A Touch of Summer

Hello January 2022 ...

2022-01-01T14:54:00.009+00:00

Well hello there 2022!

So another year has passed us by, just like that, in the blink of an eye, and here we are on 1st January 2022. 

I don't know about you, but after last year, I initially found myself staring at the year ahead with fear, panic, worry and a huge sense of overwhelming-ness. I initially battled with thoughts and feelings of confusion, frustration and sadness that this year had come and would go just as quickly as the last, and I would have to face it and live it without my baby girl. Life is continuing; coming and going, as if she never existed. When all I want is to scream at everything to stop and for me to be with my baby girl forever. In that delivery room, holding - clinging onto her tiny, lifeless body, and nothing else ever happening to me again. 

Those were the initial thoughts and feelings that I had. 

But then I stopped myself. My Spirit cried out to God and I felt Him near instantly. He cradled me in His arms and dried my tears. Told me that He isn't finished with me yet and that He has a good future and plan for me. And because Summer is with Him, she will always be with me too. Doesn't matter that it isn't physically right now. 

I opened my Bible App and the Verse of the Day was Isaiah 43 v 18-19:

How apt. How appropriate. How comforting. How promising. 

Peace washed over me and I began to feel joy, comfort and hope. 

My initial thoughts began to melt away and were replaced with more joy, more comfort and more hope. Leading to excitement, anticipation and awe. 

God knew. He knows. I love that. 

I know that I will still have the initial feelings I had earlier from time to time. But I am no longer afraid of them or overwhelmed by them because I know that overtime, as God continues to work in me and heal me, they will get less and less. 

Although no one can ever know or comprehend why my baby had to die before she was even born, I know that God is still sovereign and that through all of this; He is showing me that He is God.

This year, 2022, is a year of healing, restoration, deliverance, love and hope for me, my family and my household. It is a year full of God's promises and fulfilment and I am expectant and hopeful for what's to come; the "good" and the "bad". 

Happy New Year friends. I pray your year is full of peace, love, blessings and a touch of Summer. ☀️💖

Blogmas Day 25 ~ Happy Christmas Summer

2021-12-25T10:13:00.000+00:00

My dearest Summer,

Today is Christmas Day.

This year would have been our first Christmas with you. We so would have spoilt you crazy. Even though you are not physically with us, we will always be thinking of you and keeping you close. This will still be our first Christmas as your Mummy and Daddy. That thought makes me happy.

Do you want to know what you would have got for Christmas? So many things. Colourful toys and books. Cute little outfits. You definitely would have had a Christmas outfit. Lots of cuddly toys. But you would have had oh so much more love. So many cuddles from us, from your big brother, from your Oma and Opa, from your Great Grandma, from your Nana and Grandad, from your Aunty and Uncle Alsop, and your cousin, from your Aunty Annie from all your other Aunties and Uncles. Baby girl, this Christmas with you would have been just wonderful. You would have brought so much joy.

Instead, you are safe in the arms of Love Himself. That is a great comfort. And that does still bring joy. It really does.

I am glad you are safe. I am glad you are Perfect and with Jesus. Nothing will ever harm you, precious one. You will never know the pain and hurt and disaster we know in this world. No, you will forever know love, peace, joy and perfection.

I promise, I will do all I can to keep you alive and to show everyone you. You are my whole world, my life.

Thank you for enriching my life and making my world a better one.

Merry Christmas, precious Summer. 🌞💖

Blogmas Day 24 ~ A Daily Touch of Summer

2021-12-24T11:00:00.026+00:00

I can't believe today is Day 24 of Blogmas! This is the first time I have ever completed the Blogmas challenge and today will be a very short post. I just want to say thank you to each and every one of you who have been reading this blog over the past 24 days, and allowing me to share my story. I have always wanted to complete the Blogmas challenge and have started it in the past, but never finished it. So after losing Summer, and having so much to write about, this year has been perfect. I will continue to write after this of course, just maybe not every single day.

In light of this being the penultimate day of Blogmas, I wanted to round it off with something I have been thinking about doing moving forward with this blog and with my Social Media, and just with life generally.

I have decided that in whatever I do, whatever I write about, whatever I experience, I will always look for something in my day that I can call a Touch of Summer.

Something that is her. A thought, a thing that happens, anything. Anything that brings joy, love, hope, peace, etc. And I will acknowledge and write about it.

I will also strive to bring a Touch of Summer to other people's lives.

Summer has been my biggest blessing, and I want to share her with the world.

So, from today onwards, I will commit to finding and being A Touch Of Summer. 🌞💖

With Love, Summer

Blogmas Day 23 ~ Talk About Her

2021-12-23T11:00:00.026+00:00

Today I wanted to open up and share why I like to talk about my daughter.

As a bereaved mum, whose baby has died and is therefore, not here, it is so easy to feel like my baby girl will be and is being forgotten.

When it comes to death, people just do not know how to be. It is uncomfortable, I know. And people are often scared that by talking about or mentioning the baby will cause pain and upset.

Well, I want to tell you that actually, when you talk about and mention the name of my baby, you are acknowledging her existence and you are helping me to keep her memory alive. The pain of not talking about and including my baby brings more pain and sadness than talking about her.

Losing a baby is so different compared to losing an older relative or loved one. It is the natural order of things, to say goodbye to adults in our lives. Those people will have lived and will have built memories. When a baby dies, and when a baby is miscarried or still birth, the baby has not had that time to spend making the memories they will have done if they had lived and grown up. That is why it feels that they will be forgotten quicker. Losing a baby is not the natural order. So it is harder to deal with.

I have said this so many times before, just because my baby is dead, does not mean that she is not my baby. Just because she is not here with us, doesn't mean I don't have a daughter or that I am not a Mother. I carried Summer, I gave birth to her, literally - just like any other mum gives birth to their child. I love her just like all the other mum's love their children.

My baby existed. Summer is my daughter.

Please, don't be scared to mention her or talk about her. Doing so brings me more joy and happiness and comfort than you could ever imagine.

Help me to keep the memory of my baby alive. Help me to honour her and remember her.

Summer Dermawan-Alsop 🌞💖

Summer, my sleeping beauty

Blogmas Day 22 ~ A Poem for Summer ~ Safe In The Arms Of Love

2021-12-22T11:00:00.019+00:00

Blogmas Day 21 ~ Facts About Summer

2021-12-21T09:36:00.000+00:00

I love this quote by Zoe Clark Coates. It is about her daughter Darcey, whom she also lost. When I read these words I got thinking about my babies. These words really resonated with me and I got thinking as what my babies would be like, if they had lived.

Both my girls will have been stunners. Both dark haired and olive skinned. They would be full of joy and laughter and love. Both of them living up to their Indonesian name meaning of "Generous". They would be generous with their love, their laughter, their joy, their kindness, their hope.

Summer would have been athletic and musical. She would have loved ice skating, playing sports and she would have learned to play every instrument under the sun. She would love to go swimming and spend time watching the football and golf with her Daddy. Of course she would be a Manchester United supporter - just like him.

She would have loved animals, like me, especially cats. And she would be very close with all three cats - but Audrey in particular. Her and Audrey would have been inseparable.

Summer would have loved to read, and she would be bilingual, as I will have learned myself and brought her up speaking Indonesian as well as English.

Summer's favourite colour will have been orange, and her favourite food will have been Indonesian Noodles.

Of course, her favourite season will have been Summer. She will have loved the sun and the heat and she the Beach will have been one of her favourite places.

She will have had her Daddy's humour, and my temperament.

Summer will have been loved by everyone who came across her, and she would have enriched their lives greatly. She will have been radiant.

I find it easier thinking about what Summer would have been like, because I feel like I knew her more as I carried her longer than I carried Winter. But I do just want to say, that although this blog is dedicated to Summer, both her and Winter are loved deeply and were both wanted. Whatever I write, think and feel about Summer, I also automatically apply to Winter.

I love thinking about what my babies will have been like if they have lived and it brings me joy to know that they are all of that and more, in Heaven.

My babies are loved and treasured. 🌞💖

Blogmas Day 20 ~ What I Long to Tell My Daughter

2021-12-20T09:15:00.000+00:00

Different kind of post today...

There are so many things that I long to do with Summer, that I long to tell her. Although I will not be able to do the things I long to do with her on this side of Heaven, I know I can still tell her things, and I do on a regular basis. Whether I go to see her at the Cemetery or whether I just talk to her, as if she was here. Writing this blog is a way that has helped me to feel like I can tell her things as well as it being for myself, and for others.

I thought I would share a few of the things I long to tell my Summer...

Darling, sweet Summer,

I am sorry that my body could not carry you and keep you safe.

You are the best thing that ever happened to me, and your Daddy.

You have changed my life in ways you could not imagine, and for that I am grateful.

You have brought me closer to my own mum, you have taught me the love of a Mother.

You have brought me and your Daddy closer than ever.

You have given me a new outpouring of love.

I miss you.

I can't wait for the day we are united.

You have brought me back and closer to God.

You blow my mind.

You are my most treasured, valued possession.

You are the best thing I have ever made.

You are the biggest blessing.

You are loved.

Your purpose is greater than any of us could ever imagine and I am excited for what God has instore for us because of you, my Precious one. 🌞💖

Summer and Mummy

Blogmas Day 19 ~ Dealing With The Triggers

2021-12-19T09:30:00.000+00:00

I mentioned yesterday about the Anxiety, Depression and PTSD that has followed the loss of my daughter Summer.

Today I am continuing, in a way, and going to open up about how I deal with and manage some of the triggers I mentioned in yesterday's post.

One of the biggest things that triggers both the Anxiety and the Depression is other pregnant women. Especially those who are close to Summer's Due Date. Now, I won't go into too much depth regarding this, but when you lose a baby, your heart breaks and your brain cannot handle others who look like you should be looking. The problem is, there is literally nothing you can do. People are always going to get pregnant. The feelings this brings hurts. It's raw and it's painful. And you feel so guilty for not feeling happy for those people. You feel you are a bad person. You feel disgusted at yourself. And you spiral. That's exactly what I did. So often I gave in to the anger, the jealousy and the resentment. And then I would hate myself for it.

Has this changed? Yes and No. You see, the thing is, on the surface I was experiencing bitterness and anger, but actually I would never wish what I was going through on anyone. And actually I was so happy that others are pregnant, I was just devastated that I was not. Once I started counselling and my feelings validated and explored with a professional, I have been able to accept that actually it is good and okay to feel happy for others whilst feeling miserable and devastated for myself, and that the two can come hand in hand. And I realised I was more terrified of the same thing happening to others, than feeling anger. Once I allowed myself and was kind to myself for feeling what I felt, I was able to choose to be happy for others. It was liberating. Sure, seeing pregnant people hurts, but it is hopeful. I choose to think that if it can happen for them then it can happen for me one day.

The next trigger, that is actually the biggest one for me still and now, is my work place. The building. The grounds. As I mentioned in my last post, it is where both of my miscarriages started. I remember the exact place, both places, the times, who was around, what was around. I still really struggle to be physically in that building.

At first, I couldn't even make it out the car. I would cry, my body would tense up, I would get hot and sweaty, I wouldn't be able to breathe. I would have full on panic attacks and would not be able to control myself. After several times of deliberate and increasing exposure, I was able to agree to a phase return and get myself back to work.

Last week was my first full week back full time. I am able to control my panic attacks more. I haven't had any bad ones for a few weeks, though I do have a constant stomach ache when I am in the building. As soon as I leave, it goes. My counsellor thinks it is Body Memories - my body remembering the contractions it had in that place and it manifesting in stomach ache whilst I'm there. Although my brain is more controllable than it was, my body is still feeling unsafe.

What has helped has been having a really amazing team to go back to. They are all aware, they are all very kind and understanding and they look after me. If I feel myself losing it or going into a panic, which does happen, I know I have safe places within work, and people that I can go to. And I do.

So, the things that have helped with me managing these triggers is actually being exposed to them. And having the right people around being ready to catch me when I fall. Being patient with me, and although they may not understand, they love on me hard and support me anyway. For them, I am grateful 🌞💖

Blogmas Day 18 ~ Anxiety, Depression and PTSD Following Baby Loss

2021-12-18T11:00:00.074+00:00

This post is quite a hard one to write, and may actually be a difficult read, so I won't be offended if you skip this one. But I do feel it is so important to acknowledge what Baby Loss can do to your mental health, and what it has done to mine.

So often, as especially as Christians, we feel like we have to be strong. We have to be strong because of what we believe.

What I am learning is that actually, I am still a human. And therefore I feel just like every one else, I hurt like everyone else, I get angry and confused - just like everyone else.

Believing in Jesus does not make me immune to the troubles of the world.

Although I do believe that I have Jesus and that it is Him who is walking me through this, that it is His strength in my weakness that is getting me through, I do still want to share and open up about the hit I have taken mentally. To show you that I am human. That I am hurt, that I am broken, just as anyone else would be.

So... since I gave birth and miscarried my beautiful daughter, Summer, I have experienced a fresh new wave of anxiety about life that I have not had before. I have been diagnosed with Depression and PTSD has also been mentioned, though not diagnosed.

The trauma of losing my baby - my babies even - has hit me hard.

Anxiety wise - I am in constant fear that something bad is going to happen. I didn't even realise they way I felt until Rich mentioned some of my behaviours and I talked them through with my Counsellor. Whenever he came home after he had been out, I would follow him around the house and feel the need to constantly be with him. If he went out, I needed him to text me to let me know he had got wherever he was going safely and approximately what time he would be home. If he was late, I would panic. Not because he wasn't home, but because my brain automatically went to the worst case scenario that something terrible had happened.

I would constantly clean and I would not really leave my house unless it was to go to the supermarket, to my Doctors, to my mum and dad's or to my friend Rachel's. Or to go see Summer.

I lost all passion for seeing other people and preferred to be on my own. That way I couldn't get hurt.

My counsellor explained it to me using the analogy of a cave. She said it was like I had gone into survival mode. I lived in this cave and in my cave were a handful of people - Rich, M, Rach, Chris, my Mum and Dad and a few others. Around them, I felt safe. Even if they left my cave and came back, that was okay, because we were together in my cave and that was safe.

Anything outside of my cave was a danger, and I would often have panic attacks. Or I would venture out for a short while, and would come home and cry for hours.

I was fine going to the supermarket and I enjoyed that, or to my mum and dad's but my counsellor explained that they were again, my safe zones, and my housekeeping jobs which, in turn were how I was trying to regain control of my surroundings and things in my life. Cleaning became an obsessive compulsive activity that I needed to do to regain control. And so I would do it, constantly.

The worse thing for my anxiety was work. I didn't realise the extent of this being a trigger until I took Rich to work one day as he was going away on a Residential. As we got closer to the building I started panicking. I told him that I may have to drop him off at the gate as I was feeling that anxious. Initially, I thought it was for one reason, which I will mention in another post, but turns out it wasn't really solely to do with that.

After I dropped him off, it took me longer than normal to get home because of the anxiety I was having. The physical reaction to the place. I couldn't breath. My heart was pounding. I couldn't stop crying. I was shocked as to the extent of anxiety I was experiencing towards even just the grounds of where I work.

After informing my GP and Counsellor, together they helped me explore what the reason was for the place being such a trigger. It was there that both of my miscarriages actually started. It was there that my first miscarriage - the bleeding started, and with Summer, it was where my contractions started, resulting in her miscarriage. My brain just could not cope with the place and my body would go into complete meltdown. I was unable to control it for a long time.

Although I am back at work now, I do still have a lot of anxiety there. I am able to control it more, but it is still there. It will be a long time before it goes and I will write in another post on how I deal with and manage my triggers.

Depression wise - I was diagnosed a few weeks after Summer's funeral. I had thought that after her funeral I would feel better and I would go back to work. That did not happen. I felt worse and I quickly spiralled and things went down hill. I felt so down, so angry, so hopeless and just so bad, I could not pick myself back up. It was a few weeks before I even admitted to Rich how bad it was. I did so many things and said so many things that were completely out of my character, and reflecting now - I can't believe I did. I needed help. Badly. All I wanted was to be with Summer. To be with my daughter. The pain of not being with her was too great. Although I would not say I was suicidal, and I knew I would not do anything to end my own life, I wanted to be with Summer bad enough that I would have welcomed any other means at the time of being with her. I know this is hard to hear and I am sorry, but I just wanted to be honest. I needed help.

When I finally opened up to Rich how bad it was, we talked and I promised him I would see the Doctors as soon as possible, and I did. My doctors were super helpful, so lovely and very supportive. I agreed to medication and they agreed to see me every single week in person until my Counselling officially started. I have been on Sertraline for the past 3 months now and they are helping. I am so grateful for my doctors, as without them, I honestly don't know where I would be now.

PTSD wise - as I mentioned before, I have not been diagnosed with this, however the Doctors have said I have been showing and experiencing symptoms. These are linked to my anxiety and triggers in that area, but also my sleep. For weeks, I was just not sleeping. I would have nightmares every single night where I would basically relive the experience of the miscarriage, from start to finish. I would then be scared to go to sleep and therefore I wouldn't sleep.

Thankfully, as the meds kicked in and as my counselling progressed, I don't suffer from these as much. Maybe once or twice a week I do have the nightmares, but I am sleeping a lot more than I was before.

Although I have come a long way these past few weeks, making it back into work and managing to sleep better, managing my triggers better, I know I still have a long way to go.

Losing my baby has knocked me for six and has majorly impacted my mental health, but I am so grateful to for all my family and friends who have walked through all this with me, and not given up on me. For Rich, for my managers at work, and for my GPs and my Counsellor. 🌞💖

Blogmas Day 17 ~ Summer's Post Mortem Results

2021-12-17T11:00:00.042+00:00

After an extremely long wait, we finally found out the results from our Post Mortem last week. Very much like the wait we had for Summer's funeral, this wait was long and difficult.

They told us right from the start, when they offered us a Post Mortem, that it was highly unlikely that they would find anything. They told us that 9 times out of 10, they do not find anything, but if there was that 1 chance would we want it?

Knowing that we were extremely lucky to have even been offered a PM, as Summer was my second miscarriage, and currently you have to have 3 consecutive losses before investigations are offered, we seized the PM whole heartedly.

Knowing the statistics and the chances of them not finding anything, for the one small chance, it would be worth it, especially for us at the early stage (or amount) of losses. They offered us the PM due to the unusual circumstances surrounding Summer's spontaneous birth and also due to my Didelphic Uterus.

So we authorised a full PM where we gave permission for them to take from every organ that they could and run tests. We also signed over the slides to be kept for further and future research. Both from Summer, and from myself and my placenta. I just felt that should they be able to use us for research and maybe help prevent further losses for people from the research they do with us, then it was worth it.

They told us that PM results usually take 12 weeks to come back, however, with Covid they were waking 13-15 weeks. So we knew we were in for a long wait.

In the end, it was 15 weeks and 2 days by the time our results made it back to the hospital and then it was a further 3 weeks before we were seen last week by a consultant.

So, after such a long wait, last week Rich and I made our way to the hospital where Summer was born to meet with the Consultant.

I was absolutely terrified. We had both said that we kind of hoped that something would be discovered, because that way we would know why our baby died and then we could work with the doctors in future with out future pregnancies. If there was something found, then perhaps things could be done.

I was also of the mindset that I was terrified of them finding something. I did not want anything to have been wrong with my baby girl, and I did not want anything to be wrong with me. I have known the risk of miscarriage and prem labour was always high for me because of my Didelphic Uterus, but I was terrified that if it was my Uterus, that would mean that it was another way in which my body has failed me again. My RA, and now this.

I know, that it is nothing I have done, but having an autoimmune disease does take it's toll mentally, and so having an abnormality with your uterus does the same. It doesn't stop the thoughts that it is my fault, because of my body. I know I have a long journey with this, and it will take me a long time to retrain my brain.

Anyway, the consultant was lovely. She was kind, calming and very empathetic. She talked through our results with us.

Our baby Summer was perfect. The PM found that there was absolutely no problem with her at all. And that she was perfect in every way. Everything had grown and developed as it should have. She was the perfect size. There was no reason why she died.

I was relieved, but also filled with terror. It must be me (even though, I know, I know ... it isn't my fault). And she was very quick to iterate this as well.

She said that the PM showed nothing. And that there was no reason they could see why Summer died. Bitter sweet.

She went on to say that there was not enough evidence to say it was my Didelphic Uterus but that it could have been. They just couldn't say or know for sure. But that it was not my fault.

I cried. So much. Relief that Summer was well and that she was perfect, but sad and angry that my body is the way it is and that although there isn't enough evidence to say it is my body, it could still be.

I know that I have a long journey with Self Esteem and how I feel about my body now, and this journey is underway.

Moving forward, when we are ready to try again, we will be working closely with consultants and midwives with future pregnancies. I will be heavily monitored, checked and scanned, and there are a few options they have said they can offer me. Like a stitch in my cervix and potentially progesterone too.

I am grateful that we had a PM done and that Summer remains perfect, faultless and that this document proves it. I will hold onto it forever. 🌞💖

Summer's Post Mortem Report
Proof that she is Perfect.

Blogmas Day 16 ~ An Ode to Grief

2021-12-16T11:00:00.085+00:00

Since losing Summer, grief has hit our household so hard, neither of us experienced anything like it before.

Grief is a powerful force, and is something that I have learned is now part of my life, and the walk with grief is going to be a lifelong journey.

Many people are aware of and talk about the different stages of grief, but for me, these stages are only part of it, and they suggest that the grief comes to an end.

I personally feel (and hope) that my grief over my loss of Summer never comes to an end. Why? Because grief is birthed out of love.

I'm not saying grief has to be forever crying, wailing, in sorrow etc. Because, as I am learning, and as I will continue to, that is only part of it. And I know time is a healer. Over time, I will learn to control my response to grief, I will be able to accept and live with my grief, rather than it disappear. Because I will always love my daughter. ALWAYS. So I will always grieve for her. Though that will look different as time goes on.

But that's what I want people to know. That it is okay to grieve. It is okay to live with grief. Because yes, grief may be ugly at times, but grief is birthed from love, and love is beautiful. I'd love it for people to come to know this.

Here is a little poem I have written about Grief...

An Ode to Grief

Grief,

my new companion,

my new lifelong friend,

It's okay that you're here

I never want you to end.

You are here because of love,

A way for me to feel close

To the little one,

Whom I will always love the most.

Sometimes it feels like

You have broken my brain

And often I feel like

You're making me insane

But you are here to stay

My new life long friend

You're welcome in my life

Because my love for my baby will never end.

I will learn to live with you,

accept and honour you,

I will let myself feel you,

I will not supress you.

The healing that comes

from giving in to you

Will make me stronger

As true love tends to do

So, Grief,

My valued companion,

My treasured, lifelong friend,

You are welcome here,

Because, just like you,

my love for my Summer will never ever end.

Blogmas Day 15 ~ Summer's Funeral

2021-12-15T11:00:00.089+00:00

Although Summer was born on Friday 23rd July, we were not actually able to bury her and have her funeral until Friday 17th September. It was the longest wait of my life. Very difficult and slow.

Because we had authorised a full Post Mortem on Summer, and she didn't leave Calderdale Hospital for it until Tuesday 27th July, we knew that there would be a wait. But we had signed everything over and granted permission for them to keep the slides they took for future research etc, so that we could get her back as soon as possible so she could be buried as soon as possible.

Unfortunately, the wait was longer than was expected. Nobody expects to have to bury their child, let alone have to wait to be able to do so. The wait was horrible. I knew that the Post Mortem on my baby could potentially reveal any problems, and that ultimately the research they did from myself and Summer could potentially save other babies, and other mum's and dad's in our position in the future, and that's why we ordered a full PM, but boy the wait. I struggled. All we wanted to do was lay our baby to rest.

Eventually, on the 26th August, I got a phone call from the Funeral Director saying that they had collected Summer from Manchester and that she was now with them, and a date could be arranged for her funeral.

Friday 17th September was the next available date at 9.30am at one of the Crematoriums local to us.

We had actually be really lucky to be offered a funded funeral by the Hospital where I delivered Summer, and so we took it, gratefully. They told me that it would mean we wouldn't have full control over Summer's funeral and planning but that I would be involved and oversee the planning. I didn't mind at all because let's face it, no funeral is pleasant and nobody wants to plan one at all - more so your own child's.

The Funeral Directors and the Hospital Chaplaincy that I worked with were all wonderful. I was allowed to go and visit Summer at the FD's as often as I wanted in the run up to the funeral. And so that's exactly what I did.

I know it probably sounds strange, but this was the only time I was ever going to have with my daughter in the same room again. So I took the opportunity with both arms and my whole being, and I went and sat with my daughter several times a week. Yes she was in a gorgeous, little white coffin, but I talked to her, I read to her, I sang to her. Each and every time.

This was special time with my daughter and I would never get this again. I needed it. And I will always think back fondly at that time I was able to spend with her. Doing all the things a Mother should be able to do.

The day of her funeral came, and Rich and I set off early to meet the Funeral Director and the Hospital Chaplain at the Crematorium. We had decided not to invite anyone to the funeral, but to have it just us two. Again, there is something different about burying your own baby. We just wanted this moment to be us and her.

Rich carried her from the cars to the plot and the Minister began the service. I took her some orange roses to mark her spot that she was laid to rest in.

The funeral didn't last long. Maybe about 20 mins, and we had a bit of time saying our goodbyes before we left and allowed the men to fill the grave.

Rich and I had decided that we would spend the rest of the day together and try do something nice. We came home, had another coffee and went for a walk. When we came home, we had some lunch which was a lovely spread delivered to us by our friends Rachel and Chris the night before. And in the afternoon, we went to collect Rich's son.

Summer's funeral, and the lead up to it is a time I will never forget and a time that I will cherish and cling onto for the rest of my life. The time I had with my daughter in the run up to the funeral is my most treasured time and no one will ever take that away from me.

I'd never wish for anyone to have to bury their own child, but I am so grateful for the Funeral Directors and the Hospital Minister who I worked with and who attended Summer's funeral. I'm grateful for the time they allowed me to have with my daughter. I'm grateful for Calderdale Hospital for paying for Summer's funeral, and for all the support we have had from them throughout this journey. I am also extremely grateful for Zoe Clark Coates, founder of Saying Goodbye, who sent me two of her poems to include in Summer's funeral. 🌞💖

Summer in the Chapel of Rest at the Funeral Directors.

Summer's gorgeous little coffin.

Order of Service for Summer's Funeral

"Baby Loss" Poem by Zoe Clark Coates

"Family Tree" Poem by Zoe Clark Coates

Summer's final resting place.

Blogmas Day 14 ~ Keeping Her Close

2021-12-14T11:00:00.072+00:00

Slightly different kind of post today, as will include more visuals than writing for once 😂.

Although I will never ever forget Summer, in the weeks following her passing many people sent lovely gifts and flowers. A lot of these things I have been able to keep and will treasure forever and are a way of me being able to keep Summer close at all times. So I just thought I would share them here.

Orange Roses

Roses have become the flower that I am drawn the most towards when it comes to Summer.
I have a gorgeous outdoor Summer Rose plant outside in the back garden and every month on the 23rd, I always get a bunch of Orange ones to place in our living room, for Summer.

Gorgeous little Wishing Well Keepsakes from some close friends.

Engraved bracelet with Summer's name on it.

Pandora floral ring in memory of Summer,

I wear this ring every single day.

Feather bracelet from another close friend.
I wear this every single day.

Summer's name tattooed on the inside of my ring finger on my right hand.

Summer's actual footprint (shrunk down) with her birth date on my right arm.

Engraved candle holder from my Aunty.

We have this in the centre of our mantle piece and light a tea light in it
every month on the 23rd.

This book was in our 4Louis Memory Box.

When Summer was returned from her Post Mortem to the Funeral Directors, I went
to sit with Summer as often as I was allowed in the run up to her funeral.
Every time I would take this book and read it to her.
Since then, I always carry it around with me in my handbag, everywhere I go.

Keeping Summer close to me at all times is one of the most important things to me, All of these things (and more) have become extremely valuable to me and I will forever treasure them. 🌞💖

Blogmas Day 13 ~ 7 Lessons from Baby Loss

2021-12-13T11:00:00.010+00:00

Losing my baby is the worst thing that I have ever experienced, ever. Although I would say we are still in relatively early days in our new life with baby loss, I have been thinking of a few of the things I have learned so far during these past few months and thought I would share them here.

1) Losing a baby hurls you into a whole new world that you never would have thought existed - but you are not alone.

"The day after my baby died, what shocked me the most was that the sun rose, and the post still slipped through my mail box, and I still got thirsty and the birds still sang, and the traffic lights still changed colour... but my world had stopped, my planet had stopped spinning" ~ Zoe Clark Coates.

This quote just sums up how I felt (and still feel) after Summer died. Life continues, as if my baby doesn't exist. And I am expected to get up and get on.

It's a strange feeling and life to be living, in this state. And to be honest, even now, I still feel like this. I still struggle massively. I'm getting better at hiding it. I'm getting better at just getting on. I'm getting better at looking happy and okay.

And yes, I am those things, but those things are partnered with immense pain, despair, trauma and upset. Constantly. They co-exist. And that is just my new life now.

These feelings, I know, will soften and get less, but they will always co exist.

I know that this new world and way of life for me is made bearable by God. I know that in my weakness, He is strong. And so, I have peace.

I know I am not alone. Despite baby loss being such a taboo subject, and not spoken about as much; I know that there are others who have lost children and with those people, I have a special and unique bond. In our brokenness, together, we become strong.

2) Grief is unpredictable and those around you may feel it's ugly, but grief comes from love, and love is beautiful.

"Grief is like a wild flower, it can erupt from the ground anywhere it chooses, when it blossoms, we must be careful not to step on it. Instead, we honour it's existence and appreciate that love made it bloom" ~Zoe Clark Coates.

I love this quote. So much. These past few months, I have experienced grief like I never have before. In ways that have shocked me, and made those around me uncomfortable. Grief changes us and grief can be ugly, and uncomfortable. But the grief I am feeling is because of the immense and indescribable love that I have for my daughter.

It's uncomfortable when grief hits me out of no where. But supressing it does not bring the healing. Accepting that my grief is birthed for the love I have for Summer, and allowing myself to feel it in that moment. brings healing. I will never stop loving my daughter, and my grief will always be an outburst of that love.

3) My love for my baby is the greatest love.

I never understood the love my mum has for me, until now. Having Summer has changed me. I am still learning and walking through this change, but all I know and can 100% say is that I feel love in a way I have never felt it before. The love a Mother has for her child is life changing. It is raw. It is fierce. It is strong. It is deep. It is immense. It is awesome. It is powerful. The love that Summer has awakened in me is the greatest love.

4) I can handle my triggers better than I think I can.

I'll do a separate post on triggers and anxiety later during this Blogmas period, but one of the things that I have learned, and am still learning now are that "triggers" are like grief. They have been and are springing out of seemingly nowhere, and I am learning what they are on a day to day basis and how to deal with them. But one thing several people have said to me these past few weeks, especially being back at work, is that I am dealing with my triggers better than I think or feel I am.

I wanted to include this one because, when you lose a baby, your whole world is shaken up, turned upside down and poured everywhere. Again, I'll go into more detail about this in a separate post, but for me personally, I lost all confidence in myself and lost all confidence and hope and trust in everything else. So the way I feel I am doing, or how I feel about myself, probably isn't accurate. And having those around me who tell me I am doing well, I find helpful and I know will slowly help me to rewire my brain and become confident again.

5) No matter how often people say they understand, unless they have been through it themselves, they don't - and it is unfair to expect them to.

People are amazing. They really are. I have been incredibly blessed to be surrounded by the people that I have been surrounded by. Everyone has been so kind and caring towards me, so loving and patient. When I have been a wreck, and done things out of character, my nearest and dearest have stuck by me and loved me throughout.

Of course, there have also been people who have bolted. And understandably so. When you lose a baby and when grief becomes part of your life, as I mentioned before, it can get ugly. And people feel uncomfortable.

What I have learned through this is that, no matter how nice people are being, saying they understand and it's okay to feel the way you do, the truth is - unless they have been through this themselves, they do not understand.

And it is a good thing that they do not understand. They are lucky that they do not understand. And it is okay that they do not understand.

Just the fact that they are there, loving hard on you, walking with you and sticking by you is one of the greatest gifts. They will be feeling uncomfortable. They won't know how to help. But that's okay. They are still there. And that is beautiful.

I'm so grateful for those in my life who do not understand and who have yet stuck by me and walked this journey with me.

6) Counselling and talking about my baby helps.

I have been lucky enough to have 4 counselling sessions with a group called The Ladder Group (through my work) in the interim before my counselling with Talk Thru (a Specialist Baby Loss Charity in Huddersfield) starts next week.

Although it has only been 4 sessions, these sessions have helped me immensely. Just being able to say whatever I needed to say, no matter how unpleasant, has helped me to start my healing process.

Talking about Summer and mentioning her name helps me to keep her memory alive and helps me to feel like she will not be forgotten.

Losing a baby is different to losing an older or living relative. My baby has not had the time anyone living has had to make memories or live life. Because of this, it does feel that she will be forgotten quicker and easier.

I can't let that happen. Summer existed. She was loved. She was real. She is my daughter. I will always talk about her.

7) My baby may have died, but I am still a Mother, and I still have a purpose.

I may not have my living baby to care for and bring up, but I am still a Mother. I carried my baby, and I gave birth to her. I loved her and will forever love her. She is still my daughter.

I know my walk through Baby Loss is still in it's early stages and that I have lots more to learn but I hope that this post helps someone, whether you have been through baby loss yourself or whether you are supporting someone who has been. 🌞💖

Blogmas Day 12 ~ Benjamin and Jack

2021-12-12T11:00:00.019+00:00

I'd like to dedicate today's post to two other angel babies who are a massive part of mine and Summer's story.

Benjamin and Jack. Two gorgeous baby boys who, like Summer, ran on ahead of us into Heaven. Two gorgeous boys whose mummies I have connected with and now how a special bond with and a treasured friendship. Both of these lovely mummies have given me permission to write about their boys and share them because they really are a massive part of our story and I love these boys dearly.

Benjamin belongs to my friend Ruby, whom I connected with from the Tommy's Baby Loss Facebook Page. Ruby doesn't live too far from me, so I have had the pleasure and honour of meeting her and spending a bit of time with her.

Benjamin is her baby boy who was born a few weeks before Summer due to the difficult decision Ruby and her partner had to make of having a TFMR. Poor Benjamin was not very well at all and his mummy and daddy were told that it was very unlikely that he would survive outside the womb and there was lots of things wrong. I could not imagine the pain Ruby and Richard felt having to make that difficult decision, but I love and respect their bravery to do what was right for their baby boy and in turn for them to give him to be Summer's friend.

Jack belongs to my other friend Rachel, whom I connected with in the same way as with Ruby. Due to Rachel and myself living quite far away from each other, I haven't yet been able to meet her properly and spend time with her, but we are in contact regularly and are able to support each other that way. I do hope that one day, our paths will cross but until then, whatsapp is sufficient.

So Jack was born early, again a few weeks before Summer, due to an "incompetent cervix". It feels so strange writing that - I am not calling Rachel's cervix incompetent, it's just that is what the actual reason is called, and again, Rachel has given me permission to mention this. Although I am yet to learn about this condition, I completely understand the feelings of pain and loss, hurt and confusion that Rachel has experienced, and I love and respect and honour her for her bravery. Again, just as with Ruby, I feel Rachel and I are specially connected because of our experiences and because of our children.

Jack and Benjamin are a huge part of my journey with Summer and I always think about the three of them up in Heaven together (and with Winter and all the other babies of course) but the main image I have in my head when I think about them is the three of them together. Summer in the middle and Jack and Benjamin either side. They are babies most of the time. Beautiful, cute, smiling babies. Looking at us and laughing that cute baby laugh, gurgling and making cute noises. And the way they are with each other, it is the cutest thing. They love each other. They are happy.

Sometimes, they are toddlers, and sometimes they are children. Again, Summer in the middle, Jack and Benjamin either side. Always smiling, always laughing. It is my favourite thought to think of and dwell on and brings so much peace and comfort.

.................................................................

To Jack and Benjamin,

Sweet boys, you are wonderful. You are incredibly special and so loved. I know very much by your mummies, but also very much by me and Summer.

Look after my baby girl up there. I know that one day we will meet and, oh, what a joyous day that will be.

Love you so much gorgeous boys. ☀️💖💙💙

Foot and Hand Print Necklace in memory
of Jack

Star in Memory of Benjamin

Blogmas Day 11 ~ Winter's Story

2021-12-11T11:00:00.022+00:00

For those of do not know, Summer actually has a sibling. Although this blog is dedicated and in memory of Summer, I do not want to not acknowledge, honour or talk about first baby who I lost at 6 weeks gestation - whom I later went on to name Winter.

Just because 6 weeks is such an early gestation, and different people will feel and believe differently as to whether or not this is a baby at this early stage - for me personally, the second of conception is a baby. I know it isn't the case for others, and I am not entertaining this debate here, but for me, this is how it is.

We planned for this baby and we wanted this baby. The minute we found out we were pregnant, we were thrilled. So no matter the development of this baby - she was and is my baby.

This baby was my first experience of being pregnant, and was my first experience of baby loss. We only knew about her for a week before the bleeding began, and she passed. I refer to her as she now because, although we did not know the gender (as at 6 weeks you don't) I just feel like, and when I think of her, she is a she.

I don't have as much to share about Winter than I do about Summer, other than to continue to talk about her and to acknowledge her and to also keep her alive.

I am rather ashamed to say that after losing her, I let myself cry all weekend and then I refused to think about it and forced myself to continue. I guess you could say I went into denial. Then getting pregnant with Summer helped me to continue and not to think or dwell on my lost baby. For that, I feel terrible.

It wasn't until losing Summer at such a late gestation that I became more aware and knowledgeable of Baby Loss and all that comes with it. One of the things that my eyes were open to was the memory that I had actually lost another child before Summer. And then it all hit me. I wasn't just grieving Summer. I have spent the past few months grieving my other baby too, as well as Summer.

From reading books by Zoe Clark-Coates, I came to the realisation that although my first baby was only 6 weeks gestation, she was still my baby. I stopped letting myself use language like "only 6 weeks gestation" because, like Zoe, I really believe that my baby is still my baby. She still existed and she still matters. She was still wanted and she is still loved. Very much.

Reading Zoe's books have helped me to heal (and continue to help me to heal) and validate my feelings of pain, confusion, frustration, They have have helped me to stop caring what others may think about me and how I act, or what I say during my grief and about my babies and have helped me to acknowledge and honour my babies in a way that my heart desires.

In the end, I decided to name our first child and because we didn't know the gender, I picked a gender neutral name that I felt fitted with Summer. So I called her Winter.

Although that is literally all I have to share about Winter, she will forever be my first born, my precious and loved baby and Summer's sister. I love to dwell on the image of them both together in Heaven in the arms of Jesus. Safe, whole, perfect and loved. And I know that one day I will be with them again.

Snowflake Tattoo in memory of Winter
(sadly the only thing I have in memory
of her)

Candles lit for both my babies during
Baby Loss Awareness Week
2021

Blogmas Day 10 ~ My Pregnancy with Summer

2021-12-10T11:00:00.083+00:00

Rich, Me, Bushra and Summer Bump

My pregnancy with Summer is a part of my life that I will look back on, remember and cling onto for the rest of my life.

Although my pregnancy ended in my second trimester, I thought I would share my experience of being pregnant. After all - I was still pregnant.

So shortly after losing my first baby at 6 weeks, back in February, we found out we got pregnant again very very quickly. I believe it was within a week, by the time I did a pregnancy test and did the maths. I think the first pregnancy test I did flashed up and said 2+ weeks on the little window. I remember feeling a mixture of emotions. Extremely happy and excited, but also shocked and terrified. Again, although we had tried again, we did not expect it to be so quick. I was elated because we really wanted a baby, but I was terrified and nervous because I had just lost one and I was anxious that we would have to go through it again.

I told Rich and we decided not to get our hopes up.

A week later, I took another pregnancy test to check and the little message on the window said 3+ weeks. I waiting another week and did another. Again, it flashed up 3+ weeks. I was definitely pregnant.

I really wanted to tell people and share our news, but Rich was hesitant because of our miscarriage and wanted to wait until well after 12 weeks. I understood this, I did, but I couldn't help myself (sorry Rich).

I rang my GP and he called the EPU and managed to get me booked in for a scan to confirm the pregnancy. He sorted this all out as he was aware I had recently had a miscarriage and said we would not take any chances and I'll get seen relatively quickly. I did.

I went for a scan and from what I had worked out, I estimated I was 5 weeks + some. At the scan, the sound of a heartbeat filled my ears and warmed my heart. The sonographer confirmed the pregnancy and showed me the screen. There she was, albeit we didn't know her gender at that stage. I cried. This was the first time I saw and heard my baby. And the feeling was the best feeling in the entire world, especially after the sound of silence just a few weeks before.

When I asked if I was around 5 weeks, the sonographer looked at her screen and told me the scan was estimating I was 7 weeks + some. I was relieved. I had made it past the last milestone point at which I had lost my first baby.

Summer at 7 weeks

I felt good. Surely this was it. This was the baby we were going to come home with, love and raise for the rest of our lives.

At 9 weeks I had another scan, because I was bleeding. This caused a little bot of panic and fear of another miscarriage, but I had been told that I would probably bleed throughout my pregnancy because my other Uterus would likely continue it's monthly cycle.

Thankfully, the scan showed that everything was okay with my baby, who was in my right uterus, and that yes, lefty was having it's period. Relief. Joy, then excited and awe.

I was so excited and on the screen you could see little paddles forming at each side. The sonographer said those were the start of her arms developing and you could even see them moving. I was in fascinated. I was in love. My little paddling baby.

Summer at 9 weeks

As the weeks went by, I began to experience some of the usual pregnancy symptoms. I became incredibly picky with my food; went completely off chicken, never knew what I wanted to eat until it was put in front of me and then I didn't want it, I became sensitive to smell - not being able to stand the smell of my own favourite perfume. I felt nauseous literally all the time - thankfully I was never actually sick - and the only things that seemed to help were Ginger Biscuits, Werther's Originals, Sprite and Cherry-ade. I was obsessed with all of those things. Oh. and also Tomato Puree. That was probably my strangest craving. I would have it on literally anything I could. I would also sleep ALL the time during my first trimester. I would get up, go to work, come home and nap, wake up for my tea and go to bed again. Then do it all again the next day.

We reached the 12 week milestone and I was relieved. Though I still had the knowledge that because of my Didelphic Uterus, I was still at risk of Miscarriage and Premature Birth. These things scared me and caused me a bit of stress and anxiety but I would try not to let my mind dwell on those thoughts. I was just so happy to have reached the end of the first trimester, In my second trimester, I started to experience itchiness, in particular my hands and feet and for a week or so, my breasts. All the other symptoms I had in my first trimester regarding food and smell continued, but the nausea stopped.

I had my 12 weeks scan at 13 weeks and everything was well. The sonographers, the consultants and the midwives were extremely happy with how my baby was developing and growing and booked to see me again at 20 weeks, where they said that they could give a prediction of the gender if we wanted to know.

Summer at 12 weeks

I definitely wanted to know. And the thought of waiting 7 weeks was too long. A week after our 12 week scan, we invited my mum and dad round for lunch in the garden, so that we could tell them we were pregnant. We were a bit nervous to tell them but they were so happy for us when we did. My mum said she would get us a Private Scan and so I booked one at 16 weeks and went with my Mum, Dad and Nana to find out the gender of our little one. Rich didn't come because we had his son that weekend and we had agreed that we would wait a few more weeks to tell him just in case anything happened. But Rich all along had said that we were having a girl.

Turns out he was right! At the gender scan, the sonographer showed us on the big screen everything she could see. At first I held my breath because I was anxious that we wouldn't hear a heartbeat and that she would find something wrong. She didn't and the sound of my baby's heartbeat filled the room. It was music to my ears. There she was, alive and well. And kicking!

Summer at 16 weeks (Gender Scan)

The sonographer showed us around and confirmed there was not a pregnancy in my left uterus, and that the right one that Summer was is was expanding and growing well. She said everything looked perfect and went on to ask if we wanted to know the gender. She confirmed Rich's gut instinct. We were going to have a little girl!

Summer was perfectly developed. The sonographer showed us and took pictures on her feet, he side profiles and even switched the scan to 4D mode to see if we could see her facial features yet. Every time she flicked it to 4D mode, we saw my baby's face briefly. Her closed eyes, her perfect nose and little mouth. She was beautiful. However, she wasn't having any of it and kept putting her arms up in front of her face, as if to hide herself from the camera. It was so funny, and very cute.

The sonographer then kept the scan in 2D mode and my baby girl was wriggling around and kicking like there was no tomorrow. I asked if it was unusual that I could not feel any movement or kicking and the sonographer informed me that my placenta was attached to the front wall of my uterus (Anterior Placenta) and therefore I probably would not feel any movement until later on in the pregnancy when baby is much bigger.

Summer at 16 weeks kicking Mummy

I was so happy and I will treasure the memories of being in that scanning room, seeing my bay girl forever.

My next scan with the hospital we were at and my consultation with my midwife and consultant was to be at 20 weeks. So it wasn't too long in between the scans, and it quickly came round.

I went to Barnsley Women's Centre and had my whooping cough vaccine and my 20 week scan. Again, I saw my baby and heard her strong heartbeat. The sonographers there asked if I wanted to know the gender and I told them that I did want them to tell me because, although I knew, I was curious to see if they would confirm or if there was anyway the Gender Scan has been wrong. It hadn't and they confirmed I was having a little girl.

Summer at 20 weeks

The midwife popped her head in and said that because everything was looking so perfect and absolutely fine, the consultant did not need to see me in clinic and he would see me again at 28 weeks, for a consultation, and then my regular, 4 weekly scans would commence and continue for the remainder of my pregnancy.

I left the hospital that day feeling beyond excited, happy and relieved.

Little did I know that just a week + some days later, my pregnancy would end.

Although I did not really enjoy my first trimester of pregnancy, because of the nausea, the exhaustion and the way my body changed, after the way my pregnancy ended, I wholeheartedly feel that I would go through it all again and worse (as in pregnancy symptoms) if it meant that I was pregnant and going to have and bring home my living, healthy baby. I miss being pregnant so much and look forward to the day I am again. 🌞💖

Summer at 7 weeks, 9 weeks and 12 weeks

Summer at 21 weeks and 2 days

Blogmas Day 9 ~ My Body Abnormality

2021-12-09T11:00:00.101+00:00

I apologies in advance about the content of today's post. It's probably a strange topic to blog about but I feel like I'm going to bite the bullet anyway and open up about it because a) it's part of my story and b) it's not talked about or known about as much as it probably should be.

So, when I had my first miscarriage, back in February, I was told to go to the EPU at Calderdale Royal Hospital for a scan to confirm and to have a look what was what. I started bleeding on the Friday and the earliest time the could get me in was the following Monday, so it wasn't too bad. I continued to bleed over the weekend and so I spent the weekend crying. By the time Monday came, I knew the outcome of the scan. I knew that my baby had died and I will tell her story in another post.

My scan appointment came and sure enough, the sonographer expressed her condolences and confirmed that she could not see a pregnancy, nor hear a heartbeat but that the lining of my uterus was inflamed; suggesting that I had miscarried.

Her next words are words, and the manner if which they were said are ones that I will never forget (and not necessarily in a negative way - she was so lovely). So she expressed her condolences; confirming there was evidence of a miscarriage, then after a pause, she turned to me and said "Can I just ask, did you know you have two uteruses?"

I looked at her, stunned. "Excuse me? Can you repeat the question?" was my response. All I could do was just look at her in disbelief.

She asked me again and I looked at her a bit confused, but also embarrassed, and also part of me wanted to laugh. What on earth was going on! I didn't even know it was a thing and all I could think was "Do I look like I knew I had 2 uteruses?"

Anyway, she explained to me that actually yes, it is a thing, and she showed turned the screen towards me again so I could see. She explained that there is something known a Uterine Didelphys (or Didelphic Uterus, and that there were a few different types.

She told me that she had heard of women having this abnormality before but I was the first one she had seen and would I mind if she did an internal scan to see in more depth and detail. I was absolutely stunned and curious and so of course didn't mind. I know I knew I had lost my baby and I had grieved all weekend, but this news that I had an abnormality in my uterus meaning I essentially had 2 just completely overwhelmed me.

She said that she would inform the Nurse on duty and that it would be her who would go through things in more detail with me and what it would all mean. I was lead back to the waiting room where I waited to be called in for my consultation with the nurse.

I remember, I think my friend Sarah ended up texting Rich to inform him of what the sonographer had found and his mind was blown, as was mine. Poor Rich; not only did he have a partner with an autoimmune disease, but he now also had a partner with an extra body part!

After a little wait, the nurse finally called me in to go through what the sonographer had found. I had so many questions. What on earth is a didephic uterus? Why do I have one? What does that mean for any future pregnancies? etc.

The nurse was so lovely, starting off by acknowledging the loss of my baby and then started answering my questions.

She told me that this is a "rare" condition, but in a sense that that is what the statistics show. She said there will actually be more women who have it, they just; like me, will not know about it because unless they have been for a scan etc, there would be no way of knowing. She that was kind of reassuring.

She explained that it was something that I will have been born with and will have had my whole life and that there are a few different types and different names. I think on of the names for it is Bicornate Uterus.

Anyway, the type that I have she referred to as Didephic Uterus and is where my uterus is shaped a bit like a heart, and has a part going down the middle; splitting it into 2 separate parts. Again, the type that I have is where I have just one cervix, which was a relief to me, as I was shocked to find out that there's types where women can have 2!

The nurse explained that because I have 2 uterus "chambers" - if you like - that I would need to be careful if not on birth control because it is possible for me to get pregnant in both side and have 2 separate pregnancies. She said there have been cases she has read about where women have had a baby, and then a few weeks later had another because the didn't know they were pregnant in the other side. I have no idea how that would not have been picked up on on scans but you know, that's just what she told me.

When I asked her what this would mean for future pregnancies and if this would affect my fertility, she informed me that it looked like I was very fertile and when they looked internally, they did not find anything that was concerning in anyway and that both my uteruses looked very healthy and looked to me functioning as they should. However, she did say that this abnormality does increase my risk of both Premature Labour and birth, and also Miscarriage. She explained that, as with every pregnancy, the risk of miscarriage does decrease after the first trimester, but because of my Didelphic Uterus, I will continue to be at risk of miscarriage throughout my second trimester) which I now know is classed as Late Miscarriage pre 24 weeks. Anything after 24 weeks is classed as Still Birth.

This news was hard to hear, however she did tell me that there are plenty of women with my condition who have gone on to have multiple successful pregnancies. When I told some of my closest friends, they too told me that they knew people personally with the same thing, and again who have gone on to have multiple healthy pregnancies and children. So that does give me hope.

Finally, the nurse explained to me that when I get pregnant again, I will be under a consultant (I was already because I have Rheumatoid Arthritis) and that I will be scanned and checked more regularly; especially in the third trimester. I asked if getting pregnant and carrying a baby to full term would damage my uterus and in turn affect my ability to have more children. She said that it doesn't and that as the baby grows in on of my wombs, the womb expands as normal and the other one just gets squashed, but no damage should be done, however she said that there would be a high possibility of having a C- Section. She said a natural birth is not impossible, but the consultant will probably just make me aware that we may need to be open to a planned C-Section. I had zero problem with that.

The final thing they mentioned to me was that there was a chance that I would probably still bleed throughout my pregnancy because one of my uteruses would still have a period until it gets too small as a pregnancy in the other grows. That is exactly what happened with Summer and because I still experienced bleeding, I had to be scanned every time to make sure she was fine and that I wasn't starting to miscarry.

When I got pregnant with Summer, the scans showed her in the chamber on my right side, and from then on I referred to my uteruses as Righty and Lefty 😂. Sure enough, I did bleed on a cycle and was constantly in the EPU in my first trimester every few weeks. Lefty would have it's monthly! I actually stopped with Lefty's monthlies around 16/17 weeks I reckon.

Summer was absolutely fine, until things changed literally over a few hours when she was 21 weeks and 1 day. We are still waiting for our Post Mortem Results and I am really hoping that if there is a reason, it is not because of my Didelphic Uterus. But I will keep you all posted on that.

Again, I will say that I do believe there is hope, as there are women with the same thing who have their children alive, safe and well.

I hope that one day soon, I am one of those women 🌞💖

Blogmas Day 8 ~ Perfection

2021-12-08T11:00:00.000+00:00

As the time has gone by since my baby girl Summer died, I have experienced a whole new wave of emotions. Emotions that I did not even know existed to the extent that I have felt them. They have been up and down, positive and negative, but one of the most awesome feelings that I have to come feel is that of Peace. Complete Peace and immense Pride.

Why?

Because my baby is Perfect. Literally.

I know all mothers and fathers think the world of their children and will always say how their baby couldn't be more perfect. And rightly so. I understand that feeling. I understand with why, as parents, we say and feel that.

But for me, this thought and experience has taken me to a whole new level regarding the meaning of perfection.

As a Christian, and as a human, no matter how often we say and believe our children are "perfect", we know that they are not. They do things that they shouldn't do (as humans we all do), they say things that we would rather they didn't etc. As humans that is what we do. Because we are humans, living humans, we can never fit the true definition of perfect. As the well known saying goes (despite what parents think of their children) "No one is perfect".

But, oh! Summer is. Summer really IS perfect. She is literally the definition of perfection. Summer may not have taken a breath outside of my womb, and this is devastating, of course. But what is beautiful about this is that she is therefore perfect.

Summer is "free from fault or defect". She is "flawless". In ever single way. Because she never took a breath outside of my womb, Summer has never done anything wrong. She has never said nor thought not experienced anything bad or negative or wrong. Nothing has happened to her that causes her body and her soul to be tainted and therefore not perfect.

Many new born babies are like this of course, but then we grow up and live. And imperfection seeps in.

The most amazing and wonderful thought about Summer is that, yes she is dead, yes she is in Heaven, but she will REMAIN PERFECT. She will ALWAYS be perfect.

This thought really does blow my mind - in the best way. And when I say I am the proudest mother in the entire world, I really mean it. I'm not saying it as a cliche or because that's what all mum's say and feel (and again rightly so). I'm saying it because I mean it 100%, because it is 100% true. I am the proudest mother in the entire world and I am beyond grateful and honoured that God ordained for myself and Rich to be the ones to make something so perfect.

My baby girl; Summer Dermawan-Alsop, is literally Perfect. 🌞💖

Perfection, literally.

Blogmas Day 7 - Charities That Support Those Going Through Baby Loss

2021-12-07T11:00:00.079+00:00

I've mentioned in previous posts how losing Summer has hurled me into a whole new world. This world has introduced me to a few charities that support and specialise in Baby Loss and Bereavement, with a couple of them now being a massive part of my life.

The first one I would like to mention and talk about is Saying Goodbye, which is part of the Mariposa Trust.

The Mariposa Trust is the umbrella charity; with Saying Goodbye being the primary division (out of 6) and is the one that is the closest to my heart, having become such an important charity to me personally. It was founded and set up by a wonderful lady and her husband; Zoe and Andy Clark-Coates who have themselves experienced several baby losses.

I love how they have used their experience to support and guide others, and now provide this global charity supporting and walking with those going through the loss of a baby or child and all that it brings.

For me personally, this charity means so much today because of the personal support I have had from Zoe. Her words, her books and her personal support. I am so grateful for her and for everything this charity does and offers.

The next charity I would like to mention is called 4Louis. This is a UK Charity working across the country supporting anyone affected by baby loss; like Saying Goodbye, whether this be miscarriage, still birth and the death of a baby or child.

$Louis was founded in 2009 by Louis' family who discovered that there was very little access to support following Louis' stillbirth and it is from this charity that we received our own Memory Box for Summer. This charity means a lot to me because of that Memory Box. It is now one of my most prized possessions and brings great comfort to me and helps me to think about my Summer and treasure the items inside it. It is that valuable and means that much to me that Rich and I have made the decision to donate a few 4Louis Memory Boxes ourselves throughout the year; starting at Christmas this year. If we can contribute to another family being comforted in the same way by this charity and this box as we were, then we will.

Finally, I will just mention these last 2 charities that again, have been a part of my journey and have been a support to me in some way.

These are Tommy's and Sands. Both of these are huge baby loss charities in the UK, again providing support to those experiencing loss, providing research and working hard to provide more support, the support that is needed; rather than the support that is currently provided.

Although Saying Goodbye and 4Louis are the main 2 that are closest to my heart, all 4 of these charities that I have mentioned I am extremely grateful for and don't know where I would be without.

I know there will be many more out there, but it is these 4 that are the ones where I have managed to get the support that I have needed from primarily.

I will post links to all their websites below and you can also find all of them on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

🌞💖

https://www.mariposatrust.org/

https://www.sayinggoodbye.org/

https://4louis.co.uk/

https://www.tommys.org/

https://www.sands.org.uk/

https://www.sayinggoodbye.org/

https://www.tommys.org/

https://www.mariposatrust.org/

https://4louis.co.uk/

https://www.sands.org.uk/

Blogmas Day 6 ~ Audrey and Summer

2021-12-06T16:00:00.060+00:00

Okay, so something most people know about me is that I am that Crazy Cat Lady. And guess what, I'm not even ashamed.

I have 3 cats, Navy, Alby and Audrey - Audrey being our youngest and the only girl. Being the only girl in our household (outnumbered by Rich, the step boy, Navy and Alby, who are all boys), I was very happy to have another girl in our family - even if she was a cat. When we found out we were having a girl, I was again, happy that again, the girls were growing in Casa Alsop-awan.

As much as I love all my cats, Audrey is somewhat amazing. I don't care what people say, cats really are clever creatures.

When I was pregnant with Summer and my bump started to show, little Audrey loved to sleep on and around my belly. She was always cuddly and affectionate generally, but she took a particular liking to my bump and whenever I was sat or laid on the sofa or in bed, she came and laid on me. I loved it. It felt like she knew and was bonding and protecting my baby.

After I lost Summer, when we got back from the hospital after, after 2 nights away from the cats, I laid down on the sofa crying. Audrey came in the room, looked at me and jumped onto the sofa and sat next to me. She looked at me, looked at my tummy (which was no longer a bump), looked back at me, then back at my stomach. She started to paw at it and after a few seconds, she started mewing, continuing to paw at my stomach. It was like she was crying. She knew.

After crying for a little bit, she climbed up onto my belly and curled up to fall asleep. It was the cutest thing but also broke my heart even more.

Even my cat grieved for my baby girl.

Since then, Audrey has been one of the best comforts to me and I couldn't be more grateful to have her. I know that Summer would have loved all three of my cats, had she lived, but her and little Audrey will have been very close. Cats really are amazing. 🌞💖

Audrey cuddling up to Summer Bump

Audrey protecting little Summer

Audrey and Summer Scan Photos

Blogmas Day 5 ~ Journey to Pregnancy

2021-12-05T11:00:00.009+00:00

Today I thought I would share my journey to pregnancy because, as you will find out over this Blogmas period, my pregnancy story is part of Summer's story, but also there is a much bigger picture here that even we don't understand or see fully yet, as we are yet to hold our living children in our arms and bring them up. As I have mentioned in previous posts, the purpose of me sharing these things is that hopefully someone else will be able to identify with me and my story and experience may be able to help others, and to also educate and help those who will end up supporting those around them going through Baby Loss too.

So, with all that in mind, I will say that my journey to pregnancy has been "difficult" in a sense that I do not have any of my babies alive and home with us. I am yet to see that result come into fruition. And I believe that it will. It just so happens that so far, for reasons I will never fully understand or accept as fair, my journey to pregnancy has not had a "successful" nor happy ending. However, my journey to "pregnancy" was actually physically easier that the result and outcome.

A bit of back ground about me... I am currently 29 and got pregnant with our first baby at 28. Our babies were both planned and wanted on our part and the getting pregnant itself was easier and much quicker than we anticipated.

The reason it was easier and quicker than anticipated was because, since 2016, I have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called Rheumatoid Arthritis. Because of this, I have been on medication and the first lot of medication I was on (for 5 years ish) was a drug called Methotrexate. Now, before they put me on this back when I was 23, they asked me if I wanted children and my response was no, at that point in my life - I did not. They told me that if I did, I would have to plan in advance and work with the Doctors and Rheumatologists because I would have to come off Metho (no, not Meth 😜) as it is not a safe drug for pregnancies. They said that we would have to give it time to get out of my system before starting to try to make sure there would be no risk at all to any baby, would need to see how my body was without meds and if it wasn't would need to put me on another drug to treat my RA that would be safe for pregnancies. Of course, at the time, I didn't have a problem with any of that but I was grateful they made me aware of what would need to happen if I changed my mind.

Well, when I met Rich and after we had been together a while, of course - things changed. Because I was already aware of the process, I think I actually opened up to Rich about it earlier in our relationship that I would have normally. But thankfully it didn't scare him off and we both knew we were going to have a family together. So he was very open to me speaking to my Rheumy and getting things in motion.

Because of the potential prolonged timeline that we were aware we could face, I came off my methotrexate in 2007. It turned out that my body was not okay with no medication and within a few months my RA was rampage and I ended up having to get in touch about finding a medication that would work for me and be safe for us to start trying for a baby.

I was put on a drug called Certolizumab Pegol (Cimzia), which is a biologic injection that I have to administer every other week. This very quickly started working and gave my my life back and was clear was working. So around November/December 2020, I came off my contraceptive pill and in January 2021 we started trying for a baby, expecting it could take even up to a year, as that was what I was prepared for from the worst case scenarios from discussions with my Rheumys and Doctors. Of course, they had told us it could happen straight away, but we didn't want to take any chances and mentally prepared for long term.

Well. We got pregnant literally straight away. This was with our first baby, whom I later named Winter. As you can imagine and expect, we were delighted. Over the moon. Unfortunately, our joy was short lived, and I lost Winter at 6 weeks. I have actually written a separate post dedicated to Winter and have scheduled it to be posted on the 11th Dec).

Following the loss of Winter, we decided we would try again, and again, to our shock and amazement, we got pregnant straight away. Within a week or so. This time, with Summer.

As I was still following my Doctor's advice from losing Winter and still taking pregnancy tests every few weeks (due to another reason - my didelphic uterus - which I will go into more detail in another post), we found out about our new pregnancy relatively quickly and again, due to my body and circumstance, I was referred to the Early Pregnancy Unit straight away to be scanned in order to confirm a pregnancy.

Well, there she was. A strong heart beat and clear as day on the screen. Our baby. I believe that after a loss, they are referred to as Rainbow babies. There she was, our little miracle.

Despite this pregnancy resulting in a tragedy, and loss, like our first, I still love my story. Though we do not have our Rainbow Baby yet in our arms, I still want to continue sharing my story. Not because it's morbid, sad, and not because I want attention. Far from it. I want to share my story to bring hope. To be open and to educate (as mentioned before). I want to share my story because my babies are still real. They are loved. They are treasured. And they are a part of me.

Although my babies are in Heaven, although my heart hurts, I am grateful that I have them. I am grateful for my pregnancy story and my journey, and I know it is not over yet. 🌞💖

Blogmas Day 4 ~ Helpful Books for Those Walking Through Baby Loss

2021-12-04T14:29:00.000+00:00

So my most recent, late miscarriage is not the first miscarriage I have had this year. It is my first "late" one, but it is not my first.

February 2021 is the first time I experienced a miscarriage and although falling pregnant with Summer pretty much straight away, I had been plunged into this whole new world. Though I did not enter it fully back then, and did not even fully accept it until I was thrown deep into it when I lost Summer, I was still slightly aware of certain things.

Losing Summer was what emerged me deeper into this new world, this new life and into exploring and researching and learning more - because I had to.

A massive part of my learning, and healing has come from reading. So I thought I would dedicate today's post to sharing the books that are always within arms reach and have been and still am a massive help to me.

Saying Goodbye by Zoe Clark Coates.

This book was the first book I bought as soon as I could. I was already aware of Zoe and of the charity she set up with her husband (I will write about this in another post), but knowing her story and reading it in more detail from this book has really helped me. She gets it. She shares her own story of baby loss and how she walked through her grief. She completely validates all the feelings I had an through this book encouraged me to acknowledge and accept my first loss, and to even name our first baby, despite the gestation. She also provides a 90 days of support, filled with reflections, encouragement, empathy, comfort and advice. Without her and her words, I honestly don't know where I would be now.

The Baby Loss Guide by Zoe Clark Coates

This book has been, again, another one that I have within arms reach. Here, Zoe Clark Coates again provides a supporting guide to help us walk through our grief and also gives us hope for our future. Again she shares her story and explores the taboo subject of baby loss, this time with a 60 days of practical support. I often use this book alongside Saying Goodbye.

Pregnancy After Loss by Zoe Clark Coates

I haven't actually read this one properly yet but I got it in preparation of the future, for when Rich and I decide to try again for another baby. I know that, like Zoe and so many others, with my next pregnancy there will be a lot of stress and anxiety, purely based on the experiences of my first two. Knowing that Zoe, again, shares her story and has already walked that road, this book, I know, will be of a massive comfort to me in the future.

Silent Cries by Jonny and Joanna Ivey

This book was actually sent to me by a friend back in Chester. It is her sister in law's (I think) or brother in law's - either way, a close relative of hers story and experience. As Christians, also having walked this journey and sharing how God healed them, and how they did not let it shake their faith, but rather how they threw themselves into the arms of our Father. Even if you are not a Christian, and do not have a faith, I would still recommend this book, as it really does resonate with anyone and everyone walking through baby loss, no matter their beliefs.

All 4 of these books are available on Amazon, as well as Zoe's books being available from The Mariposa Trust Store (Link Below).

https://mariposastore.org/

Blogmas Day 3 ~ Meet the Parents

2021-12-03T18:00:00.000+00:00

Hello!

I realise that behind this blog, there is just me - yes - however, Summer very much has a Daddy who loves her and grieves for her just as much as I do.

So, I thought I would introduce us both to you and give you a tiny little bit of insight into us both.

As you probably already know, I am Mia, or Amiesha and I am Summer's Mummy. Summer's Daddy is called Rich and he is the absolute love of my life.

We both met at the school we both work at back in 2017 and we now live together in our own house in Huddersfield with our 3 cats; Navy, Alby and Audrey, and every other weekend with Rich's son, whom I often refer to as my step boy.

Rich and I have been through a lot over the time we have been together and I would very much like to acknowledge how wonderful and supportive he is. Together we have experienced and are going through probably one of the worst things a couple could ever go through, and despite it all we are forever growing closer and stronger. This is something I am super grateful for and in awe of, as I know that something like this often breaks relationships apart. Let's face it - grief can be ugly. But not for us. Although we are both very different and are dealing with our loss in different ways, we are very much united in our love and support for each other. I am extremely blessed to be with him.

Some things that we enjoy doing together are spending time together (of course), playing snooker and pool, watching movies and going for walks. There are plenty of things we enjoy doing separately of course, such as Rich likes to play Golf and Football and I like to Ice Skate.

The point of me writing this post was to acknowledge and honour the fact that Summer is a product of both myself and Rich. Two imperfect people who made someone completely perfect and wonderful. Two people who, despite experiencing this loss of Summer, are completely with and for one another, supporting each other and walking each other through life.

There is no one in this world who I would rather go through this life with - the good and the bad - than Rich. Summer's wonderful Daddy 💓

Blogmas Day 2 ~ What’s in a Name?

2021-12-02T18:00:00.021+00:00

Summer Dermawan-Alsop.

The name we chose for our baby girl when she was born.

To tell you the truth, Summer’s name was a very last minute decision. Throughout my pregnancy, and when we found out she was a girl, we had decided that Rich and I would come up with a couple of names that we both really liked and would be happy with, and we would present these names to Rich’s son to name her.

Summer was not one of those names. The double barrelling of our surnames was long ago decided, but Summer was not.

When my miscarriage started and when the midwives told me that losing my baby was imminent, the names we had picked out faded away. In and amongst the grief, the trauma and shock, I said to Rich we can’t use any of the names we had picked out. In case we went on to have another daughter later and wanted to use the names. So we decided we would not name her.

When she was born (and you can read the details of that story in a previous post titled “Summer’s Story”, I remember Rich walking from my right side, round the bed to my left side and back again. He was looking at her and looking at me, and then he just said, “What about Summer?”

Through my tears, as the midwives handed me my sleeping angel, I gazed at her beautiful face and my heart swooned. “Summer! Yes, that’s her name.”

When I asked Rich why he thought Summer, he said because she was born in Summer.

However, as the time has gone by, I have come to believe that her name is not an accident. I believe God had her name picked out long before she was conceived and I believe her name means a lot.

Again, as time has gone by and I have been dwelling on her name, with adoration and awe, I realise that my favourite season is Summer. Summer time is the time where I feel my best. Due to having RA, I struggle in Winter, I struggle with the cold and I always long for the Summer, for the warmth and for the light. Also, one of my own middle names is Mentari, which is Indonesian for Sunshine. Now, the Sun is often associated with the Summer time, but we all know the Sun is always present. And you can’t have anything without the Sun. We can’t have life without the Sun. The Sun and Summer come hand in hand.

Me and Summer. She is a part of me and I am a part of her. There’s something just beautiful about that.

Summer is the perfect name for our daughter and although her name was a last minute decision on our part, it certainly was not on God’s part. It amazes me how He brings everything together. I know I keep saying this, and I will never stop saying this, nor apologise for saying this, but I am grateful for Summer. Both the season and everything it brings, and also my daughter, and everything she brings. ☀️💖

Summer after her second dress change
before we had to leave her at the
hospital for her Post Mortem.