Gender Lines Crossed

Why I haven't Written

2012-01-26T11:05:00.000-06:00

Long story short, I was struggling.

With Life.
With my gender identity,
With my sexuality.
With my family life.
With my friends.
With work.
With school.
Should I continue?

Anyway, it's time to fill my readers in on my life as I currently know it. I came out to him. :D Yes, you read that right, the man of the hour. I told him about my gender identity. I had a huge mental collapse and didn't know where else to turn but to find out what he actually thought about me, and my gender, and how I feel about him, and everything I've been bottling up more and more ever since I came out to myself.

And my god, it was the most fulfilling experience of my life. He reacted so well, he's so supportive... he's everything I need when it comes to becoming who I really am. We also even came to agreements about how I feel towards him, which is another insane thing. These are things we never discussed vocally to each other before, only through instant messaging. And hearing his voice be so supportive of me, and want to be there for me through all of it, was just the greatest gift he could have given me. No questions, no lack of understanding present, just genuine happiness that I am discovering myself.

Lately, whenever I'm feeling down, this is what I think about. It doesn't always help, but quite often it does. I also still have my trans group, which has been an excellent support system, and other supportive friends. But there's still something about the boy being so understanding and supportive that makes me so happy.

Other things include that I have been presenting more masculine than ever (mens long sleeve crew shirts are so comfy!) but I haven't been packing very much. I want to go back to packing, but it does take a little bit of patience (having to get my harness ready in the morning, having specific underwear to use, etc) and I tend to get lazy. I've started considering a breast reduction surgery. First I want to continue trying losing weight first, though.

Also, I get my new dildo today! I got paid so I get to order it! YAY :) I've also been struggling with my sexuality lately. This is how I currently define it: a "gay male-minded" asexual nymphomaniac. Have fun with that.

How I feel about the two people I love right now.

2012-01-01T12:21:00.000-06:00

Gender Variant Bottom Health

2011-12-23T15:02:00.002-06:00

I watch a lot of YouTube videos. I like learning about the trans community and the like, and one of the most common topics is bottom health for FtM's. While it is not the same for a gender variant person, I feel as if it's a topic that's never been touched in my category and while it's most certainly different from person to person, I think I'll talk a bit about it.

Gender Variance and the nether region...
So, in my form of gender variance, I am willing to... enjoy the pleasures... of having a vaj region, but in most cases I want to pretend it's not there. I don't like looking down there, I don't like seeing it... I'd rather not HAVE a sex organ. Yes, I do pack. Why you may ask, if I don't want a sex organ? To me, my bottom region is a mystery even to myself, and packing helps me reflect that. Do I have a penis? A vagina? A mix? Neither? There's a scene in Dogma where Alan Rickman yanks off his pants and he's "as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll," and that's how I feel. So how do I have to take care of this? I have Ovarian Cancer in my family, and unfortunately humans born female need to have special exams since, for crying out loud, we have a giant hole leading to the baby carrier. This in and of itself is a challenge.

The Physical Health
Things I've noticed since I started packing are that it can get a little smelly down there if using a harness with underwear underneath like I do. How I usually pack is: a pair of female panties covered by my harness, with boxers or boxer briefs over the top to give me that "package" effect I like to see. With 3 layers not including pants, it can get sweaty down there fast. Sometimes what can happen is a mild odor, and sometimes others around you might be able to smell it. I wouldn't say its bad, but it's definitely a "my vagina is sweating" moment that can get uncomfortable. I would recommend washing thoroughly down there every day.

Another thing is to wash the packer often. I usually wash mine about once a week. Yeah, lint is ugly and gross but it isn't the end of the world. However, you don't want your packer clinging onto any bacteria or such and getting truly nasty. This can also help odors since new packers often smell latexy or rubbery.

So... exams. I'm 20. I've only had one and it was because I had a mild yeast infection. I cried so hard. That was the first time I realized I wanted nothing to do with my crotch. I didn't want a penis, I just didn't want a vagina. But it needs to be done. There are so many health problems that can occur, but the good news is, if you are not sexually active you can wait until you are 22! I was excited to hear that. One good thing about being a virgin! Yay! (Rolls eyes) But hey, it's true. Make sure you have a doctor that you are comfortable with, and that will explain to you what's going on. But also make sure there isn't a student that tags along because that's just uncomfortable.

The Mental Health

I have a lot of issues mentally with what's going on down there and it can change day to day. I had an incident recently that made me never want to pack again (involving rude comments from someone who had no right to judge whether I pack or not) but when it all comes down to it, sometimes it's the only thing that can help when you don't know what you want down there. So, packing is a big deal for me. If I'm feeling really down about myself it can boost my attitude and make me feel masculine enough to fight back against the world. I don't always need it. I only pack about once a week, if that, but when I do it's a great feeling.

Shaving. I tried the whole shave it clean thing once and had the worst dysphoria of my life. I did not like having to see what was there. It's grown back now thankfully and I'm actually letting it get a little wild down there out of spite for what I did. But my usual is to keep it groomed (trimmed and shaved around the edges/opening) because that keeps your region cleaner and less chance of infection, as well as makes you look a little less messy if you have a partner that's going to be playing down there. Even bio men who groom are excellent in my mind. Makes it look like you care about your privates if you keep them in at least nicely groomed order.

So, what do I do to try to help the fact I don't want to see my crotch? I wear pants/boxers/undies/anything that covers it as much as possible. When I masturbate I focus on either the inside of my eyelids or porn so that I don't have to look down there. In my mentality I see my crotch as just a pleasurable place. It doesn't have a formation if I don't have to look at it. TMI about the masturbation? Yep :P but now you know. I just try not to look at it and it won't bother me. If I can't see it, someone else can't either and as such, it doesn't have to even exist!

Uses of my Bio (or not Bio) Parts

Yeah. I wan't to ignore it exists, but... My big goal in life is to have a family. AKA birth children myself. It's odd but I'm okay with the parts that are INSIDE of me. It's the outside that bothers me. I'm glad I have the parts to birth children. I feel like that's going to be an honor. Doesn't mean I have to like what the outside looks like.

The clit. My favorite outside bit. Just because I don't look at it doesn't mean I don't know what it does. I have considered clitoral enlargement. I really like the idea of being able to whack it off.

Strap-ons. I will be banging my guy up his ass with one when the time comes. I love the idea of being the fuck-er, not just the fuck-ee. We can switch off, I'm open to receiving in any hole, but I also want to get sucked and fuck as well.

I hope you find my article enjoyable! I can expand on more at any time!

Where has the time gone again?

2011-11-14T14:30:00.000-06:00

I'm back. I have to write more often, because this is where I take out my stress and anger about gender...

Let's start with the trans group that I am in now. It's a fun time, if nothing more than spending time with others who have gender struggles. There's me, the gender variant, a MtF, and two FtMs who attend regularly. There's also another FtM and his partner who are facilitating the group. We've talked quite a bit about personal emotional struggles, how to represent trans identities, and bullying.

Bullying? That's a good topic to write about. Not sure if I've talked about it before, but apparently the sorority girls on my floor have an issue with me based upon my gender representation, especially in the bathroom. Which, I don't get, because it's not like they see my packer (Funny Idea, I should prance in the shower with it on...) and naked we all look the same, inherently. They don't get that we (as in, the transgressors of sexuality and/or gender) are still people, too. But anyway... the bullies have been reported and actions are being taken to get them off of our floor and out of the hall completely. It was an interesting situation, because I thought I was the only person getting bullied but then I got called in to give any information I knew about ANOTHER girl being bullied. What... the... hell?

So, point being, bullying sucks, but they will end up paying for it.

On a note about transgenderism, the 20th is National Transgender Remembrance Day, which is kind of a big deal now that I'm out. It's a day to remember any trans individuals who died from hate. It's lesser known than many of the LGB... issues that arise, so I just wanted everyone to know to take a moment of silence that day to remember Trans individuals who couldn't live the good life that others of us get to live. I have it good, I'm not going to deny that.

Something I've been struggling a lot with the past few days is that I had a vaginal exam... it was super degrading. And... I realized some dysphoria that I've been internalizing about my downstairs area. Granted, part of the issue was that there was a med student who was learning about how perfectly placed my cervix is, and how I have a shallow vag (good news boys, I don't need a big one after all!) but I wanted to cry the minute I separated my legs. I knew then how much I hate that area. While I like my vagina and what it does, I would love to have an enlarged clit. (I already have a big one, but I'm talking like... erectable) I just don't know what all this dysphoria means for me...

I need to lighten the mood. These are heavy topics.

Okay. So... that's not light. That's just me being horny for Snape again. HERE'S a lighter one.

Beautiful!!! TangerineExtreme does amazing YouTube videos. Plus... the real music video for that song scares me a little bit.

Well, anyway, I have counseling tonight, and I'm sure issues surrounding my identity will come to light as usual. I think I've done enough for today.

It's been a while... but I need to talk

2011-10-27T21:21:00.000-05:00

I haven't been doing so well, guys... probably one of the many reasons I haven't written here. That, and the fact I'm in the process of changing majors, of having serious depression over my boy, getting in huge fights with my best friend, searching for myself...

But here's what I want to talk about. The discussion as to whether or not being "genderqueer" is a phase. Well, if it is, it is a phase that I have been going through since I was very little. Yep, I had that accusation last night, while I was on the verge of harming myself as it was. Luckily, I didn't. I knew better and I had a friend who pulled through for me and reminded me why it wasn't worth it. But... I was born as I am. I was born extremely masculine. I played a round of soccer tonight, went RC racing on Tuesday... I do my own thing. I've been packing a lot because of how much problems I've been having with myself and depression lately, and it does help a little.

I know a pretty cool guy that I met on Facebook who is making "Sock C@cks" by the way, and he sends them FOR FREE. If you are interested, comment and I will get back to you with his facebook address so that you can get in contact with him.

I'll try to write more again. I promise. I have another book I will be reading and will want to talk about it. I just need to get through exam week.

Combatting Life and Not Finding My Identity

2011-10-05T12:23:00.000-05:00

I haven't had any time to even work on my identity past watching some videos on YouTube and joining TransQueer Nation online. Here's why.

1. A year since my mom's death last week Wednesday
2. A year since a very close friend's dad died last week Today
3. A close friend's dad in surgery right now for a quadrupal bypass
4. I'm struggling with school
5. I'm struggling with my identity
6. I'm debating what I want to do with my life
7. My dad's "gf" is coming to visit this weekend
8. I'm completely out of time and collapsing.

Shoot me. Please.

But let's be real. There are topics that need to be discussed and issues that need to be addressed, and I need to get back on my game with this blog. Monday I will be talking to Liz about the Transgender Voices book, which is exciting, and then hopefully I will have more topics to cover.

But right now it's like, my life is not nearly as important as it should be. Everyone else comes first for a while. I don't know what else to say right now. I think I'm going to just sit and be for a while.

Hell and Back

2011-09-29T22:58:00.000-05:00

So... I have amazing friends. My mom died a year ago yesterday of Ovarian Cancer and I had over 110 friends wearing teal, sending me loving messages, leaving me awesome notes, and just really having my back all day long. That was awesome, and kept me from completely losing my mind through my entire day. I managed to only cry happy tears because of some of the cool stuff that people did for me.

Today I lost it a few times in anger, stress, and over just stupid stuff, but I'm finally getting back on track.

Minus the fact I haven't done homework all week. So the weekend... is going to blow chunks.

Honestly, I don't have a whole lot to say today but I really wanted to post. I wanted to talk. I'm currently watching a new station on YouTube that I just discovered, FTMtranstastic. It kind of sucks that there's really no information out there for gender variants, but I do feel I can relate to FtM's, even though I am not a transsexual, but a transgender (gender variant, ya know?). There are some cool kids on this station and I hope it's as informational as FTMKickstart.

What should I talk about... I got my subtle trans pride necklace, an ankh with the trans pride colors as beads around it. Since I don't really want to be "out" (I just want to live as me. People can figure this shit out on their own) but I want to help myself embrace who I am, I liked this. I also got a trans pride flag and hung it in my dorm room because I'm that awesome.

Other random facts... I'm going to be getting a piercing, which is exciting. http://www.bodyjewelleryshop.com/body_jewellery_shop/body_piercings/snug_ear_piercing_jewellery.cfm
That's what I'm getting. It'll be my first piercing, only a few friends know it's happening, and I haven't told my dad or boy. Whoopsies. They will get used to it. And it's subtle.

I plan on getting SAFE trained by the second week of October, and I will also be meeting with Liz to discuss "Transgender Voices"... which means I have to make time to finish reading it this weekend.

So for now, I will leave you with an awesome song from a cool kid on YouTube. He's gunna go far.

Suffering Dysphoria... and shocked.

2011-09-26T12:15:00.000-05:00

So... yeah. I had a bad experience of real, true body dysphoria this weekend. A little bit Saturday night that transfered on over into Sunday. It's gone today but it kind of freaked me out to be honest.

I had a guy caress my boobs. Honestly, this was my first experience with this. And it was while I was presenting as fully feminine, after the wedding I was so excited for (and as such went about this as sort of revenge... my boy ignored me at the wedding and managed to break my heart once again but anyway)... it felt good. It really did. But there was more. I hated it. I hated him touching me there, because it's my least favorite part of my body. I preferred him touching my fat hairy stomach compared to my boobs, and I thought I'd cringe more at that. And it was scary. I knew I had some dysphoria, but I'd never had it hit like that.

So then on Sunday I looked at myself in the mirror. I felt fat, ugly, and overly manly. What? That last one there. How did that make any sense? I love being masculine. But I got really self conscious. I threw on a hoodie and baggy pants and wanted to hide away. I'm better today but... I don't know. I mean, it was dysphoria about having a female body and dysphoria about having male bodied aspects. Where is my line? Is my gender variance this random? I need to start getting more comfortable in my own skin... I can't keep hating my body like this.

Just one quick thing on bullying: Wear purple today to remember Jamey Rodemeyer. Strong kid, sad story. If you haven't heard about him, read my last blog post.

Now... how I'm combating my total body dysphoria. I mean, I'm sort of building my body up to be "manly." Which could cause problems... but I don't think it will. I think the fact that I'm still overweight and still annoyed about my body really played a role into the fact i was getting really panicky about my broad shoulders, saggy chest... yeah. Doing a Total Body Bootcamp twice a week has been helping it. I'm getting back into shape, slowly but surely. I can feel my body changing and after each workout I feel really good about myself. But there's also the "it's not enough" in the back of my head. I don't really know how I want my body to look, but I think my goal my whole life was to look built like Tia Texada in Third Watch... example:

I spent many a day in love with this chick. BTW I need to figure out WHERE THIS PICTURE IS FROM! It wasn't Third Watch and dayum... she was... well anyway. There was a reason I questioned my sexuality back when I was in about 7th grade. She is why.

But I want to get built. I know I'll never be that skinny but I want built arms like that. Make me feel good about myself.

I'm gunna go now... mostly so I don't start feeling dysphoric again.

Anniversary Giveaway... AGAIN!

2011-09-25T18:24:00.000-05:00

My girl over at Early to Bed in Chicago has yet another giveaway going on--anniversary giveaway number 4! Damn, this collection of stuff that's going is on my list of things to get. Here's the contest...
http://www.early2bed.com/2011/09/25/anniversary-giveaway-four/

But you want to know what they are giving away???

Mate, Mark & Spoon: A caramel colored Mark 02 dildo from Tantus, A caramel colored First Mate dildo from Goiodvibes and a Spoon mini vibe from Tantus.

Double Down: A Deuce harness from Spareparts (designed for male-bodied folks to use), a Cushdildo from Tantus and a ProTouch prostate vibe from Tantus

Rough Rider: An Echo dildo from Tantus, a large RodeoH Harness and a Hitachi Magic Wand from Vibratex

Joque: A Joque SpareParts harness, a Cush and an Adam dildo (in black) from Tantus as well as a copy of Speakeasy dvd from Good Vibes & a copy of Special Delivery dvd made by us!

Big Bag of Man Fun: Buddy butt plug from Vixen, 2″ silicone Cockring & silicone Stroker XLfrom Tantus, six Tenga Eggs from Liberator and a double Vibrating Cockring from Hustler toys

Thanks to our sponsors Vixen Creations, Liberator, Vibratex, Tantus, SpareParts,RodeoH , Hustler Hollywood and Good Vibrations for these amazing items!

Enter Enter ENTER! I know I did!!!! The Rough Rider, Joque, and Big Bag of Man fun are the ones I am really pushing for ;)

It Gets Better

2011-09-23T14:35:00.000-05:00

So, first. I have to post this. Jamey, a 14 year old boy, committed suicide because of bullying. He was an anti-bullying activist, and in May he posted this "It gets better" video. It's sad to see and made me want to cry, but it's such a reflection on the strength of the teen that we lost.

Just... as a side note... the news is calling him "gay" when we should respect him for who he was. He identifies as bisexual in this video. That will lead into a bit of discussion later in this post actually. So... just remember... Bullying hurts. It really does. If you are going to judge someone, keep it to yourself. Otherwise, be there for someone who might be facing bullying and hatred. Let them know that you are there, so that it really can get better.

So topics for this round: why I like my chosen pronouns, and the stigma behind bisexuality.

So chosen pronouns. I think that this is actually one of my toughest topics I'm going to take on, because it both confuses myself and others, as well as I don't totally have a real explanation just yet. But I figure I will also talk about this because I think it shows all the more how I am gender variant, instead of transsexual. I prefer female pronouns. She/Her/etc. They/other gender neutral ones don't bother me but I stick to the female pronouns. I think... I mean, I see myself as female-bodied, and I like to be recognized as such. I am a mainly masculine individual, but I don't see myself as a man. I more so see myself as me and me alone, and I look at gender in the almost two-spirit aspect of that I am a "Masculine Woman." (Native American culture portrays 4 genders, instead of 2.) Since I do accept my body as female, I feel that as such the pronouns should respect that part of me. I may dress like a man, act like a man, and quite honestly think like a man quite often, but I still like people to recognize that I do have a feminine side, and a female body as well.
Sorry. That was really confusing and I will probably talk about this more later... but hey. I have more to talk about today.

OH! by the way! I have chosen the term "gender variant" for myself. It is what is going to identify my gender from here on out, and I think I like it the best. I described it as seeming almost medical, sounding quite professional about the fact that I can flop genders, and it also makes it obvious that it is something that I am, not something that I pose as... but also emphasizes it does not equal my sexuality, because it definitely does not. My sexuality is separate from the fact that I'm... well... me. I don't know how else to explain that.

So... something that is near and dear to my heart. The stigmas of bisexuality and how they can make it hard for people to accept their sexuality. The stigma isn't so much there for women as much as it is for men, but it is. Bisexuals are often viewed as promiscuous or overly horny, and not that it's purely that they are just attracted to both sexes. But for men, even in the gay community it is viewed as a "just come out already" deal, which I think is completely unfair and can horribly hurt individuals who may identify one way, and lose out on true love because they cannot accept bisexuality for fear of the stigmas that come with it.
But here it is. Fuck stigmas. Seriously. I call myself heteroflexible now because, while I identify as straight, I'm not going to lie that I've occasionally thought sexually about a woman, and although I don't think I could fall in love with/marry a woman, I don't want to rule it out just in case that is how my life is supposed to be. Anyone who knows me knows that this talk about bisexual stigmas is coming from the aspect of wishing that someone could just accept their true identity, but I suppose I can't be too judgmental. Let's be fair. This whole blog is about me trying to accept myself as well. It's not easy. But bisexuality... honestly, I think that people who identify openly as bisexual are very brave, very honest, and should be recognized as such. They have gone past the stigmas and refused to "make the choice" that so many think they have to make.

Geez, this one is long. So I'm just going to end it with an informational video from one of my pals at FTMKickstart.
This is Jonathan. He is such a cool trans guy. This is a good lesson about talking to trans people.

Can you see the theater major in him? :) Traverse some of his videos if you need some gender humor!

Resources, Thinking... The usual

2011-09-18T23:26:00.000-05:00

So, I thought I would start out with a few of the resources I have been using for a while now. These help me out a lot, and even though some of them are focused on FtM individuals, they can also help gender variant people get to know themselves better.

http://www.youtube.com/user/FTMKickstart
This YouTube channel is called FTMKickstart. It is a bunch of trans guys talking about different trans-related issues. The guys are great, and I'm sure you can find at least one you can relate to. Even though I am not FtM, I have a few that I enjoy listening to: Jonathan, Jack, Spencer and Travis are my favorites, but all the guys are awesome. You will also note that their personal channels are listed on this page.

The book I have been reading, "Transgender Voices: Beyond Women and Men" by Lori B. Girshick, has been teaching me a lot about the gender spectrum and how all of us gender variant people both fit into and are discriminated from our society. I will be using this book's definitions for terms and labels actually.

Twitter has become a huge resource for me. Here are some Twitter handles of people/organizations I greatly enjoy:
@genderfork
@SheWired
@LegalizeTrans
@transandinfo
@EarlytoBed/@EarlytoRise
@TGguide
@jizlee
@FTMquarterly
@SexIsMagazine

There are other resources, such as Original Plumbing Magazines, Jiz Lee, Buck Angel, Wolf Hudson (Yes I'm listing queer pornstars but they all have great blogs about gender variance),podcasts on iTunes, and many, many more that I enjoy, as well as the most useful resources are talking to people who are under the trans umbrella.

So... on to the thinking. When I'm around the boy, I realize that I don't struggle with my gender. I don't worry if I need to present one way or another. I just am. I exist, I'm me, and it feels great. But it seems that only he can make me feel that comfortable. I think it's because I'm everything he needs, both masculine and feminine, and everything in between.

But... is struggling to understand my gender a completely bad thing? I mean, when I struggle, I learn. And then I start to get answers about myself, as well as about how society as a whole is beginning to understand gender differences. It is much more socially acceptable for a masculine woman to be present than a feminine man, which I think is a terrible thing. However, it's also socially acceptable to assume a masculine woman is probably a lesbian, which more often than not is a ridiculous assumption.

I mean, I'm currently excited that my chest is tightening up thanks to my workouts, and my boobs are looking more perky. My chest is shrinking, but it's also more obvious because my boobs are... well... perky! I'm glad about both! My boobs are tinier, which makes me happy, and they don't seem as fatty. I haven't had any problems with them since they started perking up. I think the smaller size but more attractive... well... feel... make me like them better.

However, I've started running into the "bathroom stares." Because of the assumption I'm a lesbian, I think there are several girls who feel uncomfortable with me in the female bathroom. Although, I think a lot of it is just that I am more aware. But... the nice thing is, our school has made a huge push for "gender neutral/family bathrooms" and it sounds like I might be able to help educate people about these bathrooms. Pretty much they are for anyone who doesn't want to use the "combined" bathroom setting, and I think I will be starting to use them more. Plus, they are huge and roomy, and no one has to listen to you pee.

Okay, so... it's getting late, and I have to work at 8am. Plus, my week seems like it's going to be fucking redic with projects, homework, meetings, events, etc. at school... but all the more reason for me to end up writing here. I will try to address my whole list of topics fairly soon!

Outed.

2011-09-18T00:26:00.000-05:00

To the person who did this, I'm really sorry I'm making a blog post about it, but I have to. It's the only way I'm going to be able to work past it, and maybe it will also be a good lesson to my readers, both gender benders/trans/gender variant and cisgendered individuals alike. Again, I'm so sorry I have to write this post.

It's not totally hidden who the author of this blog is, if you are a friend of mine and know where to look. But I think most of the readers either don't know who I actually am, or perhaps haven't put two and two together yet. Point being. I hid my name on this blog for a reason-I like to be anonymous. I'm not totally out as a gender bender individual. To most people I'm just a tom boy, or perhaps there's some questioning about the way I dress or act, but no one really knows that I'm nothing compared to the gender binary. I broke that binary a long time ago. So this blog is where I can anonymously out myself, come to terms with things, and gain discussions and help for the gender variant aspects of my life.

But that all kind of changed for me today. I'm actually worried about writing this, about writing in this blog again. This was my first experience with being outed. I never even thought I would have to face this, or that it would affect me. And it was all innocent but it hurt a lot and it scared me, because I've been struggling a ton with this as it is. My blog was referred to someone by one of my very close friends, and one of the only five people that I have discussed and clearly stated I'm a gender bender to. However, somehow in this referral, it was told my true identity, that the name behind this blog is who writes it. This is all fine and dandy, and I hope this blog can be a new home or advice for the person that was told but... why was I outed?

What was it to this person who is doing the writing?
Couldn't it just be a gender variant individual who is writing to get things off their chest?
I feel like such a feminine. I'm crying over this.

But... I think it's a good time to write about what to do if you A.) are a friend of someone who falls under the trans umbrella term or B.) are a person who falls under the trans umbrella

If you are a friend of someone who has a transgender label, no matter if it's transsexual, genderqueer, androgynous, gender bender... whatever... unless that person specifically says, I am alright with you telling people my true gender, you shouldn't ever out them. I know in my case I have a hard enough time being out to myself that I am gender bending.

If you are someone who is transgender, make it clear to people you are close to that you do not want to be outed, if that is the case. If something is said, make sure to inform the person that that is private information and doesn't need to be spread around. It should be up to you as an individual who gets to know about your identity. Plus, when it's not the person "outing" themselves, the whole story might not get told and when it comes to gender, it can really be confusing!

I'll be posting tomorrow to continue my topic of the conversation with Liz and things that were learned, but for now... just let this be a mild lesson to all.

Again, to the new person who is reading this blog, I'm here for you if you need it, but I wish you could have heard from me, not someone else, what my gender is.

Here goes nothing...

2011-09-16T13:36:00.000-05:00

I don't know why it's so hard for me to talk about my meeting with Liz on Wednesday. I haven't been able to say a whole lot to anyone about it. But I really should-I learned a lot, especially on the topics of gender and also bisexuality, and it would be an awesome for people to know what I learned, and what I will continue to be learning. So I guess I can start this out as a narrative.

I wrapped up class, and worked on a little bit of homework before I headed over to the LGBTQ resource center. On my way in, I felt a little awkward because I ran into one of my lesbian acquaintances, who I think is under the impression that I'm not a gender bender but a butch. (Ah, terms. Something that we will talk about in a bit). Liz was running late after class, because she's a teacher, so the nice man behind the desk ushered me into her room, where I wandered while I was waiting. She had a huge library of fiction and non-fiction queer literature (there's another term) as well as several movies and documentaries, also on queer topics. We all know I have a slight discomfort when it comes to the LGBT society, so while I was becoming quietly interested in a lot of the books I couldn't help but start worrying that she wouldn't understand why I was there.

Well finally she shows up, and of course a friend of mine is with her. At which point he starts asking me if I'm volunteering at the center. "No no, I'm meeting with Liz," I reply, and get the curious look. He's not judgmental, but I could see the "trying to figure this out" look. Oh great, I think to myself, now two people think I'm a lesbian. So Liz and I sit down, and right away she hands me a book, "Transgender Voices." (Working on reading that right now actually) and tells me that she loves that book and I'm one of few people she will lend it out to, because she thinks it will help.

I might have to address this in sections. But anyway, let's start here. The terms "Transgendered" and "Transsexual" are NOT not NOT synonyms. Transsexual is individuals who want to change their physical sex to the reverse end of the spectrum, such as female genitalia to male genitalia, top surgery, etc. Transgendered individuals may go through this process as well, but this term is an umbrella term for people who do not fit the "gender binary." This is that they identify as trans, agendered, bigendered, genderqueer, genderfuck, gender bender, etc. It is a term for pretty much every gender identity outside of "MALE. FEMALE." The fact that many people use Transsexual and Transgender interchangeably is why many people (Myself Included) shy away from Transgender, because it is often confusing.

So we started to talk about where I fit in on that scale of gender. This sparked an interesting discussion in which mentally, I find myself as both genders, but leaning towards masculine most of the time, but I do have a strong feminine side. How I dress is how I express my masculine side, which is where she noted herself that I am probably often confused as a butch, or a masculine lesbian. Which, I made sure to emphasize, when it comes to sexuality, I identify as heteroflexible. She completely understood this, and wanted to assure me (as well as everyone around me) that GENDER and SEXUAL IDENTITY are NOT THE SAME. EVER. Not to mention, as I'm reading in the book, sexuality may be fluid based on gender, or may be completely stiff in with transitioning transsexuals. It should never be assumed that someone who dresses or acts one way is a certain sexuality-these are GENDER expressions.

We chuckled a bit about how often I am asked if I am a lesbian. By the way, this brings up its own topic. If you really want to know someone's sexuality, either don't ask at all or just ask flat out. Don't pull a, "I don't mean to offend you," or anything like that. It's more offensive that you think asking me if I'm a lesbian IS an offensive question, than the question itself. If I want to tell you I'm straight, I will, so just bloody well ask. But go back to the fact that that gender expression is not equivalent to sexuality.

So... I'm gunna stop for a bit, because I think this is getting long... but here are the topics I will talk about next time(s) that were addressed:
-Terms such as genderqueer, gender bender, and genderfuck
-Why I get so insulted when someone calls me "Sir" or "He"
-How bisexuality shouldn't be so shunned in society
-Topics that I am reading in my book

Other upcoming topics include:
-A review of the Plug of Lust Small
-My favorite "gender" channel on YouTube
-A message against bullying because of gender expression
-Discussion of Total Body Bootcamp and how it helps me feel better about my body
And much, much more!

How do I even begin?

2011-09-15T00:31:00.000-05:00

I'm in a turmoil mentally right now. I really am. Granted, it's getting to the time of the year I've been dreading...you know. The anniversary shit. At this point last year I couldn't even function like a human being and within a week I would have been heading home to be with my mom for the final days of her life. But what does all this even mean? Is this even why everything is affecting me more?

I've been over 3 weeks halved on my Lexapro and it feels amazing, yet I'm wondering if it was the right move. I definitely want to get off the meds at some point completely, but... while I've been panic attack free I can just sense it's going to happen.

But even then. There's still more. The whole origin of this blog... and if you are a constant reader you will know that I met with someone today to discuss the concepts of trans-identity and the term genderqueer, and it ended up to be a very large discovery. A discovery of myself. A discovery of individuals around me... a discovery of the boy. Things he may not have even realized about himself yet. Things I don't think I was ready to realize about myself yet. And that's the problem. I don't even know where to start writing about what was discussed. I really need time to formulate this in my mind.

So for now, I will do a quick review of my newest "toy" of which I can't get over its amazingness, just so that it can tie all you readers over until I can get my words straight about what we talked about today.

Alhough, realistically, this isn't a toy. Its a matter of gender expression, so it fits in with the topic.
http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toys-for-gender-play/packing-straps/spareparts-pete-commando-packer

So, this harness... my old one has nothing on this harness. This is the SpareParts Commando harness, and there are so many reasons I love it. I didn't have to adjust my packer once the entire time I was wearing it. There is an extra strap inside of it that holds the balls inside the harness, and you can rock out with your cock out. I liked this concept because it was more like a harness than underwear, and allowed the cock to feel like a part of me... a part of me that wouldn't fall off. I wore underwear underneath the harness, which actually felt really good and I won't need to wash the harness as often if I keep that up, but this will also work well with boxers, which have become a fashion statement for me ;)
This harness cost $29.95 and is the cheapest of the Pete line, as found on EdenFantasys online. I've only used it once, but I only got it yesterday, and I am so in love with it. I can express my gender without worrying my floppy cock will fall out of my pants! I'm still using my packer from Early2Bed, and it's good enough for me :) Although, www.early2bed.com has the Sailor packer on sale right now, and that is a very tempting purchase.

Now... I'm still looking for a good binder. But that purchase will wait a while. Anyway... check back soon for once I can get my words straight about my conversation today!
..... Also.... a review on the Plug of Lust small will be on its way. ;) hint... i was disappointed.

Asking for Resources

2011-09-09T13:30:00.000-05:00

So I've now developed an interest in the term "genderqueer." It's a very broad, not very commonly used term that seems so much less threatening than other labels I have faced. Is it because I accept this label? I'm not sure if I'm totally at that point yet, but I also didn't throw it to the wayside either. So I took the opportunity today while I was at work to send the campus's LGBTQ center an email asking them if they do any work with genderqueer individuals because I would like to learn more. Perhaps they will have some resources on the issue to help me to learn more about it.

Which, by the way, I found out that I can write in this blog, but no longer view it at work. THAT is just plain stupid. While I have this marked as adult content, I shouldn't have to be afraid of the filter catching it. Everything in this blog is on the up and up and educational. I have it marked as adult purely for the controversial nature (and occasional sex toy review).

But anyway... how does one embrace anything without knowledge? I've been following Jiz Lee for some time, one of the famous genderqueer adult performers, and she has had some great things to say, especially about the uses of pronouns. In this day and age I think it is important to realize that many people do not wish to conform to the "normal" and want to be who they were born as. I'm not saying the norm is bad... but I'm also saying I don't fit into it either. I hate labels, but this is at least one that I am curious about.

Does anyone out there know of any good genderqueer resources? Books, websites, etc.? I would love to do a post about it once I get information on the topic and at least discuss the definition... maybe come to terms with the fact that this could be a term for me. So leave me a comment if you have any resources or even know any genderqueer individuals that would be willing to strike up a conversation.

Bringing it into the open

2011-09-07T09:51:00.000-05:00

I called a good friend of mine yesterday and we had some fun and deep discussions. He is the first trans person that I really have gotten to know, and damn does he have a lot to say. I learned a lot from him about the trans community, and he has helped me to discover myself as well. But yesterday he brought something into the open that I have pondered quietly to myself, but haven't yet totally come to terms with. He asked me if I was genderqueer. I wasn't totally sure what to say, because deep down I know he is right, but you know me with labels... as well as I prefer terms such as multi-gendered, or perhaps gender bender. I mean, other than my clothes, I like to look like a female for the most part. I have long hair, I keep my legs and pits shaved, but of course when my closet consists of men's clothing, I don't wear makeup, and I've been told I "walk like a man," I'm not sure what to think.

It's not that I have a problem with genderqueer individuals. In fact, I totally embrace them and love them because they have totally freed themselves from the binds of society. But I don't know if I am... or perhaps if it's just that I'm not fully "out" to myself yet that I can't be just a female and be happy about it.

OMG CONTEST! (Great for us gender benders, too!)

2011-09-04T17:56:00.001-05:00

Hey all you readers out there! Want a RodeoH harness, a dildo to go with it, and other sexy stuff? My girl over at Early To Bed is holding a 10th anniversary raffle, and it's important to enter this one! The products are AWESOME and the contest only runs until Friday (Sept 9th!) So get your butt entering this competition and start flaunting your stuff!

Enter Here: Click here. Right here. You know you want to.

Adventures in Binding

2011-09-01T18:50:00.000-05:00

I've debated binding lately. While I don't "hate" my boobs I don't always like them. I've gained a lot of weight being on anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications (25+ lbs) and my boobs just seem to sag a hell of a lot more with the additional weight, probably also because I've lost a lot of muscle mass since my high school years (don't worry, I'm going to be getting that back starting in exactly a week, nearly to the minute, when my boot camp starts).

However, all of this uncomfortable-ness relating to my breasts leads me to want to bind every once and a while. So, what I did was I bought myself a sexy men's compression tank and have been wearing it on occasion. I got it from UnderArmour and it can also double as a shirt if I really want it to, which is nice.

http://www.underarmour.com/shop/us/en/mens/apparel/tops/pid1217474-Men-s-UA-Combine-8482-Bolt-Compression-Sleeveless-T/1217474-001
This is the Bolt Compression Sleeveless. It comes in red, white, black, and blue, but I chose the black. It cost $34.99 and new customers get free shipping.

Now granted, this doesn't really make it appear that I don't have boobs. They are still there. But I bought it to fit my actual chest size (so a medium) based on my cup size (38C). It holds my boobs in place and pushes them down, but the sensation of "binding" is what really helps. My boobs stay put, don't bounce around, and don't bother me as much because I don't need to feel them. I need to wear a sports bra underneath to prevent from nipping out, but that's not a huge deal to me. However, issues you may feel with binding still exist. I can't wear this longer than about 6-8 hours without feeling like I can't breathe. This may partially be because I am overweight right now, but it's also because it is built for a man's build, and unfortunately, with boobs, I have a woman's. Right now I actually feel like I've been squeezed fairly tightly all day and had to take it off a bit ago, because I wore it for about 10 hours.

Some safety tips for binding, in general. Never use ace bandages or duct tape. It can cause the muscles in your chest to lose strength, but this isn't even the only issue. You may hate your breasts, but this can cause lung damage, broken ribs, etc. if you are binding too tightly. Also, buy a binder in your size, and never wear more than one. Never bind for more than 8 hours at a time, in order to give your lungs and ribs a rest. Health needs to come first, even if you are feeling dysphoric about your body.

While I'm not binding for the traditional FTM purposes, as I am coming from a gender-bender view not a transgender view, I feel that for anyone that wants to shrink their boob size or hide their boobs or bind for a variety of reasons needs to know the safety factors that come from binding. You are holding back flesh by using tension, which can harm your body if not done carefully.

I'm still considering buying a real binder, and can't quite decide on one yet. I think first I will focus on getting a more comfortable harness for my packer (Commando by SpareParts is what I am looking at) before I continue on to binders.

That's all for now, folks!

It's been too long!

2011-08-31T18:07:00.000-05:00

Hey guys, it's definitely been quite a while, hasn't it? Sorry I haven't been on to post lately but it's been quite the past week or so. It was time to start getting ready for school, as well as go through some emotional turmoils.

I lost my mom last year, and around this time I was moving into college knowing she was going to be dying of cancer. The year before I had to move into my first year of college on the day my mom had her cancer surgery. So when I had to pack up for this year (just moved in last night), I broke down crying... bawling in fact... realizing that my life is definitely not the same as it was even just one year ago. Moving forward from that has been difficult and it became quite obvious 2 nights ago that the pain never fully goes away.

As for gender struggles, I... have been having quite a few of those too. I started packing again, after giving it up for extremely stupid reasons. I started arguing with myself that I didn't need the packer, that I didn't want the packer, that the packer was wrong... stupid things that hurt me more than helped by any means. My moods were flying about, I was hating my body, and finally... I threw on the packer and felt SO much better knowing that I can, in fact, wear it when I want to. I don't need it all the time. It's been a few days since I wore it, but I'm thinking that I will be needing it soon. Right before my period seems to be when I need it the most for some reason. During the period I'm not as disturbed, because I do want to have children someday so I don't "mind" that per say, but I think the PMSing drives me insane.

So... here's a fun one. Embarrassing story! Last night, my dad was helping me move into my dorm room, and I have a toolbox that I keep locked which contains my sex toys. I know he's often wondered what's in it, but he wouldn't ever ask. Still hasn't... however... right as I was putting it up onto a shelf, one of my vibrators decided to turn on and stay on. I was nearly crying as I convinced him to go away while I unlocked it and turned it off. He didn't ask, but I definitely think he figured out what it was. Talk about, "Have fun at school honey!" At least he didn't look into the box...

It's been quite the long couple of days. By the way... I have a review coming up. I'm once again disappointed by a toy...

Fashion. Thank You Jersey Shore!

2011-08-17T11:25:00.000-05:00

Well, okay, the only thing that I can say thank you to Jersey Shore for is the fact that Abercrombie is paying them off to stop wearing their name brand. So I decided that today would be a great day to write my fashion issue. I may be a tom boy, and wear boys' clothing, but I absolutely LOVE mens' fashion. So I figured I'd showcase some of the clothes that I really want, and give you some clues into the type of fashion I am into. To say the least, it is eclectic.

First, the designer section. These are images (and links to the pages) of the Armani Exchange clothing that I would love to buy (but generally cannot afford.)

http://www.armaniexchange.com/product/pigment+spray+hoody%3Cbr%3Eonline+exclusive.do?sortby=&page=2

I like bold colors, and this is certainly a bold color. It's also very soft looking, and for crying out loud my main priority in clothing is comfort.

http://www.armaniexchange.com/product/plaited+stitch+hoody.do?sortby=

This is a fairly simple hoodie, with some striping to add character. Good for any casual occasion.

http://www.armaniexchange.com/product/ink+spill+t-shirt+.do?sortby=

I'm vampiric. I love things that look like blood drips, even if it is called "Ink Spill."

http://www.armaniexchange.com/product/eagle+head+tee.do?sortby=

I always love the shirts that have a unique design that will make people look at them and wonder what it is. Draws attention subtly. I may not like people, but I love wearing clothes that I know people are looking at.

http://www.armaniexchange.com/product/j66+-+zipper+straight+cut+jean.do?sortby=

Nice little cargo pocket on the left leg, with a classy wear and straight cut, making the jeans bunch up nicely on top of skate shoes.

http://www.armaniexchange.com/product/nylon+utility+vest.do?sortby=

I think I'd more buy this for winter, not fall, but hey. It's a neat vest. Goes over pretty much anything.

http://www.armaniexchange.com/product/a%7Cxx+20th+curve+seam+jean.do?sortby=

I LOVE sandblasted jeans, and these are the A|XX style for their 20th anniversary line of clothes.

http://www.armaniexchange.com/product/multi+charm+necklace.do?sortby=

Jewelry and accessories make an outfit. I can never go out without bracelets, belts, and necklaces involved.

I love A|X style. It's very sleek, and relaxed, for designer clothing. I do own a few things from A|X and I wear them to the point that they rip through. It's sort of the designer line for the "I can spend a little more but not thousands of dollars on a pair of jeans" sort of people.

Next, we move to the surfer/skater culture section. This tends to be more of what I wear on a daily basis. The hoodies, baggy jeans, skate shoes, cargo shorts, etc. These are also a little more affordable, with fashions from PacSun.

http://shop.pacsun.com/Mens/hoodies/Mayday-Zip-Fleece-Hoodie/index.pro

I love hoodies. They are comfy, stylish, and can be worn by any gender. Hint hint, my people out there. If you don't know what to wear, wear a hoodie!

http://shop.pacsun.com/Mens/jeans/Hammonds-Loose-Down-Dirty-New-Jeans/index.pro

A Slightly baggier look to jeans, made for comfort as well as style.

http://shop.pacsun.com/Mens/boardshorts/WTF-Boardshort/index.pro

Every kid out there needs a good pair of stylish board shorts. I happen to have about 7 at this point.

http://shop.pacsun.com/Mens/sneakers/Graffik-Court-Sneaker/index.pro

Shoes. I don't have a lot, but they are a key part to my style. I find one nice pair of shoes that go with all my style choices and wear them daily until they die.

http://shop.pacsun.com/Mens/sneakers/Block-Pure-Sneaker/index.pro

Another look at some cool shoes. I currently bought myself a pair of Heelys, however ;)

http://shop.pacsun.com/Mens/tees/Best-Sellers-Tee/index.pro

http://shop.pacsun.com/Mens/tees/Defcon-Premium-Tee/index.pro

T-Shirts are a huge part of my fashion. You can wear them for pretty much any occasion, and there are billions of different styles, so you probably won't run into someone wearing the same thing. I either like wild designs, or simple pictures.

http://shop.pacsun.com/Mens/shorts/Slambozo-New-Cargo-Short/index.pro

Cargo Shorts. My personal necessity. These types of shorts are what I wear all summer long, in several colors and patterns. They carry everything I need and work wonders for working at events and such.

I like PacSun because they carry most of the styles that I wear. However, I tend to head to the sale rack regardless what store I am in, because buying name brands does get expensive. I do believe, though, that having favorite brands and wearing them can help you love your own style.

Finally, I think I will just overview some American Eagle clothing, because I also like this store... I also like their women's panties. A lot.... That is one of my few "girly" tendencies. But I will showcase outerwear, not underwear. :)

http://www.ae.com/web/browse/product.jsp?productId=2152_8402_400&catId=cat40005&bundleCatId=cat4870070

http://www.ae.com/web/browse/product.jsp?productId=2153_8424_300&catId=cat40005

Plaid button-up shirts look great over t-shirts when worn open. This has become a new part of my style, and is a sort of cross between preppy and skater.

http://www.ae.com/web/browse/product.jsp?productId=0132_5540_874&catId=cat380147

Another type of cargo shorts that I like, quite a bit.

http://www.ae.com/web/browse/product.jsp?productId=0195_9582_073&catId=cat90020

Zip up hoodies can be a wonderful choice. Both because they are hoodies, and you can wear them half zipped to showcase if you are wearing a cool t-shirt.

So, fashion tips from Natalie.

Always buy clothes you know you will feel comfortable and proud in. Don't let people pressure you into buying/wearing clothes you don't like. Confidence comes from inside yourself, and what you wear on the outside can affect confidence. If you love what you are wearing, you will feel more confident that day.
Always check sales racks first, even if you are loaded with dough. You can buy more that way, and sometimes the old styles that are being pushed out are better than the new ones. I find that is the case quite often, actually.
Pick some brands that you like the styles of. This can help when you need to buy new clothes but don't know what to get.
Accessorize! Whether you are masculine or feminine, there are accessories available! Watches, belts, bracelets, and necklaces are some of the more popular choices of mine, but you can also accessorize with sunglasses, socks, bags, or headphones! It's all about creating a style that describes you!
Like I just said, CREATE A STYLE THAT DESCRIBES YOU. If you're an eclectic person, wear several styles. If you like the prep clothing, wear that. If you want to look emo or goth, go for it! Just make it comfortable and YOU.

Aw man, this post made me want to go shopping. Anyone else care to join me? Other stores I shop in are Aeropostale, Hot Topic, Wal-Mart, Goodwill, Macy's, and even eBay and Amazon. Sometimes Goodwill can be the best place to create a unique style, or places like Wal-Mart allow you to search many values. eBay and Amazon are good places to look if you have a favorite brand that you want to find cheaper. I should have showcased some things from Hot Topic, but perhaps that is for a different day. HT is actually one of my most favorite stores.

Anyway, go create your style today!

Homework to my Readers

2011-08-14T19:06:00.000-05:00

There's something to be said about opening yourself to a new culture. Over the past month, I have been using my free trial of Netflix streaming (which I will be keeping) to watch entertaining TV shows, relive my childhood... and push past boundaries that I subconsciously had in place within my mind to learn more about others, which in turn has caused me to learn a lot about myself, too.

It's part of the reason I've become such an advocate for the Transgender community. I've learned what people go through when they are trapped within their own assigned body. I learned a little bit more about my own feelings, sparking this blog and making me realize that gender can be fluid, and while I am not trans, I am not totally female nor totally male. I am me, and honestly I don't think I can consider myself one gender or the other comfortably, at least all the time. This really started after watching Boys Don't Cry, but also from www.tgguide.com, www.originalplumbing.com, some trans friends of mine, and now watching Gender Rebels. We are all unique, even in gender. Gender can only be defined by a person living it themselves.

Today I watched a documentary called Modify. While I cringed a bit at the bloodiness and pain of some of the modifications people go through (splitting their penis, putting horn implants in, and even a piercing I considered that I don't think I can handle anymore [snake bites in my back dimples]), it is a lifestyle. It is something people live to be. And I think I found a new respect listening to their stories about why they choose to modify.

When watching Taboo on National Geographic, it also becomes very interesting to see that some of the practices of the US are just as Taboo to others as other cultures are to us. The way we put our elderly in nursing homes is despicable to many, many cultures (And me now...). But if you are going to watch Taboo, please do me a favor. Do NOT judge other cultures for their practices. To them, they are sacred and important. To us, we haven't seen it, but how can we say what is right in another's culture?

So my point of this blog post... is to give you homework. My blog is about opening up to the world. Even about myself opening up to the world. Your homework, as my readers, is to find something to learn about in a culture or lifestyle that you may not understand, and try to understand what they are doing and WHY. There is usually a good reason. Vampire subculture, body modification, transgender community, Native American practices, Law Enforcement, Gang lifestyles, drag culture, club scene culture/raves, Eastern practices, VooDoo practices, Paganism, Christianity (Yep, including it for the non-christians out there), Buddhism, Celtic traditions... Find SOMETHING that looks interesting or confusing and learn about it! Want ideas??? Want links??? Contact me!!!

Waiting For a Heart Like Stone

2011-08-11T13:19:00.000-05:00

Did I just quote two Greyson Chance songs? A 13 year old boy with an amazing voice?

Yes. Yes I did. And I'm not ashamed of it. Because these songs (Waiting Outside the Lines and Heart Like Stone) describe some of the reasons I have problems with being so much in love but not being able to go any farther than where I am without him making a move, too.

So... this really doesn't have a whole lot to do with gender, but it does have to do with nonconforming, nontraditional relationships. Whether it be one with a big age difference, one with an unusual attraction based on natural orientation, one where it seems like two people belong together but just don't know how... I just had major deja vu. Anyway...

Relationships are meant to be, but sometimes they don't work because one or both parties are unable to allow themselves enough breathing room to accept that their lives may not be totally controllable, nor that they may have to accept that the labels in their lives aren't all that need to exist.

Yeah... I'm feeling a little set off because a 13 year old can explain to my man better than I can how I feel about him. Only problem is getting my man to listen to these songs.

Oh. One other song that describes him more than anything...

What's my point... what's my point... I love him. With all my heart. And if he gave me the chance, I could give him everything he would ever need. I'd be someone he could hold onto when everything goes wrong. Someone to keep him safe all through the night. The protector and the fighter. I'm not perfect by any means, and I would need him to stand by my side as well, because let's face it. This blog shows that I struggle with my own identity, orientation, and what I really want in my life... But I do know one thing. I would never break his heart. I would never leave his side. I'd be there forever.

So... the one question of course is how we would work out the sex considering... he may not like what I have to offer. I know I know, this isn't how "gay" works, but I... am a domme. As well as a natural "top" by definition. Not being in control is not something I'm into. But... I also have dangerous fantasies. I mean, I am part of the BDSM community after all, but I also enjoy strap-on play, and as we already know I like packing a cock. I don't mind playing with that cock either. I'd love to emasculate a man by shoving my thick, hard strap-on deep into his rectum. Too much? Well, that's why this is a site that gives you a warning in the first place. But it's true. I have this need to top a man, and not just with my boobs waggling in my face. I want to ride him hard with my own cock while I wank his.

But here's the other thing. While I obviously love sex toys and the concept of intercourse... it's not something I feel I "need." If him and I got together, I would be willing to wait as long as we have to for the comfort level needed for that. Cuddling is my one TRUE fantasy. Him holding me in his arms. Me having someplace to feel save in them.

There's a reason people believe in soul mates. They do exist. It's whether or not you can find yours, and ultimately create a lasting relationship with them. I found mine... I'm still working on that relationship part. However, it's like Greyson says... I'm waiting outside the lines now. He has to take the step over that borderline to me and join me in what could be a lifetime of happiness.

This really has nothing to do with gender, but I suppose it does show something... no matter the gender identity, sexual identity, relationship status, age, experience, or location of a person... we all experience heartbreak in our lives, especially when it pertains to our one true love.

Weekend of Hiding

2011-08-08T21:02:00.000-05:00

I went out of state this past weekend with my dad, as you may have heard. It went exceptionally well, considering this was, as my dad put it, "The All American Family," and was definitely some individuals who probably wouldn't accept someone who is pagan, multi-gendered, and all in all a little different in general.

This weekend was a reminder that no matter what, sometimes we have to fit in with those around us, even if it is by putting on a facade. There are many people who do not understand differences, and it's not always a good idea to just flaunt them in every situation. While I may have been hiding a few aspects myself, and "playing along" in others, I did still have fun and even sometimes forgot that I had to be someone else on the outside. On the inside, I'm still me, no matter what I have to present on the outside.

Some days, I want to dress up like a total emo or goth, but I can't wear those types of clothing to work. I can't get tattoos or piercings because I work in the business world, and those appear "unprofessional." And in society, I can't always brag that I'm a Christian Pagan, or that I even have this blog. I hide my name on here purely for that reason. I can't always let people know who I am, because it could ruin a reputation. However, it doesn't change that I'm that person. Only people who really need to know what's going on inside of me are the ones that need to hear it said out loud. I can be the fine upstanding Christian kid who gets the straight A's in college, and appear as if I am not even familiar with Vampire communities, polygamous relationships, trans-identified individuals and the crises that come along with not being able to be oneself...

But point being, I'm ALWAYS true to myself, inside. On the outside it may not seem as such, and the things I talk about on this blog would not be obvious other than that I dress like a tom boy regularly and run away from the dress and bra sections like the plague, but I'm still me. And that is what this blog is for.

I'm not saying you HAVE to hide from yourself. By all means, feel free to be who you are in whatever way YOU are comfortable. For me, I'm not comfortable having everyone know the deepest aspects of my life, but for others, it is part of who they are. Be completely what you NEED to be to be comfortable in your own skin.

Props to Google+

2011-08-04T08:37:00.001-05:00

Today's article is going to probably cover more than Google+, but hey, it's my blog, and I do what I want.

But I did want to point out that Google+ has offered something for gender that other social media websites have not yet breached. My coworker today reminded me of this when he was whining that it was stupid and I automatically stood up for it. When you choose your gender on Google+, there is not two options, but three. "Female, Male, Other." I absolutely fell in love with this and picked other immediately, because it was the one place I can express my gender like that.

It's revolutionary! Google+ has of course been known for their support of the LGBT community with their "It Gets Better" PSA's on TV, but it was still surprising that they would allow this to be an option, considering Facebook, Twitter, and everywhere else doesn't make it possible.

My coworker exclaimed today, "What is other?" The Lead technician and I alternated listing off "Transgendered, intersex, crossdresser, androgynous, hermaphrodite...." To the point the coworker went, "Alright, alright!" (As you can tell, I'm actually very private about the fact that I'm mentally androgynous and feel multi-gendered)

Although... other than that... I have yet to find a real purpose for Google+. Just saying.

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So a little bit about what my weekend is going to consist of. I'm going out of state to meet my dad's girlfriend. Or potential girlfriend. Person he met on some Catholic dating site. I'm excited to travel but I really hate the concept of the situation. It's going to be awkward as hell, and while I've considered bringing my packer just for some additional support per say, I'm scared to death to bring it through the airport. My dad knows that it exists, but he doesn't like the concept of it. And how awkward would it be to have to yank it out in the middle of a security check?

I know sex toys and novelties have been TSA approved, but from what I hear they still harass people if they carry on vibrators that may seem just a little too large or threatening, or transgender males who are wearing their packing cocks forcing them to take them out, even if they don't contain any metal or such.

What am I going to do? Hide a gun up my cock? Well, that would be sorely uncomfortable and super heavy.

Still, not the biggest of my worries. I miss my mom, and that's the end of it. This is going to be a difficult trip because of that. All it's going to do is remind me that she isn't physically around anymore. Damn... it'll be a struggle.

Struggles in Ethics

2011-08-03T09:00:00.002-05:00

As most of you may have already guessed, I have a fairly eclectic religious background. I was raised Catholic, sent to a Reformed Christian high school, have dabbled in many flavors of Paganism, and believe firmly in the fact that no one knows the "right" religion so we can't condemn anyone for having different beliefs, because innately all beliefs derive from the same basic concepts.

For Further information on THAT, buy Michelle Belanger's book "Chasing Infinity."

Anyway, this big mix of religion makes me struggle with my views on gender and sexuality occasionally. This has been one of those weeks, because I exposed myself to something that made me surprisingly uncomfortable. I watched a movie called "Shank" about a gay gang member who fell for a prissy boy and was attacked by the gang for this. I really had a hard time agreeing with everything that went on. I felt horrible for the gang member and his boyfriend, but I also could sympathize with the gang member when he tried to deny he was gay, and convince himself of it.

All this wariness comes from a deep set ethical list of "Gay is wrong" combined with the pagan views of "free loving" and my own personal views of "attracted to the attractive" and pansexual identities. What is sin? Where is the line? Is it a choice, or are we in fact born this way?

When it comes to gender, however, I have become very firmly seated in my views on this. I don't think in any way it is a sin to be transgendered, androgynous, multi-gendered, etc. This is something that is definitely found in DNA and genetics as to that people have fluid gender identities based on genetics, and that it varies based on culture, upbringing, and personal experience.

But what about sexuality? I'm not arguing whether or not you're "born this way." I don't know, and neither do you to be honest. It could be a subconscious choice, or it could be genetic. But is it sinful? The Bible is pretty clear, but that is really only in Christianity that you see "gay" being equivalent to "Sin." Things like this often run through my mind when I start becoming more progressive in my views about sexuality, and there's also a slight fear of hell in the back of my mind even though I've started to question the existence of this realm. Can people really be condemned for following something that in their hearts they feel is love?

Where am I going with this? Not really anywhere in particular. It's just my own pondering on sexuality and sin. But feel free to jump in. Remember, though, I'm not trying to step on toes, I'm not calling sexualities sinful or wrong. Trust me, I'm definitely not. You all know I have my own interesting views on sexuality. But I do often worry about my Christo-Paganism being an overly conflicting religion for myself, but also enjoy it thoroughly because it allows me to make my own decisions about my beliefs, instead of listening to one specific dogma or another.

EDIT: Religion is relative. There's my answer. There's what I've discovered. Also, I've discovered that discussing religion is a STUPID idea.