RedNeck Me

Big Man DOWN!!!!

2014-11-11T08:00:00.000-06:00

I know I been missing catching up my blog lately, but I have a High School Senior, and that itself requires ALOT of time, money, work, money. Then he is going to be off to college to get a degree, but of course it will be a college close to home, all his hunting ground is around here, if I can get him to class during hunting season, then mission accomplished. I don't care if he's 40 years old living in the basement, yelling for me to stop talking so loud because he's playing his Play Station. Well, maybe I do a tad bit. But here is a breakdown of my summer, and a short piece of my life before.
In April 2000, I was involved in an auto accident. From this accident, I received a fractured L-5 vertebrae, torn left rotator cuff, whiplash, and ended up in pretty bad shape. I was told by 2 doctors I would never run or play golf again, which was cool, I hadn't ran since leaving the military and really didn't think much of out running the cops anymore. I got back on my feet, slowly, and about 2 years later had nerve damage causing me to have drop foot. I have a nice little brace that "pops" when I walk, my duties as a sneaky ninja had to be abandoned.
In October 2006, I was in a second accident, this one was lots more severe beings I already had major back issues. This time, same as the first, I broke 2 vertebrae in my back, T-8, and T-10, bruised my spleen, got some road rash on my buttocks, and received a turtle shell to be in for about 6 months. GREAT, my kids LOVED Christmas that year, Grandma got them suction cup dart guns and guess who got the target on his chest?? YEP!!! In September 2007 I ended up having to have my spleen removed. I gave birth, my spleen was 10 lbs and just over 9 inches long. I guess if I'm going to do something, then make a name for myself, I had the largest spleen on record thru the VA Health System. Still to this day, we have no idea how it didn't rupture, causing immediate death. Guess God had a plan.
On June 8 of this year, my son, the Senior, said he was in better shape than me. That pissed me off, so June 9 I trashed the Docs and started running. Having major back problems, this probably wasn't the best idea I could have done, but at 227 lbs with 3 chins, I had something to prove. I signed up for a Half Marathon to make it my 90 day goal, because I'm crazy I guess. I ran my butt off, I knew I was going to get that Half in just to quiet the kid. 2 weeks before my Half, I ended up getting plantar fasciitis, which is horrible, I could hardly walk. I went limping into my buddy Eric's work, and he said, I have got just the thing for you. YA RIGHT, we've all heard that before. He sat me down, thank God, standing up was a chore. Then he introduced me to AdvoCare Joint Promotion, I said, "dude I have 3 days, I have done everything possible except a shot to get my foot going, I don't care how bad it hurts, I am going to finish my Half Marathon even if I have to crawl." So, I gave in, tried in twice a day for 3 days, ran my half with no problem, I RAN MY HALF, yep. The 2 weeks before I had only got 5 miles total in for running because of my stupid foot. I came back, said I'm ALL IN.
I signed up to help others, to get them to my level of satisfaction in working out and running. Now, I have not taken any of my 6 prescriptions in 8 weeks, which was odd, I've been taking them for YEARS to get by each day.
In total I have lost 67 lbs as of today. I hit 190 and had a difficult time for 2 weeks breaking that bar, so I did the 24 day challenge, today is day 23, and I lost 30 lbs from it. Super easy, I have friends that have lost from 11- 25 lbs. Some workout, some don't. With products so safe, my kids use them, I got my kids started up in the Performance Elite with Muscle Fuel, pre-workout, in 1 week they have already told me how great it's going. Wrestlers, Catalyst is amazing, it was designed to protect the muscle, and help break down the stubborn fat so you can chisel up, and not loose muscle or strength.
The greatest thing about AdvoCare, is the business side. We all get those Spam emails of get rich quick, do this do that. Well, in 7 weeks, I have made better money than any of those spam emails, I feel great, I have energy, and kids love it also.
It's the American way to sit around and take handouts, not to many people want to challenge themselves to loose weight, workout, or anything that is going to cause good in their life. If you don't want to work it as a business with very limited time, then that's your choice, if you want to just buy retail, that's up to you, if you want to save some money and get a discount, then that is all up to you also. I know how much AdvoCare has changed my life, and knowing it's so safe that the Olympics endorse it for their athletes, that says a lot. The really cool thing, it's just now going to blow up across the U.S., so if you want people to know your the AdvoCare go-to person, now is the time. If you want to sit back and see if it's right for you, then more power to you. When there is no minimum orders, no have to orders, no lock in time, what is there to loose? All your doing is hurting yourself, take the leap, I challenge you to try Spark and tell me you don't have energy, and needed a nap. It's an all natural energy drink that taste like Kool Aid and make you happy, everyone deserves to be happy.
Don't be that person that sits around and complains to others about not being happy and having extra pounds. If I dropped 67 lbs with 3 fractured vertebrae, no spleen, drop foot, and other medical issues and am the way I am now, there is no excuse. I have overcome the Medical Odds, and I owe it to AdvoCare for getting me there. If you want to check it out, go right ahead, if you have questions, let me know, there is always something that works, and to have it help you physically and help you add some additional income for Christmas time, why wait??

https://www.advocare.com/140934681/

glmilhon@gmail.com

Facebook

2014-04-02T21:23:00.000-05:00

When we can share the things that happen in our lives with the whole world at a press of a button, from a phone, from a computer, from a tablet. Heck, some are even doing it at work. Changing the way people view people all in a simple blue button that says, "SHARE". Some of the smallest things in the world just amuse me, take spiders for example, I'm a 5'9" balding dude that couldn't scare anything more than a baby, but a spider, that little creature can make a 6'4" dude cry like a baby who just got it pacifier stolen by dog. That's power.
The power to change is to really just an object in the mirror, when your standing in front of it. Everyone has it, some just don't want to know, and others, really don't give 2 dog turds wrapped in tootsie roll papers. But, hey, who's counting? The things people post, share, take pictures of just amazes me. I find myself not even watching the news anymore, heck, why spend 30 minutes watching some dude gab over something when I can just zip onto Facebook and find out everything we need, from weather, to kids sports, who's winning the game, who had what for lunch, who took the biggest crap, what the weather is doing, and best of all, who is going to get the "Facebook Academy Award of the Day". Just admit it, we read others posts, often time asking, WTF?? Especially when they read mine, it takes all kinds of wild minds to make a News Feed interesting enough to keep people wanting more, it's like a porn addiction to porn addicted person. That made no sense, but anywho, crap, we are so socially networked inside this creature called Internet, that we don't even go to a movie unless half of our friends say it's a must see. Good thing ole Egbert or whoever that movie critic was has passed away, he'd would have fallen off the job market now.
I understand that your son won his first soccer game, congrats, but I don't understand why you would want to share all of your business and drama inside your personal life with the world? Does Facebook send you a Sympathy card for making crazy decisions? If so, maybe I should retake this offer. I love mail, especially junk mail. That's awesome you want to eat sushi, the raw fish with some rice in it, please don't post a picture, if I wanted to see a picture of sushi I'd Google Image it. But one thing is for sure, in today's world, when you can take a picture, and have it automatically sync with your Facebook account has become ever so entertaining. Nothing is better than that naked selfie you took to send off to someone, and BOOM, all of a sudden it is on your Facebook, now that's classy. Talk about Facebook making some extra cash, why don't they open up a site just for that, Facebook Honey's, just like the ole Hustler Honey's?? BAM, million dollar industry there Zuckerman. Although this has happen a couple times, I must add not to me, but friends, or what were friends of mine until they figured it out and deleted their pages, I find this funnier than a 3 legged dog trying to catch it's tail.
But, on the other side of the plate, lets talk about how Facebook is always making recommendation's for us. Like we have ever sat down and got to actually meet each other, you have no idea what rolls thru my head, nor do you want to. And if you did, you'd be so damn scared how fast my mind travels you'd be trying to can it and use it for rocket fuel to power the next spaceship. Facebook, you know nothing about me, why in the heck would you recommend a friend to me that I have no pleasure of knowing, and really honestly may dislike their point of view on things. For example, why would you recommend Michelle Obama as a friend? So I can read all her post about how kids are fat and eating turkey bacon for over-priced school lunches is going to make my kid skinny up? Obviously NOT. First off, you know nothing about school lunches, and what you do know is they were free to you when you were growing up, they use to be good, a good way for kids to eat and get energy. You couldn't pay me to eat this crap on paper trays you have them eating, make your kids eat it if it's so damn good, or don't they allow they fake meat in private schools? Obviously not, as you sit back and sip on your Diet Coke and giggle at turkey bacon.
We have all came to know a part of our social media, connected with people we lost touch of, got to check out people we had no idea who they were, and really we have damn good nominations for Facebook Academy Awards. So, as I sit here and giggle how I know you all have Facebook, and that's how you got caught reading this blog, because it was the only social media site I shared it with, just remember, you too my friend, got caught catching up on drama, getting a giggle and asking yourself WTF is Gabe thinking!!! May the night be long, the sleep be good, but if ya don't sleep right away, don't be silly and wrap ole willy.

WHEW

2014-04-02T20:25:00.000-05:00

Man, I tell ya, I've been busier than a dollar hooker working the Vegas Strip. From getting custody of my son, WHOOP WHOOP, to trying to figure out what this itch is in my new underwear. Some of the craziest things have been going in this world, and ya, I can spit out a fast facebook status about it, but obviously I have not had time to attend to my blog. Which I appoligize. Going from a every other weekend dad to a 24/7 dad of a kid playing 4 sports has gotten the better of my time, ya ya ya, excuses are like assholes, everyone has one and they stink. In great days, ways, shapes, and forms, I have noticed Victoria has a Secret,,,still, and I have a secret for them. My name is Gabe and I am not a girl, when you send me a little mail for a free panty let me tell ya, those things make for the image of the balls hanging on the yard game "Ladder Game". There just ain't that much room in the front of those free panties. Spliting the boys like a cedar tree on a log splitter. But, in latter news, I have decided I am NOT going to step on a scale, not until scales can measure SEXY and deduct that off my spare tire gut and make me feel better about myself. I have noticed that I am getting pretty thin on the top of my head, the head on my shoulders. I called Bosley, asked for a sample or brochure on their treatment. Oddly enough what I found out is that they take hair from other places and plant it back into the thinning area. When I told the chick I didn't want to become an actual Butthead or Dickhead, she didn't even giggle. Obviously she didn't understand, or it took off over her head like a High School Prom Dress, either way, I thought that was some funny crap. I was proud. I've noticed that when you kid is 6'1" and I'm 5'9" and his mother is 5'2", there seems to be maybe some DNA matching that needs to be done, especially when the UPS man is 6'3". Hey, I know he's mine, I remember the night of duct tape and handcuffs. You talk about being a comedian and having a kid that is all book smart and ding ding dingy on common sense, have I got more material off this kid the last few months then the public health clinic has had crab cases. From him telling my all mice are blind because haven't I ever heard the song "3 blind mice". So I told him there were 3 doors to hell, hasn't he heard of the group 3 Doors Down? He didn't get it. I have what they call a work in progress, I have got to get this kid to come around in 1 year before he is on his own and makes me look like I have kept him in a shell his whole life. On a lighter side of the world and it's issues, time is what you make of it. Posting about your husband being deployed for 12 months, and then posting he is finally home is great news. Then posting within the first 24 hours of him actually being home in your bed, I see there maybe an issue. I know if I was gone for 12 months deployed in the military and came home, the last thing my wife would be able to do is make a Facebook post, I'd have her so worn out she would try to sleep but I'd be like that crazy dog riding her leg. A mans a man, if ya ain't naked, atleast be making us a sandwich, and hey, while your making it, just do it naked, no sandwich is a sandwich without Miracle Whip. Just when your doing it, don't be silly and wrap ole willy.

The World Today

2014-04-02T20:01:00.001-05:00

The world we live in today is about as messed up as a 3 legged chicken trying to run from a coyote. The things that are going on, the happenings of the world and what we are creating would even have aliens wondering what the heck are those earthlings doing. The problem all starts from us, as individuals, people who elect people to a higher power to distroy our nation and blow smoke up our ass while they are doing so. Back when I went to school, we got in trouble for gum, candy, lifting up a cheerleaders skirt walking down a hallway, honking a teachers nose, we didn't have drugs and guns in school, we were sent to the pricipals office only to have them threaten to call our parents, one who was usually home beings it didn't take 2 parents with 3 full time jobs to make it in this world. Our parents would spank our butts, talk some sense into us, and spank us more. It didn't kill me, it made me a better person, and therefore, I'm no scared to spank my kids. Now spanking and beating are 2 different things in the world now, we didn't have people kill their own kids from beating them, going off on the deep end. That's a total different topic of all its own. We lived in a world where we never heard that kids are obese, we were kids, some of the few had Atari games, but big deal, you can only jump on an alligator head and swing on a rope for so long. We went outside, called some neighbor kids over, played sandlot baseball, football, soccer, or stole the neighbors dads Playboy magazine and hid in the bushes dreaming of our future wife. We lived in a world where we weren't told we couldn't pray in school, when our teacher was sick and we had a sub for the day, when we got home we called the teacher saying we missed her/him, and told them to get well so we could get rid of this crazy old sub. We worked toward goals, achievements, we may have teased someone, but we our kitchen table always had a plate for them to come eat with us, because we knew how to forgive, express our feelings, not be angry or bitter. In todays world, we have problems with guns and drugs taking over schools, and public places. The guns don't just reproduce there, and drugs don't just grow in malls and schools. It takes someone to carry these things in, but in most of the cases, actually almost ALL CASES of public shootings, or school shootings, it was someone who was mentally unstable that caused the mess. But why is this? We had mentally unstable people in our world as kids, we had guns, and heck, I know there was drugs, I heard all about the 70s times. Heck, why would it have skipped the 80's and 90's? That's odd. Well, I'm sure it didn't, it's because our political leaders have taken it upon themselves to try to make the world better, to give everyone a fighting chance, to ignore the real issues we have in Society as a whole. These leaders have shut down Mental Health Hospitals, made cut-backs to mental health, all in a fear that someone wouldn't be treated equally. They have even went as far as sending our troops to war, to have them come home, fighting with demons in their heads from PTSD, and never blinked an eye to help them more than they could because of the dollar. But we are going to try and take guns from everyone, even those who can have guns, because rather than fess up and say what has really happen, we are going to give excuses, make it seem like guns pull their own triggers, they load themselves, they are killers. It's not really the hand on the gun, no not really, it don't make sense some mentally unstable person would kill people, and harm many others, it has to be the guns themselves. Well Washington D.C., guess what, excuses are like assholes, everyone has one and they stink. You have created this mess we are in, now it's time to fess up and understand the decisions you are making, the changes for the better are actually worse, and I'm NOT GONNA GET OBAMA CARE because it sucks too. Every single one of you have no idea what drastic influences you have done to make this world a messed up place. We sure didn't hear of shootings in schools when Bibles were in, we didn't have kids at home raising themselves when the economy was good. What can be done? Let's stop and take a real approach. Oh, while your at it, why haven't you taken the book Webster wrote out of schools too? Probably because you didn't know that before he wrote the first dictionary he could resite the Bible word for word. Well isn't that a shocker? The problems we have in this world all stem from changes for the better that have came down from Federal and State Leaders. Obviously nobody understands, we are all just wanting everything and everyone to be equal, we don't want to hurt someone's feeling by telling them they need mental help, we don't want to be the one that will step up and make a change because then we are going to have bad ratings. If we as the people of this country don't come together, help support each other, then we wouldn't have half the problems we have. If jobs would pay the same as they did when I was a kid to have a parent home, to help take care of the needs of children, we would have less failures in the world. If you can't take on the world head first and put yourself in our shoes rather then worry about which rich idiot isn't going to give you a million dollars for your next campaign, then do us all a favor and don't even run. And parents, the way you let your kids act while living at home, letting them do the things they do, is directly proportionate to the way they will become. We all need to step up as parents, don't allow back talk, don't allow kids to not have respect for others, and if you don't take your kids to a church on Sunday, that is also your failure. Buying your kids what they want, never letting them go without, never letting them have to buy things is just leading up to economic failure when they leave the house. Kids need to experience work, not just show up and wait for a check, how to perform the work without thinking the world owes them anything. Teach you kid how to respect teachers, teachers spend more time with your child than we do as parents, if your kid don't like a teacher, or a teacher doesn't like your kid, maybe there is an issue that is reflected on how the parenting skills are being used. Nobody can change the world by themselves, someone with a bad idea can cause havoc in the world with ONE changed thing, and we as Americans need to work together to help this place out.

Henry Doorly Zoo

2013-07-11T17:20:00.000-05:00

In knowing exactly what I had time for, I elected to take my little one to the zoo in Omaha for a day. It all started off by some college chick ripping me off for $84 to get in and have fun. So, off we went skipping all the way down to the kiddie section. Down the hill, just a rock toss away from the gate of madness of the release of the trailer park yuppies on the other side waiting to get in. We decided to go into the Avery which had some small house birds in it, and paid a dollar for two cents of food stuck on a Popsicle stick like the end of a q-tip when ya pull it out your ear.
In the Avery, I was looking around and noticed a nicely dressed fellow with a streak of white and black in his hair. That to me was NOT paid to be there by a hair stylist. What that was the the remnants of the rip off bird food on a stick from the lower end of the feather creature. At this point, I advised my kid and girlfriend we need some teamwork going on, you shit drop watch me, and I will shit drop watch you. We had each others backs, I thought. We finished up there and strolled over to the river otter, a couple owls in a cage, and then the quest for the carousel ride.
We walked around to the entrance, beat off all the parents that couldn't read, or aka Indians with dots, and then loaded up. Of course my kid would want to ride the jack rabbit, and he wanted me on the tiger next to him. That was not going to happen, the tiger stopped in the upward location, and that was like 4 feet high and I ain't no gymnast, so I stood there. Then my awesome girlfriend advised me I have a glob of white stuff on the fly of my shorts. Now, mind ya, I just got out of kiddie land, and she let me walk around with this there because she failed RULE #1, WATCH MY BACK in the Avery, like 20 minutes earlier. I personally, was just thinking maybe some of them knew me, heck I don't remember everyone, but they always remember me, but NOPE, they were wondering who the dickhead in the kiddie area was that had a glob of white stuff on his dick. Now comes the part where I'm freaking out to hide this, because it is kind of embarrassing to me, and she gives me a squirt of hand sanitizer. I rub it on my shorts like I had 2 sticks trying to start a fire. RUB RUB RUB, it was kind of exciting until I look up and all these ghetto mom's are holding their kids back from gettin on the carousel with the pot bellied pervert that's giving himself a wax job next to his kid and a damn tiger. Red was a total different color that day on my face. But I got the job done.
We beat feet up to the bears, tigers, sky tram, and all that jazz. Hopped on the train and ran around the zoo, waved at the crazy crowd and wild animals. Jumped off the train to enjoy the rest of the zoo.
One thing I noticed is that the people at the zoo are NOT the same class of people at Worlds of Fun. These people are the book worm, non adventurous, scientific people you would find at a library. But the scenery was great, I got too see a black mamba with some design print pantyhose, crazy looking shirt, goofy hat, and thought she was a bowl of chili on a cold ass night. The zoo don't sell Billy Bob teeth because 3/4 of the patrons already have a real set, but there were a couple of families that looked like they accidentally got caught up in the zoo also. But heck all in all, it was a great day. Of all the things to do, all the things to see, all the people to watch, the only thing a 4 year old talks about is riding the train, so save the money and just ride a damn train all day, or don't be silly wrap ole willy.

Get ya some.....FISHIN

2013-05-19T20:22:00.000-05:00

As the time draws near, storms in the air, the smell of rain, and roadkill getting raunchy, we all know the favorite pastime is doing some fishin. Which, really makes the think, either you fish, or you don't know Jack. No better way to put it, can you bait a hook without making the worm look like it has been beaten by a machete? Alot of other things in life can be related to fishin, if you don't think so, then grab your pole and read on.
First off, relationships. They are alot like fishin, you try to bait them in, get them to bite, reel em in, and then you have to make the determination of, is she a keeper or do I toss her back for some other jerk to wait for and try keeping? That folks, is the hardest determination to make as a redneck eHarmony member. You know, I like long walks on the beach, a good magazine, as long as they are on the naked beach and porn magazine. Why? Cause I'm a guy and that's how I roll.
Kids, you know, curtain climbers, diaper shitters. They are alot like fishing too. Or some parents make them be to me in my world. Sometimes I just want to look the proud mom in the face and say, "keep telling me about your awesome kid, I love a good fishin story." But for some reason, most would not get it. My grandma always had a point, she loved everyone, and nobody was really a "bad" kid, she use to say, "Oh Johnny, I don't know why he has community service, he is such a good kid, bless his heart." But, obviously, I have been a part of a relationship, the tosser back chick, who's parents just thought she was so awesome she had chipped glass slippers she wore out when she was working her corner. Oh, she is so blah blah blah, and if you ever need anything she will be right there. Ya, exactly, an awesome fishing story, cause the bitch was a liar, story teller, and couldn't be trusted any further than you could toss dog puke out the front door. So, as you are going on and on about your perfect kids, remember, everyone LOVES a fishin story, but only when told by a grandpa.
We all sit around in life, usually on our butts and wait for things to happen. Such as a catfish angler, you toss it out and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait some more. By the time we let our guard down, the big one bites and we grab the pole, reel like hell, fight, and work it to get it to shore. But what are we stuck with? A great big smelly piece of meat that will grunt with whiskers, such as the drunk guy at the bar. So, no matter what you do in life, always expect to be the best angler you can, toss when you have the bait fully on the hook, and never leave your guard down, because chances are, there is something bigger and badder than what you think you can handle will yank that sucker out and it will be gone. Gone like an ex wife. On the other hand, if you happen to get a bite, and set the hook and reel it in, don't be silly wrap ole willy or you will be just another parent sitting around telling your own little fishin story.

Redneck Pickup Lines

2013-05-02T13:58:00.001-05:00

My top 10 pick up lines for my redneck ways are about as follows.

#10. Can you lick your butt like my dog? Cause I love flexability.

#9. Hey baby, you remind me of my cousin, can I take you home and bang your head on my headboard?

#8. Something as hot as you must have one really hot mom, can we go back to your place?

#7. I wanna take you out to my pick-up, just to count your teeth.

#6. Gosh baby, you have an awesome grill, can I soak my teeth with yours tonight?

#5. You remind me of my cousin, wanna go out?

#4. I wanna take you out co-ed naked coon hunting.

#3. I have some sex toys in the shape of pick-ups, animals, and guns.

#2b. Whats the chances you and I can go get my truck stuck?

#2a. Mind if I borrow your teeth while I hit on your sister?

#1. If your cousin ain't got ya yet, come out side and I'll take your virginity in the back of my truck.

Good ole Walmart

2013-05-02T13:53:00.000-05:00

As I’m walking into the ever dreaded place on Earth, aka Walmart, I have come to the conclusion that there are limitations when a person is fixin to buy some flip-flops. Not all easy toe riders can pull off such a drastic shoe. You know, they are the thong for the feet.

If you have a toe that looks like a broken branch hanging from a tree, please don’t think about buying them. I’m talkin, the little toe band to try to make your gnarly feet look sexy, and on the same toe that overhangs off the damn flip flop causing sparks when your walking down the parking lot. You have to understand, we have Hispanics around here that don’t fix their gas leaking cars much, not to even add we have a Polish presents in the area also, and it would take them three times more time to understand there is fixin to be an explosion in the parking lot when they are going inside to buy their beans and shit. You could spark some gas and blow that flip flop and gnarly toe off faster than you could put away a Twinkie.

So, please if your feet look like they got caught in a disposal and you’re wearing flip flops, please reconsider.

And Walmart, WTF is up with this self checkout crap? You have 17 lanes with running electricity, and only 2 are open and then 4 self checkouts are working of the 8 because nobody is smart enough to reset the computer. When ya roll up to one of these pieces of work, just stop and look around and see if you can get into a real talking cashier, not the lady in the elevator whose voice has been put into checkouts. That’s a crock of crap, what’s a guy got to do to do voiceovers?

So, I scroll on to the self checkout, and lone and behold I can switch from 2 languages, well all be damn I say, I’m in the U.S. so my language is ENGLISH and should NOT be a choice. Beings in 13 different countries in my time, and having to know their language first, Spanish can kiss my redneck ass. So, I decide that I am gonna toss my pizza over this radar and pay for my shit and get out. But, that dumb elevator chick said I need to bag my crap. Well, guess what bitch, it is and for some reason you can’t see it. So I hit the button a few times and then all hell breaks loose and the light on the stand flashes, the screen is flipping around like a horror movie, and I’m standing there with the lady wearing a toe ring and flip flops asking me what happen and she’s going to have to swipe her card. This pisses me off, I throw my pizza across the isle, with people ducking like The Rock is swinging a machete, and it lands in a crushed up, wrinkled half broken box. I got so mad I tested my temper, and yep, it still works.

I guess the point to be made is Walmart sucks, and if you do go there and buy some pre-sliced, dented box pizza, I’m the guy to thank. But if you didn’t, don’t be silly wrap ole willy.

Springinter

2013-03-26T16:08:00.000-05:00

This crap of for one second bein’ about 80 degrees out where I can wear my
speedo while sitting out on the porch sippin sweet tea and the next morning
waking up with 30 degree temps is for the skunks. Is it to much to ask that we
don’t believe a stupid rodent named Phil from Philadelphia? The last guy I knew
from Philly didn’t know his asshole from a hole in the ground and we run our
lives off of something that is uglier than my ex wife’s sister in a bikini with a thong
up her crack. … Now that right there is an image for ya! All 250 lbs of golf ball
dimpled as. When that lady (loosely termed – Pun intended) walks, it makes Bill
Cosby jealous of Jello. She has more wiggle than an earthworm on a fishing
hook that’s danglin’ in front of a large mouth bass. And that mouth of her’s could
swallow grass carp whole. But enough about the beauty queen for this Blog…
So why this weather then? That ole Assistant President Gore the whore always
said it was global warming. Well, that sure ain’t a sign, I been using stick
deodorant for years, and nothing has changed in my world that’s for sure. Hot
summers, cold winters. I say it’s just a part of a little thing we call seasons, I
know, give me my Piece Prize now, for doing absolutely nothing like the rest
of the banjo pickers for the Mormon Tallywacker Choir getting theirs, by doing
NOTHING. I have scooped 5 inches of partly cloudy white stuff, and then been
rained on with no chance of rain, All in he same week!!. Someone somewhere
is gonna get a talking to by yours truly. I wonder what all is going on upstairs
to make thim think, Ha! watch this trick. I tell ya what, when, and if, I get up
there, I need to have me some questions answered. Then I can just say well,
in Nebraska, this is how it is suppose to go… Then I’ll set that dial on the
thermometer and gradually move it up and down, They’ll be none of this bumping
the temp like a 5 year old playing football in the hallway, and then hip checkin’
the dial. Just nice and easy all done by yours truly… , oh, speaking of nice and
easy, don’t be silly wrap ole willy.

Facebook FOOD

2013-03-26T16:02:00.002-05:00

You know to think about it, the Arch Dictator in the White House has brought
about change in this fine world of ours according to exercise. I am totally shocked
the knothead don’t have Facebook, and if he does, then I say tag that man in a
bunch of pork recipes on Facebook! It sure seems like change is coming, I didn’t
mind the pictures, the funny e-cards, and now, really?!? I have to sit there and
look at some concoction of an eagle headed warrior instead of drooling over
duck lips on some half naked chick like I normally do? We might as well just
do a YouTube push and get it all out in the damn open there Zuckerman,. Why
don’t we just play the same ad’s like they have on TV? I was thinkin’ we had
Facebook sos’ we could talk, meet up, hang out, and enjoy some laughs, but
now all of a sudden some escaped hen from the Pintrest party has moved her
pin me junk over to good old Facebook… it’s like the old game of Pin the tail on
a damn donkey and now I got me food recipe’s posted all over and instead of
my Duck faces on Facebook! If this wasn’t a crime yet I’m a gonna recommend
to my congressman that it should be! After all, It’s about time he did something
constructive anyways right?!?
Now as you may or may not know, I’m currently and plan to be a bachelor.
Like most of us, the only oven we know how to operate is of the MICROWAVE
variety… matter fact, seems to me that’s the ONLY oven one even needs, that
I can recon anyways… Now on the other hand, If I wanted one of those nice
looking gourmet meals, I would go out to eat at the Sam’s Club deli like everyone
else! But when I’m sittin’ on my fat ass here in my Laz-z Boy simply cause I’m
not going to let our fine government tell me what I have to do for exercise, the
last thing I want to see is some Pampered Chef whipped up dinner in a crock-pot
bubbling over like a drunk guy that missed his spittoon.
Now to be sure there are a few things that crack me up, but there’s also some
things that get me more riled up than a car thief who forgot his cell phone in the
stolen car, and perhaps (for me at least) this must be one of them. It’s got me so
riled up my hair has even turned red from my face getting so flushed up! So off I
go to suck the soul from whoever I can find that posts that crap on my Facebook
page. Jus you wait till I find em’!
You know, Oddly enough, the more I think about it, maybe I should start a
movement, matter o fact, it probably took me more calories to hit the delete
button than it did to read your dang recipe you slapped on my screen, I really
may be onto something here... Well, screw it, I guess I’ll just go back to find the
duck lipped half naked chick that thinks she’s all that and a bucket of chicken,
(when actually , it takes more than 8 beers to even have her resemble her
profile pic). So, if you want to jump on the bandwagon and join me in this little
campaign, let’s get to it!, But just in case you’re not, don’t be silly n’ wrap ole
willy! (and by the way, good luck with findin’ that perfect chick that matches her
profile pic.

March Madness

2013-03-21T11:04:00.001-05:00

Well it’s that time of year again when you have all these wannabe basketball fans & followers putting money on a table making bets their asses can’t cash. One thing’s for sure though, the winner is going to be the winner and second place will just be the first loser same as it's always been! We as Americans just don’t seem to understand the fact that making bets and getting all emotionally wrapped up in some wide eyed college kids who are most likely more excited about finding a few beers and a date on Saturday night just don’t make sense.

We have come down a long dirt road though I suppose, from the coach tossing chairs at the refs and players, to him then getting a promotion working at a major network and making him out to be much bigger than he really is. Oh Yeah Baby that makes a lot of sense huh?!?! I sit here and wonder as a “normal guy” college football fan & watcher, when is Sandusky going to have a new show titled “Behind the Bars - An Outlook on Sports”? By the way in case you were wondering, none of us are ever gonna know what, where, and most importantly how that whole mess at Penn St. happened!

Anywho, one thing will remain true though… we’re gonna place our trust in five kids on a court trying to toss a round ball into an apple basket and score some points so WE can try and make some money off of it! Now really, does that make any sense? If that’s our guide, what IS this world coming to anyway? Take for instance most kids these days, they don’t work, mommy and daddy pay for everything, and on top of that they expect everything given to them on a silver platter… Then we as adult’s are gonna let something they actually DO have to work for, oddly enough, and we try to make us a couple hundred bucks off a lucky wager from their hard work! Now those are some Messed up odds don’t ya think?.

So as your sitting your fat butt in your lazy-boy watching March Madness on television, and I’m sitting here on mine watching some good ole hockey, wondering who’s going to get suspended for a game by hitting who, (cause I love me some contact sports), sit back n relax, and remember, white men can’t jump!... Or is that just another messed up belief we have been taught from our upbringing? Well, while that movie attempted educate us and make millions in the theater at the same time, it obviously didn’t do enough, cause in the case of college basketball, there are white people that can jump! So take your bets, slap some money on the table, but just remember when you lose, just don’t be surprised if the wife is pissy, and if you happen to win some cashola off the hard work of those kids, just remember one thing…. Don’t be silly, wrap ole willy. ROCK CHALK!!

Small Town USA

2013-03-20T11:47:00.000-05:00

Nobody knows what it is like to leave your house unlocked, not have your guns loaded incase of emergency, how a neighbor calls to tell you someone is being crazy down at your business and went and checked it out for you. People have set their ways, thanks to our government, of loading guns, locking doors, and turning this world into survival of the fittest. It's small town Nebraska where this image was all erased this past weekend.
There ain't nothing like gonna do a comedy show, having to throw out some motivational speaking, and then back to the comedy show. One thing came to my mind, they have enough fun in this town without a comic, and somewhere else they need a boost. Well, I came and delivered. I'm not saying they were the hardest crowd, they were all out of high school, but they were "good ole boy" small town USA. A place we have all forgotten about, and let corruption take over and change the way we live.
This is a town where mama can still stay home, and dad bust his ass to make ends meet. If they fall behind some, a neighbor or friend come in and help there. A place where the door locks only meet the jam once a year during the BIG Rodeo. And the only place in America where there is a bar in with the rodeo museum, and the keeper of the museum greets you with a handshake and a beer. A small town that if the weather changes, the mayor speaks up and gives you a place to stay at his house.
We as Americans have totally forgot about this, nor do we read it in books any longer because we want both parents working and make ends hard to meet so we can make it easier for the people that give up in life to find more houses to rob from. This is the small town if they had such a problem, they would shoot, and drag the body inside, and then call for help.
So I challenge you get out, learn about rural America and see how one can put the heart back into yourself to trust others, have others help believe in you, and move on in this world, not really caring about anything other than when the next BIG Rodeo is and what is going to be the entertainment. A great place to visit, but a damn good place to live. Go hit up Burwell Nebraska on your thru and come the last week of July and see the rodeo, I know you will walk out of that town with a new friend, and watch out for the ranch girls, theres only 2 things to do, and if they run out of beer, don't be silly wrap ole willy.

Gun Rights, my feelings, and mine alone

2013-03-15T11:07:00.000-05:00

As I sit here, eating a bag of chips, sippin on sweet tea, and typing up this blog. I am watching my stats on here, and OBVIOUSLY Obama"don't"care has taken effect. I am shocked to see that 23 people right now, are either laid off, or maybe, just maybe are reading my blog and watching for their boss over their should. Chances are, laid off.
Some people in this world can think of the most off the wall ideas, and thus be one to me. I have spent 4 years in the U.S. Army, got to shoot all kinds of neat shit, blow stuff up, went to different countries, and have tried many a beers. One thing that really gets to me though, is these assault weapons. Now first off, you cannot hunt with them so don't even try to say we are taking your rights away. If you tried to take my gun rights away, or hunting, we would have a major problem. So what is the point in owning such a rifle? Well, in my world it's just like owning a pitbull. Nothing but a chest badge, making you feel more dominate.
On the other hand, if you really think a robber is going to be scare of an assault gun, you have another thing coming, your chances of knocking them down with a single little 1/4 inch piece of lead has nothing on my 12 gauge shotgun with a spread of a cheap hooker working the Vegas strip. Not only is my shotgun able to be go out and hunt with, but it's gonna rip the drywall down both sides of the hallway down to the studs and knock a robber right in their tracks. The simple sound of metal clunk loading a shotgun is more scary than some scared dude with an assault rifle trying to hit something.
So, beings we live in a nation that has gun rights, pistol rights, and hunting. Why would you buy a gun that only looks good and can't be used for anything else? For the same reason us dudes always look for the trophy wife. She sure is nice to parade around, make your friends drool, but really, who wants all that baggage too? Its not really guns that kill people, it's people that kill people, but if we as American's don't stop and smell the roses, what is the point of even walking in the rose gardens?
I am a firm believer of background checks, mental evals, and dealer determinations. We all know people can say whatever they want on paper, but to have someone actually eye to eye before a weapon sale, would greatly reduce this struggle of owning weapons for us NORMAL people. I know I may offend some, but until those lazy people who just think about themselves up in the Political World stop and figure out every people stems from a cause, they just ain't gonna get it. The blind squirrel finds a nut every once in awhile, but he finds it alot faster with help. Maybe we should all stand up, and stop and think about banning the rights to purchase guns when you are a politician, or postal worker. If we take away their rights, then we can sit around hear them cry whine and carry on. Heck, wanna own a gun, don't run for office, don't make us out to be people that we really aren't.
In the mean time, don't be silly, wrap ole willy, buy shotguns for home defense and raise cane for what you believe in. Someone somewhere will hear you eventually.

Me

2013-03-15T10:35:00.000-05:00

It all started in April back in 1972, when I went to the party with my dad and left with my mom. I never really had a chance to ask questions, but it really got to bothering me and one day I asked my mom what happen, she said, "we ran out of beer at the party, so we had to find other entertainment." Now damn, only if I would have thought about that earlier in life.
I grew up in a small town in Kansas until my dad figured it was time to learn a second language and moved us up to Nebraska, and then we were in a packing plant town. Totally amazing, I can still remember to this day when I was about 8 years old and seen my first colored person, and asked my mom how they stay so tan. Yep, that was me. Never afraid.
The only reason I graduated from High School was because I threatened the Principle and told him he thought I was ornery the last 3 years, wait until he gives me one more. Plus I already had signed up in the Army and he figured get this little bastard out of country. And I did, graduated with about 300 people, on which all knew me, and I knew few. Still to this day I have that problem. I always wanted to make a name for myself. I knew I could move up in the world, especially after being stupid and getting married twice, the second time was my brothers fault, he came and stuck a stick up my ass and called me a sucker. Ya, that was an experience all of it's own. I went from Mr. Right to Mr. Fukinwrong in 24 hours. Didn't know they made a pill for that.
Heck I was a great husband, I worked my ass off so they could stay as materialistic as they wanted, and little did I know, they were sharing the bed with strangers. Always wondered why my pillow smelled like Old Spice and Polo. But, every husband knows, don't ask questions, just shut up and keep on keeping on.
I got me 4 kids and a vasectomy, in which I ain't gonna tell ya which one is my favorite, but, I'm sure you can figure that one out. Speaking of turning bulls into steers, some clown ask me if it changes anything, at first I thought,, then thought again. I said ya, it sure does, have ya ever taken a baby powder container and squeezed it and poof that cloud of powder gets shot in the air like the pictures of an atom bomb going off? It's just like that, poof, it's all over.
One day, I knew if I kept my hopes, pushed, believed in myself, I could one day, move on. Move onto something I always wanted to do, entertain the world with a sense of humor, and have fun doing it. I know deep inside I could rock television, but the way that our kids are going, and us parents buying them video games to preserve their virginity, I also need to become a good voice over for some PS3 games. So, heck, why not, the moral of the story is, you never get younger, and do everything possible to make it where your ex's turn on their TV and have to watch you. Make them think, cuss, swear, want more money from you, and all that neat stuff, while your out explaining how the poof works, and make people love ya for who you are.
If you don't believe in yourself, who's gonna believe in ya? Never be afraid, and dang sure, don't be silly wrap ole willy or one day you yourself will be sitting writing a blog just like this.

Summer Time

2013-03-15T10:14:00.000-05:00

It coming about that time of year when flip flops, corns, bunyans, and all the other nice things come out. Not to forget, warmer weather, no frost, panting dogs, and armpit sweat. It's it just lovely to think of summer around the corner? Oh must I forget, Walmart, the time we see daisy dukes on golf ball dimpled legs, Frito toenails, half shirts, and droopy stomachs. And the best time of year, the line up for the fairs. Nothing gets me more excited than the fair coming to town, where else in America can we run down and wait in line to have some toothless Jane or Joe make us a funnel cake?
The weather is getting warmer, incase you haven't noticed, and the days are getting longer, hints to why your ass is being pulled in a wagon behind you every morning. But we as Americans stand up, sweat loud and be proud. Talk about some strange happenings, I was abducted by aliens the other night, oddest thing that ever did happen to me. Thank God they let me go when they found out I didn't speak English.
But on the other hand, living in central Nebraska, not only do we have the County Fair that brings in all the Walmart shopper look-a-likes, we also have the State Fair. That's right, our metropolis, the only place the mayor can get a DUI and stay in office, but the Lt. Governor calls a chick on his phone and gets the boot, we are proud to host such an event. We can attract some of the strangest ducks, from a 60 year old with perfect circular boobs and winkled up like a scrotum on a 90 year old, but wearing that bikini top. God bless us, or help us, either way we are upside down.
Ole Large Marge is straining the grease from last year, and getting her permits ready, charging up her golf cart, and saving money by cutting off the arms on her t-shirts. But, we all know she makes killer fried foods, and we can't wait to lubricate our intestines with her delights. You all know me, I say toss on some strawberries or cherries and call it healthy. Dang skippy. Dig in, grab some paper towels to help stop the grease from running down your elbow, beings we can't lick our elbows, or maybe Celo Green can, humm, that should be on Mythbusters.
But when it starts warming up, don't forget, bathe, mow the yard, do all the honey do crap you have put off all winter, and find a good beach with scenery that is good on a mans eyes. Not looking for the chick that goes in the tanning bed smoking a cig, trying to just put on a front, but I'm talking a sharp dressed swimsuit wearing hottie. And when ya find it, let your balls drop, start off a chat, and then don't be silly wrap ole willy.

Eventful Weekend

2013-02-17T19:18:00.000-06:00

The successful weekend is one that should always be remembered. This was one of them. One of my boys was talking to his friend and what their parents do. Oddly enough, mine says his dad is a stand up funny man unless he eats to much, then he sits. The kid said his mom worked at the bowling alley, and that's when I piped up, oh she can wax a hardwood and polish balls? Is she single and have big boobs? Obviously not the material a 7 year old knows. Right over his head.
I did learn Girl Scout cookies are awesome meal replacements and only $3.50 a box compared to a $7.99 happy meal with cold fries. But, who's counting? So, we went to Walmart, hungry, real damn hungry I guess, we only bought food that had a preparation time of less that 5 minutes, and we know we were hungry cause we don't live in Colorado. Got to meet a bike gang dude, long hair, braided with Ponch off CHIPS glasses, rolled up cigs in his sleeve, leather jacket and pants. I started to talk to him, I always really wanted to know why bikers try to be the crypts and bloods. He said it is a brotherhood, family, like a marriage. All I said was sounds like Arkansas or West Virginia. And obviously, that wasn't the thing to say to him.
We did learn that we should just swing by McDonald's instead of driving home and then getting food ready. So I got up to the speaker, they asked if they could help me like always. I gave them, "I.....nee....fri......che....arg....." In which I got a sir, we must be having problems with our speaker, can you pull up to the first window please? And errrrrr, I was there. She wanted to help, but I said, "ain't no problem with the speaker, every time I come here you fuck up my order so I thought I would start it off right from the beginning. You can bet your sweetass I got all my order that time. Oh yes I did, and a couple coupons so I can come back for them to fuck it up more.
The moral of the story is pretty good all in all. Some people think your an ass, but others think your just an asshole. Really, God loves me so much he has a picture of me in his wallet. I did receive a phone call from my kids friends dad asking about his mom's boobs. Whooops. I said oh my bad, maybe she is more like a rental shoe from the bowling alley, fill her to capacity, got her warm and smelling good, and handed her back to ya. And that, was strike 3. I didn't learn a damn thing other than I should have not been silly and wrapped ole Willy 7 years ago.

Diamonds are 4eva

2013-01-07T12:58:00.001-06:00

So, as I was out and about Christmas doing my shopping because the Mayans SUCK and didn't save me any money. I noticed how many suckers there were in the bling bling shops. Now, first off, dudes, I know alot about bling bling, and I'm now going to share with you, for what it's worth.
When you go into a store and there is a karat ring for $5,000, and one for $10,000 I always ask, why the hell. So, the little Indian, with a dot, gives me this pirate looking device to check out the clarity. Do yo see that speckle in the diamond. Absolutely NOT, but I do see a dickhead on the other side of the counter trying to screw me. Now, really, when people walk around with one of these one eye telescope ring blasters on their eyes, I will worry about it. Until then, I am getting what I want. And then he has nothing to say.
And ladies, if a dude buys you a huge ring for any occasion, he's cheating. If you don't believe me, just ask Kobe. And if you have a little ring, that is the guy that really needs you, not only because he thinks little things matter, but the fact he also could use an additional income, so keep on working.
And WTF is up with this I need to upgrade shit? Come on, every year?? Really?? How many times have us men been fooled by our ladies buying those brownie candles, and we walk in thinking she has cooked for us, only to find out we are going to be drooling on ourselves, tummy gurgling, craving brownies all night all because of a damn candle? That's pig crap if you ask me. You want to do something cool, go buy a diamond upgrade scented candle and burn that bitch all day before she get's home. Same thing. Exactly the same thing.
So, the next time you are out just wondering around, go ahead and take the cheaper diamond, it's not like she ain't gonna want a bigger one next year, so start small, REAL small and work your way up, and in the mean time, I am going to work out a fragrance for this diamond upgrade bullshit all the ladies have been tricked into believing to keep up with the Jones. If you want to do something neat and unique, knock her up, nothing say's I love you more than having her waddle around for 9 months with your "I got laid trophy".
But all leading to all, never trust the Indian with the dot on the other side of the counter trying to sell you clarity you can't see with the naked eye, burn candles, and remember, a ring don't close a hole, but a rock does. Until then, don't be silly, wrap ole willy, unless ya want a trophy!!!! Diamonds are 4 eva bullshit, diamonds are great until next year!!!

Potty Training

2012-11-26T21:36:00.000-06:00

Man, it took my 5 years to get my first kid potty trained. 3 of those were trying to get him to stop peeing outside on the tree. Heck, first kid, first problem, second was diapers were going up in price, I had a solution, taught him men piss on trees. Never bought another diaper, nor did I realize the thought he was going to fall in and drown in the toilet water. I tell ya, when we finally dropped the canoe in to see if it would float or had a hole in it, aka take a shit, and for some reason ALL KIDS have to have someone wipe them. If you don't answer to the ole "I'm done, wipe please," you have shared your loss of dignity when you walk in and your son has ASSUMED THE POSITION. God, I tell you, I didn't know what to do, or what to say, so I asked the priest to step to the side, and got the job done. The priest was just a joke, sorry Baptist.
Now with my girl, this was cake walk, no princess potties in her fluffy undies. You notice the different when it comes to girl talk, so you completely understand how FREAKING HARD IT IS TO DO IT. So we had to come up with our own fairy tale language. Like "lets go have a talk to Mr. Elgin", the name on the damn toilet. Now this was pretty damn easy until I figured out not every toilet in America has Elgin on it, now that was a crock of crap if I ever seen one. When we walked in, with me closing her eyes, under my jacket, with duct tape to make sure she wasn't peeking at the stand ups, I don't want her laughing at a guy, if she goes in kicking and screaming, most guys know the drill, someones going to get their ass whipped. So having a fairy tale conversation going thru to the stall does not have the meaning of "we got shit to take care of". Plus talking fairy tale going into a men's room would probably get my ass kicked, or make me an Obama supporter, or chicken sandwich runner awayer from. So, she was the easiest, by far. Swallow my pride and say we conquered the world at age 2, and ALWAYS in an inside potty.
Then comes the master blaster, the ole 7 year old, this dude could piss down a football field and never break stream. I don't know where he gets it from, it mom wasn't a squirter, and I look like a shotgun going off because ever since I got a barbell put in it,, that's another story. He can hold it for about 3 hours and then have to go and every time I hear the blast hit the splash clear in the other room. When I changed his diaper, he did have alot of me, so I know it's not cause it's small. If I could find those in a store, that nozzle would blast the paint off a car with a garden hose. So, being constructive, I taught him how to blast stains on the toilet off. His wife is going to love me someday. I just hope I don't have to teach her too. But this kid, his only problem is he is a shitting talker. He HAS to have someone to shoot the crap with when he is stinking up the bathroom. And the kid is all legs, his mom had them pretzel legs, you know, the ones you wrap around ya and tie them behind ya. He will talk about what he is doing, where he is going, what's going on tomorrow, and always what time does he have to go to bed. Now the first few days of this was no big issue, but come on, 5 years has been WAY to long. Well, now I'm wondering if his wife will like me. But, I have fixed the issue, and that's where my 3 year old comes to play.
Don't be silly wrap ole willy,,,,,sorry I ain't done a blog in so long.

My Story

2012-10-30T20:38:00.000-05:00

Some who know me, know the story, but most don't. So, here it is, tossing it out there, because if just ONE person reads it, and it makes sense, I have done my job.
It was a perfectly clear morning on October 30, 2006, with some wind, which is not out of the norm in Nebraska, I drove down to Red Cloud to pick up some cattle so people could have some hamburgers and steak for dinner. I was to get 36 but there were only 32 left, so I loaded them. Driving up from Red Cloud, the cows decided to play soccer or something in the back, and pulled me off the right side of the road, and I remember looking straight up in the air, and then a crash and grind. I knocked my semi and trailer onto the passenger side of the cab, and went shooting sparks down the highway. I made it 156 feet, and never crossed the center line. If I had, we would have lost a mother and 2 kids that were headed right at me.
I came to a stop and then tried to climb out, I was in alot of pain, but for some reason I thought the truck was going to blow up, beings I had just filled both tanks with 110 gallons of diesel. But I knew I was hurt. I laid in the ditch until the medics arrived, and then they toted me into the ER in Hastings. I did all I needed to do, and x-rays and all that good stuff, being I could hardly breath or walk.
They gave me 3 codeine pills and said I was bruised up and going to be sore in the morning. Well, it was sore the next morning, I couldn't even move. My parents came down and picked me up from my house in Hastings, and off we went to Grand Island, to the ER. I got me a CT Scan, and then all I knew I ended up being rushed to the VA in Omaha. Whoops, Hastings missed some important stuff and sent me home when I was hurt beyond their care. So I get to the ER at the VA, and doc comes in and says your the guy with the bruised spleen, broken back and ribs. I said, I am??? I knew I was the guy that was just going to have some bruises, but damn, did I fall out of bed last night or what??
Yep, even laying jacked up on pain meds, I can be funny. I was sent upstairs for a hospital stay. I stayed 4 days in which my wife at the time stayed one with me. Which was fine. I got me a turtle shell to wear for about 4 months while my 2 vertebra's healed from being broken, and we watched my spleen like a baby chicken in a coop with a coon. It kept getting bigger and bigger.
Finally, after about 6 months, I came to a point where it was hard to breath, and my spleen hurt. So, we decided we needed to take it out. But the problem was, my platelet count was WAY low. So I had to do some biopsy's first to make sure I didn't have cancer, which on top of everything else, about eats ya up. It all came back that my spleen was hording my platelets, and therefore causing the drop. So we take out the spleen, and I'm in ICU for I think 2 days, still to this day it is fuzzy. My spleen which was 9 inches long and weighed 10 lbs, was the largest they have ever seen, and they have no idea how it didn't burst. If it does burst, you only have seconds.
But in the mean time, my wife at the time, was telling me I needed to get back to work and get a job. While she going to school. Telling me I was worthless, and she hoped I did have cancer. She was only with me in the hospital for 1 day out of a week, and I had to get me some blood and was ONE SICK DUDE. All came out well, I was on the mend, and still getting torn down at home.
In total I was off work for 16 months. That is when it came to me, God has a direction in my life, and no matter what I try to do to avoid what it is he wants me to do, you will loose. So I stopped and took a hard look at things. First off, I needed a divorce, and when I brought it up on time, it was granted, and she tried to keep my son from me for 5 months. But, I just bit my lip, wrote jokes from it, and moved on. With family support.
I got my spleen removed, which means, my immune system SUCKS, if you sneeze anywhere near me, I will be sick the next day. But, other than that I'm just me. I do avoid hospitals. Just for my own sake.
So I got me a divorce, and one day, I was told by a friend I needed to do a show and get back on the road. Well, that is tough, especially starting out, I've been down that road before. So I accepted the challenge, and found out that people can really relate to me, I just bring out the everyday occurrences and make them funny. But in the mean time, the old bitch I got rid of, was trying to bust me down and bust me down. Then she decided to move to keep my son away from me, and moved way out west. He hates it, and isn't happy, the court system just gives me material like D.C. and I'm me, I'm a tough SOB and I know who my God is, and he is the only one going to tell me what to do and not to do. So, I am on the road, doing what I love to do, writing, selling, and working my butt off to become what I call my own superstar. My goal is to have my ex have to see me on T.V. Just to I can get the last smile and grin. Knowing it comes from deep inside. The nights I was trying to heal and she would kick my back, make me mow in my back brace, tell me I was worthless cause I wasn't working, and all along she had herself a boyfriend and that is why she couldn't stay in the hospital with me.
Well, I'm not Karma, one day she will have to answer, and I know she will lie, but it was the bitter chilly morning of October 30, 2006 that changed my life, made me move on, be happier than I ever have, and if I can wake up everyday and make someone laugh, I have accepted my challenge. That is who I am, I don't have time for abuse, I don't have time to sit around and hear how you are better than me because you are getting a Dr. degree online for counseling, I am me, I'm funny, people like me, and I'm going to make it BIG TIME or atleast die trying with a smile on my face and someone elses. I'm no better than anyone, I'm just me, I have been down a dark road and figured out what I needed to do, and am doing it. So, if you come to a show and your sick cool, I'll make you smile and then run so I don't catch it. But everyone needs to stop and think in the world, what can I do to make a better place, what is it that I am really suppose to be doing? If you aren't happy, only you can change it, I can make ya laugh, but that's only temporary.
The joys of life and being tossed some bad cards, I have made the best of it, and I NEVER get real personal to just anyone, but I'm tossing it out there so everyone knows me better than they did yesterday. Crap happens, get up, dust off and move on. Ya I may be bitter about my ex, but that is my right, and it keeps me pumped to exceed my dreams!!! So, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.

Political Debate

2012-10-17T17:57:00.000-05:00

As most of you know, this world is in much needed help for repair. It's kind of like when your so called friends gave you ex-lax and told you it was chocolate bars. There is nothing more than having over filled your britches and foaming from the ankles more than a country that has crazy ideas thrown at them by some guy that wishes he had a binder full of women. I don't know what all is going on, I know the way we are going this plane is gonna crash and shit ain't gonna be good. I mean, why do we all stand on the sidewalk and just wait for the big one, I love me some NASCAR, but dang, when it comes to D.C. and my kids having to suffer, I guess it's time we change a few things.
First off, let's make weed legal. The whole aspect of crime will come down, people will not have enough motivation to rob stores, beat people up, shoot guns at each other. Nobody has ever overdosed on weed alone, but on the bright side, it will cause little Debbie sales to increase, bring Betty crocker back economically, and help with the shortage of cops in towns. With less crime, we need less cops, tax the crap and lets do this.
Take some of the tax money and help out the fire fighters, because we all know not everyone has bong water, in which a fire can be put out with. So we may have an increase of fires, or atleast some burn marks on clothes and stuff, so we can help the dudes that can put out the big one.
We as Americans can just sit on the sidewalk and watch the cars go by, or we can get off our butts and do something so the dog don't get hit when crossing the street. Stand up, make a stand, believe in what you want, but share it, dare it, and carry thru with it. I guess it all comes back to the time my mom ran over our dog when I was a kid, I know she did it on purpose because I was holding it at the time. From that day forward, I have not held a dog around a car, because I believe I don't have 9 lives. I really don't care who gets office along as it is someone different, who won't take away my guns.
Guns don't kill people, people do, that is like saying McDonald's needs to shut down because they make people fat. Oh wait, they serve Diet Coke so that makes it all better. The crazy thing that has happen this last January is our own Veterans who gave their sacrifice for this country, and got thrown in war because of our leaders, also had their gun rights taken from them because they have mental health issues. They are the ones that will stand up to the bad guys with the guns for the people. That would be like closing all the movie theaters down because someone got shot in one, or taking all the cop cars from the cops because one cop wrecked one. Some times we have to stop, look at the real picture, and wonder,,,what were they thinking.
As the election get's closer, and we have the right to change what needs changed, stand up, be proud, be an American and vote. If you decide to drink first, drink, then all is well and do it then, it can't be worse than what is happening inside government housing. But if you don't care and want to stay home and do nothing, then don't be silly wrap ole willy.

Life as me

2012-10-17T12:54:00.000-05:00

As a stand up, we often run into that one special person that cannot stand to be poked on, or brought out into public humiliation. For some reason, we love to eat them up. For instance, a gay cop, a short fat cop, an old cop, see anything going on here? We love to pick on cops, why, cause they always try to be so serious, and have people look up to them, to be a leader, these were the kids that would quit playing neighborhood football when they were loosing, the one's that always wanted to pick teams, the ones who wanted to be Captain of a sports team, but were never good enough, so they said a big FU and got a badge and gun so people would HAVE to abide by them.
All in all, cops are way underpaid, I personally would not be a cop, there is no way your going to send me into a gaggle of immigrants to try to break up a fight, nor can I deal with people that hurt kids. I would have one motto, Shoot now, question later. I would be that one cop everyone knows, and laughs with while we are eating donuts everyday about 8 am.
In every crowd you have the one shut out, don't pick on me, I don't want to sit up towards the front, I'm scared I'm going to be the butt of the joke, well, guess what? We know who you are and there is NO hiding. But when ya have had enough liquid courage, we will get ya, just when you think you are all WHEW he missed me, like a fish going after a rubber worm, we set that hook and reel ya in. I strive to get that one person, and then just let everyone know how they think.
Although we are not perfect in any means, I can walk on water when I see a snake, but I love to push the envelope, I guess I have done this all my life, and nothing is better than seeing a cop, lawyer, teacher, or any other person sit in their chair and try to slip under the table and get upset. But when it is all over, most of these people are upset, but get over it, pull your pants up, just cause your you don't make you any better than any other person, so stop and think to yourself, what am I doing or how am I acting to have someone pick up on me? But sometimes, we are wrong in hitting on the wrong person, but we get the vibe, and move off quickly. That is our job, people think things about other people are funny, and nobody likes to be the butt of the joke, so your in a lose lose world when you take the stage, and if we can turn this world around to everyone having fun, laughing, joking, not caring what others think, and stop trying to be to big for our britches, maybe we can get somewhere, or go back in time's to the early 90's when we all had fun. But if you decide to have fun, and for some reason try to pick up a hooker wearing them big tall leather boots and all dressed up, remember, Lincoln Nebraska has bike cops, and they don't like being hit on. But if ya score, and not get a ticket, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.

Can I borrow 20

2012-10-17T12:37:00.001-05:00

All of us have that one special friend we don't hear from for days, and then all of a sudden out of the blue, or maybe red or orange, the color is all in your head, heck I'm colorblind anywho, and then we get the text,,,,,Can I borrow $20 until Friday. The first thing going thru my head is, do I have an extra 20 I can part with in my life? We all know you won't see it again.
So I got this idea, I'm going to text my friends about once a month and ask for money. If I have 5 people that will part with a 20, that is an extra 100 in my pocket. That is about like setting up a PO Box, and running an add in a paper or magazine and telling people to send a self addressed stamped envelope to me and I can tell them how to make hundreds of dollars. I will print off instructions and they will be kind of like this.

Set up a PO Box in a business name.

Run add in paper or magazine, the same add you answered.

Print off these instructions, stuff into their envelope, take your $5 you get from the sorry bastards that mailed it to you and do something with it.

Mail these instructions back to people letting them know not only are they suckers like you, but there are many more people in the world like them, and don't get any paper cuts.

Now is that an idea or what? Oh wait, you'll have that one friend that will text and ask for money to place the add, and as we all know, when you lend money to a friend, you might as well light it on fire and watch it go cause your never gonna see it again. I personally don't ask to borrow clothes, so why money? But if ya happen to find some sugar mama that can spare some dollars as change, don't be silly and wrap ole willy.

Some Time Off

2012-10-17T12:27:00.000-05:00

As most of you followers have noticed, I have taken some time off. Not because I found a woman to make me a sandwich, but the holidays are coming and that always leads to having to switch some show material around, and then trying to figure out how to make it "G" rated. That's like trying to say John Holmes can be a preacher sometimes. I tell ya, I get more frustrated than a puppy locked in a kennel at times. But I think I may have thought of some bits, and so lets test them out like a cheap girl you just snagged from the bar.

Went to my ex's house the other day, and she had a door pillow knitted thing on the knob, which was very suiting beings everyone has had their turn, and the pillow said HO HO HO, so I told her nice name plate. That worked out as good as stealing gas next to a police station for me.

The ole JW's came around, for those of you that are not following, the Jehovah Witnesses, wanted to share their off-beat religion with me, I asked if they believed in Santa, and they said who, I told them to get out how the hell am I suppose to get a new TV for Christmas if I roll their way.

The new Black Ops 2 on PlayStation came out, the last time Call of Duty came out, I regained my virginity, this time I am buying the new game for my teenage son to preserve his.

I keep going to the bar and trying to find me a Santa's helper chick like I see in my DVD collection at the house, I guess I'm going to have to sell it to some Sifi collector.

The good thing about getting crappy gifts for Christmas is that leads to one less present I have to buy next year. Thanks mom.

The elections are really scaring me, have you seen how much Mitt looks like Walter from Jeff Dunham?? We are hoping to get rid of the Cabbage Patch Kid in office now, and replaced with someone with googly eyes and a stick up his ass? What are the odds.

I love snow, I may be about 40 years old, but I've got a lot wiser. When I make snow angels naked in my neighbors yard they always come out looking like a naked chick stopped by.

I love this new photo shop, I can take a picture of a lady at the bar and make her clothes come off, print the picture, and mail an I'm sorry letter with the picture to her husband.

I see you have over 50 pictures with you and your friends at the bars, and only one of your child, maybe you should stay home and pretend to be that great mother your not.

So when your mind is a racing car and your fingers are the track, sometimes lines are good and sometimes not so good. If ya would let me know which are kickers and which are shitters, that would be great. Nothing like having a HUGE audience of participation, I feel like that Bobette guy after my wife drinks slice. Well, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.

Elvis Underware

2012-08-28T20:23:00.000-05:00

Everything in the world is for sale if the price is right, and someone has money. Since money don't grow on every tree in a backyard, they need to go global with the sale of something extraordinary. Take Elvis underware for example. First off, how we know it was really Elvis that wore them? Does it come complete with the DVD addition, remake, of Elvis Gone Wild? And then to take and add complete with stains? Really? Maybe we should take a stain, and have a DNA analysis done on it just to show the stain is really Elvis. Now that there stain would be a Hunk a Hunk a Burning britches.
If I had enough money to waste on someone elses 40 year old shit stain in their supposed undies, I would by Madonna's. Sure Elvis is probably a better bargain, or bigger piece for dollar than hers, but man, that would be the only way I would ever be allowed in them. So now in the news, we get to check out how much Elvis shit stained drawers are on auction. What is this crazy world coming to? Next will be Kim K. auctioning off a blow job, oh wait, she hasn't found out she can make money on those yet, she still don't charge.
I can see shoes, cars, his HOT ASS DAUGHTER, house, but really, we have stooped to a new low world, we are now selling shit stained drawers online and some idiot is going to pay big money for something they can't really prove. I have some awesome Oceanside property on an island down in the Bahamas for sale, comes with a boat dock, I just don't take any pictures cause I leave all my problems behind when I go there, maybe I should sell that.
If you are even putting on a bid for some dirty drawers, just hold your hat, I have some non-stained, ball sweated one's I can sell ya for half the price, and they are a heck of a lot fresher beings I'm still alive. Heck, I'll even swing by Taco Bell right quick before I ship them so you can have a stain too. In the mean time, now that you are thinking of undies, and I'm hot on Madonna's, if she even wears any, don't be silly wrap ole willy before someone finds something else wild and crazy to sell.

Pre-Schooler to change name?

2012-08-28T15:17:00.000-05:00

So much for the idea that my kids can get a good education from my hometown. I tell ya, they are busting the chops of a deaf kid in pre-school he needs to change his name because it looks like a gun when he signs it. Well, let me show you a double barreled sign language that you may understand. The ole middle finger hello. With all the news getting out about it, I just wanted to sit and let ya know what I think.
First off, we don't decided what to name our kids after they conduct the hearing test at birth. I mean, really, stop and think well if he can hear we can name him something easy and that don't look like something else. You don't be hating when the school you represent rolls out a cannon at a football game. You trying to teach our kids it's okay to roll outside and fire off a bang when someone scores. Imagine being by a whorehouse hearing all them bangs. I guess we should ask the idiots up in the main building how they decided to name their kid. Sure hope none of them have a Hunter in their family.
This all goes back to playing the cards your dealt with. The kid is 3 year's old and knows sign language, I'm 40 and don't, I know some, but nothing that he does. I'm sure more than half the administrators don't either. So, why are we paying someone to sit in a chair, read papers of how everything is going, because as long as it's good on paper that's all the counts. Obviously they were reading papers or they would have never ran across the sign language book that showed what it really was in sign. Or maybe they just ran across them at the store and said "hey, I'll have something to do at work tomorrow trying to make the kids parents change his name and look like a fool in front of America." Now that's someone I'm proud of to sit in a tax payers seat.
As a comic I have a heart, not every kid chooses to have a disability, and not all diabilities were from birth. But to think someone has the horns poking out their head to stop and want to cause something so drastic to a kid that does is outright unruly, and uncalled for. I guess while they are sitting and reading all the media, and getting slapped in the face, I hope some attorney is pounding on the door of the kids house. These people have rights, just as you have the right to work, but I guess I don't really have to go into it, because karma will come around, Hunter will have his way paid thru college, and you will have a name known by the world. Oh, maybe I can't say world because in sign language it looks like you are making fun of fat people, and hurts your feelings.
I guess when they write a book on my town, it will be titled, The Mayor and School System, the How Not to Book for Nebraskans. All I know is the Mayor is in his office wiping the sweat off his brow the media finally has something other than him to get in this town. Maybe we will be lucky and he can show his wisdom at a Fire Station in support of the schools. That would be icing on the cake, don't be silly wrap ole willy.