What now

Brading

2011-06-02T11:19:00.003+01:00

I've posted a short video on you tube for those of you who are new to braiding. This is self taught and is no way for professional braids.

I tend to like braiding my own hair, this way it's not too tight, which can be a cause of breakage. Braiding is a great protective style when trying to grow your hair past your shoulders. The most crucial part of your growth stage is when your hair hits the shoulders. The constant brushing and sweeping of your hair against your clothes will break your hair. That is why you might never see growth past your shoulders.

Once braids are in, look after your hair. Before I'd educated myself I would wear my braids for a while before washing. Now I wash my braids with conditioner only, every two days and shampoo it once a week. Hair grows with a clean scalp so always keep it clean.

For any advise or comments please let me know and I will get back to you with the best answer that I can.

The Tightly curly method

2010-07-10T18:27:00.009+01:00

So it's been the seventh month without relaxing or straighting my hair and I'm loving the results. Not sure why I damaged my hair so much in the past. But we live and we learn and I will not use any chemicals on my hair again.

I'd been worried about styling as we all know how hectic it is to style a fro especially if it's dry and we don't know what to do with it. But with modern times there is so much to do with your Afro. This is how I came across the site tightlycurly.com. The lady, Terry, who started this method has some really great hair tips and this is just another one of the many ways to style your Afro. I'm loving this method, this is my second attempt at the tightly curly method and it's great. It's easy to maintain and my hair isn't drying out as much.

I'm not following it to the T. I pick and choose products that suit me and I love. She does mention products to stay away from one of them which is Henna. Unfortunately for me I use Henna to cover the greys that have started to show up at the back of my head. It is the only natural dying product that doesn't contain ammonia or peroxide. It won't damage your hair. The one I use isn't drying and I add skimmed yogurt, a bit of olive oil and honey to prevent my hair from drying out. My hair is doing great and if you ever need any styling tips for your Afro, check out Tightly curly.

You might just love it like I do.

Check out some of my pics of my first tightly curly. Excuse the half cut pictures, self taken :-).

Be blessed
L

Hmmm!! Wondering about the law of attraction

2010-06-20T14:39:00.000+01:00

I've always been a believer in the law of attraction. The other word I'd use for it is faith. Growing up in a spiritual family we were always taught about faith.

But a few years ago I began to have my doubts. After my divorce I was up to my eyeballs in debt and every time I heard the postman walk up my drive fear would clutch to me so much I just dreaded the postman. Each letter was more demands and more debt and at one point I thought my house would be repossessed.

I had been reading the secret at the time and it was very hard to actually focus on anything but the debt that was right before me. I just couldn't see my way out that I began to think that the law of attraction didn't work or exist. But that couldn't be so because God exists and he governs the laws of the universe. Things became so bad to the point I just let go. I let go, handed back the keys to my MG and was about to let my house go as well. I just couldn't go on , couldn't fight anymore on so I just surrendered. Then something amazing happened.

I was taking my daughter to school one morning, walking through the snow and just allowing the snowflakes touch our tongues. I was in the moment and loving it. When I got home I checked my emails and there was a job offer sat right in my mail box. Not only that it was offering a salary I'd only dreamt of.

I took it on the conditions that I was free to take and drop my daughter from school. It was the amazing way things just fell into place when I let go. That was two years ago.

Money has just been presenting itself to me everywhere. I've stopped worrying about it, stopped taking loans, stopped depending on other people to loan me money. I discovered my own gold mine in my shed and the amazing power of the Internet and eBay. I never thought I'd be an entrepreneur but wow, things are looking great.

Never loose hope and never stop believing. The law of attraction is real and the minute you are in high vibration you will begin to match that vibration. I did ;-).

Be blessed always

L

Loving yourself

2010-05-27T20:52:00.000+01:00

I haven't been feeling well. The thing that amazes me the most is that I've looked after myself the best way I know how. Anyway I decided to stop looking at the illness and start focusing on getting well.

Sometimes we tend to identify with our illnesses, but we are not our illness. That is a total separate thing and for us to get better we need to focus on the positive. It's the positive energy that will heal our bodies, the negative, which I'd been wallowing in for a while is toxic. It doesn't help the situation. So I've got myself together and I'm focusing on getting well.

Life is now, it's beautiful and we need to live in the moment. Be it washing a car, taking a walk or simply reading. We must let go of everything and be in that moment.

If there is one thing I've learnt , it is, that no matter what is going on in your life, if you take one step of the time, by being in the here and now. Tomorrow, when it does come will be your here and now and you will deal with it just as you dealt with it today.

May God bless you.

Trust Your Gut

2010-04-28T11:51:00.000+01:00

I haven't been well and this kind of pisses me off a bit. You see, the thing is, I take care of myself very well. At least I hope so. I run twice a week, don't take sugar in my tea or cereal, have my five a day and drink at least two litres of water. You see I follow all the rules.

I guess I expected to be of perfect health all the time. Obviously this is impossible. I can accept the occasional cold and the flu but what I'm experiencing now is just not me. The thing is, what the doctor has diagnosed me with just doesn't make sense. I don't drink, nor do I eat highly fatty foods so it really sucks to think that after doing what's right I land up with what's wrong.

But after going through all the motions I have accepted that it is possible for a triathlon athlete to drop down dead at the age of 30 and a heavy smoker and drinker to live until the age of 90. Life has a funny way of teaching us more about ourselves than anything else. At the end of the day it really is about me. Not about the smoker I'd been resenting, that's their business, their life and their journey.

I decided to give up all the rules of what's good and what's bad and decided to refocus on what's good and what's bad for me as an individual instead. Yes, five a day is great, but what five a day are good for me? Of course excess sugar is bad, but what sugar is good for me? This has lead me to the book 'Eat right for your blood type' by Peter A'damo. What I've picked up from it so far is that as a blood type A, I really should be a vegetarian, with specific fruit and vegetables that I can eat.

Type A's have low stomach acid which makes the digestion of animal products quite difficult. Which can lead to stomach cancers, Gastritis and other sorts of stomach and bowel problems. This was my Aha! moment. It seems that even though I'd been doing the correct thing, I wasn't eating the correct thing for my blood type hence the diagnoses of the condition.

It's trial and error for me and like I said before, what might work for one type A person might not be what's right for me. We are all individuals with different needs. If our fingerprints are unique and no one on this planet can match them, then surely our health needs are just as unique. I guess we have to do what's right for us and as a guide I've began to follow the type A diet. And will see what works for me.

At the end of the day, follow your gut, it's always right. Only you know what you need. Listen to yourself because you are the only one that knows you.

Be blessed.

Beware of Ebay scams

2010-04-05T18:30:00.000+01:00

You know what, I always ask questions. More often than not anything that seems too good to be true usually is. It's just crazy how some people operate and try to cheat you out of a buck. Well I was one of those people who got hit on by an eBay scammer.

I'd listed a mobile phone on eBay recently. What shocked me was the immediate response I got from it. Here is the email below

Hi, would you accept £240 for it inclusive shipping today, am sorry for the offer, I couldn't wait until the bidding ends ,once you provide to me with your PayPal it will do for sending the payment.

Pls, Write me back asap.

You have got to be kidding me!!!!! I'm not sure what attracted this person to me but there must’ve be something I said that made the person think I was an easy target. Not!! First of all why would someone offer me £240 on a mobile that is used and you can get the very mobile brand new for £199. No, no no, I dooo not think so. That doesn’t make sense to me. Alarm bells went off immediately. So I wrote back and told the person that if they really wanted the mobile, I'll put a buy it now offer on my eBay account for £160 and will ship it tomorrow.

This is the response I got back

Thanks for the email, there's bank holiday today, but I can still send the payment today once I have your PayPal email, it will do for sending the payment today and then ship it tomorrow morning.

Hope to hear from you soon.

What is it with this person wanting my email address? So I just wrote back what I'd said before. Click on the buy it now.

The person responded to say that the button was not working. Oh c'mon, tell that to my backhand. So I just told the person that if they are unwilling to use the buy it now button I'm not prepared to sell them the phone. So there. That was the end of it.

Apparently there is a scam going around that asks you for your papal address so they can make payment into your account. You will then get an email to say that funds have been put into your account and that you should please send the item to some place in Nigeria. The thing is, the email is so well duplicated that if you don't pay attention you could almost fall for it. It also claims that it will hold onto the funds until you've sent a tracking number of the item posted. Seriously??????

Never click on such emails. To make sure that money has been sent to your PayPal account go to the PayPal website directly and log on from there. So many people have been caught out by this scam, sending items to addresses in Nigeria and are never to able to track the item to get it back or get the money.

Always listen to your instincts. Never ever doubt yourself and always ask questions. It's your right to protect yourself first.

Be blessed.

Indecision

2010-04-04T22:26:00.000+01:00

Don't you just hate it when you can't make up your mind? Well I've been struggling with something the whole day. Not anything serious but it just keeps nagging at me to make a bloody decision. The thing is, I think I've made up my mind already but I keep justifying why I've chosen the path I've decided to take. Why can't I just make the decision and run with it. Right or Wrong without all the uhmms and aahhs?

Anyway I've just made a final adjustment and I will take full responsibility for the decision I've made. I don't have a choice really. Boy doesn’t it suck when you have to make the decisions? When you know that if you've made the wrong one you'll have to own up to it and take full responsibility. But hey, I guess that's what being grown up is all about.

Keep on living and loving yourself no matter what you decide.

God bless.

Following your inner voice

2010-04-03T20:37:00.000+01:00

So get this. I was struggling to get to sleep last night. I'm a light sleeper, but last night was really hard. I was tossing and turning trying to convince myself that I'd fallen asleep. Not!! It was awful. What happened next was quiet odd.

I switched on my bed lamp and next to it lay my bottle of lavender that I use for my hair. Never had I thought that this little bottle was my magic potion. A little voice in my head said, 'Pour a few drops on your pillow.' I didn't hesitate, I just did it. I would've given all my toes just for a good nights sleep.

The smell was immediately relaxing. The next thing I knew it, it was the following morning. Not only that, I was feeling pretty dam good. So I decided to Google lavender.

Some of the many benefits are:

Helps with sleep: it induces sleep
Pain relief: Headaches, back pain, sore muscles etc.
Urine Flow
Skin Care
Hair Care helps hair growth, effective on nits and lice.
Blood circulation
Immunity
Digestion

I had no clue all the wonderful things it can do. And of course I was a bit sceptical but the I way felt this morning, well lets just say I didn't know I was missing anything until I woke up. I feel great. Was I depressed and didn't know it? Where had this good feeling been all this time? I love it and I'm glad I listened to my inner voice.

Always listen to yourself, the more you do the more you'll hear.

Be Blessed.

Loving my hair

2010-03-30T21:33:00.000+01:00

So, my hair's feeling lovely. I've started a new hair care regime. It might sound strange but I've got rid of all my hair products. Yes all of them. I know I took the big step of getting rid of the relaxers but I took it a bit further. For the past three weeks I've been treating my hair with products you find around the house and I must say I'm loving the results. My hair is sooooo soft, none greasy and isn't stripped of all its oils after a wash.

The first week I did the natural yogurt treatment. Left it on for about three hours. It kind of loosened the curls a little. It gave my hair its life back. I've only done this once; it's quite the messy business. The following week I treated my hair with virgin olive oil. Did it on the Friday night and covered it with a shower cap and my night cap and left it on over night. What I did was warm the oil for a short while in the microwave, then parted my hair and massaged the oil into my scalp then worked from the root to the tip of my hair. The result: soft shiny hair. The following morning I washed it out with my shampoo then deep conditioned it with virgin coconut oil. The results were fantastic.

The following week I went a step further. I didn't use any shampoo at all and cleansed my hair with baking soda and rinsed it with apple cider vinegar. Boy, don't like the smell of the vinegar but it did wonders for my hair. I added a drop of Lavender to the water for fragrance then finally deep conditioned it with coconut oil. I must admit that it felt weird washing my hair without the foam but the baking soda didn't strip my hair of all its oil. I've noticed less breakage, less dandraff and my hair is getting healthier as I let it air dry instead of using any type of dryer unless it's absolutely necessary.

These have all been trials that have worked perfectly for me. So not only is my new hair care doing a great job, it's damn cheap :-).

If using home products is not your thing, always try to use organic products. Especially for afro hair as it easily dries out. There are a number of online stores that sell great hair products that are chemical free.

Beauty4ashes.co.uk is one. They have absolutely fabulous hair care products for all hair types.
Harmony curls is also a great for curly girls.

If you are looking to loosen your curls without wanting to use chemicals then try naturalaxer. It won't straighten the hair or perm it. It will just make your beautiful afro manageable ;-).

So keep loving your hair!!!

Transition

2010-03-28T18:01:00.000+01:00

I finally did it. I got rid of all my relaxers and unnecessary products that just build up grease in my hair. I must be honest, going back to an afro is not easy. I've never really had one except when I was really young and once when I thought I could go natural. I've always weakened and gone back to the relaxer. But this time I'm determine to stick it out.

It is hard work though, what to do with your hair every morning is a mission on its own. Sometimes I wonder if I've made the right decision but I know I have when I hear my daughter say, ' I'm loving that afro!' This is what it's all about, loving me. As I am. There is nothing wrong with straight hair, but the chemicals that go into making it straight can't be any good. For me I think going straight was deeper than I'd like to admit. It's true, society paints a pretty picture about straight hair, that it almost alienates you when you go natural.

At first people look at you funny or find it strange to see you with your natural hair, but hey, this is me. So I'm rocking my afro with pride. Each one of us has a choice of how we choose to live our lives. For me, it's going natural and learning new ways of how to manage my hair. It has opened up new ideas that I would never have got otherwise. You see, it's like being introduced to myself all over again, but this time I'll actually learn how to manage my hair in its natural state.

Stay true to yourself. Love to all.

OMG

2010-03-27T13:15:00.002+00:00

I can't believe how long it's been since I last wrote on this blog. I have been writing though, my book. It's finished and I'm actively seeking an agent. Got my first response, not negative, just not what they are looking for at the moment. I'll wait a while yet before sending it off to more agents.

Life has been great, I've done some amazing things. I'm training for the Leeds 10k at the moment. Will be running for cancer research, which is pretty cool. It's seems like divorce was the best thing that happened to me. Sometimes your life begins when you are rid of the heavy load.

Have I found love? Well that's a story for another post. I have met some interesting people though, each one with a lesson to teach. I must say that the past three years have been a wonderful experience. Life has so much to offer and sometimes at the time you don't realise it, but each downfall brings with it a triumph.

So, I can't wait to share all my new experiences with the world. I'm at the beginning of transitioning with my hair. I'll be sharing that too. But for now, I'm just saying HIYA. :-).

Take care, be present and in the moment. Today is all we've got. Peace.

Count down

2007-09-20T20:13:00.000+01:00

I feel the excitement mixed with fear building up as the day of my departure draws closer. I'll be flying over the Atlantic on Tuesday, what a wonderful thing that will be. It's all preparation this week, can barely make time to write a post and when I do I'm always exhausted.

I was thinking this morning about me traveling, it brought back what the fortune teller told me the day I walked back from my interview in Leeds (earlier post simply be), she'd said that I'd be flying over waters....well it seems she got that one right, she might be a fortune teller after all- that doesn't make me a belly dancer,I was bluffing - maybe she has something or maybe she made me believe and it sort of happened. Not sure really, doesn't really matter I just hope the thing about the three children stays a misinterpreted fortune.

Well tomorrow I'll be doing the last bits of my travel arrangements and then it's off to NYC. I promise to capture it's beauty. I won't forget the camera, that's a promise.

I Wonder What Lies Ahead??

2007-09-18T18:25:00.001+01:00

I spent the whole day on my laptop looking for hotels in NYC. Pricey like I expected but then again it's just one of those things.

I'm looking forward to going to an unknown place, exploring all possibilities meeting new people, people you never knew existed. I remember the first time I arrived at London Heathrow, I was filled with both fear and excitement. Just being in an unknown place wondering how life is and what would happen. I remember meeting a girl on the plane and teaming up with her to find our way around. We were soooo excited about getting the underground, on the tube we felt like children with new toys. Although we parted at Victoria station, I've never forgotten her.

At Victoria I realised that my next mode of transport would only set off the next morning and it was 12a.m at the time. I went out onto the buzzing streets of London. People everywhere at the time, a city that never sleeps and I met a girl who had come from France. It wasn't her first visit so she knew her way around. We spent the night snacking on high fat foods and black coffee to stay awake and keep warm. It was freezing, I'd chosen such a "perfect" time to land in England.

Anyway we spent the night walking between the train station and the coach station because I couldn't make up my dam mind which I preferred. And since she had nothing much to do herself until the next morning didn't mind my indecision. Fact- I was coming from SA, rand to pound ratio at the time was R10 equaled £1, so I had to go easy on the £200 I had. The train would cost £60 to Leeds and the bus was £20 at the time. Now you can imagine my dread, the down side to the cheap ride was that it would mean another 4hrs travelling after a night spent at a station and not to forget a ten hour flight. The train though was a quick two hours.

We chatted about it and we talked about living in the UK until 6am when the station opened and I wished her the best and headed to get my £60 train ticket (It was worth it). So I wonder what lies ahead for me in NYC, at least this time I'll have the exchange advantage and I've made better plans but it's still so exciting, I wonder who I'm going to meet!!!

I have plans

2007-09-17T16:27:00.000+01:00

I have a plan or I had a plan. My plan was to go to New York next week. I'd sourced out everything I needed to know and today I was on the verge on getting my ticket when I get a temp job offer! Why at this time, why when I'm feeling content with my life does this job suddenly have to spring up now and it's an immediate start.

I've recked my brain about it and tried not to seek advice outside myself. This decision has to be mine and mine alone. I want to take total responsibility for the actions I'm going to take. I know what my gut is saying verses my head. The reasoning mind is telling me to go for the job. I came across a blog http://opensourcemarketer.com/blog/ The article posted on the 20th August titled Do you ask why not me, gave me the answer I was looking for. I think I've made me decision.

There is a saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I want change so I'll go the road less travelled and like Alice in wonderland see how far the rabbit hole goes.

Message from the subconscious

2007-09-13T10:20:00.000+01:00

Two days in a row.....Honestly this must be some sort of a message or is it? Or is it a subconscious thing I'm bringing forward in my mind.

What am I on about???? Oh, well here's the thing. Yesterday morning I'm in the car about to take Naomi to school, put on the radio and I hear a song. It hits me, I loved it. In the afternoon, I'm driving to pick up Naomi, stop at the garage to top up on fuel and when I drive out I put on the radio and the exact same song is playing again. Same song. Same day! Coincidence Maybe.

Now here's why I'm writing about this. Got up this morning and like all mornings before I do anything I switch on the radio. Not really for music but I love listening to the breakfast show on Galaxy. So I switch on and guess what was playing....... I don't have to tell you. I couldn't help but listen and I think I understand those lyrics more than I would have a year ago.

I know you must be wondering what's the song and who's it by, so I made the effort to find it on You Tube and share it with you!!!

Responsibility

2007-09-11T19:24:00.000+01:00

Got feed back from the latest interview and it doesn't seem like I'll be starting work anytime soon. Not that I'm heart broken. I've been thinking alot about what I want lately. I asked myself how a many times have I made decisions based on my external environment and the answer was, always.

There really hasn't been a time I can recall, where I made the decision entirely on my own. I'm not saying I just went along with what was presented to me. I couldn't remember a decision I actually made without looking for an answer from an external source. And that's honest. From getting married, to jobs, everytime somewhere along the line I consulted someone or something. I looked for answers on the internet, in books in other peoples lives, and yes I made some great decisions but I have never made a decision from my core.

So today I decide to do something along those lines. I'd gone for a lovely walk with a friend, left my mobile in my bag. When we got back to the car I checked my phone for missed calls. I had one message from the agency I work with. There was a job that needed filling ASAP. I could even start tomorrow if I wanted to, all I had to do was call back.

The first thing that happened was I was about to ask my friend what to do when I suddenly held back. I sat back and thought about it for a while. I thought about it. Then I called the agency back. It's a fact the money could do me good but was this job for me or was I going to take it just because I felt obliged to? The job was in Bradford. It would take me about an hour from home to work everyday. I said I'd think about it.

I thought about it alright, I thought about the money, the money I needed. I thought about what people must think of me for being out of work for so long. I could show them that I was capable of swinging back into the game. I weighed my options, the salary verses the amount of fuel that would have to go into my car. I was about to phone another friend to ask what I should do but held off. I almost called the ex, but I'm glad I never consulted any of the above because not only would the mixture of opinions complicate things, I would never have discovered the power and the sense of ownership of responsibility if I had done so.

So I called back the agent and thanked her for the consideration, that if it was within reasonable travel distance I would have considered it. That I'd have to decline on this occasion and for the first time I didn't feel good or bad about the decision, just happy to be in control for a change.

It has been a great turning point in my life and I've been using the past couple of days to brush up on my novel. The novel to which I'm waiting a response from the literary agent. I know what I want to do with my life. I've always known but for some reason I've always thought I needed someone elses approval, but now I know I don't!!!

The Wedding

2007-09-09T18:39:00.001+01:00

We arrived at the wedding after two pm. I'd decided to dress smart casual. I'm not really into the wedding gear. (Smart hats, glittering dresses.) I'd gone for a white long dress - that was almost sweeping the floor- but thanks to my height it missed the floor by an inch. Curly hair, a simple necklace I got in SA and a pair of white sandals. I felt good about the choice. As expected everyone, well almost everyone was dressed to kill- literally- you can imagine how many credit cards where swiped the week prior to this wedding. It's all about the BENJAMIN'S- it's a fact in the African culture. It's about whose going to turn up in the most expensive attire even if it cost them their last pay check!!!!!

Anyway we arrived late, but never the less we were in time for the food!!! Yes I love wedding food, provided it isn't cold, which in this case it was. We (Friend and I ) stood at the door way eyeing how many available chairs that were left. I was busy rapping on about the decor when Friend made me aware that they were actually praying. So I zipped it for a second until they said Amen. Then we made ourselves comfortable in the back seats without the tables - that's what you get for being late- and then rushed over to the "buffet" to get our food - which was cold. Serves us right for rushing, because after we had greedily downed our food I could tell the burners had been heated, so the later crowd got the warm food- bummer!

I eyed out the fashion at the same time tried to get drunk on two Bacardi breezer - please- it was like downing orange juice, I needed something a little stronger. I only spotted two fashion disasters, the first was a woman who looked like she'd skinned a cheetah and the other lady, well lets just say she refused to make any investments in corsets. Enough said. I decided to entertain myself by having a little dance, which rudely kept being interrupted by the hopeless MC. He's just one of those people who loooooooved to hear themselves talk. So I bagged the dancing sooner than expected.

In all I had a good time, I got to spend time with my friends, which was fantastic and I got out of the house, now that's therapy so I know there be less drama from me this week!!!!!

It's time

2007-09-08T10:38:00.000+01:00

Yesterday went for interview in Leeds. At first didn't think much about it, thought it was going to be one of those interviews but the interviewers were genuinely interested in us. It was a group interview. There was no unnecessary pressure and you really felt you could be in that environment.

Big company, great perks including medical and dental insurance. The only downfall would be the hours for me. I know I can work around them but it would mean less time for Naomi, but on the other hand she'd have a happy mother and that's what's important. I'm not going to get too excited about it. If it is meant to be then I will embrace this with all my heart. I will own it. It's time. I'm ready to finally move on with my life.

Anyway today I'm off to Manchester for a wedding. How exciting!!!!! I'll do my usual, take out my judging cap and be eyeing out the attire. Love being a fashion inspector. I love to see how other people dress and what exactly they'd be thinking to be getting into clothes two sizes smaller. That's just me! It's only clothes and it's a bit of fun!

The world keeps spinning

2007-09-06T16:25:00.000+01:00

I caught a glimpse a of a real live Jerry Springer show. Not that I'm a fan, but who can ignore screaming, yelling, hitting and finally sobbing in the middle of a town mall? I must admit I found it quite amusing and so did the rest of the shoppers who were forced to stop their browsing and tune into the drama of love. It's always about that. It's the main driving force that makes us act in such strange ways.

I walked by as quickly as I could, not because I didn't want to watch the drama to easy off the load off my non dramatic day but because it's a subconscious action I picked up in South Africa. The minute you hear raised voices in public in SA you run for it. You just never know whose going to pull out the sharp object first or start spraying bullets all over the show. I just got that funny fear feeling in the pit of my stomach, and kept as far away as possible at the same time glancing over my shoulder to take in snippets of the live act.

I did feel a little sympathy for the long haired brunette, in a pair of sweat pants and an off white t-shirt that seemed to have missed it's turn in the washing machine. Honestly, by the sound of her tone in the distance it sounded as though she'd had one two many. That goes for her three boyfriends or whoever they were with her. She was fighting with all of them. Story of my life. What can I say. I'm not into soaps so that was the best I could get.

Tomorrow I'm off to an interview looking forward to that not as exciting as today though but it will do!

Limiting beliefs

2007-09-05T11:44:00.000+01:00

It's official, I'm divorced! I guess I can pawn my rings now. Looking back I never thought I'd ever get to this stage but I must admit it's not as bad as it seemed. Sometimes pain makes us make bad decisions but also just the thought of pain or the fear of pain is just as powerful. For a long time I'd known this was suppose to happen but I think that it was fear not love that kept me bound in a relationship that brought me alot of pain.

Honestly though, if I'd a second chance to do my life over from the start of let's say my teens, I'd wouldn't change a thing. I think that everything went just the way it was suppose to. Yes I could've chosen differently but it was never about getting to the finish line, it was about the journey. I'm still on that journey and looking back I'm soooooooo different to what I was ten years ago. Ten years ago I'd be yelling at a security guard for following me around a shop because the colour of my skin makes me a candidate for theft. Now I walk or simply ignore the bugger. I have more control over my life. That's not to say it's okay for other people to treat you badly, but my reactions were never about that person, they were about me actually believing the message he/ she was trying to pin on me.

It has taken me a marriage, bad jobs, bad relationships to wake me up to the reality that I'm enough. That I don't need to screech my vocal cords to force people to acknowledge it. I'm enough, it's that simple! It has taught me that being enough means walking away from the things and people that hurt me. Not gagging on the crap they feed me. That even if I have to be alone, if for a little while, and not stoop to those limiting beliefs then so be it. It's hard but it is a beautiful feeling to be in control of my own life. I've walked away from jobs and people that have been nothing but negative. And even though sometimes it feels like I'd made a mistake. (Some once said you should stick it out. That for me is the same as admitting that it's okay to be treated this way). In the long term I love myself more and it feels pretty dam good and I seem to have much more energy.

So thank you to all the people who have passed through my life. The lessons that I've learnt about myself. The love I feel for me. The reflections you brought back to me. I thank you for the experiences. Today I'm better than I was yesterday.

Enjoy this song by Faith Evans!

Life

2007-09-03T15:54:00.000+01:00

A friend gave me a brilliant idea over the weekend which I haven't been able to shake. He said I should write a book about how to get along with your ex. Now, you will notice from my previous posts the in's and outs of the relationship with the ex. But in all honesty my friend had a point, because no matter what he says I've never jeopardised our relationship as parents. How I've worked it out is how to separate his behaviour from who he is.

I don't tolerate any negative behaviour towards me and I think he's got that one worked out. He knows that I will only speak with him when we are both respecting one another. On the other hand I did go cold turkey when we broke up. That was zero contact for almost three months. I was like a junkie trying to get him out of my system. Once I'd got through that period the things that use to affect me, the things that use to draw me into arguments stopped working. That's not to say I don't get upset from time to time, but nowadays I simply walk away and let him deal with his issues and when he gets back to his senses treat him like the human being he is and the father of my precious daughter.

Life is in our full control. Feeling miserable is a choice, and I usually choose miserable more times than I should. Sometimes it just feels so dam hard getting out of the victim mentality. But I also realised that acknowledging it, forgiving yourself and getting back in the game is, in my opinion the way of life. I don't personally believe in giving advise, but I do believe that using my own experiences, other people maybe helped, in their own way. No two walks of life can be the same. How I felt in my break up maybe totally different to how another person deals with it, and that's alright. My stories hopefully will help one cope better while going through the pain.

Dragging my feet

2007-08-31T19:27:00.000+01:00

I know I'm dragging my feet on my daily posts, but I've been quite busy. Well sort of. I've things to do places to go, you know... the important things. Went for and interview yesterday. I was ten minutes early and get this, the interviewer was late. Ha! Anyway it went okay, interesting lady. Mature and likes to wear loads of make up. I was really trying to focus on the subject at hand but I couldn't keep my eyes off the blue eye shadow! You know, sometimes I wonder about myself. You'd think I'd be concentrating on the interview but I always seem to wander. She was a nice lady all round. I'll know my fate on Monday.

Have two more interviews next week. One on Tuesday at 11 and another on Friday at 1pm. Good luck to me. Besides that I'm doing better than before. Today took Naomi to the doctor, shes got a funny rash...Nothing to worry about. The weekend is looking good, probably a barbecue if the weather is looking good and enough people are available.

Tonight just kicking back with a bottle of wine!

Change

2007-08-29T12:16:00.000+01:00

I've been going through the motions again and don't know if I'm coming or going. The good thing though is that life seems to be looking up for me. I have a line of interviews to go to starting tomorrow and the following week, which will be great because Naomi is going back to school. I feel as though things are beginning to change and I'm not sure how I want to deal with them yet.

Had a good bank holiday, that's if you take out the Sunday drama. Had a barbecue at friends and laughed myself to pieces. It was nice though because I haven't been with these people before. You know it's funny, you enter into this circle that has been formed long before you arrive, you feel your defenses going up very quickly, but I must admit they were a different kind of people. People who spoke to me as if they'd know me for ages.

Anyway I'm giving myself a mini makeover this afternoon so I can look stunning for the coming interviews!!

Change of plans

2007-08-26T10:54:00.000+01:00

We were planning to go to the Caribbean festival this weekend like I mentioned earlier but there was a change in plans. This would’ve been my third attencance since I came to England but because of certain circumstances I decided not to attend. I almost did though.

This is what went wrong.

Two weeks ago I got a call from the ex. He sincerely asks me if I could help him. This year he wanted to sell some drinks at the carnival to make a little cash. You can get a special permit to sell. So I’m thinking. I’m a civil person, I don’t mind helping at the same time Naomi can get to spend time with him so I agree.

So today I show up as planned, at nine o’clock to be exact. I park my car far away from the carnival coz I know things can get a little rough and get on the phone to the ex to find out if he’s arrived. He answers in his lying tone! I’ve had years of practise to know when he’s lying about something, I always recognise it in his tone. My stomach churns. He tells me a long tale about how he’s struggling to get into the place and he’ll call me back. Phone cut! Okay then, I didn’t just drag my ass out of bed at 7a.m this morning for this shit so as I’m about to ring to let him know I’ll walk up and find him, right on cue he calls.

Him: I know I should’ve told you this earlier but I’m with the woman……..

Sirens naturally go off in my head- he’s with the woman I threw his ass out of the house for- and stupidly in a panic thought I’d made the biggest mistake of my life and temporarily asked him back (I plead insanity in this instance), but quickly got back to my senses and decided that it was better her than me.

Him:....I don't want you to get upset.........
Hah????????? I don't know what recreational substances he's taking but since when does he tell me how and how not to feel? The thing is though; this whole scenario was not my idea of spending my bank holiday facing the enemy. I don’t recall signing up to the Jerry Springer show and I don’t break bread with my enemies I’d rather burn in hell. For that reason I decided to switch off my phone, swing my key in the ignition, put car into gear and head back onto the motor way and take my beautiful self home. It’s not worth the drama!

Sorry that there will be no pictures to show, maybe next time.

One day at a time

2007-08-24T19:40:00.000+01:00

We've had beautiful weather the past two days I refused to stay indoors. Yesterday we got back home late afternoon after spending the first half in and out of our local town and the rest at a local park. We had a little picnic and Naomi had a few rides and then we took a stride under the tall trees playing "I Spy". Too tired to lift a finger I couldn't bring anything up to write. I thought about posting one of my poems but I just felt so relaxed I just went with the flow and lay on my bed lazing about and reading a book.

It's been lovely and hopefully the weekend is going to do the same. We are going the a Caribbean festival over the bank holiday. I promise- that's if I don't forget the camera- to take some lovely pictures and post them on Tuesday!

Finally, as I was enjoy this beautiful weather I had this song playing in my head and wanted to share it with you.