Darker Side Of White...

He is my mother 3

2016-07-04T06:35:00.001+05:30

I could hear her faint cries on the baby monitor. Dr. Singh had worked out a deal with the cops to let her stay with my family until the disposition ended. The cops did not like the idea and were adamant on putting her in a foster home but one look at my Angel's face and they decided otherwise.

It wasn't as easy as they say, it was roughly about 2am in the night and this was the second time in the night she had woken up. Would I be able to do this for long? Surely by now I should give up, she keeps crying and no one ever tells you how much a diaper costs. That tissue paper like thing is more expensive than drugs.

"You can't bring her to work, day care is for mothers and some of them don't feel comfortable while feeding." The Office HR explained to me in a what she thought was a sympathetic voice.

"But where do I take her then? The day care is for kids, I can speak to them, would you at least give me a chance to speak to them?" I said.

"Frankly it is affecting your work and you should do the right thing and give up the child." The HR said after giving up her pretence of actually giving a damn.

"My child isn't going anywhere, when was the last time you asked a woman to get aborted or give up her child? You have a son would you give him up?" I retorted.

"Lets not get personal, we are professionals here. If all women sign this consent form you can bring her in and I mean all." She said handing over an email which she had already signed.

I couldn't hold back my tears, she was human after all, I thought. Using her clout as the head HR we were able to get all the mothers to sign a waiver. My angel was officially in day care and free to cry her lungs out for daddy even if he was sitting in front his boss and talking about a raise.

"We have to meet, the family court has given us a date for March. I need you to meet my aunt, she is an ex-justice and will be presenting your case", Anvesha said over the phone.

Two days later my angel and I met retired Justice K. Sethi one of the pioneers of women's rights and woman who could beat the best lawyers in the country without even raising a brow.

"So you really want her don't you? Anvesha has never been so passionate about any case ever since I have seen her practice. The battle will be tough only two cases have been submitted in court like these till date and in both the judge gave the child to foster care." Justice Sethi said.

"No court can take her from me, her mother gave her to me. I will be her father no matter what happens. The court will have to rule in Favour of me." I said rather loudly and quickly apologised.

"You have the passion alright, now the next step is to put all our research in place, the court can challenge that you may give her up after you marry. We need witnesses like Dr. Singh to vouch for you and hopefully we can get custody on compassionate grounds. You will have an inspector visiting you every now and then to check on her."

"I have everything in order, she has gotten all her immunizations and since she has been in my care she has gained weight and I have receipts for all the toys, cribs and diapers. Did you know diapers come in so many variants? I mean diapers should have a mall of their own." I said.

Justice Sethi couldn't stop laughing and Anvesha just facepalmed so did my angel. She wasn't amused either it seems, I was already making dad jokes.

He is my mother 2

2016-04-29T23:21:00.001+05:30

I don't know what made me decide but I knew what I was doing. The baby was not going anywhere, she would be raised by me.

The doctor who saved her introduced me to Anvesha a family lawyer who was an expert in child custody trials.

'I think you're not being practical, this isn't a cake walk. No law allows you as a single man to adopt a child. You could get married but where will you find a woman on such short notice and that too who'd marry someone to raise a child.'

'I want to fight the case for her, she is my child now and no power on this planet can take her from me.' I said.

'With no jurisprudence you'll lose and she will end up in a dirty foster house,just let the couple Dr. Singh introduced you tale care of her.' Anvesha tried to talk some sense into me. However, I wasn't going to give into it. Be it my mother who begged me to stop being a fool, to karishma who stopped talking to me till I don't change my decision.

Though it could be they all were right. I don't know how to raise a child, I can barely stand toddlers crying in a plane let alone one living with me. What was I supposed to be? Her father? I didn't give birth to her. Her dying mother called me son, so was I her brother now? Then in that case I surely can't parent her. This dilemma was driving me crazy but then I needed a quick decision, a child's life was dependent on me now.

'If we win she can be legally my daughter, right?' I said.

'If? Really? The chances of me winning India's got talent are higher than you winning custody.' Anvesha sarcastically retorted.

'I don't know of that show but I am sure if anyone can win this it's you, please help me.'

Anvesha pondered upon it and after another hour of arguing gave up and decided to help me with the case.

He is my mother

2016-04-10T14:28:00.001+05:30

'Do you think we should get another bottle?', he asked me after we had finished our last bottle of whiskey. 'It is only 10, we should get one more and order some chicken', I remarked.

We were out for our weekly bender, working in Gurgaon had its perks one of them being the BYOB places where one could go and drink till they dropped. Our weekly bender was more often a daily one, we all worked nearby and the best place to meet was here.

'Aren't you guys done?' a raspy voiced Karishma asked. 'We have just begun and if you want to go I can call you an Uber' I said. Karishma was not a heavy drinker in fact the whiff of our whiskeys was enough to get her drunk for a week. But I knew her hint and it was time I wrapped up and left too. We finished our second bottle quite quickly and the five of us left around 12am.

Karishma lived nearby so I was the desginated driver to drop her home. She lived in one of the Gurgaon high rises built on the erstwhile Aravalis. It was now 12.30am and she was busy talking to her boyfriend when I dropped her home.

I was back driving to my house on the now nearly deserted Aravali road. I bent down to find my cigarettes, I was down to three and I needed to buy some more. The road had nothing and I knew I'd have to detour towards the infamous Mangar village. This village once ruled by highway robbers, now it has one too many all night dhabas and weed sellers. I picked up my pack from my usual shop, he used to be a highway robber now he sells 10 bucks cigarettes at 15 which he says is far more profitable than robbery.

The night was dry and the air was slightly chilly, she was standing near the road with an aluminum suitcase and what looked like a bundle of clothes in her hand. She was shivering, it was not that chilly I thought. I usually never stop to give lifts and especially not at this time of the night.

'You lost? Need me to call someone for you?' I said. The shivering girl looked up to me and I could see her red eyed face with dried tears. 'I have no one to call, can you drop me to the bus stand?' she said squeakily.

'It is 1 am, I don't think you will get a bus now, are you lost?'

'I..I need to get out, they will not take me back, please help me, I have money'

'Get into the car and I can take you to the police, I have friends, don't worry you will be fine.' I said reassuringly.

She got into my car and I called up Karishma and explained to her who after shouting at me for ten minutes for picking up a random girl, asked me to come over to her apartment. We reached her apartment and I asked the lady come inside. 'Don't be scared, I am not going to harm you, my friend lives here she can help'. The lady came out of the hesitantly. I took her bag and asked if she wanted me to carry her sack she was holding.

It was then this little sacked moved and I heard a cry, it was a baby. She had her infant child in her hand. 'I am sorry, I thought those were clothes.' I said. 'I wish she was that, but she is my curse' the woman replied. How could that baby be a curse, I wondered.

We went to Karishma's apartment and the woman placed her child on the bed. She was too frail and it seemed she had been standing there for hours. Karishma took her in for some fresh clothes. The baby started yelping and I had no choice but to take her in my arms. I removed the cloth covering her face. She was more beautiful than a million lillies. Her eyes were the color of the sea, blue with a tinge of green. I took my handkerchief and cleaned her snot and tears, the baby cried too much with her mother.

'We have to call a doctor, she is running a high fever and they haven't fed her since she gave birth. The baby hasn't eaten either.' Karishma said. 'I think we should get the police here as well' she said.

I called Fortis and they asked me to bring her to emergency and the police said they would meet us there.

The doctors took the baby and the mother into ICU, they both were at a high risk as they said. The infant was starving the mother had no post natal care and here uterus still had the umbilical cord which was infected now.

The police were surprisingly compassionate and one of the inspectors got me tea and took my statement. All of us stayed together that night as these 24 hours were the most critical, we sat in a row silently praying. The humanity within us be it the cops or the doctors and nurses was still alive even though the ones who kicked this woman and her child was dead.

'You need to come with me', a sharp voice broke my thoughts, I looked at the time and it was 6am. The doctor led me to the room where the lady was lying, they had covered her face. 'The time was 5.45am and she died of acute infection in the stomach and she left you this', he handed me a piece of paper.

It read: you did what no man ever did in my life, you showed me compassion... take care of my child, it is a lot to ask and I don't know you but just do what you can. God bless you, son.

'How's the baby, doctor?' I said holding back my tears. 'She is weak but shows recovery, we won't know for sure till another 24 hours. I shouldn't have but I read what she said, I can find a good foster family and help in any way I can.'

'Can I see her?', I said. 'She is in ICU, but you can look at her', he said

There she was this beautiful stranger who was fighting such a hard battle, she barely opened her eyes and he world has gone. Her mother died an unknown death, no one knows who they were and where they came from. This little girl had no future from the moment she was born. The angel had no guardian angel.

'I'll adopt her', I thought to myself loudly. 'You are 27, don't rush into things, we will find her a family', Karishma said. 'I'll adopt her, I don't care.' I said.

hills are silent 5

2016-04-10T13:48:00.000+05:30

The conversation carried on for a few mundane hours and was almost heading nowhere. The initial charm of tormenting Kavita was gone. I had a lot on my mind and wanted to get on doing what I had come for. Fate on the other hand had a brought in a long lost tryst and I knew I had to balance both the ends of this noose or it may come back around and smack me of my feet again.

I had to make an exit on some pretext somehow and explore the area soon. It had been three years and yet no sign from her, this was the last place she ever visited. Where could she have gone? No one seems to have an answer.

Her parents gave up on her long ago and wouldn't even bother to help me look for her; none of her friends want to help me either. Though it doesn't come as surprise she was the types not many would want to associate themselves anymore.

I on the other hand had a strange fascination towards repeatedly falling for how as my friend described as "special charitable cases".

This was as they say one them, when no one cares where she went why should you?

I got up early the next day and knew if I left without making a fuss no one except the elderly guard whom I had bribed to help me reach the nearby village. This was exactly where she was last seen and it wasn't surprising as many people over the years have disappeared in the valley. The police could not find any trace of her and had long stopped investigating. Her parents weren't that cooperative and even denied knowing her at all. I did smell foul play, she was not their real child. She came to live with them when her parents passed away in this very same valley some twenty years ago, leaving a sizable fortune which now was with them.

Art

2016-02-06T21:21:00.001+05:30

What you call art is built on the graves of the heartbroken, the dream chasers, the lovers of life, the men and women of sorrow, the children of grief who only pray for a beautiful tomorrow.

These are there technicolor tears morphed into words, sonnets, canvas, clay; just an angst of a thought of a beautiful day.

We live our fortunes, draw misery from the the well of our emptiness and pour it all over ourselves to engulf us in love. All you see is art, all you see is Color, all you can ever see is our shadow.

Let me

2016-01-03T21:19:00.001+05:30

Forget me fast forget me hard forget me first forget me last.

Burn me set me ablaze let your hate engulf me, love was never an option then let hate be my redemption.

Let the acid rain on me, let it scorch away my flesh, the rainbow of happiness isn't for me so let the acid drip on me.

Random

2016-01-03T01:20:00.001+05:30

I'm a being of infinity yet I live subliminity.

Dhua

2015-12-30T11:27:00.001+05:30

Sooraj ki kirno main tairta dhua,
Kabhi dikhta toh kabhi aujhal hota,
Nanhi kirno main gol gol nachta dhua.
Kabhi wahi rukta kabhi gotey khata,
Suraj ka sabse pyara dhua, niklta tha uski hi tarah aag se.
Tapta tha angaron main uski hi tarah, lekin har kiran main nachta tha dhua, kabhi tairta tha dhua.

Kab thame ga koi na jane par jab tha tab naachta tha yeh dhua.

Chaand ka bhi pyara tha yeh dhua, har chandni raat ka saath tha yeh dhua. Neeche upar upar neeche ghumta tha dhua.

Bas kabhi na peeche dekhta tha ye dhua, apni dhun main agey chalta tha, kabhi seedha kabhi teda madmast rehta tha yeh dhua.

Tonight

2015-12-29T22:37:00.001+05:30

It was a late winter night, she had already smoked her last cigarette and knew she had to make it out to get anothe packet.

This wasn't a usual night bender she was not going to sleep, not tonight, not this very night. The very mention of this night woke up every sensation in her body.

She took out her wallet and managed to find her keys without waking up her now sound asleep cat. She left her room softly and made her way down to the parking. It was dark but the moonlight guided her to the car.

She drove to the nearby tea shop, Ramesh bhaiya always kept her brand and also made great tea. She needed tea instead of alcohol in her system. Tonight wasn't an ordinary night, it was more than a night to be remembered.

She took her packet, lit one cigarette and sat down on the rickety bench near the shop. Ramesh bhaiya served her hot tea and went back to tuning his radio. The only other customer was an old beggar. He was the blind beggar who could see at night and was busy counting his alms for the day. He made enough to afford tea at a five star hotel, but old habits die hard.

The beggar recognized her from his route but pretended to ignore her, he was supposed to be blind after all. She smirked at the beggar thinking what a genius way of making money.

She finished her tea and left for home. She had to be back in time for tonight was special. Her stomach grovelled as she drove back, probably too much of tea on any almost empty stomach. But how could she eat today? She had too many butterflies in her stomach.

She reached home and entered her room, it was the night she waited eagerly for so long.

The door clicked open and he walked in, she smell his cologne from a mile away. Her heart tingled, tonight was the night to remember. She reached down her bed and found her present. This would be perfect for him, she thought.

He came closer to the bed and looked at her admiring her beauty. Her soft pink lips, her light glowing skin. He knew he was in heaven and she was his angel. He knelt down on the bed and slowly kissed her soft lips. Her eyes watered and her ears burnt up like hot coals.

With one swift move and it was all over. His eyes were bloodshot and startled as he fell on the bed next to her. The red soaked into the pristine white sheets and all over her clothes. She held the knife in her hand and was frozen stiff.

He got his present for tonight was the night when she couldn't sleep. Tonight was the night his blood would salve her wounds. The wounds on her body would've healed by now but the ones on her soul needed redemption.

She lit another cigarette as she came to her senses and waited for the police. Tonight was the night of her awakening and Durga woke up.

Death

2015-12-25T22:23:00.001+05:30

Oh death! Hide me in your arms,
I don't want to fight life any more.

Hide me from the tomorrow which promises magic, but delivers a con.

Hide me from the friends who promise solitude, but leave behind only scars.

Hide me, protect me! I fear life! Life go away, you're not wanted.

Why do you scare me? What have I done to deserve you? I stand at the corner and smile while your make everyone happy.

Oh death! Hide me! Shadow me! Don't let life catch me or I shall seize to live.

hills are silent 4

2015-06-16T08:48:00.000+05:30

The day proceeded to be quite uneventful after our short encounter. I had to finish a few of my creative writing assignments which I had been stalling for many months, so I finished them. The balcony overlooked the mountains which had long sturdy Cedar trees all around. The air smelled of fresh rain with a hint of wood fire, probably from the houses down below in the village where I last stopped for water.

The wind was light and had a slight chill, the night was going to be quite cold, it seemed. I could hear some light banter from her room. I tried to zone myself out from the noises of her room, but somehow they cut through the silence of the mountains and pierced my ears. I decided to take a walk, the ground was still wet and I just my sparingly used sneakers which were about to get mudied.

I went downstairs where I was greeted the guest room owner's wife, she was sweet bright young lady who wrote travel blogs about Corbett. I had a small insignificant chat with her and she informed me that they were making meat for dinner and some local lentils. I went out of the guest house and towards my car, it had taken a beating from the rain and was still soaking wet. I opened it to look for my flashlight, it was getting dark really quick. I went down the hill to the small tea shop at the bottom of the lodge.

The tea shop owner was almost dead out of boredom. I greeted him and asked for a cup of tea, which took him about 30 minutes as he still hadn't milked his goat. I sat there smoking and thinking of quitting as soon as I returned to Delhi.

I suddenly heard the same banter that made way into my room. Why was she here? Why now?
Why is she so nice to me? Wasn't our last encounter bad enough? Or was it just me? The overthinking, finicky old me.

"Here you are!", she exclaimed. "I was bored to death in my room, so thought of taking a stroll", I retorted.

"You are in the middle of nowhere, all alone what else do you expect? You're not Ruskin Bond, kid!", she said. "I am not a kid either!", I exclaimed.

"Hmm... yes you have grown up, Big officer now!", she said mockingly. "Well so what do you guys do? I haven't even properly met your friend." I replied.

Her friend took the que and from being the trusty sidekick that she was, she suddenly became the eloquent main lead, much to the disappointment of this clicques main lead.

"We both work in advanced analytics, I handle big data while she does social media. Would you know anything about it?", the sidekick said.

"I used to work in a data analytics firm, have you heard of MarvelData?", I said. "We just started working there, that's why we have a month off. We join late next month. Such a small world." she said smilingly.

"Small world indeed, but I didn't catch your name." I said. "My name is Amaya and she is Kavita, oh wait you already know her, don't you Sanjeev? How do you guys know each other?", Amaya said.

"We both studied for CAT together long back and kind of knew each other from that class", I replied.

Kavita's eyes never lied, I could make out that she was quite irked by now, and would've poured hot tea on her attention hoarding friend. I loved the entire conversation, the years of self discovery had helped me immensely.

"So Amaya! Are you from Delhi?, we guys should meet once we are back for lunch or something, I too have till late next month to join my training", I said.

"We won't have much time in Delhi, we need to house hunt in Gurgaon, I am moving out of my parents house, so I need a new place. So..." Kavita finally broke her long silence to divert our attention to her.

This was getting a bit exciting and to put it bluntly fun for me.

hills are silent 3

2015-05-04T10:51:00.001+05:30

She helped herself into my room, our rooms were adjoining and it wasn't hard for her to jump into my balcony. "Isn't it illegal for government officers to smoke up?", she said. "Well, it is illegal for everyone really...", I retorted.

She had tied her hair up in a bun with a pen. I guessed she must be a writer or something. "So what do you do these days? Besides spying on little children like me?", I said. "You're not a kid anymore, and are we going to just stand here or are you going to light that up?", she said in a funny tone, which I faintly remembered.

It had been 7 long years since I last saw her and yet she looked almost the same. I on the other hand had changed a lot, I now looked nothing like that child who once thought the world was all warm hugs and cotton candy. The years had taken some toll on me, not physically but emotionally. Was I stronger or was I even more weaker only time could tell.

The journey was not an easy one for me, from fighting depression to recovering from a shit hole that I once called life, it wasn't easy. I made many new friends, many new foes, all of whom who taught me something. I had matured in years but my soul still was child like or was this my illusion. Something that I felt was true but was nothing but a fallacy of a mind trying to fight itself. Was I winning or losing? The battle raged inside me but my exterior was calm, no one could say I was a warrior who fought a thousand battles. My scars were invisible my wounds were hidden and my battle cry was silent.

Who knew who I was? Am I the one who had double masters and topped the country's toughest exam? Am I the child who got his heart broken to the very woman who is now standing in front of him? Am I the soul which was torn to pieces every day? or am I all of them? or am I just a soul getting older and darker? When will the war within settle down? Will my Kalinga ever be won or will I lose myself to destiny?

She stood there in front of me lighting that joint and all I could think was of leaving that room. But, a part of me wanted to be there to just look at her and take her into my arms, it seemed she was the one who could end my war. But was it really what she wanted or honestly what I wanted? Can anyone really end someone's war?

"You want something to drink, water or something?", I asked sheepishly. Why was I going back into my shell? I have to get back out, I am not a child anymore. I must get out, I'll have break this glass.

"Yeah! I'll help myself, this is some good stuff! Is this Malana?", she asked. "No this is from Kasol really, I was there last week for a trek, you been there?", I said, my voice had returned, whoever is in there does not want me to hold back this time. This time its different the hills maybe silent, but I am not. I will speak, I will roar and the world will hear my battle cry!

hills are silent 2

2014-09-16T10:48:00.000+05:30

"The coffee is quite bad here. I wish they could open a Starbucks or something here soon.", she said to me. "Starbucks in a jungle? That would not be good for business." I replied. Her friend was a photographer or so it seemed judging by the large SLR she had kept in the middle of our table.

"Do you have normal cigarettes?" the photographer asked me. I offered her my Benson and Hedges.
I too lit one for myself and tried hard not to stare at her. She too was avoiding any eye contact.

"So you two know each other? Hope you two aren't exes!", the photographer finally said something to ease the tension. "No...no she was in my tuition and I used to pick on her a lot. So she hates me.", I replied.

"You never picked on me, I picked on you and no I don't hate you. But, I am not quite fond of you too...", she said quite curtly.

"Ahh... that explains it!", the photographer retorted. However, it explained nothing, nothing to me at least. I was still confused, I wanted to leave but that would be too cowardly.

"What brings you here?" the photographer asked me. "I am here on a mini-break, I have to join a new job sometime next month." I replied. "What job?", she asked again. I was hoping for her to sit quite for some time. But, neverthless she insisted on talking. "I am well... joining the IAS soon so...".

This time my once beloved jumped in "IAS? for real? I knew you were smart but now you've proved it" . "Thanks, I just wanted something different in life." I replied.

The conversation became even more mundane after that and soon it was decided that we should meet for dinner. As if we had a choice in this jungle. I retired to my room and tried to sleep but could not, the thought of her being in the room next to mine was eating me on the inside.

I got up and reached for my stash and rolled up a thick one for myself. Just as I was about to light it she knocked on my window.

"Well you can't smoke that alone, I want in", she said. "Were you spying on me?", I retorted. "Hey! at least you weren't doing what I thought you would be...", "and that would be?" I said. "Fapping!" she said with a roaring laugh.

Broken again and again...

2014-08-30T08:30:00.000+05:30

This is the day I stop dreaming, today I shall not imagine anything.
I bury the child who never wants to leave.
I have to hang up my spurs and live a life of dull slurs.
I have to stop believing, stop caring and stop being me.
What is the point? Does life change if you believe?
Do you change? Does anything ever change?
Optimism is god's way of telling you that you are a fool.

I don't want live now, I want to drift and finish this journey like everyone else.
A mindless minion in the crowd.

hills are silent

2014-08-17T15:37:00.000+05:30

As the car inched slowly to a halt after a treacherous climb uphill, I was suddenly transposed to a world which I had only read about but never thought existed. The hills were not exactly as quiet as we perceive them to be, the melodic calls of the papiya, the crickets and the thousands of tiny insects create and unorganized symphony of sounds.

I slowly shut my book remembring the page number as I did. Ruskin Bond had written time stood still in Shamli but had he been here he would've been assured time stops forever in the forest. There was no old innkeeper to welcome me but a modern more versatile page boy with a welcome drink and a hot towel. Was this the forest I saw outside or was it just a facade? Where was the dreary old innkeeper? where was the old oakwood desk with tired old frames of gods and the dead hanging over it? Who took away the old?

Time has surely made some mark here, for we have modern plumbing and plush furniture but yes like in hills we still have no electricity except for the generators in the evenings. The water is still heated on firewood but the food is made on modern gas stoves with fat LPG cylinders.

I make my way out to the balcony to be welcomed by a tiny kid who runs into me with a Tinkle comic. Tinkle my old friend who accompanied me in many train rides and even more summer vacations, whom I have not seen in ages suddenly falls in front of me. She is reading shikari shambu my old wise yet dimwitted friend. The girl picks up the book and rushes back to her mother who seems bored beyond her imagination. She misses her daily soaps I think but then I see her looking longingly at her husband who is engrossed in his iPad, technology has kept his love away from her even in a remote forest. I sit besides her and try to read my novel again but can hardly concentrate, the mountains are calling me or probably I am just tired.

I get up and look around and slowly walk back in, I had never been the sorts to strike up random conversations with strangers except when fueled with the desire to be prudish and knowledgeable. I heard the voice of the owner asking the staff to clean up the room next to mine as another "party" as she called was about to arrive. She gave me a smile as I walked past her towards my room.

The room smelled of jasmine and I checked my luggage to ensure they had brought everything up to the room. I took out my old sweater and put it over my t-shirt. The hills were getting colder and the Delhi heat in me had quickly cooled down.

I settled down outside on the ledge and had my first cigarette of the day and then I heard the familiar voice of someone who I had erased from my memory long ago. Someone I wish I had never known yet sometimes thank my stars for get me acquainted.

My thoughts were broken by a muffled sound saying, "Hey! got a light, I am from the room next to yours". Before I could respond her hand came across and she shouted "Pakdo, I might slip". It was her for sure but was I ready to hold that hand again, but the fear of her falling down was more real so I grabbed her hand. She came to my side of the ledge quite swiftly and upon looking at me she almost fell, thankfully she did not let go of my hand. I hesitantly gave her my lighter she lit her black clove cigarette and soon I was taken back by 7 years when she first lit this obnoxious cigarette in front of me.

She said nothing and only looked at me, my hairline had thinned a bit and I hadn't shaved in a couple of days but rest of me was the same. Sure I was now an out of work MBA but she could not tell that. She still looked the same, but her long locks were gone and a new more professional hair cut had replaced it, her dark kohl lined eyes were now bare and she wore thin rimmed glasses. The goth thumb ring was gone and she now wore a simple diamond studded ring and her flashy loop earrings were now replaced by a more sober gold stud.

"So will you stay a mute till I leave or are you thinking of those one liners you always use?", she said cutting the silence. "Well, I was going to say hello but the smell of cloves choked me." I retorted, "Yes, you still can't bear the smell of my cigarettes, want coffee?", she said. "Yes", I said. "Great! please get me one too, are you here all alone or am I barging into your honeymoon?" she said mockingly. "Well I am here alone on a mini break to get away from the city lights." I responded adjusting my glasses to look more professional. "Oh! so you are the guy who got a entire peti of J&B, the weird hair lady has told everyone it seems." she said.

"Its not an entire peti, just a 3-4 bottles in that case rest are my books." I said feeling quiet annoyed at the owner's audacity. I wasn't an alcoholic but did think it was wise to stock up for a place 150 kilometers away from the nearest known town.

"So what about you, what brings you here to the hils, honeymoon?", I tried to sound funny. "I am here with my best friend and we plan to stay here a week and just drink, so you are in luck we will give you company", she said.

7 years had passed since we last spoke and it felt as if it was only yesterday that we were sitting next to each other on the long table at our coaching institute and debating on the legality of cannabis.

I see you happiness!

2014-04-01T21:39:00.001+05:30

Standing near the window staring hard outside the glass wall, hiding glances from you own reflection,
we all try to imagine the future we want, the mountains scaled and the demons hunted.

We imagine a place where there is no sorrow, no remorse, no setbacks our own sweet little happy place, and a happier you.

We want to see the smiling faces, the glamorous races with companionship and with solitude in traces, no more of those blank faces, smiles all around.

Oh those! lovely glances, those staring into nothingness, the uncertainty of happiness, the unexpectancy of joy, when will you be true?

Oh dreams of tomorrow, oh joys of the future come now come now! I have waited for you for so long, my arms ache to embrace you, my soul quivers at the sight of you... Come now! Don't wait on me, I may not be here much longer...

Standing near the window, we look at our alter ego, our true self and our hidden self. We are the supermen and the damsels in distress, we are the incorrigible child and the redemption of adulthood, we are who we want to be yet unknown and unbecoming... Oh faint shadow of reality! get away get away! Let me look at my happiness, it is all that I have. I may never see it for real, oh go away! Oh reality fade away!

Oh hard glass breakaway! let me be with me, let live with me, let me love me... Take my shadow in your shards and go away! Let me jump out and join me!

Oh happiness! be mine, be forever mine! I love your essence, your embrace, your laughter, your everything...

life and everything in between it

2014-03-11T23:26:00.001+05:30

Shining faces, glittery eyes, glamorous and amorous lives,
fancy fun and gaudier pun, glitzy clothes and flimsy loathes,
amusing lives, fantasy lives, partying lives, trashy, loud, proud, out, even in a crowd lives,
drinks floats and hope gloats, powder room magic and some minor tragics,
you all have it all, travel, romance, glamour, clamor, chaos, calm, serenity, oddity, love, hate, friendship...
oh beautiful friendship! a ship I try to steer towards you all but the happy sadness and sad happiness of your lives stop it in it course.

I still sit by the seashore and count the waves, the waves of love, laughter, happiness and everything in between, I try to hold on to these waves but they go as quickly as they come,
I am the starfish which is left out on the shore, kept alive by the momentary waves that you send,
hoping, praying, prying, crying, lying and trying to get in to the ocean you all call life.

The salt water no longer hurts, the distance no longer worries, the hope no longer longs, its not a place I know, I am not sure if I even want to go, or if I am wanted. It seems now the shore is my home and I am nothing more than a mere spectator to what you call "life and everything in between it."

kuch

2014-02-22T00:07:00.002+05:30

Asuo ki gond se joda humne khushi ka pool,
apki behrukhi ne ussey bhi tod diya,
kya galti thi humari, kya thi humari bewafai
kis gunah ki saza di ki bekabu man se bhi beabru kar dia,

Ab toh bas ek tinke ki aas hai, daldal main khade jhatpata rahe hai,
upar toh nahi lekin ab sirf andar janey ki dua kar rahe hai,
jissey aap tohfa kehte hai ussey hum lutana ki khata kar rahe hai,

Chal toh pade teh, thoda agey jake kyun bulaya wapis,
dard aur dena tha ki bas ab ant ko nazdeek kar dia hai...

Hum ruke hai apke jawab ke lie, ek akhri arz ko apke samane rakh ke,
todenge toh lautjayenge aur jod denge toh apke pass rehajayenge,

Ab dard nai hota, dil main kuch nai chubta, bas ab kuch nahi hota,
sunn se ho gaye hai, thoda sehem se gaye hai, thoda toot hi gaye hai, lekin ab pathar ki tarah rehtey hai,
Pathar toh aap bhi hai, isliye sochtey hai ki aap hume samjhenge, nai toh pathar mitti main mill jaega.

We

2014-02-07T21:33:00.001+05:30

We live in our catastrophes everyday, we all face it alone,
but lucky are those who have someone to share it with, if only its an ear that listen and mouth that showers concern,
some are born in a crowd but destined to be alone, to care but not be cared for, to give but not be given,
to be for others but not for themselves, they are the souls hung out to dry in the sun...

We care, we love, we devote, yet we get a void,
an emptiness which seldom fills, an disease with no cure,
a fire with no hope of dying...

We are the god's chosen few, who martyr themselves for the known and unknown,
we are looked beyond and never after, we are to be a pillar for others canoe, yet are forever cursed to sink inch by inch in our life's ocean.

We are free even though we seldom are, yet no one is free when we are,
we stare emptily waiting for your affection yet flood you with our own,

We are the antidote yet are themselves poisoned, we are the damned, the cursed, the harrowed, the tormented, the lost, the beasts, the things, everything but human...

We are seeds of love that get weeded when not needed, we are the trees which give their lives to make boats for others, we are the blood that flows out in the drain yet no one cares to wipe the tears from our eyes.

Khali kagaz

2014-01-12T19:52:00.000+05:30

Khali kagaz pe kori berang si zindagi,
na dill aur na dillagi, khali glass aur poori betaabi,
kab se atki hai issi pe zindagi ki zidd.

Bhara hai gum jo khushi main sendh lagaye hue hai,
berarzoo se ho gae hai kuch din se, betarbi bhi toh bad gayi hai

roz sissak sissak ke jee rahe hai, thodi si khushi ko tadap rahe hai,
kuch nai hoke bhi kabhi sab kuch lagta hai ki hai, par fir khali pan katne ko dodta hai

Chupke se...

2013-12-15T15:48:00.002+05:30

"Fire, earth, wind, water..., what's the fifth element?", she asked cutting the long silence between her and her new carpool mate. Sanjeev lost track of his thoughts, he was wondering what track was playing on the radio before they cut to a long string of commercials. "Air? I guess...why? aren't you in sales?", he replied.

"Airrrr, oh yes, I am in sales but I was watching some silly TV show and a thought came to my mind. Anyhow what do you do again, I did not quite get it.", she retorted. "I connect an expert with an analyst who wants to ask questions related to his research, like if you want to know which soap is doing the best in the market.", he tried to explain it to her for the fourth time this morning.

"Ohh, must be cool na, I am stuck doing stupid calls to people who want to buy wholesale detergents.", she said. "Oh you are like Miss. Chamko from Chashme Badoor", he chuckled at his own joke. "Yes, kinda like that, though I am no Deepti Naval.", she laughingly retorted. She could not understand if it was an insult or just a naive joke.

They had met last week through a common friend who thought it would be a bright idea for them to carpool as both lived in as she termed, "jamana paar". a term used by South Delhites to describe any area which is not in South Delhi.

He was quite resentful as he hated company in general and also could not fart in the car or cuss the other drivers. She was hated the idea because he looked like a serial killer and even if he wasn't one his jokes would surely kill her.

"So you leave at 6 na? I'll wait for you as I usually get done by 5.30", she said. "Cool, I'll give you a missed call and will catch you outside the office." he said. They both worked on the same floor and had almost the same shift timings.

"Teri beh...I am sorry", he said realizing again that he was in the company of a woman. Traffic at NH-8 was so bad that even Gandhi would have cussed and Buddha would have murdered most cabbies.

"Its quite alright yeh sala chu cut from the wrong side", she said. Rest of the trip was quite mundane. They reached office and took the same elevator to the 9th floor. She said a cold goodbye and he nodded and walked of in different directions.

This was now a daily routine for Sanjeev and Avni. Sanjeev was a boring man as Avni had rightly assumed and Avni was just not quite intelligent to hold a conversation as Sanjeev had assumed.

Gurgaon is a special city, it is always under construction, no one knows when it started an no one knows when it will finish. So like any other construction site, the rains bring in what we now know as the Gurgaon wetlands.

"Sanjeev, I think this rain will never end and I want to actually you know take a leak real bad", Avni said to Sanjeev. "Hmm... you know what so do I, but this stupid jam, I wish this would clear up real quick.", he retorted. God was in one his special moods that day and he had a strange liking to Sanjeev's like. He decided to free the two pressurized souls. In one swift move he cleared up all the traffic and they reached office. Now, god wanted some more magic in this story. He filled the basement of DLF with water and when Avni got out she slipped.

"Oh fuck, my foot. fuck you god!", she said. Sanjeev turned aorund and saw her on the ground with big red tears in her eyes. He went up to her and helped her get back on her feet. The fall had broken her foot badly, her heel broke and he skirt as she realized before anyone could was torn.

"Dude, my skirt its gone, what to do I know I have a spare in my locker but going up is going to be embarrassing." she said. He took of his shirt and tied it around her and said lets go upstairs.

"You cannot go up like this and stop acting like fucking SRK, you idiot, take your shirt and take me back to the car so I can call my friend to bring the skirt, you are a fucking moron Sanjeev.", she said peeing all over his heroic deed. He walked her to the car and helped her sit down while he buttoned his shirt.

The air was dead and god changed the channel to watch SRK's life. "You can go up, I will help myself, I hurt my ankle thats it", she said. Sanjeev without looking at her walked off and left the keys on the roof of the car. He dreaded seeing her in the evening and had decided he would ask her not to come from tomorrow. He felt humiliated and shouted at his manager the moment she asked for an explanation. His manager sat down coyly and pretended to work, she knew he was angry and an angry Sanjeev is not someone even the CEO wanted to mess with, she would speak to him later.

He made himself a coffee and walked off to the stairs for a smoke with his friend Sohan and Arun. He told them and they cussed the girl for a while and asked him to not take her along, they did not see anything wrong.

Forever

2013-12-03T08:28:00.002+05:30

Forever thine, forever mine...
Seems so eternal yet so distant,
I long for you, I wait for you, I turn around each day to see you
But I see nothing, not even the shadow which was once behind me,
The warm coldness of your shadow, the empty stares, the glances,
all gone, all faded, like it never happened, like it never should've happened.

I erase you each night from my mind, and each day you walk back in,
am I to be cursed by it for eternity? Do I not get another seat, like you?

Where I am and what I want and who I am? I am beginning a new dawn,
Get out! leave me and forever fade into the shadows, don't come back,
I don't need you, for what it was, it was nothing but a mere lapse of judgement of a child,
A child who cared, who loved, who laughed, who lived...

Past

2013-11-24T19:34:00.003+05:30

kuch bat sa gaya hu,
kuch toot sa gaya hu,
zara sa thak gaya hu,

Aaj bhi kal aur kal main phas sa gaya hu,
Nahi janta kab milegi basar

Manzilon ke peeche bhagtey chala,
Khud ko kahin khotah chala,

Ruka bhi toh dum ke liye nahi,
sirf humsafar ke liye,

Na aap aye aur na naye ne apanya,

Aaj bhi kal aur kal main phas hua hu,
Kaifye main dil ko baand sa raha hu,
Ishare se ussey agey badena ka agaaz kar raha hu,

Na woh badta hai aur na tum,
Sehlaab ko dil ke bandh se rok rakha hai,
Jab tootega hume alvida keh dena.

Perfect

2013-09-30T21:00:00.005+05:30

"Can we do something like this? Isn't it going to get us in much trouble? You do know they always find a clue... I have seen it, seen it on those TV shows", she said in a nervous rant to Josh. " Oh! you saw it on a TV show and you think some bad ass cop will catch us? You out of your mind? This is the perfect crime... stop with whining and go take your position." Josh said to his shaky girlfriend of four months.

"Hey! where is everybody? Hello?", Kevin shouted after entering into an empty living room. Elvira was always in the living room, watching her stupid TV soaps and sipping her diet Coke and Jim Beam, when he got back home. For the past five years, its all what he saw of his wife, no loving hugs, no how was your day. Only a blank drunk woman watching mundane TV shows. The only thing she did as a wife was put out dinner for Kevin on the kitchen table which he ate alone while reading the newspaper.

But, tonight all this was going to change... Kevin grabbed a bottle of Miller Light from the fridge and gulped it down. He needed to calm his nerves, he could feel the cold steel in his pocket and he knew it, this was going to be the perfect crime. Kevin was supposed to be delivering a package across town, but he was here for her.

Kevin slowly paced upstairs, he looked around for signs of movement... nothing not even a soul stirred. The kids were at his cousin Marvin's home for the week. It was just him and his old wife. The moon had an eerie glow, as if he knew what Kevin was about to do next.

"Kevin! is that you out there?", Elvira shouted. "Yes, its me and now what are you doing in bed so early? You sick?". Kevin shouted back. This was perfect, he could stage the perfect crime now.

Elvira knew she had to try and seduce her old husband into bed for Josh to get clear a shot. Elvira quickly removed her gown below which she only wore a red underwear. This was going to be the most action Kevin gets before he reaches heaven.

Kevin opened the door and he saw her stand seductively in that naked underwear. This was brilliant, why had he not thought of this earlier, he said to himself. He quickly inched towards her and Elvira embraced him. He could feel her dewy warm lips on his for the first time in five years, had she really changed he thought to himself.

The closet door behind them slowly opened and Josh had a clear view of his target and with one quick shot took the target down. Both, Kevin and Elvira fell down to the floor, the impact of the bullet was unprecedented.

"Sorry love, are you okay? The impact must have knocked you over. I had a pretty clear shot.", Josh said.

Kevin slowly got up from the pool of blood with cold angry eyes and turned around to Josh, it took him by surprise.

"You could've killed me as well you clumsy oaf!", he shouted. Josh moved close to Kevin and quickly embraced him in a passionate kiss. His two day old beard rubbed against, Josh's cleanly shaven soft face.

They found her perfectly cut up body in the salvage yard a month after. She had been reported missing by her husband who had returned two days later from his delivery route. Kevin was a broken man as the neighbors described him to the police, the press and the insurance agents. In this hour of crisis the only man as his mother described to the Morning Show was his long time school buddy Josh who had only returned from Iraq some six months ago where he was an served as a surgeon.

Kevin and Josh moved up state to New York and started a meat shop called, "Perfect Cuts". They say the two gentlemen from the country lived together for many years together, some say they were blood brothers while other say they were soulmates and while some swore they saw the two embracing and that they were lovers.

But, all they knew was that each night before closing the shop they had a Diet Coke and Jim Beam with cold cuts.

Love god

2013-09-29T22:40:00.001+05:30

From the first one of us to the last one of us,
We all bow down to its glory, well it does sound a bit whory,
But religion has such a story.

Suit yourself and be a little gory,
Impose your god to bask in his glory.
Who made you the doyen of his story?

For he says, I am the alpha and the omega, The creator and destroyer,
The lover and enemy.

Wake up, wake up its not too late,
Go be happy and don't worry about your fate.