"F.A.C.E.L.E.S.S.

Play-Time is Over

2013-09-26T18:26:00.000-04:00

It is one thing to talk about Bipolar Disorder from the outside looking in. When your medications are spot-on, and your actions are, for lack of a better term, "normal", it can be fun and therapeutic to talk about your experiences. However, the scene changes a lot when you talk about your experiences from the inside looking out. Actually, when looking from the

ECT to the Rescue ... maybe

2013-09-14T20:10:00.000-04:00

I have never felt this low and out in my life. I have had situation occur that were mind-numbing and definite problems, but this depression has hold of me and I am not sure when or if it will let go. I have lost interest in most everything, and the things that do interest me are overshadowed by the thought that it will end, and I will be right back into the doldrums

2013-07-18T23:47:00.000-04:00

Damn. It is 11:45 am, and I am still awake. I need to take my meds by 8:00, and I didn't take them until nearly 10:00. I don't know why, but when I do this, sleeps comes much later. I require at least 8, preferably 9-10 hours. Less than that I can be a real SOB in the morning. Damn.

I'm Ba...aa...ck

2013-07-16T21:54:00.001-04:00

And time marches on, and on, and on. It is hard to keep up with blogging; no wonder there are so few hits. I swear to you that I will try harder, but lack of focus, attention do detail, and concentration are key elements to being a Bipolar sufferer. That is something that really pisses me off' people being afraid to be labeled as their disease. Come on, is it really necessary to pick a fight no

Up, Up and Away

2012-12-04T16:54:00.000-05:00

Remember, last week I had a minor meltdown at my therapist's office ... depressed, cutting, paranoia. You know, the normal tendencies of one suffering from bipolar disorder, OCD, ADHD and PTSD. She had me make an emergency appointment with my pDoc, which I did, and he squeezed me in that early afternoon. I thought because of the urgency

Slowing the Rabbit's Descent ... MAYBE

2012-11-29T18:25:00.001-05:00

Today my therapist saw some things that weren't quite right, and sent me to see my Psychiatrist pronto. She thought I might need to go to the hospital.The pdoc decided to try a med adjustment. He stopped the mirtazipine, and replaced it with zypexa

Down the Rabbit Hole ... Volume II

2012-11-27T16:03:00.001-05:00

Last January I was hospitalized ... a little psychotic, enraged, anxious and depressed ... worse than I've ever been. The result of my "incarceration" was the complete removal of all nine psychotropic medications (except Lithium - my core stabilizer). After a few days one was added and I was sent home, under the care of a new psychiatrist who. Over the next ten months, my progress (and

Sick & Tired ... and ... Sick & Tired ...

2012-11-16T21:10:00.001-05:00

Our Representatives in government do not represent me, and expect me to go through life as if I'm an idiot. I tire of rolling over while they spoon-feed me bullshit; I'm told something is true, and I choose to believe it since it's easier. Simple. Period. And I am ashamed ...

Down the Rabbit Hole; Volume I

2012-11-14T11:21:00.001-05:00

Like a wet blanket, depression engulfed me again. Since a total med "redo" last winter it's been my companion; sometimes more than others, but always there.With a steady increase in meds and dosages, depression slips further away. How far away, or for how long, will it go, I don't know. But of this I can be certain; it won't go far, and it won't be there long.Bipolar Disorder: the gift that keeps

NAMI Training

2012-11-07T21:44:00.001-05:00

Today I completed day one of NAMI's two day "In Our Own Voice" (IOOV) training. This trains and qualifies a person to share their personal experience of mental illness with fellow consumers, or groups who can benefit from the experiences.This answers a prayer for me, of being able to share my rather unique experience with those who might benefit.Praise God!

2012-09-10T22:37:00.001-04:00

You want to know the worst part of being a "bipolar blogger"? The worst part of being a "bipolar blogger" is, well, being bipolar. My intention has always been to post o a regular basis ... once a day, once a week, or whatever. My reality is that I do post regularly for a while, and then become distracted, for whatever reason, and time gets away from me. For years

Mental Illness ... A "Never-Win" Situation

2012-07-21T22:16:00.000-04:00

I have finally decided to face the fact that I will never get better. I've come face-to-face with this issue; I've stared it square in the face and ... I give. Now before you get on your great, big high horse, let me explain. I'm not ready to swallow the barrel, or swing from the yardarm, or drink down the cyanide cocktail. Sure, I've thought about it, and I can't say I never will ... who

Speaking Out: Gifts of Ministering Undeterred by Disabilities

2012-06-06T22:44:00.000-04:00

... AVAILABLE ... ... FINALLY ... ... AFTER A LONG WAIT ... An anthology of 25 stories by pastors who have been, and continue to live with, disabilities ... physical, emotional and psychological. This information has never before been made available in any form. Actually, this is the first forum of any kind where pastors openly shared their stories. If you care about your pastor,

Mike Freaks Out

2012-02-13T19:47:00.001-05:00

The Continuing Saga of Mike’s Adventure in “New Med Land” Started a new med yesterday, Trileptal (oxcarbazepine), used usually to control seizures. Since I’ve been going through quite a few med changes lately, I was leery of this new med from the start. When I woke up I was disoriented and felt a little short of breath. This really concerned me since this was listed as one of the

Day 2 Without Seroquel

2012-02-09T22:21:00.001-05:00

On Wednesday my pDoc, Dr. Rustagi, took me off Seroquel, a med that had been added just a few days earlier. I had taken it years ago, but it didn’t work well with me. This time I experienced extreme anxiety, leg pain, slurred speech and the “MI Shuffle”. I will call my pDoc back on Friday, and give him an update. If I am doing better, he will maintain my current schedule; if I am, he’ll

Test Post From Messenger to Blogspot

2012-02-08T19:53:00.001-05:00

I am experimenting with posting to my Blogspot blog directly from Windows Live Writer

2012-02-05T18:42:00.000-05:00

After hospitalization a couple of weeks ago, life has been pretty tough. Actually that is a lie, for life has been hell. I am stuck in a bipolar cycle that I can't seem to break out of. It comes in waves of nausea, along with my head feeling as if it is filled with "jello". The hardest symptom to deal with, and the one that scares me the most, is the anger and short fuse. This is not like me,

WATCH YOUR DOCTOR ... CAREFULLY!

2012-02-04T19:24:00.000-05:00

Please, please read the following very carefully, and take it to heart. I hope that by sharing my experience someone might benefit, and not go through what I went through. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I in 1994 and, over the years, have been prescribed over 20 different psychotropic medications. I started out taking one or two at the same time, then progressed to three, four,

2012-01-17T20:53:00.001-05:00

This state of depression I have been experiencing for months is really wearing me down. I talked to my pDoc two days ago, and all he did was prescribe more meds. I told him I was taking too many as it was, and I wasn't interested in taking any more. I told him I either needed to be hospitalized, or at the very least, IOP (Intensive Out Patient) treatment. His office arranged for a person to

One Way or Another

2012-01-16T22:19:00.000-05:00

It's happened ... I am at the lowest I've been since being diagnosed in 1994. I am at rock bottom, and my will, desire, drive, dedication, hygiene, cleanliness, caring ... all gone. I desperately need help. Saw my pDoc today, and he said he would put me on Seroquel ... a med I took nearly 12 years ago, and then was taken off. Another pill ... you have got to be kidding me. I am currently on

Average "Run Of the Mill" Normal

2012-01-10T18:03:00.000-05:00

Guess what I just figured out. We are all normal. Now feel free to just accept that at face value, and you can stop reading this blog ... no explanation necessary. Or you can allow me to elaborate. Now we are all who we are. Right? I don't think that point is up for debate. Of course, comparatively, we are all different, some more so than others. But we are at a place called normal within

2012-01-10T17:49:00.002-05:00

The following post may not be for all audiences. It may contain rough and objectional language; since I haven't written it yet, I'm not sure. But in all likelyhood this will be the case. So, lock the doors and bar the windows, put the kids to sleep, pour yourself a nice glass of single-malt scotch, and enjoy. For after over 6 years of posting on this blog, I feel it's time to "let my hair down" (

2012-01-09T19:25:00.000-05:00

Bullying Gets It's Day in Court It is about time that bullies were held accountable. Many people see bullying as harmless fun, but it is anything but that. It can cause a childhood full of fear and anxiety; trust me, I know. Every single day of my junior high and high school life was spent in fear of being beat up because I had said something to upset someone. This is serious and, not unlike

Eternal Roller Coaster Ride

2012-01-07T14:35:00.000-05:00

These past few months have been challenging. I've experienced the deepest depression ever, while at the same time having extremely violent outbursts. This really made me wonder how, or if it was possible to experience mania and depression at the same time. Last night I listened to a podcast of an interview with Terry Cheney, the author of Manic. She had experienced bouts of this mixed state

The Reality

2012-01-03T17:04:00.000-05:00

The one thing that frustrates me as a student and writer of mental illness is that it is so nebulous. All you can say with any certainty is that it is, wht it is, when it is. You can't even describe what exactly happened prior to or immediately after an episode, no matter how small or big. My contention is that it is not possible to understand what is in another persons mind, whether in the