From Poverty to Academia

Phase one

2023-10-05T15:41:00.004-04:00

Phase one of operation guardian angel.

Now that the hard part of the math is done, for $500k a year in interest earned I can funnel that money into my clandestine charity. Like a cabal for but philanthropic.

I am going to hire several people to scope out the neighborhood. I will be hiring some lawyers to keep them quiet and get them around $80k a year with health insurance.

They will establish what portion of the city programs for childcare are not being met and what portions are. Once we have that figure a choice will have to be made on how to proceed with the program. We can either carve out an entirely new secret and elite daycare program that will be free or augment and help existing ones. Given the infrastructure is in place for existing programs it makes far more sense to go with the existing programs.

From there we need to interview parents and gather information on what the current challenges are and why they can't find the affordable childcare they need for that microcosm of the city. With that report in hand we will need to find some lawyers and craft out a new non-profit. Hide my identity behind some legal jujitsu and proceed to actual program financing. With only $500k a year self funded it will be critical to start small and only service a small number of kids. Get licensed and insured and get everything up to code if we are going into the new construction route.

I will keep detailed metrics on performance and will need to consult data analysts used to this kind of data. The surveys need to be detailed enough that I can track metrics and impact year to year.

As far as I am aware outside of the city itself very few programs exist like this anywhere. I can't believe this is finally happening.

If I can pull this off I can fix the place.

Another Story of Another Life Lost

2012-01-15T05:56:00.001-05:00

This particular girl was a dear friend of mine that I met through rather.. unique circumstances. We'll call her Christine for now. There was a point in my life where I attended an after-school program for troubled teens. They had a computer room where I found one of the computers signed on with an AOL Instant Messenger program left on. I messaged the person when they signed in on their computer. Told them I'd sign off it and to be careful because they never knew who might look into their things. I actually ended up having a conversation with the person on the other end and she later became a good friend of mine.

When I first met her we talked every day all day, texting and AIM mostly. Teenage norm for the time I suppose, especially when cell phones were just starting to get popular. We both had plenty of drama to talk about as her father disappeared when she was very young. Her stepfather had been kicked out of their old house for hiding dildos and other sex toys within the walls. Every week Christine would find a new "treasure" hidden somewhere in the house. Her mother was a nurse and barely made enough to support the both of them with her stepfather gone.

I think the hardships she faced coerced her to want to finish high school. She always did well in school although she was prone to "popularity". She sold prescription drugs and weed out of her moms house when she wasn't there to fund her expensive designer clothing. She always wanted to look like a model and wouldn't let herself settle for less. She also constantly went to clubs and parties every day of the week as it was her favorite activity. It's a wonder she got the grades she did with all the drinking and partying she did. In time, I became a voice of reason for her I never abandoned her and stood by her side through the worst of things. We had our teenage moments, we kissed but she was ashamed that I wasn't going to clubs nor was I stylish and trendy. Thus she never became an "offical" girlfriend.

Every week she would find a popular guy to sleep with. I was the only person that asked her whys he was doing it. She would always reply "Because he wanted it, so I had to do it". You see, as a pretty girl in the hood she was an object and used to it. Her neighbor, a 25 year old man often asked her over when his wife was out to have sex with her when she was 13. She was used to it she said, and she liked it so it didn't bother her. At least, it didn't bother her until I created a world shattering event in her life. After one of her usual days of being too drunk to even catch the bus I escorted her home and she tried to shove me on her bed to have sex with her. I said no, she should have some goddamn self fucking respect before she becomes a walking petri dish. When she recalled the event the next day she was a little shocked, no one had ever told her to have some self respect.

In the months that followed I became her personal therapist. She would tell me her stories of being raped, being abused and generally having her life in "the hood" play out in front of her. My advice was always the same, be strong girl. Keep your head up and keep moving forward, what options do you have otherwise? You going to stay back and just let things pile up on you? At times I would have to intervene directly. Like when the neighbor now 30 years old was looking for some more "fun". I ended up with a black eye and he ended up with a broken arm. I should've seen it coming that she would refuse to press charges on him.

During my first years of college she ended up working at a call center for a cable company. She liked it there so I wasn't going to complain she wasn't going to college. She still lived in North Philadelphia and I still got random calls about her getting mugged at gunpoint or roofied. Near my senior year she applied to my college and got in. She told me she was determined to do amazingly well and join the marketing careers club on campus. They had a paid trip to New Orleans once a year and onyl those who had risen through the ranks of the club were allowed to go. Given her history I was a bit of a skeptic. But, she proved me wrong and chugged along and actually rose through the ranks in one semester. I can't remember how many bake sales I was coerced into buying from that year.

When I got to grad school... well.. things went a bit downhill. Without my constant reassurance and guidance she slipped away. She joined several groups on campus that in essence ruined her chances at a future. As long as I had known her she had always been bisexual and it wasn't shocking to me that she would want to join the campus LGBT club. More power to her I thought, why the hell not. Hell, "sign me up for the protests and I'll join right in", I thought it was a great thing. It turns out most of the LGBT students on campus were groomed, supported kids from the suburbs that partied all day at their parents expense. When she started skipping classes to go to parties I started asking, you sure you can still go and pass your classes? I was assured everything would be fine and she could handle it all.

My first year of grad school she told me she was now completely gay and how she wanted to be more masculine now. I asked her how she was handling the shift in community,friends and all. She assured me again she would be fine and that she was doing great. The end of the semester came in and she failed every single one of her classes. Every semester I got a call about how she was being stupid and partying every night was ruining her life and how she needed to stop. However, her new girlfriend provided pressure for her to skip classes constantly. I was two states away, and she claimed I could no longer understand her as a straight male. She slipped away entirely and dropped out of college.

She works a job at another call center now and dreams of going back to school eventually. I can't help but think that if I was still around her I could change things. But realistically I couldn't change things, it's impossible. I had my life to live and she had hers. But it's pathetic there was no one around to help her. The LGBT club on campus instead of worrying about her as a fellow student criticized her for not partying. The campus counseling centers never once made the link between her constant need for reassurance and her tattered past. Professors of course assumed that because she was doing these things she was just being a spoiled rich brat. Sadly this was all at her expense, this was all her mess she got herself into. All she needed was someone out there a social safety net on campus to tell her she was doing something wrong. I hear this again and again from underrepresented students at universities. I can't tell you how many doctoral and even medical students have told me some variation of "If it wasn't for that guy I shared my dorm with in grad school pestering me to study I would've never done it". I honestly think it's a handicap and one these students need to be trained out of. But I also think it's ignorant for people from very different backgrounds to just chalk everything up to the person being of less worth than them. This is one of the major items I would like to address in an education program if I ever become a person with some amount of wealth. However, given my current success I'm doubtful that will ever occur so perhaps I can maybe collect my plan and hand it to someone who can do something with it.

Criminal acts for long term Success, a Moral Dilemma.

2012-01-13T01:17:00.003-05:00

If you had asked me three years ago what I thought of drug pushers years ago I would've given you a rant that lasted about an hour. My answer now is far more complex than it used to be. I am opposed to gangs and I think that the mindless, idiotic brutality expressed by "gangstas" is destroying the poor of the United States. However, gangs don't only deal in drugs, they handle prostitution, laundering and weapons sales. Hell, they even sell bootlegged DVDs and run illegal lottery schemes.

Drugs are just their best product in most places. A way to "cleanse" a shit-hole by adding some fragrance to the festering wound. However, recently I've noticed how horribly corporate institutions treat customers and I can't help but feel some slight sympathy for some criminals. Stealing from a Walmart no longer feels as horrible as it used to.

I've started to wonder, are there any petty criminals out there that have "made it"? If I myself were to return to North Philadelphia and risk my career by selling bootleg DVDs or pot I grew myself I could easily fend off the risk of being homeless. My own values and fear of repercussions keep me from performing petty crime and instead I would find myself homeless if need be. However, I think it's come to a point where if a system is unfair as I've started in previous blog posts and you have a risky avenue to level the playing field I think it's quite morally correct to do so. I do not believe in violence or theft from others who suffer from the act (IE, the employee at Walmart has nothing to do with the execs). It's a challenging notion that now as I ageo I'm accepting petty crime like pot dealing and counterfeiting as acceptable if it helps you buy a house, move into safety and live a happy normal life. When the odds are rigged and everything is stacked against you is it wrong to cheat? Hard drugs are another matter, they often have their hands in cartels, gangs and destruction of lives. I don't think I'd ever support any involvement in those types of activities. What if I end up on the street tomorrow, would I revert to petty harmless crime to get back on my feet?

I honestly don't think I would, I'm too proud of being a "hard worker". But I've played societies game and it hasn't gotten me any closer to my goals so what do I know.

Lottery Tickets and North Philadelphia

2011-11-02T11:47:00.001-04:00

The Powerball Lottery is at 245 million, quite a hefty figure. However in the poorest parts of the grand ol United States the lottery is both a tax and a shred of hope for the hopeless. To put this into perspective imagine for a moment you're an older person. Your education is over and probably won't help get a job. In North Philadelphia the end of your life is a world surrounded by violence. You barely have enough money to get by and life is generally depressing. You value your friends and those around you and seek joy and comfort in them.

The lottery acts as a hopeful yet unlikely thing. It promises to break the shackles of poverty and set you free. It promises to make all of your wildest dreams come true. If you play daily it even rewards you from time to time. It lets you taste it's fruit while not allowing you a bite. It calls to you and says one more play, give me one more dollar and I'll promise you riches. People line up sometimes around the block around lotto vendors. The poor are desperate for hope even in the richest country in the world. Some waste money they need for their own survival on it expecting massive returns.

Personally, I still play the lottery. Only when it's at massive jackpots to justify the loss of a dollar. The winnings would satisfy my debts, I would attempt to finish my degree without fear. I would push as hard as I could to accomplish what I can. A mentor of mine once taught me that the empires of old succeeded because they didn't have to worry about their personal well being. In my case the same is true, I'm fairly certain getting a doctoral degree would be worlds easier if I didn't have to worry about eviction every month and was not living paycheck to paycheck. I also will keep my vow to change the hellhole I came from into a proper, fluid, and successful place I can be proud of.

But, knowing my math means I know the chances of winning are beyond zero.
I will die hoping to accomplish all that I can.

Hispanic mentality and how it can go against the "American Dream"

2011-05-05T20:55:00.001-04:00

I'll first say that before this is misconstrued into some attack against Hispanics I'll make it clear it's not. Hispanics are an incredibly diverse group of cultures and countries as such my perspective comes only as a Puerto Rican. Honestly, in my opinion Hispanics are among the hardest working people in the world.

In fact, Hispanics pose the greatest threat to the Democratic party in the country. It may seem irrelevant but consider the fact that many Hispanics are inherently conservative. Religion plays a major role in the society and as expected many of the ideals in the Hispanic community align with those of conservative Republicans. So why is it that most Hispanics vote for the Democrats in metropolitan areas? Well part of the reason is that they feel a sense of familiarity with the African American community. Both tend to have the same social issues and both tend to vote for the same parties as a result. The other issue is rampant racism on the end of conservative Republicans. If they took the opposite stance on the immigration issue with the same fervor they take on other issues they could increase the number of voters on their side greatly. However old habits die hard and thankfully for the Democratic party the chances of swaying the Hispanic Majority are slim.

Given the fact that we have a large pool of hard working people in the United States that seem to want to chase the ideal" American dream" why would I say there's a conflict then? The difference is in the end goals and aspirations for each group. An old friend of a friend was a grumpy old conservative man that used to tell me: "If you're unemployed and you find a job in retail you can work your way up the company to earn $150,000 a year. All it takes is hard work!"
The Hispanic community from my experience seems to take a more pragmatic approach of "Let's earn as much money as we can right now". Often parents are more interested in increasing potential future earnings from their children. The parents themselves are often more concerned about working as many jobs as needed to save up a sizable chunk of money. This savings spree may even mean wearing dirty clothing and skimping on basic necessities. Hispanic parents also many times expect their children to return the favor of being brought up and expect that their children will take care of them when they are no longer able to work.

In a way, they're breaking free from the "American Dream" and following the worst case scenario. The Hispanic community prepare themselves for a future with no Social Security benefits, no pension and no nest egg large enough to see them through old age. They don't expect a college degree will really do anything unless you're a doctor. Thus the goal here seems to be set expectations as low as possible to the point any change from that encounters great resistance. If you're a Puerto Rican kid going to college your parents may hound you to do something with your life that will secure their "retirement". Not being around your family and off in another state will take its toll as you'll be seen as uncaring and loving if you're not there all the time. Because of this many teenagers in an already vulnerable and violent environment like those found in many low income neighborhoods in the country start out with very low goals. I have only met one other Puerto Rican graduate student in the sciences throughout all of the conferences and hundreds of people I've talked to. Call it sampling error if you like but even the programs for undergraduates that specifically take minorities rarely see them.

As I write this I look at the current statistics and outcomes for the PhD and I am becoming quite disheartened. My department is threatening cuts to degree programs that may end with me once again moving further away to find a doctoral degree. My entrepreneurial skills are slipping as I struggle to find an ideal market to bump into while doing my research at school. On top of all of this as a Puerto Rican I suppose I'm a bit different from most as my parents support my distance from home. However my father needs a lung transplant and I recently found out one of my nieces needs to be removed from her incompetent mother. If I had taken another path in life things may have been different. I would have the money and time to take care of my niece and perhaps pay for my fathers needs as well. At this point I can't help but think that the pessimistic Hispanic mentality may have helped me had I listened to it instead of romanticized versions of the "American Dream". To make things worse, you know that one Puerto Rican graduate student I know? They recently got hit with hard times on the way to their degree as well. It got to the point that I had to involve the authorities as there was a plan to commit a school shooting by this person. Thankfully that situation was handled in time and defused before anyone was hurt.

But I can't help but ask myself, how many times are we going to lie to these kids? How many times are we going to pluck hopefuls from the ghetto and send them down college career paths that are dead ends? I remember watching science demos from famous institutions at my school. I also remember people urging minority students to go into science as it'll be a great way to explore the world. They were right in some respects, science in my opinion is the best career option for someone that wants to wake up eager to go to work every morning. But most of the scientists in my field I know made it to where they are though wealthy parents or a wealthy spouse. I have neither of those and am not going to be as lucky in the end. It's morally wrong to give these kids in the ghetto the illusion that they can build a career out of the sciences and never return to "the hood". I remember once talking to a college career counselor that told me "Wherever you end up after college, it'll be better than here". As I think back that was the bigger lie I've ever been told as I face in essence deportation from the suburbs back into the "hood". If only we would tell these minority kids the real risks of going to college instead of sugar coating it because we're afraid they'll drop out like the majority. Sometimes I can't sleep at night knowing there are "timebombs" of students that will one day snap from hopelessness and do something horrible on a University campus.

Here's to hoping I win the lottery and intervene in time........

"Hoodlife" and parenting.

2011-05-02T13:26:00.013-04:00

I am right now in a 2% profit on my portfolio and of course no closer to financial security. I did however have an interesting night listening to the Art Bell show and the crazy callers talking about the death of Osama Bin Laden. It's a comforting closure for some but personally not something I would celebrate personally. Call it a bit of a remnant feeling from my time in North Philly.

This weekend I once again ventured into North Philadelphia to visit family members. I also ran into a few people that are now parents and my age. Thankfully, they seem to have learned from their parents and genuinely care for their children. It makes me very proud to see an old male friend take up his responsibilities as a father with serious effort.There are some "actual" men of all races in North Philly that don't see taking care of their child as a chore. Those same men take care of their children for reasons beyond "I'm supposed to do it". This sort of male bonding is important as most crimes are committed by men. Which as a result makes male role models crucially important in order to curve violence.The consequences of having a male role model gap are far more serious in the hood than in many other places.

Here's another real world example of how this sort of thing happens. Say you have a kid 8-10 years of age that has happily lived with pops all of his life. Dad's the guy that takes you out once in a while because he broke up with your mom. She's gone from home with 4-5 different boyfriends every week while your bothers are out on the street trying to sell crack. You now have a gap in your life where parents are not around and you're "forced" to take care of yourself. Time goes on and now you're 13 years old and it's that time for puberty to kick in and turn your world upside down. Unlike a "normal" kid you've known about that birds and bees crap for quite some time, possibly first grade. You also know people in school have started having sex at age 11 so you'll need to catch up to look good..

You're a goddamn kid you don't know anything about masculinity but what you see in BET, hear from your brothers and maybe the drug dealers on the corner. Take a look at the landscape of who's around to fill the male role model gap. For those that are lucky and have some sense the church or school will quickly step in before the hood can. But sadly for many young men this isn't the case at all. One particular young man I knew followed this pattern of "gap filling" almost exactly. He ended up having a free license to go sell pot on the corner while being 13 years old. With mom running around with guys all day no one would be around to supervise him. He would eventually start selling from his house for convenience while watching movies after cutting class. It worked out pretty well for him to the point he gained quite a bit of notoriety around school for being a "dealer". He was just like those guys on TV and on the corner, a badass, a "gangster". You might laugh at some small time pot dealer becoming popular but to a group of Justin Beiber aged kids he may as well have been snoop.

Then you start to see the patterns, taking pictures on Facebook with your shirt off to show everyone how built and badass you are. Start taking pictures of guns and money to put up on Facebook to show them how much "game" you got hustling. The sweet 10 year old in 3 years has now become a moronic douchebag. The girls at that teenage range also eat that shit up very quickly. They now see him as a stud and someone they're going to marry. That is if they're not already dating a guy in his mid 20's at the age of 13. I've lost track of how many girls would go to a "neighbors" house at age 13-15 to have sex with older men that had a record. In many Hispanic communities when the parents found out they were overjoyed. "My little girl is getting married and off with a nice young man how wonderful!". The issue lies with many countries still marrying off girls around that age, tied with the fact many parents have only recently entered the United States. Thus if you consider their lens on the world it's perfectly acceptable to have a girl that young marrying off and screwing older men who will "take care of her". Needless to say these "gangsters" usually have tons of girls they're screwing and getting pregnant. Especially when they're unsupervised most of the day and can do whatever they want.

It's sickening what happens to the children that are products of these scenarios. I remember working at a school for a few years and seeing first hand from a faculty perspective how frustrating the situation is. Often the mother has ruined her life and been abandoned by family creating an incentive to turn to drugs which end up harming the developing fetus. The fathers I know of often gang up in little groups to talk about how "that child support money is bullshit". They often all whine in little circles about how they have a few baby mommas to take care of. It's often difficult to find man proud of his child and willing to take the responsibility of caring the baby. What's worse is that many of these men would have to admit to having sex with a minor. They often remain silent and deny that they were the father for that reason. (Or they cheated to show how much game they have)

Now fast forward to school a few years in and you have parents in the office crying and arguing that their kid got straight A's. "The fuck, yall liyin yall trying to make me poor n shit" Direct quote from a parent who I tried to calm down when I said her son was reading at a third grade level in first. The issue is that there are a few citywide programs that provide extra funds to parents with particularly pressing needs. (It also adds to child support) Especially those with children that need special care and treatment in school. It provides a nice padding to the paychecks every month to held the mother with her... expenses... In essence many of these mothers begin to see their child as a tool for generating income with very little effort. Which is ideal if you have no skills and are addicted to crack and need the money. As a result many kids end up going to school being told by their parents to misbehave and what to say to school officials to get their attention. That particular child came to class the next day causing issues after three months of perfect behavior. He flipped over tables, he stuck his hand up a girls skirt and started cursing at everyone. His mother was overjoyed when he was transferred to special education.

It's in moments like those that I'm overjoyed to see responsible parents with little income and skills at least trying to help. They may not have much but at the very least they love their children enough not to use them. It's in this way that the children in North Philly are poorer than those in many third world countries, at least in those men and women have a great pride in their children But for those that are used as tools it's only logical the cycle will perpetuate. This is why a safe haven is imperative for older children and something I hope to attain in the future.

In the hood, the cell bars are made of pleasure

2011-04-29T16:45:00.000-04:00

I've often mentioned that life in North Philly can get pretty depressing and if there's one thing associated with "hood life" it's drugs. Most people see a crackhead on the street and scoff when they ask for money. Those who have lived in the hood have a different perspective on the homeless and druggies however. It's somewhere in between the guy giving them money and the guy actively mocking the homeless on the street. One famous individual from when I was growing up was always called "broom man". I even found a youtube video... of him apparently being taunted for using crack. What most people, including the younger generation in the hood don't realize is that many people like him were in situations beyond their control. Many times it's a combination of personal life circumstances and personal willpower. (Nature vs Nurture)

Broom man as he's called always carried a broom around and knocked on your door at 3 in the afternoon offering to sweep your steps. He made quite a bit of money off of this and is famous for carrying a knife inside of his hollow plastic broom. I still see him from time to time as he used to help clean our yard in the fall. I remember sometime during my college career he disappeared and people spread rumors he was dead. About a year later I saw him outside of KFC walking down the street with a big smile on his face. Cleaner and with a very different personality emanating from him. I remember going up to him and saying "damn broom man I thought you was dead?" and I'll never forget his reply "people talk a lot of shit don't they?". We talked for a while and I found out he was a Vietnam veteran who was drafted only to return home with no skills. A series of bad luck events landed him out on the street and on crack as he is today. He carries his veterans benefits documentation on him most of the time as a reminder to people.

However, Broom Man's case was relatively tame compared to most of the other druggies in the area. Steven was probably one of the worst that I remember. Steven actually finished high school and started jumping around from place to place doing odd jobs. He ended up having 9 kids and 4 "baby mommas" by the age of 30. He had a myriad of mental problems that he suppressed because of the "hood mentality" of toughness. He kept immense amounts of emotional pain hidden from everyone because it just wasn't a good thing to show weakness. When he was ten his mothers' ex boyfriend broke into her house forced him to have sex with his mother. The ex boyfriend raped and tortured her in front of him, eventually cutting her genitals out and throwing them at him. He later shot her and then himself leaving a little boy with his baby sister alone in a house with two corpses and a pool of blood. For years he never spoke to a therapist it was a sign of weakness, he never let anyone know how he felt. Many young men in North Philadelphia and many "hoods" in general perform this little self destructive act of machismo.

Today he lives on the street surviving on heroin. He is immensely depressed but cures himself with waves of pleasure from heroin. A few times I saved his life by calling an ambulance and performing emergency CPR. Heroin is a bitch of a drug that suppresses your respiratory system and leaves you with a pale as hell corpse on your couch on the verge of dying. Every single time he was brought back from the brink of death he would make up the same excuse. "Yeah, the doctor said I had all this food in my throat and I was choking on it" except for the fact I was on the ambulance with him to the hospital so I know that was a load of shit and insulting. If this sounds personal it's probably because Steven is my half brother. My father took pity on him for being homeless and let him into our home. Which of course enabled him to pursue his cure for a shitty life through drugs.

See that's the problem that these "bootstraps" people don't seem to get. No option is a good option for someone in that situation in the hood. His depression and trauma hindered his ability to perform in school. This alone would cut his chances at a future by quite a bit. Mix in the fact that if he saw the school therapist or was caught going to see a psychologist he risked being beaten by family members or people at school. They'd instantly take the position of "oh you're a fuckin pussy, suck it the fuck up you little bitch". My father was also never in his life, he was surrounded by a heavily criminalized part of the family and unable to seek help anywhere. The end result is an adult with no skills that turns to the one thing that will bring happiness in life. Drugs imprison a person in these situations and keep them there. You now have a solution to all your problems, why should you change? What, you think that fucker in a nice warm comfy home telling you what you're doing is wrong is going to change your opinion? No one in this world will help you and to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and better yourself you need to at the very least have a starting point. A reason to go out and build a life for yourself, a spark that makes you want to do those things. This is why keeping him homeless was the best option in his case. He needed to either die or come close to death and solitude in order to find a cure to the illusion of happiness from heroin.

In North Philadelphia drugs are the only cure for a life of shit. A life where nothing went well and the only way to find happiness is to buy it. This is why my conceptual organization would target those that can be saved in schools. A social safety net is required, a place where those we can save and have promise to change the "hood" can go. It's a legal minefield but it has to happen if we're to create a group of elite hopefuls out of the ghetto. Again, the money isn't there for me to do anything (my portfolio is still at a 4% loss) and the existing social safety nets are woefully inadequate so for now it'll stay a pip dream

The Power of the Church in the Ghetto

2011-04-27T16:13:00.003-04:00

I'm going to make this clear and say I'm a scientist and I'm a Biologist. This doesn't make it very likely for me to have any association with religion. In fact I've had a complicated history with the institution since my birth. I was baptized, and raised in a somewhat catholic family. Although pressure to attend any religious ceremony was never enforced once I reached an age where I could say no.

My mother and father worked all day during the 90s and couldn't take care of me until about 5pm. Most places wouldn't take a baby at the time, especially not one as young as me. The Episcopal church took me in, care for me and I stayed there until kindergarten. I got along quite well with the minister and still talk to him to this day. When I was a little older they tried enrolling me in a Catholic Academy. I had a disorder that caused my hands to write very sloppily. The nuns thought I was "retarded" and would constantly beat me with rulers in an attempt to break my will. Eventually I began telling them in first grade that I didn't know what the difference was between the bible and fairy tales. It was an almost mutual agreement that both my parents and the school would dismiss me. I was transferred to public school and in third grade given an IQ test and launched into a mentally gifted program. Quite a different outcome in both cases.

For most of my life I noticed the church was the center of life in North Philly. Our traditions from Puerto Rico were kept alive there. As was our language and culture in general. It was often a place to go if you couldn't afford an after-school program for your kids or needed help with groceries. They were often far more helpful than the community centers and were a blessing to many. In a place where you have no hope, no aspirations and see so much death and violence it was a welcome haven.

It was after college that I ended up finding out how much of a hazard the church was to the community as well. I decided to help a friend of mine run for district representative. I was paid by the democratic party to run around and hand out flyers. Hell, I thought I may change this neighborhood for the better. I ended up going to a baptist church and finding representative Tony Payton there. He was preaching to the church on how much money he had contributed to the community. Apparently the guy had just gotten out of Community College. He seemed to have ties with the church leaders, possibly financial that allowed him to speak. I noticed he seemed hellbent on turning the "blacks" on the Hispanic community due to their much greater numbers. The issue in the Hunting Park area was that blacks often voted less than the Hispanic community. However, they were in much greater numbers in the area. So he and other representatives pranced around from church to church noting that the "blacks" pay most of the taxes and they should have a voice. They should not let the "Hispanic agenda" dominate their lives. The day of his election a few fights broke out in the baptist churches that hosted the election services. A few blacks would stand at the door and say "we don't want no fuckin spics runnin this place no more".

I noticed that in the Hispanic churches the same thing was occurring. They told us the whites and the blacks were against us that we needed to reclaim our neighborhood. It was always someone educated with money using them as a tool against easily influenced minds. I remember during one meeting for the democratic party candidates I asked someone from city hall if this was even remotely legal. I remember his smile, "Some people are queens, some people kings and most are pawns. It's just a game go with it, these people are so poor and stupid they wont know the difference either way". I didn't even know how to respond and simply sat in silence as the manipulation and lies were tossed around the room.

I don't know if people had forgotten the events of 1964 that shaped North Philadelphia into what it is today. North Philadelphia was a delicate balance of white "undesirables" (IE, Irish, Italian and Jewish) combined with Hispanics and Blacks. There were factories that made everything from Go-Karts to pantyhose. Many of the factories still stand, although they're now abandoned and no longer used. Some of these factories had elevators for trucks and tunnels that connected directly to train carts. The efficiency and engineering of these buildings in some cases is quite amazing. Sadly most of them still stand in Philadelphia. No one wants to buy them in North Philly and they're too expensive to demolish so there they stand. In the 60's and 70's the "old timers" tell me everyone used to work in them. They used to go on about how "no one was on welfare, we all worked at the factories".

The collapse of the factory industry began after the 50's and spiraled out of control during the 60's. Racial tension became an issue across the country and in Philadelphia exploded. A woman got into an argument with a white and black police officer. A crowd formed and a man that came to help her was arrested. Rumors began to spread in the churches and by word of mouth that two white police officers had beaten a pregnant white woman to death. As a consequence white businesses were destroyed, looted and ransacked. North Philadelphia never recovered as the owners of those businesses never returned. To this day, I know of only one guy, Mike, who still owns a deli in North Philadelphia. His family never left after the riots and today he keeps his store safe by being a friend of everyone in the neighborhood. Along with a shotgun under the counter and handguns in the pockets of all his employees. You'd never know the history behind his store when you walk in. He stands behind the counter with a huge smile on his face greeting everyone who comes in of any race. Best cheesesteaks in the city too. (Had to say it)

The churches have a power to convey messages to the community. As I speak they're used for manipulation and creating situations that are quite delicate. The last thing North Philly needs is another riot. So why not use some money and power to influence church leaders in a good way? Why not make say, a $50,000 donation and have the pastor give a special thanks to the kind men from the University you should all push your kids to go to? Sure it may be morally reprehensible but it's the fastest way to get the community of North Philly to band together and agree on something.. Of course you may have to forget that whole ten commandment thing as they often do. If there's anything people in the ghetto listen to in the end it's god

Becoming a man in North Philly

2011-04-25T17:03:00.001-04:00

I remember freshman year in college, I was taking my first semester of freshman English. My professor went into a discussion on how the male body is viewed in society. He explained that at times becoming a man was as complex and subtle as the nuances women went through growing up. We used a book in class for the subject written by Susan Bordo. It was my first real exposure to a feminist and how they viewed society. I was shocked at how deeply engrained gender norms were in society and how I could apply it to my own upbringing in North Philly.

I can't speak for the women as I don't come from there perspective in society. I have noticed that growing up in North Philly was fairly similar to everywhere else. Except for the ultra masculine nature of behaviors to the point they spark violence. Just like males from other places in the world there often exists an emphasis on being the ire of as many women as possible. On top of being successful and having the money to flaunt to everyone in the community. Which partially explains the cars with "systems" blasting music and flashy oversized jewelry combined with "rims" on cars. Want to test my hypothesis? Stare a guy driving one of these cars thugged out to hell and talk to other people around you about him. You may just notice the ego boost he gets from the attention he's getting.

It's important to note that this effectively replaces the stereotype of the "successful, fit man". Instead this is the "bad boy who can show he has money most". If he can intimidate people and make them fear him he gains the respect of both women and peers. If he can drive a nice large flashy car and buy those gold chains he must be rich enough to take care of you. Nevermind the fact he lives in North Philly, he just chooses to live there cuz he's "real". Those guys with loads of girls after them due to their local fame and "badness" got them lots of unwanted kids too. It's really quite an unpleasant cycle that of course has this as a component in it.

I remember as a kid I was quiet as hell but I had a reputation. Anyone that dared try to hurt me ended up getting violently beaten for a few hours. I wasn't known for stopping when someone begged me to do it. People had to come in and remove me from the person trying to push me around in the first place. Not something I'm particularly proud of today, but it kept me safe. I wasn't known for being flashy or breaking the rules so I wasn't popular. Just quiet and unknown for the most part, I did have a few good friends though. I was far from socially inept and could hold me own if I needed to. I just never understood the point of the "show" these guys put on all the time.

I remember this one guy that was probably 1/3rd my size attempted to get me to fight him for days. I suppose he was trying to impress the new girl on the block. I remember one day he kept throwing rocks at me while I ignored him and then out of nowhere I felt something hit my face. I thought it didn't hurt but later noticed streams of blood running down my face. My tooth had been pushed back too (to this day it still is), it was the tooth that got me to run down after him. His amazingly "hard" and ultra masculine personality quickly dissolved when he was being dragged against the floor in tears. His mother came out to scold me and call me a little monster, etc. Which then prompted the boys father to come talk to my parents. As soon as he entered my house he started cursing off my parents as loud as he could so other kids on the block could see how badass he was. He knew he was untouchable in that environment and relished in the show he was putting on.

I wish I was joking when I say that this is far from an isolated example. Hell, take a silly example and look at the ending of 8 mile. The guy gets booed off the stage for faking how hard he was. Distantly relevant but the same mentality is being perpetuated in many of these kids. This is where a program of my design would come in to construct the atmosphere of a successful educated person. I want those kids in the hood to see a guy drive down in an expensive from being successful and educated. I want him to take his family to his house and see all the things he accomplished without selling drugs or violence. I want to use the culture already engrained in that society to restructure it for the better. But look at what college gives you now, debt and a possibility of returning to North Philly while the guy who sold drugs lives in his house secure. The sad fact is that in order for me to change anything in that area I need to become financially secure myself. It's only through money and thus power that you can really have an influence in this country. But as of right now the only way I'll have that kind of money is through the lottery or entrepreneurship after college. Both of which I'll keep trying hard to attain, haven't given up yet. Stubbornness is the one trait from North Philly I haven't and won't get rid of.

The Lessons Poverty Teaches You

2011-04-21T17:01:00.002-04:00

Looks like I broke even this week at $210.95 I'm also thinking of starting some sort of way to make money on the side I'm not sure about yet. I'm also not sure about my living situation this summer and it's a point of concern but I'm hoping I'll find a solution.

I figured I'd take this week to talk about the hot button unemployment rate for graduates of college right now. I hear a lot of websites and articles buzzing with the impending student loan bubble that will pop with thousands unable to pay back their loans. Then I put it into the context of just barely making it into college and the whole thing is quite worrisome. If your sibling is the pride of the family and they just barely graduate from college and end up returning to "the hood" what impression does that give you of college? What happens when these first generation graduates go back home? If you think it's bad that so few impoverished students make it to college imagine what'll happen when they return. Do you think parents will think its worth the expense or effort? Some call this sort of thing a form of modern slavery intended to keep people poor and incarcerated and I agree to an extent. Part of me doesn't believe that this system is intentionally malicious but instead a product of the development of the country. But there are also good sides to being a "ghetto" kid with college issues.

In the Latino community at least, the families are closely tied culturally and at the very least your mom or dad will want you back. In some cultures that's true at least. I remember going to Atlantic City when I was 18 with a bunch of the older women from the neighborhood on one of those tour buses that rather shadily departed from the street corner across from the lottery vendor. Pennsylvania prohibited gambling at the time so the only alternative for those with the "itch" was to buy tickets to AC for the day. I remember on the ride back how happy most people where and the incredibly loud laughing and joking that went on. People would often say "we're poor but man do we know how to have a good time" on those gambling trips.

That was a valuable lesson back in those days, we viewed most people around us as equals. We had no class system, no division within our community. In my entire time living there my house was never broken into, our car never robbed nor our possessions stolen on our particular block. The drug dealers didn't appreciate people bothering those who lived in the block they sold on. It kept us safe as long as we stayed within the confines of our narrow street and were home and inside by 7pm. At school we were often told that drug dealers would try to entice us to try drugs so they could keep selling to us and lure us in. This wasn't entirely true in our case given that they care for our safety. If you tried to buy drugs at the corner you could be sure that they would drag your ass home to your mom and tell her what you were doing. They were far more interested in selling pot/coke to suburban kids of the same age who would drive up in their parents cars. To us, seeing the duality of their behavior ingrained a powerful image of "us" vs "them" in our minds. Of course at the same time they were the ones bringing violence to our lives. They were the same ones shooting us when their arguments got out of hand and we were in the way. The drug dealers also threw out any notion of protecting us from drugs as soon as turned 17-19 years old. They considered you a "man" then and worthy of joining a gang or pretty much doing anything you wanted.

But for those of us who didn't get involved in their mess we ended up maturing into very different adults. We see a crackhead, a homeless person, a drug addict, a prostitute or other "undesirables" very differently. There's something to be said about the kids that do make it through college. Their perspective on poverty and class ethics is invaluable to society. But these perspectives still need education and training in humanities to mature. I don't think people with these characteristics just pop up on their own once they "make it out". It's part of the reason if anything I think some college should be part of a persons life when coming from these situations. Otherwise they may turn out financially secure but with a very "fuck you got mine" mentality about the world or even hating those who were once just like them. It's something to consider as the future for these kids becomes increasingly uncertain.

Is college worthless to the kid in poverty?

2011-04-18T13:14:00.004-04:00

I won't talk about my portfolio again today. It took a smack in the face with S&P cutting its outlook for the US. I'm actually considering some form of entrepreneurship as well. I have some ideas for some websites that are dire need in the science but nothing concrete yet. I also would need to fund it and find someone to help me build it next winter which won't happen easily. It's all still in the air for right now, I wish I had a solid plan on that end. Oh well, the time is now to buy up what I can I guess.

I've also started to notice that there seems to be a large body of news noting college degrees are becoming less and less valuable.I'll chime in and agree, sort of. Having a BS, BA, MS or PhD nowadays really doesn't help much if it all in some industries. You do in fact take in massive amounts of debt and end up unemployed or being paid $30,000 with a PhD in many cases. Many of my friends are self educated and learned some programming languages while working right out of high school for the same amount of time I've been in college. They now make $98,000 a year and work 3-4 hours a week for a few internet companies. I chose to go into the sciences as a passion and ended up broke and trying to make myself somewhat financially secure for life now.

You might say that for someone from the inner city I've failed miserably. I'm broke and will likely be broke for my entire life. I will likely never be financially secure because I went and took the route for higher education. Now of course the data says the average income increases with a degree and it does open more opportunities and makes you more likely as a hire. However you do have no real world on the ground job experience and are worthless to employers in that sense. So to a kid in the hood who hears everyday how much money he can make just getting through high school is going to blow off college as many do. Especially when the risk of going to college means returning to somewhere like North Philly and staying there for the rest of your life completely surrounded by the problems in the area. What's worse you'll have no income or influence to an extent that you can make a difference.

However, there's one thing missing in this logic. See, college has this thing they call a core curriculum where people like me learn American Economic politics, Criminal justice, Art, Gender studies, etc. Things that you won't learn in an inner city public school. It's almost as if you're blinded in the inner city and never have the chance to have professionally designed exposure to philosophy and how the world works. Most people there don't know what the stock market is, how it works why it matters. Most don't know how anything in this world works at all. College core curricula help fill in the gaps for students from low income neighborhoods that were in classrooms completely counterproductive to learning. If they don't get these you end up with the masses of easily manipulated people that have no idea how their city and state government works.

Even worse is the lack of understanding in the sciences , most of it to them is "magic". Then you have uneducated masses voting on issues that they don't even slightly understand. That is where I think a college education is valuable to these students in leadership building and knowledge building. It's much harder to have someone fall prey to marketing tactics if they learned about them in college. Likewise with political scams on the local government level. I still know people that don't know what a bank does with their money and what their rights are for it. Others get their checks cashed at check cashing places because they're "trustworthy" and won't charge them as much as a bank to get their check cashed they think. What about the "santerias" or pretty much witchcraft stores in Hispanic neighborhoods that sell things like mercury illegally as a dietary aid. People don't know mercury is harmful they don't understand the concepts of a slowly developing poison.What about those that don't understand how taxation in the city works and fall victim to political games intentionally designed to fool them?

Is this the responsibility of high schools? I'd love to say yes but there isn't nearly enough time nor as I stated in previous posts the environment or resources to have this education out there for students.Some college core education is critical to break the cycle of poverty. However as can be seen by my attempts to earn income elsewhere it is not a financial security system. It only increases the chance that you will be financially secure although that statement is becoming less true every year. As costs of college go up the barrier to low income students rises and so does their exposure to criticism of the world they live in.

Ghetto culture is anticulture

2011-04-17T10:46:00.001-04:00

I just had an argument with a friend about how "gangster" culture is harmless. Every single time someone comes up with that excuse I think about a few things. A few years ago I remember talking to my nephews and finding out most of them had dreams of dropping out and becoming rappers. They had little to no interest in school because of the world they saw on MTV and BET. They bought that shit and ate it up. To an outsider it's hard to understand how fast one music video can change things for everyone in the "hood". But the effects are pretty drastic on the culture. Take "weezy" for example, once he became popular there were clones of him everywhere in North Philadelphia. They even tattooed themselves the same way he was tattooed.

I had friends that bought the clothing they saw in music videos the week they came out. Their language changed, the words they used changed. They were puppets to whomever was controlling the media on the television and music industry. Whatever culture or word was fabricated by the TV or radio was their world. This is far different from other ways of developing as a child. In other places books, comic books, affluent parents and great schooling provide counterweights to any lure from the TV. In North Philly you had the supermarket magazines and the corner store. The internet wasn't that popular either because it was still a baby back then. Interestingly enough though many places in "the hood" got DSL/Cable before the suburbs did because it was so close to the data centers in the center of the city. It's just not many people knew what the hell the internet was or how to use it. It was considered "one of those white people things" and thus not very useful. Except of course for the one smart guy that bought a bunch of blank CDs and downloaded napster songs or whatever movies he could for $5.

Of course I'm overgeneralizing the situation here. There are obviously people out there with good parents that knew about books and other things to counter any advances by a media monster bent on controlling these people. But in general most of these kids are just cogs in this machine. They're slaves spoonfed this culture into their brains by peers and media to keep them uneducated and in the hood. Wouldn't want those brown people thinking after all, that's too dangerous. Go into a church in "the hood" and see who's sponsoring the church and what messages the church is spreading.

But then so what? So what if a bunch of people think the world really is like the music videos they put on TV? R&B is far less crazy and has positive messages from various artists so what's the harm? Well the harm is people take that sort of thing seriously.and reinforce the violent mentality they see around them with music and television. The result is a young adult with a mind that thinks everyone out in the world must be punished very violently and they must instill fear in others or they're worthless to society. They're weak and pathetic to everyone around them. When was the last time you've seen someone in "hip hop" culture that's openly gay? What about the rappers whose career rides on their time in "the hood", when have they ever shown any emotional weakness?. What could possibly be wrong with having that mentality?

The worst case I ever saw personally was with an argument between four people. One guy stole the others cell phone and got caught. So now you had four guys staring at each other each backing their friend. However ghetto culture tells you not to call the cops, "no snitchin" you see it in hip hop comedy and music too. So of course these enterprising young gentlemen take the situation into their own hands. I woke up at 4am at a huge orange glow in the center of the street and lots of screaming. It turns out they had stabbed the two thieves 238 times and put them in their car outside and set it on fire with them still alive inside. The neighbors tried to put the flames out on one of the passengers in the car with hoses, ineffective. The other was burned to a crisp inside, clearly dead and ignored for the time being. As I saw this man rolling around on the street on fire my mom was going nuts thinking it was my dad. It was the same model car as him so I had to actually go up and check that it wasn't my dad rolling around on the floor on fire for her own mental secuity. It's one of the more... interesting... things I've had to do. I told the neighbors to cover him with a wet towel if they could instead to put out the flames. Thankfully that worked and a few minutes later the place was swarming with police and fire department crews.

POLICE FIND 1 DEAD, 1 HURT INSIDE A BURNING VEHICLE Police found the severely burned body of one man and another man suffering from stab wounds inside a blazing four-wheel drive vehicle in Hunting Park yesterday. Officers and firefighters responding to a call found a black 1986 Chevrolet Blazer engulfed in flames at 4:21 a.m. in the redacted block of North Marshall Street. Inside were the dead man and the second, badly burned man,

The news stories always run these things in such an "exciting" tone. At the time I didn't actually know why those random men were on fire in front of my house. I didn't know why anyone would want to do that to someone I didn't even recognize. I took a criminal justice class for undergraduate for kicks and found out my professor used to work as an assistant to the DA in the city. He started talking about a car on fire with two people stabbed inside and I stopped him to ask if it happened to be in 1998 on my particular street. Ended up being the case, he explained that when the case went to trial the two guys who put them in there were confused as hell that the guy survived being burned and stabbed in a car. It was a fairly quick case for the jury because it was all over a goddamned phone. No, unlike civilized people you can't be a snitch or a little bitch about it. Of course not the reinforcement to the culture doesn't allow you that flexibility. Now of course people will go "not everyone is bad stop generalizing X point". But it doesn't matter what point I'm generalizing, the fact of the matter is there's something, anything reinforcing these behaviors and that is enough to cause an issue.

Going to school in the warzone.

2011-04-16T14:18:00.003-04:00

My account broke even last week so I won't even bother with it for now. Google's profit loss hit me in the gut and screwed me up for the week.

I remember what middle and high school were like in North Philly. It was an experience to say the least and something you wouldn't want to go through. Once you walked up the staircase to the front of the school you were greeted by a metal detector, bag check and armed security. They were checking for weapons before you entered the pen with the other animals.

The teacher would stand up front and lecture and you'd have two out of 37 actually paying attention. The rest sat around on their cell phones or talking to each other. Sometimes you'd pass dime bags around the back of the class or something equally stimulating. Other times there would be intellectual discussions about what rapper was richer, badder and generally better than the other. Sometimes rap battles would break out in the back while everything went on. The teachers were powerless over those students, too many to handle and too many to bother. They also still had a job to do so they kept teaching. I guess they hoped the trouble makers would allow the ones actually paying attention to do something. Which they did when they were preoccupied in the back with other things. Most of them were just waiting for the day to drop out, they had no interest in being there.

I remember seeing what schools were supposed to look and feel like on TV. I remember seeing movies and going, hell that's not my school at all. I was told by my peers that those are just "white people schools" full of pussies anyway. The thought lingered though, especially since I was one of those actually paying attention to my teachers and trying. I remember seeing teachers come in and going "this isn't going to work out, sorry guys" and walking out on us mid class. I always wondered if kids in suburban schools had that happen. I remember our lunch hour too, I wondered what the food was like at other schools and if lunch was as tense as it was here.

Lunch was one of the more tense hours of the day. Our lunch hall had 6-8 security guards standing watch as we got our lunch and sat down. Blacks would sit with blacks, Puerto Ricans with Puerto Ricans and Dominicans with Dominicans. Crossing ethnic barriers was a bit tricky. It was tolerated if you were friends, but don't you dare try and talk to someone across ethnic barriers without already knowing them. One of my friends learned the consequences of it very early on and paid very dearly for it.

He was a shorter kid, half black half Puerto Rican. He also had a crush on this black girl who sat on the "black" side of the lunch hall. I kept telling him everyday "you better leave that shit alone you don't know the kind of shit you'll get into man". I told him to at the very least get her number in class and meet her outside of school. Of course as usual in life no one ever listens to me and he brazenly went off to setup his little date by going to the "black" table and talking to her and her friends. At first everything was alright he was pretty happy and no one seemed to notice at the time he had talked to her. However most "hits" that are setup in high school are never carried out in the school. The swarm of security around you ensures that you're not getting hit there. Not to mention they scan us for weapons so we're much safer than normal. But you have to go home, you have to get on that SEPTA bus to your house. You're also by yourself and who knows, accidents happen on the way there.

The next day he was bragging the entire time in class about how much pussy he was going to get and how I was worrying too much. I needed to stop being a little bitch I was told. I had gotten a ride home that day and was comfortably at home playing the original Halo. Thus I was in my "zone" and not to be bothered and turned off my phone. At about 6pm I heard frantic banging on my door. It was my friend, he had been chased his entire way home from school by 6 black guys saying they didn't want a "Goya ass motherfucker" touching their girls. They'd set a dog on him and he had his leg littered in puncture wounds and gashes to his skin. He asked me for some hydrogen peroxide for the wounds and I kept staring at him like was crazy. My parents were out doing the groceries so I was left to tend to him on my own. I rushed him inside and shut my lights off and closed my blinds. Last thing I needed was them coming into my house because of him.

I sat him on our metal chair we use for sitting outside because I thought the blood stains wouldn't stick. I took a look at his leg and started dabbing his wounds with gauze and alcohol. He told me they dragged him by the neck as soon as he got off the bus and started beating him. Then everyone just took turns using everything they could to hurt him as best they could. As he bitched about the sting of the alcohol I kept noticing the blood didn't stop flowing. I told him he needed to go to the hospital and he just kept replying "naw, fuck that, fuck that, that's pussy shit". Then I saw a spot on his shirt just get redder and grow in size. I lifted it and noticed he had been stabbed a few times and a 2inch piece of his flesh had been cut off the side of his stomach. At that point I punched him in the face for being a dumbass and called 911. I rode the whole ride to the hospital with him. The doctors said they were amazed he walked for so long while losing that much blood.

Two weeks later someone shot the girl he was interested in. She had been walking to the corner store when a shooting broke out. After that, I never saw him so damned silent. Luckily most of the bigger Puerto Rican seniors started to look out for him after that. They took pity on him for having that misfortune. My parents started to pick him up and take him home when they found out. He dropped out about a year later and disappeared into the streets. I haven't heard from him since. This is why when I say a support network needs to exist I mean it. That kid found a refuge in my home, he needed a refuge he could stay in and a school he could take refuge in. I hope one day I make enough money to make that happen.

Another story from Hunting Park.

2011-04-14T13:16:00.010-04:00

Looks like a solid gain today, highest since I opened the account. I'm looking at a one day profit $3.98 totaling $209.22 Not too shabby.. I might actually turn a profit after broker fees if the trend continues. Right now I'm planning on keeping up with the dollar cost averaging at $100/month. I'll diversify my portfolio a bit from the technology stocks I'm in now and obviously bring in some bonds and ETFs this is just an initial start for my investments.

If you look at the area I used to live it's not hard to see the kind news that comes out of Hunting Park in North Philadelphia. Combine this with the Local newspapers stating that violence hinders education (duh) and you can see why it's hard to get out of the cycle. If you look at their data it seems that at the very least shootings and stabbings in schools are only at 0.2%! It's actually gotten a bit better since my days but this is still no environment that is poised to produce the future leaders that will turn the city around. However the type of violence has never really changed and the kids that live on my block today still live through what I lived.

When I was a kid I remember quite clearly how quickly a situation outside could go sour. We had a "new guy" which we'll call Robert on my block that liked to pick fights with every single person in the neighborhood. I suppose that was his way of rebelling against his mother during his teenage years and showing the world how fearless and tough he was. I remember at one point he was the "cool" kid and we would all sit on his steps while he barked orders at his girlfriends.

He had two girls that would follow him around and he would command them to be his servants. Sometimes we were out on the steps and he would just go "Bitch, go get me some hugs (corner store drink) for the yung bos on my steps here". Off they would go to get us some drinks and maybe even some chips from the store. He even commanded them to perform sexual favors on the older kids when he demanded it. I don't know if they were attracted to the bad boy image or if something else was at play. But to this day I can't contemplate why normally aggressive and violent girls would take that from the guy. He quickly became every kids dream in the area this guy had women, money from selling drugs and a group of people following him all day. He was a celebrity in his own little world of North Philly. After a while he started carrying a gun to assert his dominance over the older kids on the block. You don't want to fuck with a guy willing to possibly shoot you. So there we were his little followers hanging out in front of his house everyday listening to his "wisdom" about pleasuring girls and "not being a pussy". Sometimes we'd be out at 3am without our parents knowing just hanging out watching movies at his house or something.

One day though, we were out on the corner which most kids tried to stay away from. He told us to just relax for a bit because he had some coke to push. These kids from the suburbs were coming by to pick them up. They were "rich as shit" he said and good customers he was willing to take their orders any time of day. A few hours later of just sitting around talking about nothing and a car pulls up with tinted windows. Robert goes over to talk to the guys inside and then suddenly he collapses onto the floor. He'd been shot in the head and the entire pack of us ran as fast as we could away from the mess. He was on the floor pouring blood from his head and that's the last thing I remember as I made my blind dash for my life. An hour later and there was police tape everywhere, the body had been moved by then. I came back outside and saw the two girls he was always with telling the police what happened. The next day I went to my magnet school in the better part of the city and as my school shuttle van came to pick me up I noticed the pool of blood was still there. In fact it remained there for days. I had never thought of that, I always assumed someone would come and clean the stains off the street. But it had a huge impact on all of us, sure lots of people hated the guy but to see a pool of blood on your way to school is a grim reminder. Concentrating in school was pretty hard, I was preoccupied with other things when I was there. To make things worse a fight broke out in the cafeteria a few weeks later because a group of kids decided to piss on his grave. People who were around him in life were guaranteed to get beaten on the way to school. How I managed to make it through school back then I still don't quite know.