It's A Wonderful Life

The tale of the lucky time-traveller

2013-10-16T00:43:00.003-07:00

I remember when I turned 23, I felt OLD.

I've been in college for longer than four years. I felt a little behind in life. And I honestly felt a little over the hill.

I know I know. No 23 year old is over the hill. But I still felt that way. And me being a little behind with semesters in college didn't help my feeling.

But one day, I time travelled. I swear!

I was daydreaming about myself as an 80 year old. I was old and brittle.

...and I was upset.

"Why didn't I do 'this' in life? Why didn't I do 'that' in life?"

I was an unaccomplished old man much closer to his deathbed than his crib. And I wanted nothing more than to go back to have a second chance.

"If only I could go back to when I was 23. I'd do things different. The things I was scared to do, I'll do them this time. Because here I am near my deathbed. It had to happen, so why didn't I have the courage or willpower the first time?"

WHOOSH!

I snapped out of it.

I looked around... I was 23 again!

That literally made me feel good. THere I was feeling old and over the hill, but a change of perspective gave me inspiration.

With this new inspiration, I want to do the things that my 80 year old self wish he did...

Call me crazy, but I felt like a time traveller. Feeling old, like I did things late in life. The suddenly, I'm young again!

We all have one life to live. Life's too short to live it sane.

Graduate And Move On

2013-09-25T20:11:00.000-07:00

“Fear is the glue that keeps you stuck. Faith is the solvent that sets you free.” - Shannon L. Alder

Don't plan forever.

I know some people that want to be in school forever, especially when recently graduated from college.

I have nothing against wanting to learn forever, even if that means taking classes at age 60, but school is supposed to be those learning years--the stages in life where you develop certain skills to be used elsewhere later in life.

School is preparation.

Graduating means "no more preparation, it's time to perform." And that is scary!

It's important to move on from that though. You can't stay in a frame of mind where you just want to prepare forever JUST BECAUSE it gives you something to do for the time being.

Take what you learn, and show the world.

Plans can be very important, but doing them forever is pointless.

Maybe just maybe you've learned enough to sustain yourself and grow. Have faith in yourself

Graduate... Then move on.

Be Seen Today, Especially If You're Not Ready

2013-07-19T07:29:00.000-07:00

"You can have the best product in the world, but if you don't know how to sell it, it's a waste of time." - Arnold Schwarzenegger

I have a huge problem. I am a perfectionist.

I don't finish projects because they aren't perfect. I am reluctant to start new projects because I know that it will be an endless amount of work that I won't ever be satisfied with. Therefore, completion of the work will never come.

That has to stop.

I've heard a great quote:

"Great art isn't completed--It's abandoned."

I feel like I need to pay more attention to that.

I think a huge lesson I have learned, but keep forgetting, is that I have to produce content. I have to produce relentless amounts of content.

Of all the supposed content that I should be releasing, none of it will be perfect. Lots of it won't be great. I have to accept that.

But the important thing is to keep dishing it out. Improvement comes with practice, hence why the content must be a non-stop outflow.

If somebody produces 10 things a week, and 2 of them are good, then TWO of them are good! That's a good thing.

It's better than not producing anything at all waiting for it to be perfect.

If you are waiting for "the perfect time" to lose weight, or begin something that you've been wanting to do for a while, that perfect time will never come.

If you want to produce youtube videos, but don't own a good enough camera, then use your sub par camera. Use your less than perfect cam, and get busy.

I'm Dirt!

2013-07-13T21:56:00.001-07:00

"Nobody cares about your dirt. 'Who you are inside' is meaningless aside from what it produces for other people." - This article... http://bit.ly/12MXIDf

I feel like I've always kind of known this, but never quite understood it until very recently-- I am dirt!

I, me, Sajen believes that he has a lot of worth inside him, but he doesn't feel he has much to show for it. I am nutritious rich dirt that has the ability to grow the largest redwood tree.

I know I can do it. I know I can grow that huge beautiful tree for all to see. I know I can grow that tree that surprises me when it grows. But, I haven't done it yet. Not yet... not yet...

So far, I'm the only one who knows what I'm possibly capable of, but that's not good enough. The world doesn't care about potential too much. It cares about results and effect. I'm the same way. I know I have a lot of potential, but that doesn't matter or impress me if I don't do anything about it.

Nobody cares about the dirt--me included. We all care about what grows from it.

Dirt is highly absorbent. It sucks water from the surface, and holds nutrients. Lots and lots of nutrients.

Dirt is a consumer.

However, put some effort to plant a seed water it and nurture the plant, and the dirt becomes something more than a consumer. It becomes a producer.

The tree is the star. Not the dirt

Fact: lately, I've been consuming way way too much. Content, music, reading, movies, food... I'm consuming it all.

Even with things I WANT to produce, I'm consuming way more from OTHER PEOPLE'S creations.

Consuming is important, but currently my scale is tipped in the "consumer's" advantage. I need to give the "producer" side a lot more attention, but that takes work.

Humans only want something that gives them a benefit. I need to provide the world with my "product" whatever that is. I'll feel accomplished having done it, and others will become the consumers of my efforts. They will get something out of me! That ups my value.

Hooray For Contradictions

2013-06-19T18:05:00.001-07:00

"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes." - Walt Whitman

Can you love something for a very specific reason, and hate it for the exact same reason?

Could a clear-canvas, unbiased mind listen to a republican give a spiel and agree with their points?
Could that same mind listen to a democrat's spiel and also agree with their complete opposite arguments?

Can you agree with both on an issue? Can you disagree with both on the exact same issue while simultaneously agreeing with it?

I think so. It's a contradiction, and I don't care. I see contradictions all the time. Guess what... The world doesn't implode because of the paradox. The world continues on housing contradictions as it turns.

It's so easy for the human brain to render clashing valid arguments as completely invalid.

Is something wrong with accepting a paradoxical mentality sometimes?

People have a hard time accepting that. They grab their pencils and papers and try to figure out what's logical. If they can't understand it, then it must be wrong.

What if two sides are wrong and right at the same time? Make sense? No it doesn't. But, maybe that's okay because contradiction is nature.

People have the ability to shape themselves into any shape. If the world provides round holes, you could become the square peg. Or maybe you become something that doesn't even resemble a peg.

If people adopt a trait 'here', an attribute 'there'... a habit from 'up', and a feature from 'down'... then maybe a person will become a unique one-of-a-kind entity--one that is self-contradictory perhaps.

Others can have a hard time accepting anything contradictory, so they will begin to bash and tear you down. They want you to make sense. They will shape you to fit the world's "round holes."

I don't see much wrong with celebrating your individual thoughts, ideas and feelings. Even if they don't all make sense with one another.

If heaven is the unstoppable force and hell is the immovable object, then earth is what happens when the two collide.. And we live on earth.

Think in the Long Term

2013-03-19T00:11:00.001-07:00

"You must have long term goals to keep you from being frustrated by short term failures." - Charles C. Noble

You have a headache? Take a pill. You're headache will vanish.

You overweight? If you go on a grapefruit only diet, you'll lose 20 pounds in two weeks. Problem solved.

Feel insecure? I bet if you talk negatively of people, you'll feel much better because you bring them down to your level.

But guess what... The headache comes back, the weight comes back, and the insecurities are still there.

You've fixed no problems.. Often the result of small thinking.

Why not think bigger? Why not thing larger?

Short term goals can be a good thing at times, but I feel like history repeats itself in that real success is all about long term goals and the relentless small steps that get you there.

Quick fixes don't really solve problems, they just cover it up momentarily.

I once went on a no-carb diet for a summer. I lost 40 pounds in a little over a month. I gained it right back plus more.

I didn't fix my real problem which was my lifestyle. Bad habits were already formed. Anyone can break a habit for a month, as I did. But replacing old habits by forming new ones is more of a long term goal. That's where my success really was in eventually losing weight.

To change habits and live healthier is a long term goal. My weight didn't get put on in 1 month, so it shouldn't come off that fast either.

But by making little changes in my lifestyle, and seeing my true goal, it wasn't too difficult in hindsight.

Eat healthier, smaller portions, exercise, don't binge eat... That's how I lost weight. No magic diet, no magic pill. Over time, the weight came off, and I felt better.

A healthier body is one way to gain a bit of self esteem, but a healthy mind is more important for that.

If you feel small compared to others out there, then you shouldn't hate them. Hate will make YOU feel worse. "The more you love, the less you hate."

A surefire way to help yourself is by taking inspiration from ANYWHERE you find it. If someone's talents or life is making you feel jealous, why not change that "jealousy" to "inspiration?"

...Or you could just slam them, and try to bring them down to make yourself feel better.... Nah.

Use the inspiration to grow yourself into a beast of a person easily comparable to those that could have been target for your jealousy. That'd help some self esteem, huh?

Congratulate them. Give them credit. Learn from them for better or worse... But, don't bring them down.

Building a tower is a long term goal. It's more difficult, yet rewarding. Job well done!
Destroying someone's tower to make yourself feel better is small and weak. And you won't feel better, really.

Long term, long term, long term. No quick fixes.

Cliché for a Reason

2013-02-13T16:21:00.000-08:00

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." - Old Nursery Rhyme

I've heard that a million times before.

"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all." - Thumper from Disney's Bambi

Yep, been there and heard that before too. Lots.

"Treat others how you want to be treated."

How cliché.

Haven't we all heard little sayings such as these a million times growing up?

The efforts of our parents, role models, movies and arts to plant positive seeds in the minds of a fresh generation is commendable. But let's face it--some of the messages can become cliche.

"Cliché?"

Isn't that word pretty much synonymous with dull, unoriginal, boring, blasé, or uninspired?

People find clichés so predictable because they've heard them an infinite amount of times throughout life--maybe to the point to where they lose their meaning...

So why do some people have such a hard time with them in life if we all know them so well!

If people drill positive messages into a kids brain, shouldn't the message soak into the kid's soul? Shouldn't it become a part of their root as a person?

Maybe clichés exist for a reason. Maybe they are repeated millions of times over centuries for a reason. Maybe mankind stumbled on to something and wants to share it for future generations for a reason. Maybe just maybe clichés can be right.

Lets take the examples I posted earlier:

"Sticks and stones." I know too many people that are too worried about what "other people" think of them. They worry what "other people" will say about them. They could be hurt by the words if they are harmful.

But words can't hurt you, right?

Of course words can be emotionally damaging if you let them... IF you let them.

But, look at history... George Washington, Lincoln, Steve jobs, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Einstein, Buddha, or Jesus Christ... If you do the research, you could find that these great influential world-changing people weren't always popular. In fact, some of them were hated. But they persevered. They weren't HURT by the words of others... Or maybe they were hurt, but they believed in their purpose more than the pain.

Sticks and stones can kill a man. But I guess it takes a certain kind of mind to really REALLY get that words can't kill you. Humans are built stronger than that.

"Treat others how you'd want to be treated."

Do you know anybody who is ridiculously offensive, yet easily offended? It's ironic.

These kind of people could destroy an army tank with their words, yet crack as easily as an egg if somebody talks back. Definitely a sign of an insecure person.

How would the world be if everybody actually treated others how they want to be treated?

Yes. Maybe clichés become motifs in history for a reason. Maybe they're on to something. Maybe the simplest messages you learned as a kid have some real depth and answers in them. Maybe it'd be worth it to pick your brain and pull some of those embedded messages from childhood out and give them a reexamination.

To the great clichés repeated throughout history, I raise my glass to you, for there is another word whose meaning is to be repeated generation after generation...

"Legend."

Cheers! *gulp* (That's some good water)

Hypocrites Can Be Logical

2013-01-12T11:41:00.003-08:00

"The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others." ~Author Unknown

I'm a hypocrite.

I think everyone is to a degree. I make it a personal goal to actually practice what I preach, but sometimes I can lose sight of that. I think everyone does--some more than others.

I try to stay closer to the I'm-not-a-hipocrite side of the curve.

I've heard some great advice throughout my life--advice that I've incorporated into my DNA.

As years went by, ive found that some of that great advice and intellect came from hypocrites.

I know sometimes it can be hard to swallow hypocritical advice. But GOOD advice coming from someone who doesn't follow it themselves doesn't mean there isn't worth to the words.

Good advice is good advice--it doesn't matter who says it.

I do know people personally that just can't listen to hypocritical advice. Even if the advice is pristine and meaningful, the words are ignored.

Examples:

"That college dropout is telling me how important school is, so I'll ignore what she has to say."

"That guy stating the importance of balanced diet and exercise weighs a lot, so I'll ignore what he has to say."

"That person with depression is giving happy-life advice, so I'll ignore what they have to say."

Now, I'm not downplaying the importance of being pure to your words; I'm not supporting hypocrisy. I think we all should practice our good beliefs. I'm simply saying good advice is good advice no matter where it comes from.

Choose what you want to absorb into your DNA, and don't let the absorbency be affected by whether or not the person "enlightening" you practices what he/she preaches.

They're loss. Doesn't have to be yours.

Perhaps you've grown up inheriting traits from someone important, be it parents, role models, or even celebrities . Then years later, you find that they have been a hypocrite behind closed doors. Should that affect the value of your beneficial upbringing? I think not.

You're Odd? Well, That's Okay.

2012-12-20T15:18:00.001-08:00

"Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers." - Mignon McLaughlin

There can be a lot of pressure to fit in with the crowd.

Maybe it's just human nature, but people tend to fear what appears odd or different. People can make the odd ones feel bad and out of place.

It's just that though--they CAN make the odd ones feel bad if the odd ones allow it. But, that's not the way it has to be.

If an odd one isn't negatively affected and hindered by the words of the crowd, then great things can happen.

Ignore the crowd and believe in yourself.

I think it's important to respect the crowd and to hear them out. But, don't let them make your decisions just because.

Understand that they only critique an existing world. It's hard to comprehend something new that hasn't been thought of yet. And that fear of the unknown can keep the crowd slamming on fresh thinkers.

Odd ones think of the unthinkable ideas--the ideas that the crowd doesn't think of due to conformist restraints.

But don't be odd JUST to be odd. That's conforming in itself, and it's very phony.

If you have a huge passion, and a great idea that doesn't fit society's status quo, then that doesn't mean you have to abort your mission.

If you have enough faith in what you are doing, even if you are alone and are the only one that can see the magic of your weirdness, then protect your weirdness from the crowd. Give your weirdness a chance. Don't let the crowd's misunderstanding of you wither out your special, unique, one-of-a-kind weirdness.

Weird people change the world, but only if they ignore the negativity of the crowd.

"Here's to the crazy ones." - Steve Jobs

This Present Moment Is Sooo "8 Minutes Ago"

2012-11-14T20:50:00.001-08:00

"The past is strapped to our backs. We do not have to see it; we can always feel it." ~Mignon McLaughlin

It's 7:08 am.

You see the sunrise peeking out over the distance, and it lights your 7:08-in-the-morning world.

I remember learning in elementary school that it takes sunlight about 8 minutes or so to travel across the galaxy to reach our planet.

So that sun that you see at 7:08 am is actually the sun that existed at 7 am.

In a way, when you look at the sun, you're looking into the past--You're seeing how the sun was 8 minutes ago. And that sun of the past is what lights our entire present world.

Is there some sort of lesson here?

I feel it's important to not be defined by your past just because it's your past. However, the past has lit the way our present.

I used to weigh 280 pounds. How'd I get to that point? I got there by the immediate past. I never exercised and I ate lots and lots of bad food. Those were the past habits of my husky 280 pound self.

Then I lost weight and got down to 180 pounds. How'd I get there? I got there by the immediate past. I watched what I ate, chose better foods and exercised multiple times a week. Those were the past habits of my leaner 180 pound self.

Now I am back up to 230. It's no surprise that I got back up to this point in my weight. My current immediate past is back to the habits of the old 280 pound me from years ago.

My present will soon be the past, so it's important to make my immediate past a good one--that will have meant that my present was good too.

Mistakes happen. They become a part of the past. Don't be defined by them--learn from them. And don't forget them so the next time they come around, you'll be ready. Forgive yourself if you have mistakes in your past, but don't block them out.

With a healthy immediate past, odds are you have a healthy present.

Also, take a look into the night sky. See all those stars? I wonder if any of them are a thousand lightyears away. That would mean that you are looking a thousand years into the past at a star that might not even exist anymore, right? Kinda cool!

"The Ratatouille Effect" - Lessons Are Everywhere

2012-10-26T19:17:00.000-07:00

"Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere." - Pixar's Ratatouille

Once upon a winter perhaps during a darkening dusk, I asked my dad why the days during the winter got to be so short.

He told me that Earth's tilted axis allows the world to move farther away from the sun during winter which creates both the colder season and shorter daylight hours. The farther we are from the sun, the less light there is.

"The less light there is, the more dark."

That made so much sense to me, and I never forgot when my dad told me that.

Throughout the years, I've come across friends, family or acquaintances who were sad, stuck, angry, negative etc...

I, myself, have always been more or less a jolly soul, and I like to least offer an ear or some sort of help to people that need it. I said this:

"The more you love, the less you hate."

or

"The more positivity in you, the less negativity."

Tuns out, my dad's lesson taught me more than why the days during winter are shorter. Sure, that is literally what he taught me, but I TOOK much more than that from the lesson.

In fact, I "took" two important things from his lesson.

Here's the first:

I learned that there is really only 100% of a ratio. There is no more than 100%, there is no less than 100%. In my dad's lesson, the ratio is the light/dark ratio. So can the factors can be interchangeable?

If the idea that "the less light there is, the more dark" makes so much sense to me, then why should it only help with my questions about short days? Why not exchange "light" with "love" in the equation?

That way of thinking brought some sort of clarity to me.

"The more you love, the less you hate."
"The more you love, the less you hate."
"The more you love, the less you hate."
....Now that made a lot of sense to me.

"The more positivity in you, the less negativity."
"The more positivity in you, the less negativity."
"The more positivity in you, the less negativity."
....Yep, that made a lot of sense too.

It still does...

The human brain can only take so much. It can only be filled to 100%. So if you really REALLY fill it with love, then the love/hate ratio will tip in love's favor, Don't you think?

Think of a glass of Hershey's syrup chocolate milk...

Is it a glass of milk? Or is it a glass of chocolate?
Well, it's mostly milk with some chocolate mixed in.

If it was a glass of chocolate syrup with a little milk mixed in.... Well that's just gross! I like my chocolate milk more over on the milky side.

The glass is 100%. It can't hold anymore. So best fill it mostly with milk with just enough chocolate to keep things interesting and inspired to keep drinking.

If anybody out there who's reading this is suffering from sadness, hopelessness, anger, depression, inferiority etc... I challenge you to stop feeling that way. Stop thinking that way. Fill your brain with positivity instead of negativity. Fill your heart with love instead of hate. Tip the ratio in favor of the positives. Give yourself a chance. No overnight task to some, I'm sure. But if you start now, then guess what; you started. Now all you have to do is keep going. Easy, right? ;)

I mentioned earlier that my dad's lesson taught me two important things.

Here's the second:

My dad taught me a lesson about the sun, planet and light. But I took way more than that from it.

I realized that I can learn valuable lessons anywhere and everywhere. It's not necessary for someone to slap an answer at me right in the face. I can find some answers anywhere that presents the opportunity.

As of this blog, I'm calling it, "The Ratatouille Effect."

RA·TA·TOUILLE EF·FECT [rat-uh-too-ee ih-fekt]
noun
An epiphany caused when one learns a valuable lesson from ANYWHERE, especially obscure, random or unforeseen places.

A definition? Wow, now its official, eh?

In the Pixar flick, an incredible chef ends up coming out of the sewer in the form of a rat.

The lesson they are teaching is that you don't have to be rich, popular, male, female, white, black or anything in between to do something great. It can come from anywhere.

Why should the lessons stop there though? Why not take something else?

"Not everything can become a great lesson, but a great lesson
can come from anywhere." - Ratatouille (with interchanged factors!)

My "Done" List

2012-10-11T22:46:00.003-07:00

"Rather than viewing a brief relapse back to inactivity as a failure, treat it as a challenge and try to get back on track as soon as possible. " - Jimmy Connors

My introductory post for this blog mentions documenting my rise. Lets see how I've done so far since that post in 2010 when I was 24...

HANDFUL OF PROS:

I graduated magna cum laude.
I kayaked with dolphins in the Gulf of Mexico.
I met my drum idol Mike Portnoy twice.
I moved to Spain to finish up my college degree
While in Spain, I visited the cities of Cordoba, Sevilla, Granada, Jerica, Gandia, Madrid, Barcelona, Sagunt, and lived in Valencia.
I tripled my knowledge of the spanish language. (Still don't know much at all)
I road tripped to France from Spain, Slept in the Pyrenees Mountains, rock climbed in Fontainebleau France, and visited Paris.
I visited Marrakech, Morocco in Africa, road tripped into the Sahara Desert, rode a camel to my tent where I camped in the desert.
I improved my photography skills immensely. (Still never fully satisfied with my photos)
I visited London, saw Harry Potter in the Odeon Theatre, and ate fish 'n chips!
I wrote and recorded four songs of my own, and wrote three musical scores for others including a documentary for Kevin Sorbo of the old TV show "Hercules" fame.
I created a music video recorded all over the world using Jordan Rudess of Dream Theater (my fav band EVER)'s iPad app, and got some attention from him personally.
I travelled, couch surfed, and have seen many new states.
I became a ski bum and worked on a beautiful snowy mountain just to snowboard all season.
I visited the bahamas.
I photographed my first wedding, and the couple is happy with the work.
I moved to Massachusetts.
I saw Peter Gabriel in concert.
I've gone apple picking! Very new experience for me.
I've learned to Salsa dance. (Still a beginner!)
I've gone to my first pro baseball and football game.
I lost weight. My heaviest was 280lbs. I got down to 180.
I've made many plans for my future. Great plans. Plans just right for someone as odd as me.
I went skydiving

HANDFUL OF CONS:

I keep "planning" my future. Planning is just make believe.
I gained weight. I'm now at 235.. "Obese" according to the BMI.
I keep setting off to do these huge plans in my head. Take some action towards my dreams, and I feel like the efforts aren't even close to what I need to do to make them real.
I feel like I run in the same circles with some of my close relationships. (Can't embellish on here.)
I have not written 50 songs, only 3.
I have not created much video content. Lots of footage, but not many full productions.

To keep things short, I limited the pros and cons very much. I must admit I've done some RAD stuff. The things I have done are great for conversations. I actually do get some sort of enrichment from doing amazing stuff.

However, I don't feel full because of them.

The weight in the few cons I posted is enough to tip the scale. Gotta get started.

Habit Forming

2012-09-29T00:34:00.002-07:00

"It's been a while! A lot has happened in the past year. For one, I went to live in Spain for three incredible months. I've learned a lot more than just Spanish while I was there. I think I've learned, like REALLY learned the importance of the concept of "today."

I'm usually such a planner. I try to think of how I want my future to be or things that I want to eventually do. But "planners" are just dreamers. Dreams think up dreams. And dreams without action are just make believe. I have a nice little future built up in my dreams, but until I do the actions, it's just make believe.

I met some truly incredible people in Spain that inspire me. Now that we've all split when we came home from Europe, I miss them dearly. They won't be easily forgotten. I just knew in the back of my mind that I would see some of them again one day.

One day? Which day? Some day in the future? Well, here's an idea - how about TODAY, you "planner" you."

-Me 2/6/2011
______________________________________

I started this blog to show my own self improvement and growth. I've only published one post.

That stuff up there was supposed to be my second post, and obviously I didn't get around to finishing it or posting it.

"Didn't get around to it. Didn't get around to it. Didn't get around to it." (So much for that TODAY talk I mentioned up there, huh?)

Habits and habit-forming are powerful things. A person could wake up at 5 in the morning and run 20 miles without thinking if that is his/her habit.

No problem.

One could wake up, cook, clean, drop the kids off, shop, cook again, pick the kids up, clean again, cook again, all while having a part time job and part time college classes if that is his/her habit.

No problem.

One can also wake up late, go back to sleep, and wake up later staring at the ceiling all day day after day if that is his habit.

No problem...

Habits are things you do without thinking. They're actions that your body does time and time again to where the action isn't even a thought. You practice your habits every day.

I want to make blogging or documenting my life a habit. The only way I can do that is to DO IT. TODAY not later.

In that post I started in Feb '11, I talked about how I'm such a planner... Such a dreamer...

I still am.

That is my habit. I'm GREAT at thinking about what I can do and where I can end up. That is my current habit. It's also a problem to a degree.

"You can dream a little dream or you can live a little dream. I'd rather live it because dreamers always chase but never get it." -Aesop Rock

Actions are required to make dreams a reality. I feel like I don't act. Or if I am acting, I'm going VERY slowly.

Why don't I act?

To be honest, I do "act" to a degree, but I don't act to my full potential. I don't even think I act to half of my potential.

So why don't I act? Good question.

Hmm... Maybe?...

I feel I'm such a perfectionist at times. It is easy for me to start a million things. As I go along, I find it hard to make final decisions. When I have a prototype or demo of something I'm working on, I don't feel it is good enough. Since it's not good enough, I work hours upon hours to try to make it good enough. It never gets there in my eyes, even with all the hard work. That has made me lazy because I see it coming--the hours of fruitless work... and that discourages my action. This has happened time and time again. Habit.

Does life get in the way? I do have some massive things going on in my life, and it's easy for me to play victim and say that those things prevent me from acting. I literally can't talk details of the massive things going on in my life, but take my word on it--They aren't ordinary, they seem brutally eternal, and they take jabs at my spirit. I'm not sure that's a good enough excuse to prevent me from acting. There must be a way to turn "life got in the way" to "life happened along the way." I'm very used to life getting in the way of my dreams. I let them prevent me from action often. Habit.

Perhaps I'm scared? I don't feel scared. Being scared is no way to live. I truly believe that. IF I'm scared, it must be hidden deep in my subconscious.

So I leave my work and passions unfinished. I'm a perfectionist, I'm lazy, I'm a planner, I'm a dreamer, I allow life to get in the way, and perhaps I'm scared.

....These are my habits. I'm great at them, I do them everyday. It's clockwork. It requires no thinking.

There is a word that I want to add to my habit list...
..."action"

First Blog Evar!

2010-03-08T03:20:00.001-08:00

"Use your talent (everybody has one) in anyway you can. Don't keep it for yourself like a miser - spend it like a millionaire!" -Lucy MacDonald

I'm such a lucky person.

My whole life, I've generally been a contagiously happy person. I've always been quick to cheer people up, and I am a pretty darn-tootin good listener. I'm not trying to toot my own horn (haha, I typed "toot" in two consecutive sentences), but these are things that I've been told. My philosophy on life has pretty much always been, "Smile and laugh, no matter what."

Well, it may come as a bit of a shock to those who've known me since grade school. I'm pretty down right now. This is the lowest I've ever felt. I suppose I can't go into detail for the purpose of protecting others, but just know things are not too good. I'm definitely not depressed; I'm too positive to ever fall into depression. But, it has kind of been hard to "smile and laugh, no matter what." Life just seemed to get in the way of that.

I spend a lot of time alone here in San Marcos, and I find myself just sitting and thinking a lot. Sometimes, that's a bad idea. It's easy to get trapped in your own thoughts, and you can sometimes convince yourself that untruths are actually real. I think I'm doing that way too often. The me of 7 years ago would be slapping me in the face if he knew how foolish I've been unnecessarily submerging and drowning myself in negativity.

I didn't start a blog to vent and complain. That's not what I'm about. I've actually started a blog to document my life. I feel like the days are just falling off the calendar, and I am losing track of what's happening. No big deal, I suppose. It's only my life that I'm not remembering! Since I consider myself at a bit of a low at the moment, I figure documenting a rise would be a pretty cool thing to do. That's definitely what's going to happen; a rise. I have some pretty big plans in store for my immediate future, and It'd be nice if I didn't forget them as they happen!!!

I also want to use this blog to focus on how amazing my life actually is. I plan to post blogs that just explain how I feel about people in my life. I've been blessed to know some incredible people. I am so lucky, fortunate and blessed to be in the position I am in. I have a lot going for me, and I have it better off than most of the planet.

Hopefully, this blog will inspire others to see the good in their lives as well! We all have good and bad things happen to us, there's not much we can do about it. But, killing yourself over the bad, and pretending the good doesn't exist is just silly. Silly silly. Silly silly silly silly.

You know what? This post is waaayyy to serious. It won't happen again, honest. My next blog will be wayyy cooler! To compensate for the mood of this blog, watch this!!!: