tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-116713142024-11-08T07:38:31.266-08:00Advice for the Lovelorn, the Clothesworn, and the LifelostClairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03089121035312040451noreply@blogger.comBlogger50125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-16254196698929613252012-09-19T11:36:00.000-07:002012-09-19T11:36:36.011-07:00

Yes, I am doing a live show again.  September 27 at the Electric Lodge in Venice.  Here is a little video of us getting ready for it.  Enjoy!

Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03089121035312040451noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-11584883011792052762012-01-16T08:55:00.000-08:002012-01-16T09:21:57.042-08:00

People is all confused about whether corporations are people. They have the rights of people but they do not have the body parts, which is why I prefer to call them cyborgs - a person with parts that are both human (your workers) and artificial or mechanical (all the rest including and especially the part where the heart has been removed as a vestigial organ like the appendix). It wouldn't be so

Sudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17668396677126239786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-19241830988234208162012-01-14T09:21:00.000-08:002012-01-14T09:21:52.406-08:00

Sweater vests on a male are your essential "neuter" signal. Not your gay signal, though yours truly has know many of the asexual type of male for whom breasts do not brighten the world and who really just can't let himself know he's attracted to other males. So he is attracted to nobody. No. The sweater vest, in swaddling the penis analogue called a tie in a kind of cocoon, works as a sort of

Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03089121035312040451noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-73075507377370714782012-01-03T10:36:00.001-08:002012-01-03T10:45:06.869-08:00

Three days into January and resolutions are vanishing like they never was. You can always blame it on Karma... you can blame everything on Karma. Plus, if you had past lives that you get to improve on in this life, then it goes to show you can put off to the next one all that stuff you resolved to work on in 2012. Karma is certainly a handy thing to believe in for some folks. Here's the

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-88725597695120141112012-01-02T14:09:00.000-08:002012-01-02T14:10:20.970-08:00

I'm back. A girl needs to get away every now and then and Christmas is a great time to do it. People is so busy shopping, they don't notice that suddenly you ain't returning their phone calls because who has time to call in the first place? And what with family gatherings that simultaneously turn you into a child again and add gray hairs to your beehive, you can't disappear too completely if

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111688109101208332012-01-01T10:13:00.000-08:002012-01-14T09:40:50.776-08:00

ONLY THE COOK GETS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE FOOD. For most of the history of your human race, the big question for most of the aforementioned humans themselves was not what but whether they was going to eat today. Today now being 2009, the problem is not starvation but obesity. Not eating much because you don't really like eggs or burnt edges on the toast won't kill you. It'd prob'ly be good for

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111685079172862842011-12-13T09:24:00.000-08:002012-01-02T13:57:29.160-08:00

I love shopping malls. Malls is America, don'cha know, especially now that they got not only the big stores, but those little booths outside. Very democratic. Big enterprise and small trying to catch the eye of women and their purses.I feel so connected to the whole of humanity in a mall. It's every marketplace throughout the history of civilization, said history really being just the

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111688818470235642011-11-22T10:25:00.000-08:002012-01-02T13:40:33.559-08:00

As we gear up for the holiday season, I figured to give you all a little heads up about what's coming in the way of your male behavior and why you should start shopping now.Psychiatrists have noticed that men mostly get irritable and depressed this time of year, and like most of you having your Thanksgiving traumas with your family, they blame it on The Holidays. They are, of course, wrong. I

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111685294602500282011-11-07T09:28:00.000-08:002012-01-02T13:53:25.277-08:00

My sister was visiting Lost Angeles, so naturally, we went shopping. She was looking for a purse. We went to a half dozen stores. We saw cute purses with rhinestones and puppy dogs, classy purses in leather and linen, hip purses in bright translucent floppy plastic, tote bags, shoulder bags, hand bags. A cornucopia of choices and my sister, while appreciating the style of many, had to find

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111700422903163612011-10-24T13:39:00.000-07:002012-01-02T13:40:08.113-08:00

Everybody keeps asking what I'm going to be for Halloween. I keep trying to come up with something. But the only person I can think of that I want to be is me. So you can come over dressed up as your fantasy self. Me, I already am.Some people say you should dress up all ugly and scary so the ghouls and goblins will run away and go after someone else. I don't worry about that. If I can handle men

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111686300680862852011-10-10T09:44:00.000-07:002012-01-02T13:51:51.888-08:00

Anybody who says the Bible defines marriage as something only between a man and a woman is either ignorant or a liar.I may not be the world's greatest expert on the Bible, but I can read as good as the next girl. And sometimes I do. So let me tell all of you that the Bible don't say nowhere that marriage is between a man and a woman. Check out your King James if you don't believe me. Now, there's

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111725413701402312011-09-30T20:36:00.000-07:002012-01-02T14:25:17.208-08:00

October is the month when the testosterone levels in your males is at its yearly high. Two o'clock in the afternoon is the daily peak - kinda like a high tide at the full moon. Basically, girls, we're talking free lunches in the fall. Just smile at a guy, and he'll be panting to pick up the tab. After all, accepting food from a male is the first step in Mother Nature's mating cha-cha for most of

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111725974255027052011-09-14T20:45:00.000-07:002012-01-02T13:56:30.968-08:00

My philosophy of shoes is not just an abstract theory about female sexual self-expression. It has very practical applications in life.Say, for example, there is some sexual activity a guy wants to try and he's not sure his gal will go for it. He figures he'll just mention it in the middle of sex and maybe she'll agree. Mistake. Unlike your male when aroused, before she can agree, she will have to

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111687836394738062011-09-13T10:09:00.000-07:002012-01-02T14:02:27.221-08:00

I was sitting in the doctor's office reading an old Psychology Today. It was that or the fishing magazine. The article talked about this guy, he's a Cambridge researcher named Simon Baron-Cohen. He studies autism and his theory says autism is just an extreme version of your basic male brain. Your male brain, he explains, is all about making systems, while your female brain is about using

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111726249627750212011-09-09T20:50:00.000-07:002012-01-02T13:54:55.247-08:00

So I bought a new pair of shoes. I took a man with me to buy them. It's a test . If he rolls his eyes and asks that question, I know he'll need a lot of training before he's an adequate sexual partner.For what is a shoe, I ask you? You live a post-Freudian world. You know what Cinderella's slipper really was. Why should a girl at Starbucks be any different? Men have their outer-tool-ness. Girls

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111685492647134782011-08-28T09:31:00.000-07:002012-01-02T14:03:00.851-08:00

I know, I know. You missed me. I been right here, but there was a glitch with my personal software and I couldn't post nothing for a while. So I took a trip.I visited my niece in Washington, DC, which you'd think would be so different from Lost Angeles that a girl might not want to go. I mean, here is just about perfect, so why leave the best of all possible cities for a place full of politicians

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111726494667488972011-06-07T20:52:00.000-07:002012-01-02T14:00:30.580-08:00

So it's overcast here in Lost Angeles and no one is moving. The streets are empty. The pools are quiet. The early matinees might as well go back to bed. Nobody's gonna show up for anything before 3, and then only if they have friends visiting from out of town.Your people from other cities with more conventional climates - you know, rain, snow, hail, hurricane - they laugh at us. But think about

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111726043498270692010-09-21T20:47:00.000-07:002012-01-02T13:54:20.577-08:00

So I got my hair cut today - a trim and a poof. Hair on your female is an important indicator of her femininity quotient, the size of hair correlating directly with how important she thinks femininity is in being female.Now there are two ways to measure feminine hair: how long and how big. Your long-hair-type girl places her value on her innocence and/or Mother-Naturalness. Don't bother her with

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111684895788214312010-08-14T09:21:00.000-07:002012-01-02T13:56:50.943-08:00

If you are like most Americans and want to know who to blame for the price of gas, you don't have to look any farther than your own back yard furniture.Your Average American, like maybe you, is not rich. I hate to tell you this, but there is a reason for that. Your Average American picks Cheap over Quality every day. He and she figure that less money for stuff means more money for both of them

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111688345560587782010-08-11T10:18:00.000-07:002012-01-02T13:57:55.089-08:00

I do not like the 'club' cards at the grocery store. For one thing, I do not like to join. I like to be joined.Secondly, they ask for something from me, namely my personal information which they will use to collect information on my buying habits which they can then sell, in exchange for nothin'. I do not give nothin' away for nothin'.You say, Wait! They give you discounts if you sign up for the

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-81140769912904662332009-10-24T12:22:00.000-07:002009-10-24T12:34:25.486-07:00

Everybody's talking like the President is attacking Fox News, when all the White House spokeslady said was that until Fox starts acting like grownup news professionals the Pres is not going to treat them like it just because they own a lot of stations. My nine-year-old nephew is a pro at computer race car driving, but I ain't giving him the keys to the Caddy.The other networks, they're not really

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111685604115478912009-10-19T09:32:00.000-07:002012-01-02T13:48:23.911-08:00

Listening to complaints about your Air America Radio and your MSNBC, it sounds like people think it's just embarrassing for cultured, open-minded people to be so ... so direct. Nobody's making nice and your middle-class types want nice, you know, in that middle-of-the road nice way. The fundamentalist right wing, they love their loud talk radio and tv because that means they only hear their songs

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111687932234772542009-10-18T10:10:00.000-07:002009-10-24T09:00:59.318-07:00

How can it still be news that men are simple? This is why we love them. If I want complex, I go visit my mother. Studies every day come up that shows men's chromosomal lacks when compared to the female. (here and here ). It's fine that science is proving our superiority, but it's always bad taste to be both better than someone else and to brag about it. Hopefully, though, your average male,

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111725685016969482009-07-11T20:40:00.000-07:002009-10-24T09:17:10.240-07:00

Blanche is my dog. She's a puppy and wants all the big grown-up boy dogs to like her. So she goes and wags her tail and licks them and they growl and tell her in so many doggie ways that she's a pest and to get lost. The guy dogs are busy knocking each other around to see who is the top dog, getting ready for the day when a female in season blows by. Now, this is not likely to happen at an LA dog

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11671314.post-1111724027919969932009-03-24T20:09:00.000-07:002009-10-24T08:48:29.312-07:00

My dad used to say "everything is interconnected." It's a fun way of going about your day, trying to figure out, say, how the dog playing with the squeaky toy is related to something that's no fun at all like, oh, health care legislation that everybody is screaming about.The Dog and the Squeaky Toy: Blanche, my dog, pounces ferociously on a stuffed ball with a squeaker inside, then chomps it

Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15289479507895774978noreply@blogger.com2