S.C.O.F.F

50 Things to Know About Dating an Arsenal Fan

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 11:40:00 +0000

Putting this up here because it's important for Em to know.

1) No phoning during the match
2) For a 3 o clock KO on a Saturday, dont expect me to be around to do anything between noon and 8pm
3) If its a big game and we win, dont expect me home for dinner
4) If i choose to go abroad, your not coming, deal with it
5) If we lose, lets just fuck rather then make love
6) Yes, I do love arsenal more then you
7) If we win and I choose to watch MoTD, please dont annoy me with stupid questions
8) No texting during a match
9) If we lose, NEVER say the words "its only a game"
10) If we lose, dont ask me whats wrong, thats just a stupid question.
11) We will have subscription to Arsenal TV....No arguments.
12) Arsenal on the TV takes priority over anything. Including child birth, i'm sure the baby can hold on for 90 mins
13) I would turn gay for Cesc Fabregas
14) When the boys come round for football on the tele, I only want to see you if you are brining beers to us
15) A mans arsenal shirt and socks is much sexier on you then any underwear or nurses uniform you may own
16) If you want to plan a wedding in advance, make it a Thursday, as that is the only day I can gaurantee arsenal wont play
17) Dont ask what happens on the pre season tour to Amsterdam, it will only upset you
18) Me going to a game can not be used to justify you going on a girls night out
19) Me going abroad to follow the arsenal can not justify you having a girls weekend in Edinburgh
20) If any of your family are spurs fans, dont be suprised for family do's to end in a fight
21) Owning last seasons shirt is no good reason not to buy this seasons.
22) If I must tape an Arsenal game and the only tape in the house is that of our wedding I will go straight ahead.
23) If I start shouting "TONY ADAMS" during sex you are not to complain.
24) If you ever say that Nicklas Bendtner is cute it is over
25) Me spending £1000 on a ST does not justify you spend £200 on a new pair of shoes and a bag to match
26) Me spending £40 on a game ticket does not justify you buying Take That tickets
27) If we have kids, I will name them: Girl; Francesca, Denise or Roberta, Boy; Terry Henry, Tony or Nwankwo
28) Me singing footy songs/chants does not mean you can sing any pop hit.
29) The photo in my wallet is supposed to be of Emmanuel Eboue and not you.
30) My religion is Arsenal, Jesus is not an Arsenal player and can rightly fuck off.
31) Yes, ive been to the game, yes ive watched football first, yes ive watch MOTD, but do not moan when i watch MOTD again sunday morning rather then cook your breakfast
32) Yes, all the arsenal players are sexy, but only i am allowed to say that
33) Arsenal bed covers are not childish
34) Regardless of how good I actually am at playing football you will encourage me and say that maybe one day Arsene will be watching.
35) You will learn how to pronouce all the players names properly (and yes, that does include the reserves and youth team)
36) If you even think about asking how the offside rule works you will be hit faster than you can say "I walked into a door".
37) I work hard to go to football, not pay for you
38) I dont care if its Peggy's funeral, Arsenal in a CL group stage dead rubber is more important
39) When we move house, the most important factor is how far from highbury it is, not where your friends/family live
40) If I choose to watch arsenal 2-0 win at liverpool to win the title or the invincibles repeatedly, and cry at the end I shall
41) I will invite all the Arsenal players to our 10th Wedding Anniversary, if they do not accept you are not allowed to invite anyone in their place.
42) The picture of me with my best mates friend who is the cousin of the guy who cuts Thierry Henry's hair is not coming down from above the bed.
43) You will grow a David Seaman style moustache, if you are unable to grow one we will pay for the treatment (you will pay for the treatment).
44) My pet goldfish Cesc and Kolo are more valuable then your Chihuahuas Paris and Britney
45) No I will not have a picture of you on my phone....It will always be the arsenal badge
46) The spare bedroom shall not be used as your walk in wardrobe...it shall be used as a shrine to the Arsenal.
47) I dont care if its your parents golden wedding anniversary, i'm going to the arsenal
48) Crying when arsenal win a major trophy does not make me a baby
49) You must only think of one thing when i mention this number
50) Want a divorce? thats ok, I still have the arsenal. BYE!

I'm kidding about no. 50. Or am I?

And this post hasn't been written by me. It has been lifted from here.

Masters of Puppets

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 17:22:00 +0000

For those who don't know my love for Classical Rock, probably would know that I wouldn't miss out on this. Hearing this awesome news, Pane (pronounced Pah-ne) Pai and I were excited like little girls. Pane is a girl so she just got little - figuratively; not literally. So everyone was asked from EW to Al to even the Miracle Monger, who through some miracle made through customs unscathed into India. Well that's another story. Anonymous, don't forget to give me that kick up my butt to pen that one. It's a twisted tale of love, hate, a lot of running around, goons, cops, hiding - in all a perfect masala movie and a great topic for gossip. And, since the monger is remotely logs on to the Internet, I can safely make money off him without any conflict or consequences.

Yes, after my customary digression, let's get back to the topic at hand. "Metallica!" That's exactly how I screamed when I heard that they were coming to India. When I found out that their concert coincided with the inauguration of India's only F1 track, more excitement ensued. When I found out the rates of the F1 tickets that excitement fizzled out into a limp murmur that I couldn't go to Delhi. Thank God for that, don't you think? Else, I would have definitely been a part of this and would have even contemplated streaking my way onto the race track. The world was saved from watching my black ass on the tarmac when Pane (pronounced Pah-ne) Pai offered me free boarding and lodging in namma B'lore along with a thinly veiled threat that I have now grown accustomed to, "Be there or else!"

Before I tell you everything about the show and my time in Bangalore, gear up for another twist in the tale. Last one, I promise. Every year, Cynnocent's father, Mr. Nitin Khot organizes plays or little shows for the kids and elders in their locality in Belgaum. This year, as per his brief, Cynnocent wrote a neat little puppet show. When we realised that there would be more than a 100 people gathered to watch us, the puppet show turned into us getting into costumes, which we in turn executed brilliantly.

Here are a few behind the scenes images shot by yours truly.

The cute little fairy princess played by Xara

Cyonncent explaining a scene to the actors

The two lovely ladies who later transformed into squirrels

Emily, who played Min Min getting into character

The VO artist, who also filled in as the owl clearing his thoughts before he clears his throat

Mr. Khot chilling with the Sound Engg

Brun the bear and the lovely squirrel planning on creating a new species

Shivu (who took over my part) played Bhondu the dog with aplomb

The cast and the support staff before going on stage

The video of the play will be uploaded in a new post, once I fill in the credits (there is one hilarious instance to point out and laugh at). Till then let me tell you about the place we lived in Belgaum. The bungalow was located inside a really old fort that the English converted into their residences when they took over way back in, whenever they did. The massive colonial bungalow was our home for a good 4 days. Diwali was celebrated in the traditional way and Mr. Khot gave us no reason to complain. Black Dog, 100 Pipers, Beer, Hukka and good food was just flowing, which made us not complain too.

Anyway, with a heavy heart we said goodbye to Belgaum on Saturday night - 29th October. But this just meant plonking our ass from one huge Bungalow to another. Pane (pronounced Pah-ne) Pai ensured that Jesu Bhai Patel (the man who played Brun the Bear and who would have shot to fame if it wasn't for me. I didn't upload this video on YouTube) and I were absolutely well taken care off. And, man is her house huge! And the weather in Bangalore? Beautiful. A hairy, long haired dude like me did not sweat one bit. To be frank with you dear readers, I have developed a little crush on the city called Bangalore. Pane (pronounced Pah-ne-I should probably stop this now) Pai spent two good days selling the city and subtly hinting that I settle down there. And, I must say, I am considering that as a serious option.

What about Metallica you say? Come on people, didn't I say I wouldn't miss it for the world? I didn't and it was awesome! All this in spite of the organisors trying their level best to, if not cancel then at least, dampen the spirits of every fan present with their shoddy arrangements and poor crowd control. But Jesu Bhai, Pane and I had the time of our lives (Not the Dirty Dancing one dumbfucks, the Metallica kind). The band was brilliant and they've promised to come back again. I'll promise to go only if they come during Diwali, if Pane okays to host me and if Mr. Khot and Cynoccent decide to tolerate me.

You guys in the meanwhile, keep forcing me to post. Whatever would I do without you all.

Agency Blues: Fun at Work

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Fri, 27 May 2011 04:51:00 +0000

This post ain't 'bout the blues man. It ain't about my miserable existence at a forsaken place. This one is about fun and a missing person and not about missing person. This post ain't 'bout the blues.

Well after a long time, I had some fun at the place I call work. A colleague and has been AWOL for the past two days (Yes, that's a major concern here) and he might be asked to leave once he is back. But, that did not stop us from having a little fun at his expense.

Design: Rajesh Jain
Copy: FOS

Update: The missing man was fired from work on June 7, 2011.

Inspirational Quote

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Tue, 24 May 2011 11:14:00 +0000

And a brilliant one at that:

"Imagine life is a game in which you are juggling five balls. The balls are called work, family, health, friends, and integrity. And you’re keeping all of them in the air. But one day, you finally come to understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls — family, health, friends, integrity — are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered. And once you truly understand the lesson of the five balls, you will have beginnings of balance in your life."

— James Patterson, Suzanne’s Diary for Nicholas

So now, thanks to me, you know which balls are actually important and how to juggle them. It's cool, no need to thank me.

Agency Blues: Confirmation Anger

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Wed, 18 May 2011 09:30:00 +0000

We all know what it feels like when you are promised something and it doesn't happen. In our personal lives, it hurts but in the professional world, it pisses you off. To such an extent that you want to enact most of the scenes portrayed by the disgruntled characters in the movie 'Office Space'.

Today's anger is directed toward most of my top management. I was supposed to be confirmed after a probationary period of 3 months. It's going to be 6 months now and when I finally garnered the courage (Yes, there are times when I am absolutely timid about confrontation) to talk to the Powers that Be, I got this curt response. "We will decide on Monday, after speaking to Revenges and the Boss." It has been 3 months since the fuckin' stipulated 3 months and they haven't decided as yet? Typical H. effin' R.

Now, I know for a fact that Revenges hates me. And he has the ear of the Boss. So, I am sure that the Boss doesn't like me too. Apart from that, the Boss has already fired close to six people to save costs. And whatever said and done, I don't come cheap. So, I am a cost liability. Therefore, when we add 2 + 2 and make it a number that I want it to be, it could mean only one thing - Termination. Come to think of it, Revenges does look like Arnold Schwarzenegger of yore.

It's not so much blue as it is red today and you will find me scheming to recreate some of the scenes from the Office Space at my agency from Monday. Yes, I will wait till Monday 'cause you never know, they may promote me because of my laid back, chilled out attitude. Don't believe me, read this.

Yeah! The clown in question was me. It's unbelievable that I haven't shared it with you guys till date.

Anyway, time to say goodbye. Pray that what I'm hoping for does happen and I am not hoping for a promotion.

Cheers!
A Black Blob.

The Voices In My Head Say...

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 04:52:00 +0000

Do Not Quit

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit -
Rest if you must, but do not quit.

Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.

Since the author of this post is unknown, I am going to credit it to the voices in my head. (In case you copyright infringement fucks are reading it, I'm just kidding alright.)

But it is not necessary that I listen to the voices now, is it?

These two beautiful verses make sense in life, true? But I don't think they were not written for a crappy work environment. Talking about crappy, Crapvertisement is sporting a brand new post. Go and check it out simply by clicking here.

And regarding the 'Don't Quit' Movement initiated by the voices in my head, I 'm not going pay any heed to them. Plans are in motion. Watch this space for more.

Agency Blues: I feel the blues

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 05:18:00 +0000

"There's a hard life for every silver spoon.
There's a touch of gray for every shade of blue.
That's the way I see life.
If there was nothing wrong...
Then there'd be nothing right."

— Shinedown (Shinedown - The Sound Of Madness)

OK, not that I was born with a silver spoon, but life has not been quite the way I would have liked it to be. I have not complained till now. What's the blog for, you ask? Well, it was a tool for me to rant and share. Share and rant, a blah blah here and a blah blah there. But you know these days, I am suffering from the blues. And here's why...

I know the immense potential of the jokes on the name of my workplace. But now the Six Inches up my ass is kind of getting painful.

I was asked to stop my looney behaviour. Yes, seriously! People who run an ad agency actually had the audacity to discourage the very behaviour that leads to great ideas. Then they asked me to quit playing games, not with my heart but on my computer (That little spot was sponsored by CrazyDaisy and the Back Street Boys). There is a lot more. I feel there is a conspiracy but I disregard that because I feel that the powers that be have no clue how to run an agency.

So, what happening is every morning I wake up not wanting to work.What do you guys think is the cure to my blues? What do I do to make things right? or wrong...

Agency Blues: Overheard (Anger)

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 08:27:00 +0000

I overheard this interesting anecdote at work. Unrelated to my trials at work but a story that does want you to make a difference, maybe...

An Indian and a Japanese were waiting at a bus stop in Japan. When the bus arrived, the India got in by inserting the required amount to open the doors of the bus. The Japanese did the same once the India entered. The Indian, once inside the bus, asked the Japanese "The door was open such that both of us could have entered. You could have come in without paying a single yen."

The Japanese guy's reply floored the Indian. He said, "I do not want to cheat my country."

Whats the connection? Sign up for this and let's start by stopping cheating our country and thus, ultimately ourselves. http://ipaidabribe.com/

I said maybe at the start of the post because even in a group of friends, you cannot get people to agree to it. If they were in Singapore, they will gladly stop spitting, littering and/or accept the harshest of fines and punishments meted out to them. But out here, they feel it is alright to do as they please.

This "follow the leader" and "crab" mentality is sending our country to the dogs. Let's stop that.

New Blog!

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 06:03:00 +0000

Summer has arrived and I have trimmed all my chest hair. But that's not what the new blog is about. What do you mean why? It's too hot people. But now it itches.

Oh! you mean why a new blog? Well, the idea was planted (Inception style but without the fuss and the kicks) when I came for an interview at my current firm and my friends Let Me Be and CrazyDaisy. Let Me Be, CraizyDaisy and I would keep making fun of certain brands (One of them is already made fun on in the new blog) regularly and that's when I thought, we should put this down. When I interviewed with Six Inches Communications, yes, my current agency is called Six Inches Communications (@Pussy, you didn't know that, did you?), they asked me to rewrite the campaign for an ad that I disliked on Indian Television.

Thus, the urge and the (not-on-my-chest) itch grew stronger. To celebrate the completion of three months at Six Inches, I came up the blog. And without further ado, I announce Crapvertising officially open! Go ahead and check it out by clicking on the link.

And listen, if you guys have anything intelligent to contribute or wish to be a part of the blog, write to me at ajayd81[at]yahoo[dot]com. Cheers!

And do let me know, out there or over here what you guys think.

Agency Blues: There is someone worse then EW

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 13:46:00 +0000

In terms of hair, you have balder men. In terms of colour, you have Leo, who I can say (in muted whispers) is darker than EW. In terms of intellect, there was Minni. But EW was unrivaled in the jokes department. There was no one willing to take the bar even a notch lower. A sad joke in the Stoned Circle is still called a Hermanism.

Not anymore. Something strange happened today. A colleague was asked (in Hindi), "Tu peeta hai kya?" [Do you drink?] His reply was, "Meri shaadi nahin hui hai!"

I didn't bother to ask for an explanation thinking that there was miscommunication somewhere. But the guy went on to explain that since he wasn't married, he couldn't have a child and because he didn't have a child, he was not a pita or a father.

I just spat out whatever I was eating. On him!

They say that a joke is really bad if you need to explain it. One thing about EW was that his jokes are bad but not bad enough to require an explanation. Sorry EW, we have found someone worse than you!

Weddings, Waters Blue and Self Propaganda

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 11:06:00 +0000

Let's begin with the wedding first, shall we? MM, being MM, called us on the 4th of Jan to tell us that he is getting married. The repercussions of which were to be felt a little later. Even then, he insisted that it was tentative. Atom-D went ahead and booked the tickets and out set Willy the Silly, A-D and moi.

The wedding was a nonchalant affair much to the pleasure of MM's hitleresque father. Once you get to know his dad - the strictest one ever known to any child, then you realise why MM has turned out exactly the way he is.

Because MM didn’t involve us in the wedding, I had a lot of time to wander around, my camera in tow and click some shots. Non-involvement in the wedding party put only one thought in Atom-D’s mind – “Blue Waters”. We went there the day we arrived, we went there the next day, we went there on a Saturday night, which was the most fun and then we went there on Sunday.

The Saturday night trip was the most fun. We were denied entry, which is nothing new. I was used to being a stag in my days in college and right up till about two years back. Ever since Emily has walked in to my life, I have never gone to discs or pubs that demanded couple entry. Oxymoronic, I know. But on that fateful Saturday, saw us struggling once again to gain entry as single men, but this time we were obese, ugly, and a good 10 years older that the average crowd men. Maybe that’s why they didn’t let us in, you know, we were bringing up the average age of that place. I tried explaining it to my good friend A-D but to no avail He was hell bent on getting in. He begged the bouncers, much to my embarrassment. He called people, again to my embarrassment. He went out and begged again. He called up other people again.

Just before I was about to melt with shame, we gained entry. Each of us was 800 bucks lighter and the entry fee promised us only one free drink. And guess what, the drinks on Saturday night are double in value and as good as drinking in a pub in Mumbai. Anyway, the adage of the night has only begun rang true for the umpteenth time.

After we entered, Willy, yes Willy was hit on by a bunch of firaang women. I’m not being condescending here but when we guys get hit on by women, you should know that there’s something fishy going on. After a few seconds of ribbing Willy about what happened, we noticed the women fleecing the guys sitting next to us. This trio of women went on to con about four other guys for shots, drinks, water and food. Atom-D at the end was cursing me and Willy for not letting him encourage the girls. It’s not like he would do anything but that’s Atom-D for you.

Then there was a Christmas miracle, or so I thought. One pretty looking girl came and spoke to me. Yeah, I know! Never in my 6 six years of Manipal life and 29 years of existence has any girl ever, ever, spoken to me in a pub. They even haven’t dared to ask me for a cigarette. Man, you should have seen my face. As you guessed, this girl too turned out to be a con artist.

Atom-D called up anyone and everyone we knew, from UK to Timbaktu to tell them about the night. We spoke about the night the whole of next day to anyone who cared to listen. Even though the wedding and the trip were just passable, this one night made out trip memorable.

The images of the wedding are up on Facebook. My uncle also launched his second boat to fish in the Arabian Sea. I was there with my Nikon D5000 (you can stop applauding and whistling, please. It’s a little embarrassing) to cover the event. And I have clicked some more and am using a generous and abashed helping of Social Media to propagate my captures. You can view my choicest and favorite pics here or here. Please go through the images and criticise, like, comment, etc. Basically, give me your feedback.

Also, note that Atom-D’s image has the highest number of views that I have ever got in my life. Gives me the same thrill that I experienced when the girl spoke to me. OK a little more. Kidding. Or am I?

Another One Bites the Dust

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 10:21:00 +0000

And another ones down...

Miracle Monger has decided to tie the know on the 29th of this month. Atom-Dom, Willy and I are planning to attend the wedding and the pre-nuptial festivities.

I am planning to buy a swanky new DSLR before I leave so hopefully you guys will be treated to some good images of the horrific looking MM.

So till I'm back, wish him luck and me, a bon voyage!

The Quitter's Diary - Year Review

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 10:48:00 +0000

The midnight of 9th January last year, I made a promise to myself and after a year of smoke free existence, I had the following proclamation to make on twitter:

At midnight, I have completed 1 year of #smokefree existence. If after 13 years of being a chimney, I can #quitsmoking, then so can you :)

Yes it is true. If I could quit, then even you can too.

I spent two years of Junior College perfecting the art of smoking. I was caught twice. Once by my mom because my lab partner ratted me out and the other time, thanks to my moralistic coaching classes. I promised my parents that I would quit, but I never thought I needed to.

Manipal saw me progress from a 7-a-day-Goldflake Kings (Bada Goldflake for Mumbaikars) to a 20-a-day Wills smoker. On a visit to Mumbai, a friend's uncle had been admitted to some hospital that had a special ward for people who smoked Wills but that too didn't deter me from the evil of smoking. All it did was make me switch from a terribly strong brand to a lighter brand of cigarettes - Goldflake Lights. I smoked 20 a day for the next 9 years. Every new year I would decide to quit but I would just end up smoking 10 a day for a week before moving back to smoking my mandatory 20s.

Then finally, a year back, I decided to free myself from this habit. It worked and I don't foresee myself going back. The first few days and weeks are chronicled. You can begin here and move upwards. It was tough. I figuratively bit peoples' heads off in the first few days. Then it all went away - slowly but steadily. I still, albeit rarely get the pangs. A sudden urge to smoke. The urge can be laughed off now. All this because I made a promise to myself. A promise that I will never smoke. Ever. Again.

P.S.: I am also proud that I influenced one friend to quit, who in turn has influenced two of her friends to quit. Not that I am a quit smoking evangelist but if you ever need help, moral support or you just want to talk, give me a shout out.

Agency Blues: "Revenges"

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 05:55:00 +0000

The New Year, as usual, brings with it the promise of a new theme. Presenting the Agency Blues.

After the huge success of my post - 10 comments baby! (even though the comments were a conversation between me and my good friend Pussy) - on how my Client Servicing Executive is adept at listening, I am going to write all my (OK. Whatever I think is funny) agency experiences under one theme.

Why "Revenges" you ask. Well, the Surname of my Copy Head when translated from Hindi/Marathi translates to Revenges and here is my usual (yes, usual) interaction with him.

I had to come up with a line for the Six" World Cup. Before you perverts go on a joy ride in your minds, let me clarify that I now work at an agency that goes by the name Six". Yes and I have trouble adapting there because I am bigger you know. Like a big fish in a small pond. Anyway, I digress; Focusing back on the main topic:

Me and Revenges had to come up with a line for the Six" World Cup scoreboard and I instantaneously came up with "Boss, score kya hua?" But Revenges had other things in mind after reading my take on the line. His feedback was:

"The line should have rhythm..."
"Then, make it spunky..."
"C'mon the line should motivate the teams...Think of something on those lines"

After I came up with a few lines that adhered to the above mentioned criteria, I was told, "Keep it short." When finally I gave up, Revenges comes up with the following line: "Boss, score toh bol."

Yeah! My 9 hours at work usually pass by like a breeze. A breeze that contains the stale scent of meat mixed really well with the breath of a thousand ogres.

Wish me luck.

Greetings for the New Year

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 06:15:00 +0000

We at S.C.O.F.F. have this year's resolutions already made and we would like you guys to follow them too.

(Image stolen from here)

Before we forget, wish a Very Happy New Year! In this new year,

(Image courtesy oatmeal)

'10: Let's Rewind

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 07:27:00 +0000

Another year has gone by and as never been our custom, we will recap what good and bad this year did to us.

January saw me kick the butt. In a fit of self gloating and endless posts on how I'm coping, I can now reassure our readers that I have not yet gotten over the habit. It still haunts my dreams and the need for a small drag keeps creeping up. But I must say (some more self gloating) that I'm surprised that I possess some will power. The downside? Guys, I'm officially weigh 85 kilos and considering the amount of exercise I get, I won't be surprised if I stay that way. Yeah, I added about 15 kilos since I quit.

The first month also saw EW bag himself a stellar gal. The grapevine has it that he is serious and plans to marry her soon. He hid the fact that he was in love from his one true friend (me) because he was worried that I would vomit it out publicly. Well, it took a good 11 months, but vomit I did.

The month of Feb was an exciting one. Some useless sod crashed in to the rickshaw that I was traveling in and in the entire fracas I was left with several bruises and my right hand in a cast. But the silver lining was an acrimonious exit from a company that I rejoined (If you went with us to college, then you wouldn't bat an eye-lid if you came across this term). This time tough they made sure that I'll never return.

The World Cup came and the world cup went. Quite frankly it was one of the most boring WC's ever.

All this while, EW has been going from strength to strength in AK's Talent Academy.

December, Oh beautiful December! I joined an agency called Six" Communication. Even tough I like to proclaim that i was hired because I'm well endowed, I can't lie to you guys. I was hired because I am talented, skilled and brilliant to work with. The size of my penis had nothing to do with it. And no, this is not a porno production house. But frankly, something isn't right at this place and I'm already looking for another one. The one bright spark other than Christmas was the wedding reception of EW's sister.

Decmber also saw me kick a different kind of butt. On EW's birthday, I toasted the fact that there was a never a dull moment with him around. Approximately 24 hours later, that toast proved to be right and there we were in a fight. Look, I am not attempting to rhyme there but we did end up trashing (I want to drag that as far as I could but in retrospect, it was not funny because...), yes trashing a friend of the groom. Shame, guilt and a slight remorse ensued but the night was something that EW's entire family will remember. And it's not because the wedding was brilliantly executed and loads of fun. Never a dull moment when he's around.

I guess, that's it. Hope you guys had a great Christmas and we (yes, all three of us) pray that you have an exceptional New Year.

Cheers!

Top 12 Signs You May Be Addicted to Evony*

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 02:59:00 +0000

You legally change your name to your server ID
You have to rebuild your trap each time after the mailman comes to your door
You keep looking for abatis at the horsetrack.
Despite having no knowledge of engineering or carpentry, you manage to build a functioning trebuchet in your backyard.
When people ask if you had a nice Christmas, you reply "Christmas? When did that happen?"
You drive by some lake and think, "It will be a level 9 tomorrow."
Your girlfriend/wife tries to shake you awake and you just moan and roll over, but when she tells you your bird is flashing, you jump up and run out of the room.
You see a North Korean military parade on the news and think, "I could take that"
You give your co-ords instead of your address when ordering a pizza.
The Parks Department and the National Forest Service keep sending you letters asking you to cease placing flags with your name on them in the local parks and forests.
You drive by a forest and wonder, "How many archers are in there?"
The judge tells you that mailing your neighbors to "get out of your 10 miles area or you will NPC their houses" is an anti-social behavior!

You relate to all 12 points after reading them.

*This is a copy-paste job. This gem was sent to me by Lord Obelix of the MavLion alliance.

Fuck You Peking Tom!

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 08:10:00 +0000

I had a terrible experience at a restaurant I frequented until this happened -

I strolled in to Peking Tom last night (3rd October 2010) with a few of my friends to watch the EPL clash between Arsenal & Chelsea. We made just before Happy Hours ended. And maybe that was one of the reasons why the usually mild mannered and courteous staff turned obnoxious and rude. We ordered a 'tower' and two cocktails. They argued about getting the free cocktails entitled to us but eventually got them after realizing that it was they that made the mistake. The height was when they asked us to finish the two towers within an hour. Like I mentioned, we managed to squeeze in our orders just before the happy hours ended (around 8:30) and we were told that we had to, yes, HAD TO finish the towers by 9:30. Since there were only three of us that were sipping on the beers, it was humanly impossible for us to finish in the stipulated time. What proceeded next infuriated us further. We were levied the charge of an extra pitcher because we could not finish the towers in time. Our protests had the Captain walk up to us, use abusive language and ask us to teach him how to talk to customers when asked to tone down his volume.

All I want to say is that, being a regular, I will really miss going there because the food is great, the ambience excellent and apart from yesterday, the service excellent. But nobody, I repeat nobody treats their customers like that. Even a Shetty's bar and restaurant knows how to treat their most unruly customers. It's sad that because of a two people, they have lost out on five customers that have visited the place for more than 4 years.

And because of the entire ruckus, I could not watch the game in peace either.

The review is up on Burrp! http://ow.ly/2NTbL

I urge our readers to avoid this place. There are better ones in the vicinity.

Can you hear me?

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 09:26:00 +0000

A blow-by-blow account of the conversation between me and my Client Servicing (CS) friend from Bangalore, Anand (An)

An: Hello, FOS, can we connect at 3 for a call with our abc client.
Me: I'm busy with xyz client and can't make it on the call.
An: We need to discuss the concept, your script and the treatment.
Me: Anand, I have shit load of work from xyz client lined up and I don't think I can attend the conference call.
An: I have shared the details of the call with you. I have sent the client a presentation on our recommendations. I like the first concept.
Me: Anand, Anand, dude! I'm pressed for time man!
An: Okay, I'll see you in the call.

*Click*

Check the time. The headsets pressed against my ear and I am on the call.

Sorry! No Semi-Finals Preview

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 07:10:00 +0000

Due to lack of time and a huge writers block, there will be no preview of the matches. We will be back with our irregular service soon.

Regards,
S.C.O.F.F.

Quick Update: Octo-Paul has spoken (via Sahil Rizwan). He says Spain and S.C.O.F.F. says it will be Germany. What about Uruguay vs. Netherlands you ask? We think the Dutch will steam roll past hapless Uruguayans (3 - 1 in favor of the Dutch).

The Best Teams Did Win Paul.

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 07:58:00 +0000

Before we go on to preview the Semi-Finals S.C.O.F.F. style, let us (no, not give you an in-depth match report on the QF matches) check how our crystal balls have done. Unlike Paul the German Octopus, we do not have a 100% track record. What we do have is the amazing fuchsia.

Netherlands vs Brazil

We said Brazil would win over the Dutch with 3 goals to 2. What actually happened was Netherlands beat Brazil all thanks to Wesley Sneijder’s bald head, which actually had EW jumping and casting amorous glances towards his look-alike. So Sneijder is the S.C.O.F.F. Man of the Match and the S.C.O.F.F. Moron of the Match and a huge round of applause goes to Julio Ceasar. Felippe Melo came a close second but if Cesar hadn’t effed up so badly on that cross, who knows what could have been.

Uruguay vs Ghana

The S.C.O.F.F. Man of the Match for this game is the Suarez kid. I know everyone outside Uruguay thinks he is a cheat and blah, blah. But he did what he had to do and helped his team not concede. Therefore, the S.C.O.F.F. Moron of the Match clearly is Ghana’s A. Gyan. With all his Gyan, power and finesse, all he managed was the crossbar. It’s sad that Ghana, the only African team left had to go out but with that, I can reveal the secret of my Ghanaian friend. It is EW. He holds dual citizenship thanks to his advertising contract with Fair and Handsome. He is the ‘Before’ model in India and the ‘After’ in Ghana. There you go, but DO NOT tell anyone.

Argentina vs Germany

What do I say? What can I say? At least S.C.O.F.F. picked the winner correctly. Apart from being the best game of the World Cup so far, it gave us a glimpse of the potential champions. Yes, I will tell you why in our Semi Final review. It was the best team effort I have seen in this World Cup and I have nothing but praise for the Germans.

The S.C.O.F.F. Man of the Match of the game is the Meuller guy because he did not let Maradona get to him and scored the first of the goals that stunned Argentina into submission. There are many contenders of the S.C.O.F.F. Moron of the Match and we would like to hand the award to the Argentine back four for imploding and handing the game to the Germans on a platter.

Paraguay vs Spain

I have to admit, I fell asleep during the first half of the game where the Spaniards just refused to turn up. Del Bosque’s words must have inspired them in to putting up a show in second half. Since I can’t comment much on the game I will just hand out the prestigious S.C.O.F.F. Man of the Match award to David Villa. This Barcelona bound striker is worth his salt and is carrying the weight of Spain’s attack on his shoulder.

The Semi Final Preview to come up in the next few hours. The Bharat Bandh is being enjoyed quite thoroughly and till we meet again, keep waving the flag. Ciao.

P.S.: The best teams did win. Take that Paul, you eight-tentacled freak.

May The Best Team Win

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 11:06:00 +0000

If this were twitter, a #tag preceding the names of the teams would bring up that nations flag but nothing of that sort is happening here. Hate you blogger.com. But at least you let me rant in more than 140 characters.

The good news is that S.C.O.F.F. will not rant on this post today. Football has taken a day’s break today and we would like to rub our Crystal Balls and feel good about it. We will also try and predict what might be in the QFs.

There are many reasons for this post. One of the reasons for this post is the fact that Mr. Pais, a good friend, critic and possibly the only reader of this blog, has once again (successfully) provoked me in to posting. So, I am going to provide you, my dear Pais and other ghost readers, a preview and my valuable insight in to the upcoming quarterfinal games. The second reason is that I hate Heli. She can give me work but I can very well not do it. The final reason is that all the World Cup’s quarter-final games will carry FIFA’s message on football's "united stance against racism and any other form of discrimination." Knowing our stance on racism, we had to propagate the viewing of the games.

Netherlands vs Brazil

July 2, 19:30 IST, ESPN

Holland and Brazil came in to the Round of 16 unbeaten. Both the teams have dispatched their Round of 16 opponents with panache but the Brazilians were more convincing in their victory. S.C.O.F.F’s personal opinion is that the Dutch have replaced Spain as the big tournament chokers. Will this tournament confirm S.C.O.F.F.’s view?

S.C.O.F.F. Prediction: Brazil will nick this game 3 goals to 2. The game will go in to extra time with the scores tied at 2-2. Do you wanna bet? Van Persie to get on the score sheet only because he is a Gooner. Yes S.C.O.F.F. (OK! It’s only me) secretly worships Arsene Wenger.

Uruguay vs Ghana

July 3, 00:00 IST, ESPN

Diego Forlan and that Suarez kid are the only people I know in Uruguay. There is one Ghanaian that I know and his identity shall not be revealed till he tells me too. Things that I do for friends. Ghana are the only African team left and know our feelings towards the people from that part of the world, what do we think will be the outcome of the match?

S.C.O.F.F. Prediction: Uruguay will win the game 2 goals to nil. Ghana will resist and huff and puff in front of the Uruguayan goal but Forlan will deflect one in the 86^th minute and a counter attack will see Suarez score in the 90+4^th minute. Mark my words.

Argentina vs Germany

July 3, 19:30 IST, ESPN

For us at S.C.O.F.F., this is Messi and Maradona vs the Germans. We have actually not bothered to research on who else plays. Just kidding! Klose, Podolski and that guy that can score. No, not Messi – its Ozil. Messi will have a barren world cup. Watch the game if you don’t trust me.

S.C.O.F.F. Prediction: By virtue of their victory over the despicable English cunts, the German should go through but S.C.O.F.F. just can’t separate these teams. Especially after the fight that will take place when Maradona refuses to pass the ball to Messi. Ok, Germany to win on penalties like the last WC.

Paraguay vs Spain

July 3, 00:00 IST, ESPN

S.C.O.F.F. Prediction: Yes, we have begun this game’s preview directly with the prediction. Why? Because S.C.O.F.F. believes that this will be a snooze fest to forget. For all its magnificence in the midfield and brilliance in the attacking department, Spain will boast 99% possession (the 1% will consist of Paraguay’s goal kicks) but just one goal. To be scored by a proud Catalan and (still) another Arsenal boy Cesc Fabregas.

With that, we tuck our crystal balls back to where they belong and we’ll see you for the Semis. If you want to watch the games with us, the entry fee is a bottle of Black Label (or anything Signature and above). One last prediction – All the best teams will win.

The First of the S.C.O.F.F.ies

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 06:38:00 +0000

I promised a daily blog during this edition of the World Cup and once again I have lived up to expectations. People expected me not to manage and I did not disappoint. Unlike me, the SA WC 2010 has disappointed viewers all over the world with a humming sound and some insipid football. Usually, at S.C.O.F.F., we wait till the tournament ends to present your quadrennial footballing awards or we don't hand them out at all. But, on Sunday something so drastic took place that we just had to wake up from the slumber induced by this world cup.

So, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I present you the S.C.O.F.F. Moron of the Tournament - The entire French Team, coaching staff et al. Well, frankly speaking, it is too early for this award to be out but we just couldn't help it. Before the World Cup began, I wanted to award it to the English team no matter what. Yes, even if they would have gone on to win the WC. My hatred for them is unmeasurable. But, after drawing their first game, and losing their next I had to sit up and take notice of a team that was imploding.

Please do not judge us. Every french person I don't know is supporting my decision. Instead of judging us, answer us this:

Are Domenech and Govou lovers?
Is Domenech retarded or demented?
Did Benzema refuse to blow him before the tournament?
Is Domenech retarded or demented?

The recurring question every one has on their minds is "Is Domenech retarded or demented?" There is only one person that can answer that, and that person is Anelka.

An update: By the time I published this, there sprang another contender for the S.C.O.F.F. Moron of the Tournament. The English team. Their lack of passion and technical ability will be highlighted by all except their own press. What a bunch of morons. Let's leave it at that for the moment. The tournament has just gotten exciting. Till the next post. Have a happy SAWC10. Cheers!

And we are back with the WC 2010!

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 06:23:00 +0000

On saturday, we met at Willy's for our monthly gathering of drinks, Ustaad's kebabs and Dominic's blabber. We comprised of Willy (duh! it was his house), MM, Dom and me. As usual, as the night wore on, our conversation came back time and again to football and the quadrennial World Cup. As usual, we fought over how the seeding takes place to why Drogba is a cunt. Not in Dominic's eyes though. In Dominic's eyes, Drogba is a giant gay penis that fucks every team in the ass.

Well anyway, to celebrate the mega event, S.C.O.F.F. will bring you posts with images this time (APPLAUSE). So no more darb articles on how this loser leads his life and lost his butt virginity. S.C.O.F.F. will bring you expert insights, news, interviews and great articles. Well actually, we are just bringing one of our old features in a new Avatar. No, EW is not going to be painted in blue and named Moron of the Match.

For a start and to mark the x number of hours left for the tournament to begin, let's dwell in to the minds of the experts that gathered on that fateful Saturday night and shed light on who they thought will be crowned world champions.

Let's start with Dominic. Atom-Dom as he is fondly called, cannot look beyond Lampard, Chelsea and England. Ask traumatized bride and good friend Dipti, at whose weeding AD just got up at random intervals to shout LAMPARD, LAMPARD and CHELSEA CHELSEA. I was embarrassed and wanted him dead, so did Dipti. He has no particular reason why England will win, except for that fact that they are England. How typical of them English fans!

We don't think AtomD will celebrate in the end.

Willy & I: Both of us have come to a consensus and considering how rarely people in our group agree, this one might just turn out to be right. Our theory if that the world champions will either be Argentina or the Netherlands. Both the national teams have unparalleled firepower. Argentina have Messi, Kun, Champions League hero Milito, Tevez, Real Madrid goal machine Higuin as their forwards. Netherlands have the sublime van Persie, workhorse Kyut and Sneijder to pull the strings. The defense is nothing to write home about for both the teams but both teams can pass opponents to death and can outscore even when they are not up to their game.

Willy and I will root for Argentina but have a sneaky feeling that there are two teams to look out for

MM: Miracle Monger will not be around for the WC and thats why he doesn't really care. He knows one thing though. He is dead sure that the Italians, a team that he supported since a child, will not make it. Why, in this day and age of blind support is he saying such a thing? The reason being, Lippi has not taken any proper no 10's along with him. Pirlo a defensive minded playmaker and the heartbeat of the Italian midfield is injured and will be watching the group stages from the stands. Not a great way to start for the Azzuri. When stressed to pick a team, he too couldn't decide between Argentina and the Netherlands. But added that we could never count Brazil out. But who the fuck supports them anyway!

MM has shown his butt to the Azzuris

Except for AtomD, the rest of us agreed on one point - Either Argentina or van Persie. Opps! Argentina or the Netherlands. Sorry that was my love for everything Arsenal. But the point to note is that something astounding happened in all these years - more than two SCOFFERs agreed on something. It's a rarity, unlike the world cup. At least that comes once in four years. Have a good one folks. Drink and cheer as loud as possible.

P.S.: I know you guys may not believe it, but I will, starting from tomorrow, blog daily till the WC ends. Cheers!

She stole my virginity and my life

noreply@blogger.com (Fat Old Son) — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 06:41:00 +0000

I lost my virginity to this beautiful lady called *dumb charades - sounds like* EarningHate. Like all relationships, it was beautiful at first. I was in heaven, at the start. A gaze with eyes so pretty that I was infatuated. She took me in when the world did not know my potential and made me an offer that I couldn't refuse. Once I got to know her, she let me do whatever I wanted. She let me come and go as I pleased, granted me access to whatever I wanted to see. Hell, she even let me court other ladies, but parting with her was something I couldn't bear. I just came running back. We broke up for a period of four months but realised that we could not live without each other. I realised that it was her or no one else. We had found solace in each others arms.

But as all relationships go, everything had its price. Things changed, and our second break-up was bitter, extremely bitter. She said she still loved me, wanted me. She wanted me so bad to stay, that she was willing to do whatever I wanted. But I didn't budge. I wanted out. You know why?

Its because she grew a huge dick. She would shove that thing up my backside, till I begged for mercy. I had to wait late, she would not spare me any social life. She would just rape me inside out. Life became a living hell when she started seeing other people and offered them a lot more than she ever gave me. She said that its how others operate too and I should just suck it up and deal with it. It hurt, but she said this with a smile. She said that she wanted me to stay and she will make it worthwhile. She said she loved me but she refused to take that dick off my behind. Its where it belonged she said and thats one thing she wouldn't compromise. So I left her behind, her and that huge thing between her thighs.

I still wake up in the middle of the night shuddering, trying to grasp reality after that terrible nightmare. My friends can vouch that I have been scarred for life. I just won't stop talking about her even though I have found someone else. Someone a lot better and less demanding. Last I heard that she was seeing some other boy toy, promising him the sky. I wonder how long till he realises, a vigorous hump in his behind. I wish both of them luck. They need it.