Just What You Expected....

Song of the Summer 2013 (PART TWO)

2013-07-04T10:00:00.000-05:00

Part 2 Continued....

D. Justin Timberlake - Mirrors

-Singalongability: Does anyone actually sing to this song? I'm not sure...
-Danceability: I don't exactly consider it entirely danceable....more so enjoyable?
-General Excitement:
-Timing: I think this was released in mid-March. Can it remain on the radio waves as often as it was? Or are people finally annoyed with hearing the song once every 17 minutes?
Total Score: 2 Uncle Jesse's

~~E. Psy - Gangnam Style~~

E. Mac Miller/Arian Grande - The Way

-Singalongability: Perfect for both the men and the ladies - always love a duet.
-Danceability: I feel like this is a pretty decent song for dancing to, in terms of a slow, seductive dance after drinking too much at a BBQ and trying to hook up with the neighbor before his girlfriend comes back out of the house.
-General Excitement: This song brings me right back to high school. When this song comes on in the car, the 2000 Corolla is bumping, 190k miles and all. I feel like I should be cruising the strip at Hampton Beach (NH pride).
-Timing: I think timing is fairly decent on this one...came out a bit later then the rest of the songs.
Total Score: 3.5 Uncle Jesse's

F. Anything by Taylor Swift. They all sound the same, and I can see even Lou Ferrigno or Holley Mangold singing it in the shower.

G. Robin Thicke - Blurred Lines

-Singalongability: Fairly fun song to at least attempt to sing to....myself not included. I refuse to acknowledge that Jason Seaver's real-life son is individually famous - he's riding coattails.
-Danceability: I question the number of men who would dance to this song in public, but then again, I question the number of men who would generally dance in public without either A. trying to please a girl, or B. trying to make a fool of themselves in public.
-General Excitement: Admittedly, I was not buying when my friend Bugman said to put this on my list as a song of the summer nominee, and it's taken a while for me to warm up to it, but I'm game now...
-Timing: Fairly good timing - started out slow a bit before Memorial Day, and is now in full swing.
Total Score: 3 Uncle Jesse's

And the winner? Pharrell Williams. I realize this isn't a song, but anyone who is involved in 2 nominee selections for song of the summer, plus took part in the commercial for the new Jay-Z album which annoyingly debuted during the NBA Finals and disclosed absolutely nothing after a whopping 3 minutes, officially "won" the summer of 2013.

Anyone have any other thoughts or disagreements? Feel free to comment. And have a happy 4th of July!

Song of the Summer - 2013 (PART ONE)

2013-07-03T01:11:00.001-05:00

With Memorial Day weekend in our rearview mirror and July 4th only a couple days away, the beginning of summer has officially begun.

True sign of summer

Summer comes with several great additions, including the ability to drink Bud Light Lime and have it be socially appropriate, the rule amongst my group of friends that undershirts may no longer be worn until after Labor Day weekend, and most importantly, that a new "Song of the Summer," or the "SOTS" will be crowned. Of course, by no means is my choosing of the SOTS an "original" concept; my friends and I have been doing it for years on our drives down to Newport, and New York Magazine does a pretty damn good job too. That being said, I'll give it a shot.

Now, I know what you're thinking: you can't rate the SOTS without a proper scoring system, right? Of course you can't. With that in light, I've created a (hopefully) easy and self-explanatory scoring system comprised of the following categories:

1. Singalongability (yes, I've created a new word) - Can you withhold the urge to sing this song out loud in the shower? In the car with the windows open? How about with the top down (for my "One Percenter" readers)?

2. Danceability - Fairly self explanatory - when you hear this song, you don't just want to dance...you NEED to dance.

3. General Excitement - How excited do you get when you hear this song?

4. Timing - Was this song released too early before summer? Has it lost some of its "Kavorka," as Cosmo Kramer would say?

Given my current location of San Francisco, I will base my scoring system upon 1990's heartthrob Uncle Jesse of Full House. 1 Uncle Jesse? Meh. 4 Uncle Jesse's? Have Mercy....

The Nominees:

A. Macklemore and Lewis - Can't Hold Us

-Singalongability: This may be "old man Matt" speaking, but he just sings too fast for me. I like mumbling the lyrics though.
-Danceability: Fairly fun song to dance to I guess...
-General Excitement: I think everyone still gets fairly fired up when they hear this song, no? Good at a club, in the car, in the shower, and even while you're watching ~~repeats of Chopped~~ the Giants game.
-Timing: I feel like this was released a bit early, no?
Total Score: 3 Uncle Jesse's

B. Icona Pop - I Love It

-Singalongability: As the song goes..."I don't care."
-Danceability: I think if I even attempted to sing to this song, I would be exhausted after 2 minutes.
-General Excitement: I may speak for myself here, but I feel like the women love this song, but the men, not so much...
-Timing: Wasn't this released even before "Can't Hold Us?"
Total Score: 2 Uncle Jesse's

C. Daft Punk - Get Lucky

-Singalongability: May be the most easy to sing and catchiest song of all the nominees. I feel like the hipsters, prep bros, and urban demographics can all embrace this song, "We Are The World" style.
-Danceability: Perfect song for awkward people with absolutely no rhythm to dance to. Just slow enough to look like you know what you're doing, but with enough background beat to separate the men from the boys (and women from girls).
-General Excitement: Though I think this song puts a smile on everyone's face when they hear it, I'm not entirely sure it's going to make me drop everything I'm doing.
-Timing: I feel like this song got some serious play just leading up to Memorial Day, which is perfect.
Total Score: 3.5 Uncle Jesse's

STAY TUNED FOR PART 2!!!!

2012 Grammys Revisited

2012-02-13T21:53:00.000-05:00

So in full disclosure, I didn't watch most of the Grammys. To be more accurate, I managed to miss everything except for about 15 minutes of the entire show as well as most of the red carpet pre-show (is there anyone that doesn't have a girlfriend that watches the pre-show to see "how beautiful the dresses are?").

Now here's the good news....not only did I catch Nicki Minaj's (and her Priest's) entrance into the awards, but I was also able to catch her performance. Thank god.

Anyways, here are my quick thoughts, in no order of importance.

-What in God's name (pun intended) was Nicki Minaj wearing? She looked like a giant Ewok. And what was that on her dress? I'm pretty sure it was the album cover of "The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill."

-I honestly don't even know what to say about Nicki's performance. It's been nearly 24 hours, and I'm still utterly speechless. I've spent a fair amount of time thinking about this, and still can't think of anything which could be funnier and/or stranger than the actual performance.

-Admittedly, I don't know much about DeadMau5 (is he a DJ? How old is he? Has anyone ever seen his face? Is he good friends with Banksy? Was that last joke even funny (leaning towards no)?

-Who's "blowout" came first? Paulie D vs. Bruno Mars.....discuss. In Bruno's defense, he seems like a fairly cool cat.

-Did the Foo Fighters really win like 5 awards, or did I wake up in 1998?

-I also managed to see Adelle win her last two awards, and although she seemed genuinely excited accepting her last award of the night, my reflection of her acceptance speech for the 2nd to last award was cold at best - it appeared like she was ready to throw the Grammy into the "rubbish" (I think that's what the Brits call it) immediately after she exited stage right. Was this like the 19th award she received last night?

-How does Bon Iver win "Best New Artist?" I'm the guy who heard Ja Rule's and spent the next week convincing my friends that it would be "THE" song of the year for college kids....in 2011. And not only do I know Bon Iver, but I'm pretty sure they already have a minimum of 2 albums out. *

-Can someone PLEASE tell me the difference between "Record of the Year" and "Album of the Year"?? I asked three different people today, and absolutely no one knew the answer.

-Congrats to Kanye and Jay-Z for their "Best Rap Performance" win with Otis. That being said, am I that crazy to argue that "N*ggas in Paris," one of their other hit songs off the "Watch the Throne" album, should have been at least nominated in this category, if not won? Is this the conspiracy theorist in me that thinks the Grammy people failed to include it because they didn't know what to say for the nomination? Has there ever been a song nominated which contained a profanity, and if so, how did they deal with it? That would be interesting....

Alright, I guess that's all I have....enjoy.

* Editor's note: Bon Iver is one of those classic bands that everyone wants to love, and say they love, but actually sucks. More specifically, I believe this is a hipster phenomenon, but I would argue this Bon Iver fire even moved into the mainstream. I can listen to them for about 5 minutes, and that's it.

Links of the Day - 12/21/11

2011-12-21T14:54:00.000-05:00

1. Wendy's 2.0
The people asked, and Wendy's finally answered. The restaurant will be redesigning a few of its locations as prototypes for a possible 2012 rebranding of all restaurants. I guess congratulations are in order, Wendy's. Now the inside of your place looks like a Panera with shittier food. I won't be coming any more often, and I won't be coming less often. As long as your drive thru is open past midnight, me and my drunk confidantes will still be rolling through in a taxi for a quick fix of chicken nuggets, and it doesn't matter whether Frank Lloyd Wright designed your restaurant or your uncle Bill, who has been out of work for 3+ years and needed a job. On a side note, I once downed 20 Wendy's chicken nuggets in one sitting on a bet....sober.

2. MBTA to use old tunnels for an exhibit?
Interesting article. Couldn't think of anything funny to say, so I'll just leave it as that. I kind of wish Boston had a subterranean set of individuals who live in the tunnels though, like in NYC. Sort of like an underground hobo.

3. NYC pad bought for $88 million
You have to love these Russians, throwing their money around like nothing, laughing in the faces of "puny Americans." Ivan Drago, Vladimir Putin, Mikhail Prokorov, Dmitriy Rybolovleva. I don't believe the Cold War is over - it went from a military angle to a "who can flex their financial muscles to pay egregious sums for things they don't really need" angle. I mean, that can be the only explanation as to the signing of Kris Humphries for $8 million, right??

4. Pest control, Dirty Harry style

First off, gotta like this guy's flair and ingenuity when it comes to dealing with Boston's rodent problem. Most people in this position would think about a handgun, but this dude Bill McaBee brought the thunder - a Smith & Wesson rifle.

5. Drunk History Christmas
Another gem from the boys over at Funny or Die. Not nearly as good as some of the other "Drunk History" episodes (are they called "episodes"?), but a cast of Gosling, Carrey & Eva Mendes can't be all that bad...

Drunk History Christmas with Ryan Gosling, Jim Carrey and Eva Mendes from Ryan Gosling

6. "Bored to Death" creator to provide free drinks on the house
Solid, classy move by Jonathan Ames in celebration of his show. Three seasons is better than nothing, right? Beware if you are located close to an American Apparel, Urban Outfitters, or Goodwill stores, New Yorkers....you don't want to be trampled by a pack of wild hipsters on the move to the Brooklyn Inn tonight.

7. Competitive eating gets a reality show
Introducing "Suzilla, The Mouth That Roars." Though I fully admit that I will never watch a single second of this show, it does make me realize that I wasn't actually that far off with my screenplay idea for a mockumentary based on the world of competitive eating which I had been throwing around about 5 years ago. Turns out that I was just ahead of my time, and I could have made a killing (as if I had film connections to get the thing made). I would be lying if I told you I knew where the hell the Planet Green Network was on my cable dial (do people still use this phrase?), but kudos to you, Planet Green.

8. Jeremy Bloom is a pimp
World class skier? Check. NCAA all-american in football? Check. NFL player? Check. One of Forbes' "30 under 30" for technology? Check. Seriously, what can't this dude do...I think I just got a man crush.

9. Stephen Curry goes back to school

An NBA star arrives back on campus at small, liberal arts Davidson College to try to finish up his degree during the lockout. If you insert "Stephen Curry" with "Matt Dominici," "Davidson College" with "Bates College," and "basketball" with "social pariah," then these stories are virtually interchangeable

Links of the Day (abridged version) - 12/20/11

2011-12-19T16:13:00.000-05:00

1. Ryan Braun - not doing PED's after all??

Pictured: Lloyd Braun- Ryan's Dad?

So Ryan Braun is now alleging that he tested positive due to medication he's taking for "a private medical issue." My thoughts are it's either something weird like gout, or else it's what everyone thinks it probably is: ______ (insert your favorite STD here).

2. New Will Ferrell movie
Has Will Ferrell done it again, or has Will Ferrell done it again? Newest movie from the boys over at Gary Sanchez, "Casa de mi Padre." I have to be honest here, I'm not sure if this movie is a complete joke, hilarious on its own, or not funny whatsoever. You can judge for yourself....

3. HBO cancels Bored to Death
Looks like Zack Galifianakis is gonna have to find a new job....errr. On a serious note, 2 things to note about this show:
A. Jason Schwartzman not only played the main character, but he created and sang the theme song. I'd also note that Schwartzman's band created and sang the theme song for "The OC" as well.
B. Besides Jack Donaghy of 30 Rock, I would argue that Ted Danson's character "George Christopher" was my 2nd favorite character on television. Danson couldn't have played him any better.

Links of the Day - 12/13/11

2011-12-13T10:44:00.000-05:00

1. Free ice skating at Fenway
Ahhh, Frozen Fenway. How much do you think these tickets go for once scalpers get ahold of them??

2. Manhattan-style apartments come to Boston
$1,500 a month for a 350 square foot apartment in the Seaport? And $2,000 for 400 square feet? Not sure how much I love these micro apartments. I'll take a 500 square foot apartment with old appliances in Beacon Hill for that or less any day....

3. There's a new whiskey in town
I'm not sure I'm entirely sold on Swedish whiskey, but from what I hear, they have decent water over there, so why the hell not? I've been sold on Swedish products before (fish, Saab, Ulf Dahlen, Peter Forsberg, et. al.), so why not give whiskey a shot as well?

4. Tim Tebow and Lindsey Vonn? (via Deadspin)


Cute..but Tebow-worthy?

Rumor has it that Tebow broke up Lindsey Vonn's marriage? Can this be true? And if so, has Tebow slept with her? This guy can't be a virgin, can he??

5. Red Sox sign Kelly Shoppach
Well, looks like the Jason Varitek era has officially ended in Boston. There are very few athletes I know with the first name "Kelly" - Kelly Chase, former goon for the Hartford Whalers, Kelly Slater, pro surfer, Kelly Johnson, 2nd baseman, and Kelly Leak, OF for the "Chico's Bail Bond Bears." I don't actually know where I'm going with this, besides the fact that I consider Kelly to be a girl's name, and I wanted to make a "Bad News Bears" reference.

I don't mind the signing. Shoppach is a serviceable backup with some pop, he was only $1 million to sign, and he's come full circle with the team that originally drafted him.

6. Breaking News: raw cookie dough bad for you
An article somewhat appropriate for the holiday season, as even I succumbed to the temptress that is raw cookie dough last week (those snickerdoodel cookies were amazing though, Brooke!). Here's the hook though - it's not the eggs, dumbass - it's the FLOUR!!

Nonetheless, not even the New York Times can stop me from eating raw cookie dough - it's just too damn good. I mean, e.coli only lasts a few days, right??

7. John Rocker admits to steroid use
Wait...WHAT?! Next you are going to tell me that the 7 train in NYC isn't a collection of foreigners, freaks, and geeks....

8. Leading goal scorer in hockey east kicked off BU
I'm hesitant to make a joke about this for obvious reasons, as this is a serious situation and should be handled as one. But honestly, when you're the leading goal scorer for one of the best college hockey teams in the nation, I'm pretty sure there are better ways to go after a girl on campus. Ever hear of the term "Puck Slut," Trivino? I thought that was in your freshman year handbook...

9. Scientists study particle that could explain how universe was created
For you science buffs out there. I pretty much lost interest after the first sentence, cause not much else made sense to me. I'm still not sure that Higgs Boson is not the head of a ticket scalping agency in Boston.

10. Water Pong ban in Boston?
DRINKING GAMES ARE EVIL!! While our neighbors in New Amsterdam have their happy hours, their drinking games in bars, and joints that stay open until 4 AM, the already power-hungry Boston Licensing Board is in the process of taking away yet another one of our limited opportunities to actually enjoy ourselves at a Boston bar: beirut aka "beer pong." Here's the kicker though - it's not even played with beer...we are already at the point where we can only play with WATER, and they are even taking that away from us?! I'll leave it to Boston Bruin legend Cam Neely to sum up how I feel about this.

Links of the Day - 12/12/11

2011-12-12T14:46:00.004-05:00

Happy monday, folks. I won't bore you with my weekend rundown, so onto today's links.

1. Santa Speedo Run
An annual rite of passage for Bostonians looking for a reason to dress scantily in December, get drunk, and run 3 miles while euro holiday shoppers awkwardly gawk at them while walking down Newbury Street (for a good cause, I should add), the Santa Speedo Run occurred this past weekend. Contrary to popular opinion, this is not me. My doppelganger needs to lose a few more pounds and gain a lot more chest hair if he wants to accurately impersonate me, though the aviator sunglasses, "double thumbs up," and blank/stupid expression on his face definitely has several of my friends fooled.

2. Street signs spelled wrong
This one is for my readers from Haverhill, MA. I'm afraid you can't get any more unintelligent than that....

3. Blackwater gets a name change
"Hey guys - you think if we just changed our name, brought in a new board of directors, and fired a few people, 99% of the US population might forget how evil we were during that whole Iraq/Afghanistan thing??"
-CEO of Blackwater

4. Hulk Hogan and Brutus the Barber Beefcake were more than wrestling friends? (via With Leather)

So Linda Hogan is claiming that her ex husband had a sexual relationship with his tag team wrestling mate, Brutus the Barber Beefcake. Say it ain't so, guys (not that there's anything wrong with that). On a personal note, I believe my "ambition" listed in my high school yearbook was "to become a professional wrestler in the mold of Brutus the Barber Beefcake." For some reason, I thought this was funny back in 1998, most likely due what I presumed to be an obscure wrestler reference, and because I actually aspired to be a greco-roman olympic wrestler as opposed to a WWE wrestler. Perhaps Ravishing Rick Rude would have been more funny, in hindsight.

Please feel free to provide your own innuendo joke. Here are a few to get you started: I guess the "suplex" doesn't only happen in the squared circle. Or....this takes the term "tag team" to a whole new level.

5. What we really know about Ryan Braun

Excellent take on the Braun/P.E.D.s situation from @jonahkeri over at Grantland. At this point, we all know the story. Ryan Braun blah blah blah synthetic testosterone blah blah blah 50 game suspension blah blah blah appealing blah blah blah. Tough bid for MLB, which considered Braun one of the poster boys for post-Mitchell Report baseball. Even tougher break for the Jewish population, who now only have Kevin Youkilis and a retired Shawn Green to look up to (am I forgetting others?)

6. Most shared ads of 2011 (via youtube, via mashable, via unruly?)
My favorites, in no order of significance:

#5. There is something about the Kia Hamsters that always cracks me up; I feel like an easy crowd. I think it has something to do with a "Hamsterdam/The Wire" reference in there, but I have still failed to connect the dots. What if they did an episode of The Wire using those hamsters? Instant comedy.

#12. Pretty funny concept. My favorite couple was the pair in pink (such a contrast from the bikers) and the 65 year old woman with her son who it appears had her first sip of beer ever at the 1:27 mark.

#13. I still don't believe this ad is real. If it is, it's an absolute 10 on the "unintentional comedy" scale, and rivals just about any discount furniture store tv spot.

#17. This is just impressive.

7. Nets owner to run against Putin
An absolute battle of the titans, this is like Ivan Drago vs Ivan Drago. This should be interesting to say the least. I have more comments about this, but sadly, I also have more work to do....

Links of the Day - 12/9/11

2011-12-09T10:09:00.001-05:00

Friday's links are posted, faithful readers. Sorry I don't have pictures today - didn't really have time...see you Monday!

1. Spotify introduces "Spotify Radio"

Pandora is officially dead to me (besides on my phone and iPad). This puppy offers all the same features that Pandora does, except that I'm allowed to skip any songs I want to (goodbye O.A.R. songs that aren't named "Crazy Game of Poker") without any limitations? Sold....

2. Glass Slipper got spanked for misbehavior

Looks like a stripper got into trouble for a lap dance in Boston (are lap dances usually $300? Seems excessive), and the Glass Slipper will need to spend 2 days in the "timeout corner" of the classroom, or as my 5th grade lunch lady Ms. Rocketenantz would say in her amazing "NH white trash accent", "have yourself a seat on the stage." On a side note, I've never been to the Glass Slipper nor have I ever been to Centerfolds. Is one classier than the other? More expensive? Do the girls simply rotate between the two?

Side note # 2 - I can't imagine either club will make it once the new apartment building is erected (get it? erected!) adjacent to the clubs.

3. Grillo's Pickles to open brick and mortar joint

I like pickles. What is the expected square footage of a joint that solely sells pickles? 75? 100?

4. iPad3 to launch in February 2012

For all you apple junkies. I don't really have anything funny to say here.

5. Paramount opening restaurant in Southie

Bringing a taste of Beacon Hill to Southie. Great, another reason why my Southie friends never have to cross the bridge....and another piece of the puzzle to "Operation Gentrify Southie.".

6. Will Ferrell "Old Milwaukee commercials

This series of 5 ads were only showed in Davenport, Illinois. Can it get more random than that?? Part of me thinks Ferrell actually contacted Old Milwaukee cause he loves their beer, and the other part thinks he's completely screwing with them...like his own inside joke, just to humor himself. Either way, it's absolute genius.

7. Generosity better than sex...

According to crack researchers, via the New York Times, couples are happier in their marriages if they are generous to each other, and apparently, this is even more important than sexual relations. In fact, for each negative thing said, successful couples say FIVE positive things to each other! I'll withhold my comments on this, as my mother is a devout reader of my blog. Hi Mom!

8. Sinead O'Connor finally ties the knot

Wait....WHAT?!* Sinead O'Connor isn't a lesbian? My mind is absolutely blown here. Seriously though...looks like a nice Cadillac. Pink is the new black. When has an Irish person not looked phenomenal in pink?

9. Amsterdam to outlaw foreigners in "coffee shops"

If anyone tries to argue the fact that you went to Amsterdam "to tour the Anne Frank house," you're obviously still high from your trip to the Netherlands. In my opinion, this will cause a serious blow to tourism in Holland

By the way...what's the call on calling the country "The Netherlands" vs "Holland," and why are they called "Dutch"?? How do any of these have any relation whatsoever?

* For those Barstool Sports readers, I would like to acknowledge that "Wait...WHAT?! is not a ripoff of an "El Pres" quote. In fact, I believe he may have taken it from Norm MacDonald courtesy of his short-lived Comedy Central show "Sports Show," where he had a segment titled "Wait...WHAT?!" My use is an homage to one of my comedic role models.

UPDATE - About 15 minutes after I wrote the above paragraph, and in the ultimate coincidence, Sports Guy has written the same exact thing in his latest blog entry. Wait....WHAT?! Honestly, you can't make this stuff up.

Links of the Day - 12/8/11

2011-12-08T09:47:00.001-05:00

Happy Thursday. Went to a Glenlivet scotch tasting last night, and sadly, didn't come out with any great stories (besides the host's numerous sexual innuendos when speaking about scotch, making everyone somewhat uncomfortable). Wish I had more for you...

And without much fanfare (Google Analytics doesn't lie), here are your links of the day for Thursday:

1. http://bostonherald.com/track/star_tracks/view.bg?articleid=1386847&srvc=track&position=recent
Christmas comes early! Thank God Adam Sandler is producing a sequel to a movie that no one watched in the first place. Pretty much the only thing good about this movie was the fact that it was set in NH.


Snap bracelets will be back in 2012

2. http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/relationships/blog/2011/12/theres_an_issue_with_gifts.html?p1=Upbox_links
This is absolutely hysterical to me for some reason - a boyfriend that refuses to give his girlfriend jewelry as a gift, no matter what the cost is. $7 earrings? Tough shit. Snap bracelet? No way in hell. $2,000 diamond bracelet? Sorry. Engagement ring? Laughable. Can someone get me this dude's phone number? I'd like to be friends with him.

Clearly this guy knows what he is doing. Either he is so scared of getting engaged that he never even wants to flirt with the idea of jewelry for fear that she may get the wrong idea, or he is just batshit crazy. Either way, I like it. I have similar odd tendencies I can relate to - for instance, I steadfastly refuse to give a card to someone, no matter what the event (birthday/wedding/anniversary, etc.) if I provide them with a gift in person. I can't understand why anyone would need a card if I'm physically there to tell them the gift is from me, and wish them well - isn't that what a card is for?? I wish I had thought of this jewelry one earlier...

3. http://bostinno.com/2011/12/08/mbta-be-nice-to-your-drivers-oh-and-here%E2%80%99s-a-proposed-fare-hike/
Let me get this straight - in order to get out of debt, the T would need to raise its fees by 60%? Is this the most inefficiently run government organization or what? I guess I don't mind a price hike up to $2.40 for a T ride, though I wold argue that if you're gonna charge NYC Metro-esque fees ($2.25/ride), at least provide NYC Metro-esque amenities. For some reason, that subway system seems to run much more smoothly than Boston subways...and I never thought I would say that. I'm sure everyone has their own Green Line horror story to provide.

4. http://deadspin.com/5866292/the-feel+good-scam-of-owning-the-packers (via Deadspin)
Do the Green Bay Packers have the most profitable funding scam in the history of scams? Why isn't every professional sports team doing this? $250 gets you no profit whatsoever, no say in Packers matters, and most likely a piece of paper that you can frame and put up on your office wall in downtown Milwaukee. I'm pretty sure if Bernie Madoff read this article, he would have said "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING PLAYING AROUND WITH THAT PONZI BULLSHIT?!"

5. http://www.npr.org/blogs/thesalt/2011/12/07/143270513/bonbons-for-breakfast-most-kid-cereals-pack-enough-sugar-to-be-dessert

It took researchers this long to figure out that Captain Crunch with Crunchberries is bad for you?! How many other readers find this stat more shocking than the actual information provided by it? In the interest of full disclosure, I refused to eat my cereal unless my mother actually allowed me to put MORE sugar into it. Sadly, this is not a joke....but they're GRRRRREEEAAAT!

6. http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2011/12/08/reports-of-shots-fired-at-virginia-tech/?hpt=hp_t3
Another tragic shooting at Virginia Tech. What do they put in the water in Blacksburg?? This is sad and ridiculous.

Links of the Day - 12/7/11

2011-12-07T12:58:00.001-05:00

1. http://espn.go.com/boston/nba/story/_/id/7326396/go-get-chris-paul
Celtics are rumored to be the most aggressive bidder for Chris Paul. Listen, I'm all about rent-a-players, but doesn't it make more sense to get them towards the end of the season? Sure, we miss out on the advantage of having CP3 the entire season, but what if we trade Rondo, Green & a first rounder for Paul and then we don't even make it out of the 1st round of the playoffs? Then we've lost our younger nucleus (assuming Celts sign Green to a multi-year deal), and with Ray Ray, KG and Paul Pierce all so old they will be heading to Red Lobster at 4:30 PM every night for dinner, the Celtics are left with....Avery Bradley and a 2nd rounder?

2. http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/0,28757,2101344,00.html?hpt=hp_t2
Just what everyone is looking for - 54 different "Top 10" lists from Time Magazine for the year 2011. Is there some significant connection between the numbers 54 and 2011 that I don't know about? Why choose such a random number? And, more importantly, is there anyone who works at Time Magazine that is under the age of 45? I can't be the only person to question the credibility of a "Top 10" list from Time Magazine

3. http://money.cnn.com/2011/12/07/news/congress_insider_trading/index.htm?hpt=hp_t2
Following up on a fantastic piece by the team over at 60 Minutes (for Sunday NFL fans, it's the show that runs after the 4 pm game if finished on CBS when you are too lazy to reach for your remote), it notes that members of Congress have zero accountability when it comes to insider trading. How the hell is this not illegal? Is there some way I can cash in on this? There MUST be! Time to go make some congressional staffer friends in DC....

On a side note, kudos to Congress for the acronym on the new piece of legislation: the "STOCK" act. The use of acronyms by Congress to name their bills kills me every time. I swear that sometimes bills are simply written solely based upon the acronym.

4. http://www.deadline.com/2011/12/the-cw-teams-with-j-j-abrams-oth-creator-mark-schwahn-for-hotel-drama/
J.J. Abrams of Lost? Check. Plotline based in Maine? Check. On the CW Network? Check. I'm sold.

5. http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/different_stroke_for_wiig_NgL8NjzDHVrwnW7gg9oRVP
Kristin Wiig dating a member of The Strokes. Wait....WHAT?! I could have sworn that Kristin Wiig was married....and after a little research, I see that she was. To this guy! Let the record show that it isn't only men that dump their "Before I was famous" significant other and look for an upgrade once they reach celebrity status.

Blog Changes- Links of the Day 12/6/11

2011-12-06T09:47:00.001-05:00

In an effort to ramp up my blogging efforts on Just What You Expected, I’ve chosen a somewhat different path – going forward, I will be posting my favorite links of the day and offering a short commentary on each link. By use of “favorite,” by no means should any reader imply that these links are “noteworthy.” I realize that this is somewhat Barstool Sports/Deadspin/With Leather/NY Mag Vulture of me, but I mean no offense, and I’m not trying to steal anyone’s thunder. My decision is merely based upon a mixed motive based upon laziness and lack of time to commit to my blog. Yup….just what you expected me to say. Many links will be sports related, though it should hit on some pop culture and newsworthy pieces as well.

Onto the links:

1. http://espn.go.com/nhl/story/_/id/7318773/espn-splits-nhl-analyst-matthew-barnaby-following-dwi-arrest

Wait – do you mean to tell me that after a somewhat inappropriate relationship with colleague Michelle Beadle (including quite transparent flirting on Twitter), a prior arrest for violating a restraining order against his wife and kicking in a garage door (5 charges filed against him), a DUI offense where he “allegedly” decided to drive his Porsche on only 3 tires to the point where the 4th rim was sparking, not to mention being potentially the worst hockey analyst on ESPN, the network finally cut ties with Matthew Barnaby?? What exactly was the tipping point here? It’s not like Barnaby was SO great at his job that he should have been a golden child. Salisbury gets fired immediately for showing pictures of his dick on his cell phone, Steve Philips gets fired immediately for having an affair with a not-so-attractive ESPN staffer (perhaps that was his penance for picking a heffer?), and Barnaby can get away with committing these acts for that long? How does that even make sense?

2. http://www.boston.com/Boston/politicalintelligence/2011/12/dan-qualye-says-mitt-romney-has-four-essential-qualities-president/mkMYQyatHiWAigYohR7jZK/index.html?p1=News_links

Dan Quayle endorses Mitt Romney for President. I honestly don't even need any commentary; the punch line is the caption.

3. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/04/sports/hockey/derek-boogaard-a-boy-learns-to-brawl.html
Amazing 3-part expose from the New York Times on the life of former NHL enforcer Derek "Boogeyman" Boogaard. It definitely makes you think about the legitimacy of fighting in hockey, though one could argue that more concussions in hockey occur as a result of body checks as opposed to fighting. Without fighting, there could potentially be a lack of self-policing in hockey, and this could actually cause more injuries, especially to star players who were otherwise protected.

Not sure what the saddest part of this story is, though the fact that he kept his drugs in pastel-colored plastic easter eggs hidden around his apartment is definitely the front runner right now.

4. https://www.acerafa.com/

Win game against a fake/virtual Rafael Nadal with your serving robot and win a trip to put him right on his ass in Spain. It took me about 10 minutes to figure out that just like the backhand move in NHL 94 for Sega Genesis, there is a way to serve the ball that works every time.

5. http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7319858/the-people-hate-tim-tebow

Chuck Klosterman does it again. Great article on the Jesus-loving phenom that is Tim Tebow - not so much about him, but why he's so fascinating to OTHER people. To be honest, Chuck Klosterman could write about mad cow disease and I'd be a happy person....and usually I don't even like hipsters.

On a side note, I can't stand when athletes thank the J-man for helping them win the game. Trot Nixon of the Red Sox was notorious for doing this in interviews, and I cringed every time.

6. http://ryanseacrest.com/2011/12/06/mikes-bleeding-vinnys-leaving-club-fights-fill-the-jersey-shore-season-5-trailer-video/

Just what everyone needed - a preview of the new season of Jersey Shore. I have to be honest here - I'm pretty much done with this show. Here is my latest analysis of the characters:

-Snooki: The mere sight of Snickers aka Snooks aka Snooki causes me to dry heave.
-Vinnie: He's a mama's boy dork without a "cool" bone in his body (and I may have just lost my coolness by using that phrase). Definitely had the largest transition from "shy geek" to "outspoken geek who thinks he's awesome and wants to be an actor."
-Ronnie/Sammie Sweetheart: Just. Stop. It. Both of you suck. Ronnie's only saving grace is his laugh and his crazy legs dance when he gets drunk, and I'm pretty sure Sammie makes every male viewer realize his GF, however crazy she may be, is a god-send compared to her.
-Mike "The Situation": Still cracks me up, I have to say. It's almost like MTV created him as a character. He's literally a caricature of himself, and I find this hilarious..Oh, and he's def in the closet.
-J-Woww: Not too much to say - she's definitely matured a bit; I miss the fights. And she absolutely wins the award for "most plastic surgery performed to unknowingly make oneself more unattractive than when the process began."
-Deena: The other half of "Team Meatball," not much else to say about her. Likes getting naked, and constantly wonders why no one wants to have sex with her. I've got an answer for you, Deena - you're disgusting.
-Pauly D: Saving grace of the show. Funny, original (creates his own catch-lines), nice, great head of hair, classic Rhode Island accent (everyone has met a "Pauly D" at the Atlantic Beach Club in Newport), and questionable DJ skills...though Fifty Cent just signed him to a deal, so maybe he's got something going for him...

7. http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2011/12/nj-mayor-resigns-two-months-after-underwear-pic.html

Giving credit where credit is due, this link was sent to me by my friend Katie. Never have I seen a more relaxed Mayor. This guy could give George Costanza a run for his money....

Testing My Patience...

2011-07-26T15:16:00.010-05:00

As some of my faithful readers may or may not have known, over the past few months I have been studying for the GMAT in order to potentially "turn back the clock" and assume the role of a fulltime student once again. After endless hours of studying, taking numerous seemingly worthless 3 hour courses, and choosing "c" on multiple choice-driven practice answers based solely upon the fact that it's my favorite letter between A-E, I finally took the test last Saturday. However, as is typical with stories involving me, it wasn't so cut-and-dry. Here's the story of why I almost MISSED the GMAT (via timestamp). Enjoy.

9:00-11:15 AM Wake up bright and early (for me) and do a little last-minute cramming while treating myself to a little Sportscenter (it had been a looong time) and some freshly cut pineapple.

11:15-11:30 AM Shower, brush teeth, boring. While in shower, I decide that since it's SO hot outside (about 95 degrees with extremely high humidity), I will ride my bicycle to my 12:30 PM test. This way, I believe I will not only spend less time in the summer heat, but I may even catch a breeze to cool me down a bit.

11:45 AM After "Drooke Dreltzman,"* my roommate/girlfriend leaves the apartment to head out to lunch with a friend, I play with the dog we are dogsitting in an attempt to relax and achieve a zen-like approach to the test.

11:50 AM As I was told numerous times to arrive at the testing center 30 minutes early, I head out to the backyard to hop on my bike and prepare for my 3 min ride to the testing center.

11:51 AM While in the backyard, quickly realize that I forgot the key to open the door to the gate in my backyard "terrace." I head back to the backdoor to retrieve the key.

11:52 AM While trying to open the backdoor, I suddenly realize that I don't have a key to the backdoor either. At this point, I become aware of the fact that I am trapped in my own backyard....

11:53 AM In the midst of sweat beginning to pool onto my forehead, I begin making phone calls to everyone I know within a half-mile radius of my apartment. This includes Drooke Dreltman (8-12 times, depending on if you include hangups), "Flon Flyder," "Reg Roucher," "Krate Kroucher," and my landlord, "Greff" a few times. Pacing is involved, as are questions of how I may be able to hop a 10 foot fence (or dig under said fence) in order to create an escape route.

12:10 PM Resigned with the fact that (I had already gone through each of the stages of loss, including denial, anger, and sadness) I would be missing the GMAT test, I attempt to come up with an answer to the question "Why didn't you take the GMAT today," because I know that "I decided to lock myself in my own backyard terrace" was not really gonna work. My final resolution? Just don't say anything...

12:20 PM SUCCESS! "Greff," my landlord, listened to his voicemail and comes home and unlocks the back door, freeing me from my makeshift holding cell. I run up through the house (patting the dog's head for good luck), head outside, and begin my sprint up Berkeley Street to the testing center...in my flip flops...in 95 degree heat.

12:26 PM I arrive at the test center with 4 minutes to spare!! Unfortunately, my clothes have taken a turn for the worse. My shirt is entirely soiled with sweat, rivaling that of Kevin Youkilis in a day game, I'm dripping sweat onto the paperwork which needs to be signed beforehand to verify my identity, and I'm panting much like the dog I'm sitting had been all day earlier, all direct effects of my flip-flop sprint in 90+ degree heat. The employee at the testing center takes one look at me, shakes her head, and says "I don't even wanna know....".

All in all, the test went generally how I expected it would go. My score was expected, and not great by any means (barely qualifying as "good"), but at least I surpassed my own expectations a bit. Not that I believe my score would have improved, but sweating profusely, tardiness, and borderline physical exhaustion aren't exactly at the tip of anyone's tongue when the phrase "ideal testing conditions" comes to mind.

Just another Saturday, I guess....

* Note: all names have been changed to protect the identities of the persons involved in this story.

"Extreme Contesting"

2011-07-18T09:16:00.007-05:00

After a short hiatus, Just What you Expected has returned...I can't guarantee a new blog entry every day, nor can I even guarantee a new entry every week, but the people have spoken - they want just what they expected. As the great Bruce Dickinson would say (when not piloting a plane for Icelandair): "I need more cowbell!" In an effort to produce more content, I'll try to be a little less picky in my blog subjects, and a bit more efficient while wearing both my "writer's" hat and my "editor's" hat.

This weekend, while I was down in NYC drinking, eating, and sweating in celebration of a certain college friend's bachelor party, my parents were at a summer bbq outing at the Hampton Yacht Club near Hampton Beach, NH (those familiar with Hampton, my mother said it had a "fantastic view" of the Seabrook, NH nuclear power plant...which is nice). When questioned as to what this bbq was in connection with, my mother matter-of-factly answered "It was for your father's little contest club." I figured this would be a great opportunity to enlighten my readers about this fascinating sub-culture known as the "contest winners club," and I would go as far to say that my comments and thoughts are only the beginning of what could be a tremendous study of such a strange group of people.

In an attempt to keep this entry relatively short, I'll provide a few things about the "Contest Club" to allow you to get a better impression:

-The club meets every summer for a "summer outing," and apparently there is a "convention" held annually in which all the local chapters of the club congregate in one spot to profess their love of entering contests.

-When asked what the club discusses during said meetings, my mother stated "they usually just stand up and tell everyone which contests they entered and what they won since the last meeting." How this is entertaining to anyone, I'm still not sure. I would imagine there is a significant amount of clapping during this stage of the meeting.

-The club consists mostly of middle age housewives...and my father. Though my mother did state that 4 men in total were at this particular outing, she could not confirm the sexual orientation of the other men. She did, however, note that she was in fact the "only non-member to attend the meeting." Apparently, the husbands of these members have other engagements during these meetings. Can you see my "shocked" face?

-As one would guess, I believe there are also contests which take place during the meeting, but I could not confirm this. I also could not confirm cost of the meeting and/or membership in this "elite" club....mainly because my mother was on her lunch break, and I wanted to get this blog entry out sooner rather than later. This isn't the New York Times, folks...

Don't get me wrong, my father has been extremely successful in his contest winning - we're talking about trips to Disney World, $500 gas cards, Red Sox tickets/jerseys, even a Harley Davidson Fatboy motorcycle, complete with flames on the side (I wish I had access to the picture of my dad on the hog, but the one I found will have to do...I picked this partially due to my love of mullets and jorts, and partially due to the strange manner in which each person touches the bike with only their thumb). But should he be embarrassed about this hobby (read: addiction)? In my eyes: absolutely.

This is not just a hobby to the man, it's a life pursuit. The mere announcement of a contest gets my father excited, to the point where he has even recruited my grandmother to create "contest envelopes" using old pieces of wallpaper. Apparently, the flashier the envelope, the better chance that it gets picked; that is, only if the winner is selected by hand. If it's some automated selection process...well, I can't express the sadness expressed by my father in words. I'll just use the phrase "emotional exhaustion." I even believe there are magazines, podcasts, and newsletters in connection with entering contests in order to discuss various strategies/contests/crazy people who have won said contests.

If I were to even try to relate this contest club endeavor to something, I guess it would be similar to that of "Extreme Couponing," whereby crazy people attempt to save hundreds of dollars by cutting out and utilizing every possible coupon they come across, to the point where it may in fact affect their normal lives in some manner.

As I've stated, I believe I've only hit the surface of this fascinating "hobby." I sincerely hope that someone has more free time to explore the subject in more depth than I can offer. A case study of my old man would be a nice start. With my father's upcoming retirement, I can only expect his participation in contests to increase tenfold.

* Full disclosure: I have never watched Extreme Couponing, though I do not question the validity of my particular word choice of "crazy" to define this group of people.

"Who's That Girl?"

2010-09-09T12:57:00.002-05:00

Recently (read: today), I was reading through one of my favorite Boston-centric periodicals, the Improper Bostonian, and I came across one of the most entertaining sections of the magazine, the "Impersonals." Why is the Impersonals such a great section? Think Craigslist "missed connections" meets "To Catch a Predator."

The following is a verbatim listing of the entry:

To the 8:30 AM blonde angel on Newbury Street: I'm having a "Who's That Girl" dilemma. You stole my heart without saying a single word. We've passed one another daily on Upper Newbury Street near Urban Outfitters around 8:30 AM for months now, and you have my undivided attention. I'd love to stop and chat with you, but we're both traveling at warp speeds in opposite directions. You're 5'6" with shoulder-length blonde hair, stunning looks, always wearing sunglasses. Everything about your style and demeanor brightens my world. I'm the handsome 6'4" Swede with shoulder-length hair sporting colorful European soccer jerseys hoping to attract your attention. Help cure my crush, as I broke out Madonna's Immaculate Hits CD, and it's starting to make sense to me.

Don't get me wrong, Sven, I'm not one to judge another male - sounds like you have a lot of things going for you like:

1. You're Swedish (chicks dig foreigners - think the Chef from the Muppets - everyone loved him!)

2. You're tall (hell, you've got at least 6 inches on me)

3. Um...you're Swedish??

Now, let's talk about the choices you've made in your life which are, in a word, wrong:

1. I can't speak for females in the greater Boston area, but unless you are a rock star,Rafael Nadal, or one of the Three Tenors (who doesn't forget Jose Carrerras), shoulder length hair may not be acceptable anymore...

2. I don't care if you name drop a Madonna album just to find some way to use the word "immaculate" in a sentence to describe the girl you stalk, but there's no getting around the fact that not only do you have said Madonna CD, but you have implicitly admitted that you were listening to it as well....

3. Actually, let's think for a minute: what's more embarrassing? The fact that you own Madonna's Immaculate Collection, or that you just referenced "Who's That Girl," which clearly indicates that you are A. at least familiar with and B. most likely have seen the 80's film starring Madonna (in case you are wondering - yes, I had to Google this to find this out).

3. Does someone really need to take the time to explain to you that it's not really cool/stylish to walk around town, in public, wearing a replica soccer jersey? Who did you ask to see if this was ok - your little brother, or your 7 year old nephew??

Don't worry, Magnus - I have no doubt in my mind that your beautiful "angelic" blonde has noticed you. Only problem is, if I were a betting man, I'd place a large amount of cash that it's for all the wrong reasons. Money line is set at about -700 that every time she sees you, she thinks "Who is that long-haired douchebag wearing those dumb soccer jerseys every day?" and that she's walking at a "warp speed" for reasons other than being late for work.

Part 2 - The Real "30 for 30"

2010-05-10T13:33:00.005-05:00

After a slight delay, Part 2 of "30 Things Every Man Should have by 30" below:

16. A trusted barber or hair stylist.
Pardon my ignorance, but I didn't think men used "hair stylists." Is there something I should know? Sadly, I am still awaiting the arrival of a "trusted" barber, and this fact can be much attested by my numerous monthly military-style and/or "boys' regular-style" haircuts. I'll take any and all suggestions (under $15 - I have my limits).

17. A pair of jeans that makes his butt look good.
Couple pairs of jeans I feel comfortable in? Check. Similar to my barber comment, I'm still awaiting the arrival of some semblance of a butt, and am waiting on the price of saline injections to drop to a price point I can handle. Honestly though, do guys really think about this??

18. Jumper cables.
Please refer to number 14. Will this continue to be a problem at 31? Perhaps I need to think about this a bit more...

19. A driver’s license.
I beg to differ. Pretty sure I'd be quite content to be in a position in life where I only utilize a car service, and/or have a personal driver. I need a Turtle to my Vinny Chase. That is, unless this is a reference to some sort of criminal offense one has been involved in whereby he cannot apply for a driver's license. If that's the case, I'm in the clear.

20. Always enough toilet paper.
Hmm...let's just skip this one, and move on to the next.

21. Sheets that don’t scratch.
Could this please lay to rest the constant negativity produced by my recent purchase of "sateen" sheets? Looks like that Linens 'n Things liquidation sale really paid off in the long term!!

22. A nightstand that doesn’t say “Handle with care” on the side.
Umm...this would require the ability to actually be able to house a nightstand in your bedroom.

23. A smile he uses generously.
Although pictures most likely do not suggest this, I'll go ahead and give myself the benefit of the doubt.

24. At least one lamp that didn’t once belong in a dorm room.
First of all, this statement implies that I had a lamp in my dorm room, let alone more than one. I'll need to consult the former residents of my current apartment, however, as I've still managed to go my entire life without purchasing a lamp. Something tells me this should have been on the "20 Things to do By 20" list, and I obviously missed the cut a long time ago.

25. Enough confidence to approach someone he finds attractive.
"Approach" in what manner?? I'll say yes to this, but very hesitantly.

26. Enough sense not to use a cheesy pick-up line. (When in doubt, say “hello!”)
Another statement with implications - does this imply that said pick-up line produced a positive result? As George Constanza can attest, telling people you're an architect can only get you so far with the other gender...

27. A great razor.
This is me laughing...I'd rather have scientists invent some type of laser which completely removes hair follicles. Wait....what?!

28. The beginning of a nest egg.
Funny....and I was always under the impression that it's not proper etiquette to publicly discuss one's personal finances. All of a sudden, is this now perfectly acceptable at the age of 30?

29. A place where everyone knows his name.
Sadly, there may be one too many places where everyone knows my name. Perhaps I should actually start visiting bars with less frequency once I turn 30...

30. At least one sex move he’s received lots of positive feedback on.
Well, I guess there's no better time than 30 to try to get rid of that whole "virginity" thing...it appears as though I'm a little behind the 8-ball on that one.

To all those who made guest appearance at my "surprise" 30th birthday party this past Saturday (I guess all those years of unnecessary pranks on my friends finally caught up to me), thanks for coming to support my inevitable transition into adulthood, I hope you had fun, and I'll see you soon, albeit a tad more polished.

Dirty Thirty

2010-04-28T23:34:00.006-05:00

A few days ago while conducting my typical daily internet searching, I came across an interesting article titled "30 Things Every Man Should Have by 30" (to answer the question on everyone's minds...no - I don't typically read "The Frisky" - apparently CNN.com must have some deal with the site to post ridiculous articles on their website at least once a week, one thing led to another, and there you go..). I thought that, in honor of my upcoming 30th birthday in less than two weeks, I could provide a little personal feedback on my progress with this bucket list of sorts....

Due to the length of the entry (and to keep you salivating), I've decided to split it into 2 separate entries. 15 today, 15 this weekend.

Without further adieu, enjoy:

1. A skin care regimen. C’mon guys, healthy complexions aren’t just for metrosexuals!
If by "regimen," they are trying to express the fact that I shower daily (usually 2x a day), you can check this off the list.

2. A tasty signature dish he can whip up for a date.
Are you kidding? Name me a woman that doesn't love al dente spaghetti with a bottle of Ragu, and I've got a bridge for sale in Brooklyn for you. I should also note that the sauce is "meat flavored" - what did you think this was, amateur hour?

3. Respect for women as equals and not just as heads attached to boobs.
Check. They have a superior insight which far surpasses any male in terms of understanding intellectual shows such as Gossip Girl, the Hills, and the City.

4. At least four good pairs of shoes: dressy, business casual, casual, exercise.
Sure - what guy doesn't have a pair of Asics or New Balance for every occasion....cocktail party? Grey 991's. Job interview? Grey 992's (newer = classier).

5. At least one friend who gives honest fashion advice.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but "honest" is not synonymous with "correct," right??

6. A tailored suit.
Assuming that the fine gentlemen who make an hourly wage at the "Men's Wearhouse" can be loosely classified as "tailors," then absolutely. I mean, it didn't take me until 30 to do this one. I'm almost insulted.

7. A toolbox that includes: a hammer, screwdriver, wrench, nails, work gloves.
Thanks, Dad - with only a year to spare! There's no stipulation that one needs to have actually used said tools in a real-life scenario, is there?

8. Enough clean underwear (no holes!) to get him through a week between laundry sessions.
It is with this statement that I realize this article must have been written by a woman. Any man knows that the entire key is to have enough underwear that you never have to do laundry in the first place. If this involves buying new underwear at the store in order to circumvent the whole "washing" experience, so be it.

9. Independence from his mama.
Considering I've been living without my "mama" for almost a decade, I'd certainly hope so. Um...that doesn't count weekends at home, does it? She makes a mean grilled cheese sandwich...

10. The ability to ask for directions.
This needs clarification - driving directions? Hell no. Directions as to why I probably shouldn't be wearing New Balance 992's with my "tailored suit" for a job interview? Feel free to engage...

11. A great road map when there’s no one to ask.
Check. I was always under the impression that having the biggest, most detailed map was a true sign of the alpha male. If you don't have one of those encyclopedia-sized Rand McNally road maps, then you may as well not even show your face around New England.

12. A favorite cookbook.
"The Joy of Cooking." Thanks Sister! Admittedly, I find it works better as an oversized paperweight for the time being. If you don't know how to make spaghetti with sauce out of a jar, I fear there are larger, more important problems you need to start thinking about at the age of 30.

13. A decent set of pots and pans.
Almost there...though I'm pretty sure the word "decent" is quite relative. Honestly, I just couldn't come up with anything funny for this one.

14. An emergency kit in the trunk of his car.
I get the feeling that it's 10x worse to answer that I have the emergency kit, though I don't have a car to put it in....so I won't answer in that manner. When are people going to figure out that the whole car ownership thing is just a fad??

15. A hobby that does not include a television set or a 6-pack of beer.
Sure, I have many hobbies. Antiquing, building model ships, making picture frames out of seashells, playing with Legos, meteorology - the list goes on. Oh, and for all the ladies reading this - did I mention I'm single?? Wink wink...

Stay tuned for part 2......

Curling Anyone??

2010-02-24T02:10:00.005-05:00

If you’re a fellow Olympics watcher such as me, there is no doubt in my mind that you have seen a fair show of Curling events in Vancouver. Don’t get me wrong – it’s not that I have an extreme dislike of curling; I actually enjoy watching it in small portions – I think we’ve all enjoyed the absolute collapse of John Schuster (by the way, was he really born in 1982, or do we have one of those Dominican-style birth certificate issues going on??), and Nicole Joraanstad is quite easy on the eyes as well (I particularly enjoyed the "favorite workout moves" section). To be honest, I would absolutely not be opposed to participating in a curling game in the greater Boston area…provided that enough beer was involved (doesn’t it just look like the perfect casual drinking sport?). But I’d go on record to say that about 65% of Olympic events I’ve actually gotten to see have been….drum roll please – CURLING. Is this the longest Olympic event ever? Does it last the entire 2 weeks? I get out of the shower in the AM and turn on the tv – curling. I get to the gym and glance up at someone’s tv on their treadmill – curling. I take a break from creating my sculpture and turn on the tube for a minute to gather my thoughts – curling. Well, the sculpture part was a lie, but you understand.

Notwithstanding my pointless ramblings above, I bring you to the point of this whole thing: curling must be unequivocally the most unathletic sport not only in the Winter Olympics, but in the Summer Olympics as well, no? I mean, even ping pong takes reaction time and some level of athleticism, doesn't it? If curling is a Winter Olympic sport, I really dont see why horseshoes should not be a Summer Olympic sport. And what about bocce? I mean, isn’t curling just bocce on ice, without short, greasy hairy Italian men tossing a pelota (being Italian, I’m allowed to say this)? Better yet? Shuffleboard. That way, you could have 82 year old athletes potentially making their Olympic DEBUTS. Who wouldn't want to watch that?? The unintentional comedic value of a shuffleboard "injury" where Edith Harland's dentures fall out amidst a post-game celebration could be off the charts. Could someone please formulate a legitimate argument as to why, aside from historical precedence, curling is an Olympic sport?? If so, I"ll back off my shuffleboard argument. If not, you'll be hearing from me soon enough, Jacques Rogge....

Musings From Another Valentine's Day

2010-02-15T14:12:00.001-05:00

In honor of Valentine's Day, as a single man living in Boston, yesterday provided me with the opportunity to conduct some empirical research on the reactions of single women in the greater Boston area towards a potential misfiring of Cupid's arrow (relax...it's the best euphemism about being single I could find without thinking too hard). After waiting a day to let it all marinate, as they say, and without much further adieu, I have the following observations:

All single women in Boston can be broken down into 2 different stereotypes, both of which differ greatly:

A. Those that take the "I don't give a shit about Valentine's Day....today is a celebration of ME!" approach and;

B. Those that become manically depressed for the day, locking themselves in their apartments and performing sadistic rituals such as watching "Love Actually" three or more times in one day, eating portions of junk food typically reserved for an entire 3rd grade class V-Day party, and forcing themselves to fall asleep while listening to "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M. on repeat.*

When discussing the latter subgroup, there isn't really much else to say. These are the cliche depressed women and, due to their status of being too depressed about their own lives to venture from their couch/loveseat/beanbag chair (if you are still in possession of this, I fear there may be something else wrong with you besides only being single), I did not have any direct contact with this species of woman yesterday.

When discussing the former, however, this type of woman was out in droves yesterday. Much like a pack of wild dogs, or a herd of buffalo, or pretty much any species that moves in groups, the "I don't need a man!" species of woman prefers to move in this manner as well. More often than not they move in tandem, though I did see a small percentage of groups of 3 or more single women. Clearly, there is strength in numbers amongst this breed.

In my attempts to find the natural habitat of these women, my observations always seemed to lead to the following locations:

- Shopping centers (the sidewalks of Newbury St. being an absolute hotspot). I imagine this is due to a thought process somewhat along the lines of "just because we're single doesn't mean we can't treat ourselves to something nice." Sort of like a self-treatment via shopping. In my experience, women tend to use shopping as an outlet for numerous stressful situations; add this to the list.

-Bars - the "let's go out and get drunk in honor of having no attachments" methodology, which in reality means "let's go out and get drunk to drown our sorrows together in our own singledom." In full disclosure, most guys use this approach, though the basis of such approach is more clouded from a gentleman's perspective. Sometimes we just like going to bars and drinking beers...

-Cinemas - only the strongest groups of single women will venture to the movie theatre, as generally they don't like being in the same enclosed space with couples. The cinema being an absolute mecca of Valentine's Day dates, and dates in general, most women that actually want to see a film will do so from the comfort of their own bean bag chair (see above).

-The gym, and/or running along the streets of Boston. The "let's go exercise to blow off some steam" approach.

What did I learn in my studies, you may ask? In general, one should not attempt to approach these groups of single women on Valentine's Day, as you will most likely be rebuffed in your efforts. Women on this day anticipate that they will be taken advantage of on this day of sorrow in their lives, and are generally negative towards their opinion of the male race for this period of 24 hours (sometimes extended). My advice is to keep a short distance from these women and wait until a less significant (read: depressing) time in their lives to begin a conversation.

*This song was used because it was Brenda Walsh's breakup song from an early 90's episode of Beverly Hills 90210 (go ahead; judge me...I had an older sister who had authority over the remote control). I'm quite sure there is a more current breakup go-to song, so if anyone has a recommendation, please feel free to comment. I was thinking about using "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga, but sadly, I just didn't feel it was the right fit.

Beware Harassment in the Workplace

2009-08-03T15:13:00.006-05:00

So I just spent about an hour today undergoing one of the many online training courses available (read: required) at John Hancock. On today's menu: HARASSMENT (though it's definitely funnier when said by a British person). I'm sure everyone knows what I'm talking about here - a course, taken on an annual basis, which teaches us bonehead employees the limits of harassment from all different angles - sexual, age, gender, ethnicity, religion, etc. - you name it, and we'll show you how not to do it.

First of all, I always love wasting an hour of my time to cease doing actual work and take these courses. Not only can you not fail them no matter how hard you try (trust me...they don't let you), but they are absolutely hilarious. I'm not sure if this is simply due to the unintentional comedy found within the scenarios provided, the fact that the person behind these may actually have a sense of humor, or that my mind is just absolutely warped....could be a combination of all three.

Secondly, I look at the pictures of these supposed "co-workers" of mine, and their professional appearance certainly appears to leave something to be desired. Sign me up for the company that allows people to show up to work like this. One of the main characters, Dan (a gaunt fellow in his lower 20's) clearly has not shaven for a few days. Not only is he in the awkward stage in terms of "is it a beard or is he just lazy and/or disheveled?" but his facial hair is spotty at best. I was able to grow more facial hair than Dan when I was 13. And then there's Darrell, who not only sports well too large of a hoop earring than any male should (not that there's anything wrong with that...), but is wearing some semblance of a coat (or a shirt...can't tell) that can only lead me to guess that either he is on his way out to, or has just come back from, an African safari.

Also, the phrases used within this thing are amazing. The creators must have been going with the "let's be trendy" direction with the language used throughout the training, but clearly could only do so to a point, ostensibly to make sure that the older crowd would understand the terms being used just as easy as the younger crowd would. As we know through training, we don't want to offend anyone over the age of 40, as this may be seen as a form of age harassment. But to use the phrase "dirty dancing" when talking about "her hips swaying from side to side," how is someone not going to find this amusing? This is one of many examples throughout the video.

Talking about age harassment, there was a great scene in the age harassment section in which there is a 61 year old woman by the name of Beverly (these names are great) who is being verbally accosted by her 54 year old co-worker about being too old to know anything; I believe the quote was something like "I didn't know they had television in the Stone Age, Beverly," in response to poor, innocent Bev telling fellow colleagues what her favorite show was growing up. Though I tend to agree with Beverly that the statement was quite offensive, there are 2 problems here: A. Beverly is 61, and her picture is that of a 61 year old, but the voice used for her sounds like she's about 85, and B. Beverly has other problems to worry about - if I were her, I'd be less concerned with someone making fun of my age and more concerned with a co-worker cracking endless jokes about how I sound like I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger's mother. I realize the creators of the training course were trying to be PC here and include people of all cultures/backgrounds, but really guys?? Couldn't you help Bev out a bit here?

For my other readers also involved in the mindless rat race, good luck to you, and I hope your training courses provide as much enjoyment to you as they do to me.

Real World: Cancun

2009-06-24T22:39:00.006-05:00

As much as people dislike me for doing this, once again, I've chosen that I will be the "authority" when it comes to the Real World. I will be using my blog as a forum for my thoughts on each episode, starting with the premiere episode tonight in Cancun. As I've said before, if you are looking for an episode summary, look elsewhere....there are enough places to find that.

So, in no order of importance, here are my initial thoughts on each cast member:

Derek: Didn't get get a good read on him besides the fact that he is openly gay, was adopted and works at a bar. Think we got about 3 words out of him, and 2 involved Jonna being slutty in her past (which is fine with me). Seems like a good guy, and the straight dudes seem to have no problems with him, which is a nice change of pace.

Jonna: Pretty hot, but seriously, relax with the piercings, Jonna. Not only do you have those weird ones on your back, but your "promise piercing"?? You have to be kidding me. I mean, a promise ring is bad enough, but a promise piercing blows it out of the water. Can we set an over/under on how long it takes for her to cheat on her boyfriend? I'm giving it 3 weeks.

Joey: First of all, feel free to correct me, but since when has "Merrimack Valley, MA" been an actual town? Why not just get it over with and say you're from Lawrence (full disclosure - I got this info from the MTV website)? I somewhat question how "hard-core" punk he is even with all those tattoos, but I'll tell you this much - he is definitely the house favorite for pissing every single cast member off at one point or another. Has the ability to be a genuine asshole when he wants to. I also don't understand how he had the gall to put himself to bed the FIRST NIGHT they go out. I'm going to stay out with my new roomies if I have to pass out on the bar that first night. Gotta give the kid respect though, for hooking up on the 1st night with a pretty cute girl ("Courtnee with 2 E's"). Which brings me to.....

Bronne: Not only did you make out with a cougar at the bar, but A. the cougar was completely unattractive, and B. IT WAS COURTNEE'S MOM. Utterly hilarious. That being said, what the hell is a 40 something year old doing in Cancun? Does this happen regularly? I'll need to consult with an experienced spring breaker veteran on this. Anyways, this guy has some real potential to be the funniest guy on the show, and besides the fact that he couldn't hold his booze at the bar, he is definitely my favorite cast member - already came out with a few great lines tonight - his comment about being thankful he has a gay roommate cause he can finally get help with his wardrobe, though a stereotype, was damn funny. Kinda reminds me of Isaac from Australia, but less weird.

Jasmine: Like Derek, don't know much about this girl besides the fact that she's really short. Jury is out on her, but I get the feeling that she is somewhat bitchy when she wants to be. Has pretty much spent all of her time with her new BFF,....

Ayiiia: May be the hottest girl on the show in my book, though her teeth could use some work. If I was her, I would probably hop on a plane and get over the border though, cause I wouldn't trust a Mexican DDS as far as I can throw him (I actually just wanted to use the acronym "DDS" in this blog). I would also like to point out that I think she spells her name wrong - the name is odd enough, but three I's?? Really? I'd just stick with 2. Seems like her and Jasmine are not really interested in hooking up with any guys. I hope this changes, or I hope they start getting interested in hooking up with each other..

CJ: In terms of unintentional comedy, this dude is hilarious. I could not stop laughing at him all show. It's been a long time since I've seen someone so narcissistic on any show, let alone The Real World. You're an NFL Free Agent? Christ, I could have called myself a "free agent" when I graduated from college too, CJ. Love the fact that he does exercises before he goes out to make his arms look bigger, and his leg stretching after he got home from the bar absolutely killed me. I expect big things out of you, CJ. Big things.

Emilee: Once again, don't say you're from Boston - you're from HAMILTON, which is easily 35+ minutes outside of Boston. And I didn't know they let girls with single A cups work at Hooters (by the way, where is there a Hooters in Boston?). And you're 1/4 african american? Sorry, I don't believe it. She is the classic case of a girl who has never seen a gay person before, never seen an african american, never left her little bubble....MTV eats this stuff up, and so do I. And one more thing: SHE IS CRAZY. I'm giving 5-1 odds that this girl is absolutely nuts. Just wait, my friends. On a sidenote, she's pretty hot....

Other General Thoughts:

Cast - MTV - THANK YOU for not only giving us viewers a girl majority with respect to cast members, but making them all semi-attractive at the very least.

House - Pretty sick. Shocker that they have an "ocean view," as from what my friend (a wiley Cancun veteran) says, Cancun is basically a strip, so unless you're staying in the janitor's closet, your hotel is going to have an ocean view. Added bonus that it's located in a hotel. Hello Real World Las Vegas!!

Computer - Are you serious? Talk about a complete lack of privacy. I mean, their computer screen is larger than any television I've ever owned....

Massachusetts - Does anyone think its weird that there are THREE people on the show this season with Massachusetts ties? What. The. Hell. This is either a good thing or a bad thing. I'm yet to determine which....

Profession - Why is EVERY single girl a waitress? Mix it up a bit next time, MTV...

My Icelandic Experience

2009-04-14T21:38:00.005-05:00

So many of my faithful readers (I'll call you tomorrow, Ma) are aware that last night I just got back from an extended weekend stay in Iceland. Why Iceland, you ask? Why not. Needless to say, many people have numerous questions about this experience, with even more looking for a full summary. After much thought, I've come to the decision that in lieu of providing a full narrative of my adventures in Iceland, I'll be providing you with a series of rules to live by when vacationing in Iceland, to better prepare you for your experience, should you ever decide to make the trek.

Please note that this is not meant to be representative of a negative experience in Iceland, as I had an amazing trip. Lastly, as always, this list is in no order of importance.

1. Never walk around Reykjavik wearing sandals, flip flops, or any type of open toed shoes. The amount of broken glass on the streets after a weekend night is enough to [insert cheezy awful joke].

2. Make sure you pack your black clothes. All black, nothing else. Full disclosure: I got this piece of info from a pamphlet, which stated Icelandic people wear all black for "practical purposes." When I asked several Icelandic people about this, no one had an answer.

3. Don't plan on going out any earlier than 2 AM. As a matter of fact, don't even try to venture outside until at least 10 PM or you'll feel uncomfortably alone walking through the city.

4. NEVER eat hakarl. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

5. Wearing jeans out is "in" right now, provided that it is part of a "smart" outfit (once again, I stole this helpful hint from a handout).

6. Sunglasses are necessary when on a sunny day while on a glacier, or else you'll be essentially rendered blind. Gear is also a necessity.

7. Most Icelandic do not like highways, as they are considered "boring." When faced with the decision to drive on a highway vs a semi-frozen riverbed complemented with other various offroad hazards and snow-filled hilly trails where it takes 10 minutes to drive 10 feet, they will always choose the latter option.

8. Make sure you grab a hot dog...and you're only cheating yourself if you don't get it fully loaded.

9. Better get used to bad-tasting beer, cause it's there, and it's aptly named "Viking." The 1st beer in Iceland was allowed in 1989, and its quite evident it needs more time to evolve.

10. When in need of appeasing your sweet tooth, you can't go wrong with Opal. It has the consistency of hard licorice complemented by the taste of cough syrup. And while you're at it, feel free to grab a shot of Opal as well. You heard that correctly - they make booze too, and it tastes the same.

11. Don't let anyone try to tell you whale meat doesn't taste good....

12. If you plan on riding horseback, please understand that your "horse" may actually be shorter than you.

13. Go into your trip with the understanding that you have zero shot of being able to read or understand the language in any capacity (historical note: the Icelandic language is actually old-school Norwegian...it's just that Norway's language changed, and Iceland's stayed 12 century Norwegian).

14. If arriving in spring/summer, make sure whatever location you stay in has shades or blinds, cause you are going to need them.

15. Take some time to familiarize yourself with top 40 American music before your arrival, cause you don't want to be left in the dark at the bars (as previously noted, this is only a manner of speech in the summer months).

16. Please start smoking. I don't care if you don't like it. At the least, it keeps you warm.

17. No need to buy a bus pass - you can probably traverse the entire city within 20 minutes.

18. Be sure to stop off at the Blue Lagoon on the airport ride home. You'll see what I'm talking about.

19. Embrace the smell of sulphur, cause you're gonna smell like it no matter what if you decide to shower while in Iceland. Rubbing hard-boiled eggs over your body would probably be a good start.

20. Do not act surprised when you see the same people out every night no matter where you are - its Reykjavik - get used to it.

21. Be sure to pick up some Reyka vodka on your trip; it's surprisingly smooth and you will not be disappointed.

I hope this short (read: overly lengthy) list helps you with your potential trip to Iceland. Say what you want about the country - your economy would probably collapse too if your fishermen rise out of bed one morning and proclaim "So I think I'm going to become a trader today. What? I don't know anything about banking? Who cares!" That being said, I can't lie to you - I could not find all too many signs of a failed economy, minus a standard broken glass window or two after a full weekend of partying. The people seemed happy, the shops, restaurants and bars were still doing business, and Bjork was presumably singing some awful indie song somewhere...

The Next Prefontaine?

2009-03-24T20:45:00.005-05:00

Sometimes I even surprise myself at my laziness and/or lack of attention span. One of my classic examples is running on a treadmill: for one reason or another, I cannot seem to run on a treadmill for more than about 30 minutes. Although some could probably make a valid argument that this is simply because I am not in good enough shape to run for over 30 minutes, I don't believe this is the case - I just can't bring myself to do the same activity for over half an hour. It's not the fatigue that kills me; it's the repetition. I could run (walk?) 12 minute miles and STILL not be able to stand on the same damn treadmill for 30 minutes....

Some of the excuses I use to get myself out of running are quite unbelievable; in fact, they really run the gauntlet. Here are just a few to give you a small taste:

1. If one of my "set" of treadmills is unavailable (for a span of 5 minutes or more), I will simply choose not to run.

2. If the tv is not working, I can't run without getting bored (and when bored, I stop).

2a. If there isn't anything on tv that I want to watch, I can't run without getting bored (see above).

2b. If I find something on tv to watch, but it's a repeat and I've already seen it, I can't run without getting bored (see above).

3. If I don't visit the urinal immediately before running, I can't stop thinking about anything besides going to the bathroom, and I stop.

4. If I haven't eaten enough, I tell myself there's no way I can run for over 30 minutes because I don't have enough energy.

4a. If I eat too much, I tell myself there's no way I can run for over 30 minutes because I am too full.

I also don't want to forget my philosophy on the rare occasion that I run on a treadmill during the weekend (and am undoubtedly hungover as balls) - I treat myself to walking during commercials of any program I'm watching.

I keep telling myself that I can't wait till it gets warmer so that I can start running outside, but honestly, who am I kidding?? Once I start running outside, there's a whole other set of excuses and disturbances to utilize. I mean, who doesn't love traffic lights??

2009-02-27T09:16:00.002-05:00

So recently I've been utilizing the iPod "Earbud" headphones which were given to me free with my iPod. You know the ones I'm talking about - white, small, and trendy enough to give you the "Hey, I have an iPod" look. I've decided to do this in an effort to become more efficiently
"mobile" after work if I'm not planning on going home. I can't lie to you - although my usual headphones are not those typically found on an air traffic controller, they are a bit bulkier I guess, and as a result, they tend to not fit into my pocket as well as the ipod headphones.

That being said, I have to ask this - who the hell are the people that think these iPod headphones are actually comfortable? First of all, I'm pretty sure that the people sitting next to me on the bus are hearing my music with more clarity than I am. Seriously, how are these things comfortable? I certainly don't pride myself on this, but my ears probably rival those of Dumbo's, and yet I can't seem to fit these damn things into them. Are there classes available on this? Are my "ear holes" (clearly I'm a doctor) smaller than those of normal people? What the hell is going on here?

Does anyone know of more comfortable headphones? In the meantime, I'll grin and bear it, wear them when I have to, and subject people who may have happened to get too close to me to easy listening hits such as "No Easy Way Out" by Robert Tepper (off the Rocky IV soundtrack....you had to ask?)

What's the Deal With...

2009-01-27T21:56:00.005-05:00

Pardon my Seinfeldian-style rant, but I'd like to take a little time out of your day to discuss a particular phenomenon to which I still cannot seem to understand (I apologize in advance to my female reader(s) for this entry) - men who decide to use the bathroom stall to urinate (for some reason, use of the word "pee" sounds effeminate to me) when there is an open urinal.

"Gotta go to the john and introduce Mr. Thick Dick to Mr. Urinal Cake."
- Roman Craig, "The Great Outdoors"

Don't get me wrong here - there are definitely a couple scenarios in which I would partake in this as well. Namely:

A. If there are no available urinals (only an idiot would wait for one).

B. If there are only 3 urinals, and the middle one is taken (I try to abide by a one urinal buffer zone for reasons of comfort, as they are anything but spacious...or, if I'm at some type of event where the person next to me is intoxicated enough to the point where they may be missing their target).

*Please note that in any scenario where I would resort to the use of a stall, I see no reason to ever close and/or lock the bathroom stall door. Ever.

So I guess my question is, what would lead someone to not only consistently use a bathroom stall when a urinal is open, and not only do this, but go as far as to lock said bathroom stall? Are you such a bad shot that you don't even want to risk it? Do you have such extreme low self-confidence that you can't use a urinal (note - most people i've seen do this actually seem rather normal aesthetically)? Are these the same people that change into their clothes in a bathroom stall at the gym? What else does this mean from a social norm standpoint?

I figure that since you're already in there, why not just get it done while sitting down? To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure a guy who pisses sitting down is any weirder, and, hey - at least you can relax for a minute and maybe read an article or two, or catch your breath for a minute.

But don't let me stop you from doing something incredibly odd - we all have our quirks. I mean, you are talking to the guy who feels like his food has been contaminated, and thus is inedible, should one portion of his meal ever touch a different piece of food on his plate. Next time I see someone close the door on a bathroom stall when there are a couple open urinals next to me, I'll try not to judge....

The Island: Episode One

2008-09-15T15:46:00.006-05:00

After a long awaited hiatus, one of my favorite shows has recently come back to waste more of my time: The MTV Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Just as I did last season, I'd like to utilize this blog once a week for my recap of each episode. Truthfully, its less of a recap and more of a commentary, or an inner monologue. If you haven't actually watched each episode, you probably won't have a clue what I'm talking about.

As I'm well aware, this is probably one of the least popular types of blog entries for the majority of my readers, especially considering I am one of about twelve people in our age bracket who actually watch this show (in all of America, according to the Nielsen ratings,) but I'm willing to take the heat because I enjoy doing this way too much.

As it goes, here's a quick setup of this season's show: There are 20 different former RW/RR cast members, and they are all brought out to this deserted island somewhere off the coast of Panama on BMX by their host, TJ Lavin. By BMX, I mean motor boat. Anyways, this year's setup is much more like Survivor and less like The Gauntlet or The Inferno - the premise is to build 2 boats, with only 4 people per boat, with a few people getting keys to this treasure chest in which you need to open on some other isla.....actually, that's enough of a show summary - if you don't watch it, nothing I say here will actually cause you to begin watching the show.

On to my comments on the episode:

-Tonya is now living in Nebraska? What the hell is Tonya doing in Nebraska? I'd love to find this one out. I mean, how does someone go from "acting" in a Skinemax soft core porn series (yes, that's right: "The Erotic Traveler") to living in NEBRASKA??

-Exactly how many pounds do you think Ashli gained since we last saw her becoming a homewrecker on RW Australia? Can we set the over/under at 25 pounds? She was doing some work on that rice too. Let's try to hold back on the carbs there, Ashli.

-Who the hell is Dan?

-Love the fact that Kelly Anne went straight from projectile vomiting to smiling as if she just won her first Oscar.

-Abram is absolutely out of his mind....and I love every minute of it.

-I can't get over the fact that Derrick got married, and has a kid on the way. First of all, I would LOVE to see Derek's wife, and secondly, let's read that sentence over again - Derrick has a KID on the way. He sure seems ready for a kid, especially with his past history of drug addiction, alcohol addiction, and did I mention uncontrollable fits of rage, crying, and/or aggression?

-By Jenn's comments, are we to assume that she hooked up with Rachel?? I feel like this was somewhat implied. If so, where's my footage? Come on, guys - this is MTV we are talking about.

On a side note, it hurts to say this, but I think I nominate Jenn as most improved in terms of hotness. This is not saying she is hot - it merely notes that she is more attractive than when we last saw her. Johanna still rates as # 1 in my book.

-Where exactly is TJ coming from? Do you think he lives on the island as well? Possibly in a suite, complete with A/C, television, running water/showers, etc.? Or is he living in the same awful conditions as the competitors?

-These air drops from the Army better not only bring food and pieces of the boat to the cast members. If so, its gonna be a LONG season. Let's hope that MTV hasn't forgotten the one key ingredient which keeps this show moving - ALCOHOL. I realize the 1st episode featured some booze, but something tells me that this stuff won't be rationed nearly as well as the rice and chicken. Without alcohol, there will be no hookups, no fights, no anything - the show would essentially be a bunch of superficial, pretentious idiots just sitting around waiting for an elimination challenge. Please tell me this is not the case, MTV.

In summation - good initial episode, and hoping for a stellar season all around.