Andrea's Blog

How to talk to your children about divorce

2013-05-19T23:16:00.000+01:00

Can you imagine being a child in the middle of a divorce. It is a confusing and upsetting time for all concerned and as caring parents the more you can do to help your kids through this difficult time the better.

No two people go into marriage with the expectation that it won't last and of course where children are concerned this is doubly upsetting. Even if you were the one that chose to divorce it is still a difficult decision to make. When a marriage breaks down its all too easy to apportion blame. In reality with two of you in the relationship there has to be responsibility on both sides for making or breaking the relationship.

Here are 10 tips on how to talk to your children about the divorce:

1. Do not talk about divorce until you are both sure that is what you want and that is what is happening. If possible seek marriage counselling and do everything you can to resolve the situation. Many relationships can get back on track with the right help and commitment. If conflict is happening at home try to keep this away from your children. Explain that you are having a few problems but reassure them as much as possible.

2. If things cannot be resolved and when the time is right speak to the children together about the divorce and what that will mean. Do not apportion blame for the divorce or even let your children hear that you blame. Instead try and let your child know that this is a difficult decision that you have both taken.

3. Stick to boundaries and rules that are already in place and do not bend them or make exceptions because you feel guilty. The rules and boundaries are your child's security and needed more than ever at this difficult time. Try to keep to a routine as much as possible with both parents taking interest in school work and hobbies.

4. Do not play one against the other. Good guy bad guy. All too often parents that are in conflict will not back each other up on important issues. Try to stand firm as parents still.

5. Do not turn your child against your partner by making comments, slights or faces of disapproval/anger. As much as you may feel against your partner this is still your child's father or mother. By doing this you are confusing your child and putting them in the middle of you both in a very negative way. If you are very hurt by your partner this will be a difficult one for you but in your child's best interest they need to hold respect for you both.

6. As upset as you might feel at times do not discuss your problems with your child. Let them have their childhood. If you need someone to talk to find a good friend or family member. Don't be alone with your feelings but remember children are too young to take on this kind of responsibility.

7. Be real with your children about the changes that might take place such as housing, financial, holidays, Xmas arrangements etc. Where you have organised access to children please make sure these are adhered to. Nothing is worse for a child's self-esteem than to be let down by a parent over access.

8. Allow them to talk about their feelings openly and validate their feelings by empathic communication. For example, if your child is angry and playing up acknowledge that they are angry and let them talk about it. Children sometimes blame themselves for divorce so it is important that they know this is a difficult decision you have both taken and it is about mum and dad's relationship.

9. Watch out for signs of behavioural changes in your child and let them know you are there for them and will support them.

10. Tell your child that no matter what happens they are loved by you both.

In the meantime there is a seminar coming up this Friday 24th May in East London which may be of interest being run by a colleague of mine who is a family divorce lawyer. Details:

http://mplaw.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/family-law-seminar-friday-24th-may-2013.html

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

How do I stop worrying?

2013-05-09T08:05:00.002+01:00

There are some people who are always worried about something.

Take A. She is worried about whether she will be able to climb the steps of a holiday villa that is not even booked yet. In addition she is also worried that her usual taxi driver won't be able to drive her to the airport and whether she will get everything in her suitcase for the Ryanair flight.

Take B. He is worried about going into meetings at work. Will he stumble if he is asked a question? Will his colleagues look at him? Judge him? Will they think he doesn't know how to do his job?

Take C. She is worried about her health. If she gets a pain she immediately researches for signs of something serious. If she feels unwell she has to see the doctor immediately and paces the room crying until she does so.

Take D. She is constantly worrying about her children and the time she spends with them, the food she cooks for them, whether they are developing at the right stages and whether their behaviour is normal.

Can you relate to any of these people? Of course we all worry from time to time but if your worrying is getting out of hand then this must be making life uncomfortable for you. Unless of course a worrier is who you are and how you define yourself. In which case you are probably ok with it most of the time and in fact would be lost without something to worry about.

Anxiety and worry can give you headaches, backaches, tension, sleepless nights, affect your appetite etc. Constant worrying can be seen as a habit and/or an addictive behaviour. Both of these perspectives allow for change. Cognitive therapy can certainly help you to make changes if that is what you would like.

Worrying is also wasted energy. By that I mean if you didn't worry what other positive things could you do with your time. Think about putting all that energy into a new project/task or hobby or breathing deeply and relaxing away the time.

Most worriers do not live in the present moment but are stuck either in the past or in the future. Learning mindfulness will help you do do this.

At this moment in time do you have anything to worry about? If not then relax.

If there is a problem and you can do something about it then you don't need to worry.
If there is a problem and you cannot do anything about then you don't need to worry either.

Slow down, let go of your worries and enjoy the flow of the moment.

Any questions please post on comments.

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

When your mind goes blank

2013-05-01T22:00:00.000+01:00

Do you find you are still tired first thing in the morning. Pressure building before you even get out of bed. You are probably have too much on your plate, feel overworked and stressed with life.

You and so many other people right now. Taking on so much. Maybe not eating properly due to lack of time or inspiration. Lack of sunshine or exercise. Too many demands on you and your energy is low.

Another day in the week would be good.

Listen to your mind.

Relax your body.

If you have a to-do-list look only at the top 3 things and cross over the others.

Sleep a restful sleep tonight and repeat the same tomorrow.

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

Divorce is never easy - 10 assertiveness tips to help you both

2013-04-23T21:52:00.000+01:00

Going through a divorce or separation can be very difficult and challenging for most people.

The following TEN TIPS will help you to remain assertive and behave in a way that is effective, respectful and beneficial to yourself and others:

1. Express your opinions and feelings in a clear way. Ask the other person what they think and feel too.

2. Be clear about what you want whilst considering the needs of the other party. This includes stating your position and priorities and listening to the other persons position and priorities. Put yourself in their shoes!

3. Take your Time to think about positive outcomes for you both and for your family, especially if children are involved.

4. Say No without feeling guilty. Do not allow yourself to be pressurized or bulldozed into agreeing things or making decisions until you are ready to do so.

5. Talk at the same level. Body language communicates over 50% of the message. Give eye to eye contact and keep movement to a minimum. Avoid finger pointing or moving into the personal space of others which will only raise defences and antagonize.

6. Breathe deeply and calmly if you feel stressed. The calmer you feel the more able you will be to see things clearly and when you respond your voice tone will reflect a more assertive message. Try slowing down your speech. Raised voices will automatically put the other person in a defensive position ready to fight their corner.

7. Think before you react. It is not always helpful to respond immediately to a situation. Take some time to assess the situation before you give your response. Time will allow you to take an overview of events rather than making snap responses or decisions under pressure.

8. See the bigger picture. Sometimes its better to say nothing if there is nothing to be gained. Think about how you would like things to be five years from now! Calm or Conflict? Your choice! Start the process now.

9. Mind your language. Use language that defuses rather than escalates a situation.

Assertiveness statements might be:

I appreciate your point of view .. and this is what I think about it

These are my thoughts on access arrangements, what are yours?

Non assertiveness statements might be:

Some people think that is not a good idea to go to Court (avoids giving your own opinion)

Don't you think we should divide everything 50:50 (again hints at what you might be thinking but do not say outright.

10. Support Yourself with Positive Thoughts. Give yourself strong messages about who you are and what you stand for rather than being afraid of what people may think of you, or being critical of what you think others are doing to you.

There can be light at the end of the tunnel.

http://www.andreaharrn.co.uk/

What is Love?

2013-03-27T22:44:00.000+00:00

Love means many things to many people.

Romantic

Poetic

Togetherness

Never having to say your sorry

Looking away

Kind and caring

Forgiveness

All you need

Acceptance

Music to my ears

Unconditional Positive Regard

Dependency on another or Interdependency

A powerful healing energy that flows from the heart chakra

A natural biological response to our children

challenging

Freedom to be

A feeling of warmth towards a stranger

My other half

Addictive

Channelled from Divine source

A dance

Intimacy

Mindgames

Bonding

Who I am

Powerful

Winter Flowers

What I'm waiting for

Giving to another

A universal energy

Nature

The answer

The Sun, The Moon, The Stars, The Sea, The earth

What does love mean to you?

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

How to Stick to your Diet - 5 Key questions

2013-03-19T23:21:00.000+00:00

I recently held a one day workshop on the psychological factors around eating and being on a diet. This workshop was held as a fundraiser for breast cancer and included lunch!!! Yes I cooked (with some help which was gratefully received).

12 lovely ladies turned up of all different shapes and sizes. Their reasons for attending were quite different too. Some wanted to lose weight after Christmas. Others have spent most of their lives on one diet or another and just wanted some new ideas. Others were not looking to lose weight but were interested in the psychology and emotional issues related to food.

I did not recommend any particular diets or eating plans or give specific advice on healthy foods or exercise other than to say exercise will help lose weight and that personally I try to eat a raw food meat-free diet myself. There is a lot of information out there already on the importance of 5 a day fruit and vegetables etc. and we all know about junk food (don't we?)

I started the first session with 5 key questions:

1. What is your goal and how important is it to you?

Maybe your goal is to lose weight on the scales and if that is the case how much weight do you want to lose. Set yourself an achievable goal and you are more likely to be successful. What will it mean to you to achieve this goal. How will you feel about yourself if you do. Or perhaps your goal is to be healthier. Be specific when you answer this question.

2. Why now?

What is different about this moment in time. Perhaps you have been given advice by a doctor to lose weight or maybe there is a special occasion coming up. Thinking about this question will help you to focus more on your goal

3. Who are you doing this for?

Are you doing this because you feel judged by others or are you doing this for you? You are more likely to be successful if you are doing it for yourself. If you are doing it for somebody else do you think they are going to like you more or love you more if you lose weight. Would you love them any more or less if they were a different weight. Think about who you are trying to please or impress.

4. What are the advantages and disadvantages of pursing your goal? Focus on the short term and long term.

The advantages may be numerous such as feeling healthier, fitting into clothes, feeling more confident etc. The disadvantages may be feeling you have to give up something or feel deprived. Writing this out will help you identify your thinking clearly.

5. Are you prepared to put in the time and investment?

How much time will it take and can you afford it. If your time and money is in short supply recognising this at an early stage will help you to make the right choices for yourself. If you know in your heart that you are not prepared to put in time and investment then perhaps you don't want the goal as much as you thought. That's ok too. Its all your choice but be true to yourself.

I will be writing more about this in future posts but for now I will leave you with the 5 key questions to think about.

Bye for now

Andrea

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

Guilt Trips

2013-03-11T10:05:00.000+00:00

Been on one lately? Or perhaps you are on one as you are reading this. Think of all those amazing places you could go to in the world. Even if you don't pack a suitcase or leave your house you could be in a much better place right now than the guilt trip.

So you didn't call that person you said you would. Will they survive? I'm sure they will.

So you are meant to put aside an afternoon this week to visit someone that means a lot to you. Well maybe you want to go and i'm sure you mean well but you just don't seem to have enough hours in the day.

Did you give more attention to one of your children than the other last night? That bedtime story wasn't meant to take half an hour, how were you to know there would be so many questions.

Have you spoken to your mother lately? Did you remember her card and present on Mothers day but perhaps you forgot to send one to your grandmother and your sister did. Now her halo shines more brightly than yours.

You still haven't got round to sending thank you cards for your wedding presents. Ok, its been 2 months now but you've been on honeymoon and you still haven't unpacked and your great aunty has just phoned to see if you received the cheque on the wedding day that was clearly in the card she handed to you personally.

OK, enough now. Just breathe and take another breath. You are not a bad person. In fact you do a lot of good things for others. Didn't you recently send money to children in need. You are always there for your friends when they call. Except if they call when you are watching Big Brother. You try your hardest to cook properly and you eat raw vegetables.

You know what. You are a human being, no more nor less than any other. You do care deeply which is why you are on the guilt trip. Lets face it if you didn't care you wouldn't have a conscience.

So don't get caught in the guilt trap and definitely don't go off on a guilt trip.

Tell yourself calmly, over a nice cup of your favourite brew, that you are ok. You can if you choose put aside time to tell everyone that has packed your cases that you do love them and do care. You will also tell them you try to get things right but that you are a busy person. You have a right to your own life and to do things in your own time.

Breathe.......breathe.......breathe

Affirmation I am a caring human being. I try my best at all times. I can relax and take my time

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

The Bridge to Success

2013-03-07T22:44:00.000+00:00

Part 3 of the Working Towards your Goal series.

So, now you know where you are and where you want to be the big question next is how do I get there.

A friend of mine did this exercise recently. When he a took a proper look at his life drawn out on paper it resembled a series of boxes, everything was defined exactly like that. The work box, the house box, the decorating, the children, 3 of them all in separate boxes with their individual needs all boxed out. Then there was the financial box and the worries all in separate boxes. Worries about paying the bills, worries about car insurance, worries about paying for a holiday. No faces had features either.

His drawing of where he wanted to be was more free flowing, colourful and it included him holding hands with his wife and children. It was a far happier image.

You may have already completed a similar exercise - see my last post.

So how to get from A to B.

Imagine a bridge between the two images and start to think about all the steps you need to take to get there. Write down each of the steps separately, whether they be small steps or big steps.

My friend's list looked something like this:

1. Find time each week to take my children to the park or for a walk
2. Clear out the spare bedroom to turn into an office or workspace to get organised
3. Sell the 2nd family car as we hardly ever use it
4. Clear out the garage and make a playroom for the children
5. Ask my boss about possibility of promotion
6. Have a conversation with my wife and share with her the pressures that I am under
7. Think about re-training for another career
8. Exercise more

By taking a clear good look at each action that needs to be taken it makes it easier to plan.

If you want your life to change then you can make it happen and it need not be as hard as you think.

Affirmation: I can take small steps to bring about big change

Watch out for Part 4 of this Working towards your Goal series which will look at obstacles that stop people taking the steps.

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

Is getting diagnosed a good idea?

2013-01-30T08:43:00.000+00:00

This is a question that often pops up in counsellor training and also in the therapy room.

Does having a diagnosis help or hinder the client? We are all different in our personalities and behaviours and this is what makes us so unique. Your behaviour might be normal for you but strange to others or vice versa.

For many people being diagnosed will be a huge relief and is an opportunity to receive the right help or medication. Bipolar Disorder is a diagnosis that springs to mind here. A young man I know for many years suffered with extreme lows, depressive and suicidal thoughts and self-harm yet at other times was literally climbing up lamp posts, behaving inappropriately and loudly in public and getting himself in real trouble as an exhibitionist. He was also heavily into drugs and alcohol. These situations were becoming more frequent and so upsetting not just for him but for his friends and family. It was very hard to be around him. It was suggested that he visit his GP and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. This referral resulted in a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder and he was then given medication to help him. This for him was really useful - I also gave him lots of reading material and this helped him to understand that he was not going crazy. He has had counselling sessions on and off for a period of time and his life is now more under control.

On the other hand I have had clients coming to me for therapy that have been diagnosed with depressive disorders or social anxiety disorders that have felt quite stigmatised by their labels. In the first instance the client was depressed, but then 1 in 4 people in the UK suffer from depression at some time in their lives and the majority of sufferers do recover quite well. I would not personally like to label someone with a mental health disorder because they are depressed. Regarding the social anxiety diagnosis, I'm sure it won't be hard for anyone reading this to relate to feelings of anxiety in social situations too. Years ago you might have described them as shy or introvert not label them with a mental health disorder. Of course there are extreme cases but even so, a label or therapy?

Another view here is about medication - it might not surprise you to know that 1 in 10 Americans are on anti-depressants according to Harvard Health Publications. Clearly diagnosis is of benefit to the pharmaceutical industry.

Many counsellors won't even work with people that have a diagnosis or if they are also under psychiatrists which results in many people being left in the NHS system, 1 appointment every 3-4 months, feeling abandoned and very much on their own with the problem.

The other problem about diagnosis and labels is they quite often have to be declared on medical forms which gives the insurance industry the excuse to put up your premiums. Or alternatively on job application forms which might affect (rightly or wrongly) your chances of getting the job.

I'm not saying I have the answers here but I would say if you have tried self-help and still feel bad then seek professional therapy. If that doesn't work then ask your counsellor to refer you back to the GP for more investigations. Just don't rush to be diagnosed!

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

Where am I now?

2013-01-29T14:57:00.002+00:00

Second Post in the Working towards your Goal series.

Until you know where you are then its going to be difficult to take meaningful steps towards where you want to be. Quite often we kid ourselves and others about our lives, what we do, who we know, how successful we are or not. Its all too easy to make things up to impress others or to bury our heads in the sand with the truth.

Honesty and truth about yourself will set you free to open yourself up to happiness, creativity, success and freedom.

I'm going to show you a little exercise I use with clients looking to make changes for themselves.

STEP 1

Take a piece of paper and lots of coloured pens/pencils and draw out your life on that page without any holds barred. Just go for it. When you've finished take a look and see what's there. You might find it full of colour or perhaps quite dull in appearance. You may see things clearly on the page or it might look a bit muddled. Who is in the picture and who is missing. What do you feel like when you look at it? What does this picture tell you?

This is a great way to take an honest evaluation of your life at this moment.

STEP 2

On a new piece of paper please now draw freely what you would like your life to look like and take your time and don't hold back. This is a chance to dream freely about what you want for yourself.
When you have finished just see what is on there, who is on there. How do you feel when you look at this picture.

Quite often clients look at this second picture and when talking it through begin to see that a lot of what they want in the second picture they actually have already in their lives.

I don't want to influence you here so I'm going to let you try this and then ask the question about each thing on the second picture. i.e. do I already have this in my life but maybe I just didn't notice for a while.

So enjoy drawing and check back for the next post on working towards your goals.

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

Why goals are important

2013-01-21T08:08:00.001+00:00

So, its the 21st January and today is the day when most New Year resolutions are said to fall apart. Its all fine and good to resolve for change but unless your are specific about what it is you are aiming for then how can you stick to it. For example, if you said I want to go to Yorkshire this weekend would you just set off without consulting a map or your sat nav? Even before that would you decide where a about in Yorkshire you are going. Its a big place. Are you going to the city or the countryside and what are you even going there for. So you need to be specific. Once you've decided you need to find the directions. The first thing your sat nav asks you is your current location. Only then can you get clear and specific directions to your destination.

Its the same with your life. What are your goals for yourself? These might relate to personal or work/business issues. What is your intention and what are you focusing on? Where are you now?

A friend of mine was starting a new business but it was all a big vague. He had some ideas about a technology app that he wanted to develop but wasn't too sure if he could afford to get it off the ground. He had another idea about buying properties to rent out for long term investment but didn't really have a time frame in mind for this. He wanted to get rich quick and live the high life. But he was also thinking about moving out of London for a quieter life. In essence this guy was not clear about his goals. A year down the line nothing much had changed, he was still talking about his ideas but no further along the path. Hardly surprising since he didn't know which path he was walking.

Its all very well to envision lots of scenarios, dream lots of dreams and talk lots of talk. Its not until you take action that progress will start.

Having a clear goal is the first step

What is your goal? Be specific

What are you focusing on for your life? Be specific

What will this mean to you? Be specific

What action do you need to take to get there? Be specific

What is the next step? Be specific

A goal is like a puzzle, once you start the journey the pieces will fall into place and all journeys to success start with that first step.

So off you go!

Affirmation: I am responsible for taking the right steps towards my own goal and will do so

My next blog will talk about the step 2 - Working towards your goals. Please follow my blog if you want to know more

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

This blog was inspired by an excellent workshop I attended this weekend for business entrepeneurs run by Wilson Luna

Relaxed.com

2012-12-21T10:34:00.000+00:00

Epping Forest October 2012

This last weekend has been one of the most relaxing weekend I can remember for a long time. It started with a quiz on Friday night in aid of the Dream Factory which is a local charity that grants wishes and dreams to terminally ill children. So far they have granted over 160 dreams so it was a lovely thing to be part of this evening and helping to raise money. Actually started by a friend of mine Avril Mills who lost her own son at 9 years old and has worked tirelessly ever since to make the lives better for others going through illness.

The weekend continued with a trip to the Dickens town of Rochester with good friends. Walking along the River and mooching through the little shops in the town centre. Not really buying anything but enjoying looking at the different arts and crafts, antiques and scented soaps and candles. Oh yes, I did buy two paperbacks in the charity shop.

Sunday continued with a walk in the morning in Epping Forest with another friend that I haven't seen since we were 13 years old. We used to be best friends but literally lost contact. We found each other on Facebook and it turns out we both love trees and nature and even had the same favourite tree in the local park. The scenery was stunning and the morning felt magical.

The day continued meeting up with other old friends at the lovely country house Down Hall where we spent the evening celebrating and remembering our dear friend Steve who died 8 years ago. It would have been his birthday. There were more walks to be had in the beautiful grounds, lovely dinner to follow and lots of love and laughter all around.

This weekend has to be one of the best in ages. I took the time to spend with friends, to catch up with people I haven't seen in ages, help raise money for charity, remember those that have been lost, eat, drink and was merry.

I am feeling so relaxed this week and must remember to do it again soon.

Affirmation: There is always time to make time to relax

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

Who is responsible for a suicide?

2012-12-10T08:31:00.000+00:00

Is there anyone close to you that has become quieter more recently, upset, depressed, shutting themselves off, not talking or perhaps behaving out of character.

It is a sad fact that each year there are many people who take their own life (5,608 in the UK in 2010) or come near to it with suicidal thoughts.

The sad news of Nurse Jacintha Saldanha, who committed suicide after falling for a prank call involving Kate Middleton, has left a sadness in so many hearts and my sincere condolences go out to her family and friends.

Investigations are underway about the events leading up to her death. Two young Australian DJ's who made the phone calls are shocked and shattered and talk about being gutted and heartbroken themselves. They recently called the Queen Elizabeth II hospital pretending to be the Queen and Prince Charles to get information about Kate, The Duchess of Cambridge who was in hospital for sickness during early pregnancy.

So who is responsible for a suicide?

We are all responsible for our own lives and this might sound a hard line to take at such a difficult time but I believe this to be true. Choosing to Not Live is a personal choice.

We all mistakes because we are human. How we cope with the mistakes we make will depend on our state of mind at the time. Who knows what was going on in the mind of this lady. Clearly she was distraught at what had happened around this prank call. It will be interesting to know how this was handled by those around her. When a suicide happens it leaves many unanswered questions and huge grief for those left behind. Quite often people that commit suicide have been planning it for a while and do not talk or share their thoughts. A problem shared is a problem halved and talking it through with a friend or professional can clarify your thoughts and help you to make a decision about your own life.

If there is someone you are worried about please talk to them and encourage them to get some help or perhaps give them a kind word of comfort and support.

Can people be driven to taking their own life?

Yes! We can be driven to suicide by situations we are in and the behaviour of others. Life is full of challenges, unfairness, thoughtlessness and all sorts of other difficult hurtful situations. Ultimately however we are still responsible for that act that takes our own life.

If you are feeling alone, sad, depressed, hurt, ashamed, guilty or any other difficult feelings then please know that there are others out there feeling just like you. You are not alone - none of us are. Think about the people in your life who will be shattered if you are no longer alive, in their lives. Give them a chance to be with you.

What this incident can teach us all is to be mindful of our own behaviour and actions and to treat others with love and respect. Where the media is concerned I think its a good lesson for all journalists to act in an ethical and moral way for all concerned towards the public.

If you are feeling suicidal please speak to your GP or the Samaritans http://www.samaritans.org

Affirmation: I am resourceful and strong and will find a way forward through connection and love with those around me.

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

The benefits of Gratitude

2012-12-03T09:42:00.001+00:00

We are coming towards the end of the year and with the festive season approaching it is a time to reflect about all that is good in our lives.

Its so easy to get caught up buying presents, worrying about one day that is meant to be perfect. Being the perfect mother, daughter, wife, father, son or brother. Will Uncle Fred like his socks? Will mum appreciate that jumper I've bought her or return it in the January sales?

This is a good time to step back from stress and worries.

Its the small things in life that matter the most.

That saying "the best things in life are free" is so true. You cannot buy love, happiness or success. All of these things come from within.

This weekend I have been doing my usual walking in the forest and I find that a good time to connect with my thoughts. My life is probably much like other lives. I have good days and bad days. I worry about things sometimes and other times ignore what I should be doing and thinking about. I try my best to do the right thing but sometimes that just isn't good enough.

But I do know that when I dwell on things that have gone wrong I am unhappy and if I have negative thoughts I feel bad.

When I think about what I am grateful for I feel positive and calm.

William Bloom wrote about the Endorphin Effect from his discovery that what brings people that most happiness are the simple things. He gave an example of a lady holding her cat on her lap. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Endorphin-Effect-breakthrough-spiritual-wellbeing/dp/074994126X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1354543196&sr=1-1

Our endorphins are the happy chemicals that we all have within us. One of the ways to raise our endorphin level is to think about what we are grateful for.

So here are some of the things I feel grateful for:

My family first and foremost - always there for me no matter what
Each one of my children that are so special in their own unique ways and give me so much joy
My mum who is always so supportive of me
My sisters - One who is like my best friend, the other has learning difficulties but helps me to learn patience and understanding
My Friends - solid and dependable, fun and friendly, supportive and kind
Neighbours - watching out for each other and living together in peace and harmony
My work - I love what I do with a passion and feel grateful for the opportunities I have been given
Nature - being part of this wonderful world and being able to connect to a wider universe
Opportunities for learning
Reiki, and the ability to tune into my higher power and divine energies to channel healing
Clients - I feel blessed and honoured to have worked with so many amazing people
Colleagues - the mutual benefit of networking in a positive way
Living in the UK - having free speech and chance to meet so many wonderful people that live in this land
Universal Love - feeling it, connecting with it and allowing it to flow through me
Conversations with others
Inspiration all around me
Music
Dance
Song
Books
Poetry

I could go on and on - I am grateful for so many things.

What are you grateful for?

Remind yourself each day and be happy!

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

Confused.com

2012-11-26T08:04:00.000+00:00

Tangled thoughts, mind racing, mixed messages, bad communications.

When communication is unclear this can result in confusion. How many times have your listened to instructions and half way through them got lost in language. People have different ways of expressing themselves. Some get to the point very quickly whilst others talk around the houses and waffle a bit. Others just don't bother to give time or eye contact. Sounding familiar?

To avoid confusion think about the following:

Make your own communication crystal clear and if appropriate follow up by an email or text.

Check out what others mean by asking specific questions and if appropriate ask them to clarify.

Speak politely and with respect for the other person, giving them time to respond.

There is always more than one version of events so don't get caught out.

Poor communication often leads to misunderstandings and/or conflict and in personal relationships this can cause relationships to break down.

Unclear communication at work can mean following the "wrong" instructions and this could end up with you in trouble. Or if you are the one giving the instruction can result in the work you wanted being done incorrectly. Take the time to clarify.

Out of chaos confusion reigns and this can result in further misunderstandings and mistakes.

When you are confused you don’t know what to think, say or feel - you can even feel emotionally battered with it.

Don't let that happen to you. Take your time. You are worth it!!

Affirmation: I can be clear in my communication and will take my time to do so

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

Peace in the Middle East

2012-11-23T14:43:00.000+00:00

I have been thinking a lot in the past few days about all the problems in the Middle East and particularly the loss of lives that has occurred this week. Seeing the fear in the faces of those affected and the grief expressed by loss of lives on both sides fills me with great sadness and a feeling of helplessness too. I try in my own way to think about peace for all and in conversations I attempt to reflect this.

I don't know enough about the history and the politics of what has occurred over the last hundred years in the Middle East to comment without getting the facts wrong. So I will stay away from that kind of discussion here. I do know that it cannot be in anyone's interest to fight wars.

Fighting war does not bring about peace.

There will be stories from all sides and everyone involved about what has happened between the Israelis and the Palestinians and those stories will differ according to what side you are on, the stories you have been told and the life you live on a day to day basis.

So other than accounts from historians who are unbiased I believe the hard facts and truth are hard to see. I would certainly like to hear more from them and for this to be published and widely available for all to see and feel this will be beneficial to all concerned.

However, the reality of personal experience and perception becomes the truth for those involved and this is what also needs to be listened to.

The danger comes when others who take sides voice their opinions without intimate knowledge of the facts - this can be harmful especially when those voices gain a lot of media attention. Hatred, racism and finger-pointing gain momentum which does not bring about peace.

I work with conflict on a weekly basis and find that it is only through empathy and understanding of each other that healing can take place. But before that can happen it is necessary to uncover the thoughts and feelings from all sides. This is a difficult process in itself and involves a lot of patience, listening and reflecting. The first thing I say to people is that they have to take responsibility for the relationship working.

So with all the goodwill in the world other nations cannot solve the crisis until those involved are ready to sit together and feel each other's pain with respect and empathy.

We are all part of the same human race and therefore have the same basic human needs.

I continue to hope for peace in the Middle East with the Israelis and Palestinians coming together as brothers in humanity to work together in the best interests of all their citizens.

Affirmation: I can play a part in bringing peace to the world by living in peace with those around me

Feeling alone?

2012-11-20T09:14:00.001+00:00

A report out today has found a quarter of Londoners say they feel lonely some or all of the time. I guess there are times when we might say that we have felt alone with no-one to talk to or share our thoughts with. Two types of loneliness can be identified: social loneliness and emotional loneliness. With so many people using London as a transient base these days people don't always have the time to get to know others and form social friendships. Emotional loneliness occurs when people feel alone with their problems which can happen even when part of a family or social group.

The problem arises when people feel both social and emotional loneliness - this can lead to mental health issues such as stress or depression.

Major life transitions can also contribute to feeling isolated such as after having a baby, being a carer for parents or sick family members and also retirement. There are things we can all do to help ourselves not feel lonely. We are all part of a wider network of humanity. We are not alone in this world even though it may feel that way sometimes.

Each year I attend a beautiful event in Dorset at Gaunts House which is known as the Summer Gathering. It is a place where people can come and connect with others in a caring, heartfelt way. Strangers smile at one another and talk together about anything they want to say. There is a sense of freedom felt by all. As a past organiser of this event the one thing that sticks out to me in feedback is people saying what a wonderful sense of community they have experienced and why can't it be like that where they live. I'll give you the answer to that one. It is a wonderful sense of community because people take the time to smile at one another, to listen to one another and to appreciate that we are all unique.

When I return home I walk down my own road and smile at others hoping to continue this feeling. I am a Londoner myself, born and bred. So I smile at others as I walk down the road. About half of the time I am met with indifference or people looking away or strangely at me. The other half I get a smile back and I can see that my smile has created a change in that person's physiology. Their body language changes and so does mine. It feels good. When people don't acknowledge me I feel sad but when they do I feel glad - Simples

So here is my message to you all on loneliness.

1 Smile at others
2 Take the time to have a conversation with others, even strangers in passing.
3 Give people in your life a chance to connect with you on an emotional level.
4 Join a club, support group, meet up group around common interests.

Affirmation: I am an important part of the human race and look forward to connecting with others

For more details on the report out today see: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-20324373

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

Creating good karma

2012-11-19T08:24:00.000+00:00

I often hear the people using the word karma when someone or something bad has happened to them or in society. It is thought of as a punishment to come for those that deserve it and it is sometimes easier to think that karma will get that person rather than us having to take some action to communicate the problem. The problem with this is that if we are imaging all the bad things that will happen because of karma what we are in fact doing is creating our own bad karma.

On a society level we might think that nations deserve to have bad karma for their treatment of others. We imagine them falling from their great heights or suffering the same fate as they have metered out. The same rule applies when we imagine bad things occurring to them.

How and why you may ask. Its not me that did something wrong.

Karma is not ours to meter out in thought or action. It is based on a principal that individual behaviour will mirror universal patterns. The tiniest act, a thought for example, can have an enormous impact......the ripple effect...... The energies of all our thoughts and actions have the potential for change above and beyond ourselves and our own lives.

On an individual level we are responsible for our own karma what comes back to us depends on our own thoughts and actions. When we take a positive approach to life, acting with good intention, not holding onto negativity or resentments but moving into forgiveness and acceptance we are offering ourselves an opportunity to create our own good karma.

If we believe we have acted wrongly or badly then its never too late to change our karma. Because karma means action and not in-action we can always move to reflect how we want our world to be. By greater self-understanding of cause and effect we can adjust our actions accordingly to unlock patterns and create a better path for ourselves.

It is also my belief that we are all also responsible and accountable for our actions on a spiritual level. On a more global level what we do, say and think will create a result out there in the universe. That result is karma. For example living in a divided world where one group of people manipulates for financial gains or believe themselves to be superior to others will have a negative effect and actions that follow may be attributed to the karma of all concerned. But remember there are always two sides to every story and rather than attributing blame or inciting hatred we can instead sent out love and healing energy to all involved.

We are living in difficult times and because our thoughts and actions have energy it is important to put out positivity for the global good.

For more of my thoughts on karma please see: http://andrea-harrn.blogspot.co.uk/2011/08/what-is-karma.html

Have a great day:-)

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

2012-11-15T15:10:00.000+00:00

Do you find it difficult to say sorry? Or perhaps you wait patiently and longingly to hear that word. The power of an apology can make a huge difference in relationships between people. But as Elton John so beautifully sang "Sorry seems to be the hardest word".

There are times when we don't get it right. We are moody, miserable or angry and we might take that out on someone we love, or anyone that happens to be in our way. If we feel vulnerable we might attack other people or blame them unnecessarily. These actions are unfair and can be abusive to others. We usually know in the back of our minds that what we did was wrong. But to admit that is another thing. It is easier to carry on regardless or ignore the feelings of those we have hurt. Lets face it if we say sorry we are admitting our own failures or shortcomings.

When you are the person that feels hurt by the actions and behaviours of another it can feel confusing and upsetting. You may think you don't deserve it and you begin to question yourself.

Maybe, the other person does not realise how you feel. If they knew would they be happy about it? Have they intentionally set out to hurt you or is their behaviour more a reflection on themselves and how they are feeling right now. Perhaps they are unhappy, stressed or insecure. Although, we all have our breaking points.

A good tip that I recommend to clients is to write down the way you feel about things. You might ask yourself the following:

1) Why am I upset?
2) What was my part in this?
3) What specifically upset me?

When you are clear about your feelings show them or communicate them with the other person and give them a chance to reflect on what you are saying.

If that person has a conscience and good morals they will be able to apologise. A beautiful way to do this is to say the word "sorry".

When we are able to reflect on our behaviours it shows we are self-aware and have room for personal growth. It is a strength to say sorry.

But if you don't feel sorry then don't just say it to please the other. For you I would suggest the following:

1) Write down how you feel about things?
2) Is there anything I wish I had done differently?
2) Do I have anything helpful to suggest for the future?

Then share with the other person. This will really deepen and strengthen your relationship.

It means a lot to know that a person regrets what they have done, can see the impact of their actions and are remorseful.

Affirmation: I don't always get things right but am willing to look at myself and learn

Do you keep being disappointed?

2012-11-13T11:43:00.000+00:00

The people around us are like mirrors to our souls. In general it is true to say that we get back what we give so its useful to look at own behaviours in relationships. To be the best we can be. However, there may be people in your lives who will periodically disappoint. We feel hurt by their words and actions or in-actions. We don't understand why they behave in that way. We can look for reasons but that doesn't seem to help.

Its so hard when we feel disappointed in this way. I know there are people in my life who have periodically and regularly disappointed me in the past and even now. I used to get very upset about this. I would get angry and resentful and try to talk to others to get them to see my point of view and agree with me. Many would see my point of view and would agree with me but that didn't really stop the disappointment. Others would get defensive or attacking which definitely didn't help. The disappointed feeling would still sit inside me like a knot inside.

When you are disappointed in others it shows 2 main features.

1. That you care about the relationship

2. That your expectations are probably too high.

Caring about the relationships you have with others is so important. When you know that you do your best to be thoughtful, kind and respectful but do not get the same back then its time to re-evaluate that relationship. There are things that you can of course do to improve the situation:

1. Communicate your thoughts and feelings to the other person

2. Let them know what it is you would like from them/need from them to improve the relationship

3. Get a sense of whether that person is listening to you and taking it in board

4. Ask yourself if you are ever guilty of the same thing or can recognise the characteristics in yourself.

3. Tell them how you would like things to be different and ask what you can do to help the relationship

If that person/people do not get you, are not interested in what you have to say or willing to work at the relationship then its probably time to move on. Get over it. Either distance yourself or think about how much time and energy you want to give to that person. There are others around you who will be far more deserving of your kindness, time and energy.

Regarding expectations. Its very easy to expect others to behave as we do. What is that saying "Do unto others......" Well reality is that people will not behave as you do. They will have a whole different set of morals, codes, learnt behaviours and their own expectations. They are not us. Therefore it is unrealistic to expect them to behave in a certain way, know exactly what we want or need of them.

Lower your expectations, in fact lower them so much that you expect nothing. Expect nothing at all from them and in that way you will not be disappointed. You may instead find yourself becoming accepting of them and grateful for all good encounters that you share.

So acceptance is the way forward which may also mean detaching from that person in some way but without holding on to negative feelings yourself. A simple moving on in good grace.

There is much learn to much from ourselves when we look at the relationships that we have with those in our lives.

Affirmation: I accept all the people that are in my life and look forward to good relationships.

Feeling helpless in the face of redundancy

2012-11-06T08:59:00.000+00:00

Recently I have heard of so many people losing their jobs because of a company restructure. Being called in and told that the company is going through changes and one of those is that your job is now redundant. Surprise!! Maybe not. Perhaps you have seen this coming. Other people in other departments have gone. The company is now a third of the size it was two years ago. Secret meetings appear to be happening all around you and that smarmy new guy that arrived 3 months ago is looking even smarmier.

It doesn't seem to make sense though - everyone left is working twice as hard these days, having taken on the work of all those that are now just history. There is clearly still work to be done so it comes as just a little bit of a shock (even though its happened around you before) to be called into that dreaded meeting.

You sit there feeling shocked and helpless. Did you manage to get your words out and tell them what you were thinking. Probably not! In the face of these kinds of situations people are generally thrown off balance. Its not until afterwards that you can come up with all the things that you would have liked to have said in that room.

Apparently there are other jobs you can apply for but when you look at the job spec they appear to be very familiar. In fact so familiar that it is actually your job. At this point you may be panicking and really unsure of how to play this.

Its beginning to look like a plan that is already in place. You're out, your history and there's not a lot you can do about it.

At this point you may either be feeling helpless or angry or probably both. But once the initial shock has work off think about whether you are helpless or powerful.

Are you helpless. The definition of helpless is:

Unable to help oneself; powerless or incompetent.
Lacking support or protection:
Impossible to control; involuntary

So, you've decided you are in fact competent and able to help yourself and now there are things you can do.

Procedures need to be followed around redundancy and there is information out there for you. https://www.gov.uk/redundant-your-rights/overview. Find out what your legal rights are.

Talk to your family and get ideas from others that have been through similar circumstances. Get as much support as you can.

If you feel upset then that's understandable - it is very upsetting to be told that your job is redundant and even more so when you know its not true.

And now turning to the anger you feel. Anger is a normal reaction to this kind of situation. Make sure you use the energy of your anger in your favour by ensuring that you do everything possible to stay in control of this situation. Some ideas:

- Write things down
- Make lists of any relevant situations that might help your case such as examples of unfairness or discrimination in the office
- Get informed - legal advice - trade union support etc.
- Plan what you want to say in the meetings
- Try and stay calm before you go into the meetings by taking long deep breaths
- Take a friend or colleague in with you - someone you can trust.

Once this ordeal is over, and it will end you may come to realise that actually you didn't like it there anyway. Perhaps this wasn't the job that you'd always dreamed of. Maybe this will give you an opportunity to make a real change in your life.

All transitions are difficult times because you are between security. Having a job is secure. No job is insecure. The next job or career move will give you back that security.

Affirmation: I am strong, I can fight my battles and I will grow from this experience

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

Disgusted by the coverage in the Media of the Jimmy Saville story

2012-10-31T10:18:00.000+00:00

I find myself feeling quite disgusted by so many aspects of the Jimmy Saville investigation.

Firstly, the fact that so many people evidently knew about what was going on and either did not speak out or did not make their voices loud enough to be heard by the police or other governing, relevent bodies. If people saw events happening that involved young children I wonder what it was that stopped them from doing more about it.

Secondly, the way the media has focused the attention on the failings of the BBC. Of course the BBC and other organisations failed miserably in their responsibilities towards the young victims of JS. They should of course be brought to task about this and I sincerely hope that those in the know will face the consequences, although something tells me this probably won't happen.

Thirdly, and this is the one that disgusts me the most is the way that the victims have been interviewed for the camera and asked to speak about the details of what actually happened to them. I understand that these details are crucial to the investigation and even to whether the reporters had a news story at all. However to televise these interviews, going into as much detail as they have constitutes in my mind further abuse of the person. It makes good television and i'm sure and I hate to say this but there will be people out there, enjoying the story with all its details for other reasons which I don't wish to go into.

For a person to talk about sexual abuse is difficult in itself. It will be a re-living of the trauma for many of his victims. How can the televising of the details be helpful? Sexual abuse takes many forms and this story may also bring up painful experiences for many other people that have experienced it. Talking about the experience is of course helpful but come on media - please don't sensationalise. What is most important is that the victims find freedom from their pasts in a positive way.

What would have been far more helpful would be a proper look into the effects of sexual abuse on young people, a look into the causes and reasons why it happens and how people can overcome the traumas involved.

Is anyone else out there feeling disgusted by it?

What do you think might have been done differently?

How would you envisage a positive outcome from this dark tale?

From the depths of Disgust can grow the seeds of New Hope

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

Can you help worrying?

2012-10-30T16:21:00.002+00:00

To worry is to be overly concerned with a situation or problem, spending time, thoughts and energy on something that has already happened or might happen, .

There must be so many people around the world that spent last night worrying about Hurricane Sandy and the damage it might inflict, or loved ones caught in the storm. Will the rivers overflow, will buildings be damaged, trees fall down and people get hurt? What will it all look like tomorrow?

If we didn't worry about that then we might be worrying about other major world issues such as the fighting in Syria or our soldiers in Afghanistan. People risking their lives and other people falling victim to tyranny or political agendas in which they have no say.

Its hard to take on the problems of the world.

How much time of the day do you spend worrying about one thing or another. If its not the problems of the world it might be about more general things such as our own health, children or what to make for dinner. There are always things to worry about.

Much of what we worry about connects to losing what we already have such as friendships, relationships, work stability, wealth, support etc. We question our actions or the actions of others which may be intentional or not. Where we feel we have behaved wrongly we might worry about being judged, criticised, accused, punished or even rejected.

If you are an excessive worrier, you will probably find your mind and body going into overdrive which can lead to anxiety, sleepless nights and loss of appetite.

I always say if there is a problem and you can't do anything about it then there is no point in worrying and if you can do something about it then there is no need to worry.

But just to help clarify:

1. What exactly are you worried about?

2. Can you do something about it and if so what?

3. If you can't do anything about it then how can you let go of the worry.

One way to let go of the worry is to bring yourself into present moment awareness and ask yourself the following question:

"In this present moment do I have anything to worry about"

Affirmation: There is a solution to all problems and I will find it

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

Pulling my hair out?

2012-10-10T08:30:00.000+01:00

Frustration has turned me from a normally peaceful loving person into an irrational, angry one.

I'm seething with anger and despair because I don't feel I'm being taken seriously. I'm not being listened to, given a run around and nothing I seem to do or say makes the slightest bit of difference.

Can they see the facts? Are they living in the real world? Do they see my point of view? Are they being particularly awkward or is it all part of a plan to purposely frustrate me to the point that I just give up.

How simple it would be to sort things out by accepting responsibility and accountability. But no, it seems that ignoring, delaying, denying and procrastinating is the preferred method.

Am I over-reacting? Am I missing something? Perhaps somewhere somehow I have not learnt to communicate effectively, or manage these feelings of frustration and anger.

I'm SEETHING

I'm MAD

I'm FURIOUS

Sound familiar? We all feel frustrated at times and this is part of life but what is the best way to manage these feelings.

Firstly, take yourself out of the situation. Go for walk, run or have a long hot bath filled with the most relaxing bubble bath foam. Think about the situation from an objective point of view.

Who are the characters involved?
What is actually happening?
What part are you playing in this scene?
Do you like the view you have of yourself?
Do you agree with the behaviour of others involved?
How could you do things differently?

Now think about the following:

You cannot control the behaviour of others. No matter what you do, how loud you shout or cry. Keep your emotions out of it and look at the facts. Think about whether you need to be involved in this situation any longer. If there is no good reason to stay involved then do yourself a Big Favour and Leave!

Try one more time to communicate clearly your thoughts, opinions and solutions to this problem. If the other party(s) is still not prepared to listen or do anything about it think about your options. Can you enlist the help of a third party to mediate or perhaps look at enlisting a professional such as a lawyer.

Its not unusual for people to respond to frustration by giving up but when you know you are right something inside of you tells you to stick with it and don't be beaten.

In the meantime don't let this frustration impinge on the rest of your life. Relax, meditate, run, walk, meet friends, chill out and put things in perspective.

Affirmation: I can rise above the frustrations in my life by love, hope and a good sense of humour

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

It Hurts

2012-10-04T06:30:00.001+01:00

We all feel hurt from time to time, choked up , tearful and sometimes confused. People let us down, surprise us with their actions and or inactions and disappoint.

When this happens to us it is a warning that something is not right, our relationship, work situation or friendship. Honest communication with the other person is always a good step. Try and find out what happened, is there something you are not aware of. Try to get to the bottom of it so you can understand.

If other people's behaviour towards you continues to hurt then ask yourself whether the relationship or situation is a worth fighting for. Sometimes its better to walk away with your head held high.

If you don't then perhaps you are you allowing yourself to be hurt by others in some way. Lets look at that in more detail.

In what ways are you hurting?

What can you do to make things better?

Feeling hurt takes energy that could be used for other things. Try talking it through with someone you trust.

Perhaps being more assertive about your own needs and opinions will help.

Acknowledge all the reasons you are hurting – you have a right to your thoughts and feelings and you do not need to suffer unnecessarily.

Regarding love:

There is nothing more painful than a broken heart. When the person you love lets you down in some way it can feel so so raw especially if you weren't expecting it. As a therapist I often work with people who are feeling the shock and pain of a broken romance and I explain to them that the symptoms will be the same as a bereavement with the only difference being that the person you are grieving for is still alive. In some ways this can feel worse because it also brings up feelings of rejection and self-doubt.

If you have been let down in love it is understandable that you will feel hurt and the process of recovery can take time.

I will write more about the process of loss in another blog so watch this space - but in the meantime if you are looking for support then please contact me for a handout which i'm happy to provide.

www.andreaharrn.co.uk