows that it doesn't work as well as we once thought and it might not last." That report reinforce the research that shows a great majority of marriage counselors conducting therapy have had no formal training at all.

This research further documented that two years after couples went through marriage counseling, 25% of the couples were WORSE OFF than before they started the therapy.

Up to 38% of them actually divorced.

Perhaps what's even more shocking is the fact that therapists who actually work with COUPLES, are in the minority.

80% of all private practice marriage counselors in the U.S. say they conduct marriage therapy, yet only 12% are in a profession that requires them to take EVEN ONE course on dealing with couples.

If you ask marriage counselors about their approach, the vast majority will tell you that they find working with individuals much more "productive" than working with couples.

Dr. William J. Doherty stated, "Couples therapy is the most difficult therapy of all because every session starts with the threat of divorce".

After training marriage counselors for a living, in his 1999 address at the conference for professional marriage counselors, Dr. Doherty called the methods of marriage counselors, "Hazardous to your marital health."

He established four ways that marriage counselors have produced DESTRUCTIVE outcomes in marriages.

According to Doherty, there are four ways marriage counselors can do more harm than good in your marriage...

1. By being incompetent

2. By being neutral

3. By pathologizing (telling you why your marriage is "sick")

4. By being overtly undermining (attempting to break up the marriage)

INCOMPETENT: In the case of incompetent marriage counselors, the counselor has not been trained to work with couples together. They believe working with two people is an expanded version of working with one, but it is not. An individual is easy to listen to, but a battling couple is not. Working with couples requires skill, structure and a very different approach than one-on-one therapy.

NEUTRAL: These marriage counselors, Doherty claims, are not neutral about marriage at all. When a counselor appears to be neutral, but actually takes sides with the more self-oriented spouse, they are undermining the marriage. "When a counselor uses the language of individual self interests, it undercuts the moral commitment that is owed to the marriage." Doherty stated.

PATHOLOGIZING: Pathologizing is when marriage counselors build a case insisting that the couple has a "sick" relationship. They actually ENCOURAGE couples to get a divorce by saying things like, "Why SHOULD YOU hang in there? Why be a victim?" These marriage counselors make couples believe that they're being abused, which causes both spouses to draw their only conclusion: "If the professional thinks this is over, then I should too."

UNDERMINING: While telling couples what they should do is against the code of ethics of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, many therapists still do it. These therapists say phrases like, "You should probably end this marriage." or, "If you're going to stay sane, you should move out." Undermining therapists urge husbands and wives to sever their relationships with family members and spouses.

If you're looking for a good marriage counselor, Dr. Doherty urges you to ask questions first. Learn about the therapists' values by asking questions like these:

1. Are you self taught, workshop-trained or college educated in working with couples?

Bad Answer: College educated.

Good Answer: Self taught or workshop trained and they speak convincingly about how their program saves marriages.

2. What is your attitude about saving a troubled marriage vs. helping a couple break up?

Bad Answer: "It's not my decision. Couples have to make their own decision." (This is an evasive answer...not a good sign.)

Good Answer: "I help couples find ways to stay together and help them understand and overcome their problems."

3. Where do you stand when one spouse wants to stay and the other wants a divorce?

Bad Answer: "I try to get people to understand their own feelings." (This is a focus on the individual, NOT the couple.)

Good Answer: "This is normally what I see with couples. I have ways to help them both handle this in positive ways."

4. What percentage of your practice involves both husband and wife?

Bad Answer: "I find working with husbands and wives individually to be more practical."

Good Answer: "All of it. When both people are with me and following my process, I find they have the greatest success rate."

5. Of all the couples you treat, what percentage stay married and have a better marriage in the end?

Bad Answer: "100%" or "I don't keep that type of information."

Good Answer: About 70 to 80% stay happily married, while the rest drop out of my process and are unwilling to finish.

The difference in the answers you receive from marriage counselors is the feeling you get when you talk with them. Bad answers feel evasive or vague while good answers are confident and positive.

Now that you know the right questions to ask, you can confidently screen marriage counselors, separating the GOOD from the bad. But if you're hesitant about bringing a marriage counselor into your marriage, as Dr. Doherty suggested, marriage education might be the answer you're looking for.

Want to get back on track with the one you love? Find out if you?re already on the "Secret Path" to Divorce and learn how to stay off it forever. Get your FREE Special Report at http://www.stopyourdivorcein4weeks.com/secret.html.

The Source of "True Marriage Healing"

2011-01-28T07:40:00.000-08:00

The source of "true marriage healing" lies within the spiritual aspects of who we are. How do I know this? Because I've been to marriage counseling, and I have read all the self-help marriage books, and because, I did all the things "they say" that are supposed to help you love who you married. But the reality of it is folks, there is no magic pill or potion you can take, and there is no person, besides you, that is going to heal your marriage as it is meant to be healed.

He said, she said scenarios don't work, and neither will finger pointing and blaming one another. We can brow beat our spouse until we are blue in the face, and we can continue to have affairs just because our marriage is on rocky times, and we can listen to strangers tell us how to save our marriage, but I'll tell you what, it will not make us better people inside, so what good is all that for our marriage?

What we want and need for marriage is to be the person God intended for us to be so we can have a better marriage. A man and a woman marriage relationship is the four legs that support the marriage, and what you believe for your marriage is the root of how good or bad the marriage actually will be.

If you want to be a healthier person spiritually, and even mentally, you need to enhance the spiritual side of who you are so you can grow into the loving individual God wants you to become, which is the whole and complete person you truly can be! We all have certain issues in our lives that hold us back from attaining the spiritualism that I am talking about. What is holding you back? That is the question?

In my book, Journey on the Roads Less Traveled, I reveal what held me back. It is my personal testimony of dealing with alcohol addiction and how it stunted my mental and spiritual growth process, and kept me from loving others and myself properly. I was up there on cloud nine most of the early years of my marriage. I eventually came down off that cloud and grew up.

It is MY firm belief that to heal marriage according to how marriage is to be divinely inspired and healed, we need to fix ourselves FIRST! I don't care what some of the self-help books say, I just know this to be true because I've been there! If our marriage isn't good, we need to seek out the resources from the source that is going to actually do something constructive for the marriage, right?

Man himself can set forth a standard for you to follow based on beliefs of society and they may all seem so good and right but if they do not come from God what use are they, really? Most man-made principles come from God but have been twisted to fit into the standards of society, which can sound good and right. This takes great discernment on your part. What is right and wrong? How can you tell? Don't let the world fool you; don't let people fool you into believing what your ears want to hear. Look for the fruit. If there isn't any, then what good is that?

"He who tends a fig tree will eat its fruit" Proverbs 27:18. And in the same concept, "He who tends "himself" will eat its fruits in marriage, and whatever else he embarks on in his life.

If you originate from God, why are you looking to a mere stranger to heal your marriage troubles? God has told us what he wants for us to do for our marriage, but no one is following these precepts, not even those who call themselves Christian's. If you are sinning against the marriage in any way, how can you really expect the standards of society to save you from yourself? Society isn't going to tell you that being unfaithful is wrong, just as it won't tell you what is good and right for your marriage.

Society created the things that are tempting to us and wrong for our marriage. Immoral behavior and imagery is shoved into our face every single day and everywhere! God desperately wants us to put on His shield of armor and He will protect us from the evils of the outside world. This is precisely why we need to fix our self FIRST before we can fix anything with marriage! We do this by letting God lead us not into temptation of society, but instead deliver us from all the evils of society!

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full body armor (figuratively speaking) of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." [Ephesians 6:10-13]

We ought not to stand proud in our sin, but rather put our head down low, and stand humbly before God ready to give our sin(s) to Him. Now, I certainly don't know everything there is to know about the mysteries of God, and, like many of you, I am learning something new about the world around me every single day. Not a day goes by that God doesn't somehow and in some way reveal to me something new to share with others.

I have dealt with personally many of the issues most marriages go through in a lifetime, and sometimes my marriage was a living nightmare. But I grew out and away from what was holding me back, and I managed to heal my marriage with the help of biblical principles. I didn't learn how to be happy and content with myself by going to a therapist or a marriage counselor. And I knew that I couldn't fix my marriage until I fixed myself first. I had to stop drinking, and start to be aware of who I was as a person and where I was in relation to being that person.

What is my purpose? Who am I? Well, I am a child of God. Well then, if I am a child of God, then my source for comfort, happiness and marriage healing lies then in the seed God planted in my heart, which needs only to sprout and grow. Will the seed planted in my heart grow if I go outside of God's boundaries for the answers to my failings, and marriage troubles? No! I need to water the seed by staying within the boundaries of who I am.

One day I decided I wanted to understand what having spirituality in my life was all about, and eventually, I accepted Jesus Christ into my life. His Spirit, the Holy Spirit is a part of my life now. This is not something anyone can just hand over to you. Spirituality is something that you go after and attain on your own and it takes time and spiritual effort. Your relationship with God (Jesus Christ) is unique and special and unlike anyone else's relationship with Him.

True Marriage Healing is not made in a week, or months, but is a gradual growth process that husband and wife make within himself or herself. No marriage will ever be restored until "each" spouse looks at what he can do to change himself. Once this is attained, then and only then, can the marriage begin to be transformed? The big change comes through when we know who we are and what our purpose is in life. When we feel like our life has purpose and meaning, then we can start applying that purpose into our lives.

Many couples when they feel like there is no value or importance attached to their life, that is when they may go outside the boundaries of Gods precepts and search for substance through the establishments of society. The main objective here is for couples to change the way they value themselves and marriage and to help the marriage to grow in positive ways.

Who are you? What is your purpose in life? The answers are where you begin your search for the true source of marriage healing.

~~~

Angie Lewis is the author of Journey on the Roads Less Traveled, a book about love, life and marriage. Angie has written a new book, Love The Man Your Married. In her book Angie shares and answers comments and questions from married couples about marriage related issues that affect couples today.

The book involves all areas in marriage that couples need to know and understand and apply for a successful marriage. This book is a most reliable resource for married couples, from infidelity issues to complete forgiveness. It is my hope that all couples find and begin to utilize the biblical truths for their marriage by reading and studying this book.

If you value your relationship with your spouse, and want to read about positive ways to save your marriage, then this book is a must read! Pick up a copy today!

Subscribe to get your FREE monthly newsletter so you can learn to stay happily and forever married! http://www.heavenministries.com

Eternity Commitment: The 21st Century Alternative to Marriage: Never be Divorced!

2011-01-28T03:35:00.000-08:00

The time is here for a new paradigm in lifelong relationships. During the 20th Century, it was clear that what has been the model and structure for lifetime monogamous relationships was NOT WORKING! I am referring to the dysfunctional relationship called Marriage as defined and shaped by state lawmakers. Relationships are not the problem; it is the financial structure of the institution of marriage as designed by lawmakers which is diminishing the desire for people to marry.

There has been an 1150% increase in cohabitation in the last 40 years. At the same time the divorce rate in America continues to climb and is one of the highest per capita in the world. Since the advent of marriage laws in the early 1900's, divorces have increased 500% on a per capita basis. All relationships have their challenges. Usually we view these challenges as personality and lifestyle differences. During marriage there is a continual need to work through personality and lifestyle differences while maintaining a healthy loving relationship. There is also a second challenge which most of us do not consider when entertaining the prospect of marriage. State and federal family law legislation has added another variable to the marriage dynamic -- that of joint money, joint liability for debts and joint ownership of assets. Why did lawmakers include joint ownership of accumulated assets, liability, debt and judgments into the institution of marriage? Does this enhance the relationship or increase the potential longevity? Does this criterion change the motivations for marriage? What about the effect on the motivations for divorce? Is current family law what our faith-based forefathers intended?

More than 15 million people in America are cohabiting and this number is increasing exponentially. For the first time in history, there are more unmarried households than married households. America is in the midst of a major societal revolution as it pertains to traditional relationships and lifelong intimate commitments. The blame rests in part with State family laws (marriage/divorce laws), State/Federal marriage tax penalties and Social Security entitlement penalties for the married. Other reasons for the high divorce rates are directly attributed to a major social shift in the commitment of marriage coupled with societal acceptance of multiple intimate relationships in a persons lifetime.

Psychologists have claimed money and finances are the number one reason for dysfunctional marriages. What if money issues were not part of your loving lifelong relationship? The Eternity Commitment or EC is an alternative to marriage where you have a committed lifelong relationship; however do not have the issues of joint money and possessions.

Thousands of years ago, marriage was created and defined by the different religions as the lifelong bonding of loving heterosexual couples, thus creating a family unit recognized by God. Marriage was blessed by the clergy and vows shared and expressed publicly under the eyes of God at the appropriate ceremony. Marriage was a spiritual commitment where the man and woman became one spiritually, not financially. There was no government intervention or marriage law mandating that marriage was a financial partnership. It would have been superfluous because religion strongly discouraged divorce.

The traditional structure of marriage created thousands of years ago is more functional and self-sustaining than marriage as it is structured today. Modern society has imposed a myriad of challenges to any formal relationship including marriage itself. The inclusion of the state-mandated financial partnership with the institution of marriage has resulted in dysfunctional motives for all aspects and phases of the marriage relationship.

Most couples believe marriage is a single lifelong commitment. However, there are actually three commitments within the realm of marriage. The first is the personal commitment of love and companionship for life. This is the most important commitment for without this commitment no other commitment will survive. The second commitment is the spiritual or faith-based commitment. This is optional based on a person's faith. The third commitment is the marital law commitment. This is the commitment of a financial structure for your marital relationship. The structure of the marital law financial structure is synonymous with forming a 50/50 business partnership. Yes, you could just as easily duplicate the financial structure of marriage with the formation of a 50/50 business. With marriage, incomes are considered to be joint income, debt acquired by either person is joint or community debt, the couple forms one legal entity and the couple is one "taxed" entity according to the IRS. Just like a business partnership. I know of no couples who marry for the purpose of forming a business partnership. This is the basis of the dysfunctional relationship of present-day marriage.

Many 21st century couples do not want the state-mandated financial design of marriage nor do they want to ever experience the emotional trauma or financial repercussions of divorce. Therefore, they choose NOT to marry. Imagine having the freedom to design your own financial structure for your lifelong relationship rather than being forced into state-imposed rules. The Eternity Commitment gives you that option. You decide what is best for you during your relationship. AND with an EC you never get divorced.

Most people dont realize that when a marriage license is obtained you are opting for and agreeing to the state mandated financial structure of your lifelong relationship. A marriage license has nothing to do with your spiritual or personal commitment. In all 50 States, a marriage license is optional for your committed loving relationship. There are many benefits and reasons to opt for an Eternity commitment.

The Eternity Commitment is a relationship of love and companionship for life. It represents the traditional structure for the family which has endured for thousands of years. In the early 1900s lawmakers enacted thousands of laws which re-characterized marriage to be a relationship of money, debt and possessions. When you analyze marriage laws, they are not about love, honor and cherish until death do you part. They are about joint ownership of property, debt, liabilities, businesses, retirement moneys, etc which in reality resembles a 50/50 business structure. People dont marry to become business/financial partners; they do so to make a commitment to share love and companionship for life. So why complicate the intimate relationship with spending/saving habits of a partner when there is an alternative to keep the finances separate.

The Eternity Commitment is a lifelong commitment of an intimate relationship not involving marriage. The financial structure of the Eternity Commitment is self-defined between the consenting adults, thus bypassing and avoiding a state mandated financial structure for marriage. The financial structure of an Eternity Commitment is similar to that of a joint venture where individuals keep their financial and legal identities when sharing an intimate relationship of love and companionship. With an EC a checking account is established for the depository of funds to pay joint living expenses. In contrast, the financial structure of marriage is where the two parties become one financial, legal and taxed entity. Everything is joint ownership. The structure of marriage has within it inherent strife and conflict associated with spending and savings philosophies and ideologies. The meshing of money and possessions with the marriage is dysfunctional to the intimate relationship. In essence, the financial structure of marriage is contributory to the high divorce statistics.

In recent years, Common Law Marriage has been abolished in all 50 States (with a few caveats), so cohabiting with an intimate relationship will not automatically presume you are legally married. Today, you have a choice to marry or not to marry... or have an Eternity Commitment.

State marriage laws do not enforce the primary commitment of marriage, "until death do us part". Therefore, the institution of marriage in no way protects a marriage from failure. If one person desires a divorce, the courts will grant it. The process of divorce is in reality, the process of splitting the co-mingled assets and debts. In many cases, the person breaking the commitment of marriage will profit financially because they will receive enrichment from their ex-spouse for the investment they made in the marriage. Thus, state lawmakers have created immoral incentives for divorce.

With an Eternity Commitment all property, money, retirement, investments, assets, debts, etc. remain sole and separate unless the two involved agree to include them in the joint venture portion of their relationship. Therefore, if there is a separation of people, there is no need to separate money and possessions because these are already separate. This is in contrast to marriage where all assets, debts and liabilities are co-mingled or made apart of the community as mandated by marriage law. Therefore, the requirement to split assets is the premise for the divorce.

Because of the high probability and risk of divorce, people are increasingly becoming disenchanted with marriage. Rightfully so -- because if the love in a marriage ceases, all that remains is money and possessions. This is the origin of emotionally charged and expensive divorces. The person who has financially invested the most in the marriage has the most to lose in a divorce.

The pitfalls that lead people to forgo marriage are the beliefs that people:

1. Marry for money,

2. Stay married because of money issues,

3. Manipulate their spouses while married over money and possessions,

4. And last but not least, divorce for money (financial enrichment).

As mentioned earlier, there are numerous marriage tax penalties and Social Security Entitlement reductions for the married.

The Eternity Commitment returns the lifelong loving relationship to that of tradition -- to the structure created for marriage by various religions thousands of years ago, and before the introduction of marriage laws of the early 1900s. With an Eternity Commitment the spiritual and ceremonial aspects of marriage are preserved where the celebration of your commitment may be blessed by a spiritual leader and vows expressed in a ceremony similar to a wedding. There is also an Eternity ring to visually and personally express your commitment.

Many people have questioned the institution of marriage, and rightly so. What you get today with marriage is not what religions historically created for lifelong relationships. However, today most people marry based on the traditional structure and beliefs about marriage. They soon learn tradition is not present-day reality. Marriage laws have superseded the faith-based structure and commitment of marriage.

Financial losses from divorce can be enormous and devastating, especially for the wealthy. Paul McCartney is facing the prospect of paying $400 million dollars to Heather Mills for a failed short term marriage. This is outrageous! Similar divorces occur in America. With most areas of asset protection there are loss insurance and corporate structures to protect individuals. No insurance companies protect individuals from divorce losses. The Eternity Commitment has a financial structure to provide this protection.

The alternative form of a lifelong commitment termed the Eternity Commitment defines the structure to eliminate the financial implications and dysfunctional behaviors of marriage/divorce. It focuses on the original premise of a lifetime relationship to be one of love and commitment.

The desire for people to marry will continue to decline and marriage will continue to be in crisis in America as long as state family laws have incentives for divorce and self-serving and immoral spousal behavior. Divorce must stop penalizing the spouse who has invested the most in the marriage. In addition, the marriage penalty tax still remains in many aspects of federal and state tax law and must be eliminated for people to desire marriage. Social Security entitlements should not be reduced for retirees who marry.

In America we enjoy many freedoms. The freedom to design our own financial structure for our lifelong loving relationship is one such freedom. The book Eternity Commitment shows you how to do this and how to avoid the pitfalls inherent with the state-mandated financial structure of marriage. The Eternity Commitment is the relationship structure where you never get divorced! The book contains a FREE Eternity Commitment Companionship Agreement which is a $500 value if you hired an attorney to write this for you. This document outlines the understanding and provides a self-defined financial structure for your lifelong relationship.

For more information and to order the book, Eternity Commitment go to:

www.eternitycommitment.com [http://www.eternitycommitment.com] Or to order call 888-280-7715. Learn the 50 reasons to have an Eternity Commitment instead of marriage. The book is 172 pages containing many divorce stories, an Eternity Commitment Agreement, a list of behavior to expect if your spouse is planning divorce. Protect your ass at least your assets from divorce.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Todd Stephenson was born in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania in 1954. He went to early schooling in Pennsylvania. He moved to Phoenix, Arizona in 1969 where he now resides.

In 1978 he graduated from Northern Arizona University with a Bachelor of Science Degree in Business Administration with an emphasis in Marketing and Management. He moved back to Harrisburg in 1978 to work with his father?s business. In 1980 he returned to college at University of Texas at El Paso to obtain a Masters in Business Administration ? emphasis in Finance. Todd is an avid investor and has strategies employed in his personal life for asset protection.

In 1981 Todd was hired by AT&T and relocated to Houston, Texas. He worked for AT&T for 3 years. He then worked for Lee Data Corporation for 4 years. Then he was hired by US West (now Qwest) and worked there for 7 years. After jumping between several other jobs and attaining a VP of Sales title, he started his own communications technology company. He has been president of this corporation for eight years.

Todd has an Eternity Commitment.

Family Marriage Counseling - Is it My Last Resort?

2011-01-28T00:33:00.000-08:00

There is no marriage or relationship out there that is always smooth sailing. A marriage is never free from trouble, problems or obstacles. The main factor is when couples are faced with marriage troubles, how they navigate through those problems and coming up triumphant is important. Sadly, most couples look at family marriage counseling as a last resort to saving their troubled marriage from ending up in a divorce.

Think that way and you will definitely regret it later for not taking the option of talking to a marriage counselor earlier. Talking to a marriage counselor can be a proactive action to help couples stabilize their marriage and ensure that they stay married for a longer time. Through marriage therapy counseling, couples will learn to minimize conflict.

Conflicts in a marriage cannot be avoided. There are a variety of reasons that can cause a couple to have conflicts in a marriage. To err is human. Saying the wrong words at the wrong time can sometimes cause couples to clash. However, most conflicts in marriage can actually be readily resolved. However, there are some marriage troubles that do require help and intervention from others. When this happens, I highly recommend you seek help from a marriage and family counseling specialist.

Our marriage institution is so fragile now that the moment there is a sign of trouble, couples just give up. They believe the process of recovery is too painful and long to contemplate. When you try to solve your marriage troubles without help from a marriage counselor, it will seem like an insurmountable obstacle to face. However, as mentioned earlier, giving family marriage counseling a chance will help you build a more fulfilling, happy and stronger marriage.

Nevertheless, it is important that you do not have unrealistic expectations before meeting a marriage counselor. Results cannot be achieved overnight. Your marriage troubles take time to develop before it erupts. Hence both spouses must agree to invest their time and resources into fixing their troubled marriage. Any decisions into the direction of the marriage can only be determined by both spouses and not a marriage counselor. A counselor is there to only guide couples into making the right decision that is best for their marriage.

What will be the focus during family marriage counseling?

Almost all marriage therapist will advice couples to put their past behind. Couples are taught how to forgive each other. They learn how to trust and be compassionate again. Most importantly couples learn to start with a clean slate and make decisions that come from their hearts.

It is a common behavior for couples to use past transgressions as ammunition towards their spouse when new mistakes are made. The blame game can also be a contributing factor just to justify your anger every time a spouse stumbles. These are destructive behaviors that can cause repair in a marriage to hit the wall and can cause married couples to feel unhappy, exhausted and frustrated. Never justify your actions as an excuse to inflict hurt on your spouse just because they wronged you first.

Yes, the cost of marriage counseling does not come cheap. However, divorce proceedings are not any cheaper. Not to mention the emotional scars that accompanies any divorce, not only on couples but also on the children.

Seeking family marriage counseling when you try to fix your troubled marriage is a much simpler way for couples to discuss problems and issues that is affecting their marriage. It is done in an amicable environment with a mediator who has the same goal as you and your spouse - to save your troubled marriage. Surely, it is something worth considering and trying.

What you need to do next is discover if it is worth going for marriage counseling or lose everything you love. Imagine how your marriage will be after going through a successful Marriage Therapy Counseling Do everything you can to Saving Your Marriage because your troubled marriage is worth saving.

Don't Spitz Out! 3 Tips For Marriage CPR

2011-01-27T19:52:00.000-08:00

You know more today about Elliott Spitzer's marriage than his wife did last month. That's a scary thought if you're her, and also probably for you. Do you wonder about your own marriage?

Everything seemed fine to everyone around the Spitzers, maybe like it does to everyone around you. After all, who could ask for anything more? Money, prestige, power-the Spitzers had it all, right? If that's true, then why did their marriage "Spitz Out?" And how did it get so out of control? (Call girls?) All of which begs the question you're asking: "How can I keep my marriage from Spitzing Out?"

Having coached thousands of couples over three decades as a Marriage Coach, some of whom have had affairs, Dr. Joey Faucette says most wives and husbands want to stay married, but just don't know how to consistently keep their marriage vital and alive. They struggle with how to recover from relationship rips that tear at the heart of the marriage. The necessary healing never happens, their affections alienate, and they Spitz Out.

Like you, they're just not sure how to do Marriage CPR and avoid Spitzing Out.

There are some common characteristics that successful couples live into to perform CPR on their marriage. You can learn and live these tips daily so your marriage doesn't Spitz Out.

THE FIRST TIP: CONSERVE YOUR MARRIAGE

The heart of your marriage requires that both of you conserve your marriage just as carefully as the paramedics try to conserve your heart muscle and get it beating again when you suffer a heart attack.

How do you conserve your marriage's heart like successful couples do?

You make your relationship with your spouse a priority, of primary importance, first place among all of the other relationships. You take care of your marriage relationship first before you do anything else, making sure that it's beating enough to sustain the life of your marriage.

What does this look like in your everyday world?

Basically it means you don't give all of your "best self," your energy and attention to other relationships such as work. You Conserve your energy and attention so that when you come home at the end of the day, you have lots of your "best self" to share with your spouse.

When you give away your primary energy and attention to work or some other relationship, you replace your marriage as the priority relationship in your world. You commit emotional adultery, giving away to another without conserving enough of you to share with your spouse at the end of the day.

How do you know when you're in an emotionally adulterous affair with work? Answer these questions honestly:

1. How many days a week do I work so intensely that I can't carry my end of a conversation with my spouse?

2. How many weeks do I work more than 45 hours?

3. How many months have passed since I planned a special evening or get-away weekend with my spouse-just the two of us?

Your answers to these questions aren't intended to create a paralyzing guilt, but a motivating drive to change your habits. Your choices are:

a. conserve time, energy, and attention for your spouse, or;

b. Spitz Out!

As with any form of CPR, your immediate attention increases the survival rate. Don't delay by wondering if you're having an emotional adulterous affair with work or someone else. If your answers create even a suspicion you might be, act now like there is no tomorrow. What can you do to conserve your marriage?

Try these immediate actions:

1. Conserve your energy and attention today. Let others own their situations and problems.

2. If you've worked too much this week, take off early Friday afternoon and do something fun.

3. Call your spouse right now and plan an experience for just the two of you.

The first way not to Spitz Out in your marriage and stay married is to Conserve energy and attention for your marriage, treating your spouse as if he or she is your most important relationship. The C in Marriage CPR that prevents you from Spitzing Out is to Conserve energy and attention.

THE SECOND TIP: PRESERVE YOUR MARRIAGE

Do you remember how when you were dating, your spouse took your breath away?

When you decide not to Spitz Out so you have a healthy Marriage, you Preserve certain qualities in your relationship that you found so appealing when you were dating. You breathe life from your dating days back into your marriage.

Just as CPR for the body requires restarting the heart, your marriage Conserves and the heart beats again. Next, just as CPR breathes new breath into the lungs, so you Preserve your marriage with a new breath of life.

Your daily life seems intent on knocking the breath out of your marriage at times, doesn't it? There's so much that hits you marked "Urgent" or "Important" whether it's at work or at home. Fending off these blows is critical to not Spitzing Out in your marriage.

Here's how you can fend off those blows that knock the breath of your marriage and breathe life back into your relationship by Preserving your marriage:

1. If you sent your then-girlfriend-now-wife flowers at work on the monthly anniversary of your first date and she loved it, send her flowers at work on the monthly anniversary of your wedding or first date for a few months. I promise-she hasn't forgotten what you did while you were dating!

2. If you played golf with your then-boyfriend-now-husband at least one weekend a month while dating, do it again. If it's been awhile since you two played together, be prepared to call 9-1-1, but he'll recover. He hasn't forgotten what you did for him while dating!

Couples far too often relax after saying "I do," almost as if they say, "I'm done." They date each other hard, then put up the relationship as if they were finished trying. Breathe back into your marriage relationship those dating qualities that you remember and cherish. Get them out of your head as memories and into your everyday world as marriage savers.

The second way to not Spitz Out in your marriage and do CPR on your marriage is to Preserve your dating qualities in your relationship. Successful couples discover it prevents you from smiling and dialing call girls. The P in Marriage CPR that prevents you from Spitzing Out is to Preserve great qualities.

THE THIRD TIP: RESERVE YOUR MARRIAGE

Once you Conserve the heart of your marriage by making it the most important relationship you're in, and once you Preserve the breath of your marriage by breathing those dating qualities back into your marriage, then you are ready to Resuscitate your marriage. You Reserve time to live a great married life.

The time vampires constantly fly around your home, just waiting for a chance to suck the minutes out of your marriage. And the choices aren't always between "good" and "bad" things, but often it's between "good, better, and best."

When you do CPR on your marriage, you Reserve time for what's best for your relationship with your spouse. Now the obvious times to reserve are anniversaries and birthdays. Successful couples that don't Spitz Out do more than the obvious. Be creative. Here are four ideas you can implement almost immediately.

1. Celebrate the anniversary of your first date. Talk about what you remember of it. If you have children at home, tell them the story of your first date-at least the parts you want them to know about right now.

2. Reserve time for each other at least three evenings a week to talk. Your conversation doesn't have to be "heavy" navel-gazing. It can be about who you saw or spoke to today that you haven't seen in a while or what you ate for lunch that was delicious. Just communicate.

3. Reserve time and plan a date night weekly.

4. Reserve time to celebrate spontaneously by planning "Just Because" experiences. Every couple of months or so, have a "Happy Tuesday" celebration for no reason other than it's a Tuesday.

Time is a non-renewable resource. Once you spend it, that minute is gone. There is no second chance to recycle. Invest your greatest asset-time-in your marriage relationship.

The third way to avoid a Spitz Out in your marriage and stay married is to Reserve time for your relationship with your spouse. Successful couples find it keeps your intimacy delightfully intense at home. The R in Marriage CPR that prevents you from Spitzing Out is to Reserve time.

START YOUR MARRIAGE CPR TODAY!

Don't Spitz Out. Do CPR on your marriage:

1. Conserve the heart of your energy and attention for your spouse,

2. Preserve your dating qualities and breathe those into your marriage, and;

3. Resuscitate your Marriage by Reserving time to for each other,

and live hapily ever after!

Marriage Coach Dr. Joey Faucette has helped thousands of couples over the last three decades to avoid the emotional and financial devastation of divorce and discover the satisfaction and stimulation of Staying Married Forever. You go to the C.O.R.E. of your marriage when you live into the joy of Conflict resolution, the strength of how Opposites attract, the understanding of your Relevant issues, and the pleasure that comes with knowing how to Express yourself.

Go deep into the C.O.R.E. of your marriage with Dr. Joey Faucette through Couple Coaching, the Ultimate At-Home Study Course, teleseminars, and other effective Stay Married Forever resources. Go to http://www.StayMarriedForever.org or call 1.877.4DRJOEY now.

While you're at http://www.StayMarriedForever.org get your FREE CD of Dr. Joey's Top 10 Ways to Stay Married Forever. Look under Resources and get yours today.

Marriage Vows - How To Ensure Your Marriage Vows Forge A Lifelong Love Marriage

2011-01-27T15:02:00.000-08:00

Marriage vows are tremendously important to the success of your marriage. Your marriage vows embody the emotional, physical and mental commitment between you and your partner and mustn't be taken lightly. As you contemplate and research marriage ceremonies and vows remember that it is not so much the words that are important, but the intent behind them. Here are 3 ways to guarantee that your marriage vows support you through a lifetime of married love, passion and romance....

The power of the vow

Marriage is the joining of two separate people in a shared love relationship of mutual support. Most marriages result from feelings of attraction and love and a desire for a permanent union but long-term marriage success requires a true commitment. In traditional marriage vows, the happy couple make promises to each other to the affect that they will care for and support each other through thick and thin. Some modern marriage vows contain too many escape clauses and read like a complex business contract with many stipulated conditions. I advise against weakening your marriage vow in any way. Make a real promise to each other. Acknowledge that there will be difficult times ahead. But make that promise that you will do your utmost to love no matter what. Remember that a vow is something more than a promise. It is of the heart and of your very spirit. A real vow is unbreakable. To break it is to break yourself. Forge your marriage with vows of that strength. And just imagine what it will mean to you and your partner to hear that intention when you speak your vows to each other. It gives tremendous strength to a marriage.

Putting YOU into the vows

Making your marriage vows personal and important to you ensures that you can speak them with feeling and commitment. If using a traditional marriage vow script, make sure you get a copy of it ahead of time and study it. Look at the words together and discuss what they mean to you. Really get into the spirit of the words so that you attain a deeper understanding of what they mean and signify. Contemplate how you will apply these marriage vows in the future and visualise them carrying you through a lifetime of wedded bliss. If you have decided to write your own wedding vows, make sure that you personalise but not trivialise the vows. Think of your wedding vows as a magic spell that require great attention to the ingredients. Make sure your marriage ceremony vows embody the total loving commitment that you are promising each other. And when you come to speak them on your happy day, do so with full awareness of their great significance.

Working your marriage vows

You will discover that happy marriages are built on effort, commitment and love. Being 'in love' is largely a result of that inner explosion of feel-good neurochemicals that occurs when two people are attracted to each other. Over time this spontaneous 'chemistry' between couples can dilute if left to its own devices. You both have to work at re-stimulating this chemistry. Love starts as an adjective, describing the spontaneous state of Love between you, but it must continue as a verb, as something you both consciously do to and for each other. Remember this when you make your marriage vows to each other. Picture a future in which you both work at loving, cherishing and respecting each other. You will need to get creative and put on your thinking cap to do new things and keep the relationship fresh and exciting. Couples who embrace this responsibility enjoy deep abiding marriages. The initial stages of a romance are indeed wonderful and the love feels so good. But it is nothing compared to the deeper love achieved by a married couple who have loved consciously and given their full attention to each other by working their marriage vows everyday through a lifetime.

How to be married happily ever after...

So many marriages falter and fail. Sometimes it seems like everyone you know has experienced divorce either personally or by proxy. It's scary contemplating marriage in a world where so many marriages end in divorce and painful separations. What can you do to be different? Researchers interviewed long-term married couples who described themselves as 'very happily married'. It turns out that this top 1% of couples had unique love strategies and relationship secrets that they used daily to ensure a lifetime of wedded bliss. You now understand the importance of living by your marriage vows and 'loving' as something that you do consciously. Why not not make it easier to create a super marriage though? You can learn from these mentors and shortcut your learning curve. Imagine having the collective marriage wisdom of hundreds of couples. These unique marriage-enhancing strategies have been compiled for you in The 50 Secrets to Blissful Relationships.

Now you can be one of those couples whose marriages thrive and go from strength to strength. Or you can leave it to chance and risk becoming another divorce statistic. It makes sense to get the advice of those who are succeeding in love already. The 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships empowers you with the strategies to back up the promises you make in your wedding vows. I'm so happy to wish you a lifetime of wedded bliss and know that you can achieve that. With love.

Want a 'fairy tale' relationship? They do exist! Don't miss out! Discover the secrets to a blissful relationship at: http://www.blissfulrelationship.com your top tips resource for ensuring a lifetime of love fulfilling your marriage vows.

Immigration: Love, Marriage and the GreenCard by Shah Peerally, Esq.

2011-01-27T10:38:00.000-08:00

Marriage is a very important concept and establishment in the United States and as such Congress has determined that a foreign national who marries a United States Citizen spouse has the immediate ability to file for a permanent residence under a first category preference. It is good to know that a permanent residents ("greencard" holders) can also file a marriage petition however the waiting time for the priority date is long and therefore does not confer immediate ability to the beneficiary to obtain a greencard.

The first consideration in marriage cases is that the marriage has to be bona fide (literally in "good faith") or a marriage not with the intention of solely getting immigration benefits. A good faith marriage is predicated on the intent of the bride and groom to establish a life together at the time that they were married. The United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) formerly the INS ("Immigration"), has various criteria for determining if a marriage was entered in good faith. These include but are not limited to commingling of assets, joint leases, joint financial responsibilities, and pictures. It is generally accepted that a couple knows the most intimate affairs of each other. This is why it is very important to document your marriage in order to present evidence of your bona fide relationship. It is imperative that a person does not enter into a fraudulent marriage. A fraudulent marriage will penalize both the petitioner (US Citizen spouse) and the beneficiary (the person obtaining the benefits) and might even result in criminal charges including prison time. While Immigration does not recognize fraudulent marriages, they will recognize an arranged marriage as long as it is entered in good faith.

In order to file for a marriage petition, one should have a valid marriage. A valid marriage is one which is recognized in the State in which it takes place. For example, if Ram gets married to Anita in Nevada and moves to California, this marriage will be recognized by the Immigration. However, if Ram and Anita are first cousins, Nevada will not recognize the marriage and thus Immigration will also not recognize this marriage. This is very important because you might not know this fact until you file your petitions with the Immigration. Also if the marriage takes place, for instance, in Fiji, Immigration will recognize the marriage as long as the marriage is recognized in Fiji. Note that a proxy marriage will not be recognized. A proxy marriage is one where the bride and groom did not meet on the wedding day. The exception to this rule is if the marriage was consummated after the proxy marriage.

Once married, the paperwork can either be processed inside United States, if the beneficiary (the one obtaining the greencard) is in the United States or it can be processed overseas through the US consulates. In the case of processing the cases overseas, one can opt for a K3 visa to reduce the waiting time. Also if no marriage has yet taken place one can also bring his or her fiancé on a K1 visa. Such visas are only available for US citizen petitioners. On the other hand, in order for the marriage case to be processed in the United States, (a process called adjustment of status), the beneficiary has to have entered the United States legally albeit for one day. This means the person should have entered the US on a valid visa. Those who entered by crossing the border are out of luck unless they benefit from a provision under INA 245(i). This provision will require if any kind of petition was filed in the beneficiary's favor on or before April 30, 2001. There are many requirements to prove that you benefit from this provision of the law. You need to speak to an experienced attorney about your particular case. Also if you have overstayed on your visa, you definitely need to speak to an immigration attorney before you proceed with any kind of case.

During the adjustment of status process, you should not leave the United States unless you file and get an approved reentry/parole permit. You should know that a parole or reentry permit is not a guarantee of entry in the United States. It only allows you to board a plane and arrive at the port of entry in the US where an immigration officer will determine whether to allow you inside the US or not. If you have overstayed for more than 180 days on your visa before applying for a greencard, you should definitely not leave the United States. Indeed you will be subject to a 3 years bar. This bar will prevent the person not only from getting back into the US but also in obtaining permanent residence. At that point only a waiver can help you. It is important to know that waivers are not easy to obtain. If you overstayed more than 365 days before applying, again you should not leave because this time you will be subject to a 10 years bar. The same rule as the 3 years bar will apply except the bar is for 10 years now and the waiver is a lot harder to obtain.

Once you file for your marriage petition, you will be called for fingerprint and for an interview within 3 to 8 months, provided the papers are properly filed. You are supposed to attend this interview with your spouse and proofs that your marriage is bona fide (good faith). At this point, it is highly advisable to have an attorney present with you during such interviews. Indeed a licensed attorney will be allowed to sit with you at the interview. If the adjudicating officer is satisfied with the interview, and the security check is finalized; he or she will tell you that he or she will issue an answer soon. You might get an answer the next week that your case is approved and a letter welcoming you to the US as permanent resident.

On the other hand, if the Immigration gets proof or admission that the case is fraudulent, you might be arrested on the spot. At this point you are highly advised to remain silent until your attorney is present. In another case scenario, if the officer is not satisfied, you might be called for another interview or they might deny your case. Technically, if it is denied they will give you one month before referring the case to the Immigration Judge. This will allow your attorney to possibly file for a motion to reopen the case. If this fails then the case will be argued in immigration court. The immigration judge will review the case de novo (again) and make a determination. This means you have to prove your case or the government has to prove that your marriage was not bona fide. Again, it is highly recommended to hire an experienced attorney to move forward in such cases.

If the case is approved, the beneficiary will be issued a conditional residence if at the time the green card is issued the marriage was less than two years. You should verify if you have a conditional residence. Usually a conditional residence green card will have an expiry date of 2 years as from the date of issue. You will need to remove that conditional residence status as from 90 days from the second anniversary of the issue of the greencard by filing a Form I-751. It is imperative to file the removal otherwise your status will be terminated. Usually if you are still married to you US citizen spouse, you will file a joint petition to remove such conditions. If you can prove your marriage was bona fide, you will be given a permanent residence card for 10 years approximately 6 months after filing the Form I-751. If the Immigration has reason to suspect foul play, they will launch an investigation and then might even call you and your spouse for a removal of conditional residence interview. If they are satisfied, they will grant you unconditional permanent residence. If not they will refer the case to an immigration judge.

The question is what happens if there is a separation or divorce before or during the 90 days preceding the anniversary of the expiry of the conditional greencard. The following are few potential scenarios.

Divorce finalized prior to filing the removal of conditional residence.

In this case, one needs to file the removal of conditional residence waiver (Form I-751) even if the marriage has not reached two years. You will be required to prove that your marriage was entered in good faith and the marriage was not terminated through your fault. The process will follow typically the same path as when you file the case jointly with your wife;

Two years anniversary of the conditional green card has come to term and the divorce is not finalized. In this case, you will need to get the divorce finalized as soon as possible so that you can file the Form I-751 waiver; and

You were able to file your joint petition of removal of conditional residence and during this time your marriage is facing troubles and you separate and intent to divorce your spouse. You need to inform the USCIS and wait for the final divorce decree and file a Form I-751 again.

There are numerous other permutations of situations regarding the removal of conditional residence namely abusive US citizen spouses, or hardship situations. You should speak to your attorney regarding your particular case.

There are other provisions under the law to protect beneficiaries namely in case of abuse by US citizen spouses. In case, one is abused by his/her citizen spouse, one will be eligible to file for VAWA (Violence against Women Act) protection. Note that VAWA can be used in favor of man also. There are also situations where the US citizen spouse dies before the case is approved.

Because VAWA and other exceptional cases are very unique cases. We will try to cover them in our next article.

And remember, it is highly recommended to speak to an experience licensed attorney before filing any kind of immigration case.

The information contained in this article is provided for informational purposes only, and should not be construed as legal advice on any subject matter. No recipients of content from this article, clients or otherwise, should act or refrain from acting on the basis of any content included in the article without seeking the appropriate legal or other professional advice on the particular facts and circumstances at issue from an attorney licensed in the recipient's state. Shah Peerally is the managing for the Law Offices of Shah Peerally located in Fremont CA. The law office focuses on Immigration Law.

http://www.peerallylaw.com Ph:510 742 5887 Email:shah@peerallylaw.com

Law Offices of Shah Peerally 4510 Peralta Blvd, Ste 23 Fremont CA 94536 Phone: (510) 742 5887 http://www.peerallylaw.com Email: shah@peerallylaw.com

Information: Shah Peerally is the managing attorney for the Law Offices of Shah Peerally located in Fremont, California. Prior to his entrance into Immigration law practice, Shah worked in litigation and business law for Mc Nichols Randick O?Dea & Tooliatos LLP in Pleasanton, California. Later, Shah joined the Law Offices of Virender Goswami as a supervising attorney in business and employment immigration. Shah was also attorney of counsel for the Immigration law offices of Minter and Ahmad in Fremont, California. Fluent in French and Creole, Shah is a passionate and dedicated advocate. He is very active in the Muslim, Middle Eastern, South Asian and African communities. He regularly participates in lectures and free legal clinics. Shah has been personally commended by House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Congresswoman Barbara Lee for assisting in their immigration workshops.

Love and Marriage - 3 Ways to Make Your Love Marriage A Marriage Full Of Love

2011-01-27T06:31:00.000-08:00

When Frank Sinatra crooned, 'Love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage,' he was singing a universal truth. Without love, marriage is just a business arrangement. You want more than that from your marriage. You want the full fairy tale of wedded bliss, the fireworks of love, passion and romance. The funny thing is that if you want all that you do have to get down to business in your marriage. Here are 3 ways to ensure your marriage is full of love....

Your love marriage vows

Presuming your marriage is or was based initially on a mutual love attraction you have the perfect ingredients to guarantee a lifetime of married love. Remember your marriage vows. Marriage vows are legal declarations of love and the promise to love each other for a lifetime. They are truly significant and magical parts of a marriage ceremony and need to be honoured and treated with respect. You and your partner make a vow to love each other. A vow is the most solemn and earnest of promises. It is an unbreakable commitment. Treat it like that and it will become so for you. When you acknowledge your total commitment to that vow, you will move heaven and earth to make sure you keep your promise. You're gonna love your partner whether he or she likes it or not!

Love and marriage go together

Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage not only because they sound like a perfect match, but also because they forge a working alliance and they make a journey together. You and your marriage partner are going on a journey together. You have united as a team. Sometimes it will be you 'pulling the cart'. Sometimes it will be your partner. The best love marriages occur when you pull the cart together and are heading in the same direction! Be prepared to take 100% responsibility for taking your marriage where you want it to go. Pour your love into your marriage. Sweat for your marriage -- that's real love!

You can't disparage love and marriage

The love marriage is an 'institute you can't disparage'. That's an elementary fact if you want a lifetime of wedded bliss. To disparage means to belittle or disrespect. Sometimes it seems like much of the media is hellbent on disparaging love and marriage. There really aren't that many role models of long-term loving marriages being paraded in the media. Don't buy into their paradigm of a world where love marriages are unlikely, funny or doomed to divorce. Respect your love marriage, give it attention and care. Work hard and creatively to keep the chemistry bubbling between you and your beloved.

Love is a verb enacted in marriage

Love and marriage, you can't have one without the other. Marry these two together to forge an unshakeable alliance. Don't be lazy and wait for love to keep happening to you. That's a sure way for your marriage to slide off the rails. Emotions require you to get into motion. That mean's get off your butt and do something. Love in marriage is a verb. It's something that you choose to do. You consciously choose to love your partner and demonstrate that love through your actions, choices and words.

So what actions, choices and words will you use to grow this incredible love marriage of yours every single day? Why not emulate the love strategies and secrets that have built the most successful, most fulfilling marriages? It makes sense to discover and copy directly what the top 1% of long-term happy couples do to build terrific marriages. That's exactly what is contained in The 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships. Consider shortcutting your learning curve with this resource and taking 100% responsibility for the health of your married life and love relationship. This is the way to a lifetime of love and marriage happiness.

Marriage Discrimination - Can an LLC Help

2011-01-27T03:20:00.000-08:00

History has shown us that when any group is not allowed to fully participate in society, bad things happen.

Discrimination based on race, gender, religion, ethnic background, national origin, or sexual preference has run rampant throughout American history.

Women in the U.S. could not vote or run for office until 1920. Throughout history in many cultures, women and children were little more than property who could not own property.

In my native Virginia, blacks and whites could not legally marry until 1967. Slavery was moral, and a black man counted as 3/5 of a white man in the Constitution, and only in the "free" states.

"No __________ Need Apply"

Fill in your own favorites. Irish. Germans. Chinese.

Subjects like same-sex marriage evoke intense, overt, and cloaked emotional responses on so many levels as to guarantee a consensus will never be voluntarily reached.

Religious groups have a strong opinion. Governments at all levels take different stands and confuse the landscape. Individuals have their own agendas.

"Don't ask. Don't tell." Don't care?

Marriage was originally a religious ceremony and rite. Kings and queens were married by the Church, and clashed with the church when they didn't get to change marriage to suit their taste, as any fan of the Tudors series and Henry VIII well knows.

Problems often occur when governments get involved. Most have occurred in the past 100 years with the income tax in 1913 and standing armies after World War II. I won't go too deeply into the history, but how many financial breaks have been given to married couples in the tax code or as military dependents. The founding fathers were brilliant. Too bad we now have two institutions they would have never tolerated.

If the federal government had not created over 1,300 financial preferences and benefits available only to a one-man, one-woman married couple, same-sex marriage would not be an issue. Period. End of story.

These financial benefits were not created overnight. And as we discuss the 3 main groups who are affected by the current state of marriage in the U.S., it will become clear why the federal government will never voluntarily acquiesce regarding gay marriage.

First - some definitions:

LGBT - Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender

GLBT - Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender (will use LGBT as the more common term)

LGBTQ - Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning

SSM - same-sex marriage

Gay Marriage - marriage between biologically male-male or female-female couples

Civil Unions - state benefit for LGBT couples not recognized by the federal government

Domestic Partnerships - state benefit for opposite sex or LGBT couples not recognized by the federal government

Polyamory - two or more in open, multiple loving relationships

LLC - Limited Liability Company

When I refer to same-sex or gay marriage, I will use the term LGBT marriage to be all inclusive.

Disclosure:

I am a white heterosexual male married to a black female who is Lawful Permanent Resident (green card holder) of the United States. (Yes, it matters. Spouses of citizens and LPR's can immigrate to the U.S. LGBT spouses cannot, even if married in a state that recognizes gay marriage.)

My nephew is a gay white male. Together we recently formed an LLC to help LGBT couples form their own LLCs to recover some - not all - of the benefits given to marrieds.

In the past, some have claimed that an LLC can replace the marriage contract. Not hardly. But it can effectively eliminate the need for a prenuptial agreement, create a structure for LGBT couples to manage their financial affairs, and provide for a smoother transition if the relationship breaks up. And like current marriages, about half will dissolve.

The Great LGBT Debate:

Conflict over recognition of gay marriage comes down on 3 sides:

1. Traditional - one-man, one-woman of legal age, and those who believe this is the only legitimate marriage

2. Gay Marriage - include any non-traditional marriage or those who want to but who cannot legally marry

3. Non-Marrieds - all those who could legally marry but who choose not to

How do you tell the difference?

Traditional married couples get the benefits of marriage but don't think anyone else should get them.

Gays who want to be in recognized, committed relationships believe they should receive equal benefits under the law as other married couples.

People who are single by choice believe that all citizens should be treated equally by government whether married or not.

What are the many privileges and benefits given to married couples automatically and denied to LGBT couples?

Property:

equitable ownership based on marriage
marital trusts (AB Trusts)
QTIP and QDOT trusts

Taxes:

joint filing
creating a family partnership to distribute business income
combined gift tax exemptions

Healthcare:

health care decisions when spouse is incapacitated or in a medical emergency
included in spouse's health care insurance
the right to visit your partner in critical care
right to take up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave to take care of an ill partner, parent, child, or parent of partner (Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993)
right to purchase health insurance for a spouse after the loss of a job (COBRA)

Social Security:

spousal survivor benefit
spouse with a lower monthly benefit can choose to take either their benefit or one-half of the higher-earning spouse's benefit, whichever is greater
larger benefits if deceased spouse had higher benefits
lump-sum death payment to help with funeral expenses

Estates:

inheritance in the absence of a will
inheritance when married and not mentioned in a will (pretermitted spouse)
favorable estate tax rules

Military:

family medical and housing benefits
survivor benefits
veteran's benefits
health care
educational assistance
home loan guarantees
vocational training
base housing/housing allowances
separate maintenance
relocation expenses
PX

Federal Employment:

survivor benefits including lost wages, worker's comp, health insurance, and retirement benefits
health insurance for spouse

Immigration:

"sponsor" your spouse for permanent residence
also sponsor certain children of your spouse for permanent residence

Children:

rights and responsibilities of parenting whether through birth, adoption, or surrogacy (if not the birth mother)
visitation rights after "divorce"

Traditional/Anti-Gay Marriage Advocates:

The 1996 Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) limited federal recognition of marriage to opposite sex couples. In one page, the federal government codified right-wing Christian views and allowed states to ignore the Full Faith and Credit Clause of the U.S. Constitution and not recognize gay marriages performed in other states.

Point/Counterpoint:

1. The union between a man and a woman is the definition of marriage.

- Laws are created by man, and can be changed by man. Marriage has at least 2 definitions - what your religious authorities say it is, and what your civil authorities recognize. I take that back. The religious ceremony does not count unless the government issues a license.

2. Gays are not prohibited from getting married.

- True. They are just prohibited from marrying the person they love.

3. Gay marriage promotes deviant sexual behavior.

- LGBT individuals in committed relationships are less promiscuous.

4. Homosexuality is a choice.

- If homosexuality were a choice, and given the social stigma and discrimination, who would choose it.

5. Marriage is for procreation and family.

- If true, we would deny a marriage license to the infertile, impotent, and post-menopausal.

6. Children should not be raised in LGBT households.

- Love from parents is shown to be critical in child rearing, not gender. Even a convicted felon child molester can legally marry and procreate. If the government legalizes gay marriage, can LGBT adoption be far behind?

7. Gay marriage violates the sanctity of marriage.

- Whether or not a marriage is sacred is a religious call. What is sacred for one religion is not acceptable to another. Do we recognize plural marriage for American Muslims? Sanctity is a religious concept, not civil. Our government should not be in the business of sanctifying anything.

8. SSM is a threat to the institution of marriage.

- Marriage is a threat to marriage. How does anything with over a 50% failure rate need an outside threat?

9. Gay marriage threatens the continuation of the human race.

- Has anyone noticed a shortage of people lately? Are we all going LGBT?

10. Allowing LGBT marriage would be granting special rights to gays since they can already get married (to an opposite sex partner).

- LGBT couples are advocating for equal rights, not special. People want the right to marry the partner of their choice.

11. LGBT marriage will lead to legalized incest, bestiality, pedophilia, polygamy, and who knows what.

- Classic scare technique when other arguments fail. In countries where gay marriage is common, there has been no slide down the slippery slope to other activities.

12. Churches would be forced to marry LGBT couples against their doctrines.

- I especially like this one. When the government codifies Christian principles (one-man, one-woman marriage), that recognizes religious freedom and separation of church and state. If the government codifies a different belief, then the separation of church and state is out the window and churches will be forced to celebrate gay marriage. No church is forced to perform a marriage.

13. If LGBT marriage is legal, alternative lifestyles will be taught in the public schools.

- Why is any lifestyle being taught in the public schools? Is marriage one of the 3 Rs? Is it any wonder our kids are crushed in science and math competitions? What will result is a reduction in discrimination and intolerance toward LGBT individuals.

14. LGBT couple offends everything that religion and morality stand for.

- Morality is one of the most elastic and flexible concepts invented by man. Some U.S. churches perform wedding ceremonies. Most do not. Morality has nothing to do with it. Thou shalt not kill except the designated enemy. Thou shalt not steal, unless you call it taxes. How can someone violate a morality we cannot even define?

15. Homosexuality is unnatural.

- I think of this as the Christian conundrum. God is perfect. He created the world in his image. ("God don't make no junk.") Since God didn't make homosexuals, it must be a choice, like the choice to kill, steal, or be evil in general. Unfortunately, animal studies find homosexual behavior in about 450 species. Did God make that much junk?

16. The "OOOH" Factor. Just the thought of gay sex is repulsive.

- Finally a little honesty. But heterosexuals also get this feeling with unattractive members of the opposite sex. Only way to cure this one is to not think about it, which can be a problem for those still in the closet.

17. Gay marriage would violate sodomy laws.

- If marriage legalizes sex, then gay marriage and sodomy laws cannot coexist. Most sodomy laws have been shot down by the Supreme Court. Many were used against straight couples engaging in oral or anal sex. Sodomy laws are an ultimate tool for selective enforcement against homosexuals.

Gay Couples Seeking Marriage:

For LGBT adults seeking to proclaim their commitments to each other, marriage is more than legalized sex.

Reasons to legalize LGBT marriages:

1. Equal rights.

The right to marry the person of your choice is considered a fundamental human right. Coercion is considered wrong, whether it is to a person your family forced you to marry or to a person of a gender you are not attracted to.

2. Legal rights.

One of the most troubling situations for LGBT couples involves emergency and terminal medical care. In most states, with a Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare, a same-sex partner can make no decisions about the partner's health care. Family members who disapprove of the relationship can even deny visitation to the patient in the hospital.

At this time, a partner is not considered a "spouse, or next of kin."

Without an explicit directive in a will, a long time partner could be shut out of funeral arrangements and inheritance, even for property that was jointly held.

One would assume that adoptions will also increase as individuals who want a family but who cannot procreate take on the responsibilities for children in need.

3. Financial benefits.

Same-sex couples are denied 1,300+ benefits available to straight married couples. Why are they paying more in taxes and receiving less in benefits? Discrimination exposes the major flaw of democracy - mob rule.

Financial advantages that apply to male-female marriages should apply to all marriages.

4. Discrimination.

Prohibition against LGBT marriage is another form of discrimination against minorities that is currently acceptable to the majority.

Before 1967, it was illegal for a white man to be married to a black woman in Virginia (Loving v. Virginia). The couple was legally married in D.C. and arrested when they lived as man and wife in Virginia. (As with DOMA, no Full Faith and Credit Clause recognition of the D.C. wedding, as is the case today if the couple were gay and had married in Massachusetts.)

Discrimination over our history has been shown to dehumanize select members of our society and to damage our society as a whole.

5. Biology.

Same-sex attraction is biologically determined. Love is what counts. Why should LGBT individuals be forced to deny their nature?

6. Advantages for society.

LGBT couples are more stable and responsible and help society in general. Risky, promiscuous behavior is curtailed. More parents are available to adopt orphans in need. Strong family values benefit everyone.

Allowing gay marriages helps, not hurts, society.

Marriage is a commitment between 2 individuals. How does it hurt others outside of the relationship? Again, we see how adding religion or the government as a third party to the contract causes problems.

My opinion is that when we stop making gay marriage such a big deal, it won't be such a big deal?

Unmarrieds:

Single, divorced, widowed, never-married, and don't want to be married have a simple agenda.

Stop screwing us.

Get rid of all preferences for marrieds over unmarrieds.

Just stop it.

Equal protection under the law. Then all of the other issues go away.

DINKS

DINKS are an advertisers dream. Dual income, no kids. The LGBT community is America's wealthiest consumer demographic.

I hate to say it, but I believe that the economic success of the LGBT community is a golden goose the USG will not kill.

Follow the money.

In a bad economy, how much tax revenue would the government lose if LGBT couples were given all the financial benefits given to male-female marrieds? How many more federal and state benefits will LGBT couples receive if treated fairly?

I don't see the government giving in any time soon.

The LLC Solution

In all fairness, I should say it's a temporary and partial solution. Nothing can replace all of the financial benefits of marriage except complete LGBT marriage or complete elimination of benefits to marrieds.

The red states are too numerous and politically connected to offer social equality.

In the meantime, LGBT couples can use a Limited Liability Company to recover some of the rights given automatically to male-female married couples.

Can an LLC replace a marriage contract? Of course not, but it's your financial base. It could easily take the place of a prenuptial agreement even in states where gay marriage is recognized.

An LLC is NOT a:

complete substitute for marriage
contract for sex
personal services contract

What an LLC can do:

clarify your financial rights and responsibilities
serve as a public declaration of your commitment to each other
determine what cash or property each party will contribute to the LLC
determine how profits from the LLC are to be distributed
specify how the property will be divided in case the LLC is dissolved
avoid arguments if the relationship breaks up and the LLC is terminated
keep separate property distinct from joint property
shift liability for debts from the individuals to the LLC
can provide benefits like health insurance
may provide additional tax benefits and deductions

An LLC accomplishes many of the aspects of a prenuptial agreement without the personal negative connotations. An LLC is a business - no "if you really loved me you wouldn't ask me to sign a prenup" drama.

In the event that same-sex marriage becomes the law of the land, your financial affairs are already in place.

LGBT couples can use an LLC as a base. This is where you want to keep your joint property. You may have individual LLCs or other entities like trusts and partnerships, but save this base LLC for property you own jointly with your partner.

Next step:

If you and your partner(s) fall into one of the following categories, I hope you will visit our blog to learn more about a Secure Couple LLC ? and how it can help you:

- LGBT couples
- elderly considering remarriage
- non-traditional family units
- polyamory groups of loving individuals
- sugardaddy/mistress
- single moms/baby daddies

While LGBT couples may have the greatest need, trust me, we don't discriminate.

Until same-sex marriages, domestic partnerships, and civil unions are recognized by the federal government, LGBT and alternative families will have to rely on a combination of a Secure Couple LLC ? and other legal documents to gain even a small portion of the 1,300+ legal and financial benefits available to married couples.

Visit http://securecouplellc.com for more information on how to structure your life to claim your relationship until society and the law catch up with reality.

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Charles F. Lamm is a retired attorney now working with Secure Couple LLC

Is Your Marriage Problem Severe Enough To Warrant Getting A Divorce?

2011-01-26T23:29:00.000-08:00

Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you're trying to do all you can to make your marriage work. Depending on how your marriage was prior to thinking that you had a marriage problem, you could be in for a hurtful time if you don't take a step back and look at your marriage problem from a "helicopter" viewpoint. To do that, you're going to need to try to limit your emotional stake in the situation which admittedly is a difficult thing to do.

The first step in getting over a marriage problem is to remember that you aren't alone, lots of couples have marriage problems that stem from all kinds of different types of behavior.

Here's a partial list of marriage problems that you may or may not be experiencing:

Marriage problem #1:

Lack of sexual intimacy - a serious issue that you must work through in my opinion if your going to work it out.

Marriage problem #2:

Exploding during an argument, getting too emotional and letting your temper get the best of you - you need to learn to work together and you can't do that if one of you is getting too heated.

Marriage problem #3:

Being selfish - eventually this will catch up to you. You should always think of your partner when you think of yourself.

Marriage problem #4:

Being dishonest - another serious issue. If you cannot be 100% honest and open with your mate, you're marriage is most likely doomed or at the very least unhappy.

Marriage problem #5:

Teasing too much - generally the husband does this but it could go either way. If there's a little bit of truth to the teasing or there's a greater marriage problem that incites the teasing, you could be in for a long road to recovery together. Chances are that you'll have a lot more work to do to correct this marriage problem.

Marriage problem #6:

Not respecting your spouse - this marriage problem can result in all types of other problems. If you are experiencing this you must get to the root of this and figure out why the disrespect is present. If you aren't getting the every day respect that you deserve, make it a priority to not let this go on another day.

Marriage problem #7:

Not being attentive to your spouse or not listening to your spouse - men are usually guilty of this marriage problem but is isn't exclusive to the weaker gender by any means. Really listening doesn't mean obeying, it means understanding what's important to your spouse and acting accordingly.

Obviously there are many other things that could be labeled a "marriage problem", you have to decide what those are as they pertain to your situation.

So, how do you figure out if a marriage problem or problems are severe enough to warrant a divorce?

You should first examine what your marriage problem actually is and decide if it is exclusively a problem for you or if it is something that you both consider to be a marriage problem. If you are the only one who sees the said action as a marriage problem, you have to decide whether or not that specific marriage problem is being caused by you or whether it is truly a problem brought on by your spouse. If the marriage problem is unique to you, seek some help from a counselor and do yourself the courtesy of trying to correct the problem before you believe that you need to run right out and get a divorce. You'll be a better person for it because you will have fixed something within yourself.

However, if you truly believe that the marriage problem is caused and prolonged by your spouse, sit down with yourself first and examine what you believe to be the root cause of the behavior that creates the marriage problem. Make sure that you are being logical when you identify the behavior that you feel is causing the marriage problem and try to recall if the traits or behavior that you've identified in your spouse are 'fixable' in your mind...assuming of course, that your spouse will agree that you are right.

Next, approach your spouse with the information that you've reflected on and try to talk through the cause of the marriage problem. Hopefully your spouse will be open to constructive discussion regarding the marriage problem so you can work through it together. If you cannot do work on the marriage problem together, seek the help of a mediator or marriage counselor so you can actually talk out the marriage problem logically. If you cannot work it out after counseling, other divorce advice, deep self-reflection and discussions, you should be able to decide whether or not the marriage problem warrants a divorce or not.

Of course, no one can decide this but you.

Karl Augustine

"A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce"

An eBook recommended by marriage counselors and relationship coaches to their clients.

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