Wendel's World

Wendel's Christmas World: Haul out the Holly, I'll Bring the Virus

noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Sun, 18 Dec 2016 18:23:00 +0000

[I wrote this newspaper column 20 years ago, after suffering a severe bout with the flu. My wife insists it was a brain infection and that I've never fully recovered.]

Season's Greetings from Wendel's World. I've been under the weather over the past
few days, so my Christmas column will be shorter than usual (my gift to you). I'd
like to share a poem I wrote for the holidays and one that I hope will be preserved
down through the ages, read and re-read as a timeless Christmas classic. Clement
Moore and Charles Dickens ain't got nothing on me.

A Visit from St.Virus
by Wendel Potter

'Tis the virus before Christmas and
all through my lungs,
a cold bug is coursing,
it isn't much fun.

The hacking and sneezing
from deep down in my toes
give a luster to objects
in the path of my nose.

Sniffling and snorting
by the tree is a crime,
and the Good Wife is wondering:
"Is it tinsel or slime?"

I can't get to sleep,
I toss and I turn,
I shake and I shiver,
I freeze and I burn.

So I go to the sofa
and turn out the light,
all this coughing and sputtering,
it's no silent night.

On Advil, on Nyquil
on antihistamine,
on cough drops, on codeine,
on shots of Jim Beam.

These mixed medications
create a strange feeling,
like I've sprung from the couch
and stuck to the ceiling.

Hopped up as I am
on this midnight clear,
it wouldn't surprise me
to see flying reindeer.

Now it's two in the morning
and I fix some hot tea.
I'm getting so bored,
guess I'll watch some TV.

So I grab the remote
and push buttons on the panel,
yet there's nothing on cable
but the damn Weather Channel.

I finally doze off
for a short winter's nap,
then wake with a start,
I've spilled hot tea in my lap!

I'd jump and I'd gyrate
if it weren't for arthritis,
and I'd holler expletives
but I have laryngitis.

I suffer in silence
and wait for my chance
when everyone's up
so I can get some dry pants.

It's one week 'til Christmas,
hope I'm over this virus.
My good wife agrees, saying
"It's beginning to tire us."

Now you're reading this poem
and I feel better perhaps.
Wait! It's back to the sofa,
I've had a relapse!

Merry Christmas!

Reprinted from the Grand Island Independent
December 19, 2001

Never A Dry Eye

noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Fri, 05 Sep 2014 00:13:00 +0000

September 4, 2014

Can we talk?

I always wanted to be a writer. As a young boy, I entertained my friends with stories I had written. In high school, I wrote a novel. Like John-Boy Walton, I just knew it was meant for me to write.

But, unlike John-Boy, I couldn't seem to market my fiction. Then, the nature of my writing took an unexpected turn.

I grew up in the 1950s and 60s and was weaned on comedians like Jack Benny, Bob Hope, and Jackie Gleason. Then along came a new breed: Bob Newhart, Bill Cosby, George Carlin. The world of comedy fascinated me as the torch was passed from one generation to the next.

In the 1970s it occurred to me that maybe I should try writing some jokes. My efforts were somewhat lame, but I kept plugging away. As I got better with practice, I began mailing jokes to comedians in Los Angeles. I heard back from virtually nobody. The only formal rejection I even received in the mail was a polite note from Fred DeCordova, the producer of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.

Then one day, my mom called. She said she had been watching The Phil Donahue Show, a popular afternoon talkfest in those days. Joan Rivers' secretary was on the show, along with other "assistants to the celebrities" and someone in the audience asked if Joan ever bought material from freelance writers.

Joan's assistant, Les Hanson, said that the comedienne did indeed read outside material and he gave the viewing audience her business address. Mom passed that on to me.

So I went to work and put together a small packet of jokes and mailed them off. Weeks went by but finally I heard back from Les Hanson. Joan had agreed to buy one of the jokes I sent.

"Can we talk here? I was ugly as a child! No boy wanted to date me! It's true! In high school, I was chosen to play Mary in the Christmas pageant because I was the only girl who fit the part: I was young, Jewish, and it would take an act of God to get me pregnant!"

That was it. I was off and running on a freelance association with Joan Rivers that lasted 25 years.

Probably my most interesting moment was when I read Fred DeCordova's autobiography, in which he detailed his years with The Tonight Show. He told the story about one night when Joan was filling in for Johnny and she told a joke about Marie Osmond and the Pope.

"Oh, Marie Osmond is such a goody goody goody! The Pope called and told her to lighten up!"

As innocuous as that joke seems today, back in 1985 it was pure sacrilege and the angry telephone response from home viewers jammed the NBC switchboard. DeCordova said never before or since has a single joke incurred that kind of viewer wrath while he was producer of Carson's show.

I had a good chuckle, somewhat proudly, over that. I had written that joke.

But there were some bitter turns along the way. In 1986, Joan was behind a phone call I received from The Tonight Show. Johnny Carson wanted to see my material, and soon! He was about to hire new writers, so I was advised to put some material together and express mail it. An assistant to the head writer phoned me when they had received my material and said it was on Johnny's desk, awaiting his return from vacation.

Then the bubble burst. They say that timing is everything in comedy. Timing became my worst nightmare.

It was at this time that Joan announced she would be leaving her guest host duties at the Tonight Show for her own talk show on Fox. Johnny was livid and he wanted nothing further to do with Joan or anyone associated with her. I made one last phone call to the writers' office at the Tonight Show and my contact there was suddenly very cool, almost unresponsive.

I attempted to land a job on Joan's new show, but was told a staff was already in place. Come to find out, Fox would not allow Joan to hire her own writers and saddled her with a couple of ex-radio jocks from St. Louis.

But the highs of writing one-liners were tremendous: seeing my work on the printed page in Joan's books, and hearing the jokes I'd written come free falling out of her mouth on The Tonight Show, Saturday Night Live, and her Grammy-nominated comedy album.

After all, I was just a Nebraska boy creating jokes part time on a manual typewriter.

If I may, here's a sampling:

"Liz Taylor! Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds!"

"She put sugar on her Sweet 'n Low!"

"Edgar and I never have sex. We've been married 20 years and have one child...which is about right, because 20 years equals a score."

"I have no appeal. I told my husband, 'I want to eat out tonight'. He kicked my dish on the back porch."

"I have a friend who is such a tramp! She's been under the sheets more than the KKK!"

"A tramp! Now she lives in Norway. Every night she turns over a new Leif."

"This woman has done more work on her back than Michelangelo."

"I am the world's worst housekeeper. My table setting looks like this: fork, plate, knife, spoon, fly swatter."

"And I can't cook! I have dining room chairs that flush!"

"The other night I made Leek Soup. I followed the recipe: 'First, take a leek'. Edgar said, 'This soup tastes funny."

"I know nothing about rock stars. I thought Neil Diamond was the stone in the Pope's ring!"

"Have you noticed all the male flight attendants we're seeing on the airlines now? And they're all gay! On my last flight, I asked the pilot, 'Do you get many gay flight attendants on this airline?' He said, 'Not unless I buy them dinner and drinks.'"

Joan did me the honor of buying these and hundreds more over the years. My success with her led me down the freelance road to writing for Phyllis Diller, Jay Leno, and American's favorite Russian, Yakov Smirnoff.

It all started with one joke. She took a chance on me, and I will be forever grateful.

I have a feeling that there's comedy after death. I think today Joan was met in heaven by Robin Williams.

He welcomed her, then shook his head and mused, "Wow! Isn't it ironic that we died just a couple of weeks apart and both of us because we had our oxygen shut off too long."

And Joan answered, "Yes, but I had to pay a goddamn deductible!"

Joan, when you performed, we laughed until we cried. Now that you've left us, there's still not a dry eye in the house.

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Tue, 05 Nov 2013 00:46:00 +0000

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Well, we're in to November and Thanksgiving is just around the corner. President Obama will once again choose a turkey to pardon. I'm guessing it will be the Obamacare website.

Turns out the movie, "The Fifth Estate" is the biggest film disaster of 2013. See, this is the difference between a movie and the Affordable Health Care website. A movie is a flop when there's no lines and no waiting.

Daylight Saving Time came to an end on Sunday. Apparently, President Obama turned back the clock on his health care website to 1995.

This was the weekend when Eveready made its semiannual killing on those little 9 volt smoke alarm batteries.

A medical study says that sugary beverages can lead to crippling rheumatoid arthritis....which means that eventually people who drink sugary beverages will be drinking them through a straw.

Actress Michelle Pfeiffer says that when she was 20 years old, she belonged to a cult that believed that sunlight is all you need to survive. Michelle said she finally left the cult after she nearly died during a solar eclipse.

Justin Bieber stormed off a stage in Brazil after being hit in the head with a bottle. It turns out it was his mother who threw the bottle. She wasn't trying to hit her son, she was just trying to get him to take his 8 p.m. feeding.

In Germany, they've discovered 1500 works of art, including masterpieces by Picasso and Matisse, that were confiscated and hidden by the Nazis during World War II. The artwork is in pretty good condition except for the fact that the humans in all the paintings have little square moustaches.

.....thanks for reading!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Sun, 03 Nov 2013 20:44:00 +0000

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The NSA has been tapping into phones in Spain. They discovered something about the Spanish. Their language is incredibly similar to the one used by most of the people in the U.S.

A UN panel of scientists says that climate change will pose a risk for future food supplies. As a matter of fact, it's already getting too warm in parts of Alaska to grow frozen peas.

On Halloween night, President Obama opened the White House doors to trick-or-treaters. The president was really surprised at how many were dressed like lifeless zombies. Turns out they looked liked that because they were sick and they couldn't get on healthcare.gov to buy insurance.

Have you tried getting on the Obamacare website? Talk about slow to log on. It would be faster to get to first base with the Virgin Mary.

It's slow! It takes longer than it did for Katy Perry to accuse Mick Jagger of hitting on her.

Katy Perry claims that Mick Jagger hit on her when she was 18 years old. It was probably more like he fell on her.

Lays is introducing chocolate covered potato chips. Now when Lays says, "Betcha can't eat just one!", they're talking about the whole package.

Chocolate covered potato chips! Really? Like salt and grease aren't good enough, let's throw in a millions grams of sugar!

..............it's been awhile....thanks for stopping by!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 19:59:00 +0000

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On Monday, Jay Leno used a St. Patrick's Day joke to refer to NBC executives as snakes. Of course, St. Patrick is well known for driving snakes out of Ireland....and Jay Leno is well known for driving an Irishman out of the Tonight Show.

President Obama is in Jerusalem. The president didn't expect a lot of warmth from Prime Minister Netanyahu, but he's a little disappointed that the citizens didn't provide him with a donkey and lay palms at his feet.

I'm not saying that the president is arrogant, but someone had to tell him that "Shalom" does not mean the same thing as "Hosanna!"

No word on whether or not the White House Easter Egg Roll is still on. It's scheduled for April 1st, so all the president really has to do is what he's good at....wait until that day and then holler, "April Fool!"

It was announced today that federal meat inspectors will not be furloughed. Just when tofu producers thought they were going to corner the market.

Joe Biden addressed members of Congress regarding gun control and told them to "show courage". His speech writer advised him to say that instead of what Joe wanted to say..."Make my day!"

Can't you just picture Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry telling some punk with a gun, "Show courage."?

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 22:22:00 +0000

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I'm sure you know by now that a new pope has been elected. Pope Francis I. It took an hour before the Vatican introduced him to the public. That's because a cardinal from Florida demanded a recount.

The pope is Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio and he's from Argentina. The first thing he did as pope was kneel down before a statue of the Madonna. He asked her blessing and told her what a wonderful job she did in the film version of Evita.

Pope Francis is not fluent in English. His primary language is Spanish. Finally! A pope who will be understood by the majority of the people in the United States.

Pope Francis appeared a little nervous when he first stepped out on the balcony to greet the throngs of people gathered in the square. He was concerned that the white cassock made his butt look fat.

McDonald's has introduced a new yoke-free Egg McMuffin. It's a takeoff on Burger King's hamburgers, which are beef-free.

Happy 134th birthday to Albert Einstein. Einstein is most remembered by today's young people for his theory, E=MC Hammer.

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 23:27:00 +0000

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President Obama's State of the Union Address drew a huge response...."What's on HBO?"

Last night, President Obama was in top form. His speeches are like a two-speed blender....either stirring or grating.

The president has really grown, really fleshed out as a public speaker. As a matter of fact, not once did anyone in the audience put on their 3-D glasses.

Well, Benedict XVI celebrated his last Ash Wednesday as the reigning pope. You could tell his heart wasn't in it. Twice during the service he referred to the holy day as Half-Ash Wednesday.

Some Catholic churches now offer drive up ashes. They had that 40 years ago. It was called rear-ending a Pinto.

There's one church I heard about has three windows. You drive up to the first one and make your confession, then you go to the second one and get your ashes. By the time you pull up to the third window, your fish sandwich is ready.

Lady GaGa has canceled all the shows on her tour for the next week because she's sick. She'll now be known as Lady GagGag.

Comedian/actor Steve Martin has become a father for the first time. Steve is 67. Next week, the baby will receive an honorary high school diploma so Steve can be sure to attend the kid's graduation.

Someone hacked into a TV station broadcast and warned Montana viewers that they were under attack by zombies. Of course the joke was on the hacker because nobody in Montana owns a TV.

....thanks for reading!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 00:20:00 +0000

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You've all heard by now that Pope Benedict has resigned. Some say the pope is not really resigning, he's abdicating. Abdicating sounds like he's in the gym building up his stomach muscles.

Catholics around the world were expecting Pope Benedict to post the news on his Twitter account. But the pope hasn't tweeted in two months. His doctor says that's due to a lack of fiber in his diet.

The last time a Roman Catholic pope resigned was in 1415. That was yesterday in Church years.

The last pope to resign was Gregory XII. Technically, he didn't resign. He was traded to the Greek Orthodox church for three 1st round draft picks.

Pope Benedict is already making plans for his future. For one thing, he's going to be the official caller at the cardinals' Monday night bingo game.

What does a pope do when he retires? He can't go fishing. Being a fisherman was his job.

Pope Benedict did mention that he was looking forward to sleeping late on Sundays.

The pope said one thing he's going to miss is wearing the papal ring. He loved having people bow down and kiss the ring and ask for his blessing. As a matter of fact, he calls the stone in his ring "the kneel diamond."

The pope is going to remain in Vatican City, but will have to vacate the papal living quarters. You can see more about that on an upcoming HGTV episode of Househunters.

......that's all for now.....bless you for reading!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Fri, 08 Feb 2013 02:00:00 +0000

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Next year the Super Bowl will be played on Groundhog Day. At halftime, the groundhog will come out of his hole and if he sees his shadow that will mean the power is on in the stadium.

Super Bowl XLVIII will be played in New Jersey. It will be the second biggest thing New Jersey has ever seen. The first is Chris Christie.

Oh, come on! The guy is overweight. He obviously loves to eat. He puts sugar on his Sweet'N Low.

He was so excited when he heard New Jersey was getting the Super Bowl. He thought Super Bowl was an all-you-can-eat restaurant.

Chris Christie loves to eat, okay? He orders a pizza to be delivered, then meets the driver halfway!

He said he was going to eat Chinese. Everybody in Beijing took shelter.

He went to Taco Bell. He ate the clapper!

CBS is warning Grammy Awards show performers to cover their breasts and buttocks. Well, unless their breasts and buttocks are mutilated and can be worked into a plot for CSI:NY.

....and that's all for tonight, folks! Thanks for reading!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 15:45:00 +0000

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It's good to be back on these pages.....hope you enjoy the jokes!

Scientists in Leicester, England announced that they have unearthed the skeleton of King Richard III. Well, it's either Richard III or a small club-footed camel wearing a crown.

You remember King Richard III...or as the Washington Redskins like to call him, KR3.

Now there's a big argument between the cities of York and Leicester. They're both claiming rights to the ownership of Richard's skeleton. Hey, settle this the old-fashioned way.....grab the wishbone and pull.

The United States Post Office has announced that after July, there will be no more first class mail delivery on Saturday. Since when has mail delivery ever been first class?

Cutting back on Saturday delivery will save the Post Office 2 billion dollars a year. So now the federal government is looking into how much it can save by just doing away with Saturdays altogether.

Damnit! Well, this will be just one less day a week that my dog won't get his exercise chasing the mail carrier!

John Kerry has assumed his role as President Obama's new Secretary of State. Kerry joked that, since he was taking over a post previously held by Hillary Clinton, he had "big heels to fill." And some people think the Secretary of State job has been filled by a big heel.

John Kerry can be intimidating. When he answers the door, you expect him to turn and say, "Some one to see you, Mr. Addams."

Look at him. He could be brimming with joy and people are still asking, "John, why the long face?"

Is that a jaw or what? Coleman named a lantern after him.

Did you read this? 30% of all cigarettes are smoked by mentally ill people. Forget the cigarettes....I'm more worried about those people who are out there lighting all those matches!

Have a happy Wendelsday

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 20:14:00 +0000

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After a long hiatus, I'm back and coming to you from my new residence...the Sunshine State of Florida! Here's a few jokes for you and Happy Friday, Everybody! Thanks for reading!

A college student in Brazil has auctioned off her virginity online for $772,000. Not a real bright girl, though.....she's already spent the money on cab fare to New York to meet the highest bidder.

Hurricane Sandy is forecast to hit New England just in time for Halloween. Kids will still be out ringing doorbells on Halloween night....they'll be polling voters to see how many of them think the storm is President Obama's fault.

Mitt Romney is going trick or treating....he'll change masks every two blocks.

And how about Paul Ryan? The word is he'll be home on Halloween to answer the door...and hand out candy vouchers.

President Obama says that kids are welcome to trick or treat at the White House. He said not to worry because Michelle won't be home....and he knows where she keeps her secret candy stash!

Britney Spears is interviewed in the new issue of Lucky magazine. They say she discusses everything from zits to boys....and how she's popped them both.

Singer Rod Stewart has published a new tell-all autobiography. In the book, he talks about using cocaine suppositories. That certainly broadens the meaning of the phrase, "Blow it out your ass!"

Rod Stewart's idea of freebasing is squatting over an open flame.

.....that's all for now....glad to be back

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noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Tue, 03 Jul 2012 20:34:00 +0000

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Temperatures are soaring around the country. It's so hot Baskin Robbins now features 31 flavors of soup.

It is so hot Tom Cruise can't get a cold shoulder from Katie Holmes.

The Statue of Liberty traded her torch for a Snow Cone.

This is hot weather! The Supreme Court voted to wear white until after Labor Day.

How hot is it? Slaves were brought in to fan the Lincoln Memorial.

And when it's this hot, you get tired and sluggish and don't feel like doing anything. It's been three days since Mitt Romney's changed his position on anything.

And speaking of Mitt Romney, it's so hot he wears a special Mormon speedo.

Ted Williams broke a sweat...that's how hot it is!

Rappers are referring to this as the Snoop Dogg Days of summer.

This is why Anderson Cooper came out of the closet! It was too damn hot in there!

....thanks for reading and try to stay cool

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noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Thu, 14 Jun 2012 18:28:00 +0000

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Police are investigating the theft of 400,000 toothpicks from a Georgia warehouse. They're trying to figure out why anyone in Georgia needs toothpicks.

Last Friday while making a campaign stop in an Iowa diner, Mitt Romney could not think of the word doughnut. Then he went to Burger King and couldn't think of the words trans fat.

How could anyone who spent all those months with Newt Gingrich on his mind not be able to think of doughnut?

Mitt really struggled trying to come up with doughnut. He was real close to the first syllable when he said, "duh."

A new book claims that President Obama smoked a lot of marijuana in his college days. Come on, Birthers! You don't get any more American than that!

Spike Lee says that President Obama doesn't have a lock on the election because "People ain't got jobs". And people who make a lot of money like Spike Lee don't have a lock on grammar.

This is the day Burger King launches its new Bacon Sundae! And the first ten customers receive a gift card good for one free ambulance ride.

China is planning on sending a woman into outer space. See, they just now started getting TV reruns of The Honeymooners in China and they were inspired when Ralph Kramden said, "To the moon, Alice!"

Betty White visited President Obama at the White House this week. He told her how much the woman's vote means and she reminisced about her days as a suffragette.

.........thanks for reading!

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noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 18:32:00 +0000

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Taco Bell has proudly announced that it has now sold over 100 million Doritos Locos Tacos. When you multiply that by gallons per flush, that's a lot of water.

The Ku Klux Klan wants to adopt a highway in Georgia as part of that state's litter removal program. Apparently there's still some incriminating evidence in one of the ditches and they want to get rid of it.

Burger King is introducing the Bacon Sundae.....510 calories.....ice cream, fudge, caramel, and bacon! What a refreshing way to enjoy a massive stroke on a hot summer's day.

Bacon and ice cream....I haven't had anything that delicious since I stuffed a Polish dog with lemon sherbet.

And at Burger King, the only things you can't supersize are your arteries.

30 years ago, millions of TV viewers tuned in to see the Dallas episode, "Who Shot J.R.?' Tonight, TNT premieres the revival of Dallas. Millions of viewers will tune in to see the first episode, "J.R. Looks Shot".

British Prime Minister David Cameron accidentally left his 8-year old daughter sitting in a pub. By the time he returned, she had joined the Labour Party and was organizing a rally to oust her father from office.

.......thanks for reading

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noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Mon, 11 Jun 2012 18:19:00 +0000

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Lindsay Lohan was unhurt after crashing her rented Porche into a dump truck. Police said Lindsay will not be ticketed since they could find no paparazzi body parts between the car and the truck.

The NBA Championship finals start this week. When the Weather Channel heard it was between the Heat and the Thunder, they decided to send storm chasers to the game.

Wide receiver Chad Ochocinco has been released by the New England Patriots and is now a free agent. Of course his options are limited. He can only play for a team that has a number 85 jersey available.

Last night, the Tony Awards show was broadcast on television. So shouldn't the Emmy Awards be presented on Broadway?

In Georgia, a Ku Klux Klan group has applied to join the state's Adopt A Highway program for litter removal. If they're approved, their sign along the road will read Keep Kurbsides Klean.

A study says that people who drink coffee live longer than people who don't drink coffee. But another study says they don't actually live longer, it just takes them longer to close their eyes and stop twitching.

..........thanks for reading!

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noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Mon, 04 Jun 2012 18:17:00 +0000

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The Queen's Diamond Jubilee celebration continues tonight with a gala concert featuring Elton John. He thinks he's still next in line to be queen.

Prince Charles took Sir Elton aside and warned him, "Mummy would not be amused if you open the jubilee concert with The Bitch is Back."

Everyone attending the concert will be asked to turn off their cell phones. And Prince Charles has been asked to cover his ears so they don't cause any radio interference.

It was a busy weekend for Queen Elizabeth. She was so exhausted from all the activity that she nodded off last night during dinner. Nobody would have noticed except she left tiara marks in her mashed potatoes.

Actor Vince Vaughan is asking $18.4 million for his penthouse. It's the September 1984 Vanessa Williams issue.

Long time Family Feud host Richard Dawson has passed away. The survey said he was 79.

.......thanks for reading

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noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Thu, 31 May 2012 11:51:00 +0000

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As part of her boyfriend's art project, Clint Eastwood's daughter set fire to a $100,000 handbag. Maybe she just didn't understand the meaning of "matching" handbags.

According to astrologers, the stars are perfectly aligned for an Obama victory over Romney. When they say stars, they must be talking about George Clooney and Barbra Streisand.

Here's the results of an interesting study.....the less time people spend on the couch, the less junk food they eat. And those participating in the study were paid with gift certificates to McDonalds.

A millionaire in Russia made paper airplanes out of money and threw them into a crowd. Now American comedians in Russia are saying, "What a country!"

Justin Bieber has been accused of beating up a photographer. Not only that, he smashed her camera and told her he'd beat her up again if she told her kindergarten teacher.

A six-year girl from Virginia has qualified for the National Spelling Bee. She'll be the youngest contestant in the Bee's history. What's really amazing is that she can actually spell complete words, not just the text shorthand.

A 40 year old pair of underpants that allegedly belonged to Queen Elizabeth have sold on ebay for $18,000. The authenticity of ownership was later confirmed by trained royal dogs that sniffed the underwear.

When it came to verifying that those were really the Queen's panties...well, how would you like to be the guy who had to collect the DNA?

The guy who won that auction says he'll keep the panties under lock and key. As a matter of fact, the Queen's underpants came with a lock and key.

Engine parts from a Boeing 777 fell off the jet Sunday and smashed parked cars below shortly after takeoff from a Toronto airport. According to onlookers, Boeing!!! was also the sound heard just before the engine flew apart.

.....thanks for reading

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noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Mon, 21 May 2012 18:32:00 +0000

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A man in Tennessee who fathered thirty children with eleven different women is asking the court for leniency in making his child support payments. Apparently the guy has no money left after taking the kids to Dollywood.

Thirty kids with eleven women and he's broke. In the Middle East, the guy would have his own kingdom.

Thirty kids! His family reunions will be bigger than the Osmonds'.

Congressman Barney Frank is getting married in July and President Obama is not invited. Not that the president is upset by this, but he's taking back the wedding present....and everything he said in support of gay marriage.

The New York Yankees' 1920 Babe Ruth jersey has sold at auction for over $4 million. The winner claims to be a huge baseball fan and said he was disappointed that the 1920 Butterfingers jersey was not also for sale.

After 92 years, I don't think even Kaboom will get rid of those sweat stains.

Kim Kardashian is selling some of her clothes on Ebay. I saw one of her listings today: "one wedding dress..slightly used."

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and his girlfriend Priscilla Chan were married on Saturday. They've know each other for some time. As a matter of fact, they met on MySpace.

......thanks for reading

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noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Thu, 17 May 2012 18:25:00 +0000

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A new study claims that fat reaches your waistline within 3 hours after eating. So, if you swim to lose weight, forget everything you've been told...just go jump in the pool immediately after dinner....hurry!

Ringo Starr has lost all the photographs he took of The Beatles back in the 1960s. He says he was able to locate some snapshots of John, Paul, and George, but he simply can't find the photos he took of all four of them together.

Sunday night was the final episode of Desperate Housewives. The ABC network wanted to renew the series, but after eight seasons in this economy, every house on Wisteria Lane had been foreclosed on.

General Motors will no longer advertise on Facebook. GM says that their ads have produced no real sales revenue. Well, when you're sitting on your computer on Facebook 24/7, who needs a car?

In California, the Santa Barbara Harbor Patrol rescued a horse that was swimming in the ocean two miles offshore. The horse was carrying eighteen illegal aliens who were trying to get from Tijuana to Bakersfield.

NY Jets quarterback Tim Tebow is threatening legal action against a company that's making t-shirts that say My Jesus against a design that looks very similar to the Jets' logo. Tebow says he's concerned that fans will think he's endorsing the tee. He hasn't been this upset over a shirt since Rex Ryan handed him a practice jersey with the number 666.

CBS is cancelling CSI Miami. However, in its place, the network will air a new show focusing on the cleanup of crime scenes. It'll be called CSI BonAmi.

Researchers are working on a pill that will prevent you from getting drunk. Now you'll be hearing testimonials like, "Today is a very special day in my life. I'm celebrating twelve hours of sobriety."

Well, that New Jersey tanning mom says she wants to pose nude for Playboy. So far, the only offer she's had is from National Geographic.

Police in California burned 34,000 marijuana plants that were growing wild. It took them all day. Of course, they had to stop every 20 minutes for a snack.

.....thanks for reading and please share my link with your friends

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noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Thu, 10 May 2012 18:04:00 +0000

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As you probably know, France has elected a new president. His name is Francois Hollande. Birthers are now claiming that Hollande was not really born in France, but in Amsterdam.

So president Nicolas Sarkozy is out but there's a good chance Hollande will want Carla Bruni to stay on in his cabinet.

Mitt Romney says that President Obama's four years have been a disappointment. That's the very same thing George Bush's professors said when he left Yale.

I invited the neighbors over last night for a barbecue. I just couldn't wait to try out my New Jersey Tanning Mom Grill & Rotisserie.

You've probably seen pictures of that New Jersey woman who's obsessed with tanning. She's so dark, Donald Trump is insisting she was born in Kenya.

The woman won a beauty contest. She was crowned Miss Naugahyde.

Her name is Patricia Krentcil and you will remember that. McDonald's has named a French Fry after her.

Her husband complimented her on her leather outfit. She was naked at the time.

Gucci gave her a shoe endorsement.

She's done more tanning than a taxidermist.

When this woman dies, she'll be screaming, "I'M NOT DONE!"

President Obama announced yesterday that he supports gay marriage. Oh, he just said that because he wants to be best man at Barney Frank's wedding.

Openly gay congressman Barney Frank is getting married. Barney says that he wants a church wedding and all the guests will sit on the same side. After 31 years in the House, he's tired of reaching across the aisle.

Famed hair stylist Vidal Sassoon has passed away at the age of 84. And today, hair salons around the world will honor his memory. Their blow dryers will go silent for one minute.

..........thanks for reading!

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noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Mon, 07 May 2012 18:19:00 +0000

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Saturday was Cinco de Mayo. That's really become a big celebration in the United States. White Americans act like Mexicans for the day just to get an idea of what it's like to be in the majority.

Yesterday was Seis de Mayo. Otherwise known to amateurs as Day of the Heartburn.

Actually, Cinco de Mayo is Mexico's Independence Day. Mexicans stick their heads out of the ground and if they don't see a shadow, they run like hell across the border.

Saturday was also the running of the Kentucky Derby. Fans were in the parking lot at Churchill Downs early, drinking beer and grilling burgers and hot dogs. In horse racing, that's known as buggy gating.

I'll Have Another was the surprise winner of the Derby. The odds were 15-1. Which means that I'll Have Another was heard 15 times more in the bar than at the betting window.

An Australian billionaire plans to build a replica of the Titanic. He says he can save a lot of money in materials by building the ship with the holes already in it.

Ron Paul has won the majority of delegates in Maine. Apparently, Mitt Romney turned off Maine voters when he campaigned wearing an Armani suit and a lobster bib.

Last week, Ron Paul beat Romney in Louisiana. Romney didn't do himself any favors when he told voters that he always loves a big bowl of chicken gumby.

Vice President Joe Biden told Meet the Press that he's "comfortable" with same sex marriage. Biden said "As a matter of fact, I wouldn't change a thing about the sex in my marriage."

,,,,,,,,,thanks for reading

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 22:47:00 +0000

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John Edwards' trial is underway. If convicted, he could face up to 30 years in prison. It just goes to show you that politicians will do anything to live off taxpayers' money.

A powerful winter storm is rolling across parts of the Northeast. This must be sweeps week for the Weather Channel.

Kraft Foods has signed Lakers forward Metta World Peace to endorse its new box dinner. It's called Hard Hitting Elbow Macaroni.

In the Roger Clemens trial, would the results of the jury's voting be called a box score?

In San Francisco, 500 people protesting lending and foreclosure practices blocked the path of investors attending Wells Fargo's annual meeting. It got so bad the Wells Fargo people had to put their stagecoaches in a circle.

Pizza Hut has launched a cheeseburger crust pizza. The pizza is actually ringed with tiny cheeseburgers. Pizza Hut got the idea when one of its delivery drivers collided with a Burger King delivery driver.

Lindsay Lohan will play Elizabeth Taylor in an upcoming Lifetime Network movie. There's a big difference between Lindsay and Liz. Liz paid for her jewelry.

The Beach Boys have recorded their first new song in 20 years. Not that the Beach Boys are old, but Brian Wilson says he thinks the 45 will sell millions.

Sinead O'Connor has canceled a concert tour due to her struggle with bipolar disorder. She made the announcement at a press conference where she showed up with a full half head of hair.

A new case of mad cow disease has been discovered in a California dairy cow. If that wasn't bad enough for the dairy farmer, the rest of his cows were found to be lactose intolerant.

.....that's it for today...thanks for reading!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 18:23:00 +0000

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The News:

BeeGees' Robin Gibb has miraculously awakened from his coma after nearly two weeks. Doctors attribute it to Robin's "iron will". Or it could have just been his brother Barry's annoying whiny nasal voice.

Researchers say that statins such as Lipitor do not reduce the risk of melanoma. Statins are taken to lower cholesterol so this is surprising news....why?

LA Laker Metta World Peace was thrown out of a game over the weekend for flagrantly throwing an elbow to another player's head, causing a concussion. Thank God he's now World Peace...if he was still Ron Artest, he might have shot the guy.

A soccer ball that was apparently blown out to sea by the tsunami in Japan has been found on an American shore. Ironically, it was discovered by a homeless man whose job had been lost here in this country and was later found by a guy in China.

Neil Diamond has married again. He's 71 and his new bride is 42. She's also his manager. She told him, "Marry me unless you want to work in Branson the rest of your life."

Some observations:

Pizza should be used to teach geometry. It's round, it comes in a square box, and it's sliced in triangles.

And if we're supposed to eat three square meals, why are they served on round plates?

I've always wondered.....has anybody ever actually tried to get blood from a turnip?

Why do they call that thing a tire iron? It would never get the creases out of a tire!

Putting leftovers in Tupperware....you can burp your food before you eat it.

I overheard a guy in an airport, trying to buy an airline ticket. The ticket agent said, "I can get you on a non-stop flight." The guy asked, "Okay, but how do I get off?"

Thanks for reading!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 18:25:00 +0000

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Did you know that Jennifer Aniston spends $140,000 a year on her appearance? She only used to spend $130,000 and it really started to show. I mean, her friends were telling her, "Jen, you're letting yourself go. Come on, spend another ten grand!"

Lindsay Lohan was accused of hitting a guy with her Porsche while trying to escape the paparazzi. LA police say no one was hurt and the case is closed. Now, when the cops want to look at Lindsay's file online, they just click on the rolling eyes icon.

American Idol disqualified singer Jermaine Jones because he has several outstanding arrest warrants. Apparently, Idol figures he already has his start in the business.

A doctor in Massachusetts is offering free pizza to men who get vasectomies. You just order it from the nurse and you can even tell her to hold the sausage.

Imagine going in for a vasectomy and your doctor whips out a pizza cutter.

Not only do you get stitches, they also stick on one of those plastic things that look like a little white table.

It makes a vasectomy worth it. No more kids! Hey, more pizza for you!

The iPad is being blamed for eyestrain and other vision problems. To correct this, you may have to wear an iPatch.

.....just some silly stuff for Friday. Thanks for playing along!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

noreply@blogger.com (Wendel Potter) — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 21:28:00 +0000

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Police in Portland, Oregon stopped Lions' defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh for speeding Thursday afternoon. I'm not sure how fast Suh was going, but he'd just left Detroit on Thursday morning.

Police also gave Suh a ticket for not carrying proof of insurance. The Catholic Church gave Rick Santorum a medal for the same thing.

Daylight Saving Time began yesterday. We set our clocks ahead one hour and Ron Paul changed the batteries in his hearing aid.

Peyton Manning spent over six hours yesterday in meetings with the Arizona Cardinals. During the first three hours the Cardinals were on the phone to the governor's mansion assuring Jan Brewer that Peyton wasn't entering the state illegally.

In Colorado, the results of a billboard poll show that 60% of Denver Broncos fans favor quarterback Tim Tebow over Peyton Manning. Drivers voted by tapping their car horns when they passed a billboard that said "Honk if you love Tebow".

England's Prince Harry sat down for an interview with CBS. He says he wants people to know how normal he is. As a matter of fact, he plans to change his name to The Normal Guy Formerly Known As Prince.

How normal can you be when Elton John sees you and curtsies?

It's pretty hard to be normal when you find out as a child that the Wicked Queen in all those fairy tales is your grandmother.

Larry King will return to TV later this year with a new daytime talk show. He's scheduled between Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz. Not their shows, just between them in case he requires medical attention.

Larry's 78 years old. His biggest problem now is that his dentures slip and he keeps interrupting himself.

.........thanks for reading!

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