Stupid Personal Ads

Spreadsheets

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 05:30:00 +0000

Editor's Note: We heart Graph Jam! Graph Jam is brought to you by the lovely folks that created the LOL Cat craze. According to the site, you can make your own chart using their Graph Builder or upload your own files, images, or videos. Best of all, every charts is user-submitted. We decide to profile some of the charts related to love and dating! Enjoy!

see more Funny Graphs

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Let Down Lady

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 02:21:00 +0000

I Will Disappoint You-w4m (San Diego)

Shortly, very shortly, you will figure out that I am a total loser. As much as I tried to prepare you for the *shock*, I know you will still be surprised. I am an indecisive, overly sentimental, insecure, sexually fucked-up, beautiful L-O-S-E-R.

Right now, I know you are thinking wonderful things about me, but soon enough you'll figure out that i S-U-C-K, and then you'll leave me. And I'll let you go away without a peep, because I knew from the beginning that you'd leave so there's no surprise. The biggest surprise is that you stuck around longer than I thought you would.

But do NOT doubt that I will TOTALLY disappoint you in EVERY way.

Oh, and I cannot cook, either, which you'll find out when you open my empty fridge and see only salad dressing and packets of ketchup and salsa. And I talk to my dog all the time when I'm alone. I don't make my bed E-V-E-R (other than changing the bedsheets weekly), except when my parents come over. I do laundry and clean my home, but I like my privacy so I'll probably never ask you to come over and see it. I lie about being busy on the weekends because usually I'd prefer to watch TV until 2am.

Oh, and I've slept with 10 men but, if you ever ask, I'm gonna say 5. Not only do I eat cold pizza, but instead of putting it in the fridge after I eat a slice, I leave the pizza on the kitchen counter for a couple days and pick at it, room temperature (hell, the processed cheese alone will prevent it from rotting, right?).

I don't shave my legs or underarms unless I'm going to be seen naked. Otherwise, I just wear my jeans and a longsleeve t-shirt. I smoke cigarettes, but have lied to you and said I hated tobacco. I still sleep with a stuffed animal, and if it's missing I stay awake all nite. I like going to tanning salons, yes I know I'll get skin cancer, but I love the warm womb of the tanning beds.

Ah yes, you like how thin I am? I take tons of diet pills. Yes, I know the pills are even worse than the tanning beds, but I hate so many foods that it's easier. Oh, and your "favorite" restaurant that I say I love: it really sucks and i HATE the food there. But I'm sure as hell not going to cook for you!

And my last confession: I really like you more than I want to say. You're the first guy since 1993 that I think about constantly and play little games like adding Mrs. [my first name] to [your last name], etc. But you'll never know, cause I'm too embarrassed to tell you, even when you kiss me and say you love me. Because i SUCK, and I'd rather go down in a Blaze of Stoic Glory than be cast aside after I've admitted that I love you. Because it's only a matter of time before you discover these, and so many other, pitiful things about me and hit the Road and I'll never see you again.

Absolut Slut

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 06:01:00 +0000

Sick of Showering Alone with Vodka Martinis m4w
So I was in the shower this morning, having a vodka martini while washing my hair, and I thought "wouldn't it be great if I had a girl to do this for me?"

I mean wash my hair, not drink the martini...I can do that myself...

So after heading outside and kicking some homeless men so I could steal their change cups for cash, I popped into a Starbucks and ordered a non-fat soy chai latte, then had the barista stir it with her tongue. You didn't know Starbucks did that? Well you've probably never asked. Try it next time.

I sat down and fired up my laptop, first browsing a couple porn sites to see if my sister was getting any work... then opened up Craigslist and started to write.

So by this point of my profile, you probably want to shoot me in the kneecap with a small girly handgun... Let me give you some more ammunition...

While surfing in Africa last winter, I lied to my friend about which beaches had shark sightings then went to the worst one. I smeared his board with fish guts. Once he was attacked, I pulled him from the water... I'm a goddamn hero!
I've never stolen a car without returning it with a full tank of gas, two tickets to a hockey game, and a gently used handgun in the trunk. Juuuuuust kidding.... who can afford hockey tickets these days? Come to think of it, who can afford gas?
I know the difference between a fine kilo of pure Columbian yay, and a shopping bag full of icing sugar, so don't try and double cross me like my first four wives.
Everyone hates mimes... but not me. I respect someone who knows when to shut the fuck up. If we all did that, there'd be less war. Then again, if there was less war, Hollywood would start making more movies about teens trying to lose their virginity before college. I lost mine in grade 8 to my parent's chubby Greek cleaning lady... how come no one makes a movie about that?
My agent thinks I'm an asshole. Partially because I never pay her, partially because I keep getting her name wrong. I'm bad with names. If we sleep together, and I wake up and call you Betty, Sally, or Billy-Jo, don't be offended. I have the same problem with phone numbers, so if you wonder why I don't call... it's cause some nice family in the 'burbs is getting non-stop booty calls at 2am in your place.
Don't worry about that though, as I never sleep with the same girl twice. You wouldn't ask DaVinci to paint another copy of the Mona Lisa, would you?
I get mistaken for Tom Cruise almost everywhere I go. Not Tom Cruise the actor, Tom Cruise the assistant pottery teacher at Langley Highschool (go RiverRats!)
Now, since guys online dating all seem to like to tell YOU what YOU should be like (don't you love that?), I'll do the same.

* Don't be blonde. I'm bored of blondes in this town (like any of you are really blonde anyway... pfft... Grow some self-confidence and go back to your natural colour.) Sure blondes have more fun... but brunettes try harder, and I respect a woman who puts some effort in, and blondes just have it too easy.

* I don't care where you live. I have a car. I like driving. Have some ice cream and pie waiting for me and I'll drive to Brossard (well... it'd have to be homemade pie if you live in Brossard.)

* I'd prefer if you ARE married or have a boyfriend.... Look... I'm not going to sit around picking out new cutlery from a catalogue with you, or help you walk your tiny little dog. You should have a steady boyfriend or husband for that. I'm like a roller coaster, fun to ride by yourself (or preferably with your best friend!)... but terrible for trying to have a dinner party on!

Well... that's it for me.
Smell ya later...

PS. If I've piqued your curiosity, you should know that it's Ok for you to email me. I won't tell your friends, family, husbands, or boyfriends and don't you want to know if I just talk the talk, or walk the walk?

PPS. Please include a photo of yourself, preferably in a dress, but failing that, underwear. And failing that, track pants and a dirty t-shirt always work.

PPPS.Both my parole officer and my therapist have given me the thumbs up to date since "the bank incident".

Analytical Dating

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 08:02:00 +0000

Personal Ad in Graph Form- W4M (Sydney)

(*click to enlarge)

Michael Jackson Death Themed Personal Ads

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 07:34:00 +0000

**Editor's Note: Over the years, SPA has collected personal ads and dating profiles themed on current events: Wall Street, Pig Flu, or Natural Disasters. The below collection capitalizes on the sudden death of Michael Jackson. One single is trading sexual favors for Jackson's memorial service tickets. Please note only the "outgoing and busty" should apply. Another is simply comparing drug addictions. Lastly, a single trying to "pay tribute in a new interesting way."**

MONDAY NITE OF FUN & EXCHANGE FOR MICHAEL JACKSON MEMORIAL SERVICES - 35 M4W (LA)
1 extra ticket for that special someone to join me to Michael Jacksons Memorial Services. You be willing to join me Monday nite and be open to adult fun then join me Tuesday morning to the Memorial Services at Staples Center. You must be outgoing and busty. Send photo for quick reply.

Well at least I'm not a diprivan addict - 42 M4W(SF)
Wow, Michael Jackson has really raised the bar on drug depravity. I mean this is the stuff we use in the hospital to keep people in comas for weeks on end. What are parents supposed to tell their kids now? "Come on dad, give me a break. Michael Jackson was a diprivan addict and he was beloved by millions the world over, what's a little [insert drug of choice here]?"

Me, I'm more moderate in my appetites. If you too are moderate in your appetites, and enjoy other music in addition to the music of Michael Jackson, maybe we should go out.

Please no diprivan addicts. (I mean really Michael, diprivan? Really?)

Tribute to Michael Jackson - 28 M4W (Boston)
Ladies, I am searching to live out a fantasy, I would like to make hot passionate love set to the background music of the late great Michael Jackson. If you are a fan and would like to pay tribute in a new interesting way send me a message.

PS. Our favorite Jackson song! Celebrate the music. RIP.

Mind on My Money?

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 00:16:00 +0000

**Editor's Note: But where has your money been? Please note the poster's admission of being "educated" but lacking of basic spelling skills. Also, we decided to include the actual photo that was published with this listing. Classy!

WHO WANT TO MARRY THIS MILLIOAIRE? - 31-M4W (SF)

AND YES IM REAL AND SERIOUS. IM 31, SELF EMPLOYED, FINANCIALLY WELL OFF, EDUCATED, WELL TRAVELLED, AND LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT PERSON TO SETTLE DOWN WITH. PLEASE SEND A PIC.

Match.com-Jon Gosselin (Video)

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 06:13:00 +0000

From Funny or Die checkout the profile parody "Match.com-Jon Gosselin"

Match.com-Jon Gosselin - watch more funny videos

Wanted Mr. Clean

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 06:47:00 +0000

I'll Cook and Fuck, Just Do My Dishes - w4m (Seattle)
I love to cook, but lately, I have not been doing it nearly as frequently as I should. I live by myself, and cooking for one and then having to clean the goddamned mess seems like a total hassle. That said, if you promise to be a regular fuck buddy, then I'll guarantee satisfying you in more than one way. I've been told that I'm a great cook and a great fuck. I'm a vegetarian with a bald pussy. Doesn't cunnilingus on me sound fun?

Now here is the deal. You must do my dishes, and I am very particular about how clean they must be. I really hate doing them, but when I do, they are squeaky clean (you should be able to get that squeak when your fingers rub against my tupperware), so you best be able to handle that. After that, I'll happily ride the shit out of you or let you fuck me from behind. Really, all positions are open to debate.

I can handle a few grammatical errors in an email, but if you come off as sounding as though you cannot write a coherent sentence, it's a total turnoff. As for hygiene, I do not need someone who has a major case of OCD, but guys, let's be honest. You need to bathe more frequently than women do, and if you do not maintain a regimen of bathing, brushing and flossing your teeth, and wiping your ass, can I truly trust you to wash my dishes? I would insist on seeing tasteful photos of you, and I'll enjoy throwing your dick shot photos into my new shredder and then into my trash folder.

Extra Credit, Yo?

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 01:45:00 +0000

Why you want to date my face off, in 7 easy reasons - 29 (Boston)
I am the embodiment of the word "Dope" (that doesnt count as a reason!) I couldn't think of anything more apropos than a top seven list because top ten lists are amazing.

1. whiskey:
I drink a wonderful brown elixir (see: whiskey as a substitute for water. 8 glasses a day. it makes me smarter, stronger, and more attractive by the glass. (it also tends to make fat girls skinny, and ugly girls hot, and anything that talks to me close to closing time a supermodel, so it has its drawbacks.) I'll ether die before I'm 30, or live forever. wouldn't you like to see which?

2. I'm a writer:
Snooty writer friends are good to have, because they (we) are assholes and sneer down their (our) noses at everyone. calling them neat things like philistines and troglodytes. when you see them (us) trash everyone but you, you'll get the warm fuzzies.

3. I'm fucking cooler than the last guy you dated.
I wear cool clothes, have cool hair, go cool places, know cool people, have cool dogs, live in a cool neighborhood, listen to cool music, and do cool things.

It's a little sickening really.

4.My name rhymes with cool things:
Which is super important if i ever decide to branch out into the underground hip-hop circuit. you never know, right? i'd hate to try to be rhymin' shit with Herbert, or Leslie. those are punk-ass names. for serious.

5. Kung Fu:
I don't KNOW kung fu per se.... but I know about it and I wish I knew it which makes me better than 69% of the population.

6. I'm tall:
Need someone to reach something off a tall shelf? I'm your man. you never again have to worry about wearing tall heels on a date, or the boy you're having drinks with thinking less about hanging out with you, and more about the ad he saw for shoe inserts in the back of details magazine that could make him 3 inches taller.

7. I like the finer things in life:
I don't have many, but I like the shit out of them all.

ok so tell me about how fucking dope you are, and why we would have an awesome time. also, include a picture. you don't get to be this big of a cocky asshole without setting a few standards. no pic, no response.

My picture is attached..(as if you needed any more convincing. You're totally sold. I can feel it. maybe I'm Psychic!)

REASON 8! I'M FUCKING PSYCHIC!!! xtra credit, yo.

The Woman Whisperer

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 06:33:00 +0000

**Editor's Note: Thanks to reader, nofun, for spotting this "service personal" ad.

In Search of a BITCH to Tame - 35 m4w (Houston)
Are you a bitch and need to be tamed? Want a man to take you and make you his slut? Have your will broken make you do his?
No matter how much of a fight you put up I'll get past your defenses.

What You Looking At?

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Sat, 30 May 2009 07:11:00 +0000

To All the Women Obsessed with Me - m4w
Look, I'm a good looking guy, that's fine. But why not just ask me out instead of playing all these silly games?
All day long, I'm running into women of all sorts who just STARE at me shamelessly, through their EPV (extreme peripheral vision). You think I don't notice, but trust me, it's obvious.

The young waitress at Chili's?? Smiling at me, touching my shoulder and tossing her hair seductively with every refill of my diet coke?? FRIKKIN ALL OVER ME!! Then I leave my customary 5% tip, and next time I come in she's even more obsessive, trying to play "hard to get" by avoiding my section completely.

The older lady who approached me at Barnes and Noble, who has her own business and is looking for people just like me to help her expand in the area???!?? Like I don't know what THAT'S all about!! I bet there's nothing she'd like more than for me to expand in her "area"!!

The well-endowed blonde bartender with the wedding ring.. who calls me "Hun" every time I order another gin&tonic... YOU'RE MARRIED, YOU FILTHY NASTY FUCKING WHORE!!

Well, I've resorted to posting on craigslist, so I can use the anonymity to help mask my amazing looks and irresistible charm. But no doubt some of my internet stalkers will find me anyways, offering to let me see them "live 24/7" showering with their sorority sisters.

If you can approach me with confidence so we don't have to play these silly games, I'd love to hear from you.

p.s. - I'm not attracted to Nigerian women, no matter how much money they are willing to put in my bank account. Nothing personal

Sesame Street Hookup?

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Fri, 22 May 2009 07:16:00 +0000

**Editor's Note:: According to Urban Dictionary, the term Bert & Ernie can refer to the following: "derogatory term for two gay males" or "two males who live together and often sleep in the same bed in a neighborhood where giant canaries, coke fiend mastadons, cookie enthusiasts, vampires with a fettish for numbers.." We are glad the poster clarified that he was "definitely not gay".

Bert and Ernie - 34 m4w (SF)
Ok, I know this sounds strange, but I have a 'Burt and Ernie' fetish. I am definitely not gay ,so I need a woman to fill one of the rolls. Typically, I am Bert. For some reason I just relate to Bert more. But to be fair I would be willing to be Ernie sometimes. And this is not just a sexual thing. We could go to the beach as B&E, dinner... what ever you like. I am serious with this so please don't poke fun.

So, if your down for some groovy B&E times, get back to me with a picture.

Take care. :)

Shafted

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Tue, 12 May 2009 21:04:00 +0000

**Editor's Note: Everyone does something they regret in their careers--telemarketing, temping, etc. The smart prick below appears to be getting shafted by the ladies because of his moon-lighting escapades into the adult entertainment industries. This ad isn't the best way to get a head in the dating game.

EX ADULT FILM STAR now leading a normal life-m4w (SF)
OK, I'm tired about lying about my past. Yes I WAS in the adult entertainment industry for a few years. So, I'm just putting it out there and not even thinking that anyone will respond but hoping to meet a cool understanding girl that will be sympathetic to my story and understanding of my past. I'm only 34 years old and very fit, very healthy, regularly tested and very very clean. Let me just state that upfront. Actually, you'd be surprised at how 'clean' most porn actors are because regular testing is mandated and it's highly regulated.

Anyway, with that said let me say that my ex porn career is not something that I'm very proud of. I wish it wasn't part of my past but it is. I got into it at a vulnerable wayward time in my life where I wanted to make quick money and easy cash doing something I loved.

After performing in the industry for just over 4 years I decided I had had enough. I wanted something more 'normal' I guess. Besides, the business part of the adult film industry wasn't very fun for me. So, I'm hoping to hook up with a girl here that wouldn't hold my past against me. A girl with a heart but also with a freaky fun side that I can explore. While I'm out of the industry I'm still HIGHLY sexual and need to feed my hunger for intense playtime. Please be attractive and well groomed. There's no need for you to look like a porn star or act like one. I like nice girls who can get naughty and can appreciate a guy that is very well endowed.

Oh, by the way I'm 6'1 190 with mixed green eyes. I'm Caucasian and I live in the Bay area now with a very good 'normal' job.

Speedracer

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Mon, 11 May 2009 20:53:00 +0000

i just want a chick who likes to f@ck on speed - m4w
its pretty simple really. ill supply all of the party favors. i prefer white women. just be of age, attractive, slutty, and like to get wasted.

ok im going to discount electronics on anderson ln. be back soon. a pic of you would speed up the process, no pun intended

Hamdemic: Pig Flu Themed Personals II

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Fri, 01 May 2009 07:07:00 +0000

**Editor's Note: Bacon's Revenge aka Pig Flu continues to capture world-wide news headlines. Current events make great attention catchers in the world of Internet dating. Our last post, One flu East, One flu West, featured ads containing references to this worldwide outbreak. Today our lovely editors catch even more pig flu mania on the web. **

SWINE FLU ZOMBIES! - 31 m4w (SF)
Ok, ok, it's just a bunch of teenagers in Sacto with high temps. But still. A boy can dream about zombie hordes, awesome martial arts moves and hot steamy post-apoc sex, right?

Holla if you've got a sawed-off and some crazy-ass OSHA gear. Or just want to have a drink with someone whose brains haven't been eaten.

--or

HEEEELPPPPP!! Do you have Swine Flu? KISS ME!!! (SF)
Ok, so I am failing my physics class, and I have a final in 2weeks!!!! I asked my teacher if there was anything I could do. He looked at me and said, "the only thing that could save you now is if you get swine flu".

"Really?" I said.

"Yes" he said

So, I need a woman to kiss meeeeee!!! At this point, even a guy would work for me... just someone!!!!!

It's the only way I can pass physics.

KISSSS MMEEEEE!!!!!!

Five Times A Lady?

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 18:13:00 +0000

SWF with DID Wants Caring Kinky Man - w4m (LA)
If you're looking for a "normal" woman, please do us both a favor and move on. I'm single by choice, white, in good shape (personal trainer), and attractive enough where I have no trouble getting dates. However, due to some severe childhood trauma, I also suffer from dissociative identity disorder or DID, often mistakenly called Multiple Personality Disorder.

For the past few years, I've fought with medication and several therapists and suffered through relationships with men and sometimes women who just didn't understand the needs of my alters - the other personalities that manifest themselves from time to time. Perhaps I'll never have a long term relationship ubt I have come to realize in the past few years that there are many kinky people in the world and the internet has given me a safe and sane forum to meet them. So, with a hopeful heart, I'm wondering if someone is out there who can handle all of me.

I'm looking for someone who would be comfortable with all of my alters. Understand that I have no control about which alter appears and when, so you have to be the kind of person who goes with the flow.

Audrey - this is "me". I'm a normal woman, I suppose. I like snuggling and enjoy sex.

Trixie - a nineteen old runaway. She is a real partier, very bisexual and into sleeping with strangers. She has a temper.

Vance - a stern 45 year old ex cop. This male alter is very dominant and enjoys forcing his partners into anal adventures.

Maggie - A born again Christian, age 35. She is secretly a lesbian and this comes out by the women she brings home, ostensively for her man but actually for herself. She also makea a lot of cookies and follows the "Fly Lady" routine from the internet.

Sara - 25 year old seemingly frigid virgin. Requies a lot of patience as she cries a lot, but will warm up to the right person.

Anyway, that's me right now. I can't promise what will happen in the future, but who can? Can someone out there handle it? I am feeling pretty lonely and would if I meet the right person and we all hit it off, I'd like to get going right away.

Related: Staberlelized.

One Flu East One Flu West

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 05:38:00 +0000

**Editor's Note: Based on news reports on the swine flu, we are expecting martial law and quarantine camps by Friday-complete with plague-like deaths, burning corpses in the street, and nuking small towns from orbit. Thus before the end of the world, why not attempt to find true love or just get laid? Mark Twain once wrote, "let us endeavor to live, so that when we die, even the undertaker will be sorry." Enjoy these swine flu themed ads and stay far away from us.**

Looking for nice girl without Swine flu - 32 (SF)
I'm looking for a charming, clean girl that doesn't have Swine flu. In fact, overall good health is a plus. Someone that baths regularly and washes their hands after using the bathroom. If you want to wear one of those goofy cloth masks on your face, that's okay too.

P.S. Don't bother contacting me if you just returned from Spring Break in Cancun or you own a pet pig.

-----------or

Swine Flu Pandemic - 35 (Boston)
It will be horrible to die alone in the impending plague. I hope to meet someone to share the isolation of influenza quarantine. Please reply if you have a post-apocalyptic wardrobe and the temerity to steal scarce vaccine.

-----------or

Last Chance for Survival! - 21 (Seattle)
I don't mean to startle you, but what the CDC Is not telling the public is that the Swine Flu is spreading at an alarming rate. Not only that, but its mutated into something much worse, people effected with the virus are turning into flesh eating zombies. Your only chance for survival is to join me in my fallout shelter at a secret location. There's only enough supplies for me and one other person to survive long enough until the virus and zombies have died out.

Due to the amount of responses I'm sure I will get, I will be giving a rigorous physical/mental exam. to the top contenders. After we emerge from the fallout shelter we will be able to rebuild the world bigger and better than it was before. Come with me if you want to live!

Fugly Women Wanted

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 06:23:00 +0000

Fugly women wanted-M4W (Austin)
I am looking for someone fugly. The fuglier the better. Don't get me wrong. I would love to find someone that I am attracted to. Both in personality and looks. But I am giving up.

I like to fight to stay up in bed talking about nothing. You know... turning the tv and lights off at 1 a.m. But next thing you know the sun is coming up and you are wondering where the time went and how we went from talking about going to the park tomorrow to the different ways to skin a cat. Most good looking women prefer their "beauty sleep" to that.

I also like going to Wal Mart at 2 o'clock in the morning and impulse shopping. Starting with you in the basket. And ending with both of us being escorted out for a silly string fight in Electronics!?!?! Most hotties are too worried about what people will think the next time they try to go in that store.

I also want my women to challenge me. Not be subservant. Don't agree with me simply because you want me to feel more like a man. Put me in my place. Tell me off in front of my, your, and our friends. Make sure that I am who you want me to be. A lot of the good looking ones must think that they can just find someone better instead of going thru the hassle of that.
I could go on forever.

-Comfy in my t-shirt. Even ifit doesn't shape to your fit body.
-Going a day without making yourself up. No matter who we might see.
-Burping while playing a drinking game.
-Drinking out of the milk jug.

I mean.. I want a woman that is real and not pretend. And it has just been my experience that the better looking they are. The more fake they are. So I want an fugly one. Moles with hair growing out of them is a plus. Clothes shopping at Lane Bryant will definately score you extra points. If you losing your virginity at age 25 was not your choice then you are definately the one for me.

Hurry up. You know you are out there. I have the warm, comfy side of the bed waiting for you. If you hurry I just might throw in a back rub and foot massage.

One last thing. I don't want to get sued by any groups. So the good looking ones can send me messages too. Just know.. you are already behind. You must be able to answer 4 out of 5 Friday the 13th/Nightmare on Elm Street questions(kinda like true false... you just have to identify which movie series the actor I named was in). And you must be able to tell me the ranks of hands in poker. Those are just for the better looking ones. The fugly girls don't need to worry about the test.

I am waiting....As long as this ad is up I am still looking......

Art-ificial Intelligence

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 18:24:00 +0000

**Editor's Note: Transexual Abominable Snowman Aims To Save Endangered Photoshopped Species & Find Soulmate? If the crotch fruit of Micheal Jackson and M.I.A. were looking for love, the ad might go something like the one featured below. Also note, the below image crafted by a 32-year-old man is unaltered by us.--(we only wish we were this good but we only have 10 toes.) **click to make larger at your own risk**

Must Still Be A Child Inside m4w m4 (anybody fun) - 32 (SF)
SO! When you reply or respond I ask that you
show me the why of your wry musical grooves, dance shoes, and artistic appetite
show me the who of your you through small pleasures and simple desires
show me the when of your zen
show me the what of your cut of spunk and charm
show me the how of your POW! wordplay
show me the WOW of your now universe
show me YOU
and as in that Bjork song
chase me like, “This is it!”

Now Playing: You Sexy Thing – Hot Chocolate

This first picture is self-explanatory, except maybe for the frozen wasteland behind me and how I managed to walk on water. *giggle*

Check out Current TV's InfoMania's Sneak Peak of Michael Jackson's Auction. (NSFW language)

Ganja Gal for Stoner Stud

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 07:27:00 +0000

**Editor's Note: On this unofficial holiday, we selected two weed themed ads. The first one is reflected of a type A searching for a patchouli stud. The second one, we believe is either a rap or a poem, seeks a big butted babe who loves to blaze. "When you dance with Mary Jane, you get your toes stepped on." -Eric Foreman.

Wanted: STONER BOYFRIEND -w4m
Where are all the cool hippy guys out there? I would drive to Santa Cruz, park my fine ass in a park, playing my ukulele, eating tofu jerky, waving a clear baggy of catnip tied to a stick and spend a day trying to lure a cool stoner to join me on my blanket of love…,but I have a real 8-5 job and can’t afford that luxury. So where do I find one of you earthenware brothas?

I’m tired of shmuckety-schmuck yuppies with money. Frankly, their cars are usually a better ride than they are. That, and they’re notorious cheaters. It’s as if faithfulness dives to the ground on the seesaw when success, money, and a hot car rises to the sky on the other end. Before any of you peg me as some kind of sad self-pitying chick whose Daddy left her & so she is doomed to chase cheaters & beaters and sabotages her relationships because she feels unworthy of a man’s love, just know that I do not engage in self-pity, ever, because I have a great life full of blessings & achievements & I realize I have it better than 99% of the world’s population. That, and I have a great relationship with my father. I’m just slamming a certain segment of the population that I have had extensive personal experience with.

In my quest for the “right” boyfriend, (right for me, right for right now, whatever) I have dated various types, from the poor starving artist, to the self-absorbed bodybuilder, to sugardaddy types, to the intellectual Seinfeld guy next door. They all failed, though not always miserably. Yet, being the eternal optimist, I am on to the next type and, fingers crossed, we will hit the mark for a good time. At least I think I’d know what to expect with a cool stoner guy (though surprises are nice). I’m thinking…..MELLOW TIMES. I like to laugh.

Here are my revised criteria for the next boyfriend-You must be either:
a) an unemployed djembe player (if you must google djembe, then you’re obviously not down to par)
b) a trust fund baby with real, intended if not realized, artistic goals
c) just plain confused about why the hell you haven’t packed up & moved to the islands yet
d) employed at some warehouse, the atmosphere of which leads you to gripe about the “establishment” and the political agenda of your Nazi floor supervisor.

You must have scruffy, shaggy hair, all over, preferably, au natural, be it on your face, head, or body. Bonus points if you smell like patchouli. Dress in soft cargo shorts & thrift store shirts, own no socks and not enough sandals & look rockin’ in either snowboard/surfer gear, or shirtless if you’re a rockclimber. You have a favorite hat, favorite pajamas, and a good luck charm.

You must live in either Santa Cruz or a treehouse. Somewhere with a lot of trees, preferably, so we could take nature walks & oil paint the pretty flowers together. One of us would have to purchase a compass or be able to navigate by sun/stars in case we get lost out there.

You must either:
a) own a car that you can’t drive
b) drive a car you don’t own
c) have the ability to drive my car, if not the urge to want to. I am happy to provide & fulfill the various material needs of this relationship, however I do like to be treated like a lady now & again and be driven around by her smooth new stoner boyfriend. It’s cool. I have a convertible. No, not everyone is looking at you.

You must love to eat, because I love to cook. I can fix us stoner-approved goodies like an array of munchy crunchy finger foods OR I can cook a gourmet dinner that won’t be lost on your extra-heightened tastebuds. One thing I won’t do is use flaxseed because that crap gave me an allergic reaction and my tongue turned blue & I spoke with a lame novocaine-like fubblelisp for days.

You must love to cuddle and be happy to leave a shirt that smells like you for me to sniff when you’re not around. I will not be burning incense in your absence, so this seemingly tiny detail is critical.

Since I am the professional career woman and will be supporting you & financing most of our outings, it is critical that you be thoughtful, entertaining or have some talent(s) to amuse us with. I will buy you that new surfboard if you design something out of hemp rope & barbwire (to showcase the symbiosis of Nature & Man) for me to hang as a mobile above our bed.

You should probably have a prescription for ya medicine, feel? I mean, if you have no choice but to get it illegally, then I understand, it’s just that they issue you these cool little ‘green cards’ when you’re under a cool Doctor’s dope Rx.

You must be comfortable giving & receiving massages and capable of lots of stimulating sexoccupations because there’s nothing hotter than being able to do yoga in bed, balancing Funyuns on our nipples, engaging in textural pudding wrestling, blowing smokeballs in each other’s mouths, and bragging to friends about the time when you should’ve pulled a tantric muscle but didn’t, because Maaan, that shit’s sooo ___fill in the blank__.

Most of our time together, after my long boring day in corporate America, will be spent a) smoking b) gettin’ busy c) eating d) playing videogames e) nature hikes f) planning the secession of Northern California

Okay, that’s about it. I like all types & races of men, your smile & eyes are most important. Of course, be in relatively good shape (it’ll come in handy for the yoga payoff) and taller than me (I’m 5’6’). Also, no one over 33. If you are still a stoner at 34, then somewhere your mama went wrong.

If you or someone you know fits all or most of the criteria above, and is generally a nice guy with few baggage (that he can remember), pass him my way.

Peace

~Future stoner chick-a-boom-puffpuff

I Need a Stoner Bitch - 26-m4w (SF)
If this describes you below then hit me up and you wont be disappointed...its 4/19 got a minute?

I need a stoner bitch baby lookin just like you.
And if you like to get high, well then you just might do.
Never cry. you only sad when the sack is gone.
I got a pound of the bomb so girl pack the bong.
Fuck the coach, fuck the prada, fuck the dolce & gabana.
She's happy kickin back smokin a fat sack of marijuana.
We'll be together forever, that's what she promise me.
The only breakin up we do is when we breakin up the weed!
And please believe, she's doin it right.
she's the type of girl that likes to smoke & fuck all night. she's the love of my life, my stoner bitch is the bomb babe.
She's better than a blonde babe & better than beyonce!
Ass so big, you can see it from the front.
And she's so damn sexy how she pass the blunt.
My stoner bitch is like a dream to me,
She be so fine. I gotta make this little fly stoner bitch all mine.
She's got it rolled & ready. packed & loaded. now it's time to somke.
And talk about this stoner bitch, cause man, she ain't no joke.
Let's get it straight don't ever let her hear you call her bitch.
It's like the lights go on & off, her attitude will switch.
I got a fine lady, who loves to blaze & sip some wine & lay up on the couch with me when it's gettin close to game time.
My stoner lady's bad as fuck, & yeah she likes to fuck. like she loves it when I'm diggin deep inside her guts.
No macaroni & cheese, please, she'll hit the store. if we outta weed then she's out the door to make a score.
She be the love of my life, I know she down to ride. my stoner baby maybe someday be my stoner wife.

PIC 4 PIC and be fun,fit,open minded,cute and love to blaze im all these things as well.

Pregnant Pause

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 08:43:00 +0000

**Editor's Note: Some men can't help being attracted to expecting mothers- the full breasts, the slightly slumped posture. Beyond the physical, there's the bizarre eating habits and fiery attitudes. This third time pregnant poster is seeking someone who is 1)"intellectually intellegent", 2) willing to go to Six Flags, 3) enjoys house work, 4)very important--has no empty fish tanks.

Added bonus, last year we found a perfect match in the Houston area with this Fetal Attraction ad.

We can Git-r-Done at the top of the Raddison w4m (Houston)
My whole world has been brown, black and purple, yet I still am looking for Mr. Right, thus the reason for this add. I'd prefer someone between 34 & 51. However, some 34-year-old guys are still immature & some 51-year-old guys are as well! So, it's really difficult to specify.

I am a lady who has been dumped on a lot. I have 2 children and am currently pregnant, which is why right now my body is considered as thick. When not pregnant, I like the bar scene but not too often. Friends thrust me because i am worth it. I try to do people the way I want to be done. Any topic should be open for discussion from what's for dinner, to sex, to how are we going to pay for that. I do have plans on furthering myself in the knowledge of books. I want someone who is intellectually intellegent. I can go gambling and not worry about money; willing to go to like six flags and ride rides. I do live on my own with a roomate. And I do get irrated very easily....I have aquariums with fish in them. Its important to have fish in them, if there were no fish them it would be so boring looking at water and rocks. I do not like being caught in the rain.

I have been married a few times,; the last one was a mistake.

i am mostly an easy going girl but i do have a temper and i will stick up for myself when i feel the need. i hate it when a man takes you out and looks at other women. i have been hurt alot so i have a guard up, but feel free to try to break it down. i love to bake things but i don't think that i am that good at it, but people have told me i am. Honestly, im really looking for someone who likes to wash dishes. I love to cook but I hate to clean up the kitchen. If there is anyone out there that likes to eat and then clean send me a message. Also, I dont like anyone that is into self-mutilation because I want someone that has some degree of self respect.

Favorite things: watching a thunderstorm front move in; licking chocholate batter from the bowel; drinking Tarantula while floating on the lake with friends.

Last read: stuff

What I've learned from my past relationships: nothin

My idea of the perfect first date: Meeting for dinner and then go sit in a park and talk. Or if the weather is bad go out to dinner and then go dancing

Favorite hot spots: going to the country bar and sports bar and strip clubs sometimes

This time it's about me. My name is anna, and my theory is if you want to know more about me you can try asking.

Photos of course.

**Editor's Note: Meet Rebecca who is single and 8 months pregnant via Funny or Die. (NSFW Language.)

Casual Sex Episode One: eHarmony from Andrea Savage

Dead Sexy

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 23:22:00 +0000

Necrophiliac seeking Corpse-w4m
Seeking a tall, well-muscled insomniac to indulge a very particular fantasy. I would like to see you lie motionless on a green-and-cream chintz bedspread, face-up, wearing only your plaid boxer shorts, with your arms crossed on your chest like a corpse at an open-casket funeral.

You will sleep like a cat, and I will watch you, ignore you, go out for a coffee, or possibly photograph you with my BlackBerry. When you awaken, we will watch low-quality American television and eat coconut sorbet.

Snorers, sheet-stealers, seafood-eaters and those with a post-CEGEP education need not apply.

Scat Man

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 22:41:00 +0000

**Editor's Note: BIG thanks to long time reader, idyll, for pointing out this ad. It is however a potential a fake as it can be found floating on various blogs and other dating sites. Being said, the ad is still a classic. The best pull out line, "I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions." Further more, it make us wonder if someone would really go so far as to sh@t themselves to get out of a bad date?

To the Woman that Crapped in My Car--m4w
We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,
Tad

P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 23:01:00 +0000

Lindsay Lohan pokes fun at her split from girlfriend Samantha Ronson in a spoof dating ad for the comedy Website FunnyOrDie.com.

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Bunny Basher

noreply@blogger.com (So-lo) — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 21:22:00 +0000

Sorry. Easter is CANCELLED- I had no choice!!! m4w (Boston)
It saddens me to have to be the one to tell you this bad news (not really), but nevertheless, I'm here to tell you that Peter Frickin' Cottontail won't be hip pity-hop pity bouncing down the bunny trail any time soon and here's why.

It's holidays like Easter that remind me I still don't have a special lady in my life. So this year, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I had a choice to make--either show up at yet another Easter Dinner without a date or cancel the whole damn thing holiday altogether.

Needless to say, I went with plan B and as you can see from the picture, I was quite successful and the task has been carried out. My deepest apologies to all your little kids for putting the kibosh on all their your chocolate covered easter egg hunting dreams. Look on the bright side. You can thank me for saving you from having to tolerate all those calorie inducing kids bouncing off the walls sugar buzzes.

So that's it. Easter is canceled and there isn't anything anyone can do about it. While I'm at it, be forewarned. Christmas will be here soon enough and I refuse to go through that whopper of a holiday all alone ever again, so I have a few ideas how to deal with Jolly Ole' Saint Freaking Nick (for you blondes-that would be Santa Claus).

Bottom line is this: if your somewhere between 30 and 40 and like a guy with an obviously demented sense of humor, you should reply to this posting. You might possibly save a lot of people from another not so jolly holiday surprise.

Okay. That's it. hop hop......I mean...chop chop.

(sorry--I'm still reveling in my ultra-successful mercenary rabbit removal program. Anyone need a rabbits foot??)
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