Too Much To Say

People that should be paid more money.

2014-06-23T07:17:00.001-07:00

There are a lot of people out here making a lot of money. Bankers, rappers, Donald Trump. Does everyone who is making a ton of money deserve to be? I think there can be a case made. But, are there people out here not making enough money for what it is they do? Damn right, and here is a short list of them.

1. Pilots.
Man, come on. Pilots? Pilots need more money. Every single time they land, they are saving your life. Every time they take a plane from the air, not throw it into a tail spin that leads to a fiery crash over the woods of Kentucky, land that plane with a couple hundred people on it? Saving lives. These people, sometimes, sometimes not, are making about a hundred grand a year. A hundred grand. A year. To save lives every day. Now, some will say, 'How is landing saving lives? It's them doing their jobs.' Sure, one way to look at it. If someone in a restaurant makes you a great burger, that is them doing their job. If they forget to put pickles on it, you are not in a tube that is about to explode on impact. You see what I'm saying? Pay these damn people more.

"A hundred and forty hours in two weeks... two thousand dollars. Do I fly a chain restaurant?"

2. Truck Drivers.
Wooooaaaaaaa, truck drivers. Truck drivers have had jokes made about them for years. People say they are stupid, useless, fat, ugly, that they kill hookers. Haven't heard those things? Well, you would if you came to my house! Boom! Kidding. We can agree though that they are not looked upon as high level humans. BUT, without truck drivers, we pretty much wouldn't have nothing! Where does produce in the stores come from? How does your iPad make it to your nearest Apple mirrored funhouse? A fat, hooker killing truck driver drove it in. Okay, no more jokes about them being awful. They are great. They bring us everything we need. And how much do they make for this? Not too much. Around fifty grand a year. Fifty grand a year, to bring us things we can't live without! AND, they have to drive hours and hours, not sleep enough, not enough good food on the road, AND they don't get paid well, AND we don't respect them. Absolutely insane. More money to these people.

"My truck is full of food I have to deliver, but I can't afford anything on this menu. That's it. The Texarcana 'Shop And Save is going to be missing some oranges."

3. Cops.
Yes, all rappers hate them. Rappers hate them, which makes kids and white people in their 20's who refuse to mature at all hate them as well.
"Yo, fuck the cops."
"Why? You're a white guy from a suburb. They hurt you in any way?"
"Yeah. One time I was drinking in the woods underage and they took my Colt 45. Fuck these damn cops."
Cops are very necessary. There are for sure some bad cops. But that shouldn't make us hate them all. When we hear about serial killers, or baby eaters, or rapists, who goes after these people? You? A person who likes snap back hats and rolled cuffs on their jeans? You gonna hunt down the baby eating rapists? You gonna throw on one of the capes that Cam'ron made and hit the streets? Doubt it. Cops do. Cops in NY start at about thirty grand a year. After years, they can make around ninety grand a year. Ninety grand a year. To get shot at, stop a guy from cutting his wife's head off, be the first into a house where a child was just ripped in half, AND have everyone hate them. Cops need more money, man.

"Jesus! Yesterday a meth head with a knife, today a boa constrictor? And I can't afford to take the kids to Florida. What the hell?!"

4. McDonald's Employees working night shift.
How in the HELL do people who work at McDonalds from seven am to four pm make as much money as these heros who work from ten pm to five am? HOW? One has a busy shift, and the other has a busy shift while basically being on fire. Saying day shift should make as much as night shift is like saying whoever made the website for the marines should be paid as much as a goddamn marine who goes to war. We ever hear of danger pay? That's what the night shift McDoanlds people should get. Ninety percent of their shift is dealing with people who are too drunk to be anywhere else.
"Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. You're too drunk for this place. "
"Whatever. I'm not too drunk for McDonald's. I'll go over there and fight someone for a McFlurry."
McDonald's fight videos are almost always at night. People getting dragged out of the drive thru, getting swung at our a cash register, having people drive through the front window. And THEY don't make more money? Come on! A guy coming in at eleven am might fight you, but a guy coming in at two am tweaking on vodka and female rejection? He might bite you. You should be paid more for that.

"You make HOW much? Ohhhh, man. You need to get paid more for the pain I'm about to cause you."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

A key gave up.

2014-06-16T07:14:00.001-07:00

A key on my computer just stopped working. Just straight gave up. Why? Did I spi something? Nope. This dude, this azy ass key just stopped coming to work.
"Yo, , we NEED you, man. You know how many words we can't spe when you aren't here? ook! Right there! That sentence is messed up because of you. Get to work!"
"... Naw, man. I don't think I've been getting the respect I deserve. I'm out! And I'm not going to et you spe etter, ove, spi , a tercation, none of those! How does that fee ? Huh? How does that FEE !?"

Yep. That's the key. The key forme y known as here. The key. I'm going to keep writing without it because I have to. It gave up at a great time. I need to have three b ogs done before this month is done. He knows this. We've been doing it for a most three years now. Myse f and the man himse f, the key. This has made me think of something that's being going through my head for awhi e now.

I make things as hard as possib e on myse f. What do I mean? I mean this computer is over six years o d. Can I get another one? Yep. I cou d, but for whatever reason I just dea with things. I have an iPhone 3gs. Is it amazing? Of course it. The fact that this techno ogy was made in the first p ace is amazing. Has app e started to make phones that are faster? That work better? Yes. Cou d I get one? Yep. But, I make things hard for the sake of it. Now I'm not saying that that means to run out and buy every sing e new thing that app e puts out. But, it's not a ways the best idea to just dea with things. Sometimes it gets you here. No damn key.

Another examp e of making things hard? Recent y my mom bought me a uggage set. With whee s. Put my uggage in a bag with whee s for the first time. It was insane! I'm whee ing around the airport, just ki ing it! Why was this so insane? Because before this I was using a duff e bag. Duff e bag with no whee s. I was carrying my uggage through airports, for YEARS, as if this was 1979.
"Can I see your boarding pass, sir?"
"Is 'My Sharona' by The Knack the number one song of the year?"
"... That a joke?"
"... What year is this!?"
Whee s comp ete y b ew my mind! I'm ro ing a over the p ace, just osing my mind!
"Why in the he did I not have these before?! Why have I been CARRYING a bag a this time! I don't have to do this?! I NEVER had to. I'm wa king through the airport ike a wrest er from the 80's. ove those guys, but MAN."
I cou d have gotten uggage. I shou d have. I trave enough to have whee s. Whee s! But why didn't I have them? I kept saying that I cou dn't afford uggage, or that I didn't need whee s. Now, you don't NEED whee s, but man! Makes things much simp er in the airport. I can now whee my bag through security. I used to put my duff e bag on the ground, and kick it through. Used to just boot it out in front of me. Kicking a damn bag in front of other humans. KICKING my things across an airport f oor.
"Step forward, p ease."
(Soccer kicks be ongings forward.)
"Woooooo! I'm rea y iving, here! Kicking my stuff! How you guys, iving? Kicking my stuff!"

Even on- ine I make things hard. I refused to get twitter for the first coup e of years. I don't rea y have a great reason as to why. Just refused. Makes it hard to stay in touch with peop e after shows and such. It's va uab e. Instagram? I signed up for it two days ago! Peop e have had it for years. Te ing me that I shou d have it. Wou dn't. And now that I have it, I ike it more than twitter! The videos on it are just fun to make. Peop e have come up to me after shows and asked if I had it. Didn't. Did they fo ow me? How cou d they! Another way to just make things harder and fight things that make existence a bit easier.

I make things hard as we by thinking that everything is going wrong. I usua y ive with that perspective of what I'm doing. Terrib e thing to do that just impedes progress. I don't rea y take any credit for where I've gotten. I'm getting better with it, though. I'm going to get fixing this button. The whee s have inspired me. The next b og wi have every etter in it, and ife wi be a itt e easier.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Talking to my younger self.

2014-05-31T08:07:00.000-07:00

I hear people every once in awhile say hat they would say to their younger self if they could. Most times it has to do with going to college, or buying some stock in a super rich company, or telling themselves that algebra is useless. I thought about it, and here are a couple things I'd tell my younger self.

- Playing all this Goldeneye is WORTH IT. Its a great game, great times, and it goes down as one of the best games ever. Every once in awhile someone will bring it up in conversation.
"Man, Goldeneye was great! What a great game!"
You will be apart of that conversation. Skip school, put that difficulty on 00 agent, and remember, grade six and seven aren't really important. You ain't missing nothing. Nobody will EVER ask you if you remember the cheat codes for grade six. Or if you got passed that level in grade seven. I'm dead serious. NEVER.

"Oh, buddy. You're gonna regret me not going to school today."

- Keeping with the theme of video games, you're never going to forget the 'big cheat' code for Turok: Dinosaur Hunter. No, I'm serious. You're going to forget your moms birthday at some point, a girlfriends, but the big cheat? NTHGTHDGDCRTDTRK. Never going anywhere. You'll be in front of the internet one day and not use it to find this! For whatever reason, this damn thing stays with you. You'll even remember what it means. 'On The Eighth Day God Created Turok.' Why the hell does this stay with you?! I don't know, tiny Nathan, but it does.

"I really should have worn a shirt. It looks like it's going to rain crayons."

- Everyone who is a decent human being will one day LOVE your red hair. And better yet, you will. Yes, right now, in grade two, it sucks. These people are dummies and need ANYTHING at all to tear apart. That, my tiny six year old friend, is you. But one day, those same people will think it's cool that you have different hair than the disgusting brown and black hair that they have. They'll realize that EVERYONE has brown and black hair. That sucks, yo! But by that time, who cares! Because you like it. People will actually DYE their hair red! Can you believe it? People hated it so much, then tried to get it. And when that happens, when a girl walks up and says, 'I have red hair too!', and it's this bright, radioactive type red, you get to say, 'that ain't red hair!'

"I was in a chemical explosion in a candy factory. My superpower? Having a hair colour that makes no sense at all. I call it 'Wet Box of NeRdS. Look it up. It's how Mr. Wonka spells it."

- 'Talking back' to teachers, (their terminology), is a goddamn good thing. These people are not Czars. They are not above questioning. They are teachers and should be ASKED QUESTIONS. They use the term 'talking back' when they simply DO NOT want to deal with you. If you are a student they like, or they can answer your question with ease, then you are not 'talking back'. You are just being a student. If they don't like you, or don't want to deal with your question? YOU, sir, are 'talking back'. 'Talking back' gets you sent to the office, suspended, expelled, and one day, one of the most favourite things you will own is an expulsion letter written with nothing but lies. Talk back, son!

"You. Ask me again why I'm holding this tiny satellite thing one more time, and I'm going to beat you with it. Clear? Now shut up and learn."

- Hey, five year old Nathan, don't go into that tree house! You fall out of it, land on a ladder directly on your business, have the worst pain you've ever felt and then pass out. When you wake up, you're naked from the waist down with your mom and a doctor staring at you. The doctor says something about you may not being able to have kids in the future, then makes you run from wall to wall in the room naked to show your mom you'll be fine. Can you have kids? I don't know! Older you hasn't checked that out yet. STAY OUTTA THAT TREEHOUSE!

"Can he have kids? I don't know. Will he forget me making him run naked? Never!"

- The best job you'll have is the job you wanted the least. Working at a fast food restaurant. You'll look back on that place twelve years later and go, 'boom! Great job! All the people there were great! WAY better than working at that call center. Now THAT was trash.' So, don't think you're above the job. Just take it and enjoy. It was a sweet one.

This is the actual A&W that I worked at when I was 16. I stole a bunch of chicken from this place.

- Working at that call center will be TRASH. You're going to work there for two months, call in sick four of the five shifts you have a week, and fake sick on that fifth day. BUT, you're going to walk out one day with a friend of yours. You're going to hang up on people and send them to spanish care. It's a sweet day that you need to experience. TAKE THAT TRASH JOB!

"Hey! Nobody working in a call center smiles like this. If you see someone doing it, it's because they're about to kill themselves, or quit! I'm a paid actor. YOU WILL NOT HAVE FUN HERE!"

twitter @nathanmacintosh

Holding yourself back.

2014-05-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

I believe a lot of us are guilty of this. I am. I almost stop myself from writing and putting out these blogs every time. Would it really matter if I did? Yes and no. The world itself wouldn't mind too much. That's not a sad statement, just is. But I would be upset with myself. Because I stopped myself from putting out something that I wanted to put out. I stopped myself from creating something because of what others would think, not think, what's been done before. So on and so on. It would matter to me if I didn't, because it would hurt knowing that I held myself back from doing it for whatever reason.

A lot of people want to create something. A lot do, but even more stop themselves. Why? One reason, fear that it won't be any good. That one doesn't make too much sense, because the thing you're doing probably won't be good right away. That is just a given. It's supposed to be bad. But should you not do it for that reason? No. If everyone did that, we'd have nothing. We probably wouldn't even have chairs.
"I'm thinking of building this thing for people to sit on. I don't know, though. It might not work."
"Yeah. don't even bother."
"You're right. I don't want to make something that breaks. Or worse, something that NO ONE uses. Let's go do nothing ever and not try."
People who create things have doubts about it as well, but they still put in the effort to do it.

Some people stop themselves out of fear about how what they are creating will be perceived. Just put out what you want to put out. At some point I'm sure people told George Lucas that Star Wars sounded like an awful idea. There might have even been a point where it sounded dumb to him.
"What the hell was that thought I just had? A guy with a microwave on his chest is the father of some other wiener? And there's a big ape thing, and some weird robots that have a very strange relationship to each other? Am I going crazy?! People are not gonna want to see this! Well, I'll write it anyway and see what happens."
You just do it. You just start doing it. The people you've created in your head who may or may not like this probably don't exist. Who are they? Who are these people that are waiting for you to create something that they can destroy? You're probably making them up!
"People are going to hate this thing I want to make."
"What people? Where?"
"The people! The people out there! The people that also have doubts about their own lives! They're gonna hate me!"

Seems to be the difference between people who create and people who don't is trying. Just trying and doing. The difference between an author and someone who wants to write a book, is that the author did. That's really it. They started and kept writing. Were the first things they wrote good? Probably not. But they kept doing it, and now they have a book or books. They tried. If you are someone who wants to write books and doesn't, are the people who do some sort of mystic creatures who have a power to churn out a book without thinking about it? Could be true. More realistically they work at it a ton. Either way, no matter how they do what they do, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't do what you want to do.

People also hold themselves back by comparing themselves to others. By looking at what another human has, wanting it, and for some reason thinking that person is either more deserving, or because they have it you can never have it or do it or be it.
"Ah, god. Look. That person has exactly what I want with my life. And they have it NOW. I'll never have it."
"Why not?"
"Um, duh. Because THEY have it. How can TWO people both be video game developers in that company at the same time?"
"They have hundreds of developers."
"Geez, way to make me feel worse!"
It doesn't matter what other people are doing. Other people being successful does not mean that you can't be. Thinking that's true is just holding yourself back.

There are many ways one can hold themselves back. Not thinking they're worthy. Not thinking they are talented/beautiful/smart enough. Whatever the case may be. But you have to fight that.
"I can't do what? Suck me, brain! I'm doing it!"
'Suck me, brain!' is not for everybody. You can come up with your own phrase. May I suggest 'blow me, bud'? Or, 'Yo, go down on me, frontal lobe!'? Whichever one you feel comfortable with. Don't hold yourself back!

Godzilla.

2014-05-17T12:00:00.001-07:00

I waited for awhile to see this movie. The first few trailers made it look like it was going to be a serious take on Godzilla. I avoided all trailers after that. I didn't want to see what Godzilla looked like before I saw it. A couple days before the release, Youtube made that hard, running a banner on their homepage that had Godzilla screaming in your face. Okay, well, it's just his face. Go to see the movie. Sitting there, before the previews, there is a Fiat commercial. And who is the celebrity they get to sell this thing? You guessed it. Godzilla himself. In full form! He eats a Fiat, chokes on it, dies, and the car drives out of his face. So before the movie, right before it, Godzilla is no longer a surprise because he's selling me a Fiat. I don't even understand that marketing.
"Looking for a new car. Something that is tiny enough to fit in a monsters mouth, but wide enough to get stuck in his throat and kill him, then small enough to drive out of his mouth when he dies."
"Have you heard of the ... Fiat?"
"I have. I thought that was just for Italy. Or clowns. Or Italians clowns."
"Nope. It's for ANYONE who wishes their cubicle had wheels."
"... Did you just call the Fiat a cubicle with wheels?"
"Did I just knock two hundred dollars off the sticker price?"
"I'll take it!"

The movie starts. Here comes Bryan Cranston. Love this man. For most of this movie he looks like Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire before he becomes Mrs. Doubtfire. That's what I kept thinking, anyway.
"Maybe when Godzilla shows up, he'll dress up as a nanny to stop him. WHEN Godzilla shows up. Wait a minute, where the hell is Godzilla?"
Godzilla, as only the King of the Monsters can, shows up later. A bunch later. Like a whole episode of The Wire later. What comes before him? Some other monsters. Which I thought was great! A thing you think is going to be Godzilla, turns out to be another monster that is here to murder. Pretty cool. One strange thing to me is that the trailers were sort of misleading in that regard. Godzilla was the prominent one in the trailers. I had no idea there were other monsters. Which is cool. I suppose the studio wanted to keep that a secret, but it's a little sad when you want to see some Godzilla smashing and hurting things.

Why is it sad? Because Godzilla ain't here to destroy. Godzilla is here to protect. Even thought years ago the United States dropped nukes on him and tried to kill him, Godzilla waits in the earths core until another monster appears, then he wakes up and smashes that monster. He's a detective in a way. He's a giant, underwater Batman here to restore order.
"Swear to me!"
"What did you just say, Godzilla?"
"... Rooooaaaarrr!"
And what's sort of strange, is that even though Godzilla comes out of the ocean to protect earth, to stop these monsters because he is the only one that can, the United States Army is STILL trying to kill him! They are shooting him, throwing missiles at him. Tanks are unloading in his face. Friendly fire, guys. Just because he's not wearing an American flag does not mean he's against you. Godzilla's got a lot to deal with. Two monsters that want him dead, and the American military that know he's there to help but still want to fire their guns. I'm sure at points Godzilla wishes he could speak english.
"Jesus, can you not see I'm fighting two giant beats that feed on nuclear energy? Do you REALLY think it helps me when you shoot me with that AR-15? I'm too big to even feel it! It's just annoying. Do you WANT to have an earth anymore? I can go back in the ocean and pretend I didn't hear these monsters. Is that what you want? Huh? Then stop shooting me!"
"Sir! Sorry, Godzilla, sir! You're just big and scary and I have an automatic weapon, sir!"
"Hey, man. I get it. You think it's easy for me in this body? There's NOTHING for me to have sex with. Let's just work together here, okay?"
I do like this movie. It was fun for what it is. I do have a couple of thoughts, though.

I think movies have to find a better motivator for a man than his wife dying. We get it. At one point in time, your wife dying was the worst thing that could happen. But now? The divorce rate is fifty percent. There's no way that men can still be driven to such things when they're wife dies. Bryan Cranston in this movie spends fifteen years trying to figure out exactly what happened to his wife. Fifteen years! And he's still passionate about it! I can believe in Godzilla more than I can that. Had his wife not have died in the movie, stats say they might have gotten a divorce on screen anyway.
"Woa, honey. Look at the news. There's a monster coming out of the ocean!"
"Look at the news? Look at the garbage! I asked you to take this out two days ago!"
"God dammit. Again with this garbage nonsense? There's a earth beast coming to eat us!"
"I'll tell you what it won't be eating. Dinner. In this house. Because there's no point in making it! Not if there's no place to throw out the leftovers."
"What in the hell does THAT mean?"
"It means the garbage is full, and you NEVER finish what I make anyway, so I'll have to throw it out, but where? Where 'radiation master' of Japan? Tell me that!"
"You've always resented that I got this job in Japan. Well tough fortune cookies, honey. It puts food on the table!"
"I don't even think these people are japanese! They speak english better than we do with very minimal japanese accents."
"DON'T TALK ABOUT MY CO-WORKERS LIKE THAT! They are strong, hard working people who I can speak fluent english with in their native country and then throw in some japanese words whenever I want!"
"I want a strong, hard working divorce!"
"Fine!"
In the movies, you kill a mans wife, he'll go to the ends of the earth to find you. In real life, you kill a mans wife, good chance he's remarried or at least moved on within three years.

I also like that there's a scene where Godzilla is fighting a monster, and you can clearly see people in an office working. That's how rough these office jobs are. Whole city has been evacuated, and the President of some company won't let his employees leave.
"We have to evacuate!"
"Evacuate my bag. We have to finish this merger."
"There's monsters outside!"
"Outside? There's monsters at the ground level that want my job! I didn't get to this position by running away every time a little 'state of emergency' was issued. Get accounting on the phone. And order chinese! We're gonna be here as long as it takes."

Also, why do monsters in monster movies always want to have kids? There can't just be monsters that want to destroy? It happens in horror movies. Jason Vorhees isn't trying to have kids. Michael Myers will just kill a kid. In movies dedicated to monsters though, that's usually the reason. Reason can't just be that they are monsters? We gotta give them a human element? Most humans in North America now don't even want to have kids. The movie should be people trying to convince the monsters why that's a bad idea.
"Kids? Are you giant things serious? Think about all the free time you'll lose. You won't just be able to fly from here to Japan anymore if you have kids to worry about. And you can FORGET having a social life. Just forget it. Right now I can literally do whatever I want. Why? No kids! Think about it. And please don't eat or kill me."
Or maybe that was the point of the movie. To show that people who want to have lots of kids are monsters.

Again, I had fun with this movie. It's not as serious as the first trailers let on I don't think, but if you see it in the theatre you'll have a good time. I wish it had had some more Godzilla, but hey, I'm still doing alright.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Family fights!

2014-04-30T10:45:00.002-07:00

I was home for a couple days and went to visit family. I'm not one of the people who has a perfect family. I'm not sure anyone does, but now I really just consider a family perfect if they don't fight during a meal at Denny's. You can sit down with people you've known since you were young, watch them eat pancakes and not bring up some event that happened ten years ago? Well sir, you are part of a perfect thing in my eyes.

Personally, I don't have that perfect family. There are a lot of fights about a lot of things. Things happening right now. Things that happened in the past. Things that haven't happened but should still be argued about incase they were to happen. It's pretty much a constant over the last few years. And really, I don't know what there is to be done about it. Not sure you can ever just sit down and say what has really gone wrong over your lifetime. What has happened to make people react the way they do in certain situations. That doesn't seem like an option.

It seems everyone says that their family is messed up. Everyone says that their family is crazy, or insane, or that they don't get along. What's strange to me, is if this is true, why when a non perfect family does argue in a diner over some omelettes, do the people around them get so strange? Why do they get tense, and talk about that family as if they are crazy? If everyone's family is nuts, is it REALLY that big a deal?

In public, people put on a front. People walk around showing others that THEY are normal.
"Look, we've got it together. Even though we were just screaming at each other over an iPad, we need to show that we are not those type of people. So, here we are. Walking and not talking to each other because we're pissed, but you can't tell that!"
For some reason, we all decided years ago that when we are in public, around other people who are messed up, we were going to show them that we are not.

Even seeing other families argue, we pretend as if what they are doing is nuts. People get tense, start pointing or secretly talking to each other.
"Look, look, look. Not right now! They're looking. Behind you. You hear that? They're arguing about some cousin in their family whose a piece of trash. Just like we've done a bunch of times. What a bunch of nuts. Arguing in public like just about everyone ends up doing at some point in time. Glad I'm not them, even though I am."
Why did we all decide this rule that we have to look perfect or totally put together for people we don't even know? Do we REALLY care what an usher at a movie theatre thinks of us? Does it REALLY matter if the person at the B

We should allow it to happen. We should cheer it on. We should encourage it because we are all going to be there and have been there.
"Yeah, scream at that kid! I was just yelling at mine the other day, and I'll be doing it again soon. Good for you for letting it out!"

We shouldn't go out of our way to fight in public, but if it happens, and when it does the rest of us shouldn't act like we can't believe that it's happening. As if we have no idea why a mother and daughter would get mad at each other. Or why a family driving across country will pull into a gas station just screaming at each other. Why would that happen? We know damn well why! Because sometimes people you are close to make you angrier than anything else ever could. Traffic can never make you as angry as a family member could. Imagine if the cars in front of you were members of your family just beaking at you.
Honk! Honk!
"Come on, move it!"
"Move it? Really? You're going to talk to your mother like that? After all I've done for you?"
"Well what are you doing in the middle of the street?"
"Ah, again. Never 'nice to see you, mom', 'I've missed you, mom', just anger all the time."
"I'm gonna lose my mind!"

What's really crazy, is we all pretend that arguing is weird, but when any of us run into a family that doesn't argue at all, we think they are the craziest people of all. Are they a part of a cult? Did they have a lobotomy when they were kids? How the hell do you never fight with people you've been around your whole life!
"Myself and my family never argue. We come to logical conclusions about our disagreements over tea and cookies."
"Alright, Dahmer. I'm not sleeping here tonight."

When you see a family arguing in public, don't look at them as if they're insane. Just be thankful that currently it isn't you, because you know that day is coming around again.

Make it a blog night.

2014-04-26T06:23:00.003-07:00

NetFlix, along with some other things, completely destroyed BlockBuster. Took it and threw it in the gutter. We all rejoiced. We all think this is the greatest. BlockBuster treated us bad! It made us pay late fees, and then even when they stopped doing that, they made us buy whatever we had taken from them. When BlockBuster went under, people came out of everywhere saying how terrible they always thought it was. When it was around? Late fees aside, people didn't have too much bad to say. For me, I think I miss BlockBuster and the movie stores.

One reason is, I like the idea of leaving the house to get something. Leaving our houses for things, most things, was something that was just a given even a few years ago. Movies for sure. Doesn't anyone else miss that? Why lock ourselves in with movies like there's a zombie apocalypse outside.
"Hey, call that restaurant, order some food, and gear up seven hours of television. If I leave my house this weekend..."
"Is something bad happening out there? Murderers? Pilferers?!"
"No, I just don't want to go anywhere."
Soon we'll all just be locked in with products coming to our door. There are services now that will deliver groceries. Groceries! 'Don't you hate buying things that keep you alive? Well, don't! Well, do!.. but WE'LL get them to you!' That will how you'll be able to know if someone is old.
"Back in my day, we had to leave our houses sometimes to get things, and we liked it!"
"Ugh, gross! Grandpa used to go outside. How OLD are you?"

Renting movies at BlockBuster, we watched them as well. No matter how bad they were, we watched them. We had too! It took time to go rent them. Had to drive, walk, crawl. However you got there. But it took time. Had to walk through the store, had to wait in line to rent it. THEN, get home all over again. So, no matter what, you watched what you rented. Now? There's no work involved, so there's no guilt at all with shutting something off. I've shut movies off on NetFlix because I didn't like the font of the credits.
"Italics? This is gonna be bad. Goodbye forever, movie! No more chances for you."
Shut them off for nothing! The directors name is Geoff? Spell it the real way, idiot. I'm out. Having NetFlix is having a license to walk out of movies at any and all times.

BlockBuster didn't just throw movies out of the store without telling you. NetFlix just takes movies down for no reason. No warning at all. One night you start 'Drive', the next night you try to finish it, and bam! NetFlix decided that you don't need to. Why? How? It's Drive! It's a newer movie! Sometimes they let you know they're going to be taking movies down. They put a bunch of horror movies up specifically for halloween. Well, you would think. The movies say 'posted until Oct 26th'. 26th! Do you know when Halloween is, Netflix? Are holidays different in your company?
"I never liked where Christmas was. It's right in the middle of winter! Nope. Around here, July 14th. That's when WE'LL do Christmas."
"But, sir! That's insane! You can't just change a holiday!"
"I can change your job status, from employed to fired!"
"July 14th it is, sir! I can almost hear the chestnuts roasting on an open beach barbeque pit."

Doesn't anyone miss stealing movies? Stealing a movie from a movie store. Actually having a hard copy of a movie and never giving it back?

"This is due back by Tuesday, sir."

"Oh, man. I will NEVER be back here again."

"... Okay, well, Wednesday then."

It was great stealing their movies! Looking at it in your house, it having a BlockBuster sticker on it. The movie, no matter what it was, was better to watch knowing that you weren't supposed to own it.

"Yo, you want to watch 'Sudden Death'?"

"You mean, BlockBuster videos 'Sudden Death'?"

"Hell yeah!" (Spin high five while jumping over a bowl of popcorn)

With BlockBuster I liked that you could find movies. Now you have to know the name of a movie you don't know to find it. You can't just come across everything that NetFlix has. NetFlix doesn't have every movie listed in their menus. The menus don't show all the movies, so if you don't know the name of something, you will not just stumble upon it. Blockbuster was never hiding movies in the back until you could guess their names.
"Do you have a movie starring this guy.. you know the guy... looks like a gremlin? And there's a big car chase in it?'
"Oh, I know what you mean. But until you tell me the name, I tell you nothing."
"But I don't know the name? Can I just walk around looking for it?"
"No. No you can't. It's invisible, until you TELL ME IT'S NAME!"

BlockBuster for sure did some things we didn't like. Late fees pretty much being the worst. But they were open on Christmas, had video games and candy, and were fun to walk through. But, like McDonald's pizza, they are gone forever.

Problem with technology.

2014-04-15T07:53:00.002-07:00

Technology is great, obviously. But now that we can do everything quick and easy, it's freed up more time for us to complain and be offended by every little thing. To be upset about everything from movies to jokes on shows. To blogs... like this one.

We did not used to be offended by everything that we saw. Not every little thing made us write letters. Not every slip up from a celebrity made us lose our minds, forget our kids at the mall and just start screaming. I don't remember people sitting around being offended at every little thing in the past. Why? Because it took a lot of work to get people to hear you. You had to make signs, you had to march, you had to actually call or email people. You couldn't just type some characters into twitter, you had to put in actual work.
"I'm very offended by what they are saying on this news program. But how do I let them know? I could write a letter. But then I have to actually go mail it. I could get a petition signed. That takes a lot of work. I could march in front of the building? Man, I'd need to get so many people together for that. Well, I guess that's it then. I'll call a friend and tell them."

Now with technology, it's much easier to be offended. Or at least, easier for the people who are offended to be heard. But a lot of people understand that not everything on this planet is for them. They don't always scream that the entire world is wrong, that everything is not up to par because they don't like something. If you are offended by things your rents probably paid. People who haven't figured that out yet are not worried to much by questionable jokes in sitcoms.
"What'd they just say about Latino's? Wow, that was... huh, a past due notice. Priority number one has reared it's ugly head once again."

Also, why do people feel they are above being offended? Who are you that you will walk this earth and never ever be offended? Nobody is above that. Everyone gets offended by things they see and hear, or has the ability to at least.

We didn't use to be offended by every thing so quick for one because we weren't directly in front of all media all the time. It wasn't so easy before.
"Did you see what some celebrity said on some show about a topic that doesn't mean anything anyway?"
"No. I was out and not near a TV."
"Okay, well I taped it. Whenever you're done fighting to get done the things it takes us time to do, come over and we'll fire it up."
You used to have to have a newspaper, be home, or be in a bar with a TV on to see something that happened. Now, it's right in your pocket. The second it happens. Another thing bad about that? People will post it as if they are CNN.
"Guys, breaking news! A car just crashed!"
Are you Dan Rather? Peter Mansbridge? Nobody is looking at your page for the news. Your tagline says, 'I'm a guy that likes cats, and tits, and cats with tits.' You are not a credible news source. Also, why the hell did people start deciding that when something is posted it's THEIR job to break it to the world? It's already been broken! That's why YOU know about it! You weren't the reporter, you weren't in that grocery store where a man threw up in a box of Cheerio's and closed the box back up. You basically plagiarized a story. You gotta re-break it? YOU'RE the definitive story breaker?
"Apparently a building just blew up! Saw it on Fox!"
"Let me check Terry's page... Yep, Terry just said a building blew up. It happened for sure."

You can tweet, blog, text a person, comment on something while you're on the bus. You can do ALL of those things before your stop. And are you offended? Of course you are! Because you have a device in your hand that let's you INSTANTLY tell people that you are! About everything! Signs, how a mother disciplined her own goddamn kid, a joke about black people that wouldn't offend black people but you are offended because you THINK they would be, who knows! It's a big world out there, and it's time to be offended by it. And why walk around looking for the good? Keep your feelers up constantly for the wrong. This roller coaster WOULD be fun, if it wasn't called 'Coal Miners'. God, doesn't this park know that coal mining is a very tough job? That one of your uncles was a coal miner and his lungs were full of so much black soot that they had to remove it and when they did it exploded in his face, filling his other lung with black soot? Let that park know the wrong they've done!

That just shows that we all have nothing to talk about but the technology in our hands to say and post it constantly. We have nothing to say, and all the time and technology in the world to say it. Why do I think that we don't have anything to say? Because we don't take any time before the last thing we said and the next to really think about anything. We are just reacting to things and posting them for content. At one point in time, people spoke and had opinions that HAD content. Now, these things are simply for content. Just so that we have things online. So that we let people who really don't care know what we think about things that don't matter.

What I'm not sure on, is where this all leads? Are we all supposed to be pod people who think and feel one specific way? Are we trying to cut out all 'negative' so people don't feel anymore? What is the end game! Where the hell are we going!? Do we all have to think they same? Do we all have to feel the same? Just because you're offended by something doesn't mean that everyone is. And if someone says something that offends you, it doesn't mean that all people that look like that person think the same offensive things! You know? Maybe it's just an isolated incident? Maybe it's just ONE person at that company that feels that way, not the whole company who you think should be lynched and burned at the same time. Maybe it's just A FEW white people that feel a certain way, not the whole goddamn race and everyone in it.

twitter @nathanmacintosh

Be the person you're supposed to be.

2014-03-31T11:47:00.002-07:00

There comes a time in everyone's life where you start to look around and realize that something is wrong. Is something actually wrong? Maybe, maybe not. But you WILL look around and start to question it. Are you doing what you want to be doing? Are you saying and doing the things you want to say and do? Have you made all of the wrong decisions? Who knows. But one things for sure, you will think about it. You'll start to think as well if you're being yourself. If there's something you are holding back. If you are living the way you want to live. Well, let this happen sooner than later.

Too many people wait a long time to fully start being themselves. Get to fifty, or sixty, and finally start living the way they've always wanted to live. Why not do it earlier? Because earlier, at a younger age, you are around people. "TERRIBLE", "SCARY" people, who will 'judge' you for everything you do and say. Will they actually? Hard to say. Some people WILL for sure. Others? You're probably just making it up out of fear. So, when we're younger, and in school or at jobs with people constantly around us, we put on fronts so as not to be judged. Then, when we're older, and around the least amount of people we've ever been around, we start being ourselves.
"Look at me! I'm eighty. Alone on my porch. And you know what? I ALWAYS thought the Stones were better than the Beatles. There, I said it. You hear me world! The STONES are better than the BEATLES!"

That's also the time when people start wearing what they want to wear. Not EVERYTHING calls for good clothes. You ever see someone at Wal-Mart and think what they're wearing is garbage?
"Woa. Look at that guy. Flip flops and a sleeveless 'Duck Dynasty' t-shirt. Are they crazy?"
Are you? It's Wal-Mart! It's a place where you can buy cookies AND pants. You can get your car fixed AND pick up diapers. THAT'S considered some sort of red carpet affair? No. Some of these people are criminals, sure, but most have reached a place where they don't care what you think of them. What you're wearing in a place like that shouldn't matter. In most places, really. I can't wait until people stop caring what others are wearing at award shows.
"Brad! You look so nice tonight. Who are you wearing?"
"Who I want. Blow me."
".... Well they make a nice suit."

School can be awful place for being yourself. It starts thoughts in us that we believe for way too long. Not only because people will bully you, which yes, can be terrible. More so because, people higher up don't instil enough to young people that THIS STUFF DON'T MATTER. You don't have the best jeans so people make fun of you? Don't matter! You're dating a person that some other loveless piece of garbage doesn't find attractive? Don't matter! That should be a full class in school. 'Don't Matter 101'.
"Hey, kids. Thanks for being here today. You'll notice I'm wearing just a speedo and a hockey helmet. Why? It don't matter. When a kid makes fun of wear you come from? Guess what? One day you'll BOTH be terrified about the prospect of dying. What they say don't matter. Somebody says your girlfriend or boyfriend is ugly? Guess what? One day you'll BOTH be wondering what the point of all this is. It don't matter. Your homework is to tell everyone to shove it."

What's nuts as well, is that when you start being the person you are supposed to be, you start wearing what you want to wear, when you walk the way you want to walk, people start saying you're crazy. When you step outside of the norm, people start saying that you are crazy, that you are going insane, that you are losing your mind.

"Are you NOT wearing a snap back hat? Wow. What are you nuts? We are ALL doing it. Why would you not do this? Why would you buy a peacoat that's NOT black? Look around you? EVERYONE is wearing a black one. Straighten up!"

Saying someone is 'crazy' is a very simple way of pretending to be cool, and dismissing someone. If you say they're 'crazy', you don't have to find out anything about them, why they do what they do, or what they think. In your mind, they're crazy, so who cares? Not you.

Most things we think are cool are made up anyway. Not in a weird negative way, but most things are fabricated to look cool, to make you look cool, or to make you feel that you should be doing whatever is going on to be cool, be considered cool, or whatever. You think what you're watching on TV has a group of cool, hip, fun people who want to be there? They are probably paid to do so! Dr. Phil's audience gets fifty bucks to sit there. I'm sure some of them want to be there anyway, but fifty bucks! Some women at clubs are paid to be there! You walk into a club, see a guy sitting there with four hot girls, and think, 'that guys awesome.' Those women are being paid! They're being paid so people like you think that place is awesome and you keep going back! You ever go into a place and think it's dead? It's probably because the manager of the club doesn't have the budget to pay the women to show up.

"Okay, we've installed your bar, DJ booth, and bathroom attendant. Now, let's talk money for these hot women that will dance here."

"Money? No, women will just show up, right? The really, really hot ones... right?"

"Stupidly hot women don't just DO anything. Where she goes, people follow. So what's her incentive to be here?"

"... Because this is the place to be?"

"Where SHE is is the place to be. When she's grocery shopping? THAT'S the place to be. Get your shit together, man."

Either way, be you. We're still having debates about whether or not someone lives in the sky. Wear the god damn hat if it makes you happy.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Fred Phelps died.

2014-03-23T09:08:00.001-07:00

This week, Fred Phelps, the head of the Westboro Baptist church passed away. What is the reaction? Everyone on twitter starts making snarky, gross tweets about how great that is. Such a glorious day when a man who got a family of people to make awful comments and signs about others can get a taste of his own medicine when he passes away. 'God Hates Phelps', 'Fags Killed Fred', or whatever else people want to post. Take that, Fred. Suck it, you old fag hater! Even though I understand people rejoicing in the fact that he's gone, what I don't fully understand is how hating a man who hated others stops or helps hate?

When people who Fred and his family thought were terrible died, they laughed, joked about it on-line and made gross signs to show the world. When a member of their family dies,we have decided to take some of those same tactics and send them their way. Laugh about it, joke on twitter and Facebook. Trying to come up with the snarkiest response we possibly can.
"Oh, Fred Phelps died? Here's a hilarious statement about that!"
Is it that funny? What are you putting into the earth here? Negative comments about a negative commenter? What does that prove?

This is not defending him or the Westboro baptist church, either. Not at all. What they believe and have said and done are really terrible, hateful things. It's interesting to me though that we solely see 'evil' people. There are documented cases of family members from that church breaking out, and starting their lives again. Changing the way that they think, act and live. Everything in that family was taught. They were not born believing what they do. The were systematically built to hate. It's interesting that when we don't like what someone says. we write them off as evil and broken. No way Fred didn't have some of this junk pumped into him as a kid. Interesting that there's no thought on our side to help these people. And we're supposed to be the loving, caring, excepting side. But when you do not think like us, well then your death is hilarious.

What I mean is that there are basically two sides here. Their side, the Westboro church side, and our side. Our side being any one who doesn't believe in what they do. Which, is a MUCH higher number of people. Their camp probably has one hundred people? Our side likes gay people, wants everyone to get along, and doesn't believe in hate. But, WE are in the right for using their tactics because we have more people on our side? If they had more followers, would what they do be okay?

"God Hates Fags? That's terrible."

"I thought so too, man, until I saw that they have millions of subscribers to their newsletter."

"Woa, millions? Huh. Yeah, god MUST hate fags! So many people believe it!"

Laughing at his death is the exact same thing as him laughing at other peoples deaths. Except that we think we are right for doing it, and he and his family thought they were right for doing it. That is really the only difference. We believe they're wrong, and they really believe that we are.

These people have gone wrong. They have been lead astray in a gross fashion. Isn't there any sympathy for that? If you are born into this life, behind a wall and with people who 'love' you around you telling you that god hates this and that, how would you turn out? You'd be a hero? You'd be able to stand up at ten and go, 'this is not right. You are all saying ridiculous things.' No.
And yes, the leader of this thing has passed away. But someone did this to him. This has been passed down for years. And is the curse broken now? Are the rest of the church going to wake up like pod people?
"Oh, wow. What the hell am I doing? Making a sign that says god hates fags? Why the hell am I doing this!? Last thing I remember was heading to school. I'll go back to that."

It will be nice one day when we can wish or hope for sick people who don't believe in the advancement of humanity can find the error in their ways instead of gloating, making jokes, and celebrating when they die. I just don't understand how hate beats hate. It makes us feel better in the short term, but long term there's got to be a better way. We are all held back when we hold onto anger and resentment for others. Also, it's way to easy to make jokes about people ESPECIALLY when you're saying the same things that they already said back to them.

Banning Words.

2014-03-12T15:03:00.002-07:00

Currently there is a campaign to 'Ban Bossy'. To ban the word bossy from existence because of it's effect on women in the work place. I do not have an aversion to this campaign because I have any problem with women, or feminism, or to people being marginalized. I have an aversion to the banning of words.

What I'm not clear on is why the move is to ban the word. A word hurts you, so we get rid of it? Why not move to have people be stronger? Can't we teach people to be tougher?
"That word hurts."
"Okay. It's gone. What have you learned?"
"... That... bad things... are always going to go away?"
As we al know, bad things will not go away. Bad or negative things are going to be out there and have to be fought all the time. Have to be avoided all the time. They will NOT just go away because you don't like them.
"Give me your money!"
"I ban you! I ban you to hell!"
".... Sure. Give me your money still."

Years ago teachers would tell kids that words don't hurt. Taught kids to not let them bother them. Remember 'Sticks and stones can break my bones but names can never hurt me?" What are we changing that to? "Sticks and stones may break my bones but if you call me a name I'll get a bunch of celebrities together to ban it out of existence forever!"
And 'bossy'? Out of all the things that women can be called. Bitch is a bad one. How about cunt! That ain't banned. You can't really say it, but it's a bad thing to call someone. Have they not tried to ban that because it's SUCH a bad word? That campaign would be weird.
"Hi. I'm Beyonce. And you know, I never liked being called a cunt. All day on twitter. 'You're a dumb cunt!' 'Go dance, cunt!' 'What did you do to the rest of the cunts from Destiny Child, cunt!' It's just too much. So, I would like this word banned. Let's 'Run-t Cunt' out of town."

I understand the meaning behind it. People call women bossy who have positions of power or want them, or are trying to get them. So some women hear that if they are in charge, the will be labeled bossy, and therefore are discouraged. But banning words is scary. And, it's not 'men' who call women bossy. It is 'idiots' who do. Idiots are saying these things. Idiots are the ones that say 'that's gay', idiots are the ones that are racist. Idiots are the ones that tell women to get back in the kitchen. If idiots say something, and we say it should be banned, are we not in some weird way giving power to idiots? We're saying that what they say is so strong, it shouldn't even be admissible in court. If you don't pay attention, take no heed, they have no power.

It is strange that there is a campaign to ban a word, while there could be a campaign with these strong, powerful women about being strong, powerful women. Instead of that, they ban a word.
"I'm Condoleezza Rice. I was called 'bossy' on my journey to where I am. I'm here to say, you will be called that as well, but DO NOT let it bother you. The people who are saying are afraid of you and the power that you have. Teach them that they should be by not paying attention to what they say about you."
Couldn't that be a bit more of what this campaign is? Banning words doesn't help other words from being said. Or different words that have the exact same affect. Teaching people to rise above the words and terms that could be thrown their way.

There is no way that they did not deal with criticism on the way up. Did they want those words banned then? Or those connotations? No. They fought past them. Now that they are on top, they want to tell other people to do it differently? It's strange.
"Ban these words that affected me on my rise."
"But you didn't ban them before?"
"No, you're right. I fought past them. I realized that I was stronger than them and forged ahead. But should other people be as strong as me? No. Because it's hard. Ban the word."

I am called a 'ginger' on a fairly regular basis. Few times a month somebody will say it in some way. I don't like it. Do I want it banned? No. I don't like being called it, but it's still here. People who call me that are not talking to me like a human being. They are talking to a 'ginger' in their eyes. Even though I don't like it, I would not ever want to ban it. You can't ban stupid. It's out there. Look out!

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Alec Baldwin quits public life!

2014-02-25T06:51:00.002-08:00

And it's our fault. We pushed him away. We have pushed away a ridiculously talented and funny man. Why? Because we NEED to see what he is up to at all hours. We need to see every move he makes. And we're never just happy with them 'walking' or 'eating', we like the explosions. This man has exploded, people watched, so now people keep trying to get him to explode. And he's out. Hope you like Stephen or Daniel Baldwin because that's what we've got now. Not to make fun of those guys, just saying.

Some celebrities would like to have somewhat of a normal life. We act as if celebrities are pieces of garbage for that.

"They're famous! They asked for people to take pictures of their children! They have decided to be picked on by people they'll never meet!"

I remember people in school who got picked on all the time would CHANGE SCHOOLS. That's the regular person equivalent of checking out of the spotlight. Everyone in this particular place hates you, goads you into things, talks about you constantly. So you go to another place where that may not happen. Where people don't think you're a 'stupid head' or whatever they have chosen to call you.

People think Alec is an animal for attacking cameramen. I think that MORE CELEBRITIES SHOULD PUNCH CAMERAMEN. Why are these cameramen thought of as sacred cows? Why do we get so upset when they are punched?

"He hit a cameraman! How could he do that!? That's a damn CAMERAMAN! That's like hitting a kid! Or a tree! Or the kid of a tree!"

We don't like people looking at us on the train. If someone followed you around all the time, RIGHT IN YOUR FACE, pushing past you, trying to catch you doing something, wouldn't you at some point take a swing at this person? No? THEY'RE in the right? Remember in school when people would do this? When someone would pick on someone until they fought back, and then the person doing the picking on would go to the teacher, 'So-and-so hit me!' Remember there was a time when the teacher would ask, 'Well, what did YOU do? Who started it?' Now there's none of that. Who cares who started it, right? He hit a goddamn cameraman! One of the most beautiful professions we have on this planet! The most sacred of human beings! A CAMERAMAN! It's like hitting Mother Teresa, but with a camera!

One reason it's ridiculous is that NO ONE CARES AT ALL if a celebrity is hit. If a cameraman grabbed Dame Judy Dench and shook the hell out of her, the video footage of it would go viral. There would be a slow-mo version, a dance version, an auto version. Tons of comments underneath.

"Hahah. That old bag got SHOOK!"

"That bitch's head looked like it was about to fall off!"

"President Obama is black and therefore I don't like him."

Some things stay constant.

If being a celebrity means that people will follow you around, get in your face and not leave you alone, people have to understand that being a person who follows, annoys and goads celebrities ALSO COMES WITH SOME STIPULATIONS. You could get KNOCKED OUT! You could get swore at or told off. Why? Why are you above that? WHY! Because you get PAID to take pictures? EVERYONE IS TAKING PICTURES! You are not a hero. These celebrities aren't punching kids. Or screaming at the elderly in the street. They are yelling at people who DESERVE TO BE YELLED AT.

People get REALLY hung up on the fact that Alec Baldwin may or may not have called someone a 'cocksucking fag.' Are we serious? Let's throw everyone away who has ever said that. Do you know who you're tossing away into the pit of shame? JUST ABOUT EVERYONE! Your grandmother, that guy over there, ANY MAN UNDER THE AGE OF 30 WHO WENT TO SCHOOL IN THE 90'S, ANY MAN UNDER THE AGE OF 40 WHO WENT TO SCHOOL IN THE 80'S. Cops, politicians. MY MOM! She may not have said 'cocksucking fag', but 'cocksucker?' Oh yeah. We were poor. That got said. SO MANY PEOPLE have said these things! Should ALL these people go to hell? Even people who would be offended by it have used it in an offensive way! Is it offensive? Sure. Was it ALWAYS taken so literally? Nope. Most of these things are just bad words, that people say in anger. The only thing behind it is, 'I'm angry, so swearing is going to take place.' Is fellatio-giving homosexual better? Hard to find that in a fit of rage.

And we're hanging onto the fact he called someone a 'toxic little queen'? Jesus, man. There is probably a script RIGHT NOW on a Disney executive's desk that describes an evil person in it the same way.

"I WANT to like this story. I do, but you described the villain as a 'toxic little queen?"

"Yes. She's a queen, who has a toxic attitude and demeanour. Surrounds herself with negativity."

"So you hate gay people."

"What?"

"Queen means gay. Always. Even if you're talking about Queen Elizabeth. You've just said 'Gay Elizabeth', which is offensive. Take this script down to Happy Madison where I'm SURE they'll find a home for it."

We REALLY want celebrities to mess up. REALLY BAD. It's so great when they do! People were just about to take a picture of their bagel and post it online, and then a celebrity called a dolphin a fish. Thank Jesus! Now you have something to talk about! Everyone knows you can't call a dolphin a fish. It ain't a goddamn fish!

"Alright, I'll post this picture o... Woa! Kanye said what?! You'll have to wait until tomorrow, picture of pancakes with syrup on them, right now I've got to tear someone apart!"

We love to say that people have shown their true colours. There's no 'true colours' for good things. People only say it when it comes to negative stuff.

"Tom has punched kids, spit at women, but he just donated a bunch of money to charity and hugged every amputee on the planet. Finally showed his true colours."

If today, Muhammad Ali kicked an animal, people would say he's showing his true colours. Forget all the things he's done. All the good in this world. He kicked a dog. That's it. When he died, that's all people would tweet.

"Yeah, he was the greatest. GREATEST DOG KICKER! #Fuckem."

"Float like a butterfly, kick a dog like a bee! #Alwaysknewhewasdirt"

"Parkinson’s is karma for kicking that dog! #karma #dogsaregreat #burninhell."

It's ridiculous. Because you do a bad thing or say a bad thing, that doesn't inherently make you a bad person. We have all done, and said bad things that we regret.

We don't want celebrities to complain. Once they say anything, it's 'Yeah, but go to hell. You're a MILLIONAIRE. You can't complain ever. Never! Everything that happens to you is evened out by the fact that you can buy a Maserati, drive it down the street and have us take pictures of it and throw things at it. Oh, someone threw a milkshake at it? Get it cleaned, millionaire."

Celebrities are people and people can complain. Should we all the time? No. Are a lot of our complaints unwarranted and babyish? Sure. But we are allowed them. Alec Baldwin's article is posted below.

twitter @nathanmacintosh

http://www.vulture.com/2014/02/alec-baldwin-good-bye-public-life.html

Hockey. Like it!

2014-02-24T08:47:00.001-08:00

Growing up, I never liked hockey. Yep. Growing up in Canada, I never liked it. Always thought it was dumb. One reason, is probably that I was supposed to like it being from Canada. It was ALWAYS ON. People ALWAYS talked about it. Kids wanted to play it. It was all over the place. That pushed me away from it.
"Hey, we're all talking this thing and watching it on TV as much as possible. You want in?"
"Can we talk about or watch something else?"
"What did you just say? Hockey! We're talking HOCKEY! Are you dumb? H-O-C-... and the other letters!"

Also, because everyone in school who liked hockey talked about watching it with their dads. Almost one hundred percent of the time. I didn't have that growing up. Not too many people watched hockey with their moms alone.

"Me and my mom were watching hockey last night. Just the two of us. Then we did some electrical work around the house and my mom taught me how to pick up chicks. She's the best."

That conversation rarely happened. Watching with a dad? Happened every day.

Now though, I'm a fan. I've been to a few games, I'll watch it on TV whenever I get the chance.

I became a fan about a year and a half ago. I was walking to a show in NY just after the last NHL lockout ended. Walking past a bar, I looked in at a TV, and saw a player from the Bruins squaring off against a player from the Rangers. I'm looking at them punch each other, and I thought why the hell have I never liked this? Those men... are fighting... on skates. Skates! While on ice! Fighting on the ground is hard. Skating is hard. Fighting on skates on ice? Insane. Getting punched in the face while you stand on a slippery surface wearing knives? Unreal. Became a fan right there.

Not just because of the fighting. I'm not a fan of UFC, or watching two animals fight in the street, but fighting is such a gentleman thing in hockey. One reason, because now when players fight they are not allowed to take their helmets off. So what do players do when they're going to fight? They look at each other, and each player takes the others helmet off. That's some pure gentleman stuff right there.

I love that problems are settled right then and there. You don't like how you were hit? Or how a guy crashed into your goalie? Or some dude just keeps chirping you? Fight him. Right there. There's no waiting until after the game to complain to the press. You never see hockey players after the games talking about fights during press conferences, because that problem is SOLVED.

That's not the only reason I like hockey. I tried to get into football, but for me there's too much stoppage in play. Football, when a guy who has the ball gets tackled, most times there's a whistle. In hockey, a guy who has the puck will get rocked in the middle of the ice. He'll lose his stick, his helmet will blow off, his soul is cracked. Do they blow a whistle? Do they stop play so that this man can collect his thoughts and catch up with everyone? Nope. He has to just pick his life up while the game goes on around him.

"Is NO ONE going to stop? Do they not see me here? One of my arms blew off! My kids are yelling from the stands that I'm a loser! You're just going to skate BY me? I see how it is, guys. Wait til you catch a puck in the face. See if I care!"

Going to NHL games live is great. I've been to a game in Jersey, New York, and Long Island. New Jersey and Long Island have some great fans. People screaming at guys for messing up simple things. First two minutes of the Islanders game, a player missed a pass, and a fan lost it.
"What the hell are you doing? Get off the goddamn ice! Undress and get the hell out of here!"
First two minutes. Just a regular season game. Guy losing his mind.
It's a small thing, but I like at NHL games too that during the game, the building doesn't play music over top of it. I've always thought that was weird about basketball games. Players have to listen to concerts during games.
"Started from the bottom now I'm here!"
"Drake, can you get off the damn court? I'm trying to shoot a three."

I got up at 630am to watch the Gold Medal game of the Olympics. Years ago I would have just made fun of it and slept in, waking up to here people talking about what happened and still not caring. I'm happy I like it now. Now I just need a dad to talk to about it! Jokes. Just jokes, guys.

To really get a hockey experience while reading this, listen to some ACDC while doing it.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Rap, commercials, life. Cool ain't cool.

2014-02-13T12:11:00.003-08:00

The image that gets shown to us as cool makes me upset. I get really mad about it. One thing that is apparently cool is to act hard, have sex with tons of women, and call them bitches.
"Hey, look at that guy. He can't string a sentence together and he called that girl a bitch because he had sex with her and he doesn't want a relationship. Cool as hell."
It isn't. It's ridiculous. Rap and life are very different things. One is entertainment. The other has real people in it that are all going through stuff.

I like rap music. A lot. From conscience rap to the most ignorant stuff that comes out. Do I ACTUALLY think it's cool for someone to get shot? No. Do I ACTUALLY think it's cool to throw hundreds of dollars in the air? Not at all. We think these people are cool because they're in videos with hot women and money. We think, 'Yo, look at all the women he's got. That's awesome.' THESE WOMEN ARE PAID TO BE THERE! She didn't show up just because this person has clever rhyme schemes. THEY ARE PAID! You got ten grand? You can get this woman to stand in a hallway of your house for an hour.

"Yeah. Sway from left to right next to this end table with a look in your eye that says you only ever think about having sex. And watch out for the door. My mom will be home soon."

These rappers are only ever shown with gorgeous, big ass women in short shorts who are just waiting to blow you. We think that's what they have. Not always true. You ever see Paul Walls wife? Or Snoop Doggs? Or T- Pains? Go look at these people right now. Regular looking human beings. They look good, but they don't look like the video girls. Would we think rappers were cool if they showed their real women in these videos? Probably not. You can't show someone who actually helps you through this life. Show the big tits, fake bullshit so everyone thinks you're killing it! Best is, these rappers are married to regular people, and we'll say those women are ugly because of the girls these rappers show us constantly in videos.

"Yo, he married THAT girl? What about the woman leaning on that Maybach? She NEVER wears pants! He's a loser."

This idea to that rap puts out about not trusting people. This 'No New Friends' garbage. Just you, and four other people. Everyone else is trash. Don't trust people you don't know. Strangers are awful, terrible people who are trying to kill you. Talking to them ain't cool. Walk the earth with the five people you met when you were younger and NEVER make another friend. THAT'S cool.
"These people just happened to go to my daycare. I will only talk to them from now on. You stay over there. You are trash and I do not trust you. I will have no new friends of any kind at any point in life."
NEW FRIENDS! ALWAYS BE MAKING NEW FRIENDS! Is that not cool?

Dumb and ignorant is not cool. It's a wrestling move used in rap to make money. Actual dumb is not 'real' , 'straight up', or 'keeping it a hundred' It's just... straight... dumb. You can't be smart and cool? You can't know about a foreign country without being cool? You can't say 'I don't give a fuck' every three seconds and be a cool person? You can't have good marks, go to college, and care about your future if you want to be considered cool?

I'm tired of seeing that being cool is only ever talking about the good in your life. I did this, I did that. I'm doing this. I'm the best. That ain't cool! It's a fraud that most of us put up to look cool in front of other people. We are NOT all balling. And 'balling' is a stupid thing too. Most of the time it's people spending money they don't have on things they don't need.

"Gucci belt. Balling! I ain't got food at my house, but this fabric strap around my waste? Outta control, son!"

Making fun of celebrities is not cool. Stop doing it. Leave these people alone. Watch their movies, or listen to their music, and if you want to comment on those things? Sure. But jesus christ, making fun of what they're wearing, or how they walk, or what they eat, or how they react in an interview, just stop. You are not cool because you come up with the most clever way to say that Justin Bieber should burn alive in a drunk driving accident. You think you are? Find Perez Hilton and you two can beat each other off in a 'whose cattier?' circle.

Alcohol commercials show us that drinking is cool. Loud music, dancing. Cool, right? Sure. But when was the last time you were out in a place that resembled an alcohol commercial? Never. In REAL life, there are some unattractive people in a bar.

"Heavens, no! We can't show them that? Why would they continue to drink Bud if they think that an ugly person is going to be around? Or a big person? We can't show big people! THEY DON'T EXIST WHEN YOU'RE DRINKING! Just good looking girls, and good looking/ goofy looking guys exist when Bud is around. EVERYONE knows that."

They never show commercials about actual things that happen when drinking. When was the last time they showed a commercial with someone throwing up? Or crying about their ex? Or drinking until they couldn't walk? Or fighting someone because they're too drunk to understand that you shouldn't do that? Can't show that stuff. That stuff ain't cool. I used to drink a ton. I've been around a bunch of people who did the same. Had drinking always been like a commercial, I never would have stopped. These commercials have the audacity to show a guy about to hook up with three hot girls, and then say 'Drink responsibly.' What? Why would anyone do that, when if you drink, apparently you are in places where there are only hot people that want you? You want me to be a sex machine responsibly? We're supposed to slow down on this magic fuck potion that makes everything amazing? Sure thing.

Being rude to people you don't know isn't cool. Screwing up your life isn't cool. Writing more than a thousand words in a blog about cool isn't cool, so I'll stop now.

Twitter@nathanmacintosh

A man orders a sandwich. What he received was a blog about those types of articles.

2014-01-31T10:10:00.001-08:00

You've seen a headline like this. It's pretty much all Facebook has become. People posting articles with ridiculous, goading titles that make others click on them.

"A woman looks at a snake. What she saw in it's dead eyes made her switch to Geico."

"A man opens his phone bill. What he saw under 'Balance Due' made him rock hard."

These articles are posted everyday, people click, and what happens next, will rock your whole face to your core and back up to your head then off again to the floor.

What usually happens is the article is supposed to see a situation in a different light. Snakes aren't that bad, have human feelings, and can turn you on. You never know what you'll find in the mail. That type of thing. People get sad, or happy, or inspired by the story. They are always supposed to have some kind of point. Some sort of life lesson that you will pick up at the end of the story. You're supposed to click, and change how you look at the world.
"Wow. I always hated opening my phone bill. I mean, it's just more money I have to throw away. But this one made a guy rock hard? From now on, I'll be excited to open them!"

What really happens? Is that someone, somewhere makes money from the ads that are posted on this story. You click on it, someone gets paid. Which is why they are written to get you to open them. It works. If someone comes up to you and is very vague about something, you'd want to know more about the situation.
"Hey, I ordered a rum and coke from this bar. What they gave me opened my mind up to unimaginable things."
(Person walks away)
"Woa. I was going to get a rum and coke. What the hell did he get? Sex on the beach? Tom Collins? DMT? I gotta ask him."

It's not just these types of articles that make us click. There are articles that instantly make people angry, and so they click to read more. "Man kicks ice cream cone into kids face". "Bus driver won't let old woman on the bus". "Second graders thrown off of a cliff because they couldn't find Dakota on a map". People will post these articles and comment underneath to let you know how angry they are.

"'Man strangles dog with live cat.' How the hell could he do that?! This is awful. Do you hear me, cat rope strangler! I hate you! I hope a fifty foot cat chokes YOU!"

An article about a woman who beat her kids with a bike that's on fire will be posted. She lives in Sasquatch, Kentucky or wherever the hell, and we'll get pissed that this woman lit this ten speed on fire and started playing tee ball with her kids. We shouldn't care at all.

Why do I say we shouldn't care? Because honestly, I don't believe that all of these articles are real. There's no way. Am I an article doctor? No. But there's no way some of these aren't just meant to get you outraged so that you click. Why would there be a news story about a racist letter a woman wrote? I saw an article that was 'Woman writes letter to her neighbour that she should have her autistic son put down". Real thing? I don't believe it. And again, even if it is, the woman's an idiot, who cares? She's not the president. She doesn't have any power. A letter at your door like that is just a written out YouTube comment.
"I would love to post that her autistic son scares the hell out of me and should die, but she doesn't have a video of him online. Wait! People used to write letters when they wanted to comment. To my pen and paper!"

I think a lot of this stuff is wrestling. It's made up to make us angry. Wrestlers do this constantly. Get people riled up to buy pay per views and to buy tickets to live events. Cool. Not a problem. They are selling a show. When writers do it, there is no 'show'. There is an article. Still, if they want to make us angry, put some show behind it. Write it like a wrestling promo.
"Let me tell you something, brother! When this man in Oklahoma kicked a dog, dude, he did it with all of the force of the Hulkamaniacs, man! He said his prayers, ate his vitamins, and really leaned into this kick, dude. That dog started barking, man, yelping in pain. This Sunday, when animal and man are forced into the squared circle for a rematch, brother, who knows who will come out on top! Will dog kick man? Will man bite dog? This Sunday, live at the Pontiac Silver dome, it's Ruff-venge, dude!"

I don't think these articles are real either because there's no resolution at all. No follow up. What happened to the woman and that stupid letter? Where did the guy who was putting seventy eight year old, and ONLY seventy eight year old women, in the Boston Crab until their spines cracked go to? Usually, news stories have resolutions.
'We found the suspect. Man who was putting a live turkey in his ass and then going to the grocery store? Yep. Caught him. No more 'gobble gobble' and 'wobble wobble' for this man.'
Unless we see follow ups to crazy headlines, we shouldn't get upset. Until then, the story could just be a way to get you to click.

twitter @nathanmacintosh

The Way To Do Twitter.

2014-01-24T06:52:00.001-08:00

Some people think twitter is just for jokes. Some people think it's just for news or used for keeping up to date with what's happening in the world. And then, there's others, who know EXACTLY what twitter should be used for. They follow a certain set of rules, and therefore, have the greatest time possible on the site. Here are some of those rules.

1. Use Twitter to tell someone they should die because they don't like what you like.
One of the greatest things about twitter is that you can let the people who you don't like the same things as you know exactly how they should die. And why not? They said something you don't agree with. Makes sense. They think Obama is doing a good job, you don't. Death. They like the Mets. Is there any amount of spikes through their face that's enough for this infraction? Absolutely not. They worked on something, put it out into the world and you don't like it. Well THAT'S a barrel of acid in their face and face of their whole family. I'm with you. Who do they think they are to not ask the whole world what they think of something before they put it out? Murder directly to their face. You're right. Send a tweet at them detailing all of these things. That's what it's here for.

2. Use Twitter for racist/hateful thoughts.
You can't just drive around yelling at EVERY type of person you hate. It takes so much damn time. And maybe you live in a place where most of the people you hate don't even live. How can you yell at THOSE people? Twitter has got you covered. Black people are terrible. All asian people are chinese. Gay people SHOULD be burned. Best is, you don't have to waste time writing a thesis. No need for a middle or closing arguments. No need to post it and ask others to read. Just get straight to the point. "Women are terrible!" "I can't stand Slovakians!" "Somebody tell Connie Chung that she should go back to Afghanistan! #Asia." There you go. Twitter will deliver that message. People will get this message, and they'll change their ways.

3. Use Twitter for thoughts about a documentary you just watched.
Yep, you watched a documentary, and instantly changed your mind about a topic. You think other people should as well. You think that all whales should be set free. Well, get on twitter. You can't believe that that's how these whales were treated. You thought that taking a whale out of it's habitat and putting it into a big bowl was a good thing. That the whales were kept at a persons house with the password to NetFlix when they weren't working. Hey, I'm with you. Makes sense. Who would have thought that trapping an animal and taking it away from it's family was a bad thing? Whales should be so excited that humans like them. Is there a Cockroach World? A Spider Land where we watch tarantulas do tricks? No. Because we hate those things and crush them on site. Take to twitter with the documentary thoughts. People that capture whales should be beaten within an inch of their life. You are outraged today, and twitter has got you covered.

4. Use Twitter to worry about what some idiot thinks.
You're scrolling through twitter, and you see somebody is pissed about some other guy. You check out that guy, and see it's some stupid preacher in the middle of nowhere who has a congregation of two hundred people who says that homosexuality is an abomination. Time to spend the day getting angry about it! 'How could he say that?' you tweet. 'Gay people are great people. I have so many gay friends' you type in one hundred and forty characters. Or you are gay. How could this complete loser, piece of garbage idiot think this way and say it to other loser, pieces of garbage people who believe it? It is time, to use your twitter to give them more attention. Start typing away, tweets at this man, to people who hadn't heard of this idiots hateful thoughts. Let everyone know what he said! I mean, that's kinda what he wanted. Get right in there and help him out. He hates gay people? You'll show him. You'll tell everyone about him. Crisis averted, and twitter was there.

5. Use Twitter to be the first to make a horrible joke about a tragedy.
A kid was just set on fire and thrown off a cliff. A whole city was destroyed by a maniac with a nuclear weapon. Horrible tragedy. What's that time for? Jokes. Jokes about what has happened. If you can be the first to be the most callous and disgusting person, maybe you'll get some sort of deal for something. Maybe you'll get more followers. The ULTIMATE thing! The people involved in this tragedy need jokes. That's for sure. They're carrying their arms, bleeding from the soul. I'd need a joke in that situation.
"Hey, man. You had glass blown into your face from that explosion. That's seven years bad luck!"
"Oww, hey... hahaha. That's great, man. Really funny, ow. Thanks! That's better than bandages."
Don't wait a day. Don't even wait an hour. Tweet out something hilarious about people in pain during the coverage. Good way to use twitter.

6. Use Twitter to let others know compliments you receive.

A lot of times people won't repeat compliments. They say them once and on days when you feel bad you can sit in a bed wondering what it's all for, trying to remember that compliment. Twitter has got you covered. Send that compliment out again, to everyone! It's a strange thing to do because it's not as if you're sending the compliment out to people who haven't heard of you. The compliment goes to people who are already following you. They know you're good! That's why they pushed the button. Are you trying to make your followers feel comfortable about their decision? Are you self conscience about their thoughts of you? Either way, good for you. You probably go up people at parties and tell them what others think about you.

"Hey. Guess what that guy over there said about me? Said I'm PRETty awesome."

"Cool. I think the same thing. That's why I came to your party."

"Yeah, I know. But THAT guy, that you don't know, he also thinks I'm PRETty awesome."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Diner? Let's do it.

2014-01-10T09:36:00.004-08:00

I love diners. Love them. Just about every city, town, village, borough, municipality, alleyway has a diner. Even places so small that they only have two intersections. One of those intersections will have a diner. Probably a diner/gas station/ tire shop/ shower for truckers/ police station/ liquor store, but it will be there. Or it's four am and you're wandering in a city, you want some food, and over the hill, what do you see? A gorgeous, tiny, come as you are diner. Love these damn places for many reasons.

EVERYONE goes to diners. Every type of person. Hot people go to diners, ugly people, tall people, tiny baby people, amputees, full-utees, and everyone in between. You can see giant men in scooters whose flab is touching the floor crushing milk shakes. You can see a gorgeous woman with a huge ass in tight pants passing out drunk while eating a cheeseburger. People who look like they've strangled cats. People who look like they help people strangle cats. Cops. The complete opposite of cops. Diners are like grown up cafeterias in city high schools. Jocks, nerds, teachers, posers. They are all there.

Diners are usually opened twenty four hours. All damn day! How great is that? What other places are open twenty four hours? Some grocery stores, sure, which is great, but it's food that you then have to make. Not even all shady places are open all day. Strip clubs close. And where do those strippers end up? Diners. I guess drug houses are open twenty four hours a day, but you can't get a pulled pork sandwich in a building that also sells meth.
"Yo, man. I need an eight ball, and a Cuban."
"Cuban? Cigar? Cuban person, motherfucker?"
"Naw, the sandwich. Cuban sandwich."
"I cook meth here, not meat.... Wait. If I cooked meat, you'd buy, meat, AND meth? Let me think about it."

Diners also don't have any weird rules. ANY time of day, you go in to a diner you can get what you want. That doesn't happen anywhere else. McDonald's has strict breakfast times. Not diners. Want breakfast at 11pm? Done. You want to start your day with a turkey dinner and a bowl of raisin bran? No problem. Where else can your ridiculous craving for pancakes and whip cream with a side of gyro meat at four in the morning be filled? Not even at a place that only sells those things.
"Hey, can I get combo number one?"
"I'm sorry, sir, but we ar..."
"What do you mean? You are called 'Pancakes and whip cream gyro meat dreams'! Tag line, 'Are you a monster who wants these things together? Well come on in and we'll make you feel better'.
"Yes, I know. But we are closed. This is a very niche store. We gonna keep this open all day? You're the only person I've seen eat here and we go through this every night! See you tomorrow, Chris."
".... Alright. Goodnight, Steve."

Menus at diners are massive. You could beat somebody to death with a diner menu. Some of these things are about twenty pages. Twenty pages! Of food! In one place! How do they have space for this? Do they NEED twelve types of sandwiches? Nope. But they have them. Why? Because diners are magical. Five different muffins. Seven cakes. Eight burger options. Don't even try to count the number of ways you can get potatoes. Gyros, soups, kabobs, desserts. Diners are the Shang Tsung of restaurants. It's like they have sucked up everything off of everyone else's menu. About four hundred food options, and twelve seconds to decide what you want. Usually a waitress will hand you a menu, spin in a circle, and ask you if you're ready.
"Hey, here's an encyclopedia of every piece of food ever made. Also, don't forget, that you can also order whatever you want, even if it's not on the menu, and we'll figure it out for you... Do you know what you want?"
"I haven't opened the menu yet."
"Okay. I'll give you a minute.... (rock paper scissors with herself) .... You ready now?"

There are no topics of conversation off limit in these places. You can talk about ANYTHING in these places. Family, sex, breaking the law. People for sure plan bank jobs in diners. Criminals sitting in booths for hours talking about how they're going to get the key from the manager.
"Honestly, I say, just walk in, crack him in the fuc... Oh, yeah. I'll have a cherry coke and a burger. Hey, let me ask you a question. If you were gonna get the keys from your manager, you think cracking him in the head would get the job done?"
"Um. No. I'd just ask him."
"(GASP) Just ask him!"
People sit in diners and talk about work. People go into diners late and talk about banging people in club bathrooms. At any level, too. You can talk as loud as you want about the sex you're having.
"LAST NIGHT I BANGED THIS PERSON AND IT WAS A GREAT TIME!"
"Oh yeah? That sounds awesome."
"IT WAS! WE WERE MAKING AS MUCH NOISE AS I AM RIGHT NOW, IN THIS DINER! LAST NIGHT I YELLED 'DEAR GOD, I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS HARD, I MIGHT BREAK SOMETHING', AND NOW, I'M GOING TO YELL, 'HEY, PUT EXTRA CHEESE ON THAT BURGER. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS HARD!"

Diners also aren't picky about how long you're there. You can order a coffee, maybe a bagel, sit there for six hours, nobody will anything say to you. Chill the whole damn day. Any other place letting you do that? Don't think so. You can't go into Red Lobster, just get biscuits, and sit there for hours.
"What would I like....? Well, I'm going to maybe talk on my phone for awhile, maybe someone will come meet me. I'll probably have a bunch of cigarettes waiting for this bus I have to get on... That'll probably be six hours.... I'll just have a diet pepsi. And keep em coming."

Waiters and waitresses at diners don't care what you're doing. If you walked into a steakhouse with puke on your shirt, you might get some looks.

"Hello, I'll be serving you tonight. Can I start you with som... oh god."

"Wooooooo! Yeah. I'll start with.... (burp)... ah, god. I'll take a .... fuuuuuucckkkkk."

"Sir, there's a little bit of... you have some... on your shirt there."

"Oh, this? Yeah.... it's not mine. A girl fell into me an.... (burp)... I'll take a.... aaahhhhh, I can't stop spinning."

Waiters at diners? Won't even look twice. You could come in there with your head cut off, holding a dead hooker. They won't even blink an eye.

"Hey, sorry that I'm coming in this way, but before I head to the hospital I wanted to get some food."

"Sorry? Sorry for what? Wasting my time? Just order your food. Is that head eating? What does it want?"

And that's another thing that makes diners great. It's acceptable to be what you are. You're beyond trashed? You're a seven hundred pound cripple? You have half a head and six arms? Cool. How do you take your coffee? Diners won't kick you out for being drunk. Diners won't kick you out for being smacked out of your mind on smack. Diners won't even kick you out for beating a kid at your table for not eating his dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets (which diners have!). As long as diners are around, we will all have a place to go.

twitter @nathanmacintosh

New Years Eve. The most overhyped day of the year.

2013-12-28T11:51:00.003-08:00

New Years Eve. It keeps happening, every single year. And every year, it's the most overhyped day. Expectations of this night run way too high. St. Patricks Day gets a lot of hype. Halloween, Christmas are pumped up. But those Holidays have other things attached to them other than getting drunk and yelling at midnight. New Years Eve doesn't have presents, it doesn't have dinners or costumes or one man who flies through the entire world breaking into houses to leave things for children. It's just drinking and yelling. And still, NYE never lives up to it's own hype.

By some girls, NYE gets treated like prom. Every single year. Every year they have to make sure everything's perfect. Have something specific to wear, have a place picked out to go to, have a table reserved at said place, have a timetable of when you're allowed to drink before hand and at what time you have to go to get to 'the spot'.
"So, I'm going to wear this, we're going to drink here, my hair has to be perfect, we have to leave here by this time or we won't make it and then 2014 is gonna suck!"
And if everything doesn't go according to plan? Woa. Look out. You are going to see a lot of people crying, a lot of mascara running, a lot of screaming about what should have been and where friends are.
"Well the hell is Stacy?! I haven't seen her in an hour and I have her phone. Is she dead? What happened to her?"
"I don't know. Last I saw her she was inside and she said she just found a whole bunch of random pills in her drink."
"Like 'random' random or random?"

These are the same girls who are crying at the end of the night. Tons of women crying because it's too cold, they're too drunk, or the night didn't go exactly as they planned.

"At exactly midnight this bottle of wine was supposed to be open and THAT bottle of wine was supposed to be closed! Ahhhhhhhh, nothing goes right!"

"Why are you crying?"

"Because EVERYTHING fell apart, that's why! It WAS gonna be great, but I couldn't find the cork screw, and SOME people don't know how to finish a bottle of wine. HERE, THIS is how you drink it, you idiots!"

Getting a cab on New Years is insane. You might as well bring the raw materials to make your own and go from there.

"Alright, let's bail. Call a cab?"

"Yeah, sure. If we want to wait until next New Years. Nope. I'm going to piece a car together. I have a transmission. Does anyone have ANY of the other parts of a car?"

"... I have an air freshener?"

"First we BUILD the car, THEN we worry about how it smells, alright, Gary?!"

Some people can't believe that cabs would be busy on NYE. I was looking up a number for a cab the other day and came across this companies yelp page. Someone gave them one star, so I wanted to see why. This was some of what they said.

"This company is THE WORST. New Years Eve, we're drinking at my house. At 11, we call a cab to go to a bar for 12. The cab driver says it'll be a half hour. He shows up fifty minutes later. So now we're in a cab at 11:50, and it's almost midnight!"

I'll stop there. Who the hell is this maniac to think that you can call a cab an hour before the countdown and MAKE it to where you wanted to go? AN HOUR. On easily one of the busiest cab nights of the year. Cabs aren't going to go right on this day.

When I was 18 I think, me and some friends were drinking at a hotel, and heard about a party that was happening. We jumped in a cab and started heading over there. We got stuck in traffic, until the countdown happened. So we did the countdown, in the cab, with the cab driver. Missed the most important part of the night because of traffic. Do you miss Christmas if you get stuck in traffic? That would have to be some LONG traffic jam for that.
"Look, have dinner without me. I've already been stuck here for twelve hours, and a man in front of me just lit his car on fire. I'll see you on the 26th."

You have to be ready to countdown at midnight. If you miss the countdown, what was the whole thing for? Halloween, Christmas, no other holiday has that sort of pressure on it. There's no specific time you have to open presents or they get thrown out. And you're supposed to kiss someone at midnight. The NYE countdown is like the last slow song at a school dance. You better be holding someone, kissing something when it happens, or you're just watching people have a good time.

One of the worst things about NYE for me, is always having lived in places where it's cold on that night. Celebrating in the freezing cold is not fun. I bet living in a hot place that night is instantly better.

"You want to wear a t-shirt and walk to the bar?"

"Like every night? You're damn right!"

You have something on you want people to see, but you have to wear winter clothes over top of everything. Most people don't want to do that though. People waiting in line wearing just the stuff they want to be seen in. No winter jackets, no scarves, no hats. Just cocktail dresses, dress shirts, and maybe some blazers. You can't be seen being warm. People will think you're a loser!

"Dress pants, dress shoes with no socks, and a dress shirt open to my chest. Ready to go out."

"It's freezing outside. You want to put a jacket on?"

"Naw, man. I look amazing. And that line up won't be long."

ALL the line ups are long. Not just the ones to get in, the ones to get alcohol once you're there are long too. You bring a book? Well, then what are you going to do when you wait? Talk to the people around you? Probably not. Music is blaring in your face. To yourself? You could do that.
"Man, I love standing here waiting to pay twelve dollars for a rum and coke. It's amazing that I have to wait for that expensive of a beverage. Maybe the extra seven dollars is for all the watering down they'll do to it. Thanks, NYE."

Line up for coat check is long as hell. Also, coat check is a complete scam. One, because too many people are wearing plain black pea coats. It's way too easy for those to get lost and for you to end up with someone else's coat.

"Is this mine?"

"It's a black peacoat. Who cares."

"But mine had different buttons right here."

"And now it has different buttons there. Big deal."

Two, because why can't you just keep your coat? You bought it. Some places force you to check your coat. They make you do it. Not only are you not allowed to keep your coat, you have to pay for them to take it off your hands. That's ridiculous. You should have the option. Being forced to do it is not right.

"Sir, give me your coat."

"I'm good. I'll just keep it."

"Ah, no . You cannot keep it. Give me it, and give me money for me forcing you to give it to me as well."

"I don't want to do any of these things!"

"You're a cheap piece of garbage. You don't like having someone else handle the coat you bought and pay them to do it? You probably put water in your ketchup."

Probably the best time you're going to have on New Years is one where you stay home with people you like. Just watch the ball drop from home. Do you know how terrible it would be to actual BE there? Once you are in Times Square, you are not leaving. People go to the bathroom in bottles! You're stuck there for hours! And for what? There's a bunch of people jammed one top of you who are holding bottles of their own piss. Sweet. And you get to see some of your favourite artists sing one song, and also artists you hate do the same thing. Does that sound fun?
"Man, where can I go to stand in the cold for hours around tons of people I don't know who are urinating in Fanta bottles and wearing diapers? And even if I find THAT place, how do I find that place that also has Anderson Cooper conducting this whole night of piss bottle fun? ... No. You're serious?! New Years Eve in Times Square has ALL of that? Well, Jesus. I'm shocked. My dreams have come true. Happy New Year!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Christmas is Christmas no matter where you Christmas.

2013-12-18T07:25:00.001-08:00

I've always liked Christmas. Now though, for different reasons. Now, as an adult, I can do what I want on that day. As a kid you might have to have dinner at a certain time, or go to a family members house. As an adult, don't have to do anything. Don't have to go to a certain persons house for dinner at a certain time. Don't have to have conversations with cousins about the weather.
"Cold out there, huh?"
"Yep. It's winter."
"Yeah, but it's winter in LA, and it's not cold there!"
"Two different places I guess."
"Yeah, but one place is cold, and the other place, well, it just isn't! Isn't that something!?"
Okay, so conversations like that rarely happen to that kind of extreme, but still. I choose to spend Christmas how I want.

That means for the last couple of years I've stayed in New York for Christmas. Because I stay here and it's not where my family lives, I get invited to orphan Christmas.
"You want to come to orphan Christmas dinner?"

"Nope. Orphan is not really a fun word. Sounds terrible."

"Oh, it's not a Christmas for orphans. In this case, YOU'RE the orphan because you won't be with your family, so I'm inviting you to mine."

"So, I'll go, and they'll look at me all day like my family were burned to death in a fire?"

"Sort of. Also, they weren't? Then why aren't you going home?"

Putting the word 'Orphan' in front of anything doesn't make it sound appealing.
"You're cute. You want to have an orphan threesome with me and my friend?"
"I don't even think orphans would want to have an orphan threesome."

I have places I can go, I just choose not to. I'm back and forth to Canada a decent amount, and flying home at Christmas is way too expensive. It cost almost a thousand dollars to get home. Why? Because there's not a lot of direct flights from NY to New Brunswick, and also, it's Christmas. Airlines can charge whatever they want.
"Alright. I need to fly from Halifax to Northern Halifax for Christmas. Let's see how much that would cost. Seven hundred bucks?! It's an hour flight. What the hell, airlines!"
"We're sorry. When you really want to get somewhere during a certain time of year, we raise the prices. Same flight in January would be four hundred dollars less. But, there's no reason to go home in January, now is there? So, will you be checking one bag, or two?"

Also, why is it necessarily sad when someone doesn't go home for Christmas? How do you know what their family Christmas would be like? People sort of assume that you just HAVE to go home for Christmas. If you don't, something must be wrong and you must be the most depressed person on earth.
"You're not going home for Christmas? Wow. You okay? You thinking about ending it all? How are you even able to stop crying long enough to tell me that? Was your family murdered by ninjas on Christmas? I am so truly, truly sorry."
Not all Christmas's or families on Christmas are the way they are shown to us in commercials. Every commercial for Christmas shows a mom and a dad, both wearing terrible sweaters, in a big house with at least two kids, a dog is running around, their tree is massive, and there's so many presents under the tree it'll take until the 26th to open them all. They NEVER show commercials with people living in apartments. Why? Do people in apartments not celebrate Christmas? Do you HAVE to have a set of stairs to run down to really enjoy presents?
"Merry Christmas, guys!"
"Ah, yeah. Thanks, mom. Huuuuh. It's just, I can't fully enjoy this new iPod knowing that I ran two steps down a hall way and then through the kitchen to open it. Hopefully next year, we'll get a real, HUMAN place to live."

I like staying in NY for Christmas. Christmas is the one day a year that I don't feel bad for not doing anything, so I want to take full advantage of that. There's a bunch of places I could go, but if I do, I gotta wear pants, I have to talk to families, I have to not swear. All of those things are fine, and I like doing them, but on Christmas? Man. Adult Christmas has become a real day. I wake up really early, start the day with tons of bacon. I wear sweatpants all day. ALL... DAMN... DAY. I'll probably watch an old wrestling pay per view. Drinking in the afternoon. I probably won't shower. There's no WAY I could do any of that at a persons house with their family.
"Nathan, what are you doing? Aren't you going to get dressed?"
"What? No. It's Christmas! Did you get dressed as a kid when it was Christmas? You're goddamn right you didn't."
"Can you watch your language. There are kids here."
"And I bet they're happy as dick that it's Christmas! I'm putting more egg nog in this rum, and I'm NOT going to eat at a dinner table. Pe, pe, peace!"
I won't be able to enjoy Christmas this way forever. I'll have a family and kid some time. Probably. Who knows. But still, doing Christmas the way I do now at forty two might be a bit weird.

I try to do Christmas the way it was as a kid as much as possible. Christmas as a kid was amazing and that's not coming back. The break from school alone was great. That last day of school before time off for Christmas. Man. Teachers handing out candy canes, movies being played. You could just leave whenever you wanted. Teachers were almost upset that you showed up.
"Ugh, you're here? Don't you have cool friends to smoke drugs in the woods with? God. Alright, I'll put on Gremlins. I would rather be home."
Christmas Eve as a kid was so much fun. It was great to not really be able to sleep because you were so excited about waking up.
"Go to sleep."
"I can't!"
"You have to."
"It's completely impossible! It's Christmas. CHRISTMAS!"
"Santa won't come if you don't go to sleep."
"Well Santa can blow me, because there's no way I'm sleeping! Doesn't he know it's Christmas?! Christmas!"

Christmas does not just have to be in the same living room you did it in when you were five. Christmas is a state of mind. It can be enjoyed anywhere, with anyone, if you really want to. You could have a good Christmas in a bus station. It would take a hell of a lot, but it could happen.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Red haired people are different.

2013-12-07T10:46:00.003-08:00

My eyebrows are almost completely see through. Why? I have red hair. I always have, and unless I fall into some sort of radioactive vat, or get old enough that it turns grey, I always will. I've grown into it. When I was a kid, I wasn't comfortable with it. I found it embarrassing. I never liked that people would ask questions about it. "Does it match the hair down there?" I never liked that. When I was a kid I wasn't extroverted enough to say, "of course it does!" What the hell else would be down there?!' I never liked being put on the spot about my hair.

As a young kid I was fully different to the other kids. They let me know that I was. People commented on my freckles. I was called random names. Leprechaun, fire crotch. I remember being out with my mom as a kid, and a random woman stopped her and said I looked like a french fry with ketchup on top. She didn't say it maliciously, but as a kid it still makes you feel a way. French fry with ketchup on top! That's one of the farthest things from human that there is.

The term ginger didn't really start until I was out of school. That's typically what people will say now. I hear red haired people calling themselves gingers sometimes. I'm not a fan of it. Stop that shit. It's dumb. It's just trying to fit in with people who call you that trying to make fun of you. I went to a theatre once, and everyone working there had a name tag on that said their name and their favourite movie. A red head dude was working there. What was on his name tag? 'Ginger'. That's it. Didn't even have a favourite movie! Just ginger. Can't even call his 'name tag' a 'name tag'. There's no WAY that he put that there. There's no way he decided to do that. Everyone around him decided that, and so that he could fit in, he went with it. I said to him, "come on, man. Don't let these people treat you this way. You don't even have a movie!" He said, "ahhhh, it's cool." It aint cool, man. Pick a damn movie, and get your damn name on the damn tag.

For some reason people think we all look alike. I've been called every red haired person I think. Conan O'Brien, Bill Burr, Fry from Futurama, Howdy Doody, Chucky, Problem Child, David Caruso, Prince Harry (once). Just about anyone with red haired, I've been called that person. I don't look like ANY of these people/cartoons/puppets. How the hell do you look like a puppet? A wooden puppet? The puppet has freckles on it's face. I don't!

People want to know if you can tan. No. That's not a thing. I suppose maybe, if we tried really hard, got a good base going in a bed or something. But generally speaking? Nope. Just burning and screaming.

When I was about five, I was outside all day and got really burnt. Burnt enough that I had these big blisters on my arm. My mom took me to the hospital (probably freaking out saying, "what the hell is wrong with my son's arm!"), and they put my arm in a cast. A cast for sun blisters. I didn't want to tell people that I had a cast for being burnt. I didn't want to say, "The cast? My arm pretty much cooked from being outside and running the sun." So I told people them that I was hit by a car. That I had held my arm out to cross, and some maniac drove through it and broke it. I wasn't going to tell people my body was too weak for UV rays when I was five. Car hit me! That's the story.

People have told me I can't wear certain things having red hair. No pink, purple, green, orange, red, and any variation of those. Just about nothing. Brown and tan and black. That's what I'm 'allowed' to wear. Woa, sweet. Brown. Thanks. What a fun colour to wear. What do you even wear brown to do? Take a kayaking course? Coach a little league game drunk? Or tan. Tan. What a colour. Something was white, now it's kinda dirty. Tan. Black is for funerals, drive-bys, deep depressions, women coming down marble stair cases, or people who don't know what matches with what. Black, tan, and brown together? Absolutely disgusting. I like wearing colours. Aqua is an awesome colour. So is yellow. Purple is great. Salmon? Get out of here. I used to CRUSH salmon shirts. I don't care what the losers on 'What Not To Wear' would say. Earth tones can blow me.

Red haired women are notoriously loved. Red head men are typically thought of as strange, ugly, woodland creatures that only come out of the trees to play the flute with Satyrs. People have said to me, 'You're good looking for a red head guy." How am I supposed to take that? What am I supposed to say?
"Yes well, you know, I managed to escape before they dragged me to the center of the earth with the other red haired trolls."

Here's a weird thing about having red hair. I'm not a white man. I mean, clearly I am. Red haired people are white people. We are almost the ultimate white people. We can't tan. We are whiter than the average white person. We should be considered white people. But are we? Nope. White people don't refer to us as white. We are 'gingers', 'red heads', 'carrot tops', 'ginger cunts', 'soulless', and any other number of dumb things. The only time white people consider me white is if I'm with a group of black people. Then I'm a white guy. But if I'm with a group of white people, I'm one of those names.

It's only ever white people who have said things to me about it. That's it. Only ones that point it out. White people like to remind me I have red hair as if somehow I forgot. I woke up out of a coma and completely forgot about what has been on top of my head for 28 years.
"You know you have red hair, right?"
"Whhhhhaaaaaaaaattttttt?!!!?? How did this happen!"
Only ones that have ever said anything about it, actually. If black people make fun of me, they'll say something about me being white. It's weird, black people think I'm the whitest of white people, and white people don't consider me white.

A black guy came up to me after a show awhile ago and said,
"Do you know why black people and red haired people get along? Because white people hate us both." Don't know how true that is, but it made me laugh.

'Kick a ginger day' a few years ago really made me angry. I walked around hoping that I got kicked. The thought that people who have red hair were really beat up that day made me so mad. Again, it doesn't seem that we're different, but then things like that will come along and you are reminded that even if you don't think you are, people do. 'Kick a ginger day'. It made the news a bit, but basically it was saying, 'watch out, parents of kids with red hair. They'll kick em!'
If there was 'Kick a black person day', or 'Kick a woman day', or 'Kick a dog day'? There'd be crazy outrage, and rightfully so.

We're different. I'm fine with that. I used to hate having red hair. I love it now. I wouldn't change it now if I could.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

7 things in fast NY that are not fast.

2013-11-30T11:27:00.000-08:00

NewYork City is thought of as a city where everything is fast. That everyone and everything is in a constant state of rush. That if you stop for a second you'll be run over by the stampede of people screaming and sprinting behind you. Well, thats just not true. Not everything in New York is fast, and here are seven[' examples.

1. Pigeons.
Pigeons in NY do what they want to do. They are walking to the beat of their own drum. A lot of other cities pigeons will get out of the way of cars and people. In New York? Nope. They don't move. They've seen people. People don't scare or impress them. I've seen a pigeon cross at a street light. Waited for it to turn green, and it walked. And the pigeon did not walk with any sense of urgency. Pigeons treat NY like they're on vacation at a beach. If I saw a pigeon with a Mai Tai I wouldn't be shocked. If you are behind a pigeon in New York, be prepared to yell, "You serious, bird? Walk faster! Pick up that pizza crust, fly outta here and peck at it somewhere else!"

"You think I need to be anywhere? I'm not moving."

2. People with strollers.
Even though strollers have wheels, and people pushing them could easily tear through the streets, they are not moving at all. Most of the time people with strollers in NY are walking down the middle of the sidewalk. The middle! Just crawling along, taking up the whole thing, stopping every once in awhile to send a text on their phone. Or stopping to make sure they are still walking down the exact middle of the sidewalk. If you get caught behind a stroller in New York, be prepared to yell, "Pull over if you're going to send a text! Would you stop in the middle of the highway to change your radio station? Pull over!"

"I will stop here. This is where I will stop. Right.... here."

3. Cashiers at Starbucks and McDonald's.
So you want to go to one of these places. They are usually fast. And you're in NY, so, it's probably one of THE FASTEST ONES, right? Ah, you've been led astray. Order anything but a regular coffee at Starbucks in NY and you're waiting for the end of a conversation about Kanye before they start making your drink. You order food at McDonald's, and it takes long enough that you'll think the food is going to be real. Maybe? Could it be? No. It's not. It's just a ten minute Big Mac. If you find yourself at a McDonald's or Starbucks in Manhattan, be prepared to yell, "Who cares why Kim Kardashian wore yesterday!? There's more people waiting for what they ordered than ordering. Put it together!"

"Can I get you some speed with that? ... Kidding. You'll get your food when you get it."

4. Couples.
Man. Couples. Couples in this city like to crawl along, holding each other while taking baby sips of their coffees, or hot chocolates, or taking baby bites of a burrito. Falling in love all over again with every step and bite and sip. Love does not move fast. It crawls along. Love songs? Slow. Movies about love? Mostly slow. People in love walking down a street? Slowest. Love is not quick. That's why your instincts of love don't kick in when you're in danger. If they did, you'd just sit there, trying to hug the tiger that is eating you. If you get stuck behind a couple in New York, be prepared to yell, "This is a busy street, not a John Cusack movie! Pick up your love feet!"

"Get out of the way, couple! Look how many people are behind you!"

5. Tourists.
Tourists through the city, taking pictures of everything. Buildings, corners of buildings, doors of buildings, doormen of buildings, trees in front of buildings, trees, lobbies of buildings, buildings from different angles. Tourists love to take a lot of pictures of New York buildings. They'll also take random things and snap pictures. You can find a tourist standing in the middle of a busy street taking a picture of an old box of french fries that somebody dropped. If you get stuck behind some tourists in New York, be prepared to yell, "It's just a half eaten slice of pizza on the ground! You don't need a picture of that!"

"Oh, wow. That's a garbage can. A NY garbage can! Gotta get a picture of me with this leg in front of it!"

6. Couples with a stroller.
Put a couple together with a stroller? Wow, buddy. You're stuck behind two things that don't move. Maybe they'll stop every few seconds to fall in love all over again with each other or the baby. Or arguing with each other sometimes about where they should eat, where the eight month old in the stroller should go to college, or praising that eight month old when they get out of the stroller, stand in the middle of the sidewalk, and fall down. If you get stuck behind a couple with a stroller, be prepared to yell, "Don't let him learn how to walk here! This is 5th Ave, not your living room! And he can't walk, stop talking about what his major will be. His minor right now is crawling."

"Well, what happened was we got stuck behind a couple in a stroller. I din't think we'd ever get out from behind them. Some people didn't. It was really tragic."

7. Subways late at night.
You'd think these would just be flying around. That it'd be hard to get on one because of how fast the doors are closing. You'd be wrong. After two am, sometimes as early as midnight, these things are SLOW. Maybe they are caught behind a garbage train, a train that is just full of trash that moves slow and looks like it just came straight from hell. Maybe there's a man standing on the track doing construction. "Construction" on a NY subway track is a man with a flash light standing on that train track. If you're waiting for a NY subway train after midnight, be prepared to yell, "What day is it? What year! How long have I been down here?!

"Alright, this train is going to take forever. Let's get limber and do some yoga in the meantime."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

4 types of videos the Jean Claude Van Damme volvo video is more beautiful than.

2013-11-17T15:58:00.002-08:00

I never get excited about videos on the internet. Never. People say all the time 'you have to see this.' Most times I don't check them out. I still haven't seen the video for Gangnam Style. But two days ago I was on facebook, and I noticed a video featuring Jean Claude Van Damme. I'm a fan of that man. Not even really his movies, I just like him. I did really like JCVD, though. Anyway, I clicked on it, and then watched it four more times. It is the most beautiful video online right now. Beats out everything else. Here are four types of beautiful videos that it beats out.

1. Motivational speech videos.
So you've come across a video of a motivational speech that really gets you up. It makes you want to work harder, be a better person, all of that. You deem it to be beautiful. "This beautiful motivational speech has really turned my life around", well, this video is more beautiful. Listen to the speech that Van Damme gives.

"I've had my ups and downs, my fair share of bumpy roads and heavy winds.
Now i stand here before you.What you see is a body crafted to perfection, a pair of legs engineered to define the laws of physics, and a mind set to master, the most epic... of splits."

That's HUGE! That beats anyone saying, "get up earlier. Don't give up. Anything is possible if you just believe in your own arms!" Screw you, bud. Van Damme gave a bad ass speech and then did the splits between two moving trucks. That's motivation.

"He did WHAT? Between two trucks?! Well, damn. I was gonna tell you to never give up but just watch that and believe in yourself!"

2. Love Story videos.
So you've come across a video of a lion and duck who have become friends and play Super Nintendo together, or a video of two whales in the wild making wild, orgasmic whale love. Beautiful, right? Well, this video is more beautiful. Two golden trucks going in reverse while a man does the splits between them, with the sun rising in the background. That sun glistens off these trucks, given off a colour that could only be described as "golden trident meets the light given off by Jesus', while a man DOES THE SPLITS BETWEEN TWO MOVING TRUCKS. Plus Enya playing over top of the whole thing? The most beautiful video on the internet.

"It's okay. This whole Van Damme video will blow over soon and people will look at us again... When we grow up, please don't eat me."

3. Uplifting Story videos.
So you've come across a story of a man who decided that he was going to single handedly help every parakeet in the word with a debilitating disease. Or a woman finds true love when she gives change to a homeless guy. Beautiful, right? Well, this video is more beautiful. Van Damme is a man whose made a career with his body pretty much. He's not in movies as much anymore. He could just gain a bunch of weight and not train. Does he do that? Nope. He keeps all of that up, AND can still CRUSH the splits at 53! That's beautiful. Most people when their career takes a bit of a dip run right to a box of donuts. This man? Kept hitting the gym and training. Beautiful.

"Why do I look sad? Because this video is not as beautiful as Van Damme doing the splits between two trucks. I'm serious. I knew I should have pushed to get my hair cut between two flying 747's. Dammit."

4. Twerking Videos.
So you've come across a video of a gorgeous woman with a beautiful ass shaking it for two and a half minutes to a Tyga song. Beautiful, right? Probably the most beautiful thing on the internet? Nope. This video is more beautiful. What's more beautiful than a man crossing his arms while doing the spits between two trucks? Isn't it possible to achieve an erection from a twerk video and the man who played Guile doing the splits between two trucks? Okay. Maybe not. When there's a video of a woman twerking between two Bugatti's we'll be having a different conversation.

"Okay, okay. Here's what happened. I was trying to clean the top of the piano, and I fell off and I... could you take a picture real quick? I bet my ass looks amazing like this."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

4 reasons you want a crackhead as your mayor.

2013-11-07T11:38:00.001-08:00

Toronto mayor Rob Ford this week admitted to smoking crack. Some mayors are terrible and have never smoked crack. Is having a crackhead as a mayor the worst thing? Don't think so. Here are some reasons having a crackhead mayor could be a good thing.

4 Reasons you want a crackhead as your mayor

1. Crack heads are industrious.
A crackhead wakes up one day, realizes they have nothing left to pawn, no money, no one left to borrow from. What's a crackhead to do? Throw them self in front of a moving car so they can sue the driver for crack money. It happens. You have to be dedicated for that kind of move. Now imagine if that crackhead was mayor and wanted better roads for their city, more buses, or cleaner streets? They'd be jumping in front of all kinds of cars to get those things. A crackhead is not going to let someone tell them there's no money for city parks if they become hell bent on money for the parks. Park money will be found no matter what.

"I want a subway line that stretches to the airport! I'm not leaving until I have it! I'll suck your dick!"

2. Crack heads work all hours of the night.
I'm sure most mayors work long, hard hours. I'm sure a lot are up until the early morning trying to get things done for their cities. But when they do go to bed, who is still up getting their work done? Crackheads. Crackheads are up all hours, scurrying around their neighbourhood looking for ways to make money and ultimately buy crack. All night. Until the job is done. If a mayor had their kind of get up and go, they wouldn't sleep until the money for public education was scrounged up. If a mayor was a crackhead and got stuck on the idea of helping out the band department, they'd be tearing copper wire out of construction sites and selling it back to them for profit. You WISH your mayor would tear copper out of a wall and sell it. Your city might have a new football stadium.

"I was up all night, I'm tired as hell, but those kids can now go on their field trip. Now, who needs a goodnight dick sucking?"

3. If city money is missing, you know where it went.
Sometimes a mayor will take the cities money and do who knows what with it. Could be hundreds of thousands of dollars on coffee. Maybe it's prostitutes on a private jet to Fiji. Or maybe they bought themselves an autographed poster of Adam West. Who knows. But when it comes time to do something for the city, and the mayor says there is no money, people will yell, "well where the hell did the money go!?" No need for that question if your mayor is on crack. You already know the answer. Crack. Tons and tons of glorious crack. Why is this pothole still here? Oh yeah. The mayor smoked that pothole money. Why's there only one bus in the city? Ah, yes. Crack. Now you can get on with your day.

"Where'd the money go? What do you mean? Crack! I'm on crack! I'll suck your dick if you stop asking that question!"

4. Crackheads know how to deal with tough situations.
Crackheads have been through some tough times. Families have disowned them, they've lost some teeth to the crack trade, and they've woken up smelling like chemicals. So do you think they'll let something like opposition to their ideas rattle them? Absolutely not. They'll crumble under the pressure of questioning by the media? Doubt it. They've blown a dude behind a Denny's for a drug that shattered their molars. They can deal with criticism. They're not going to let unions push them around. A mayor who went to a good school could be tough, but a mayor who climbed three stories to steal an iPad to pawn? THAT'S a tough mayor.

"Oh, yeah, you're a tough man. You ever suck dick to get a guy off your drive way? Well I'm gonna do it like this! Look at my face! I'll suck your dick!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

5 Reasons Piers Morgan Should Be President

2013-10-30T14:32:00.003-07:00

Awhile ago, a petition was started to have Piers Morgan deported from America. One hundred thousand people signed it. Of course online petitions don't mean anything, but it's very telling. I would like to go the other way. Not only should he not be deported, he should be the President. Here are some reasons.

"5 Reasons Piers Morgan should be President of the United States"

1. Piers Morgan is not American. Americans hate the American ones.

People complain about every President that has ever been. What's the one thing all the Presidents of the United States have in common? Other than being men. They're all American. That's it. It used to be that they were all white. Not anymore. The one thing is that every single President of the United States has been American. And they have ALL been hated. Maybe some more than others, but every President has large groups of people that hate them. I guess we won't find out if it's because they're American until Piers Morgan is made President.

"It says here that he's American? I hate him already."

2. Piers Morgan is against guns.

That seems like it would be a bad thing in America. A President who was against guns in a nation that is for guns and will kill a President with a gun if he tries to take their guns? Not a good stance to take. Sure, but it's the right one. More guns means more shootings. Why? Because guns only function is too shoot and kill things. If more of them were around, more of that would happen. If every single person had a pen would more writing get done? Exactly. We'd all like to live in an old Western where women can be grabbed, racist comments can be made and card games are stopped because a rough and tumble doggie pulls his gun, resulting in everyone pulling their guns. Doesn't that sound great? Well, grab your time machine. It's not going to happen.

"Why do you need the Hello Kitty gun? Because the Hello Kitty gun doesn't shoot bullets. It shoots fun and entertainment for the whole family! ... Just kidding. This bitch'll kill you.... with bullets."

3. Piers Morgan has a television show.

George Bush didn't have a television show. Neither did Barack Obama. We had to get to know them. Not the same with Piers. He has had a television show for the last three years. You know what you're getting. You're getting a man with an accent who likes to talk to people. It took eight years to figure out what you were getting from Bush, and we finally did: A man who does a great impression of Will Ferrel doing a great impression of him. Took four years until we found out that Barack is apparently Hitler. With Piers, day one, you know what's up. He's not Hitler. He's not doing a Will Ferrel impression. He's asking questions, with an accent.

"Can YOUR President sell meant cologne? ... Would you like him more if he did? ... I'm shirtless."

4. People say America has problems. Piers Morgan is from outside the problem.

If your car had a problem, how would you try to fix it? By sitting in the car and trying to reach through the windshield to the engine? No. By getting out of the car and taking a look. America is that car. Piers is that stranger outside of it who can take a look. Every other President has come from within the car. They've come from within the car and lo and behold, they can't fix the problems with it. A mechanic doesn't attack the transmission from the glove box. He attacks it from the outside. You get it.

"I'm going to will the car to stop smoking with my mind.... I think it's working."

5. Piers Morgan has an accent.
Some of the best Presidents of all time have had accents. Bill Clinton has an accent. John F. Kennedy had an accent. George Washington probably spoke with at least a lisp or cool whistle or something. You want a good President? Find one with an accent. Who has an accent? British people. Who is a British person? Piers Morgan. The world loves accents. How cool is it when Jason Statham talks? Now picture him not as cool and not able to fight. Still sweet, right? Exactly. Piers Morgan.

"I'll be the first British President! No, it's British. Not Australian. First rule I'll make is anyone who can't tell the difference is banned."

6 everyday costumes that everyday people should stop wearing.

2013-10-26T10:49:00.001-07:00

Halloween is in less than a week! Candy, horror movies, costumes. What a great time of year. Some costumes though should be put out to stud. And some costumes are worn by people every singe day, regardless of what holiday it is. This is a list of some of those costumes that need to go.

6 everyday costumes/costume pieces that should be sent into the wild.

1. The "Beard and plaid shirt" costume.
This costume could be called the '90% of white men have just given up'. Gave up years ago, and don't seem to be coming back at all. At some point, 90% of white men decided that trying to be an individual was too hard. We're all white men here, right? Basically brothers. Why don't we dress as if we're all twins and our parents think it's cute to have us together in the same clothes? Men wearing a beard, and a plaid shirt. Have you ever looked around? You're everywhere. When five white men dressed like this hang out it looks like they're part of a strange cult. A cult that for sure knows a whole lot about The Beatles and allergies.

"If I chop this log in half, the curse will be broken! Be gone, plaid shirt and beard curse! BE GONE!"

2. The "Snap back hats" costume.
This could be called the "Man, I wish I was young again" costume. Snap backs were around in the 90's, and kids wore them. Now, snap backs have come back, and the kids in the 90's who wore them have grown up, become adults, and started to wear them again. These are for children and truckers. If you're an adult, whose not a trucker, get a strap back. Strap backs are the adult snap back. If you can walk into the bank and get a loan, get a strap back. Someone shouldn't be able to come up behind you when you're signing for a condo and unsnap your hat off your head.

"Hey, Dad! Thanks for buying me this snap back! Oh, it's yours? But it goes so well with my velcro shoes."

3. The "Nike Foamposites" costume.
This costume could be called "I'll wear ANYTHING a rapper wears." These were jokes, right? Just a gag? Put in the stores by Nike to see how angry people would get at such a disgusting shoe? When they started flying off the shelves, people at Nike must have been shocked.
"People are... BUYING them? For what? To throw through our windows?... They actually like them? Wow. We charged $250. CLEARLY that was a joke! I'm completely shocked."
There are a few different kinds, but the ones that are the worst and so many people have, are the ones with the bulky, different colour way sides. These are easily the most disgusting looking shoes that have come out in the last ten years. They make your foot look like the elephant mans. He had a degenerative disease. You don't. Your only probably is that you think these are cool.

"I am the Nike Foamposite. Hear me suck."

4. The "Toms shoes without socks" costume.
This could be called the 'I care about the world but not about how bad my feet smell'. First of all, these, Toms look like mummy's feet. They look like shoes you would be given if you were sentenced to working a field in North Korea. Yes, they are shoes that when you buy a pair a pair is given to a child in a poor country. Sure. I bet though when that child does get those shoes, they think, "Man, I wish these were Nikes. Or Adidas. I mean, I already own a pair of these. I work in a field in North Korea!"
And no socks? You know what that does to your foot. It makes it smell like you've been working non stop in a field in North Korea. So because you want to save the world, the rest of us at this party have to suffer? Also, why most times do people who want to save the world try to smell as much like it as possible? Different topic. But either way, the Toms shoes without socks costume? Time for a different one.

"I don't know who this white man is, but he must know that orange and red don't go together."

5. The "unpainted toe nails" costume. (women).
This costume here could be called 'mans foot'. If you don't paint your toe nails, you are wearing a man's foot that day. Which is fine. You are allowed to make that choice. But most men don't wear heels and a skirt to a bar. You did? Well, from the knee down, you look like a cross dresser. And most of them paint their toe nails. This costume, unless you live in the woods or a tiny town where you will marry the first person you ever kissed, or you take every piece of plastic you find and build furniture with it, needs to go.

"Hey, Sarah! You look nic... Jesus! No nail polish, huh? We're going to a dinner party, not riding in the back of an F-150. Put a shoe on at least."

6. The "Sweaters with just whatever the fuck on them" costume.
This costume could be called 'I'm really funny and you don't need to talk to me to find that out because I'm wearing a hilarious sweater with whatever the fuck on it". Yes. You're hilarious. You have a sweater with a dog sitting on a porch on it. Amazing. Don't know where you found such a hilarious item, thirty two year old man, but boy are we happy you did. Oh, yours too! The sweater with a fish inside of an icecube? Man, that fish is gonna freeze! Quick! Someone thaw him out! Sometimes these are worn ironically, other times they are worn by people who if they just learned to talk to people, wouldn't need this costume to feel comfortable. The sweater is easier to put on, though.

"Funny sweater, man! You going to a theme party or something?... Job interview. Huh. Yeah, hilarious."