I blog my life

Dentist's Diary #1

2019-01-25T08:27:00.002-08:00

Not sure where to start, but I'm pretty sure this is the first time I write a post about what I do daily. Today is the first time that I broke an endo file inside my patient's root canal. I know we're trained to be able to handle emergencies like this but to be honest, my heart just shattered into millions of pieces. I can't help but to blame myself for making such mistakes. In a more optimistic way, this is part of learning process. I think maybe the next time if such case happen again in my own practice maybe I'll handle it more nicely than today.

My friends keep telling me that I should just keep quiet and proceed as if nothing happened but of course its very unethical. At that moment I feel that confessing my mistake is the right thing to do so I reported the situation to my supervisor. So glad that she is super nice and helpful because instead of scolding me for making such stupid mistake she actually tried to find ways to help me by contacting the residents. I can see she's trying to make this requirement counts so that I can get my things done a.s.a.p. However, I don't put too much hope because things might not go accordingly. 1. She might ask me to refer my current case to residents and I find another patient. 2. She might ask me to see another senior supervisor. 3 She might just cover up for me and we both act as if nothing happen. 4. She might ask me to refer residents to remove the broken file and the rest will be back to me and everything goes accordingly again. I don't know how I should see this matter anymore. Already cried in the clinic just now because I feel so worthless. I'm just a vulnerable person. I just feel that my whole world is crashing down because before this thing happen I thought everything will be fine but the truth is shits happen. I can't stop shits from happening. Maybe this is a challenge from God, to make me learn my lesson. To make me a stronger person.

This is obviously not the first mistake I've made so far in my clinical years. But those previous mistakes are forgivable but today's mistake, I can't even forgive myself. I'm really upset with myself I don't know what I should do now. My peer pressure is making me nervous and anxious, and that I cannot screw up any of my patients if I wanna do my exit exam in April. After today's incident I can't see hope anymore. I'm not sure if I can get my things done just in time for exit exam or not. Just kill me already. I'm too stressed up and fucked up. When is this torment gonna come to an end?

Missing home

2018-12-02T17:53:00.001-08:00

Hello December 2018! Why do you fly so fast, time? It feels like yesterday that I just stepped into 2018 and now its already the last month of the year. Its December and I'm still stuck here in Bandung. I really missed home. I wanna go home and celebrate Christmas and New Year with my family. Oh well, I don't really celebrate Christmas but I just missed those gatherings that my family will do on New Year's Eve. I've missed so many years of New Year's Eve gathering and I don't know why this year particularly I just feel so saddened by the fact that I'm not going home for New Year. Maybe my heart is really tired. I'm conscious that I'm doing this for my future, for the job that I wanted but sometimes I'm really exhausted. Emotionally exhausted I would say. I always have this thought of putting everything aside and just leave this place for awhile and come back again when I'm fully replenished. I wish I'm carefree enough to do that.

Now that its the last month of 2018, maybe I should start thinking about my 2019 New Year resolutions.

1. Spend wisely, stop buying unnecessary things.
2. Eat healthy, exercise.
3. Read more.
4. Stop feeling bad about life.
5. Be a kinder person.

Be a better Hui Lin in 2019. Cheers!

2018-07-04T06:49:00.000-07:00

I've got the feeling that everything is coming to an end soon. But the mischevious side of me can't wait for the end to come. Can't blame me, 6 years of time is not a short period of time. I came to Bandung when I was 19. I am 25 this year, turning 26 in 8 months time? I can say that my youth has been given to the university. From a childish, always seeking for attention girl to now a young woman, I feel that many of my life changes happened here. From single to getting a boyfriend, it happened here. From a person who can't let go of anything to a person who understands the meaning of 'everything happens for a reason'. Life has taught me so many things in these 6 years time. People always say that growing up is an intimidating process, can't deny it especially when I notice the growth within myself. I can confidently tell people that I'm no longer the same person as I was when I just came here. I witnessed the mental and emotion growth in myself.

As I'm getting near to completing my studies, once in awhile I ask myself "what do you see in yourself in 10 years time?". Man.. this is a tough question. I'm not sure if I will become very successful in 10 years time or not. Maybe I will still be working in a government clinic, getting stable income every month. But the latter is not what I want in life. I want something more. I wanna do something related to my passion. 10 years later, I hope I will still remember this blog and I will re-read this post.

After graduating, I will enter the next chapter of my life. In the next chapter, please write a good one. The longest chapter ever in my entire life. Hui Lin oh Hui Lin please make sure it is a really good one so that I will have no regrets when I reach the final chapter.

I am so close to where I wanna be

2018-04-08T07:31:00.003-07:00

I am so close to where I wanna be yet it feels so far. I know I've came a long way, right now I just have to keep moving forward without worrying because I'm almost there. Talk is easy. Because 'almost' is unmeasurable. I can't predict what will happen tomorrow and this is killing me every single day. I blame the hormones because negativity hits me real hard when I'm emotionally unstable. Right now I miss home so much. I just wanna leave this place. Can I just put aside everything for awhile and go for a trip and have some good times? Can I?

Another thing that bothers me so much right now is human. Ok, I'm a human so I know I don't have the right to judge another human being. BUT humans do scare me sometimes. Especially when they are so desperate for something. Maybe its for survival, I don't know but I don't feel comfortable to be with people like this. Anyways, not important because once I leave this place I'm not gonna see them anymore ugh.

What will my future be like? What kind of person will I be next time? Future is so intimidating. Can I still live the life that I've been dreaming of? What will this world become in 20 years time? FUCK I shouldn't even be worrying about stuff like this, someone please slap me to death.

Breath Huilin, breath.

The start of something new

2017-12-09T03:06:00.000-08:00

The end of 2017 marks the beginning of something big in my life. Something which requires commitment, faith, loyalty, trust and love. My heart breaks a little every time I think about it, life goes on and this post must be completed. Exactly 5 days from now, I will be parting with my boyfriend. No worries, we're not breaking up. In fact, we're starting a new and different journey. I've heard so many long distance relationship stories, some are so inspiring and some are so heartbreaking. Now that I'm going to experience this whole LDR thing myself, I hope I can keep this relationship going. People changes, I don't dare to say that this is gonna work out but at least I will try. The thought of this LDR thing is so intimidating. I'm so scared. I'm afraid of losing him. I've seen LDR that makes the couple love and appreciate each other more but I've also seen LDR that breaks up the couple.

I've always take his existence for granted. But now that he's gonna leave soon, I regretted why I did not appreciate him more when he is around. I think I suck as a girlfriend. He has been my support system since I started my clinical year. Whenever I'm stuck he was there to help me. Whenever I need someone to listen to my rants, he was there. Oh God, please give me the strength to overcome this hardship that is coming my way.

Note to self

2017-09-09T01:08:00.002-07:00

Here I am, writing again.

I just realized that I always write when I'm at the lowest point of my life. Maybe because no one understands me or I can't talk to anyone about it. And I've come to a point where I feel that talking to people about my problems wouldn't help. Because I will still be upset even after talking to people about it. So, why bother talking it out?

Time flies. Without myself noticing, I've been a Dental Co-Assistant for almost a year. Everything happens so quickly and soon it will come to a time where I'll have to send my boyfriend back to Malaysia because he is almost done with this clinical year shits. Why do I call shits? Because this place sucks. The facilities suck, the people here suck. I'm definitely proud of him for getting through this phase and I'm very much happy for him. After so many years of struggles, finally he could put a full stop to the life here. But some part of me isn't very happy because I know the day when he leaves will mark the starting of a different journey. A journey that I myself doubt if I could ever make it. I know its silly to think of something so farrrr ahead, something which hasn't happen yet. But I have to prepare myself to walk this journey.

Fear. Each and everyday I could feel the fear inside me growing and I don't know what to do. People always say that we have the power to control the way we respond to situations. But that just doesn't seem to work very well with me. I've turned into a very competitive person ever since I started my clinical year. In a not so good way, of course. I've became a person who envied other people's achievement. I know this is not healthy and I'm trying hard to let go of this mindset. I've became a person who compares my progress with my own friends, and I get upset when I find out that they are doing much better than me.

I just wanna feel happy and carefree. Happiness is so simple, but why am I having a hard time looking for it? What is it that I'm looking for? I've always wanted to slap myself back to my senses. I became so demotivated because of all the nonsense in my mind. Some days I'm so wise and some days I just feel like killing myself. Is there any remedy for sickness like mine?

I miss home. The last time I went home was two months ago. Two months feel like a very long time to me because I'm always upset. I'm homesick. I wanna go home but I can't because there are still tons of work waiting for me to do. I can't afford to go home right now.

Note to self. Give yourself one year time. One year from now, whatever that is happening right now, whatever struggles that I'm going through right now won't even matter anymore. Set goals and focus on the goals. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

P/S: One year from now, will I be writing another blog post at home while waiting for my exit exam results? Just wondering....

Nobody says its gonna be easy, but will it be worth it?

2017-03-02T01:38:00.000-08:00

Ever since I entered clinical year, almost every week I will be emotionally unstable. Every single time when I'm feeling down, I feel like crying and give up. Road to becoming a dentist isn't easy. But is it hard because I'm incapable of coping with the studies or because I'm not good at practicals? The answer is no. Life as a Dental Co-assisstant in FKG Unpad is like hell because we're provided with very low standard facilities, we got scolded like a dog, we waited for the lecturers for few hours and nothing is done and the 'best' part is putting aside our pride to beg patients to let us treat so that we can fulfill our requirements. One good thing about this University is that our requirements are double of the requirements of other dental schools. Because we do double so we're more 'chio' ma... Studying and practicing here allow us to see all sorts of dental cases, some that we might not be able to see when we go back to Malaysia because the OHI of the people here are sooooo bad like omg..... Experience wise, I would definitely give my Faculty a thumbs up because we see so many conditions that other dental students don't see frequently. Periapical abscess, we see them all the time. Simply get one uncle from roadside also got abscess haha! After so many months working as a Dental Co-Ass, I already got used to the facilities here. No suction no problem! Lecturers on-duty lazy don't want to come, fine. I'll just ask the patient to come again. Today, I've encountered a situation that is so disheartening. Well, I sort of told my friends that I feel so humiliated. Here we don't have walk in patients. We have to find our own patients. "How?", you asked. "Go outside simply walk then simply ask lo". I can tell you, to survive here we cannot have pride. You want patients you have to put aside your dignity and go ask whoever you see on the road. Uncle, aunty or kids. So, one day I was walking around the place I staying. I met this young mother of three children. I asked her whether she'll let me treat her son, I told her I am a Dental Co-Ass. She said yes, we exchanged phone number. Few days later I brought his son to the clinic for check-up. This kid has a very bad OHI. Can you imagine a 9 y/o kid, his permanent molar just erupted and it already has a profound caries on that tooth, if I'm not mistaken the tooth is not vital anymore. Five deciduous teeth that need to be extracted and Four deciduous teeth that need to be filled. Fyi, here we usually pay for the treatment so that the patients will be motivated to come. And this particular pediatric patient I already planned to pay for all his treatment as long as he's cooperative and will come every time I ask him to. I even told her mom that you kid's teeth have many problems and need to be treated and her mother said okay. I told her to come with her son so that he won't be so anxious. But after so many times trying to make her come, yesterday she told me to go get her son from the house because she's working and she has no time to bring her son to the clinic. I was like, okay why not? So I went to her house with an informed consent for the kid's father to sign. Jeng jeng jeng, climax coming! This is when I got humiliated. I gave him the informed consent, I told him if he's willing to let me treat his son please sign the informed consent. After reading it, he asked me "So my son let you treat will have risks? And if anything happens I cannot claim anything from you ah?". Then I told him that the risks of dental treatment is so little so you don't have to worry. The he replied "But here says cannot claim anything leh, how am I suppose to let you treat my son if got anything happen you cannot pay back to me". He then said I think you don't extract my son's teeth la, so risky. Because I told him I will do extraction first. Then I said, "If you don't want me to extract then its okay maybe I can do filling for him? Cause he has a few teeth that need to be restored". "But, is my son willing to let you do the filling?". "If he doesn't want to I won't force him but I can try if you allow me to". "Hmm, I also his parent, I think I don't agree that you treat my son. I think my son's teeth no problem, why do you wanna extract and restore. Later you worsen his condition how?". "From a dentist's perspective, if a tooth already cannot be restored must be extracted to prevent infection next time". "Last time you bring him go check up only never mind la but I think if need to do treatment I think better don't". And so I left his house. I got rejected by my patient even before I start treating him because his father thinks that I will only worsen his son's condition. I cannot say that I'm doing this without expecting anything in return. Yes, I'm doing this for my requirements at the same time I'm trying to help you to give your son a good oral health. What did I get in return? I was humiliated because you think your son has no problem but the truth is his oral hygiene. Dear father of patient XXX, you are totally hopeless. As a parent, you don't care for your own kid's oral health. As a normal person, you seriously have some attitude problem. If you wanna decline treatment just kindly say my son doesn't wanna be treated he's not ready. Your act only let me think that you're actually asking money from me because you know Dental Co-Ass can be exploited easily because we need requirements. From what happened today, I can only conclude that the father is trying make me pay him $$ only he let me treat his son. How should I describe people like you? Illiterate? Sorry to say that you won't get a single cent from me. I'm gonna pray everyday, pray that your son will get massive toothache and swollen cheeks one day because you refused to let me treat your son because I wouldn't pay you money. I hope when your son is sick and you've got no money to pay for his treatment. I want you to call me back one day saying you need my help and at that time I will tell you straight to your face "You said I'm gonna worsen your kid's condition so I won't treat him. You get someone else to treat him". People like you should be treated like assholes because when other people offer to help you and be kind to you, you think people owe you and you ask for more. Don't worry, one day your son will get dental abscess I assure you. Since you think his oral health is completely fine, I wish you best of luck. And I wish you'll be humiliated the same way you humiliate me. End of today's exciting and thrilling story! Before I sign off, I still wanna say abit more. I think I'm getting more and more depressed because every week I see my friends so busy but I can only stare into blank space because I don't have patients. I don't have pediatric patients right now, after I lost the one I mentioned above. Sigh, thug life. God, can you please show me a way to get a lot of patients? Desperately need patients now haihhhh.

Maybe I need a break

2016-08-27T07:09:00.002-07:00

Don't I have the right to be alone? Don't I have the right to reject? Am I your puppet or what? To be frank, right now at this very moment I just feel like giving up on this relationship. I should be happy in a relationship. Not being pathetic and let you haunt me most of the time. I deserved to be loved and be respected. All you do every time you're not happy about something I did, you just fucking ignored me and expect me to realize the mistake I did, when the truth is I don't think I did anything wrong.

Why did I reject not going to your place? Because I wanna be alone. I wanna be alone to clear my mind and most importantly, to heal myself after so much bullshits happened to me for the past few months. You think it's easy? You will never understand what I've been through and why I'm so upset about me because YOU ARE NOT ME. You're pissed because I rather lock myself up and not going to your place to accompany. You think I'm pessimistic. Yes I am. I don't usually think of the bright side. That's who I am, you should have knew it. So why can't you just respect me, respect my decision. Let's me be who I want to be and never judge me. This is a very basic rule in relationships. Clearly, you don't even think that you're wrong. I'm really sick of it. I'm sick of you always thinking you're right. I'm sick of you always making me feel guilty when I'm not even the one that was wrong.

You might not know about this, you made me cried a lot. You made my heart broken for so many times. But I never tell you because they said we should tolerate each other in a relationship. I just let it be and I never talk about it. You know why I never talk about it? This brings back to what I said earlier: You will make me feel guilty when I'm the one who is supposed to be angry. Do you see the problem in our relationship?

I don't know how long I can take this. Even though sometimes we get over the fight really quickly, but that doesn't mean it never happened. Every fight we got into leave scars in my heart. People get tired. One day I'll be tired. Would you please love me a lil more and appreciate me a lil more? Don't force me to do things that I'm not happy doing. I hate it when you make me do something that I'm not even happy doing it. I'm doing it because I don't want you to be mad at me.

God, please show me the way. How should I overcome this obstacle in my relationship?

PMS

2016-08-16T03:26:00.001-07:00

Here comes the week of the month, when nothing goes right. The week of the month when every single thing pisses you off. Thank you PMS. You make me feel like crying every single moment when I think of 'that' thing. I'm trying not to talk about it because the boyfie said you don't have to repeat what you're not happy about. So yea, I'm so not going to talk about the current issue that is bothering me so much. I shall just relax and enjoy my two weeks holiday. It doesn't make any differences right whether it is next week or the week after next week. I have came a long way, waited since last year August, one or two weeks doesn't matter to me anymore. But I never stop questioning whether equality still exists or not. Two groups of people paying the same amount of money but one of them gets extra three months to work on their requirements. People always say that everything happens for a reason and up till now I still can't see the reason. What privileges that we are getting that the group one people don't? So many hows and whys going through my brain right now. I wanna be happy. I wanna be positive. I wanna graduate asap. Can someone tell me how my life would be 5 years from now. I'm eager to know when I will graduate and get myself a one way ticket back home and never come back here again. I know its stupid to talk about graduation when I haven't even start the battle. How would my KO-ASS life be? Will I get a lot of patients and everything will go my way? I have nothing much to ask for. First, I want my parents and family to be happy and healthy always. Second, I want to be happy and positive all the time. Third, I wanna settle my clinic requirements by FEBRUARY 2018. Right now, I'm only asking for these three. PMS, please go awayyy because you're killing me with all the emotions.

Tomorrow will be better. Jiayou!

Maybe COURTESY is not in your dictionary

2016-06-11T06:10:00.001-07:00

It seems like blogspot has became a place where I express all my dissatisfactions. Because there is no one there to listen to most of my rants Maybe there is someone, my Zhang Bao. But Zhang Bao doesn't understand sometimes. He doesn't get why I'm not happy. Anyways, back to the point.

Courtesy. It means "the showing of politeness in one's attitude and behavior toward others". Politeness in attitude. Maybe you don't know that cutting off or interrupt when someone is talking is pretty rude. Maybe you're too comfortable, you thought we're close friends and therefore it's okay to be not so polite. But let me tell you, no matter how close we are or how much I don't give a single shit about how you treat me, I am your friend. Aren't you supposed to be polite to your friends? Okay, let's just make it simple. I am your friend. I am not you family members. Therefore I am not obligated to accept or agree or tolerate your not so polite attitude.

Maybe you will say I'm sensitive. Yes I may be sensitive but you hurt my feelings too. You make me question my own existence in the group. You make me feel like a loser. Maybe you don't see how much that affected me. You apologized and I accepted. I forgive but I never forget. I won't forget how you always treat me like a transparent figure. I won't forget how you interrupt me when I was talking in a group and the other group members listened to you instead and forgotten that I was talking. You have a loud voice, that's undeniable. And I understand that the loudest person gets most attention. Frankly speaking, I am annoyed. You're an attention seeker. You seek for attention more than anyone else in the group.

I'm not going to hate you. I'm still going to be nice to you. I just hope one day you get treated exactly like how you treat me today. By then, you will understand how it feels like to be nobody in a group of people. Lastly, I hope you know that sorry is just a word. Everyone can say it. One 'sorry' won't repair the damage that you've done.

Before 2015 comes to an end

2015-12-09T00:36:00.001-08:00

Before I even realized, it's already December 2015. Two more weeks to Christmas and three more weeks to a brand new year.

What happened during this whole year? I don't remember...

Recently, I've been really stressed up because of my minor thesis. I didn't get to enter the first batch of proposal exam. My draft still not very good, hanging there nothing more I can do. Friends went back to Malaysia and every now and then I feel like crying because I wanna go home too. The feeling when you see your friends are going home because they settled their stuff sucks, like seriously. They get two weeks of holiday, which I envied a lot. But what can I do. I'm not done with my proposal, do I even have the reason to go home. I really miss home. I wanna get away from this place, just for a little while.

Because I'm so desperate to go home. I bought myself an air ticket to go back on 22nd. Yayyys! My hope is that 28-30th will be free but some asshole just decided to spoil my holiday by putting an exam on the 29th. Well-played! Idk what to do. Called dad and he said it's okay just come back for a week and go back to Bandung again on 28th if you really have to.... BUT STILL. My dream is to stay in Malaysia till January. Please God, please... if you're listening to me.... I sincerely pray that the lecturer or any big boss who can alter the schedule to postpone the exam date to 4th. If not, 11th. IF NOT, just bring forward to 21st. Man, don't put it in the middle of nowhere. Do you even know how the Malaysian students feel?

Please God... I'm begging you.... I really feel like dying because of this uncertainty.

Dear FKG Unpad, I sincerely hope you don't play with our feelings anymore. We came all the way from Malaysia to pursue our dream. Despite of all the shitty things you did to us, some part of me still hope that you actually cared about us. Just, don't do any more stupid things. Let us go home!!!!!

I have some feeling I'm gonna ki siao soon. Till then.

25 days

2014-06-25T01:19:00.001-07:00

I was pissed. I scolded him. And I felt guilty few hours later. What kind of shit is this? Sigh. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I overreacted. But I know if I don't correct him now, one fine day I will explode again. Might as well just tell him what I disliked so that he wouldn't do it again :/ Yea la I'm such an asshole girlfriend. He probably had no idea what was the reason. He just knew that I was mad. Anyway, luckily everything is fine again phew~ I'm trying my best not to argue in this relationship. Oh wells, hopefully we will stay sweet as long as possible. I love him, he loves me. We are happy familyyyyy~~~

2 weeks

2014-06-14T08:42:00.002-07:00

It has been two weeks since we're together. I'm still in the process of adapting. Clearly, accepting a new person into your life is not an easy thing. Maybe because I'm so used to being single, doing things alone that kind of thing. Currently, I'm having mixed emotions. I liked him. I really do but now that I've got him, I feel like going back to the days where we're 'just friends'. Aaahhhh I know you wanna slap me. Please tell me it's my hormone problem lol.

In the past two weeks, everyday I asked myself did I do the right thing, is it too quick bla bla bla. I'm not the kind of person who looks for short termed relationships. I take this kind of thing seriously. So, it really bothers me a lot whether I've made the right choice or not. Sigh.

I know he will treat me really good. Cause I can feel that he really cared about me.

Maybe I should try harder. Try harder to adapt to this new life with you.

"Maybe I'm not ready but I'll try for your love"

10:42pm 14/06/14

SO SICK

2014-04-12T07:18:00.002-07:00

I'm seriously so sick with emotional guys. What is wrong with you? I know you don't have to explain what is wrong to me. But you just don't have to show the emotional side of you. I don't care how you see me, what you think of me ANYMORE because I'm done with you. I just hope you can handle your emotions next time. Have you ever thought your emotions can affect the people around you? Yes, you don't give a damn but other people do give a damn.

It seems my sadness has turned into anger. I'm so tired. When everything seems perfect, something has to happen to destroy all the happiness and joy. Maybe my expectation was too high. I'm sorry. Sorry for expecting so much.

I shall now put a FULLSTOP to all these rubbish that is happening to me. EXPELL negative people from my life.

#$%^&*

2014-03-11T07:43:00.001-07:00

I feel so uneasy. I don't know why I'm feeling uneasy. I JUST FEEL UNEASY. I can't sleep I can't concentrate. Shit just got serious.

Why is this happening now?

Does it really matter to me?

What do I want?

What can I do?

Everything happened like God made. I know right.

2014

2014-01-14T09:03:00.000-08:00

First post in 2014! I'm finally home for semester break woohoooo.
I know it's a bit too late for new year resolutions lol but I don't have any resolutions, not like I will follow haha. But I do have a wishlist. A list of things that I wish to achieve/get in 2014..

1. Save more money.
2. Study harder than 2013.
3. Get A's in exams.
4. Get A's in socca.
5. Be a more carefree and happy person.
6. Super lucky in everything I do lol. I always think that luck is very important in everything. Exam, opportunity etc.
7. Maintain 46kg haha.
8. Be a nicer person.
9. Peace.
10. A***** wakaka.

I think there are alot more haha. But the most important thing that I wished for 2014 is good health and happiness for my parents, family, friends and myself. What is life if you're not healthy and happy? May 2014 be a good year for you, you, you and YOU. I love all of you <3

Assholes everywhere

2014-01-02T09:54:00.002-08:00

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??!!
I'm being nice doesn't mean you can be rude to me.
I'm being nice doesn't mean I enjoyed sarcarsm very much.
Most important, I'm being nice doesn't mean you can STEP ON MY HEAD AND JUDGE MY FAMILY MEMBERS.

Are you really that ignorant or no one actually taught you about manners?
You wanna tease me, make me feel stupid, being rude to me like I owed you etc, FINE. Anyhow I'm waiting for that one day that I will explode. But who the hell are you to say my brother is lame. And my brother didn't even do anything to you. You stupid ar?

From today onwards, you're going to be a piece of shit to me. Why do you wanna downgrade yourself liddat? Why you wanna make people hate your attitude? After all the conversations that we had, I can only conclude that you are like those ah beng ah seng out there, so no standard. Yes, you might be a smart person. But what's the point of being smart when you have attitude like that?

You told me you wanna work harder so that you can earn enough money to get a second hand car. Why? Because you feel so 'jit dor' cause no car for you to drive around in KL and go clubs etc. Dafuq. A guy no money also not that 'jit dor'. No car 'jit dor' to the max. People like you are the true losers lar. Seriously spoil my image if let people know we're actually born on the same day. But at least I don't have attitude like yours. Thank God I have a good family background.

You, can go get a wall and bang yourself to the wall. I see how long you can survive with your sarcarsm. God bless you. I hope you have a bright future. Shining so bright like a diamond. Asshole.

Break break break!

2013-12-02T10:00:00.000-08:00

One more month and I can finally go home again for my third sem break!!!!! I love how time flies when I'm here haha. But before I can go home, have to go through exams and socca sighhhhhh. Seriously why they don't banish socca? It's so disgusting ughhhhh. Anyway, I know I'll be fine. I just don't like the stress, the insomnia that I have to experience during socca period. C'mon let me get through all these stuff ASAP so that I can leave earlier T.T

Another reason why I'm dying to go home is because I really need to take a break. Not from studies but from the people here. Sometimes, I rather do stuff alone because I don't like the 'attachment'. I know it's very selfish of me to think this way because at some point of life, we still need friends. I'm not saying I don't need people to accompany me. What I mean is that I need my personal space. I mean, we don't have to do stuff together like ALL THE TIME right? I don't wanna shoot anyone. Prolly bcs I'm having PMS or what zzz. But yea, I still think people need to be more independent. When you have a problem, try your best to solve yourself lar. Not I don't wanna help but I have my things to do as well. Can't you see I have stuff to do zzzzzz haihhhhh. Okay I think I should stop complaining. The person I'm saying, prolly got my message after receiving a cold treatment from me. I'm so sorry but I just can't help it. I need my own space, that's it. It's not your problem.

Dear Mr. Time, please fly as fast as you can. I wanna go home happily and enjoy my holiday with ze friends and family. I wanna bake. I wanna paint. I wanna slack. I wanna get angpaos. So please Mr.Time. FLYYYYYYYYYY.

And... SEE YOU SOON, IPOH. MWAHHHHHH

2013-11-22T08:35:00.000-08:00

From a total stranger to classmate. And from classmate, you became a close friend of mine. Never thought we are going to be so close like now but it's sad to say, you're leaving tomorrow. People say when two person can become friends it's call fate. But when we can get along so well, it means we are people of the same thoughts. We have the same frequency in thinking. I wish I could make you stay and complete our degree together. But I know you'll be happier if you leave. Frankly speaking, if I can leave I think I would have do the same thing because of the shitty systems and some shitty people. I'm happy for you seriously. No more dramas and all. Best of luck in your future undertakings and I know you'll be very happy in Taiwan. I will update about our situations here. Please stay tuned for more epic dramas. You will be missed.

Haters gonna hate. Dogs gonna bark.

2013-11-12T10:59:00.000-08:00

I'm waiting for one day, when both of you will be alone till the end. Don't blame others. Blame yourself. You guys pushed people away, with that shitty attitude of yours.

And..

You will pay for what you did to me and Boon today. You will pay.

Oh ya. I'm so glad you told me my thoughts are like a xiao mei mei. So glad you didn't kira with me because I'm a xiao mei mei. So glad you came and correct the both of us. Cause we are two ignorant kids. Oh but I forget to tell you, empty kettle makes the most noise. You're so noisy so are you empty?

Thank you for underestimating the entire class. The whole class are just a bunch of idiots to you right? How come they are so stupid? Well, I just have to say both of you not very smart because you need a bunch of stupid people to make you look smarter right? Oi why don't thank us? lol

Step people's head to get higher, you wait for karma la.

And I wish the best of luck for the both of you. Because very soon, you guys will enjoy the 'two- person world'. No need to thank me.

Please, continue to be so outstanding. I'm waiting to see more dramas. Till then, biatch and asshole.

P/S: They gave both of you a name right? The dog couple. Suit the both of you la, very.

2013-11-09T06:22:00.001-08:00

Moms are always like that right, they never praise their own kids no matter how great they are. But deep inside, they actually feel so proud of their kids. Yea, typical chinese moms. My momzie also a very typical chinese mother, but I still love her no matter what. She taught me to be humble, never over- confident. Even though sometimes I hate how she made me feel so small and useless, but I understand all her effort. She want me to be a humble person. Don't have to tell the world how great you are because the people that know you will know how great you are. Alright, makes sense. She keep reminding me not to do this and that and study hard. And everytime she said that I've to convince her that I will be good and I will study hard. Sometimes in my heart I'll be like, aaahhhh you don't have to tell me that all the time. I will study hard.

I know I shouldn't be complaining or what. Because only moms will do that. Be grateful that I still have a mom to nag me all the time. Because some people they don't even have a mom by their side to talk to them or nag them. Yea, I will love my mom more. 100 or 1000 or 10000 times more than now. No matter how small she made me feel, I must love her till the end.

Mom, I might not be the smartest person in class, I might not be a top scorer. But I promise you I'll graduate in 5 years time and be a very good dentist in the future. And I know by that time, you'll be proud of me :')

Dear God, let this semester be better than the semester before. I'm very satisfied with my semester2 results so I hope I can maintain 3.0 and above till my third year. Two more months before I can go home. Gonna fight till the end and go home happily for holiday. Really can't wait to go home seriously. Miss mom's cooking, miss my bed, miss my family and I miss chao tau fu!!! hahahaha. See you two months later ;)))

What is friendship to you?

2013-11-05T05:31:00.000-08:00

Friends, kawan-kawan, peng you.... What are friends? I thought friends should make us happy. But why are we avoiding each other. Why are we keeping our distance?

Well, I wrote all these not because I care. Maybe you'll say I care because if I don't care I won't even write all these.. ughh whatever okay. I just feel that I need to express my feelings.

I don't favour both of you. I'm not afraid to tell the world that I memang different channel with the both of you. At first I thought it's my problem lar, I dislike the both of you so I'll just stay away from you all. But now, it seems like one group of us are actually keeping the distance. It's no longer a one man war. And this is what actually makes me feel uncomfortable. Even if I don't favour the two of them, I never want to see things like these.

Now that the gap is so obvious, I don't know how long we can stand. I'm afraid one day, I will no longer call the both of you as FRIENDS. No, we're not going to be enemies. Maybe acquaintance. A person one knows slightly but not a close friend.

I won't feel sad if one day I no longer call you guys my friends, because my heart already determines the status. We won't click because we're so different. I just don't wanna see the gap between you guys and my friends. Call me cold-blooded or whatsoever, because I know I will only hurt myself if I try to blend into their world.

Who is the culprit? Both of you? Us?
I think we've gone too far. So far till it's no longer important anymore because non of us wanna fix this problem. 4 more years to go, only God knows what will happen to the six of us.

Dear God,
I just hope that you keep the six of us in a group till this whole course ends. I'm not asking to be very close with them. I never want to anyway. Just close the gap between us and give me a peaceful life. Thank you.

You mad?

2013-10-20T09:09:00.001-07:00

I thought when I socialize less, I will get less shits. Already locked myself in the room all the time, yet I still get shits. Seriously, you eff-ing crazy or lack of attention? Is that one of your way to get attention? Congrats you succeededt. You got my eff-ing attention and I also saw your true colours. Big round of applause for you. No one told you small kids are nice. You're older and I thought you can think a teenie weenie bit wiser than me. Hey, if people around you are trying so hard to polish your shoes and ass, sorry I'm not one of them. I'm not here to impress you. And yea, I never put a knife on your neck and force you to talk to me! SO DON'T FUCKING TELL ME TALKING TO ME IS SO DEMOTIVATING. Did I beg you to talk to me? No. God sent me to earth to talk nice nice to you? Fucking no. So get lost and don't ever judge how I talk and how I think. I'm negative, my problem. Does it bother you? Obviously no. If it does, you're probably a worm in my ass. Or else I can't think of any reason why you will be affected.

You wanna M16 me, come on do it right bro. Don't bring up other issues. Seriously my crush scratched your car ar? Or set fire to your house? You wanna bring up this topic? OK CAN. You let me turn my crush into my boyfriend, I swear that will be the tightest slap I can give you and zip your mouth shut.

And I'm pretty sure, I will have the chance to give you that tight slap. Till then!

2013-09-14T11:11:00.000-07:00

I can't buy your love

Don't even wanna try.

Sometimes the truth won't make you happy,

Still I'm not gonna lie.

But don't ever question if my heart beats only for you, it beats only for you.

I know i'm far from perfect,

Nothin' like your entourage.

I can't grant you any wishes,

I won't promise you the stars.

But don't ever question if my heart beats only for you, it beats only for you.

Cause when you've given up,

When no matter what you do it's never good enough.

When you never thought that it could ever get this tough,

Thats when you feel my kind of love.

So addicted to this song I don't know why. Maybe because the lyrics explain my feelings.

And everyone says He'll find you if he wants to. If he doesn't, clearly he's not interested.

I can't deny because I have to agree with this fact. My heart feels so sour but not till a point where I wanna cry. I just felt the twist in my heart whenever I think of him.

Maybe it's not meant to be.

2013-09-11T10:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we have to understand that when it is not meant to be, no matter how hard we tried the result will still be the same. I wanted to be positive but my heart beats fast whenever I talked to you and I feel so upset because it was kinda obvious I was doing all the talking and all you did was reply to what I asked with no intention of continuing the conversation. For God's sake, I just wanna get to know you better. And perhaps if the progress is good, we can be good friends. I know it is very silly of me to get upset because of such matter because I don't even know him. I just know he's my senior, that's all. I don't even know his personality, what he liked, his stories all. I know nothing about him. I was too confident. I thought you would continue the conversation once I started it but you didn't. Yes they were right, you're a nice person because you did not ignore me zzzz I guess that is very nice of you. If for some mean people, they won't even bother to reply. I learnt my lesson. Things don't always go the way I wanted. I might have won the heart of someone I love before this but HuiLin, you're not going to be so lucky everytime. Not everyone will like you in return just because you liked them. You're so goddamn lucky if you found one. Ughhhhh f*** this shit. I don't know how long I can stand. I'm too stupid! Too stupid to think that you will fall for me. I needa delete you as soon as possible from my mind. I SERIOUSLY HATE ALL THESE SHITS. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GIMME SOME REACTIONS.