Assume the Position

2006-09-30T06:44:00.000-04:00

Assume the Position

Hello, my pets....yes, I've been neglecting you all, and I'm so very sorry. But, I've brought a new blog for you to check out. I was turned onto this one by my friends at Medialine.com and this story is enough to make me see red!!!! The fact that harassment of female officers is still alive and kicking is enough to make me power puke. In fact, it brings back many, many painful memories.

2006-06-14T14:06:00.000-04:00

It's Wednesday, so it must be time for more asskicking...

Yes, my friends, it is that time again...that special, exciting time that I can let loose and free my inner bitch to run wild. This time, I'll let the customers alone. It's time to talk about a few of the people I work with that are in desperate need of an ass-kicking:

Rotten hostess-twat: Look, it's bad enough that you are obviously fucking evil. The fact that you are ugly as sin and refuse to crack a smile is bad enough, but I REALLY do not need to see you sucking face with your boyfriend from the kitchen when I turn a corner and unexpectedly run into the two of you dry-humping each other. Because of you, I may never be able to have sex, again. Oh, and the way you make sure that you seat me so that I'm fucked, have you gotten the clue yet that the bussers are in cahoots with me to foil your plans of shoving it up my ass every chance you get? Yep, sweetie, that's right....hard to fucking seat someone when the tables don't get cleared until I say so...and listening to you get bitched at by customers because they can't get seated just makes me warm and fuzzy inside.
Maybe next time you walk outside to hang all over kitchen-boy and see me on a smoke break, you'll freaking TELL me that you just triple-seated me, you rotten fucking twat.

Nazi-server-ho: I think that you have finally realized that the unholy light that you see in my eyes every time I see you is a clue that I'd love to rip out your throat and shit down your lung cavity. Here's another clue: You are NOT a fucking manager. You will never BE a fucking manager. Everyone that you work with hates you and thinks that you are pathetic. No one gives a fuck about the stupid shit you write on the whiteboard that you triumphantly proclaim are "inside jokes". I hate to break it to you...but YOU are the inside joke. Now, begone before I erase you like I do your stupid drivel on the whiteboard. (Ha, that really pisses you off, huh?)
Oh, one more piece of advice...if you ever make some comment about giving me an employee handbook again, I vow that I will shove it up your ass sideways. Smiling. While I do it.

2006-06-10T05:49:00.000-04:00

Waiting...

Some of you are aware that I've taken a part-time job waiting tables at a pretty well-known chain restaurant. I thought it was truly going to suck big-time, but the fact of the matter is that I'm having a helluva good time. I work with a kick-ass group of people...and the company isn't that bad, either. But, I would not be your bitch goddess unless I had some ass-kicking to do. So, without further ado:

1) I swear to all that is holy and almighty that if one more cheap motherfucker comes in and asks for "just a glass of water with lemon", I'm going to cram it down their fucking throat.
Let me give you a clue, fucknut....you are drinking CITY NASTY-ASS fucking water, m'kay? This is the rotten drivel that even the ghetto rats won't consume. So, go ahead, you cheap fuck....suck ir down, I hope you choke on the lemon, you ignorant inbred asshole.

Um, here's another clue...this chain has a famous "all you can eat" thing that people normally get for lunch. Here's the catch, the lazy, fat fucks order this and say to me, "I'm gonna make it easy and get..."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Okay, let's think about this. If I am running my simple ass off to get you unlimited fucking refills, it is NOT an EASY thing. As a result, I expect you to fairly compensate me for the time I've spent running around to fulfill your every fucking need. Don't go by the cheap ass bill because you got the special with fucking city water. PAY FOR ME RUNNING MY ASS OFF, YOU CHEAP FUCK!

I need to give the "Foot up the ass" award to the stupid fucking Flyer's fan, his ugly ass wife and their inbred kid I waited on today. First, these stupid morons order.......wait for it..............................
YES, city fucking water! For their snot-nosed kid, too. I give the brat a kiddie cup that is charged 75 cents for and goes with the kid's meal. Like I'm going to hand your hyper-active, inbred retard kid a large glass object with fluid in it. NO!
Then, you backwards, cheap fucks order two entrees and say, "we'll share with the kid".
Uh...okay. (You skinflint fucks.)
So, you share the salad with your mongrel child and then have the fucking nerve to give me shit about charging 75 cents for the kiddie cup? How bout I slam your simple ass with the $4 for the fucking salad?
THEN, you have the fucking nerve to bitch that your inbred child needs mints and you leave me $2 on a $30 bill.

Fuck you, you rotten cocksucker. No wonder you are part of those losing inbred fucks that cheer for the Flyers. You have no class and I hope you slide under a fucking bus.

2006-05-10T01:38:00.000-04:00

What the HELL is wrong with the Amish?

Today, a three year old little boy was killed. He wasn't hit by a car...he didn't sucumb to an illness or anything else you might think that would befall a child of that age. This little guy was killed while riding on a horse-drawn manure spreader with his two year old brother. The poor little tyke somehow fell onto the feed belt of the spreader and was propelled underneath, basically ending up covered by a heavy layer of shit.
This is the second incident of this type, in as many months. The last one was another small child that was sent inside a grinder by his father....who then turned it on before checking to see that the boy was out!
I think that these two horrible deaths are textbook examples of "endangering the welfare of a child".
How many more children must die in gory farm machinery deaths until something is done to stop this?

2006-04-25T04:37:00.000-04:00

The Agony of "dese" feet!

I ran into someone the other night that informed me that we had a mutual friend....my old ice hockey coach. He's a great guy...he taught me a lot about skating and goaltended. This person told me that I should give the coach a call...so I did.
Coach called me back within minutes and asked if I was available to play a scrimmage that evening. I agreed.
Now, I haven't played since early 2002. I had two spinal surgeries to recover from....none of them were related to hockey....just police work. As a result, I was pretty damn nervous about playing. And, there was to be a news crew there, filming us for some story. I figured it would be good comedy TV if they happened to get me.
It was so great to see the gals....I was very impressed by some of the improvements I observed in some of the players. Coach must have been cracking the whip.
I arrived at the rink and lugged in my humongous bag of goalie gear. Let me tell you....this stuff smelled EVIL! I hadn't had a chance to air it out on such short notice.
I'm embarassed to admit that I forgot how to use the ties on the toe of the leg pads. This resulted in me taking a few face plants on the ice when I ran over one of them.
However, I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly it all came back to me. I certainly didn't give a Brodeur performance, but I was still happy about the result.
We didn't keep score, I was the only goalie and I played half of the time with one team and then switched nets.
Now.....I feel like every part of my body has been beaten to within an inch of paralysis.
I will link the news clip here if they put it on the site.

I need to go pray for death, now.

2006-04-08T13:17:00.000-04:00

A Courtesy Flush, Please!

I finally played poker "live". I saw a tournament that was being advertised on the sign of a local bar for Thursday nights, so I wandered in and gave it a try. There were 18 people that showed up to play and I was one of two women. My very first hand was a K/10 and the flop was A/Q/J! Two of the guys went all-in....heh, I took 'em out with a sweet smile.

I stayed in until there were only two tables left and got knocked out on a bad beat in 11th place. I had pocket Aces...the other guy scored a flush, Jack high on the river......grrrrrr! But, I had a really good time!

2006-04-06T00:03:00.000-04:00

Assume the Position: ReLaunch!

Okay, I'm not proud...I'll gladly confess that I have been seriously jonesing to blog. I tried to do it myself, and I was able to get most of what I wanted done, until I screwed up the whole thing! I put out a plea on the TMMB and an Intoxicated Wombat came to my rescue! {Scootah...I don't care what they say about you....you are on my list of fantasy wombats!} Thank you, thank you, thank YOU!!!!! *MUAH*
So....welcome to the NEW "Assume The Position"!

2006-03-09T18:04:00.000-05:00

Springing into a New Look

After getting a heaping helping of abuse from IT2M, I redesigned my blog. I still have some tweaking to do and I would appreciate any feedback about what you like and what you think really sucks. Writing code for a blog was a completely different thing than it is for my forum and I'm actually pretty shocked that I was able to get this far.

Speaking of "new looks", I watched FX's "Black/White", last night. For those of you that are not familiar with the show, it is about one white family and one black family that switch races through the miracles of make-up and special effects. It was amazing to see how this was done. I can't imagine how freaky it would be to look in the mirror and see myself as a black person. I admit that the idea is intriguing and it's something that I would love to have the opportunity to do. During the show, I found myself frequently cringing when the white husband and wife would say or do things that were obviously stereotypical and insulting. There was a particular scene where the black husband is in his "white person" make-up and was working as a bartender in a "white" bar/area that made me very uncomfortable and embarassed for my race. A white patron was telling the pseudo-white guy that the neighborhood was the "last bastion for white people in LA" and that because it was only whites, it would be "safe" to raise children.

I would have LOVED to have seen that guy's face when he found out. I hope that they show reactions like that, later in the show. "Black/White" is on FX at 10pm EST on Wednesday nights. It is definitely worth a look!

2006-02-25T15:55:00.000-05:00

A Walk on the Wild Side

This afternoon, I spent some time with a few packs of wolves. I stumbled across a site that is dedicated to a private wolf sanctuary only a few minutes from my home. Of course, I was unable to rest until I had made arrangements to visit. In order to protect these wonderful animals from people that might harm or harass them, the address is not on the site and all tours are by appointment.

There were several different types of wolves present, including some that are almost extinct. One of the most fascinating sights was a litter of 10 week old wolf cubs who were doing their best to copy everything the adult wolves were doing.

If you are planning to be in central PA, I urge you to put this on your list as a "must" visit!

2006-02-24T11:30:00.000-05:00

Asshole or Nice Guy?

This morning, I caught the end of an interview of Shani Davis on the Today show. There was a brief reference to some statement that Shani had released that referred to the general public as being prejudiced. The reason for this was because such notice had been made of Shani's lack of visible excitement after winning a gold medal. I thought I had heard something about people likening Shani to the fabled "sullen black man". I wanted to make sure of this, so I went on a search to find this statement by Shani Davis...more on that in a moment.

I watched the race that Shani Davis won. Go ahead and call me a geek, but I was cheering like crazy. I was so excited that a young man that grew up in poor circumstances with a single mother had made it so far. I was able to identify with Shani because of that. The fact that he had become the first black athlete to win an individual gold medal at the Winter Olympics was just icing on the cake. I was dumbfounded when I watched his interview following the race. Like it or not, he did act like some sullen, pissed off, rotten attitude asshole...no matter what color his skin. I wondered at the time (and still do) if Shani suffers from Asperger's syndrome.

So...I went on a search for Shani's statement. I found a site that claims to be officially Shani's. Imagine my shock when I found an announcement that starts with this:

U.S. Speedskating and Chad Hedrick need to be exposed for their satanic plot.

WHAT THE FUCK? Is this shit for real? When I thought it couldn't get any more outrageous, I find this at the end:

Hey, guys, there's a new game in the U.S.!! Destroy the Black Athlete

Hmm...I vote for asshole.

2006-02-23T12:24:00.000-05:00

Thrashin' Thursday!

Someone please tell me what the flying fuck this "curling" shit is supposed to be? How is this an Olympic sport? If you don't break a sweat while doing it, it is not a fucking sport! The least they could do is hurl the damn things at each other and make it a bit more exciting.

Um...news break. Please, please explain to me why a fugly looking asshole thinks it would be perfectly okay to dress up like a woman when he is an elementary school teacher? Kids are screwed up enough these days without someone bringing this shit into an elementary school. Hey "Lily", wanna make a real statement? Go teach high school looking like that...you fucking freak. Let's see how "accepted" you'll be. Oh, and before anyone jumps my ass about intolerance, I don't give a flaming SHIT what you do in your sex life as long as it doesn't involve kids or small furry animals. BUT...when you first teach little kids as a man, you don't return as a woman to fuck up their little minds. Public school does NOT mean "anything goes". Keep your sex life out of the school.

*Sigh* George, what the FUCK were you thinking? Man, I love you...I worked my ass off for you during each election, but I just can't figure out what kind of crack you were smoking when you thought we wouldn't care if you turned over American ports to Arabs. If I were you, I'd hand Dick a shotgun and let him go hunting, again. It might get the spotlight off this colossal fuck-up.

Goddess gem: How do you reason with a 70 lb., 8 month old puppy? He can't grasp the fact that he is too big to be a lap dog.

2006-02-20T20:17:00.000-05:00

Get off your ass and DO this!

Someone from the PoliceHub.com forum posted a site that is doing a program called Hero to Hero that is a morale booster for the troops. They are asking for Police, Corrections, EMS and Fire members to donate the shirts off their backs to the soldiers. You know all of those department shirts that sit in your drawer? Take a few of them, write an inspirational and/or supportive message and send it to the Hero2Hero folks to send to our troops. Also, you don't have to be an emergency worker to get involved; if you have a shirt with your town name on it, write a message and send that! They can also use monetary donations to help with packing and postage.
This is such a small thing to do and it will mean so much. Help me by spreading the word on this program.

2006-02-20T01:10:00.000-05:00

Groundpiggies, Rat-Bastard Squirrels, and the tortures of running.

Any one of you that is one of those freaks that lives for running ridiculous distances without a realization that you are insane, please lean closer to the screen for TG. That's it, c'mere, just a little closer....

URGGGGHR! Yeah, bitch...I have you by your obnoxious nose/ear/hair/nipple/whatever I could grab! Listen to me, very carefully...you rotten fucks have something seriously wrong with you that you ENJOY this running shit. You all need your heads bashed together until you wake up to reality!

Holy cunt-monkeys...I HATE to run...but, yes, I am still doing it and no...I have still not smoked. I didn't think it was possible for me to become any more of a flaming bitch than I already was, but I've managed to exceed even my own expectations.

Yeah, I'm so proud.

Next issue: Hey, Octarara and Punxetawny (or however the fuck you spell it) PA! Don't you think it might be time to go out and trap yourself a new, fat groundpiggy to replace that dead, moth-eaten thing that you drag out of the cellar every 2nd of February? Here's a clue: when even small children are freaked out by the disgustingness of Phil the groundpiggy, it is time to cremate the little furry fuck and get ya a new one. In fact, I have the perfect specimen for you. I have one of the fattest, roly-poly groundpiggies that you could ever ask for...and the best part is, the damn thing is so freaking stupid. He waddles his fat ass across my yard at what he thinks is Warp Factor 3 with his huge hindquarters bouncing all over the place and dragging him to one side or another. He finally slams into the bottom of the deck where he proceeds to get stuck because his fat ass can't fit going out. When the dumb shit does this, I get treated to a chorus of groundpiggy obscenities. I'm actually glad the prick is stuck by that point.

Oh...before any animal lovers write to me so they can bitch, let me say this:

Fuck you and your whiny-ass, tree-hugging, paint-throwing, wussy-ass bullshit!
To make sure it is clear: FUCK YOU, TWICE!

I know it doesn't sound like it, but I really do love my groudpiggy. It's the squirrels that need to die a screaming death while choking on their own blood. If you saw the destruction that the mangy little fucks did, you would understand. These little bastards do a few interesting tricks. They chew the hell out of anything important that you might lock away and they can queeze into. Thier second special trick is to unfailingly decide to sacrifice one of themselves on any night that you have some special TV watching planned. One of them will throw themselves into a trasformer causing it to explode and plunge several neighborhoods into darkness. If you listen closely, you can hear them tittering while the husbands and fathers are howling their frustration at the ceiling.
The final special squirrel trick is that they are constantly horny. I don't know why the the phrase "fucks like bunnies" got started. I've never seen bunnies doing the nasty (except for my step-mother's freak of nature "Bun-Bun" that assraped a cat...but that's another story.) I have seen squirrels humping each other on a regular basis.
If it isn't bad enough that the little shits are constantly fucking, they also get help from our neighborhood fuckwit: Squirrel Man.
Squirrel Man imports more squirrels into the neighborhood. He traps them at his father's house and brings them to this development so that he can have a "Born Free" moment. I am accepting any and all suggestions to stop this moron. So far I have:

impaled dead squirrels on the tree in front of my house, placed "just so" for when Squirrel Man takes his walk past my house.
I have lined up the dead furry fucks on top of the trasformer with their heads hanging backwards so that they can fix Squirrel Man with a death gaze.

I guess the next thing is to put on my redneck gear, walk over to Squirrel Man's house next time I see him outside and start the following conversation:

Me: Hey Squirrel Man! Can you bring me some new squirrels soon? If you can, bring some faster ones...this group didn't do very well at target practice and I got'em all."

2006-02-12T15:43:00.000-05:00

USA USA USA USA USA USA (say it with me, y'know you want to...)

I am unashamedly a huge fan of the Olympics. It may be because I can clearly recall special moments, times shared by my family as we watched and cheered on our athletes. It also may be because my father had been asked to be on the US Olympic Weightlifting team in the 1960's. I know that the first time I ever watched an ice hockey game, it was the BIG game between the USA and USSR. I can still see Herb Brooks standing behind the players' bench and the "dogpile" on the ice when we won. I remember seeing a tiny Russian gymnast that performed as if gravity did not affect her, receiving perfect scores.
Okay...okay...okay, I confess that I love watching the figure skating. Like most little girls, I was fascinated by my peers that were so perfect that they were able to compete on a world stage. This was also my first real glimpse at people from other countries. Remember, it wasn't so long ago that anything to do with the USSR was swathed in secrecy. To a small child, the idea that an entire country of people live behind an "iron curtain" is something that is frightening and fascinating.

(Okay....this is fucking IT! Blogger ate another damn post. FUCK.)

2006-02-10T11:33:00.000-05:00

Addiction, Rocking out and being a bitch....

I finally did it....I've quit the nasty. I am an ex-smoker.

It wasn't something that I scheduled. I just decided to do it. And, yes, I'm doing it cold turkey. One thing that helps is that I have a "bite guard" for TMJ. I wear that constantly and it helps. I'm running...and yes, it sucks.

I.
Fucking.
Hate.
To.
Run.
Period.

I want to CUT people that can run their asses off. They are usually such SMUG bastards. Makes me want to stick my foot out as they motor past me.

I traded one addiction for another. There's a group of my online friends that have become hooked on poker. We live for freerolls. Freerolls are poker games that are free to enter and you can win money.

I think we need to join Freerolls Anonymous...before the cyber leg-breakers find us.

Goddess gem: Thank God for my mp3 player. There's something therapeutic about screaming the words to "I'm the Only One" by Melissa Ethridge.
Simon would not be sending my tone-deaf ass to Hollywood.

2006-02-06T02:24:00.000-05:00

YAY STEELERS!!!

Thank God that SOMEONE is winning in Pittsburgh!

2006-02-03T12:09:00.000-05:00

Boy, are we fucked!

It's a crying shame that we are quickly losing a national treasure. There is a generation of American women that has always personified grace, culture and courage. No matter how ugly life could become we were always able to look to these women to see how we should act in our own lives. Jackie Kennedy Onassis was one of them and now, we have lost another...Coretta King. These women went through some of the most awful things that occur in life and still managed to do it in a way that is still held up as a standard to the rest of us. When I think about the pressures that Mrs. King had to face as the very public wife of a black leader at the forefront of the civil rights movement, it makes my angst over having to blaze trails as a female police officer seem so trivial. You have to remember that a large amount of ignorant crackers thought nothing of physically or verbally attacking black people during that time period. In some areas, it was an accepted and "socially correct" behavior. It is something that really boggles the mind when contrasted with today. I truly believe that it had to be more difficult to be the wife of MLK because of the added pressure of being a woman and having to respond to morons in a ladylike manner. They don't make 'em like Coretta King and Jackie O., anymore, and that is a loss for all of us.
This point was never so glaringly evident than with the debacle at the State of the Union speech, this week. I don't care how you feel about our President, when you are attending an important function within a forum that represents this country's most serious duties, you accord the proper respect to which it is due. I'm not referring to Cindy Sheehan...fuck her, I expected her to act like some moron. However, I certainly expected more from the wife of a US congressman!
Lady, I don't care if it WAS a display of support for our troops...what fucking possessed you to think that it was perfectly okay to wear a T-SHIRT to the State of the Union speech? Does your husband's congressional district consist of nothing but trailer parks and Jerry Springer watching white trash? You'd certainly better hope so, because that's about the only people that should be voting for him. You need to be apologizing to his constituents for being such an embarassing, stupid twat. It reminds me of the dumbasses that would show up to court in a t-shirt, jeans and baseball hat and then wonder why the judge tore them a dozen more assholes. It's pretty obvious from your behavior that you have little respect for the things that your husband is supposed to be representing (oh yeah...he's just as fucking bad for publically ranting about your freedom of speech), I sincerely hope that the voters give you a new shirt:
"I went to Congress and acted like an ass...and all I got was this stupid t-shirt."

Each of you probably knows a woman that typifies that wonderful, classy generation: a mother, grandmother, aunt, friend or even mentor. Do me a favor...call, visit or write to her. Tell her that she is a true treasure- before it is too late.

Goddess gem: Granny, I miss you so.

2006-02-03T11:57:00.000-05:00

FUCK YOU, BLOGSPOT!

Blogspot ate my list of the next 50. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the rotten program eats this post, too. So, Blogspot...simply because you sucketh to the infinite power, I am awarding you with a special Friday ass-whipping. If you possessed an anal cavity, I would have my foot implanted up to my hip.

That is all.

Goddess wonders.... Hmm, it must truly be a sign that my beloved Pens are playing REALLY badly when I don't even get horny watching, anymore.

2006-01-23T21:05:00.000-05:00

Weird and Wonderful Goddess Gems

I enjoyed reading Damian's and Laurie's lists so much that I figured I would give it a shot. I'll be surprised if I can make it to 100 (or if you even think it's interesting enough to read all of it). Eh, what the hell...

Since I've been involved with a "poop war" with Laurie, I'll share this: I am lucky if I take a shit once every two or three weeks. In other words, I am literally full of shit.
Watching Ice Hockey makes me hot...so does Boxing. In fact...if you take me to a boxing match or a hockey game, you will either put out or make sure I'm well-stocked in batteries.
I can eat my weight in snow crab legs. It's normally a good idea not to get too close to me when there are crab legs around...I might hurt you if I think you're mackin' on my food.
I once did a heart massage. Putting my hand inside another human being's chest and actually holding their heart was an incredible experience.
I have been stalked, numerous times. One of my stalkers followed me around while I was on patrol and tried to get me to shoot her. She believed that if I killed her, she would"become" me.
I entered a beauty pageant on a dare...and won two national titles.
I like to fart. Loudly. It makes me happy.
I truly believe that tuna fish is a byproduct of the AntiChrist. If you bring some near me, I will cut you.
One of my fondest wishes is to travel to Europe.
I used to live in a building that was used as a hospital during the Battle of Gettysburg. I shared my home with a very mischievous ghost.
I count as one of my greatest experiences ever the time I had the opportunity to play with, hold and feed a bottle to an African Lion cub.
I ran into Bob Dylan in a hotel elevator. When we were talking, we realized that we were both heading to separate performances. He actually wished me luck in conducting at Drum Corps Assoc. World Championships.
I got freaky with one of the Kinks.
I can play any musical instrument but the strings.
As a result of my involvement in the prosecution of a nationally known case, I had the opportunity to meet the Pittsburgh Penguins at a private party and I held the Stanley Cup. (And, so began my obsession with hockey...)
I would do anything to have my Granny back. She was the biggest influence on my life. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her.
One of the hardest things I've ever done was to take my German Shephard, Bridget, to be put to sleep. Though I know it was necessary, I still second guess myself and feel guilty.
I once worked 72 hours straight to quell a state prison riot. I arrived at the scene in style...inside a state police helicopter.
One of my career goals is to be a K-9 officer.
A really mind-blowing experience: While performing in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, I looked up from my conducting and saw myself 6 stories tall on the screen mounted in Times Square.
I was a guest on the Today Show and I was so drunk that I could barely stand up. (Beware of drummers bearing SamBuca!)
I once leapt from a third floor fire escape into a dumpster full of empty beer cases while being cheered on by drunken cops from all over the nation.
I (and everyone that was in my party) was ejected from an Outback restaurant in FL for hog-calling.
I was almost killed when I was hit by a drunk driver while standing outside of my patrol car on a traffic stop.
Prior to 9/11, I was the only female officer to have received the Medal of Valor from the American Police Hall of Fame. It was for effecting the arrest of the above drunk while severely injured.

Damn, this shit is HARD. More later...hope you didn't fall asleep on me. If you did, I'll be whooping your ass on Wednesday.

2006-01-18T23:20:00.000-05:00

Whip it! Whip it good!
Oh yeah....it is Wednesday and that means it is time for me to SMACK THAT ASS! Hmmm, let's see what the Goddess has in store for the week:

Laurie: Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know...I've been having a good time spanking this pleasurable ass every single chance I get. But, COME ON!!! Have you SEEN it?
Besides the reason that I just want to get my hands on Laurie's ass, she is getting a spanking because Beauty and the Beer has been nominated to Best of the Blogs for "Snarkiest Blog".
Go vote or I'll add you to the list for an ass-kicking!

Beda Kent, Houston FD: Girl...I am in fucking AWE of you! Taking your captain's promotion test and ACING it within 12 hours of giving birth? Beda...this Goddess wants you to know that you are an inspiration...good luck and congrats!

MLK (and those that do their best to carry the flame): In this screwed up world, I have to save a gentle spanking for Dr. King and all people that strive to live by the things that he taught. It concerns me when I hear people that are not African-American talk of this holiday as if it is unimportant. Dr. King was not only searching for a better life for African-Americans...he wanted an America where all people were treated with respect and had every opportunity to be the best person that they could be. So, the Goddess says...rest easy, Dr. King...we haven't forgotten your teachings.

Time to Whip it:
Mother Nature: Will you MAKE up your fucking mind? I'm getting sick of these temperature changes of 30-50 degrees, sometimes within 12 hours....even lately within 30 minutes!! Mama Nature, what the hell has crawled up your ass and died that you have gotten it in your head to be such a rotten bitch?

The-one-who-shall-not-be-named-but-everyone-knows-who-you-are: Look, you need to think through your actions of the past week or so. You may think that you are suddenly hot shit, but you would be surprised as to the amount of people that have noticed your rat-fuck behavior and have made it known to me. People that drop friends to "be cool" is something that you should have gotten over in high school. Wake up to reality...your "cool factor" is disappearing almost as fast as your friends.

Goddess gem: Mama...the poop war is on. You may as well surrender because I'm working up a good one!

2006-01-17T23:32:00.000-05:00

The Shield's Newest Rook

Paula Garces is new this season, playing Officer Tina Hanlon who is being trained by Julian as her FTO.

I have to say that I am impressed and gratified to the writers of this show...they provided some very strong women that were/are good cops. CCH Pounder (Detective Wyms), Officer Danny Sofer (Catherine Dent) and Captain Monica Rawlings (Glenn Close) all portrayed women that had pride in their work, made sure that they did the job and did it well, yet were still able to maintain the fact that they are women and can still act like it.

Now, with Season 5, Officer Tina Hanlon comes along to show us an example of someone that just doesn't quite get "it". She seems to look at the "barn" as being a singles bar or meat market, using her feminity as coin to trade on instead of buckling down and learning to be a capable officer. As a result, she is putting off a vibe that she is expecting to have certain things "let slide" because she is cute. Unfortunately, she is placed with an FTO that is immune to her charms and is only worried about making sure she can do the job right and not get herself or another officer injured or killed.

Tina had been warned by Danny about the officer safety issue of wearing jewelry on the job. There's a good reason for that advice and Tina learned the hard way in tonight's episode. No, there's never a guarantee that a suspect is going to automatically rip out an earring or use your long hair to control you...but, the women that have gone ahead of you and forged that path have already learned the lesson the hard way, some of them by making the ultimate sacrifice. When our advice falls on ears that will not listen, it can be frustrating. But, I know that most veteran female officers will still continue to be there to guide.

Danny proved this point in tonight's episode when she strongly suggested to Julian that it was his duty to address Tina's overuse of force in a different manner. Was Tina guilty of excessive force? You are damn right, she was! She was so caught up in getting even that she forgot the important rule: Only enough force to overcome resistance, and when that resistance stops, so does the force used!

It was interesting because I watched this with the husband. His immediate comment was that the asshole deserved it. This is just one more clue that we are not compatible. In all of my time as a police officer, I have never used force to get back at someone. In fact, I made it a personal point of honor that I would use the least amount that I could...especially when someone had assaulted me. Don't get me wrong, I'm the first one there to jump in with another officer to go toe-to-toe. But, I've always brought my prisoner back to the station without having taken a few "licks" to teach them a lesson. When we do that kind of thing, we lower ourselves to their level.

2006-01-16T23:20:00.000-05:00

It's Linky, it's linky!

Yeah, I know that all of you are humming that whacked slinky song now...sorry.
I wanted to point out that there are two new links on this blog:
The Enforcer's Notebook and Tales from the Domestic Front. I think they are worth checking out, so be kind and read them.

*EDIT* Make sure that all of you go and vote for my girl, Laurie from "Beauty and the Beer" (see links). She was nominated for Best Snarky Blog!!! Go vote, dammit!

Goddess gem: Make war, not love. If the Goddess ain't gettin' it, then I don't want anyone else having it!

2006-01-16T00:40:00.000-05:00

Rear Body Armor Required

There is nothing else on God's green earth that pisses me off more than a back-stabbing bitch. Just think about this a second...I realize that I'm not the voice echoing from a burning bush, after all...I keep that trimmed and landscaped, and the Goddess is not into burning. That means your shit is wrong and you need to get to the Doc. And, as wonderful as the Goddess's party patch is...I haven't quite taught it to speak. Hence, no voice coming out of that thing....yet. (Shit, DUCK...there went a tangent!)

But, getting back to my point. You would think that when you have a friend that you've gotten to know, that you would be able to tell if they were going to shank you in the ass. These people need to have warning labels attached to them:
Attention: Do not attempt to become friendly with this person. They will screw you up the ass without the benefit of lube on the earliest opportunity.

Pfft....noooooo! That would make life too easy. Hell, once these back-stabbing rat bastards are identified, you should be able to go to your local courthouse and procure tags for hunting them.

I do have to say, though, that the assholes certainly make the true friends that you find to be so much sweeter and precious. HAHAHAHAHA, it's going to kill me to say this, but Hans_G is one of those people and he's been so wonderful. (Love you, Hansy...even if your taste in hockey sucks.) Luke, Laurie and the rest of the gang...much love!

2006-01-11T21:44:00.000-05:00

Whippin' That Ass

It must be Wednesday, because I am in a serious ass-kicking mood. It seems I can't take a breath without someone or something pissing me off. You think that fate would give a goddess a break, but no...fate has obviously decided to become an amateur proctologist and see how much and how hard it can shove an unlimited supply of ginormous fuck-you's right Up MY ASS! As a result, ain't nobody getting a pleasurable spanking. Tough shit...why should I make YOUR ass feel better? What have you done for a bitch, lately, huh?

Pittsburgh Penguins- What in the flying FUCK is the major malfunction with you guys??? How do you expect me to hold my head up and defend your sorry asses when it comes to those rotten ratfuck Flyers fans (Bite me, Hans!) when you play like you have your heads firmly implanted in your anus? Yeah...okay, the first half of the season was a wash but does that mean that you have to play like the US Women's Hockey team? No...actually, I think even the US Women's team could whip your asses, right now. I suggest you start playing like you have some hairy dangly things before there is a uniform change and you rat bastards have to play in skirts.

Senate Judiciary Committee- You all are some pompous, over-inflated windbags. Do you realize that if you put a fraction of that effort that you put forth in grandstanding towards actually making a freaking effort at getting something DONE, we wouldn't have HALF the problems we have, today. Shut your fucking mouths and DO the job that you were sent to do. No one gives a flying shit about your petty power-grabbing speeches. If I had my choice, I'd send fate over to visit each and every one of you when it comes knocking on my door in the mood to do some colon exploration.

Senator Arlen Spector- This is your second time that you have made my ass-whoopin' list. What kind of fucktard are you that you want to pass a law saying that people cannot express their opinion on the internet? Anyone that gets their panties in a wad over shit said online needs a foot up their ass to wake them up to reality. Get a fucking life...if you can't take people telling you that you are a fucking moron because you are to obtuse to see the obvious, then press that little power button. Otherwise, shut up and crawl back under your rock so no one has to deal with you.

Goddess gem: What if the hokey-pokey is really what it is all about?

2006-01-09T18:35:00.000-05:00

Bald is Beautiful!

Yuuuuuummy! It is almost time for The Shield to return to FX with a new season. Don't forget to tune in tomorrow night at 10pm!
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