Andrea's Blog

A DOZEN WAYS TO CLEAR RESENTMENTS

2011-10-19T15:24:00.000+01:00

CLEARING RESENTMENTS

When we hold onto resentments we are holding on to negative emotional blocks. Holding onto negativity is counter-productive to leading a happy, calm, conflict free, positive life. Negativity is draining. Imagine you are holding all your resentments in a bag. How large would it be? Do you really want to continue carrying it?

Make a commitment to yourself to release resentments and acknowledge that every circumstance that presents itself to us gives us an opportunity for learning and growth.

Below are 12 suggested ways to clear the resentments you have:

1. Find time to think about the resentments you hold. Make a list of each and every resentment. Include resentments toward particular people, peoples, organisations, or perhaps society for perceived wrongs and injustices. Quite often when people do this exercise they find there are not so many on the list. Think about how much time you give to thinking about the resentments. Is it proportionate?

2 Next look again at each resentment and ask whether you had any control of the circumstances. When things happen out of our control we feel powerless because in fact we had no power over the situation itself. However we do have power over our responses. So if for example your life becomes affected by an unforeseen event or an act by another person look at your thinking around this. Its quite natural and normal to feel disappointed, angry, hurt, upset by the behaviour of others. However when you hold onto it you are giving a lot of power over to others. Try instead to see the action or behaviour as belonging to them (not you) and ask yourself whether you want to continue to feel bad because of someone else. Try not to judge others but instead try and put yourself in their shoes and try to understand and forgive them.

3 If you are resentful about society’s wrongs or events out of your control do something positive with your feelings. Join a group, political party or volunteer in a positive way. Turn negative into positive and see how much better you will feel. If you see yourself as a victim you will be one. If you see yourself as a positive agent for change you will be one. Make the Choice!

4 Look again at each resentment in turn. Ask yourself “what was my part in this situation”. This step is about taking responsibility for your own actions or inactions. Write down your part against each resentment and think about what you can learn for the future.

5 Think about how you have allowed each resentment to affect you. Think about the extent to which it has affected you and ask yourself how much longer you would like it to affect you. Perhaps another week, month, six months, year or the next ten years. Begin to see now the power you have over your own life.

6 Think about unfinished business on the list. If there are resentments on your list which still need to be resolved then look at who you need to speak to in order to do this. Start to think about communicating your thoughts and feelings with the other party/parties.

7 If you are unable to speak face to face or you feel you cannot face the other person for whatever reason write a letter (that will never be sent) – the purpose of this is to release all of your thoughts and feelings onto paper, or do this on the computer. The reason for not sending it is to free you up to be as open as you want to be. Don’t hold back in this letter. Say it how it is. You are not going to send it. Repeat this exercise every day for a week.

Dear John, When you did/said this or that I felt X Y Z and I think ABC and you etc. etc.

By the end of the week see how much better you feel. If necessary continue into the following week but every other day and reduce gradually till you’ve nothing left to say.

8 If you can speak to the person involved because they are still in your life and you want to improve the relationship speak to them about making some time together to discuss your relationship. Suggest you both have a notebook so you can really give this your best shot. Before you meet up think about the following statements to help you share your thoughts:

a) I am with you because……

b) My feelings were hurt when……..

c) I feel angry when…….

d) I resent you when………

e) I resist new ideas from you when…..

f) I want to believe……….

g) I don’t trust you because…….

h) I hate it when……

i) I love you when……..

j) I don’t want to forgive you because……

k) I find it hard to believe you when………

Get the idea. Add statements that are specific to you. Try not to accuse though as this will put defences up and will be a barrier to reconciliation. Think about the tiniest resentments and hurts that have been stored up for however long.

This part can be repeated as necessary.

9. When sharing your thoughts make a rule that says

A) Only one person to share at a time

B) Person sharing does not elaborate on statement

C) Person listening cannot comment other than to say “thank you for letting me know”

D) Once you have both shared agree to release and completely let go of your feelings about all of it.

This part is known as CLEANSING AND RELEASING

10 Next part is all about moving on. Take your notebook again and think about endings to the following statements or statements relevent to you:

I forgive you completely for…

I appreciate you because…

I thank you for…

I want you to…..

I understand now……..

I acknowledge your thoughts about

I am proud of you because……

I love you because…….

I want to be part of your life because…….

I have learnt ………..

Now I can........

11 Maintaining communication is key to keeping a happy relationship. It will enable trust and respect to grow between you and this will allow you all to feel safe in speaking your truths. Make time to see or speak to those that are important to you. We all have busy lives but the importance of partners, family and friends can never be over-stated.

12 Accountability and responsibility. Be 100% accountable for your actions and 100% responsible for your own communication and 100% responsible for listening to the communication of others. Be straight with people, honest and true to yourself. Be happy.

FORGIVENESS IS KEY TO CLEARING RESENTMENTS

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

Community Event

2011-09-02T14:54:00.000+01:00

For the past two years I have been involved in organising an event in Dorset, the Gaunts House Summer Gathering.

The organising group called "Heartbeat" came together for the first time in 2009 and we were a bunch of strangers with a common goal of creating a mini community in itself in order to put together this HEARTFELT event for well over 1000 people. We met about 5 times a year to talk about the event and organise it too. The Summer Gathering is based on the concept of building a community over 4 days to share and partake in living together, sharing chores, helping out, being caring towards others and all enjoying the programme of over 150 workshops, music on 3 stages, dancing, singing and so much more.

The year was very challenging in itself, apart form the organising aspect. Forming a group with others involved going through the various stages of forming, norming and performing........ Being part of any group involves naturally working with the various personalities within that group and our different ways of working.

It got me to really think about community and what a community could be and how it could work. At one point I emailed everyone in the group with the following and I thought I'd share it on the blog as it might be of interest to people:

So, here are the words of my email sent to the Heartbeat Group in April of this year

"As the "heartbeat" of the gathering we are in effect a prototype community of the gathering itself.

But how do we define community? My own thoughts are that community might be about mutual sharing, discussing, caring, learning, performing tasks, responsibility for others within the community, facing challenges together, allowing members of the community to have their own opinions, voice and to listen with respect to each other.

It might also be about coming to agreements by consensus, arrangement or practicalities. It might also be about discussing challenging issues. Within each community people will naturally take different roles, i.e. leader, listener, mediator, worker, specific skill sets etc. etc. For any community to thrive and grow respect is paramount for each other and the shared goals of the community.

Communication is Key to community.

So if we want to make the most of this opportunity to be part of Heartbeat then frank discussion and communication is the way forward.

And if we want to extend from Heartbeat to Summer Gathering as a community to be proud of then we need to be the best that we can be for the higher good of the Heartbeat community, the Summer gathering community and the examples we set and show which can be further taken into the wider world."

We were blessed to be working with some of the UK and world's greatest experts and workshop leaders in their field. We had an amazing group of volunteers plus the participants who all came together to have a good time and be part of the community.

It was AMAZING (even if I say so myself) and feedback so far to the event as a whole has included the words:

"incredible....amazing......awesome.....lovely......wonderful......fun......joyful.....great.......loving.......caring......inspiring"

Its quite something isn't it when a group of individual people can come together with peaceful intent and a community spirit, combined with love and acceptance of others and a willingness and tendency to give from the heart. It allows us to see what is possible for humanity.

I am now interested take the ideas of community to expand into another space and am interested to work with the right people that are coming from the heart.

I feel that so many people in this country are disconnected to themselves and each other and I would love to be part of a wider change movement.

At this moment I am unclear as to where or when that will happen but I am waiting for the moment to show itself.

In the meantime LOVE LOVE LOVE

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

Organising a Festival - one week to go

2011-08-03T00:05:00.000+01:00

Well with just over a week to go the pace is hotting up. Phone calls and emails are increasing and people are starting ask more questions about the event and the workshops. The Heartbeat Group of organisers are in constant contact as decisions need to be made. Its all systems go now.

I've sent out emails to all the workshop leaders but some are having trouble reading them - I thought when I bought a new computer that sending emails would be easier not harder but now having to convert text, send as old files - the technology is doing my head in!!!!

But on the positive side I'm really looking forward to driving down to Gaunts House - the best bit being as I enter the gate with the little thatched cottage on the left and start to drive down the lane and its at that point that normally a wave of calm washes over me and I usually stop half way down the lane to just have a look around and listen to the silence.

As I approach the house I know that once i've settled in to my room and had my first hot drink I will feel like i've come home - because that is how Gaunts House feels to me nowadays, a bit like home. You know that feeling when you come in after work and you kick off our shoes and flop down......well that will be me.......flopping down on my favourite sofa just outside the library. I may just take a few moments there to enjoy a hot drink.

My workshop coordinator soul sister Roz Crampton will already be there (I hope) and we always have such fun together that I will look forward to seeing her and that's when I'll know that after a year of hard work the fun will soon begin.

A day later the vollies will be arriving. 2 of my friends are volunteering this year Sandy and Heather and Sandy's daughter Clare too - last year Sandy was amazing - after about 30 mins in the place she knew everyone and was a fantastic vollie working on the gate. This year she's bringing Clare along and I know they are going to have a ball together. Heather has got her wings ready - she will be an angel for 4 days and is already well suited to the job.

I think we are nearly there with our vollie numbers now, Georgia Stuart has done an amazing job of recruitment and i"m sure she'll be a great vollie coordinator. May still be room left if anyone still wants to come and volunteer but better get in quick.

Workshop leaders will start arriving on the Wednesday too and i'm looking forward to welcoming them in the ballroom at 8pm. There will be some familiar faces but quite a few new people too. Have had so many offers of workshops this year - its hard to fit everyone in but hopefully the programme will be excellent as the quality of workshop leaders is top class.

I will also be running 3 workshops myself. Starting off with Walking for Energy, Connection and Intention on the Thursday am I invite you all to join me in a walk through the woods, a chance to connect with nature, trees and the countryside and ending with a visit to Starhenge to set our intentions for the next four days. My other workshops will be Aspects of Love and the Six Thinking Hats.

Usually the Wednesday night the atmosphere is buzzing and I remember clearly last year going to visit my friends in their tents and yurts and chatting to everyone - the party started!!!! Sounds of the drums, guitars, singing, poetry, chanting....

Thursday morning more and more people will be arriving and pitching up in the camping field or going to check into the house - all of those that know Gaunts House will know that things tend to be chaotic there and chaos naturally leads to spontaneity and creativity.

Workshops will start on the Thursday am and at midday will be the opening ceremony. Last year apparently was the biggest number of people at the opening ceremony and i wonder if this year will be the same.

Four days of workshops, music, stalls, therapies, food, making new friends, connecting with old ones.......

I'm getting excited now and look forward to seeing as many of you there as possible.

http://www.gauntshouse.com/

My thoughts on Karma

2011-08-02T07:44:00.005+01:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot about karma how it can be a useful way to make sense of life experiences, thoughts and events.

If you are not familiar with the word Karma you may recognise some of the following statements (or even have your own ways of saying the same thing).

You reap what you sow

You get back what you give

It will all come home to you

Treat others as you wish to be treated

Do unto others what you you would like others to do unto you

The concept of karma is central to the Hindu and Buddhist religions who believe in reincarnation as the means to spiritual renewal. Karma is a Sanskrit word that means action. It is neither judge nor jury. It is simply the universal law of cause and effect that says every thought, act, word or deed carries an energy in the world which affects our present reality. For example, if we say something hurtful to another person they will feel the negativity of our words. If you give encouragement to another then they will feel valued. If somebody speaks badly of you then you might feel upset or confused too.

Karma is the stone that causes future ripples in the soul's life stream and the fruits of karma may be seen immediately or may take time or even many cycles of reincarnated lives to manifest. There is both positive and negative karma and we are all responsible and accountable for the karma we create for ourselves which can relate to spiritual lessons from our past and present lives.

THE RIPPLE EFFECT

It is my belief that our souls are connected to the universe: we are not a separate entity existing alone. The "self" or "I/ego" is part of a wider cosmos made up of various elements. We are a product of and mutually dependent on many variables:

We exist because our parents made us and they exist because of their parents before and so on therefore we have the genetic input and memory of many souls before us.
We need air, water and food to survive all of which constitute their own energetic make-up.
We rely on the nurturance of others as babies to develop into healthy independence and this nurturance will be a reflection of the nurturance of those before us and will affect how we view the world.
Our ability to live in society depends on our awareness of and discipline to social mores.

We are all part of an overall network of various elements such as family, genes, talents, personalities, social connections, social environment, world conditions and natural phenomena.

The working out of our life involves our understanding of how we relate to ourselves and others and how our karma comes back to us depends on our actions.

It is based on a principal that individual behaviour will mirror universal patterns. The tiniest act, a thought for example, can have an enormous impact......the ripple effect...... The energies of all our thoughts and actions have the potential for change above and beyond ourselves and our own lives. An examination of our individual karma can offer clues about our own purpose here on earth. It may include intuitions into the psychic streams of our past lives and can help us to create a future for ourselves that we wish for.

More understanding about the lessons learnt so far and the reasons why we might have needed to learn them will allow us to move forward with new possibilities. Understanding can lead to choice - for example in letting go of old habits and instead welcoming new ideas.

When we take a positive approach to live, acting with good intention, not holding onto negativity or resentments but moving into forgiveness and acceptance we are offering ourselves an opportunity to clear bad karma.

On a more global level what we do, say and think will create a result out there in the universe. That result is karma. We are all responsible and accountable for our actions on a spiritual level. For example living in a divided world where one group of people manipulates for financial gains or believe themselves to be superior to others will have a negative effect and actions that follow may be attributed to the karma of all concerned.

Thoughts and actions have energy and if we want to live in a more loving conscious caring world then we need to put out positive energy, actions and thoughts for global good.

How will I know my good actions are being noticed:

Actions and rewards will not always be apparent - if you behave with good intention then there will be a positive outcome even though you may not be aware of it.

If bad things happen to me does it mean I have bad karma or I deserve what I get:

Everything happens for a reason. For instance you might fall out with someone you worked with and end up having to leave a job - that might be a difficult situation for you. In that difficult space you have an opportunity rethink about your values and goals and any lessons you learnt from the falling out. These new insights will take you forward onto new paths in your life. A bad situation does not have to lead to another bad situation.

However, if your life has been full of tragedy or illness then maybe you have a lesson to learn about being strong or patience or resilience. That seems harsh to say and in truth I don't know why really bad things happen to some people while others seem to sail through life. If you are reading this and feel your life has been particularly hard then try and feel the love and support of those around you to help you find your courage and in that courage find meaning for your own life in a positive way.

Is changing Karma possible?

Yes, because karma means action (not in-action). If we think about our soul being on a journey then our karma can guide us and help us along the way so we are able to learn the lessons needed for this lifetime.

When you understand your unique path you can adjust your actions accordingly. Our own karma (actions) connect with cause and effect and we have the choice to unlock patterns to choose a better path for ourselves.

When karma becomes problematic it is usually connected to our attachment to intense emotions such as fear, hatred, resentment and love. If we cling to feelings they accumulate and settle in our minds and will continue to exert influence on us. If they are embedded or stuck or become obsessional they can carry on from one experience to another (even across lifetimes).

Not being attached to thoughts, the results of actions or other people - just doing and just being is the most effective way to transcend karma and make spiritual progress. The Buddhist "art of non-attachment".

Some famous quotes about Karma:

How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours Wayne Dyer

My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand Thich Nhat Hanh

Men are not punished for their sins, but by them Elbert Hubbard

There are the waves and there is the wind, seen and unseen forces. Everyone has these same elements in their lives, the seen and unseen, karma and free will Kuan Yin

Life gravity, karma is so basic we don't even notice it Sakyong Mipham

Before you begin on the journey of revenge, dig two graves Proverb

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

Being at One with the Universe

2011-06-09T23:26:00.002+01:00

Taking time to connect to the wonders of the universe allows us to see the beauty surrounding us all

When we spend all our time thinking about this or that we are living in our heads and not in our bodies. By that I mean our thoughts dominate and control our lives. For example, when we wake up we might think about all the things we have to get done in a day, work that needs doing, deadlines to achieve, people to call, chores that need attending to. We can find ourselves rushing around from one place to another or from one person to another without giving ourselves time to connect with the moment we are in or enjoy breaks or mealtimes. At these times we might feel stressed or under pressure to perform. Its so easy to become stuck in the rat race of life. Going round and round and never seeming to have time to even catch your breath.

We may think that one day (some time in the future) all will be ok. That one day our lives will suddenly improve perhaps when we are retired or when we have saved enough money to work part time or move house to a better neighbourhood or perhaps when our kids have grown up and we have more freedom. We chase success or search for happiness from external sources or from other people who we believe will make us happy if only they would do this or that.

Its easy to think that because it justifies our existence as busy busy people - busy busy people who are too busy to relax, slow down and smell the roses.

Life can feel challenging. Our heads ache and our bodies suffer.

We don't have to wait to find happiness. We don't have to look outside ourselves either.

All you have is within you - right where you are.

Take time to slow down and connect with the present moment - the NOW - the only place we can ever be. We can't live in the past or the future. We can only live in the moment we are in and to truly experience life we need to fully experience ourselves

Try this:

Stand still for a moment or sit down and connect with your environment wherever you are

Breathe deeply and slowly feeling the air in your lungs as it enters and leaves your body.

Feel your feet connect to the floor and feel the weight in your legs

Be still

Be aware of sounds around you but don't judge them - just notice them

Be still

Allow your thoughts to drift above you like clouds

Empty your mind and reconnect with your body

Feel the rise and fall of your breath

Feel your connection to the environment around you

Be aware of yourself as part of a wider world

Connect to the energies of the wider world, to the trees and the sky and the earth

Feel the connection grow stronger

to all the elements that surround us

Feel the calm

www.andreaharrn.co.uk

Organising a Festival

2011-06-08T06:47:00.011+01:00

For two years now I have been involved in the organisation of a festival at Gaunts House as part of the Heartbeat team. I am the workshop coordinator for the event organising over 130 workshops over 4 days plus running my own workshop. Gaunts is home to a Community of Profound Learning (CPL) - a spiritually based and holistic minded group of free thinkers committed to exploring and supporting the evolution of consciousness.

The festival is called the Gaunts House Summer Gathering and started its life as a meet up for everyone connected to the Gaunts Community to come together for 1 week in the summer to share a beautiful experience together and learn from each other. This includes all the current and past workshop leaders and participants of workshops throughout the year, the wider Gaunts Community, ex-community members, retreatants, Wwoofers, trustees and anyone and everyone connected to Gaunts House. It is also an opportunity for people to come to Gaunts for the first time and get a sense of what its all about and experience community life.

It has evolved throughout the years and grown in popularity and standing to become an event that is "the place to be" for some of the greatest workshop leaders in the UK and worldwide to join the community at Gaunts in Wimborne for 4 days of workshops, music, stalls, a bit of a cross between a festival, a retreat and a garden party.

My 2010 workshop

Recital in the Ballroom

Mad Hatters Tea Party

Praying for the Rain

Every year we look forward to meeting up and renewing connections but also take please in welcoming new people to the event to widen the community and sense of connection.

Last year over 1000 people attended and feedback was amazing. This year we hope to see everyone back once more and meet lots of new people too.

The event takes place in the grounds of the stately Gaunts House in Wimborne Dorset.

Rainbow Tree

You can camp in the beautiful grounds of the estate or stay in the mansion house above.

My role is to coordinate and organise over 130 workshops from Yoga to shamanic trance, ecstatic dancing, sound workshops, astrology, singing, dancing, bushcraft, healing, chanting, face painting, talks, performances, peace ceremonies...............Gong baths to sacred flute workshops. the list goes on and on. I will also be running my own workshop at the event.

Me and my own kids at the festival last year

People can stay in the house (which I always do) - there is a swimming pool and sauna too. For those of you that are Festival fans you will liken this to a GREEN FIELD gathering.

Go once and you'll be back every year - ideal for singles, couples and families. A place for connection, inspiration, self-development, creativity and fun.

To book tickets call Gaunts House direct on tel: 01202 841522

or email: admin@gauntshouse.com

Hope to see you there.

We are ALSO looking for 100 volunteers to join the community at the beginning of August to help set up and then work at the event. Lots of different jobs will be on offer such as: catering, housekeeping, security/gates, grounds, working in the information tent, working with teens or under 12s, being a workshop angel and lots more so plenty of chance to get involved with the whole event This is a really good opportunity for anyone out there that is looking to volunteer this year for fun or work experience. We are looking for people of all ages from 18+.

So if you are looking for something different to do with your life this year, or maybe know someone that is looking for a chance for work experience and a life changing opportunity at the same time, then this is it.

Main requirements to being a volunteer: reliability and commitment to work with myself and others to help organise and run a beautiful, peaceful, loving event.

PLEASE PASS this on to anyone that you feel would suit being part of an open-hearted event of this kind.

Hope to see you there.

Andrea

http://www.andreaharrn.co.uk/

Ten Top Tips for Assertiveness During Divorce Proceedings

2011-06-08T06:15:00.003+01:00

Going through a divorce or separation can be very difficult and challenging for most people. Being assertive will help you to approach divorce with a positive attitude that can help create an environment where all parties get their needs met. It is not about aggression or revenge, but about the way we communicate and our ability to stand up for ourselves and to say how we feel when we need to.

The following TEN TIPS will help you to remain assertive and behave in a way that is effective, respectful and beneficial to yourself and others:

1. Expressing your opinions and feelings

Do so in a clear way whilst at the same time asking the other person what they think and feel. Your opinions count and your feelings are important. If you find yourself becoming angry, aggressive or despondent you have the option to stop the conversation and continue at a later date.

2. Be clear

About what you want whilst considering the needs and wants of the other party. This includes stating your position and priorities and listening to the other persons position and priorities. Put yourself in their shoes!

3. Take your Time

Spend time thinking about positive outcomes for you both and be open to the other persons opinions and thoughts on this. Try to be accepting of the situation as it is.

4. Say No without feeling guilty

Do not allow yourself to be pressurized or bulldozed into agreeing things or making decisions until you are ready to do so. If necessary ask for more time. Remember you have the law on your side and you have the right and choice to contact a lawyer if you feel you are getting out of your depth and need specialist professional help in this regard.

5. Talk at the same level

Body language communicates over 50% of the message. Give eye to eye contact and keep movement to a minimum. Avoid finger pointing or moving into the personal space of others which will only raise defences and antagonize.

6. Breathe deeply and calmly

If you feel stressed and under pressure take a long deep breath. When you feel calmer you will be able to see things more clearly and when you respond your voice tone will convey a more assertive message. Try slowing down your speech. Raised voices will automatically put the other person in a defensive position ready to fight their corner.

7. Think before you react

It is not always helpful to respond immediately to a situation. Take some time to assess the situation before you give your response. Time will allow you to take an overview of events rather than making snap responses or decisions under pressure.

8. See the bigger picture

You can choose not to assert yourselves at times when it would be better not to say anything (i.e. is there any point in being critical or petty over small things). Think about how you would like things to be five years from now! Calm or Conflict? Your choice! Start the process now.

9. Mind your language

Use language that defuses rather than escalates a situation. Language like: you should you did you must you cant can be seen as accusing, patronizing or bossy and will be likely to cause the other person to react defensively.

Assertiveness statements might be:

I appreciate your point of view .. and this is what I think about it

These are my thoughts on access arrangements, what are yours?

Non assertiveness statements might be:

Some people think that is not a good idea to go to Court (avoids giving your own opinion)

Dont you think we should divide everything 50:50 (again hints at what you might be thinking but do not say outright.

Be strong and clear in verbalizing your thoughts

10. Support Yourself with Positive Thoughts

Give yourself strong messages about who you are and what you stand for rather than being afraid of what people may think of you, or being critical of what you think others are doing to you.

For example, tell yourself the following:

I am a strong person
I am a good parent
I am capable
I am supportive to those around me (including the other party)
I want the best for everyone
I make mistakes sometimes like all other human beings
I forgive myself for the past

If you fail to assert yourself you may not get your needs met you will probably go through situations again and again in your mind, regretting things said, beating yourself up, telling yourself if only Id said this or done that

It is your right to be assertive.

http://www.andreaharrn.co.uk/

Two Pints of Happiness and a Packet of Crisps?

2011-06-07T21:43:00.004+01:00

We can all be happy but some of us have forgotten the feeling. This article will help you to reconnect with your happiness

For many years we have been sold the idea that happiness will be ours if only we have the latest gadget, car, lifestyle, mobile phone etc. These ideas have been fed to us via myth and media and have fuelled consumerism and the desire to gain a happy status or identity in a material world. Whilst it’s important to have goals and challenges the reality is that in chasing the dream many of us have forgotten how to be happy. We are either caught up in a rat race, chasing our tails or maybe we have lost sight of the race altogether and given up on life being the way we want it.

Happiness is not a commodity to be bought and sold and if it could be bottled what price could we put on it.

THE GOOD NEWS is that we can all be happy, no matter where or what you are doing at this time in your life you can be happy.

Happiness is a state of mind that enables positive energy to flow freely through our physical body.

When you have thoughts of happiness this will trigger happy feelings inside and the happier we feel gives us more potential to feel even happier. Its the mind body connection - even thinking about something happy will trigger and release endorphins in the brain which will react to each positive thought and turn it into a happy feeling of positive energy inside your body. When you feel happy you will think, act and behave in a more positive way, which will release yet more endorphins, and so the cycle will continue. Your brain knows the difference between positive and negative. It also knows that positive energy needs happy feelings

The following TEN TIPS will help you to connect with happiness

1. Become fully present in the NOW

Many people find themselves caught up in thoughts of the past and the future, ruminating and worrying about what’s been and gone or what’s to come, which stops you from gaining the most from your life.

Focus instead on this moment in time, where you are now – ask yourself – at this particular moment do I have anything to worry about. Learn to be mindful and raise your conscious awareness of where you are in the moment. When you can accept what is without resistance you will find calm and happiness within. Letting go of worries, stress and anxiety will lead to a happier you.

If there is a problem and you can do something about it then you don’t need to worry because you can act to resolve the problem. If there’s a problem and you can’t do anything about it then there’s no point in worrying because there’s nothing you can do about it anyway.

2. Create a well of happiness within

To start this think back to the last time you were happy, close your eyes and take your mind back to where you were. What do you remember seeing, who was there? What sounds do you remember? Any tastes or smells associated with that experience? Using all your senses re-create that moment in your mind. Now breathe into that feeling and let your body sink into the happy feelings.

3. Think about what makes you Happy

Make a Happiness List to include everything you can think of that promotes or promoted happy feelings inside you. This list may include being around certain people or doing certain activities, having goals or perhaps doing nothing at all. Take your time to make the list until you have a good list in front of you (try to find at least ten examples). If you find this hard then try and remember what you enjoyed when you were much younger as it may be that you will still enjoy that experience now.

3. Look at your Happiness List

Go through each point on your list and think about the last time you experienced that situation. Against each point write an example of a happy memory associated with it. With each example take some time to go back to that memory for just a few moments (or more) and re-experience it. Place that happy memory into your well of happiness.

4. Look for what is Missing

If there’s anything that is not on your list that you would like to see there add it to your list even if its not present at the moment in your life. For example if you’ve always wanted to travel or see the world but haven’t done that yet – put it on the list. There may be things on your list that you haven’t done for ages or not given enough time to lately.

5. List the Obstacles

Ask yourself why you no longer do X, Y or Z. Make a list of the reasons or obstacles that stop you. Many people get so caught up in doing life that they forget to just “be” alive. When you list the obstacles be honest with yourself about the answers. If there are underlying fears or anxieties stopping you then list those too. Once you can face your obstacles they will reduce in power.

6. Find Solutions

This step may mean making an inventory of your life and your attitudes towards life. It may also involve a radical shift towards a more balanced life style. If you want to find happiness then bring back the things that make you happy. If necessary put some changes in place.

8. Be Yourself

You are not in this world to please others and they are not in this world to please you. Imagine you could live your life not being judged or criticised for the person you are. Stop judging yourself and start being kind and compassionate to the person you are and let that person be free.

9. Find New Meaning

Look for more ways to be happy. Find new ways to connect with others. Look for opportunities to give through random acts of kindness or charity work. Set yourself meaningful goals and challenges. Accept your life as an opportunity for learning about yourself and the world around you.

10. Think about the Following:

If you feel happy inside you will experience a calm sense of wellbeing.

If you feel happy inside you won't be looking to other people to act, do things or behave in certain ways.

If you feel happy inside you will feel more confident and able to do things for yourself

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WHAT IS PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR?

2011-06-07T17:34:00.002+01:00

Put simply passive aggressive behaviour can be described as a silent form of aggression. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. It may involve, shutting off verbally, it may involve angry looks, obvious changes in behaviour, being obstructive, sulky or stonewalling. It is characterized by an indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, evading, pouting, or deliberately creating confusion.

A passive aggressive individual doesn't always exhibit outward anger or appear malicious. At first glance, the behaviour might appears unassuming, gracious and benevolent; underneath there may be manipulation - hence the term "Passive-Aggressive".

Passive aggression is a destructive pattern of behaviour that can be seen as a form of emotional abuse in relationships that bites away at trust between people.

It is a creation of negative energy in the atmosphere which is clear to those involved and can create immense hurt and pain to those on the receiving end.

It is a manifestation of emotions and feelings that are being repressed on a self-imposed need for either dependence, acceptance or further avoidance of conflict and is marked by a persistent pattern of negative attitudes and passive resistance in interpersonal or work situations.

It can either be covert (concealed and hidden) or overt (blatant and obvious).

Some examples of passive aggression might be:

Procrastination intentionally putting off important tasks for less important ones

Obstructing deliberately delaying or preventing an event or process of change

Fear of Competition Avoiding situations where one party may be seen as the winner

Ambiguity Being unclear, cryptic, not engaging wholeheartedly or honestly

Sulking Being silent, sullen and resentful because of a perceived wrongdoing in order to gain sympathy.

Chronic Lateness A way to exert control over situations and others

Chronic Forgetting Shows a blatant disregard for others and is a form of punishment

Fear of Intimacy Often passive aggressive people have issues of trust in others and guard against becoming too intimately attached

Making Excuses Always coming up with reasons for non-performance

Victimisation Unable to look at their own part in a situation will turn the tables to become the victim and will behave like one

Blaming Blaming others for situations rather than being able to take responsibility for their actions or being able to take an objective view of the situation as a whole.

Withholding usual behaviours or roles for example stopping cooking and cleaning or making cups of tea, running a bath etc. all to reinforce an already unclear message to the other party

Learned Helplessness where a person continually acts like they can’t help themselves which can include deliberate and repeated failures to accomplish requested tasks for which they are often explicitly responsible

Passive aggression is a defence mechanism that people use to protect themselves. This behaviour might be automatic and stem from early experiences. What they are protecting themselves from will be unique and individual to each person; although might include underlying feelings of rejection, low self-worth, fear and insecurity.

Patterns of unassertive and passive behavior are learnt in childhoodas a coping strategy possibly as a response to parents who exercised complete control and did not let their child express themselves. To cope, a child will adopt a passive-aggressive behavior pattern.

For example if a child was punished for openly expressing their feelings or disagreeing with their parents the child would learn to substitute open expression for passive resistance. If there was a consistent pattern within the family of punishment or rejection for asserting themselves the child would learn to become highly skilled at passively rebelling.

It has however also been listed as a personality disorder not otherwise specified in the DSM-IV (Appendix B) although there is controversy around it and need for further research on categorization of behaviours.

The DSM-IV Appendix B definition is as follows:

A pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicted by four (or more) of the following:

1. Passively resists fulfilling routine social and occupational tasks
2. Complains of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others
3. Is sullen and argumentative
4. Unreasonably criticizes and scorns authority
5. expresses envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate
6. Voices exaggerated and persistent complaints of personal misfortune
7. Alternates between hostile defiance and contrition

A passive aggressive person may appear to be polite and friendly on the surface but this may hide a manipulative behaviour within their personality. It could also show as stubbornness or a polite unwillingness to agree with a situation.

In the workplace a passive-aggressive employee or employer may use these techniques as a form of intimidation. The worker will sulk when given jobs to do or may simply take an excessive amount of time to do them. By doing so, he or she is showing annoyance by using passive-aggressive behaviour in the hope that by demonstrating this behaviour they will not be asked to do those tasks again. Employers can also use passive aggression when confronted with employee problems, turning a blind eye, not facing facts or dealing with genuine cases of bullying and intimidation. This avoidant behaviour can be very damaging to individuals and teams of individuals within organisations.

Consequences of Passive Aggressive Behaviour

When on the receiving end of passive aggression, one can feel confused, upset, offended, guilty and frustrated

You may leave the encounter thinking you did something wrong, but aren't quite sure what it was.

It creates insecurity in all parties

It creates a bad atmosphere between people

It is a form of conflict where either both or one party cannot engage sensibly in the issues

It avoids the real issues

It creates negative feelings and resentments in an unassertive way

Tips to help you overcome the effects of passive aggressive behaviour

If you have got this far in the article then passive aggression is an area of interest to you and possibly a problem in your life or the life of someone close to you. The first step to overcoming this problem is an awareness of what passive aggression is and a willingness to take responsibility for your actions and reactions.

Five tips for overcoming your own passive-aggressive behaviours:

1 Become aware of the underlying feelings causing your behaviour
2 Become aware of the impacts of your behaviour and how your desire to defeat others, get back at them or annoy them creates yet further uncomfortable feelings for yourself
3 Learn to be assertive in expressing yourself
4 Try to not feel attacked when faced with a problem but instead take an overall objective view of the situation
5 Communicate with honesty and truth and strengthen your relationships

Five tips for coping with the passive-aggressive behaviour of others:

1 Become aware of how passive aggression operates
2 Be aware of your responses to others and yourself– do not blame yourself for the behaviour and reaction of others
3 Be honest about your part in the situation
4 Try to communicate calmly without blaming – i.e. talk about how you feel and what you think without using language that will enflame the situation more. For example you might say “I feel upset by your behaviour” rather than “you’ve done this or that”
5 Don’t allow the negativity of others to seep into your soul – stay strong and focused and get on with your life in a positive way.