White Space

So Much Things to Say

2010-05-31T18:31:00.000-07:00

I have been silent blog wise on the happenings in West Kingston last week. This has largely been because it has been so overwhelming. Quite frankly I am traumatised. I was nowhere near any of the violence but the uncertainty of where the violence would spring up next, the helicopters hovering for most of the first few days of the week, the few times I heard gunfire which did not even sound close and the stories related to me by friends and family about the gunfire they heard took a toll.

It was a sad week for Jamaicans wherever they may live. Death is never easy to deal with and it is has placed a pall over everything. I must state categorically, however, that I am tired of the silence. The silence of our leaders, the silence of the people who know the truth, the silence of those who know where the guns are/were, the silence of those who know they should speak but don’t, I am tired of my own silence.

We do not highlight enough of the good and right things with the world. To end a horrible week filled with bloodshed, lost hours and anxiety I spent the weekend in Treasure Beach at the Calabash International Literary Festival. I spent the weekend in the company of people who care about words and good music, where the people are kind, have a smile and tell you the truth when you ask about produce and do not sell you things that are not exactly value for money. I spent the weekend at something that is right with Jamaica and has been going strong for 10 years. It is hard to sustain a literary festival that is free to the public where writers come from all over the world. There are airfares to pay, accommodation for the writers, all the things that go into producing a festival of its magnitude that cost money but thanks to the commitment and hard work of the people involved and the sponsors, the 10th anniversary of the Festival took place in the shadow of the mayhem and those of us that made it will are eternally grateful.

Even so it was hard to remain isolated from what was going on as even though I did not have a television or radio, technology saw to it that I got updates on the situation via Twitter for Blackberry and this allowed a bit of anxiety to stay with me. It got me thinking about the children who did not have a school to go to because it had gone up in flames and about threats on a media house and about the fact that we take our many freedoms for granted. How can one attack a school, how can one attack freedom of speech and expression? It made me realize that this experience was bigger that just gunfire being traded by the law and the lawless. This was an attack on our rights as a people and as members of the human race. The right to an education, the right to freedom of movement and expression made my think of the civil wars still being fought in different parts of the world. It made me disappointed and at one point when a Member of Parliament on the government side was booed as he was introduced to read at the Festival and when he got up to read he stated that on behalf of himself and the other MP there he promised to do better, I was not filled with hope. I did not take him at his word because the little trust that was there has been totally eroded. It was a sad moment for me and I am sure countless others. We need hope, and there is nothing to suggest that hope is warranted.

On a personal note, one of my poems appeared in the Calabash anthology that was published this year by Akashic Books titled “So Much Things To Say Over 100 Poets From the First Ten Years of the Calabash International Literary Festival” it was great to hold the book in my hand, to see my name in print in a book containing poems by persons like Derek Walcott, Robert Pinsky, Mervyn Morris and Natasha Tretheway and I was asked to sign a few autographs by persons who know the face that go with the name. (I am always trying to keep a low profile.) So at this point I am filled with gratitude that I was afforded this opportunity and will be sending an email to the persons involved to say just that.

It is said that love conquers all but I do not think (and I can certainly speak for myself) we can love lies, so the truth must be told and then perhaps we can start to pick up the broken pieces and as we put these pieces back together with the glue of love then maybe glimmers of hope will be reflected off of these pieces and slowly we will make it to our happy ending.

1000 Awesome Things

2010-04-16T10:12:00.001-07:00

I happened upon a really cool website today “1000 Awesome Things” http://www.1000awesomethings.com. 1000 Awesome Things is a time-ticking countdown of 1000 awesome things that was launched in June 2008 by Neil Pasricha and is updated every weekday. There is now a book out, a 400-page hardcover, “The Book of Awesome”.
“1000 Awesome Things” include:
 When dreams come true
 Finally peeing after holding it in
 Listening to couples tell how they met
 When you find out your new place has a really good shower
 Catching food in your mouth
Why not start your own list of “Awesome Things”? It might change your whole perspective.

Budget Day

2010-04-08T10:20:00.001-07:00

So far I have not been posting to my blog everyday. I have gotten bogged down by the “not enough hours in every day”, work frustrations, illness, water restrictions and just not being committed. I need a timetable or a routine or something that becomes innate so I can do everything I need to do without thinking about it.

Today is budget day in Jamaica. Today the Minister of Finance is going to tell the country how we are going to finance the budget for the financial year 2010/2011. I personally am filled with foreboding. There has been talk of financing the budget from traffic fines. The projected amount is more than what was collected up to a few weeks ago. Does the Finance Minister have a crystal ball that foretold that persons are just going to start disobeying the law just so they can spend the money that is so hard to come by these days just so they can help finance the budget? Or will the fines be increased? And even so what if by some miracle, us Jamaicans all became extreme law abiding citizens and did not commit any infractions, what then?

I am sure our forefathers are most displeased with me because so far I have taken for granted the right to exercise my franchise but I see no reason to do so. The options on the ballot sheet appear to be “Dumb” and “Dumber”. If there was a third option, “Change”, then I would be running to get enumerated so I can put my check mark beside this. On the other hand it could be argued that we the people are the ones who put the government in place and so they are accountable to us, we are their bosses and we should force our employees to do what is best for the country. So that is something for me to think about as my “no confidence, no vote” stance apparently has had no effect at all.

Everyday is another battle but right now I am just trying to win the war.

Changes

2010-03-08T13:14:00.001-08:00

So I have moved from having an office to being stuck into a corner. Joy. I have no cabinet and a smaller desk. I have no space to manoeuvre and now everyone can see when I am pulling up my half bra but at least I have a job. So I should be grateful.

As humans we do not deal with change very well. We resist, resist, resist, often to our own detriment. But the fact is, change is inevitable as it is a necessary evil. I for one would not have been hesitant to embrace the change if it did not mean placing more persons in the same physical space as myself which means less room to move around in case of emergency and the potential emergency we may have created for ourselves with more computers, printers etc. being placed on the grid. But the persons whose portfolio it is to make sure these things do not happen should have thought about and looked at this and so I am not worried (in worried voice).

What I cannot deal with is the people walking around looking at us and our space like we are we are the latest addition to the circus; when it is obvious they had no business here and are just looking to “fass” (be inquisitive). Why is it we do not have any concept of boundaries? We are we so taken up with everyone else and not with ourselves? Why is it that we know all the “suss” but we do not know how our children are doing in school? I do not think it is human nature. I think human nature is “survival of the fittest” which means paying more attention to ourselves and less at matters that have no direct or indirect effect on us. But I might be wrong being neither sociologist nor an anthropologist.

Moving has forced me out into the open. People can now see me as I can no longer sit ensconced in my office and perhaps that is a good thing. Time, as usual, will tell.

Listen2thecall

2010-02-24T09:21:00.001-08:00

This is my little blurb on listen2thecall.

Members of Jamaica’s music fraternity have collaborated on a recording titled “Listen2theCall” in response to the Haiti earthquake crisis. The song premiered on Tuesday, February 23, 1010 at 4.53 Haiti time, with a Global Media Simulcast to coincide with the earthquake’s 6 week anniversary to remember the victims and survivors. The song produced by Handel Tucker, features Sly and Robbie, Toots (of Toots and the Maytals), Marcia Griffiths, Maxi Priest, Diana King, Luciano, Beres Hammond, Taurus Riley, dub poet Mutabaruka and others.

The goal of the Listen2theCall project is to encourage the global community to embrace active listening as a tool for global change. The project is the brainchild of Raymond Azan (co-founder of the FOR JAMAICA Inc. charity), music producer Handel Tucker and Andrea Davis (founder of the International Reggae Day Festival.

Profits from the sale of the song project will go towards the relief and rehabilitation effort in Haiti. The song, video and ringtones are available for download at www.listen2thecall.com. So go the website and buy something. Remember hurricane season is just around the corner and many people are still homeless.

Serenity Prayer

2010-02-19T14:51:00.000-08:00

My next post was supposed to be about “women and the fascination with taking their husband’s name, either changing their last names or adding his”. But I started writing and it just never got finished.

So here, at the end of the week – TGIF :), I have been reflecting on the Serenity Prayer. I do not know why it just came to me while sitting at my desk waiting for the rush hour traffic to dissipate but it just did. I grew up reading the first few lines often because my mother had a plaque on the wall with it (I guess in our house, the Serenity Prayer was our crucifix). But today when I am faced with so many uncertainties and so many wants to and hopes to, I just needed to relax and use the Serenity Prayer as sort of my method of prioritizing. I guess I can add this as part of my Happiness Project journey.

Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonable happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Amen.

- Reinhold Niebuhr

8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid

2010-02-11T07:19:00.000-08:00

8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid

Live like we're dying

2010-02-10T12:52:00.001-08:00

I have a smile on my face. I do not know why I have a smile on my face but I do. All is not right with the world and I do not know whether all my dreams and hopes well be realized and more importantly for me realized within MY timelines but I have a smile on my face.

Earlier this week, I got a peek at the anthology in which I have a poem, which will be published later this year. That was a great start to my week. I did a bit of writing and I have resolved to leave work at 4.30 p.m. each afternoon and so far so I have been doing that. Maybe not at 4.30 on the dot, but close enough.

I am acclimatizing to work. This is my third day back. One would think that 5 weeks off work is not a big deal, but on Monday I realized I had no recollection of the security code for the door to get inside my Branch. I remembered the first number but got stuck after that. Another thing, the cost of lunch at the place I usually get it has gone up and the amount of food has decreased; so you know who will not be patronizing them anymore. So twenty minutes to lunch time I had no idea what I was going to have. Eventually, I had a patty, an orange I brought from home and some peanuts. I think I am just going to have to take my own lunch from now on.

So far there have been no surprises. My phone has rung a grand total of 5 times in 3 days and once the call was not meant for me. In case you are wondering, that is a good thing because usually the phone is ringing and interrupting work.

I was just listening to Kris Allen’s version of Live Like We’re Dying and it made me think about whether I wake up each morning thinking “how I am going to turn it all around” or do I think about “how I am going to throw it all away”? How actively am I making lemonade? The fact is now, this moment, is all we have and what we do in this moment sets the tone for the moments to follow. Do we forgive in that moment where forgiveness is needed or be selfish and postpone it to another moment that may never be afforded us? Do we make sure that our loved ones feel loved or do we take it for granted that they feel the love we try to show in between appointments, crises and thoughts of there being not enough time? I think I might add that to my personal commandments – Live like I am dying.

And on the matter of living, do not forget our brothers and sisters in Haiti. The rebuilding process will take a while but we saw hope this week as an earthquake survivor was found under a collapsed market.

Last week's news, et cetera

2010-02-07T11:56:00.000-08:00

So the nightmares about work have begun. I will be back officially tomorrow and I am filled with anxiety. Arguably it could be said (I have said it too and am now taking it back) that 2010 did not get off to a great start for me; getting the chicken pox and all. But though it was a bit uncomfortable, it did extend a well needed break from work and I guess whether I want to go back tomorrow or not I have to since I did not win the lotto - but on to far more interesting things.

Jamaica lost a couple great men last week. First Albert Huie, followed by Ralston “Rex” Nettleford. Though I have never met either of these men personally, they have both left their mark in the arts and academia.

Last week (though not prompted by his passing) I made a visit to the National Gallery and had the pleasure of viewing some of Albert’s Huie’s work. In case you have never been or have not visited in a while, the National Gallery is worth a look. (You could drop during lunch.)

Last week’s big news was I suppose the gun and ammunition find that involved a member of the Constabulary Force. After reading one newspaper article about the find, I am convinced that perhaps the biggest obstacle to fighting crime in the country is the fact that no one is talking. It is alleged that the illegal gun shop has been operating for a while, yet no one had said anything. I have to confess that after thinking about it, I too would have kept quiet because it would not be worth the trouble to say anything since it was not affecting me directly. It would, however, affect me if one of the guns sold from this operation was used to hurt myself or someone in my family; but our thinking is too narrow-minded for that, and anyway why complicate things unnecessarily? I commend the officers that effected the arrests for the job they have done and for showing the police force in a positive light.

In a previous blog post I had stated that I was working on my personal commandments for my Happiness Project, well I have decided to share them here:

1. Be Joni
2. Love what I have
3. Be kinder to myself
4. Be less judgemental
5. Finish what I start
6. Love
7. Think less, do more
8. Stay in touch
9. Be optimistic; think ½ full!
10. Remember that life isn’t measured in dollars and cents but in moments.
Maximize each moment.
11. Stand up for myself
12. Eat well

This year’s Calabash International Literary Festival will be held from 28-30 May. It is going to be great, (and it will be the 10th anniversary) so if this is your kind of thing and you have never been; do not think about it just plan to be there. If you do not want to or cannot do the weekend in Treasure Beach thing, there are usually shuttles from Kingston at least Saturday and Sunday that take you to the festival on the day and back. See you there.

Too much things...

2010-02-02T12:29:00.000-08:00

Three days before my vacation is over I am feeling like I am in a creative slump. I feel like everything I have written in the last few weeks is basically crap and I have been fooling myself all along about my writing abilities. I feel like I have too many things to say and I just cannot say them they way I would like to. That is not exactly great for someone who wants to finish a manuscript by the middle of April, but I trudge on – Finish what I start; commandment 5 of my happiness project.

I have finished my twelve commandments for my happiness project and right now I am thinking about resolutions. I think I have been shying away making resolutions because I am afraid that I won’t keep them. I think that is probably not a feeling unique to myself.

On a sobering note, be very cautious at ATMs and ABMs. If you must use them at all, try to use the ones at the bank, preferably the ones that are actually inside the bank. Keep a separate account that you do not have a debit card for in case your money gets stolen due to debit card fraud and keep tabs on your account so you can detect any irregularities as soon as they occur so you can put a stop on your account.

It used to be that you needed to keep your PIN safe. Now I have learnt that the thieves do not need your PIN to access your account. The information on the magnetic strip of your debit card is copied and placed on another card with a magnetic strip and then the thieves create their own PIN for this fraudulent card. Based on a recent occurrence where a friend not only had money removed from his account, but the fraudulent card was used to make a purchase using a POS machine, I have a few questions. One, this would mean that either the card being used is an actual debit card from a bank, two that if it isn’t there is one of two scenarios, that the thieves have made a card to look like one of the debit cards from the bank or that the thieves are in collusion with the store or someone at the store where the purchase was made.

I am not the Police and I will leave them to do their investigation. I will, however, take to task the fact that not enough is being done to educate the population of that fact that this is happening and how to protect themselves. Also, if the cards are so easily defrauded, why haven’t the banks either improved the security of the cards themselves or the ATMs/ABMs? Do the banks ensure that the security cameras are working at all times? If a customer reports that he has been defrauded and suspects that it occurred at a particular ABM/ATM, does the bank check the ATM/ABM? Are signs posted to indicate that the ATM/ABM has been used to defraud someone or that the camera is not working so the public can make an informed choice whether to utilize it or not?

So here’s a lesson (in case you have not learnt it as yet) the banks do not care about YOU, they only care about PROFITS and if that means screwing you over then so be it. Also the so called customer care (especially and possibly only the 24 hour phone service personnel) is staffed by robots who just regurgitate what they are taught to say in training which basically comes out to be – “I really cannot help you” at the time you need them the most because you would not be calling if it was during opening hours at the bank and you could pop in get what you needed done.

The Happiness Project

2010-01-27T07:14:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Twitter I found out about a book titled “The Happiness Project or Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean my Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun” by Gretchen Rubin. The book is a memoir of the year she spent “test driving the wisdom of the ages, the current scientific studies, and the lessons from the popular culture about how to be happy – from Aristotle to Martin Seligman to Thoreau to Oprah” (http://happiness-project.com). She has a blog at http://happiness-project.com where every Wednesday is tip day. The tweet I read took me to her entry on how to keep stay in touch with friends, etc., which I found very useful. You can read sample chapters at the blog, which I did and the book is available on Amazon.

The big draw for me, however, was the Happiness Project Toolbox which is found at this link http://www.happinessprojecttoolbox.com/. The Happiness Project Toolbox supplies eight tools to help you construct your "happiness project." Your "happiness project" is your own project to take specific steps to boost your happiness. Even if you do not read the book you can use the Happiness Project Toolbox. You can use it to make resolutions, lists, keep a one-sentence journal, personal commandments. You can do all this without the Happiness Project Toolbox but with the toolbox you can share your posts with other persons and you can read other people’s posts for inspiration.
Since I have been having my issues with this thing called happiness, I am going to start a happiness project today and I am going to start with personal commandments. I think I am going to plagiarize the author’s own first of her twelve commandments and make my first one “Be Joni”. Second on my list perhaps may be “When persons comment on the fact that you have put on weight resist the urge to smile politely and say thanks but I have a mirror or punch them in the face or tell them they are ugly”. What is it (and this is me venting now) with people, that the first thing they say to a person is about their body being bigger than it once was? Do I go around telling people they are ugly? Do people routinely tell people that they have lost weight? No they don’t. You can compliment someone’s clothing or hairdo or say something about something they did, anything other than a comment about extra pounds. But I suppose that might be harder, and we humans do not like harder or thinking about the consequences of our actions.

If you decide to start a happiness project of your own let me know by leaving a comment, or emailing, or using Facebook, so we can support each other. There is a tool in the toolbox for group resolutions which perhaps we could use.

Trying to get my manuscript done

2010-01-20T08:52:00.000-08:00

So it has been a while since I made an entry to this blog. I have just been enjoying the silence. No footsteps or ringing phones or yells that indicate you are needed for a meeting just as you were getting some work done or sitting in meetings where inevitably the same things get said over and over again and nothing is ever done.
I have been taking some time to do some reading and I am going to use this medium to share an article that I found, to help my fellow poets who are all headed for publication whether they want to own it or not at this time. It is written by Jeffrey Levine editor-in-chief of Tupelo Press and is titled ‘Thirteen Ways of Looking at the Poetry Manuscript: Some Ideas on Creation and Order’. The link to the article is http://www.awpwriter.org/careers/jlevine01.htm.

Reading it has in a way kind of streamlined my thinking about my own work in progress manuscript and I am re-working some of the ideas of what I wanted it to be like. For one, I was hung up on it being titled Dragonfly and up to this point I have yet to finish the poem to be titled ‘Dragonfly’. I still intend to keep it in the manuscript when done, but for right now the title is the last thing I am worried about. It has also spurred me on to completion, because truth be told I am definitely going to be in a different place and a different frame of mind with a different story to tell come my next birthday which is only 5 months away so I am trying to get some things done but at the moment I am working on the discipline.

Discipline is basically what this blog is all about for me. When I started the blog I had intended to write more frequently, however, that will soon be taken care of when I get back to work as there will be many occasions when I just need to clear my mind and writing for the blog will be how I will deal with this.

With that said and with nothing more to say right now, do not forget to aid in the relief and restructuring efforts going on in Haiti and to all the persons who are on the ground giving of themselves in very tough circumstances; thank you for doing the job that you are doing.

Observations

2010-01-13T11:23:00.000-08:00

I am writing this in the wake of the 7.0 magnitude earthquake that hit our neighbour Haiti yesterday afternoon. Prior to hearing the news of the earthquake and the devastation there, I had been reading “The Daily Gleaner” newspaper dated 18 June 1984, the day I was born. I happened upon an article in which it was predicted by Dr. Omar Davies, that “there was likely to be a substantial shortfall in revenue during the financial year 1984/85, because the estimate of revenue-intake which the Government had made for the period would not be realized”.

One of the headlines read “Call on govt. to repair damaged main roads”. Another: “PNP queries new hike on kerosene”. Others read: Rapes and robberies as gunmen snatch buses”, “Exports via Kingston Wharves down 26 %; imports down”, “Wanted man slain in Temple Hall”, “Three shot dead in weekend incidents”, “Argentina wants pact with IMF” and in the editorial section an article by the late Carl Stone titled “A Casino Referendum”.

Fast forward to January 2010, to the pending agreement with the International Monetary Fund for a loan of billions of dollars; increased taxes which will inevitably mean increases in the prices of goods and service (the price of chicken has already increased with increases in rice and flour imminent); job losses with more coming; the recent murders in the past few weeks and the question that begets is “how long is it going to take to get it right”.

Based on my observations we have basically come full circle. Sure there have been improvements in some areas but I find it extremely hard to be forking out money at the gas pump which is supposed to be put into a fund for fixing the nation’s roads when the roads that I drive on everyday, which were not all that great to begin with, have only gotten worse and it appears that this fund is not being managed at all.

I do not have the luxury of being a tax evader, however illegal it may be. I am a P.A.Y.E. employee, and all the various taxes get taken from my salary each month before I even see a cent. I would feel a lot better about paying taxes if I the streets were free of garbage, if everyone had piped water and electricity among other things, but that is not the case.

Everybody can see the problems but nobody is talking about a solution. The government appears to not know what they are doing, the opposition calls out the government on what appears to them to be their mistakes, pull publicity stunts that really do nothing for the man and woman on the street whose income has become so contracted due to increased costs and there is no real dialogue. No dialogue between the politicians, no dialogue between the government and the people that elected them and it all just seems like we should all give up and jump ship. I have for the first time thought seriously about leaving Jamaica for a life and living somewhere else. I am optimistic that things will get better and am endeavouring to do my part to help achieve this, but regardless of what each individual can do, our leaders need to lead.

My sympathies and prayers go out to the people of Haiti. It appears that Haiti and devastation have become synonymous. They were unscathed this year by the hurricane season only to have a pretty bad earthquake strike Port-au-Prince a couple months later. There was an article in Le Matin in 2008 titled “Possibility of an earthquake in Port-au-Prince” where a former professor at the Geological Institute of Havana, Patrick Charles is quoted, stating that “conditions are ripe for major seismic activity in Port-au-Prince. The inhabitants of the Haitian capital need to prepare themselves for an event which will inevitably occur...”

While I feel for the Haitian people, I have to ask myself the question, how equipped is my own country, Jamaica, to deal with a catastrophe of this magnitude. Is there a disaster plan and if so, how many people know about the plan or is it sitting on a shelf in someone’s office gathering dust? I have thought about what would have happened if it happened in Kingston instead of Port-au-Prince. I would have been at home, but if not for being on leave, I would have been at work. How safe is the building I work in? How would I get in touch with my relatives if communications were down? What would happen to the water supplies, the ability of our medical facilities to cope?

These are real concerns as Jamaica is at risk for earthquakes. There are several small ones every year. Are we due a big one? The fault that caused the earthquake in Haiti runs through Jamaica as well. The irony of it all is that week is being celebrated as Earthquake Awareness week, here in Jamaica. We all are aware now, so I hope that we are doing what needs to be done to prepare, just in case.

http://www.haitixchange.com/index.php/hx/Articles/possibilty-of-earthquake-in-port-au-prince/

After the worst of the chickenpox

2010-01-11T11:16:00.000-08:00

I am slowly immersing myself back into the world outside the four walls of my apartment after getting the chicken pox and being under house arrest. It started with a necessary visit to my insurance broker followed by a visit to the supermarket. It is a lovely day outside.

Today is the first day of my vacation leave and I am supposed to be writing. I started two poems on the weekend but I have not written anything today as yet. There is still time. I, however, spent my time waiting at the insurance broker reading Natasha Trethewey. If I am going to write well I am going to have to read so the morning was not completely lost. It is so refreshing to read good poetry. Everyday words strung in just the right sequence can be so powerful. A description of the letters t and d in “Letter” makes you think about the alphabet in a whole different light. Letters (and not just words), now have meanings of their own.

I have a list of things I want to accomplish this year. I make one every year. There however, is never a post mortem of the list as the year comes to an end. There is, however, a general feeling almost always of not accomplishing enough of what I set out to do. With this in mind (and even though this general feeling of failure never extends to this particular thing), I have opted not to put “learn to swim” on my list this year.

The hardest lessons in life are the ones that you cannot read in a book, or watch played out in someone else’s life. The hardest lessons are the ones that you have to learn for yourself. This year, on my list, is “love what you have”. It is sometimes hard to see past what everyone else has and this is not so much about material things. It is about the things that you cannot see and touch, but you feel.

So I don’t have a lot of people. There is an explanation for that. I do not let people in easily. I forgive but it is very hard for me to forget so I can dismiss people easily and perhaps I have been dismissing more than I have been letting out the welcome mat. I hold everyone to perhaps an impossible standard and when someone falls short it is such a blow to my emotional state I do not put myself in that position willingly often.

I am learning (albeit) slowly to separate what people do/say intentionally or unintentionally, in the heat of the moment or not, from who they are. Everyone is just another human being trying to find his place in the world. This is not to say there are not people in the world that are just downright evil you can feel hell emanating from their pores, and those people you stay away from no matter what. Thankfully I have not come into contact with any of those.

It is another year, another journey. The continuing journey to 26, with a brief stop, hopefully, at the Calabash International Literary Festival in May as they celebrate 10 years (with other stops in between); the continuing journey to the finished manuscript and publication; the continuing journey in love. There is also the hope of a new journey to a new place in the fall where adventure and many ideas for more writing will await. Hopefully there will be no more doctors involved in the rest of my journey, this year. I am just about fed up waiting rooms, doctors’ offices, pharmacies that take forever to fill your prescription and I think my throat has started to rebel against all those pills I am now finding it hard to swallow. I shall, however, make this a journey full of light.

Chickenpox

2010-01-07T15:26:00.000-08:00

I have the chicken pox. Happy New Year to me! I managed to get through 25 ½ years of life before getting the chickenpox and then spend the first Monday of the New Year thinking the office is really, really cold; only to get home and realize I have a fever. On Tuesday, I got lulled into a false sense of security as the fever went away only to return during the night with the blisters starting to appear.

So here I am on Thursday, after spending Wednesday morning waiting for the inevitable diagnosis; red, itchy and lacking sleep. I am trying not to scratch which is extremely difficult for me and right now I am covered in calamine lotion.

I wish the chickenpox was something you could just go to bed, sleep off and when you wake up it would be gone. However, it appears that it has to get worse before it gets better, so I wait. I suppose with a start like this, the year can only get better.

New Year's Eve

2009-12-31T07:35:00.000-08:00

Today is New Year’s Eve. It is time to pause and reflect on the year that was; the highlights, the low points, the lessons, the overcoming, the losses, the hits and misses.

Truth: the past year has been bittersweet. There were losses, not necessarily my own, that hit the core and made me reel in disbelief. There were more questions than answers and I have come to realize that if I do not have the answer right now, then I probably do not need it at that time. At the same time I was able to share in the success and happiness of others – christenings, birthdays, weddings and bridal showers, book launches and readings, anniversaries and award ceremonies. I had my own success as well. One of my poems will be in an anthology next year with the likes of Derek Walcott and Robert Pinsky and that more than made up for my disappointment with the judging of the JCDC Creative Writing Competition. I accept my award and do not think my work any more deserving of the award it received but I do not agree with some of the awards received by others. I do not care if it makes me seem “badmine” but those are my feelings, as well as, others. I will therefore have to think long and hard about whether I should put entering on my “to do” list for next year.

I had a wisdom tooth removed (the pain after is no fun). Had my run in with the insurance company (again not fun). Started and quit therapy. Had a run in with a most unhelpful bank teller which made me decide to close my account at that particular branch of the bank. Upside, I went to another branch of the same bank and got service with a smile. It would be remiss of me not to include my interaction with Ms. Parkin two weeks ago which made me realize how much I appreciate and how much we should all appreciate older folk.

My appreciation of the fact that we are only sure of the moment we are in at the time was increased. I cannot remember Valentine’s Day, I think I cooked, but all 365 have been Valentine’s Day for me.

I turned 25 this year and am trying to enjoy the journey and not think too much about the destination. I had many “invisible” days both the ones where I felt I was invisible and the ones where I wished I was invisible. I am, however, blessed with good friends, family and a wonderful significant other. I could not have made it through the year without them even if they drive you up the wall sometimes.

It has also been a year of forgiveness. Learning to forgive others; but more importantly myself. The lesson continues.

At the end of 2009, it appears that 2010 will be filled with challenges not for the faint heartened. Increased consumption taxes, potential job loss, trying to find the money to pay for school and to keep everything afloat while I am there. I have faith though, that everything will be ok. Perhaps it will not be how I wish it would be, but it will be ok.

Late in the year I adopted as my mantra “Focus on were you want to go not where you are now.” With this in mind I have decided once and for all to finish my book and get it out to publishers before April. I will start a company, even if it is in name only to begin with. I will love what I have, be less judgemental and be kinder to myself. I will exercise but most importantly, I will be grateful.