Lee Life and Lessons

Sick-Day Outing Gone Bad

2012-02-14T19:50:00.000-08:00

There was rain in the forecast yesterday and the boys were sick, but we were all desperate to get out of the house. After eating two meals, a snack, doing a craft, napping Derek, building Legos, constructing toilet paper towers, wiping Niagara Snot every 30 seconds, and breaking up UFC fights between the boys in small living space, I thought it would be better to take a break from PhlegmFest 2012 and get some fresh air, even if meant getting rained on.

As I loaded the kids in the car, I didn't really know where we were going. But as we drove, I thought we could grab some ice cream and fries and eat them by the lake under the gazebo. That way, the kids could enjoy the treat and some nice scenery, Derek could walk around in a contained area, and we could stay dry if it rained.

Well, we got there and I realized the gazebo wouldn't really shield us from rain.

But that's beside the point.

We set out the treats and were ready to enjoy the much-needed break.

Things were going well. The kids were stoked. I applauded myself for the genius idea and nominated myself for Most Innovative Mommy of February.

But then, Audrey yelled, "There's lots of poo!" I turned around and noticed that indeed, there was lots of poo on the ground. Someone let their very big dog unload many many logs of poo. Correction: someone let a pack of wolves excrete all over the gazebo floor.

Knowing that Derek would either step on it or grab it after I let him loose, I decided to clean it up. Once again, I gave myself a medal of honor because I had asked the drive-thru guy at McDonalds to give me some extra napkins. So I took the napkins and picked up as many logs I could. Unfortunately, it must have been freshly squeezed because the excrement quickly bled through the napkins. That didn't stop me though because I thought that wads of poo in stained napkins in my hand were better than Derek eating animal dung.

Unfortunately, I ran out of napkins so there was still quite a bit of poo left on the ground. And of course, there was no trash can nearby, so what did I do with the handfuls of feces? I stuck them in the McDonalds bag to throw away later.

I hoped I'd be able to get away with just keeping Derek in the stroller the whole time.

But he was getting fussy and demanded to be unbuckled, so I let him out and tried to keep an eye on him while feeding Marcus at the same time.

The minefield of poo was one issue, but I didn't foresee Derek trying to climb the railing and jump in the water.

This put Audrey on high alert. Her mothering instinct kicked in so she left behind her sundae to protect Derek from slipping through the rail on one side, and playing with poo on the other.

Meanwhile, Marcus spilled his ice cream on himself and I quickly searched for remnants of clean napkin to avoid a sensory meltdown. All the while, Audrey was screaming in fear as Derek was squealing in delight.

Quickly after, I started screeching because I noticed that Derek's pants were completely drenched with what seemed like a 6-pack of urine. Of course, I had no change of clothes and I couldn't let him waddle around sans pants due to the wind that only seemed to be getting stronger.

Audrey called out for help, so I left Marcus to run to her aid. But as she and I were both shielding Derek from all sorts of danger, Stevie Wonder was yelling, "Feed me my ice cream! And with a strawberry!"

After a couple rounds of running back and forth to block Derek from wolf feces and spoon Marcus' strawberry sundae into his mouth, I decided it was time to pack up and go home. So I shoved my pee-drenched son into his puddled stroller seat.

And I asked Audrey to grab the McDonald's bag. She asked if there was poo in it. "Yes, my child. Please help Mommy and grab the bag of poo."

Thankfully, we found a trashcan not too far off and we disposed of the bag of poo.

And girl don't waste no ice cream sundae, even if it's melted.

SO, walking back to the car with toddler urine and who-knows-what kind of beastly animal's dung on my hands, I looked at Audrey and said in an old man's nasally voice, "Well, THAT was interesting." And we both busted out in unstoppable laughter.

All the way to the car.

The grossness didn't stop there because today, Derek went diarrhea at Yogurtland. But of course, I had no wipes left to change his diaper because I had used them all up earlier in the car when I freakishly choked on my saliva and vomited out my lunch. With no cup or any other empty container on hand in the car, I caught my throw-up in my hands for the first round, then grabbed a receiving blanket to catch the rest. When it was all done, I put the nasty blanket in a small draw-string canvas bag to take home and wash.

So yesterday, we had the bag of poo. Today was the bag of puke. Tomorrow, Derek will eat a dirty diaper, I will somehow get camel snot on my hands, and we'll be carrying around a bag of I-don't-know-what.

ANYhow! Yesterday was an interesting day.

Well, it makes for good memories, an interesting blog post, and at least...it didn't rain.

Forget-Me-Nots

2012-02-09T21:31:00.000-08:00

Some random tidbits of family life I want to record so that I can look back on them and say, "Hey, I remember that!"

1. We sold our condo and found a great home to rent. Thank you, God! We are scheduled to move in a few weeks. I think I'm in denial because we haven't started packing at all.

2. I took the kids to see the outside of the new house today and as they always do when they hear good announcements, they all screamed in joy as we drove past in the car. Marcus screamed so loud and so intensely, he choked on his saliva.

3. Mike came home said, "I don't think I should drink blue Gatorade at work anymore." I asked why. He said, "Because my mouth turns blue." Then I couldn't stop giggling as I imagined him doing his corporate America thing all day with a blue mouth.

4. Derek is a capital P Punk! I'm afraid he's a classic 3rd child and now it's time to put the fear of God in him.

5. Alvin & the Chipmunks and The Sing Off have awakened Audrey to the world of pop music. She was humming Bad Romance while finishing a school project today. I was cooking dinner and joined her with some harmony. Then Mike, while watching the Laker game, decided to make it a 3-part harmony. I was surprised Audrey was able to keep the melody the whole time. It sounded pretty sweet.

6. After dinner last night, we were talking about Marcus turning 5 this year and then he shifted the conversation to talking about instruments. He kept asking what kinds of instruments could be in a band. We kept listing off as many we could and after "steel drum" and "harpsichord", I couldn't think of any other instruments in all of God's creation. But Marcus thought of a couple more while on the toilet. "Oh, mandolin! Oh, I know, castanets!" What a music freak! What other 4 year-old knows what castanets are?

I'm ending this random post with random pictures of our everyday, random life.

Remembering Maryland Grandpa

2012-02-08T23:02:00.000-08:00

I wish I got to know Mike's dad better. I wish our kids got to spend more time with him. I wish he got to see Derek before he passed.

We sang his favorite hymns together. He is singing them continuously now. I'm so thankful for my father-in-law.

Rare Isn't So Rare After All

2012-01-30T00:30:00.000-08:00

Before Audrey was born, I was a teacher at a high school with a high population of students with special needs. I remember sitting in on one of the moderate to severe special ed classes, taking notes for a paper I had to write. I left feeling proud to be part of a school that valued students like them, while also concluding that my only experience with this population would be as a teacher. Yes, I was one of those people who thought, "That will never happen to me or my kids..." It's not like I longed for my kids to be all-stars or Prom Queen or Valedictorian. I just wanted them to have a healthy, normal life.

Fast forward a few years...

1 in 100,000 was the statistic given to us when Marcus was diagnosed at 4 months old. Even the neurologist who gave us the diagnosis had to look up Joubert Syndrome because she had never come across it before. To be the only ones in our circle to have a child with a syndrome and on top of that, to be faced with a very rare one, made us feel dreadfully alone.

I've come across some new statistics recently.

- An estimated 350 million people are affected by rare disease worldwide.
- 1 in 10 Americans is affected by a rare disease. That's over 30 million people, which is greater than the total amount of people living worldwide with cancer.
- There are more than 7000 rare diseases with some of them affecting less than 100 people.
- 75% of rare diseases affect children.
- Almost 80% of rare diseases are genetic in origin.
- These conditions are chronic, life-threatening, and fatal. There are no cures for these diseases and only 5% of them have any type of treatment.
- Over 50% of rare diseases have no foundation, advocacy group, or community support.

The loneliness we felt after Marcus' diagnosis has diminished after realizing that the world we thought was caving in, was actually a new world that was opening up to us. Perhaps it was the world that Jesus saw...the one full of people who were sick and lowly.

I'm thankful that Joubert Syndrome has opened our eyes to the fact that millions of people are affected with sickness, pain, and loss. Because of Marcus, we've "met" and heard about the most courageous people from all over the world who are caring for loved ones, have buried loved ones, and who are also experiencing for themselves the immense challenges of disease. It's really the Prom Queen who lives rest of her life pain-free forever after that is the true rarity.

I'm writing this post to bring attention to World Rare Disease Day on February 29th, which is 30 days from now. The number 30 is significant because 30% of children with rare disease will die by their 5th birthday. And for many of these children and parents, there is very little support. If you know Marcus and have followed a bit of our journey, you know how thankful we are for the support we've received. To think there are families going through far greater challenges with little to no community (and medical) support weighs heavily on my heart.

Please help raise awareness for rare disease by visiting the Global Genes Project Facebook site. Their goal is to unite 1 million supporters and spread the word for rare disease. If you want to learn more, please visit the R.A.R.E Project site. To read more personal posts and how rare disease has affected others like Marcus, read along on the Blog-Hop by clicking on the blogs below this post.

Thank you, dear readers, for loving Marcus, loving our family, and for taking up issues like these that are close to our heart.

Remember, Ma?

2012-01-29T15:42:00.000-08:00

Without a doubt, Derek's birth is the most memorable of the 3 kids. Not just because it was the most recent one, but because it was the most anticipated. When Audrey and Marcus were born, I just expected for them to be healthy. But after Marcus' diagnosis of Joubert Syndrome and learning that any child of ours would have a 25% chance of having it, Derek's birth was a huge question mark and up until he was born, we didn't know what to expect.

I'm not sure why, but I've been thinking a lot lately about how Derek was born and how crazy it is that God would allow us to have him. I was about to look for this picture of him in the hospital. The one we took after the neonatal team checked him out, gave the "he's all good", and put him on my chest. He laid down on his side, steadily breathing on me as my heart beat at a surprisingly calm rate and our eyes locked. For having just entered the world, he was unusually alert and wide-eyed and as he looked at me, it was as if he said, "I'm here, Ma. I know you and Dad prayed like crazy for me. But it's okay. I'm okay. You don't have to worry."

But then I realized it was a picture never taken on film, but a mental picture, which are the best ones for sure. The kind that are in vivid 3-D color, etched on my heart for a long long while.

Yes, God was gentle with us. He allowed Derek to be free of Joubert Syndrome and all the challenges that come with it. Yet, I pray God nurtures in him some of the characteristics that his older brother has because of Joubert Syndrome. Courage, persistence, hard-work, humility, and love to name a few. I also pray God will nurture in him some of the things his older sister has had to learn from Joubert Syndrome as well, such as patience, selflessness, understanding, and unconditional love.

These days, I feel like there's a silent understanding between Derek and me.

When he's not toddling around and getting into trouble, his beady little asian eyes look up at mine as if to say, "Remember? Remember when we met? So yeah, I told you not to worry about me struggling with Joubert Syndrome. But you see, there will be plenty of other things I have planned to keep you on your toes. Just wait and see."

Gladly, my son.

Pause

2012-01-13T22:41:00.000-08:00

Daily life can get complicated and busy and full of lots and lots of stuff to take care of. Not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. Just like many of you, there's been a lot for me to juggle recently, taking care of A & B while C & D are in mid-air, then catching C & D on my lap so I can attend to E & F for a little while before it's time to catch A & B again.

But yesterday, it was as if time froze, I was able to step away from A through F, to be led to Z. A Facebook friend posted a link to this little boy's story. If you can, please read about Tripp, his amazing mom, and lift up a prayer for them.

And then today, another time-freeze moment for me. Marcus got his new glasses yesterday. They are prism glasses with a little bit of a prescription as well. He wasn't too thrilled at first, but today, he asked to wear them in the morning. Here's a short list of all the things he said while wearing his new specs:

- Everything looks so color-y.

- Look at the trees!

- May I wear them a little longer?

- I look like Daddy.

- Telling the Trader Joe's clerk: I got new glasses. They're cool!

And my favorite...
Me: Is God helping you see?
Marcus: Yes, God is helping me see through the glasses.

I'm very thankful to have been able to pause from the daily juggling act to experience two totally different sides of the emotional spectrum. Sadness and grief for a child I've never met, and joy and gratefulness for a child of my own. But I'm seeing how many times, my thankfulness is born of my grief. Although my burden will never ever compare to the weight that Tripp's mom carries, there is a contentment that only blooms in areas of my heart that have been tilled with despair. So I'm praying for her...that she will somehow know a peace that surpasses all understanding because she's going through a pain that only few can fathom.

I Want To Be Like My Kids

2012-01-05T21:52:00.000-08:00

I really shouldn't be blogging right now because I've got a bunch of paperwork to fill out, the laundry is cuh-ray-zee, and I should get to bed at a decent time, so this will be a quicky:

Just realized something about my kids while flipping through some older pics: My kids have very little idea about the weight I carry in my heart on their behalf. They don't know that I worry about A, B, & C.

Marcus doesn't know that I want to cry when I see him work so hard.

He doesn't know how often my soul is anxious when thinking about his future. (Below: Marcus with his PT, Mr. Mark, who is the bomb.)

He's just simply living his life as a 4 year old boy. Happy, full of life, abounding in joy through the simplest of things.

This one is blissfully content to have something to eat everyday, a place to sleep, and a family to play with.

And this one? She is all good, as long as she knows she's loved. (Below: Audrey circa 2006?)

And that's how I want to be. To be content, at peace, and abounding in joy because all my needs have been met through Christ who continues to pour out His love on my every single day. There is nothing to want because He's got it all taken care of. That's what my kids are teaching me.

Grateful Blogger Here

2012-01-01T23:41:00.000-08:00

I didn't know when I opened my Xanga account 7 years ago, that blogging would be such a blessing for me. I also didn't know that we would have Marcus in our lives and that through him, we would learn so much, have a whole new world opened to us, and "meet" such beautiful people who were also raising children with special needs or going through different trials of their own.

Thanks for reading along and sharing in this journey with us. Thank you, also, for your prayers, emails, encouragement, and your undeserved generosity to me and my family. We are unbelievably blessed by you...more than you'll ever know!

What Happens When You Give Your Son Your Camera

2011-12-30T16:45:00.000-08:00

Taking pictures with my camera is one of Marcus' latest hobbies.

He had an impromptu photo shoot one day. Of course, he snapped pics of his beloveds

Our humble tree

My feet

Me playing his first love

And then he wanted to just takes pictures of his ol' lady.

I don't know how to work a lens unless I'm behind it, so I felt weird just smiling and taking beauty shots. I mean, how many different ways can one smile? So in order to oblige him, I had to improvise.

Tyra would never call me fierce, so I went with this instead.

It's so sad that there are already so few pictures of me and now I get to add these to our archives.

Our children will look back on these pictures, wondering what Mom looked like when they were kids and voila, they'll see this.

But I feel the most sorry for my husband.

He may have told people that he's married to a sweet, demure little thing.

So now that I'm pinning myself as a freak on the world wide web, I'm afraid that Mike's reputation will be on the line.

Honey, I love you.

Just think back to the days when you thought I was cute.

If you're embarrassed, I promise I'll go to the mall and take some Glamour Shots and post them on your Facebook wall.

But at least I had on a little bit of makeup.

And wore my nicer sweats.

I love you so so much. And I'm honored that you want to grow old with me.

And call me your one true love, your greatest treasure in this life.

Because that's how I feel about you.

Alright, done with the photo shoot.

The photographer gives his smile of approval.

I normally don't ask for feedback on my posts, but would you mind commenting, texting, calling, writing me a letter, messaging me on Facebook, sending me a telegram to let me know that you're still my friend? If you're new to my blog and don't know me in person, have I just shooed you away? Were you expecting deep lessons on raising a child with special needs and now you're just appalled? Let me know. Thanks.

To relieve you of your utter disgust, I leave you with someone far cuter.

Okay, I'm going into hiding now. So long.

Take A Walk On The Normal Side

2011-12-28T22:05:00.000-08:00

It all started with us hanging around outside.

Big D was testing out his new walking legs while Audrey was quarrying her rocks for her fledgling business (see previous post for details).

Marcus was enjoying the fresh air as well, cruising around like he knows he's hot stuff.

Little by little, we started walking further from our house.

Farther than Marcus has ever walked from our front door.

And that's when Mike and I realized we were on a walk.

Like a "we're not pushing a stroller", real kind of walk. So we headed for the college behind our neighborhood, not really sure how far we'd make it. Not really sure how far Marcus would make it.

We'd tried things like this before, but Marcus either couldn't steer himself well enough, lacked endurance, or preferred to be pushed around. But this time, there was no coaxing involved. It all came so naturally and Marcus was just ready.

Audrey, always ready to burn off some energy, led the way.

And Derek was as ready as could be, keeping up the best he could.

We walked on rocks,

And dry grass,

Where we let them loose

On the way back, Big Poppa was the first to get tired

And the Champ's legs started to expire at the last stretch

Although his smile was still going strong

When we got back home, I told Mike that I needed that little outing. Heavy-hearted due to several JS families struggling with severe needs for their children and feeling a general spiritual malaise, I felt like God breathed a little fresh air into me by allowing us to enjoy our first ever family walk. What a typical family would consider normal and unspectacular is to us normal and extraordinary.

It's amazing how special needs has given me a profound appreciation for the details of life that I used to overlook. And it's amazing how God can use these ordinary experiences to water my soul during the weary seasons.

Audrey's Lesson On Finance

2011-12-26T21:11:00.000-08:00

Like many other 6 year olds, Audrey loves to collect things and loves to make signs. The other day, she combined the two passions. After scavenging around for rocks, she put them on display with a hand-crafted sign.

In case you don't read 1st grade English, it says, "rocks for sale" and "no money money money". In other words, FREE. Once she opened up shop, she stuck around on the big rock and as each neighbor strolled by, she gave them a good stare, wondering if they'd take her up on the offer. I think I remember her even laying on the rock, Cleopatra style, modeling next to her goods. But still, no one was interested.

We went for a walk and on our way back, she was excited to see how many rocks were left, but was disappointed that they were all still there. And to make matters worse, she heard some "big kids" walk by, read her sign, and giggle. This just tore her up. How could NOBODY want her free rocks?!

Christmas morning, on our way out to church, Audrey was the first one out the door. After inspecting her display, she ran to tell me that someone actually took a rock and not only that, left her 3 coins. Twenty cents! It must have been a neighborhood Santa who put Audrey on the "nice" list for so generously offering her rocks free of charge. To Audrey, it was a veritable Christmas miracle.

Walking back home after church, she was still talking about the wonderment of it all and how she made 20 cents overnight. I saw dollar signs in her eyes. I guess right after that, she went outside to amend her sign, because today, I found it like this:

Translation: "Ain't nobody be taking my rocks for free if I can make a profit!"

Notice also that the rocks are now nicely organized by size. Pretty soon, she'll be selling ad space on the big rock. Little Miss Audrey is now in it to make some dough, people.

We were out for the better part of the day today and on the way back, she was looking forward to seeing a mountain of cash on the big rock. But uh....not so much.

So she made more changes to her sign yet again:

Translation: "The rocks are still 20 cents, but if I'm not here to receive your payment, go ahead and take one for no money money money."

I Should Have Told Them

2011-12-21T23:17:00.000-08:00

Conversations I should have had before putting our house on the market:

Hey, Derek. When strangers come over to look at our house, don't worry. They're not here to abduct you, so you can chill out.

Hey, Audrey. It might not be the most helpful thing to throw your clothes all over the floor when Mommy's frantically trying to tidy up before a showing. And if you're going to throw your clothes on the floor, try not to have the pants inside out with the pant legs still through your used underwear. Thanks.

Hey, Marcus. The people coming over to look at our house are not coming over to play with you. So you don't have to keep yelling "Hi!" really loud and start talking to them about how well you decorated the Christmas tree. Oh, and you don't have to rush to the piano and start playing all your songs because they probably didn't come over for a recital. Thanks for the background music though.

Hey, Audrey. Even though there have been lots of Asians visiting our house, you don't have to notice the Caucasians coming through the door and say, "WHAT!? They're not Chinese!!"

Oh and Marcus, when the Caucasians are looking around, you don't have to give them a lesson on Korean cuisine and declare, "I'm eating MEE YUK GOOK!" with bits of seaweed all over your teeth.

Alrighty, kids. Thanks. Love ya.

What The Kids Have Been Up To Lately

2011-12-21T23:03:00.000-08:00

Finally doing a little bit of Christmas decorating

Accidentally bah-humbugging

Having a deep conversation with my daughter while she plays computer games

Me: How are you?

Auj: I love you too.

Me: What are you doing?

Auj: Good.

Multi-tasking

Extreme multi-tasking (hey, it's the only way we get to school on time some days)

Cracking up at Daddy

Needing a haircut

Melting my heart!

Bruce Lee-ing

Exotic photographing

Everyday-ing

Instagram: mrssuelee

Every Little Thing He Does

2011-12-16T16:07:00.000-08:00

"Every little thing your son does requires much effort on his part." It's not an easy thing for a parent to hear, but it's Marcus' reality.

Our last development optometry appointment was very revealing and helped us understand how complicated Marcus' vision issues are. I won't bore you with the scientific details, but in general, his eyes don't work together properly, he has difficulty guiding his eyes where they need to go, has poor peripheral vision, and he uses his vision like a 5 month old does. Oh, and the vision that he does have will most likely diminish as he gets older. So with these vision challenges, low muscle tone, and difficulty with balance and coordination, yes...every little thing is tremendously difficult for Marcus.

We've been teaching Marcus to ask for help since even before he could speak. He started by using signs and now it's a full, "I need help, please." He knows how to do it, for sure. But now the frustration isn't in not knowing how to ask, it's in no longer wanting the help. He wants to be able to finish the puzzle, turn the page, close the box, screw the lid, kick the ball, build the tower, cut the paper, take off his shoe without having to rely on others so that he can sense the accomplishment of doing it all on his own. And so, there is a frustration he feels everyday and as parents, we sense his frustration growing in some ways because he is beginning to understand his limitations. This breaks our hearts.

Our prayer is that these physical weaknesses would be a blessing for Marcus. Although it stings to see him struggle and frightens us to imagine this struggle growing as he gets older, we yearn for the Lord to turn this curse into a gift for our dear son. We're begging the Lord to allow this forced reliance on others to be a willful reliance on the Lord for all things.

But as much as I pray this for Marcus, I can't help but plead for my own soul as well. Because what he is having to learn physically is what I need to learn spiritually; that I'm completely weak and unable to do anything apart from the grace of Christ. And as much I don't want to rely on Him and just do things on my own feeble strength, the truth is that my soul is unable to see, unable to stand, lacking in strength. Just like my son's body is.

When I see Marcus about to throw a puzzle piece across the room, I rush to let him know that if I just guide his fingers ever so gently, he'll be able to finish it and it'll look beautiful. Likewise, I hope to learn that if I abide in my Savior, He'll produce in me beautiful fruit and a life that will bring glory to Him without having to strive on my own and always fall short.

I am the vine; you are the branches.

Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit,

for apart from me you can do nothing.

John 15:5

So Marcus, let's learn this together. Let's always tell Him we need Him because He will ever be there to rescue us, help us. Let's always go to Him because He loves us so. If He gave us Jesus, He will give us all other things. Though your body may be weak, may your soul find strength in Him.

Power Bible Winners

2011-12-11T21:14:00.001-08:00

Thanks to all who entered the Power Bible Giveaway! By the way, I was not compensated for the giveaway. Just wanted to get the word out! Using random.org, here are the two winners:

The winner of the calendar and Book 1 is Elaine Jhung, who was a Sweet Valley High reader. Oh, Elaine, I would have never guessed!

The winner of the calendar and Book 2 is Chubbles, who loved Where the Sidewalk Ends. What a classic!

Please email me your addresses so I can get your prizes in your hands. So excited for you both!

The giveaway was a lot of fun and I think I may do another one in the future. In the meantime, if you didn't win the Power Bible this time, please consider visiting their site and ordering some for yourselves or as gifts for others. You won't regret it. Happy reading!

Alrighty, now I'm going to dust off some old issues of Tiger Beat and plaster my walls with NKOTB.

One Of Our Boys Is Walking

2011-12-08T20:51:00.001-08:00

For months now, I've been anticipating Derek walking. I'd often ask Mike how he thought he would feel once Derek took his first steps, posing the question to get a gauge on how I should feel about it myself.

The first few steps were so wonderful, almost like an official stamp to the final declaration that Derek is indeed healthy and that the Lord really did answer all of our desperate prayers for him. But now it's like the brightness of this joy has turned around to expose the grayer side of the matter...that while one son is walking, the other isn't. While Marcus' 4 year-old body is crawling on all fours, his 13 month old baby brother is walking circles around him.

Marcus is so happy for Derek. Whenever he sees him stand up by himself and take steps, he's always getting our attention to get us to admire his young toddling brother. The other night, he said, "Hey! Derek is walking!" And with giggles and smiles, he tried his best to get up and take steps on his own too, but just couldn't do it and fell.

Us: Good try, Marcus! Is it hard?
Marcus: Yeah.
Us: Is God going to help you to walk?
Marcus: Yeah.
Us: Is God good?
Marcus: Yeah.

Inside, my heart tore apart as I watched Marcus struggle so hard with something that came so naturally to Derek. And now that Derek is crawling less and less and walking more and more, my heart is increasingly sad for Marcus who may soon need to look up to see his baby brother doing so easily what is so challenging for him.

But I'm conflicted. I remember the anxious anticipation during my pregnancy with Derek, when there were even discouraging perinatology appointments that had us preparing for another child with special needs. But now he's here, our most undeserved blessing, walking around as a living and breathing reminder that God most graciously answered our prayers. And I'm floored. Still in jaw-dropped disbelief.

So as I grieve for Marcus and bear a heavy weight of sadness for my beloved first son, the tears are also ones of joy as I raise my hands in utter gratitude, thanking him for the chance to raise our two boys with different roads before them.

By the way, I think I'm WAY sadder than Marcus is. In fact, he might not even be bummed at all that he's not walking like Derek yet. Tonight, we asked him if he would rather learn to walk by himself, or watch YouTube on the iPhone. Yeah...let's just say he's not really in a hurry to be ambulating about.

There is one thing he's looking forward to though. During dinner last night, we were guessing what we'll each be doing when we get to Heaven. We tossed around ideas of Marcus playing music for God and Audrey dancing for God. Out of the blue, without even being asked, Marcus had his own idea. "I will jump for God," he said.

Indeed, son. No doubt about it.

Just In Time For Christmas: Giveaway

2011-12-06T22:34:00.001-08:00

Audrey isn't the hugest fan of reading, so whenever we find high-interest reading material for her, we load up our library bag, hoping to make reading more motivational and not just a chore. She's not the offspring of avid readers, so it's no surprise. Although I love to read now, my high-interest reading material when I was young was Bop magazine...not the most academically challenging nor spiritually fortifying. So, when we found out some friends of ours were publishing the Power Bible, we were excited to get it in Audrey's hands.

It's basically the Bible from start to finish in comic form. Biblically accurate and completely engaging, it's been awesome to see Audrey learn so much and be so excited to read. She blasted through the first two books, so CA Grandma bought the rest of the set for her and let's just say that tonight, she was bummed that she couldn't stay up to read more. She's been saying things like, "I didn't know that..." and we'll respond with, "Really? Did that really happen?" And lo and behold, it did. I'm so excited for her to get a big picture of the Bible so that she knows the framework of the glorious story of Jesus. It's in no way a substitute for the Bible itself, but a wonderful and creative tool to supplement scripture.

The company also just came out with a cute calendar. Audrey's totally into months and dates, so it's perfect.

Alrighty, now's the time where I ask all 10 of my readers to enter a giveaway. There are 2 prizes, so there's a good chance you'll win! The 1st commenter chosen at random will win one calendar and Book 1 of the series. The 2nd commenter chosen at random will win one calendar and Book 2 of the series.

To enter:

1. Like their facebook page and leave a comment on my blog telling me what YOU loved reading as a kid. I KNOW I wasn't the only one who liked Bop magazine!
2. For an additional entry, visit their website and leave a comment telling me you did so.

You have until Sunday night, 8pm PST and I'll announce the winners Monday morning.

Yay! I'm excited for you already.

Update on Corben

2011-12-06T20:55:00.001-08:00

Last week, Corben received the greatest gift from his dad...a new kidney. The surgery was successful and this is what Elisabeth wrote on her Facebook wall a few days after: "Tonight when Corben prayed before bed he thanked God for daddy's kidney!!!! I just think he is the most amazing kid ever :-)"

Yes, indeed. One amazing kid and one amazing dad.

They are both at home now. Please continue to pray for them both. It is not uncommon to have complications while recovering from surgery and I've also heard that it is often a more difficult road for the donor. Please pray for great encouragement to this family during the difficult road ahead.

Please also visit their fundraising site if the Lord leads you to make a donation.

And in Elisabeth's words, "Thanks for everything. God is good."

The G Word

2011-12-01T21:36:00.001-08:00

Ever miss someone so much that you want to avoid seeing her so you don't have to say "Good-bye" to her again?

While my mom was here helping out my sister with Baby Matthew, I wasn't able to see her as much as I wanted because of Derek's Roseola. I was going to sneak out the other night to spend time with my mom, but I decided not to. Knowing I'd be crying the whole 45-minute drive up there, dreading the "Good-bye", only to see her for an hour or two with a heavy heart, and then to have to actually say it and then cry the whole drive home, was not appealing to me. So instead of seeing her in person, I decided to just bid my farewell over the phone, which I cried through any way. Go figure.

But today, a few hours before her flight, we had a FaceTime session and surprisingly, there were no tears involved.

Is it weird that sometimes I want to go back into her womb? When Marcus was born is when I became an adult. Before that, I feel like I was playing house. And now I see that the adult world is real, tough, dirty, and sometimes brutal. I'm thankful for my mom who tucked me in bed and made me feel like I was in a safe and warm place, even though she and dad were fighting to survive in their adult world.

And now I'm a mom and my own kids may one day miss the days we are experiencing right now. Note to self: hug them tight, make them laugh, show them how merciful and loving the Lord has been to us so that they know the One who will be with them when they enter the adult world of their own.

Love you, Mom! Miss you!

What We've Been Up To Lately

2011-11-30T21:15:00.001-08:00

Finishing up the soccer season with a smile.

Thanking Pacific Life for giving Mike another iPhone and thanking Steve Jobs for quality family time.

Deep cleaning our house in the middle of the night. Anyone want to buy a cozy condo in Irvine?

Reading the Bible in comic form. She's been loving this new series and has already learned so much.

LOVING CA Grandma's new cello and sometimes playing it without pants.

Developing a stair-climbing addiction

Developing a castle-building obsession

Roseola-ing. Poor baby. But Lord-willing, he is our last child to endure this ugly virus.

Everyday-ing

(Michelle H., could you email me? I wanted to reply back to your comment on "Sad", but I didn't know how to contact you. Thanks.)

My New Favorite Theme Park

2011-11-28T22:00:00.001-08:00

Reasons why I love Legoland:

Because my daughter and her Daddy could do this

And this

And while the rest of us wait for them, we could do this

And this

And this

Because the Legoland designers created this musical fountain knowing my son would one day visit it

Because the day we went, the weather was perfect, there were no crowds, and CA Grandma was delighted to spend the day out with her peeps, especially Lover Boy

Because slides were invented for my daughter and she rode this one 3 times in a row

And her father watched her in awe

Because Audrey and I got to spin around on one of those round and round rides

Which made her flash her crazy-teeth smile again

Because there was also an aquarium there and Marcus was enthralled

Because he was able to really explore the sea critters without being scared

Because Audrey was stoked to learn about seahorses

Because it gave us an excuse to fill up our kids on sugar

And because we plain ol' had a good time together

Love ya, Legoland! Hope to visit you again some day!

The First Thanksgiving In 9 Years

2011-11-27T14:54:00.001-08:00

What made this Thanksgiving heart-exploding wonderful? Being able to celebrate it with my parents for the first time in 9 years. They took some time off from their ministry duties in Hawaii to fly out, hold their newborn grandson (my new adorable nephew), and try their best to share themselves amongst 5 grand-kids.

"I don't know who to look at," my dad would say, scanning the room full of kids. And for me and my sister, it was pure joy watching Mom and Dad enjoy each one of them in real life rather than admiring their pictures through a computer screen.

The older cousins got in some good playtime with each other too.

With Grandpa's thanksgiving day prayer, yumalicious food, and Audrey asking everyone what they were thankful for, it was a day of gratefulness indeed.

Derek thought Thanksgiving would be an appropriate time to start taking first steps.

The night ended, we said good-bye, and I had to hide my red cheeks and wet eyes from my dad who had to leave the next day. Saying "Bye for now," always stings, especially because sometimes I want so badly to be their little girl again and feel the warm safety of being under their care. But now that I'm grown up, I love, respect, and thank them even more. They've given me and my sister unconditional love, unceasing prayer, and a legacy of faith in our Savior Jesus Christ. That's what I'm thankful for this year.

When The Stars And Moon Aligned

2011-11-16T22:25:00.001-08:00

What's the best thing you could say to your daughter when picking her up from school? Well last Thursday, for Audrey, it sounded something like this: "Hey Auj! Get in the car, take off your shoes on socks (oh, the loathed socks), and change into your skort and your Crocs because we're going to the beach!" Needless to say, she flashed her crazy-teeth smile and screeched a couple high-pitched "YAY"s as she skipped into the van. Off to Newport Beach we went.

Audrey had Marcus to thank, because it was he who had been asking to go build sandcastles at the beach. Wish granted, sweet boy.

Yes, walking on super soft sand is fun, isn't it?

Once his bottom hit the ground, he wasted no time and started building. This boy was born to scoop.

Derek, not yet sand's #1 fan, said a little prayer before exploring new territory.

Then he started to look around a bit,

Realized it was a pretty cool place,

And joined his brother the best way he knew how.

Meanwhile, Audrey greeted the Pacific Ocean.

It was one of the most beautiful days. The Lord literally aligned the stars and moon that day because it was the lowest tide we'd ever seen at a Southern California beach. The gentle waves rolled on our feet as we walked along yards and yards of glassy water that coated what would normally be the ocean floor. And the cool, crispy air plus the sun that glowed just enough to warm our backs made it all...breathtaking.

Audrey felt how beautiful it was.

I could watch this girl frolic by the sea for hours.

So as I admired my firstborn and took in God's gorgeous creation, I just snapped away.

She's been at this phase where she doesn't want me to take her picture. She'll cover her face or make a grimace and shoo me away. But this day, she just let me shoot. And I just let her be. No "Say Cheese!" necessary.

She's got a love affair with wet sand.

And something about watching her play in it makes me so happy.

Meanwhile, at base camp, Daddy was overseeing construction.

And Marcus got into his rhythm of scoop and pour, scoop and pour.

Derek? Our expert crawler was on self-imposed house arrest on the blanket.

Would he dare explore the dirty wet sand?

Well whether Derek did or not, Marcus decided he was up for getting closer to the waves. "I want to walk to the waves," he said, which was code for, "Daddy, take my hand and help me get there."

Now this was a huge deal. Normally, he's petrified to get close to the water. But the humble low tide invited him in and he couldn't resist the call.

He did get scared and screamed like a toddling girl when the cold waves rolled over his feet,

And he tried to retreat once or twice,

But the ocean beckoned him to come again and so he did.

He loved it.

What a milestone this was. Marcus Lee played in the waves.

Derek, on the other hand...

Was a bit stressed. Thus, the straight-as-a-stick legs.

And tense toes.

Uh, yeah. Not yet one with the ocean.

Once I rescued him and put him back on his safety blanket, he decided that since the beach wasn't his thing, he would try standing.

Well, nevermind that too.

But Marcus' joy made up for Derek's doubts about the sea.

And Audrey had to be pulled away at the end of our outing. She could have gotten all wrinkly in the saltwater if we let her.

Thank you, ocean, for the refreshing break from the daily routine. Thank you, ocean, for the smiles on all our faces. Thank you, ocean, for the sand caked on our feet and in the cracks of my kids' butts on our whole ride home. Thank you, ocean, for being so meek and mild when we visited you. Thank You, God, for the ocean.

What I've Been Loving

2011-11-08T21:25:00.000-08:00

(Sorry Instagram people, but all these pics are old news to you.)

I'm loving that I caught Little Beethoven conducting in the bathroom one day.

I'm loving that Mike has this whole week off before he starts his new job next week. Having Daddy home = happy Mommy.

I'm loving that Derek looks like a grownup baby in this picture. He dropped to the 88th percentile in weight and now he's sooooo skinny. Hehe.

I'm loving that at least Derek didn't chew the blinds off.

I'm loving that Audrey WON her first soccer game last Saturday. I cried. Go Ladybugs!

I'm loving that the kids were giggling and sweating right before bed tonight while playing Hide & Seek. I'm totally loving that Marcus thought this was the most top secret hiding spot.

I'm loving that we saw a developmental optometrist for the first time today, who helped us understand a bit more of how complex and challenging Marcus' vision is. I'm loving that we are going to see if prism glasses and a prescription may help him with his posture and balance. I'm loving how cooperative and how mature he was at the appointment today.

I'm loving that although we don't know if or when Marcus will walk independently, God requires us to live by faith. I'm loving that tomorrow is an unknown, but He is with us today. I'm loving that He loves our son more than we ever will.

Halloween Prayers

2011-11-01T00:12:00.000-07:00

I always knew that being a parent would cause me to be in perpetual prayer for my children. But what I didn't know was what exactly I would be praying for. Godly people pray for peace in the Middle East and the end to poverty in Africa. The subject of my prayers for about a year or so? That God would relieve Audrey from her fear of wedgies and of bumps in her socks. I wish I were kidding.

The 30 minutes before she leaves for school or soccer practice can be volatile. Either she's squirming because her pants are too tight, or she's whimpering and stomping her feet because she feels the seams of her socks rubbing against her shoe. So on days when I'm not yelling at her in frustration, we are praying. Sometimes she and I are holding each other, tearing up, while I'm beseeching the Lord to extend His mighty hand upon her, pleading on her behalf as Moses did for the Israelites. This morning, she woke up a tad hormonal, so we lifted up preemptive prayers that God would increase her tolerance for the dreaded sock bumps. Thankfully, the Lord so kindly answered. She made it to school without a breakdown.

Another thing I never thought I'd be praying for is for my kids to have fun. On the way to our church's fall festival this past weekend, I prayed that exact thing. Knowing that in past years, Marcus had a bit of a difficult time with the sensory overload of all the costumes and noise and craziness, I prayed that he would be able to enjoy the time without any anxiety, and that he would genuinely have fun.

I've never really had to pray this prayer for Audrey though. This girl always knows how to party.

So in spite of seeing his cousin look a little holier than usual

Even though Gomo and Uncle Eric looked Peanuty,

Even though his baby brother didn't dress up at all,

And even though we forced him to wear a suit and tie,

He seemed to enjoy himself just fine.

It took him some time, but once I heard his first, "I want to play more games," I knew the Lord was answering.

I'm a little scared about what I'll have to be asking God for this one:

Hopefully it won't be for God to break strange addictions to eating wood or rocks. Hopefully it won't be for protection from the juvenile tendencies his father ~~has~~ had.

But something tells me those prayers are in my future.

Baby Eminem

Fast forward to today. Before Marcus left for school, we again asked that God would allow him to enjoy all the Halloween festivities his teachers had prepared. When I arrived in time to see his costume parade, I noticed that he was far behind his class. He looked tired. I knew he was thinking, "Why are they making me walk around in a huge circle? I'm tired. I want to take this monkey suit off."

When he got closer to the audience of parents, a little crowd next to me erupted in claps, cheers, and "Go, Marcus! Go, Marcus!" It was a little fan club of therapists and aides rallying him on. He didn't seem phased.

And then he saw his Mama and the world lit up.

He was kind of ecstatic to see me there.

On the way home, he said he had fun and that the best part was getting treats with his class and "marching" in the parade.

By the time it was time to trick-or-treat, I kind of expected the answers to my prayers to carry over.

It was a fun night with friends, delighting in all the fun our kids were having.

Our friend Lauryn is wearing scary teeth. Audrey's teeth are just scary.

This picture is blurry and captures her mood exactly.

So I would say that Halloween 2011 was a success. Fun had for all, and not taking it for granted. Thank you, Lord.