my so called life

Why

2015-06-18T21:52:00.000-07:00

Today was a day so hard as all get out
But I'm still alive.
It's not because I was fasting it just because I receive a God&r trial. And I gotta say sometimes I wonder why I'm still here and other people more deserving are not. People that are so kind heated. Idk I'm just tying to figure out this life one step at a time.

For an idea to exist, we must have words to express it

2015-05-07T23:27:00.000-07:00

For an idea to exist, we must have words to express it. When I first read this statement I was confused a bit by it, but after completing the novel 1984 I have some mixed feeling about this topic. My first complaint is that ideas can exist anywhere in the world or in your mind. I try to think about back in the early days of the bible where not all ideas were written down, but shown in actions but the people. Words can not dictate how an idea is expressed. You do not need words per say. The egyptians used pictures acting out the story or idea. There is a enormous amount of ways to express your ideas. I use instrumental music as one of my ways of expressing my ideas and feeling. Silent Films from the 30’s do a great representation of this because they use no words just the actions and music from the actors. We are still able to figure out what they are

LAZY DAY FUN

2014-04-15T19:57:00.001-07:00

MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

2014-01-01T22:14:00.001-08:00

What I Got For Christmas

2013-12-30T18:31:00.001-08:00

Imagine Dragons - Radioactive

2013-12-29T09:02:00.001-08:00

Christmas 2013 ootd

2013-12-29T08:30:00.001-08:00

LOVE

2012-10-07T14:55:00.001-07:00

It was such cruelty—to ask if he might kiss me & when I shut my eyes, to press the chloroform cloth against my nose & mouth!
For in the romance movies always the kiss is with shut eyes—the camera is close-up to the woman’s beautiful smooth face & long-lashed shut eyes.
And the romance music.
Except in actual life—there is no music. Only the sound of the man’s grunting & the girl trying to draw breath to scream, to scream, to scream—in silence.
& such cruelty, to slash the corners of my mouth smiling in terror & hope to “charm”—slashing my mouth to my ears so that my face that had been a beautiful face would become a hideous clown-face that can never cease grinning.
& my breasts that were milky-pale & beautiful—so stabbed & mutilated, the hardened coroner could barely examine.
& the autopsy revealed contents of my stomach too filthy & shameful to be stated—the man would subordinate the girl utterly in all ways, & why could not be imagined…
What I am hoping you will comprehend—if you would listen to my words & not stare in horror & disgust at the “remains” of me—(the morgue photos have been published & posted everywhere—there is no escape from shame & ignominy, in death—the two halves of me “separated” with a butcher knife the Bone Doctor wielded laying my lifeless body on two planks across a bathtub—in the house on Norfolk, that I had never seen before in all of my life—with this knife the cruel maniac tore & sawed at my midriff—my pearly-pale skin that was so beautiful & desirable—that my blood would fall & drain into the tub—& these halves of my body he would wrap in dirty plastic curtains to carry away to dispose of like trash in a public place to create a spectacle for all to stare at in revulsion & titillation enduring for years)—if you would listen to my words post mortem, I am trying to explain that though Norma Jeane has become famous throughout the world, as MARILYN MONROE, it was a chance thing at the time in January 1947, it was a wisp of a chance, fragile as those feathery spiraling seeds of trees in the spring blown in the wind & catching in your hair & eyelashes—it was not a decreed thing but mere chance that Norma Jeane would become MARILYN MONROE & Elizabeth Short would become THE BLACK DAHLIA pitied & scorned in death & not ever understood, & the cruelest lies spread about me. What I am saying is that if you’d known us, Betty Short & Norma Jeane Baker, in those days, when we were roommates & close as sisters you would not have guessed which one of us would ascend to stellar heights & which would be flung into the pits of Hell, I swear you would not.

2012-10-07T14:47:00.000-07:00

my biggest fear is that he does not like me at all and he is only useing me for my body. that goes throught my mind all the time i see him at school all the time but i can never find the right words to say. the otherday i saw him while standing at the doors leaving the liybray. he was walking my way. i was like i don't even know, but i could not speak all i said was HI and he said hey and left and that was it. that moment keeps going trough my head over and over again. he looks and i freez and i say HI like a dump ideiot and he says hey and leaves. uuurrrrgg i always feel so weird when im around him but in a good kind of way. what should i do

2012-09-17T19:10:00.001-07:00

my family is starting to get on my lask f**king nerve like no kidding im so tired off them. i somtimes being a teen girl just makes me want to die just dissapear run away idk just do someting. i wish i lived with my mother but nope that can't happen because my life just has to be so complicated . on a kinda good note i am going to be with "panda" after school tomrrow which should be losts of fun and im hope there will be no talking involed but who knows. he is helping me study for my perodic table of elements test which i like failed today so we have another one on friday. you know i think that the only person or thing that i can really get along with in this house is my dog and sometimes i don't like her very much either.
this week is spirt week which is so far going very well. today was gender bender day which was lots of fun and i looked "HOT" just saying lol. im super tired and hating life so im going to bed good night to all!!!

2012-09-16T19:58:00.002-07:00

i feel like he wants me to be his secrest like he wants to be with me but when it comes to being in front of people he is just not into it. i don't know maybe its me or is it him i have like him forever and i have waited for this monent for like the past 3 years but for some reason it just feels wrong. but i don't want to move on have to think WHAT IF. i wish i had someone to talk to about this i guess we will just have to see won't we!! well i have school tomrrow and i get to see him so i hope this all goes well WISH ME LUCK!!!

2012-09-13T19:01:00.002-07:00

OK maybe im taking this way to far who knows because i really don' t know. my life is just way to much for me to handle. i sometimes feel like there is nothing i can do to help my very weird situations. you see i am the median in about 10 of my friends relationships even my best friends which im not so ok with but that besides the point kinda. My friends expect way to much from me its crazy im only one person but to then im like the goddess of relationships but the funny thing is im not even in a relationship ahhaah. maybe they need more help than i do . im going to take a shower and havemore Eggo's chocolate chip waffles and then go to bed till next time!!!

2012-09-13T18:55:00.002-07:00

sometimes i wounder why high school is so complicated i just don't get it. so this guy that i like is now dating my best friend i think it best that we don't say his name. but any way for the past 2 months i have started to like this guy like you don't even know and out of no where she comes along and this just happens. i sound like such a bad friend urrrrgggg. and the other thing is he asked her out just TONIGHT and she still has not texted me to tell me which is really making me mad. And to make matters worse i kind hooked them up with out even trying someone help me i don't know what to do. HELP ME

2012-08-12T14:19:00.001-07:00

we danced so close that night it was like the world ended and it was just you and i. your all i think about every waking moment of my like i dont know whats wrong with me i need to see you to feel you to hold you to have you

2012-08-02T13:47:00.000-07:00

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

2012-08-02T13:45:00.002-07:00

Do not allow others to make your path for you .. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you

2012-08-02T13:43:00.001-07:00

Ignore the risk, and take the fall, if it's meant to be, it's worth it all

2012-08-02T13:40:00.002-07:00

Smile, forgive, forget, and keep moving.

2012-08-02T13:12:00.001-07:00

Luke 6:47,48 Anyone who comes to me and listens to my words and obeys them, I will show you what he is like. He is like a man who, in building his house, dug deep and laid the foundation on rock. The river flooded over and hit that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. (GNT)

2012-08-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

That moment when you want to forgive that person but you don't because the only reason you want to forgive them is because you're tired of being alone. All I wanted was to acually have a friend... a true friend... to have fun with and hangout with.... I always see girls with their best friends hanging out and having fun... All I want is to have that one friend to have girl talk, inside jokes... someone to talk to... and hangout with...

2012-08-01T22:38:00.001-07:00

PAIN IS THE WEAKNESS LEAVING YOUR BODY!!!

2012-08-01T22:34:00.001-07:00

Good Things Come When You Wait For Them ♥

2012-08-01T22:31:00.000-07:00

t's amazing how much fun you have
when you allow yourself to be happy

2012-08-01T22:29:00.002-07:00

Girls can say they want a gentleman. But some of you need to act like LADYS. Gentleman don't just appear. Take care of YOU. No gentleman wants a trashy lady. Same for guys no lady is gonna appear. Respect yourself and get what you deserve

2012-08-01T19:33:00.001-07:00

Being gay is a choice, actually. He created us specifically the way he wanted and knew everything about us even before we were born. He also gave us free will, therefore we can do what we want and choose to do certain things and although God is most certainly able to control whatever you do, He doesn't. God doesn't make people gay, it's a conscious decision that you make.