Ubermensch

Curious Thought

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Mon, 20 Aug 2012 06:03:00 +0000

Reality check: PNP has never been as popular as it is recently.

Its a fact, and I won't argue: It is a VERY risky sexual practice. And yes, it is very alarming that a lot has been engaging in it, HIV positive or not (including those who do not know).

I won't even go into the details of PNP here. To put is simply, I have the following assumptions: (1)Participants are at the right age (2) No compulsion (3) Choices are laid down (rubber or bare).

Now, my question. Should someone who is fully aware that he is HIV positive, decides to engage in PNP session, be responsible for the others?

This may not be a valid question at all, but I still want to hear your thoughts.

Quick talk

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 07:54:00 +0000

1. I am alive.

2. I am single.

3. I am busy.

4. I am happy.

Relationship Status

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 08:17:00 +0000

I know C**** is a keeper. I feel it. And so I decided to get into a relationship with him. It has been more than two weeks now.

I have to admit though that I (still) don't love him. I'd be fooling myself if I say I already do. But just like any relationships I've been in to, LOVE was never a prerequisite. I always believed in building it, in nurturing it.

Though I know it would be very unfair to compare it to my last experience at relationships, I feel like this one's gonna build up slowly. I don't mean to spoil it, but I feel the thoughts at the back of my mind already are. Bummer. I can't help but compare my past relationships, how they started and things like that, especially with my last (then plays Adele's "Someone like You in the background).

Simply put, there weren't "fireworks" when it started.

Not that I am not sure with C****. In all fairness, I feel the sincerity, I feel the care. What I am not sure is myself, and my grand idea of what a partner and a relationship should be. Yes, I still have a "grand" idea of a partner and a relationship (plays Asher Book's "Someone to Watch Over Me")

Still, I wanna give it a shot.

Or maybe I should just stop over thinking it.

Who knows, maybe I become comfortable changing my Facebook relationship status to "in relationship with----" , soon.

Kaput!

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 11:41:00 +0000

Been talking to this guy for a while now. OK, he's my Facebook crushie. We're not really Facebook friends, but I've seen him, and has checked his page more than a dozen times. Then he got my number. I dunno how, but its most probably via Romeo.

Fast forward. We've exchanged messages via text. Have checked on each other quite a few times, until I finally decided to give him my FB account. We are now FB friends.

Anyway, everything is goin well until this exchange of messages via text today.

[Him] : OK, seen it. So your name is *****. Nice name, just like my brother's.
[Me] : Thanks. Anyway, whatever you know, you just keep it for yourself, ok?
[Him] : No worries, you can trust me. Take your meds and be safe always.
[Me] : I am not yet on meds.
[Him]: Ok, pero wag kana manghahawa ok? (Ok, but do not infect others anymore, ok?)

(Me: at this time, I already got my eyeballs rolling)

[Me] : And whats that supposed to mean?
[Him] : You're smart, you know what I mean. I actually have a friend who has it too, pero di na siya nakikipagsex. (I actually have a friend who has it too, but he doesn't have sex anymore)
[Me] : No worries, I know my dos and donts.
[Him] : Ok, good.
[Me] : I know how to take precautions, but to NOT have sex, that must be hard.
[Him] : I know, pero baka makahawa ka nga. Pano mo ba nakuha yan? (I know, but you might infect others. anyway, how did you get that?)

(My high hopes are starting to turn into frustrations)

[Me] : I got it from my last BF. But doesn't matter now how I got it.
[Him] : You had sex with him 'unsafe'?
[Me] : Why not? He was my BF and I love him. (in my mind: Yeah, I know there is something faulty about this reasoning)
[Him] : Nakikipagsex sex ka ng walang condom kaya mo nakuha yan! (You engage in sex without using condom that's why you had that!)
[Me] : He was my BF and I trusted him. Though I always got myself tested, and always turned negative, I never got him to get tested. Maybe I was careless. But blaming anybody wouldn't change the fact that I already have it.

(Then I went on with my kilometric messages)

[Me] : Is that a mockery?
[Him] : No, sorry if you felt that way.

Good start gone Kaput!

Big sigh!

Poopf!

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Sun, 14 Aug 2011 06:01:00 +0000

Let’s get one thing straight-- dating is hard. Uncomfortable, agonizing, unpleasant, awkward, and well, just plain hard.

Imagine going on a first date, and it is the most amazing date that you have had in quite some time. He is sweet, charming, smart, funny, attractive, blah blah blah. At the end of the date he grabs your chin and pulls you close for a gentle kiss. On the way home you get a text from him “Had a great time, lets hang out this weekend!”

Now cut to the second date. He is even more attractive and charming than you remember. The conversation turns flirty. The dirty kind of flirty that almost crosses the line but remains playful. At the end of the date he puts his hand around the small of your back and pulls you in close. His pelvis presses gingerly up against yours as he kisses you. He kisses you for the next ten minutes. The kind of kissing that shakes you to the core, you might even stammer a little. You say your goodbyes and you leave with your red face.

The next day you are giddy like a school girl. Skipping around your apartment and singing show tunes, then you abruptly stop. It feels as if someone just kicked you in the gut! FUCK, you haven’t told him you are positive, yet.

You know that it will probably be the end of the… well, those red faces... Again, FUCK!

Its been more than three years now since I decided to go on exclusive date with someone. We became domestic partners for a year and eight months. Now, almost a year and a half after the break up, I have never found myself dating anyone in particular. Moreso, I also never considered being romantically involved with anyone, anymore.

What seem to be the problem?

J was the last BF I had before I got converted.

I used to go out on some dates after our break up, but after a while, seem to have lost interest in the dating scene altogether. It became harder for me to be at my comfort level, telling the potential partner my stories while at the same time trying to do self censorship as not everything can be shared, unlike before.

It became harder to build ties and connections.

I realized I was unconsciously holding back.

While I can still be very much attracted to a man, I cannot seem to hold my interest for very long. I have to admit that in most times, I allow my HIV status to get me too anxious or distracted to allow intimacy to thrive.

Sure, there is a wide spectrum of attitudes towards HIV nowadays. There are those HIV negative guys who proclaim to be OK dating HIV positives. Other men feel very informed, and have made peace with the risks of modern life.

But c'mon, life is more complicated than that! While you claim to be fine with it, I still have some issues causing someone to become HIV positive.

There times I consider going exclusive with a fellow Poz. But is it really easier to date someone who has the same HIV status you do? In many ways, the answer may be yes. For one, dating another positive guy means the dynamics of self-disclosure are a lot different; there’s no need to worry about whether the guy will say something insensitive or reject you out of hand.

But can we really choose who? FUCK!

Terribly S.I.C.K!

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 09:26:00 +0000

No, not me. I am perfectly fine.

I found this site ( http://lastsexofanhiv.blogspot.com ) from a friend's post in Facebook. This site inadvertently name names/profiles of people who are "supposed" HIV/AIDS Positive Spreader (to use his words precisely). Whoever created this, i think, is sick. Very, very sick!

I have to admit that upon scrolling down the page, I was somehow worried my profile would be there and I was already thinking of freaking out. LOL. Anyway, I went on reading the page and tried to ponder.

I really don't know what the intent is, but whatever it is, it already earned my contempt. It hides behind the cloak of "concern and compassion".

Whether the people whos names and profiles are real HIV/AIDS infected or falsely accused won't even be of much significance to me---whether it is true or not, these people deserve the same regard and respect as everyone else.

I understand that HIV/AIDS in the country has reached a number most of us wouldn't even imagine, and it is a good thing to know that there are people and group who acts to solve the problem. But at the same time, there are those individual who very often hide nicely behind the cloak of righteousness.

I won't come clean. I, too make wrong judgments. But to go as far as this goes beyond mere lapse of judgment, but extends to ignorance and disrespect.

OK. So we all suffer insult, and we all feel hurt, and we all tend to sink into fantasies of revenge. Some of us then “get angry” and violently act out the fantasies in real life. And some of us just push everything out of awareness and pretend we are “concerned” persons.

This blog may be trying to 'save the world'. The intentions may well be very noble. But then again, I believe it is not all the intentions that counts. We cannot cure an open wound by taking cough medicines.

In all of these, let me just say--

If you want to change the world, begin by changing yourself.

If you want the world to be more fair, treat the world fairly even when you are treated unfairly.

If you want the world to be more kind, treat the world with kindness and return a blessing for every insult.

Show the world by your good actions—not by empty protest or violence—that you are willing to live according to what you profess to believe.

Not Really a Comeback

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 09:02:00 +0000

No, this isn't my 'comeback' into blogging. Not that I have fallen out of love into writing, just that I don't want to commit into something I cannot carry on (just like taking ARVs and so I chose to suspend startin the regimen).

I just celebrated my 29th birthday, my last hurrah before I step into a new decade. I’ve taken a brief break from my current work-home-and-a-few-socials routine to write. I suppose birthdays are afterall a natural time to reflect upon where you're at and what you're doing. And this has been a great year to reflect upon.

I’ve realized that as I grow older, I have become more keenly attuned not only to the quickness of time, but also to the shortness of life. No, not that i feel like I am dying anytime. In fact, I am feeling fitter and stronger than I have in a few years, and am looking forward to feeling even better in the future.

However, I have got stuck back into my plan to ARV regimen. As plans go, it's pretty basic to start off with. I have already made appointments in my to complete my baseline tests, but that has remained a plan. I don't want to feel bad about it though, that just because its planned and that I've a 260 count (based on my last)I feel obligated to do it. Its not that if I disobeyed what the doctor says, the whole structure of my life would crumble.

Hopefully, the day will come when I don't need to play little psychological tricks on myself, but it isn't here yet. I am not in a rush though. I know things will fall into places.

I've learned to be not too hard on myself. I don't want to push myself too much anymore as I did growing up. Not that regret it. On the contrary, I think it is good that I pushed myself to hard at an early age. I have accomplished more than people my age have-- I've traveled the world, got a very good education and a good job. But of course it came with a price, just like everything else.

I sometimes feel like I pushed my self way too much that I sometimes feel burned. And so I now try to just glide instead of resist-- let things fall into proper place and time.

Of course, the past year hasn't been all good, all perfect. I still feel crappy at times, wake up at the wrong side of the bed, gets a bad hair day. But all in all, I'm so thankful for the year, not an event is regretted.

Hasta Luego!

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Tue, 31 May 2011 12:51:00 +0000

Only when we stop caring that everything becomes insignificant.

I still, and always will.

Just being selective about it.

For now, I guess this is where we part.

Hasta luego!

Ambivalent

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Thu, 05 May 2011 15:57:00 +0000

I received a 'surprise' text message from J yesterday, the first in the past 2-3 months I guess.

He said he read my blog, asked how I am, and if the one I was referring to is my 'friend' he knows. Of course I didn't confirm nor deniy it. I wouldn't.

Anyway, I didn't know how to feel hearing from him again. I was excited, I had to admit. But more than that, I felt more defensive. I didn't want my life 'touched' again, that was at the back of my mind, but at the same time, wanting to be in touch with him again just like the old times.

I'd like to think I have everything in place at the moment. I've learned not to find confines somewhere or from someone else when I feel low. I got used to deal with things just by myself. I was fine with that.

Now my defenses seem to be on the verge of collapse, again.

I don't wanna get tempted. I might totally break down.

that's life, 1 + 1 is always 2

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 23:17:00 +0000

i'll go straight to the point-- my closest friend just tested positive.

it pains me more than it did finding out about mine.

that's life, is what he said. yes, i wouldn't argue anymore.

but life could have been better.

in any case, we will both embrace it-- we will live positively (pun intended)

Dear Immune System

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 16:32:00 +0000

Dear Immune System,

It has come to my attention that your job performance has been rather sub-par lately. Since keeping me well is your one and only task, I would really appreciate it if you could step it up a notch. I know I have been working more than hard lately-- spending 13-15 hours in the office when I'm only required to do 8, thinking and taking others' problems and all that, but you have to understand that I am doing these to be able support you with huge amounts of supplements such as vitamins, but even with this assistance, you seem to be failing me.

I have a life to run, for gosh sakes, and I can't keep letting illness get me down. Needless to say, I'm disappointed. I know that a back pain isn't the worst thing in the world, but you try getting through your day with your shoulders wanting to fall off and see how you like it!

Immune System, I will try to do my part-- take vitamins, not stress myself too much, shy away from (some) vices, and get plenty of rest when I can (hopefully thats soon). For the meantime, all I am asking is that you do your part as well. I would greatly appreciate your assistance with this matter.

You know I still love you.

Sincerely,

D-Ubermensch

Missing J*

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 06:47:00 +0000

All it takes is a phone call but I can't do it.

Maybe I just don't know how to start!

(s)W(e)ET Dream

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 09:02:00 +0000

I haven't gotten the chance to write and update my blog recently. Work has gotten too much of my time, and all I want to do when I get home is to sleep, and sleep some more. This is not an exaggeration.

I haven't had sex for a while now, too (now thats an indication that I really have no time), but I won't say am having a 'dry spell'.

Oooops, just a caution: Read further at your own risk. Now that you are warned, you can proceed.

I am not fond of touching myself either. I really don't find pleasure in masturbating. I don't wanna take it with my own hand. LOL. Or ever I had to do it, I'd prefer doing mutual masturbation with someone. Otherwise, I'd rather sleep IT off.

Anyway, despite my uber busy sched, nature really has its way to balance things out.

I got home 12:00MN from work last Wednesday and went straight to bed. The next thing I know, I was in deep slumber. I woke up at 5am, and felt somethin sticky in my boxers. I knew it-- I just had nocturnal emmission.

I don't remember dreaming that night really. I don't have vivid thoughts nor any recollection whatsoever as to what it was, but I know I got excited to the point that I reached orgasm without me knowing it.

I know it sounds funny, and I couldn't help but laugh whenever I think about it. As far as I know, wet dreams are for teens, and I think I am way past that stage. I can't even remember the last time I experience it, or if I ever did growing up.

So, goin back to my point-- I have no time. I have no time to write. I have no time for sex. I have no time that nature makes it way to satiate the subconscious.

Bummer!

I think I need to make time for IT, soon!

Unsolicited Advice

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 15:39:00 +0000

Unsolicited advice is what you get when you give someone who isn’t listening, counseling they didn’t ask for, offering recommendations you probably aren’t even following yourself.

I recently created a profile in one gay social network, and has gotten quite a few messages from people. They are usually inquiries, though (as if I didn't post my blog link there so they can refer to it, duh?). But this one I am posting below got me-- got me not in an interesting way, but somehow got me a bit uncomfortable. Let me just be clear, I am NOT in any way uncomfortable with the person, but uncomfortable with the situation.

Maybe, I am simply not comfortable with an unsolicited advice, whether giving it or being given one.

Here goes the conversation:

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 09:37 : hi

d-ubermensch 08. Feb. 2011 - 09:49: hi also

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 09:51: musta k?

d-ubermensch 08. Feb. 2011 - 09:53: am doin great. and you?

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 09:54: ok nmn.. im waiting for the confirmatory result from doh

d-ubermensch 08. Feb. 2011 - 09:55: oh, you've had test already?

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:00: oo fren reactive nga. dont worry tpos n aq s period n depress. im accepting it pra positv mn lumbs sa confirmtory ok n aq..kw musta k? ng arv kb?

d-ubermensch 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:01: no, i havent been takin arv, though my doctor has been suggesting that for a long time now. am stubborn. hehehe

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:03: take mu fren pra humba tym mu..san b clinic mu? libre nmn.

d-ubermensch 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:04: well, id like to forego as much as i can. i think am in good shape. but for sure, ill take that soon.

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:06: take it plssss....fren sana mging txtmate din tyu..me nkilala aq d2 positv xa..mabait xa ngturo lht pnu ggwin ko. sana tyu din mging ok.

d-ubermensch 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:08: i will take it, in time. i dont like it forced nor want to do it just because. =D

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:11: depende nmn sa cd4 yn..mtaas b yun sau?

d-ubermensch 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:16: its not all about CD4. arv is a lifetime commitment, and i dont wanna commit to something i cannot fulfill just yet. ill get there when i find it time to do so

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:17: time is running my fren i hope u realize that soon.

d-ubermensch 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:22: living with HIV is not just about arv. there are things to the life of an hiv positive aside from the nudge and the constant reminder that its there. its living it, and living with it =D

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:26: nu number mu?

d-ubermensch 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:28: uhmmm. sorry, cant give my number just yet.

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:39: ok lng pg ok n txt me 092784****** (I edited the number)

Anyway, what do I wanna say? Unsolicited advice is almost useless for one simple reason-- many lessons must be learned, not just intellectually, but emotionally. It is NOT simply a plain statement of facts. Taking action to change your life requires not only thought, but intent, and intent is driven by our internal pain and pleasure associations.

I recognize, though, that while they may seem useless in most cases, unsolicited advice is usually motivated by a genuine desire to help the other person. Specially for those who’ve 'been there and done that', the temptation to offer unsolicited advice can be very overwhelming. Avoiding doing so feels almost like watching someone go into cardiac arrest and not calling an ambulance. But there’s a big difference between the analogy and the reality-- The ambulance will actually help that person; unsolicited advice will not.

Moreso, while some may be give out unsolicited advise out of pure intentions to mean well, others do so to validate their own point of view. This kind of advice is often given to or by people you don’t know really well, or given about a subject you’ve just started learning and are looking to feel smarter about by giving other 'newbies' advice. In both cases, this is more often motivated not so much by helping the other person as by 'needing to be right.'

Not that I am totally discounting the values of an unsolicited advise. When they are genuinely motivated by the desire help, unsolicited advice can be okay, in microscopic doses.

I, myself, give unsolicited advise, one way or another. My writing, for example is one outlet I use to give (unsolicited) advice. It allows me to say anything I want, only that it is consumed only with reader consent. If you don’t want my advice, you don’t have to read it.

So, my advise to those who give unsolicited advice? Never overuse it. Learn to get the hints that you have been going too far.

The (Honorary) Third Wheel

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 19:57:00 +0000

I may not have a boyfriend nor a steady partner now, but I have found myself comfortable with singlehood, though I still go out on dates, more dates that is, lately. However, recently, I have found myself involved in some relationships that I feel like I should be declared an 'honorary' third-party. Thrice over. Maybe more. I really can’t even keep track any more.

I never really thought about it before. I mean, it was never an issue for me, until a recent conversation, ok, more like flirting/chasing game with someone, who is also 'coupled', that got me into thinking.

Don't expect this to be a defense of the mistress. I am not advocating it, just to be clear. I just happen to be in it, and simply want to share my stories and some thoughts.

My stories are not the typical 'other-man' or 'other-woman', or 'other-gay', if we must call them that. Unlike the usual scene wherein the "other-person" does not know the whole truth about their new 'friend', who has withheld the information that they are already hitched, which eventually caused the the attachment of stigma to the 'other person' as the 'home-wrecker', the 'bitch', or whatever you may call them, mine are all consentual.

This is not to say that this makes the act right. But I also maintain that the act isn't wrong, to begin with.

Here are my stories:

I met J. We dated. Then parted ways. I went back with my (then)BF, while I haven't heard from him. The next time we met, hes coupled, and is happy. I kept seeing J despite knowing that he is taken. He was also OK with that. I promised him and his BF though that I wont get in between their relationship. I promised not to cause their relationship any trouble, and I stand by that.

We see each other when we want to see each other, when it is convenient for us to go out for lunch, or dinner, or simply a stroll. We don't force it when we can't.

I'll admit, at times I wish I am his BF instead. But then again, I know he is happy with what he has now. I am happy that J is happy with his BF.

The same goes with G, my recent vacationship. We see each other when we can, when it is convenient. We try to enjoy what we have as much as we can.

The past 2 weeks, his BF came to visit him so we haven't gone out for a while now. Was I sad about that? Was I devastated that he is with someone instead of me? NO.

I knew that when I started the vacationship with G, we can only go as far. I knew where we stand, and I wouldn't wanna cross the line that I myself draw.

During the time that I haven't been seeing G, I chanced upon someone, A. We met online, and after couple of messages, we decided to go out for dinner.

I won't deny that A is attractive, and is easy to get along with. We went out for a few more dates.

But we were trapped in the same dilemma-- he is taken.

Its funny how he would make a joke out of our situation. He would tell me that he likes my hair, and that he likes my smile. He would ask me the things that I do and would eagerly share to me his passions for the same things. He would tell me he likes me, then in the end would say, that I am falling for him (where in fact we know that we both can't fall with each other)

I would tell the joke in return, that he has fallen in love with me. Then its always punctuated by a comfortable silence and a good laugh.

I still see A. We would go out and have time together when we can. I haven't met his BF yet, though I've already talked to him online. We are planning to set up a dinner together one of these days.

Finally, just a few days ago, I had a very interesting conversation (which led to flirting and some admissions) with someone. I've met him through a friend, a poz friend. We never saw each other after that initial meet up, and just started to be in touch online lately.

I would admit that he is an interesting guy and is very likable. He is smart and has the maturity that can follow my (wicked) sense of humour. I love talking to him, and I'd like to think he feels the same. But to take his words, he likes me and would take me "only is hes not attached".

He is very open though. He is very open to the possibilities that can come from what we have now, and I am somehow happy with that.

Yes, it may seem terribly easy to look at this from an outsider's perspective, and make some judgments from there. It is a big NO-NO! I even get that from close friends, and I don't blame them.

It is understandable. The 'other person' usually is portrayed as that which causes any of the couple to cheat, hence, destroy the 'relationship' in the end. And that is clearly, without any question unacceptable.

But this is not the love triangle portrayed in movies.

Although I acknowledge that there are men/women out there who prefer dating a committed man/woman to purposely cause troubles in the relationship, there are also some who just happen "to be in that situation", a situation where they try to build a relationship with someone, only with the antecendent 'that someone is committed'.

Just like any relationships, the essential is that someone wants to build a relationship from pure intentions, and whatever the antecedent may be, I think that alone is enough reason to give it a chance and spare it from the misconception that all affairs of this sort are the result of the deceit.

Afterall, ALL is fair in love.

Another Vacationship

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 04:46:00 +0000

Its been a while since my last vacationship, moreso, a real relationship. Maybe am just NOT the type who clings on the idea of a constant companion. I feel sufficient on my own.

I admit, I miss it at times. Ok, I can be a hopeless romantic so I miss it every so often. But I know how to control the cravings for some warm body to sleep with and hug during the cold nights, sit someone over the dinner table, and all that, though. Ok, more like I know how to suppress it. I can and have lived the ultimate single life, and have learned to appreciate and accept the ups and downs of singlehood. But a little spice every once in a while wouldn’t be bad, I guess.

And so, I am (once again) in a Vacationship.

It started online. The typical hi and hellos, then some casual conversation and a good amount of teasing, until we finally decided to meet last night. G got me initially with a nice picture of a man with tight and toned skin.

But I have to admit he got me more when we met. Hes got the swagger. I can tell from the way he stands and the way he walks as he approached me on my table in a coffee shop in Greenbelt where I decided to meet him. G initially exuded just the right amount of arrogance enough to be called confident,but far from being cocky.

So, what makes this liaison different to any I’d had previously was that there was a definitive deadline. We both knew he'd only be around for 2 months, and that he will fly back to his significant other.

So, does this bother me? Not at all. We have been very open as to what the expectations would be, and I guess we set the expectations right. In fact, I think this definitive deadline will serve to both accelerate and heighten the nature of our interactions. We can just effectively spend the rest of the time we have together to just have fun and share good time. We get all the perks of a relationship, without the hassles, and without any thoughts about our future.

Even though most relationships we have when we’re young do have a deadline (even if we’re not aware of it), this is something that is admittedly difficult to acknowledge to your partner, or even to yourself when you have strong feelings for them. And yet, this serves to make my time with G wholly good because time spent doing anything un-fun would be time wasted. We aren't long-term prospects for one another, but we make for pleasant company and a pleasant few days.

It’s a shame that time, as a general rule, isn’t appreciated more, and vacationships are one of those rare instances where it is outlined for you. You can let things slide that might otherwise cause fundamental problems between two people, because most things are tolerable in the short term.

Relationships come in many different forms, and not all of them have to be undertaken with even the hope of any kind of long-term eventuality. As long as both people know what’s going on, there’s no reason that a vacationship can’t be just as ‘successful’ as a more conventional relationship, but its success is defined by different parameters.

There is no shame in enjoying someone’s company and acting like one of those nauseating couples for a few days, even if you have no interest in taking it further. After all, holidays are for relaxing, not burdening yourself with a long distance relationship thereafter.

I Got Inked

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 15:19:00 +0000

Halfway through the month of the new year and I am just on my first post. I haven't been too busy lately. Neither was I sick or something like that for me not to be able to write. I just can't find a good topic. I mean, I can't think of a good material to write about.

I still don't have a good material, but today I thought I can write about my Tat. Yeah, I got my first tattoo yesterday (finally) after a long time of contemplation.

I have always wanted to have a tattoo but only settled for henna every chance I have. I simply just never had the courage to brave needle pricks and blood. But I guess, my recent and more-than-usual experience with blood and needles lately have finally taken that fear aside and I finally decided to get inked.

Anyway, I had an Ouroboros stamped on my pelvic. Well, it is more like a modified version of the traditional serpent chasing and eating its own tail. I had a dragon, instead. Also, instead of the usual Ouro forming a circle, I had it form a lemniscate (that symbol like the number 8).

So why an Ouro? Traditionally, the snake/dragon devouring in its own tail symbolizes the cyclical Nature of the Universe-- creation out of destruction, Life out of Death. The ouro is the symbol of constant creation. Its an eternal cycle of renewal.

It is the Infinite.

I wont bore you with a Philosophy lecture, although I can and would love to talk about Kant's concept of infinity, but more or less, that is the idea. The Ouro is the visual representation of Kant's first principle (as I understand him.)

My Ouro. The Infinite. That which is the beginning and the end of all things.

(PS. Pics cannot be posted since I haven't fully disclosed and might be recognized. =D)

Two Years Ago

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Sun, 19 Dec 2010 18:00:00 +0000

Its exactly two years today when I met the man that forever changed my life, literally and figuratively. Yes, he WAS my boyfriend, and we went on for a year and a half. He was the man who I had the best and the worst of life.

I was living THE life. Young. Driven. Ambitious. I was an achiever.

Then came a sudden halt. I met him.I decided to settle down. Live a domestic life.

I was happy. We were happy.

I know for once, I LOVE!

I guess I was overwhelmed by Love. I let myself be consumed by love. I let my defenses down.

We've spent the days as real lovers in love. We went to places. We explore new things. We made love.

Fast forward. 11 months after, we both tested positive.

My heart was broken. I was living the life, and in love. Young. Driven. Ambitious. And I am positive.

I was devastated. I was in denial at first. I cannot be positive. I have always been tested, and always tested negative.

He, on the other had, has not been tested in three years. He knew he could be positive, but remained quiet.

I wanted to blame him. But I wouldn't blame anybody for the choices I make. I chose to love.

Now, two years since I met him, and a little more than a year being positive, I am a new man.

Not so Young. At times Indifferent. Distraught.

But despite all that, I LOVED!

Two years ago, I met a guy. He gave me the best the worst.

I am forever thankful.

I am (NOT) Stubborn!

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Sat, 11 Dec 2010 08:33:00 +0000

I am due for my second CD4 Test this month. The last time, I was at 260. I am hoping for at least +50.

I went to PGH last Wednesday to get my schedule for my second CD4 Test and also to have my check up since I have been having bad cough and colds for a few days now. I also am feeling unusually weak recently. I am not sure if it is just the usual psychosomatic me, but in any case, I decided to get checked.

The findings-- I am NORMAL. My doctor checked my temperature, breathing, and all vital signs and all came up normal. She asked me about my cough and colds, and if I am doing anythin about it, and I told her, I am just taking lots of liquids and vitamins in the past 3-4 days. I have been trying NOT to take medicines as much as I can and just let my body function as normal, but I know at times, it is failing me. Still, I give it a chance, and my doctor agreed on it. She advised me to just forego taking cough and cold meds or any antibiotics just yet, but if my cough and cold persists until next week, then I have to go back to her to get checked further.

And so, we proceeded to discussing my ARV (yet again).

Although I've agreed to start with the treatment already, I have yet to complete a few more test (i.e., Hepa Profile and Syphilis). Its been a little more than 2weeks since I told my doctor that I will complete the remaining tests so I can start with the ARV, but still haven't done so. I am committed to having it completed before the year ends, though. So, with that, we ended the session with a good laugh, with her saying "Ikaw ang pinaka pasaway kong pasyente (you are my most stubborn patient".)

Moving forward, my scheduled CD4 test at San Lazaro. I went down with a bad cold and fever the morning of my scheduled test and was not able to get off my bed. In short, I missed it. I told Celene (the Nurse in charge of scheduling), but as usual, I think that my next schedule will be 2-3 months from now. I couldn't complain, though. Thats just how it works.

For the meantime, I'm trying NOT to worry about it all. I am taking it one thing at a time. I am trying to (re)build my constitution and (still) trying to be as healthy as I can, get this cough and cold out. I've been doing a lot of bed-rest for the past few days, working from home, and hopefully, I'll feel better in no time.

Death Note

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Sat, 04 Dec 2010 13:17:00 +0000

I was watching Glee's "Special Education", and a particular scene got my curiosity-- Rachel asking Kurt "Do you ever fantasize about your own funeral?" I mean, how many people actually fantasize, or even think, to say the least, about their own Death?

Admittedly, I've been through that stage of being absolutely intrigued with death. I've been drawn to morbid interests early on starting through my Romeo and Juliet, and titanic and holocaust phase. It then grew into my obsession with Quentin Tarantino and war movies, until I discovered the concept of suicide when I was in the University. I even spent a great deal of research to know and understand suicide not just in a general and ordinary everyday discourse, but most of the underlying philosophical concepts about it.

I was also very into the discussions I conduct in my classes about Death and Dying. I loved my discussion on the metaphysics of death, the ethics of dying, and the many philosophical aspects of it. I can surely talk about Death, but I realized after a while that I was talking about Death as a concept, and NOT the experience of Death as related to my person, that is MY Death.

I am not gonna talk about what Death is (or what it is not as others prefer to talk about it)as a general concept. I would instead talk about MY views on MY Death.

So how do I like my death to be?

I want death to come in my 40s. I don't wanna die (too) old. I think I would have accomplished a lot at that age. I don't want the mere redundancy of living, so one experience of things and events would be enough for me. I would have traveled to (most) places I always wanted to be in, have eaten most of the food I wish, and things like that, and the ones I have yet to experience, I can just let them stay like that. Afterall, I don't need to experience everything in life, but rather, just need to experience what I have.

I don't want a weeklong wake. I just want it to last 2-3 days. I don't need a lot of people to come and visit my wake, too. I'd have a list of the people I want to be there, and its gonna be just a short list.

I am not really particular on how my casket would be. It can go in the shade of white, but I'd like it to be grayish or silver.

I want my clothes to be changed everyday in the 2-3 days that I would lie in my coffin, open for public viewing. I want my purple long sleeves, with a dark gray/silver tie and a black slim cut coat on my first day, then a classic black shirt and a red tie (still with the coat), on my second day, and finally, a 3-piece suit (white shirt with a butterfly tie and a vest, just like one in those classic movies)on my last day.

I want my wake to be at my aunt's place in the province (where my dad was laid on his last days), not too far from my family's house. Its a family house at a hill, with an open greenery, and a nice 360 degree view of everything in the surrounding. I want it to be quiet, and far from the busy city life. I feel like I've been in the city for most of my life, and would like to be back home on my last days.

I want my mom, and the rest of the family to do the traditional 'cooking' for my guests. My mom cooks very well, and I want her to cook the one I usually cook. My cooking has always been compared to my mom, and for the last time, I would like to have people taste how I usually do 'food'.

I already have a playlist prepared for my wake. I want these songs to be played repeatedly in my wake:

In the Arms of an Angel (Sarah McLachlan)
Strangers in the Sky (Jason Mraz)
Such Great Heights (Iron and Wine)
Collide (Howie Day)
I've Had a Time of My Life (Any version)
Fame (Irene Cara)

I also want a photo presentation on the last day of the wake. I want my friends to share photos I have with them.

Finally, I want my friend, L, or J, to do the Eulogy.

This isn't a farewell post. Neither do I feel Death coming,well, at least not so soon I hope.

Its just one of those days.

A Year That Was

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 18:07:00 +0000

Last night was my first anniversary as a poz. I had a strong urge to go (back) to Malate where I first found out about IT. But unlike last year, I didn't have my friends with me. I opted to go on my own, and just look back.

I looked back at the whole year that was, and noted a few HIV related things and events which have caused me heartbreaks, anxious moments, as well those that taught me some important life lessons. Lemme run down my list:

1. I found out through a random test conducted in Malate that I was indeterminate, while my (then)BF was positive on Nov. 28. I managed to stay calm the night and partied with the rest of my friends, but had my hardest cry when we got home. My cry was more for my (then)BF, than it was for me. I assured him that WE will go though it together. A year later, I am no longer with him. We broke up in August, but I kept the promise that I'll go through IT with him. We don't see each other often, but we still get to check each other once in a while.

2. I received an offer for a teaching position at the Royal Academy in Saudi in February, but had to decline the offer. I know I simply can't accept the offer due to my status. I applied in September for a teaching position knowing I was (still) negative (since I just tested negative in July), and had to go through a rigid selection process, only to end up not able to accept an offer. This caused me a major heartbreak. I'd love to be back in the academe (and be compensated accordingly), but I guess I have to put my passion parked at the moment.

3. I broke up with my (then)BF in April, and met J (again, after not seeing him for more than half a year). J has then become my source of strength and inspiration. No, we are not romantic, but he has always been there to give me constant reminders of the things.

4. I developed my first HIV-related infection (or at least I think) in May. My chickenpox virus have been reactivated and developed into Herpes Zoster or shingles. I had to experience pain I never knew before. I still see the marks left by my shingles now, though they're no longer as visible as before, and still feel the pain in my nerves at times, but I learned to overcome and manage pain.

5. I had another nudge of my HV reality in a form of another infection in July. I had a small wound in my pointer finger which grew to a very big infection, that it raptured (for a lack of better word) half of my finger. It took me more than a month and countless antibiotics to get my wound dry up and finally heal. I felt HIV knockin in as my body cease to repair itself anymore.

6. I finally decided to take on a new job, and undergo pre-employment medical examination in September. I was initially tagged 'Unfit to Work' and had to retake some tests, blood tests in particular. Anxiety attacked as I got too worried I may not pass the med exam and not get the job, and at worst, may be forced to disclosure.

7. I came into terms with myself and finally decided to start on ARV in November. I am just finalizing my baseline test (I have yet to take my Hepa and Syphilis profile) and I can start. I am ready.

I know its still gonna be a long way, and it may prove harder. As if life is not hard enough without having to face living with something as serious a HIV positive diagnosis. I have allowed my self to feel so low and beat down. I guess its normal and it is better than face the bigger challenge of dealing with my feelings of self-betrayal.

I choose to share these words of hope and empowerment with you for yourself or someone who may know someone going through what may be the hardest thing they have gone through, life has not ended ; it has just begun.

IT Is (still) There. (Almost) A Year with HIV

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 12:42:00 +0000

Its been almost a year now since I found out about my sero status. Its also been almost a year now that I feel like I’ve got one foot in HIV and one foot out. Its like I’m doing the hokey pokey, and my body can’t decide which it wants to be.

I have been living in reality of being an HIV positive daily for almost a year now. I have gotten my random test result in November last year, and that has taken my life a 180 degree, not really a whole 360 turn. Not that I don’t go hours or days without HIV on my mind. That will be an exaggeration. But in most days I will have an HIV thought brush my reality, just a little nudge to remind me that IT is still there.

There were, and there still are times I am overcomed by 'habit' of the normal life. I mean, c'mon, afterall, I have lived a life free from HIV for 27 years and have gone accustomed to the 'normal' ways. Thats all I knew, until all of a sudden, 'normal' has to be redefined. For good measure, about every once in a while, I need a little shaking up just to remind myself I am never fully ever going to be free of HIV.

No, am not consumed. I am not consumed by the fact that I am HIV positive, and that I can only do either this-or-that now. There are times I just to surrender to what my body allows me to do, say stay all day (in bed) due to dizziness from the antibiotics I had take to fight a (minor) infection (from a wound) that my body is having a hard time to fight. I may have been limited by my pathological status, but that is all. Other than those instances, I go by as 'normal'. After all, everyone goes through some moments of 'having to be in bed', HIV positive or otherwise.

And things get better everyday. It is easier to live and I have slowly learned to go by the ropes. I have finally decided I'll start with my ARV in the next few weeks. With my CD4 at 260 (since June), and the countless justifications and the countless attempt to outsmart myself, I have finally came into terms with myself and resolve to start with the regimen. I just need to complete the baseline tests and I am set.

For sure, for the next few days or weeks upon taking the ARVs, will take another strong nudge to remind me ITS there. And as usual, I won't deny it. I take it with open arms. Its part of me.

One thing remains, though. Despite all these, Life goes on!

Revisiting the Ubermensch

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 06:19:00 +0000

Its been a while since I decided to put my writing at bay. Aside from having not much time to get my thoughts in coherence, I think I simply lack the interest. And so what other ways to go back in track? I decided to re-examine where I started, the Ubermensch.

I planned to blog about the films I watched, the weekend sessions with J, some random thoughts that pop out when am on my way to work, planned to post an entry about "a person without a backbone" or “lack of foresight” and many other random thoughts, but yeah, planned, and they remained that way. Well, just didn’t have any mood for blogging. Today I got a bit better organized, and cannot wait to tap my keyboard again!

Lets start with some 'catch-up' before we do some intellectual masturbation.

I finally (re)visited my doctor at PGH last week, and advised her that I have made up my mind and I will start with my ARV. Its been a while since I was diagnosed HIV positive (November 2010) and found out that my cd4 count is not very good. As of June 2010, I stand at 260. However, despite the recognition that it wasn't in a very good standing, I chose to outsmart, well more of justify not starting ARV. Afterall, I STILL feel 'normal'. Was I at the 'denial' stage? I know I am not. There is a recognition of the state of affair. I have long accepted that I am HIV positive, and that sooner or later, i would have to go through the 'usual' regimen an HIV. But at the same time, I didn't wan't to commit to something unless I am ready, in all aspect. I just believed that it is the more proper definition of acceptance-- that is accepting the state of affairs, but at the same time, accepting one's limitations. It is not simply embracing something because "you have to". Sometimes, doing things just because you 'have to' can be fucked up.

And so, I went to PGH last week with J to see my doctor and discuss to her how I would like to proceed. I will be completing the baseline test, and is looking at starting with the treatment by end of November, my first anniversary as an HIV positive. With that, I am settled.

Moving on, the past few weeks have been pretty stable. It has mostly been home-work for me on weekdays, and either a "Me-Time" or "We-Time" during weekends. I couldn't complain. Things are more or less in their proper places. Although I know things could be a lot better, and that I can be more than what I am now, I chose to embrace things, take them with open arms though at times I think they are pretty fucked up.

I think that is what happen when you keep pushing yourself. After a while, you just want to settle. Not that I've gone intellectually lazy, nor suddenly lost the rigor. Just that at this point in time, I felt like I've had my fair share of things, both success and failure, and I can afford to feel that things are fucked up at times. I think I have pushed myself VERY early on in my life. I have pushed myself to be an achiever, to be above most people my age and my generation, and have been successful in it. I have gotten most of what I wanted early in my life. But unlike what they say that there is no other way but to go up, I chose to be stationary this time, to take a moment and appreciate what I have, appreciate things though at times they may be fucked up.

I know I have always glorified the Ubermensch. I have always believed that the ubermensch would do what most people only dream of doing. He would test himself and his vision against the strength of the world. Ultimately, the Ubermensch would be a law unto himself. He would decree his morality and enforce it on himself.

But at the same time, I believe that the Ubermench himself takes some moments to be at peace with one's self. After reading Nietzsche for years, I've concluded the Ubermensch is that feeling you have when you turn on the television, turn on the radio, go in public and especially when you read youtube comments. You know that feeling of “What the fuck is this shit?”

The Ubermensch is that which also recognizes “What the fuck is this shit?” and would take some moment thinking what the fuck is this shit.

In a Vacationship

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Sun, 24 Oct 2010 10:21:00 +0000

I have never really given it a thought, but if I come to think of it, I have been in a lot of 'vacationships'.

I have been with someone I met on my way back to my hotel room in one visit to Boracay, with someone I met over the net in Baguio, with someone I lock over lox at the breakfast buffet in Singapore. These are just a few of the many vacationships I can remember. The dynamics is very simple-- I like you, you like me, lets give it a shot. The next thing you know is that you become a twosome, sharing the vacation experience without any history to cloud the clean slate of new romance.

I had nothing to do last night so I said yes to a friend's invitation to go to a bath house in Metro Manila. I used to be a regular in that bath house but I haven't been there for 6 months now. It felt good being back. I was greeted by the usual loud voice of 'the manager' and the warm welcome by the 'bar people' who I used to hang out with. I used to always stay at the bar area, and only at the bar area, of the bath house so I pretty know much of the bar regulars. I won't deny though that at times, I'd sneak out to the maze just to do the 'old-time' chasing game.

Anyway, soon as I finished the courtesy greeting to the bar fellow, I started observing, as if I am new to the place (again). Thats when I spotted a guy at the gym area pumping some iron. I can see that most eyes are into him, too. Boy, hes a hot one. I told my friend I like him. I tried not to be too obvious, though. I don't want to be in 'obvious' competition with the rest of the guys eyeing him.

Things were 'normal', I mean me talkin to people, having a good laugh at the bar area, and occasionally spotting at some guys. I was having fun, though, so I never really mind Mr. Hotguy-Pumping-Iron.

I decided to excuse myself from the bar and went to hit the jacuzzi. Mr. Hotguy-Pumping-Iron was there when I got there, and there were 2 guys with him in the jacuzzi. I decided to join them. He was just there, sitting quietly, while the 2 guys looked very anxious. I knew they were brewing something in their head. I can see one of them trying to get closer to Mr. Hotguy-Pumping-Iron, while the other was working his hands toward's the guy's 'precvious'. I remained oblivious, just drinkin my beer at the tub.

I can feel that Mr. Hotguy-Pumping-Iron is starting to get a bit uncomfortable with the two guys preying on him. He moved closer to me, then our knees touched. I then got finally tempted to extend my hand and gave him a squeeze at his shoulders. He never resisted. I took away the oblivious look in my face and gave him a smile, and he smiled back. I then excused myself and left the tub to go back to the bar and grab my next bottle.

After getting my bottle, I saw Mr. Hotguy-Pumping-Iron now sitting alone at a chair not too far from the bar area. I gathered my courage and finally approached him. I offered him a bottle of beer and he politely accepted the offer. Boy, I couldn't miss the chance. I got him engaged in a nice conversation to the point that we would laugh out loud, and the bar fellows noticed that I was with him.

Now the all the attention is on us. But he didn't mind. We would kiss and touch each other unmindful of the (many) eyes looking at us. He said he liked me, and that of all the guys he saw that night, he found me the most attractive but he just didn't know how to approach. He is a NOT Filipino and is only here for a (business) trip.

Mr. Hotguy-Pumping-Iron is Italian. I would have guessed that from the start, but had second thought as he looked like a Filipino-with-a-mix at the same time. He's Italian features are not very pronounced. He said it is because he is a mix of Italian and Colombian.

Moving on, I spent the rest of my time in the bar with him. We talked and drink and kissed and cuddled, until he popped the question--if I have a BF. I said none, which is true. I know where will the conversation go, so I told him my idea of 'vacationships', and he liked it. The next thing we know, we are in a 'vacationship'.

I understand this concept doesn't appeal to everyone. But I take it as a relationship for convenience, with no expectations that it will be sustained. I mean, you just happen to be two people who happen to like each other AT THAT MOMENT, and would want to share that moment together and as long as it last and as long as the chance permits, so why then not give yourself a chance?

Thats what exactly we are doing-- we enjoy the moment as much as we can, or until someone needs to board the next plane.

Its Just Coffee!

noreply@blogger.com (Ubermensch) — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 15:39:00 +0000

Nothing can be worst than a mediocre coffee early in the morning.

I was not able to prepare my own cup today as I was running late for the office. I decided to get a quick cup at the dispenser at the office pantry soon as I got to work to have my doze of caffeine only to be disappointed-- I got a cup filled with hot water, barely colored, and does not resemble coffee in any way imaginable. To my dismay, emptied the semi-colored hot water and took the cup, got a sachet and settled for instant coffee. I wasn't the happiest this morning.

This is one of the few times I miss my (ex)bf. He used to wake up early in the morning to prepare my hot cup while I take a bath and prepare myself to work. He knows exactly how I like my cup-- bitter sweet.

Sometimes, I am thinking, if only boyfriends are like instant coffee, then I would have gotten one from the corner store. But on a second thought, I realize I really do not like things instant. So I'd rather remain single.

Despite the convenience and availability, I purposely shy away from fast food, ready-to-eat, or simply things 'instant'. I am simply not fond of them. Although I get tempted to settle for them in times when choice is more of a luxury, I'd prefer to have things the hard way. I get more satisfaction brewing my coffee (or seeing someone brew it for me), cooking my own pasta from fresh ingredients, baking my own potato, or simply boiling my egg.

I remember a text message I got from B, the guy I am dating for a while now. He said "Do not just settle for the one who buys you coffee. Go with the one that will prepare it for you."

Efforts count. Thats what he wanted to tell me. And thats what make a perfect coffee.