"F.A.C.E.L.E.S.S.

Day 2 Without Seroquel

2012-02-09T22:21:00.001-05:00

On Wednesday my pDoc, Dr. Rustagi, took me off Seroquel, a med that had been added just a few days earlier. I had taken it years ago, but it didn’t work well with me. This time I experienced extreme anxiety, leg pain, slurred speech and the “MI Shuffle”. I will call my pDoc back on Friday, and give him an update. If I am doing better, he will maintain my current schedule; if I am, he’ll change

Test Post From Messenger to Blogspot

2012-02-08T19:53:00.001-05:00

I am experimenting with posting to my Blogspot blog directly from Windows Live Writer

2012-02-05T18:42:00.000-05:00

After hospitalization a couple of weeks ago, life has been pretty tough. Actually that is a lie, for life has been hell. I am stuck in a bipolar cycle that I can't seem to break out of. It comes in waves of nausea, along with my head feeling as if it is filled with "jello". The hardest symptom to deal with, and the one that scares me the most, is the anger and short fuse. This is not like me,

WATCH YOUR DOCTOR ... CAREFULLY!

2012-02-04T19:24:00.000-05:00

Please, please read the following very carefully, and take it to heart. I hope that by sharing my experience someone might benefit, and not go through what I went through. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I in 1994 and, over the years, have been prescribed over 20 different psychotropic medications. I started out taking one or two at the same time, then progressed to three, four, five until

2012-01-17T20:53:00.001-05:00

This state of depression I have been experiencing for months is really wearing me down. I talked to my pDoc two days ago, and all he did was prescribe more meds. I told him I was taking too many as it was, and I wasn't interested in taking any more. I told him I either needed to be hospitalized, or at the very least, IOP (Intensive Out Patient) treatment. His office arranged for a person to

One Way or Another

2012-01-16T22:19:00.000-05:00

It's happened ... I am at the lowest I've been since being diagnosed in 1994. I am at rock bottom, and my will, desire, drive, dedication, hygiene, cleanliness, caring ... all gone. I desperately need help. Saw my pDoc today, and he said he would put me on Seroquel ... a med I took nearly 12 years ago, and then was taken off. Another pill ... you have got to be kidding me. I am currently on 9

Average "Run Of the Mill" Normal

2012-01-10T18:03:00.000-05:00

Guess what I just figured out. We are all normal. Now feel free to just accept that at face value, and you can stop reading this blog ... no explanation necessary. Or you can allow me to elaborate. Now we are all who we are. Right? I don't think that point is up for debate. Of course, comparatively, we are all different, some more so than others. But we are at a place called normal within our

2012-01-10T17:49:00.002-05:00

The following post may not be for all audiences. It may contain rough and objectional language; since I haven't written it yet, I'm not sure. But in all likelyhood this will be the case. So, lock the doors and bar the windows, put the kids to sleep, pour yourself a nice glass of single-malt scotch, and enjoy. For after over 6 years of posting on this blog, I feel it's time to "let my hair down" (

2012-01-09T19:25:00.000-05:00

Bullying Gets It's Day in Court It is about time that bullies were held accountable. Many people see bullying as harmless fun, but it is anything but that. It can cause a childhood full of fear and anxiety; trust me, I know. Every single day of my junior high and high school life was spent in fear of being beat up because I had said something to upset someone. This is serious and, not unlike

Eternal Roller Coaster Ride

2012-01-07T14:35:00.000-05:00

These past few months have been challenging. I've experienced the deepest depression ever, while at the same time having extremely violent outbursts. This really made me wonder how, or if it was possible to experience mania and depression at the same time. Last night I listened to a podcast of an interview with Terry Cheney, the author of Manic. She had experienced bouts of this mixed state

The Reality

2012-01-03T17:04:00.000-05:00

The one thing that frustrates me as a student and writer of mental illness is that it is so nebulous. All you can say with any certainty is that it is, wht it is, when it is. You can't even describe what exactly happened prior to or immediately after an episode, no matter how small or big. My contention is that it is not possible to understand what is in another persons mind, whether in the

Are We There Yet?

2012-01-03T17:02:00.002-05:00

Are we there yet? These words uttered from the backseat on a relaxing vation can turn the calmest parent's nerves on edge. Little did I know I would be asking me those very same words, wishing for a completely different answer. Thise kids in the backseat wanted to arrive; I don't. The journey through mental illness is very unique and personal. At any given time you don't really know where you

KABOOM

2011-12-30T19:24:00.000-05:00

This afternoon "shit hit the fan" in the McKinney household. I had a major breakdown, and became violent, luckily toward things and not people. It scared me, it was exhausting and I didn't like it one bit. The problem is that it will happen again ... thus the name "bi-polar". I contacted my pDoc and he put me on Celexa. It wasn't a medication replacement, but an addition to my current 6 drug

Angelina's

2011-12-29T19:29:00.000-05:00

When I stopped working in 2010, my wife bought me a membership to a local cigar club. I have enjoyed fine cigars for nearly 12 years, but smoking them in public anymore is banned almost anywhere. In the summer I would sit outside, and in the winter would drive to a local cemetery, sit in the car and smoke. Angelina's is a cigar store that also has an attached area with over-stuffed leather club

Mental Illness Stigma Takes Another Hit

2011-12-28T20:20:00.000-05:00

Recently a 9 year old girl was killed, and her body dismembered by a "trusted" family friend who was acting as a babysitter. This man had taken care of the girl's mother's father as he died, and currently had the girl and her sister staying with him while their mother was sick. For reasons presently unknown he hit the little girl repeatedly in the head with a brick until she was dead. He then

A Walk Through the Swamp

2011-12-28T19:08:00.000-05:00

Today I continue my walk through McKinney Swamp. I started this last trek a few months ago, but the going is getting more and more difficult. It seems that with every step lately I am mired down deeper and deeper. In addition, a dense fog has set in. When I breathe in, the fog enters my nose and mouth; the air goes to my lungs, but the "fog" goes into my brain. Because of it my thoughts are

Times, They Are 'a (Life) Changin'

2011-12-27T21:05:00.001-05:00

The past few months have signaled a benchmark in my mental-health life. For the first time in my life I am experiencing a deep depression, not so deep that I am confined to bed, can't move or eat. I guess you could say that mine is a level above that; I am functioning, but usually in a zombie-like state, not caring for anything or trying at anything. The problem with me is this is lasting for

Summer Hiatus

2011-08-11T20:36:00.000-04:00

All the steam left my engines, all the wind bypassed my sails, and my oomph just went this summer. I think it was due to a depression that settled in; not severe, just life-controlling. I am also suffering a great deal with a significant memory problem, and it seems like it is taking up permanent residency. It is caused by the inability of my body to absorb and process vitamin B12, and even the

On Being Cool

2011-05-19T19:14:00.000-04:00

I wasn't born cool, I didn't grow into being cool or I I didn't learn how to be cool. Actually, by my very nature I have never been, am currently not, nor have I ever been classified as "cool". Oh, I've wanted to be, but I've never had a cool gene in my body. I was your basic nerd. I could play most sports, but never excelled at any. However, I was good at academics, so my life centered around

Let's Looks At Taking Meds From A Different Angle

2011-05-09T19:34:00.001-04:00

Just when I start to get comfortable on my current med regime, along comes the announcement that the medications prescribed to control Bipolar Disorder don't really make a difference. Isn't there enough proof in the fact that tens of thousands of people have been, and are currently being helped by their meds. This is just another way for the pharmaceutical companies to create another market (

"To Tell Or Not To Tell" - Shielding Our Children

2011-05-09T18:37:00.002-04:00

3626 Catherine Zeta-Jones' recent revelation that she has Bipolar Disorder was "big" news a few weeks ago, and this week an interesting question has arisen. Recently on The View her husband, Michael Douglas answered "no" to the question about whether or not they had told their two children, ages 8 and 10. At first I was strongly opposed to this approach. I think the more open we are about our

"Post Pubesent" Puberty?

2011-05-08T16:30:00.000-04:00

In 1994, when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, the doctor put me on the "med of the day", Paxil, first introduced in 1993. One unfortunate side effect for me was weight gain, something I previously had never dealt with. For most of my adult life I had hovered between 140 - 145 pounds. Once I began this med, I started to gain weight. The first month, I went up to 160#, the second

SO YOU THINK YOU ARE SO BAD ... just somethin' stuck in my craw

2011-05-03T21:25:00.001-04:00

As I was writing the previous post earlier today, I started wondering why some people think they have to find some excuse as to why God won't, or can't, love them. In my years in ministry, occasionally someone would tell me that, "God can't love / forgive me because ... blah ... blah ... blah". The "blah ... blah ... blah" was often replaced by, "I'm too bad", "I've done things too horrible to

2011-05-03T19:54:00.000-04:00

On one of the blogs I frequent, the topic of conversation over the past few weeks, off and on, has been the existence of God. People seem to think that when bad things happen to good people, God should intervene and make everything alright. So, they think, that when bad things do happen to good people, God is either not there, or doesn't love His children enough to make things right. What a "me,

WHAT AM I FORGETTING?

2011-04-28T20:02:00.000-04:00

The answer to this question is ... EVERYTHING. It's not that those who suffer progressive memory loss actually forget everything. But when they begin forgetting, or "misremembering" frequently, then even if you remember something correctly, you can't trust yourself, and the result is the same as if you forgot. This might sound a little strange, but I always feel like there is something I'm