... Oh, you were serious

The REAL Version of Family Saturdays

2012-09-18T20:38:00.000-04:00

Every other weekend my wonderful hubby has 4 days off in a row and every other weekend we have such high hopes and plans and schemes as to how we are to spend the weekend together. It never goes according to plan and it usually ends up disasterous or frighteningly boring.

Thursday night:
Me: OMG hubby-man.... you're weekend off is coming up. Is there anything fun and exciting you'd like to do on your weekend off?
LP: Oh you know, just family stuff. Can we have turkey dinner this weekend while we are all together and sit at the dinner table like a Norman Rockwell picture?
Me: That sounds like such a good idea. We should have a family game night!!

Friday Afternoon:
(Actual Text Message)
Me: 6 hours and you're home freeeeeeeeeeee!!!
LP: Yup
Me: Do you want to have a bonfire tonight to celebrate your 4 day freedom?
LP: maybe

Friday night as hubby is walking through the door:
Me: (frazzled) Oh my gosh... I forgot to put dinner in the oven!! It's just been so busy and I just got home and settled from work and getting the Monster fed, bathed and in bed. I am so sorry. Do you want to just have sandwiches for dinner and then I will make real dinner tomorrow night?
LP: Sure, that's fine.
10pm: We are both passed out.

Saturday Morning:
Me: We should make cinnamon rolls for breakfast and eat together. Want to?
LP: Sure, that's fine.

(24 seconds later)

Monster: CHEERIOS CHEERIOS CHEERIOS, MEME WHEEES, MEME WHEES!!! JUMP IN BED JUMP IN BED!!!
Me: Monster, do you want yummy cinnamon rolls for breakfast and eat with momma and daddy?
Monster: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 'SCUSTING!!! YUCK! Eat with MR BEAR! Mr Bear, are you?! ARE YOU?! Momma, is he?
Me: So glad we made breakfast plans......

Saturday Afternoon:
Insert random imporant thing we NEED to do at this point in time.

Saturday Evening:
Me: I'm so tired I can't think straight to make dinner. Will you make dinner?
(12 seconds later)
LP: (on phone) Hey, yeah. I'd like an order of bread sticks and a large pizza? Yeah, take out. 15 minutes? Okay sounds good.
9:45pm: Passed out in cheese coma

Sunday Morning:
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sunday Afternoon:
Me: We really need to start getting up earlier and going to church on Sundays. It's important for our child's development.
LP: uh-huh zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Me: Let's go play games with our child unit and have family game time.
LP: Sure, sounds good.
(36 seconds later)
Monster: NOOOOOOO MOMMA!! I DO IT! I DO HIT PEOPLE!! I DO HIT PEOPLE!! TELL ME NO! I chopped it UP!
Me: Doodle bug, I'd hate to ruin family fun time because you can't behave and have to go sit in the naughty corner.
Monster: (muttering) idohitpeople..... (sigh)
Me: Oh look, I think I see Elmo's match right there.
Monster: (destroys game with wild hands all over the game pieces)
Me: getinthecorneryounglady!

Sunday Evening:
Me: Leftovers?
LP: Sure, sounds good.
7pm: We are both passed out

Every.Single.TIME!

Ahhh, domestic life. :)

-Suzs

A Monster Story

2012-09-14T21:10:00.000-04:00

I started to write this last year and never finished it before lack of sunlight interfered with my writing skills. This week The Doodle-Bug turns two and we are to celebrate her awesomeness this weekend complete with Old McDonald everything. So to commemorate her second year of hilariousness, here is my story from a year ago. Enjoy!

As I sit here watching my mini-me sitting in her Cabela's camp chair with her little feets up on the coffee table I think back to my pregnancy and her arrival. It's a long story but very hilarious. Read on.

When I found out I was pregnant, our hyperactive white dog wouldn't leave me alone. He is very perceptive and knew that I was pregnant before I knew. I thought, "Ok, either I have cancer or I am pregnant. I think I may take a pee test first before I freak out." Turns out, I had a bun in the oven. So after my shock came horror, "OMG I only have one fallopian tube, oh God.... is this going to be an ectopic pregnancy and blow out my tube?!!" So I frantically called the doctor to make an appointment with the doctor and somehow figure out how to tell my husband that we were going to be having a baby. I had done like 85 pee sticks and had them lined up in progression on the bathroom counter and asked my husband to go check on something in the bathroom. He came back and said, "sooooo..... what's this all about?" I said, "Well, I think we may be pregnant." "I'm no genius but these are all positive results here.... I think that's more of a possibility than not." I then told him my fears and he said that after all the praying that I have done, I would be fine because he had faith. I should always listen to my husband but I don't, this is an instance where he was completely right.

After all of the hub-bub of going to the crotch doctor and confirming I was pregnant and telling our parents, we were in complete and utter shock. How could we be this lucky? We were shocked and I kept thinking the bottom was going to drop out on us... guess what it did. My husband lost his job, I couldn't get full time employment and the Gub'ment said we made too much money for them to pay for my baby. It was ridiculous but I learned the power of couponing so it all worked out in the end.

That whole pregnancy sickness crap was so not accurate! I was sick every single day of that pregnancy until about 20 seconds before they cut me open to deliver Shrek-baby! I couldn't eat meat for whatever reason and eating meat and smelling meat made me toss my cookies like woah! It was so bad that my Bestie's puppy Sir Henry Spotswerth-Topplebottom got the brunt end of my all-freaking-day sickness. He had peed, pooped and vomited in his kennel when I went to get let him out to go potty after work one day and I had just made a pork roast. Let's just say I puked all over him, the front porch and possibly the neighbors cat. Ironically, when I got done crying, apologizing and bathing the dog, and I went out to clean up the porch and the neighbors cat it was mysteriously not disgusting and puke-ified out there. Either someone saw me toss my cookies or the neighbors cat is thorough. Jury is still out on that one.

I was also over due with my munchkin and they did an ultra sound to make sure everything was healthy and nothing was alarming or serious at that time. The doctor put Le Monster's picture up on the baby jumbo-tron, I started crying. My husband thought I was weeping with joy and said, "She's beautiful isn't she?!" I swiftly told him no that she looked like Shrek and my dad and she was going to be ugly. He calmed me down and told me it was going to be fine. The doctor on the other hand told me that I needed to have a C-section because there was no way I was delivering those shoulders naturally. As if I didn't have enough to worry about and to hell with my birth plan! That went right out the window when all I could think of was my whooo-haaa and all the terrible things that could happen with natural child birth and Shrek Baby. So we scheduled the C-section and went on with our business.

The Monday of the C-section I woke up with horrible "down there" pains and a burning, head against my pubis feeling so I got out of bed at 4am to go pee and start my day of leisurely planning for my baby's arrival. WRONG! I sat down to pee, leaned forward to completely empty my bladder, got done and stood up to find that my water had broke. I didn't realize it at the time because it was 4am, but my water had broke. I sat back down, it stopped gushing out, stood back up and pondered if I peed myself or if this was the real thing, then contractions started and I realized we needed to get to the hospital. My husband on the other hand was not concerned about time tables, pain or an urgency for clean underwear because he stood at the bathroom door eating a donut while green-tinged amniotic fluid was everywhere and all over my white bathmat. I asked him for a clean pair of underwear and he came back with a ratty old t-shirt for me to wear. I swiftly informed him I couldn't wear that on my butt and that I needed a new pair of underwear and we needed to go to the hospital right now. He continued to eat a donut in the doorway.

I got cleaned up, freaked out a bit and finally got my things around enough to slide on some shoes and go sit in the car. My LP eventually made it out there and drove like a CHURCH LADY to the hospital. He dropped me off at the door and I waddled to the registration desk. I told the ladies that I was scheduled for a C-section at 10am but that baby had other plans for me, they registered me and then poked the crap out of my arms, 12 times. The funniest part of the whole story is the OB intern who kept popping in asking if I wanted to try to push this monster sized kid out. I informed her that if I did, future sexy-time relations would be like throwing a hot dog down a hall way and that I didn't want to rip my anus in two. They prepped me for that C-section pretty darn fast after that. I had prepared myself to get cut open, at this point I threw that stupid birth plan out the window and set it on fire because that's how useful it was to me.

Once in the ridiculously frigid operating room, they couldn't get my spinal going either. I couldn't stop having contractions long enough for me to bend over this gigantic basketball that was punching and kicking my lungs to get that sucker in place! Finally I grabbed the 4 foot tall Chinese OB doctor and wrapped myself around her until they finally got that thing in place. She wasn't happy about being touched, and I wasn't happy about the 5th attempt at a spinal and shooty, stabby pain down my legs. Shortly after, I had a panic attack, nearly threw up and they got to work. The hubs was let back in the room and he got to sit there and watch me silently cry in anticipation, fear and being pissed off about wasting so much time on that stupid birth plan! After what seemed like 45 years, they cut my baby out of my belly, showed this horrible looking, grey alien-child to me and whisked her out of the room. She was in distress and had pooped so they needed to do some interventions to her before she was out of danger. My hubs and I both did mental APGAR scores and it wasn't a good score for either of us. After the beebs was across the hall, she started screaming and never stopped from that moment on. The Teeny Child Doctor told me it was a good call on the C-section, and I was happy/relieved the holistic doctor agreed with my new decision of pirate gutting my child out instead of pushing that beast of a baby out.

I didn't get to see my baby for nearly 2 hours after her birth because of recovery for both of us and what not, so I was kind of anxious to see her screaming face. Months later I asked my LP what happened when they took her into the NICU and I went to recovery. He informed me that they washed her up, encouraged her to scream and then she defensively pooped on all the nurses. After being in the NICU for about 45 minutes and never stopping the screaming, they declared her healthy and angry and gave her back to the normal nursery. Soon after, I saw her little face and her temper. She was actually kicked out of the nursery later that night because she was keeping all the other babies awake. We should have known right then and there.....

After three sleepless days in the hospital, they discharged me and I am pretty sure I ran out of there as fast as I could. There were so many volunteers in and out of my room taking The Doodle for this test and that test that I couldn't get a moments peace with her or calm down enough to actually breast feed her. Who wants to whip out the boob while some random male porter is asking about a hearing test? It was a terrible hospital experience and I just wanted to be home; to bleed on my own sheets, to leak breast milk and colostrum in my own clothes and to be pooped on in my own house. Many of you know how volatile newborn poop is, I had yet to find out the true nature of "The Poop".

At Le Monster's 1 week check up, the doctor said she had quite a temper, which I took as, "please make your infant stop screaming and throwing a fit". Even the nurses commented on her defensive pooping skills and her Irish temper. She did have red hair when she was born.....

Through the horribleness of her birth and beginning, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I look back at how funny it seems now and how frighteningly tired I was, and I think about all the silly things we did together as just momma and baby. That little girl is my world and I would do everything in my power to make her happy, keep her safe and to make sure she is provided for. I can't imagine my life without her silly little personality, her huge heart, her beautiful smile and her hugs and kisses. She has brought me so much joy and taught me how to love her and myself at the same time. She makes me giggle at her little dances, her funny sayings and even the meltdowns! This has been the hardest things I have ever had to do but it has also been the most rewarding experience of my life.

Hip Hip HOORAY! Happy Birthday my darling daughter!

Love,
Momma <3

Banana Bread

2012-09-07T21:34:00.001-04:00

It never fails, I go to the grocery store and pick up a giant thing of bananas. The Monster really likes them but can only really eat 1 a day. I being the aloof mother that I am, always forget to eat breakfast sooooo, we always have random groups of bananas in various stages of decay around the house. I freeze most of the brown ones and wait for a baking day where I can put them to good use. With my defunked gall bladder and my avoidance of further pain, I have had to research a lot of vegan recipes. This one is 98% vegan friendly and the other 2% went to the butter around the pan.

I used this recipe as a guideline for what I wanted but of course, I can't leave well enough alone and tweaked it a bit. Here goes:

Dry Ingredients:
1 cup of Oat Flour (I used my food processor to chop down steel cut oats to make oat flour)
1 cup of All Purpose Flour
4 tbsps of Cocoa Powder
1 cup of Sugar OR 1/2 c of Honey
1 tsp of Salt
1 tsp of Baking Soda
1/2 tsp of Baking Powder
3 tbsp of Cinnamon
1/8 of a tsp of Nutmeg
Wet Ingredients:
4 very ripe Bananas, mashed up
1/2 cup of Canola Oil
1/2 cup of Apple Sauce
2 tsps of Vanilla
1/8-1/4 cup of Water, reserved in a cup

Pre-heat your oven to 425* and butter or oil a bread pan. I used sugar to line the pan over the butter so that the edges would have a little bit of a crunch to it.
Mix all your dry ingredients together in a really large bowl. You can sift them together to make sure you don't have any lumps but I was cooking with a toddler today so that didn't get done!
Add all the wet ingredients EXCEPT the water to the dry ingredients. Depending on the humidity of the day and the humidity and moisture content of your ingredients, you may or may not need the water. Because I used Steel Cut Oats, I added about an 1/8 of the water to make sure that the bread was nice and moist but the apple sauce and the oil should keep it nice and moist but still soft crumbed.
Pour the mixture into the buttered/oiled and sugared pan and bake for 35 minutes for bread loaves and 15-20 for muffins at 425*. You may need to adjust the time depending on how humid the day is but start looking at it and checking it at 25 minutes for the bread loaves and 15 for the muffins.
Enjoy!

You can add nuts, omit the cocoa powder, etc to tailor this recipe to your nutritional needs or allergy needs. Let me know how it goes!

-Suzs

My Rage O_o

2012-09-04T22:00:00.000-04:00

I am a pretty easy going person but there are a few things that really grind my gears. Case in point, yuppies. I am a very simple person who likes a bargain, doesn't require much to live on and loves to up cycle things and give them a new life. I am a hippy as my husband calls me. I make worm "tea" from kitchen waste and my ever loyal worms, I organic garden and I love cooking and creating fantastic meals for my family. I also enjoy traveling and seeing as many beautiful things as I can while I am on this earth.

My guilty pleasures are Pinot Grigio, Rose Wine, Merlot, stinky cheeses, great artisan breads and watching travel shows. I love the scenery, I love the look into other cultures and I love the chance to dream about the vacation I am mentally taking while watching. I like to watch House Hunters International for this reason but I get so upset with the people searching for houses in other countries. Stop complaining about how much it's not like "The States" and start appreciating something that is older than anything in the US besides Mt. St. Helen!

So the bathroom isn't as big as my living room, doesn't have a spa tub and doesn't have double sinks. That house was made in the 16th century.... for Pete's sake, be glad they even have a place to poop in that place! How much time are you really going to spend in the bathroom, your bedroom or the living room when you're moving to Rome? NONE, and I doubt that you will need a 5-star kitchen for cooking "authentic" Italian recipes. Trust me, some one's Nonna does it better and it's probably just as affordable and a HECK of a lot more awesome than sitting in a tiny apartment looking out the window.

As Americans, we have this view that we need castles to house all of our crap! I just bought a new wardrobe after not buying anything new for myself for the past 5 years... trust me, your shoe collection of 5 billion pairs of cheap shoes does not need to have a closet custom made for it in a Tuscan villa. Just because everything in the US is replaceable, doesn't mean that thousands of years of culture and practicality needs to be instantly changed due to your hoarding habits.

As the show ends and these people come back to reality, I am reminded that not everyone in the world feels the need to change every cultural and historical site of any significance. Some people like it just the way it is. One day, I will get there and live amongst the locals. I will eat stinky cheeses, linger over a beautiful meal and soak in the beauty that is around me.

Florence; my love!

Ciao!
-Suzs

Technical Delays

2012-08-31T18:21:00.004-04:00

Tonight's post won't be funny at all... You have been warned! :)
Tonight I will be taking part of a Casserole Party that my Bestie was genius and organized enough to put on for all of us. What we are doing is making one meal but 8 portions for future dinners. Once we get to the party, we trade meals and will come home with 8 different freezer meals. When it's all said and done, you will have 8 different freezer meals on hand for busy days when cooking something home made is impossible. I will post pictures later tonight but be forewarned on it's awesome organizing power. I'm so excited to be able to have 8 different food options on hand and not have to think about dinner or really much more than turning the oven on!

Options for my brain to think about: pre-making crock pot meals for freezing so that I have to think less after work. I guess I know what I will be doing this weekend! :}

-Suzs

Time

2012-08-28T22:00:00.000-04:00

This year for whatever reason, time has been a big factor in my life. I can feel it slipping away faster than I can schedule it. Don't get me wrong, I love being busy and having fun things to do but it seems like even the fun stuff feels like a chore. Everyone says that once you have a child, time flies by and they are right!
I don't even remember summer starting, but it is coming to a close so fast I can't stand it! I can feel fall in the air, I can feel Halloween sneaking up on us, I can feel the cold winter air coming down from Canada. The last time I checked the calendar in the kitchen, it was April. The weather was fantastic, the days were getting longer and the promise of fantastic summer nights were lingering on the breeze. It's now the end of August and I feel like I have yet to enjoy the summer due to a multitude of factors.

We haven't done anything this summer but work and stress out over nonsense. I have gone to school for a year straight and it's really starting to wear on me. I feel like there is still a time for one last hurrah before I pack away my capri pants but I feel like time is running out. I have never felt this way before but as I approach my 30th birthday with incredible speed, I feel like I am counting how many springs and summers I will see in my lifetime. It's kind of a dark feeling but it is sadly the truth.

Anywho, I have plans for super fun orchard time and great fall crafts with my munchkin. I just hope that she remembers all the crazy things we did while she was growing up and doesn't get caught up in the doldrums of life. I want her to look forward to the change in seasons and welcome them and all they bring. And not count how many more years of life she has left like her worry-wort mother!

-Suzs

The Day Taylor Swift Stalked Me

2012-08-24T22:00:00.000-04:00

The other day, the Hubs and I were in the car getting stuff done. He has every other weekend off so we have exactly 48 hours to get things done. We were in and out of the car all day, going to get stuff from the hardware store, getting clothes to update our dilapidated wardrobes... it was a never ending cycle of in and out of the car and the one thing that I noticed, that every time we got in the car we heard a familiar sound.

I started listening to country music when it started to calmed the monster down while we were doing errands. She was approximately 4 months old and was soothed by Sugarland and it made the very stressful day go by that much easier. I actually am starting to enjoy listening to country music so it's sometimes on the radio and sometimes the Cars 108 is on for easy listening.

Throughout the day, we had driven around and had picked different stations due to my lack of attention span. EVERY TIME we got in the car and turned it on.... Taylor Swift was singing a song. It was NEVER the same song. The first three times it happened, I chocked it up to a coincidence. After hearing every freaking Taylor Swift song known to man, I started looking over my shoulder checking to see if she was standing behind me or something.

I am still kinda freaked out that she is just going to show up and start singing to me and my monster. Not that I would mind, but it's still kinda creepy.

-Suzs

The Butt-Head Generation

2012-08-21T20:55:00.001-04:00

Certain things grind my gears more than others but the one thing that gets me every time is people being rude and/or putting their needs above others. I guess I am a dying generation that thinks of other's first and myself last. I thought that maybe if I lead by example, others would follow suit but I was horribly wrong.

Just the other day, I was sitting at a 4-Way stop sign. I pulled up, stopped, waited for cross traffic to go through and then proceeded to slowly pull out and move on my way. Now, my LP is a Paramedic and a Firefighter, so all these years of hearing horror stories and awful calls has provided me with a very weary and cautious mentality. I don't go looking for danger, I just prepare for it. Needless to say, I slowly pulled out and thank goodness I did just that because some self-absorbed idiot decided he didn't want to wait for my Mom-mobile to get through the intersection and all of a sudden it was his turn to go. Sorry, that you didn't see me or the other people stop and take turns while you were texting at a stop sign, but we all obeyed the rules, you should, too!

I know I am getting old because I am starting to say things like, "kids these days!" and "when I was that age..." I realize that in teen and tween terms I am old and crusty but I'd like to consider myself in my prime, so to speak. I also realize that after having a child you become aware of EVERY danger that could possibly happen in your lifetime or your child's, mainly because you don't want to leave this earth prematurely and also because if someone harms your child, well... it doesn't end well for the other person.

I am so sick and tired of rude people who have no manners, that I have compiled a list of things I don't like about the human race or from the youngins these days.

Things I am sick of from Generation Butt-Head/Face:

Feeling self important
Participation awards
YouTube videos
Feeling the need for multiple electronics/iHeard Crap, while people in the same town are starving
Not being aware of social issues
Not being informed or refusing to listen to become informed
Wikipedia
The word "like"
Miley Cyrus and her lisp
Miley Cyrus and her non-baby destroyed abs
Wastefulness
Not knowing simple survival skills
Ridiculous laziness
Thinking being a vegetarian means that you can eat chicken
Rude language towards their parents
Justin Bieber
Hipsters
Paying more attention to your phone and texting than the actual humans in the room
Lack of social skills

The list could go on and on but I am starting to ramble and I could start saying things I might regret, such as pictures of really cute cats in tuxedos and that would just hurt everyone in the process. You get my drift, so KNOCK IT OFF GENERATION AWFUL!!!

-Le Suzs

Oh Dear....

2012-08-17T21:51:00.000-04:00

The life of EMS is not a fun one, well at least not for the spouse's perspective. Here I am, at home, bored out of my mind because my husband is driving home from a 36 hour shift. Who am I supposed to annoy after the Kid Unit goes to bed?

In all seriousness, the EMS lifestyle sucks donkey balls! In what other job can you work for 24 hours straight and it still be considered safe? Only EMS, where we advise you to not drive while drowsy or with distractions but hey, wake us up and make us drive with a blaring siren to your house at 3 am because you're sick. Don't get me wrong, I have serious admiration and respect for Police, Fire and EMS peeps.... but it's an odd, odd situation to be in or to be forced to live with.

My Beebs, she misses her daddy. Depressing as can be, she will stay up as long as possible when he gets to be home, just so that she can spend time with him. Some days it physically hurts me when she asks where daddy is. What do you tell a nearly 2 year old... Daddy's helping other people, sorry he couldn't be here to help you brush your teeth? Other days I can handle the stress it puts on our end of things, just so that the hubs can feel not so guilty. But it's getting harder and harder to cope with.

This will sound incredibly naive/ stupid, and no offense to single moms because I am not trying to steal your thunder, but I can totally relate to what you're life is like because for about two weeks straight I don't have a LP, and then for four very short days he is all of a sudden home. It's this never ending cycle of rushing around trying to get things done, feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities and life and then to just end the day, flop down in bed and do it all over again. I'm whopped, I'm worn out.... I don't know how much longer I can deal with this!

I realize every one's life is hard, there are obstacles in every one's pursuit of happiness but I am feeling like there has been an avalanche that has fallen in our path. And the hubs is never home for me to complain about every day, first world problems.... so please, feel sorry for me! :3

Thanks for listening and be nice to a Paramedic.... they can make you puke if you're a butt-face.

-Suzs

The Toes Have It

2012-08-14T22:11:00.000-04:00

I am a klutz, if you weren't aware of that fact. :) My poor feet are usually the victims in such random acts of grace that I seem to find myself in constantly and for my poor beebs, she too suffers her mommy's gracefulness. I had such high hopes for her to be graceful, poised and well behaved. None of those things have happened yet. I know, I know there is still time to brain wash her into being a lady but I'm thinking that might not happen.

My poor feet, from the time I was about 10 or 11, they have been the target of cans of food, random toys, couch supports and many other things that seem to find their way onto, or lodged into my feet. Just the other day, I was putting away groceries and dropped a can. After nearly 20 years of dodging things reacting to gravity, I have learned to move my feet quite quickly out of danger's way. Luckily this time no piggies were injured but it's still scary dropping a giant can of pumpkin and fearing the worst!

When I was about 7 or 8, we were re-roofing the family homestead. Everyone was helping out and for some reason, my parents figured it was a good idea to send all of us kids out to help pick up rusty old nails from the roofing project. Guess who got a nail in their foot?! Yup, this kid right here! And of course I wasn't wearing proper foot wear because why else would you need to put on saddle shoes other than to clean up horrible, tetanus inducing metal objects?

I was in the 10 year old range when I was walking across the living room and smacked my last three toes into the couch leg support thingy, thus breaking the crap out of them. Did I mention this happened 4 days before we were supposed to take a church trip to Indianapolis and walk around for hours on end? Yeah that was fun in a non-supportive sandal! :) Fashion first, comfort second... right?!

Needless to say, if there is something remotely dangerous or pain inducing that you can't find.... just invite me over... my feet will find it! Or if you'd like to test out the tensile strength of something involving a heavy object, I can figure that out for you.... I need to invest in some Red Wing shoes!

-Suzs

Summer-itis

2012-08-10T22:00:00.000-04:00

Summer-itis: (adjective) 1. Used to describe the horrible sensation of laziness that lingers from the summer solstice to the autumnal equinox. 2. A medical condition that causes lack of care, disgusting carpets, the use of paper plates and grilling out on the barbecue so that you don't have to dirty dishes. May also cause the reading of trashy romance novels in hopes of numbing the pain of summer ending.

Use in sentence form: "Doctor, I believe I have the Summer-itis.... can you cure me? I have a new hatching of fruit flies and it's just going to get worse if you don't prescribe me something!! Hurry, I think Hoarders is coming to my house this afternoon!!"

I have the Summer-itis.... I caught it from doing too much homework.... it doesn't look like it's going to clear up any time soon either. Ahhh well, at least I have a fresh stock of trashy romance novels to numb me into thinking that life actually is a happy place where everyone gets along, your house is always clean and you never have a period or have to ever worry about having your period. Totes normal, right?

I am hoping this case clears up soon because I may need to hire a cleaning service if this dose of reality I keep throwing at it doesn't clear it up!

I gotta go hang out in the hammock and watch someone else work... meh.

-Suzs :)

A Sadness I Can Drink To

2012-08-07T22:00:00.000-04:00

Every summer my cousin usually flies in the second half of July to spend two glorious weeks learning how to be poor white trash. She is from California where they are sophisticated, drink out of glasses other than jelly jars and use napkins. She finds us a novelty, at least I'd like to think so because we are simple people without a lot of thrills. I like to pretend I have a lot of thrills and whims and proper manners but let's just be real, I am a gross, bare-footed redneck that likes cheap wine. And after that admission, I feel I am whole again! :)

In my neck of the woods (read: poor, trashy suburbs filled with mouth breathers), we tend to do things very simply. I have THE tiniest yard known to man and it's so ridiculous that my front yard is really my back yard because some horrible hick thought it would be a great idea to chuck the whole planning process out the window. I love the fact that the yard is small and easy to care for but there is zero privacy. Any time that you are out in the yard, be expected to chat with anyone going down the street and wave at every freaking firefighter that happens to be making their way down to the station. We live that close to the station that my husband has walked to fire calls and beat half the other's on to the truck.

Regardless of my postage stamp sized yard and lack of privacy, we still do have a good time. Heck, when my Cuz, we usually live in the back yard having bonfires and grilling food out of doors. I think it's a welcomed relief from being stuck in the air conditioning (I know, wha-wha... first world problems) and being able to do what people were made to do: move and drink cheap wine!

This year has flown by way to fast and with that has come the horrible realization that she is no longer just a student, but is now a bill paying adult who has "The Man" hounding her down telling her to pay up. This year, The Cuz had to stay in California and pay bills. I am so sad, crushed and forlorn that I cannot complete sentences or punctuate correctly. It's like half of my soul is stuck and doesn't know what to do about it. I am mopey, melancholy and a whole host of other words that mean depressed. I believe I feel exactly how Ernest Hemingway felt being stuck up in the Seney Stretch of the U.P. I could write a book about just my feelings and how much I don't want to do anything because I need to see my cousin. :\

I don't know how, or even when for that matter, but I am determined to fly out for the weekend to California to see my beloved cousin. She is this beautiful, Amazonian with a beautiful smile and a great sense of humor who always makes me feel better when I can't reach the top shelf on the spice cabinet. I haven't seen certain spices since last summer and I was really hoping she'd get those down for me this year.... I guess I will have to go get a chair and precariously balance myself on it to find my own spices or use the grill tongs again... Le Sigh......

Super sad and drinking cheap Pinot,

Le Suzs

The Ameri-lympics

2012-08-03T20:51:00.000-04:00

The other day my husband, myself, my father in law and my sister in law were gathered watching the Olympics on TV while chatting about the different events. We got into the random events that they have recently added or have gone unnoticed by us in the past. Things got pretty funny when we started saying what events we could and couldn't do.

I, myself, am a wimp. There, I said it! It's true, I am not athletically inclined, heck I was the only kid to get cut from the girls softball team because I am soooo uncoordinated. I know that I am not good at athletic things, so I said that I would be good at the skeet shooting type events because I am pretty good at shooting a rifle or shot gun. Me with a gun, yeah I know it's scary! :) My husband said that he could do the swimming events and then my brother in law came in the room stating that him and the other brother in law would be doing the synchronized swimming at the next Olympics. He even stated that they would win because they look so similar that the judges would award them gold just on that basis alone.

The synchronized swimming soon garnered our attention and demanded that we stare at the TV without blinking. You know how it is when you watch the Olympics; the first 10 minutes you watch in utter amazement at the Olympians, but after that you start critiquing the athletes like you're a retired Olympic judge. "Oh yes, I did see that falter on that landing", meanwhile you're eating corn chips and drinking an Olympic sponsored Coke because you want to do your part for Team USA, while being a complete and utter slob on your couch. The last time I worked out, I got pregnant soon afterwards so that's not been an option for a long, long time. Needless to say, we the Hubs came up with the concept of The Ameri-lympics.

The Ameri-lympics: an event that happens every 4 years in the backyards and couches of Americans. (read: easy enough for an American to do) Events include but are not limited to:

Channel Surfing
Beer Pong
Keg Stands
Hot Dog Eating
Competitive Flatulence
Speed Twitter-ing
Facebook Whining
Speed Gossip
Sarcasm Hurdles
Refrigerator Opening
Competitive Wasting
Yelling

Really, it's just a series of events that happen at a normal family reunion but you don't know who is truly a family member or if it's just someone trying to steal food and cause a family brawl. Ahhhhhhh 'Merica, I still love you but we need to have a serious talk about manners and hygiene. :/

-Suzs

Oh Hey There....

2012-08-01T21:54:00.000-04:00

It's been what, two-ish weeks since I have been on here. Let's see, my pre-blogs ran out and I really haven't been on here since the tree landed on my house. It has been stressful to say the least so please don't hate me for not updating your funny bone... I am sorry for being lazy/over scheduled. :(

My 8 month old roof is destroyed... (insert ulcer here)

The splintered end of the branch that broke off
with the poor swing set in the background :(

So, I haven't completely gotten the tree all cut up due to the fact that I am working like crazy, have a toddler monster and my husband has every other weekend off. And it has taken nearly a month for the insurance company to cut me a check, that could have something to do with the issues at hand.

Somethings that I have been doing these two weeks:

-Working, ridiculous but profitable hours
-Screaming at my computer for being clogged with too many pictures
-Being frustrated with the overly laden computer and giving up on everything
-Avoiding the dishes
-Avoiding making dinner
-Eating a lot of cereal because I am too hot to make dinner
-Drinking iced coffees for coolness
-Complaining about the heat
-Refusing to turn on the air conditioning
-Desperately trying to not be a slob
-Laying around on the couch reading
-Reading, not for classes or school but because my brain needs a break
-Debating cleaning things
-Laundry
-Laying under my ceiling fan
-Taking photos
-Learning Mandarin Chinese with my monster
-Avoiding responsibility
-Missing my cousin in California

The last one is killing me, so much so that tonight I plan on drinking wine and blogging about my despair for the other piece of my heart planted in California.... :'(

Le sigh,

Suzs

Viewer Discretion Is Advised

2012-07-17T21:00:00.000-04:00

Have you noticed the ridiculous warning on shows these days? Remember when we were kids and it was called being human and actively participating in life? You didn't have warnings on every stupid thing you looked at, bought or played with! Granted, some warnings are merited while others are ridiculousness.

Yeah, this!

Safety, Schmafety! We had metal slides that burned a layer of skin off the backs of your legs every time you went down that stupid thing because the genius who designed it thought of the most evil material to make a slide out of. It baked in the sun for 14 hours a day and we didn't complain about the second degree burns on the backs of our legs, we got up and went down that sucker again. Now the slides are not nearly as tall as they once were and are made out of weather-pleasing plastic and come with warnings on them about safety and not jumping off the top step. I remember watching a girl fall off The BIG Twirly Slide, careening off the multiple twirls, landing with a deafening thud on the ground. She broke her arm but no one tried to cut in line on that thing again! She lived and now probably has arthritis but we all behaved after that incident. Lesson learned!

I remember the first time I saw a viewer discretion warning on TV, it was on the TV show 'Cops' and it was because there were hookers, drug dealers and serious displays of violence against humans. It was real life and the first reality TV show known to man. Ironically, it's still on TV because as human beings we like to look at other's misfortunes in shock and awe and think, 'I am so glad that we are semi-normal!'

I was just watching PBS, of all things, and saw for an episode on Giant Squid that there was a viewer discretion warning because it contained images that may be too graphic for some people because it involved dissection of the giant squid. ..... When did dissecting a dead animal for science become too violent and graphic for viewers? I don't know if this is because I come from a hunting and fishing family but it seems absurd to me that someone would find that offensive and graphic. This is a part of human life and without killing and eating things, our race would not have survived to it's current state of 90 billion people.

Before you go all PETA on me, I understand treating animals ethically but this was a scientific television show trying to unlock the mysteries of this mystical and quite frankly, cool creature. TV shows can say 'masturbate' on prime time television, but we can no longer look at something scientifically without a warning? Of course, my monster won't be watching prime time TV with the foul or slightly embarrassing language, but PBS... COME ON! This is getting ridiculous.

How as a society have we become dependent on warning labels to tell us how to think rationally? Soon, we are just going to start ignoring the warning labels altogether and then complain that someone didn't verbally tell us that there was a risk of some sort. Where do we draw the line? When will the Darwin Theory come back into play?

I was reading a friends status update a month or so ago about how he came to the epiphany that the theory of 'survival of the fittest' no longer existed because of modern medicine and it's quite true. People are living much longer, there are life saving surgeries to help people get through things that would have killed someone 50 years ago and medicines that have just been released to help people with illnesses that weren't manageable just a few years ago. It's quite an exciting time in medicine in the same stroke of genius, it's a very scary time in the world. People are no longer dying from stupidity or bad genetics, they are actually living longer!

I know what you're thinking, 'She's going to go there.... I just know it! She's going to call us all stupid and morons and it's going to be funny!' The sad thing is, we are all idiots but medicine is preserving the idiots for longer. There is no longer a consolation of stupidity reaping the all the idiots at some point in time because some doctor has a hero complex and wants to be published in the American Journal of Medicine. Don't get me wrong, my life has been spared because of this research and ego centrism, but sometimes I wonder if the world would have been better off without my snarkiness!

I just want to see how the world would go on if we removed all the safety labels and warnings that electricity and water will kill you and if you didn't pay attention in 3rd grade science class, well you're screwed!

Just something to ponder,
-Suzs

Being Prepared

2012-07-13T22:01:00.000-04:00

Most of my stories and anecdotes are on funny, silly situations going on in my life and a few recipes thrown in for good measure. Today, after talking with my step-mother Robin today about healthy living and nutritionally sound food we started in on a subject that is near and dear to my heart: Disaster Planning. Now, my husband calls me a sooth-sayer because I like to think 4 steps ahead and all possible conclusions to be mapped out, but having a plan and being prepared is just smart. With global warming, unpredictable weather and how volatile our world has become it just makes good sense to get your act in gear!

This past week a snarky little storm ripped through our little town in Mid-Michigan and a gigantic tree fell on our roof. We are okay, the 8 month old roof is not. Thank fully we have a great insurance company and they are covering every penny of that repair. (Thank the Lord!) Anyway, prior to this incident I had been talking to my husband about having kits made up for the 'just in case' type situations that can happen anywhere. He told me I was over reacting to global events and told me there were better things to worry about. After the tree fell, he got a little bit more serious about what our plan should be.

I read an article from AllYou magazine, (Issue 7, July 27th, 2012) talking about natural disasters and what to do before they happen. Perfect, right?! According to the article, you need to make a plan that involves the following:

*Keep a card (preferably laminated) in a back pack with contact numbers on them. Include cell phone numbers, landlines etc for everyone to carry in case you get separated.

*Get an out of state contact person. Make someone who is in a different state than you, either a friend or family member, to be able to contact through phone, text or email to pass on updates or locations to anyone in your family in case of separation due to disaster.

*Plan for your pets. Know at least 2 people in different areas other than your own that will take your pets if your home is not livable for a while. Other thought, www.bringfido.com has a listing of pet friendly hotels that you can search for your area.

*In case you need to evacuate quickly, know how to shut off your utilities like water, gas, electricity. Good reference: www.72hours.org/utilities.html

*Keep copies of drivers licenses, passports and important documents in a folder for quick access. I would put the originals in a fire proof/ water proof lock box for safe keeping. Another Idea: Keep photos of loved ones in this envelope in case you get separated. Put this envelope in the backpack or somewhere that can be accessed quickly.

I have read on a few different blogs about preparedness and disaster planning that involved making up a disaster backpack for each family member. For kids you want to go through and re-check every thing every 6 months because kids grow so fast and for adults once a year. Here are somethings to think about for your disaster backpack.

*Flashlight, candles, water proof matches, lighter. Great blog post on how to make your own emergency candles.

*Battery operated radio or hand crank radio to check up on the news and weather in case power goes out. Extra batteries if you choose the battery operated type.

*First Aid Kit including 3 days worth of medicines with refill information. Just save an old Rx bottle and put the extra meds in there.

*Bottled water and Meals Ready to Eat or MREs for 3-5 days.

*Mess kit for each person for boiling water or eating.

*Pen and paper.

*Atlas or map.

*At least $50 cash for each adult and $20 for each child.

*A whistle for each family member in case you get stranded or need help.

*Travel sized toiletries or bio-degradable soaps and toilet paper.

*Change of clothes for 3-5 days. For children, you may want 3 different outfits plus layering gear in case of inclement weather. Again, look at these every 6 months for children to make sure that they are up to date in sizes.

*A blanket and bed roll for each person.

*Pet supplies.

*Swiss Army Knife, camp hatchet.

*Home made fire starters. (Take old toilet paper tubes, stuff with dryer lint and stick in a Ziploc baggie and squish flat. Lightweight and also very useful)

*A cool water bottle, possibly one that filters your water for drinking, found here. Side note: I'd still boil it first and let it cool, that's just me though.

*Camping gear in Rubbermaid totes for easy grabbing.

If you only had 10 minutes to get out of your home, what would you grab in that ten minutes? If you had everything somewhat laid out and ready to go, it would be easy and you wouldn't have to worry. I'm not saying that riots are going to erupt but with a summer as whacky as it is this year, it reminds me of 2005 when Katrina hit New Orleans. We didn't foresee massive flooding, rioting and looting then either. Just use some common sense and judge what is right for your family unit.

Useful links:

www.fema.org You can also text shelter+ your zip code to 43362 (4FEMA) to find the nearest shelter.

www.72hours.org

www.redcross.org

And now returning to your normally scheduled program!

-Suzs

A Mommy's Purse

2012-07-10T19:00:00.000-04:00

So many things in my life have changed since having a child. Not only is my sanity waning but my whole way of life has been turned upside down. Here is a small glimpse into how my life has changed.

I used to chose items of fashion for just that, fashion. These days I have to think about so many different things including the question, 'Can I fit wipes, diapers and sunscreen in here?' Which brings me to the conclusion, that if you are a mom you can ultimately save the world with your purse. There are so many things stocked in my purse at this moment that I could feed a small child army with the snacks in there, cure diaper rash, pacify approximately 4 children with Nuks, bandage 45 boo-boos and cure gas pains for 12 infants.

As a photographer and shooting at multiple weddings I have come to hoard things in my camera bag, stuff multiple things in my pockets and have clothes pins, bobby pins, safety pins and a sewing kit at my disposal at all times. I can also fix multiple wardrobe malfunctions with double sided tape and bandages. Try me, I can fix it! I am pretty sure that my purse hoarding/ worst case scenario kit has been the developed collection of life experiences and personal boo-boos, so my child will not want for anything if there is ever a situation where we need to wait for an extended period of time over 20 minutes.

So my question for the Mommy's Club is this, What is in your purse? Comment below, I am interested in hearing what is in the depths of your Mary Poppins Bag. :)

Toddler Bargaining

2012-07-06T22:00:00.000-04:00

We have been trying to make sure that the monster unit gets an adequate amount of sleep to day ratio and as of late she hasn't been doing very well at the sleeping before 11pm thing. In the past week, I have either made her take an early nap or just not given her one at all. It is horrible to have to study for a test while she is in there jumping up and down yelling at the top of her lungs like Tarzan. So I just have stopped giving her naps.

Recently I went back to work a few days a week so that I could socialize with adults. I know it sounds odd but getting paid real money for doing something actually is a great concept and I get to drink coffee all day long and talk about real people things and problems and complain to people who know what I am talking about. The conversation could be payment enough but I do really like fancy spices so the money helps. Needless to say, I don't have a lot of extra time on my hands and I am now adding more things for me to do. I don't have time to waste when night time happens and it turns into homework time, so to summarize Samuel L. Jackson's book and clean it up a bit, "GO TO SLEEP KID!!!!"

What has happened today was that my hubby let her take a two hour nap later in the afternoon. When I called home from the works to ask about how her day was, if she was being fed and watered, and if she was still clean for family photos in the evening, he told me she had taken a late nap and was still asleep. I told my LP that I was going to murder him. He laughed and said, "A nap isn't that bad!" I informed him it was and it is currently 10:10pm and she is standing at the rail bartering to get out.

You know the 5 stages of grief, well that's what Toddler Bargaining is kind of like but truncated to 3 stages for smaller attention spans! The first half hour you could hear her in there talking and playing and being in general tickled with herself for staying awake causing havoc. The second half hour, she started making requests and demands. "MILK!!! NATE, HORSE! PLAY! EAT FOOD! PEE ON POTTY!!!!!!!" Anything to try to get out of bed. Now she is approaching the acceptance stage and is winding down F-I-N-A-L-L-Y! She has even pressed every noise making baby and mobile to try and calm herself into sleeping. I am just waiting for her to aggressively and angrily throw her pacifier on the ground and then yell at me through the baby monitor for me to come and "Geeeehhh it!"

Le Sigh, some days I'm the hero and other days I'm the clown.....

-Suzs

Humor: A Love Story

2012-07-01T19:00:00.000-04:00

Today is the anniversary of the day I married my best friend. Can you believe it's been 6 years already? Me either, it feels more like 60, lol! :) Just kidding, it really feels like yesterday that I was having a panic attack waiting for my dad to drag my semi-conscious body down the aisle. Did I mention I am a nervous type person?

It all started the first day of Spanish class my freshmen year of high school. I had gotten into my class early because I am neurotic about being late for things. It is possible it was all those years sliding into the last bench 15 minutes late for church EVERY SUNDAY made such an impression on me, but who knows really. Anyway, back to the point, I had gotten to class ridiculously early before the bell rang and sat in the seat behind my friend and started getting everything organized like a nerd. I looked up to see who was talking and making a bunch of noise walking in the door and I saw *him*.
There was an angel choir, heavenly lights and a moment when time stood still so I could gawk at the Adonis who walked in the door. In reality, my husband probably had gym funk armpits, wrinkly clothes on and possibly ketchup on his face coming from lunch but I didn't see any of that. All I saw was the man I would marry later on in life! From that day forth, he was a marked man and he never even had a clue about his future life with me. Never saw it coming, poor thing.

For years, I played the 'friend' role while we dated other people off and on. Never once revealing my true feelings for him until one fated day six years after our first initial meeting. We had found each other on AIM messenger through the brilliance of technology at that time. I was home from college (read: ran out of money and had to go to community college to be more economical and not wanting to finance my entire future), when I had had enough of dancing around the subject. We had finally made plans to go to a hockey game (my most favorite sport in all the world), had a wonderful time and then he didn't call me for two whole weeks.

When I finally called him, I am pretty sure that I yelled at him for leading a girl on and not following through with at least the common decency of saying, "sorry, it's just not going to work out'. I made my feelings perfectly clear to him at that point in time and we agreed to give it a go and see what happened. After the first real date, I knew it was a lasting relationship. After 6 months we knew we'd be together forever and after a year, we were engaged to be married.

We decided to try and plan a wedding around his Paramedic class schedule which meant that we had to get married over the 4th of July weekend in order to not have to take time off his class. Do you know how hard it is to plan a wedding, let alone around a specific schedule and over a holiday weekend? It was a nightmare and we planned it in four months, bought a house, graduated from EMS classes, and started new jobs all in that span of time. Yeah, we were pretty dumb and stressed out but we made it on very little sleep and on budget!

I had tried to make all my stuff for table decorations, gifts and food so that we could stay on budget. Again, stupidity at it's finest! It was really fun and stressful at the same time but it all worked out in the end. I was more focused on the marriage, not the wedding and decided that even simple could be fun and elegant. So away I went with making bouquets, boutonnieres and centerpieces.

The day of the ceremony, I was driving my stuffed to the brim car with decorations to the church. Except that I was on auto-pilot from lack of sleep and stress and was driving to work in Grand Blanc. I drove right past the church and was almost to my place of employment at that time, when I realized what day it was and what I should have been doing. When my maid of honor called me and asked where I was at and why I was late, I told her I was just running behind. I didn't want her to think that I was a runaway bride.

We went to work setting everything up on the tables and I wasn't thinking about what was going to be going down later that morning. When everyone else showed up at 10:30 and asked why I wasn't dressed, I said that I had plenty of time. They informed me that I did not in fact have a ton of time on my hands and that I was supposed to be getting married in less than 30 minutes. :) Insert Run, Run Rudolph music from Home Alone in a frantic getting dressed scene. It was really like it was from a movie, to be completely honest. I hurried up, threw on my dress and veil and didn't have time to be nervous until I was completely ready to go and walking to the back of the church. I saw my dad, things went slightly fuzzy and he looked at me and said, "You finally ready to go kid?"

You have to understand my dad's brand of humor to really appreciate how funny this statement was. I nervously cackled, had a mini panic attack, started dripping sweat and fanning myself while makeup melted off my face and my painstakingly straightened hair started to frizz near my temples. Professional strength deodorant my butt!! I smelled like a wet dog that met it's match with a skunk who had just rolled out of Taco Bell's dumpster. I calmed down enough to stop hyperventilating and force myself to walk forward while clinging to my dad. The only thing I asked him to do was not let me fall down or trip. He said he could probably manage that.

After what seemed like an eternity of walking down that aisle, I swear it was 9 miles long, I saw *him* again. This time I am pretty sure that the angels were actually there because I was near passing out. I got to the end and the future LP told me to breathe slowly and to keep looking forward (future paramedic in training). What seemed like 4 years later, we said our vows and became Mr. and Mrs., kissed and ran out of there before I could really pass out in true fashion.

My new MIL had made our wedding cake and it was delightful. We had planned for about 100 people at our first reception and made a cake that could be taken down and transported to our house for the second party. The cake didn't make it back to the house and we had to pry people's hands off the cake knife to try and get our cake topper home in one piece! That cake was supposed to feed 300+ people and we left with a cake topper because it was that good.

Needless to say, because of the EMS friends and ridiculous schedules, we decided to have two receptions to accommodate everyone. One little reception at the church and one at our new home. It was nice to get to see everyone and get to talk to them about all the new things that have happened in their lives and the directions they went to. It was a great day: stressful, fun, lively and lovely.

Through all the years that The Hubs and I have known each other, yes we have gone through ups and downs, rough patches and many, many arguments. Through it all we have remained best friends, have kept our sense of humor and are still as silly as when we first met each other. We have grown in our marriage together and have figured each other out enough to not annoy the crap out of each other every single day of our lives together.

Six years, 1 monster, 2 dogs, 1 house, 2 blissfully ignorant people and many years of love and laughter later, we are still kicking! How? I have no idea but I think it has to do with the humor and laughter part. Here is to another billion years together, best friend!

<3
-Suzs

Riddle Me This...

2012-06-29T22:00:00.000-04:00

I really, really grappled with a witty name for this post but finally settled on the above. There are so many funny options for the subject at hand that I wanted to choose a title that was relatable and also funny. Here goes the post!

62 Glasses and Cups completely clean and stacked to Tetris perfection

How is it that within 36 hours of dish load completion and empty sink-itis, that a family of 3 can go through all 62 glasses, cups and miscellaneous cups? How is this possible? What kind of new math can this be? Especially because the Child Unit only uses sippy cups and I buy plastic, throw it away cups?!

Here is my hypothesis (H, box, square, rectangle around it) I believe that within the course of 36 hours my lovely Life Partner decides that he is going to try to torture me as I hate doing the dishes. Here is my proof.

In any given day I will drink a morning coffee or tea to get my mind working again while the Doodle Bug drinks from a sippy cup.
Morning total: 1 coffee cup, 1 sippy cup

By lunch time/nap or quiet time, I will go and get a glass of water or iced tea depending on the time of year to drink with my meal. Afterwards I will put it on the counter top ready for action the next time it is needed.
Afternoon Total: 1 coffee cup, 1 sippy cup, 1 large drinking glass

When the Monster gets up from her nap or quiet time, she eats lunch and uses the same sippy cup that she was using for the morning. No need to update the total because it hasn't changed, right? Then comes the evening and dinner time. Doodle usually eats dinner while I have a snack to wait until LP comes home from work so we can actually eat a meal together during some point of the day. The CU gets a new sippy cup filled with milk or a plastic cup and straw because she thinks she's a sophisticate. I refill my glass with a form of liquid.

Evening Total: 1 coffee cup, 2 sippy cups, 1 large drinking glass

The LP comes home and we eat and talk and I get started on my homework and what not. We go to bed and end our day.

Cup Total in our cupboard at 11:59pm: 60
(insert new day)
Cup Total in our cupboard at 8:00am: 12
Cup Total on the teeny bit of counter I have to work with: 45 (there is always 3 outstanding cups hiding somewhere breeding more dirty cups)

How and why are my next questions followed by exasperated gesturing and mouth opening and closing followed by no sound coming out. I am starting to think that there is a midget hiding in our closets waiting for us to go to bed so that he can come out and eat and drink until he is merry. It might be Santa, too. I think he is a sleep-eater.

Le Sigh
-Suzs

Thank You Alecia Keys

2012-06-26T22:00:00.000-04:00

Have you ever felt like you wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out for weeks on end while someone else takes care of you and you sleep until your body hurts? Congratulations either you have a husband or you have children! :) Welcome to Pergatory my friends!!

There are days when I feel like I should just give up. What is the point of cleaning and cleaning and more cleaning when it's just going to get messed up all over again? Then I think back to all of those Hoarders episodes and I really don't want someone to show up at my house with a camera crew. I'd be too embarassed to let them through the door! :) If it weren't for Alecia Key's version of 'Superwoman' and some espresso in the morning, it would be ridiculous around my house. I can't live without motivational music and caffiene.

So here is my way to humor you all with husbands and children or hey, furbabies create their own kind of mess too, so here ya go! My favorite internet Memes, I hope you find some humor and a sense of being able to trudge on.

Or better yet, eat my dinner without whining, begging
or a temper tantrum from the Monster

Because caffiene hasn't entered my blood stream yet

Oh GOD!! Is there an antibiotic for that?!

For my Bestie and all my family....
I don't want to clean anymore. Make it stop!!

We have all been there at one point or another! :)

Your Newest Favorite Food :)

2012-06-21T21:21:00.001-04:00

So, let's just get this out there.... My Mother In Law= Genius! That woman can cook and I have learned a lot from watching her and stalking her in the kitchen. She probably thinks that I am a weirdo watching her all the time but I have really learned how to economize, meal plan and recycle food into more food awesomeness so you never have to eat leftovers. Can I get a GENIUS!! WOOT WOOT!

So when it came to my attention that she made the most versatile dip, frosting, faux ice cream known to mankind I *needed* the recipe. This is one of my vital and most used recipe card in my index, get ready for you ready for your mind to be blown. :)

The Components:

Cool Whip
Jello (any flavor your heart desires)
Yogurt (also, any flavor your heart desires)

Directions:
Mix it all together and let sit for at least 4 hours, can be made and sit over night for more creamy awesomeness. (Sometimes a girl can't wait for faux ice cream!)

Here's the deal, the uses for this are endless. I have used it on cupcakes for the Monster's birthday party last year, I have used it as fruit dip and I have also froze this wonderful mixture to make low calorie and low fat "ice cream". I am currently making this with chocolate pudding mixture. I will update you on how it turns out! :) Also, you can use sugar free cool whip, sugar free jello and plain yogurt for a diabetic treat!

So, is your mind blown? If so, awesome. If not, well you just need to try it out and your world will be rocked!

Awesome Flavor Combos:
Strawberry Jello + Stawberry/Banana Yogurt
Orange Jello + Vanilla Yogurt= Cream-cicle flavor
Blue Raspberry Jello + Raspberry Yogurt
Lime Jello + Vanilla Yogurt= Key Lime Pie flavor
Cherry Jello + Raspberry Yogurt= Cherry Berry flavor

Let me know what flavor combos you try, send me some pics if you do make this wonderfulness!

Stay cool my friends,
-Suzs

Mommy Guilt

2012-06-19T20:43:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the Mommy-Club, here's your guilt package to get you started on feeling guilty about every decision you make for your child. Got an ulcer yet? Well, let's just get you started in that line!

When I became pregnant, I was militant about what I was going to do for my child and what I was going to protect them against. Then I had the kid and all that went out the window! It first started when my birth plan didn't go according to the plan I had in my head. C-section instead of Au natural birth with no epidural or interventions, obviously I am a terrible mother for breeding a Shrek like child too large to pass normally through my birth canal. Guilt Trip Number 1 right there! It progresses to more ridiculousness, I promise!

The second guilt trip came when I didn't produce enough milk to adequately feed my child through the refrigerator set on the front of me. For whatever reason, she nursed constantly, was never full and screamed for 4 months straight (insert first ulcer here). So, after crying my eyes out for 2 hours and apologizing to my infant unit I decided it was time to look into other options. This was confirmed when my bestie told me, she's obviously not happy or full and that it was time to try something else. I had given it my best try and for the best situation for both of us would be to try some formula. After she fed her the formula (read: delicious poison) she stopped crying for about 2 hours afterward. It was the quietest 2 hours of my life since getting gutted 2 months earlier.

Guilt trip number 3 turned out to be when the formula gave said monster unit an extreme tummy ache and awfulness that ensued from this form of baby torture. It was awful to see her scream and cry for hours on end because her belly hurt so bad. (Insert larger ulcer here) Gripe water was a gift from the gods as far as I am concerned and also gentle baby formula. We got into a better grove and she was still crabby, just less hysterical.

Guilt trip number 4 came when I started feeding her fruits and veggies..... FROM A JAR!!!! (duhhhh duhhhh duuuuuuuhhhhhhhh) Gasp! I know, not organic from my garden because while I was pregnant I was allergic to housework, cooking and laundry. Therefore I didn't prepare like normal women usually do by making their own baby food. It really only takes a pan, some water and a food processor to make and freeze baby food-cicles but I was not very maternal or womanly while preggers. Gerber seemed safe enough and filled up her ever growing belly. Side note: she made it through the non-organic food just fine and so did my wallet.

Guilt trip number 5-10 included back surgery and not being able to hold my monster or take care of her for that matter. It was a dark time and I don't care to revisit it, just know it was awful and I will forever remember how awful it felt to hear her cry and I couldn't pick her up. She held it against me for about a month after I was able to pick her up but I am glad that she won't ever remember it. Again, I will remember it forever and be haunted by guilt and ulcers.

From all of the guilt trips and mini-guilt trips I go through throughout the day/week/month/year, my baby is the most precious thing in my life and I try to make the best decisions for her. I want to see her grow and learn and love. I want so many wonderful things for her life and I need to stay focused on the end result, not all the silly decisions or bumps or bruises that happen along the way. If you're a mom, new or seasoned, you understand the huge amount of responsibility that is placed in your arms the moment they are born. You know how you want things to go and then you realize that things don't always go according to plan.

In the end, your child doesn't care or mind, all they want is to snuggle up to you and read a book or watch Finding Nemo with you. It doesn't matter about the silly decisions everyday, it matters the quality time spent together. Who cares if they didn't eat organic, heirloom vegetables since starting pureed foods, what matters is the fact that you spent time with them to teach them, to love on them and to kiss those boo-boos when you accidentally take a corner too short and bonk their little heads. :/ (Hey it happens, don't judge!)

-Suzs

Shark Bait ooo-ha-ha!

2012-06-15T22:00:00.000-04:00

I had to go to the Wal-market today.... it wasn't fun to stand in line with awful people but it was necessary. Especially when you think about how awesome these pants are!

Awesomely constructed Shark Pants and Shorts.
Note: Do not judge me on the stains upon my white couch,
I have a toddler. Enough said!

My child is obsessed with sharks. She sees one and she needs it, so on our last trip to Jo-anns we bought some shark material to make into pj pants. I don't know how to actually follow a pattern so I just make them up with newspaper and existing clothing on hand. I can't read the instructions and it confuses me so I make it up as I go along. So, needless to say that I don't know how to make shirts out of non-stretchy material that she could actually be comfortable in while sleeping and fish flopping in bed. We had to go to the cheap t-shirt bin at (shudder) Wal-mart.

I swear every time I go into that place, it is like a movie set for a Tim Burton casting call. Here are some of the actors/creatures I encountered. I swear these Creature Features looked e-x-a-c-t-l-y like the famous people I will mention!

-David Bowie circa 1985 but with zombie flesh
-Jabba the Hut riding an amigo
-Amy Winehouse 6 months after death (too soon?)
-Snooki after 6 kids
-a really short Woody Allen
-Scarlett Johanssen at 40 after cancer took away her voice box
-Selena(s) Quintanilla but with horrible eyebrows
-Cloris Leachman, no joke looked just like her!
-Donald Trump at 90, still had the terrible haircut
-Sisqo, complete with blonde fried hair and weird vest from the thong song video

I may be too harsh on people, or maybe they just come out and speak to me louder than others but people are WEIRD! (including me ;)

Stay Classy My Friends!

-Suzs

Losing your mind, one episode of Kai-lan at a time...

2012-06-12T19:00:00.000-04:00

So we have watched the episode where Kai-lan goes to China approximately 1,345,673,453,217,894,665,342 times so far and the most recent viewing the Husband came to a really great realization. What does Yea Yea actually do?

The episode starts off with a Skype conversation between Kai-lan, her grandfather, Yea Yea and her great aunt who lives in China. They all of a sudden need to hop on a plane right that second and head to China after Yea Yea tells everyone to hurry up and pack. The Hubs asked me, "What exactly does Yea Yea do to afford a private jet to China? All he ever does is pick apples, I don't quite get it." Maybe they are organic, heirloom apples, or they contain illicit drugs. Either way, Yea Yea is L-O-A-D-E-D!

Also, what I found to be strange is that he asked a child, a tiger, a monkey and a koala to pack for a long trip without whining, procrastination, a temper tantrum or any real direction as to how the weather would be to pack for. And further more, why didn't he get stopped at Customs to declare his exotic animal collection? Why am I the only one who is stopped at Customs while the drug dog is taking a nap and they are tearing apart my suitcase looking in my dirty underwear and socks for drugs? I must have the "she's too nice looking not to be a drug smuggler" written all over my face.

Good bye sanity, see you when I have grandchildren :)

Le Sigh,
-Suzs