Only Me

Hopefully my last Great Big Blog Sale

2012-01-09T05:53:00.002-08:00

I'm finally making the proper switch to clean products: the last stage in my get healthy overhaul.

So below is listed for sale all the things I cannot use anymore (sob).

This is a UK sale only.

Everything has been stored responsibly away from direct heat & sunlight and is from a non smoking household. Everything has also been purchased at full price by myself - there are no freebies here.

Please leave me a comment to reserve anything (or tweet me @miffy101), along with your email. Please can you pay your invoice within 24hours of receiving (through Paypal).

Sorry but no returns.

Postage: For your first item postage is £1.50 (recorded delivery). Please add 20p for each subsequent item.

ILLAMASQUA Powder Foundation PF150

Lightly swatched £5

MAC Pencil 'Smoulder'

Sharpened once £1

LAURA MERCIER Creme Brulee EdP 50ml

Used a third £5

CONNOCK LONDON Kukui Oil Soothing Bath Oil

I've taken 2 baths with this £5

CONNOCK LONDON Kukui Oil Hydrating Body Lotion

Used twice £5

KING OF SHAVES Queen Of Shaves Ta-Da! Shaving Gel

Brand new £1.00

INIKA Mineral Eye Shadow 'Autumn Plum'

Lightly swatched £3

VAPOUR Lip Gloss 'Discreet'

Tested on hand (my lips are too pigmented to wear this nude) £5

BECCA Line + Illuminate Pencil 'Capri'

Sharpened once £3

ALPHA H Clear Skin daily face Wash

Used pea sized amount £5

ALPHA H Clear Skin Blemish Control gel

Tested rice sized amount £4

ALPHA H Gentle Daily Exfoliant

Dispensed 2 pre measured amounts £5

KARIN HERZOG

Silhouette Anti Cellulite Body Cream 150ml

Used once £5

Tonus B12 Draining Cream 150ml

Used once £5

HISSY FIT Saving Face Anti Ageing Foundation spf 50+

Used once £4

LA ROCHE POSAY Anthelios XL spf50+

Brand new £5

L'OREAL Colour Appeal Trio Pro - Hazel Eyes

Used 3 Times £1

OPI Gold shatter £2

Tested on one nail.

OPI Blue Shatter £2

Tested on one nail

ROCOCO 'Stone Cold Karma Luxe' £2

Tested on one nail

NUBAR 'Ballerina' £2

Brand new

ESSIE 'Mademoiselle' £1

Worn twice

ESSIE 'Wicked' £1

Tested on one nail

BUTTER LONDON 'Aston' £1

LEIGHTON DENNY 'Babydoll' £1

Brand new

NB This is a lot peachier than photographed.

LEIGHTON DENNY 'Pure White' £1

Tested on one nail tip

ROCOCO 'Jaded Luxe' £1

NAILS INC 'Saville Row' £1

Brand new

NATIO 'Brandy' £1

Used on one nail.

Splintering......

2011-03-19T12:12:00.001-07:00

And so it begins. The falling again. Watching your own heart open & weep painful hot tears. The pain of separation which leaves me gasping; like a small child.

Something I'd like to tell my 16 year old self? Get hardened to it sister, right now, because it never gets any better, any easier: nip it in the bud before you grow into it. Except I didn't.

Your mind plays tricks with your heart or is it your heart which makes a fool of the mind? My heart aches for the man, but is he real or were my desires and hopes projected onto him? I fear it may have been the latter: so, here I stand, the deceived and the deceiver of my own feelings.

His darker side scared me? No. More, ashamedly, I am smarting from not being taken there: kept separate. A whole side he hid away from me.

My friends, the real ones, are around me: ready to cheer me on and bolster me up. But it's very hard to hear words of how beautiful, sexy and clever you are when the man who used to say it no longer speaks. And if you don't believe it either? Well, you're onto a non starter really.

So here I am, at the starting line, watching the smoking gun and unable to move.

Bereft.

The Year Of Me

2011-02-06T16:48:00.000-08:00

It's Chinese New Year &, if you understand the reference, you'll know it truly is the year of me.

And about bloody time.

There's a job wafting about on the horizon, all beautiful & perfectly scented; there's still the chance of becoming a Special Constable (although the tests are akin to collecting hens' teeth in a gilded basket); there's my wonderful son & my oldest and coolest of friends.

The life lessons I've learned in the past year are (roughly):

1. You can, if you really want to, keep running up against that brick wall &, if you want to be really dramatic, why not bounce your head off it a few times? You will draw a crowd & they will pontificate but sometimes it's just easier to pick your shit up, say so long to the wall, and walk around it.

2. That Ready Meals, especially those that come out of the freezer, really are shit.

3. That sometimes the funniest, most laid back of friends can harbour a darker side that needs either constant fortune telling or babysitting.

4. That it's ok to not be cut out to handle the above.

5. That things and people happen for a reason and, if you stop pushing the button too hard, it or they will happen in their own sweet time.

6. That hammering it out on the treadmill (preferably with a bit of David Guetta in your audio canals) WILL take plenty of the stress away.

7. That dancing the night away with the girls doesn't make you a trollop - it means you're having genuine fun.

8. That wine is ever so yum.

9. That people sometimes walk away for a reason and, if only I wasn't such an analyzer, I might actually discover the answer why.

10. That people will hurt you.......... so I'd better put that rabbit's metal jacket on then.

Solace

2010-11-21T18:19:00.001-08:00

My one smile.

Brunches may get cancelled; bedtimes get a lot later than expected.

But a lot purer & simpler than anything I've known in a long time.

What then?

2010-11-21T17:35:00.000-08:00

My head is spinning. So many directions. So may choices. New chapters or the latest tragedy?

I went to bed last night - it snowed in the small hours. I still have no idea if it was real or a dream. My mind is living out in another place. Eternally spinning......

You hear these decisions come fast & hard; or are thrust upon you or grab you in the night & chill your heart, steel your soul. In truth? I am lost. I don't want to sink back into the mud but I'm too scared? Too hesitant? to climb out. I do not know what to do and I feel cheated. I was expecting an epiphany; angels; at least some dramatic theme tune, but its just me and my thoughts spinning, spinning.

I need certainty, the "yes, you're absolutely right" but life isn't like that. To go now would feel like a thief in the night. I need the neon sign; winking "go now" at me - neon & comforting & certain.

I only have one life..... which way to go?

I learned something else tonight......you won't necessarily get it all. Oh, you'll get the plate alright, the promise. The cakes all pastel & perfect, sprinkled with the fairy dust of your future. They are delicious & oh so beautiful. Aren't they just perfect & fun? But on closer inspection they come with a price tag. I don't want to live up to an ideal where the fun becomes the proviso.

Sharpening.

2010-11-21T10:46:00.000-08:00

They say that hard times show you who your friends really are. My friend, no longer: my back no longer guarded. The spite & anger left me reeling: my ears deafened by the buzz of shock.

For a second I was angry: betrayed & riled. And then.....simply - the steel doors came down; my heart protected. Once bitten? Never shy. The final realisation that the only best friend is yourself - that women are usually just too bloody hard work with a self serving agenda that will show itself eventually. Put your trust & true self in another & watch them break it, distort it, make it answerable to them.

Then came the real surprise. The void became filled with relief: the clean, clear air filling it up. My eggshell days are finally over. My wings are drying.

I am finally finding the freedom to be me in all my multicoloured facets & glorious faults. I can finally welcome myself with open arms - I am home.

Sweet child of mine.

2010-11-08T11:41:00.000-08:00

I am a Princess. This is a fact. I am also The Best Mummy In The Universe. He lays these accolades at my feet daily, his voluntary offerings.

I can be wild and impulsive but he is my constant; my sun around which I orbit, getting my warmth from his love and my light from his laughter.

Silken velvet curls, Wedgwood eyes, Snow White skin. He is nothing of me and yet my all.

I was told that I am broken - bearing another is not advisable for me. Is this why he is so cherished? No. It is because he is my ultimate; because his energy fills the room; he is white light and resonates as purely as a tuning fork.

My son.

I love you.

Is That So?

2010-10-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

So late last night the ex returns from his trip. I congratulate him on the sale of his ball & chain business ventre. It's only polite to do so isn't it?

I tell him he must be ever so relieved. He tells me that it must be a weight off my shoulders too. "The sale has knocked 10 years off you as well" he laughs (a little unkindly I felt), "you're glowing".

THAT, dear sir, is not the reason why at all.

Tempting.

2010-09-02T09:23:00.000-07:00

It would be so very, very easy to stay in La La Land: beautiful climate, gorge views, everything is simple, laid back and FUN!!!! God I have been missing fun - the simple, straightforward excitement of it. Very, VERY refreshing.

Home involves trying to keep up a fragile facade when I really want to shriek "Go awaaaaaaaay!!!"; stuck in the lull of inertia: have been unable to train properly due to my son's school holidays and injury; the position I am training so HARD for isn't even open yet & don't know when it will be. New abode cannot begin until I know I have a secure income to keep me & Lil Man happy. Gah!! Incredibly frustrating.

For various reasons I have not mentioned Man On The Horizon: this shall probably be the only time: purely out of respect for his privacy. There is a hazy shadow out there on the horizon: sometimes I can make him out clearly but then I look and he's not there. He is very nice. He knows that I know he is very nice. I have told him so. Every now & again he makes a step forwards & then retreats back 10. I honestly don't know what he does or doesn't want: what he likes & what he's bothered by. The last time I physically saw him was June-JUNE!!!!! That says a lot doesn't it?! But you know when you can clearly see in your head that it would be an absolutely no hassle, not even remotely tied at the hip, but still reliable & fun, gentle exciting kind of coupling? (I wouldn't even presume to use the word relationship). I really do think it would be one of those: a kind of real go with the flow thing. As they should be, really.

But the thing is we have hit a huge stumbling block: meeting again has not happened for several reasons and it's been so long now that it's silly. But I just keep thinking, ffs, if we could JUST meet up then we would realise (or not) that there's a fun spark there. The whole thing is becoming a bit of an elephant in the room; but you don't want to scoop up it's shit & shoo it out because you know it could be a good 'un.

There is, of course, still the Other Man who is not as complex as I thought: he's handsome & keen (which is always a good thing), but he's not the Man On The Horizon & for some reason that's where my hopes are fixed, out there on the skyline.

So, whilst I'm here in such a vibrant but laid back place part of me is so very tempted just to stay put, to stick my head in the sand, to give up and give in and just soak up the rays instead....

A poor show.

2010-09-01T09:46:00.000-07:00

Excuse me, is that pot free or will you actually be getting around to pooping in it any time soon? Only words from me today, I can tell you.

A Gentle Awakening.....

2010-08-30T11:01:00.000-07:00

Ladies & Gentlemen, fizzy loveliness & cakes are to your right, please do go help yourselves whilst I get a little serious for a moment......

I was looking at our wedding & new baby photos last night: I just came across a big pile of them so had a flick through.......I had a bit of an epiphany.

Looking at the photos, there are just young, happy faces & lots of smiles: full of hope & love & fun and I realised that the Ex and I DID love each other: we were in love and we had a fine old time of it. The faces staring back at me clearly show me they were happy & full of the future.

For some reason, knowing that it had been beautiful & wonderful once has somehow made the ending of it, I don't know, kind of OK & natural, pure & proper. It was beautiful once and now it's broken but that's OK. I really do believe things have a finite time to them.

I was also trying to really work out when things started to break apart; instead of trying to peer into a fog of misguided misery. I think it really began to get rocky in '07 when I had lifesaving surgery: the cracks began to show: I wasn't important enough. They really started to bug me when, on arriving back in England half cut open & ever so fragile, my Beau told me to go walk round The Green by myself, he was far too busy, but not to worry he could see me out of the window and would come get me if I collapsed. I clearly remember crossing a road and a car being some 20 feet away and thinking 'I cannot make it to the other side of the road in time'. I just did not figure. Not yet invisible but a pest all the same.

Looking at more photos I can pretty safely say by Easter 09 the rot was well & truly set in &, come June of this year, the final coup was but a dull blow: I was beyond surprised & too tired to care anymore.

But I know now that I have tried - for many, many years I have tried and it simply is not what I want to do anymore. I cannot live my life whilst trying to become a non entity (in my view) for someone else.

Finally I can release the butterfly of all the happy memories, shimmering in dazzling hues. Watch it catch the light of the sun & stay there for a while before it lifts away forever. My relationship. Over.

But my heart truly is OK - I can now honour our good times but know it is absolutely OK for me to have got off that road now. It's OK to say 'no more'. It's OK to want to find my own way. And I really do: OK, with some trepidation but mainly with a heart full of excitement. The future plans & moves are made, just the wait now to launch.

Am I coming out of my own cocoon? Perhaps not fully yet: there's been a torrent of water under the bridge keeping my new wings damp & heavy but all I have to do is to wait for the next ray of sun..........

I hate Mondays.

2010-08-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

Actually, I'm not best pleased at most mornings, but I hate Mondays especially. There's another one coming up. But happy, happy, joy, joy it is prefixed by two fantastic words: Bank and Holiday.

Somebody dig out the ice bucket.........

Nom!

2010-08-26T13:00:00.000-07:00

At which point in your adult life are you meant to grow up properly? I mean, I know it's not at all sophisticated to blow champagne out of your nose after a giggling fit (God forbid); & no one's going to love you for coming out of the loo with your dress hitched in your knickers (a friend of mine really did do that): those are silly, silly things. But does there come a point where someone is going to bollock you for still wolfing down Nutella on toast or for curling up in bed with a hot water bottle just coz you fancy it? When is it no longer sophisticated to deposit half a bottle of bubble bath in your bath just to get that kick of watching the bubbles go WILD? Can you air guitar when no one's looking? What about pulling stupid faces at the back of someones cross, retreating head? Can you still roll your eyes at your mum when she lectures you?

All I'm wondering is at what point do the Adult Police threaten to come and take you away?

Do You Want Ice In That?

2010-08-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

There are so many things wrong with this tale but it has to be shared: it is a perfect, blindingly brilliant observation of just how fecking stupid & brain dead people can be.

Whilst I was out on the weekend (yes, doing that smiling thing), The Ex (as he shall henceforth be called) took my SIX year old son out on a pub crawl. I did not make that up. He did. See? Wrong on so many levels already.

Well, supposedly they had a fine old time - visiting the least skanky of Newcastle's beer gardens (consult The Burglar's Dog if you are in any way unsure of a particular beer garden's virtue: it'll save a lot of shit on your shoe, mark my words) & chatting about, oh I don't know, the virtue of one Monster Truck over another.

Their final port of call (wrong, wrong wrong!!!!) was a certain pub that happens to have a big arch you can sit under. Being the responsible adult that he is, The Ex decided that he couldn't leave small son alone in the beer garden, what with it being a Saturday night and time ticking away towards Pumpkin Hour. So, he took son into the bar. Son climbed up straight away onto a bar stool and played with his Monster Trucks on the bar (the age giveaway is there somewhere, I feel). Dopey, dopey, DIPSTICK of a barmaid came and asked The Ex what his drinking pleasure would be, to which he replied "a pint of Grolsch". Nothing to get excited about there, you're thinking?:

SHE BROUGHT TWO PINTS AND SET THEM DOWN.

To add screaming insult to injury she lent down to my son and said, I KID YOU NOT "Would you like a straw with that?".

Words. Just. Fail. Me.

No, really, it is.

2010-08-23T10:29:00.000-07:00

I know, I know - it really is astounding. Confusing. Completely wtf?? But your eyes are not deceiving you; that really is me. Look. Out! SMILING.

Hiatuses have a point: they are not a thing of bone idle laziness & inertia. They are transformative; kind of hitting that crossroad & saying "feck it, I'm going this way". It's about realising when Enough is, frankly, ENOUGH. It's when life doesn't have to be such a big deal; when what another person thinks or doesn't think doesn't actually matter that much anymore. When someone else's actions shriek a hell of a lot more about them than they ever did you.

It's about realising that people DO change; that you can, actually grow tired of being the scapegoat. It's about refusing to be put in that box anymore.

It's about making the leap, standing up and saying "enough, enough, enough".

And it does hurt: it turns a bikini wax into a walk in the park. But ladies, and this is truly the BEST bit, it gets better. Infact it gets fecking brilliant. Best bit? Looking yourself in the mirror and thinking "woohoo, it all starts here".

So, the hiatus is done - okay there's still lots of i's to be dotted et cetera (& that's a brave move in itself) but I am laughing now and you can bet your bottom dollar there's plenty more catch up to come! So, girls, make mine a large one & yes, Friday is fecking excellent!

And the shelf groans........

2009-03-11T09:29:00.000-07:00

So, DH is perusing my book shelves the other day....he stops to ponder & I feel a Point To Be Made coming on......

"You know, " he muses , "you do border on the obsessive you know." "How's that then?".

"You cannot move in this bloody house now for horse books. Before that it was childcare books, before that self help books..". Self help??!? Pardon??? I bloody well think not. Turns out he meant books on yoga and whatnot.

I point out that all those other books are still there (in various stages of having been read), it's just that he is only NOTICING the horse books the most.

Anyhow, I can't think of nicer reading matter....

Word for the day.......

2009-03-11T09:22:00.000-07:00

"Solipsism.

The theory that the self is the only thing that can be known to exist.

solipsist solipsistic

Someone who only recognises and acknowledges his/her own emotions. "

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Legs, legs, legs......

2009-02-23T08:42:00.000-08:00

Cut to the school.......trio trot trit trot...leg on, moving forwards,urging on, open reign, inviting into the space, leg on; momentum, forward movement, leg on, leg on; cutting through the waters, leg on , leg on, LEG BLOODY ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaargh!

Return Of The Diddimen

2009-01-17T03:56:00.000-08:00

How to turn a completely pleasant hack into a farce? Pick the smallest pony you can find, ride it like you're an ironing board, decide to dismount after a leisurely trot, get back on and vault right over the other bloody side & onto the grass! To that dog walker out there, glad I gave you a giggle!

Back Away Slowly.....

2009-01-16T14:05:00.000-08:00

So, last October me & my BG (bestest girlfriend) are driving out to somewhere jolly in the countryside when she raises an issue with me. For several years she has been having weird dreams about airplane crashes and all her dreams seem to have come true. She pre told one to her husband and it came true.......now she was telling me about a new dream. The night before she's had a dream about an aeroplane which has come down (she always wakes up before the impact): she is really certain that it came down in one piece and that there were no injuries. It is a white plane with a blue marking on its tail. She thinks it comes down on a motorway - it is coming down onto something straight and long. She is seeing the whole thing happen from above - like she's on a bridge. "So I'm telling you this now and we'll have to see if anything happens". We both try and chortle it off .....

Cut to last night. I'd seen the news and not even thought about our conversation back in October. 11pm my phone beeps away & there is my BG's text,

"Sorry it's late but there has been a plane crash in America! It is a white plane with a blue tail fin......everyone got out. It was in a river, though, but it is the Hudson so long and straight and tv footage is from a bridge! Ooer!" Ooer? - too bloody right!

That surreal moment I had earlier in the week? - blown right out of the bloody water.

I'll have a ham sandwich, please.....

2009-01-14T09:46:00.001-08:00

I'll swear my son is going to turn into a ham sandwich. He had them for his tea last night. He'd barely opened his eyes this morning when he was asking for some for breakfast. Then he had some in his packed lunch (he checked with me a zillion times to make sure it was definitely HAM in his sandwiches) and he's just had another load for his tea.

Bless him, he's not the biggest of eaters at the best of times so I'm happy to make 'em til the cows come home at the minute!

The best morning!

2009-01-14T08:31:00.000-08:00

Dropped my little boy off at school this morning & walked back through the park to my home. Oh. My. God. How beautiful was the Earth this morning!!? Kylie's Stars on my iPod; a really low, big bright winter sun blinding me kindly; frost thick on the paths; silhouettes of a couple of dog walkers heading my way; an enormous flock of seagulls low over the park gardens; the bowling greens iced with a thick layer of frost. Everywhere crisp, fresh & bright. Your heart feeling like it will burst.

I live for mornings like these.

Up In Smoke

2009-01-13T09:58:00.000-08:00

What is it with people? I have been getting all the usual lectures about smoking - quitting/the benefits of etc etc for, like, forever.

So....I go and quit. I have been quit for 15 days. That might not seem monumental but it's a bloody big deal to me.

And, do you know, only ONE person has told me 'well done'. Bloody one!!

Not even my bloody husband can muster up any Goodwill to cast in my direction, this is despite the fact that he used to squawk & flap & feign asphyxiation if I nipped out to the garden to have a wee ciggy.

Nowt.

So, how does that work?
Are folk not interested? But they were bloody interested enough to hound me when I did smoke...

Jealous? That's just poor form...

*sigh* I really don't know, but I shall march forever onward in my No Smoking Quest. You just watch. And thank god for that one friend....

Hitler who??!?

2009-01-13T09:51:00.000-08:00

So, we're standing in the Yard, all tacked up & ready to ride out & I'm chatting to a friend before we head off. She has a gorgeous young black Labrador who she's doing all manner of work & training with. And she's telling me that she has taken him to see an animal behaviourologist.....for her to establish herself as leader of the pack she has to be all calm and unstressed & whatnot. "I'm usually quite a big person" she says, moving her arms in a large circle "and very loud and noisy. So he tells me to model myself on calm and serene and commanding people. And then I got it! I visualise 2 people who just command power....every time he [the dog] is naughty or panics me I just think of Hitler and the Queen Mother". ........ For a second I felt slightly odd. Did she just say Hitler??? In the same breath as the Queen Mother??!? What the??!?!?!?!?!?

It has to be one of the more surreal moments of my recent life!........

2009-01-06T05:15:00.000-08:00

There is something wonderfully gratifying about Facebook. Being stuck a la maison with a heavy dose of flu I have finally got myself on there and have rediscovered some fabulous old friendships as well as able to better keep in touch with regular chums. Aren't friends fabulous??